Rarely a day goes by where I don’t hear young children and teenagers speaking in an extremely disrespectful manner toward their parents, even cussing at their parents. What I find most amazing is that the disrespectful, inflammatory language towards their parents often goes completely ignored. Not so much as a parent firmly telling their children not to speak to them that way, that such language will not be tolerated, followed by appropriate punishment to really drive home the point. I shake my head in disbelief and complete disappointment in parents these days, who are shirking their responsibility to be tough but loving, teaching and training their children in matters of respect towards parents and other authority figures. Parents who don’t get this problem under control while their children are still very young, are in for a real shock when they reach the “surviving the teen years” stage.
Parents tell their children not to whine, complain, throw a temper tantrum, hit their brother or sister etc, but when the parents are upset or frustrated about something, profanities start flying without hesitation. School teachers struggle to maintain decorum and control of classrooms full of disrespectful children and teenagers, only to be told by parents that their job is to teach math and science, not subjective morality. Women who used to flinch at the utterance of coarse language are more commonly using the very words previously thought of as repulsive and vulgar.
Gone are the days of men controlling their use of cuss words and other vulgarities in the presence of women. Parents who verbally abuse each other, calling each other hurtful names, using profane language with each other, are equally guilty of abusing their children by such speech. Is it any wonder that our society is filled with children and teenagers who have zero respect for any form of authority, especially their own parents? What is a parent to do?
Set the right example-
Television programs, movies, actors and actresses, children’s cartoons, video and online games are loaded with profane and vulgar language, yet parents don’t pay close enough attention to what they’re children are learning from them. Teaching children how to be respectful towards others, controlling their emotions and dealing with their problems, cannot be learned by regularly exposing children to such things in the media or from their own parents mouths.
I recently overheard my eighteen year-old daughter talking on the telephone to one of her classmates saying, “Dude, I can’t believe you just said that to your mom. My mom would kill me if I talked to her that way!” Although I’m not one to “kill” my child for any reason, my children learned from a very young age to speak and behave in a respectful manner to everyone they came in contact with, maintaining zero tolerance of disrespect or cussing for any reason. They were taught to learn new words to convey their thoughts, emotions and feelings, without resorting to vulgarities. My biggest concern was not “surviving the teen years” with my children, but was more broadly focused on not raising “children who refuse to grow up” and making sure they grew up understanding that there is a difference between “helping and enabling” children, so they would grow up to become self-sufficient adults.
Making substitutions-
It is my firm belief that cussing and swearing, whether by children or adults, is simply lazy language skills. Cussing and swearing puts an immediate point across, leaving its meaning and tone very clear to anyone in listening range. Just because such language is more commonly used, and supposedly some of its harshness has been lost, doesn’t make it alright. Striving to build ones vocabulary with words that communicate just as clearly and effectively doesn’t have to become stale, monotonous, tedious, boring, trite or lackluster.
James O’Connor, author of Cuss Control: The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing
Appropriate discipline needed-
Linda Metcalf, author of Parenting Toward Solutions
But most importantly, parents must set the right example for their children, themselves behaving and speaking with proper respect toward others, without resorting to the perceived “easy way out” of cussing.
Helpful Resources:
Raising Children with Tough Love
Cuss Control: The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing
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22 responses so far ↓
1 Kevin @ Change Your Tree (8 comments.) // Jan 4, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Great article!
I really enjoyed reading this as I have noticed the same thing on many occasions.
And it’s not just with cuss words, but with blatant actions that aren’t getting corrected. Sometimes it’s cuss words, other times it’s screaming back at the parents in a rage.
Failing to teach kids how to manage their emotions and speech is emotional abuse; and this type of negligent parenting is the reason why so many adults have issues these days.
Thanks for the article.
Kevin @ Change Your Tree’s last blog post..Eight Ways YOU Can Participate at Change Your Tree
2 ShadowKnight (2 comments.) // Jan 5, 2008 at 3:02 am
That is a great article. Children need to be taught respect and how to express themselves early on. Cussing is not acceptable and should not be tolerated by anyone!
ShadowKnight’s last blog post..Win 500 Entrecard Credits
3 Apple iPhone review (1 comments.) // Jan 5, 2008 at 5:03 am
Excellent! Your article is very much resourceful. Thanks for sharing.
4 Kim (1 comments.) // Jan 5, 2008 at 10:55 am
My oldest son had a lot of problems growing up, but cussing me out wasn’t one of them. He knew that that was something that I would absolutely not tolerate!!
Kim’s last blog post..Drop your card!
5 Frank C (9 comments.) // Jan 5, 2008 at 1:39 pm
This is something I have to watch myself, particularly in front of my son. I got in the bad habit of cussing when I was in the Marines and I have to be careful not to let it come out when it shouldn’t.
Frank C’s last blog post..Secret Guide to Social Blogging Success - Part II
6 Lin (793 comments.) // Jan 5, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Kevin, I agree it goes way beyond using cuss words. Talking back to parents or other authority figures is going ignored as well. I’ll be writing something along those lines soon too.
Shadow, good point. A question I have running through my mind is, Do parents even know what “respect” even is, in order to properly teach it to their children? Hmmm
Kim, Good for you girl! My daughter that I quoted in the post just finished reading the article and clearly remembers that conversation on the phone. With some kids all it takes it giving them the “evil eye”, which my daughter says I do quite well.
Frank, I can definitely understand how being in the Marines can become a habit. I can’t say for sure that, if I had been in the military in some way, that I wouldn’t have found myself doing the very same. It’s good that you’re taking steps to control it in front of your son. Good job!
7 Shelia (2 comments.) // Jan 5, 2008 at 7:47 pm
This is a really substantial post. But you’re preaching to the choir. I knew that the people who would respond would be those who don’t need the book or other help. Those who need it probably cussed the post out, LOL!
Hopefully some of those who need it will stop by and take a read and see themselves in it. It really is helpful.
Shelia’s last blog post..Venus Williams Beats Maria Sharapova to Win Hong Kong Exhibition
8 Lin (793 comments.) // Jan 5, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Shelia, I don’t think that’s true at all. Some people have read the post but did not choose to comment publicly. They preferred to email me privately with their comments and struggle to get this under control in their own homes.
9 Shelia (2 comments.) // Jan 5, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Much to my surprise, I happily stand corrected!
Shelia’s last blog post..Venus Williams Beats Maria Sharapova to Win Hong Kong Exhibition
10 Sue Doe-Nim (2 comments.) // Jan 6, 2008 at 12:30 am
Proof that I’m (slowly) becoming an adult: I did not leave “F*** Yeah, sistah.” as a comment.
But I sure thought about it (a lot).
Sue Doe-Nim’s last blog post..She Needs a Mother
11 ABunsLife (2 comments.) // Jan 6, 2008 at 10:45 am
I’m embarrassed for those parents who get so disrespected by their kids when we are over at their house for playdates or whatever, and then my kids try to pull the same thing but we do not tolerate any back talk, foul language of any sort. ( I probably go overboard in this area, but they are still pretty young so we consider stupid to still be a bad word) I was respectful and didn’t talk back or cuss at my parents but that was out of fear, not true respect. We are working hard on the true respect factor. That is much harder to achieve.
ABunsLife’s last blog post..Warm Lovin
12 danni // Jan 6, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Dear Madam,
Firstly I wish to apologise, I do not in anyway mean to cause you disrespect or intend to “show up” or embarrass you by leaving this comment but I think it is important that your audience and readers see another point of view. As you corrected an earlier lady, anyone with disagreeing comments have sent you private emails.
My second apology comes in the form of my disagreement with your article. Although your article makes a fair and strong point, as a fifteen year old girl myself I can flaw your logic.
Yes, the newer generations are getting ruder. I have said it myself about the year sevens in my school, when I was in their year I NEVER would have had the nerve to purposely cheek or barge into a student in the elder classes but I find that I am having it done to me. But back to my original point we are looking at a developing world, the world isn’t perfect, swear words exist because we created them. As for your reference to encouraging children to use different words such as phooey and darn it; good idea though it may be as soon as that child gets to school he or she will be taught the other words anyway, and will probably be picked on for saying such loose terms.
In lower years at school I myself was laughed at for saying “for Pete’s sake” instead of the preferred “for f**ks sake”, in fact some of the children in my class were oblivious to the fact that such a remark even existed.
Also you made reference to a time in-which women flinched at profanities and men controlled their cussing. But these were also the days where women had no rights and stayed home all day to cook and clean. That is not a world that I would willingly recess to.
I personally think that modern day parenting is an outrage. If a parent isn’t to controlling they are too lax there are too few balances. If a parent allows a child to do what they want then they will happily go out and do wrong, but if a parent is too fixed and controlling with a child then they shall go out and purposely to wrong to make a statement. It’s a double edged sword. But I don’t think, not even for a second, that bringing up children not to swear will make them into a bad person; they are just words. Sometimes swearing can be a character flaw, or a release of anger. Better a rude word then a punch.
Thank you for taking the time to read this
Daniella
13 Jo // Jan 6, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I am a teenager myself and i have never EVER ‘cussed’ my parents, in pure fear that my dad would ground me. Anyway, this is a ridiculous post as it is truely biased against us teenagers and young children. However, I do agree that we should not cuss at our parents but that does not mean that our communication with other teenagers can not be fulled with ‘cuss language’. What we say to our friends is up to us not up to our parents!
14 Lin (793 comments.) // Jan 6, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Danni, I appreciate you taking the comment. In my mention of people emailing me privately regarding this topic, it was not to disagree with my points, but rather discussion about their personal struggles to get their own children not to cuss at them.
As they felt embarrassed and frustrated about the topic, they did not want to comment publicly on this post, so private discussion has taken place.
I must respectfully disagree with your premise that the women who used to flinch at vulgar words are all from the time of no rights, or staying at home to cook and clean. I personally am not from that time, and I still to this day flinch when such words are used in my presence.
I also believe that anyone, children/teens/adults, who use such words have lazy language skills. There are many words that can be used to express one’s opinion and views without relenting into vulgarity.
I agree with you, modern day parenting is an outrage. And this is just one of many topics where parents have become lax. Regardless of where children hear or learn these words, it should never be acceptable or tolerated for children/teens to speak this way to their parents and other authority figures. I dare anyone to speak like that to a Judge in a courtroom and see where it gets ya. The respect for a Judge in a courtroom should not be any different for respect and proper language skills towards parents and other authority figures.
Jo, I must disagree with you that this post is biased against children and teens. It simply points out what I believe to be an incredible increase of young children and teens who do speak this way towards their parents and authority figures, and nothing is being done about it. All it takes is watching some very popular television shows/talk shows putting on display the behaviors of such children cussing at their parents, and displaying outright disrespect in various forms for their parents.
Children should not cuss at their parents or other authority figures. Nor should teens or adults. This post is directed towards parents who by their own example of using such words are raising children to be disrespectful in many ways towards authority figures, and steps needed to change it around. (see Frank’s comment).
Parents must set the right example by not using these words themselves, and by not tolerating the use of these type words by their own children.
15 danni // Jan 6, 2008 at 2:08 pm
in your own words you have just said its unacceptable for children/teens to be dissrespective to their parents, but what is said that all parents are owed that respect??
i doubt you expect that we respect adults who talk down to us, treat us disrespectfully??
16 Jo // Jan 6, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I’m sorry but I have to point this out. You are categorising all teenagers who swear as being disrespectful to their parents when in actual fact, yes practically all teenagers swear but that does not mean that we are all disrespectful to our parents. If we OURSELVES decide to use ‘bad language’ then why does that mean that we are disrespecting everyone else around us?
I personally, use bad language when I am angry or talking to someone who uses bad language in each sentence, it is not used as disrespect but as a way to allow anger to escape instead of allowing it to build up inside until you cant contain it any longer.
Teenagers who go on these talk shows are what we now refer to as chavs. I am not being a stereotype but these teenagers have been brought up with little respect given to they themselves from society so they feel that they are only being fair by giving a lack of respect back. Children who are not respected by parents or other ‘authority figures’ do not see why should give respect to those who have not earn’t it.
17 Lin (793 comments.) // Jan 6, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Danni, I know full well (firsthand experience) that there are parents who treat their own children in ways that makes it difficult if not near impossible for their children to show respect towards them. That being said, I do believe that children and teens should be respectful (there are many ways of showing respect) towards their parents at all times. If you’ve ever read any of my stories in my “personal” category, you’d know what I mean by “firsthand experience”, despite everything, I still am respectful towards my parents. Because they are my parents, and it’s what I believe God expects of children.
“Adults who talk down to us and treat us disrespectfully”? I’m not sure who you are referring to here, teachers, parents, relatives, etc. The old saying, treat others how we want them to treat us, applies not only to adults but children and teens alike.
And by that I do not mean that anyone should accept or tolerate outright abuse, but I don’t get the feeling that it’s what you’re implying here. There are ways of asserting yourself, standing up for your personal rights etc, without being disrespectful or cussing.
Jo, not all children/teens who cuss do so in the presence of their parents, or direct it at the parents. My post is targeted towards children and teens who cuss at their parents, teachers etc, and parents who do nothing about it.
I realize that teens cuss amongst each other quite regularly and it is considered by teens to be an accepted form of communication, not meant to be disrespectful amongst friends etc.
I figured it wouldn’t take long for someone in your age group to mention “children who are not respected by parents or other authority figures do not see why they should give respect to those who have not earned it”.
I have found there to be a real disconnect between what teens consider to be appropriate respect shown towards them (what “respect” even means to teens these days), and giving due respect to those in authority over them.
From my observances, the common denominator seems to always go back to the teen thinking of him or herself first and primary, “it’s all about me”, “show me respect FIRST and I’ll show you respect SECOND. Maybe.”
Children and teens need to show respect towards their elders. Period.
18 Jo // Jan 6, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Elders need to show respect towards teens and children. Period.
19 danni // Jan 6, 2008 at 3:42 pm
what adults and elders dont understand is that there is a difference between children and teens. some adults are under the influence that if a child is one way as a child they will stay that way. some do dont get me wrong i have friends who have but i have friends who couldnt be more different, when we become teens we dont think we should have respect first because we showed it as children, we think we should get more respect. children dont get so much respect in the same way, they are loved and cared for but not listened to as teens should be. once youve hit adolecence you have your own opinions that you have thought about in a way that a seven or eight year old couldnt. therefore it should be listened to, listening is a form of respect and thats whats missing, if a parent isnt listening to you, shouting over you why shouldnt you do the same. respect works both ways.
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