Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men

If you have ever been the victim of angry, controlling and abusive men, you understand the depths of despair many women in society experience at the hands of men claiming to love them. Domestic violence against women occurs every day, with victims of violence often too afraid to report the abuse to the police, and is often kept secret from close family members and friends.

Getting inside the minds of men exhibiting controlling and abusive behavior is no easy task, and if current statistics are correct, there isn’t much hope in clinical studies nor positive data as to whether or not they can ever be cured. That is not good news for women that are married to an abuser or involved in abusive relationships, making it that much more important for women to become educated as to the early warning signs of abusive behaviors in order to protect themselves and their children.

Statistics of Abuse Reports

(Photo By: Giina Caliente)

Abusive men are often very charismatic, living in virtual denial, quick to blame and manipulate others into thinking and believing they are Mr. Wonderful. These manipulative tendencies often create doubt in a woman’s mind over a period of time as to whether she herself is at fault for the abuse, where she then begins to try and make changes in herself in hopes it will end the domestic abuse in the home.

Anger Management Programs and Couples Counseling for abusers haven’t brought much change in these men, as abusive men have the unique and disturbing ability to manipulate and persuade even their counselors that they themselves are simply misunderstood and not at all to blame for the problems at home. One of the most prevalent features of an angry and controlling partner is how he frequently tells women how they should think and tries to get women to doubt their own perceptions and beliefs.

Each year in the United States, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners or husbands, and one out of three women will become a victim of violence by their husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. Children of abusive men, especially the boys, are more likely to grow up to become abusers themselves in their own relationships.

Children learn what they live

Intimate partner violence against women is steadily increasing, crossing all racial and ethnic boundaries, involving women and teenage girls by their husbands or boyfriends. Founded in 1977, Emerge is the first abuser education program established in the United States, counseling abusive men on an individual basis rather than in group settings, and is working hard to increase public awareness that domestic violence is a learned behavior not a disease, with the goal of helping men stop their abusive behaviors and become better men, husbands and fathers.

Identifying the early warning signs of abusive and controlling men, understanding the four types of abusive behaviors, and recognizing the characteristics of men who batter women can save women’s lives.

“Why Does He Do That?” is an essential resource for women of all ages, for victims of domestic violence, women’s shelters, therapists and counselors. Detailed explanations of the nine types of abusers; manipulative tactics abusive men use; early warnings signs of abusive relationships; dispelling common myths about men who abuse women; the effect such abuse has on children; and getting needed help for abused women.

The good news is that abuse is a learned behavior and can be solved. The bad news is that the abuser must commit to following every step of a quality program in order to solve the problem. Only a small percentage of those who join a quality program actually follow all the necessary steps towards change, and those men who deny having a problem at all have a prognosis of change amounting to ZERO. What if it were to happen to someone you loved? What if it were your sister, mother, niece that were being abused? Or, perhaps your own daughter? Would it still be “someone else’s problem?”

Further Reading:

People Pleasers and Doormats Care What People Think
Abused Men: Battered and Emotionally Abused Male Victims of Domestic Violence
Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members
How To Hide Money From An Abusive Husband
Identifying the Early Warning Signs of Abusive Men
International Women’s Day Say No to Violence Against Women
The Sociopath Next Door-The Ruthless Versus Us

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39 Responses to “Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men”

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  1. nancy says:

    Lin, thanks for your response! I agree totally with you, and if it wasn’t for the current financial problems I am facing, things would be so much different. I do have a case worker that has not returned several of my calls. I have contacted the numbers for abused women that I was given at the time of his arrest, but they have no help for me, all they tell me is the same thing, GET AWAY from him. That’s all fine and dandy if I had somewhere to go. The abuse hotline says I should flee to a shelter, leaving all my belongings behind. My son is an adult now, and would surely not be able to come with me. It is a situation that was created by the men in my life, as they walk away with no care in the world, they leave me and my son behind in a mess, that to me is impossible to get out of. Thanks again for your response.

  2. Jane says:

    I just dunno what to say at the moment, my abuser HAD A PARTNER!! here he was living with another woman and he did the following:

    1/ Coming on strong
    2/ Intimidating me by driving recklessly before I had to give a talk, when I seen him, he was grinning like a cheshire cat! really wierd!
    3/ He or other people were ALWAYS around when I had breaks, it wasn’t too bad if I had my office in my lab
    4/ Staring at me whilst making a cup of coffee in the kitchen
    5/ Staring at my breasts when I was bent over reading things, I wear glasses so I could look up at him and see him do it without him knowing that I knew, when I moved to look up, he was off!
    6/ I was feeling I was walking on eggshells when I was around him
    7/ He snorted a lot at me?
    8/ He seemed to enjoy seeing me cry as I thought I was going mad
    9/ He kept telling me I was special and how he loved me, yet he was rarely around me other times

    I then told his supervisor and the following happened:

    1/ He blares his radio
    2/ He hides in this car park and waits for me as my us was letting me off, as soon as I was walking down, he came out the car park and was on his way
    3/ He goes past me and revs his engine?

    all which you can agree are more of a teenager than a grown male!

    The physical things he did are:

    1/ Touch my hair and stroke it
    2/ Brush past me with erect nipples
    3/ Litterly press himself against me, leaned his head on me so his mouth was near my ear and gave noise as if he was content and said I want to make love to you?
    4/ Kissed me on my cheek

    Whats the relationship and job?

    A lecturer who was recently promoted to head of department and I am a student!!

    Oh yeah I also had the reputation split as well happen, he also has the temper too!

    I just want to say I doesn’t always have to e a partner who is evil, I could be random and the jerk is in a position of power!!

  3. Lin says:

    Hi Jane, abusive men come in all colors, shapes and sizes; and abusive men can be poor, middle class or white color workers. The important thing is for women to recognize the signs of abusive men as early as possible and then get away as soon as possible.

  4. Confused says:

    I am an emotional abuser. I do not fully understand why I am like this, and from reading all of these posts, it makes me feel worthless and like there is no help for someone like me. Most of what I have read here implies that I am screwed from the get go and that there is no help for me. This is very discouraging for someone who DOES want to get help. My fiancee sent me this link to let me know what she was reading about. I for one, can say that not all abusers abuse their partners willingly, as I have not seriously considered or thought about hurting my fiancee. My actions and the way I behave are indirectly scaring her, and “abusing” her. I don’t believe that it is fair to say that most abusers cannot get better. Anyone who is seeking help with this, as I am, grow very discouraged when reading things like that. It makes me feel like I was just given a bad brain, and now I have to live with it? Now I have to live with the fact that it would be best for me to remain single for the rest of my life?

  5. Lin says:

    Confused, I’m glad that your fiance’ has shown you these articles. Obviously she’s wondering what kind of future she might have if the two of you get married, and if she is willing to go through with the wedding with the obvious questions and concerns she must have. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have sent this to you. Good for her! Just the fact that you are/were willing to read the article and then leave a comment says a lot about you. For the good.

    These articles have definitely been written with the abused woman in mind, because the great majority of abusive men are too wrapped up in their own attitudes and behaviors to really give any serious…..thought that their actions are intolerable and must change. Forever. Most abusive men do NOT change, because the so-called cause of the abuse is always blamed on the woman. “If she didn’t say x,y,z I wouldn’t x,y,z”. “If she didn’t do x,y,z I would do x,y,z”. See what I mean?

    Abusive behaviors are learned behaviors. As I said, “children learn what they live”, and if you are exhibiting any kind of abusive tendencies whether it be emotional, verbal or physical, you learned these behaviors somewhere. Unlearning these behaviors is hard work and takes a great deal of time. VERY hard work, because it requires a great deal of personal reflection and delving into the way abusive people were raised, and with the help of therapists try to work through the thoughts and feelings that allow an abusive person to do the things they do. That requires 100% honesty on the part of the abusive partner, and I mean the gut-wrenching, heart pounding, mind blowing honesty that most abusive people are unwilling to go through. Because it’s hard……to do.

    Most abusive men claim to want to change, claim to want to do better, claim to be sorry each and every time they hurt the person they claim to love. Actions speak louder than words. Each and every time an abusive person repeats the same ol behaviors/attitudes, it only cements the reality of the situation and makes the abused person realize (finally) that they cannot be safe and secure in such a situation.

    Can you truly stop being abusive to her in any of the forms of abuse? Perhaps, but I wouldn’t stake my future on it if I were your fiance. The real question is, Are you truly and honestly 100% committed to the time and effort and emotional turmoil that YOU would go through while trying to work through your own issues with a qualified therapist? It’s easy to say, “Of course I am” but are you REALLY willing to do all the work necessary to stop being abusive forever? That’s the clincher.

    If your fiance’ were the one who had commented, I’d be asking her “How many times has he told you he’s sorry for what he said or did to you? How many times has be put you down, criticized you, ridiculed you in public or private, only to then come back (perhaps with puppy dog teary eyes) saying how sorry he is and it won’t ever happen again?” I’d be asking HER “How much abuse are you willing to put up with, and what are your personal relationship deal breakers?”

    I’d be telling her to absolutely without fail….call off the wedding right now! No marriage plans, no planning the wedding. Nothing.

    Until when?, you or she might ask. It takes a LONG time to change deep rooted attitudes and behaviors that were learned throughout childhood and beyond. You basically must unlearn the abusive behaviors and attitudes, and I can tell you with certainty….most abusive men don’t do what they say they will do and end up quitting therapy programs WAY Before they’re even close to getting to the root of the problem. Do I hold much hope for you, that you will change your ways? Experience has taught me the hard way….not to trust one word out of the mouth of an abusive man. Your fiance’ is wise to be giving this serious thought. What would your future children learn from being born into such a relationship? Children learn what they live. The odds aren’t very good. Sorry, but it’s the truth.


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