How many relationship deal breakers do you have on your list? Do you even have a relationship deal breaker list? What about your now-dating teenage children, do they have a relationship deal breaker list? Do you and your dating teenagers know and openly discuss what a relationship deal breaker is?
Ask yourself: What are the things that you simply will not accept or tolerate in your relationship or marriage? What would you do if:
- Your spouse or partner cheated on you? Would you call it quits to the relationship, or would you stay and try to work things out?
- Your spouse or partner became physically, emotionally or mentally abusive towards you? What would you do?
- You discover your spouse or partner is addicted to gambling, drugs or alcohol? What then?
We all have varying personality quirks or habits that can sometimes become irritating to our significant other, whether in a dating relationship or a marriage. Since none of us are without flaws, it’s important to not allow trivial irritations or minor personality flaws to cause the breakup of a relationship, otherwise none of us would ever have a relationship.
Some people can tolerate, put up with and forgive certain things that may occur in relationships from time to time, and manage to maintain a healthy and happy relationship, while others may not be able to forgive those very same things and decide to end the relationship. It’s important to determine whether or not you’ve really gotten a bad deal in the relationship, taking necessary steps to fix the problems before they get out of control. Some people are a bit more “trigger happy”, ready to slam the door and holler “hit the road Jack!” at the first hint of trouble.
Relationship deal breakers are also known as “non-negotiable boundaries” in relationships, where compromise is not an option for a relationship to continue. Determining what your personal deal breaker boundaries are before entering a relationship or marriage can save you tremendous heartache and years of regret. If I knew then what I know now, things would have turned out very differently with my first marriage. Nevertheless, I have six awesome, now-grown children that I am truly blessed to have in my life.
After my divorce in 1993, it took me a few years before I would even consider dating again. To put it mildly, I was deathly afraid of winding up with the same type relationship I battled so hard to get out of. Spending a few years focusing my attention and efforts on raising my children on my own, and discovering the “real me” again, I was able to build my self-respect and self-esteem back to what is reasonable for anyone, never to be lost again. Doing so allowed me the opportunity to develop my own non-negotiable relationship deal breaker list, which I have adamantly stuck to ever since:
- I will not tolerate infidelity.
- I will not tolerate physical, mental or emotional abuse.
- I will not tolerate addictions to alcohol, drugs or gambling.
- I will not tolerate attempts to control my personal, political or religious beliefs.
Once a non-negotiable relationship deal breaker list is created, whether mentally or written down, it’s important to find subtle ways of letting it be known what you will or will not tolerate in a relationship or marriage. I don’t believe it’s necessary to hit anyone upside the head with a “frying pan” in order to clearly establish your relationship boundaries with a potential mate or partner.
What is on your non-negotiable relationship deal breaker list? How have you verbalized your list to your significant other?
Further Reading:
How To Hide Money From An Abusive Husband
Married To An Abuser-Identifying Early Warning Signs of Abusive and Controlling Men
Popularity: 45% [?]
18 responses so far ↓
1 Lawrence Cheok | A Long Long Road (1 comments.) // Jan 9, 2008 at 8:20 am
hi Lin, great post.
Non-negotiable boundary is a great topic to talk about. I agree couples should learn about each others’ boundaries, and respect it. It helps to keep the relationship healthy.
Also thanks for the mention on your blog roll. It’s a great honor and it’s very flattering. I appreciate it.
Lawrence Cheok | A Long Long Road’s last blog post..Why It’s Dangerous Not To Do What You Love (Career Lover Series II)
2 Kevin @ Change Your Tree (8 comments.) // Jan 9, 2008 at 9:18 am
Thanks for the link and great post!
Kevin @ Change Your Tree’s last blog post..New E-Book Coming Soon!
3 pearl (2 comments.) // Jan 9, 2008 at 10:54 am
This is a great topic for just about every one and every relationship Lin…
Like Lawrence said, if we all started to understand each other’s boundaries, we’d have happier families leading to happier society… so, I wouldn’t put up with abuse of any sort!
You just gave me so many ideas to talk about on my blog
pearl’s last blog post..Getting Stuck in the Moderation Queue
4 Lin (640 comments.) // Jan 9, 2008 at 11:29 am
Hi Pearl, thanks for stopping by. I’ve got something coming your way in the next couple of days.
Lawrence and Kevin, this is a topic I know all too well. One of the most difficult parts of it is not allowing fear to hold you back from what you know is the truth of the relationship and getting out regardless of the fears.
5 Frank C (9 comments.) // Jan 9, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Lin,
On this topic, did you see the Reuters weird news item today about a man in Poland who was shocked to find his wife working at a brothel he was visiting? I guess it isn’t a surprise that they’re getting divorced.
Frank C’s last blog post..Blog Review: Planet Saedel
6 Lin (640 comments.) // Jan 9, 2008 at 10:31 pm
OMG Frank!!! Are you serious?! That’s umm, I don’t know what to say! LOL!!! Yep, that’s definitely a deal breaker. :)~
7 woobie (1 comments.) // Jan 12, 2008 at 10:57 am
Benefit of the doubt is still the best thing for the first few times he does it. After which, the best would be to pack and go. But then this is easier said than done i guess.
woobie’s last blog post..The Gift of Smarts
8 A Long Long Road » Recommended Reads for 18 Jan 2008 // Jan 18, 2008 at 6:03 am
[…] Relationship Deal Breakers - Non Negotiable Boundaries - Do you know your spouse’s non negotiable boundary? What are the mistakes that your spouse will never forgive you with? A healthy relationship needs mutual understanding and it should include knowing this boundary - a sensitive area that one should not thread lightly on. […]
9 Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker (6 comments.) // Jan 18, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I do have my own list. It includes each of the ones that you listed. When I was young, I probably would have stayed in my marriage no matter what. Now that I actually love myself, I have boundaries where abuse is concerned. Thanks for sharing this great article.
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker’s last blog post..With Love, Man Is God— Sathya Sai Baba
10 Lin (640 comments.) // Jan 18, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Hi Patricia, I apologize for the delay in responding to your comment. I’ve been stuck at a convention all week, but it’s all over with now.
Finding who were really are inside, rather than what someone else tells us or believes about us, is really the key step here.
11 Liza S. (1 comments.) // Mar 1, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Hi, thank you for linking to my article. This is a great post that every woman should read. It’s important to know for yourself, before even entering a relationship, what you are and are not willing to put up with.
12 Lin (640 comments.) // Mar 1, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Liza, you are very welcome. This is a topic I am all too familiar with, so anything I can do to bring greater awareness to all women, I will gladly do.
13 Ladies: Why You Need to Know How to Hide Money From Your Husband | Telling It Like It Is // Mar 8, 2008 at 11:45 pm
[…] “Relationship Deal Breakers - Non Negotiable Boundaries” […]
14 6 Concepts You Must Teach Your Child Before Age 18 (Part 6 of 6): Healthy Boundaries | Change Your Tree - Personal Development Blog // Apr 18, 2008 at 8:32 am
[…] Along with those resources, you can also find information on boundaries at some of my friends’ blogs: Urban Monk & Tellin’ It Like It Is. […]
15 How to Get Along With the In-Laws: Dealing With In-Laws and Extended Family | Telling It Like It Is // Jun 4, 2008 at 5:01 am
[…] may believe that the emotional abuse, manipulation by controlling and downright toxic in-laws is a relationship deal-breaker for her, and may cost you your marriage if you don’t put an immediate stop to it. […]
16 Lacresha Hayes (1 comments.) // Jun 5, 2008 at 11:14 am
I loved this article. I was awesome because people are starting to think everything is negotiable. It isn’t and some things never should be. I’ll be sending my books to you soon, Lin.
17 Lin (640 comments.) // Jun 5, 2008 at 11:58 am
Lacresha, deciding for yourself what you will and won’t put up with in relationships is fundamental and very mature in my opinion.
Too many times people are in or get into a relationship that is not healthy for a variety of reasons, but really working at developing a non negotiable list of unacceptable behaviors can help a great deal in staying true to yourself and need for respectable treatment.
Thank you in advance for the books! I’m looking forward to checking them out.
18 How to Fight Fair in Marriage | Telling It Like It Is // Jun 7, 2008 at 2:31 pm
[…] Relationship Deal-Breakers: Non-Negotiable Boundaries […]
Leave a Comment