Zero Tolerance for Disrespectful, Cussing Kids
Rarely a day goes by where I don’t hear young children and teenagers speaking in an extremely disrespectful manner toward their parents, even cussing at their parents. What I find most amazing is that the disrespectful, inflammatory language towards their parents often goes completely ignored. Not so much as a parent firmly telling their children not to speak to them that way, that such language will not be tolerated, followed by appropriate punishment to really drive home the point. I shake my head in disbelief and complete disappointment in parents these days, who are shirking their responsibility to be tough but loving, teaching and training their children in matters of respect towards parents and other authority figures. Parents who don’t get this problem under control while their children are still very young, are in for a real shock when they reach the “surviving the teen years” stage.
Parents tell their children not to whine, complain, throw a temper tantrum, hit their brother or sister etc, but when the parents are upset or frustrated about something, profanities start flying without hesitation. School teachers struggle to maintain decorum and control of classrooms full of disrespectful children and teenagers, only to be told by parents that their job is to teach math and science, not subjective morality. Women who used to flinch at the utterance of coarse language are more commonly using the very words previously thought of as repulsive and vulgar.
Gone are the days of men controlling their use of cuss words and other vulgarities in the presence of women. Parents who verbally abuse each other, calling each other hurtful names, using profane language with each other, are equally guilty of abusing their children by such speech. Is it any wonder that our society is filled with children and teenagers who have zero respect for any form of authority, especially their own parents? What is a parent to do?
Set the right example-
Television programs, movies, actors and actresses, children’s cartoons, video and online games are loaded with profane and vulgar language, yet parents don’t pay close enough attention to what they’re children are learning from them. Teaching children how to be respectful towards others, controlling their emotions and dealing with their problems, cannot be learned by regularly exposing children to such things in the media or from their own parents mouths.
I recently overheard my eighteen year-old daughter talking on the telephone to one of her classmates saying, “Dude, I can’t believe you just said that to your mom. My mom would kill me if I talked to her that way!” Although I’m not one to “kill” my child for any reason, my children learned from a very young age to speak and behave in a respectful manner to everyone they came in contact with, maintaining zero tolerance of disrespect or cussing for any reason. They were taught to learn new words to convey their thoughts, emotions and feelings, without resorting to vulgarities. My biggest concern was not “surviving the teen years” with my children, but was more broadly focused on not raising “children who refuse to grow up” and making sure they grew up understanding that there is a difference between “helping and enabling” children, so they would grow up to become self-sufficient adults.
Making substitutions-
It is my firm belief that cussing and swearing, whether by children or adults, is simply lazy language skills. Cussing and swearing puts an immediate point across, leaving its meaning and tone very clear to anyone in listening range. Just because such language is more commonly used, and supposedly some of its harshness has been lost, doesn’t make it alright. Striving to build ones vocabulary with words that communicate just as clearly and effectively doesn’t have to become stale, monotonous, tedious, boring, trite or lackluster.
James O’Connor, author of Cuss Control: The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing
Appropriate discipline needed-
Linda Metcalf, author of Parenting Toward Solutions
But most importantly, parents must set the right example for their children, themselves behaving and speaking with proper respect toward others, without resorting to the perceived “easy way out” of cussing.
Helpful Resources:
Raising Children with Tough Love
Cuss Control: The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing
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Great article!
I really enjoyed reading this as I have noticed the same thing on many occasions.
And it’s not just with cuss words, but with blatant actions that aren’t getting corrected. Sometimes it’s cuss words, other times it’s screaming back at the parents in a rage.
Failing to teach kids how to manage their emotions and speech is emotional abuse; and this type of negligent parenting is the reason why so many adults have issues these days.
Thanks for the article.
Kevin @ Change Your Tree’s last blog post..Eight Ways YOU Can Participate at Change Your Tree
That is a great article. Children need to be taught respect and how to express themselves early on. Cussing is not acceptable and should not be tolerated by anyone!
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Excellent! Your article is very much resourceful. Thanks for sharing.
My oldest son had a lot of problems growing up, but cussing me out wasn’t one of them. He knew that that was something that I would absolutely not tolerate!!
Kim’s last blog post..Drop your card!
This is something I have to watch myself, particularly in front of my son. I got in the bad habit of cussing when I was in the Marines and I have to be careful not to let it come out when it shouldn’t.
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Kevin, I agree it goes way beyond using cuss words. Talking back to parents or other authority figures is going ignored as well. I’ll be writing something along those lines soon too.
Shadow, good point. A question I have running through my mind is, Do parents even know what “respect” even is, in order to properly teach it to their children? Hmmm
Kim, Good for you girl! My daughter that I quoted in the post just finished reading the article and clearly remembers that conversation on the phone. With some kids all it takes it giving them the “evil eye”, which my daughter says I do quite well.
Frank, I can definitely understand how being in the Marines can become a habit. I can’t say for sure that, if I had been in the military in some way, that I wouldn’t have found myself doing the very same. It’s good that you’re taking steps to control it in front of your son. Good job!
This is a really substantial post. But you’re preaching to the choir. I knew that the people who would respond would be those who don’t need the book or other help. Those who need it probably cussed the post out, LOL!
Hopefully some of those who need it will stop by and take a read and see themselves in it. It really is helpful.
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Shelia, I don’t think that’s true at all. Some people have read the post but did not choose to comment publicly. They preferred to email me privately with their comments and struggle to get this under control in their own homes.
Much to my surprise, I happily stand corrected!
Shelia’s last blog post..Venus Williams Beats Maria Sharapova to Win Hong Kong Exhibition
Proof that I’m (slowly) becoming an adult: I did not leave “F*** Yeah, sistah.” as a comment.
But I sure thought about it (a lot).
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I’m embarrassed for those parents who get so disrespected by their kids when we are over at their house for playdates or whatever, and then my kids try to pull the same thing but we do not tolerate any back talk, foul language of any sort. ( I probably go overboard in this area, but they are still pretty young so we consider stupid to still be a bad word) I was respectful and didn’t talk back or cuss at my parents but that was out of fear, not true respect. We are working hard on the true respect factor. That is much harder to achieve.
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Dear Madam,
Firstly I wish to apologise, I do not in anyway mean to cause you disrespect or intend to “show up” or embarrass you by leaving this comment but I think it is important that your audience and readers see another point of view. As you corrected an earlier lady, anyone with disagreeing comments have sent you private emails.
My second apology comes in the form of my disagreement with your article. Although your article makes a fair and strong point, as a fifteen year old girl myself I can flaw your logic.
Yes, the newer generations are getting ruder. I have said it myself about the year sevens in my school, when I was in their year I NEVER would have had the nerve to purposely cheek or barge into a student in the elder classes but I find that I am having it done to me. But back to my original point we are looking at a developing world, the world isn’t perfect, swear words exist because we created them. As for your reference to encouraging children to use different words such as phooey and darn it; good idea though it may be as soon as that child gets to school he or she will be taught the other words anyway, and will probably be picked on for saying such loose terms.
In lower years at school I myself was laughed at for saying “for Pete’s sake” instead of the preferred “for f**ks sake”, in fact some of the children in my class were oblivious to the fact that such a remark even existed.
Also you made reference to a time in-which women flinched at profanities and men controlled their cussing. But these were also the days where women had no rights and stayed home all day to cook and clean. That is not a world that I would willingly recess to.
I personally think that modern day parenting is an outrage. If a parent isn’t to controlling they are too lax there are too few balances. If a parent allows a child to do what they want then they will happily go out and do wrong, but if a parent is too fixed and controlling with a child then they shall go out and purposely to wrong to make a statement. It’s a double edged sword. But I don’t think, not even for a second, that bringing up children not to swear will make them into a bad person; they are just words. Sometimes swearing can be a character flaw, or a release of anger. Better a rude word then a punch.
Thank you for taking the time to read this
Daniella
I am a teenager myself and i have never EVER ‘cussed’ my parents, in pure fear that my dad would ground me. Anyway, this is a ridiculous post as it is truely biased against us teenagers and young children. However, I do agree that we should not cuss at our parents but that does not mean that our communication with other teenagers can not be fulled with ‘cuss language’. What we say to our friends is up to us not up to our parents!
Danni, I appreciate you taking the comment. In my mention of people emailing me privately regarding this topic, it was not to disagree with my points, but rather discussion about their personal struggles to get their own children not to cuss at them.
As they felt embarrassed and frustrated about the topic, they did not want to comment publicly on this post, so private discussion has taken place.
I must respectfully disagree with your premise that the women who used to flinch at vulgar words are all from the time of no rights, or staying at home to cook and clean. I personally am not from that time, and I still to this day flinch when such words are used in my presence.
I also believe that anyone, children/teens/adults, who use such words have lazy language skills. There are many words that can be used to express one’s opinion and views without relenting into vulgarity.
I agree with you, modern day parenting is an outrage. And this is just one of many topics where parents have become lax. Regardless of where children hear or learn these words, it should never be acceptable or tolerated for children/teens to speak this way to their parents and other authority figures. I dare anyone to speak like that to a Judge in a courtroom and see where it gets ya. The respect for a Judge in a courtroom should not be any different for respect and proper language skills towards parents and other authority figures.
Jo, I must disagree with you that this post is biased against children and teens. It simply points out what I believe to be an incredible increase of young children and teens who do speak this way towards their parents and authority figures, and nothing is being done about it. All it takes is watching some very popular television shows/talk shows putting on display the behaviors of such children cussing at their parents, and displaying outright disrespect in various forms for their parents.
Children should not cuss at their parents or other authority figures. Nor should teens or adults. This post is directed towards parents who by their own example of using such words are raising children to be disrespectful in many ways towards authority figures, and steps needed to change it around. (see Frank’s comment).
Parents must set the right example by not using these words themselves, and by not tolerating the use of these type words by their own children.
in your own words you have just said its unacceptable for children/teens to be dissrespective to their parents, but what is said that all parents are owed that respect??
i doubt you expect that we respect adults who talk down to us, treat us disrespectfully??
I’m sorry but I have to point this out. You are categorising all teenagers who swear as being disrespectful to their parents when in actual fact, yes practically all teenagers swear but that does not mean that we are all disrespectful to our parents. If we OURSELVES decide to use ‘bad language’ then why does that mean that we are disrespecting everyone else around us?
I personally, use bad language when I am angry or talking to someone who uses bad language in each sentence, it is not used as disrespect but as a way to allow anger to escape instead of allowing it to build up inside until you cant contain it any longer.
Teenagers who go on these talk shows are what we now refer to as chavs. I am not being a stereotype but these teenagers have been brought up with little respect given to they themselves from society so they feel that they are only being fair by giving a lack of respect back. Children who are not respected by parents or other ‘authority figures’ do not see why should give respect to those who have not earn’t it.
Danni, I know full well (firsthand experience) that there are parents who treat their own children in ways that makes it difficult if not near impossible for their children to show respect towards them. That being said, I do believe that children and teens should be respectful (there are many ways of showing respect) towards their parents at all times. If you’ve ever read any of my stories in my “personal” category, you’d know what I mean by “firsthand experience”, despite everything, I still am respectful towards my parents. Because they are my parents, and it’s what I believe God expects of children.
“Adults who talk down to us and treat us disrespectfully”? I’m not sure who you are referring to here, teachers, parents, relatives, etc. The old saying, treat others how we want them to treat us, applies not only to adults but children and teens alike.
And by that I do not mean that anyone should accept or tolerate outright abuse, but I don’t get the feeling that it’s what you’re implying here. There are ways of asserting yourself, standing up for your personal rights etc, without being disrespectful or cussing.
Jo, not all children/teens who cuss do so in the presence of their parents, or direct it at the parents. My post is targeted towards children and teens who cuss at their parents, teachers etc, and parents who do nothing about it.
I realize that teens cuss amongst each other quite regularly and it is considered by teens to be an accepted form of communication, not meant to be disrespectful amongst friends etc.
I figured it wouldn’t take long for someone in your age group to mention “children who are not respected by parents or other authority figures do not see why they should give respect to those who have not earned it”.
I have found there to be a real disconnect between what teens consider to be appropriate respect shown towards them (what “respect” even means to teens these days), and giving due respect to those in authority over them.
From my observances, the common denominator seems to always go back to the teen thinking of him or herself first and primary, “it’s all about me”, “show me respect FIRST and I’ll show you respect SECOND. Maybe.”
Children and teens need to show respect towards their elders. Period.
Elders need to show respect towards teens and children. Period.
what adults and elders dont understand is that there is a difference between children and teens. some adults are under the influence that if a child is one way as a child they will stay that way. some do dont get me wrong i have friends who have but i have friends who couldnt be more different, when we become teens we dont think we should have respect first because we showed it as children, we think we should get more respect. children dont get so much respect in the same way, they are loved and cared for but not listened to as teens should be. once youve hit adolecence you have your own opinions that you have thought about in a way that a seven or eight year old couldnt. therefore it should be listened to, listening is a form of respect and thats whats missing, if a parent isnt listening to you, shouting over you why shouldnt you do the same. respect works both ways.
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What do you do when your adult son who has bipolar disorder, conduct disorder, you name it, been to prison, cusses and uses vulgar and rude language and laughs at you when you say don’t. I taught him to be respectful at a very early age and I once had control and his respect, but that is long gone. He even is starting to make sexual comments to me and my daughter and thinks it funny that we flip out. He tells me I need to grow up. We’re adults he says. So disappointing and scary.
Hi Suzanne, although we’ve been having a conversation about this by email, I wanted to respond here as well for anyone else who might be wondering the same thing.
I hold firmly to Zero Tolerance, regardless of treatable conditions such as BiPolar disorder or anything else that is often used as an excuse for lousy behavior and zero respect.
Your son is an adult, and there is nothing wrong with putting your foot down firmly by letting him know in no uncertain terms that speaking to you disrespectfully or cussing at you will not be tolerated under any circumstances.
Tell him straight up and without mincing your words that anytime he talks to you or your daughter in those ways he is NOT welcome in your home and to Get Out Now. Open the door and kick him out of your home. Tell him he is only welcome to step foot in your home when he shows you and your daughter the respect you both deserve, otherwise “don’t come back”.
Say it and mean it. Change the locks if you have to. Make clear to your daughter that he is not allowed in the home unless YOU say so, and not to even open the door if he’s standing there knocking etc. Under no circumstances should you allow this to continue. Do not allow his diagnosis of BiPolar as an excuse to treat you and your daughter this way. If he’s taking medication at all, that should at least help him be clear minded enough to understand when you tell him under no circumstances will that language be tolerated. If he’s not taking medication for BiPolar, then he’s chosen to not be under treatment for whatever his reasons/excuses. Do not allow him to disrupt your home and family environment with his attitude and behavior. Show him where the door is, and then close and lock it behind him, and the ONLY time he is welcome back in your home is when he’s shown by his change of attitude and behavior that he will respect you and your home.
I am seeing a counselor starting this week so I am planning on following your advice. It’s so hard to regain control. Hope this helps others not to lose it in the first place. And I might add, some of us have taught our children well but they choose not to be the people they were raised to be. Then we, the parents, are so lost in disappointment that we don’t handle the problem. I am single with no other family and have become pretty much isolated. That makes for no support system and it’s not easy to lock your only son out and walk away. But I’m taking steps and have faith things will turn around.
You’ve never had to deal with someone who has full blown Bipolar Disorder, have you? Often they really can’t control it, and even on medication, sometimes the drugs don’t work. At all. It can take YEARS to find the right balance of medications, and in the mean time it takes a lot of hard work and patience in all concerned to moderate behavior. And even then it’s not always possible. Yes, Bipolar is treatable, but with vastly differing success levels in different people.
I have Bipolar Disorder. I very recently started a new course of treatment that actually seems to be working, and one of the more obvious changes is that I’ve stopped swearing. I didn’t used to, when I was young, but when the Bipolar kicked in, so did the language. Every time one of those bad words slipped out my mouth, a part of me was shocked and appalled, but I couldn’t stop it. Most of the time I didn’t even realize I’d said it until someone looked at me with a shocked expression. It’s the same with the mood swings…I KNEW I was overreacting, but I couldn’t stop it. And believe me, I did try. Getting on the right medication has stopped it, without me even thinking about it at all, which tells me that my sense of shame and flabbergasted horror when those words would fall from my lips was right on target… it wasn’t me talking.
Bipolar Disorder is essentially a brain chemistry imbalance… one that can be difficult up to impossible to fully correct. And poor control over language use is one of the more common symptoms… falls right in with poor temper management. We hear the words, just walking around in public, so they’re in our brains, for good, they can’t be erased, and when your internal filter does not work, those words can come out with no real intention of using them. It’s not an excuse, though some people may use it as such, it’s the way the brain works when the chemicals aren’t right. Sometimes that can be corrected, sometimes it can’t, and calling mental illness an excuse is disrespectful, and demeans the years of heartache, anguish, and desperation that go with these disorders. Never mind the ridiculously hard work it is for those of us so afflicted to deal with them from the inside.
So while you are quite correct that smutty language is bad for relationships, disrespectful, rude, and I’ll even go so far as to agree with you on the lazy point, please don’t make statements concerning mental illnesses that are clearly based in your own personal feelings and not a factual understanding of the diseases themselves. It’s offensive, and discriminatory, and I did not appreciate it one little bit.
That being said… I quite agree with your suggestions as to how Suzanne should handle the situation with her son. Regardless of his illnesses, he is a legal adult, and her choices at this point are to have him committed to a mental institution (good luck with that, it’s a lot harder after 18), or establish control by the only means she still has available… control over her home and what behavior is acceptable within.
@Suzanne – he’s an adult, hon. You have the right to lay down a very simple rule: Disrespectful behavior is not allowed in my home. Those who cannot behave in a polite fashion are not welcome either.
If you enforce it, you might be surprised… mental illness or no, he may just learn.
Neddah,
Yes, I have had to deal with someone on a daily basis who was diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder in his late teens. You’re right that BiPolar Medications are difficult to get balanced out correctly, and I’ve had firsthand experience with that as well with that young man. After years of taking medication for BiPolar, this young man was tested and retested numerous times, where eventually the doctors came to the conclusion that the diagnosis of BiPolar Disorder was incorrect. More tests were taken and eventually another diagnosis was made, something entirely different from BiPolar and much more serious in my opinion. In my opinion…, children are diagnosed and mis-diagnosed with all sorts of “childhood diseases” all the time, including ADD or ADHD. Not to mention all the medications kids are put on because someone (a doctor or parent) makes a snap judgment that their child MUST be ADD or BiPolar or…..insert whatever illness you wish.
I stand by my response to Suzanne, who did not say her son was a young child diagnosed with bipolar, but is actually a grown man who chooses/refuses to take any medications for his diagnosis. If Suzanne had said her experience was with a young child or pre-teen exhibiting these behaviors, I would have recommended she take her son to the doctor and have some tests run to find a possible cause of his behavior. Then get a second and even third opinion. That was obviously not the case.
Children who are BiPolar, and even children who have Turette Syndrome (sp?) and/or other conditions, have been shown to use bad language without any intention of doing so and often find themselves shocked when such words come out of their mouth. That was not what Suzanne was talking about, so I did not respond as if that was what she was referring to.
The young man I mentioned earlier, who was mis-diagnosed with Bi-Polar and loaded up with medications to help curb an illness he didn’t actually have, was eventually put into prison where he remains to this day. The true “illness” this young man has I won’t detail here because it’s completely irrelevant to this discussion, but had he been properly diagnosed years ago, perhaps his family and victims wouldn’t be suffering from his choices and actions taken.
Hi Neddah,
I am glad you have found the right medication and things are good in your life. My situation is very different as my son doesn’t care and thinks everyone else has the problem. When he was a child, I could not have asked for a better boy. As he matured he became totally unmanageable and now is in jail. I have had him removed from my home too many times to count. He has broken furniture, put holes in solid oak doors, (thank God it wasn’t me or my daughter) cussed us every vile word he knows. For nothing but the power of him having control over us being afraid. On many occasions when I have called the police out because he is intoxicated or on street drugs, they have advised me and my daughter to leave until he calms down. Talk about making the situation worse. He has laughed at us as we are getting a few things and leaving MY home. He is always sorry later, but we have to deal with him in the moment of violence and cannot wait til later. He has other issues besides bi-polar, but I doubt he will change and opt to manage himself until forced.
By going to counseling I am realizing that I am his mother only, not his keeper. I had him in the doctor’s office many times, hospital, testing, counseling, rehab, jail visits you name it. My job is done except to be supportive and love him. I don’t have to be a victim. It’s up to him at this age to accept responsibility for his own treatment. And it’s up to me to demand a safe environment for myself. That’s what I am trying to do. Good luck to you always.
Hi Lin,
I wanted to say that I visited my son in jail today and he had written a poem which was an expression of his feelings. One of his friends was there also and my son told him to read it silently because I wouldn’t care for the vulgar parts. So I took that as a sign he’s getting a clue that some words are not for mothers. He told me it is a really good poem to which I told him I’d take his word for it and he put it away. Before counseling I would have read it anyway thinking I should always be involved in everything he did. Now I know there are parts of him that I should stay out of. So I have set a boundary not only for him but for me as well. I know it’s a small step but I’m doing it.
Suzanne, I’m so glad you’ve been working hard to discover the numerous benefits of allowing your grown children to lead their own lives and deal with their own self-made problems. Setting boundaries of what is and is not acceptable behavior, and then sticking to the boundaries firmly is hard but necessary. Good for you that you are sticking to your plan to not be pulled into drama-like situations, and I’m thrilled you decided not to read that poem. You’re showing you mean business. Yeah!