As the cost of living soars, more young adults are turning to their parents for financial help. Sometimes the best help of all is saying no. I recently read an article entitled “Keeping Your Kids Afloat” in the AARP magazine. After reading the article, and visiting the message board associated with the article, and reading many comments from parents and grandparents alike, it is mind-boggling to me.
Excerpts from the article:
Six months after Sue and Jim Pearson of Washington, Indiana, were married, Sue’s daughter, Kimberly, 22, called and said, “I have nowhere else to go. I’m coming home.” Kimberly had been living with her fiance’ and his parents. Then the engagement ended, and her daycare-center job didn’t pay enough to support her.
When Russ Phillips was 19, “he heard there were jobs in Utah, so he just took off,” says his mother, April Phillips, of Reston, Virginia. Armed with a high-school-equivalency diploma, Russ found a series of menial jobs-waiting tables, sorting cans, working as a ranch hand. Sometimes he had to ask his mother to help out with money for food, rent, or a car payment. “I never sent him enough to come home, only enough to solve the problem,” says April, an elementary-school teacher.
Families like the Pearsons and the Phillipses are popping up everywhere these days as young adults confront higher hurdles on the path to independence. Since 1970 the number of adults ages 25 to 34 living in a parent’s home has ballooned by more than 50 percent, to 39 million-and parents, on average, are spending an inflation-adjusted 13 percent more on their grown offspring, reports a University of Michigan study based on Census Bureau data. For many parents the financial strain of this longer haul means postponing retirement, raiding savings, or taking on debt in an effort to help their kids. For all, it means added worry.
“This is a cultural sea change.” says Linda Perlman Gordon, a psychotherapist and coauthor (with Susan Morris Shaffer) of “Mom, Can I Move Back In With You?”, of the phenomenon of parental involvement in grown children’s lives. She and Shaffer use the term adultescence to describe the prolonged period today’s young people spend as no-longer-adolescents and no-quite-adults.
Economic pressures have certainly contributed to greater dependence on the parental pocketbook and homestead. Entry-level salaries have not kept pace with inflation. A booming housing market has made setting up a household beyond the reach of many young adults. And education costs are spiraling upward, saddling the average college graduate with $18,900 in student loans, a 66 percent gain since 1997, according to a study published by loan provider Nellie Mae Corporation.
Some observers think there’s more at play then sheer numbers, however. Grown kids are more dependent on their parents’ money because they have been raised with a sense of entitlement, they say. “Baby-boomer parents tend to be freer with their money than were their own parents, who grew up in the Depression,” points out Jane Adams, author of “When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us”.
“I see young adults struggle with this notion of stepping backward.” says Nathan Dungan, president of Share-Save-Spend, an organization that teaches financial responsibility to families. “They are the first generation that’s been marketed to since they were little children. They’re used to their own rooms and bathrooms. They’re used to eating certain foods and driving in certain cars.”
And they may not know what they’re getting into when a bank offers them a credit card at age 18. Little wonder card balances average $5,000 for 25- to 34-year olds today. For parents, the upshot can be both painful and expensive, as Melissa and Chris Skelton of Las Vegas learned. The Skeltons have always paid their bills on time, so imagine their surprise recently when an application for a zero percent loan on a new Suzuki came back with a counteroffer–a whopping 12 percent interest rate. The reason? Their daughter, Tiffany, 25, had been late with payments four times on her car loan, which Dad had cosigned.
“I love my daughter–she’s awesome, she really is,” Melissa emphasizes. “But this has really hurt us.” Raising Adult Children Not Moochers.
Further Reading:
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around him. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors.
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1 How To Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us | Telling It Like It Is // Apr 10, 2008 at 5:01 am
[…] Closing the Bank of Mom and Dad […]
2 A Sense of Entitlement | Telling It Like It Is // Jul 30, 2008 at 5:01 am
[…] your parents or grandparents become your personal ATM machine, where parents are treated like The National Bank of Mom and Dad in order to pay your bills, while you spend your own money on other things? Do your “needs” for […]
3 K ROCKEY // Aug 2, 2008 at 2:42 am
i was remarried two years ago. I have 3 grown children of my own and he has 2. We made the mistake of letting 2 of the girls live here rent-free because they had small babies. Then the guy also because he was co-raising 3 kids. Our problem is this…the oldest of all hads shown up with his girlfired and a dog; both of which are against my house rules. I grew up with 10 siblings;.NO PETS. Not once haave I seen tham feed, water, or bathe this dog. They refuse to adhere to the simplest of thouse rules, either because it inconveniences them or they just want to piss me (setpmom) off. My husband, my stepson, and I busts our asses all day at work, while this girl lays up in my house, not working and decides to roll out of bed around 2 p.m. I have constantly asked her not to park in front of the mailbox because we don’t get our mail promptly. They pay zero (as did the other kids) but this couple is wearing me out. Washing 10 times a day. Never buying anything. Leaving porchlights on all night, not locking doors. She doesn’t work so she’s here all day - wakes up around 2 pm - greets my step son, then they climb back in bed together for anouther few hours. My delimma is this…”I AM A CHRISTIAN” I don’t condone shacking up in your parents’ house. Her parents are Christains also, and she couldn’t pull this crap there. Now since she knows I’ve voiced my disapproval, she storms arround hear as if she’s been deeply offended. Our bills have trippled, we’ve been late on some we couldn’t get to, the dog has driven us nuts…THE GIRL IS SO DISRESPECTFUL, SHE’S 21 AND SHE HASN’T SPOKEN IN 3 WEEKS. WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE AN INDEFINITE STAY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 1 WEEK ONLY, NO DOG, AND ONE OF TEM ON THE SOFA AT ALL TIMES. ……MY HUSBAND IS NO HELP!!!! BUT HELP!!!!!
4 Lin (793 comments.) // Aug 2, 2008 at 7:19 am
K, obviously these kids are taking advantage of the situation and stepping all over you because you’re “just” the step mom. The typical step child rant, “I don’t have to listen to you” is quite common even among adult children, as you’ve seen yourself.
Your husband is no help in this? That’s not good news at all. Does your husband not understand how you feel? Does he not care how you feel? Does he not agree that enabling the kids to live in the house under these circumstances is creating a problem between himself and his own wife? What does your husband say about this situation?
His first priority is to you, his wife. His children are now grown and need to be on their own, living their own lives as they choose as well as learning how to make adult decisions including how to live within their means etc.
If I were you, I’d be having a private conversation away from the house with him and clearly tell him how this situation is creating problems in your marriage. I’d be asking him if he is willing to sacrifice the marriage in order to “help” his kids, including how you feel these adults are being abusive towards you and the home.
It’s very disturbing to see how your husband knows your Christian beliefs and yet is willing to ignore your wishes and feelings on this matter. The fact that these are “his” kids makes it appear that you do not come first in his life, and does not understand what it means to leave and cleave in marriage.
Helping kids is one thing, but enabling grown children is quite another. The effects of enabling behaviors are astounding, and even destroys marriages (the parents).
If after discussing this privately with your husband and being very clear and assertive about how you feel, if he brushes it off as nothing and basically lets you know in one way or another that he’s not going to make changes to the situation by getting these kids out of the house, then it’s time for you to determine what your relationship deal breakers” are. Having Christian beliefs is not an excuse for your husband or his children to treat you with such disrespect, if not downright abuse. It may come down to an either or situation; either you accept the way things are as dictated by your husband or you make the personal choice to stand up for yourself and your own rights and decide you’re not going to take it anymore. I wish you luck K, and I hope you and your husband can resolve this problem amicably.
The books discussed on my article how to stop enabling have been very helpful in these situations, based upon the number of emails I’ve received from parents who now say their grown children are out of the house and on their own and the parents marriage and financial situation are back to normal. You may want to consider those books as well. Good luck K!
5 K ROCKEY // Aug 4, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Wow! The situation took a turn for the worse quick. After asking that the son and girlfriend remove some items from our front yard that appeared while I was out, I was cursed out and called various names by both of them. The son informed me that he could do anything in this *&%% house that he wanted to and I had no say so in it. I locked myself in my room.(He’s 6′5″, 250 lbs). When I told my husband later, he told me he didn’t need this kind of conflict. The son and girlfriend laid down to sleep as though nothing happened. However, my 22 year old, 95 lb. daughter came over later and stood up to them. She told them no one could disrespect her mom like that and sleep in her house. She actually challlenged him to a fight. The next day they were gone. My husband has still said nothing.
6 Lin (793 comments.) // Aug 4, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Hi K, I’m sorry on one hand and glad on another. Glad that both grown kids are out of the house. Your daughter was right that those “adults” had no business disrespecting you and your home.
However, it’s disturbing (I’m putting this mildly) that your husband didn’t stick up for you, come to your defense as his wife (his first priority, as I’ve mentioned in the article about leaving and cleaving), and hasn’t apparently done anything to make it clear to his children that you are his wife and disrespect of you is the same as disrespecting him.
K, this is not good news. I’m sorry for that. I’ve always been a big believer in knowing what future behaviors there will be based upon previous behaviors. A quote I use from time to time is, “when someone shows you who they are…, believe them”.
For your own sake and peace of mind (and future happiness) it’s important for you to know clearly where your husband stands on these issues. If he will allow his children to treat you with utter disrespect, what can you expect in the future say…five years from now? Ten years? I get the feeling that your husband perhaps has the tendency towards being “passive aggressive”. Am I right?
If your husband will allow his own wife to be treated as you have been treated, with no repercussions forthcoming from him directly, what else will he tolerate in regards to how you are treated in the future by his children and family? I wonder.
7 Betty // Aug 13, 2008 at 9:27 pm
I feel so sorry for you K! Having experienced some of what you are dealing with myself, I think that if your husband continues to act the way he is now, you may have to make a very difficult decision soon about getting away from the situation. You don’t deserve to be treated like that by him or his brats! I find myself laying into my husband’s brats whenever they are disrespectful to me and I don’t care anymore how it is taken by any of them! I have decided that I am a person deserving of respect and if I have to tell them how it is, I will! They have become arrogant and do not have good relationships with other people. If they had been taught to fly on their own and to take responsibility for their actions, they might have had chance at happinesss. Now, I don’t see them having a happy life at all. They are 37 and 46 so are not “boys” anymore. Too sad!
8 K ROCKEY // Aug 16, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Well, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse. I was informed that I had deliberatel picked a fight with them for no reason just to throw them out of the house. He talks to them all day long and me very little. He has asked me to take my cell phone off his plan and put it on my daughter’s. I know I should start making a separate life plan, but this is so painful. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t think I ever mentioned that I’m black and my husband and his children ar e white. Frankly, I’m fed up wth the use of the n- word and the black jokes. I love him but I’ve got to get out of thiis horribly bad situation.
9 Lin (793 comments.) // Aug 16, 2008 at 10:08 pm
K, I’m so sorry things have gotten this bad. I kinda saw it coming to be honest with you, but I know it has to be very painful for you.
I cannot believe you’ve even had to deal with racial slurs and “jokes”! That is horrific! That makes ME mad! I detest anything racial, and to be in a marriage relationship where this type of behavior is shown, I can only say that you will be much better off out of this marriage.
Absolutely, do begin your plans to get out, and the sooner the better. There is no reason for you to have to be put through such nonsense.
From my point of view, anyone experiencing racial “jokes” and racial slurs is (in my opinion) in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship, and NO ONE should put up with that kind of crap.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you K. You deserve to be treated with respect from not only your husband, but from his children as well. Your husband should have supported your beliefs and stuck by your side, that’s what “leaving and cleaving” is all about.
Leave with your head held high K. Don’t allow this to beat you down emotionally. It really is for the best that you get out, and maintain your dignity and pride as you do so.
HUGS!!!!!
10 Betty (4 comments.) // Aug 17, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Dear K,
I’m so sorry there have been racial problems in addition to all that you have had to endure with these losers! You truly deserve much better than to stick with such a toxic bunch! I’m afraid that they will only get worse. Obviously, they had very poor training in human relations while growing up. Their attitudes should have gone out with the 1900’s! When will people learn?
I hated living in the South because of such behavior. (I’m Hispanic so had a few problems during the 60’s due to ignorance on both sides.) I like seeing relationships that are mixed. I think they are healthy. I don’t think God had color in mind when He told us to go out into the world and find a good, loving mate, and have a family. Too bad we don’t all think that’s enough.
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