When I first began the series of articles dealing with child sexual abuse, I promised to write about mother blame. I haven’t written about the legal system and society’s role in blaming mothers, when her child has been sexually abused, because the subject of mother blame infuriates me beyond belief.
Dealing with the subject of sexually abused children is a difficult one to say the least; just ask a parent of an abuse victim and you will discover the torrent of emotions involved. Better yet, ask ME! Utter shock, disbelief, ferocious RAGE, devastation, gut-wrenching pain racing through your mind and heart, and every other emotion you can think of. (Note: There is a difference between disbelief and not believing!)
Mother Blame
Blaming the mother instead of placing the blame solely on the offender has a long history in our society and does not serve the best interest and protection of abused children. Women are primarily seen as the protectors and nurturers of children, so when it is learned that a child has been sexually abused, many people immediately blame the mother for “allowing the abuse to occur” or, “not paying close enough attention” to her children, without actually knowing the details of the case. “Where was the mother?!” is often the first question people think of when hearing of children being abused.
Mothers of sexually abused children often feel that no matter what they do it is considered wrong by the legal system and society in general. Damned if they do and damned if they don’t. If they react to their child’s disclosure of sexual abuse with anger and take steps to insure the safety and protection of their child, they may be called mean, hysterical or insane in court proceedings. Mothers who work to suppress their unmitigated rage, calmly carrying out the duties needed to protect their children, say they are accused of falsely accusing their child’s perpetrator.
A common tactic for defense attorneys in sexual abuse cases is to discredit and blame those who act to defend and protect the sexually abused child. It is much more successful to discredit and destroy the child’s defenders, especially the mother, by claiming the mother is insane or neglectful of her responsibility to protect her child.
Defense attorneys say that “if it had really happened, she would be enraged!” Yet, if the mother expresses that rage, she’s accused of being a nut case in court. Add to that the mothers who have believed and acted on their child’s disclosure of sexual abuse report that they have been disbelieved by those who evaluated the allegations including Child Protective Services (CPS).
It is one of the sad realities of our society, blaming mothers when a child is sexually abused. Mothers are placed in an impossible, no-win situation. No matter what she does, it seems wrong. Societal norms and expectations about the responsibility mothers bear for what happens inside their homes, and to their children outside the home, greatly influences society’s views towards mothers of sexually abused children.
The degree to which our cultural values may lead society to blame non-offending mothers “is exemplified” by the findings of Dietz and Craft (1980), who reported that most social workers believed that mothers are as responsible for the sexual abuse as the offender, despite the fact that 78 percent of the mothers in their study were being physically abused by the same offender who abused the child” (Massat & Lundy, 1998).
Mothers of Sexually Abused Children Need Support
Emerging research indicates that mothers of sexually abused children need emotional support, as they are often in a state of complete shock because of learning their child has been sexually abused. (Working With Mothers of Sexually Abused Children.pdf) As soon as mothers or parents make it known what has happened to their child, the relationship between these mothers and the rest of the world changes. (Corcoran, 1998)
To think or assume that mothers somehow “just know” that their child is being abused, or has already been abused, is ludicrous! Since sexual abuse often occurs within the home by a family member, does that mean mothers should not take showers, use the bathroom, SLEEP!, just to be on the “safe side”? If sexual abuse occurs during the time a pregnant mother spends five minutes on the phone to schedule a doctor’s appointment, should mothers stop using the phone too?!
How about this: Why don’t mothers just make sure all of her children are sleeping right next to her at night until their 18th Birthday, just to make sure abuse doesn’t happen while she’s sleeping?! (Included sarcasm intended)
Further Reading:
Child Sexual Abuse - Facts vs. Myths
Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talking to Your Children about Sexual Abuse
Launching Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series
Evil Seeking to Devour Our Children’s Innocence
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9 responses so far ↓
1 Lin (793 comments.) // Apr 26, 2008 at 7:59 am
It’s always very interesting to me the number of emails I receive from people not wanting to leave public comments on posts.
Just since publishing this article, I’ve received emails from mothers whose son or daughter was sexually molested and are suffering with such emotional turmoil, pain and anger that they don’t know where to turn for support and help.
One mother reported her child was being molested by the step-father while the mother was asleep at night.
Another mother has a 5 year-old son who was sexually abused by her almost 6 six year Step-son from a new marriage. This mother perfectly fits the description of the mother in my article who was on the telephone making an appointment with her doctor when the abuse occurred. Her Step-son had been abused previously and is acting out sexually with her young son.
As I’ve said in my other articles on child sexual abuse, molestation of children can happen anywhere, anytime. To think that non-offending mothers are to blame, and are vilified in society, is heartless.
Children are molested in church: Should parents then stop going to church, or stop sending their children to Sunday School classes to protect their child from ever becoming a victim?
Abuse happens in schools too. Should we stop sending our children to school too?
Open your minds and hearts to these mothers, they and their child are suffering enough already without the added pain of being blamed for the abuse.
2 Megan from Imaginif (15 comments.) // Apr 27, 2008 at 12:51 am
I agree Lin - it is way past time to stop with the Mother blame. The blame for child sexual assault needs to be placed firmly on the heads of those who do it - the perpetrators.
It is imperative that we all have a voice - the more people that stand up against sexual assault, the quicker the laws will change and the predators flushed out. No more mother blame - more perpetrator responsibility.
3 When normal child sexual development becomes abnormal | Imaginif // May 1, 2008 at 9:21 pm
[…] is: Stop with the blame of schools, teachers, Departments, bad parenting, out of control society, mother blame, etc. Blame does not stop child abuse until the blame is placed exactly where it belongs - on the […]
4 Smilie Saturday: Linky Love Weekend Roundup | Telling It Like It Is // May 3, 2008 at 10:08 am
[…] awareness to the prevalence of sexual abuse on children, the misunderstood subject of “mother blame” and things parents need to know to help protect their children. I’m happy to report […]
5 Sex predators groom against child protection | Imaginif // May 4, 2008 at 6:04 pm
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6 Karen in Honolulu (1 comments.) // Jul 21, 2008 at 8:20 pm
No a mother can’t be blamed for what happens to her child if she does not know that it is happening. But what of the mother who does know and then ignores it?
My sister was raped time and again by my father from infancy up to her teens.
Tell me the mother did not know. When he molested me and I said something she still stayed.
I am curious, and, I will research what happened to my mother so that she allowed this to go on? If she had been raped as a young girl was it outside of her family? (she dearly loved my grandpa and her brothers so I don’t think it was them.) But her mother was quite cruel to her.
You can’t always blame the mother but then there are always exceptions to the rule.
7 Lin (793 comments.) // Jul 21, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Hi Karen, I understand your conflicted feelings towards your mother, wondering why (if she knew about the abuse) why she didn’t leave your father in order to protect you and your sister.
I certainly don’t know your mother’s background or history, or what things may have happened to her throughout her life, so I have no way of knowing what her thoughts and feelings were at the time.
If your mother was abused herself at some point during her own childhood, the fact that she “dearly loved” your grandfather and her brothers doesn’t in of itself make any of them innocent. I’m not at all suggesting that anything happened between them. I’m only saying that most children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know, love and care for. Usually a family member or close friend of the family.
I do hope you will be able to find some answers that help comfort you and your sister, and hopefully your mother can provide some details of her own life that may shed some light on the circumstances as to why she stayed with your father, if she knew about the abuse. I wish you all much luck in healing.
8 el // Jul 30, 2008 at 11:42 am
i came across your article because i was hoping to find something to explain why some mothers blame the children themselves for being sexually abused. i was drugged and raped by my stepfather for 10 years starting when i was 4. my mother knew from the time i was 8, and possibly before then. she turned a blind eye and later on went so far as to accuse me of seducing my stepfather (at age 4?!?!?) she used to lock me in the closet when men came to the house thinking i would try to sleep with them. forget about those blaming the mother (i do believe the mothers are to blame in a lot of cases for not noticing), what about children who are blamed??? why is no one writing about that?
9 Lin (793 comments.) // Jul 30, 2008 at 12:20 pm
el, I’m not sure I have the answer for your question. I can’t even imagine how any mother could/would blame her own child when they’ve been sexually abused. I cannot even fathom what kind of mother could even think it’s possible for a young child such as yourself (at the time) to seduce someone and to blame you for the abuse you endured.
I’ve seen recent re-runs on the Dr. Phil show with a grown daughter confronting her father for sexually abusing her as a young girl, and with suspicions that her father had abused her son/his grandson as a child. The man’s wife (the victim’s mother) was there on the show too and her tremendous sense of denial of what was happening to her daughter was mind boggling to me and really broke my heart.
I’m not sure why you haven’t been able to find articles related to mothers who knew/know about the abuse but do nothing to protect their child. I just don’t understand it myself. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this.
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