I received an email yesterday from a parent who has read my previous posts regarding helping and enabling adult children, and is seeking help with her teenage son’s bad attitude and behavior problems. Since her child is not yet an adult, she wonders if those previous posts apply to her situation or not. I’m going to explain the problems that were told to me and what my response was, and I’m counting on you to chime in with your own thoughts and reactions, since she is interested in seeing what my readers will say on the subject.
A mother of a 16-year old teenage boy wrote to me saying that her son has become increasingly disrespectful towards her over the last couple of years, going so far as to cuss and swear at his parents over what she refers to as “trivial matters”. This mother, I’ll call her “Jane”, says that she has always prided herself on doing everything she possibly could to make things as easy on her son as possible, including preparing her son’s school lunches, doing his laundry, cleaning his room, making his bed, giving him spending money etc, but says “nothing I do for my son is appreciated, and he’s always asking for more money and telling his father and I to leave him alone”, followed by the slamming of his bedroom door.
“Jane” discussed the problems with other family members and close friends, and they have all told her that she needs to “learn to let go” of her son and stop controlling his life. She was also told by her husband that she’s “enabling” their son, and that she needs to allow their son to deal with the responsibilities that go with growing up and becoming a responsible adult. Those responses, along with being told that she is “too close” to her son, caused her to begin looking for information about what it means to be an enabler, in order to improve her relationship with her son.
Are You An Enabler?
I was very surprised that Jane continues to do these various chores for her teenage son, including making his lunches, cleaning his room and doing his laundry, even though her son is fully capable of doing these things for himself. Jane was shocked to learn that my now-grown children were taught from a young age how to do their own laundry, and that they began doing it themselves since they were about 10-years old, because I taught them how. I also allowed them the freedom to do these things on their own, so they could feel proud of themselves and their own accomplishments.
I explained to Jane that from the time my children learned how to walk, I began teaching my children everything they needed to know in order to become responsible, independent adults. Each of my children learned how to prepare basic meals, including cooking on the stove, from a very young age. I still remember the excitement in their young voices when they each learned how to make macaroni & cheese, or grilled cheese sandwiches, and the sheer glee of knowing they did it all by themselves (while I carefully observed of course). My sons were not going to grow up with the idea that cooking and cleaning was “women’s work”, and my daughter’s were not going to grow up thinking they “need a man to take care of them”.
Early Warning Signs Of Enabling Behaviors
There are times in relationships when we cross that sometimes invisible line between truly being helpful and supportive~ and acting as enablers, or becoming co-dependent with another person. Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, in her work with families, suggests that 96% of the general population, and persons in helping professions especially, exhibit some forms of co-dependent behavior at one time or in fairly consistent patterns or both. What does that behavior “look like”?
1. Do you find yourself worrying about a person in ways that consume your time, or do you find yourself trying to come up with solutions to his/ her problems rather than letting that person do the solving?
2. Do you find yourself afraid for this person, or convinced that he/she “cannot handle” a situation or relationship without “falling apart”?
3. Do you ever do something for a person which he/she could and even should be doing for him or herself?
4. Do you ever excuse this person’s behavior as being a result of “stress, misunderstanding, or difficulty coping,” even when the behavior hurts or inconveniences you?
5. Have you ever considered giving/given this person money, your car, or talked to someone for this person as a way of reducing this person’s pain?
6. Do you feel angry if this person does not follow through with something you have suggested - or do you worry that you may not be doing enough for this person?
7. Do you ever feel you have a unique and special relationship with this person, unlike anyone else they may know?
8. Do you feel protective of this person - even though he/she is an adult and is capable of taking care of his/her life?
9. Do you ever wish others in this person’s life would change their behavior or attitudes to make things easier for this person?
10. Do you feel responsible for getting this person help?
11. Do you feel reluctant to refer an individual to a source of help or assistance, uncertain if another person can understand or appreciate this person’s situation the way you do?
12. Do you ever feel manipulated by this person but ignore your feelings?
13. Do you ever feel that no one understands this person as you do?
14. Do you ever feel that you know best what another person needs to do or that you recognize his/her needs better than he/she does?
15. Do you sometimes feel alone in your attempts to help a person or do you feel you may be the only person to help this individual?
16. Do you ever want to make yourself more available to another person, at the expense of your own energy, time, or commitments?
17. Do you find yourself realizing that an individual may have more problems than you initially sensed and that you will need to give him/her your support or help for a long time?
18. Do you ever feel, as a result of getting to know this person, that you feel energized and can see yourself helping people like him/her to solve their problems?
19. Have you ever begun to “see yourself” in this person and his/her problems?
20. Has anyone ever suggested to you that you are “too close” to this person or this situation?
If you have answered “yes” to two or more of these questions, it is likely that, at one time or another - or on a regular basis - you have crossed the line from being supportive to being an enabler or co-dependent.
Just Say No To Enabling
I am a firm believer in the old saying, “Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve fed him for a lifetime.” Does that put me in line for the next “mother of the year award”? No. It only means I take parenting very seriously. It is the responsibility of each and every parent, mothers and fathers alike, to teach and train their children how to become responsible, independent, self-sufficient adults.
Very young children can and need to be taught how to pick up after themselves; putting their clothes and toys in their proper place; how to make their bed; how to wash dishes; how to dust and vacuum; how to properly clean a bathroom; how to cook or prepare basic meals, etc. But most importantly, parents must allow their children the needed age-appropriate independence, in order to have pride in their own achievements. When children have learned how to do these basics of living, parents must learn to let go of any controlling tendencies, such as not criticizing their children when chores aren’t completed “perfectly”.
My advice to Jane was that she immediately stop the enabling behaviors, and allow her teenage son to do for himself what he is capable of doing, as well as lovingly teach her son the life-skills that he may be lacking. Looking at the situation from a teenager’s point of view, I can see how Jane’s son might feel oppressed and angry by his mother’s efforts to make things as “easy on him as possible”, and I believe his angry outbursts and door slamming is his way of acting out his frustrations of being controlled. He’s growing up to become a man, and he needs to know that his mother and father have faith and trust in his ability to handle the many responsibilities of being an adult.
Now it’s your turn to add to the discussion by leaving a comment below. Do you have a personal story about helping vs. enabling? What age did you begin teaching your children how to do certain things for themselves? Do you perhaps see yourself as being an enabler? What advice would you give Jane?
Further Reading:
Parenting Without Pressure
Helping and Enabling-Is There A Difference?
Are Parents Helping or Enabling Their Adult Children?
Children Who Refuse To Grow Up
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around him. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors.
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31 responses so far ↓
1 Jess // Mar 31, 2008 at 12:33 pm
This advice is great for those with young children. I, myself, am co-dependent and have spent the last two years un-learning those behaviors which include enabling. My mother was an alcoholic which contributed a great deal to learning these behaviors.
I have a question though. I have been involved for nearly 11 years with a man whose mother has been a complete enabler for the entire 32 years of his life. At 60-something (no one knows her real age), she is still his enabler. I don’t even know how to begin to tell you.
At 32, my boyfriend still lives at home per his mother’s encouragement. Of course, she’s never encouraged him to move out either. She still cleans his room, cooks him dinner, picks up his wet towels from the bathroom floor, washes his dishes, brings him dinner in bed, washes his laundry takes care of his 12 year old daughter (picks her up, cares for her all weekend and occasionally takes her back home), and calls him several times a day to “check” on him.
He’s been spending a lot of time at my house, recently, but his behaviors and actions (or lack thereof) drive me crazy. Because he’s never been made to pick up after himself at home, he doesn’t at my house. I feel like a constant nag. “Rinse your glass. Take your shoes off. Rinse your plate. Take care of your clothes. Please don’t get toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror. Put the toilet seat down. Don’t leave your wet towel on the floor, bed, couch, or anywhere else other than the towel rack.” It’s insane. Most recently, he wore his muddy boots in and I asked him to stand by the door or take them off. So he went into my bathroom (the only place not carpeted) and stomped his boots off. I thought that he’d sweep it up, right? NO! Unbeknownst to me, he swept it under the rug! Who does that? A five year-old, maybe. I found out because, a few days later, I asked him to sweep the bathroom because there were still remnants of his stomping and, right there in front of me, he picked up the rug and I saw all the dirt. I was utterly disgusted at his lack of consideration.
I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together for a really long time. In the beginning, I was a huge enabler for him as well. Only in the last 4 years or so have I been learning differently. I moved out on my own and am feeling a great deal of independence and freedom from all of my old “let me take care of you “ ways. I’ve tried talking to him to see if he’s even interested in doing for himself. He’s learned quite a bit from what I’ve gone through and read some of the materials that I’ve brought home from counseling. Yet, not a whole lot of it sinks in. He thinks that they way he was brought up with his mother enabler (who makes excuses for his every action) was normal and it’s ok.
There’s no convincing his mother to stop either. She thinks she’s a model for all mothers and, countless times, I’ve heard her advising young mothers and teaching them her enabling tricks.
Do you think it’s too late for him at age 32? My thought has been that the only way he’ll ever leave him is if he truly decides to be his own man and be independent. Until then, he’ll continue to let her do everything for him. It’s easier that way.
2 dawn (1 comments.) // Mar 31, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I am embarrassed to say how many times I answered yes. I kind of knew it but this really hit home… time to make some changes.
3 Lin (640 comments.) // Mar 31, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Hi Jess! WOW! What an amazing story you present. That is absolutely a perfect description of enabling behaviors. To think that the mother actually believes she is helping her son, or doing what mothers are “supposed” to do, boggles my mind.
Do I think there is a chance he will change? A “chance” is a good way of putting it, because at this point I’m too inclined to believe the chances are not very good. But, as you said, you have made needed changes yourself to stop being an enabler and you’re recognizing the harmful effects.
Since you’ve been with this man for so long, and you know his point of view and his mother’s point of view (and the HOLD she has on him), I believe it boils down to a couple of choices:
You can choose to accept and go along with the situation as is, understanding that as “mom” gets more advanced in years her ability to cater to his every want and whim will greatly diminish, that your boyfriend will expect you to pick up where she left off. Are you willing to do that?
The other choice as I see it is to cut your losses and run as fast as possible from this relationship. I realize you’ve already invested 11 years into this relationship, but can you honestly see yourself filling “mom” shoes in twenty or thirty years from now? Better to move on with your life now, then look back in many years wishing you had.
After reading your comment, it dawned on me that I neglected to add “Further Reading” links at the of the post, that would lead you to my posts:
Helping and Enabling-Is There A Difference?
Helping or Enabling Adult Children
Once you’ve had a chance to read those, let me know what you think. You may even want to provide copies of those articles to “mom” and boyfriend. Good luck to you!
4 Lin (640 comments.) // Mar 31, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Hi Dawn, I think these points tend to hit home with a lot of people. It just proves how prevalent a problem enabling really is, and how important it is for parents to teach and train their children (starting at a young age), so when children become adults they have the knowledge and skills needed to be successfully independent.
5 Heather (1 comments.) // Mar 31, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I’m 18 years old, and youngest daughter of Lin (the one who posted this). Since i was very little, i was taught how to cook my own food, do my laundry, clean my room, clean the kitchen, do the dishes, and any other thing that a successful independent adult should know how to do.
My mom taught all of us kids, at a very young age, how to be independent, and how to do things on our own. The only times my mom has ever cleaned my room, was when i was a baby. After i learned how to walk and talk, i was always told, “Go pick up your toys”, “Go clean your room”, etc.
By the time i was about 8 years old, i had already known how to work a stove, use the oven, use the microwave, everything. I’m very greatful to my mom that she taught me all those things at a very early age. I would feel more embarrassed than anything, if my mom still cleaned the room, did the laundry, cooked the food, etc. of an 18 year old adult, who is fully capable of doing those things on my own.
My oldest brother is almost 30 years old, and still lives at home with my dad. He knows how to cook, clean, do his laundry, and everything else. He just chooses not to; and my dad lets him be that way. My dad is very much an enabler, and doesn’t seem to either care, or notice.
All kids need to learn how to do the things that they will need to do as an adult, from the time they are very young.
6 Jess // Mar 31, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Thank you for your response. It sounded very familiar to what my therapist has said. Can I live with him the way he is?
One of the hardest parts for me to accept with his mother is that she is the one who needs to be needed. So, if my boyfriend is blowing her off, then she starts to make issues up for his siblings and start calling and harassing them. Or, she clings to my boyfriend’s 12 year old daughter which makes me insane. I already see the signs in her at 12 of codependency.
Her mother has 3 other children and she is the oldest and given the most responsibility of the house work and caring for the other children while her mother sleeps because she works third shift. No one spends much time, if any with her. But when grandma gets hold of her, there is complete and utter chaos, in my mind.
Grandma lets her “help” with the house cleaning (which is never-ending) and they stay up until 4 am on a regular basis “helping grandma.” At 12, she’s allowed to stay up as late as she wants because grandma needs company. Grandma also makes her sleep with her because the boogeyman might break into the house and take her. Grandma lets her miss school because “she needs a break”. This child could stay in the same outfit all weekend long with no shower, no change of clothes, no night clothes, nothing. Meals are sporadic or utterly unhealthy (and, at 12, she’s fairly overweight already).
My boyfriend rarely spends time with his daughter. It saddens me so. She is in such need of guidance and that relationship with her dad. When he does spend time with her, he’s constantly negative. He never has anything nice to say. He’s always on her about something. On occasion, I say something to him because he will get after her for things that he just expects her to know. He’s never taken the time to actually teach her.
I have talked with my boyfriend about it being his choice to allow his mother to continually cater to him at this point in life. I suppose that should speak volumes to me that it continues.
His mother had called me one day and tried to suck me into her trap. She stated that she was all worried about me and that I had been on her mind and she knew that meant that something was wrong so she was calling to check on me. I wanted to scream into the wind at the insanity of it. I was astonished when my boyfriend said I should be thankful because at least she cares. I didn’t know what to say to that. “Yes, she cares in an obsessive and unhealthy way that is beyond actual care and concern for one’s welfare?!?!” He honestly thinks her incessant calling all hours of the day is caring. If she doesn’t get ahold of him, she calls both my cell phone and my home phone (neither of which I answer, mind you) to see if I know where he is.
Anyway, I appreciate your comments and allowing me to state my issues here. It’s nice to have the affirmation that I’m not crazy thinking this way of life is odd.
My therapist seems to think that I have time to make my decision. I feel that time is ticking away though. At 29, it’s a hard choice to make.
Thank you!
7 Lin (640 comments.) // Mar 31, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Jess, I hope all the best for you in making your ultimate decision, and whatever you choose to do, I wish you much joy and happiness. Truly a sad situation you are dealing with. (((Hugs)))
8 Hungry Mother (45 comments.) // Mar 31, 2008 at 4:29 pm
This is such an important area for discussion. As parents of 3 now adult children, my wife and I faced this issue constantly. We discussed our children at length and often and made sure that we were always consistent with one another. We didn’t always agree at first on some issues, but we came to a consensus as soon as possible so as not to confuse the kids. I really like the idea of “tough love”, but the real love has to always be visible too.
9 Lin (640 comments.) // Mar 31, 2008 at 4:36 pm
HM, it really is an important topic for parents, as well as adult children. Using “tough love” doesn’t require being a dictator or authoritarian, but simply means having clearly defined boundaries that cannot and will not be crossed (at least not without consequences). I’m real big on “tough love”, which is probably quite obvious in many of my posts.
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13 Linda // Apr 7, 2008 at 9:19 am
I answered yes to every all 20 questions. I am such an enabler to my 24-year-old daughter, but I do not know how to stop. I feel so frustrated. I wish I had said “no” years ago and I feel like it is too late.
14 Lin (640 comments.) // Apr 7, 2008 at 9:40 am
Hi Linda, it is never too late to stop being an enabler, and putting a stop to enabling behaviors will help your daughter in more ways than you may imagine.
You want your daughter to be a responsible adult in every way. If you continue enabling your daughter, what will happen to her when you’re no longer alive to rescue her? She has to learn how to be independent and responsible with money, and every other part of being an adult.
While you don’t mention any specific examples of how you have been enabling your daughter, you can and need to stop now. Now.
It’s not easy watching our grown children make mistakes or make bad choices in life, but we have to allow them to deal with the consequences and feel the “pain” of their own decisions and not shield them from the real world.
It is never too late to stop being an enabler, and you have to make the firm decision within yourself that the things you’ve been doing in an effort to “help” your daughter just aren’t working.
Stop giving money to adult children, and stop right now. “Real need brings real motivation”. Children will not learn to be responsible adults as long as they KNOW they have mom and/or dad as a backup plan. Children will continue spending their money on wants instead of needs, because they know parents will give them money. Why would adult children want to give up such a good deal on their own?
You can stop enabling behaviors, and you need to do it right away.
15 JHS (7 comments.) // Apr 13, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Thanks for participating in this week’s Carnival of Family Life, hosted at On the Horizon tomorrow, April 14, 2008! Be sure to drop by and check out all of the other excellent entries this week!
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17 Jenny (2 comments.) // Apr 14, 2008 at 12:40 am
Thank you for submitting your post to the Mommy Blog Carnival for April 15th. I’ve included it in the upcoming edition.
Hope to see you drop by and check out the other participants. Again, thank you!
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22 Ann // May 25, 2008 at 9:38 am
Hi, I am married to a man and his ex wife that continues to enable his grown son. The son moved out to Colorado with a young woman, pregnant at the time, then mommy and daddy gave him money for a down payment. He needs a house. Over the years (7) money , car, etc was always given to him to resue them because he is a carpenter in the mts and couldn’t make ends meet. He was an alcoholic, and says he is in AA. After 2nd child, they broke up, wife doesn’t want kids, and now even more money is handed over to help him live, Lost a regular job due to being sick. Every day a different problem, one day good , one day, depressed, etc. Both mommy and daddy are going into IRA’s to still give money. Just recently $ 1200 for a car because the truck he had consumed too much in gas money!! He said he will pay back money but now he has no job, no mortgage payments and no maoney to pay for insurance for cars. So who do you think the money will come from? His parents again are getting ready to give money, eventhough they are jeopardizing
their retirement future. I think I am the one who needs help!!!!
23 Lin (640 comments.) // May 25, 2008 at 10:56 am
Hi Ann, your story is one I’ve heard many times, where parents are going into their personal retirement funds in order to “help” their grown children.
More often than not, these same parents find themselves in financial despair when they retire, because all of their funds (or most of it) is now gone and they are financially crippled themselves due to their enabling behaviors with their kids.
Whether the enabling continues because of concern or fear that they will lose contact with grandchildren, or their adult children won’t talk to them anymore because they are angry the money is not being handed out, the enabling is detrimental to the grown kids in many ways and it’s harmful for the parents that don’t “close the bank of mom and dad”.
I highly recommend the book mentioned in this article, “Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children”, and have your husband read the book as well, or perhaps get him his own copy to read.
While it is difficult dealing with this situation with a grown step-child, you do have to think of your own future and retirement as a married couple, so you are right to be concerned how the enabling is harmful for the grown son but also..how it’s harmful to you and your husband and your future retirement stability. I wish you much luck in your efforts to stop the enabling in your family situation.
24 Jane // Jun 20, 2008 at 4:26 am
I am glad I found this site. I am the worlds worst enabler I have just discovered! I find myself angry, and taken advantage of by my 3 adult kids. Partly I blame this on fear for my grandchildren. The other part I don’t have an answer for. I need some serious help in stopping the enabling. It is not a control issue for me. I just want peace, and I want to learn how to let my kids either grow up on their own or just fail all on their own. I think I may do it out of guilt or because of my horrible childhood experiences.They are all bipolar, but that cannot be an excuse for their behaviors all the time.
25 Jane // Jun 20, 2008 at 4:49 am
I’ll try to not confuse anyone. My daughter is the one that manipulates me most. She had a child at age 16. I have custody of this child who is now 9. My daughter took off and was free as a bird while hubby and I paid daycare etc. We still both work full time, then own and manage 8 or 9 rental properties as well. My daughter has a 5 year old with her husban, and a new baby due in about a month or so. He refuses to keep a job for any length of time at all. They are both horribly lazy. We bought a little house about 3 yrs ago for them to live in so grandkids could have a stable home (first duh!)…now I stupidly just bought a very nice car that is only 2 yrs old so son in law could have dependable ride to work (another duh!). Car is in my name, so I will be responsible for payments if they don’t pay. They are all living in my home, but are supposed to pay rent of $400 a month which includes all utilities, phone, cable…and they are to provide their own food. Daughter is on disability for bipolar, but quite frankly I think she could work but cannot get along with people and she is lazy as sin. I end up doing three fourths of laundry, cooking and housework even though I work full time and she is home. The two kids are in fun summer school and are gone from a little after 7 am to 4 pm…and what does she do? Sits on her lazy butt and naps or watches TV. Son in law just quit his job this week because it WAS TOO HARD!!!! Got a different PART TIME job (16 week). How is this going to pay for new baby needs, car payment, food for 5 and car insurance? It won’t…which leaves me in a financial bind of my own doing. The house we bought for them a few yrs ago, they left in a few months and we have been paying payments since. We started working on it and it has not been finished so it can be rented. We ran out of money and time! Son in law does not help my husband because my daughter gets mad if he isn’t stuffed right up her back side constantly. She refuses to let him work 3rd shift as he sleeps too much then! They try to depend on the system all the time. Like medicaid and such. Since he quit his good paying job, they get right back on medicaid! He now has a job making almost $5 an hour less, and 24 hours less! She “guilts” me into buying baby stuff she needs, or clothes and shoes for the grandkids, or stuff she wants. I need serious help to stop enabling. I am here to listen to advice and start changing things in my life. There is so much more to tell, but so little time. Thanks in advance for lending an ear. Jane
26 Lin (640 comments.) // Jun 20, 2008 at 5:43 am
Hi Jane. Wow, your situation is a doozy. To be frank with you, if you don’t get the enabling under control as soon as possible, “helping” your grown children the way you have been is very possibly going to land you right in the poor house, bankruptcy perhaps, or at least make it that you’re unable to provide yourself peace and security for yourself in your retirement years.
I don’t know if you had the chance to read my article How to Stop Enabling, so I highly recommend that you read that for sure.
I also think reading
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children would help you a lot in figuring out for sure what has been causing you to be an enabler as well as helpful advice and suggestions of how to stop enabling in order for you to have your needs met, and ensuring your grown children are given the opportunity to stand on their own two feet financially and in every other way.
Ask yourself: Is the help I’ve been trying to give to my children bringing the results hoped for? If I continue to “help” my kids in the ways I have been, how will this affect me personally, financially, emotionally etc in years to come?
One thing I say pretty often is: Need creates motivation. If the needs and wants are being taken care of by you, what would possibly motivate grown kids to take care of themselves when they know they obviously don’t have to? As long as the needs and wants are being catered to by mom and/or dad, there will be a slim-to-none chance of your children’s behaviors and attitude coming to an end. That means YOU as the parent have to be the one to stop the enabling, stop giving money or buying things for these kids, because if they really want or need these things, they will find a way to earn the money to get those things. Including food for themselves. For now though, they know they can count on you to pay for everything and they have no reason to believe they need to work the kind of hours needed or make the kind of money they will need in order to be financially independent.
Read the book Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children, and I’m confident you will see for yourself that you really can stop enabling these kids. Good luck to you!
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28 Betty // Jul 1, 2008 at 6:29 pm
It’s sad that so many parents today are caught in the trap of doing too much for their adult children. I have friends who have told me they want to be “buddies” with their kids, and are afraid to say “no” to them because their kids won’t like them anymore. Some have said they had parents who expected a lot of them and they won’t do that with their kids. Isn’t this kind of like a rebellious attitude on the part of the parents? Aren’t they acting just as immature as their kids are? What do you all think?
I would like to add that I tried to help my kids by teaching them what they needed to know to survive as adults (esp. single adults). It worked to an extent (except when my ex-husband interferred). I tried to tell him that we should give them boundaries to instill self-confidence so that they would be successful in whatever they pursued in life. His answer was to be a “buddy” to our girls and portray me as the meanie when I tried giving them boundaries with regard to their behavior. He left and they followed (no rules at his house). I was able to guide our son and he has more self-confidence and stability than his sisters have. No one says it’s easy to raise kids and then let go, but we aren’t doing any of us any good if we don’t do it. If we don’t, they are miserable, and we are miserable. I’m afraid this generation of young people is so spoiled that they won’t be able to survive if this recession gets much worse. They don’t know the difference between needs and wants so will have a lot of trouble deciding what’s important and what’s not. That isn’t fair to them. We should have done the right thing and raised them to be independent! Shame on us!
29 Lin (640 comments.) // Jul 1, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Betty, it’s interesting that you bring up the point about parents being buddies or friends with their children, as opposed to parents being parents to their children.
It’s interesting that you brought that up, because I’ve been thinking that I need to write an article about whether it’s wise or not for parents to be “friends” with their children, or if parents need to understand the role and responsibility that parents have to raise children allows no room for “best bud” relationships. I’ll have to do some work on that, look up some relevant news or study reports etc, and see what I can come up soon. Thanks for the idea Betty!
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