Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men
If you have ever been the victim of angry, controlling and abusive men, you understand the depths of despair many women in society experience at the hands of men claiming to love them. Domestic violence against women occurs every day, with victims of violence often too afraid to report the abuse to the police, and is often kept secret from close family members and friends.
Getting inside the minds of men exhibiting controlling and abusive behavior is no easy task, and if current statistics are correct, there isn’t much hope in clinical studies nor positive data as to whether or not they can ever be cured. That is not good news for women that are married to an abuser or involved in abusive relationships, making it that much more important for women to become educated as to the early warning signs of abusive behaviors in order to protect themselves and their children.
(Photo By: Giina Caliente)
Abusive men are often very charismatic, living in virtual denial, quick to blame and manipulate others into thinking and believing they are Mr. Wonderful. These manipulative tendencies often create doubt in a women’s mind over a period of time as to whether she herself is at fault for the abuse, where she then begins to try and make changes in herself in hopes it will end the domestic abuse in the home.
Anger Management Programs and Couples Counseling for abusers haven’t brought much change in these men, as abusive men have the unique and disturbing ability to manipulate and persuade even their counselors that they themselves are simply misunderstood and not at all to blame for the problems at home. One of the most prevalent features of an angry and controlling partner is how he frequently tells women how they should think and tries to get women to doubt their own perceptions and beliefs.
Each year in the United States, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners or husbands, and one out of three women will become a victim of violence by their husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. Children of abusive men, especially the boys, are more likely to grow up to become abusers themselves in their own relationships.
Intimate partner violence against women is steadily increasing, crossing all racial and ethnic boundaries, involving women and teenage girls by their husbands or boyfriends. Founded in 1977, Emerge is the first abuser education program established in the United States, counseling abusive men on an individual basis rather than in group settings, and is working hard to increase public awareness that domestic violence is a learned behavior not a disease, with the goal of helping men stop their abusive behaviors and become better men, husbands and fathers.
Identifying the early warning signs of abusive and controlling men, understanding the four types of abusive behaviors, and recognizing the characteristics of men who batter women can save women’s lives.
“Why Does He Do That?”
The good news is that abuse is a learned behavior and can be solved. The bad news is that the abuser must commit to following every step of a quality program in order to solve the problem. Only a small percentage of those who join a quality program actually follow all the necessary steps towards change, and those men who deny having a problem at all have a prognosis of change amounting to ZERO. What if it were to happen to someone you loved? What if it were your sister, mother, niece that were being abused? Or, perhaps your own daughter? Would it still be “someone else’s problem?”
Further Reading:
How To Hide Money From An Abusive Husband
Identifying the Early Warning Signs of Abusive Men
International Women’s Day Say No to Violence Against Women
The Sociopath Next Door-The Ruthless Versus Us
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Thanks for taking on this important subject. I dated a controlling man in college. I was fortunate to get away after a few months. Before that I always thought I was too smart to fall for an abusive guy, but after I got away, I realized that these men are so manipulative, any woman could fall for them in the right set of circumstances.
Thanks for the warning!
Lynnae @ Being Frugal.net’s last blog post..My Clutter is Making Me Fat!
I can’t understand abusive men, but I have no respect for them. They are a tiny step above child abusers and should be punished almost as harshly. The best solution for an abused woman might be to talk to a real man about her situation.
A friend and I had to help our secretary secretly move out of her home into a safe house to escape an abuser. I was hoping the jerk would catch us in the act and catch himself a bit of abuse.
Lynnae, this is a topic that is very close to my heart, and I feel an immense responsibility to doing everything I can to bring greater awareness to this disturbing problem. Thanks much!
HM, I completely understand the wish to give such men a bit of their own medicine. Unfortunately for many women, once they’ve experienced the mental mind games and manipulations of such men, women are fearful to trust ANY man for awhile.
Abusive and controlling men are very charismatic, extremely manipulative, so women tend to speak to other women about such things because they know another woman would not be a threat.
So I am a guy and I agree with everything said in this post. It really disgusts me to see women being abused, whether emotional or physical. It makes me sick to my stomache and I want nothing more than to see the man punished harshly for what he has done.
It breaks my heart when children are abused too. I feel bad that the children do not grow up with a loving parent.
It is things like this that drive me to be the best possible parent. I am only 23 now and not dating, but I pray that I will be the best father ever, with the exception of mine. Thanks for this tidbit.
Cheers
Lenard, I appreciate the comment. It is great to see young men as yourself voice outrage and disgust over these type behaviors.
I hope women read this and take the advice to heart. I wish I had read something like this before I married my now ex-husband. All the signs were there, but I did not see them. The marriage started great, but went downhill to a terrible point in 7 years.
SFC, I hope so too. Too many women are missing the truth of their situations and need to really wake up to the reality they face. I’m happy you made it out safely.
It is sometimes also the “boiled frog”: When you put a frog in cold water, and you heat it up slowly, the frog will not feel that it is getting boiled…
I know from my own experience how easy it can happen.
We, as women, can only change our own attitude, and grow our own awareness, so that abusive men do not have a chance… And if we are in it, it is great to have friends and help from outside. This post would be a good start!
Charlotte
Charlotte, that is a pretty good analogy of what occurs to many of these women.
It makes it clear that women must be vigilant to develop strong awareness of these issues, and pay close attention to the signs of abusive relationships and take action to get out quickly.
Being a strong support for other women trying to get out of these relationships, helping them escape in any way possible, is an area I’ve personally been involved with over the years.
Great article Lin. Congratulations to you.
Megan from Imaginif’s last blog post..Emotional Intelligence 101
Thank you Megan! I really appreciated your article as well, and felt it really complimented my post. You do really great work on your blog and I’m proud you also strive to deal with some of the issues I discuss here.
[...] “Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men” [...]
It’s sad that 73% goes unreported. Tragic in fact. Oddly enough, I’ll wager that 100% of the psychological/controlling abuse goes unreported! What’s to report? Seriously.
You are so right: “These manipulative tendencies often create doubt in a women’s mind over a period of time as to whether she herself is at fault for the abuse, where she then begins to try and make changes in herself in hopes it will end the domestic abuse in the home.”
Eventually “she” will find a way to find herself again and will then have to deal with her own anger management issues when she realized she really is a worthwhile human being! It’s NOT your fault, he’s an idiot!
Great articles — all of them! Men and women do NOT deserve to be bottled up and treated like personal property. Dammit!
Oh, hello! Nice blog. Good job! Got a little wrapped up there.
Evelyn, thank you so much for your input on this very important topic. Far too many women are staying in these abusive relationships hoping they will improve, and the abuse will stop. It never does. It always, always, always gets worse. I know!
Thanks for this informative post. I definitely think that this is a learned behavior. I think the best way to show my children how women should be treated is by example. I show my wife respect and am very free with my compliments to her.
Hi Jason,
Teaching children how to treat women is definitely helped by providing a good example as a father and husband. Unfortunately, there are a lot of men that just can’t be helped, and women have to leave as quickly as possible.
This article hits close to my heart. My first husband was a horrible physical and mental abuser. he was the angriest man I have ever known. He would come home and if I wore something he thought was too sexy, he ripped it off of me. If i took ontrol of the TV remote, I got beat and many other incident occured till I left this maniac and got help. I literally had to be reprogramed to learn I was good, attractive, loving and deserving once again. These men are full of fear. Anger comes from fear of something you feel you are going to lose, or something you feel you may not get and these men are infants in their mind. It is not ever the womens fault for a beating ladies. Leave now. Once a hitter, always a hitter unless they really understand they have a problem and want to change. Control is their problem. If they feel they are losing control, they get full of fear and feel inadequent. It’s also a show the put on in front of others to try and make themselves look like the alpha almighty male. Leave, get help and never give up on love. God will give you that someone you are dreaming of if your ready and ask. I am going on 4 years of marriage with the most loving, sweet hearted man of my dreams. You should never have o ask for respect in a relationship. If you truly love someone and have their best interest at heart, it comes automatically. God Bless you ladies in the struggle. Sincerely, Traci Denny (FORMER women of an abused “man”.
Traci, good for you that you got out. How many women do we have to continue hearing were killed by their abusive boyfriend or husband before abused women understand they must get away from these men while they still can?
My first marriage was abusive too Traci, so I understand completely what you’re saying here. I’m also now married to a wonderful, kind hearted and sweet man. Any woman that is or has been abused has to muster up the courage to leave, and like you said, a wonderful man will come into their lives and they’ll spend the rest of the lives knowing what it really means to be loved.
Thank you Lin and I am grateful you have a happy ending to your story. It takes allot to muster the strength and leave. Ladies, they will come after you and appolgize profusely and make promises your heart has always wanted to hear like mine did. I didn’t go back. I told him to make those changes first. This was his problem and I would not go back till he did it. Not to my surprise, he did nothing to change. If I would have gone back, he would have what he wanted so there would be nothing for him to work toward. I left when my left rib was broke, and my right kidney bruised. In the history of our marriage, I had approx 12 black eyes and many bruises not wanting to go out of the house till I healed which kept me prisoner even further. If I can help anyone to locate a shelter who needs to leave, please let me know and I will do everything in my power to free you. Afterall, we are all here on earth not for just ourselves but for each other. God Bless you people. TracI Denny
Traci, you went through much of what I did; you could have been writing about me. My ex also used to get down on hands and knees and promise, “it will never happen again”, but it always did and worse than the last time.
When I left, I did so with six young children to care for on my own with virtually no help financially or otherwise. If I can leave an abusive relationship with all my kids to care for, any woman can do it. Congrats to you for having the strength and courage to leave.
Lin, I am so grateful God gave you the strength to endure that with 6 children and come out on the other side and be such a success. I had help from my parents and they supported us while I worked and saved up money. They have been our lifeline many times and they are wonderful people!I walked out with a 5 month old baby on my hip. I had no time to pack our clothes. I came back with the police to collect my things, found a job and babysitter and off to work I went. When I saved enough money, I moved out of y parents house and started a whole new life so full of freedom that I had to learn how to manage it. No more of my controlling, suspecting Husband checking my odometer or timing me when I was grocery shopping, I wore what I wanted to, I took long walks just to be out in the world and was meeting my friends for lunch again. I was a hostage and prisoner for so long that this new way of life was so big to me. I had to get more restraining orders cause he came and took a wire out of my car so it wouldn’t start. He followed me and stalked me. I mean he was completely nuts!.
I never dressed like a floozies, I never cheated on him, I never lied about where I was going so all these things he thought I was doing is because he was doing them himself! Therefore he didn’t trust me cause he didn’t trust himself. It has been a while now and to this day, I can’t believe I stayed so long thinking things would change. He has had no marriages or close relationships since I left. It took a while to get deprogrammed but I had an awesome therapist who restored me to sanity. No sane person stays with such a sick person for so long and I stayed for 2 years after the first beating thinking my love would change him. For my Son’s sake, we are cordial with each other now days and I see in his eyes that he knows he was wrong and I take it as an apology. This whole deal has come full circle and is now completely over. I just pray women who read this find the strength to leave cause you are right! How many innocent women do we have to see die at the hands of a monster. God Bless and this a good thing you have done here. Sincerely, Traci denny
Great article! The information about hiding money, excellent advice. Some women don’t want to do that because they fear what he would do to them if he found out, but to those women who feel that way just imagine what he will do to you if you stay put any longer! I would have to add, stop buying him gifts, the household and children stuff, all of that will keep you broke while giving you more reasos to stay.
Thanks Nicholl! Helping abused women learn how to get away from their abusive husbands or boyfriends is really important to me. That’ s why I made sure to write How to Hide Money From An Abusive Husband. Thanks again!
I am not sure if you put this in your artical Lin but this is what I had to do to get any money at all. I would go into his wallet while he was in the shower. He never knew how much he had exactly and I would take out 5-10 dollars out at a time so not much would be missing.
I called it my “Get away” money cause even though I stayed at my parents, my son still needed diapers and formula and I needed car maintenance and gas money to find a job. It’s not stealing at all when they leave you with no money daily cause half is ours anyway. When you go to court, the judge makes it right when you have bank statements so make sure you have your copies and you will be rewarded half of the savings and checking from the time you left including the amount of child support awarded. You can find free legal support through an agency called Legal Aid.
So it’s real dry at first but hang in there. Our Children and our life is worth way more than anything. However the true treasure lays not in the money at all, but in the complete freedom from their absence! Amen and God Bless all you ladies and Kudos to you Lin for doing all this for women of abuse!!
Sincerely Traci Denny
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I am in a VERY controlling, abusive, relationship. I’m always told I am loved, too. This is a con, I was aware of it shortly after he moved in with me. The reason he moved in with me and my kids was solely financial. Child support was going to stop, and I didn’t want to uproot my kids, taking them out of school, suffering more because their father abandoned us. It’s pathetic how this so called man, took advantage of us. Even knowing from the start that I was not into the kind of relationship it shortly became. I am at fault, I was and still am desperate financially. He is still with us, my kids are adults now, my youngest is borderline autistic, and STILL this man continues the same behavior even after spending almost a year in jail for abusing me. He sweet talked me the entire time he was incarcerated, promised he was getting treatment, and me wanting to trust in him, I took him back! I have no degree, I don’t have the smarts to learn any thing that would give me the financial freedom I need to survive on my own. I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE. I will always be a victim, trusting the wrong man. The right man is surely taken, because I am already in my 50’s, and all the good ones are already taken or they are gay.
Nancy, I’m so sorry you are going through this. You MUST get out of this abusive relationship before it escalates even further and he actually kills you in a fit of rage. You MUST seek help with the authorities and various programs that will help you financially to get on your own and be able to take care of yourself financially.
You do not need a college degree to survive on your own. Your very life may be at stake if you continue to stay with your abusive husband. You do not have to be a victim of abuse now or in the future and you must find the strength and courage to get away from him while you still can.
I repeat, you do NOT need a college degree or “smarts” as you put it to be on your own. Abusive men damage or destroy a woman’s self-confidence to the point where women feel helpless and unable to provide for themselves. Build your self-confidence and courage, HIDE MONEY in order to get away, and do it NOW.
There are many city and state programs that will help you, and there are many churches and/or shelters that will help you and protect you. Do NOT stay with this man! Being in your 50’s doesn’t mean you must continue to put up with abuse. It’s not about whether there is the “right man” out there for you; it’s about YOU taking care of YOU and finding yourself again and learning and knowing who you are, that you are worth being treated with love and respect and not abuse.
You do NOT have to “always be a victim”; you have to CHOOSE not to be a victim any longer and not accept or tolerate being abused by any man you may meet in the future. It’s called “non negotiable boundaries” for relationships. Right now, your priority needs to be getting away from your abusive husband, and not whether you will end up in the same kind of abusive relationship you are experiencing in the future. Focus on now, not on the future. Get away from him before he permanently injures or kills you.
Signs YOU need to know about abusive, controlling men:
Sweet talker, always telling you that you are special, that no other woman has ever made him feel this great, sayings like, “where have you been all my life, I have never felt loved, ever, until I met you.” “All the women in my life have been self-centered, lazy, ugly, etc….”
Your good points…..in the beginning, he’ll point out something about you that really turns him on, whether it’s your hair, the way you do your nails, things that you thought we’re not so great about yourself and then he’ll over-emphasize how much he likes that, telling you so often that deep inside you know he’s conning you, but you don’t want to believe that, so you’d rather believe his lies.
Stringing A-Long…..as you try to break away from him, he will butter you up, over and over and over, giving you false hope. Whether it’s pertaining to financial, or just wanting to be loved, he will continue his charm on you. Just like he did in the beginning.
Breaking away…..If you have the brains, enroll in classes that will give you the credentials to get on your feet financially, there are grants and loans that you may qualify to help get you started. As far as the love part, you need to look at your self in the mirror and ask WHY you need a man to feel complete. What is it about yourself that you need someone to make you feel special, needed. We’re you abused as a child? We’re you teased by your peers? A good way to feel good about yourself is by helping others, whether volunteering at a nursing home or a hospital, or day care. When you make others feel good, it will make YOU feel good about yourself. You will beginning feeling confident about yourself, and become more selective about the men you get involved with. And you will learn to take your time about who you live with. You’ll see the signs of abusive controlling men more quickly.
I hope SOMEONE learns from this, it’s what I’ve learned over the years by trial and error.
Good luck to all!!
Nancy
Lin, thanks for your response! I agree totally with you, and if it wasn’t for the current financial problems I am facing, things would be so much different. I do have a case worker that has not returned several of my calls. I have contacted the numbers for abused women that I was given at the time of his arrest, but they have no help for me, all they tell me is the same thing, GET AWAY from him. That’s all fine and dandy if I had somewhere to go. The abuse hotline says I should flee to a shelter, leaving all my belongings behind. My son is an adult now, and would surely not be able to come with me. It is a situation that was created by the men in my life, as they walk away with no care in the world, they leave me and my son behind in a mess, that to me is impossible to get out of. Thanks again for your response.
I just dunno what to say at the moment, my abuser HAD A PARTNER!! here he was living with another woman and he did the following:
1/ Coming on strong
2/ Intimidating me by driving recklessly before I had to give a talk, when I seen him, he was grinning like a cheshire cat! really wierd!
3/ He or other people were ALWAYS around when I had breaks, it wasn’t too bad if I had my office in my lab
4/ Staring at me whilst making a cup of coffee in the kitchen
5/ Staring at my breasts when I was bent over reading things, I wear glasses so I could look up at him and see him do it without him knowing that I knew, when I moved to look up, he was off!
6/ I was feeling I was walking on eggshells when I was around him
7/ He snorted a lot at me?
8/ He seemed to enjoy seeing me cry as I thought I was going mad
9/ He kept telling me I was special and how he loved me, yet he was rarely around me other times
I then told his supervisor and the following happened:
1/ He blares his radio
2/ He hides in this car park and waits for me as my us was letting me off, as soon as I was walking down, he came out the car park and was on his way
3/ He goes past me and revs his engine?
all which you can agree are more of a teenager than a grown male!
The physical things he did are:
1/ Touch my hair and stroke it
2/ Brush past me with erect nipples
3/ Litterly press himself against me, leaned his head on me so his mouth was near my ear and gave noise as if he was content and said I want to make love to you?
4/ Kissed me on my cheek
Whats the relationship and job?
A lecturer who was recently promoted to head of department and I am a student!!
Oh yeah I also had the reputation split as well happen, he also has the temper too!
I just want to say I doesn’t always have to e a partner who is evil, I could be random and the jerk is in a position of power!!
Hi Jane, abusive men come in all colors, shapes and sizes; and abusive men can be poor, middle class or white color workers. The important thing is for women to recognize the signs of abusive men as early as possible and then get away as soon as possible.
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I am an emotional abuser. I do not fully understand why I am like this, and from reading all of these posts, it makes me feel worthless and like there is no help for someone like me. Most of what I have read here implies that I am screwed from the get go and that there is no help for me. This is very discouraging for someone who DOES want to get help. My fiancee sent me this link to let me know what she was reading about. I for one, can say that not all abusers abuse their partners willingly, as I have not seriously considered or thought about hurting my fiancee. My actions and the way I behave are indirectly scaring her, and “abusing” her. I don’t believe that it is fair to say that most abusers cannot get better. Anyone who is seeking help with this, as I am, grow very discouraged when reading things like that. It makes me feel like I was just given a bad brain, and now I have to live with it? Now I have to live with the fact that it would be best for me to remain single for the rest of my life?
Confused, I’m glad that your fiance’ has shown you these articles. Obviously she’s wondering what kind of future she might have if the two of you get married, and if she is willing to go through with the wedding with the obvious questions and concerns she must have. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have sent this to you. Good for her! Just the fact that you are/were willing to read the article and then leave a comment says a lot about you. For the good.
These articles have definitely been written with the abused woman in mind, because the great majority of abusive men are too wrapped up in their own attitudes and behaviors to really give any serious…..thought that their actions are intolerable and must change. Forever. Most abusive men do NOT change, because the so-called cause of the abuse is always blamed on the woman. “If she didn’t say x,y,z I wouldn’t x,y,z”. “If she didn’t do x,y,z I would do x,y,z”. See what I mean?
Abusive behaviors are learned behaviors. As I said, “children learn what they live”, and if you are exhibiting any kind of abusive tendencies whether it be emotional, verbal or physical, you learned these behaviors somewhere. Unlearning these behaviors is hard work and takes a great deal of time. VERY hard work, because it requires a great deal of personal reflection and delving into the way abusive people were raised, and with the help of therapists try to work through the thoughts and feelings that allow an abusive person to do the things they do. That requires 100% honesty on the part of the abusive partner, and I mean the gut-wrenching, heart pounding, mind blowing honesty that most abusive people are unwilling to go through. Because it’s hard……to do.
Most abusive men claim to want to change, claim to want to do better, claim to be sorry each and every time they hurt the person they claim to love. Actions speak louder than words. Each and every time an abusive person repeats the same ol behaviors/attitudes, it only cements the reality of the situation and makes the abused person realize (finally) that they cannot be safe and secure in such a situation.
Can you truly stop being abusive to her in any of the forms of abuse? Perhaps, but I wouldn’t stake my future on it if I were your fiance. The real question is, Are you truly and honestly 100% committed to the time and effort and emotional turmoil that YOU would go through while trying to work through your own issues with a qualified therapist? It’s easy to say, “Of course I am” but are you REALLY willing to do all the work necessary to stop being abusive forever? That’s the clincher.
If your fiance’ were the one who had commented, I’d be asking her “How many times has he told you he’s sorry for what he said or did to you? How many times has be put you down, criticized you, ridiculed you in public or private, only to then come back (perhaps with puppy dog teary eyes) saying how sorry he is and it won’t ever happen again?” I’d be asking HER “How much abuse are you willing to put up with, and what are your personal relationship deal breakers?”
I’d be telling her to absolutely without fail….call off the wedding right now! No marriage plans, no planning the wedding. Nothing.
Until when?, you or she might ask. It takes a LONG time to change deep rooted attitudes and behaviors that were learned throughout childhood and beyond. You basically must unlearn the abusive behaviors and attitudes, and I can tell you with certainty….most abusive men don’t do what they say they will do and end up quitting therapy programs WAY Before they’re even close to getting to the root of the problem. Do I hold much hope for you, that you will change your ways? Experience has taught me the hard way….not to trust one word out of the mouth of an abusive man. Your fiance’ is wise to be giving this serious thought. What would your future children learn from being born into such a relationship? Children learn what they live. The odds aren’t very good. Sorry, but it’s the truth.
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