Ladies: Why You Need to Know How to Hide Money From Your Husband
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you may be thinking I must have lost my mind to suggest that women should hide money from their husbands. Give me a few minutes to explain my reasoning on wives hiding money from their husbands, and I’m sure you’ll understand and agree with my reasons for doing this post.
For happy and healthy marriages, free of any kind of emotional, mental or physical abuse, I certainly do not advocate hiding money from your husband. But, based on the kind of web traffic this blog receives from women in abusive relationships and marriages, abused women want and need to know how to hide money from an abusive husband, and I am just the person to tell them exactly how to do it so they can get a divorce from these jerks.
Listed here are the various articles I’ve written that are getting a lot of attention from women doing keyword searches on topics relating to being in abusive relationships or marriage, and based on the feedback and emails I receive on a regular basis, I believe these women have a right to know how to hide money from abusive husbands.
I have now written, “How to Hide Money from an Abusive Husband”, and it is my sincere hope and wish that women suffering emotional, physical and mental abuse will take active steps to leave their abusive relationship, saving themselves as well as their children from further abuse.
Can abusive men be cured? No! So get out now while you still can, before he inflicts more bodily harm to you and/or your children! Children that are raised in abusive homes are more likely to grow up to become abusers themselves (or end up in abusive relationships themselves as adults), so protect yourself and your children from these behaviors before it is too late.
Your additional comments and suggestions on how abused women can hide money from their abusive husbands are welcome, and you can do so by leaving a comment below.
Similar Posts:
- How To Deal With Teenage Abusive Relationships
- Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men
- RELIGION & ABUSE IN MARRIAGE
- 16 Traits Of An Abusive Relationship
- Oprah Warns Rihanna: Oprah Warns Rihanna, Love Doesn’t Hurt
This is so great! I’m happily married now, but I used to be in an abusive relationship and how I wish I had money saved when I left him. I ended up selling half of everything I owned to pay my bills. I’m glad I made it out safely, but it would’ve been a lot easier with money.
Yeah me too! My first marriage was abusive, so I learned some nice little tricks that helped me get out safely.
As a male I do hope I am allowed to add my feelings on the topic.
Many years ago I had a friend living in my neighbourhood. This lady was unfortunately on the receiving end of an extremely abusive marriage.
When I found out about the situation I wanted to know why she did not leave and take her children to her Mom who stayed in another part of the country at the time. I even offered to pay for the trip. This she refused but she did say that she would start saving to be able to get out of there. I think she was playing for time and hoping that the situation would improve in the meantime.
Every week this lady would bring me just a bit of money which she had managed to save from her weekly household money. I kept record of the amounts and paid the money into my bank.
It took my friend 13 months to save the amount she needed but eventually she could get herself and the children away from the monster. Interesting enough, the situation never once improved during that period.
Ladies, if you have the misfortune to find yourself in such an abusive position, do whatever it takes, just get the heck out of there.
As was stated in this article, abusive men will never be cured.
[...] at TellinItLikeItIs left a great response to my post asking for advice. She followed that up with a post today on why you need to know how to hide money from your husband. It includes links to other posts she’s done on getting out of an abusive [...]
Arnold, thank you so much for added your comment. Comments from men are certainly welcome on the topic. I apologize for the delay in my response to your comment (family emergency).
Any woman that are in an abusive relationship and sees this post or the others that I link to in this article, please realize the situation will never improve. It never does, but it always gets worse. I know. I repeat…., I know.
maybe you were just emphatically making a point to help your readers, but I would question your statement, “can abusive men be cured. No!”
maybe some can, BUT not by the women in the short end of the relationship. the woman should leave and not try to fix him, but that doesn’t mean there is never any hope of some of these men changing their lives.
if bad people can’t change, we are all in trouble, because we all have bad habits.
just two cents.
just found your blog and enjoy it so far
Hi Brian, thanks for stopping by and giving us your viewpoint, but I must respectfully disagree.
true, abusive men cannot easily change. i also believe that if you’re in an abusive relationship it is wrong to stay because you wait for the person to change. LEAVE ASAP.
Thank you Wendy! Leaving an abusive relationship as soon as possible is critical for women, as the longer they stay in the relationship or marriage things only get worse.
It saddens me to realize that so many men are abusive to their wives. I absolutely don’t understand what causes them to act that way, but I believe that you’re right that they can’t be cured.
Hi HM,
Many people do not realize just how common it is in our society for men to abuse women, wives and even girlfriends.
There has been an increasing number of teenage girls that are being abused by their boyfriends, and based on the keyword searches I analyze, these girls are finding these same posts. Sad but true.
Can a woman be in an emotionally abusive relationship and not even know it? I mean, lately those words came out of my mouth…but my WHOLE RELATIONSHIP I just thought that we argued…that’s what we did from the start…I thought we were “passionate”. Dumb, right? BUT…I thought I was standing up for myself and making a difference. Lately, though…his anger has gotten worse and worse over the years to where he gets sooo mad at something you wouldn’t think he should get THAT mad about. Everytime we fight…and THIS has pretty much been alot of the relationship…he turns everything around on ME. I mean I KNOW I’m not PERFECT but I KNOW I’m not responsible for EVERY fight!!! He says I put words into his mouth, and he says I get confused when we’re fighting and THAT makes him madder. But what I DON’T get is that he HAS such a good heart!! I think he might need something like an anti-depressant. Don’t you think these men might just need some type of medication PLUS therapy to help. If someone needs medication AND therapy but they are ONLY getting therapy…they never WILL get all the way better!!! I know…I have depression and I have gotten off of my medication before because I didn’t think I needed it. It took a couple of months but I was back to being “slightly ” depressed but I was more ‘irritable’ than anything. AND I blamed my husband for upsetting me and pissing me off. (Same man) He couldn’t do ANYTHING right!!! So I’m wondering if these men just aren’t getting the proper treatment. Men, when you read about male depression, are so under treated…and alot of their symptoms do come out as “anger” RATHER THAN depression…because they don’t necessarily know HOW to “express” depression but they ARE more familiar with ANGER!
Sorry my reply is so long…I just had alot to say, I guess. Thanks for the article and all the replies. They’re great!
Confused,
Thank you for posting this comment/question. Yes, some women can be in an emotionally abusive relationship and not even know it.
Some abusive men twist words around and blame everything on the women, mentally manipulating her into believing she is the cause of the problems in the relationship, causing her to question her own sanity.
Anti-depressant medications are very likely to laughed off and dismissed by men who abuse women, because they don’t believe the problems are their fault. They just will not accept responsibility for their own behavior, and they feel the need to be in control to the point where they would not take medications even if it were recommended by a doctor.
I invite you to carefully read the other articles written, that are linked to in this post, and carefully consider whether this is or is not the kind of situation you have in your home. I pray it is not. Your thoughts and comments are of course welcome on those articles as well.
thank you for what you said. It is affirming. I am not crazy. I am in a support group for women in situations like mine. I was married for over 16 years. Met my husband in Bible college. We have 4 children together. My oldest one has gone to live with her dad. I am afraid I married a monster. A narcissist he has convinced his family, our church, our daughter… that it is all my fault that he had “relationships” outside of our marriage… When I found out about the “realtionships” due to my husband coming down with an incurable disease, I still tried to make it work. For 16 months. I scheduled the counseling. Encouraged him to get help for his sex addiction. During this time he continued to make it all about me. All my fault. Did I mention he insisted on handling all our finances? We made over $100k annually, but there was never enough money to pay our mortgage or the bills… Now that I have filed for divorce he has become a monster. I don’t know how long I can stand up to his mind games & constant trying to turn our children against me. No one would have ever guessed this of him- myself included.
Cindy, I can relate to some of what you’ve been through. Especially in regards to how many abusers are able to appear so kind, loving, considerate, gentle, giving and several other words I could use to describe the way abusive men create a false picture of who they really are to the public.
No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and when it comes down to abusive husbands or boyfriends, these guys are masters at their own game.
Cindy, you are not crazy. It is all very real. I hope you have a very good lawyer for your divorce, who is experienced in dealing with abusive relationships or marriages and can see through the persona presented to see the reality of who he really is.
Women should never, ever stand by and say or do nothing whenever a husband/boyfriend insists on handling all the finances and the wife/girlfriend is left clueless. That’s a HUGE Red Flag!
Cindy, protect yourself and keep your eyes and ears wide open to all the divisive tactics that he will likely dump on you directly, or through your kids. Getting a divorce from an abuser almost always includes making the children a pawn in their sick game of “chess”. Unfortunately the children are hurt most by what goes on, so be strong for yourself and for your children. Trust me Cindy, I know the games these guys play and how it effects the kids. The only thing that matters to these guys is that they “win” their game of convincing everyone and anyone that they’re the victim in all this, rather than their wife and children. Hang in there Cindy.
Bravo on another great topic.. I don’t want to go into detail, but there are ways of hiding money here and there. It takes time. But it was the light at the end of my tunnell and thankfully those years are far behind me.
Hi Kim! There are lots of ways of hiding money, and once women get some creative ideas flowing, they’ll be amazed at how easy it is to hide money from an abusive husband.
I totally agree i feel women should always have a back up plan. I also think men should do the same.
And men need to stop abusing their women, women should run from these type of relationships.
vladi, I apologize for the delay in approving your comment. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.
Thankfully I’m not in an abusive relationship. But I do have my own money and I do save it for a rainy day. He knows I have it and never asks for it. But I know I have it if I ever need it.
Great post for those who aren’t as fortunate as some of us.
I really appreciate your post. Your ideas are amazing and though I come from a very loving marriage, I know a few people (lose to me) who have lived their life with their abusers – being verbally, emotionally and physically abused and it is so painful to see them and imagine what it must be like to be with someone who abused you while giving the altruistic reason that he cares for you and thats why you need to be punished sometimes for what you just did. …
I may not be able to do anything much for these people especially since they are Indian and to them, their pride is something that matters more than their pain. though, if I get a chance to help, I would always lend help to a woman who needed it.
This is a great blog, keep up the good work. I’m sure there are lots of women who need this advice, unfortunately.
Actually, I used to be in an abusive marriage. Now I’m happily married!! It’s awesome. But, it’s like this. If you’re in an abusive thing, HIDE THE MONEY!!! If not, enjoy the guy and you can both save together. Thank you for this post. It was needed.
This is really interesting. Today I’ve discovered that my wife has been keeping up to £1000 in her own account while I’ve had to transfer the last of (what I thought were) ‘our’ savings into my main account to pay off our credit card (she is a card-holder). I was really angry that she lied to me about this account (she said there was “about £30 in it”), but she can’t see what my problem is (even though she lied repeatedly about this account when I asked because of our current difficult financial situation). Background: my wife knows all of my financial details as she ‘balances the books’ and I let her open my post (unlike her last partner). Currently, I’m paying just short of 50% of my earnings in deductions for DWP/CSA payments (children by previous marriage) and to the Tax Office (an admin foul-up meant they applied the wrong code not allowing for my company car for over four years). Because of this financial squeeze we’re in, I thought it wrong that all our money was not being ‘pooled’, but she doesn’t agree. Does this mean I’m in an abusive/toxic relationship?
Evan, only you know your situation in your marriage, and I am certainly in no position to tell you whether your relationship is abusive or toxic. As I said in my post, for healthy and happy relationships, hiding money from a husband or wife is not something I advocate or agree with.
This post was written specifically for women in abusive relationships wanting to know how they can save money in order to get away from their abusers. Abused women tend to not have free access to any monies, so having ways for abused women to seek a divorce by hiding money is what this post is all about.
It does appear that there is some problems with communication in your marriage, but the root of the problem and how exactly to fix the problem, I couldn’t say since I’m not a psychologist or marriage counselor.
I can certainly understand the concerns about the financial situation you say you’re both in now, so I would think that some honest and sincere communication needs to take place in order to find a reasonable balance, so you both are on the “same page” financially speaking. If money has been an ongoing problem in your marriage, I would suggest seeking out a marriage counselor, since they are licensed in these sort of problems. Good luck!
Patricia Evans books have helped me realize that I am NOT CRAZY and that my husband IS ABUSIVE. It took 17 years to see it, and I have a very high IQ. Women get taken in and abused in part because we think we’re dealing with someone like ourselves. This is not true. His “sickness” is not one that can be cured by ME, because to him, I am nothing. Read P. Evans books and get your eyes, brain, and heart aware of the craziness going on in your home. It’s hard, but necessary. Thank you for the article
Hi Kellie, there are quite a large number of great books on the market that deal with abusive relationships. I’m not (yet) personally aware of Patricia Evans books, but I will certainly look into them and other books that focus on abusive relationships to bring attention to those for women in need of help.
I did not read all the comments prior to writing here the last time but something did come up in a couple of them.
If you find yourself in an abusive relationship or marriage, yes! HIDE GETAWAY MONEY. Do NOT feel guilty about taking it away from the household. Do NOT believe that you can change the guy or woman. You cannot.
I say this from my own experience (twice, so people do not always learn from the first time) and from a relative who is currently in an abusive marriage but she does nothing but cover for the guy. She went to the hospital with broken ribs but she gave an excuse, that she fell against something at work. Uh no. She’s a cashier not a stock person. No excuse in the world works for this. They need help but not from the woman or man they are married to.
But this one thing came up. Can they be helped? YES! Can they change? Again, YES! But it takes an outside source to do that. I don’t want to get preachy here so I won’t but God can help but they have to want it regardless of who helps. Most of these people do not believe they are abusive at all. They think that the other person is totally at fault for “making” them do it. HELLO!! That should be a wakeup to anyone in such a relationship. If EVERYTHING is your fault or so says the other person, you are in an abusive relationship whether it’s hitting or just fighting all the time.
That was my two cents but it must have reached about a dollar and a half by now. *grin*
Hi Jaz, the belief that abusive men can or will change is a major reason why women stay in abusive relationships. The statistics of abusive men in relationships or marriages are pretty clear. Most abusive men do not and will not accept responsibility for their behavior and attitude, and more often than not continue to blame their partner or spouse for the abuse.
As the article “Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men” mentioned in this post points out, the reality is that abusive men usually don’t ever change and the abuse only escalates and gets much worse.
You are right. Abusive guys will not change by themselves and certainly not with the person they are abusing. They will most likely not wake up even when the evidence is right there in front of their eyes. She went to the hospital! He was the reason but she will always give him excuses and he will always believe it was her fault. Until that changes, no..the guy will not change.
What I was talking about is that an outside source can make a difference but the person has to realize that they are the problem first. THAT is the part that does not happen often. That is the reason so many guys do this and will not change.
But there are some who will see the light. As I said, God can help that and so can others but it takes the person realizing they have a problem and that the other person is NOT at fault. That is the one thing that is so hard for these guys. They do not want to believe that they are the problem at all.
With that in mind, I will say this. Ladies, you are NEVER going to change the guy. Get that into your heads. He is NOT going to change for you. The reality is that they do not love the woman they are abusing.
My niece cannot see that. And because she cannot, the guy is sitting in the homeless shelter where they live while she goes to work. The only money they have comes from her job that pays twice a month.
He is so lazy that he will not work…the job he could get is in a factory. That job is too LOW for him. So he lets her go to work with broken ribs. That is soooo abusive. They fight all the time, verbally and physically. The last time I talked with him, he told me that she hits him 50 times a day so what is he supposed to do? Sigh. This girl is 20 years old with broken ribs. He is 21, a reject from the army because he lied to them about being in JAIL FOR ABUSIVE domestic actions.
There is nothing at all wrong with him besides laziness and the fact that he lies for fun. THAT is an abusive relationship. He takes all the money from their checking account. He likes poker. Wanna bet where it goes? Yeah.
I think that’s enough to give the picture.
Jaz, I’ve been asked numerous times to write an article (or two) that is directed to abusive men in an attempt to “help them see the light”. Not gonna happen. Abusive men are notorious manipulators and liars, and will tell women whatever they wanna hear, knowing full well they are full of crap. So I focus more attention to women dealing with abusive relationships in order to help women realize the reality that they need to get out and get out fast, and hiding money from abusive husbands is a definite necessity for many women.
I am in need of advice. Maybe this will al sound very petty to those who are in this forum and being physically and/or otherwise abused. But, can someone be truly abused in sort of a psychological sense by a man who is immovable?
I have been married to my husband for 28 years now. He is a wonderful man, yet, he is soooo stubborn and one of those ‘I know what is best’ people. He took over the bill paying several years ago when I was working 60+ hours per week. Since then, I thought we were doing ok. He recently took a job in another state and we had to move cross country. I found that our house had been mortgaged to more than its value, we were behind on all the bills etc..
I am trying to finish college and get financial aid. They reimburse me what they don’t use for that term. I am supposed to bank this and accumulate it for more classes. Two years ago, when he found out this was the case, we had all sorts of emergencies and had to use that money. When we moved, I set up an account. He insisted on having his name on it. Now he has used all my school money again. I have been collecting unemployment because I can’t find a job in this economy, especially where we moved to. I have never seen a dime of that. He always promises to put it back so I can finish school, but he does not see that he never keeps promises. It took me 25 of those 28 years of marriage to convince him to let me go back to school in the first place! He has never been one to back me up for anything. It is true that we have had a tough time financially through the years, but now he has had to take out ALL of our retirement money to buy the home we now live in, in the new state [our other house had to go for a short sale]. So, our creditis messed up and I can’t find a job. By the way, he, though I have begged and threatened, will not include me in our finances and that infuriates me. I have never, in my entire life, been beholdin to anyone for my $$$.
So, to me, this sounds like a form of abuse, what say you?
Hi Jo,
Your comment and questions about your husband and the relationship between you two have raised a few red flags in my mind.
There are different kinds of abuse within marriages, including physical, emotional, sexual, mental AND psychological abuse. It is not up to me to tell you whether or not your husband is an abusive husband or not. You know better than anyone else the reality of your situation.
I do not advocate or recommend that husbands and wives have only one bank account that is shared. I believe that there should always be a shared account (with the husband and wife’s name on the account) where typical household bills and expenses are paid out of that account. I also recommend that the husband have his own personal bank account, and the wife should also have her own personal bank account, where the only place the spouse’ name appears is on the beneficiary paperwork should something happen to one or the other.
It always bothers me when I hear from a wife who knows nothing about the financial matters within the marriage, and where she has no “control” or say in how money is used, saved or spent within the marriage. Wives need to know everything there is to know about money and finances within a marriage, what bills and debts there are, whether there is money in the savings account or retirement account and how much money is there at all times.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, but far too often the husband or wife (usually the husband) controls all the money and the spouse is clueless about the finances in the marriage. That’s a huge red flag right there.
The fact that you say your husband is pretty reckless with the marital money, running behind on paying the bills, having a mortgage worth more than the value of your house AND that he’s spent your college money, tells me he doesn’t “know what’s best” and has no business handling the money since his “money management” skills are obviously lacking.
I suggest that you both immediately check your credit reports and print off all the details of who you owe money to and how much. You can’t fix what is broken until you know the total of the damage done to your finances.
With the printed copies in hand, and calculations made on paper of total earnings between the two of you vs bills and debts owed, you need to have a frank conversation with your husband and tell him you want and need to know every detail of what is being done with the money. Explain to him that your questions are not intended as an accusation of any kind, but that you are his wife and want/need to share in the decision making about the money and bills. His reaction to your requests may tell you everything you could possibly want or need to know about his being abusive or not.
Jo, if something were to happen unexpectedly to your husband, would you know the first thing about your financial situation and how you would get by and with what money?
Husbands and wives NEED to know everything about the finances in a marriage, and any husband who (for whatever reason or excuse) is not open or willing to have his own wife participate in the decision making about the money but chooses to control all the money without the knowledge or input from his wife, is in MY opinion a controlling and abusive husband.