Ladies: Why You Need to Know How to Hide Money From Your Husband

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you may be thinking I must have lost my mind to suggest that women should hide money from their husbands. Give me a few minutes to explain my reasoning on wives hiding money from their husbands, and I’m sure you’ll understand and agree with my reasons for doing this post.

For happy and healthy marriages, free of any kind of emotional, mental or physical abuse, I certainly do not advocate hiding money from your husband. But, based on the kind of web traffic this blog receives from women in abusive relationships and marriages, abused women want and need to know how to hide money from an abusive husband, and I am just the person to tell them exactly how to do it so they can get a divorce from these jerks.

Listed here are the various articles I’ve written that are getting a lot of attention from women doing keyword searches on topics relating to being in abusive relationships or marriage, and based on the feedback and emails I receive on a regular basis, I believe these women have a right to know how to hide money from abusive husbands.

I have now written, “How to Hide Money from an Abusive Husband”, and it is my sincere hope and wish that women suffering emotional, physical and mental abuse will take active steps to leave their abusive relationship, saving themselves as well as their children from further abuse.

Can abusive men be cured? No! So get out now while you still can, before he inflicts more bodily harm to you and/or your children! Children that are raised in abusive homes are more likely to grow up to become abusers themselves (or end up in abusive relationships themselves as adults), so protect yourself and your children from these behaviors before it is too late.

Your additional comments and suggestions on how abused women can hide money from their abusive husbands are welcome, and you can do so by leaving a comment below.

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33 Responses to “Ladies: Why You Need to Know How to Hide Money From Your Husband”

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  1. Evan says:

    This is really interesting. Today I’ve discovered that my wife has been keeping up to £1000 in her own account while I’ve had to transfer the last of (what I thought were) ‘our’ savings into my main account to pay off our credit card (she is a card-holder). I was really angry that she lied to me about this account (she said there was “about £30 in it”), but she can’t see what my problem is (even though she lied repeatedly about this account when I asked because of our current difficult financial situation). Background: my wife knows all of my financial details as she ‘balances the books’ and I let her open my post (unlike her last partner). Currently, I’m paying just short of 50% of my earnings in deductions for DWP/CSA payments (children by previous marriage) and to the Tax Office (an admin foul-up meant they applied the wrong code not allowing for my company car for over four years). Because of this financial squeeze we’re in, I thought it wrong that all our money was not being ‘pooled’, but she doesn’t agree. Does this mean I’m in an abusive/toxic relationship?

  2. Lin says:

    Evan, only you know your situation in your marriage, and I am certainly in no position to tell you whether your relationship is abusive or toxic. As I said in my post, for healthy and happy relationships, hiding money from a husband or wife is not something I advocate or agree with.

    This post was written specifically for women in abusive relationships wanting to know how they can save money in order to get away from their abusers. Abused women tend to not have free access to any monies, so having ways for abused women to seek a divorce by hiding money is what this post is all about.

    It does appear that there is some problems with communication in your marriage, but the root of the problem and how exactly to fix the problem, I couldn’t say since I’m not a psychologist or marriage counselor.

    I can certainly understand the concerns about the financial situation you say you’re both in now, so I would think that some honest and sincere communication needs to take place in order to find a reasonable balance, so you both are on the “same page” financially speaking. If money has been an ongoing problem in your marriage, I would suggest seeking out a marriage counselor, since they are licensed in these sort of problems. Good luck!

  3. Kellie says:

    Patricia Evans books have helped me realize that I am NOT CRAZY and that my husband IS ABUSIVE. It took 17 years to see it, and I have a very high IQ. Women get taken in and abused in part because we think we’re dealing with someone like ourselves. This is not true. His “sickness” is not one that can be cured by ME, because to him, I am nothing. Read P. Evans books and get your eyes, brain, and heart aware of the craziness going on in your home. It’s hard, but necessary. Thank you for the article

  4. Lin says:

    Hi Kellie, there are quite a large number of great books on the market that deal with abusive relationships. I’m not (yet) personally aware of Patricia Evans books, but I will certainly look into them and other books that focus on abusive relationships to bring attention to those for women in need of help.

  5. Jaz says:

    I did not read all the comments prior to writing here the last time but something did come up in a couple of them.

    If you find yourself in an abusive relationship or marriage, yes! HIDE GETAWAY MONEY. Do NOT feel guilty about taking it away from the household. Do NOT believe that you can change the guy or woman. You cannot.

    I say this from my own experience (twice, so people do not always learn from the first time) and from a relative who is currently in an abusive marriage but she does nothing but cover for the guy. She went to the hospital with broken ribs but she gave an excuse, that she fell against something at work. Uh no. She’s a cashier not a stock person. No excuse in the world works for this. They need help but not from the woman or man they are married to.

    But this one thing came up. Can they be helped? YES! Can they change? Again, YES! But it takes an outside source to do that. I don’t want to get preachy here so I won’t but God can help but they have to want it regardless of who helps. Most of these people do not believe they are abusive at all. They think that the other person is totally at fault for “making” them do it. HELLO!! That should be a wakeup to anyone in such a relationship. If EVERYTHING is your fault or so says the other person, you are in an abusive relationship whether it’s hitting or just fighting all the time.

    That was my two cents but it must have reached about a dollar and a half by now. *grin*

  6. Lin says:

    Hi Jaz, the belief that abusive men can or will change is a major reason why women stay in abusive relationships. The statistics of abusive men in relationships or marriages are pretty clear. Most abusive men do not and will not accept responsibility for their behavior and attitude, and more often than not continue to blame their partner or spouse for the abuse.

    As the article “Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men” mentioned in this post points out, the reality is that abusive men usually don’t ever change and the abuse only escalates and gets much worse.

  7. Jaz says:

    You are right. Abusive guys will not change by themselves and certainly not with the person they are abusing. They will most likely not wake up even when the evidence is right there in front of their eyes. She went to the hospital! He was the reason but she will always give him excuses and he will always believe it was her fault. Until that changes, no..the guy will not change.

    What I was talking about is that an outside source can make a difference but the person has to realize that they are the problem first. THAT is the part that does not happen often. That is the reason so many guys do this and will not change.

    But there are some who will see the light. As I said, God can help that and so can others but it takes the person realizing they have a problem and that the other person is NOT at fault. That is the one thing that is so hard for these guys. They do not want to believe that they are the problem at all.

    With that in mind, I will say this. Ladies, you are NEVER going to change the guy. Get that into your heads. He is NOT going to change for you. The reality is that they do not love the woman they are abusing.

    My niece cannot see that. And because she cannot, the guy is sitting in the homeless shelter where they live while she goes to work. The only money they have comes from her job that pays twice a month.

    He is so lazy that he will not work…the job he could get is in a factory. That job is too LOW for him. So he lets her go to work with broken ribs. That is soooo abusive. They fight all the time, verbally and physically. The last time I talked with him, he told me that she hits him 50 times a day so what is he supposed to do? Sigh. This girl is 20 years old with broken ribs. He is 21, a reject from the army because he lied to them about being in JAIL FOR ABUSIVE domestic actions.

    There is nothing at all wrong with him besides laziness and the fact that he lies for fun. THAT is an abusive relationship. He takes all the money from their checking account. He likes poker. Wanna bet where it goes? Yeah.

    I think that’s enough to give the picture.

  8. Lin says:

    Jaz, I’ve been asked numerous times to write an article (or two) that is directed to abusive men in an attempt to “help them see the light”. Not gonna happen. Abusive men are notorious manipulators and liars, and will tell women whatever they wanna hear, knowing full well they are full of crap. So I focus more attention to women dealing with abusive relationships in order to help women realize the reality that they need to get out and get out fast, and hiding money from abusive husbands is a definite necessity for many women.

  9. Jo says:

    I am in need of advice. Maybe this will al sound very petty to those who are in this forum and being physically and/or otherwise abused. But, can someone be truly abused in sort of a psychological sense by a man who is immovable?

    I have been married to my husband for 28 years now. He is a wonderful man, yet, he is soooo stubborn and one of those ‘I know what is best’ people. He took over the bill paying several years ago when I was working 60+ hours per week. Since then, I thought we were doing ok. He recently took a job in another state and we had to move cross country. I found that our house had been mortgaged to more than its value, we were behind on all the bills etc..

    I am trying to finish college and get financial aid. They reimburse me what they don’t use for that term. I am supposed to bank this and accumulate it for more classes. Two years ago, when he found out this was the case, we had all sorts of emergencies and had to use that money. When we moved, I set up an account. He insisted on having his name on it. Now he has used all my school money again. I have been collecting unemployment because I can’t find a job in this economy, especially where we moved to. I have never seen a dime of that. He always promises to put it back so I can finish school, but he does not see that he never keeps promises. It took me 25 of those 28 years of marriage to convince him to let me go back to school in the first place! He has never been one to back me up for anything. It is true that we have had a tough time financially through the years, but now he has had to take out ALL of our retirement money to buy the home we now live in, in the new state [our other house had to go for a short sale]. So, our creditis messed up and I can’t find a job. By the way, he, though I have begged and threatened, will not include me in our finances and that infuriates me. I have never, in my entire life, been beholdin to anyone for my $$$.

    So, to me, this sounds like a form of abuse, what say you?

    • Lin says:

      Hi Jo,

      Your comment and questions about your husband and the relationship between you two have raised a few red flags in my mind.

      There are different kinds of abuse within marriages, including physical, emotional, sexual, mental AND psychological abuse. It is not up to me to tell you whether or not your husband is an abusive husband or not. You know better than anyone else the reality of your situation.

      I do not advocate or recommend that husbands and wives have only one bank account that is shared. I believe that there should always be a shared account (with the husband and wife’s name on the account) where typical household bills and expenses are paid out of that account. I also recommend that the husband have his own personal bank account, and the wife should also have her own personal bank account, where the only place the spouse’ name appears is on the beneficiary paperwork should something happen to one or the other.

      It always bothers me when I hear from a wife who knows nothing about the financial matters within the marriage, and where she has no “control” or say in how money is used, saved or spent within the marriage. Wives need to know everything there is to know about money and finances within a marriage, what bills and debts there are, whether there is money in the savings account or retirement account and how much money is there at all times.

      Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, but far too often the husband or wife (usually the husband) controls all the money and the spouse is clueless about the finances in the marriage. That’s a huge red flag right there.

      The fact that you say your husband is pretty reckless with the marital money, running behind on paying the bills, having a mortgage worth more than the value of your house AND that he’s spent your college money, tells me he doesn’t “know what’s best” and has no business handling the money since his “money management” skills are obviously lacking.

      I suggest that you both immediately check your credit reports and print off all the details of who you owe money to and how much. You can’t fix what is broken until you know the total of the damage done to your finances.

      With the printed copies in hand, and calculations made on paper of total earnings between the two of you vs bills and debts owed, you need to have a frank conversation with your husband and tell him you want and need to know every detail of what is being done with the money. Explain to him that your questions are not intended as an accusation of any kind, but that you are his wife and want/need to share in the decision making about the money and bills. His reaction to your requests may tell you everything you could possibly want or need to know about his being abusive or not.

      Jo, if something were to happen unexpectedly to your husband, would you know the first thing about your financial situation and how you would get by and with what money?

      Husbands and wives NEED to know everything about the finances in a marriage, and any husband who (for whatever reason or excuse) is not open or willing to have his own wife participate in the decision making about the money but chooses to control all the money without the knowledge or input from his wife, is in MY opinion a controlling and abusive husband.

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  1. […] at TellinItLikeItIs left a great response to my post asking for advice. She followed that up with a post today on why you need to know how to hide money from your husband. It includes links to other posts she’s done on getting out of an abusive […]