99 responses so far ↓

• 1 jOolian // Sep 19, 2007 at 11:04 am

  Lin :: Amen!!! Great blog…
  Yoo’r a rawwwk’n blogger fersure!!
  (pleeze excuse my debauched scribes, iz juz me…)
  ~julian

• 2 Mommy2JL // Sep 20, 2007 at 10:40 pm

  I can completely agree and disagree with everything you say.

  I am 21 years old and after living on my own for 2 years I moved back in with my parents.
  I was just barely managing to get by, paying tuition, rent, utilities, car insurance and all the extra little things that come with post secondary education.

  I never expected, or asked my parents for help, financial or otherwise. I rarely went out. I stuck to the budget I had created for myself but in the end I found myself pregnant with only half my education completed, leaving me no means to actually get my career started and support myself and a child.

  If it was just me, I would probably still be living in my apartment in the middle of nowhere outside of North Bay, doing the same thing I was before. Rare nights at the bar, no meals out etc etc.
  But I never would have survived all of that with the added cost of diapers and all the other baby necessities. My boyfriend of 4 years had left me for another woman months before I found out I was pregnant and after I told him he was nowhere to be found, so there’s no child support either.

  I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble on like this.

  I guess what I was trying to say is that I think everything you say is completely valid but there’s always an exception to every rule.

  Yes, I did move back in with my parents, but other than that I’m self sufficient and I don’t rely on them. On top of that I contribute to the household, keeping up my share of the housework and financially.

  Great post

• 3 Telling It Like It Is // Sep 21, 2007 at 8:42 am

  Mommy2jl, thank you for your comment. I can empathize with your situation, knowing it can be very difficult to attend school to complete your education, maintain a job and care for a child as a single parent.

  I do believe there are situations that occur that may require a return to the parents home, but I also believe it needs to be temporary, with a time limit carved in stone.

  Often adult children who return home to live with their parents soon find themselves feeling very “comfortable” not having the worry and stress of providing for themselves (and their chidren) that they experienced while living on their own. Becoming too comfortable in the family home tends to lead to taking this temporary help for granted.

  Whatever the situation is that causes adult children to move back in with their parents, it is the responsibility of the adult children to diligently and continuously work towards a quick resolution and return to their independent lives, living on their own.

  It is the responsibility of the parents to see to it that this occurs as expediently as possible, and if necessary, exercise tough love in order for their adult children to not become complacent and lazy in these matters.

• 4 Mommy2JL // Sep 21, 2007 at 10:42 pm

  Agreed!

  I have no desire to be my 40 year old co-worker, who also lives with his parents :S yeck. lol

  Personally, I can’t imagine ever being so comfortable that I wouldn’t be motivated to leave. I miss my independance and privacy too much lol.
  It’s been nice for the past 4 months but I’m already itching for my own place and my own space.

  I know people from high school and some from college that moved back in with their parents after they finished their degrees and have started their careers and have no intention to leave any time soon.
  I would hope that if I was in that situation my parents would take it upon themselves to make sure it didn’t stay that way.
  You can’t learn to be an adult and make adult decision if you aren’t living like one and given the chance to do so.

  You’re right, there has to be a limit. There’s a fine line between getting on your feet and using your parents.

• 5 Moved Out // Oct 22, 2007 at 6:46 pm

  Hey, not all of us are like that. It was most logical to go back home between years of school at first - dorms are cheaper than apartments, after all - but it was infuriating each and every single time. I love my parents dearly, but I don’t want to live with them! By the time I got an offer to room with an already graduated student, I was so excited to move out I would have said yes if she’d been certifiably insane. (Thankfully she’s not…)

  But then, my mom always said if they aren’t ecstatic to leave, you raised them wrong. I would be inclined to agree, and plan on making darn sure of the same, when my kids come around.

  Anyway, I know a few people that are like that - it’s so sad. They think their mom or dad is their best friend in the whole world, and they’re usually spoiled rotten!

• 6 Telling It Like It Is // Oct 22, 2007 at 8:10 pm

  Moved Out, thank you for expressing your point of view. While it is difficult for young adult to get a start in the world, with college courses and working full time just to eat, it is my opinion that it is vitally important for these young ones to experience exactly that. To learn the struggle of making their way in the world, learning to make adult choices of money management etc in order to provide for themselves, is the best thing that can happen. Too many parents have forgotten the benefit of saying no, and meaning it.

• 7 Blondie - Pamela // Oct 29, 2007 at 7:32 pm

  I know of one person who is 45 years old and when to college for six years until they told him to pick a major and leave. He has never lived with anyone but his mother or father.

  His brother kicked him out of his mother’s house because he owned the house, so he went to live with his father, who is now calling my boyfreind asking if he can come and stay at MY HOUSE. I think not.

  I told the father to kick him out so he can find his own place. He is only 45, I know it will be rough! His parents are 80 and 75.

• 8 Telling It Like It Is // Oct 29, 2007 at 7:39 pm

  That is so sad. But I’ve heard stories similar to that and it makes me cringe. Thank you for sharing this story.

• 9 Rob // Nov 8, 2007 at 6:53 am

  So many Boomer parents had/have the misguided notion that their job is to make their kids’ lives easy and that’s resulted in a generation of self-entitled slackers who expect the world on a plate yet have no work ethic.

  My wife & I are only just now a couple of months away from our first (adopted) child when many of our friends have kids in high school and we’ve been keenly observing these kids to get a solid idea of some parenting traps to avoid. We attended a “Parenting with Love & Logic” class last year that really resonated with us.

  That course emphasized the value of letting children learn about the consequences of their actions when the price is trivial - like a toy that’s broken due to neglect (and is not replaced) - rather than let kids have to learn about this when it becomes much more costly (in every sense) to do so - like a totalled car due to neglectful driving habits.

• 10 Heather // Nov 29, 2007 at 1:15 pm

  But why should kids have to struggle? In other societies It’s perfectly acceptable to live with your parents. Look at India… you live with your parents until they die! We’re meant to take care of each other.. that’s part of being human. I think it’s very American to be so independent and that’s part of what’s wrong with the US.

• 11 Telling It Like It Is // Nov 29, 2007 at 1:27 pm

  Heather, I think you entirely missed the point of this post. I don’t believe it’s a matter of being American or not. It’s about raising children to become mature adults rather than dependent adults still walking around with the umbilical cord still attached.

• 12 Hupernikao // Nov 29, 2007 at 2:20 pm

  The point is not “living as a village” and taking care of each other, it’s about mooching off the parents. A young adult who has been laid off from a job without any warning will have very little if any savings top fall back on, and will nedd help from friends/family to get by while looking for a new job. A young adult who is working full time and has the means to live on a budget and not need help - yet chooses to spend money on eating out every day, movies and video games, while expecting mom and dad to keep the necessities of life paid up is a completely different story.

  It’s not that Americans have an erroneous independent streak. It’s that Americans ( as well as other well-off countries) have an over-abundance of temptations at our fingertips. Those families in India don’t have a Starbucks on every corner, Gamestop, movie theatres every direction you look. Ads telling them they each need their own car - and the car should display personality and status. It’s not only about teaching our children how to not need us - it’s about teaching our children that they aren’t the clothes they wear, the car they drive or house/neighborhood they live in. If they realize they can be themselves no matter what they wear, what they drive or where they live, then hopefully those temptations are at least lessened.

• 13 Telling It Like It Is // Nov 29, 2007 at 2:24 pm

  Huper, very well said. I couldn’t have said it better.

• 14 Tom // Jan 8, 2008 at 5:08 pm

  I have a stepson who is divorced with two teen sons and he has been an alcoholic and drug addict and has used his mother for money and to fix his mistakes and legal problems. This is enabling and is wrong. When an adult child knows better and completely messes up their lives, they should live with the consequences, unless they are in a treatment program or in some way giving back for the pain they have caused others. He, instead, keeps using and abusing his enablers. So much for the India plan in this particular case. As Dr. Phil says, “Kick em out!”

• 15 Lin (793 comments.) // Jan 8, 2008 at 5:29 pm

  Tom, I couldn’t agree with you more. The more that parents “rescue” their adult children from the consequences of their own choices, parents are doing more harm than good. And, the “children” keep coming back for more. And more.

• 16 Sharon // Jan 27, 2008 at 4:12 pm

  I have two adult children, one is 26 and one 20. Neither are living with me, the 20 yr old is at their grandparent’s home, and the 26 yr old is at their pastor’s home. It’s a long story, but drugs have to do with why neither are living with me (their drug use/stealing from me and my mother). My problem is, one is turning their life around, the other says they are trying. At the current time, neither are working, but looking for jobs. One has a savings account, that is slowly being depleted, the other has no money. I have helped the one that is turning their life around by paying for half her car, and paying for car insurance and court payments recently(which I explained in detail that this was a loan because I wasn’t going to pay court fees for her). What bothers me is that she acts like she is able to ‘chose’ and be ‘picky’ about where she wants to work. I have worked at places that people should not have to work, but it paid the bills since I was a single mother for over 25 years. I did what I had to do to pay the bills (ie: working in a machine shop).

  The other child is at their grandparents, and the grandmother is a huge enabler. Nothing this child does is wrong, even though he has pawned some of her family heirloom rings from deceased siblings, and stolen pills from the grandfather. The grandmother says I’m too hard on him because I don’t believe half of what he says. My dilima is that I don’t know what’s right and wrong anymore. I feel they put me in the situation that I have to help, if I don’t, my mother does, and it’s been like this for close to 2 years.

• 17 Lin (793 comments.) // Jan 27, 2008 at 5:14 pm

  Hi Sharon,

  I’ve heard stories similar to yours many times, and I’m so sorry it has obviously been very difficult for you.

  Anyone, including adult children, that have the idea that they can “choose” how help should/must be given, or choose where they will or will not work, are controlling the parent through manipulation. Any responsible parent understands that in order to pay the bills and keep food on the table, we do what we have to do even if it means doing menial jobs. You are spot on there.

  Ask yourself this question: How will my child/children learn to do for themselves if I continue to do for them? Is the help I am providing really helping them, or am I keeping them from learning life’s hard lessons?

  Children, especially adult children, often have amazing methods to manipulate parents into giving and giving and giving and giving, until parents are in financial ruin.

  I always ask parents with stories similar to yours, “If the worst scenario were to happen, what then”? If you completely stop helping, stop giving monetary assistance of any kind, what will happen to your children? Will they starve? No. Will they end up living on the streets as a bum? No.

  More often than not, children left to “hit rock bottom” often find themselves learning the hard life lesson that as adults, they must be responsible and get and maintain a job in order to take care of themselves.

  Sharon, I would highly recommend that you completely stop any and all financial assistance immediately. You would be helping them more by allowing them to deal with the consequences of their own choices, perhaps even “hitting rock bottom”, and realize they cannot USE you anymore for their own selfish motives.

  You cannot control what your mom does, but you can control what you do, and you have the power to stop what is happening to you. Two years is a long time shelling out money to able bodied adult children, far too long actually.

  You must decide whether the help you are providing is really helping them, or if it’s working out more as a hindering their growth. Good luck.

• 18 anja merret - chatting to my generation » Soup to Nuts - Progressive Dinner Blog Carnival // Jan 29, 2008 at 3:53 pm

  […] Burgess has some good advice to give to parents when she presents Are Parents Helping Or Enabling Their Adult Children? | Telling It Like It Is posted at Telling It Like It […]

• 19 SP // Jan 30, 2008 at 10:14 am

  it’s not about the temptations of the western world that’s the problem, you will find that the adults in India (mentioned by Heather) who live with their parents are often dependent on them their whole lives. Yes, I do think Americans can learn about caring for elders, but at the same timethose Indian adult kids could learn about thinking and acting for themselves. The wealthy ones do have all the temptations of the western world, and use them too, thinking they are entitled to it because they were born on the right side of the tracks. I should know, I was one of them and still trying to overcome dependency on my parents money, because we were not brought up to think for ourselves, we were told our parents would buy everything and take care of everything so we beleived it was our right. But it does nothing for one’s self esteem, and it makes you doubt how to do things and be self suffiicient.

• 20 Fed up // Feb 18, 2008 at 4:31 pm

  My 31 year old brother in law still lives at home because he insists (for the past 3 years), he is going back to school (mind you, he has a masters and works a mediocre job for mediocre pay - way below his abilities) and for fear of having “bills”. Doesn’t everyone in the real world have bills?

  My 28 year old brother in law who is married and living “on his own” with his wife is expecting a child soon. Until recently, he has access to a credit card that he continually abused to the tune of $1k per month or better and guess who picked up the bill? Mommy and Daddy, who are both retired. Supposedly, the card has been cut off, but now he complains about having no money. Just wait until that baby arrives!

  Both he and his wife work and should be able to live a normal middle-class lifestyle, however have become accostomed to having their wants met. Hell, who wouldn’t love access to a credit card you never received the bills for? Laptops, TV’s, cell phones, satellite radio, thousands of DVD’s, trips, etc. are all theirs at the cost of my in-laws. If I was the parents, I would say, “Suck it up”. Then again, if I were the parents, it wouldn’t have gotten to this point! Ridiculous!

  I am definitely going to instill a work ethic in my children, just like my parents did with me. I worked for everything. Clothes, cars, insurance, college and still do work to pay my mortgage, grocery bills, etc and feel as though I am better off for it.

  I’m pretty sure my in laws are still helping them out, maybe not by giving them free reign of the credit card, but I’m pretty sure they are in some way. Someday, my in laws will not be here and the enabling will end there because I will not be picking up the pieces for them.

• 21 Lin (793 comments.) // Feb 18, 2008 at 4:36 pm

  Fed Up, BRAVO!

  Good for you! I love getting these type messages where people are actually “getting it” and able to see for themselves what is going on around them.

  Bravo to you for standing on your own feet and being independent and taking care of your own needs as a grown up.

  If parents would only WAKE UP and see what is really going on, and take steps to put a stop to the enabling, our society might not be filled so many slackers.

  Good for you!

• 22 Gmom // Feb 21, 2008 at 12:00 pm

  What do you do when your child punishes you with not being allowed to see the grandchildren when you finally say no..I am so sad and hurt by my daughter’s behavior towards me and she always tells me I owe her

• 23 Lin (793 comments.) // Feb 21, 2008 at 12:17 pm

  Gmom, wow that’s got to be really painful for you for your daughter to use her child as a weapon over you, to try to manipulate and control you.

  Your daughter is obviously grown, or at least old enough that she has a child.

  While you cannot change HER behavior towards you, nor force her to allow you to see your grandchild, you can and NEED to assert yourself and not allow her to control you. (See my article on Assertiveness on the Home page).

  The harder she works to manipulate and control you, telling you that you OWE her and keeping your grandchild from you, the more assertive you must become.

  Remember too, there are laws that protect the rights and interests of grandparents. Lawmakers and judges do not take kindly to people who prevent grandparents from seeing their grandchildren. Hopefully, it would not come to the point where getting a lawyer is necessary, but it’s definitely an option you may have to consider.

  Do NOT give in to your daughter’s manipulative and controlling behaviors, regardless of how painful and hurtful it may be.

  Each and every time you give in only makes matters worse, and may cause you to find yourself in a situation (like many other parents) who end up going BROKE due to giving in to children’s demands.

  Take a look at my Assertiveness article on the home page, and let me know what you think. Looking forward to hearing from you again.

• 24 confused mom // Feb 22, 2008 at 8:54 am

  This is such a timely topic for me as my middle daughter just turned 18 and I have no idea how to “parent” her anymore. Shes a great kid - gifted, talented, no real trouble thus far - but her senior year of high school has been hell! At this point she is threatening to drop out and I know that I am powerless to stop her. I am devastated but don’t know what to do at this point, how much impact do I have?

  My eldest on the other hand is 23 years old, graduating with her BA in a few months, living on her own for 2 years now, managing her own bills, etc. w/o assistance from me, working and managing school, and has recently gotten engaged to a wonderful young man. She was so easy, left me unprepared for the next ones!

  Any thoughts?

• 25 SP // Feb 22, 2008 at 9:31 am

  Every child is different. Have you ever thought of asking your middle daughter how come she is so angry? There is obviously some need that is not being met and she doesn’t know what to do about it or how to communicate it. Maybe she is gifted in a different way to your eldest and doesn’t want to be in her shadow? Ask her what she wants.

• 26 Lin (793 comments.) // Feb 22, 2008 at 9:40 am

  Confused mom, I apologize for the delay in approving your comment and responding.

  Ahh, the magic year of turning 18; kids often get the idea that turning 18 is their first chance to really stand up and say “I don’t have to listen to you anymore” or, “you can’t make me!”.

  Unfortunately, being 18 does allows your daughter the choice to drop out of high school, although you and I both know it would be a huge mistake. “How much impact do I have”? A lot more than you may believe right now.

  Regardless of how much she may be flexing her angst muscle right now, children want and need their parents input, even when they claim they don’t.

  Not knowing specifically why she’s threatening to quit school makes it difficult for me to direct you in any particular way. Has she explained her reasons for wanting to quit school?

  One of my sons once pulled this on me a few years ago, and after calmly and respectfully (assertively) drawing him out with questions as to why he was feeling like quitting (keeping quiet to listen intently), I came to understand he was struggling with a couple of his classes and grades and were able to find a solution.

  I would suggest starting with creating an opportunity for you and your daughter to have a private, calm and mutually respectful conversation, where you do most of the listening initally.

  Draw her out with assertive questions like:

  “I want to understand where you’re coming from about wanting to quit school, would you please explain to me”?

  “I need to believe that you understand how important it is to finish and graduate from high school, and that you’ll make the choice not to quit”.

  Your tone of voice, body language etc will have great impact on the outcome of the conversation. After reading the article on assertiveness, and having the talk with your daughter, I hope you will return and let me know the outcome. Even if she actually does quit school, it’s not the end of the world, as many kids who’ve done so end up returning and getting their diploma. Good luck!

• 27 Lin (793 comments.) // Feb 22, 2008 at 9:43 am

  SP, thank you for your input. I was still typing my response when yours came through. Thanks!

• 28 confused mom // Feb 22, 2008 at 10:55 am

  Thank you for the input!

  Fortunately we have very open communication, even when we don’t always like or agree with what each other has to say..grin…we have been in counseling for the past few months and have a handle on the issues but she is still very frustrated with school and, unfortunately, tends to be rather impulsive with her decisions. I only hope that she doesn’t make a huge mistake that will negatively impact her life for years to come but also realize that as much as I can love, talk, advise, etc., ultimately it is her life and up to her. sigh. Very difficult for a highly-involved mom like me.

  On a positive note, she has been accepted to several local colleges so, yes, I guess you are right, Lin, it won’t be the end of the world if she quits..she isn’t talking about slacking off and giving up her college education, she is just so ready to get out of high school..in her words, she is “over it.” I can’t say that I blame her in that regard.

• 29 Lin (793 comments.) // Feb 22, 2008 at 11:00 am

  Good for you! It’s true, it is very difficult and downright painful sometimes to see our children make mistakes that can greatly affect their lives.

  Sometimes we have to just step back and allow them (especially adult children) to learn the hard lessons of making poor choices, and hopefully they will learn from it and not continue on the same path.

• 30 SP // Feb 22, 2008 at 11:01 am

  If I were you, I would encourage her and tell her you are proud of her and she is very talented. That way she is less likely to rebel and make the best decision for herself.
  Parents often think they know best due to having more life experience, but unfortunately this is not always the case as what is best for one person is not necessarily so for another, even if they are closely related people.

• 31 Lin (793 comments.) // Feb 22, 2008 at 11:08 am

  That’s true SP, parents have to be willing to try a variety of things, as what may work for one may not work for another. Good tip!

• 32 Wish he'd listened // Feb 25, 2008 at 11:12 pm

  Our son moved out 1 1/2 years ago. He moved in with his girlfriends parents. When he lived home he went to college and because he was acting financially RECKLESS, we asked him to leave. We never charged him rent and we paid all his college expenses. He wanted us to pay his insurance and cell phone. We said NO. He left and continued to be reckless. He works full time now and 5 credit cards are calling and threatening to take him to court. He needs to get organized and pay them sensibly but he just does not. We just want to save him thousands in late fees by helping him but it never seems to help. He owes us over 8k and we just lent him another 4k but he says taxes will pay us back. He know money is not an issue for us. We feel bad that he has so many charges that he just can’t keep up. We want to take over his bills and take his pay and give him ample to survive. He probably won’t agree. At what point do you give up. He just landed a great job paying over 50k so he should be able to do it. He pays no rent where he is and he is just not growing up. When his car breaks down for the last time, how does he get to the job if he can’t get credit because his score is so low. He won’t be able to get to his job and then what? He has no options to keep the job because of the distance and there is no public transportation. I always wonder if that will be just another handout when it happens. Please advice me on how to handle this . He is only 23 and I hate to give up on him.

• 33 Lin (793 comments.) // Feb 25, 2008 at 11:52 pm

  Wish He’d Listened, this is obviously a very difficult situation for you. I completely understand the stress and strain you are under.

  The hardest part of being a parent is being able to step back and allow our adult children to deal with situations they bring on themselves.

  Your son is grown; at least chronologically grown. He is being irresponsible with his finances, and he owes you thousands of dollars.

  The best help you can give to your grown son is NOT to help, but continue to be emotionally supportive. No more financial “help”, as things don’t change, do they? He continues to do the same things over and over.

  You ask, What if? What if his car breaks down and he can’t get to work?

  Being an adult, and starting to make a substantial income, that very question should be foremost on HIS mind, not yours. HE should be answering the What If questions for himself.

  As long as he believes that he has what I call a “backup plan” (that being you and your money), things will not improve.

  It’s not about “giving up on him”. It’s about allowing him to stand on his own two, grown feet and taking on the responsibilities (and consequences) of being an adult.

  You’ve done your job. You’ve raised your son, and now he’s gone out into the world to make his life as he sees fit. The choices he makes may not be to your liking, but he still has to make his life and handle his financial choices on his own (as well as the consequences of poor money management).

  That includes dealing with the creditors calling; making payment arrangements as best HE can; getting himself a lawyer if it comes down to it; ensuring the car is in good running order is HIS responsibility; whatever HE has to do to take care of his own personal choices.

  Continuing to rescue him, rushing in to “save the day” does not provide your son the needed lessons of living within his means.

  The next time he asks for financial help, be strong and lovingly tell him that you are unable to help him. You do not owe him any explanations as to why, but if you feel you need to say something, simply tell him that you have every trust and faith that as an adult he will find the suitable solution to his problem. Any resistance given should just be responded to by repeating the above sentence again. And again.

  Whether you are in a financial situation to continue to “help” him or not is really not the point. Your money is YOUR money that you EARNED by working hard for it, just as HE needs to.

  I often tell people that “Need is the best motivator“. Someone who really NEEDS something will put forth whatever energies are required in order to fill the need, whether it be food, clothing, shelter, drugs, cigarettes, etc.

  NEED creates Motivation, and your son needs to experience what real need is and become motivated to handle his adult responsibilities as a grown man, and that can only happen if you stop rescuing him when he gets himself into troubling situations.

  Feel free to contact me again if you wish. Good luck!

• 34 Wish he'd listened // Feb 26, 2008 at 12:18 pm

  I woke this morning to find these words of wisdom. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU! I told my son to call a creditor that has been asking to help him lower his minimums on his cards and also to eliminate fees. For now, I offered to guide him in paying his bills with his payroll checks only until he feels he has in under control. Then he can take it over completely. I am not going to help him at all financially any longer. I told him I have faith he can get out of this mess with his more than adequate salary. You are so right in saying he will never learn until he has to depend on himself. Again, thank you for your words. It was truly a light bulb moment for me.

• 35 Lin (793 comments.) // Feb 26, 2008 at 12:50 pm

  I’m so glad I could help you! Just be sure not to fall back into the old ways. Yeah! Good luck!

• 36 Are You An Enabler? Identifying Early Warning Signs of Enabling Behaviors | Telling It Like It Is // Mar 31, 2008 at 1:07 pm

  […] My advice to Jane was that she immediately stop the enabling behaviors, and allow her teenage son to do for himself what he is capable of doing, as well as lovingly teach her son the life-skills that he may be lacking. Looking at the situation from a teenager’s point of view, I can see how Jane’s son might feel oppressed and angry by his mother’s efforts to make things as “easy on him as possible”, and I believe his angry outbursts and door slamming is his way of acting out his frustrations of being controlled. He’s growing up to become a man, and he needs to know that his mother and father have faith and trust in his ability to handle the many responsibilities of being an adult. […]

• 37 Sol // Apr 1, 2008 at 7:59 am

  I have a major prob, i had a child who i put up for adoption 26 years ago and is now back in my life ! i’m happy as can be, but!! so far i feel he is either using me or testing me . he asked to go to his home town to meet his birth father, ok i paid for the ticket , than he asked for a visit which required another ticket with the promice to pay me back,and payed for that, now he has asked to loan him 600.00 because his car is getting reposed he’s only been in my life 3 months. i think his adopted mom did a poor job on showing him responsibility correct ? please reply back soon !!! what do i do say no and risk losing him again.

• 38 Lin (793 comments.) // Apr 1, 2008 at 9:06 am

  Sol, it’s wonderful to hear you have been able to reconnect with your son after so many years. But, he’s an adult, 26 years old. Even if his adopted mom didn’t teach him how to take care of himself as an independent adult, don’t feel pressured to take on the job.

  Since he’s only been back in your life for 3 short months, I can’t say whether he’s using you, testing you, or simply hasn’t grown up yet.

  You don’t “owe” him anything, so do not feel guilty or upset by setting boundaries on what kind and amount of help you decide to provide. If your instincts tell you he may be using you, I would pay attention to your instincts. I believe instincts tell us a lot, but many people ignore those “red flags”.

  If this is a warning sign for you, simply tell him “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you this time”. And each time he asks for more money, say the same thing. Eventually he’ll figure it out, and will show you his “true colors” of what he hopes to gain from the relationship with you.

  I think it’s far too soon in the reconnection phase to be giving adult children money. Listen to your instincts. They are telling you something. Good luck!

• 39 Helping and Enabling - Is There A Difference? | Telling It Like It Is // Apr 3, 2008 at 7:00 pm

  […] behaviors, thus creating an atmosphere of comfort and ease for the situation to continue long-term. Enabling vs. helping has a much broader meaning, encompassing many areas of life, including raising children to become independent adults rather […]

• 40 Debbie // Apr 8, 2008 at 5:29 pm

  Hi Sol,
  I have had some of the very same issues with my son. My blog was entitled “wish he’d listened”. Lin’s advice made sense to me. Be sure to tell him just how blessed you feel that he is in your life. Close the ” Bank of Sol” now and instead make the foundation of your relationship based on a renewed sense of trust, love, respect and honesty.

  If his intentions are true, he will stick around and you will feel much better about the reunion long term.

  I had many problems with my son and lately I have been there to councel and assist in helping him understanding his budget. I believe he is learning to help himself. I will always be his mother but he needs to grow up. You son needs the same. Good luck and thank you again Lin. Things are moving along beautifully!

• 41 Lin (793 comments.) // Apr 8, 2008 at 5:39 pm

  Debbie, thank you for contributing your comments to Sol. I have another post on enabling about to publish on Thursday of this week entitled How To Stop Enabling, so stay tuned for that one.

• 42 How To Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us | Telling It Like It Is // Apr 10, 2008 at 5:01 am

  […] Are Parents Helping or Enabling Their Adult Children? […]

• 43 JMC // Apr 15, 2008 at 7:02 am

  This article really hits home with me.

  I am the mother of two grown children. My oldest finished college, is married and in the armed services, and doing well. My youngest however, is a different story.

  Part of the problem is my spouse. Don’t get me wrong- he is a wonderful person, but is a pure softy and was never the disciplinarian. My husband has always coddled him and made excuses for his lack of responsibility. From 1st grade forward, we were called to school to meet with teachers who expressed concern about a lack of work ethic and lack of responsibility. Rather than facing the problem and addressing it, my husband would often times make excuses for why our son was not performing. My son is now out of high school (FINALLY!) and at age 19 will still not seek out gainful employment. (I had to nag him to get his driver’s license at age 18.) He has held 2 or 3 menial jobs since high school but always quits with the excuse “it’s boring” or “don’t like it”. I cannot get him to do anything around the house. I find myself asking him repeatedly to do simple things like put sheets on his bed, clean up his bathroom, etc. Despite hearing me ask my son to do these things, my husband sits back and offers no support until of course, I am screaming at my son in sheer frustration.

  We have been to counseling but my spouse refuses to acknowledge he is enabling my son. My son also went to counseling a few times but now refuses to go. Believe me, I am not perfect and realize I contributed to this over the years as well, especially when he was small. I did try to use “natural consequences” over the years (i.e. you forget your lunch, you get hungry, you forget your homework, you stay after school, etc.) in an attempt to make him more responsible. However this was often times undermined either by my spouse or society in general. (It seems these days a lot of people (teachers, fellow parents, etc) tend to look at using natural consequences as “too harsh”.) I grew up this way, and believe I turned out pretty well (college educated, gainfully employed and married for 24 years). Anyway, I gave him an ultimatum several weeks ago that he either gets a job or is out of the house. He missed the deadline and became even more disrespectful and is playing my husband against me.

  This entire situation has placed a huge strain on my marriage, but I finally told him “today is the day- you’re out of here”. My husband’s response “where will he go?” but I feel that is for my son to work out. I realize this is harsh and it is breaking my heart, but what else can I do?

  All I have ever wished for my children was that they be happy and not have to worry about how they would make their way in the world. I feel my son is no more happy about his choices and this situation than I am. He seems lost and fearful of growing up.

  I apologize for this rambling blog, but I am at wit’s end and frankly heartbroken.

• 44 Lin (793 comments.) // Apr 15, 2008 at 7:29 am

  JMC, I understand the heartbreak. You try to do what parents are supposed to do while they’re growing up, and the other parent sabotages the efforts. I’ve been there myself.

  I would suggest having your husband read these articles, read the books mentioned in the post entitled How to Stop Enabling, and really communicate with your husband what has developed over the years with your son. The longer it continues as is, the longer it will continue to go on.

  As long as your son doesn’t have any emotional or psychological reasons for not being motivated to work, you really have to be tough with him. Sometimes kids can go undiagnosed for clinical depression or other medical/psychological problems, and barring anything like that, allowing him to do nothing for himself really isn’t helping him. Please do take a look at the article How to Stop Enabling, and consider getting the books I mention there, as they are a great resource for parents. Good luck!

• 45 Sol // Apr 15, 2008 at 7:56 am

  Lin and debbie your wise word helped out alot .My long lost son has not talked to me sence i said no to him , i ask my self, now when he does decided to come around again, what do i tell him?do i remind him how hurtful it was to me that he stoped communication to the point of disconnecting his phone ! ANd how will i say no to him again if i feel it neccesary to do so?

• 46 Lin (793 comments.) // Apr 15, 2008 at 9:10 am

  Hi Sol, welcome back. You don’t owe him any explanation as to why you said no and why you should continue to say no. His not talking to you since saying no should reveal to you what his motives were, and they don’t sound honorable.

  No, I don’t think you should remind him or even mention anything about how he’s hurt you by cutting off communication. If or when he begins to talk with you again and asks for money or financial assistance etc, simply tell him you can’t help him. Each time he asks, say the same thing, then tell him you trust he will find a solution to the money problems and do what is necessary to not let it happen anymore. You are not his personal bank or ATM machine. He HAS to learn to rely on himself, and that can only happen if his money source is cut off. Don’t give him ANY money, at all. Just say No.

• 47 Karen (2 comments.) // Apr 16, 2008 at 9:29 pm

  Lin–this is an amazing post and one that I am printing so that I can have it for future reference. I plan to share it with my adult son who is married and out of my house and mostly out of my pocket. But occasionally he asks for financial help and —yes I read your last comment above–the next time I will just say “no”. National Bank of Mom is closed for business.

  By the way, I am sending my sister a link to your blog. She has a 4 year old daughter she adopted in midlife. She can use the wisdom she’ll find here.

• 48 Lin (793 comments.) // Apr 16, 2008 at 9:42 pm

  Karen, thank you. This is a subject I am very passionate about, getting adult children to be financially responsible for themselves.

  Thank you also for telling your sister about my site. That’s a wonderful compliment, so thank you.

• 49 Debbie // Apr 17, 2008 at 6:49 am

  Hi Sol,
  I read your last thought on your son. I realized it was 2 weeks in which he did not get in touch after saying no. I have a son who also is not a phone person or a big one on visiting. That can be common in that age group. It is in their minds, all about them.

  Try and invite him over for lunch or if you have his address, send him a card. I send cards to my son all the time. It opens up communication and hopefully will bring you both closer.

  His motives, if there are any, will surface and it will be obvious. Otherwise, maybe there is potential for a real relationship.You may have said no to a loan but your heart says yes to your need for a loving tie. Let him know just how much you want him in your life. Good luck!

• 50 Lin (793 comments.) // Apr 17, 2008 at 7:20 am

  Debbie, that’s right. Sol can do those various things to try and keep the lines of communication open with her son, invite him over etc, so that he knows she is interested in having a relationship with him.

  Sol will find what his real motives are, and will either have a loving/respectful relationship with her for years to come, or she will discover it really is all about him and what he hopes to gain monetarily. Thanks!

• 51 SON IN-LAW NOT THE GENTLEMAN WHEN IT COMES TO THE TAB // Apr 25, 2008 at 12:30 pm

  My son in law for the past 3 yrs.. when ever the four of us go out never offers to pay haf or treat as my husband and I always do. I dread going cause I know the bill is on my husband. My son in-law and wife together have over $220,000. per year.. I hear they dine out all the time.. but one calls us. How do I handle this. My husband and I are always arguing thinks cause he’s the dad..it is his responsiblitly.

  Thanks
  JEC

• 52 Lin (793 comments.) // Apr 25, 2008 at 1:39 pm

  JEC, I can soooo relate to what you’re saying. We had to deal with that as well with the hubby’s son (my step-son) and wife who always seem to be conveniently “broke” everytime the four of us would make plans to go out to dinner together.

  We nipped it in the bud real quick. Each time there are plans being discussed to meet up at a restaurant together, we always tell the waiter/waitress “separate tickets please”.

  What was funny about doing that the first time was, these grown kids would initially be choosing to order some of the more expensive items on the menu, but when they understood they’d be paying for their own meal, their choice for dinner quickly changed to something much more affordable.

  We also make a point to ask, Got your wallet? before leaving for a restaurant. If they were to say No, the dinner plans are immediately cancelled/rescheduled for when the wallet and money is there.

  We are not an ATM machine, nor will we be treated like we “owe” grown kids anything.

  Be prepared to change plans/cancel them altogether the next time plans are being made. It will only get worse if it’s not stopped now. Oh, on Monday I will have a post you will surely be interested in checking out. It’s an interview with a well-known author on the subject of helping vs. enabling grown children. Stay tuned.

• 53 Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents | Telling It Like It Is // May 1, 2008 at 1:08 am

  […] Are Parents Helping or Enabling Their Adult Children? […]

• 54 Pat // May 11, 2008 at 8:49 pm

  My son left home when he was 17 due to a drug problem, he’s been gone almost 9 months, turned 18 about 4 months ago. He recently has emailing and wants to see us but I am reluctant to see him. He was violent and angry when he was doing drugs. He says he’s been clean for two months now. He seems very persistant to see us but says he isn’t expecting anything. I’m concerned to see him and asked him to work on rebuilding a relationship slowly. He has now asked to see his grandma who iwll be in town in a few weeks. She never saw him when he was using and I’m concerned that even with her there if I his dad or I say something wrong he’ll get upset and we may not see him again for another year. I would rather take it slowly and do emails, phone calls or letters. Does that sound reasonable?

• 55 Lin (793 comments.) // May 11, 2008 at 9:01 pm

  Hi Pat, I can understand your concern about your son, especially since it’s been such a short time that he’s been clean from drugs. At least as far as you know, based on what he’s telling you.

  I believe you have every right to set whatever boundaries and limits you feel comfortable with in rebuilding the relationship, and you should not feel pressured to do more than you feel is appropriate in the situation.

  It sounds very reasonable to me to rebuild the relationship slowly, as you need to see clear signs and proof that things have really changed, and the previous behaviors of anger and violence will not happen again. Two months of being without drugs is a start, but it’s only two months, if he’s being honest about it.

  Do whatever you feel comfortable and at ease about, taking things as slowly as you believe is necessary. You know him better than anyone else, and you have every reason to set the criteria as strict as you see fit. Listen to your instincts and intuition; let those guide you in how to proceed with your son. Good luck!

• 56 Hurt&Disappointed // May 15, 2008 at 2:26 pm

  My husband & I have two grown children in their mid to late 20’s. They were both taught, at a very young age, the value of a dollar and the importance of having good credit. We also taught them (we thought) to be self-sufficient.

  Our eldest, while living at home, proved to be a penny-pinching, self-sufficient, independent and hard-working individual. It all went downhill after marriage i.e. foreclosure, bankruptcy and repo.

  Our youngest, while living at home, proved to be a lazy, dependent and “what can you do next for me” individual.

  They don’t live with us; however, they are living in two of our rent homes. One is paying rent, and the other is supposed to be working for my husband and I on the weekends to pay for rent.

  To make a long story short, one is behind on the rent and the other is not helping. My husband and I are hurt and frustrated.

  We called a family meeting last night and asked them what their plans were. How were they going to move forward with their lives without any help from us. Sadly, neither one of them had an answer. They basically told us it was none of our business. I proceeded to tell them their financial situation was our business being that we’ve dished out over 15K to them. Neither one of them had a clue as to how much money we’ve given to them. They were upset with us because we confronted them.

  Unfortunately, we did not get through to them. They thought it was all about money. And, yes, money has a lot to do with the problem. They failed to understand that our main concern was how were they going to survive on their own.

  My husband and I are glad that we confronted them, but we are heart broken, sad, disappointed and hurt that we even had to address the situation. Confronting our grown kids was the hardest thing that we have ever done in our life.

  Our kids will probably try to punish us by not letting the grandkids call or come to visit. Yes, it will hurt us not seeing our grandkids, but our grandkids are being punished as well.

• 57 Lin (793 comments.) // May 15, 2008 at 3:46 pm

  Hurt & Disappointed, my heart goes out to both of you. You raised your children to beable to take care of themselves as grown adults, yet they use it against you in the family meeting and tell you it’s none of your business.

  Of course it’s your business!, and I’m happy that you both realize that and stood your ground with your kids.

  I applaud you for holding the meeting and finding out from your grown children what they intend to do about the situation. Sadly, the response they gave was disappointing to say the least.

  As sad and upsetting as it is, it’s good that you know the reality of how they feel and what their “plans” are about how to take care of themselves without help from mom and dad. The fact is, they have no plan, and they fully intend on tapping into “The bank of mom and dad” as often as the parent bank stays open.

  Mom and Dad, it’s time to completely close the bank. No help from either of you whatsoever. Zip, zero and nada. Not one penny more.

  If you don’t put a stop to it right now, I dare say that when the time comes for you two to retire, you will have very little money to live on. Then what?

  I strongly recommend that you not allow the children to continue living in your rent homes. You can find other tenants to rent those homes from you, and they will be people who show you and your property the respect that you are due.

  Their attitude is clear. They want and intend on things continuing as is, but as you know and mentioned, the way things are and have been are not good for your children and they’re not good for your grandchildren either. And it’s not good for either of you too.

  Using the grandchildren to build leverage against you two, or to ‘punish you’ is wrong, wrong, wrong. Disrespectful on every level that I can imagine.

  I recommend that you give the kids a set-in-stone timelimit of when they must be out of the houses, perhaps 60 days to give them time to find a new place, and deal with the issues they have brought on themselves.

  You were truly trying to help your children, but have used you both and are milking it for what it’s worth to them, and now it’s time to stop all help entirely.

  Even if they react in anger towards you both initially, over time they will learn the reality of what they have done to YOU. Hopefully the day will come in the not too far off future where they will come to you both and give you sincere apologies and tell you that you did the right thing by kicking them out of the house(s). Good luck! My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

• 58 Stephanie // May 21, 2008 at 10:35 am

  We have a 19 year old son who was following the rules, but now he’s not. We have identified a date where he must either be employed (25 hrs/min week) and enrolled in summer school or he’ll be paying us rent ($300/mo). We also pay for his cell phone, all his food and his medical insurance. We co-signed on his college loan for year one. He has no motivation whatsoever. But neither do his friends. Now he says he has no money to pay us by May 31 rent (I’m guessing he’s assuming he won’t be employed yet).

  My question is: If he doesn’t pay, what do we do next? Kick him out? Our older son already has painted us as devils for not financially supporting his excessive habits. Do we really pack up his stuff and send him on his way?

  This all hurts your heart. I’m not one to mince words. Work or pay. But I guess I haven’t thought about what if he can’t pay. Help!

• 59 Lin (793 comments.) // May 21, 2008 at 10:55 am

  Hi Stephanie, I completely understand how this is hurtful for you. Question….Why are you paying for your 19 yr old son’s cell phone? Since when is a cell phone a necessity that parents pay for, along with food, clothing and shelter? Why would your son WANT to be motivated to take care of his own responsibilities when he sees they can and will be taken care of for him? Sure, having a cell phone is a nice convenience, but it’s still a luxury and not required for living. Stop paying for his cell phone for starters.

  He “was” following the rules but now he’s not. What changed? Graduation from high school perhaps and suddenly he’s become lazy and unmotivated to make something of himself and be responsible for himself financially and in any other way? Not a good sign.

  I would never have recommended co-signing for the loan, as I’ve rarely ever heard of that turning out well. More often than not, the ‘child’ knows that mommie and daddy will pick up the tab if their loan payment is not made because if they don’t, their credit will be affected. Sounds to me like these kids have their parents in a headlock.

  Yes, if your son does not follow through with what you’ve stipulated are the rules and conditions, then absolutely kick him out of the house. He will not starve or live on the streets. He will most likely stay with a friend, or bounce from one friend to another, while coming to the tough realization that he can’t take advantage of his parents anymore and the bank of mom and dad is now closed.

  Need creates motivation; if the real need is not present (like being able to have a cell phone and food to eat), then why would a grown child develop the motivation to change if everything continues to be done for him? Be tough and stay tough, requiring your son to do what was decided as rules, and if/when he doesn’t follow through….out he goes.

  One more thing…he knows how hard it is on you and that it hurts you, and he’s counting on the emotional turmoil caused to control and manipulate you into allowing his lazy behavior to continue. Good luck!

• 60 Smilie Saturday: Linky Love Weekend Roundup Second Edition | Telling It Like It Is // May 24, 2008 at 5:03 am

  […] Up With Our Parents: The Decline of the Professional Middle Class” by author Nan Mooney. Entitlement issues has always been a topic that bothers me immensely, and anyone that has been a subscribed reader of […]

• 61 Any ideas? // Jun 4, 2008 at 6:21 am

  November last year, I turned 18. I still live with my mother, and if it’s up to her, that’s not going to change anytime soon.

  When I was sixteen, my mother left for another city to find work, since there weren’t many options in the rural area where we lived. I moved to live with my grandfather, who was left alone since his wife, my grandmother, passed away the year before. He had made a room for me in the basement, divided from the rest of the house by a wooden wall with a door and a window. Though the room was tiny (it contained a bed and a cabinet, with almost no space left to squeeze through), I could also use my grandmother’s old closet ustairs an had my uncle’s house to go to (he lived a few blocks away). I was never asked for rent, though I did chores around the house (doing my grandfather’s laundry along with my own, etc.).

  The basement room, however, had old, thin walls and combined with the wet area where the house stood, this eventually flooded the room. I then moved in with my uncle, where I had a much larger room, as well as my own laptop (a gift from my mother) which I used for schoolwork. By this time, the final years of high school were starting, so I often worked all the way into the night, even though my uncle, who slept one door away, had to get out of bed early for work (he always said the lights in my room didn’t bother him). My uncle, too, never wanted any rent, athough his income was below average and I did use gas, water and electricity. I practically lived alone (though I visited my mother during weekends), since my uncle either worked overtime or was off to his hockey club all evening. I kept the house tidy and did my own cooking and laundry (by hand, saves water and the dye in some of my clothes was water soluble, it would’ve been disastrous in a washing machine). I never did any cooking or laundry for my uncle, since he didn’t like my weird Indonesian cooking style and was afraid I’d neatly store his clothes in places where he couldn’t find them.

  All this time I have never had a job, since my mother was against it, and though I never went out and rarely spent money on frivolous things, I have always felt that this might be wrong, as if I lived like some parasite.

  Recently, at the start of the holidays, I moved in with my mother, even though she lives in a small apartment. Since she works a fulltime job, I do the housework, shopping, laundry and cooking for both of us. My mother also puts me in charge of the money whenever we go shopping together, since she knows I will only buy the things we need and nothing more. However, I still do not have a job, and although I have already enrolled at a college not too far from here, my mother insists on paying for that as well. She is not in a bad way financially, but I don’t want to live off her for years.
  Some time ago, my mother came up with a plan. When I finish college, we should find a house and live together until she dies. To prove her point, she uses the India argument, as well as things like “this is the way people have lived for years” and “Western culture is just wrong”. She has constructed a whole future based around this idea.
  I don’t want to become one of those 40-years olds who live completely dependent on their parents, but to just shatter my mother’s dreams sounds too harsh. I’m afraid I might be missing out on valuable lessons.

  I know this is kind of a long post, but I don’t mean to complain, argue, or make my family members look bad. All I’m looking for is some insight.
  Have I been spoiled/enabled or am I running the risk of becoming that?
  (PS: post got a little out of hand, thanks for reading the whole thing)

• 62 Lin (793 comments.) // Jun 4, 2008 at 7:14 am

  Hi Any Ideas and welcome to the site. Culture influences have a lot to do with your situation. As you said, you are only 18 and soon to enter college and begin your life as an adult.

  It seems rather odd to me that your mother did not take you with her when she moved because of a job when you were only 16 and had to live with other relatives for a time. Why was that ok with your mom but now she believes the two of you should live together for the rest of your life? My first thought was that perhaps she’s feeling a sense of guilt (but I can’t know for sure of course) for leaving you behind, and now is using the culture to keep you tied to her. Hmm.

  Since you are only 18 and about to go to college, it’s too soon to tell if this is a case of enabling or not. At least not right now. But if your mom’s idea is for you to stay with her, buy a house together and live together, than it very easily lead to a case of enabling. She may be having difficulty in “letting go” since she realizes you are 18 and about to begin your grown up life.

  Being on your own, living on your own, taking care of and paying for your own bills and adult responsibilities separate and apart from your mother will be very good for you personally. Staying with your mom and continuing to live with her well into your adulthood will hinder your growth and advancement in life, and will negatively affect your relationships or marriage when the time comes.

  It seems to me that your mom is afraid. She seems to be scared of losing you and losing the connection she has with you, but she has to understand you are grown now and must move on with your own life. Holding you back and keeping you with her would be um…selfish of her.

  Go to school, get your job and move out and move on with your life. If your job and preferences allow you to stay and live relatively close to your mom’s place, that would be reasonable and she would appreciate being able to see you and talk to you regularly. But living with her should not be an option at all. You need, want and deserve to live your life as you see fit, just like she did and has. Good luck!

• 63 Adora // Jun 6, 2008 at 11:18 pm

  When is enough, enough? My 22yr old daughter has been going to college (she is eligible for grants) for over three years now. She also has a part time job. She could have lived with us for free but she chose to move into an apt. w/ a roommate. She said she could handle paying her rent but that has never been the case. We have always paid her rent, we paid off her car a few months ago, we pay her full coverage insurance bill, and we give her money when she asks for it. My husband and I live from paycheck to paycheck. We have no savings, no health ins. and no life ins. We live on less than a half acre land it has an older mobile home on it that we are constantly making repairs on and trying to make it a decent place to live. I have my own vehicle but my husband drives a company vehicle. If he were to lose his job we would have only one vehicle between us. We have been trying to save money for our obvious needs but between our bills and our daughters bills that’s impossible. I feel like my daughter is living above our means and asking too much of us. I sure need some advice. Thank you.

• 64 Lin (793 comments.) // Jun 7, 2008 at 7:25 am

  Adora, today is the day to close the bank of mom and dad. Completely close the bank and lock it down, throw away the key. Not one more penny is to be given to your daughter, or to go towards any of her bills, even when she comes begging for help. As you said, enabling your daughter has put you and your husband in a financial mess, and it’s time to take stock of your situation.

  Your daughter is only working part time and going to college. She hasn’t been paying her own rent, and you and your husband have been paying her rent on a place she chose to move into. You’ve paid off her car, and you and your husband are paying for her insurance. Bad idea.

  Read again some red flag statements you’ve made:

  1. She only works part time.
  2. She’s going to college.
  3. She chose to live in an apartment with a roommate but hasn’t even paid her own rent.

  She’s an adult now. She chooses whatever she chooses for her life, and mom and dad are paying her way. From her perspective, she’s got a pretty good deal going on, wouldn’t you say? Except it’s putting you and your husband in the poor house, where if your husband lost his job things would be very rough for you, and you both don’t have insurance coverage for your own needs.

  It’s time to get tough with yourself and your daughter. Understand that while you have been trying to help your daughter, she is the one who should be helping herself and being financially responsible. If she can’t pay her own rent and bills working part time, she needs to get a full time job, while still going to college. Kids do it all the time, working full time while at the same time going to school, and your daughter needs to be working full time.

  What would motivate her to help herself in ways that eliminate your financial help? Need. Need creates motivation. As long as you and your husband are fulfilling her needs, financial and otherwise, she will not be motivated to help herself.

  Tell your daughter that you will not be able to give her any more money, or help her pay her bills or buy her food etc from this day forward. Tell her she will have to find the means to pay her own way, even if it means she has to work a full time job AND a part time job on weekends all while going to college. Remember, kids will do whatever they have to do to get what they want/need, because where the need is, motivation is there too or else they’d starve to death. That’s called being grown up. Taking care of our own bills, buying our own food, paying our own insurance and taking care of our own needs. Saying NO to ourselves to purchases we can’t afford in order to ensure our bills are paid and we have a roof over our heads. She’s not going to “grow up” until you cut those financial apron strings. One important thing to mention as well: Do not allow her to move back home with you if/when she can’t pay her rent or pay her bills. That would be putting her right back into the same scenario where all her needs/wants are being taken care of for her, rather than doing it herself for herself, and your financial situation would remain as it is right now if not worse than it is now. Not more money Adora, not one penny. Tough Love. Good luck!

• 65 adora // Jun 10, 2008 at 7:16 pm

  Hello, thank you for your response but I feel that cutting my daughter off completely from financial help while she is going through college would be down right harsh. It might be exactly what she truely needs to learn to be independent but she is my only child and I would feel like a bad, cold parent and feel guilty. But on the other hand, she is keeping us in the poor house, as you said. In return for our constant financial help I have asked her to come over and mow the lawn. She has mowed our lawn maybe four times in the three years we have been living in this new home but not b/c I haven’t asked for more help. She is a stunningly beautiful young woman, from head to toe. I’m not just saying that b/c I’m her mother. Everybody thinks that and tells me so. She has had the same boyfriend for more than a year now. She has never introduced him to us. We live in the same city but the only time we see her are holidays and when she briefly pops over to p/u money that she asks us for. The other night she poped over to p/u some money that she had to have for college that day or her classes would be canceled. It was on a Thursday and the amount she needed was all we had. It enptied our pockets! We have asked her numerous times to give us a few days notice so we could make room for it in the weekly budget. But she did it again. She was driving her boyfriends brand new large p/u truck b/c her inspection sticker was out on her car. This said to me, even though we are paying almost all of her bills she is waiting and expecting her parents to pay for and take care of that for her too. I thought that if her boyfriend is financially able to afford a brand new vehicle then why wouldn’t he offer to pay for her vehicle inspection which is only forty dollars. I asked her about that. She said she doesn’t ask him for financial help b/c they aren’t married. I asked if they were having sexual relations. She said yes. I said that is what married people do and it is not improper to ask your boyfriend for financial help, esp, if you are in need. She phoned my husband crying and said that I told her to be a prostitute to her boyfriend and it caused so much trouble between us. I need advice.

• 66 Lin (793 comments.) // Jun 10, 2008 at 8:11 pm

  Adora, the things you are describing here are exactly what grown children do to their parents that put the parents in a position of continuous enabling.

  These children will continue to ask for money until. Until when? Until the parents take a firm stand and not give them anymore money. When these children realize that they cannot use their parents as their personal ATM machine, then and only then will the requests for more and more money stop and the kids finally start taking care of themselves as adults.

  Not giving your daughter anymore money would be the best help you could possibly give her. Not only would it teach her that she has to stand on her own two feet as an adult and take care of her own needs, it would also help you and your husband get into a better financial situation yourselves as you rightly deserve.

  Let me quote what you said, “I feel that cutting my daughter off completely from financial help while she is going through college would be down right harsh. It might be exactly what she truely needs to learn to be independent but she is my only child and I would feel like a bad, cold parent and feel guilty.”

  In order for your daughter to be independent financially and in any other way, you must realize that you feeling “like a bad, cold parent and feeling guilty” is exactly how kids get their parents to continue giving and giving until they have nothing at all left to give. In order words, in the poor house themselves. Getting your daughter to behave like an adult requires you to deal with your feelings of “guilt”, learn to let go in every way, as I talk about in my article How to stop enabling. Remember Adora, this is not about you and it can’t be about you and your guilt feelings, but the focus must be on getting your daughter to be independent on her own. That is what it means to stop enabling adult children, and that is why I say to stop giving her money.

• 67 Adora // Jun 16, 2008 at 11:19 pm

  Hello, it’s me again. My daughter and I haven’t phoned each other in weeks. I’ve been doing soul searching about how I need to feel about the situation w/ her. I am writing you today to ask what you think about the Father’s day card she gave to her dad today. She chose a card that had written on the cover that read, “Dad, I don’t think I can repay you for all the time and money you’ve spent on me…” The inside read, “You aren’t going to bill me are you?” (A few weeks ago I asked my daughter if she would start paying back the money we would give her b/c, dad needed a vehicle and we didn’t have any savings whatsoever). She wrote on the card, ” I look up to you and respect you more than anyone I’ve meet in my 22 years.” (Compliment for him, insult for me). “I notice how much you do for me and how hard you work so I don’t have to and I am blessed to have such an amazing Dad. I love you so much Dad”. To me, her card says, I hope you are not going to ask me to repay the money you give me and keep up the hard work old man so you can keep giving to me and I won’t have to be in desperate financial need for as long as you are able to make money. Do you think I am reading too much between the lines or do you agree w/ me. What are your thoughts about this? Thank you.

• 68 Lin (793 comments.) // Jun 17, 2008 at 5:25 am

  Hi Adora, wow. Considering the situation we’ve been discussing lately about your daughter, that card would have offended me too.

  The real “zinger” is where you say she wrote, “I notice how much you do for me and how hard you work so I don’t have to” blah blah blah.

  If that card were given to me or my husband, I’d be very upset, regardless of whether the card was Father’s Day or not. At first, the card seemed sort of tame (the pre-printed front), but it’s really the part she personally wrote on the inside of the card that tells me (and obviously you too) that there is much more to be understood in that card than might meet the eye.

  So, No I don’t think you’re reading too much into it. I understand the card to mean exactly the same as you do. Very poor choice of a card, and very poor choice of words to add inside. It definitely would give me concrete proof of her intentions as far as receiving money from here on out. The chances that she’ll pay anything back is (in my opinion) slim to none, so I would be inclined not to give her one more penny. No matter what “emergency” she comes up with in the future. Gosh, how sad that your daughter would insult you and your husband this way.

• 69 Jazz // Jul 16, 2008 at 5:32 am

  The situation with our adult son, who is almost 30, is causing us tremendous stress. In the past year, I have lost a sister, a brother-in-law, a best friend diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and had to put my 90 year old mother in a nursing home. My disabled husband suffered two devastating strokes and my beloved cat is in kidney failure. During all of this, our son moved back home. I thought that he would be a comfort, but the opposite happened. He will do his own laundry, cook once in a blue moon, and takes out the trash. He brings his 18 month old son to our home every other weekend, no matter what my plans are, and leaves the baby with us while he works. I’m never “asked” if I will watch the baby and after baby goes back to his mom’s, I’m left with cleaning the entire house. My son had told me he was moving out in August, but went out and bought a new car, leaving him with a high car payment and insurance through the roof, and I doubt he can afford to move out. Last night was the final straw. I had moved all of his and baby’s things that were left strewn through the house onto his bed. He yelled at me and said I had broken his lap top and grabbed some of his clothes, saying “I’ll be back tomorrow to get my things. I see how you are.” I have a full time job and am the sole support of the family. I have tried talking with my son in the past and have asked him to help out more (he’s always too tired), help me paint the living room (he won’t, because he hates to paint), help me with a web project for work (he’s too busy)…you get the picture. I’m emotionally spent from the past year and I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m heartbroken and feeling very used. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

• 70 Lin (793 comments.) // Jul 16, 2008 at 6:00 am

  Hi Jazz, I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure all of this stress and heartache with losing people you love and the stress of putting your mother in a nursing home. I know how hard that must be for you, as we’ve been there ourselves not too long ago.

  I’m so glad you got tough with your son and dumped his and his child’s stuff on the bed. You made a very clear point and it was obviously needed, as your son really appears to be taking advantage of the situation in many ways. Good for you that you made it perfectly clear that your home isn’t to be treated like a dumping ground.

  His assumptions that you will take care of his child, without so much as asking you if you could or wanted to, is presumptuous beyond imagination. His doing his own laundry etc is only the basics of what he should and could have been doing while staying in your home, but he obviously had no intention of doing anything that would be of real help to you or your husband, and assumed he could do as he pleased while living under your roof.

  Let him come and get his stuff, and fight the urge to feel guilty at all by anything he may say to “dig” into you emotionally. Guilt trips and personal attacks such as his comment “I see how you are” are ridiculously immature. He’s almost 30 and using those whiny words in order to make you feel bad and initiate guilt feelings for you.

  Let him come and get his stuff, no matter what. If it is easier for you to not be there and deal with his nonsense when he picks his stuff up, then by all means have your husband or another relative or close friend be there instead. You may (if you have time and the ability) want to gather as much of his stuff and put it all in large trash bags or boxes (if you have any around), and have them by the front door. When he comes back to get his stuff, perhaps with the idea of staying longer, he’ll see that’s not going to happen and will need to take his stuff and go. If that’s not possible for you to gather up much of his belongings, it’s understandable of course. Just don’t back down. Don’t let him stay another day/night. Today is the day for him to realize in full force that he’s been taking advantage of you and your home, and now he has to deal with the consequences of his own choices.

  His new car? HA! Buying a car with or without a high car payment is his personal choice, and he must deal with any consequences that come with that choice, including the possibility of having to return the car or sell it etc in order to financially take care of himself and his child in their own place. Remember, the car was his choice, not yours, so don’t allow any attempts of guilt trips to get under your skin.

  Since right now would be emotionally charged for him coming to get his stuff, now would not be the best time to have a talk with your son about the what, why, where, when and how everything fell apart. Let him get his stuff, and let some time pass (perhaps a week) and then if he’s willing to talk, then explain to him in a calm but firm manner how his being there, along with his attitude and unwillingness to help you, and his assumptions about taking care of his child, were hurtful to you.

  Stand up for yourself, and let him know that you love him and his child, but you will not be taken advantage of. Tell your son that his living with you was not an invitation for free and assumed babysitting whenever the child came. You’ve been taken advantage of by your son, and now he needs to deal with the consequences of his own poor choices and be a man, and move out and on his own. Don’t let him move back in, no matter what. If he’s angry, he’ll get over it. You have the right to be treated with dignity and respect, and it’s obvious those two words aren’t currently in his vocabulary. Good for you that you stood up for yourself! I’m so proud of you! Hugs to you!

• 71 Jazz // Jul 20, 2008 at 7:21 am

  Thank you so much for your concern and for taking the time to provide such great advice! Before I found this web site, I felt very much alone. Just knowing that there are others facing difficult situations with adult children eases my mind, although my heart goes out to each person going through hard times. As I look back at all we’ve sacrificed to allow him to come home, my guilt is starting to fade. I gave up my home office and over half of my collection of books to make room for him and baby. I’ve been going to work a couple of hours early to catch up on projects that I could have done at home. We’ve purchased organic foods for baby, bought baby furniture, countless diapers and other baby needs. This has stretched our budget. But our son has gone to major league football games, taken vacations, and pretty much spent his money on himself without offering us a single penny. I’ve watched him spend countless hours on his laptop playing video games while his disabled dad has struggled to do simple tasks, and chooses not to offer help. When