If you could name the top ten things that bug you the most about men or women, what would they be? Did you know that men and women speak in completely different languages, so much so that we may feel we are speaking to someone from another planet? Yep, it’s true, and here is the proof.
The ability to communicate is the greatest commodity you possess in all relationships, whether personal or business related. Those having excellent communication skills have better relationships, better marriages, raise children to be more functional - and tend to be more successful in their careers. The old saying, “Great communicators are people who change their approach based upon the person they are talking to” couldn’t be more true. Becoming fully aware of the language differences amongst the two sexes will greatly improve your communication with those of the opposite sex, in your home life and in the work place.
Men and women THINK differently
Men and women SPEAK differently
Men and women DECIDE differently
How do men and women think differently?
Men think COMPARTMENTALLY and women think GLOBALLY. Men and women store information and file away data in their cognitive memory banks very differently. Men tend to separate details and store them in different “compartments”, much like a file-cabinet-drawer system, such as (in random order): Work, Hobbies, Wife, Sex, etc.
Cognitively speaking, men tend to open and close “drawers” needed for the immediate moment, staying exclusively in that one compartment, and nothing else even exists except for what is in that compartment. Women, on the other hand, tend to do the complete opposite and connect things up, seeing life more globally. Women see how details and data have underlying and interrelated connections.
Examples of compartmental and global thinking:
Ladies, have you ever called your husband or partner to ask him to pick something up at the grocery store on his way home, only for him to arrive home empty-handed? That’s because he was in the “work” compartment, focusing exclusively on getting the job done, where nothing else exists but his work. Have you ever tried to talk to your husband or partner about something you felt was important while he is focusing his attention on the football game? Doesn’t work out too well, does it?
Men, have you ever gotten into a disagreement with your wife or partner about something, and she brings up stuff that happened months ago? You likely stood there looking at her with the “deer in the headlights” sort of look wondering, What in the world does THAT have anything to do with THIS? Or, how about this: You have a disagreement with your wife or partner in the morning before leaving for work, and later that evening you’re feeling a bit frisky, only to get the “I’ve got a headache” schpeal? That’s because she’s thinking globally, connecting and intertwining details and data as they relate to one another. She’s been simmering and stewing all day long about the disagreement, probably thinking of all the things she intends to say when you arrive home, and now you want to get all lovey-dovey?
Both ways of thinking, compartmental and global, are great ways to think, with their own inherent strengths and weaknesses. Put them both together in the same relationship or marriage, and things start getting very interesting, to say the least.
What is happening here cuts straight to the heart of the differences between men and women and how they think and store cognitive data. The man closes the “wife” drawer and goes to work, leaving behind all thought of the disagreement with his wife, opens the “work” drawer and stays completely focused within the framework of his job, to later return home still in the work compartment, to his wife giving him the cold shoulder treatment and angry glances. Worse yet, he arrives home to his upset and frustrated wife, angrily discussing her laundry list of problems she’s had with the children all day long, the moment he walks in the door.
How do men and women speak differently?
Men speak in short phrases with little or no details, whereas women speak in paragraphs, giving lots of story-like details. Men want and need the “bottom line” first, while women want and need details, details, details. That is not to say that men are not interested in getting the details, because they often do want them, but only after getting the bottom line answer to their question. Women enjoy the suspense of working up to the bottom line, for the joy is in the telling of the story. Men, however, experience this enjoyment as agitation, sometimes becoming very frustrated while waiting for the punch line or bottom line to the story. To effectively communicate with someone of the opposite sex, in your personal or career relationships, you must change your approach.
On average, it has been estimated that men speak 12,500 words in a given day and women speak about 25,500 words in a day. Thus comes the old joke about a man going to work and using up 12,495 words and coming home with only five words left! When he arrives home from work he says, “What’s for dinner?” (that’s three) and “Good night” (that’s five!). Men communicate to report facts, while women communicate to build rapport. This mismatch of Report-Talk vs. Rapport-Talk can greatly increase the friction and tension in interpersonal relationships with those of the opposite sex, in our home lives and in the work place. Men, when your wife asks you “How was your day?” and you reply with a simple “Fine” with little or no details, she will be left feeling like “he never tells me anything” or “I have no idea what is going on in his life“.
The differences between men and women go far beyond the obvious. Take for example the matter of eye contact. On average, women maintain direct eye contact while speaking for twelve seconds vs. a man maintaining eye contact for three seconds. Wow! Ladies, think about the last time you carried on a conversation with your husband. You likely maintained direct eye contact with him for several seconds at a time, before looking down or somewhere else in the room, before returning to direct eye contact for several more seconds. What if you were to change your approach by only maintaining direct eye contact with him for a couple of brief seconds, perhaps looking away more often so he doesn’t feel like he’s been placed under a microscope? If you’ve ever experienced the feeling that comes with being stared at by someone for what seems like a very long time, you can then better understand how your husband or partner feels in these situations.
Men, think about the last time you were speaking with your wife or partner. How often did you look away, look down at your feet or back at the television or newspaper, while conversing with her? Is it any wonder then that she thinks you aren’t listening to her? She may even begin to raise the tone and volume of her voice to make sure you are even hearing her speak to you. What if you were to change your approach by increasing the number of seconds you maintain direct eye contact with her, perhaps giving some verbal signals to signify to her that you really are listening, occasionally leaning in towards her and physically touching her during conversation? She will love it! And she will love YOU even more because she will know you are paying close attention to her every word, and won’t feel as though she’s being ignored.
Differences between men and women’s verbal and non-verbal signals-
When speaking amongst each other, women typically will give verbal signals that are often called “listening noises” such as, “Uh Huh“, “Really?”, “Are you kidding me?”, and so on. Women often physically lean in towards the other person, sometimes reaching out to touch the other woman while in the midst of conversation. Women are also known to do things “in packs“, such as when groups of women go to the restroom together at a restaurant, just because one woman in the group suggests it. Men, on the other hand, give more non-verbal signals while communicating with other men, perhaps nodding their head or smiling to signify they are listening. You are much less likely to find a man leaning in towards or reaching out and touching the other man they are conversing with, and you certainly won’t find packs of men heading off to the restroom at the restaurant together like women do. Well, unless, never mind. 
How do men and women decide things differently?
Men and women also make decisions about things very differently, such as how each of the sexes go about asking for things they want or need. Remember, speak THEIR language, not your own. Women have been taught since childhood to use “hint language” when asking for something she wants or needs. A woman may say, “Honey, wouldn’t be nice to go see a movie tonight”?, when she really means “I want to go see a movie tonight”. Unfortunately, men often do not get the hint. This is due to the fact that “hint language” is not a part of a man’s language style, since men tend to take language very literally, focusing on the content of the message instead of hidden meanings. Given the question above, “Wouldn’t it be nice to go see a movie tonight”?, a man just might answer with an affirmative “No”, leaving the woman to wonder if her husband or partner even cares about what she wants or needs. Ladies, change your approach, by clearly stating the bottom line of what you want or need instead of dropping hints. Be direct. Women that have learned the art of assertive and respectful communication, without sounding bossy or aggressive, understand that when it comes to communication, delivery is everything.
Take a quick True-or-False “Men and Women Test” to determine how you fare in understanding some differences between men and women, and come back and give your test results.
Popularity: 100% [?]
32 responses so far ↓
1 RT Cunningham (11 comments.) // Jan 21, 2008 at 9:36 am
I wanted to argue with some points but couldn’t. It’s all true. However, my wife figured out how to get to me a LONG time ago. If I live to be 200, I’ll never figure out how to get to her in anything close to the same way. And no, I haven’t taken the test.
2 Lin (640 comments.) // Jan 21, 2008 at 9:40 am
LOL, I doubt any guy or girl will be able to effectively argue against this article. The test is pretty fun actually - I took the other day and did alright, but not nearly as well as I thought I would. It’s also not a paid link by any means.
3 Todd Morris (18 comments.) // Jan 21, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Hi Lin,
lol, I think the first step to having a good relationship is when both parties can actually recognize and accept the things you’ve written about in this article.
Men and Women do think differently.
Interestingly though, this is not an “across the board” sort of thing. For instance, my wife Ana and I are pretty much polar opposites in much of our thinking (but it works surprisingly well for us), but in some areas it could definitely be argued that I think more like the “woman”, while she takes the “manly” point of view.
… which of course she teases me about.
But, from talking to other couples I know, it’s probably not all that uncommon (although, getting most guys to admit it might be a bit harder).
Great subject, I wish I had more time to write a longer comment … but lately days off are “busy, busy, busy” for me.
Keep havin FuN!
Todd
Todd Morris’s last blog post..Keyword Sniping Works
4 Lin (640 comments.) // Jan 21, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Hi Todd,
Well aren’t YOU the odd one out?! hahaha Just kidding. I certainly realize there are exceptions to the rule, but it’s interesting to me just how well the two can efficiently blend once both parties accept and respect the differences.
5 Tara R. (4 comments.) // Jan 22, 2008 at 11:21 am
After reading this, I think my husband and I have exchanged brains… we are doing everything opposite. =)
Tara R.’s last blog post..Good news, bad news
6 Hungry Mother (45 comments.) // Jan 22, 2008 at 1:29 pm
I took the test, but didn’t get any results, so I guess “clueless” is my score. I’ve been communicating with women for many years, and with my wife for 41 years, but we still have plenty of misunderstandings in spite of the familiarity and good will we have toward each other.
7 Kilroy_60 (4 comments.) // Jan 23, 2008 at 5:51 pm
I don’t understand what she said.
…laughing
Kilroy_60’s last blog post..Blog Carnivals Are A Treasure Trove Of Opportunity
8 Ernie (1 comments.) // Jan 27, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I can take a hint…so long as I am hit repeatedly over the head with it.
Ernie’s last blog post..An Offer You Can?t Resist
9 Lightening (13 comments.) // Jan 29, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Love this post!!!
Lightening’s last blog post..Sneak Peek
10 Nevi // Feb 2, 2008 at 11:10 am
I couldnt help laughing.Its sooo dead on.
Nice one.
Nevi
11 Fiona (1 comments.) // Feb 2, 2008 at 3:55 pm
That explains so much. I wish I had heard bout some of these things earlier, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. =]
Fiona’s last blog post..Making A Difference
12 Lin (640 comments.) // Feb 2, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Nevi, thank you for your comment. I appreciate you taking the time to stop by and read my article.
Fiona, I know what you mean. Learning these things really does help improve communication between the sexes, whether in personal relationships or even with employers, co-workers, staff etc.
13 melissa (7 comments.) // Feb 2, 2008 at 5:26 pm
what a great post!! i can see why it was given the thumbs up!!
in my opinion…women become “pseudo” lesbians…not the physical kind…because we, as women, can understand each other, much better. that is why we have such close relationships…we make up what we are “lacking” in our marriage! my girlfriends know so much more about me…deeper…than my hubby. not saying he doesn’t know me…just, maybe not on the same level!
excellent post, honey!! you deserve all the publicity!!
xoxo
14 Lin (640 comments.) // Feb 2, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Thanks Melissa! Women definitely communicate very differently with each other than men do with other men.
15 JHS (7 comments.) // Feb 3, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Another great article! So much there I relate to . . . will have to come back and read it again, give it some more thought.
Thanks for contributing this post to this week’s Carnival of Family Life, hosted at A Child Chosen. The Carnival will be live on Monday, February 5, 2008, so I hope you and your readers will stop by and check out all of the fabulous entries included this week!
JHS’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
16 Lin (640 comments.) // Feb 3, 2008 at 12:51 pm
JHS, I will definitely come by and check out everyone’s posts in your carnival. I’ve found some incredible blogs by doing so! I’m looking forward to it.
17 Deborah Robinson (4 comments.) // Feb 4, 2008 at 9:29 am
This article has been included in the 4 February 2008 edition of Mom’s Blogging Carnival
18 Lin (640 comments.) // Feb 4, 2008 at 9:37 am
Hi Deborah, thank you for pointing that out. Lightening has an incredible list of articles on her blog carnival, and I’m busy going through them all and printing some off to read later.
19 http://masternation.diydating.com (2 comments.) // Feb 5, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Wow fantastic article however wanted to do the “Men and Women Test” only to find it didnt give the answers at the end shame!
20 Lin (640 comments.) // Feb 5, 2008 at 9:24 pm
I checked out the test again. When you click on whatever you think the correct answer is, you immediately see either a red color signifying you’re wrong, or a green color saying you’re right.
21 shane (1 comments.) // Feb 25, 2008 at 8:11 pm
LOL too funny, what a freaking post topic, what you bin smokin’ There should be a how men problem solve and how women problem solve. My girlfriend solves problems by talking about the problem making it huge , where as I just go out and figure it out. When she asked what do you think you should about that, I get the deer in the head lights look, then “I dunno”. What do you mean you don’t know? of course you do. Anything is better than I dunno ARRRRRRRGH drives me nuts. Which usually devolves into this is just last year when….. Why is it that women have so much attention in the past, answer that for me!!! Our personality types are quite different I dont discuss things that bother me I just go work them out and they’re done , then I move onto the next thing. I’m a classic driver. Where as My girlfriend is a classic expressive she’d much rather talk about whats bothering her in great length and detail while I follow her through the maze, hoping all the time that this is going to get some where (never does :-P).
Wow this is quite therapeutic, hahahahahaha
22 Lin (640 comments.) // Feb 25, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Hi Shane,
Sometimes things don’t quite work out the way we hope they will in relationships. Dealing with the differences in personalities makes it that much more difficult to come to resolutions both are happy with.
23 Tuni & G (1 comments.) // Apr 4, 2008 at 11:16 am
Can’t argue with it either. You’ve put the example of marriage but really this is important in any type of relationship like work and friends. People should make a conscious effort on knowing these details because it makes a whole of a lot of difference in all arenas of life in general.
“Great communicators are people who change their approach based upon the person they are talking to” TOUCHE!
24 Polina (6 comments.) // Apr 24, 2008 at 9:14 am
Enjoyed reading the post, it is very close to what I used to see in my life. When my husband is working/watching TV/reading some book - there is no sense to ask him about anything - he just doesn’t hear, as he’s all in process. And when I am trying to tell him something - he demands the short “intro” with the main idea on what the story is going to be about, and then allows me to re-tell in details if interested (I’m getting mad about it)…
25 Nevi // Apr 24, 2008 at 9:56 am
You are on the spot me thinks.I have noticed some of these things myself,and I agree.
Thanks.
26 Lin (640 comments.) // Apr 24, 2008 at 10:43 am
Thanks everyone. It is true that these same principles apply to people who are not married, but also applies to dating relationships as well.
Understanding the differences between men and women, why both men and women seem so “weird” can really help improve the relationship, especially with compromise.
27 Claire (1 comments.) // Jun 6, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I think Deborah Tannen wrote a book on the different speech styles of men and women and many psychologists recognize that there are different dynamics in play between men and women. Jungian psychology can often pinpoint differences in the psyches of men and women, even when we’d like to be more gender neutral. There’s the whole anima and animus thing too.
28 How to Fight Fair in Marriage | Telling It Like It Is // Jun 7, 2008 at 2:27 pm
[…] differences between men and women in personalities, and the differences in upbringing, is reason enough for conflicts and arguments […]
29 Thank You For Commenting Emails and Blog Comment Policies | Telling It Like It Is // Jun 30, 2008 at 4:05 pm
[…] most recent occurrence was from someone wishing to comment on my article, “Why Are Women So Strange and Men So Weird?” (that recently received almost 4000 hits from Stumble Upon in a matter of a few hours), with ten […]
30 justin @ practical parenting advice (1 comments.) // Jul 9, 2008 at 9:42 am
I so get the diffences in communication part. My wife is always try to get me to talk more but I feel I have nothing interesting to say or to talk about.
Sometimes it is hard especially when I do make an effort and get a blank stare as if “wow, you really don’t have anything interesting to say”
31 Lin (640 comments.) // Jul 9, 2008 at 6:00 pm
LOL Justin, that’s one of the reasons of the many reasons why I read as much as I do. Having something interesting to talk about doesn’t necessarily mean having to talk a lot. Sometimes communication is about sharing feelings, and I’m sure you have those, so maybe you can think about ways in which you can share your feelings with your wife. That can often begin some wonderful conversations.
32 April (3 comments.) // Jul 21, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I’m a bit confused because I feel that I fit into both camps. When I’m working I’m really focused on what I’m doing and tend to forget to carry out other tasks. However I can “stew” on my emotions throughout the day in other circumstances.
Leave a Comment