Have you ever felt as though you were a human doormat? Has your self-esteem and self-confidence ever been so low that you began to believe the negative things people would say to you or about you? Are you a People Pleaser? Does fear of hurting someone’s feelings keep you from communicating in a way that ensures your rights, needs and personal boundaries are respected?
Were you abused as a child in some way? Did fear of physical abuse cause you to grow up without the ability to express your true feelings and needs to those you come in contact with? Have you ever been in an abusive relationship or been married to an abuser?
If you answer Yes to any of the above questions, it’s time we have a chat about learning how to be assertive, how to change your negative self-talk, understanding assertiveness and developing the communication skills needed in order to be shown the respect you rightly deserve.
A Bit of Background First
Anyone who has followed this blog from its inception knows that I was brought up in a controlling and abusive home, where various forms of “punishment” often left me and my brothers battered and bruised, feeling as though no one in the world really cared about me, especially my own family. Ironically, I also grew up in a “religion” that added weight to the controlling and abusive tendencies I suffered as a child, with religious teachings being used as a weapon to keep me and other members of the church organization feeling threatened and afraid of leaving the religion or my marriage. But not anymore.
I got married for the first time at the ripe old age of seventeen, thinking and believing that Mr. Wonderful had come to rescue me into a life of marital bliss free of abuse, only to become a victim of domestic abuse after only six months of marriage. Children that are abused often grow up to marry an abuser no matter how hard they try to avoid it, unable to see the signs of abusive relationships until it is too late. Add to it the religious pressures to conform, and you have yourself a very serious situation on your hands, just as I did. But not anymore.
For me to say that I understand what it means to have low self-esteem, feeling as though your thoughts, feelings, wishes, dreams and desires don’t matter one little bit to anyone, is because I DO understand. I used to that person. But I’m not anymore. I’m here to explain to you how I changed my negative self-talk to become an assertive, self-confident (not aggressive) person, and how you too can and need to learn how to be assertive, and how being assertive greatly improves your personal and professional relationships.
Your Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence Matters
Regardless of how you developed such a low level of self-esteem, that you are often too afraid to speak up for yourself, you have the power within you to change it. I’m not going to suggest that it’s an easy thing to do, because it takes a lot of effort and determination to put aside the negative self-image, but it is doable. I’m living proof. If I can do it, so can you!
One of the most important, and possibly one of the most difficult things to do in changing your negative self-talk and developing assertive communication, is the need to let go of the past. Hanging onto the past, as opposed to letting go of built-up resentments and pain, staying in a victim state of mind, does nothing but keep you spinning in never-ending circles.
Assertive Communication Skills
After many years spent researching different forms of communication styles, it would be pretty easy for me to discuss the three basic forms of communication:
- Assertive
- Passive
- Aggressive
However, I prefer to leave discussions about passive and aggressive communication styles to those with the college degree and experience in mental health to handle. It’s important to understand that assertiveness and aggressiveness are NOT the same thing but are often referred to as being one and the same.
Understanding Assertiveness and You
Assertive communication is the ability to speak and interact in a manner that considers and respects the rights and opinions of others while also standing up for your own rights, needs and personal boundaries.
To be assertive, you must learn to use “I” phrases to express your feelings and beliefs in a straight-forward and respectful manner with those you communicate with, while also respecting the right of others to have a different opinion or viewpoint.
- “I” feel we need to… x,y,z.
- “I” need you to… x,y,z.
- “I” want to… x,y,z.
- “I” feel hurt when you… x,y,z
Dealing with difficult people professionally or personally (or even with those we meet online), can often be challenging. Many people believe they have the right to be downright blunt and harsh in how they communicate with others, but by using assertive communication techniques when dealing with such people, we can maintain our personal boundaries in how we will or will not be treated by others, and at the same time show respect towards others (even if their behavior may not seem so deserving).
Do you have a personal experience with learning how to be assertive to share? Are you struggling to find your own voice in speaking up for yourself? Do you have suggestions for people still battling with self-esteem issues? Please consider sharing your thoughts by leaving a relevant comment below for our readers. With all due respect that is. 
Further Reading-
How To Hide Money From An Abusive Husband
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This is a great post! I have always felt I am assertive enough, but I worry about my daughter. She is so timid, and I worry that she will let people run over her once she is an adult and on her own.
There are some great tips here, and I want to work with her on learning to think in the terms of “I”.
Wow, this article was indeed worth the wait. This article has definitely given me some food for thought. I am one of those unfortunate people who find it easier to submit to the will of others rather than stand up for my own rights. Maybe one day I will get it right.
arnold’s last blog post..Firefox Prefetching
@BabyEinstein, I understand what you mean about wanting to make sure our children grow up assertive and strong.
Considering the length of this post, I decided it would be best to discuss teaching assertiveness to our children in a separate post, still to come.
I’ve worked hard my entire life to make sure my children don’t experience what I did, and to grow up without fear and concern about speaking up for themselves (in a respectful way of course). Not one of my now-grown children is afraid to assert themselves when needed, and I’ve so proud of them for it.
@Arnold, with effort, practice and determination you too can be assertive and receive the many benefits that come from it. I wish you much luck in doing so.
I really worried about one of my daughters. I thought that she wasn’t assertive enough. She proved herself to me on her wedding day, when she was in the staging area of the church, on the cell phone yelling at the florist for forgetting the boutonnieres for the men in the wedding party.
I have always had trouble sticking to my point of view in conversations. But I recently learned a technique that helps. When I am speaking I slow down and let myself have more time to think out what I want to say. It seems to help for some reason.
David’s last blog post..Thomas Boyd/ Photojournalist
Great post Lin. Have stumbled it!!!! Now to go and read all your past posts you’ve linked to. I haven’t had a chance to read back through your archives yet so this will be a good place to start.
Lightening’s last blog post..Ouch!!!
David, that’s one of the things I also did and still do. The more practice given in using these assertive techniques, along with showing respect to others, really does work.
Lightening, thanks for the stumble! I hope you have some tissues nearby, ’cause everyone that I know of that has read those archived posts end up crying.
Those memories don’t upset me anymore. They’re in the past and that’s where they will stay.
Wonderful post. You’ve included a lot of very valuable information, thanks for posting this.
Tara R.’s last blog post..Do the right thing
Thanks Tara, I’m glad it is helpful. Assertiveness is an area that I find is so important for many people, men and women alike, and am glad to share what I’ve learned.
thanks for mentioning my post on resentments, i’m glad you found it useful!
Isabella, your post on letting go of resentments is a great article, and it was my pleasure to bring to my reader’s attention.
Thank you for the link to my article
I’m gonna spend some time poking around the rest of your site, it seems like gold!
Albert, I’m happy to do so. Anytime I find relevant subject matter to go along with my own articles, I believe it’s very useful and helpful for readers to have “further reading” material to build on the subject. Your article, as well as others linked to, did just that.
Very good and sensible post Lin.
Any baby news for you yet?
Thanks Megan, I appreciate you and your blog more than you know.
No news yet, the little guy is still safe and snuggling in his mommie’s tummy.
The parents are talking again, though not telling me anything, but at least their talking again.
Yes. When you are talking to somebody who is on the clock and disputing something and you “slow it down” it drives them crazy. They want you to get mad and walk out.
David, good point. Sometimes it works very well to deal with situations (especially confrontations) exactly the OPPOSITE of how the other person is pushing for.
If they’re yelling and screaming, whisper back. But whisper the fact that you will continue the discussion once they’ve calmed down and will treat you with respect without screaming. Works like a charm!
It’s true that we all tend to carry baggages from our childhood. But I also think that once we reach adulthood, it really all up to us to get rid of all those influences from our negative experiences. Easier said than done but like you said, it’s doable.
TM, it really is doable. And definitely worth all the effort and work.
Hi Lin,
This is great post. I came to know about your blog(yes for the first time) when you submitted this article for the carnival I am hosting. Thanks for submitting this post.
It was about some five years ago when I felt that I have low self-esteem and what I used to think was that other people take me as negative person which as I come to know now was never true. It was only my false perception which decreased my confidence and affected my lifestyle and study. But, I was a good and talented person in everything before. That also helped me to fight with that condition thinking that I was good person before. Why can’t I still become so and my inner believe and confidence that I should be a better person helped me to gain the previous state.
As you have written, it becomes very hard to live and make improvement in such condition. After about continoues effort of four years I gained the normal condition. What I suggest others to do in such condition is to try to think positive in everything but it becomes again very hard in the beginning. But, you can do this after continoues effort. Natureally we all are borned to be positive but some of us becomes negative and we face different negative conditions such a low self-confidence and self-esteem due to various condition. But, I say these are only for short period if we try avoid them. Read those books, magazines which are inspirational,always try to be happy.
Thanks for you willingness to share such a sensitive part of your life. I am sure your story will help others who find themselves in a smilar situation.
Hi
This is a great post.
I have had to learn to be assertive and look at the way I was communicating and it has certainly paid dividends in my life both professionally and personally. Using the “I” phrase was part of changing how I asked for things from people. I am sure this post will help others needing to make that change.
Hi Robyn, thank you for stopping by, and I’m happy you enjoyed this post. Using those “I” phrases really does help jump-start the whole process of change.
These are just some of the important things I’ve worked hard to instill in each of my children, and fortunately they are all outspoken about their feelings and beliefs.
This is an excellent post, as I can really relate. I just finished reading an excellent book entitled ‘Controlling People’ by Patricia Evans. It deals with how controlling people come to be, how to cope with them, and affirms that it is not YOU. Great post.
Hi Phyllis, being assertive (without being aggressive) is really hard for some people, and as has been commented previously, children really need to learn how to be assertive beginning when they are still very young. Otherwise, there’s a high chance of them being manipulated in all types of relationships. I’m glad you enjoyed this article.
This is a great post! I am glad you have escaped your abusive relationships and that you are now able to help people who have been in your situation. I am sure they feel some comfort in knowing you can relate to the emotions they feel. Keep the great advice coming!
Hi Simon,
I really believe it helps people to know others have gone through what they are experiencing, or went through similar problems they dealt with at one time or another.
Many of the topics I write about are very difficult things for most people to talk about to anyone, even those they are closest to. Having someone like me “put it all out there” and say “This happened to me too and I understand how you feel, you are not alone” hopefully provides people some comfort in what they’re going through.
To be honest, Lin.
When I was younger, I’m always a person that lack of confidence and have very low self-esteemed, as I was being teased by people in school as the “Ugly book Nerd”…
Though, I have learned to build up my confidence, after I have been advised by my school counsellor and she really brighten up my world!
Wilson, learning how to be assertive is so important, and children need to be taught assertiveness from the time they are very young, otherwise kids grow up without the ability to speak up for themselves.
As a training provider we are seeing more and more parents enrolling thier teenage daughters on assertiveness training courses.
Much of our behaviour is a result of how we are treated when we are young. Girls are more often taught the importance of compliance from a young age. Many are taught that the displeasure of others should be avoided at all costs. This means in later life that many women find being assertive contrary to their learned set of values.
It is important, especially for women learn the importance and real value of their own feelings and opinions. The displeasure of others, especially of the dominant or bullying type is not the end of the world. Ignoring ones own needs can be much more damaging in the long term. Remember it is not your responsibility to make everyone else OK. You should treat others with the respect that you would like to be shown yourself, but ultimately if it is reasonable to say no or make a request, then if this leads to the displeasure of others it is their problem not yours.
Never be afraid to speak up for yourself.
Breathe deeply when confronted with aggression from others and stand firm
Don’t let others control your emotions and use them against you.
Constantly remind yourself of the benefits of being assertive
Heather Buckley
Hi Heather,
It’s interesting that parents are enrolling their children in assertiveness training courses. Assertiveness and self esteem have common components, and parents have to work hard throughout a childs life to become assertive and independent, which then builds self confidence and self esteem in themselves. If parents were to focus their time and attention on teaching and training their children from birth on through the teen years, there wouldn’t be a need for assertiveness training when they’re older.
This is true, however requests usually come from mothers of girls that have been trough a distressing situation or have been knocked back and are showing signs of low self esteem. Whilst I agree that upbringing and positive encouragement will help kids deal better with life in general, not everyting is in control of the parent, sometimes things happen and a little time to think about how being assertive can change your outlook and make you feel heard in the outside wolrl not only at home can only help.