2008 February

It’s Been an Insane Week

Posted by Lin on February 29, 2008

I haven’t been able to post anything new since Monday because my FIL is in the hospital again, and there’s still no sign of when he will be well enough to be released.

He was rushed to the hospital on Tuesday because of breathing problems, and he’s being given “breathing treatments” several times a day, but continues to sound as though he’s gasping for air.

He’s been a heavy smoker for most of his life, and even though he knows he’s in the hospital, on oxygen no less, he still tries to smoke. In the hospital! He actually will get out of bed and slide open the window in his room and start smoking. We’ve since confiscated his hidden stash, so that won’t be happening again.

According to what the doctors are saying, it appears that we must begin searching for 24-hour nursing care for my FIL, as he just can’t be left alone for any period of time now. These are the of type situations that make me feel bad that I’m not a stay-at-home mom, so I could take care of him instead of strangers stepping in and doing for him, but it’s just not possible at this point.

With both my husband and I working full-time, it’s rather difficult to get in contact with the doctor at the hospital to get some clear answers. The nurses are of NO help, with their comments that we just “need to talk to the doctor”. Well, put him on the friggin phone!

Anyway, I apologize for the slow posting schedule, and hopefully things around here will balance out in a way that I have the needed time to write. Cheers!

Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage

Posted by Lin on February 25, 2008

When you think back to the days you and your spouse were dating, can you remember the things you said or did together that sticks out in your memory as something you will cherish for the rest of your life? Can you remember the days of holding hands; romantic candlelight dinners; talking quietly together while sitting by a roaring fire; picnics for two; walks in the park under the moonlight; laughing and joking about nothing in particular? How did it make you feel? Did you feel safe and secure, valued and appreciated? Truly loved? Can you remember the specific moment that you realized you had fallen in love with your now-husband or wife?

No matter how many years you have been married, keeping the romance alive and the fire embers burning bright in your marriage is something that is not only doable, but fun as well.

While it may be true that the initial passion and spark begins to wane after a period of time, fueled by the responsibilities of caring for children, laundry, jobs, the mortgage, soccer practice and dance recitals, many couples tend to forget that their first priority is to their spouse and marriage.

Keeping the fire alive in your marital relationship may be challenging, and sometimes it’s more work than we want to do, but the rewards are well worth the effort you put forth each and every day.

How to Keep the Home Fires Burning in Your Marriage:

Communication

Remember and maintain your friendship with your spouse with open and honest communication. Making time to be alone with each other MUST be a priority. Agree to not discuss the kids, jobs, bills or other stress related topics, but use the time to really connect with each other as friends and lovers. Express genuine appreciation and gratitude for the things your spouse does; compliment and FLIRT with your husband or wife!

Relationship experts agree that couples who understand the importance of maintaining and nourishing a healthy friendship with each other have the most satisfying, long-lasting marriages. It is not the responsibility of your spouse to read your mind and make you happy, but it is a relationship trap many people fall into because they are not communicating their needs and feelings properly. Remember to always say “I love you” during the good and wonderful times, as well as during the hard times.

Tip: When disagreements occur, hold hands throughout the entire discussion without letting go, as this works very well in greatly reducing the chances of saying something you may regret later. Trust me, it’s not as easy as it may seem.

Good and effective communication includes being a good listener, paying close attention to the spoken words but also the tone of voice and body language used, in order to get a complete understanding of what is being spoken. Have fun together! Be silly and goofy with each other, laugh a lot and enjoy the pleasure of each others company and one-on-one attention.

Let’s Get Physical

One very obvious sign of a couple lacking fire and romance in their marriage is when physical and affectionate touch has virtually ceased to exist in their relationship. Seeing elderly couples continuing to hold hands while walking or sitting closely together always puts a smile on my face, with my husband and I happily visualizing ourselves continuing to do the very same thing as the years go by.

Just sitting on the couch together watching television is an excellent opportunity to physically touch each other, hold hands and get the romantic sparks flying. Be affectionate and increase physical touch in your marriage (even if your sex drive isn’t what it used to be), along with creating a romantic environment in the home that is conducive to wanting to make love. Hugging, kissing, cuddling, giving each other back rubs and massages, all help to ignite fire and keep romance alive in marriage.

When you climb into bed each night, affectionately cuddle and hold each other for several minutes, rather than immediately turning away from each other to fall asleep. The more you practice spending time being affectionate and feeling more connected, the more your passion for each other will grow. See “How to Please a Woman in Bed” for sex tips!

(Photo by: jpghouse)

Bring Back the Fun!

Be spontaneous! Do something unexpected to show your husband or wife that you are thinking of them. Schedule a weekly “Date Night For Two” where you do things together you both enjoy. Play free romantic couples games! Leave little love notes where your spouse is sure to find them. Does your spouse have a chore they despise? Do it for them!

Is your spouse meticulous about keeping their vehicle clean inside and out? Clean it for them, or take it to be done professionally as a surprise. Take a bike ride together. Go ice skating or roller skating together. Take a leisurely walk around the neighborhood while holding hands, talking about fun and happy times from your dating days.

Create opportunities for fun. Think back to the fun and exciting things you two did together while dating and recreate those occasions. Buy some naughty adult games to play together in the privacy of your bedroom. Sit together and browse through your wedding photos, or watch your wedding video, remembering the fun and excitement of your wedding day.

Monotonous routine can easily douse the romantic fire in any relationship or marriage, so change things up with creative surprises. Keep your focus on what is MOST important in your marriage; the two of you. Feed the fire that keeps marriage alive and passionate, and it will sizzle.

How do you and your spouse keep the fire alive in your marriage? What tips can you share that work well for your relationship?

Further Reading:

Sex Every Day for Married Couples – 30 Day Sex Challenge
How to Spice Up Your Marriage: Fun and Easy Ways to Add Romance to Your Relationship

Understanding Assertiveness: Getting The Respect You Deserve

Posted by Lin on February 18, 2008

Have you ever felt as though you were a human doormat? Has your self-esteem and self-confidence ever been so low that you began to believe the negative things people would say to you or about you? Are you a People Pleaser? Does fear of hurting someone’s feelings keep you from communicating in a way that ensures your rights, needs and personal boundaries are respected?

Were you abused as a child in some way? Did fear of physical abuse cause you to grow up without the ability to express your true feelings and needs to those you come in contact with? Have you ever been in an abusive relationship or been married to an abuser?

If you answer Yes to any of the above questions, it’s time we have a chat about learning how to be assertive, how to change your negative self-talk, understanding assertiveness and developing the communication skills needed in order to be shown the respect you rightly deserve.

A Bit of Background First

Anyone who has followed this blog from its inception knows that I was brought up in a controlling and abusive home, where various forms of “punishment” often left me and my brothers battered and bruised, feeling as though no one in the world really cared about me, especially my own family. Ironically, I also grew up in a “religion” that added weight to the controlling and abusive tendencies I suffered as a child, with religious teachings being used as a weapon to keep me and other members of the church organization feeling threatened and afraid of leaving the religion or my marriage. But not anymore.

I got married for the first time at the ripe old age of seventeen, thinking and believing that Mr. Wonderful had come to rescue me into a life of marital bliss free of abuse, only to become a victim of domestic abuse after only six months of marriage. Children that are abused often grow up to marry an abuser no matter how hard they try to avoid it, unable to see the signs of abusive relationships until it is too late. Add to it the religious pressures to conform, and you have yourself a very serious situation on your hands, just as I did. But not anymore.

For me to say that I understand what it means to have low self-esteem, feeling as though your thoughts, feelings, wishes, dreams and desires don’t matter one little bit to anyone, is because I DO understand. I used to that person. But I’m not anymore. I’m here to explain to you how I changed my negative self-talk to become an assertive, self-confident (not aggressive) person, and how you too can and need to learn how to be assertive, and how being assertive greatly improves your personal and professional relationships.

Your Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence Matters

Regardless of how you developed such a low level of self-esteem, that you are often too afraid to speak up for yourself, you have the power within you to change it. I’m not going to suggest that it’s an easy thing to do, because it takes a lot of effort and determination to put aside the negative self-image, but it is doable. I’m living proof. If I can do it, so can you!

One of the most important, and possibly one of the most difficult things to do in changing your negative self-talk and developing assertive communication, is the need to let go of the past. Hanging onto the past, as opposed to letting go of built-up resentments and pain, staying in a victim state of mind, does nothing but keep you spinning in never-ending circles.

Assertive Communication Skills

After many years spent researching different forms of communication styles, it would be pretty easy for me to discuss the three basic forms of communication:

Assertive
Passive
Aggressive

However, I prefer to leave discussions about passive and aggressive communication styles to those with the college degree and experience in mental health to handle. It’s important to understand that assertiveness and aggressiveness are NOT the same thing but are often referred to as being one and the same.

Understanding Assertiveness and You

Assertive communication is the ability to speak and interact in a manner that considers and respects the rights and opinions of others while also standing up for your own rights, needs and personal boundaries.

To be assertive, you must learn to use “I” phrases to express your feelings and beliefs in a straight-forward and respectful manner with those you communicate with, while also respecting the right of others to have a different opinion or viewpoint.

“I” feel we need to… x,y,z.
“I” need you to… x,y,z.
“I” want to… x,y,z.
“I” feel hurt when you… x,y,z

Dealing with difficult people professionally or personally (or even with those we meet online), can often be challenging. Many people believe they have the right to be downright blunt and harsh in how they communicate with others, but by using assertive communication techniques when dealing with such people, we can maintain our personal boundaries in how we will or will not be treated by others, and at the same time show respect towards others (even if their behavior may not seem so deserving).

Do you have a personal experience with learning how to be assertive to share? Are you struggling to find your own voice in speaking up for yourself? Do you have suggestions for people still battling with self-esteem issues? Please consider sharing your thoughts by leaving a relevant comment below for our readers. With all due respect that is.

Further Reading-

How To Hide Money From An Abusive Husband

Write For Us – Recruiting Guest Bloggers

Posted by Lin on February 15, 2008

I have been giving serious thought lately to allowing Guest Bloggers the opportunity to submit original blog posts to Telling It Like It Is. After reading “How To Recruit High Quality Guest Bloggers” on ProBlogger, I have decided guest blogging is an excellent idea.

I will also be seeking out opportunities to be a guest blogger on other like-niche blogs, creating a “win-win” situation for both blogs involved. I believe Darren is right in how he explains the benefits of guest blogging:

The possibility to give your readers new perspectives and opinions

The possibility to cover areas and topics where you don’t have an expertise (but your guest does)

Increased credibility to your blog (in the case the author is an expert on his niche)

Reduced workload for you (we all need a break once in a while)

The possibility to build relationships with the guest bloggers

One of the things I will be implementing on this blog in coming days is a “Write For Us” page, where I will give specific details as to what kind of articles I am looking for on this blog, how lengthy articles may or may not be, the use of images etc.

After searching awhile for some ideas on how to write a “Write For Us” page and what kind of details to include, I managed to find Blogging Tips “Write For Us” page to get at least an IDEA of what such a page should include, so be sure to watch for that new addition soon.

I already have a few like-niche quality bloggers in mind that I will be contacting privately in hopes of building on relationships already begun, as well as other high quality bloggers I have only recently “met” online in an effort to build on those relationships further.

In the meantime, if you are seeking opportunities to be a guest blogger and you write about relationships, marriage, dating, children/teens, divorce, abuse, family issues, step-families, single parenthood, and other topics found amongst the categories shown on my left sidebar, I would be interested in hearing from you.

You may leave me a comment at the end of this post, or you may contact me privately in order to begin discussions of possibly becoming a guest blogger on this blog, or if you would like to speak to me about opportunities available on your own blog where I may be a guest blogger. I look forward to the discussions and upcoming guest blogger opportunities.

Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men

Posted by Lin on February 11, 2008

If you have ever been the victim of angry, controlling and abusive men, you understand the depths of despair many women in society experience at the hands of men claiming to love them. Domestic violence against women occurs every day, with victims of violence often too afraid to report the abuse to the police, and is often kept secret from close family members and friends.

Getting inside the minds of men exhibiting controlling and abusive behavior is no easy task, and if current statistics are correct, there isn’t much hope in clinical studies nor positive data as to whether or not they can ever be cured. That is not good news for women that are married to an abuser or involved in abusive relationships, making it that much more important for women to become educated as to the early warning signs of abusive behaviors in order to protect themselves and their children.

Statistics of Abuse Reports

(Photo By: Giina Caliente)

Abusive men are often very charismatic, living in virtual denial, quick to blame and manipulate others into thinking and believing they are Mr. Wonderful. These manipulative tendencies often create doubt in a woman’s mind over a period of time as to whether she herself is at fault for the abuse, where she then begins to try and make changes in herself in hopes it will end the domestic abuse in the home.

Anger Management Programs and Couples Counseling for abusers haven’t brought much change in these men, as abusive men have the unique and disturbing ability to manipulate and persuade even their counselors that they themselves are simply misunderstood and not at all to blame for the problems at home. One of the most prevalent features of an angry and controlling partner is how he frequently tells women how they should think and tries to get women to doubt their own perceptions and beliefs.

Each year in the United States, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners or husbands, and one out of three women will become a victim of violence by their husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. Children of abusive men, especially the boys, are more likely to grow up to become abusers themselves in their own relationships.

(Children learn what they live)

Intimate partner violence against women is steadily increasing, crossing all racial and ethnic boundaries, involving women and teenage girls by their husbands or boyfriends. Founded in 1977, Emerge is the first abuser education program established in the United States, counseling abusive men on an individual basis rather than in group settings, and is working hard to increase public awareness that domestic violence is a learned behavior not a disease, with the goal of helping men stop their abusive behaviors and become better men, husbands and fathers.

Identifying the early warning signs of abusive and controlling men, understanding the four types of abusive behaviors, and recognizing the characteristics of men who batter women can save women’s lives.

“Why Does He Do That?” is an essential resource for women of all ages, for victims of domestic violence, women’s shelters, therapists and counselors. Detailed explanations of the nine types of abusers; manipulative tactics abusive men use; early warnings signs of abusive relationships; dispelling common myths about men who abuse women; the effect such abuse has on children; and getting needed help for abused women.

The good news is that abuse is a learned behavior and can be solved. The bad news is that the abuser must commit to following every step of a quality program in order to solve the problem. Only a small percentage of those who join a quality program actually follow all the necessary steps towards change, and those men who deny having a problem at all have a prognosis of change amounting to ZERO. What if it were to happen to someone you loved? What if it were your sister, mother, niece that were being abused? Or, perhaps your own daughter? Would it still be “someone else’s problem?”

Further Reading:

People Pleasers and Doormats Care What People Think
Abused Men: Battered and Emotionally Abused Male Victims of Domestic Violence
Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members
How To Hide Money From An Abusive Husband
Identifying the Early Warning Signs of Abusive Men
International Women’s Day Say No to Violence Against Women
The Sociopath Next Door-The Ruthless Versus Us