Is there really a difference between helping and enabling? What is enabling? What are the causes and effects of this behavior on both the “enabler” and the person being “helped”? Helping is doing something for someone else that they are unable to do for themselves. Enabling is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves. So, why is there so much confusion between the two?
We have many opportunities in our lives to help someone else, whether it be amongst those of our own families, close friends or complete strangers. Perhaps someone you know has become ill, and you help them by arranging and bringing meals to them until they are well enough to do it for themselves again. A friend’s car may be in the shop getting fixed and you help them by driving them to and from work until their car is in good running order again.
Maybe someone you know has run into a bit of bad luck and is in need of temporary financial help to tide them over for awhile until their situation improves. Did you notice the optimal word, “until”? Providing temporary help to someone in need exemplifies kindness and consideration towards the receiver of help, but it also makes us feel wonderful inside when we are able to do so. But it is still temporary.
What then is enabling?
Enabling is entirely a different matter, but oftentimes gets confused as “help” by well-intentioned family members, friends and even neighbors. Remember, enabling is doing things for someone else that they CAN and SHOULD be doing for themselves. Many people think of enabling strictly in regards to alcoholics or drug addicts, whose family and friends make excuses for unacceptable behaviors, thus creating an atmosphere of comfort and ease for the situation to continue long-term.
Enabling vs. helping has a much broader meaning, encompassing many areas of life, including raising children to become independent adults rather than contributing to the increasing phenomenon of grown children returning home to live with their parents. When we enable addicts, children, friends or family, we are preventing them from experiencing the consequences of their own actions. We are not only preventing them from realizing they have a problem, but we are also depriving them of fully reaching their own potential.
Examples of enabling behaviors-
Sharon is an 36 year-old woman who can and should be working to care for her two small children, but she’s not. She has her own apartment that she shares with her children, and her own car. Sharon hasn’t worked a day in the last six years, since giving birth to her second child. Why? Because her mother and two sisters are paying all of Sharon’s bills, covering bounced checks and bank fees, buying all her groceries, paying her car payment each month, and even gives Sharon spending money. Sharon is not sick, she is not mentally or physically disabled in any way, but she has found a way of avoiding the responsibilities that go with being an adult with the “help” of her family.
Paul is a 28 year-old man who, although working full-time in the construction industry and making a very good income, is still living at home with his parents. All of his free time is spent watching television or playing video games, while others in the household carry full responsibility for paying the mortgage, utilities, household chores etc., while Paul remains stationery on the couch or in his bedroom. Paul is in good health, fully capable of providing for himself, but can’t think of a valid reason why he should be living on his own. His money is spent on month-long trips out of the country, purchasing movies and video games to add to his collection, and buying new clothes. Why? Because the parents are enabling Paul by allowing him to continue living with them, when he can and should be living on his own as an adult.
The Best Of Intentions Often Back-fire
Helping someone in need is truly admirable, until. Enabling someone is not so admirable, fraught with complications that can last indefinitely. Society tells us that a “good” mother or father gives their children everything they themselves never had. Society tells us to try and make things “easier” for our children, but where has this idea really gotten us?
Being an enabler has it’s own payoff, with a false sense of control over the lives of others. Well-intentioned parents, friends and even strangers can often find themselves feeling frustrated, resentful and used, but lack the will to stop the enabling. The “help” provided to those lacking the motivation and determination to stand on their own two feet has become a long-term expectation and outright demand by many. Are you an enabler?
Turning Enabling Behaviors Into Positive Potential-
Friends, family, neighbors, co-workers etc must learn to redirect their “helping” efforts with Tough Love, allowing persons to recognize and accept the responsibilities and consequences of their own choices, rather than enabling the continuance of unacceptable behaviors to the detriment of everyone involved. Take responsibility for any enabling behaviors, which is considered by some experts to be akin to abuse, realizing that creating positive change in someone being “helped” will not only have a positive impact on them but on you as well. There really is a difference between helping and enabling, but it is up to you to choose whether to continue on this path or to put a stop to it now.
A Sense of Entitlement
Children Who Refuse To Grow Up
Are Parents Helping Or Enabling Their Adult Children?
Are You An Enabler? Identifying Early Warning Signs of Enabling Behaviors
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around him. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors.
Wow, you picked a tough one this time. It’s soooo hard to know when your help is hindering. I was told by a psychiatrist that the recipient of the help should be the one to determine it, but that kind of honesty is hard for a needful person.
HM, I don’t think it’s that difficult at all to determine the difference between helping and enabling. I wrote about this because it’s an important topic to me, and I wanted to bring further awareness of this problem.
What if the adult child has Asperger’s Syndrome, how does one determine their ability to care for themselves?
Faith, unfortunately I don’t know much at all about Asperger syndrome, so I’d have to do some research on that before I could respond appropriately.
Great article. Thanks for contributing this post to this week’s edition of the Carnival of Family Life, hosted at Confessions of a Novice. The Carnival will be live on Monday, January 28, 2008, so be sure to stop by and check out all of this week’s excellent submissions!
At 59 I had one of my 8 children move home with me. The circumstances are that she had just had her 4th child (none of the others live with her). In the hospital this daughter told the authorities to check the baby for Meth because she was a meth user. Sure enough the baby tested positive and the state took him into foster care.
The morning after my daughters first night back where she had been living and using she called and asked if she and her boyfriend could move in with us because they realized that they could not get straight and get their baby back if they stayed in their current place. We let them move in that afternoon much to the dismay of several of her siblings (we have 7 daughters and 1 son). Those who disagreed with our actions said we were enabling the mother rather than helping her.
That was just over two months ago. In that time the mother and father have both entered a very strict drug court program, put over $1000 in the bank, bought a car (no, they did not have a car prior to this), got one of their drivers license back (the other has to pay over $2000 in fines before he can apply to get his back), got a job and attend over 7 NA or AA meetings each week on top of the mandated group and counseling sessions.
When they moved in the agreement was for them to be out in their own apartment by January 1. They have searched for apartments but when their background checks come back they are turned down.
They have not used since the babies birth (they are under court mandated drug screening at least 4 times per week).
This daughter left me holding a huge credit card debt a few years ago which strained her relationship with the rest of the family. Also, she is not the nuturing type which has lead some of her siblings to question if she should get the baby back at all.
I had not mentioned that another of my daughters is now the foster parent of the baby.
Are you totally confused now??? Sorry but I could write for a soap opera if given the chance.
Anyway, I am pushing the mother and father hard to find an apartment but feel that as long as they are clean, working their programs, and working towards getting the baby back that letting them live here is more of a help than an enabling situation.
I would love to get feedback from any and all on this.
DJ
DBJ,
My heart breaks for you and the family in this situation. I’m so sorry things got to this point and that you are having to deal with the situation as it is.
I’m happy to know the kids have gotten into drug treatment and are at least at the moment trying to put one foot in front of the other, and straighten out their own lives, as well as ensure the happiness of their child.
From everything you’ve said here, I can tell you are struggling with this situation, but also want to do what is best not only for yourself but also the kids. I’m not at all confused by the story.
My concern is where you mention the deadline of Jan. 1st, but background checks have prevented the kids from getting into their own apartment. I’m also concerned that you’ve been stuck with a credit card debt, and what possibilities there are for this type thing happening again.
I would suggest trying to locate apartments that do not require a background check, or perhaps a small rental home being managed by the private owner, even though it may mean a “sub standard” location. The goal is get them back out on their own, being responsible for themselves, and work their way back into a nicer location. Remember, they put themselves in the position they’re in, and they need to deal with the consequences even though it’s hard.
I do not recommend co-signing for an apartment at all. I’m totally against that, as more often than not, the parent gets left holding the bag/debt.
The sooner they are back out on their own, in their own place, the better. If you can help them by locating an affordable place where background checks are not required, then by all means help in that way. But do not put the new place in your name, or co-sign a lease. You’ve already been burned on that and you don’t need it to happen again.
Carefully consider the concerns of the family, and their point of view, and balance it all with what you know to be right for your situation. Just don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.
If you have any further questions, feel free to contact me. Good luck to you hon!
Thank you LIN for your comments.
First, you are spot on with your advice to not cosign in any way with them. They were told that from the beginning…She had her chance and blew it. In fact, since getting clean she is, for the first time talking about that debt. I have already deducted that amount from what she will get as an inheritance at my death to try to make it equal for my other children.
And yes, they have looked and continue to look for apartments that do not do background checks. They looked at one today and were hopeful about getting it. They have gone so far as to offer the required deposit plus two months rent held in escrow to ensure the proper payment is made but their background must be pretty soiled.
The second part of this is the split in what was a very close family. Things are getting better but there is a lot of healing to do.
Thank you again for your counsel and wisdom. I am open to a lot more.
DJ
Sounds like things are rolling right along, and the kids will be on their own very soon, as it should be. Good job!
Stick to your guns, do not relent to any requests for monetary assistance before or after they are out of the house. Allow them to handle their own affairs, as that is part of being grown up. The good, bad and the ugly.
Boy, do I ever understand the split in the family. It will take time, because once there has been so much hurt, disappointment and tremendous lack of respect shown (the old debt for example and you holding the bag), it takes quite awhile to very slowly begin to build some mutual respect back.
The ball in really in their court so to speak, so keep close watch over any signs of being manipulated, and squash it immediately. Remember, you love them, you are the mom, not their doormat. Or their bank account.
You may be interested in checking out an article in my archives called Closing The Bank Of Mom and Dad
Please do let me know how things are going, and when they’ve gotten back out on their own. I’ll be thinking about you.
Thanks again LIN.
I need the article on closing the bank!
BTW, I am the dad.
Thanks again,
DJ
2 months ago, my husband and I agreed to let his newly pregnant 23 year old daughter move in with us. Her 55 year old boyfriend had kicked her out. She prostituted off and on (for drugs) using no birth control and became pregnant not knowing who the father is.
She has not used any drugs since finding out she was pregnant and truly wants to change and be a good mother for her child. We allowed her to move in due to the fact that her pregnancy is high-risk since she had 3 prior miscarriages, with doctor’s recommendations that she not work.
She is now 4 and 1/2 months along and continues to have daily vomiting and daily migraines. She has an upcoming neurologist appointment for the migraines since she has a seizure disorder. Also, if she is on her feet too long, she passes out, which her OB has said is common as the body adjusts to varying blood pressure.
Therefore, we have not told her to get a job at this time. She plans to begin classes at a local tech school next month. She has been told that we expect her to keep the kitchen, livingroom, and bathroom cleaned. Whenever she is confronted with the fact that she fails to do ALL of these rooms she immediately cops an attitude, especially towards my husband. She and my husband have longstanding issues stemming from her upbringing and therefore do not get along well.
What is reasonable for us to expect her to do and not do so that we do not enable her? The best thing for her and the baby would be to stay with us at least until the baby is several months old, considering she doesn’t have a clue about how to raise a newborn. However, she is not completing the chores she was asked to do. She does the dishes, takes out the trash sometimes, and has vacuumed twice. Other than that, she sits around all day watching TV and surfing the internet. Additionally, she feels that my two sons, ages 15 and 12, should be helping with those chores we asked of her.
Suggestions? Thoughts? Help!
Hello Krista, what a difficult situation you are facing. Okay, a couple of things you mentioned concern me and are sending off “red flags” in my mind.
She has a “high risk pregnancy”, a history of miscarriage, is recommended by her doctor that she not work, but she’s about to begin college classes next month.
She is under doctor care, being evaluated for migraines and a seizure disorder, experiences daily vomiting, isn’t supposed to work but she’ll be going to college next month.
If she is on her feet “too long” she passes out, but she’s about to begin college classes, requiring her to walk and be on her feet. Whether it’s a job or attending college, both require walking and being on her feet for periods of time, but she’d be getting paid to hold down a job.
If she can manage the walking/sitting to attend college, why can she not manage the walking/sitting being an office receptionist or some other job that includes a lot of sitting? I’m not suggesting she go against her doctor’s advice, but I find it curiously odd that she can handle going to college but not a job.
She isn’t doing the chores you have requested, cops an attitude, becomes confrontational, but basically sits around watching TV and surfing the net. And to top it off, she wants to tell you how to parent your two sons, and tells you that the boys should be doing these chores.
Krista, I’m sorry, but I believe you have a time bomb waiting to go off.
It appears as though she is pretty content with this arrangement, and is seeking to milk it for everything it’s worth. Do the least amount of work, least amount of helping herself with her self-made situation, attempt/succeed in controlling her environment with confrontations, but reap the benefits of being told not to get a job but rather spend her days going to college and being a couch potato. On and off her feet no less.
You believe “The best thing for her and the baby” is to stay with you until the baby is several months old, “because she doesn’t have a clue about how to raise a newborn”. Oh Krista. Think about that and ask yourself if it’s really “best for her and the baby”, or if it would simply make you feel better and not feel guilty?
She is an adult, twenty three years old, and if she doesn’t know anything about raising and caring for an infant, she needs to immediately begin reading tons of books relating to caring for babies, perhaps including parenting classes to at least teach her the basics.
If she isn’t taught these things, separate and apart from your personal instruction, she will rely on you for everything with the baby and perhaps even manipulate situations in her favor, where you may find yourself being more the mother of this child than the mother is.
I’m afraid the “grandma” heartstrings will be tugging very hard on you, finding yourself being manipulated into becoming a surrogate mom to this child, with the real mom feigning ignorance with crying spells, whining and confrontations. “I’m sooo tired, I can’t stand getting up in the middle of the night to a crying baby. I NEED my sleep!”
I want to tell you what I would do if it were me, but ultimately the decision is yours of course. I would type out a “contract” involving all the rules you’ve established for her to be able to stay in your home, each of the chores clearly defined so she can’t throw it back at you later.
Establish an absolute, “written in stone” deadline date where she will have to be out of the house after the baby is born, but “several months” is way too long in my opinion.
Include a loving reminder that, while you and your husband are wanting to help her, neither of you will be doing “for” her. Suggest some books about caring for infants, stating that it’s her responsibility not yours.
Finish off the contract with a clearly defined statement that she is welcome to stay until (insert date), but the contract will be null and void if she fails to fulfill the chores and/or rules of your home. No disrespect, no confrontations, no backtalk, etc. ***Then be prepared to act on that should it happen. I can almost bet she will push the envelope and push the boundaries as far as she can.***
Good luck!
Great article. This is one of the things I have become very aware of since becoming a parent. I want my child to learn consequences and responsibility at a young age–when the cost of failure is low. Then, as they reach adulthood, they will have already learned many “life” lessons.
Thankyou sooooo much for your quick response!
Hello, I loved your article, and I totally agree with you. I am an adult child who married into an “enabling” family.
The family owns a farm which is in high debt and struggling… I take care of the farm finances and have noticed for a long time now a huge problem. The actual business expenses are fine… it’s the personals that are terrible. There are two sons working on the farm. I have worked with my hubby and we decreased our hydro, fuel, etc which are expenses covered by the farm… the other brother is recieving almost double what we do due to these other expenses he incurrs. Then there are two other brothers that do not live or work on the farm, are on their own, and the farm is paying for their vehicle/fuel/phone. We have talked to everyone about this situation, and one of the brothers is paying a small percentage back of what the farm pays monthly, but the others do nothing, and are mad at us for saying anything.
We are pregnant, and we are also planning on taking over the farm (which will be awhile of course). The succession and estate plan is all well laid out… problem is whenever we bring this up to dad he just shoves it off as if it isn’t as big a deal as we say. I’ve shown him the numbers too, what it means for the farm. It’s HUGE! He’s so afraid of making these others mad to where they won’t communicate with him anymore and end up resentful (meanwhile, the one lives days away and only phones when he wants money).
I’m tired of this situation. My husband is tired of being the “bad guy” and having all our efforts undermined by a too-giving father. I don’t know what to do. We’ve even thought of going to the farm’s lender to ask them to force dad to stop with these things… and the lenders have told him to stop before and he hasnt… just tried to hide it in paperwork a little better. Part of me wants to give it all up, but dad has invested in us to take over and if we leave, the farm will be sold. I feel trapped, and I’m not the enabler. Does anyone have any advice? I’ve grown up that you don’t talk to your parents like they are wrong… this is extremely difficult for me.
Note: I’ve attempted a “pay both brothers the same” thing, where all farm priveleges are cut off and we each have to budget them like normal families. This “won’t work”. I’m trying to see if we can do this in steps…
The one off farm brother will not talk to us since we’ve asked him again to take over his payments (dad doesn’t want to deal with it, but is vocal in his distaste of it). I’ve been keeping track and part of me wants to be evil and give him a statement for what he spent of farm money in 2007… but again, this feels wrong as he’s a brother, not a child.
Sab, this situation definitely sounds very difficult. You’ve said the father has expressed dislike for the situation but is more concerned about everyone not being angry at him, and no longer talking to him if changes are made.
From what you’ve said, it really does seem to be an enabling problem on a large scale. Since there is no way to force anyone’s hand in this, and speaking to the others in the family hasn’t helped matters, I feel it would be best to bring in a third-party (such as the lender) who can perhaps explain the situation in a way that everyone can understand but without the family relationship connection.
If the lender can explain to and show the father (and then to the family as a whole) what the financial status is and how it is being negatively impacted by the enabling, perhaps steps can be taken to turn things around. As you say, the debt is huge, and I doubt anyone in the family would want to the see the farm go bankrupt or foreclosure with some unexpected financial fall, so everyone in the family that is receiving money from the farm should be shown detailed reports of why it has to stop.
Perhaps the lender can create a financial plan to stop the money flow that the father can accept, and not be made to feel like a bad father or fear that everyone will stop talking to him. I agree, bringing in the lender to present a workable plan sounds to be the best way to solve the problem while still maintaining family peace. Good luck!
Thanks so much Lin. My hubby has been wanting to give the financials I do to the lender for awhile now instead of them just seeing the accountant’s. I just don’t want to feel like we are going behind dad’s back or anything.
I’ve prayed about it all, and continually have to give the situation to God.
Again, thanks so much for your advice!
Great article and feed-back.
I have a similar situation, with a twist.
My in-laws have a daughter who has returned to live with them. She brings with her a man still married to another woman and a newborn. The in-laws have gone into debt trying to cover the man (not working and now injured) the daughter (using payroll advance and credit to fund who knows what) and the newborn.
When my mother-in-law approached us for $$ saying that their house payments were behind, my husband and I transferred a couple of house payments worth quickly. We thought we would get the immediate need taken care of and then decide what to do next. Nothing done yet.
How do we finesse taking care of our parents and maybe the newborn without funding the sister and the not-husband?
Allison, WOW! Your story describes exactly what I’ve been saying for a very long time:
Enabling children can very often land parents right into the poor house by constantly giving money, until finally the parents themselves are in a bad position financially and end up broke and in need of help themselves while retired and trying to make ends meet. Wow!
Allison, the free-loaders have got to go, moved out or kicked out, one way or the other they have to go. They are obviously putting tremendous financial strain on the parents, to the point where you and your husband are now being pulled into the situation.
The daughter and her married boyfriend have a baby, the rest of you don’t. The baby is their responsibility, not anyone else’s. Don’t allow heartstrings to be pulled into enabling these freeloaders.
These “kids” have to be made responsible for their own choices, and have to learn that need creates motivation, but it won’t be learned if anyone is doing for them what they need to do for themselves.
They made a baby, they made the choice, they must deal with caring for the baby and feeding him/her etc themselves, not with your inlaws money.
You and your hubby should have a respectful and clearly defined talk with the elderly(?) parents that this couple is living with, and explain that the enabling has to stop and how it is detrimental to their own wellbeing (financially and otherwise), and is detrimental to the freeloaders to be required to take care of their own needs, and how it can be detrimental to YOUR financial situation.
No more help. No more money being given to the parents of the baby. They need to move out and live wherever they can afford to live, even if it’s by living on disability payments from a injury, and/or the new mommie’s income. Either way, no one should be giving these moocher’s any more money, or any ‘help’ of any kind. All of you will end up in the poor house or destitute yourselves from them being “helped” this way. Out they go… Good luck!
Love it.
Thanks again
Lin,
I’m glad I found your web site. My wife and I have been married for 9 years but dated on and off for 15 years. We bought a house together when we married. She has a son from a previous marraige whom she spoiled. He was 22 when we married. He wasn’t working much before we married and in fact was unemployed on our wedding day. I told him he could stay with us as long as he was either working or going to school. I gave him 30 days. When he didn’t get a job I kicked him out much to my wifes’ displeasure. He was allowed to move back because he found a job and he saved money for his own place. He then got himself an appartment. I guess he partied himself out of a job and got kicked out of the apartment. He somehow got himself in major debt because he charged a lot of items and, because he only works on and off, he can’t pay the debts.We both started allowing him to stay in our house as long as he was working. The goal was for him to save money to file for bankrupsy and get a fresh start. I would charge him $25.00 a week to help with groceries while the rest of his money was supposed to be saved by him. After a few months on a job he would just stop going to work and of course get fired. This has happened several times so he has been in and out of our house. Also, without my knowledge, over the last 7 years, my wife has cashed out credit cards, taken out loans, and even borrowed a substantial amount of money from her 401K to support him during the times he wasn’t living with us. When I found out I was livid. She is now in financial trouble. We tried marraige counceling but it didn’t help. Last year he was allowed to come back yet again and my wife never even asked me if it was OK. Once again he worked for approx 3 months and was able to buy a used car. He managed to make the payments. Well he again stopped going to work and got fired. Shortly aftrerward, his car got reposessed. My wife was angry about it but she would drive him around, buy his cigarettes, etc. I told my wife he had to leave. She replied by telling me she was leaving with him to “Get him on his feet”. I was shocked. So they both moved out last October and got their own place. My wife told me she would be back in approx 6 months. She wanted to keep in contact and have us see each other to “keep our marraige strong” so we have been doing so.This last New Years Eve I got a call from a bank looking for my wife. When I called her and gave her the message I asked her about it. She replied, “You’re going to divorce me when I tell you this”. She then came over and told me she bought him a car last year before they moved out and before he had a job. They kept the car parked up the street so I wouldn’t know about it. I couldn’t believe it. We still talk but she is getting tired of having me ask her whats going on, is he working, when is she moving back, etc. He has another job but of course she can’t move back until he can afford his own place. He holds all the cards. I told her I wanted her back but there could be no more financial support for her son. She said she is not sure if she could live with my “rules”. I have tried to point out to her that her son is running her life-she is in financial trouble, her marraige is in trouble, etc. all because she is making bad choices concerning her son. She can’t say no to him nor can she cut the umbillical cord. I don’t see any hope for us. In some ways its a shame because we are best friends and have done everything together. We get along in every way except this. I bought her a copy of the book called “Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children”. I also printed up some of the articles I have read. She thanked me for them.I hope it helps her. I really love my wife but I don’t what else to do. She has a problem and without her getting help there is no hope- not only for us as a couple but for herself and her son.
WJS, your story breaks my heart. I wish so much that your wife had realized long before now how her actions might not be helping her son as she thought or hoped. It’s such a shame when enabling behaviors cause such problems between a husband and wife as your story tells.
You are right to have stood your ground and done everything you could to really help your step-son without going so far as to enable him, and I really do hope your wife reads “how to stop enabling” and really comes to realize (before it’s too late for your marriage) the high cost of being an enabler.
A mother has been commenting on another helping vs. enabling article I’ve written saying she would feel like a bad, cold hearted mother if she were to stop giving money to her grown daughter, but she fails to realize that not giving money to the daughter is exactly what needs to happen. It has a lot to do with that stuff called “mother guilt” complex, and so many young people and parents are suffering financially themselves, and destroying their own marriages, in an effort to feel like a good mom.
I truly hope that your wife realizes what is happening before your marriage ends up in divorce, and that she really takes the time to evaluate herself while reading the book, and she takes active steps to stop enabling. Good luck to you and your wife. I really hope it works out for you both.
My take on the whole ‘helping’ vs ‘enabling’ issue is that helping involves assisting someone who is willing to change, better themselves etc but would otherwise have difficulty doing so, whereas to me ‘enabling’ means allowing people (kids/spouses/etc) to deliberately take advantage of you or expect less of themselves than they should. I’m a mid-20′s full-time student currently living with my parents (yes, I know you have strong opinions on this but please reserve judgment/criticism) but I certainly don’t consider myself a “moocher” and don’t believe my parents “enable” me to expect less of myself. If anything, I think (from a study perspective anyway) I expect MORE of myself, as I’m keen to make the most of this opportunity as I can. I have bipolar disorder, and 3 years ago (before starting university) I became very ill and as a result, ended up in financial difficulty that was largely beyond my control. My then-job contributed significantly to me becoming ill initially, so my parents offered the arrangement that I could stay under their roof while I attended university, as long as when I’ve finished and I’ve got a good job I return the favour by helping them. I work 2 part-time jobs to pay off my debts (am well over halfway now), pay for my share of everything and don’t (and never did) EVER EXPECT to be helped by my parents . Rather, I’m very thankful to have been given the opportunity. I certainly don’t behave as though I’m on Easy Street and take advantage of the situation. In fact I have more domestic responsibilities in terms of housework, washing, cooking, buying groceries, paying bills (and chasing up other people’s contributions) etc than I ever did living alone. And I’m willing to make sacrifices in the short term (privacy being the most difficult one) because quite simply, I wouldn’t be able to study otherwise, as to work enough hours to pay rent on top of debts, bills, groceries etc would mean my university marks going down the drain. I obviously wouldn’t be studying if I moved out, but I think that it would have been equally foolish of me to say “no thanks” when given the opportunity just for the sake of someone like yourself not labelling me a moocher. If I wasn’t at university making an honest effort to better myself and my education, I wouldn’t be living where I am. I don’t live where I live for lifestyle reasons – to be honest, I barely have any disposable income to speak of, let alone enough to “buy video games”. I’m in exactly the same financial position as I would be if I wasn’t living with my parents, with the only difference being that my money goes to the bank instead of a landlord. I could even argue that it’s more socially responsible of me to be living where I am (temporarily of course), rebuilding my career and paying off debts instead of moving out and letting debts languish (or even worse going bankrupt) or neglecting study. I think that they key issue here is bettering yourself. Whether or not you are bettering yourself – whether financially through working hard, or educationally etc – and not taking advantage of those around you is of far more importance than whose roof you happen to live under. I know people who live out of home who haven’t worked an honest day in their lives, and who get their parents to buy them cigarettes/alcohol/groceries, just the same as I know plenty of people in similar situations to myself who are trying to get somewhere in life but need a bit of a helping hand to get there. I don’t believe that I’m being protected from any “hard knocks” so to speak or from the consequences of my actions – if anything, my current lack of my own place IS the consequence of my actions. What happened WASN’T my fault, but it IS my responsibility to pay back debts and fix my life. And as for not reaching potential – I think to move out and as a result NOT study would be to not reach my potential. And no, I don’t believe that it’s my parents’ duty to “save” me or fix my life or whatever. And just for the record I lived by myself before prior to first becoming ill/going to uni, and quite happily/successfully. People who truly ARE the moochers – who don’t move out because it’s too comfortable, they’re too lazy, they waste all their money on non-essentials etc…make me SO mad because they give all adults who happen to live with family a bad name. I for one certainly don’t lack motivation and determination. I’m determined to repay the help that I’ve received by forging a good career and get my life where I want it to be. Things are still difficult health-wise occasionally. In that vain, it’s actually quite good living with people who even though they might not alway ‘get it’, at least they accept the situation for what it is. Thinking of the possible alternatives – either living alone, definitely not a good situation when you’re unwell, or with flatmates who might not know/understand/accept and might instead think ‘oh my god what a fruitcake!’ is kind of unsettling! I very nearly hit the skids again early last year (damn rapid-cycling) and still have the odd rough-patch, but I can look now at where I am and where I’ve come from and think ‘you did good kid’ – and look forward to doing that to an even bigger extent in the future.
You raise some really good points in this article Lin. Well done! I also think that it is very important that people experience the consequences of their actions so that they can learn to help themselves otherwise long term change can be extremely difficult.
Hi Simon, I’ve got my work cut out for me to respond to all of your comments on various articles, but I’ll do my best to respond to them all.
I know I responded to Kiera’s message when she first commented but I’m very confused about what happened to my response. Not sure if I accidentally deleted my response or not, but I always try to respond to each person individually.
Hi, I am truly grateful that I managed to find this website. My husband and I are currently facing an on going dilemma of this same nature. Our son who is now 24 years of age has had many medical problems in the past including a fractured vertebra that led to a back surgery which ultimately led to a drug addiction problem. Before these unfortunate medical conditions arose he had a good paying job and was a responsible young adult; however, now he lives at home with us and refuses to go to school, get a job, or do anything we ask of him. His reasoning behind his lax behavior is that he hurts to bad to do anything. When we confront him about any of these situations he gets angry and threatens suicide. He uses drugs continually and refuses to admit that he has a problem. The drug usage and his seemingly constant pain have led him to severe depression. Although we would never want to see him hurt himself, we can’t continue to allow him to use us as a means to circumvent living his own life. We are in desperate need for some help and any and all input on our current situation would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Lisa, I’m so sorry you and your family are dealing with this. Becoming addicted to drugs following surgery, I assume you mean prescription drugs prescribed after his back surgery, is all too common.
Threatening suicide is a very big deal and should be taken seriously. Depression is a major indicator or “sign” to look for in someone who could possibly hurt themselves, so you’re right to be concerned about that. Call the Suicide Hotline out of earshot of your son immediately and explain the situation and the things your son has been saying about committing suicide if x,y or z happens and take to heart their suggestions. I believe there is an 800 number to call the hotline. I am not a therapist or a counselor of any kind, but absolutely do not take threats of suicide lightly.
If your son’s assertions are true, that he truly “hurts too bad to work” or to do much of anything else, than he needs to be seen immediately by a doctor who can run necessary tests to determine the validity of his claims and to take necessary steps to help your son feel better in order to live a productive, drug free life.
Does he “hurt too bad” to do other things, specifically fun things? Does he lay around the house 24/7 unable to move, or is it more selective? Is he able to go run around with friends and enjoy leisure activities at all, but when it comes to getting a job or keeping a job it’s all “too painful”? Hmm.
Your son may need to go into drug rehab for awhile, in order to detox and clear out the drugs from his system. How anyone could possibly think clearly and rationally under the influence of drugs or alcohol, I don’t understand. The drugs only make the depression worse, not better.
I would suggest the Suicide Hotline first. Then I would have your son seen by a doctor who will run necessary tests to determine whether or not your son’s assertions are true or not about his level of pain and “need” for painkillers.
If the doctor find there is no valid reason for your son to be on prescription drugs for back pain, or that your son isn’t in nearly as much pain as he claims, he should be seen by a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist (who won’t prescribe drugs) to get to the root of depression problem.
You know your son better than anyone, and you are best able to see for yourself if he’s really hurting too much to get a job or keep a job, especially if he manages to get out and about having a good time with friends/family etc. If he’s pretty much fine during leisure time activities but only “hurts” when it comes to getting a job and moving out, then it’s at least possible that he’s manipulating you with his suicide threats. Tugging on the heart strings with guilt trips etc.
Get on the phone with the hotline and tell them what’s been going on. I know for a fact that the police will “arrest” anyone threatening suicide and will immediately take them to a medical/mental facility in order to be seen and evaluated for a variety of ailments, drug addiction, depression and suicidal tendencies. This happened to a co-worker’s son several years ago, and he got the help he needed. Calling 911 may be your next step towards getting help for your son.
Let me know how everything goes. Hugs!
It is amazing what you can find on google! I am having difficulty with my 28 year old son; for the past 2 years he has been unemployed or rarely employed briefly. He came to live with me as he was complaining of anxiety and unable to eat or drink anything while living with his dad. To my amazement, he weighed more than 200 lbs. when I saw him. He stayed with me app. 6 months; during this time, I was diagnosed with lymphoma and am now taking chemotherapy. During the 6 months he applied for 2 jobs twice (did not get either) and got a job and stayed there a week as he did not complete his past job history and did not get called back after completing the application. I have been so overwhelmed with the cancer diagnosis, treatment, etc. We thought he was getting into college and getting a Pell grant but that did not happen. Now he is again living with my ex who pretty much ignores him. I am at a loss; I see a counselor and she has just told me that I should pay less attention to him and let him become more independent. That sounds easy, but it is very hard for me. I want to show him that I love him but also not enable him any further. I would love to buy him some things for Christmas but am not sure that is appropriate. I really don’t know what to do; could you advise me? Thanks!
Hi Deloris,
I’ve had several people ask me the same type question the last couple of weeks. How to deal with Christmas gift giving when there has been so much enabling going on. What to give as a gift? Give a gift at all or just ignore Christmas? IF the old saying is true, that it’s the thought that counts (which I personally don’t believe is true at all), then you might want to give your son a FOOD gift for Christmas. Bake him his favorite treat – favorite cookies, cake, brownies etc and wrap them in pretty colored saran wrap and a bow and give them as a gift for Christmas. Thousands and thousands of people are giving homemade gifts this year, especially due to the economy but also because of the desire of many to get away from the commercialism of Christmas and go back to the basics of holiday giving. People are baking bread (banana bread for example), muffins, cookies, cakes etc and giving them as gifts this year. Others are giving “jar gifts” of food items, where each of the dry ingredients for cookies or muffins etc are layered in a mason jar to look pretty and the top of the jar cover is made pretty with colored ribbon, and a recipe card is attached with instructions of how to make the baked goods.
Thanks for your response and idea; it would be hard to do this as he lives app 600 miles away. The thing is I love to give him gifts and he is my only child; he is actually the only one I give gifts to.. I have bought some books for him and am trying to think of things he really needs like gloves, etc. as he lives in the mountains. Why does it have to be so complicated? I really enjoy this blog and your input; thank you!
My 44 year old daughter is in jail, again. My husband and I have bailed her out of jial many times, given her money, a place to live, food, paid utilities, a car, for years all to keep her and her two sons together…well, guess what? We have had custody of her two boys 13 and 14 years of age for five years, now. She is still where she was 5 years ago. She did manage to purchase a mobile home, but not able to support or provide a stable home for her children, so we have them. She has had money to ‘help’ friends and provide a place for boyfriends…she has been on disability due to a back injury. I thought she was making moves to getting her life back on track, so we have been allowing supervised visits and she seemed somewhat more stable…then she let a loser boyfriend back in her life and apparently was involved in he illegal transactions. i had told her I wanted nothing to do with him and that it was just a matter of time before there would be trouble. She called and told me she was in jail and asked if we would ‘help’ her by bailing her out. I told her absolutly not…she said she would get someone else to get her out…that didn’t happen..so she then said she would just sit tight in jail and work on getting the charges dropped or get the boyfriend to take all the charges, blah, blah, blah…..I told her whatever. The last call she resorted to stating when she got out she might have to stay with us, while she gets her trailer moved because she was sure her landlord was going to evict her…my husband said “No way”…which I relayed and then it was on…the guilt trip, blaming, etc. I ended up very angry and told her that just because we are family doesn’t give us the responsiblity to bail her out of her messes…she made the choice to let this loser back into her life and she knew what was going on and she allowed him to stay..so as far as I was concerned she was just as guilty as he was and that we are doing enough for a lifetime, raising her children, then the conversation really turned ugly..so I hung up. I will not take anymore calls.
I received letters from jail today and they were full of blame and guilt trips, of how my emotional abuse and my not ever being proud of anything she has done or ever acknowledging anything she has done good, etc. After reading them, which I shouldn’t have…I became enraged. My husband, (who isn’t the boys’ step-grandfather and has been providing and loving them as his own)has listened to my rant msot of the day and has tried to help me understand her way of thinking…then it dawned on me you can’t understand this…it is insanity! The insane thing I have been doing for years is what I thought was ‘helping’ her…well, I have had enough! I will continue to raise and love her children, but she has, I am afraid burnt her bridge with me and my husband. I really don’t want a relationship with her I don’t think I will ever trust her again.
Now, how do I get rid of this anger and frustration?
Hi Tana,
It seems to me that you’ve come to the full realization of the situation and are reacting to the shock, hurt, disappointment etc. You’re feelings and reaction are normal. It’s very much like grieving a death. The letters you received were from today, so it’s understandable that you’d feel the way you do. I read a quote the other day that says, “never underestimate your power to change yourself. Never overestimate your power to change others”.
Your daughter has made her choices and she’s had to deal with the many consequences of those choices. Thank goodness you’re not running to rescue her, again. Good job! Keep it up.
If I had heard from you before you opened the letters and told me this story, I would recommended that you not open them but rather, scribble over your name and address and write “return to sender” on the envelope and drop it in the mail to be returned to her. Unopened. That sends a powerful message.
Think about it: Your reaction to her letters is exactly what she intended, otherwise she wouldn’t have written what she wrote to you. She WANTED the reaction you gave, and she’s likely feeling like she wished she could “be a fly on the wall” to see your reaction. She did it on purpose, to upset and hurt you. She got a “bulls-eye” with her letters, but you can choose to not allow her to get to you the way she does.
Tana, ask yourself: Are you a people pleaser? Many people are (enablers especially) and find themselves in situations where they feel they don’t have any control over their lives because of how others will react.
Also, consider whether or not your daughter might be a “toxic person”. Here’s my article about toxic relationships/toxic family members, and trust me…a toxic person can be anyone (including one’s own child) and the repercussions can be overwhelming.
How do you get rid of the anger and frustration? By realizing the reality of the situation and how it’s been impacting you and your life, then making the decision to “let go” of your daughter and allow her to face the reality of her choices. Disengage, disassociate and detach to whatever degree you and your husband feel is necessary to safeguard your own mental health and well-being. You’ve got two young people to focus your energies on and finish raising, so readjust your focus on to their needs, you and your husbands needs, and move on and away from the drama queen.
Good for you for not listening to her rant and rave on the phone. Don’t allow her to “get to you” in other ways either. Hang in there.
Hi Lin,
Thank you for your response, I needed it! I am in shock and disappointed that I allowed her to engage, again, with us and subjected her boys to this let down.
I do care that people think that I am a caring, honest person, that can be counted on to do what I’ve said I’m going to do, and sometimes I feel like I have worked myself into a corner by caring too much.
After today, I won’t be opening any letters from my daughter. I don’t need another day of being a target.
I will disengage, again. All of this is wearing me down mentally and I know I need to be ‘all’ here so that finish raising my grandsons and to care for myself and husband.
Thanks for your encouragement and advise, it is all well taken.
hi lin,
what an interesting topic. i’m married to a man with ADD and it is driving me to the point of cracking. it’s been almost 8 years. i have never gotten fifty percent and after exhausting research, i don’t think i ever will. the lack of partnership, of an equal and the huge amount of debt have begun to outweigh the extraordinary love i feel for this man… i need him to stand on his own two feet because i mentally and physically cannot hold us both up any more. i’m afraid the only way to force his hand is divorce…. any advice?
p.s. we’ve seen TWO marriage counselors, he has started medication, and i still feel it’s too little too late.
I have a 30 year old son who often finds himself in disruptive relationships.
He recently got married to a woman he met 12 months earlier. Two months after
they began to talk about desolving the marriage. She made a scene on his work,
both lost their jobs, He was there 6 years, she 9 months. He called us in tears, asked what to do
and proceed to annulment of the marriage. The wife complied with the action to desolve the marriage
but start over their relationship.
I wrote him a letter advising him to be careful reentering a relationship without counseling because the woman has admitted to erratic mood swings. and had fooled all of us before. He took offense and sent me a email with cussing and calling me out of my name told me in essence to leave it alone. Prior to this we had a good relationship. I am surprised by this. I want to write him back, telling him its unacceptable etc. Or should i simply ignore him and say nothing? Thanks for any suggestions.
Hi ,I have a 19 year old adult son, who smoke cigarettes and marijuana and also drinks alcohol ,and heaven knows what else he does. I don’t know when all this started. My husband and I told him, he is following other boys on the street. Because we don’t do those things in this house. But he keep on telling us he is his own man. And he is not following anyone. and how, he is the leader not a follower. We sent him to school to get his G.E.D so he can get a good job. He now has his G.E.D. which is a good thing, but he is depending on his father to help him with getting a job. he will work if there is a job waiting for him. but he will not go out on his own to fine a job. He will sit home and watch TV all day and leave his room untidy and leave his dirty laundry piled up on him, and go to his father draw and wear his clothes. It came to a point that we had to hide his father clothes to show him we mean business. When we tell him to do chores around the house he would tell us the others are there, why not tell them to do it . that’s when the argument would start between us . There has been time when he would start arguments between his 10 year old brother. Just because he would look at him. Threaten to beat on him and calling him a punk. Just because he can not manipulate him. When we tell him we don’t want him treating his siblings in that manner he will get so mad with us and said we don’t understand. I agree with him we don’t understand him but we love him very much. And want to help him. so we put him out of the house. I am worried about him and wondering if he is ok. He have seizure once in a while. It happens when he don’t get to eat on time. just the other day my husband saw him walked by the house he looked at the house for a while and then went on his journey . I ask my husband what he think and he said he is hungry. Or looking for him to hire him as an employee. my heart sunk, when I heard that. I wanted to help him. but I know if I do, I would hurt him more than I would help him.
P.S
he raised his hand at me twice. and when we put him out he told us we will not see him again we lost him forever. He is now living with one of his street buddy. That what we didn’t want. I want to know what must I do? Help me please???? Crying. we want to know what happen to sweet spirit that he had.
Sorry for the rush writing but I need help. thanks hope you understand what I wrote. And thanks for your help. and May the creator bless you greatly.
I really appreciate this article. My husband and I have struggled to know what to do for his 23 year old sister who has no life or social skills to speak of. She has been raised by their grandmother who has completely enabled her. Not only has she enabled her, she has filled her full of fear and dread regarding the outside world. His sister is intelligent and healthy, but her fears totally handicap her. She does not drive (she took drivers ed. at age 21 and failed), she has never “hung out” with friends, she barely gets by or fails classes in college, and she sits around a trash filled, filthy house all day with out lifting a finger (her grandmother would probably scream at her if she tried to do anything anyway). As a way of coping and also escaping her depressing situation, she is addicted to gaming on the computer, which she is in total denial about. Their grandmother is now in very bad health, recovering from cancer and honestly will most likely not live much longer. I want to help, but I have four little children of my own to take care of. I DO NOT want her to live with us. I fear that I will end up hating her and resenting my husband. I can’t help but feel guilty and wonder if I am being totally selfish though because I know her situation is not all her fault. She never knew her father, her mother died when she was 6, and she been raised by this emotionally and verbally abusive controlling grandmother. I just want to tell her, “Okay, time to learn how to use the bus system and work your way through school”. That’s what my husband did. It took him 10 years to get his bachelors and and 2 more years to get his masters, because he worked full time and went to school part time while raising a family. I would greatly appreciate any advice . Thanks!
My son is 25 years old and the most he works in a job is three months always asking for money,he call and he wanted to move back home and I told him no now he mad at me and said what mom would let her child in the street for the first time I have stood up,
Interesting post, which I came across as I was googling the difference between the two, and thinking of exactly this.
I do question your example of the mum of 2 however. What would one say if it was a partner or husband paying bills rather than her? For me, given the research we know about the critical importance of aged 1 to 5, and the relationship to a secure attachment-figure, choosing to stay with children rather than work is not an enabling decision but a decision in the best interests of the children, provided the carer is able to be fully present, does not have PTSD or other issues. Where we say, staying with your children is by definition enabling not supporting, that seems insane to me.
I also wonder about the cultural context of enabling, and whether some cultures would view behaviour as normal that others would view as enabling. Particularly as regards adult children. In the UK for example, the attitude tends to be, once children are 18 they should immediately leave home and become independent. In some parts of mainland Europe however, including where I am, it is normal for children to stay at home until after university or further training. Again, am interested in the brain science of this, because studies show that the brain does not fully mature until 26, a lot older than we previously thought. Have been wondering about implications of this.
This feels like an issue I need to get clarity on, not least given my background as an ACOA.
Thank you for this insightful article! I am just now realizing what an enabler I am, and it is like a slap in the face. I thought I was helping. Right now, I’m so pissed off at my husband, because of his eating habits and exercise, he expects me to motivate him. I’ve been doing his chores and making excuses for him, and now, I’ve realized I need to let him work on those issues himself. His parents were (and are) enablers, never giving him chores, never making him take care of his own lunches or anything. Now he is responsible for a lot more, and constantly whining about it. Now I know that I’m not helping him, I’m hindering him in growing up. Also, my family is incredibly co-dependent. My mom wants me to “help” her all the time, and listen to her problems, but I’ve been slowing weaning myself from that toxic situation. I feel so responsible for my siblings, who are being robbed of an education, but it’s my parent’s responsibility, not mine. I feel guilty letting them continue what they are doing, but if I get involved it will hurt everyone. I’m the oldest, if you couldn’t tell, and I raised my siblings for as long as I lived there. Thank you for such helpful information. I’m going to start raising my awareness, and ask myself “can this person do it for himself, and if so, why am I doing it?” If the answer is a good reason, and not an excuse, than ok. But hopefully this will help me realize my own motivation, and help me stop enabling my husband, and let him be responsible for his own time and body.
I guess I know the answer to this question before I start.
My wife and I have 2 sons from prior marriages, mine is out on his own and her son is still with us at age 20. It took everything to get him through high school, they wanted him out badly. I went to a psychiatrist because my dad, mom and sister all died within about a year and I was pretty depressed.
In all the conversations with him, he said “the breaking point in your life will be your sons and wife’s relationship”. I thought he was crazy with that off the cuff statement.
So in high school she told him not to go to a rock concert one night because of his bad grades, and if he went he could not come back and had to go live with his (strict) father.
He went to the concert and did not come back for 3 days (stayed with different friends). My wife cried all 3 days. I knew this was the breaking point, either she held firm or caves to him (later she begged him to come back)
Now at 20 he sleeps until noon, his buddies pick him up to get high, then he comes back and gorges himself and sleeps until 3pm, then out all night and getting home around 4am. Then it starts over the next day.
Of course the regular stuff, not looking for a job, doing nothing around the house at all,
(Zero, dishes piled up in his room) he stole all of our medications and sold them etc.
So I gave my wife the enabling blog the other day and asked her to read it. She did. This morning she said that she was trying and that she would not make her son move out. If I did not like it she and her son would move out.