As the cost of living soars, more young adults are turning to their parents for financial help. Sometimes the best help of all is saying no. I recently read an article entitled “Keeping Your Kids Afloat” in the AARP magazine. After reading the article, and visiting the message board associated with the article, and reading many comments from parents and grandparents alike, it is mind-boggling to me.
Excerpts from the article:
Six months after Sue and Jim Pearson of Washington, Indiana, were married, Sue’s daughter, Kimberly, 22, called and said, “I have nowhere else to go. I’m coming home.” Kimberly had been living with her fiance’ and his parents. Then the engagement ended, and her daycare-center job didn’t pay enough to support her.
When Russ Phillips was 19, “he heard there were jobs in Utah, so he just took off,” says his mother, April Phillips, of Reston, Virginia. Armed with a high-school-equivalency diploma, Russ found a series of menial jobs-waiting tables, sorting cans, working as a ranch hand. Sometimes he had to ask his mother to help out with money for food, rent, or a car payment. “I never sent him enough to come home, only enough to solve the problem,” says April, an elementary-school teacher.
Families like the Pearsons and the Phillipses are popping up everywhere these days as young adults confront higher hurdles on the path to independence. Since 1970 the number of adults ages 25 to 34 living in a parent’s home has ballooned by more than 50 percent, to 39 million-and parents, on average, are spending an inflation-adjusted 13 percent more on their grown offspring, reports a University of Michigan study based on Census Bureau data. For many parents the financial strain of this longer haul means postponing retirement, raiding savings, or taking on debt in an effort to help their kids. For all, it means added worry.
“This is a cultural sea change.” says Linda Perlman Gordon, a psychotherapist and coauthor (with Susan Morris Shaffer) of “Mom, Can I Move Back In With You?”, of the phenomenon of parental involvement in grown children’s lives. She and Shaffer use the term adultescence to describe the prolonged period today’s young people spend as no-longer-adolescents and no-quite-adults.
Economic pressures have certainly contributed to greater dependence on the parental pocketbook and homestead. Entry-level salaries have not kept pace with inflation. A booming housing market has made setting up a household beyond the reach of many young adults. And education costs are spiraling upward, saddling the average college graduate with $18,900 in student loans, a 66 percent gain since 1997, according to a study published by loan provider Nellie Mae Corporation.
Some observers think there’s more at play then sheer numbers, however. Grown kids are more dependent on their parents’ money because they have been raised with a sense of entitlement, they say. “Baby-boomer parents tend to be freer with their money than were their own parents, who grew up in the Depression,” points out Jane Adams, author of “When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us”.
“I see young adults struggle with this notion of stepping backward.” says Nathan Dungan, president of Share-Save-Spend, an organization that teaches financial responsibility to families. “They are the first generation that’s been marketed to since they were little children. They’re used to their own rooms and bathrooms. They’re used to eating certain foods and driving in certain cars.”
And they may not know what they’re getting into when a bank offers them a credit card at age 18. Little wonder card balances average $5,000 for 25- to 34-year olds today. For parents, the upshot can be both painful and expensive, as Melissa and Chris Skelton of Las Vegas learned. The Skeltons have always paid their bills on time, so imagine their surprise recently when an application for a zero percent loan on a new Suzuki came back with a counteroffer–a whopping 12 percent interest rate. The reason? Their daughter, Tiffany, 25, had been late with payments four times on her car loan, which Dad had cosigned.
“I love my daughter–she’s awesome, she really is,” Melissa emphasizes. “But this has really hurt us.” Raising Adult Children Not Moochers.
Further Reading:
A Sense of Entitlement
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around him. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors.
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i was remarried two years ago. I have 3 grown children of my own and he has 2. We made the mistake of letting 2 of the girls live here rent-free because they had small babies. Then the guy also because he was co-raising 3 kids. Our problem is this…the oldest of all hads shown up with his girlfired and a dog; both of which are against my house rules. I grew up with 10 siblings;.NO PETS. Not once haave I seen tham feed, water, or bathe this dog. They refuse to adhere to the simplest of thouse rules, either because it inconveniences them or they just want to piss me (setpmom) off. My husband, my stepson, and I busts our asses all day at work, while this girl lays up in my house, not working and decides to roll out of bed around 2 p.m. I have constantly asked her not to park in front of the mailbox because we don’t get our mail promptly. They pay zero (as did the other kids) but this couple is wearing me out. Washing 10 times a day. Never buying anything. Leaving porchlights on all night, not locking doors. She doesn’t work so she’s here all day – wakes up around 2 pm – greets my step son, then they climb back in bed together for anouther few hours. My delimma is this…”I AM A CHRISTIAN” I don’t condone shacking up in your parents’ house. Her parents are Christains also, and she couldn’t pull this crap there. Now since she knows I’ve voiced my disapproval, she storms arround hear as if she’s been deeply offended. Our bills have trippled, we’ve been late on some we couldn’t get to, the dog has driven us nuts…THE GIRL IS SO DISRESPECTFUL, SHE’S 21 AND SHE HASN’T SPOKEN IN 3 WEEKS. WHAT TURNED OUT TO BE AN INDEFINITE STAY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 1 WEEK ONLY, NO DOG, AND ONE OF TEM ON THE SOFA AT ALL TIMES. ……MY HUSBAND IS NO HELP!!!! BUT HELP!!!!!
Are you kidding me?? This is classic ENABLING behavior & you are doing these “ADULTS” an injustice by allowing them to mooch off of you and your husband. I am sure that there is great turmoil and resentment on many levels, but you’re putting up with it. The minute you kick them out of the house and cut off the flow of money, will be the moment when when they LEARN HOW TO BE RESPONSIBLE! This is a late lesson, but better late than never.
Expect whining and pleas for help, but DO NOT GIVE IN. You and your husband probably have a “need to be needed” syndrome which is CREATING this problem. You want to be involved in their lives – and you will sacrifice your sanity to have them need you. I would guess that you (and these ‘children’) are used to chaos and a ‘normal life’ of peace & quiet would probably freak you out. You will probably SEEK turmoil because it’s comfortable. This is a common situation.
You are stunting these adults passing on a dangerous legacy to those grandchildren. They will have low self esteem because they feel like failures – they can’t even run their own lives. There are many articles on ENABLING and Helping vs Enabling Adult Children. They will never grow up and face their responsibilities when you are taking the load. WISE UP!
You and your husband may need some counseling to get on the same page (saying NO) and to get to the root of why you allowed this to happen. Your relationship with your kids will be rocky at first, but better in the long run.
Good luck.
Well, this did not work out. I packed and moved out. The daughter lives there and the son drives my car. So much for happily everafter. If therre is a counselor out there who can help me, please do.
K, obviously these kids are taking advantage of the situation and stepping all over you because you’re “just” the step mom. The typical step child rant, “I don’t have to listen to you” is quite common even among adult children, as you’ve seen yourself.
Your husband is no help in this? That’s not good news at all. Does your husband not understand how you feel? Does he not care how you feel? Does he not agree that enabling the kids to live in the house under these circumstances is creating a problem between himself and his own wife? What does your husband say about this situation?
His first priority is to you, his wife. His children are now grown and need to be on their own, living their own lives as they choose as well as learning how to make adult decisions including how to live within their means etc.
If I were you, I’d be having a private conversation away from the house with him and clearly tell him how this situation is creating problems in your marriage. I’d be asking him if he is willing to sacrifice the marriage in order to “help” his kids, including how you feel these adults are being abusive towards you and the home.
It’s very disturbing to see how your husband knows your Christian beliefs and yet is willing to ignore your wishes and feelings on this matter. The fact that these are “his” kids makes it appear that you do not come first in his life, and does not understand what it means to leave and cleave in marriage.
Helping kids is one thing, but enabling grown children is quite another. The effects of enabling behaviors are astounding, and even destroys marriages (the parents).
If after discussing this privately with your husband and being very clear and assertive about how you feel, if he brushes it off as nothing and basically lets you know in one way or another that he’s not going to make changes to the situation by getting these kids out of the house, then it’s time for you to determine what your relationship deal breakers” are. Having Christian beliefs is not an excuse for your husband or his children to treat you with such disrespect, if not downright abuse. It may come down to an either or situation; either you accept the way things are as dictated by your husband or you make the personal choice to stand up for yourself and your own rights and decide you’re not going to take it anymore. I wish you luck K, and I hope you and your husband can resolve this problem amicably.
The books discussed on my article how to stop enabling have been very helpful in these situations, based upon the number of emails I’ve received from parents who now say their grown children are out of the house and on their own and the parents marriage and financial situation are back to normal. You may want to consider those books as well. Good luck K!
Wow! The situation took a turn for the worse quick. After asking that the son and girlfriend remove some items from our front yard that appeared while I was out, I was cursed out and called various names by both of them. The son informed me that he could do anything in this *&%% house that he wanted to and I had no say so in it. I locked myself in my room.(He’s 6’5″, 250 lbs). When I told my husband later, he told me he didn’t need this kind of conflict. The son and girlfriend laid down to sleep as though nothing happened. However, my 22 year old, 95 lb. daughter came over later and stood up to them. She told them no one could disrespect her mom like that and sleep in her house. She actually challlenged him to a fight. The next day they were gone. My husband has still said nothing.
Hi K, I’m sorry on one hand and glad on another. Glad that both grown kids are out of the house. Your daughter was right that those “adults” had no business disrespecting you and your home.
However, it’s disturbing (I’m putting this mildly) that your husband didn’t stick up for you, come to your defense as his wife (his first priority, as I’ve mentioned in the article about leaving and cleaving), and hasn’t apparently done anything to make it clear to his children that you are his wife and disrespect of you is the same as disrespecting him.
K, this is not good news. I’m sorry for that. I’ve always been a big believer in knowing what future behaviors there will be based upon previous behaviors. A quote I use from time to time is, “when someone shows you who they are…, believe them”.
For your own sake and peace of mind (and future happiness) it’s important for you to know clearly where your husband stands on these issues. If he will allow his children to treat you with utter disrespect, what can you expect in the future say…five years from now? Ten years? I get the feeling that your husband perhaps has the tendency towards being “passive aggressive”. Am I right?
If your husband will allow his own wife to be treated as you have been treated, with no repercussions forthcoming from him directly, what else will he tolerate in regards to how you are treated in the future by his children and family? I wonder.
I feel so sorry for you K! Having experienced some of what you are dealing with myself, I think that if your husband continues to act the way he is now, you may have to make a very difficult decision soon about getting away from the situation. You don’t deserve to be treated like that by him or his brats! I find myself laying into my husband’s brats whenever they are disrespectful to me and I don’t care anymore how it is taken by any of them! I have decided that I am a person deserving of respect and if I have to tell them how it is, I will! They have become arrogant and do not have good relationships with other people. If they had been taught to fly on their own and to take responsibility for their actions, they might have had chance at happinesss. Now, I don’t see them having a happy life at all. They are 37 and 46 so are not “boys” anymore. Too sad!
Well, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse. I was informed that I had deliberatel picked a fight with them for no reason just to throw them out of the house. He talks to them all day long and me very little. He has asked me to take my cell phone off his plan and put it on my daughter’s. I know I should start making a separate life plan, but this is so painful. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t think I ever mentioned that I’m black and my husband and his children ar e white. Frankly, I’m fed up wth the use of the n- word and the black jokes. I love him but I’ve got to get out of thiis horribly bad situation.
K, I’m so sorry things have gotten this bad. I kinda saw it coming to be honest with you, but I know it has to be very painful for you.
I cannot believe you’ve even had to deal with racial slurs and “jokes”! That is horrific! That makes ME mad! I detest anything racial, and to be in a marriage relationship where this type of behavior is shown, I can only say that you will be much better off out of this marriage.
Absolutely, do begin your plans to get out, and the sooner the better. There is no reason for you to have to be put through such nonsense.
From my point of view, anyone experiencing racial “jokes” and racial slurs is (in my opinion) in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship, and NO ONE should put up with that kind of crap.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you K. You deserve to be treated with respect from not only your husband, but from his children as well. Your husband should have supported your beliefs and stuck by your side, that’s what “leaving and cleaving” is all about.
Leave with your head held high K. Don’t allow this to beat you down emotionally. It really is for the best that you get out, and maintain your dignity and pride as you do so.
HUGS!!!!!
Dear K,
I’m so sorry there have been racial problems in addition to all that you have had to endure with these losers! You truly deserve much better than to stick with such a toxic bunch! I’m afraid that they will only get worse. Obviously, they had very poor training in human relations while growing up. Their attitudes should have gone out with the 1900′s! When will people learn?
I hated living in the South because of such behavior. (I’m Hispanic so had a few problems during the 60′s due to ignorance on both sides.) I like seeing relationships that are mixed. I think they are healthy. I don’t think God had color in mind when He told us to go out into the world and find a good, loving mate, and have a family. Too bad we don’t all think that’s enough.
Unbelievable that you have endured this entire family’s abuse for so long. I noticed you stated “this is so painful”, but the only solution to end the pain is to get out of it. Your stepchildren are adults who mirror their father’s perceptions of the world and what is appropriate. If not, he would not tolerate it either. Get with a counselor or pastor and concentrate on self-esteem and set some goals for yourself. Keep a journal and look back from time to time and you will be surprised how fast things get better. Good Luck.
Hello Suzanne, the old saying about “children learn what they live” is so true in these cases. No one should ever have to put up with such these, and sometimes it’s necessary to take stock of the situation and realize you’re better off without that person/people in your life and move on.
I wrote last night concerning the racial slurs and jokes. Horrible. I am a situation that is as bad or worse. That’s why I am on line looking for answers. My adult son, almost 24, has been to prison, rehab, jail, half-way house, has a son almost 2, never worked and because of felonies may not ever, a girlfriend just as bad. She moved in for 2 days and that was 6 mos. ago. Won’t work, do dishes or laundry, sleeps all day, runs all night, has cheated on my son, lied to me and stolen from me. She is moving out TODAY. I had my lawyer send my son a letter that after the 1st of the year I will no longer help him financially. I have also paid for the paternity test, lawyer fees for support, you name it. His son lived with me for the first 9 mos. of his life too. His answer is if I don’t pay for rehab ect, it will be my fault he goes back to prison. Emotional blackmail. Then there’s my daughter. 22, dropped out of college 2 mos. before graduating, destroyed a beautiful Lincoln Continental, also friends with my son’s girlfriend, lied to me, bad-mouthed me, cussed me, stolen my credit cards and checkbook (about $7,000) and appeared against me in court with her dad who never had anything to do with her since she was 2 to try and get 40,000 in back support. Sounds like I am making it up. I have no family except my brother whose advise is to throw them both out and don’t look back. I am to the point I can’t stand it. I understand I am hurting them now because they are using me to continue their plan of something for nothing. My daughter is the one who had me fooled the most. She was basically leading a double life. I had my lawyer send her a letter too. Funny, my son just handed me an estimate he needs $1200 for tires and work on his car. It was my car a week ago before I titled it in his name. And I paid the insurance thru the end of the year. I need help!!
Suzanne, what a catastrophe you are dealing with. You are obviously being used and abused by your own children, and it will only get worse if you continue on with this for one more second.
Absolutely, without hesitation, do NOT give any of those children one more red cent. Not one single solitary help of any kind, financially or otherwise. Throw them all out and change the locks immediately.
I would never have suggested having a lawyer send them a letter saying after the first of the year you won’t help them financially anymore. After the first of the year? The amount of financial devastation that they could bring upon you during these last few months of this year is incredible!
Do NOT give your son or daughter any more help! The estimate for tires? TEAR IT UP! He’s 24 years old! If he ends up back in jail, it’s his own fault! Not yours! Kick his sorry, lazy ass butt out of the house once and for all and that includes his sorry ass girlfriend!
Emotional blackmail? Let him and her say whatever they want. Let them rant and rave all they want. They are USING you and abusing you for their own selfish motives! There is NO way in hell anyone would ever treat me that way, let alone my own children and get away with it. No freaking way!
All three of them are fully grown adults, and the choices they’ve made or make in their future is their own fault, and you’re going to end up in bankruptcy court if you don’t stop this now! Not one more penny to any of these “kids”. It will never stop and you’ll be penniless yourself if you don’t stop the enabling.
Where will they go? Where will they live? What will they eat? How will they survive? That’s THEIR responsibility and THEIR problem, not yours! KICK THEM ALL OUT and change the locks! Turn off your phone if you have to, to avoid their calls for awhile, but stop this right now!
If they need to get “their stuff”, give them a few days of “cooling off” time and then arrange for several people to be with you when they come to get their belongings, and that includes the police if necessary. Can I be any more clear? Listen to your brother, he’s being very wise. Hold back your tears, don’t allow any emotion to show. GET MAD at them and throw their butts out once and for all!
100% Agree. Suzanne, quit being a doormat. As long as you lay there & take it, they will walk on you. Can you get counseling? It would help. They need TOUGH LOVE & to learn to handle their own lives & finances. Get the song “I AM WOMAN” by Helen Reddy – make it your mantra.
I know you are right. I have spent most of the past year in private counseling which my kids don’t know about. I keep trying to figure out where everything went wrong. I keep expecting them to appreciate and do what’s right but I don’t think it’s going to happen any other way than to kick them out. The girlfriend is out as of tonight, her own mom won’t let her in the house. She’s in their garage. And yes, they are raising her 1 year old. She left his bedroom upside down and trash everywhere. Then my son asked if she could do all of her laundry here tomorrow ?!! What a mess I’m in. My son asked me to rent them an apt., fix his car, buy him some new clothes, and give him $ for gas and food. All today. I said no way. This is going to get worse before it gets better. Thanks for being supportive.
Keep saying no Suzanne, and don’t give in or back down. Stay strong and firm and unwavering in your resolve for change. Each and every time you give in or show any sense of “guilt trip” nonsense, you can bet the kids are going to jump on it and use it against you, perhaps even upping the game plan to get you to give in to their demands.
No money, no help with paying for car repairs, no helping getting them an apartment, no co-signing for an apartment or loans of any kind. Absolutely nothing, nada, zip. Be tough and stay tough. It will work out for your benefit and theirs in the long run. You just have to get past the initial hurdles of them manipulating and using you right now.
I have been doing some serious soul searching the past few days. I shared your thoughts with my brother and he says “go for it” too so I did. The girlfriend is out. My son made a comment that shook me up but that’s because it’s got a lot of truth to it. He said I won’t have a life if I throw them out, that all I have done for 20 years is take care of them. (They were 2 & 4 when I divorced.) He said I have no friends and no family and no choice. Well, I have news for him. Things are going to change. I am going to set some goals for myself to make friends and get out of this house and do something besides work and give the money to them. They somehow managed to get $ from their father for each of them to get 4 new tires. I saved $600 already. My daughter got him to agree to give her gas $ to finish college, went and got readmitted today, and my son gave me $500 to put back for him to move out and tonight we are going to set down together and make a budget for him so he can be out in a month. I told them I want them to visit but I need my privacy and so do they. Wish me luck. I feel like a fool.
Suzanne, don’t feel like a fool. Just realize that you are just one of thousands (millions?) of parents dealing with grown children living at home and who aren’t acting responsibly for themselves. The number of people who read my articles every day about “helping vs. enabling” is astounding. You are not alone Suzanne; there are MANY parents going through the same exact thing as you are, and they’re frustrated and angry and looking for help just like you did.
Be very careful not to allow the “darts” your son seems to be throwing at you emotionally to reach the intended target. Over the next month, while you’re working out the move-out plan, watch and listen very carefully to the sometimes subtle comments made by your son or daughter, and put up a tough emotional wall to keep the comments from hurting you emotionally. His comment that you won’t have a life etc is one dart intended to hurt you and cause you to back down. There will be more darts coming; so watch for them, don’t react and don’t allow either of them to see any emotion from you that would indicate a “bulls eye” with their negative, mean comments.
Make a fun plan for yourself of things you can and will do once you’ve got the place to yourself again. Save your money for a nice vacation trip, perhaps a nice cruise for singles! I know several people who’ve gone on singles cruises and had the best time of their lives, going all by themselves and coming away from it with loads of friends they still keep in contact with.
At the very end of this article about closing the bank of mom and dad, I’ve got a link to a brief article about “support groups for parents with grown children living at home”. Check out that brief article and get yourself signed up with the support group I mention and link to there. There are tons of other women and moms there that you can get more encouragement from on all types of topics you can imagine. You are not alone in this situation; there are many many parents dealing with the same exact problems are you are.
Stick to your guns and don’t give in. Say this sentence to yourself over and over, “It’s MY TURN now” and mean it. Get out of the house, do fun things you’ve wanted to do but couldn’t. Take a class at a local community college for fun or education. Start doing some fun crafts that don’t cost a lot of money, do a bit of redecorating of your place to give it some new color and pizazz with the new-found Suzanne.
Hi, Suzanne!
The tips all of us are getting from Lin make so much sense. You will be so happy in the end if you stick to your guns, and you will have much respect for YOURSELF as well as peace of mind! Our children can only hurt us if we let them do it. They are still looking for boundaries even if they are adults. They will find a way to help themselves if given no other choice. I have seen this happen with one of my daughters who finds it easier to ask for financial help instead of thinking through her options and finding the best solutions to her immediate problem. That doesn’t mean I don’t listen and give advice if she asks for it. It also doesn’t necessarily mean she will listen. It DOES give her the opportunity to use me as a sounding board when needed.
For you, as well as finding friends by traveling, support groups, etc., you might want to join a group at your church (if you have one) for fellowship. Church groups can be there for us so we can find the strength to stand by our decisions to “help” our children by forcing them to grow up and fend for themselves.
Adult children who won’t grow up are in what I call “arrested adolescence.” They are not able to find their way out and go on with their lives to succeed with the goals they should have set for themselves early on. I don’t especially mean financial success, just being able to find steady work, have a family (if they so choose), and be happy with what they have accomplished.
Best of luck to you. Our prayers go with you.
Hi Betty, Thank-you for taking the interest and time to write. I know everything you are saying is true. I am going to church tomorrow for the first time in a few years. I read and study the bible everyday at home, but I need the companionship as well. Every day is a new one.
The kids are really in overdrive now that they think I’m serious. More pleading, more promises. I think I have been doing some of this enabling to keep from being faced with the reality that when they are gone, I’m going to have to do something for me. But now I’m kind of looking forward to it. Just to show how things never change, my son’s girlfriend who has no place to go, asked if she could stay here 2 more weeks just until she has time to get a paycheck. My son asked me if I could help just one more time. In the past 2 days, she’s gotten a tanning package, had her upper lip pierced, and went out last night and got high on cough and cold pills. But today she is sorry and will never do it again. Right. But I wasn’t even mad today. I told my son I don’t even want to talk about it. I told her she is an adult and I have complete faith in her that she will be able to take care of herself. It is a beautiful fall day where I live (IN) and I took my grandson who’s almost 2 to the park and didn’t really think about it much. My daughter who has a speeding ticket to pay, probation fines, owes me more money than I remember, got money from her dad and sent it to a guy in jail. Then today she had a screaming fit because I wouldn’t give her $150 to pay the ticket. it seems their money is to play on, and mine is supposed to be their’s too to take care of life. I know it’s going to get worse before it gets better.
Suzanne Piper
Suzanne, stick to your guns and don’t fall for the promises and pleadings. They never, ever last. All parents have to deal with “empty nest syndrome” at some point (in varying degrees), but it’s how parents deal with children leaving home and realizing parents having a life of their own and discovering there is still a lot of life to live after the kids have moved out.
Stay strong and don’t give in to promises and requests for money. Remember, the kids will try to work you over emotionally and try all various types of scenarios to get you to back down. Don’t do it. It’s all manipulation and trying to control you.
Hi Suzanne!
You go girl! Listen to Lin and keep saying NO! If your kids are SO needy, let them bug their dad – not you!
You’ve paid your dues and then some. This is YOUR time! You’ve done everything possible so you don’t have to do anymore.
I have told my husband that the only time we should help our kids is when they are critically ill or lose a job through downsizing and need TEMPORARY help. That’s it.
Maybe that’s tough love, but it has to be that way. How on earth will all these adult kids be able to vote sensibily, run businesses successfully, and raise their own children well if they have never been allowed to grow up? Now that’s scary to me!
God Bless!
Hey Betty,
I think the tough love is tougher on me than them! I am still holding strong. I did spend the afternoon with my son explaining why I feel so taken advantage of and used. I told him I need a break and he needs to be a man and take care of himself and his son. He agrees but … he needs my help. So I told him I don’t consider money help. I don’ t feel guilty either. All I am doing when I bail them out is paying to keep them in the same old shoes. I told my daughter the same. I deserve to be happy. Whatever that is. And you are right. There dad has never done anything for them so he can step up. They both want to throw that in my face. Well it won’t work. He may give them a few dollars now, but if he didn’t care whether or they had anything to eat when they were little, it won’t last very long and he’ll be back to his old self too.
I don’t question them anymore either. As in where did you get the $ for that, why are you so grouchy ect. I have been trying to go about my business. My daughter said she guessed I don’t care about her as I haven’t talked to her in a few days. I told her she never has a nice word to say, always is a smart alleck, and never talks to me unless it is to ask for money or tell me it’s none of my business so I got the message finally. I am catching on to the way we do things around here now.
I totally agree with what you told your husband. You are smarter that I.
Hi Suzanne, the comments your daughter is throwing at you is classic manipulation. All that nonsense about “you don’t love me” sorta comments is meant to hit the bulls eye target dead center, so build up that wall of resistance so that those comments don’t make their mark.
It’s great that you’re catching on to the tricks they are pulling now and the tactics grown children often use to get their own way. Keep a tough upper lip and remain firm in your resolve for them to move out and stay out, living on their own and paying their own way.
The current economy situation is actually a very good thing; it’s making everyone aware of the need to get back to the basics of living rather than focusing on what we have as possessions. Being able to keep a roof over our head and food in our stomachs is taking care of our basic needs. Cell phones, manicures, pedicures, facials, big screen tv’s, the latest and greatest of……x,y,z is all the frivolous spending people do. Living within our means applies not only to parents and people looking to buy a house they can’t afford, but being able to say NO to ourselves and our children (without guilt) in our spending habits is paramount to living with freedom from stress and worries of where our next meal will come from.
You’re doing great, just keep it up and don’t give in. Stay firmly resolved in their moving out and living their own lives. You have soooo much living to do, and soooo much fun to have as soon as the ol ball and chain of taking care of grown kids is over once and for all. I can hardly wait to hear what plans you’ve made for yourself to have some fun once they’re out of the house. (Be sure to change the locks afterwards too).
Hi Suzanne!
Lin is right on, as always! Excellent advice for all of us who have dealt with similar problems.
The reason I said something about your kids’ dad coming through with help is because I know what you went through while they were growing up. My ex would not help his kids, either. He didn’t care whether or not we lost our house or ended up on the street. His reasoning was that if he gave us money it would help me. What a jerk!
In time, when they mature, your kids will realize that you did the right thing by stopping the constant help. They’ll come around and love you for yourself and not what you can give them. My daughters did the same and now, for the most part, we are a great support system for each other. (I raised our son so that wasn’t an issue for us.)
Good luck!
Go ahead and encourage parents to stop enabling their adult kids. In my experience, it won’t matter. I have found it a waste of time to listen to these parents’ complaints. All the enabling parents I ever meet, and they are kind people, eventually choose to not stand up to their mooching kids. These parents are afraid of their kids–afraid of losing what the parents think is a relationship, afraid of the kids hating them, afraid of looking un-Christian, afraid that their incapable children will die in a gutter. Those fears rule the parents’ lives. Instead of standing up and saying to adult children, “Get out, now. We’re going on a vacation to Italy,” parents like this continue to be victims. I have never seen them have the courage to truly change and lead the hopeful lives that they, not their children, have worked for. These parents have lived all of their parenting lives this way, and now they allow their kids to destroy their bank accounts, their retirements, their dreams, and their self-respect, but they never call the kids’ bluffs. Somehow, they can’t see that they must be brave, cut loose, and let the kids fail. In the end, such parents have always refused to draw the line. As much as I’d love these parents to change, I think there’s no hope for them.
Hi Annie,
With the large number of people coming to these articles about “helping vs enabling” grown children, it does appear that at least some parents are coming to the realization that the “help” they thought they were giving really isn’t helping at all.
It often does occur that parents discover the problem well after the parents have begun suffering financially themselves, not before.
Society in general encourages enabling. We see it all around us on a daily basis. Just watch and see the attitudes and behaviors of some teenagers and grown children at Christmas who feel “entitled” to certain gifts even though the parents may not be able to give the gifts most wanted. I personally see that quite often, mostly at my job, with teenagers and adults expressing how upset they were when they didn’t get x,y,z on their Christmas list.
Some parents are afraid that they’re grown children will suddenly stop talking to them or allowing grandchildren to visit as a way of manipulating the parents into giving more money or more…….whatever it is. Some grandparents have emailed me directly talking about how their grown children have already stopped visiting, stopped calling, won’t allow their grandchildren to visit etc because the parents finally said “no more money”. Most have written back since saying they continued to be strong and didn’t continue with the enabling, and the “kids” finally realized they have to take care of themselves and not expect mom and/or dad to carry the financial burden they brought on themselves, and that the grandchildren visit regularly again. It’s called Tough Love, and more parents need to learn to be tough and stop the enabling.
Hi again. I’m glad Annie wasn’t the one who answered my response for help and support. Lin, I have followed your advice and it HAS helped. Both of mine are still living here but the girlfriend is at a shelter. Now the problem is keeping her out during the day while I’m at work. My son is still in rehab at night and he insists on bringing her even though we have repeatedly argued and I feel like my only choice is to change the locks. Which he threatens to break in if I do. He has before. Annie lives in a fantasy world. What about the single moms who have sons who slap them around and TAKE their money? A simple “trip to Italy” is absurd!! And “WE”, I have no one to back me up. Even my brother who is 65 and nephew who is 45 don’t want to be involved in helping me. I wouldn’t have a house to come back to if I said or did that. For over a week no less than 10 times a day I have told him no for $ for something. And on Thanksgiving when I put dinner on the table he started fighting with me and my daughter. I cannot remember a holiday meal for at least 9 or 10 years that he has not ruined by fighting as soon as I put dinner on the table. Yesterday was his girlfriend’s B-day, he asked me to make her a pineapple upside down cake so I did. Considering I don’t want to be around her I thought I was being nice. They came out of the bedroom to eat, and went back to the bedroom when done. I cleaned up the mess. Then her dad was here, dropped off her son who they are raising and in about half an hour all hell was breaking loose with them fighting so I sent the baby home to grandpa’s, her to the shelter and then got cussed by the grandpa over the phone and fought with my son for 2 hours because I refused to let her come back and spend the night. He threatened to never speak to me, not let me see his son who I go to another state and get every weekend, tear up everything and even burn down the house! So Annie can shove it. My son is bipolar, a drug addict, violent and manulipative, and for 16 years out of the past 24 I have been setting a good example, loving him and literally fighting to try and make him a man. I know what’s coming and quickly. I don’t worry what other’s will think, or if anyone thinks it’s Christian. I only worry if I will be alive after it’s over.
Suzanne, your situation is very similar to many others, so please know you are not alone in your struggles. The fact that your son is bipolar adds an important component to the subject of enabling. From the various parents who’ve either commented on these articles or have emailed me directly, some of them have grown children with Bipolar (or are drug addicts) and found that the only way they could “keep their sanity” (and money) was to kick their “child” out of the house once and for all.
One parent who emailed me said that she changed the locks, and when her son broke in anyway, she called the police and had him arrested for breaking and entering. He was of course released shortly thereafter but he got the message that his mom wasn’t going to put up with his nonsense any longer and he moved in with some friends. For a few weeks he wouldn’t speak to his mother at all, but then they began talking again and he knows he can’t live with her anymore no matter what he promises, and he’s now working full time and recently got himself an apartment.
They still occasionally butt heads and he starts an argument over something trivial but she never backs down or gives into his demands. She has yet to allow him into her home, and they always meet at a restaurant to visit or some public place with others around.
If your son is actually physically hitting you in any way, or physically assaulting you in some way like pushing or shoving you, you have every right to have him arrested. I know….I know that it seems so hard to have your own child arrested, but you have to protect yourself and your property.
Do not fear what others will think. It is none of their business and you cannot base your decisions on what others think or don’t think. This is your life you are trying to lead and trying to have a happy life. No one has the right to judge you or your actions, and anyone that does judge you, you must ignore as being completely ignorant.
I’m not sure what you meant when you said “I know what’s coming and quickly”, but I hope it’s that you are getting your son out of the house and won’t allow him or his girlfriend back in. Take whatever precautions you feel are necessary. Have police officers there with you to help protect you from any outbursts or rage. Get a restraining order, although it seems those don’t carry much weight with SOME people. Whatever you do, make sure you take precautions to protect yourself. Even if it means carrying around a baseball bat to defend yourself. Hopefully I’ll hear from you soon and you’ll be letting us know all is well and you are doing just fine, and your son is out once and for all. Hang in there Suzanne!
Hi, Lin and Suzanne.
I couldn’t read the last few letters regarding “tough love”, Suzanne’s dilemna, and your wonderful advice without adding my own story to, perhaps, help Suzanne understand that there is hope.
I have a daughter who was diagnosed bi-polar with borderline personality disorder in the 80′s so we have been aware of this seemingly more common mental disorder for a long time.
We did try to have her live with us (twice in the 90′s), but it just didn’t work. She was drinking, exhibiting bizarre behavior, and writing threats to people. At that time, there were not places for her to go and be safe like there are now. She ended up in jail and State prison which was not at all where she needed to be. It was the ‘out’ for the judicial system at that time, and parents were not to be listened to by judges or authorities of any kind.
She returned to our area after years of being in and out of facilities and begged us to let her live with us, again. We had been advised not to and had to stick to that advice for ourselves and for my son who was still living at home and going to school at that time. We weren’t going to put ourselves or him through that, again!
At 38, she finally found an apartment of her own and has a wonderful psychiatrist who is helping her in every way possible to live as normal a life as possible. She takes her meds regularly and that is what is vital to her mental health.
She has always had our love and support, but we couldn’t be her physical caretakers anymore. She visits us and lives close to her sister and nephew (our grandson) so has family in the town where she lives. We talk on the phone several times a day and see each other when we can.
I am so happy for all of us and cherish our relationship. I try to ‘read’ what she says and how she sounds on the phone so I can encourage her to seek help if she seems to be having some ups and downs that require attention. If we listen to our kids, we can sense in some way when they need help even though we are in no way experts in the field of mental health.
I think that if we had let her come back to our house, she would not have decided that she needed help and her meds. It is up to the individual, somewhat, as to how he/she will live after that. I hope this helps you in some way to realize that you won’t be able to help your son until he decides he needs to get help and take his meds EVERYDAY.
God bless and good luck!
Betty
Hi Lin and Betty,
You 2 are the best! I should tell you I am working on some goals of my own to broaden my life. I am going to church again, starting an exercise class and trying to relocate for another job. I think if I have more of a life of my own, I won’t feel so alone and afraid.
When I said I know what’s coming, I meant that I will have to be away from my son. I have had him arrested for forgery ($8000) and he went to prison for that and 3 armed robberies. I have had the police out more times than I can remember. The last time they told me to leave because he was intoxicated and not safe to drive. They also told me they couldn’t make his girlfriend leave because since he receives his mail here it is his home too and she is his guest! I would like to have seen me tell my dad that one! My daughter kicked out a window and ran from him, drove to the police station and asked for help and they came out and told him to calm down, then told her to go to a friends for the night. He is on formal probation, I didn’t have any idea a person could behave this way. We live across the street from a detective and he has even driven him to a buddies house to keep him from going to jail. I don’t want him to go back to prison, I just want some peace and quiet and some sort of a normal life. I WILL have good things to write before long.
Hi, Suzanne!
Thanks for the compliment, but Lin is the expert, not me. I just like to help in some small way bysharing my experiences in a way that they will have a positive effect on someone else’s life and give them hope. I’ll be praying for you.
Betty
Betty, thank you for expressing your experiences with BiPolar and how it affects the entire family. I’m glad you are able to offer such information for those unaware of how difficult (if not devastating) dealing with BiPolar really is for so many people.
Suzanne, hang in there and you’re going to be just fine. It’s wonderful that you are taking steps to be free from the chaos going on in your life. We’re all thinking about you and praying for you that resolution is found and you can move on with your life not being afraid anymore. I know it’s hard, but you can do it just like other parents are doing it. Hang in there girl!
Hi girls and Merry Christmas! I am doing a lot better in some ways. When I look into the future I am seeing myself someplace new and alone and peaceful. It hasn’t happened yet but it’s going to. My son is in jail again. I believe he’s going to keep learning the HARD way and I’m powerless to stop it. My daughter is doing better and more respectful of my house and me as a person. Lot’s of work to still be done. I am starting with a counselor after the holidays and keeping 2 journals. One of $$ spent and what were the reasons and one of my feelings and goals. It is helping already. A friend (I’ve made a few) told me she had to put a piece of paper in the front of her checkbook – only MY bills – so I did it and I can’t tell you how many times I have not written that check! My daughter needed $120 to pay a traffic ticket, so I asked her if she wanted that to be her Christmas present. She said “Are you kidding”? I said “no, I’m not”. So I TOOK her to the clerks office, paid the ticket, kept the receipt and returned her Christmas gifts. That was a huge step for me. I usually give them a very nice xmas, so the only gifts under the tree are for my grandson, who’s almost 2. And I put a limit of $100 on him. I have even been telling his mom no to the babysitting every weekend. I love him but she was taking advantage too. So she was mad as heck when I said I was just too tired to chase after him and that I was going out for dinner with a few girlfriends for supper. And the best part is I don’t feel guilty!!! Thanks for listening. I am going to keep going.
Yeah Suzanne!!!!! Good for you!!!! Stopping the enabling is very freeing and it allows grown adult children to take care of their own choices, responsibilities and duties as adults should. Good for you!
I really like that idea of putting a note on your checkbook to help remind parents No More Money or paying bills/debts for adult children. Stop it, stop it, stop it.
I’m sooo happy for you Suzanne! Keep it up and before you know it, you’ll be happy as a lark without the stress and headaches that often come from enabling. Girls Night Out all the way!
Merry Christmas to you!
Hi Suzanne and Merry Christmas,
Didn’t have a chance to look at letters here until today. Now that Christmas has come and gone, will slow down for awhile.
I am very happy for you. You sound so positive and I just know that 2009 will be a great year for you!
Your family will get back on track as time goes by. I think they’ll love and respect you for what you had to do to make necessary changes in your life and theirs.
You will always be in our prayers.
Betty
Hi Betty,
Hope you are having a happy holiday season. I am in spite of the changes I am making. I am doing it on a day to day basis and it’s working. My kids made it through with no gifts! I told them I cannot afford to give all year, be lied to and stolen from and then give on Christmas like it’s all ok cause it’s not. And 2009 is going to be better. I just know it in my heart. Thanks for all your support.
Hi Suzanne, I’m thrilled your holidays are going well despite the struggles. Good for you for speaking up and letting the “kids” know their attitude and behaviors DO have consequences, including getting NO presents for Christmas.
2009 is going to be great for you, and a heck of a lot cheaper too.
Hi Suzanne,
I’m also happy for you and for what you have accomplished. Have a happy new year! Keep the faith, girl!
Hi Girls,
I think things are getting better and then the rug gets pulled out again. I thought I was gaining ground with my daughter, but last week I noticed an expensive coat I had gotten her after xmas – it was on sale for $100 – was no where to be found. When asked, she said it should be in my trunk. I figured the should be was a set up for a lie. (at least I’m seeing it) I waited until she went to bed and looked in the trunk and no coat. Also found an open container of Vodka. She screamed at me I had no right to look in the car, and it’s MY car she drives! She clains coat was stolen. Today I went to the store and there it was. Just to make sure I asked if they could check the sku # and see if a return had been done and they found the ticket with her name. She still insists she didn’t do it. Doesn’t know anything about it. And she has a boyfriend in jail and puts money (I have no idea where she gets it) on her phone daily so he can call. I know that’s what happened with the coat. She still denies it but said IF she did it’s none of my business because it was a gift. The fact she got into my purse for the receipt was none of my business either. I found sexual pics of this guy in the jail that she had taken at their visit. I can’t tell you how disappointed and sick that made me. You can imagine the fight we had tonight over that one. She said they are in love so it wasn’t disrespect, I invaded her privacy, am crazy, her sex life is her business and that I had no right to throw away a letter he sent her today. When I saw it in the mailbox, I didn’t read it, I pitched it. I told her she can get us both hurt with this man. I don’t want his mail coming to my house. He is a career criminal. I went to the jail and gave them the pics and hope he gets more charges, and she may as well. Then of course that will be my fault too. The deputy said he has been arrested 10 times and to be sure he will rob me at the very least. She said I lie to her daily which is ridiculous. I think she does this to take us off subject of her. She said she will never forgive me and wants nothing to do with me as a mother. I told her I love her but our lifestyles couldn’t be farther apart. I told her to get her own place as soon as she can AND make it close to a bus line as she won’t be taking my car. Then she stood there telling me I am useless, worthless, and she hopes I die tonight. She’s going to marry this guy and don’t worry cause when he get’s out I’ll never see her again. I said well that’s probably true because he will have you on the street. How do BOTH kids turn out this way? I am in a no win situation and feel sick every day. My faith is strong, but I feel God is not giving me any reason to keep trying with my kids. Maybe he’s telling me to give up on them and care about me. Am I still supposed to try and tell her right from wrong? The only one here who wants better is me. Any thoughts?
Hi Suzanne, your daughter’s response that “IF” she did it reminded me of O J Simpson’s book, so I couldn’t help but shake my head. Of course she did it, and of course she’s going to try and deflect any responsibility over to you with declarations of innocence. It’s all classic denials.
From the things she was saying, she sounds more like a rebellious teenager than an adult.
It’s not about “giving up” on your “kids”. They are adults, so it’s about learning what it means to ‘let go’ of them with the understanding that they will and DO make choices and decisions completely opposite of how they were raised, and some of those choices are not in their best interests at all.
Some people only learn the hard way, unfortunately. Some people disregard all the great advice and suggestions given throughout their lives and just do whatever they feel at the time, not thinking through the decision and eventually find themselves in the exact predicament others tried to warn them about.
You can’t control what she does, or the choices she makes for herself, good or bad. You can control you and your own life, and that’s all. That’s what you really need to focus your energies on now that your kids are grown. Focus on YOU and your own needs, not on them and their wants.
Yes, I know and I’m working on this as we speak. I saw my counselor today and I have a list of goals for only myself. She recommended the book I just ordered on setting boundaries so it must be a good one. I talked with my daughter after my session (she doesn’t know I’m going) and that to me she will always be my “kid” but she’s not a kid, she’s an adult. She has the right and the responsibility to make her own choices and decisions and along with that comes the consequences of herself. I asked her not to come to me needing money when she has chosen to put her wants before her needs. I feel totally different for some reason. It sounds crazy, but kind of like I needed permission to cut her loose. I still have a responsibility to myself too. And that’s going to be my priority. Something I have never done.
Hi, Suzanne!
So sorry you are still having difficulties with your daughter. It’s too bad she never grew up to take responsibility for her actions. I’m glad you are taking Lin’s advice. Please don’t give up.
It sounds like you are experiencing a cleansing of sorts. Not only have others given you permission to do what needs to be done for you and for your daughter, but it sounds like you have given yourself permission, too.
Just keep on praying and seeking counseling. You’ll make it.
Sure hope that when your daughter moves out, she will be able to become an independent person. Maybe she’ll find a job she likes and will build some self-confidence.
If she can do that, she may even find out that she doesn’t need her boyfriend or even wants him anymore.
We’re here for you!
I came to this site looking for advice on how to handle my “adult” (I use the term loosely) children. I sure found plenty of it. Compared to a lot of these stories, they’re saints. But it doesn’t change the fact that they are not stepping up to the plate and taking charge of their own lives. I can’t but think it’s my own fault, though, for not raising them to be more self-sufficient when they were younger. Their father was the same way, very needy, with a negative attitude, always blaming someone else for everything wrong in his life. I left him when my oldest son was 12 but I regret not doing it sooner and not cutting off all contact with him. Now I’m at a crossroads with these kids where I want to take care of me and they are getting in the way of that. I know I’m not doing any favors by “helping” them when they are perfectly capable of helping themselves. But I’m scared to death of what will happen if they get evicted and end up homeless. I’ve talked to a co-worker who had to “let go” of her alcoholic son and he ended up dead. Not very encouraging. Does anyone have a success story? I’m very discouraged by what I’ve read so far. How do you deal with the worry and the guilt?
Hi Allison,
You don’t mention how “adult” your kids are, so I have to assume they’re full grown adults, at the age where they should be taking care of themselves but aren’t.
I can’t tell you that parental concern and fears ever go away. They don’t. There ARE parents who have reported to me by personal email that they are no longer “enabling” their children and their kids are now doing for themselves and not asking for “help” with money or paying their bills and are living in their own place.
The “mother guilt” or parental “guilt” is by far the biggest problem for enablers. Parents play the “what if” game all the time, and allow those concerns to keep them guilted into continuing with the “help”. And you know what?, the kids know it too and they use it against parents, and parents fall for it hook, line and sinker.
Adult children are notorious for using their own children as pawns against grandparents who decide to stop enabling, with angry assertions that the enabling grandparents won’t be allowed to visit with the grandchildren until……money handouts return. Unfortunately, that parental guilt trip nonsense works on many parents.
What If your adult child is evicted from their home? Does that automatically mean they will be homeless and living on the streets or in a shelter? No. More often than not it means the adult children move in with a friend temporarily or they find an apartment they can legitimately afford on their own, and they actually begin to pay attention to being smart with their own money in order to have a place to live and food for themselves.
Is it hard to “let go”? Yes, especially when parents have spent the last 18, 20 + years doing most everything for their kids, and have to learn to recondition themselves to allow their kids to take over the very responsibilities the parents dealt with for so many years. Yes it’s hard, but it must be done for their own good, and yours.
The difficulty dealing with the guilt is the main reason why I’ve made sure to include information about various books on the subject of enabling and letting go, because reading stories from other parents in the same situation and how they Managed The Guilt rather than ignore the guilt or pretend the guilt doesn’t exists helps many parents who are struggling with this issue.
There are zero guarantees in this life, and there is no way to guarantee that your children or anyone else’s grown children won’t CHOOSE the road your co-worker’s son chose for himself. Alcoholism and Drug Addiction are just ONE component for some enablers, but not all.
Most of the parents I’ve heard from have grown children who are not on drugs and are not drinkers at all, but they do have the attitude of “Entitlement” so prevalent today. Parents are actually feeding into the entitlement epidemic each and every year, and entitled children and teenagers grow into entitled adults who continue to run to mommie and daddy for money and “help” to keep up with their extensive and growing Want List. It has to stop, and the only people who can or will put a stop to it are the parents who are enabling their children. Guilt or no guilt, it must be done.
Suzanne,
I’m glad that your counselor also recommended the book on Setting Boundaries, as it is Gold.
I’m sooo proud of you! This can be your New Year’s Resolution if you will, setting goals for yourself and I’m thrilled you’re doing so!
I can hardly wait to hear your very own success story! No more enabling but realizing your children are grown adults and they MUST learn the Natural Consequences of their own choices in life. Yeah for you Suzanne!
Lin and Betty,
Thanks for being there with the words of support, kindness, and wisdom. Setting home alone in the middle of the night second guessing myself is not how I want to spend this new year. I know there will be struggles, but anything I have ever done that had a reward wasn’t easy. My daughter and I actually had a civilized conversation today. She ASKED me to really be honest so I was. I told her I wasn’t worried about being her friend. I am her mother, her mom, I love her dearly, and I am through trying to make her live the life I think she should WANT to have. At this point we can choose to be part of each others’ lives and I am on a mission to have one. I told her nothing and no one can ever take away my love for her, not even her. But I am through with the roller coaster of hope that leads to pain and disappointment. Maybe one day we will be happy and close, but today we have extremely different lifestyles and as her mom I have to step away from her if we are to ever have any hope of rebuilding. I don’t have to accept everything she throws in my face. I think I shocked her when I told her that at 52 there isn’t anything she can do that hasn’t been before me, the difference is that I didn’t want to try everything this dirty world had to throw my way. Nor do I intend to experience it all through her! I told her her threats and manipulation are not going to work anymore because I am happy to know that she doesn’t need my advice or concern. I refuse to lay awake worried to death while she parties until dawn, sleeps all day while I’m working, keep trying to tell her the life she could have, and fight to save her from herself. I told her I have invested 20 years of my life to give her every advantage I never had and in the process lost myself, lost thousands of dollars, and have a spoiled rotten brat for a daughter so I quit. Have it your way. But I love you. Everything else is optional. She really didn’t have a response. I felt like a dead weight was off my neck! I never raised my voice, didn’t let her push any buttons, and where it goes from here is up to her. I also told her that my mom once told me “you’ll need me before I need you” and did I ever!! Until then I am going to work on me and pray for her and my son every day.
Suzanne, all I can say is Good for you! You kept your cool but laid it all out for her clearly, with no room for misinterpretation whatsoever. Hopefully she’ll do some serious thinking and realize it’s time to act her age and grow up once and for all. Good for you!
I wonder if the asking for $ will ever stop? I know I am partly to blame because I said yes for so long. Today my daughter asked if she could borrow some money for gas until next Friday. Mind you I lost my job the week before x-mas. I said I thought you had $75? She said yeah but I had to put minutes on my cell phone so Melvin could call.(he’s the boyfriend in jail) I signed up for a Tai Chi class earlier today so she said YOU had $ for THAT and can’t loan “your own daughter” gas money? It didn’t work. I am getting smarter – yeah! She left mad and for some reason I laughed like a fool afterward.
Hi Suzanne, I’m laughing myself right now. That was a nice try on her part but no cigar. She’s testing the waters to see if you really, really mean what you say. She will most likely continue to test you awhile longer, and don’t be surprised if each attempt has added “emergency” drama to the mix as well. She had money to allow her jailbird boyfriend to call her, but now she expects mom to give her the money she needs for necessities like gas for her car. That’s too funny! Good for you Suzanne! You’re really getting good at this! Crank up the music and do some dancing just for the fun of it!
Thanks Lin,
I feel good, na na na na na, I knew that I would, na na na na na na and so on!!
Hi Lin and Suzanne,
It still amazes me how much energy kids expend in negative ways, and how much better off they would be if they put that energy into working and being mature individuals! What a waste!
Suzanne,
Sure glad you were able to blow off the attempted guilt trip and just say NO. Won’t they ever learn? Oh well, at least you got a good laugh out of it.
Yes, I did! Again today, and Lin was right. More urgency. I still said no. This is not going to be easy. Say a prayer for me. Thanks.
Well, another victory for my side. You were right, Lin. More urgency. If I don’t give her the $ for a class on shoplifting and gas $ to the probation officer the next day she could go to jail!!!! Gee, that’s what happens when you steal. Mind you she gets paid the day before the class and she can’t afford it? She will need it for “important” things like cigarettes and jailbirds phone calls. I said, “that’s all more important to you than a legal issue?” and walked away shaking my head. No screaming or arguing. It worked! I am on the way to have brakes put on MY car which a couple of months ago I would have put off to HELP her. Boy, what was I thinking? I am worried about what could happen if she doesn’t go to the class, but I am more worried about what will happen if I continue to enable her, so I am taking it one fiasco at a time. I have a friend who just screamed at me that this is my daughter and what is wrong with me. She thinks I should pay for this and then quit. I think I should stick to my guns.
Suzanne, you are doing incredibly well! Good for you! Ignore those “well intentioned” friends who think you’ve gone nuts. You’ve just gone SMART! LOL Keep on saying No and let her deal with what she brings on herself. It’s all about choices and priorities. Clap and hands and shout! Yippppeeeeeeee Suzanne!!!!!
Thanks Lin,
I kept my counseling appt today, it’s helping. Positive re-enforcement is such a motivator. When I got home my daughter let me have it! I should be GRATEFUL she even got a job. The fact I am having to pay the student loans I co-signed after she dropped out shouldn’t matter because I’m her mother and that I need to learn to let go of the past. Well, the $150 a month is in the present for the next couple of years and I already paid $11k this past year. But, it shouldn’t matter? I didn’t take the bait. I told her to turn that manipulation right back around and asked her how she could take advantage of me the way she has because she’s my daughter and I expected so much more out of her. I let her cool off and was writing in my journal when she asked what crack-pot ideas my shrink came up with today. I told her she wants me to write down why “I would want to be friends with you now that you are all grown up. What is it I respect about you”. She burst into tears and stomped off to work. I guess that one struck a nerve. One day more.
Lin and Betty,
I just wanted to say thanks and that things are going better. I am taking back control of myself but it is an ongoing daily process. Working with my counselor is helping alot. I have learned I don’t have to keep explaining my reasoning for my decisions nor understand why my kids have chosen to live the way they do. I just finished reading “Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You” and it is a real eye opener. I would recommend it for anyone dealing with manipulation whether the child is involved with drugs or not. The money goes out either way. I have been practicing the neatest little trick (from the book) and thought I would share it. You take a piece of paper at the beginning of each day and draw a line down the middle. On one side is my name. On the other side I put my kids’ names and their ages. Every time one of them asks for money or has a mess, I write it behind their name. If I disagree with an act or decision or see when they are clearly chosing to do wrong I write that behind their name too. This is so simple but helps to detach from the problem and see that a lot of what I am trying to fix is NONE of my business. I want to be a good parent and it feels surprisingly good to ask “what do you think you should do?” and even “I don’t know”. Handing over money and knowing nothing is solved feels worse. It’s definitely not easy to see your kids do without or have legal issues, but mine are not learning from their mistakes by me trying to “fix” everything.
Just thought this might help someone else.
Suzanne, I’m thrilled to hear that things are going much better for you. Thank you for telling us about the book “Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You”, as I’ve not heard of that book. The technique you are using sounds wonderful, as it helps parents separate themselves and parenting roles from the choices and decisions that grown adult children make for themselves and that parents have no control over. It must feel great to see the benefits of allowing grown children deal with their own self-made messes rather than the “guilt” so many parents dump on themselves trying to “help” their kids over and over again by enabling kids that should and need to be doing for themselves. The natural consequences of personal choice can sometimes be tough to understand when it comes to adult children making stupid choices, but the benefits of allowing kids to learn how to be an adult once and for all has long lasting effects. Congrats!
Hi, Suzanne!
It’s been awhile since I last wrote anything here, but I have still followed everyone and how they are doing. You are making a lot of progress! Good for you!
I’ll have to try the list as you described (and TRY to get my husband to do the same). I have only one offspring who is angry with me right now. She doesn’t believe me when I try to tell her how much money I have given her even though I kept a running total of it. (To be fair, part of it was a share in my inheritance from my father that was given freely.) I just say NO and she doesn’t like it. I try not to get into an argument with her by only talking to her/seeing her once a week or so. It does no good to try to communicate much. She doesn’t see how her behavior affects our relationship and her relationship with her sister. We are wrong and she is right!
My husband’s sons are an ongoing problem since they are still not working so it makes it difficult for our relationship because my husband is a big time enabler. His younger son did finally finish college this month (9-1/2 yrs of attending full time.), and the other one was let go from yet another job last year. The economy doesn’t help, but his sons are 38 and 46 years of age so should have been into some sort of fairly stable career by now. The older one has trouble staying on a job for very long – either quits or is let go, and the younger one took such a long time to finish school that I think he missed the boat. He didn’t study much for the first four or five years so was back and forth between community college and two four year colleges because of a low GPA. We will never be paid back for $18,000 in credit card debt that was incurred by the older one when he was fired from yet another job in 2003 and was too “depressed” to work for an entire year. (My husband used the tax money we owed that year to pay the debt so we were late with our taxes!) His older son also did not pay rent to us for four years so we are out that, too. The younger one spends money like it’s his so we won’t see any of the extra he spent because he wasted it on fun instead of on living expenses. I thought we were home free now, but they are both back asking for more help. My husband doesn’t know how to say NO so here we go again. If we were working, it would be easier for us, but we are both on limited incomes so it makes it very difficult to do anything extra like give money away!
Didn’t mean to go on for so long, but I’m very frustrated. This is NOT how I want to feel anymore. If I say anything (no matter how I say it) my husband is very defensive and has all sorts of excuses about why his sons aren’t working and acting responsibly. It isn’t ever their fault. Guess he needs a wake up call.
Hi Betty,
These articles about helping vs. enabling get so many visitors every day, it’s incredible to me how widespread the problem is, not only in this country but other countries as well. Most read the articles and leave, while others email me directly with their specific problem asking for my advice. By far, the biggest problem most people have is similar to your situation, where you want the enabling to stop, but your spouse sees nothing wrong with enabling his grown, adult children.
Most of the emails I receive about enabling adult children are amongst step families or “blended families”, where the step parent sees the reality of what is going on but is told or made to feel that they have no right to say anything about how things are being handled by the biological parent. Ouch.
Several women (step mothers to these “kids”) made the final decision that the enabling got so bad that it became what I refer to as a Relationship Deal Breaker, and the ladies filed for and got a divorce. I’m not suggesting or recommending that you get a divorce at all; that’s not up to me to say. It was obvious that these women felt as though their marriage was a farce, where they were expected to “put up or shut up” in regards to how things were being handled in the family they married into, rather than having an active say in what would or would not go on in their marriage and family situation. Some had been married for upwards of 20+ years, while others had been married less than 10 years. What didn’t surprise me at all was the fact that these ladies would describe other aspects of their marriage, separate and apart from the enabling issues, and on their own came to the decision that their marriage really wasn’t a healthy, happy marriage after all and they wanted out for a variety of other reasons besides the enabling that was causing so much friction and financial stress.
I’m not sure what the “wake up call” you referred to will be in your situation with your enabler husband. From what I’ve heard from people dealing with these situations, most often the wake up call comes far too late and the marriage is destroyed, married couples are having to file for bankruptcy, have nothing left in savings or in their retirement account and are actually finding themselves needing financial help from the very children that were being enabled in the first place. And being turned down for such requests for help. Yep, turned down, even when these “kids” have the financial means and ability to help their parents after being “helped” themselves for so many years.
Hi Lin.
Thanks for your very welcome comments. I wish my husband would only try to understand that he has sons who could have been very successful if he and his ex-wife had only done their jobs in getting their sons ready to leave the nest and be independent. His sons aren’t mean, just immature and unsuccessful at this point. They did learn how to manipulate since their mother taught them how to do it after she left the family to pursue her own life years ago. She must have been very angry to do that to her sons and their father. I am sure she is responsible for their going to dad whenever they need help. They are so used to asking that they don’t seem to realize they need to learn not to ask and rely on themselves for their immediate and future needs. I think the heavy guilt trip laid on my husband by his ex and, later, his sons is the primary reason he is still enabling them.
The older son is a dreamer so isn’t practical about his choice of careers. His career opportunities are very limited and since he does not have a degree, he probably won’t be hired anytime soon since there is so much downsizing in his field.
The younger son obviously took too long to finish school and his field of work is also seeing a significant downsizing. He has no experience so it may be very difficult to be hired anytime soon.
Anyway, I am not usually a quitter, but I will if I see no progress in the next several months. I have a lot invested in this marriage (24+ years) and I really do love my husband so I don’t want to do something I may regret later. We’ll see.
Thanks, again for your help.
Hi Betty,
Sorry you and your daughter are having troubles. I know just how you feel. I hate it when mine is mad at me and think about how short life is and will we ever be close but I can’t fix it all by myself. I had to ask myself today if her not speaking to me because I denied her money isn’t better than giving her some and then hating myself later. I think it is. She’d be mad about something anyway. So I’ll keep my purse closed.
Your husband should read the book I mentioned. I got it from amazon.com and it was only $10. Free shipping. The author’s kids were addicts and I can hear your husband saying “but mine are good boys” but they are still manipulating him because he loves them and it’s emotional blackmail.
One thing I learned in counseling this week is most enablers have low self-esteem and are afraid if they tell a loved one “no” there goes the relationship because it’s not built on love, it is built on “what you can do for me” so maybe he’s scared the boys will not need him if he’s not fixing things. Just a thought. I feel for you. Not just the kids, but him too. Have you told him you do not want to support 2 grown men’s lifestyles? I know I am 52 and there is not going to be anyone there to take care of me. He could always tell them he needs to put you first as you are getting older and he has a responsibility to you too. I will be praying for you Betty. Try the black marker trick. I used it 3 times today and it worked every time.
Just checking back, I have had you, Betty on my mind today. I only have myself to worry about being the enabler. It must be doubly difficult to see it in someone you love like you do your husband and I’m sure also his kids.
I do believe it can be too late, contrary to some well intentioned friends who say the opposite. Too late for the adult kids to take care of themselves and too late for seniors to re-make the thousands of dollars shelled out to them.
I attended an abused women’s shelter’s class today and one woman was in hiding from her 34 year old son after several beatings because she finally ran out of money. She told how she started “helping” him in junior high school when he got into trouble stealing. She paid stores and then court fines instead of letting him go to jail for fear of what would happen to him. She said she has spent over $100k in the last 5 years! Now she has lost her home and is in a shelter afraid for her life. Definitely one of the saddest women I have ever met. She kept asking “how could he do this to me after all I’ve done for him”? The ending was the group leader told her she had esentially taught him how to treat her, that she had no value for herself but now she has the power to change the rest of her life. She said these relationships are based on need, he needs money and she needs to be needed. Nowhere is there love and respect. We all got a book on enabling and I’m already half done reading it. It’s like I’m reading a print out of my life!
I am making a commitment to stop the way I have been trying to fund my kids lives and let them learn to live on their own before it’s too late for all 3 of us. I wish you much success with your daughter and your step-sons. Remember, all it takes is for 1 of you to change and the dynamic of the whole family will change. If you stop enabling, your husband will know it and hopefully take your ques and if he doesn’t you will still be stronger.
Betty,
Don’t blame your husband’s enabling behavior on his ex-wife. She left years ago and maybe she was a manipulater, but it’s Dad who taught these kids how to get what they want out of him. If it didn’t work,they wouldn’t do it. When you lay the blame on the ex, you’re enabling his enabling behavior by making excuses for it. The kids didn’t make Dad an enabler. Dad did.
I would love to blame everything that’s wrong with my kids on their father. He has lots of issues and I enabled him for years before I got sick of it and left. I’m sure that has influenced them. But I taught them that they could walk all over me and be irresponsible. I have to face the hard facts and take responsibility for my enabling behavior if I want to change anything. I refuse to feel guilty about it though as that will only make me feel worse. So do what you have to do and don’t feel bad about it or make excuses for anyone, including yourself.
Hi, Allison,
I understand what you are saying. My husband is a big time enabler, and I do blame him for his part in not letting his sons grow up, but I have seen the influence his ex has on their sons, as well. She has had a negative influence on her sons by making snide remarks (in front of me) about my husband which did result in some disrespectful behavior on their part because they think she can do no wrong. She was also very unhappy with me when her ex and I got married because her midnight calls for him to rescue her came to a screeching halt. (I think my husband thought everything was his fault for her leaving so thought he needed to help her.) His ex also came over to our (her old) house while we were at work to see her younger son and would go through the living room and dining room taking in such changes as my antiques being there(as told to me by our granny caregiver), and made remarks about the antiques that she had to sell being just like mine. It was spooky. Believe me, I would never make up anything like that!
We have talked about counseling and I think that with the right person, we may be able to make some progress. If not, THEN I will have to decide how much I am willing to take.
To Betty:
24 years? My God, I think you’ve had some influence on your stepsons’ lives. Hang in there for them. Surely you must love them. I’m the originator of this topic and my husband and I don’t even talk about it anymore. Oh, it’s there!!! The 800 lb gorilla in the room, but we tip toe around it; His son and “now wife” have moved on, he visits them every day, doles them out money, and SHE’S PREGNANT, so I know that I will definitely come last in this story.
I’m just setting my self up for my next life and I’ve given up on this one.
Ironically, the daughter who first called me racist names and pulled my hair out is back in town, and we get along just fine.
Ladies, I think it is amazing how you all are rallying around each other to support and encourage each other. It’s wonderful!
One thing I wanted to mention.. When you leave a comment, if you don’t have a website or blog, you don’t need to put anything into the “url” spot where its asked for. If you put your email address there or something like “yahoo dot com”, it makes it appear as though you have a website that someone can click on the link that is created, but of course there isn’t one so people that click on it get “this page cannot be displayed”. So, if you don’t have a website or blog, please don’t put anything in the “url” location cuz I have to go in and edit it back out. Thanks!
Betty,
Hang in there and don’t be afraid to believe in yourself. You are on the right track.
Those “boys” are grown now and the way they continue to use you and your husband may have started out because of the ex-wife and your husbands guilty conscience, but the way they behave now is their own choice. They know EXACTLY what they are doing to both of you! And they do not care! Once you accept that hard truth and realize you don’t have to explain yourself they won’t be able to take advantage of you.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but the past 24 years of life are a good predictor of the future. You cannot afford to wait and see what your husband is going to do. You already know. Somehow you have got to get help. Please don’t put it off. You and Lin encouraged me and I will be etenally grateful to 2 women I have never met and you both changed my perspective and my life. You are much stronger than you know.
Hi Betty,
Haven’t heard from you for a couple of weeks and I hope things are going in a positive direction for you and your family.
My situation is slowly getting better and I know it’s because I’m saying “no” to the demands for money. That is also making it easier to say “no” to other requests that they (my kids) can and should be doing for themselves. I have started to see the manipulation and now that I am I resent them for taking advantage of me emotionally and basically using my desire for them to do well against me. But I am sticking with my counseling and she told me today that sometimes parents just need to get out of the way so the kids can live their own lives. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach but that’s what I’m trying to do. I know they will be better for it. Anyway, I was thinking of you and said a prayer for you today.
Hi Suzanne,
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it very much.
Have been busy with family lately. Husband’s older son and his mom were in the area visiting and his son stayed with us for a couple of days.
I think I finally realize that his son is totally unsure of himself and has to try to take control of situations and promote himself to feel important. Actually, I think both of their sons have the same problem. It must have been a big blow to their self-esteem when their mom left. They probably thought she left them, too.
Well, that was a long time ago, and now it’s time to get on with life and do something for themselves. It is another illustration of how parents have to let go and their kids have to do the leaving! No manipulation from them. No giving them what they can get for themselves. No one said it would be easy, but it’s the right thing to do. Saying ‘no’ is not pleasant, but we have to say it if we love our kids.
I had a boss years ago who had phone calls from her kids almost daily. They couldn’t make a move without calling her. I would hear her telling them what they should do and they were all adults! She was in control and her kids were handicapped because of it. The best thing she could have done for her kids would have been to listen, offer advice IF THEY ASKED FOR IT, and then let them figure it out for themselves.
I’m glad your counselor is giving you such great suggestions and help. You are learning so much that other parents have not even started to learn! What an accomplishment! I hope you are proud of yourself.
It isn’t easy to be consistent with our kids. If it doesn’t start when they are toddlers, it is difficult to do when they are older and can push our buttons so easily. Ouch! It sure makes life more difficult.
Please take care of yourself. So happy to know how well you’re doing.
I’m trying to do the same. Not easy, but we’ll make it. I think it may just get better, after all. My suggestions aren’t falling on deaf ears lately.
Hi Betty,
I’m so happy to hear your suggestions are being taken seriously and you sound so much more enthused and positive! I know it WILL get better for you and your family soon too.
It’s so hard on the kids when parents separate. It seems to always create feelings of low self-esteem for the kids and the parent that does the on the job parenting has to keep a tight rope on so many things it’s easy to give to much.
I am proud of myself for finally accepting responsibility for the damage I’ve done to my kids and apologizing to them and getting out of the way of their consequences. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I think I thought they couldn’t live without me. Someday they will have to so at least I started. There is a lot of tension between my daughter and I, but hopefully it will be worth it. Keep in touch. God bless.
Hello Lin and Betty,
I am doing well working on not enabling. Since reading several good books on the subject I am able to recognize the bait coming my way to the “help” they can certainly do for themselves. I also joined a support group for moms like myself and found there are many more in worse predicaments than I. My daughter has gotten a job and has been to a couple of college campuses (although she has not shared that with me yet). I am surprised at how much easier it has gotten to say “no” to the requests for money. I don’t feel guilty. I feel angered that I was taken advantage of because I wanted my kids to have what I didn’t. It was rewarding to see my daughter’s joy when she got a paycheck. I know I have a long way to go, but I at least have more knowledge and my daughter and I are having some serious communication about mistakes we have both made. I am still going to counseling and that has been a big help. I hope all is well with both of you.
Hi Suzanne,
I’m glad to hear things are going better for you. Stopping the enabling is challenging, but doable. The rewards for yourself and your daughter will become more and more clear as time goes by. It’s wonderful that your daughter has been checking out colleges, and that she’s gotten a job! Yeah!
Saying No (and meaning No), without feeling the “mommie guilt” is a huge step! Congratulations! Stepping back and allowing your daughter to make her future for herself is a great thing! Counseling has many benefits, and I’m glad that it’s been helping you; and that you and your daughter are able to communicate better.
You’re doing a great job! Keep it up!
Hi Suzanne!
I am so happy for you. You are doing very well! It sounds like you and your daughter have come a long way. The respect you have for yourself and the respect your daughter will have for you (if she doesn’t already have it) will keep both of you in touch with each other. You are often in my thoughts and prayers even though I haven’t been writing for awhile. Best to you and your family.
Hi Lin,
I have been reading the articles and comments on your site now for several weeks. First, let me tell you that this site has been great help to me in formulating how to address the issues I know I will have to face. My wife and I have a situation similar to the others in that our 24 year old son is not getting on with his life.
We paid his way through college (he graduated this past December) and he is now in his job search period. While he held several part time jobs during his college years, he almost never used this money to help out. We know we have enabled him, but we still gave him some time to look for a decent position somewhere, but he is not working right now (it’s been 3 months). It has become apparent that he has been using this situation to delay taking a job or working in favor of finding the “Perfect Job” for himself. We have told him that the funding is being cut off, effective immediately. We still have an obligation on his apartment’s lease so we will continue to pay that, but if the lights go out, tough. We know he is in denial, because he has told other relatives nearby that he thinks it is an April fools joke.
My questions are we doing enough (probably not) to force the issue and what other things can we do in communicating to our son that tough love is here? We expect the begging and pleading to begin soon. What advise do you have for us to respond?
Thanks,
David
Hi David,
I’m glad to hear the articles have been helpful to you and your wife. Since you’ve already read the other “enabling” articles and comments, I won’t rehash stuff. Probably your biggest challenge will be when (not if) your son unleashes the guilt trips and whining, complaining that you’re both so “mean” etc. Trust me, it’s coming and whatever he says/does will be hard to take emotionally. Both you and your wife really have to be united on this, because your son knows both of you and knows which of you is the “easy target” – which one is more apt to give in and crumble under the pressure. Both of you have to be really steadfast, tough, strong and unwavering in your resolve to stop this. If your son sees your wife as more of a ‘softie’, she really has to get tough inside of herself and stop any attempts to get under her skin with guilt trips. Some parents I’ve heard from through email turn the tables on guilt trips and accusations with quick “comebacks” like, Are you trying to make us feel guilty?
You’ve already told your son the enabling/money is being cut off and he’s got to get a job and get on with his life financially etc etc. Good. Make absolutely sure you have yourselves covered legally with the lease and any/all utility bills, car insurance etc. I’ve heard that apartment leases often have something stated about the requirement for utilities to be on and working, so make sure about that so you’re not penalized by the apartment complex until the last day of the lease. Then, what happens once the lease date is up? Does it automatically go month-to-month and you’re still liable for the rent?
Make sure with the apartment complex that once the lease is up, your son will have to get a new lease without your name(s) on the lease, but where he’s the signee on his own. Get it in writing rather than just calling the complex and talking to someone there. Protect your liabilities. I’ve heard that some “kids” tear up apartments out of spite towards their parents when they stop paying, because the kid isn’t legally liable for the lease/money/deposit etc. Even some “good kids” who were on the lease too tore the place up inside with a “I don’t care” attitude and didn’t care that it affected their own credit and their parent’s credit. Protect yourselves.
You don’t want him to be able to just move back in with you two, even without asking. You might want to change the locks on YOUR place, so anytime he comes over, he needs to come only when you’re home and has to knock etc. Some kids do very strange things in an angry state. If your son goes on a rant, verbally attacking either of you over the phone etc, prepare yourselves now to talk over him if necessary that when he’s ready to talk calmly and rationally and with respect to call you back. Then tell him you’re hanging up and then do so. It’s tough and emotionally challenging and stressful, so you both really have to prepare yourselves for the onslaught that is almost inevitable. Good luck! Let me know if you have anymore questions or need more suggestions.
Lin,
Thank you. Your advice about the rent lease issue was great. We were going to contact the rental office and speak with a manager (our son makes the payments from the funds we put in his account and we want to make them directly ourselves for control). Now we are armed with some very good questions to ask. I also have my name on his checking account to view transactions and easy transfer funds from our account (it’s not a joint account). Still I will need to confirm with the bank to make sure we are not liable and get my name off.
It’s going to be difficult and both my wife and I trade places being the weaker one. She’s the strongest right now. We are talking this one through. Wild cards are our family which lives close by to him (we live overseas). We are fearful he will turn to them and they will fall into the trap. We will warn them of what is coming and, hopefully, they will stand tall too.
I have not given you all the background details to this story and you are only hearing “the tip of the iceberg” so to speak. It’s going to be tough, because like all the others posting here, we do love him so. There are so many enablers in our family and so many of our friends are doing the same thing with their adult or college aged children. I wonder what is going to come of this country.
Best Regards,
David
Hi David,
When I read the part in your message where you say your name is on your son’s checking account, my heart started beating a little faster. Suzanne responded with exactly what I was thinking, thank you Sue!
Banks want their money, however they can get it (legally), and they will do just about anything they feel is necessary to get their money recouped. I could tell you horror stories of parents who discovered the hard way how banks can/will/do recoup money from a parents acct. The pesky fine print can and often does get parents in deep trouble financially. Yikes!
The subject of college is definitely a hot button issue for many. I’m actually working on a new article/post on the subject of parents paying for college (all or in part) and how sooooo many parents are using their savings and retirement accounts to pay for their kids to attend college.
Fortunately, there is a lot of great info “out there” on the importance of college kids actually having at least SOME responsibility financially in their own college education, and the reasons why. Hang in there! You’re going in the right direction.
Hi Lin,
You can see my note to Suzanne below about my shared account mess with my son. I hope to work this out somehow.
Regarding college, I was scripted by my parents that college was a must and to pull out all stops to get my children through school. I took this a little too far in that I basically supplied everything for my youngest son (my oldest didn’t have it quite so good and he is doing well right now – should have learned, but they are completely different young men). For me the cost was not too great in that my son went to JC which was easy to pay out of pocket; university for only 2 1/2 years. We were fortunate in that my job has paid well and I was able to “pay as we go” with our son’s room, board and school. Many of our relatives have not had it as easy and are deeply in debt. In some ways it is the same story with their adult children. Several will or have moved back home after school and a few are still attached financially many years after graduating. Many of our friends are also in the same boat with their adult children. It is almost as if this situation has been become norm in today’s society. It’s a real problem, and there is underlying peer pressure to conform.
David
Hi David,
Kids getting a good education is definitely important. We, as parents, move mountains as our kids grow up to do what is necessary to make sure our kids get a good education starting with elementary school all the way through high school to graduation. Then what? Kids expect parents will pay ALL the costs for them to attend college, with little or no personal financial contribution towards their education themselves. Kids who have no “skin in the game” and don’t at least pay for part of their own college education have been shown to have or develop a sense of entitlement, and feel it’s perfectly fine for them to spend their parents money on a variety of things (partying is just one of them) that wasn’t part of the arrangement. Here is my article about paying for college and the question of should parents pay for all college costs. I provided quite a few links to other “college” related articles in my article, including one on a education site that suggests manipulative tactics kids are told to use on their parents, to “guilt” them into paying for everything pertaining to college. Yikes. In my opinion, entitlement issues started becoming a problem during/after the depression, when parents started saying things like “I want my kids to have more than I did” and similar quotes.
Hang in there David, and keep working towards getting out from underneath your son’s bills and responsibilities. The idea so many “kids” have that they need to hold out for the perfect job sounds exactly like a Dr. Phil program I saw on tv the other day. Except this guy was well into his 40′s, if not 50′s. Ugh.
Hello David,
I too have been where you are and it’s a tough place to be. Lin has great advice. One thing I know for sure and found out the hard way is that if you have your name anywhere on his bank account you can be held liable for the funds whether it’s a joint account or not. There’s fine print that says the bank has the right to go into any account with your name on it to recoup their money. Cd’s, savings, or checking.
When you’re ready to let him be a man, you won’t have your name on his things. That sends the message “you’re not capable”. My son and I are in counseling and I am thankful I’m not crippling him anymore. We do everything for our kids and then wonder why they are like they are. It’s us not them.
The hardest thing to do is let the kids fall on their face but I have learned the more responsibility you take for your son’s life the less he will. Let go of everything except love. He’s stronger than you think. I would also bet money he knows your next move before you do. Good luck.
Hi Suzanne,
Thanks for the advice. I am in a mess with trying to de-tangle from my son’s account. Either he or myself has to take my name off, in person at a bank branch. I am not sure how willing he will be to do this himself at this juncture. I am in Bangkok and will not be back in the States until July. The apt lease is another issue – trying to make the payment myself so I gain control of this again with the money trail. The lease ends in July.
The hardest thing our son is facing is the attitude that he is above the so called lower level work and needs to continue the search until he finds the position commensurate to his “lofty” college education. In this job environment it will never happen (unless he finds a great network connection – doesn’t exist and I can not help through my corporate position). My wife and I have told him to just land a 40 hr/week job anywhere first (He has never put a 40 hr week in his life). He is slowly coming around. We hope to push the issue a little more.
David
Hi, David. It looks like you’re getting some really great ideas/suggestions from Lin and Suzanne.
My two cents worth is to not let this situation come between you and your wife. You have many years left with her and they should be good years. Neither of you should have to deal with “kid problems” forever. Someday, you will retire and have earned the right to relax and enjoy life. If your son doesn’t get his act together, you will be facing the situation I have with my husband’s sons.
You have probably seen my many comments regarding how my husband is being manipulated by both of his non-working sons. This should not happen to any parent! A helping hand is good when needed, but not for life! I wish I could get through to my husband before this situation results in divorce. Our situation with his sons is never ending.
You may not have to worry as much since you are your son’s biological parents. At least you each have an equal interest in him. I don’t have the patience or desire to deal with step-sons who are lazy.
Anyway, good luck! At least you may be making some progress now.
Hi Lin!
I can’t thank you enough for what you do for all of us! Each time I read your words of advice, letters from other parents/family members, or your articles, I learn so much. I have learned from people who have given all of us the benefit of their experience and how they have dealt with their families either on their own or after they have written to you and have read your words of wisdom!
I guess the most important part is that we’re not alone. We have each other! We don’t have to feel inadequate because of our mistakes. We don’t have to feel guilty about our feelings of resentment at times, toward our families, even though we are the ones who let them grow up thinking they are entitled to more than they are willing to work for in life. In other words, we have spoiled them which has resulted in their believing they are going to have what they want without having to sacrifice for it or having to work hard to achieve it.
Hi Betty!
Thank YOU and other parents who are struggling with enabling their grown children for opening your minds and hearts to seeing the reality of the situation, and making the necessary changes to put a stop to the enabling. It’s hard, it’s frustrating, it’s financially burdensome and it’s wrecking marriages across the country. I’ve lost count of the number of parents who have emailed me privately rather than leaving a public comment, who are struggling with enabling their grown kids and grown step children. Many many parents are going through the same problems with their grown kids, and it’s heartbreaking to read the stories about how the enabling of the biological parent is destroying the marriage amongst step families/blended families as well.
Any parent, sibling etc who are dealing with the issues of enabling grown children are welcome to use the comment section on this site to vent, discuss, ask advice of what to do to stop enabling. OR, as has been the case many many times, parents can email me privately through the Contact Me link at the top of the home page of this site to keep the discussion private. It is helpful for others dealing with the problems of enabling to be able to read other people’s stories in the comment section of these articles, because it really helps them recognize their own enabling behaviors and how important it is to stop now – for their own good and the good of their “kids”.
Hang in there parents, stopping the enabling can and needs to be done.
But here is where it becomes hard for me to “draw the line”. What do you do when there are small grandchildren involved? Daughter calls and says “we have no groceries or diapers”…that REALLY pulls on your heartstrings. How do you say NO to that? I NEED SERIOUS ADVICE HERE!!!
Hi Carol,
It is especially hard to stop enabling when there are grandchildren involved. More often than not (based on messages and emails I receive here) the adult parents DO (or DID) have money to buy the necessities but chose to blow it on other things…KNOWING ahead of time that they have the bank of mom or dad or grandma or grandpa to fill the void. It’s classic behavior on the part of the so-called “kids” to pull this nonsense on the parents.
When the answer they’re given is No, often what comes next is being cussed out, told they’re not going to be allowed to see the grandchildren, phone calls/emails etc receive no reply, etc. It goes on and on, back and forth, with the hope that the manipulation will work and the parents will come forward with the requested money “help”.
Parents of these so-called adult kids have to be very careful not to allow emotion to dictate what they will or won’t do. But, the grown kids knowingly use emotional situations and attachments (grandchildren) to get what they want. Over and over and over again, and it works.
You have to say No. You can help to ensure the grandchildren are taken care of and are safe, but parents have to say no to the enabling of their grown children, or it will never ever stop. Keep working on it, you will be much better off when you have made your boundaries with your grown kids and they completely understand you won’t be manipulated.
Trust me Carol,it won’t get better if you don’t start doing something different. Maybe threatening her with being an unfit mother would wake her up. The thing is you also have to be in a position to act on it or she will call your bluff.
I heard once that we teach people how to treat us; so true.
Hi Carol,
I know it’s tougher than words when your grandkids are in the mess. If your daughter can use emotional blackmail to get $$$ it will never end. I’ve stood firm on that one and it’s not easy. You will still worry and second guess yourself whether you give her money or not. Last winter my son’s ex and mother of my grandson called screaming and crying she had no heat and no food. I told her I’d call her back so I’d have time to think and not react out of emotion. I told her not to worry, I was sure she’d figure things out and I was on the way to get the baby so he’d be safe in the meantime. She was silent and her boyfriend cussed me out but I kept my money in my pocket. The next morning I called and asked if I could take her to the trustee’s office, a church food bank, the welfare office. Cussed again. But really, I don’t know if she had heat or food or just wanted to get high and me pick up the tab! She lives with a druggie and they have more money to burn than I have to live on! Just my experience but I know if I did it once it would never stop. I’ve been in counseling for 2 years and I still have a sign on my checkbook to remind me that giving my kids money is keeping them from achieving adulthood and self-respect. It’s a tough road. Good luck.
Hi Suzanne,
I’m so happy you are remaining strong and not allowing emotional blackmail to cause you to enable your grown children. Good job! Your comment reminded me of a brief story someone shared with me the other day, and I’d like to share it with you and the others here. It’s called the The Story of the Butterfly, and it goes like this:
“A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.
One day a small opening appeared.
He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours,
as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole.
Then it stopped, as if it couldn’t go further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon.
The butterfly emerged easily but it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch it,
expecting that at any minute the wings would enlarge
and expand enough to support the body, Neither happened!
In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around.
It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand:
The restricting cocoon and the struggle required by the butterfly
to get through the opening was a way of forcing the fluid from the body
into the wings so that it would be ready for flight once that was achieved.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives.
Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.
We will not be as strong as we could have been and we would never fly.”
It has a lot of meaning to it in various aspects of people’s lives, including the issue of enabling kids rather than helping kids.
Hi Lin!
That is a wonderful story! I’m printing it off to add to things I keep to remind me to stay on track. You have been such a help and source of strength in my efforts to improve my family’s lives. It has been a struggle but now looking back I see where I made so many mistakes. Kids need to struggle in order to appreciate the value of things just like toddlers need rules to feel safe. I have actually had to tell myself to think back to when I put them in time out and they threw a fit and I walked away. This whole process is very much the same. I know for us if I was not willing to admit I was wrong the enabling would continue today. I’ve slipped along the way too but now I’m much better at recognizing the signs and being prepared with responses. I always remember you telling me to never give them an answer on the spot. Tell them I need time to see what I can do and then I can say no and back it up. Otherwise it’s a knee-jerk response. It always works so thank-you. A few weeks ago my daughter got strep throat and needed medicine and didn’t get paid until several days later. She didn’t ask but I went to the pharmacy and got it and when I gave it to her she cried and thanked me. She showed up on payday with half the money then a week later the other half. (It cost $116) She came on her own, I didn’t have to ask. That was what I was waiting for. She had a smile on her face and we didn’t say a word. I just nodded. Gone are the days of screaming and demanding and that whole entitlement attitude. But it was a long time coming. And I know that if I slipped and started handing out, she’d fall too. She also told me that she knew she was taking advantage of me but she was selfish and it just became easy. Now she feels pride in herself and our relationship has grown so it’s all worth it. You give me such good advice and support and so does Betty. I hope I am helping someone too.
Suzanne, I’m so proud of you! I’m glad you took my words of advice to heart and have found ways to help without enabling. Isn’t it amazing to see the positive results that come when grown kids are required to stand on their own two feet? I’m so glad your daughter admitted to you what so many other adult kids do to their parents, using parents and manipulating parents. Pulling on the heartstrings etc. Emotional blackmail. It had to have taken some emotional maturity for your daughter to admit outloud that she knew she was taking advantage of you and was being selfish, so good for her too! The mutual understanding that you both have about the situations of the past is clear, and hopefully now you both can build on the relationship to a greater level than either of you thought possible. Great job!!!
Lin,
This is K. I haven’t written in a long time because I just gave up. It’s a shame too. I really did love him and I thought we had a real shot at happiness. When I met him he and his children would talk about his ex-wife so maliciously. That should have beeen a clue. I found out that she was none of those things they said. They probably ran her off too. Out of unhappiness I started to spend money. He was never willing to sit down with me and go over our budget or household concerns. He was gone days last year on hunting or fishing trips, each time costing about 200.00. Since he had all the access to our money, I was left at home doing nothing. Of course, according to him I spent ALL our money. Even after I showed him on paper that I would save from payday to payday while he spent he still blamed me. He bought his daughter (24)a desktop, laptop,1000.00 loan, gave her money every week and did even more for his son. The day he cursed out HIS 4 year old grandson for wetting his pants and threw him on his bed, I called his daughter to come get her son. She replied,”the boy had probably done something to piss Dad off”. The next day I packed up the major furniture, my things, anything I had given him and I moved to Columbus, OH 1200 miles away. I left him both cars and the house. Yes, the cars have notes, but the house has a lot of equity in it and I DON’T CARE. My only problem now is I can’t get over the feelings of resentment. My life is a shambles with no car and no job and nothing to look forward to. Neither of us has filed for divorce; me, because I can’t afford to, him, I don’t know. It angers me that the next person he gets with will fall into the same trap. His kids will tell her what a shrew I was and when she won’t do their bidding anymore, they’ll run her off.
You guys helped me though. Today I was thinking of calling him and being nice. NOT SO MUCH.
Hi K, I’m so sorry things didn’t work out with you and your husband. I remember the problems you’ve mentioned with the husband and his children. Unfortunately, it’s all too common for many families. Leaving the marriage and moving on with your life provides you much insight and wisdom of the signs and red flags to watch out for, so you don’t wind up in a bad and painful situation.
Right now things may be hard for you, especially with no job and no car etc, but think of the positives you have now and will have in the future. Anger, hurt, resentment and perhaps even some bitterness are normal reactions, so beat yourself up about those. Feeling the feelings and going through the mental and emotional stages and then “letting go” of the past, finding yourself healthier, happier and more content in your life than ever before is in your future. Let it take its natural course. Do what you need to do to find a job and figure out the transportation issue, perhaps through divorce court if that’s what you choose, and strive towards the kind of life you want and need for yourself. It’ll happen for you, but don’t allow the emotions to take over and fester inside of you. Set your goals, set your path and start taking the steps towards a better you and life for you.
oops, I meant “don’t beat yourself up about those”. I sometimes type too fast.
Hi K, You sound like me 21 years ago. My ex always had $ for fishing trips to Canada, Michigan and me and my kids would have to eat at my moms because he left us broke. I left him everything and had 37 cents, no car, no job, and no place to live. But then I knew what I had to do. We piled in on my mom and 3 months later I had a car, was on welfare, a house thru the city, and enrolled in college. It was rough but I’ve never looked back. He still tells everyone I was crazy, and I did him wrong. Boo hoo. He’s been married 5 more times and guess what? It’s all their fault too.
You have so much to look forward to: peace and quiet, a savings account, get your hair done, buy a new outfit, read a book, join a chruch, make new friends, go for a walk and thank God you’re not subject to your ex’s control. Things will only get better from here.
Good for you Suzanne! You are living proof that there absolutely life after divorce and it’s all about what you want and need, rather than being under the thumb err..control of someone else. Good for you!
Hi Lin, Suzanne, and Kym.
Happy 4th! Suzanne, you and your daughter are really on track! I’m so happy for both of you.
Sorry, Kym. My trigger finger was too fast so I didn’t say what I wanted to say to you. Just wanted to tell you that you are in our prayers and hope that everything works out for you. It’s rough, but you had to do something to help yourself. We all try to work through our problems and stick it out in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere, but sometimes we just can’t do anymore.
Life is difficult enough without having to deal with someone’s selfishness and meaness! I wish men could be forced to see themselves as their mates see them. I guess that would work for women, too. People who think they know everything and are mean are a pain! They sure are controlling and must have the self-confidence of a flea to treat others the way they do. It’s THEIR problem! Their families just get in their way when they are steamrolling through life and destroying all of their relationships along the way! Too bad. They’re missing so much good that they could share with their families. I just wish they wouldn’t leave so much destruction in their paths! I guess we just have to do what is necessary for us to survive. Good luck to you!
I sure hope that Lin and Suzanne still check in here from time to time. I have a situation that is SO similar to Suzannes and wanted to touch on it tonight and maybe get some support from her, Lin, and the rest of you. I have a 25 year old daughter who is living in a rental home of ours. She was NOT ever supposed to allow her boyfriend to move in and she did. He will not work, sleeps all the time and seems to have zero motivation in anything in life except to sleep and eat. We are going to him know that soon he must move out. She did not have the respect for us in the first place to not let him move in. I have noticed a real change in our daughter over the past few years and I suspect drugs may be involved. I would like to hear from any and all of you. It also seems that I only hear from her she needs something. I call her, text her, and get no replies until days later. This really hurts me. Give me some direction but I tell you this, her boyfriend is on his way out. I know that with her hot temper, we may pay for it by her never seeing us again but then again we don’t see much of her the way things are….
Tiredmom, your situation with your daughter is extremely common, unfortunately. Since you’re only asking about the problem of your daughter allowing her boyfriend to move into the home without your permission and consent (versus typical problems of grown kids not paying their bills, rent etc), I hope getting him out of there will be relatively easy for you. But I doubt it. If you can manage to get him out with just putting your foot down and firmly telling him he’s got to go, then more power to ya. How it all plays out, how well it goes or not, will likely have a lot to do with your daughter’s reaction and what she says to him about it. It may become a situation where you’ll have to at least consult with a local attorney about legal eviction, if necessary. Since I’m not an attorney, I certainly can’t advise you on legalities of kicking him out, if there is or isn’t a signed lease/agreement where your daughter admits/agrees that she’s not allowed to move anyone in etc. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for a hot tempered fallout from your daughter, but as you say, she knew the rules ahead of time. Hang in there and let us know how it goes.
Lin, thanks so much. Well, i found out more. Now she is saying she cannot live without him and will be leaving too. I am just sick and cannot get over how my daughter can practically turn her back on her dad and I without a second thought. More later
Where’s everyone go? My situation is eerily similar to tired mom’s. I’m wondering what happened?
Great website…thank you. Read most of the posts because I’m dealing w/my 28 year old son who is on his own but contiinually needs financial help….he is at the point he verbally abuses me w/emotional guilt from the past about my mistakes, being a bad mom, etc. I’m disabled and can’t help anymore other than prayer. He says he now has health problems w/blood pressure and I certainly don’t doubt it, but I’m not giving in…he may loose his car, apt. and end up homeless but I’m not giving in. Unfortunately, his life may change for the worse but I’m done and emotionally and physically worn out.