I received an email yesterday from a parent who has read my previous posts regarding helping and enabling adult children, and is seeking help with her teenage son’s bad attitude and behavior problems. Since her child is not yet an adult, she wonders if those previous posts apply to her situation or not. I’m going to explain the problems that were told to me and what my response was, and I’m counting on you to chime in with your own thoughts and reactions, since she is interested in seeing what my readers will say on the subject.
A mother of a 16-year old teenage boy wrote to me saying that her son has become increasingly disrespectful towards her over the last couple of years, going so far as to cuss and swear at his parents over what she refers to as “trivial matters”. This mother, I’ll call her “Jane”, says that she has always prided herself on doing everything she possibly could to make things as easy on her son as possible, including preparing her son’s school lunches, doing his laundry, cleaning his room, making his bed, giving him spending money etc, but says “nothing I do for my son is appreciated, and he’s always asking for more money and telling his father and I to leave him alone”, followed by the slamming of his bedroom door.
“Jane” discussed the problems with other family members and close friends, and they have all told her that she needs to “learn to let go” of her son and stop controlling his life. She was also told by her husband that she’s “enabling” their son, and that she needs to allow their son to deal with the responsibilities that go with growing up and becoming a responsible adult. Those responses, along with being told that she is “too close” to her son, caused her to begin looking for information about what it means to be an enabler, in order to improve her relationship with her son.
Are You An Enabler?
I was very surprised that Jane continues to do these various chores for her teenage son, including making his lunches, cleaning his room and doing his laundry, even though her son is fully capable of doing these things for himself. Jane was shocked to learn that my now-grown children were taught from a young age how to do their own laundry, and that they began doing it themselves since they were about 10-years old, because I taught them how. I also allowed them the freedom to do these things on their own, so they could feel proud of themselves and their own accomplishments.
I explained to Jane that from the time my children learned how to walk, I began teaching my children everything they needed to know in order to become responsible, independent adults. Each of my children learned how to prepare basic meals, including cooking on the stove, from a very young age. I still remember the excitement in their young voices when they each learned how to make macaroni & cheese, or grilled cheese sandwiches, and the sheer glee of knowing they did it all by themselves (while I carefully observed of course). My sons were not going to grow up with the idea that cooking and cleaning was “women’s work”, and my daughter’s were not going to grow up thinking they “need a man to take care of them”.
Early Warning Signs Of Enabling Behaviors
There are times in relationships when we cross that sometimes invisible line between truly being helpful and supportive and acting as enablers, or becoming co-dependent with another person. Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, in her work with families, suggests that 96% of the general population, and persons in helping professions especially, exhibit some forms of co-dependent behavior at one time or in fairly consistent patterns or both. What does that behavior “look like”?
1. Do you find yourself worrying about a person in ways that consume your time, or do you find yourself trying to come up with solutions to his/ her problems rather than letting that person do the solving?
2. Do you find yourself afraid for this person, or convinced that he/she “cannot handle” a situation or relationship without “falling apart”?
3. Do you ever do something for a person which he/she could and even should be doing for him or herself?
4. Do you ever excuse this person’s behavior as being a result of “stress, misunderstanding, or difficulty coping,” even when the behavior hurts or inconveniences you?
5. Have you ever considered giving/given this person money, your car, or talked to someone for this person as a way of reducing this person’s pain?
6. Do you feel angry if this person does not follow through with something you have suggested – or do you worry that you may not be doing enough for this person?
7. Do you ever feel you have a unique and special relationship with this person, unlike anyone else they may know?
8. Do you feel protective of this person – even though he/she is an adult and is capable of taking care of his/her life?
9. Do you ever wish others in this person’s life would change their behavior or attitudes to make things easier for this person?
10. Do you feel responsible for getting this person help?
11. Do you feel reluctant to refer an individual to a source of help or assistance, uncertain if another person can understand or appreciate this person’s situation the way you do?
12. Do you ever feel manipulated by this person but ignore your feelings?
13. Do you ever feel that no one understands this person as you do?
14. Do you ever feel that you know best what another person needs to do or that you recognize his/her needs better than he/she does?
15. Do you sometimes feel alone in your attempts to help a person or do you feel you may be the only person to help this individual?
16. Do you ever want to make yourself more available to another person, at the expense of your own energy, time, or commitments?
17. Do you find yourself realizing that an individual may have more problems than you initially sensed and that you will need to give him/her your support or help for a long time?
18. Do you ever feel, as a result of getting to know this person, that you feel energized and can see yourself helping people like him/her to solve their problems?
19. Have you ever begun to “see yourself” in this person and his/her problems?
20. Has anyone ever suggested to you that you are “too close” to this person or this situation?
If you have answered “yes” to two or more of these questions, it is likely that, at one time or another – or on a regular basis – you have crossed the line from being supportive to being an enabler or co-dependent.
Just Say No To Enabling
I am a firm believer in the old saying, “Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve fed him for a lifetime.” Does that put me in line for the next “mother of the year award”? No. It only means I take parenting very seriously. It is the responsibility of each and every parent, mothers and fathers alike, to teach and train their children how to become responsible, independent, self-sufficient adults.
Very young children can and need to be taught how to pick up after themselves; putting their clothes and toys in their proper place; how to make their bed; how to wash dishes; how to dust and vacuum; how to properly clean a bathroom; how to cook or prepare basic meals, etc. But most importantly, parents must allow their children the needed age-appropriate independence, in order to have pride in their own achievements. When children have learned how to do these basics of living, parents must learn to let go of any controlling tendencies, such as not criticizing their children when chores aren’t completed “perfectly”.
My advice to Jane was that she immediately stop the enabling behaviors, and allow her teenage son to do for himself what he is capable of doing, as well as lovingly teach her son the life-skills that he may be lacking. Looking at the situation from a teenager’s point of view, I can see how Jane’s son might feel oppressed and angry by his mother’s efforts to make things as “easy on him as possible”, and I believe his angry outbursts and door slamming is his way of acting out his frustrations of being controlled. He’s growing up to become a man, and he needs to know that his mother and father have faith and trust in his ability to handle the many responsibilities of being an adult.
Now it’s your turn to add to the discussion by leaving a comment below. Do you have a personal story about helping vs. enabling? What age did you begin teaching your children how to do certain things for themselves? Do you perhaps see yourself as being an enabler? What advice would you give Jane?
Further Reading:
Parenting Without Pressure
Helping and Enabling-Is There A Difference?
Are Parents Helping or Enabling Their Adult Children?
Children Who Refuse To Grow Up
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around him. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors.
This advice is great for those with young children. I, myself, am co-dependent and have spent the last two years un-learning those behaviors which include enabling. My mother was an alcoholic which contributed a great deal to learning these behaviors.
I have a question though. I have been involved for nearly 11 years with a man whose mother has been a complete enabler for the entire 32 years of his life. At 60-something (no one knows her real age), she is still his enabler. I don’t even know how to begin to tell you.
At 32, my boyfriend still lives at home per his mother’s encouragement. Of course, she’s never encouraged him to move out either. She still cleans his room, cooks him dinner, picks up his wet towels from the bathroom floor, washes his dishes, brings him dinner in bed, washes his laundry takes care of his 12 year old daughter (picks her up, cares for her all weekend and occasionally takes her back home), and calls him several times a day to “check†on him.
He’s been spending a lot of time at my house, recently, but his behaviors and actions (or lack thereof) drive me crazy. Because he’s never been made to pick up after himself at home, he doesn’t at my house. I feel like a constant nag. “Rinse your glass. Take your shoes off. Rinse your plate. Take care of your clothes. Please don’t get toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror. Put the toilet seat down. Don’t leave your wet towel on the floor, bed, couch, or anywhere else other than the towel rack.†It’s insane. Most recently, he wore his muddy boots in and I asked him to stand by the door or take them off. So he went into my bathroom (the only place not carpeted) and stomped his boots off. I thought that he’d sweep it up, right? NO! Unbeknownst to me, he swept it under the rug! Who does that? A five year-old, maybe. I found out because, a few days later, I asked him to sweep the bathroom because there were still remnants of his stomping and, right there in front of me, he picked up the rug and I saw all the dirt. I was utterly disgusted at his lack of consideration.
I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together for a really long time. In the beginning, I was a huge enabler for him as well. Only in the last 4 years or so have I been learning differently. I moved out on my own and am feeling a great deal of independence and freedom from all of my old “let me take care of you “ ways. I’ve tried talking to him to see if he’s even interested in doing for himself. He’s learned quite a bit from what I’ve gone through and read some of the materials that I’ve brought home from counseling. Yet, not a whole lot of it sinks in. He thinks that they way he was brought up with his mother enabler (who makes excuses for his every action) was normal and it’s ok.
There’s no convincing his mother to stop either. She thinks she’s a model for all mothers and, countless times, I’ve heard her advising young mothers and teaching them her enabling tricks.
Do you think it’s too late for him at age 32? My thought has been that the only way he’ll ever leave him is if he truly decides to be his own man and be independent. Until then, he’ll continue to let her do everything for him. It’s easier that way.
I am embarrassed to say how many times I answered yes. I kind of knew it but this really hit home… time to make some changes.
Hi Jess! WOW! What an amazing story you present. That is absolutely a perfect description of enabling behaviors. To think that the mother actually believes she is helping her son, or doing what mothers are “supposed” to do, boggles my mind.
Do I think there is a chance he will change? A “chance” is a good way of putting it, because at this point I’m too inclined to believe the chances are not very good. But, as you said, you have made needed changes yourself to stop being an enabler and you’re recognizing the harmful effects.
Since you’ve been with this man for so long, and you know his point of view and his mother’s point of view (and the HOLD she has on him), I believe it boils down to a couple of choices:
You can choose to accept and go along with the situation as is, understanding that as “mom” gets more advanced in years her ability to cater to his every want and whim will greatly diminish, that your boyfriend will expect you to pick up where she left off. Are you willing to do that?
The other choice as I see it is to cut your losses and run as fast as possible from this relationship. I realize you’ve already invested 11 years into this relationship, but can you honestly see yourself filling “mom” shoes in twenty or thirty years from now? Better to move on with your life now, then look back in many years wishing you had.
After reading your comment, it dawned on me that I neglected to add “Further Reading” links at the of the post, that would lead you to my posts:
Helping and Enabling-Is There A Difference?
Helping or Enabling Adult Children
Once you’ve had a chance to read those, let me know what you think. You may even want to provide copies of those articles to “mom” and boyfriend. Good luck to you!
Hi Dawn, I think these points tend to hit home with a lot of people. It just proves how prevalent a problem enabling really is, and how important it is for parents to teach and train their children (starting at a young age), so when children become adults they have the knowledge and skills needed to be successfully independent.
I’m 18 years old, and youngest daughter of Lin (the one who posted this). Since i was very little, i was taught how to cook my own food, do my laundry, clean my room, clean the kitchen, do the dishes, and any other thing that a successful independent adult should know how to do.
My mom taught all of us kids, at a very young age, how to be independent, and how to do things on our own. The only times my mom has ever cleaned my room, was when i was a baby. After i learned how to walk and talk, i was always told, “Go pick up your toys”, “Go clean your room”, etc.
By the time i was about 8 years old, i had already known how to work a stove, use the oven, use the microwave, everything. I’m very greatful to my mom that she taught me all those things at a very early age. I would feel more embarrassed than anything, if my mom still cleaned the room, did the laundry, cooked the food, etc. of an 18 year old adult, who is fully capable of doing those things on my own.
My oldest brother is almost 30 years old, and still lives at home with my dad. He knows how to cook, clean, do his laundry, and everything else. He just chooses not to; and my dad lets him be that way. My dad is very much an enabler, and doesn’t seem to either care, or notice.
All kids need to learn how to do the things that they will need to do as an adult, from the time they are very young.
Thank you for your response. It sounded very familiar to what my therapist has said. Can I live with him the way he is?
One of the hardest parts for me to accept with his mother is that she is the one who needs to be needed. So, if my boyfriend is blowing her off, then she starts to make issues up for his siblings and start calling and harassing them. Or, she clings to my boyfriend’s 12 year old daughter which makes me insane. I already see the signs in her at 12 of codependency.
Her mother has 3 other children and she is the oldest and given the most responsibility of the house work and caring for the other children while her mother sleeps because she works third shift. No one spends much time, if any with her. But when grandma gets hold of her, there is complete and utter chaos, in my mind.
Grandma lets her “help†with the house cleaning (which is never-ending) and they stay up until 4 am on a regular basis “helping grandma.†At 12, she’s allowed to stay up as late as she wants because grandma needs company. Grandma also makes her sleep with her because the boogeyman might break into the house and take her. Grandma lets her miss school because “she needs a breakâ€. This child could stay in the same outfit all weekend long with no shower, no change of clothes, no night clothes, nothing. Meals are sporadic or utterly unhealthy (and, at 12, she’s fairly overweight already).
My boyfriend rarely spends time with his daughter. It saddens me so. She is in such need of guidance and that relationship with her dad. When he does spend time with her, he’s constantly negative. He never has anything nice to say. He’s always on her about something. On occasion, I say something to him because he will get after her for things that he just expects her to know. He’s never taken the time to actually teach her.
I have talked with my boyfriend about it being his choice to allow his mother to continually cater to him at this point in life. I suppose that should speak volumes to me that it continues.
His mother had called me one day and tried to suck me into her trap. She stated that she was all worried about me and that I had been on her mind and she knew that meant that something was wrong so she was calling to check on me. I wanted to scream into the wind at the insanity of it. I was astonished when my boyfriend said I should be thankful because at least she cares. I didn’t know what to say to that. “Yes, she cares in an obsessive and unhealthy way that is beyond actual care and concern for one’s welfare?!?!†He honestly thinks her incessant calling all hours of the day is caring. If she doesn’t get ahold of him, she calls both my cell phone and my home phone (neither of which I answer, mind you) to see if I know where he is.
Anyway, I appreciate your comments and allowing me to state my issues here. It’s nice to have the affirmation that I’m not crazy thinking this way of life is odd.
My therapist seems to think that I have time to make my decision. I feel that time is ticking away though. At 29, it’s a hard choice to make.
Thank you!
Jess, I hope all the best for you in making your ultimate decision, and whatever you choose to do, I wish you much joy and happiness. Truly a sad situation you are dealing with. (((Hugs)))
This is such an important area for discussion. As parents of 3 now adult children, my wife and I faced this issue constantly. We discussed our children at length and often and made sure that we were always consistent with one another. We didn’t always agree at first on some issues, but we came to a consensus as soon as possible so as not to confuse the kids. I really like the idea of “tough love”, but the real love has to always be visible too.
HM, it really is an important topic for parents, as well as adult children. Using “tough love” doesn’t require being a dictator or authoritarian, but simply means having clearly defined boundaries that cannot and will not be crossed (at least not without consequences). I’m real big on “tough love”, which is probably quite obvious in many of my posts.
I answered yes to every all 20 questions. I am such an enabler to my 24-year-old daughter, but I do not know how to stop. I feel so frustrated. I wish I had said “no” years ago and I feel like it is too late.
Hi Linda, it is never too late to stop being an enabler, and putting a stop to enabling behaviors will help your daughter in more ways than you may imagine.
You want your daughter to be a responsible adult in every way. If you continue enabling your daughter, what will happen to her when you’re no longer alive to rescue her? She has to learn how to be independent and responsible with money, and every other part of being an adult.
While you don’t mention any specific examples of how you have been enabling your daughter, you can and need to stop now. Now.
It’s not easy watching our grown children make mistakes or make bad choices in life, but we have to allow them to deal with the consequences and feel the “pain” of their own decisions and not shield them from the real world.
It is never too late to stop being an enabler, and you have to make the firm decision within yourself that the things you’ve been doing in an effort to “help” your daughter just aren’t working.
Stop giving money to adult children, and stop right now. “Real need brings real motivation”. Children will not learn to be responsible adults as long as they KNOW they have mom and/or dad as a backup plan. Children will continue spending their money on wants instead of needs, because they know parents will give them money. Why would adult children want to give up such a good deal on their own?
You can stop enabling behaviors, and you need to do it right away.
Thanks for participating in this week’s Carnival of Family Life, hosted at On the Horizon tomorrow, April 14, 2008! Be sure to drop by and check out all of the other excellent entries this week!
Thank you for submitting your post to the Mommy Blog Carnival for April 15th. I’ve included it in the upcoming edition.
Hope to see you drop by and check out the other participants. Again, thank you!
Hi, I am married to a man and his ex wife that continues to enable his grown son. The son moved out to Colorado with a young woman, pregnant at the time, then mommy and daddy gave him money for a down payment. He needs a house. Over the years (7) money , car, etc was always given to him to resue them because he is a carpenter in the mts and couldn’t make ends meet. He was an alcoholic, and says he is in AA. After 2nd child, they broke up, wife doesn’t want kids, and now even more money is handed over to help him live, Lost a regular job due to being sick. Every day a different problem, one day good , one day, depressed, etc. Both mommy and daddy are going into IRA’s to still give money. Just recently $ 1200 for a car because the truck he had consumed too much in gas money!! He said he will pay back money but now he has no job, no mortgage payments and no maoney to pay for insurance for cars. So who do you think the money will come from? His parents again are getting ready to give money, eventhough they are jeopardizing
their retirement future. I think I am the one who needs help!!!!
Hi Ann, your story is one I’ve heard many times, where parents are going into their personal retirement funds in order to “help” their grown children.
More often than not, these same parents find themselves in financial despair when they retire, because all of their funds (or most of it) is now gone and they are financially crippled themselves due to their enabling behaviors with their kids.
Whether the enabling continues because of concern or fear that they will lose contact with grandchildren, or their adult children won’t talk to them anymore because they are angry the money is not being handed out, the enabling is detrimental to the grown kids in many ways and it’s harmful for the parents that don’t “close the bank of mom and dad”.
I highly recommend the book mentioned in this article, “Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children”, and have your husband read the book as well, or perhaps get him his own copy to read.
While it is difficult dealing with this situation with a grown step-child, you do have to think of your own future and retirement as a married couple, so you are right to be concerned how the enabling is harmful for the grown son but also..how it’s harmful to you and your husband and your future retirement stability. I wish you much luck in your efforts to stop the enabling in your family situation.
I am glad I found this site. I am the worlds worst enabler I have just discovered! I find myself angry, and taken advantage of by my 3 adult kids. Partly I blame this on fear for my grandchildren. The other part I don’t have an answer for. I need some serious help in stopping the enabling. It is not a control issue for me. I just want peace, and I want to learn how to let my kids either grow up on their own or just fail all on their own. I think I may do it out of guilt or because of my horrible childhood experiences.They are all bipolar, but that cannot be an excuse for their behaviors all the time.
I’ll try to not confuse anyone. My daughter is the one that manipulates me most. She had a child at age 16. I have custody of this child who is now 9. My daughter took off and was free as a bird while hubby and I paid daycare etc. We still both work full time, then own and manage 8 or 9 rental properties as well. My daughter has a 5 year old with her husban, and a new baby due in about a month or so. He refuses to keep a job for any length of time at all. They are both horribly lazy. We bought a little house about 3 yrs ago for them to live in so grandkids could have a stable home (first duh!)…now I stupidly just bought a very nice car that is only 2 yrs old so son in law could have dependable ride to work (another duh!). Car is in my name, so I will be responsible for payments if they don’t pay. They are all living in my home, but are supposed to pay rent of $400 a month which includes all utilities, phone, cable…and they are to provide their own food. Daughter is on disability for bipolar, but quite frankly I think she could work but cannot get along with people and she is lazy as sin. I end up doing three fourths of laundry, cooking and housework even though I work full time and she is home. The two kids are in fun summer school and are gone from a little after 7 am to 4 pm…and what does she do? Sits on her lazy butt and naps or watches TV. Son in law just quit his job this week because it WAS TOO HARD!!!! Got a different PART TIME job (16 week). How is this going to pay for new baby needs, car payment, food for 5 and car insurance? It won’t…which leaves me in a financial bind of my own doing. The house we bought for them a few yrs ago, they left in a few months and we have been paying payments since. We started working on it and it has not been finished so it can be rented. We ran out of money and time! Son in law does not help my husband because my daughter gets mad if he isn’t stuffed right up her back side constantly. She refuses to let him work 3rd shift as he sleeps too much then! They try to depend on the system all the time. Like medicaid and such. Since he quit his good paying job, they get right back on medicaid! He now has a job making almost $5 an hour less, and 24 hours less! She “guilts” me into buying baby stuff she needs, or clothes and shoes for the grandkids, or stuff she wants. I need serious help to stop enabling. I am here to listen to advice and start changing things in my life. There is so much more to tell, but so little time. Thanks in advance for lending an ear. Jane
Hi Jane. Wow, your situation is a doozy. To be frank with you, if you don’t get the enabling under control as soon as possible, “helping” your grown children the way you have been is very possibly going to land you right in the poor house, bankruptcy perhaps, or at least make it that you’re unable to provide yourself peace and security for yourself in your retirement years.
I don’t know if you had the chance to read my article How to Stop Enabling, so I highly recommend that you read that for sure.
I also think reading
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children would help you a lot in figuring out for sure what has been causing you to be an enabler as well as helpful advice and suggestions of how to stop enabling in order for you to have your needs met, and ensuring your grown children are given the opportunity to stand on their own two feet financially and in every other way.
Ask yourself: Is the help I’ve been trying to give to my children bringing the results hoped for? If I continue to “help” my kids in the ways I have been, how will this affect me personally, financially, emotionally etc in years to come?
One thing I say pretty often is: Need creates motivation. If the needs and wants are being taken care of by you, what would possibly motivate grown kids to take care of themselves when they know they obviously don’t have to? As long as the needs and wants are being catered to by mom and/or dad, there will be a slim-to-none chance of your children’s behaviors and attitude coming to an end. That means YOU as the parent have to be the one to stop the enabling, stop giving money or buying things for these kids, because if they really want or need these things, they will find a way to earn the money to get those things. Including food for themselves. For now though, they know they can count on you to pay for everything and they have no reason to believe they need to work the kind of hours needed or make the kind of money they will need in order to be financially independent.
Read the book Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children, and I’m confident you will see for yourself that you really can stop enabling these kids. Good luck to you!
It’s sad that so many parents today are caught in the trap of doing too much for their adult children. I have friends who have told me they want to be “buddies” with their kids, and are afraid to say “no” to them because their kids won’t like them anymore. Some have said they had parents who expected a lot of them and they won’t do that with their kids. Isn’t this kind of like a rebellious attitude on the part of the parents? Aren’t they acting just as immature as their kids are? What do you all think?
I would like to add that I tried to help my kids by teaching them what they needed to know to survive as adults (esp. single adults). It worked to an extent (except when my ex-husband interferred). I tried to tell him that we should give them boundaries to instill self-confidence so that they would be successful in whatever they pursued in life. His answer was to be a “buddy” to our girls and portray me as the meanie when I tried giving them boundaries with regard to their behavior. He left and they followed (no rules at his house). I was able to guide our son and he has more self-confidence and stability than his sisters have. No one says it’s easy to raise kids and then let go, but we aren’t doing any of us any good if we don’t do it. If we don’t, they are miserable, and we are miserable. I’m afraid this generation of young people is so spoiled that they won’t be able to survive if this recession gets much worse. They don’t know the difference between needs and wants so will have a lot of trouble deciding what’s important and what’s not. That isn’t fair to them. We should have done the right thing and raised them to be independent! Shame on us!
Betty, it’s interesting that you bring up the point about parents being buddies or friends with their children, as opposed to parents being parents to their children.
It’s interesting that you brought that up, because I’ve been thinking that I need to write an article about whether it’s wise or not for parents to be “friends” with their children, or if parents need to understand the role and responsibility that parents have to raise children allows no room for “best bud” relationships. I’ll have to do some work on that, look up some relevant news or study reports etc, and see what I can come up soon. Thanks for the idea Betty!
I have a similiar problem with my husbands parenting in reverse. Long story but he totally spoils all my efforts to raise ANY of my children to be productive, independant adults. Each one was forced to leave “the nest” (that my husband and I no longer share) due to his spoiling and encouraging disrespect, and their taking advantage of our help. I am currently dealing with a 28 year old daughter, pulling a multitude of mind blowing childish stunts to “never grow up” because Daddy is guilty ( of ignoring their emotional needs and doing it all for them and calling me meanie if I didn’t) . She is very mature academically but totally immature socially or in recognizing the need for her to grow up and move out. She has lived with us for ten years as she completed her degree (by working her way through)….while I commend this maturity…….now that she has that degree she is reluctant (and using trumped up medical problems) as an excuse to not take any less than perfect job. We constantly fought about his “parents are your servents” attitudes he insisted our children adopt. His bad parenting mistakes has totally undone all the early teachings I instilled (when he was overworking himself). Since I have asked for his “involvement” in more approriate parenting measures to include dicipline he became “overkill supermom” and expects the same of me. Instead of insisting and encouraging they clean their own rooms, he did it, laundry the same, dicipline? they set the rules, couples time, not allowed. Well after much talking, counseling and other attempts to point out the err of his THINKING or lack thereof, I realized NO WAY did I want him involved in SPOILING, not raising our youngest. So older girls given the boot, (for their own good at 20, 26 and 28 and ) so was hubby. He is now living with the 28 year old. I cannot GET him on board to the untited front, making certain things THEIR responsibility, or the fact our retirement money (which he always chewed me about) is being squandered on spoiling the kids, the older ones, while he ignores the youngest entirely.
This wasn’t obviously my first choice in solving the problem, he gave me no choice.
I think his guilt, and his need to avoid US, me and him and how all this is so wrong and damaging, not to mention his backasswards approach is WHY we don’t live together anymore. IT has created a horrible situation all around for everyone, he needs to be the “liked” parent, has used them to create conflict between us, and now the used is the user (s). Still he will not wake up, not even to realize his marriage is dead, the youngest is fatherless, and our finances going to be ruined by his continued insistance on “status quo”.
Not while I breathe.
Mitsy, problems in marriages and families really pile up when one parent is an enabler and the other is not. One parent is obsessed with the idea that, in order to be a good parent, means being a friend to their child rather than being a parent.
I continue to get emails from parents who say that they feel I am completely wrong in telling parents to stop giving their grown kids money and doing everything for their children, rather than doing what any good parent would do by teaching their kids from an early age how to do things for themselves in order for these kids to be independent and productive members of society.
Yet, in these same emails, they vent about how their “kids” won’t follow the “parent/child contract” that allows these grown kids to live with the parents. They won’t pick up after themselves, they won’t help clean the house or take out the trash etc. Yet they feel I am wrong in saying they are an enabler. Whatever. I have a brand new article called What Parents Owe Their Children that you will enjoy.
It may be possible that our generation was one of the first to live away from extended family and their involvement in the raising of our children. Not to mention the confusion about what our roles are as parents because of a lack of intervention by entended families. I remember when my former mother-in-law lived in town and helped with what we could not see with regard to how we treated each other and how we raised our first daughter. There was also (in another city) an aunt and uncle we visited many times throughout the years we were together with our three children. For example: Mom-in-law lit into my ex about being so hard on me, and aunt and uncle were able to help both of us in a variety of ways. I think parents are trying to have families without the wisdom and help of generations past. They are making mistakes that were unheard of years ago. Not to mention that parents did not have the resources to “spoil” their kids before this (expecially adult kids). I can’t believe the money that is wasted on adult kids now! They don’t have to do anything for themselves! No responsibilities for themselves or their families (if they have families). If they spend foolishly, they are instantly bailed out! Just think! These are the people who will be in charge of government spending very soon! Yikes! THAT’S scary! I don’t think the problem will be solved very soon unless parents are bankrupt and their kids HAVE to make it on their own. Forced responsibility! Maybe there is an upside to the recession, after all. If we are forced to cut back, we may be doing our kids a favor.
Betty, what I hear and read so often is how many parents have the attitude that they want to give their children what they never had. And, that they want “things to be easier for their kids” and not have to struggle to make ends meet etc, so that is why they continue to shell out the money.
Unfortunately, I’ve found many parents say things like “things are so expensive these days” and, “with the way the economy is going, we have to financially help our children”. No where do any of these parents mention that their “kids” can do what every other person can do: Restrict their expenditures to what is absolutely necessary to live, and become more frugal-minded or thrifty even.
Many if not most people are affected by the changes in the economy, and most are finding ways to limit or reduce their bills by eliminating “luxury items” like cell phones, cable television, eating out, going to movies or concerts etc.
It’s called money management, and so many “kids” have never learned how to balance a checkbook, let alone how to manage their money.
I am THE biggest enabler there is and I just had a huge eye opener. I have 2 adult children, 21 and 22 years old, at home, one has a part-time job, no license, no car. The other works online, has a car, for which he still owes us 1800, he is disrespectful, lazy, doesn’t help around the house, becomes enraged when I ask for help, or says he’ll do it only to a. do it 2 days later or b. not at all.
This is my fault, I need to fix this. Is there an online community/support group???
I resent both of them for this, even though I am to blame, but they also do make a choice to stay at home and do nothing because I made it possible for them.
Enough of that!!!!
Hi Dee, I’m glad these articles have helped open your eyes. I’ve been meaning to do some research to find any online support groups for enablers, so I will work on that this week and will write an article listing the groups I’ve found. I do recall finding one online group recently, but I can’t recall what or where it is. I’ll work on finding support groups over the next couple of days, so you may want to subscribe (for free of course) to further articles so you’ll know right away. Simply click on the big green button at the top of this site, and you will have the option of subscribing by email or by rss feed, whichever you choose.
My children are grown as a parent what is wrong with helping them clean their house when it has gotten out of control or lending them money when times are hard. Why can’t grown children vacation with their parents. All three live on their own and are doing ok but they still run into trouble and so we as parents help out nothing more. Is that so bad? Why does being concerned parents have to have a bad name attached to it like Enabler??
Hi Connie, “enabler” is the correct term for parents described in this article and the others like it discussing what is commonly referred to as “helping vs. enabling”.
You ask, “What is wrong with helping them clean their house when it has gotten out of control”. Who decides when the house is “out of control”? You, or them?
Grown children certainly have the knowledge and ability to clean their own house, according to their own standards of cleanliness, not that of parents. One question I get asked very often is, Who is controlling who? The grown children controlling their own lives, choices and decisions, or are parents trying (or succeeding) to control the grown children’s lives, decisions, choices etc?
What may be perceived as “help” by the parent, are more often veiled attempts to continue in the same parenting role and control as when the children were much younger, with parents not understanding the importance and need to “let go” of their grown children and allow the kids to live their own lives how they see fit, not how parents see fit.
As far as “lending them money when times are hard”, grown children must be and need to be responsible with their own money, living within their means, budgeting their money, not spending their own money frivolously and then expect or receive regular handouts of money from mom and/or dad.
Grown children need to learn to say “no” to themselves and their numerous, bottomless pit list of “wants”, learn to save their money and pay their own bills and on time, and be held accountable for making bad money choices which is most often the reason for wanting/asking/needing money from mom and/or dad.
As parents have commented on many of these related articles about helping or enabling, many parents have found themselves in a serious financial bind themselves, some even going so far as to use their entire life’s savings to “help” their grown children get out of debt, pay their children’s bills, buy their kids a car, pay for their kids car insurance, etc…., and find they are now in a desperate financial situation themselves without the needed money to properly care for themselves during their elderly/retirement years. So yes, it’s really that bad. Being a concerned parent is one thing, and being concerned about our children never goes away nor does it ever stop, but enabling grown children is entirely another matter.
I think there is a difference between lending them a hand in an emergency and the kids knowing that mom and dad will be there to bail them out every time the kids ask for a bail out.
People do make mistakes, but even our own grown children need to pay for their mistakes and that there are consequences for each of their decisions be it good or bad decisions.
I was married to the child of two enablers. My ex-husband never learned to deal with money because when he was out he went to mom and dad for a “bail out” and they always obliged more or less happy.
This caused huge issues in our marriage, he made decent money, I made decent money and yet we were always broke because he spent OUR money, nothing big, bits and pieces here and there on a daily basis which depleted our account so much that there was never enough to put anything into the savings account. I felt the need to have my own account because I no longer felt safe in our marriage financially, especially with two young children and the marriage eventually fell apart.
That happened because his parents never prepared them for life and held him responsible for his financial issues and in so many other ways I am harming my children the same way.
I made a first start yesterday, I wrote a letter to both of my adult children and told them of my expectations, at this point I am so angry with them and myself that I can’t simply just discuss things. Besides, every time we discuss things they shut down, stare at me and don’t answer when I ask a question, eventually I get furious with them and it all ends on a bad note.
My oldest son actually came out and asked to talk, haven’t heard from my daughter yet.
Sorry to be venting here, been doing lots of soul searching the last few days and changes will have to be made, writing them each a letter stating my terms was a good start. We’ll see what happens in the future
Have a happy weekend
Dee
I forgot to mention the article How to be a Good Mother-In-Law which deals with the issues of how grown children do or don’t keep a clean house, amongst other things.
Also, the article what it means to “let go” has some good information as well.
Hi Betty! Helping kids in a real emergency situation is certainly understandable and loving. Of course, what kids might consider to be an emergency is often quite different than what a parent would think of as an emergency.
It reminds me of a famous saying, “Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part”, and it certainly applies here with the poor money choices grown, adult children often make and then start calling mom or dad asking for money to pay their electric bill or car insurance or grocery money because they’ve spent their own money on wants rather than needs.
I find myself in the enabling position when my adult kids come home to visit (which isn’t very often) because I love the Mom role and was always active in my kids lives and school (until my oldest one turned 14 and became rebellious). My two younger ones, both in college and graduate school live away, do their own laundry, pay their own bills, etc. The older one who is almost 24 with an almost 3 yr. old daughter manipulated her way to leave home at 14 to go live with my sisters who didn’t have kids, convincing them I was a terrible mother because I made her (and the boys) do chores, be obedient and respectful. Every night I cooked dinner and we sat down at the table, said a prayer and spent time as a family. Long story short, she found my sisters initially, then my Mom to enable her starting at age 14 and now that my sisters and Mom are hip to her game, they have stopped enabling and now she wants nothing to do with any of us because we’ve all “stabbed her in the back”. She has also used my grandaughter as a pawn since she was born, trying to keep her from us. Most recently due to bad behavior decisions by her and her current boyfriend in front of our grandaughter which involved a lot of drama and some level of violence, our grandaughters father got emergency temporary custody, at my sisters hands, because she turned e-mails over to our grandaughters father from our daughter stating she was being abused by her boyfriend and the police had been there several times. What a ridiculous drama and mess this has been, but I haven’t backed down. It seems all she thinks I’m good for is if I would open my pocketbook (which I won’t). She is a smart girl, but is hell bent on doing everything exactly opposite from me out of spite. I don’t know where the whole thing is leading, but I am steadfast in my faith in God that He will bring our family and her through this better and stronger than ever before. I have offered for her to stay here to have a safe haven from her boyfriend she isn’t with at the moment until she gets on her feet. She hasn’t lived here in 9 years and I doubt she’d take me up on it. She needs lots of help, but won’t accept it from me or anyone else. She’s too full of rage. I still think not enabling was the best thing for this strong-willed grown child. Just wanted to post my thoughts. P.S. My older son is in law school and my younger one studying Engineering or Accounting, so I don’t think my husband and I have been that bad of parents. My belief is that she’ll figure it out.
Rebecca, I love to receive messages such as yours that exemplify parents who do not enable their children, despite the numerous difficulties that these kids often bring upon the parents.
It appears that your daughter has chosen a hard road to follow, while your other children are leading independent, self-sufficient lives and that is wonderful. Your daughter may one day come to realize the error of her ways and turn things around on her own, and that is my hope and I’m sure yours as well.
Stay strong and firm in your resolve to be the good mother you are and not allow her to twist you into knots, or make you out to be the “bad guy” because of her choices. Strong-willed children are a real handful, but you’ve done a great job of doing everything you possibly could to be a good parent and help her without enabling her. Good for you and God Bless!
Thank you for the support, Lin. It means more then you know. Out of the blue, and after having been deleted from my daughter’s myspace account (and life), I got an e-mail that she posted a blog (obviously to spew something my direction). I politely replied that I thought she had mistakenly e-mailed me her request to read her blog, because her profile was set to private and reiterated my offer to let me know if there was something we could do to assist her with getting back on her feet. (and I cited examples, such as we have an extra dining table, bed, etc. or to help her get her things from where she was living with her boyfriend five states away). I have concluded that aside from being very strong-willed she also has addictions to two things: Money and drama. I am not going to say I have done nothing to help her the past nine years (though she’d tell you otherwise), but what I have done has been my decision and I have not allowed her to guilt me into anything because I’ve been a “bad mother”. What I’m praying is that now that my family, my husband and myself are all on the same page and now that my grandaughter’s father has custody which means he will not keep her from us or use her as a pawn, that she’ll “get with the program”, meaning she’ll determine that what she’s been doing isn’t working. The other day I met her at a coffee shop, just after she lost temporary custody of our grandaughter. Needless to say because she really is an amazing mother and our little Samantha is her world, she was pretty devistated and shell shocked that the judge made the decision she did. I noticed that rather then taking responsibility for the state her life was in she was playing the victim to the hilt, blaming everyone but herself for the point her life has come to, not to mention she at her boyfriends insistence had adopted the “your either with us or against us mentality”which fed this victim mentality. I finally said to her, you know this “your either with us or against us” idea didn’t work for America, it didn’t work for President Bush, it hasn’t worked for you and it hasn’t worked for your boyfriend either, because it’s evidenced in how unhappy you are, when are you going to start being the Victor and stop being the victim? I didn’t yell at her once, but I spoke very firm and very clear. At that, she stood up and said “I’m done, I’m out of here.” My reply was “fine, I tried”. Then I went about my day. I am not going to let her steal one more day of my joy. I deserve to be happy and though my love for her will never waiver, I know she can do better then what some of her decisions have been thus far. What a great place to blog. Thank you.
Rebecca, I like you. You and I could be best friends.
Tough but loving, willing to help but firm in the requirement to be responsible and independent adults. Yeah!
I know you will thoroughly enjoy my latest tongue-in-cheek “mean moms” humor post. I’m sure you will see the reverse psychology of how I describe Mean Moms who really aren’t mean at all, but mothers who work to ensure their children are raised properly. Let me know what you think. Us “bad mothers” or also called “mean moms” gotta stick together!
I have been on your site of closing the bank, but I really identify with this one. I just ordered the book Setting Boundaries. I am going to stick with this no matter what! It’s so hard to change my own behavior, but slowly I am starting to see things coming and being able to respond out of using my brain instead of my feelings. I was so proud of myself yesterday for not enabling my daughter for $$. I said “if you had a job you’d have your own money AND your own independence! so don’t ask me unless you plan on telling me what it’s for and that gives me the right to make your decisions”. I have already made up my mind, but getting them to see I mean it is taking a lot longer. She popped off that she is an adult (22) and I don’t have the right to make her decisions anymore. I said, You are exactly right, you are an adult and don’t have the right to expect my $ anymore. Just 2 weeks ago that would have been a huge fight with cussing and tears. So somethings working. I have had to take a hard look at myself too. Do I enable them so much because if I wasn’t I just might have to have a life of my own? I think so. Taking care of everybody else is a good way of not having to face your own music. I had no friends and was more friend than parent and that hurt my kids. I hope it’s not too late to turn it around.
Hi Suzanne, I remember you from “closing the bank of mom and dad”. I’m glad to hear that you’ve been taking active steps towards not enabling any more. There is great information in that Setting Boundaries book that I know you will be helped by reading it.
Your question, “do I enable them so much because if I wasn’t, I just might have to have a life of my own?” rings true for many parents, both mothers and fathers can relate to that sentiment.
As parents, we’re so involved with raising our “kids” and being a family etc, that many parents don’t really think about the “letting go” part of parenting. Letting go in such a way that allows children to learn how to do things for themselves, from the time they’re young, all the way into adulthood.
You can bet that the more time you spend on living your own life, enjoying hobbies (or developing hobbies), traveling, visiting with friends etc.., you’ll be less apt to enable your children.
I am a 27 yr old mother of two, and was raised by a mother who was very enabling, and still is. I have learned a lot, living on my own, but still find it difficult not to give in to those learned, unheathly, enabling behaviors with my own children. I would like to find a support group to help me stay on track and NOT ENABLE.
Hi Marie, it’s great that you want help and support so you don’t become an enabler. I wrote a brief post about a support group you can join for free that you should check out. Even though the post refers to parents with grown children, the same support group has members with young children all the way through the teen years, and you can all encourage and support each other. Here’s the Link: Support Group for Enablers (or possible enablers).
I think that I answered yes to almost everyone of these questions. I spend most days worrying myself sick about my children. I have a 20 and 15 year old son, of which I totally have enabled. My 20 yr old is on his own, and I help him out financially, emotionally. I am always worried that hes sad or not able to make decisions on his own. My 15 year old is dyslexic and has a heart problem. I worry myself sick about him. I don’t feel like he will ever get thru school if I don’t help him or take care of everything. I drive him crazy and myself crazy with worry. I have got to learn how to let them stand on their own two feet. I have a 3 yr old daughter and I don’t want to do the same with her.
Hi Kay, and welcome to the site. Lots of parents are struggling with the same issues you are. Recognizing that you are an enabler is the first step towards change. You can’t control how your son or other kids feel, whether they’re sad or anything else. You have to learn how to “let go” as they get older and learn how to stand on their own two feet; that includes allowing them to deal with their own choices/decisions/consequences etc., whether or not you agree with the choices.
Teach your daughter and your 15 year old what they need to know to be able to stand on their own two feet as they get older, so when the time comes that they’re full grown adults, they’ll know HOW to be an adult living on their own and taking care of themselves. There will come a day when you won’t be around to hover over them and do for them and take care of everything for your kids – that’s why parents have to focus on teaching……………………..and training…………………..children all the things they need to know to become adults and act like adults and take care of themselves.
Give your sons the space they need to handle things they should and need to be dealing with on their own at their age. They will make mistakes in decisions and choices; they need the space to figure out how to deal with those mistakes and learn from them, rather than mom running to the rescue and “saving” them each time. Teach and train your daughter everything she needs to learn to become an adult woman, a woman completely capable of standing on her own two feet when the time comes.
Hello again, I just wanted to encourage Kay to get a plan of action and stick with it! Now that you have identified some of your enabling tendencies, be on the lookout for the kids to push those buttons, because they know which ones to push. I have been working on this for over a year now and everyday I find something that I was doing to “help” mine. I used to blame them and wonder what was wrong with them. Now I know. Mostly, it was me. I taught them to be dependent on me and in the process deprived them of learning and being responsible for themselves. You are on the right track, don’t give up.
Hi all!
Haven’t written for a long time. Didn’t think I needed to worry anymore regarding my husband and his ex-wife and their enablilng their sons. Thought our days of dependent adult children were over after my younger step-son finally graduated in January from college after 9-1/2 very long years (3-4 years in community college and 5-6 years as a junior and senior at a 4 year college). My husband has been supporting his son all this time and now he tells me he will continue to support him because there are no jobs. His son didn’t even get serious about school until last year when he thought his gravy train was leaving the station. Now I don’t know what to do! Like many people today, we don’t have the means to continue in this way. Not only will my husband continue supporting his younger son (38), but he said he may start helping his older son (46) who also doesn’t work, to start a business with a friend. BOTH sons will now be living with their mother without working. I hope she wises up and makes them get out and look for work. She usually just lets them live with her for a long time and also makes excuses for them. I have said for a long time that parents must not enable their kids! It is a big mistake and hurts everyone. I don’t see any good coming out of this. How long can parents continue to do everything for their kids in this kind of economy? None of us will have money forever to support these lazy kids who COULD have been working in good jobs for a long time now! Nothing is guaranteed, but at least we have to try to prepare our kids to be on their own. Don’t let your kids do this to you. You aren’t helping them and it’ll make you crazy!
Hi Betty,
The enabling just doesn’t quit over there does it? Your husband says he’s going to continue enabling a full grown 46 year old son and 38 year old son “because there are no jobs”. Really? There’s “no jobs” anywhere, doing anything? Of course there are jobs. Sure the economy sucks right now, and jobs are tough to find, but there ARE jobs those two sons can work at and make their own money. Maybe they’d both have to work TWO jobs to pay their bills on their own. waaaah………..boo hoo, snif snif, cry me a river. LOL
The enabling is ridiculous and your husband just doesn’t “get it”, and it’s very sad. He’s unwittingly crippling his own two sons by doing what he’s doing. What will these two “boys” possibly do to get by in life when dear ol dad isn’t around to carry them throughout their lives anymore?
It’s odd how your husband seems to feel that you DO have the means to continue the enabling, but you don’t feel the money is there. Does your husband just not realize the enormity of the financial problems he’s bringing on the two of you by continuing the enabling? It would be crazy for your husband to “help” his grown son to start a business, with money that YOU BOTH have a large say in. Or don’t you? That’s usually what I hear from women by email – they’re husband’s control all the money and they’re clueless of how much money there is or isn’t, until they’re deeply in debt and their house is up for foreclosure and they’re filing for bankruptcy. As senior citizens no less. It boggles my mind to no end. What are you going to do?
Hi Betty,
I have thought about you often and hoped the situation had gotten better. Through counseling, I have learned my kids are not lazy, and neither are your husband’s sons. His kids expect money because that’s what he taught them. As long as he continues to get into his pocket they will continue to accept. My kids and I are all in counseling trying to undo the mess I made thinking I was “helping” them. It is going to take very drastic action on your part to change your situation. I don’t think your husband will ever see the error of his ways. The only thing you can change is you. Go to counseling and if he won’t go with you, go by yourself. You don’t have to be second to his children, especially 2 grown men.
Dear Lin,
You are right on, as usual. I suggested two jobs to make ends meet, but these two want to work in their chosen fields. Unfortunately, that isn’t very realistic right now. There certainly are jobs out there. People just have to be willing to do anything it takes to make it. I remember in 1972 when there were aerospace engineers driving cabs because of a downturn in the business and they made it. Maybe if these guys had families they would be more serious. Don’t know. I know the younger son is VERY discouraged right now. He may have thought he could find a job right away. If he had graduated when he said he was going to (2005), he would have had a good job now. There was one waiting for him, but he didn’t graduate in time to take the job. The same thing happened a year ago. It’s too bad he waited so long to get serious about school.
Not everyone should go to college, but most people can at least go to a trade school! There isn’t anything wrong with having a trade. I have a great deal of respect for people who do that. They usually work hard and generally do well.
Hi Suzanne,
Thanks for the good advice. I have thought very seriously about the two of us going to counseling. I know my husband will go with me. I also know he wishes he had been more specific about his expectations when his sons were growing up (before the divorce). He really thought they would go to school like he and his ex-wife did. My hindsight is wonderful, and I didn’t even have to go through what they did! Sometimes it’s difficult to see what we SHOULD be doing at the time. We have talked about this many times. I am quite simply a more positive person so saw my divorce (ex-husband’s choice) as a new beginning even though it was a very difficult divorce. My kids suffered a lot, and it still shows sometimes, but they do their best. That’s all any of us can do. My brothers and I did it after our parents’ divorce. Life sucks sometimes. My husband’s sons don’t seem to be able to move on. Maybe that’s what’s holding them back. Their negativity and self-pity. All need counseling. Wish me luck.
Hi Betty,
I do wish you the best of luck and say prayers for you too. I am so happy to hear your husband will go to therapy with you. I learned when I first started going that I had put it off because it was an admission on my part that I had done something wrong in my parenting and it was a form of denial in keeping on blaming my kids. That took the blame off me. Once I was able to say I had been the biggest part of the problem, things got better.
I’m sure the guys do want to work in their field, but so do 2.5 million other people. Tell those freeloaders to get a life and flip burgers if they have to and get off their father’s back!
Thanks, Suzanne! Glad to see you’re doing so well. I just hope that hearing from an objective person will help my husband to see that he isn’t really helping his kids by doing so much for them. It may be a matter of keeping them needing him. It may be that he’s trying to get them to like him and not blame him for their mother leaving like they did for many years. They were rough on him. Just another way to keep from maturing. The blame game. That’s just my theory.
Hi Betty,
I think you hit the nail on the head! He feels guilty for their mom’s actions and they are using guilt as manipulation. That is exactly what was going on with me. Now, I’ve learned to tell mine that their father (mom in your boy’s case) was in control of his relationship with them all along. No matter how they resent me for him leaving, he left the 3 of us. Not just me. He could have seen them anytime he wanted to. I gave them everything known to man to try and mend their broken hearts and make-up for the dirty deal he dealt them. As long as I had to do that, they couldn’t live without me. Boy did that one ever bite me in the you know where. And it crippled my kids. It robbed them of self-esteem, the pride in accomplishing doing right and taking care of themselves. Their right of passage to adults. I don’t want them to be in their 40′s still needing me to pay for necessities such as food or clothes! It’s going to be a tough road ahead when your husband admits the damage he’s done. My son is 24 and in prison, and my daughter is 22 and one step away. They are young enough to turn their lives around, but I’m there for moral support only. And it’s the toughest thing I’ve ever done. I met with my son’s probation officer and even SHE expected me to pay his fines for him so he could get out of jail! When I explained to her the counseling I’m we’re in, she was the first one to throw it in my face that I’d done it before and now he doesn’t know howcome I won’t pay the bill. I taught him this is the way it goes. I was ashamed of myself and was crying and asked to tell him I’m sorry, but it’s over and walked out. I went down the street to an empty parking lot and cried until I could drive home and then really let go. My counselor tells me I’m doing what’s best for him, not what’s easiest for me. I take it a day, a crisis, a fit, at a time. But I keep telling myself when they were little I made them pick up their toys, make their beds, come in before dark, couldn’t play with certain kids ect. and I didn’t care if they liked it or not. Now it’s the same thing. I’m the parent with the checkbook and the answer is “no”. I hope you share this with your husband. It’s heartwrenching for me. Other people act like it should be a piece of cake. One thing that’s interesting, there’s a 72 year old woman whose appt is right behind mine. I sat down to tie my shoe and she told me she wished she was young (52) like me so she wouldn’t be where she is now. She’s got a son 54 years old who stole her ss check for drugs. Never had a job in his life. So we all make mistakes. Keep in touch and don’t quit.
Wow Suzanne! Even your son’s probation officer put the guilt trip stuff on you??? Ouch! I don’t remember if I’ve ever mentioned this to you before, but I also have a son that’s in prison and I’ve had zero contact with him for the last 4-5 years. Verrry long story and it doesn’t really apply here. But I can soooo relate to your anguish and hurt about that. I can also relate to the difficulties in the relationships with the father. My eldest son (29), who just got in town here Friday night, has in effect “divorced” his father and is in process of moving here from Chicago. I helped him find an apartment that he can afford on his own, and helped him do a comparison of electric companies for him to choose from, but the damage to the relationship between the two of them is very very obvious and will take a very long time for my son to recover from (if ever).
Hang in there girl, you’re doing what you have to do.
Hi Lin,
yes, you told me your son was in prison and I’m so sorry for what has happened. It happens to the whole family. I see and talk to my son every week and send him some $ for commissary, but I want to do that. He doesn’t ask. I hate to think of the damage your son that just came home has gone through. How do we as mom’s know what to do? My son is in jail because his dad’s girlfriend said he robbed her of $32k and he had only seen them a few times. Every time I visit him he cries like a little boy and says “How could he do this to me”? He swears he’s innocent and I believe him. The girlfriend dipped off and has a new cadillac, but either way I think the damage done to my son will last the rest of his life. And now I’m saying no on top of it all. Thanks so much for sharing and taking the time to respond, you and this site and closing the bank of mom and dad is what got me started on the road to recovery. Words cannot express. I have lost the only 2 friends I had over cutting off the money to my kids. But I pray and each day I re-commit to really doing what’s best for them.
Dear Lin and Suzanne,
Thanks for all your help. I just feel so badly for you and everyone else who has to go through so much pain as a parent. I just can’t believe that a so-called professional like a probation officer took sides like that! That person must have some problems of her own to act like that. You would think she knew better! I have only talked with my daughter’s public defender and she is great. I hope that when my daughter is ready for a probation officer, that person has a good head.
It is so difficult to be a parent today. It seems like society isn’t with us, and certainly our ex-spouses are not usually a help. They can be part of the problem. Men like they are who put themselves before their children are so selfish and self-centered! Unfortunately, they often choose new partners who are like they are. I saw that happen with my own father and my ex-husband. They married materialistic, selfish, vindictive women.
It also makes it difficult without having family near and having fair weather friends. We all need support in times of need. Makes it more bearable.
Best to both of you. I’ll keep you posted on what is going on with us.
Hi Betty,
You have sure endured your share of pain. You are so right about the ex’s picking new partners like themselves. Each one he’s had is worse than the last. I just wonder when they will get their’s.
Yes, the po shocked me when she asked for money. She was right, I have taught him to expect it but I told her it will never change unless I stop the money train. I’ll be on the street with him if I don’t.
As far as the friends, I’m more hurt than anything because I stood by them when I didn’t agree with them, but I was still their friend and there for support and to listen. So now I pay a counselor and get unbiased advice that is working. But it’s the best money I’ve spent. Many days I feel so alone but I know God is always with me.