“Not talking about sexual abuse for twenty years”. “I was sexually abused as a child but didn’t tell anyone”. “Sexually abused by my father”. “Personal stories of sexual abuse”. “Sexual abuse survivor stories”. “Adult survivors of child sexual abuse”. “Signs of sexual abuse in children”. These are just some of the terms people have used to search for information about child sexual abuse, and have been brought to this site for help and answers.

Being an adult survivor of sexual abuse, having been a victim as a young child, I understand why kids don’t tell and why sexual abuse is most often not disclosed until well into adulthood. There are many reasons why children don’t tell anyone that they were sexually abused. The most common reason why kids don’t tell is due to FEAR.

Why Don’t Kids Tell?

Children are afraid no one will believe them, because that is what many abusers brainwash and groom their victims to believe. Children may be threatened by the offender, or the child molester tells the victim that the parents or family members will be physically harmed or killed if the child tells anyone about the abuse. Threatening the lives of parents and family members was how my son’s abuser (a church minister and close friend of the family) kept him from disclosing abuse until many years later.

My son was sexually abused in the church we attended at that time. How many churchgoing families trust that their children will be safe while attending Sunday School classes, where children are often in another area of the church, while parents are in the main auditorium or seated in another classroom? If you were being sexually abused and were told your parents would be murdered right in front of you, would you tell?

Children also don’t tell because they feel guilty, embarrassed and ashamed, having been “groomed” by the offender over a period of time to believe they are just as guilty as the offender. Pedophiles use a variety of “grooming methods” to befriend and get close to families with children in order to molest a child. Children may feel guilty if they get an abuser “in trouble”, or are afraid they themselves will “get in trouble” for telling.

Fear of getting in trouble was the basis of my personal story of sexual abuse, and I kept the abuse secret until I became a full-grown adult, thus becoming a part of the statistics of nondisclosure. Children often feel they are somehow responsible for their abuse, and are often told by the abusers that they will be taken away from their home and family and will never see them again.

The victim of child sexual abuse is almost always told not to tell, and children tend to believe what adults say. If you thought no one would believe you if you told, and you knew that your offender would be extremely angry at you and threatened harsh punishment, would you have the courage to tell? What if your offender told you that you would go to jail because you were just as guilty as he or she is? The child who tells is incredibly brave and very rare. Most sexually abused children do not tell anyone they were abused, even when directly asked by parents or other authority figures.

Talking to Your Children About Sexual Abuse:

• Educate your child about their own body and about their “private parts” (body parts that are covered up with a modest bathing suit).

• Use the correct terminology (penis, scrotum, testicles, vagina, breasts, labia.) when talking about these parts of their body.

• Talk about the difference between “good touch vs. bad touch” with words and phrases your child can understand, including the term “sexual abuse”. If children are not taught about “sexual abuse”, how will they know how to tell you they were sexually abused?!

• Teach your children to say “NO!” very loudly to anyone who wants or tries to touch their private parts in a way that makes the child feel confused or uncomfortable, or if asked to touch an offender in an inappropriate manner.

• If your child does not want to hug or kiss grandma or grandpa, don’t force them to hug or kiss people they don’t want to. It’s sending the wrong message to children, and teaches kids to ignore their confusing or uncomfortable feelings to the point where they do it anyway.

• Teach your children to tell you or an adult they trust if anybody touches their private parts or if they are touched in any way that makes them uncomfortable. (However, most children will not tell anyway). Don’t leave your child where you wouldn’t leave a bag with a million dollars in cash.

What To Do If Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused

• Remember, the person who abuses a child is to blame for the abuse, not the child! The prognosis for healing after being molested is better for children who are supported and believed when they do disclose.

• If your child tells you or even hints that he or she has been touched inappropriately, stay calm. Your reaction may make your child feel more guilty or afraid, and they might have a harder time talking about it.

• Some things you can say that will help your child: I believe you. I know it’s not your fault. I will take care of you. You did nothing wrong. Tell your child that you are glad they told you about it.

• Tell your child that you will take care of things, and that you will need to talk to someone to figure out what to do next. The biggest mistake a parent can make is not reporting sexual abuse to the authorities.

• Don’t allow any further contact between your child and the alleged offender. Don’t confront the offender yourself.

• Call your local child abuse hotline or local police department and report the abuse. Failing to report the abuse may mean that other children might get abused, too. Don’t try to handle the situation yourself.

• The child has the opportunity to get justice. It gives them satisfaction. Prosecution helps make sure that the abuser cannot strike again.

• Seek support and comfort for yourself where the child can’t see or hear what you say. In order to avoid confusion, anxiety or guilt, children should not overhear conversations about their disclosure. Too much information or discussion can also interfere with the police investigation or prosecution.

Further Reading:

Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse

Identifying Characteristics and Behaviors of Child Molesters

Child Sexual Abuse: Facts vs. Myths

Launching the Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series

Were you a victim of sexual abuse, and have not yet disclosed that the abuse occurred? You are not alone. If you would like to share your personal story of abuse, you may do so by leaving a comment below. Finding the courage to speak out, telling perhaps for the very first time, is the first step towards healing the wounds. Even if you personally have not been sexually abused, but wish to convey your support and encouragement to victims and family members, please do leave a comment below.

Popularity: 1% [?]

I want to wish all you wonderful mom’s who read or visit my blog a wonderful, gloriously peaceful, relaxing Mother’s Day! I’ll be catching up on reading a book, spending time with my family, and anything else I feel like doing.

If you are new here, feel free to browse the categories that interest you on the left sidebar, leave a comment on posts you enjoy, or simply introduce yourself by leaving a comment below. I’ll be checking messages periodically throughout the day, and will reply to comments and messages received. Enjoy!

13 Things Mom Taught Me:

1. To appreciate a job well done: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. Religion: “You better pray that comes out of the carpet.”
3. Travel: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. Logic: “Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. More logic: “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. Osmosis: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
7. Contortionism: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
8. Hypocrisy: “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
9. Circle of Life: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
10. Behavior modification: “Stop acting like your father!”
11. Medical Science: “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
12. Wisdom: “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
13. Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

Here are a few articles to get you started:

• How to Spice Up Your Marriage
• Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage
• Understanding Assertiveness
  
• A Child’s Ten Commandments For Parents
• Picky Eaters: Getting Kids to Eat Healthy

Happy Mother’s Day!!!

Popularity: 1% [?]

If you are one of many who thought my rant about Miley Cyrus’ photo shoot was over the top, let’s see what you think of Beyonce’s new children’s clothing line, and see if you don’t agree this time that the sexualization of children is a serious problem. Shame on you Beyonce.

I’m not a prude, but this is simply disgusting. If you want your child to dress like she’s ready for a stroll along Hollywood and Vine, this would be the store to shop from.

Beyonce’s clothing line for hookerette’s young girls reminds me of these infamous dolls for little girls. See a resemblance?

Take a few minutes and read “So Sexy, So Soon: The Sexualization of Childhood in Commercial Culture“, and let me know your thoughts. I rest my case.

Popularity: 1% [?]

I recently had the opportunity to interview Allison Bottke about her book, Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children, and I have one extra book that I’m going to give away! It is my hope that this book will really help an enabling parent, one that is struggling with the stress of getting an adult child to take care of him or herself financially, and in any other way.

If you haven’t yet had the chance to read my interview with Allison, I recommend you do so, as she is a phenomenal author and she gave a great interview.

This book giveaway is for Allison Bottke’s book, Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents. The winner will be chosen by random draw on Wednesday, May 14th and will be notified by email, along with the request for full name and U.S. only address of where to send the book.

If you are interested in entering the drawing for Allison’s book, please let me know by leaving a comment below, with the understanding that I will not spam you or use your information for anything other than this book giveaway.

Have you made Mother’s Day plans yet? Whatcha gonna do?

Popularity: 2% [?]

As summer approaches and the school year comes to a close, many teenagers will be searching for good summer jobs to make some money and keep themselves busy. There are many benefits for teens having a temporary summer job besides earning money, as it’s an excellent opportunity to build self-esteem, develop people skills, money smarts, become more independent, as well as increased respect and compassion for other people.

Even though 6 million American teenagers who hold jobs reap many benefits, there are risks to be considered as well. According to the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health, about 230,000 teen workers are injured annually, ranging from burns and cuts in restaurant kitchens to power tool accidents, and falls from roofs in construction and landscaping jobs. While deaths are rare, between 60 and 70 job-related deaths involving teens occur every year, with close to half of those being in agricultural jobs.

There are other hazards that are not life-threatening, including sexual harassment, hostile co-workers, managers or customers that can create numerous child safety problems for teens. The University of North Carolina published the results of a study in the American Academy of Pediatrics journal named Pediatrics, finding that teens aged 14 to 18 who work at retail and service jobs during the school year put in an average of 16 hours a week, often at jobs that are dangerous and unsupervised.

The study of 928 teen workers found that U.S. youth who work at retail and service jobs “are exposed to multiple hazards, use dangerous equipment despite federal prohibitions and work long hours during the school week.” 80% of them work after 7 p.m. on school nights and over half of them are still working past 9 p.m. The report also says that these teen workers “lack consistent training and adult supervision on the job.”

For most teens and their parents, the payoffs of summer employment far out-weigh the risks. Help your teen create a winning teen resume with the free online service at MyFirstPaycheck, that offers tips and a step-by-guide for kids as young as middle school age to create their own resume. Before your teen accepts a job, consider these child safety tips to help ensure your teen understands child labor laws and their legal rights to work in a safe environment:

Child Labor Laws
Educate yourself and your teen regarding child labor regulations so that he or she will know how to respond if asked to do anything inappropriate, such as serving alcohol in a restaurant or working beyond allowable hours. Go to YouthRules! for specific child labor laws in your particular state, as there is an abundance of information and resources to be found there for teens, parents, educators and employers.

While it may be legal for your teen to work until 7 p.m. on school nights, you might want him or her home by that time so as not to be driving after dark, even over the summer. Establish your own ground rules as a responsible parent, requiring your teen to follow the guidelines and rules you’ve set, which may mean you’ll have to be stricter.

Questions to Ask
Rather than simply asking your teen, “How was work today honey?”, ask leading questions that require more than a simple, “Fine” response. Ask questions like, “Does the manager or supervisor ever ask you to work after you clock out?” Or, “Have your job responsibilities changed since you started the job?”

You need to know if your teen who was hired to do something innocuous may have been given additional duties that may be riskier. You don’t want your teen to be a statistic of job-related injuries when he or she was originally hired to bus tables, but discover too late that they’d been put in the back using a slicing machine.

Signs of Sexual Harassment
The University of Southern Maine in Portland’s sexual harassment study involving 393 teen boys and girls, published in Good Housekeeping Magazine, found that 35% said they had been sexually harassed on the job (two-thirds of whom were female).

Talk to your teens about the study and ask, “Has anyone at work asked you out repeatedly after you’ve already said no?” And, “Has anyone ever made crude comments about your appearance or touched you in an inappropriate way that made you feel uncomfortable?”

Empower your teen to speak up for themselves assertively, so they know how to respond accordingly. Parents can help their teen by role-playing and practicing possible harassment scenarios, teaching your teen to say things like, “That’s gross. Don’t ever say things like that to me again.” If appropriate changes are not made and the harasser continues the behavior, help your teen write a complaint to the manager, or to the next person up the ladder if the manager is sexually harassing your teen.

In cases where the manager is breaking the law, the best course of action for your teen may be to quit and find another job, then report the manager or organization to your state’s Department of Labor. Remember, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Further Reading:

Understanding Assertiveness: Getting the Respect You Deserve

Building Self-Confidence in Children with Self-Esteem Activities

Popularity: 2% [?]