Close to 14 million adult children are still living at home. There are simple steps both parents and their kids need to take to make their lives more productive, fulfilling and successful. Over-indulgence is one of the most insidious forms of child abuse.
Your primary job as a parent is to prepare your child for how the world really works. In the real world, you don’t always get what you want. You will be better able to deal with that as an adult if you’ve experienced it as a child.
Are your kids a sponge or are you a sucker? There is a difference between helping your children get up on their feet and setting them up to expect less of themselves. Set boundaries without feeling guilt. Parents need to put down boundaries and stick to them. Children often assume the victim role and say, “I can’t do it. I have to live here.” Parents buy into this thinking, and then feel guilty because they want to help their kids. When they feed that guilt, they ignore the fact that they are crippling their children’s advancement in life.
Getting Adult Children To Be Financially Responsible
Let your adult children plan their own lives. Parents should not try to make a life plan for their adult children; this is something they need to devise on their own so they will follow it. Parents can guide and support their kids, but treating them like babies may cause them to regress. They need to be moving ahead and maturing, not regressing into childhood roles. Adult kids should be living as independent young people and making their own way. They need to decide for themselves what they want out of life, and devise a plan to obtain it. Spoiling your children doesn’t teach them how the world works. All you are teaching them is that if they ask enough, you’ll give them what they want.
Your child is doing what he’s doing because he/she can. Instead of asking why your kid isn’t more productive, have a job or goals, ask yourself if you have created an environment in which your child doesn’t have to. Can they maintain the standard of living you raised them in without any effort?
Helping or Enabling?
Think about the true meaning of help. There is an old saying: “Those for whom you do the most, wind up resenting you the worst.” Are you really helping your kids if you’re not showing them how the real world works? Parents need to redefine what it means to help someone. Look at your motivation for helping your children. If you are doing it to feel better about yourself, then you probably don’t have your child’s best interest in mind. You don’t help people by taking away their self-sufficiency, pride of accomplishment and achievement. Children need to take an initiative and find ways to achieve their goals on their own. If something is important enough for your children, they will find a way to make it happen.
How To Stop Enabling
Learn how to say no. Your children need to learn that if they choose a behavior, they choose the consequences. Don’t allow them to keep choosing behaviors that have negative consequences that you pick up the tab for! Remember, you are not doing your child a favor by making it easy for him or her to continue to live at home. Children get into a “comfort zone” where days turn into months and then years and before you know it, you’re 28 or 30 and living at home.
Prepare your children for the real world. When we talk about loving our children, loving them means preparing them. In the real world, your children will have to pull their own weight and make their own way. If you allow them not to require more from themselves, then they won’t, and they won’t progress. It is important for your children to learn self-sufficiency, develop high self-esteem and be motivated from early on in life. If you are constantly helping them and taking care of their needs, you are not preparing them for the real world, and in fact, you are actually crippling them.
Learning How To Let Go
Don’t feel guilty for wanting your children to be out on their own. It does not mean you don’t love them. It means that you don’t want to rob them of the chance to be self-sufficient, productive adults who are able to have a sense of purpose and pride.
Remember, you don’t solve money problems with money. You solve money problems with lifestyle, values and priorities. Come up with a plan that contains clear steps and a timeline that both of you can agree on.
If you’re frustrated because all of your help thus far hasn’t been appreciated, remember that no good deed goes unpunished. Those you do the most for will resent you the most - because it becomes a bottomless pit. The most valuable gift that you can give your children in this situation is to start requiring more of them and allow them to be grownups.
Parents who have adult children still living at home should give their kids 30 days to move out of the house and then change the locks. You are not being mean by requiring them to grow up. Pushing your adult children out of the house helps them begin healthy, successful lives.
For Adult Children:
Take responsibility for yourself. Oftentimes it is easier to sit back and let others provide for you, while you get accustomed to a comfort zone. By taking the path of least resistance, you reward yourself with comfort and relief from anxiety that comes from reaching for something else. You may feel safe when you don’t attempt to change, but you are sabotaging yourself. You are selling out your happiness and putting up with something you don’t want. Require more of yourself.
Have a plan to get on your own. Find a job, something that gives you the pride and independence to be able to say, “I am taking care of myself.” Start living where you can get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, “I’m a grown person; I’m living on my own and I’m proud of that.” Start at an entry-level position if you have to, and then build from there. Saving yourself for a management position is not the place to start. You need to get whatever job you can, and then build for another job. Set some goals and make a time-line to get there.
Further Reading:
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around him. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors.
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9 responses so far ↓
1 Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents | Telling It Like It Is // May 1, 2008 at 1:08 am
[…] Raising Independent Children, Not Moochers […]
2 DG Haldeman (2 comments.) // May 2, 2008 at 9:00 am
I’m already 34 and I can’t say I’m completely independent because my husand is very supportative of me trying to make it on my own and helps financially–not because I asked, but because he feels it’s his responsibility to at least do a share since we’re not divorced.
But, for the first time I feel independent emotionally, mentally, and have actually learned how to control spending sprees, and start putting money aside. It’s been great!
3 Lin (793 comments.) // May 2, 2008 at 10:43 am
Hi DG, it’s great that you’ve found a good balance, where you can feel a sense of independence and control, but also married.
This particular post is specifically for those who are adult children living at home with parents, “mooching” so to speak off of parents who are “enabling” their children to not become financially and emotionally mature, living on their own. But I’m glad you’ve found a good balance between the responsibilities of marriage and still remain true to who you are individually.
4 How To Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us | Telling It Like It Is // May 2, 2008 at 8:28 pm
[…] Raising Independent Children - Not Moochers […]
5 cyndi // Aug 9, 2008 at 7:29 am
yes, I can relate to this article all too well.
How much should you expect from grown children who are still living at home?
I am a single mom for the last 10 years and have raised my son pretty much alone. He has never had to do without many things, although I don’t think he was spoiled.
I have had a horrible couple years, including another divorce, job loss, medical problems,car repair bills…which has left me pretty destitute at this point.
My son is now 19, he has a full time job, yet refuses to help out in any way. The only job I was able to find was a part time job up the street because of lack of reliable transporttion. Yet, he expects me to support him in every way. He just wants to work and have fun. He spends most of his money on entertainment for himself, while I struggle to get food in the house and pay utility bills.
He has become increasingly verbally abusive, calling me every name in the book if I ask him to do something or to help out. He feels that he is entitled to live here for free with no responsibilities at all. Chores around the house? He will NOT do them, calling me a lazy cow if I ask him to take out the garbage or cut the grass. He is a total slob, pretty much expects me to pay all the bills, do everything around the house, and be his personal maid. Verbal abuse is increasing and I am just about at the end of my rope. He refuses to leave.
I am trying to get my life back together, but he is like a lead weight around my neck. I’m tired of trying to support him, and myself. He blames me for every little problem in his life and treats me accordingly.
Just how much can I expect a 19 yr old to help in hard times? What should I do about the horrible daily name calling and blaming?
Shouldn’t he at least be expected to a few household chores? Contribute to at least some of the bills? Do his own laundry?
And most of all, shouldn’t I expect to be respected at least a little? Being called every name in the book on a daily basis is very wearing. Where can I get help?
6 Lin (793 comments.) // Aug 9, 2008 at 7:52 am
Hi Cyndi,
Your situation with your adult son is all too common these days, and I sympathize with your situation.
Just in case you missed them, I wanted to be sure to point out several articles I’ve written on dealing with grown children living at home with parents. In my article, How to Stop Enabling - When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us, I’ve listed several articles on the subject that you may or may not have seen yet and I recommend you do.
You have every right to be treated with respect from your son, and you are right to expect that your son help in all the ways you’ve mentioned, including not calling you names and treating you with such disrespect.
He “refuses to leave”? That’s not really his decision. He’s an adult, working and able-bodied, and treating you like dirt. Kick him out and change the locks Cyndi. Pack up/bag up his belongings and leave them at the front door for him to pick up after he gets off work, or leave his stuff with a family member or friend for him to go and get them.
Do not allow your son to continue treating you this way. Take a stand for yourself, and make it a firm one. Make it crystal clear to your son that you will not tolerate being disrespected, mentally and emotionally abused by your own “child”, and due to his own choices and behaviors you have found it necessary to kick him out of the house.
Don’t fall for any attempts of “guilt trips” like, Where am I supposed to go? and all that stuff. He will find a place to stay in no time at all, whether it’s at a friend’s house or other relatives. He will be just fine. No matter what, do not allow him to move back into the house with “promises” of better behavior. It’s a con job.
He will likely be very upset and angry, and may not be willing to talk to you or see you for a period of time. It’s typical, toddler-like behavior of stomping their feet to get their own way; just more grown up stomping. Stand your ground Cyndi. Be sure to change the locks right away. The other articles linked above will give you more information as well, and resources/books that will help you deal with these issues. Good luck Cyndi!
7 cyndi // Aug 9, 2008 at 2:38 pm
THANK YOU so much for your response. It’s funny how things you know to be true are sometimes so hard to accept in your own situation. Unfortunatley for me, I am a kind, gentle person and choose to avoid confrontation at all costs. This has done far more damage than I could have imagined, in my personal and professional life as well.
I knew that I could not be that wrong, but I guess I really needed to hear it from someone else. Guilt is a pretty strong force isn’t it? This was my last hope I guess, this morning I was actually thinking of just running away!
Again, thank you so much. I will read the articles you have mentioned. Nice to know someone out there understands.
8 Kathleen // Aug 12, 2008 at 9:57 am
What is there to do about a sibling who lives with your parents and uses parents debit card for expenses including gifts for parents.
Mom says money spent is charged to their “account”, in other words “inheritance”.
I have two brothers, ages 49 and 59 who live with my parents. One has a job and the other has part time work as a photographer and runs a website (from their home) about politics.
The other three siblings, including myself live elsewhere, work, have mortgages and support ourselves. Going home is hard as 59 is arrogant, the house is always a mess as neither brother cleans, and 59 always has to tell you how to live your life right.
Both parents have health issues with Dad having dementia and 59 is supposedly there to help but he is mean and short tempered with Dad. Mom seems to delight in having 59 there to play dominoes or cards which he has plenty of time for since he has no real job.
My parents have a great entertainment system which 59 prodded my Dad,(with dementia) into buying “because Dad wanted it.” This type of spending happens often because 59 wants the best for parents and makes sure parents pay for it.
Mom has said she wants the two boys to learn “fiscal responsibility” but only charges them $100. a month rent, deducted from their “account” (inheritance).
I know I sound bitter but my parents taught me to be independent and successful but now they are accepting of these two moochers and it is keeping me away from visiting them. Is there any way to show my Mom she’s not teaching “fiscal responsibility” to the two boys?
9 Lin (793 comments.) // Aug 12, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Kathleen, this situation with your brothers blows my mind! I was actually rendered speechless when I read your message, and just kept shaking my head wishing it weren’t so.
Obviously, considering the brothers are 49 and 59 years old, for them to be living with the parents is ridiculous.
How is it that you and your two other siblings are living your lives responsibly and independent of your parents, but the other two are not, makes me wonder about the possible emotional “payoff” for your parents.
With dad having dementia, and mom liking the fact that she has someone to play board games with etc, tells me that your mom in particular has fears and concerns and maybe even some feelings of loneliness due to your dad’s health issues.
Obviously your parents are elderly, and may be needing some help in their advanced years, but this is far beyond what is reasonable. From what you’re saying, the house is a mess and chores are not being done, so exactly how is this “helping” your parents? I say it’s not helping at all. Except maybe the brothers helping themselves to some luxury items on mom and dad’s dime.
I’d be curious to ask your mom what her definition of “fiscal responsibility” is, and how she feels that is being achieved by the current situation. How does she define being financially responsible and independent, as the rest of you kids are? Why the double-standard?
I’d also want to ask her if it has ever crossed her mind that maybe what she and your dad have been doing, allowing these grown adult men to live in their house and treat it like it’s THEIR house and living there basically for free, whether she really believes this has helped her sons or maybe hindered their growth?
Does your mom or dad ever mention anything about feeling disappointed in the two brothers because they are living with them at their ages? If not, then I can’t help but think your mom especially is dealing with some emotional issues and fears, and feels a sense of comfort and companionship having the brothers there.
If you haven’t yet, I recommend you check out my article How to Stop Enabling which lists some great books that I believe would help your mom understand that the current living situation is not in their best interests, nor that of the brothers.
Having the brothers living on their own and being financially responsible for themselves, perhaps somewhere not too far away so she/they can visit often, is most definitely needed. From the way you describe the brothers, it definitely sounds like both of them have a strong Sense of Entitlement that has gotten way out of control. This situation is mind-boggling to me.
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