If you have ever been the victim of angry, controlling and abusive men, you understand the depths of despair many women in society experience at the hands of men claiming to love them. Domestic violence against women occurs every day, with victims of violence often too afraid to report the abuse to the police, and is often kept secret from close family members and friends.
Getting inside the minds of men exhibiting controlling and abusive behavior is no easy task, and if current statistics are correct, there isn’t much hope in clinical studies nor positive data as to whether or not they can ever be cured. That is not good news for women that are married to an abuser or involved in abusive relationships, making it that much more important for women to become educated as to the early warning signs of abusive behaviors in order to protect themselves and their children.
(Photo By: Giina Caliente)
Abusive men are often very charismatic, living in virtual denial, quick to blame and manipulate others into thinking and believing they are Mr. Wonderful. These manipulative tendencies often create doubt in a women’s mind over a period of time as to whether she herself is at fault for the abuse, where she then begins to try and make changes in herself in hopes it will end the domestic abuse in the home.
Anger Management Programs and Couples Counseling for abusers haven’t brought much change in these men, as abusive men have the unique and disturbing ability to manipulate and persuade even their counselors that they themselves are simply misunderstood and not at all to blame for the problems at home. One of the most prevalent features of an angry and controlling partner is how he frequently tells women how they should think and tries to get women to doubt their own perceptions and beliefs.
Each year in the United States, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners or husbands, and one out of three women will become a victim of violence by their husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. Children of abusive men, especially the boys, are more likely to grow up to become abusers themselves in their own relationships.
Intimate partner violence against women is steadily increasing, crossing all racial and ethnic boundaries, involving women and teenage girls by their husbands or boyfriends. Founded in 1977, Emerge is the first abuser education program established in the United States, counseling abusive men on an individual basis rather than in group settings, and is working hard to increase public awareness that domestic violence is a learned behavior not a disease, with the goal of helping men stop their abusive behaviors and become better men, husbands and fathers.
Identifying the early warning signs of abusive and controlling men, understanding the four types of abusive behaviors, and recognizing the characteristics of men who batter women can save women’s lives.
“Why Does He Do That?”
The good news is that abuse is a learned behavior and can be solved. The bad news is that the abuser must commit to following every step of a quality program in order to solve the problem. Only a small percentage of those who join a quality program actually follow all the necessary steps towards change, and those men who deny having a problem at all have a prognosis of change amounting to ZERO. What if it were to happen to someone you loved? What if it were your sister, mother, niece that were being abused? Or, perhaps your own daughter? Would it still be “someone else’s problem?”
Further Reading:
How To Hide Money From An Abusive Husband
Identifying the Early Warning Signs of Abusive Men
International Women’s Day Say No to Violence Against Women
Recognizing a Toxic Relationship-What To Do
The Sociopath Next Door-The Ruthless Versus Us
Popularity: 38% [?]
26 responses so far ↓
1 Lynnae @ Being Frugal.net (8 comments.) // Feb 11, 2008 at 9:14 am
Thanks for taking on this important subject. I dated a controlling man in college. I was fortunate to get away after a few months. Before that I always thought I was too smart to fall for an abusive guy, but after I got away, I realized that these men are so manipulative, any woman could fall for them in the right set of circumstances.
Thanks for the warning!
Lynnae @ Being Frugal.net’s last blog post..My Clutter is Making Me Fat!
2 Hungry Mother (45 comments.) // Feb 11, 2008 at 9:28 am
I can’t understand abusive men, but I have no respect for them. They are a tiny step above child abusers and should be punished almost as harshly. The best solution for an abused woman might be to talk to a real man about her situation.
A friend and I had to help our secretary secretly move out of her home into a safe house to escape an abuser. I was hoping the jerk would catch us in the act and catch himself a bit of abuse.
3 Lin (640 comments.) // Feb 11, 2008 at 9:31 am
Lynnae, this is a topic that is very close to my heart, and I feel an immense responsibility to doing everything I can to bring greater awareness to this disturbing problem. Thanks much!
4 Lin (640 comments.) // Feb 11, 2008 at 9:36 am
HM, I completely understand the wish to give such men a bit of their own medicine. Unfortunately for many women, once they’ve experienced the mental mind games and manipulations of such men, women are fearful to trust ANY man for awhile.
Abusive and controlling men are very charismatic, extremely manipulative, so women tend to speak to other women about such things because they know another woman would not be a threat.
5 Lenard (1 comments.) // Feb 11, 2008 at 3:20 pm
So I am a guy and I agree with everything said in this post. It really disgusts me to see women being abused, whether emotional or physical. It makes me sick to my stomache and I want nothing more than to see the man punished harshly for what he has done.
It breaks my heart when children are abused too. I feel bad that the children do not grow up with a loving parent.
It is things like this that drive me to be the best possible parent. I am only 23 now and not dating, but I pray that I will be the best father ever, with the exception of mine. Thanks for this tidbit.
Cheers
6 Lin (640 comments.) // Feb 11, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Lenard, I appreciate the comment. It is great to see young men as yourself voice outrage and disgust over these type behaviors.
7 Science for Children (1 comments.) // Feb 12, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I hope women read this and take the advice to heart. I wish I had read something like this before I married my now ex-husband. All the signs were there, but I did not see them. The marriage started great, but went downhill to a terrible point in 7 years.
8 Lin (640 comments.) // Feb 12, 2008 at 4:01 pm
SFC, I hope so too. Too many women are missing the truth of their situations and need to really wake up to the reality they face. I’m happy you made it out safely.
9 stepfamilyheaven (1 comments.) // Feb 14, 2008 at 6:37 am
It is sometimes also the “boiled frog”: When you put a frog in cold water, and you heat it up slowly, the frog will not feel that it is getting boiled…
I know from my own experience how easy it can happen.
We, as women, can only change our own attitude, and grow our own awareness, so that abusive men do not have a chance… And if we are in it, it is great to have friends and help from outside. This post would be a good start!
Charlotte
10 Lin (640 comments.) // Feb 14, 2008 at 7:18 am
Charlotte, that is a pretty good analogy of what occurs to many of these women.
It makes it clear that women must be vigilant to develop strong awareness of these issues, and pay close attention to the signs of abusive relationships and take action to get out quickly.
Being a strong support for other women trying to get out of these relationships, helping them escape in any way possible, is an area I’ve personally been involved with over the years.
11 Megan from Imaginif (15 comments.) // Feb 14, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Great article Lin. Congratulations to you.
Megan from Imaginif’s last blog post..Emotional Intelligence 101
12 Lin (640 comments.) // Feb 14, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Thank you Megan! I really appreciated your article as well, and felt it really complimented my post. You do really great work on your blog and I’m proud you also strive to deal with some of the issues I discuss here.
13 Ladies: Why You Need to Know How to Hide Money From Your Husband | Telling It Like It Is // Mar 3, 2008 at 5:04 am
[…] “Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men” […]
14 Evelyn (1 comments.) // Mar 3, 2008 at 3:17 pm
It’s sad that 73% goes unreported. Tragic in fact. Oddly enough, I’ll wager that 100% of the psychological/controlling abuse goes unreported! What’s to report? Seriously.
You are so right: “These manipulative tendencies often create doubt in a women’s mind over a period of time as to whether she herself is at fault for the abuse, where she then begins to try and make changes in herself in hopes it will end the domestic abuse in the home.”
Eventually “she” will find a way to find herself again and will then have to deal with her own anger management issues when she realized she really is a worthwhile human being! It’s NOT your fault, he’s an idiot!
Great articles — all of them! Men and women do NOT deserve to be bottled up and treated like personal property. Dammit!
Oh, hello! Nice blog. Good job! Got a little wrapped up there.
15 Lin (640 comments.) // Mar 3, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Evelyn, thank you so much for your input on this very important topic. Far too many women are staying in these abusive relationships hoping they will improve, and the abuse will stop. It never does. It always, always, always gets worse. I know!
16 Jason Pearson (3 comments.) // Mar 29, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Thanks for this informative post. I definitely think that this is a learned behavior. I think the best way to show my children how women should be treated is by example. I show my wife respect and am very free with my compliments to her.
17 Lin (640 comments.) // Mar 29, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Hi Jason,
Teaching children how to treat women is definitely helped by providing a good example as a father and husband. Unfortunately, there are a lot of men that just can’t be helped, and women have to leave as quickly as possible.
18 Traci // Jun 9, 2008 at 3:05 pm
This article hits close to my heart. My first husband was a horrible physical and mental abuser. he was the angriest man I have ever known. He would come home and if I wore something he thought was too sexy, he ripped it off of me. If i took ontrol of the TV remote, I got beat and many other incident occured till I left this maniac and got help. I literally had to be reprogramed to learn I was good, attractive, loving and deserving once again. These men are full of fear. Anger comes from fear of something you feel you are going to lose, or something you feel you may not get and these men are infants in their mind. It is not ever the womens fault for a beating ladies. Leave now. Once a hitter, always a hitter unless they really understand they have a problem and want to change. Control is their problem. If they feel they are losing control, they get full of fear and feel inadequent. It’s also a show the put on in front of others to try and make themselves look like the alpha almighty male. Leave, get help and never give up on love. God will give you that someone you are dreaming of if your ready and ask. I am going on 4 years of marriage with the most loving, sweet hearted man of my dreams. You should never have o ask for respect in a relationship. If you truly love someone and have their best interest at heart, it comes automatically. God Bless you ladies in the struggle. Sincerely, Traci Denny (FORMER women of an abused “man”.
19 Lin (640 comments.) // Jun 9, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Traci, good for you that you got out. How many women do we have to continue hearing were killed by their abusive boyfriend or husband before abused women understand they must get away from these men while they still can?
My first marriage was abusive too Traci, so I understand completely what you’re saying here. I’m also now married to a wonderful, kind hearted and sweet man. Any woman that is or has been abused has to muster up the courage to leave, and like you said, a wonderful man will come into their lives and they’ll spend the rest of the lives knowing what it really means to be loved.
20 Traci // Jun 9, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Thank you Lin and I am grateful you have a happy ending to your story. It takes allot to muster the strength and leave. Ladies, they will come after you and appolgize profusely and make promises your heart has always wanted to hear like mine did. I didn’t go back. I told him to make those changes first. This was his problem and I would not go back till he did it. Not to my surprise, he did nothing to change. If I would have gone back, he would have what he wanted so there would be nothing for him to work toward. I left when my left rib was broke, and my right kidney bruised. In the history of our marriage, I had approx 12 black eyes and many bruises not wanting to go out of the house till I healed which kept me prisoner even further. If I can help anyone to locate a shelter who needs to leave, please let me know and I will do everything in my power to free you. Afterall, we are all here on earth not for just ourselves but for each other. God Bless you people. TracI Denny
21 Lin (640 comments.) // Jun 9, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Traci, you went through much of what I did; you could have been writing about me. My ex also used to get down on hands and knees and promise, “it will never happen again”, but it always did and worse than the last time.
When I left, I did so with six young children to care for on my own with virtually no help financially or otherwise. If I can leave an abusive relationship with all my kids to care for, any woman can do it. Congrats to you for having the strength and courage to leave.
22 Traci // Jun 9, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Lin, I am so grateful God gave you the strength to endure that with 6 children and come out on the other side and be such a success. I had help from my parents and they supported us while I worked and saved up money. They have been our lifeline many times and they are wonderful people!I walked out with a 5 month old baby on my hip. I had no time to pack our clothes. I came back with the police to collect my things, found a job and babysitter and off to work I went. When I saved enough money, I moved out of y parents house and started a whole new life so full of freedom that I had to learn how to manage it. No more of my controlling, suspecting Husband checking my odometer or timing me when I was grocery shopping, I wore what I wanted to, I took long walks just to be out in the world and was meeting my friends for lunch again. I was a hostage and prisoner for so long that this new way of life was so big to me. I had to get more restraining orders cause he came and took a wire out of my car so it wouldn’t start. He followed me and stalked me. I mean he was completely nuts!.
I never dressed like a floozies, I never cheated on him, I never lied about where I was going so all these things he thought I was doing is because he was doing them himself! Therefore he didn’t trust me cause he didn’t trust himself. It has been a while now and to this day, I can’t believe I stayed so long thinking things would change. He has had no marriages or close relationships since I left. It took a while to get deprogrammed but I had an awesome therapist who restored me to sanity. No sane person stays with such a sick person for so long and I stayed for 2 years after the first beating thinking my love would change him. For my Son’s sake, we are cordial with each other now days and I see in his eyes that he knows he was wrong and I take it as an apology. This whole deal has come full circle and is now completely over. I just pray women who read this find the strength to leave cause you are right! How many innocent women do we have to see die at the hands of a monster. God Bless and this a good thing you have done here. Sincerely, Traci denny
23 Nicholl (1 comments.) // Jun 13, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Great article! The information about hiding money, excellent advice. Some women don’t want to do that because they fear what he would do to them if he found out, but to those women who feel that way just imagine what he will do to you if you stay put any longer! I would have to add, stop buying him gifts, the household and children stuff, all of that will keep you broke while giving you more reasos to stay.
24 Lin (640 comments.) // Jun 13, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Thanks Nicholl! Helping abused women learn how to get away from their abusive husbands or boyfriends is really important to me. That’ s why I made sure to write How to Hide Money From An Abusive Husband. Thanks again!
25 Traci // Jun 13, 2008 at 9:12 pm
I am not sure if you put this in your artical Lin but this is what I had to do to get any money at all. I would go into his wallet while he was in the shower. He never knew how much he had exactly and I would take out 5-10 dollars out at a time so not much would be missing.
I called it my “Get away” money cause even though I stayed at my parents, my son still needed diapers and formula and I needed car maintenance and gas money to find a job. It’s not stealing at all when they leave you with no money daily cause half is ours anyway. When you go to court, the judge makes it right when you have bank statements so make sure you have your copies and you will be rewarded half of the savings and checking from the time you left including the amount of child support awarded. You can find free legal support through an agency called Legal Aid.
So it’s real dry at first but hang in there. Our Children and our life is worth way more than anything. However the true treasure lays not in the money at all, but in the complete freedom from their absence! Amen and God Bless all you ladies and Kudos to you Lin for doing all this for women of abuse!!
Sincerely Traci Denny
26 How to Fight Fair in Marriage | Telling It Like It Is // Jul 21, 2008 at 9:04 am
[…] Ways to Add Romance to Your Marriage Understanding Assertiveness: Getting the Respect You Deserve Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men Why Are Women So Strange and Men So Weird? Relationship Deal-Breakers: Non-Negotiable Boundaries […]
Leave a Comment