Is there really a difference between helping and enabling? What is enabling? What are the causes and effects of this behavior on both the “enabler” and the person being “helped”? Helping is doing something for someone else that they are unable to do for themselves. Enabling is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves. So, why is there so much confusion between the two?
We have many opportunities in our lives to help someone else, whether it be amongst those of our own families, close friends or complete strangers. Perhaps someone you know has become ill, and you help them by arranging and bringing meals to them until they are well enough to do it for themselves again. A friend’s car may be in the shop getting fixed and you help them by driving them to and from work until their car is in good running order again. Maybe someone you know has run into a bit of bad luck and is in need of temporary financial help to tide them over for awhile until their situation improves. Did you notice the optimal word, “until”? Providing temporary help to someone in need exemplifies kindness and consideration towards the receiver of help, but it also makes us feel wonderful inside when we are able to do so. But it is still temporary.
What then is enabling?
Enabling is entirely a different matter, but oftentimes gets confused as “help” by well-intentioned family members, friends and even neighbors. Remember, enabling is doing things for someone else that they CAN and SHOULD be doing for themselves. Many people think of enabling strictly in regards to alcoholics or drug addicts, whose family and friends make excuses for unacceptable behaviors, thus creating an atmosphere of comfort and ease for the situation to continue long-term. Enabling vs. helping has a much broader meaning, encompassing many areas of life, including raising children to become independent adults rather than contributing to the increasing phenomenon of grown children returning home to live with their parents. When we enable addicts, children, friends or family, we are preventing them from experiencing the consequences of their own actions. We are not only preventing them from realizing they have a problem, but we are also depriving them of fully reaching their own potential.
Examples of enabling behaviors-
Sharon is an 36 year-old woman who can and should be working to care for her two small children, but she’s not. She has her own apartment that she shares with her children, and her own car. Sharon hasn’t worked a day in the last six years, since giving birth to her second child. Why? Because her mother and two sisters are paying all of Sharon’s bills, covering bounced checks and bank fees, buying all her groceries, paying her car payment each month, and even gives Sharon spending money. Sharon is not sick, she is not mentally or physically disabled in any way, but she has found a way of avoiding the responsibilities that go with being an adult with the “help” of her family.
Paul is a 28 year-old man who, although working full-time in the construction industry and making a very good income, is still living at home with his parents. All of his free time is spent watching television or playing video games, while others in the household carry full responsibility for paying the mortgage, utilities, household chores etc., while Paul remains stationery on the couch or in his bedroom. Paul is in good health, fully capable of providing for himself, but can’t think of a valid reason why he should be living on his own. His money is spent on month-long trips out of the country, purchasing movies and video games to add to his collection, and buying new clothes. Why? Because the parents are enabling Paul by allowing him to continue living with them, when he can and should be living on his own as an adult.
The Best Of Intentions Often Back-fire
Helping someone in need is truly admirable, until. Enabling someone is not so admirable, fraught with complications that can last indefinitely. Society tells us that a “good” mother or father gives their children everything they themselves never had. Society tells us to try and make things “easier” for our children, but where has this idea really gotten us?
Being an enabler has it’s own payoff, with a false sense of control over the lives of others. Well-intentioned parents, friends and even strangers can often find themselves feeling frustrated, resentful and used, but lack the will to stop the enabling. The “help” provided to those lacking the motivation and determination to stand on their own two feet has become a long-term expectation and outright demand by many. Are you an enabler?
Turning Enabling Behaviors Into Positive Potential-
Friends, family, neighbors, co-workers etc must learn to redirect their “helping” efforts with Tough Love, allowing persons to recognize and accept the responsibilities and consequences of their own choices, rather than enabling the continuance of unacceptable behaviors to the detriment of everyone involved. Take responsibility for any enabling behaviors, which is considered by some experts to be akin to abuse, realizing that creating positive change in someone being “helped” will not only have a positive impact on them but on you as well. There really is a difference between helping and enabling, but it is up to you to choose whether to continue on this path or to put a stop to it now.
Children Who Refuse To Grow Up
Are Parents Helping Or Enabling Their Adult Children?
Are You An Enabler? Identifying Early Warning Signs of Enabling Behaviors
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around him. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors.
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20 responses so far ↓
1 Hungry Mother (43 comments.) // Jan 23, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Wow, you picked a tough one this time. It’s soooo hard to know when your help is hindering. I was told by a psychiatrist that the recipient of the help should be the one to determine it, but that kind of honesty is hard for a needful person.
2 Lin (410 comments.) // Jan 24, 2008 at 12:46 pm
HM, I don’t think it’s that difficult at all to determine the difference between helping and enabling. I wrote about this because it’s an important topic to me, and I wanted to bring further awareness of this problem.
3 Change Your Tree » Blog Archive » Friday Friends #7 // Jan 25, 2008 at 8:58 am
[…] » Many (read a whole lot) people don’t know the difference between helping someone and enabling them. Not only do they often cross the line, it seems they don’t even know the line is there. Telling It Like It Is has a great article to help you find the line and stay on the right side of it: Helping and Enabling - Is There a Difference? […]
4 JHS (7 comments.) // Jan 27, 2008 at 2:33 am
Great article. Thanks for contributing this post to this week’s edition of the Carnival of Family Life, hosted at Confessions of a Novice. The Carnival will be live on Monday, January 28, 2008, so be sure to stop by and check out all of this week’s excellent submissions!
5 DBJ // Feb 3, 2008 at 7:37 pm
At 59 I had one of my 8 children move home with me. The circumstances are that she had just had her 4th child (none of the others live with her). In the hospital this daughter told the authorities to check the baby for Meth because she was a meth user. Sure enough the baby tested positive and the state took him into foster care.
The morning after my daughters first night back where she had been living and using she called and asked if she and her boyfriend could move in with us because they realized that they could not get straight and get their baby back if they stayed in their current place. We let them move in that afternoon much to the dismay of several of her siblings (we have 7 daughters and 1 son). Those who disagreed with our actions said we were enabling the mother rather than helping her.
That was just over two months ago. In that time the mother and father have both entered a very strict drug court program, put over $1000 in the bank, bought a car (no, they did not have a car prior to this), got one of their drivers license back (the other has to pay over $2000 in fines before he can apply to get his back), got a job and attend over 7 NA or AA meetings each week on top of the mandated group and counseling sessions.
When they moved in the agreement was for them to be out in their own apartment by January 1. They have searched for apartments but when their background checks come back they are turned down.
They have not used since the babies birth (they are under court mandated drug screening at least 4 times per week).
This daughter left me holding a huge credit card debt a few years ago which strained her relationship with the rest of the family. Also, she is not the nuturing type which has lead some of her siblings to question if she should get the baby back at all.
I had not mentioned that another of my daughters is now the foster parent of the baby.
Are you totally confused now??? Sorry but I could write for a soap opera if given the chance.
Anyway, I am pushing the mother and father hard to find an apartment but feel that as long as they are clean, working their programs, and working towards getting the baby back that letting them live here is more of a help than an enabling situation.
I would love to get feedback from any and all on this.
DJ
6 Lin (410 comments.) // Feb 3, 2008 at 8:33 pm
DBJ,
My heart breaks for you and the family in this situation. I’m so sorry things got to this point and that you are having to deal with the situation as it is.
I’m happy to know the kids have gotten into drug treatment and are at least at the moment trying to put one foot in front of the other, and straighten out their own lives, as well as ensure the happiness of their child.
From everything you’ve said here, I can tell you are struggling with this situation, but also want to do what is best not only for yourself but also the kids. I’m not at all confused by the story.
My concern is where you mention the deadline of Jan. 1st, but background checks have prevented the kids from getting into their own apartment. I’m also concerned that you’ve been stuck with a credit card debt, and what possibilities there are for this type thing happening again.
I would suggest trying to locate apartments that do not require a background check, or perhaps a small rental home being managed by the private owner, even though it may mean a “sub standard” location. The goal is get them back out on their own, being responsible for themselves, and work their way back into a nicer location. Remember, they put themselves in the position they’re in, and they need to deal with the consequences even though it’s hard.
I do not recommend co-signing for an apartment at all. I’m totally against that, as more often than not, the parent gets left holding the bag/debt.
The sooner they are back out on their own, in their own place, the better. If you can help them by locating an affordable place where background checks are not required, then by all means help in that way. But do not put the new place in your name, or co-sign a lease. You’ve already been burned on that and you don’t need it to happen again.
Carefully consider the concerns of the family, and their point of view, and balance it all with what you know to be right for your situation. Just don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.
If you have any further questions, feel free to contact me. Good luck to you hon!
7 DBJ // Feb 3, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Thank you LIN for your comments.
First, you are spot on with your advice to not cosign in any way with them. They were told that from the beginning…She had her chance and blew it. In fact, since getting clean she is, for the first time talking about that debt. I have already deducted that amount from what she will get as an inheritance at my death to try to make it equal for my other children.
And yes, they have looked and continue to look for apartments that do not do background checks. They looked at one today and were hopeful about getting it. They have gone so far as to offer the required deposit plus two months rent held in escrow to ensure the proper payment is made but their background must be pretty soiled.
The second part of this is the split in what was a very close family. Things are getting better but there is a lot of healing to do.
Thank you again for your counsel and wisdom. I am open to a lot more.
DJ
8 Lin (410 comments.) // Feb 3, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Sounds like things are rolling right along, and the kids will be on their own very soon, as it should be. Good job!
Stick to your guns, do not relent to any requests for monetary assistance before or after they are out of the house. Allow them to handle their own affairs, as that is part of being grown up. The good, bad and the ugly.
Boy, do I ever understand the split in the family. It will take time, because once there has been so much hurt, disappointment and tremendous lack of respect shown (the old debt for example and you holding the bag), it takes quite awhile to very slowly begin to build some mutual respect back.
The ball in really in their court so to speak, so keep close watch over any signs of being manipulated, and squash it immediately. Remember, you love them, you are the mom, not their doormat. Or their bank account.
You may be interested in checking out an article in my archives called Closing The Bank Of Mom and Dad
Please do let me know how things are going, and when they’ve gotten back out on their own. I’ll be thinking about you.
9 DBJ // Feb 3, 2008 at 11:15 pm
Thanks again LIN.
I need the article on closing the bank!
BTW, I am the dad.
Thanks again,
DJ
10 Krista // Feb 4, 2008 at 8:07 am
2 months ago, my husband and I agreed to let his newly pregnant 23 year old daughter move in with us. Her 55 year old boyfriend had kicked her out. She prostituted off and on (for drugs) using no birth control and became pregnant not knowing who the father is.
She has not used any drugs since finding out she was pregnant and truly wants to change and be a good mother for her child. We allowed her to move in due to the fact that her pregnancy is high-risk since she had 3 prior miscarriages, with doctor’s recommendations that she not work.
She is now 4 and 1/2 months along and continues to have daily vomiting and daily migraines. She has an upcoming neurologist appointment for the migraines since she has a seizure disorder. Also, if she is on her feet too long, she passes out, which her OB has said is common as the body adjusts to varying blood pressure.
Therefore, we have not told her to get a job at this time. She plans to begin classes at a local tech school next month. She has been told that we expect her to keep the kitchen, livingroom, and bathroom cleaned. Whenever she is confronted with the fact that she fails to do ALL of these rooms she immediately cops an attitude, especially towards my husband. She and my husband have longstanding issues stemming from her upbringing and therefore do not get along well.
What is reasonable for us to expect her to do and not do so that we do not enable her? The best thing for her and the baby would be to stay with us at least until the baby is several months old, considering she doesn’t have a clue about how to raise a newborn. However, she is not completing the chores she was asked to do. She does the dishes, takes out the trash sometimes, and has vacuumed twice. Other than that, she sits around all day watching TV and surfing the internet. Additionally, she feels that my two sons, ages 15 and 12, should be helping with those chores we asked of her.
Suggestions? Thoughts? Help!
11 Lin (410 comments.) // Feb 4, 2008 at 9:18 am
Hello Krista, what a difficult situation you are facing. Okay, a couple of things you mentioned concern me and are sending off “red flags” in my mind.
She has a “high risk pregnancy”, a history of miscarriage, is recommended by her doctor that she not work, but she’s about to begin college classes next month.
She is under doctor care, being evaluated for migraines and a seizure disorder, experiences daily vomiting, isn’t supposed to work but she’ll be going to college next month.
If she is on her feet “too long” she passes out, but she’s about to begin college classes, requiring her to walk and be on her feet. Whether it’s a job or attending college, both require walking and being on her feet for periods of time, but she’d be getting paid to hold down a job.
If she can manage the walking/sitting to attend college, why can she not manage the walking/sitting being an office receptionist or some other job that includes a lot of sitting? I’m not suggesting she go against her doctor’s advice, but I find it curiously odd that she can handle going to college but not a job.
She isn’t doing the chores you have requested, cops an attitude, becomes confrontational, but basically sits around watching TV and surfing the net. And to top it off, she wants to tell you how to parent your two sons, and tells you that the boys should be doing these chores.
Krista, I’m sorry, but I believe you have a time bomb waiting to go off.
It appears as though she is pretty content with this arrangement, and is seeking to milk it for everything it’s worth. Do the least amount of work, least amount of helping herself with her self-made situation, attempt/succeed in controlling her environment with confrontations, but reap the benefits of being told not to get a job but rather spend her days going to college and being a couch potato. On and off her feet no less.
You believe “The best thing for her and the baby” is to stay with you until the baby is several months old, “because she doesn’t have a clue about how to raise a newborn”. Oh Krista. Think about that and ask yourself if it’s really “best for her and the baby”, or if it would simply make you feel better and not feel guilty?
She is an adult, twenty three years old, and if she doesn’t know anything about raising and caring for an infant, she needs to immediately begin reading tons of books relating to caring for babies, perhaps including parenting classes to at least teach her the basics.
If she isn’t taught these things, separate and apart from your personal instruction, she will rely on you for everything with the baby and perhaps even manipulate situations in her favor, where you may find yourself being more the mother of this child than the mother is.
I’m afraid the “grandma” heartstrings will be tugging very hard on you, finding yourself being manipulated into becoming a surrogate mom to this child, with the real mom feigning ignorance with crying spells, whining and confrontations. “I’m sooo tired, I can’t stand getting up in the middle of the night to a crying baby. I NEED my sleep!”
I want to tell you what I would do if it were me, but ultimately the decision is yours of course. I would type out a “contract” involving all the rules you’ve established for her to be able to stay in your home, each of the chores clearly defined so she can’t throw it back at you later.
Establish an absolute, “written in stone” deadline date where she will have to be out of the house after the baby is born, but “several months” is way too long in my opinion.
Include a loving reminder that, while you and your husband are wanting to help her, neither of you will be doing “for” her. Suggest some books about caring for infants, stating that it’s her responsibility not yours.
Finish off the contract with a clearly defined statement that she is welcome to stay until (insert date), but the contract will be null and void if she fails to fulfill the chores and/or rules of your home. No disrespect, no confrontations, no backtalk, etc. ***Then be prepared to act on that should it happen. I can almost bet she will push the envelope and push the boundaries as far as she can.***
Good luck!
12 Change Your Tree » Blog Archive » I Want to Change My Family Tree Carnival #3 // Feb 11, 2008 at 9:33 am
[…] Burress presents Helping and Enabling - Is There A Difference? posted at Telling It Like It […]
13 Perfect Wealth Formula (1 comments.) // Mar 25, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Great article. This is one of the things I have become very aware of since becoming a parent. I want my child to learn consequences and responsibility at a young age–when the cost of failure is low. Then, as they reach adulthood, they will have already learned many “life” lessons.
14 Are You An Enabler? Identifying Early Warning Signs of Enabling Behaviors | Telling It Like It Is // Mar 31, 2008 at 4:01 am
[…] received an email yesterday from a parent who has read my previous posts regarding helping and enabling adult children, and is seeking help with her teenage son’s bad attitude and behavior problems. Since her child […]
15 Sol // Apr 1, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Thankyou sooooo much for your quick response!
16 Are Parents Helping Or Enabling Their Adult Children? | Telling It Like It Is // Apr 3, 2008 at 6:58 pm
[…] that’s what they’re used to, and because they haven’t learned that there is a difference between helping and enabling. They weren’t born, or were very young children, during the years their parents struggled to […]
17 How To Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us | Telling It Like It Is // Apr 10, 2008 at 9:05 pm
[…] Helping and Enabling: Is There a Difference? […]
18 Sab (2 comments.) // May 7, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Hello, I loved your article, and I totally agree with you. I am an adult child who married into an “enabling” family.
The family owns a farm which is in high debt and struggling… I take care of the farm finances and have noticed for a long time now a huge problem. The actual business expenses are fine… it’s the personals that are terrible. There are two sons working on the farm. I have worked with my hubby and we decreased our hydro, fuel, etc which are expenses covered by the farm… the other brother is recieving almost double what we do due to these other expenses he incurrs. Then there are two other brothers that do not live or work on the farm, are on their own, and the farm is paying for their vehicle/fuel/phone. We have talked to everyone about this situation, and one of the brothers is paying a small percentage back of what the farm pays monthly, but the others do nothing, and are mad at us for saying anything.
We are pregnant, and we are also planning on taking over the farm (which will be awhile of course). The succession and estate plan is all well laid out… problem is whenever we bring this up to dad he just shoves it off as if it isn’t as big a deal as we say. I’ve shown him the numbers too, what it means for the farm. It’s HUGE! He’s so afraid of making these others mad to where they won’t communicate with him anymore and end up resentful (meanwhile, the one lives days away and only phones when he wants money).
I’m tired of this situation. My husband is tired of being the “bad guy” and having all our efforts undermined by a too-giving father. I don’t know what to do. We’ve even thought of going to the farm’s lender to ask them to force dad to stop with these things… and the lenders have told him to stop before and he hasnt… just tried to hide it in paperwork a little better. Part of me wants to give it all up, but dad has invested in us to take over and if we leave, the farm will be sold. I feel trapped, and I’m not the enabler. Does anyone have any advice? I’ve grown up that you don’t talk to your parents like they are wrong… this is extremely difficult for me.
Note: I’ve attempted a “pay both brothers the same” thing, where all farm priveleges are cut off and we each have to budget them like normal families. This “won’t work”. I’m trying to see if we can do this in steps…
The one off farm brother will not talk to us since we’ve asked him again to take over his payments (dad doesn’t want to deal with it, but is vocal in his distaste of it). I’ve been keeping track and part of me wants to be evil and give him a statement for what he spent of farm money in 2007… but again, this feels wrong as he’s a brother, not a child.
19 Lin (410 comments.) // May 8, 2008 at 5:39 am
Sab, this situation definitely sounds very difficult. You’ve said the father has expressed dislike for the situation but is more concerned about everyone not being angry at him, and no longer talking to him if changes are made.
From what you’ve said, it really does seem to be an enabling problem on a large scale. Since there is no way to force anyone’s hand in this, and speaking to the others in the family hasn’t helped matters, I feel it would be best to bring in a third-party (such as the lender) who can perhaps explain the situation in a way that everyone can understand but without the family relationship connection.
If the lender can explain to and show the father (and then to the family as a whole) what the financial status is and how it is being negatively impacted by the enabling, perhaps steps can be taken to turn things around. As you say, the debt is huge, and I doubt anyone in the family would want to the see the farm go bankrupt or foreclosure with some unexpected financial fall, so everyone in the family that is receiving money from the farm should be shown detailed reports of why it has to stop.
Perhaps the lender can create a financial plan to stop the money flow that the father can accept, and not be made to feel like a bad father or fear that everyone will stop talking to him. I agree, bringing in the lender to present a workable plan sounds to be the best way to solve the problem while still maintaining family peace. Good luck!
20 Sab (2 comments.) // May 8, 2008 at 10:03 am
Thanks so much Lin. My hubby has been wanting to give the financials I do to the lender for awhile now instead of them just seeing the accountant’s. I just don’t want to feel like we are going behind dad’s back or anything.
I’ve prayed about it all, and continually have to give the situation to God.
Again, thanks so much for your advice!
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