Child Sexual Abuse: Blaming Mothers of Sexually Abused Children
When I first began the series of articles dealing with child sexual abuse, I promised to write about mother blame. I haven’t written about the legal system and society’s role in blaming mothers, when her child has been sexually abused, because the subject of mother blame infuriates me beyond belief. [Update below]
Dealing with the subject of sexually abused children is a difficult one to say the least; just ask a parent of an abuse victim and you will discover the torrent of emotions involved. Better yet, ask ME! Utter shock, disbelief, ferocious RAGE, devastation, gut-wrenching pain racing through your mind and heart, and every other emotion you can think of. (Note: There is a difference between disbelief and not believing!)
Mother Blame
Blaming the mother instead of placing the blame solely on the offender has a long history in our society and does not serve the best interest and protection of abused children. Women are primarily seen as the protectors and nurturers of children, so when it is learned that a child has been sexually abused, many people immediately blame the mother for “allowing the abuse to occur” or, “not paying close enough attention” to her children, without actually knowing the details of the case. “Where was the mother?!” is often the first question people think of when hearing of children being abused.
Mothers of sexually abused children often feel that no matter what they do it is considered wrong by the legal system and society in general. Damned if they do and damned if they don’t. If they react to their child’s disclosure of sexual abuse with anger and take steps to insure the safety and protection of their child, they may be called mean, hysterical or insane in court proceedings. Mothers who work to suppress their unmitigated rage, calmly carrying out the duties needed to protect their children, say they are accused of falsely accusing their child’s perpetrator.
A common tactic for defense attorneys in sexual abuse cases is to discredit and blame those who act to defend and protect the sexually abused child. It is much more successful to discredit and destroy the child’s defenders, especially the mother, by claiming the mother is insane or neglectful of her responsibility to protect her child.
Defense attorneys say that “if it had really happened, she would be enraged!” Yet, if the mother expresses that rage, she’s accused of being a nut case in court. Add to that the mothers who have believed and acted on their child’s disclosure of sexual abuse report that they have been disbelieved by those who evaluated the allegations including Child Protective Services (CPS).
It is one of the sad realities of our society, blaming mothers when a child is sexually abused. Mothers are placed in an impossible, no-win situation. No matter what she does, it seems wrong. Societal norms and expectations about the responsibility mothers bear for what happens inside their homes, and to their children outside the home, greatly influences society’s views towards mothers of sexually abused children.
The degree to which our cultural values may lead society to blame non-offending mothers “is exemplified” by the findings of Dietz and Craft (1980), who reported that most social workers believed that mothers are as responsible for the sexual abuse as the offender, despite the fact that 78 percent of the mothers in their study were being physically abused by the same offender who abused the child” (Massat & Lundy, 1998).
Mothers of Sexually Abused Children Need Support
Emerging research indicates that mothers of sexually abused children need emotional support, as they are often in a state of complete shock because of learning their child has been sexually abused. (Working With Mothers of Sexually Abused Children.pdf) As soon as mothers or parents make it known what has happened to their child, the relationship between these mothers and the rest of the world changes. (Corcoran, 1998)
To think or assume that mothers somehow “just know” that their child is being abused, or has already been abused, is ludicrous! Since sexual abuse often occurs within the home by a family member, does that mean mothers should not take showers, use the bathroom, SLEEP!, just to be on the “safe side”? If sexual abuse occurs during the time a pregnant mother spends five minutes on the phone to schedule a doctor’s appointment, should mothers stop using the phone too?!
How about this: Why don’t mothers just make sure all of her children are sleeping right next to her at night until their 18th Birthday, just to make sure abuse doesn’t happen while she’s sleeping?! (Included sarcasm intended)
UPDATE: When I originally wrote this article, I neglected to mention that some mothers DO molest children. That is appalling to me on every level. For those of you who have been molested or raped by your mother or grandmother, my heart goes out to you. Healing from sexual abuse IS possible for victims of child sexual abuse, whether the abuse was done by a mother or father/grandfather/uncle etc. There are many books on sexual abuse for survivors to find healing from the past, so that your present and future doesn’t have to marred and forever damaged by having been abused.
Further Reading:
Child Sexual Abuse – Facts vs. Myths
Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talking to Your Children about Sexual Abuse
Launching Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series
Sexual Abuse Books-Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse-Healing Sexual Abuse
Child Molestation Prevention:Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse
Similar Posts:
- Should You Tell You Were Sexually Abused? What Happens When You Tell?
- Child Sexual Abuse – Facts VS. Myths
- Books on Sexual Abuse-Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse-Healing Sexual Abuse
- Sexual Predator Masquerading as Parent Blogger
- Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talking to Your Children About Sexual Abuse
It’s always very interesting to me the number of emails I receive from people not wanting to leave public comments on posts.
Just since publishing this article, I’ve received emails from mothers whose son or daughter was sexually molested and are suffering with such emotional turmoil, pain and anger that they don’t know where to turn for support and help.
One mother reported her child was being molested by the step-father while the mother was asleep at night.
Another mother has a 5 year-old son who was sexually abused by her almost 6 six year Step-son from a new marriage. This mother perfectly fits the description of the mother in my article who was on the telephone making an appointment with her doctor when the abuse occurred. Her Step-son had been abused previously and is acting out sexually with her young son.
As I’ve said in my other articles on child sexual abuse, molestation of children can happen anywhere, anytime. To think that non-offending mothers are to blame, and are vilified in society, is heartless.
Children are molested in church: Should parents then stop going to church, or stop sending their children to Sunday School classes to protect their child from ever becoming a victim?
Abuse happens in schools too. Should we stop sending our children to school too?
Open your minds and hearts to these mothers, they and their child are suffering enough already without the added pain of being blamed for the abuse.
I agree Lin – it is way past time to stop with the Mother blame. The blame for child sexual assault needs to be placed firmly on the heads of those who do it – the perpetrators.
It is imperative that we all have a voice – the more people that stand up against sexual assault, the quicker the laws will change and the predators flushed out. No more mother blame – more perpetrator responsibility.
[...] is: Stop with the blame of schools, teachers, Departments, bad parenting, out of control society, mother blame, etc. Blame does not stop child abuse until the blame is placed exactly where it belongs – on the [...]
[...] awareness to the prevalence of sexual abuse on children, the misunderstood subject of “mother blame” and things parents need to know to help protect their children. I’m happy to report [...]
[...] so sometimes it may be the mother than grooms the father. One thing to guard against though is mother blame. People will too often blame the mother saying that she must have known what was happening to her [...]
No a mother can’t be blamed for what happens to her child if she does not know that it is happening. But what of the mother who does know and then ignores it?
My sister was raped time and again by my father from infancy up to her teens.
Tell me the mother did not know. When he molested me and I said something she still stayed.
I am curious, and, I will research what happened to my mother so that she allowed this to go on? If she had been raped as a young girl was it outside of her family? (she dearly loved my grandpa and her brothers so I don’t think it was them.) But her mother was quite cruel to her.
You can’t always blame the mother but then there are always exceptions to the rule.
Hi Karen, I understand your conflicted feelings towards your mother, wondering why (if she knew about the abuse) why she didn’t leave your father in order to protect you and your sister.
I certainly don’t know your mother’s background or history, or what things may have happened to her throughout her life, so I have no way of knowing what her thoughts and feelings were at the time.
If your mother was abused herself at some point during her own childhood, the fact that she “dearly loved” your grandfather and her brothers doesn’t in of itself make any of them innocent. I’m not at all suggesting that anything happened between them. I’m only saying that most children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know, love and care for. Usually a family member or close friend of the family.
I do hope you will be able to find some answers that help comfort you and your sister, and hopefully your mother can provide some details of her own life that may shed some light on the circumstances as to why she stayed with your father, if she knew about the abuse. I wish you all much luck in healing.
i came across your article because i was hoping to find something to explain why some mothers blame the children themselves for being sexually abused. i was drugged and raped by my stepfather for 10 years starting when i was 4. my mother knew from the time i was 8, and possibly before then. she turned a blind eye and later on went so far as to accuse me of seducing my stepfather (at age 4?!?!?) she used to lock me in the closet when men came to the house thinking i would try to sleep with them. forget about those blaming the mother (i do believe the mothers are to blame in a lot of cases for not noticing), what about children who are blamed??? why is no one writing about that?
Hi El. I believe, unfortunately that there is alot more of this than anyone is aware of. After my father left my mother was involved with a long string of pediphiles. Some were “friends” and some were boyfriends. My mother was aware of what was going on with many of them but non the less kept exposing us to them. When I cried out to her and told her about her boyfriend at age 11 she told me that if anything was happening it was me seducing her boyfriend and if she caught me she would disown me. A week later she insisted on staging a ” viewing ” session so she sould see if whith her own eyes. She went to the store ( supposedly) and told me I was to serve her boyfriend breakfast in bed. What ever happened I was to allow it to take place but she promised to stop it before it ” got out of hand”. I don’t wish to retell the entire thing but she stopped it by pounding on the window just before he committed the act. I guess she really needed proof. She didn’t leave him right away but stayed with him to supposedly ” help” him and moved me out instead. From the time I was 3 years old until I was 17 I dealt with sexual abuse. Starting with her brother and progressing through her boyfriends and friends. I felt like she used me as sexual bait. I fought with her boyfriends, ran away, and eventually married an abusive man to get out. I divorced him after 20 years and have since remarried and have a good man. I live much healthier now and have recently broken the ties with my mother.
Yes, some mothers are to blame, there is no doubt in my mind. Some mothers are not and shouldn’t be blamed for the sickness that has attacked thier family. I will say, If you are a mother who has suspicions and you do not face them and investigate them then take measures to protect your child even at your own expense then you deserve much more than just blame!
el, I’m not sure I have the answer for your question. I can’t even imagine how any mother could/would blame her own child when they’ve been sexually abused. I cannot even fathom what kind of mother could even think it’s possible for a young child such as yourself (at the time) to seduce someone and to blame you for the abuse you endured.
I’ve seen recent re-runs on the Dr. Phil show with a grown daughter confronting her father for sexually abusing her as a young girl, and with suspicions that her father had abused her son/his grandson as a child. The man’s wife (the victim’s mother) was there on the show too and her tremendous sense of denial of what was happening to her daughter was mind boggling to me and really broke my heart.
I’m not sure why you haven’t been able to find articles related to mothers who knew/know about the abuse but do nothing to protect their child. I just don’t understand it myself. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this.
As a mother of a sexually abused child, I never blamed myself for not protecting my child..I knew from the start it was the offender’s sole responsibility and blame..For the beginning of the disclosure of my child’s coming forth, I believed my child, never was in denial…I worked very hard with taking care of my child’s emotionally state of mind, getting the child the need professional intervention, working hard with law enforcement, the criminal justice system, social services..the only people who blamed me where all the rude, gossip type, who never knew the real truth of how I was there every step of the way for my child..today I am a child advocate for abused children..trainings..working in the community for protecting our children..yes, it hurts when people blame me for the abuse..but I have varies agencies, law enforcement, and true friends on my side, mostly the Lord Jesus Christ..I turned the predator in..locally and on a international level..this predator molested children in two different countries..I reported the predator to federal authorities for what he did in an Asian country…when the church failed to do so..because they let him back in after he returned to his home area as a ‘fugitive on the run’…even the church has talked against me..what a shame..I stand strong and firm on advocating for abused children who have been sexually assaulted. I am currently writing a book..’Catching the Predator”.
I am one mother who has made a difference in this world and I will continue to do so.
Hi Lela, Good for you! I’m all too familiar with the way churches treat people who speak out about sexual abuse and how many churches and church leaders do everything possible to protect the predator and their own image over that of the victims.
I’m glad to hear that you’re writing a book about this and hopefully many people will be helped in the process. Much luck with the book and all you do to help children and families.
I am no longer associated with that church, I attend a church where children are important and kept safe. The former church leadership has done a ‘cover-up’ of allowing the predator back into the church. In time all truth will come forth..as there is a international criminal case pending in the Philippines by both Interpol and the government of the Philippines, since this predator molested young boys on the missionary base that he onced served on. So I have done major criminal justice work in getting one predator away from children and this predator has a 18 year sentence in the state of NJ.
I am developing a major advocacy/activistism work for sexually abused children at this time.
For a minute there I thought that maybe you were associated at one time with the same religious group I used to be, but when you mentioned a missionary base that made me think otherwise.
It’s unfortunate but true that predators are in every religion, every church and it’s sickening.
Predators are everywhere..this predator was an active church member, missionary, praise and worship team member..well known in the church..law enforcement has been on my side from the beginning, along with close family and friends..yes, one church failed me..not God..but the truth has been setting me free..the book is a ‘tell all’…will tell the whole entire story..including what the church did..
I am a voice for the abused child.
I was sexually abused by my father. It started when I was about 8 that I can remember. I eventually found out 1 of my sisters were abused as well. She came forward and told m y mother 35 years ago. My mother never asked me If i was abused she took my fathers word that he didn’t touch me or my other sister. Last year I finally came forward. She now constantly refers to this horrible situation as “when he cheated on me.” (meaning her, my mother) I am having a hard time with this remark. Why is it about her? By the way. She is still with him. She has never been sympathetic tomy pain. It’s all about her. Let me add that she was verbally mentally and physically abusive to us. He was sexually and physically abusive. Please help me understand why this is about her. Does it make sense that I can’t stand her! I feel likeI can forgive him easier then her.
Coreena, there isn’t much that surprises me anymore about sexual abuse or causes me to become emotional (not after going through it myself and my son being abused), but your story made me cry.
I’ve heard from so many mothers (mostly through private emails) who have children that were sexually abused and the mom has just recently learned about it, and the devastation and horror they are feeling. I cannot imagine that any mother who loves her children would even THINK to make it all about her and not about her child, and do everything possible to help her child, protect her child from further harm and abuse, especially by leaving/divorcing the abuser and doing everything humanly possible to keep the abuser from ever touching that child again.
Coreena, it is NOT about her. It is all about you and what you were put through by what I refer to as an EVIL MONSTER.
I’ve also heard many excuses/”reasons” given by mothers who have stayed married or continued to live with the very person who sexually abused their child. That blows my mind! I cannot understand it, so it makes perfect sense that you cannot understand it either that your mother would make it all about her and remain married to the person who caused so much pain for her children.
I don’t have an answer for your question Coreena. I’m not a therapist or a counselor. I’m just a survivor of sexual abuse and a mother of a child (now grown) who was victimized by a church minister.
There are many things I can forgive people for, but sexually abusing children is not one of them. I couldn’t possibly know what makes your mom feel as she does, or why she refers to your being abused as somehow being related to her being cheated on. It’s ridiculous and beyond what any reasonable thinking person would think, feel or say. The ONLY thing that I can even think of is if you were to consider seeing a therapist, who over a period of time were to bring your mom into some sessions to discuss what happened to you and how you’ve been affected by it and how her response has affected you. Perhaps that is the only way to really make her “get it” and truly understand what her comments, feelings, reactions etc have done to you and your relationship with her.
I can only hope for the best Coreena. God Bless.
Hello, my name is Teresa. I,m the mother of 5 beautiful children. 3 girls, 2 boys. About 2 yrs. ago, I was working 2 jobs and going to school(CNA training). My sister’s son offered to babysit because my babysitter quit without notice, and I couldn’t find daycare for the hours I was working, so I thought it would be O.K. The plan was for me to complete the 9 weeks of training, take the state board, and begin working days so that I could quit the nights and weekends, and put the kids in daycare. He grew up around my kids, and they all loved him, and Ithought it would be good for them to have a male around, because the fathers weren’t around. During this time, his friend Micheal came home from Iraq. This was a boy that my sister kept alot as a child, so she asked me if he could stay with my nephew and help him with the kids because he couln’t find his parents, and she really didn’t have room, etc. That was the worst mistake of my life. I found out after Micheal left that he and my 12 yr. old daughter had been having sex. I took her to the Dr., notified the police, and got my daughter in counseling. Someone called CPS and they took me to court and told the judge that I had a founded complaint of physical neglct and she took all 5 of my children away. I was able to appeal for 2 and got them back, I kept my then 2 yr. old because her dad and I are still together, so now we have joint custody of her. My oldests is now 14, and has been moved numerous times, and my oldest son is 12. His grandmaother has custody of him.Couldn’t have been worse, right? Wrong! Around Dec. of last yr. , my youngest son told me that his brother was doing things to him at night when he was over for visits. Then , my 3yr. old said that her sister was touching her in the tub. So, I asked htem if anyone had ever touched them in that way, and to my horror, my son said my nephew did! I informed the proper authorities, and now we are awaiting trial. As time went on, we found out that he had molested 4 of the 5 kids. My 6 yr old girl still blames herself dispite everyone from me to her thearapist telling her that she’s not to blame at all, my oldest son’s grandmother placed him in a facility for children who have sexually abused other kids, and I’m terrified that when we do go to court, that the judge will blame me again and I will lose my children for good. My sister is in denial about her sons part in this, and refuses to speak to me. I feel so humiliated, shocked, and yes, I do blame myself, because I didn’t see what was happening right in front of me!I’m more angry at myself than I am at anyone else. I feel that I have failed them as a mother, and that I really don’t deserve these angels that God sent to me to love and protect. I and the children all have individual conselors that come to our home, I’ve taken parenting classes, reading books, etc., and trying to keep it together as best I can, but I still have a whirlwind of emotions and fears and I worry so much about my kids and the long term affects that all of this will have on them. Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
be sure to listen to them as they grow up. Don’t make excuses, they wont want excuses. tell them you are sory and be supportive. Believe them and listen to their pain.
Dont treat them like their damaged good, wierd or be afraid of them. Just give them as much of a normal life as you can and they will be alright. By the way so will you. You have to stop blaming your self and trying to convince everyone that it’s not your fault. The only people that matter are your children and what they feel. As long as they know you love them and are their for them they most likely wont blame you and will be alright. If you struggle through blame eventually that will effect the way you are avaliable to them and they will put blame on you.
Stuff happens in life. We all grow up and understand that bad things happen. Most can forgive and move on. But… if this becomes the center of their childhood with everything rotating around it becouse you kept trying to make it right, they will never be able to move on. every time some one talks about their childhood they will be reminded that they didn’t get one.
Just love your way through this and you will all be alright.
sol.
Hi Sol,
It never ceases to amaze me the number of child sexual abuse victims whose mothers not only knew about the abuse while it was happening, but the number of mothers who have actually sexually abused their own children. It tears my heart apart to know that there are mothers out there in this world who have no right to be mothers at all, no right to have their children because they do or did nothing to protect their children from being victimized even when told the abuse was going on. To think that a mother would even consider sending their own child away and stay with the person abusing their child is something I will never understand.
Sexual abuse is indeed very damaging and there are deep wounds that need to be healed. It takes time for children to heal from sexual abuses. Having a good therapist who is trained in the field of child sexual abuses, is very helpful. I had my own ups and downs with my child who was sexually abused. He lost a lot of his education, repeated one school year, grave emotional trauma from being a witness in court for testifying against his abuser as a teenager. He was abused for three years in a row..finally coming forward and telling on his abuser. The end result was that the predator ended up with an 18 year sentence..that is pretty good for a first time conviction as a sexual predator here in NJ.
Children need tons of love and support and that is what I have been doing for many years now, I even had to stay home for two and one years in taking care of my child full time, because of all the trauma of being sexually abused. I lived in pure proverty, because the system failed me..but now I am working and finally getting back on track finanically. I was so lied about from those in the former church who turned their backs on me..but I always had law enforcement on my side, the prosecutor’s office on my side and close family and friends..to support me..but there are those still out there..blaming me for allowing abuse..if that were so true..I would have had my child taken from me and I would not be able to work in a school district, as I do today..I will be going public in time, tellling the truth about how the former church, failed to report this predator to the authorities and how unsafe this church really is when it comes to NOT protecting their children who attend the church..this is because the predator was allowed back into the church, had molested my child and someone else’s child at the same church..leadership never did anything about it..but I did the right thing and turned the predator in to law enforcement. Now people hate me..oh well…I am a child abuse advocate today..educating the public on child sexual abuses and sharing my story.
I am so upset that children are being sexually abused every day..and people refuse to report it..like in some churches..in homes..with families..this doesn’t make any sense..
Children have a right to live abuse free.
Teresa, I hope by now you have received my email explaining my delay in responding to your comment. What you and your children are going through and have gone through is horrific to say the least. You MUST not blame yourself. You were doing what any other parent, mother or father, would be doing to provide for and protect their children.
Even if you were a stay-at-home mother, there is no way that a parent can be at their child’s side every single second of every single day. It’s just not possible. You have done everything you possibly could have done to ensure your children’s safety and well-being. There is no way you could have known your nephew would sexually abuse your children. If you had known, you would have made absolutely sure that your nephew never came near your children. That’s what mother’s do, and father’s do, to protect their children from being sexually abused.
Think about this: If you continue to blame yourself, how will your 6 yr old daughter or your other children learn to not blame themselves for what has happened to them? It’s not your fault this has happened, and it’s certainly not your children’s fault, so you must stop blaming yourself.
You must put 100% blame and full responsibility where it rightfully belongs; right on the shoulders of the person who abused your children. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have every right to feel anger, bitterness, resentment, hatred for the perpetrator and the abuse. Your emotions are raw and understandable, but you must learn to put them into perspective and know within your heart and soul that you could not have done anything different or anything better to be a mother to these children or to protect them any better than you have.
Having children taken away from you because of being sexually abused by a relative not living in your home blows my mind. The court system, CPS (child protective services) and society in general make it even more difficult for mothers and fathers of sexually abused children by pointing their finger at the parents as if to say, “you are to blame for what happened to your children, so we’re going to take them away from you”.
Clearly, these children will need a lot of support, love, encouragement, counseling and therapy to come to terms with the abuse, and to begin taking steps to heal their wounds of being abused.
You did not abuse them. This is not your fault. I hope you have an excellent lawyer and others who are standing by your side as a support team, people who will speak up on your behalf as a character witness before the court and to the judge, and hopefully information/statistics etc will be presented to the judge to help him/her see that your children need to be with you, their mother who loves and adores them and is doing everything in her power and capability to protect those kids.
Each child victim of sexual abuse deals with it in their own way; that’s why it’s important to provide them every opportunity for counseling to deal with their own feelings and thoughts about what has happened to them, to come to terms with it and to begin taking steps towards healing.
Remember: If you continue to blame yourself, how can you expect your daughter or other children not to blame themselves?
Lela, Teresa and others:
In case you have missed hearing about a major effort going on to help protect children being sexually abused, please take a few moments and read my newest article Help Pass the PROTECT Our Children Act 1738 and you will surely be moved by this article and thousands upon thousands of others have and are doing something about it.
[...] Child Sexual Abuse: Facts VS. Myths Launching Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series Why Kids Don’t Tell: Talking to Your Children About Child Sexual Abuse Child Sexual Abuse: Blaming Mothers of Sexually Abused Children [...]
Hi. Thank you for your encouraging words. Today was the first time I’ve ever posted anything . It really helps me to know that there is someone out there who understands what my family is going through. I went to the Oprah website today, and I followed the directions and forwarded the letter to the senator for the new bill to protect children from online predators. That was another first for me! It gave me a great feeling to be able to help in any way to protect a child. I’m really glad that I came across this website. Thank you so much !Keep up the good work!
I ran across something interesting in my research about mothers who knowingly stay with molesters. The book stated that many women in this situation have been abused in one way or another and as a child lacked a closeness to their own mother and experienced the feeling of abandonment.
The feeling of the author was that these girls when they marry want at any cost to be loved and accepted. Sometimes they feel they need to do what ever it takes to keep their man from leaving them. Even to the point of believing that their child has been competing with them. It is very complicated there are so many dynamics in this kind of situation. But just like the molester never admits to what he is doing, the mother will never say what her problems are either.
My heart goes out to that mother with the five children. I feel so sorry for her having to go through the system that is so messed up and usually ends up making more of a mess then being of help. I know I’ve dealt with it.
Hi Karen, thanks for bringing that up, about mothers who have been abused or abandoned themselves at some time in their life and lack the ability to be bond and be very close to their own children. This is just one of the effects that being sexually abused can have on a victim, and since children learn what they live, it is clear that the effects have a long reaching effect on those who have been abused.
I’d like to share with you a little more about my story. I’m probably one of the first in my family to speak out against sexual abuse, despite the fact that there were many instances of it which spans numerous generations as well as numerous victims, and numerous abusers. I remember being abused as early as age 4. My mother had schizophrenia and was an alcoholic. She had numerous male (drinking buddies) that frequented our home over the years. Most of these men would get her drunk, and once she passed out, would use the oppertunity to molest me. Some of them would make it as though we were playing a “game”, others would use threats like “if you ever tell, I’ll kill your mom”, and others would take me to the store, or offer me money,etc. There was even one guy who rode a horse through town and offer to give kiddy rides. When I would get up on the horse, he would fondle me while we were riding. I often wonder how many more kids he did it to. My mom had a boyfriend when I was about 11. We were staying over one night, and as usual, they were drunk, mom passed out, so Igot in bed beside her to go to sleep. He reached across her and began touching me. I nudged her and she woke up and caught him. He told her that he thought it was her, so she believed him, The next morning, while she was sleeping, he started playing with her in front of me. I ran next door to his moms and told her, and she called the cops. They took me away to await trial. My mom begged me not to testify against him! She told me that they would drag my name through the mud, so I agreed, but they made a clause that he couldn’t come back until I turned 18. When I was in middle school, one of my brothers molested me, and I thought I was pregnant, so I went to the school counselor. She called the cops, but when they came, my mom told them that I was mentally ill, and they believed her. She explained to me that she believed me, because he had did the same to my sister, and even to her!, but that we should “keep in in the family so as not to bring shame to ourselves.” I also found out that my uncle molested my brother( a different brother), and my mom went crazy and tried to kill him, and got put in a mental institution. I think that my past is a big reason why I blamed myself for what happened to my kids, because I always told myself that it would NEVER happen to MY kids, because I would be able to know the signs, and that I would raise my kids to know that they could tell me anything.Boy, was I wrong. I used to resent my mom, but now I think that in here own way, she really thought she was protecting me due to some of her own life expieriances, because woman used to be the ones put on trial when they would come forward.
Wow Teresa, you’ve been through a lot of abuse in your life. It’s very important that you stop blaming yourself, or feeling “responsible” in any way for what happened to you or to your children. Playing the blame game and feeling like you coulda, shoulda, woulda done something different if you had known doesn’t work. Not only that, but blaming yourself or children blaming themselves means the abuser “wins” and is pretty much off the hook because people focus their anger and resentment on the wrong person.
Victims have to ask themselves, “Who is being helped by continuing to blame myself for what happened to me or my child?” Answer: The child molester is helped, as pedophiles are COUNTING on victims to blame themselves and not the abuser, and each day/month/year that goes by without the abuser being caught and put away and held accountable for his/her crimes, their perverted attitudes and behaviors continue to harm other children. Not only that, but you can just bet that every moment that goes by where the abuser is not locked up behind bars, they’re grinning from ear to ear that their threats and manipulations worked.
Don’t allow child molesters and pedophiles to win. Being a victim of sexual abuse, knowing the signs of what to look for etc, knowing the Facts vs. Myths about sexual abuse does not ensure children are protected. Mother blame has got to stop. Blame the pedophile; he/she is the one responsible for what happened. 100% to blame and 100% responsible.
By me supporting my child throughout this entire situation of child sexual abuse and making every effort to do my part, and to move forward in my own healings, I have provided my child with greater support, and I pass this on to anyone who has a sexually abused child.
I too was a victim with my child’s sexual abuse, since this was a closed trusted family friend, who we treated as if he was part of my family. He betrayed me in very deep ways, and I walk in forgiveness with him, because I refused to allow any anger, bitterness, and resentments to rule my life. He is now in prison, cannot harm another child.
I am empowered today, to look a a brighter future for me and my child. I was once very depressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted by all the trauma of child sexual abuses. I went for counseling, I suffer from PTSD and take medication for that, but I am doing some much better, back working, and doing this advocacy work in all part of the healing process for me. Giving back to others who need support, and I also write to my state’s government, senators, and assemblyman on children’s issues. Here in NJ, we have some good laws on the book for ‘child protection’ and limited what pedophiles can do online.
Thanks Lin, for all that you do, and thanks Teresa for sharing your story.
I have just come across your website, and I appreciate what you’re doing, but I admit that I feel very angry when I read this particular article. Perhaps there are mothers who don’t know what is happening, and all is happening in a cloud of darkness.
However, I know in my case — I was molested by my father for 16 years — that mother knew for at least 12 of those years. (My memory is cloudy on some things, but here are thngs I did know:
1) My father stopped sleeping with my mother and slept with me — either though we had a three-bedroom house, we slept together in a single bunk bed. (This is where most of the molestation took place.)
2) My father did this sleeping in the same room where my other four brothers also slept.
3) I remember clearly one incident when my mother came into the room and initiated sex with my father while I was still in the bed. (The only thing I was grateful for was that I was able to escape the room, so I did not know what eventually did happen.
I can say more, but the point is, as the one who suffered directly from my father’s actions, I have a big problem not being angry at my mother for letting this go on for 16 years. In fact, she has done many things that make me wonder if she blamed me for what had happened.
Right now, I can’t stop asking why she never did anything to act like she was my mother — no one protected me, and now I struggle with wondering if I am really a worthwhile human. Or if even God really gives a shit if I need healing or not.
I have a much greater anger towards my father for being so demented that it appearently didn’t matter what he did to me. But I can’t excuse my mother for being an accomplice in his actions.
If a mother is truly ignorant of the situation, then I can see the irrationality of blaming a mother. However, if she is sitting in the living room while her husband asks their child to drop his pants in front of everyone else in the family, so he can “examine” the child’s scrotum, and she says nothing, she owns some responsibility in the situation. For the sake of the true victim , the child, she must own her choices.
God help us all.
Kevin:
When I was a young teenager I began thinking that God put me on this earth to pleasure men. I pondered becoming a prostitute. I flet worth less, dirty and unlovable. Eventually those feeling took me to a relationship at age 14 with a 24 year old man who I eventually married, had three children with and lived a life of abuse with. No he didn’t molest my children or anyone else.
Now many years later I can say this to you with power. You are lovable, worthy and a valuable child and adult. Your parents were sick individuals who did not deserve to have you in their lives. They were sick. Ingulfed with their own lust for theirselves and their needs. You have to break away from those feelings of blame and pain. to have to love yourself. this sounds cliche but it is true. YOU WERE NOT DIRTY AND YOU ARE NOT DIRTY . YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. THEY ARE!!! Pick yourself up in child form and hug yourself. You don’t need them to do it for you, in fact with their morals it would be meaning less, embrace yourself and know you a valuable. do not use the past pain to as an excuse to fail but a reason to suceed.
Sol
Kevin, your story breaks my heart. I’m so sorry you have had to endure being molested and then add to it the fact that your mother did nothing to protect you infuriates me.
Being a mother myself, I cannot imagine any mother not doing everything within her power to shield and protect any and all of her children from molestation, rape etc from anyone who do her children harm.
Then of course there are mothers who personally sexually abuse her own son or daughter or other children. While statistics of sexual abuse show child molesters are most often men, women also become perpetrators too. It’s sickening and I often wonder what this world has come to, where mothers and/or fathers, brothers etc are hurting children within their own families as well as non-related children. The world has simply gone mad.
My heart goes out to you Kevin, and all other visitors and readers of these articles about child sexual abuse, and I hope you are able to find healing and closure (if there really is such a thing) as closure.
I have read different stories on how mothers react to child sexual abuses when it is their child..some believe and do everything possible and some don’t believe..causes more pain and suffering to the child. I am sorry when the latter happens..I know for myself, I believe my child from the time he disclosed to me that the family friend molested him.
As a mother of a sexually abused child, I suffered deeply over the fact that my child was sexually abused, I was there every step of the way for my child..working with law enforcement, walking through the criminal justice system, and working with social services agencies. I had more professional support than personal support. I had a few close family members and friends who supported me throughout the entire situation..due to the nature of this being a ‘church related’ child sexual abuse case..I felt major rejected and slander from the church..yes, I did..not all members, mostly from the leadership because they failed to reported this predator when they knew he was molested children before my child disclosed the truth…but anyway…I am in a much better place today, my child has been moving forward in his own healing, one day at a time.
Thanks again for this site..
Hi Lela, thank you for commenting. I’m so glad you had people being supportive throughout the process, as child sexual abuse cases can rip families apart as well as friends turning away in a real time of need.
I’m currently working on a list of child sexual abuse books for men, women and child victims, to help guide and direct towards healing from child sexual abuse, and hope to have it ready in the next day or two.
Thanks Lin, for all that you do for addressing child sexual abuses.
It so affects families in deep ways, taking a life time to recovery..that is why I am writing my book and my experiences as a mother of a sexually abused child. To share and help others to heal.
Glad I found this site!
Hello, Kevin, my heart goes out to you on a deeply personal level.First of all, as a victum of both childhood and adult sexual abuse, and second as a mother of children wo were abused. I had (and still to some degree), many of the same thoughts about my own mother. Many of the men who molested me, I’m sure she didn’t know about, but, when I came forward and told her, athogh she told me that she believed me, she didn’t do anything about it.I had alot of resentment,anger,and a general feeling that noyone really cared about me or understood. I started drinking, expiremented with drugs,got into self mutilation, just ANYTHING that I thought would help me feel “normal”(whatever that is).My self esteem was so shot, that I literally was afraid to look up at people , especially when someone was talking to me.The abuse carried over into 2 abusive marriages, which thank God, I somehow found the stengh to get out of.I thought that I was being careful with the care of my kids, thinking that they would be safer with a family member than anyone. When my kids came forward, although I was in total shock, I made sure that they knew that I believed them, and that NONE of it was thier fault, and that I understand that that may feel angry toward me because even though I didn’t know, children exspect thier parents to protect them, and they have the right to express those feelings even though it maybe hard to hear, just as adults, we still have the right to express and own our feelings toward people who have hurt us, whether intentional or not, because that is the only way to ever get to a place where one can feel a least somewhat “normal” in a world that is anything but. God bless and keep you always.
Hi Teresa, I’m so glad to hear that you’ve been able to find some healing. It’s very hard to deal with the emotions, anger, rage etc after being sexually abused. Not only for the children, who are often so confused and unfortunately blame themselves for one reason or another, and then to have parents not really believe their children is so incredibly painful.
I wish I had included in this article the fact that some mothers DO molest their children, but I was so caught up in the emotion of being a mother who never knew it was happening that it didn’t occur to me to actually say, “some mothers DO molest their son or daughter”.
I can’t even imagine how horrendous that would be, for the very people who are supposed to love and protect their own children to actually be the perpetrators of the abuse.
Hopefully child sexual abuse survivors will find healing and comfort in the books I’ve got ready to go LIVE tomorrow morning. It is my hope and prayer that it is the case. Some of the books I’ve listed are books I had read myself, having been a victim/survivor myself, and other books I read about building self esteem helped as well. Thankfully, I’ve come a very long way in healing the pain from the past, and am able to write articles to try and help others who have been through much the same thing or similar.
Hi Lin, I need some advice about my oldest son. He has been in an SO program since Feb.Until about 3 weeks ago, I have not been allowed to have any contact with him.He and his thearapist called me and said that he wasn’t ready to talk to me before because he has alot of anger toward me for not protecting him, along with guilt and shame for going along with my nephew and his own abuse of other children. I’m afraid that when I get to talk to him again, that I’ll say something to upset him, because they say he is still very defensive and angry, and still dosen’t take responsibility for his actions. We’re supposed to go to court in Nov. for custody and visitation to be reviewed. I’m trying to get custody back, but I know that he still has a long way to go with his treatment. I am also concerned about him being around his sibilings later on. It almost feels like I’m having to “pick and choose” between my kids, and it seems so unfair, but as his mother, I can’t just abandon him either. Is there any advice that you can give me on this extremely volatile situation?
Hi Teresa, a couple of things in your comment disturb me about your son. I re-read your previous comments, but didn’t find where you mention your son’s current age, which may have a determining affect on what I might suggest.
“He has alot of anger toward me for not protecting him, along with guilt and shame..” over sexually abusing other children, and he “still hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions”.
He is in an S.O. program, which provides counseling for sex offenders. Personally speaking, I’m not convinced that treatment and counseling for sex offenders actually works, and while the “recidivism rates” for sexual offenses are lower than other criminal offenses, there is still the percent of sex offenders who DO re-offend and end up back in jail/prison, as well as the new victims of their crimes.
You should be and need to be concerned about his being around your other children, and anyone else’s children for that matter.
His not taking responsibility for his choices and actions is HUGE. But, simply telling his counselors and/or others that he HAS finally taken full responsibility for the things he did to children doesn’t make it true, genuine and honest. One of the things counselors work hard to accomplish in the S.O. counseling classes is to get the offender to admit to what they did and take responsibility for it. There is spoken and unspoken pressure for S.O.’s to verbally admit to what they did, and to say they take full responsibility for what they did in order to “complete the program”. But, whose to say the S.O. actually MEANS it, as opposed to just saying it for the sake of saying it, and to get the counselors to stop talking about it?
Believe me Teresa, I know all too well about how hard this is for you. My own son, who was sexually abused by the minister, later sexually abused his sister while I was at work and the kids were in the care of my mother. My daughter disclosed the abuse two years later, he went to juvenile detention for four years and then to a half-way house, because there was NO WAY I was going to allow him back into my home to have a chance in hell of repeating the abuse. It was only a year ago that another daughter of mine disclosed that he had molested her as well all those years ago. Believe me, I know how you feel.
While in juvenile detention and receiving S.O. counseling, he finally “admitted” to abusing his sister. Once he “completed the program” and was released and sent to the half-way house, he denied everything and began a storm of lies and manipulations to smear his sister amongst family and friends, saying HE was the victim of “her lies” about him. He also denies doing anything to his other sister.
I also know how you feel about “picking and choosing” between your kids. If you take him back into your home, the chances that you would be given custody of the other kids would be slim to none (in my opinion), leaning more towards none.
He made horrible choices that affect the lives of your other children now and in the future. I would strongly recommend that under NO circumstances should you allow your son to live in your home with you and the other children, or allow him to spend one single, solitary moment alone at any time with your children. Not even for a split second to go to the bathroom.
The kind of relationship (if any) that you will have with your son in the future is unknown at this time. Your priority has to be protect the other kids from spending any time alone with him, until they all reach the age of 18 or 21, whichever is adulthood in your state.
You aren’t abandoning him by taking strong steps. You are protecting your children from him repeating the abuse. Be very, very careful about instantly trusting anything and everything he says. You can be emotionally supportive of his efforts to rebuild his life, but do so with some emotional restraint in order to protect yourself from mental and emotional manipulations that sex offenders are so good at. You don’t want to find yourself being “groomed” by your own son to trust him with your children or other people’s children, only to find out later that he did it all over again.
Hi again, my son just turned 12 on Sept. 1. He is also a special needs child, having been diagnosed with bipolar NOS with psychotic features, ADHD, ODD, and cognitive distortion since age 4. When the abuse by my nephew happened, he was 9. Now he has told his thearapist that it actually started when he was about 3 or 4 when my nephew would come and stay for visits with my ex husband while iI worked on weekends. With his mental illnesses, I’m not sure how his mind is able to process information . I’m hopeful that because he is still young, with the right intervention, he may not turn out to be a molester when he reaches adulthood, but I don’t know what the statistics are for someone his age. I already have custody of 3 out of the 5 kids. They are doing well, considering the circumstances. My oldest daughter is in a treatment facility in Tennessee for her psychiatric disorders, which are similar but not as severe as my sons. 4 out of 5 have been diagnosed with either mood disorders or bipolar, and are all high maintainance kids, but they are also beautiful, smart, and to me, a real blessing. I just want to be as much of a mother as I possibly can to all of them, and I want to ensure that they all have the proper psychological and educational help, and that they are all safe and stable.With the exception of my youngest, I’ve had to fill the role of both parents to these kids for most of thier lives, and although I’m doing everything from counseling, medications, Dr. and psychiatrist, trying to get special ed services through the school system for 2 of them (which has been a huge obstacle for the past yr. or so), I still feel that I can and should be doing more, but I don’t know what or how.
Wow, that’s a lot to have to handle. BiPolar Disorder is a major contributor to all sorts of problems during childhood and adulthood. My son claimed to have been diagnosed with BiPolar as well when he was in juvenile detention, but since neither me or his father was ever directly consulted or informed of any such diagnoses or testing, I have no concrete information on whether he’s telling the truth about that or not. Although I inquired about it at the time, I was told that since he was in jail, he was a “ward of the state” and they had no responsibility or obligation to tell me anything about tests or diagnoses made. All I do know is that he was prescribed medication to take, but has always refused taking the meds.
Is there any information yet as to when he is expected to be released, and/or where they are considering placing him after his release? His age at the time of release is important in determining where he will live, and then there are the various legal restrictions that likely will be placed on him, such as possibly having to register as a sex offender and the associated problems that come with being on such a registry for the S.O. and the family. I just hope for your other children’s sake that there are no plans to place your son back in your home, where he could possibly re-offend. There’s just too many risks of it happening again, with threats of bodily harm being used to silence victims etc. If he is released before he turns 18, I’d do everything in my power to have him accepted into a treatment center/residential treatment center where he can continue with his education and counseling for better chances of success, and absolutely not take him back into your home. If he’s 18 or older at the time of release, he can go straight into a half-way house, get a job and begin taking the necessary steps towards rebuilding his life and actually PROVING himself without placing the other children in possible harms way. The fact that he’s BiPolar (regardless of whether he takes his medications or not) tells me he has a very, very long way to go.
I’ve done quite a lot of reading about BiPolar over the last few years, and there’s still so many unknowns about the disorder and the “prognosis” for their future and their relationships with other people are often volatile to say the least. The things you’ve done already, the counseling, medications for BiPolar Disorder etc is pretty much the extent of what I know that can be done for those dealing with it.
His expected release date is Jan. 09, depending on his progress. He didn’t get any charges placed against him becaused he went into treatment, and his age and psy. was also considered a factor. The thearapist has said that right now, he is still percieved as a possible threat to others, so there isn’t any recommendations at this time as to where he would be placed after his release. I’m not trying to place him back in the home , but I want to have a say in the treatment / placement for him, because I worry about him being subjected to abuse. He will need to be with people who are trained to work with speacial needs children, as well as be familiar with the sexual abuse component in order for him to have a chance of becoming successful.Many of the children who have went through treatment at the facility have been returned to thier homes, but it’s a long process and alot of rules and changes in the home environment to ensure supervision and therapy following a patients release.It’s all pretty intense.
That makes perfect sense that you would want a say in where he is placed. I did a quick search for “sexual abuse treatment centers” and it appears there are quite a large number of choices available in various states, but of course you’d want to check them out in order to ensure your son is safe and would be well cared for. I’m not even sure how you would go about checking them out for any complaints etc other than the Better Business Bureau. I’d love to know what you find out and the resources you used to check out treatment centers etc by dropping me an email through my Contact Me form when the decisions have all been made. It might make for a very important resource article here one day for victims and victims families.
[...] Mother Blame: Blaming Mothers of Sexually Abused Children [...]
Thank you for this article! Wow, it is a bit comforting to know that as a mother of an abused child, I am not alone in feeling that I, too am abused. It has been over 4 years and all the strong emotions are still with me.
Hi Maria,
I completely understand how you feel about it. Society in general is so quick to judge the mother as not having paid enough attention to her children in order to protect them from being abused, but no parent can be with their child 24/7. There are mothers and fathers (and other relatives and friends etc) that do sexually abuse their own children or relatives children and it just blows my mind that there are such people in this world. I cannot fathom how a mother or a father can hurt their own flesh and blood this way, and it’s very upsetting to know that innocent children are being hurt and scarred by their own mother or father. It just breaks my heart.
Maria, I don’t know if those strong emotions you’re feeling will ever go away. A couple of years ago, someone brought up to me the subject of my son having been molested almost twenty years ago at this point, and I too felt my body stiffen and become tense with the feelings and emotions being front-and-center of my mind. It’s been many years now that this happened to my son, but when the subject is brought up or I hear these things on the news, all of the feelings and emotions I described in this article come right back to me.
No, you are not alone. Not one bit.
[...] Help Pass the PROTECT Our Children Act 1738 Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talking to Your Children About Sexual Abuse Child Sexual Abuse-Facts VS. Myths Child Molestation Prevention-Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse The Profile of A Pedophile-Identifying Characteristics and Behaviors of Child Molesters Launching Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series Child Sexual Abuse: Blaming Mothers of Sexually Abused Children [...]
well, at last found a site that deals with exactly what I am facing. ‘Mother blame’ My children spoke to me saying they were abused and I was told to write down all they said and keep everything. Defence attorneys of the other side forced, by court order further assessments by Psychol and that was it, I was blamed for all the behaviours of the children and not only that, I was blamed for ’scripting’ which is major! That means they say I had made up the abuse and taught it to my kids. can you believe it. just recently they have said seeing there is no proof of abuse, access should be given and I face that right now, during the next week. I have stood for the whole truth and stood my ground and yet as a mother who nurtures and cares for my children, being held responsible for something I never did, not funny!! Somewhere one has to believe the TRUTH will come out. But having a thick report against you as a mom, accusing of things you dont know how to even define. The only way forward is to stand for what you have done all along, stick to the truth and carry on. My faith in God as been strengthened greatly through this experence, and much faith is needed to get through this season.
Shelly, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Mother blame is sheer torture for any mom whose child was sexually abused. To be accused and blamed for a crime the mother had nothing to do with and didn’t even know the abuse was going on is beyond insanity. That’s what defense attorneys just love to do during sexual abuse cases – cast doubt on the mother and make it appear as though the mother knew about the abuse and perhaps that she actually participated in the abuse herself.
I hope you have a very good lawyer with an understanding heart and empathy for your situation, cuz those bast….. attorneys can really create havoc for mothers of sexually abused children. Stand strong and firm Shelly. The truth will come out, somehow, some way. Hugs to you and your child while you try to sort this all out.
I am horrified that you claim that the only person to blame is the perpetrator. I survived 20 years of sexual abuse by my father while my mother did nothing. She told him to ‘put my shirt back on’ on occasion but did not a thing to help. And she was aware of it happening to me for years. I also hold the hundreds of people that had passed through my life for those 20 years, some of whom knew and did nothing, accountable. Lets be honest here. People don’t care about child sexual abuse. They claim to when they see it on television, but when they find out that someone they once trusted is a molester, they play denial and pretend its not happening.
Julie, I believe the perpetrator is not just the person(s) who actually molested or raped a child, but anyone who knowingly allows sexual abuse to occur or continue to happen is just as guilty as the person who physically touched a child.
Any mother, or any family member, friend, acquaintance or perfect stranger etc who knows about the abuse and does nothing to stop it should be criminally charged and held accountable to the fullest extent of the law.
For your mother to tell your dad to put your shirt back on and not do anything to help you, or any of those others you say knew about the abuse and did nothing, all of them are accountable for their actions of not protecting you.
You have every right to be angry at every single one of the people who knew about what was happening to you and did nothing to help you. I’d be pretty pissed off too. People do care, including me.
It hurts me deeply, knowing how bad it is when a child is sexually abused..after going through what I did with my child. I do care about others who have gone through this, that is why I am developing a carreer/ministry in the area of child sexual abuse/victim’s right advocacy.
As a mother, I have been so lied about..some have blamed me for the abuse of my child..which I had nothing to do with it..I was the one who turned in the predator when he arrived at my home, I saw the police take him away..I worked with two different prosecutor’s offices..local law enforcement..Interpol, FBI, US Customs, and social services agencies..for both criminal justice work and for recovery and healing for my child.
I am here for you to whom have been abused. You can check out my profile/blogs by clicking on my name. There you will read about who I am and my experiences with both sexual assaults and domestic violence.
You are not alone!
Hi Lela, thank you for your contribution to the discussion. I edited your comment in order to make your name be linkable to your profile mentioned in your comment, since those who create links in their comments end up in the spam folder automatically.
Thanks Lin..I am very concerned for all these many children who have experienced child sexual abuses..it takes a life time of recovery and healing..I live with watching my child recover..’one day at a time’..some days are very hard to cope with..bless you..
Well, I am going to tell it like it really is:
Give me a break. There are PLENTY of mothers who are to be blamed in cases of child sexual abuse. It angers me to no end when I hear about “blameless mothers.” I myself was sexually abused by both my aunt (my mother’s sister) for the duration of her stay with us and by my father from the age of seven to fourteen. My mother did nothing. My aunt also sexually abused one of my brothers. In the case of my father, I am certain that my mother knew of the abuse. Trust me when I say this.
When I was about thirty, (I am now forty-seven), I told my mother about my aunt. She did not believe me. When my brother told her it was true and that he was abused himself, she feigned concern. I say “feigned” because, one or two years later, she invited this same aunt to another brother’s wedding.
When I was around thirty-three, I told her about the sexual abuse by my father. She acted concerned, then, a few days later, said I was a liar. To make a very long story short, I ultimately pressed charges and went to trial. Although I knew that he would get off, it was something that I had to do. As expected, my mother lied on the stand and sided with the defense – even though she had been divorced from my father for almost fifteen years. Total strangers came up to me and asked “what kind of mother do you have?!” The answer is: I never had a mother. Just because a woman gives birth, does not mean that she should procreate. Similarly, just because a man is capable of ejaculating and impregnating a woman, does not mean that he is capable of loving that child.
Just for your information, when I went to trial regarding the abuse, I was told by the police that it is quite common for mothers of sexual abuse victims to side with the accused. I also discovered that there is a legacy of physical and sexual abuse in my family and that my father sexually abused other family members. Thankfully, I have cut off all ties with my family and have not spoken to them in thirteen years. It was the best decision of my life.
I have talked to so many survivors of sexual abuse and the story is the same: all of them acknowledge that their mothers knew of the abuse and did nothing. One woman I know was adopted by a family and ultimately sexually abused by all four of her brothers. When she told her mother, her response was to punch her daughter in the mouth. The abuse continued for two more years until the woman moved out at the age of sixteen. Also, I knew of a young man who was sexually abused by his mother’s father and brother. When he disclosed, he was told by his mother that he had “brought it on himself.” I could go on and on, but I do not have the time.
One thing that really irritates me is the argument that we should not fault these mothers because they may have been abused themselves. What if it is the father who turns a blind eye to the sexual abuse of his child? Would one be so quick to say “well, he was abused himself, so we should not blame him”? I don’t think so. There is a double standard here. As stated, I have been abused, and, I can tell you right now that, if I had a child and anyone lifted a finger to harm that child, that person would be sorry that he was ever born. No one would harm me, let alone any child of mine. Any predator would know it and would not even consider dating me!!!
Having a child is a blessing, but this “maternal myth”, as I call it (i.e. the belief that mothers possess innate love towards their children) has got to stop. There are countless numbers of mothers who are to be blamed for the sexual abuse of their children, either by being the perpetrators themselves, or by doing nothing about the abuse. There are many women who are so hung up on the notion that they have to have a man because they are lacking in self esteem or frightened of being financially unable to fend for themselves. Unfortunately, it is these women who would be willing to sacrifice the psychological well-being, the very life of their children.
In closing, I have to say that I find it very difficult to believe that a mother does not know that her own child is being sexually abused right under her own roof. There are signs that sexually abused children exhibit. Perhaps these women need to open their eyes.
Birdie, it isn’t very often that I hear stories such as yours. What you went through, as well as the others you’ve mentioned, is heart-wrenching and incomprehensible to anyone with a heart.
I agree that there are some mothers who sexually abuse children and your feelings about your mother are quite understandable.
Not all children who have been sexually abused in some way show any of the common Signs of having been sexually abused, and there are many mothers who have/had no idea that their child was being molested in any way.
Non-offending mothers should not be blamed or ridiculed by anyone as having some responsibility for the abuse that took place. Non-offending mothers need and deserve society’s empathy, compassion and support.
Offending mothers, or mothers who sexually children, should most definitely be blamed and punished to the fullest extent of the law. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been put through. I truly hope the best for you in your healing Birdie.
Hi Lin,
Thank you for your response. I would like to say that my story is not unique in any way, shape or form. There are plenty of stories that I have heard that make my childhood look like the Brady Bunch. It is truly sad what some parents are capable of doing to their own children.
I can tell that you are a truly caring person. While I do not necessarily agree with your stance, I do respect your opinion. I stand by my belief that, if a child is living under the same roof as his or her parents and is being sexually abused, the non-offending parent must have some knowledge that something is just not right. The majority of sexually abused children DO exhibit signs. Unfortunately, many parents do see these signs, but may choose to ignore them. It is true that these signs may be subtle, but parents must educate themselves.
Lin, I am sure that you have read some of the literature regarding the reactions of non-offending parents. Ann Elliott, of Radford University and Connie Carnes of the National Children’s Advocacy Center performed a literary review regarding this topic. They found that “Research suggests that mothers generally believe their children’s allegations, either totally or in part. Although the majority of mothers are supportive/protective, a substantial number are not. Even mothers who are generally supportive and protective often exhibit inconsistent and ambivalent responses.”
Robert Reese M.D. wrote a book entitled “Treatment of Child Abuse: Common Ground for Mental Health, Medical, and Legal Practitioners.” He specifically writes about family dynamics following disclosure. According to Dr. Reese, responses are highly charged and varied and he found that “non-offending parents had divided loyalty between their spouse and their child” and “tend to act in a crisis-survival mode.” He also states that “they even react in ways that are difficult for seasoned abuse professionals to understand.” The responses ranged from being skeptical about the abuse, minimizing the abuse, telling the victim about financial problems should the marriage/relationship end and supporting the offender by remaining in the relationship. However, he agrees with you that these parents should be given support because, oftentimes, they have emotional issues themselves.
Obviously this is an issue that is disturbing to many. It is also an issue that only those personally involved can truly understand. The sexual abuse of children is nothing new: it has, sadly, been around for centuries. It is only in recent times that people have begun to talk. I do know that you mean well. I truly believe that. But, I am sure that you can understand the anger that survivors, such as myself, have when we read your article. I agree with what Kevin wrote: “For the sake of the true victim, the child, she [the mother] must own her choices.”
Just for your information and for anyone else who is concerned about the welfare of children, here is a fabulous link to a website aimed at kids who may be experiencing abuse. This website has been produced by the Children’s Aid Societies of Ontario, Canada. Place your cursor over each child and you will get information regarding different forms of abuse and their signs. After you read the information, click on the “RETURN” link at the bottom of the page and place your cursor over another child for more information: http://www.useyourvoice.ca/english.html
Take care.
Birdie, thank you very much for that link. Yes, I’ve read much of what you’re mentioning here, the books and literature etc.
After reading and writing about the Protect Our Children Act 1738 talked about recently on Oprah’s show about sexually abused children and the tremendous increase of online trafficking of sexually explicit images of children being sexually abused, I am disgusted with both men and women who abuse children, regardless of whether these children are their own or not. The world has gone nuts, to say the least.
After writing that article about the protection act for children that has passed in Congress recently, it’s extremely upsetting to me personally to see the numbers of child molesters and pedophiles coming to my site looking for information on how to abuse children and not get caught, which I can see through the website analytical software I use.
I do wish I had taken much more time to consider and review how I wrote this article before publishing it. I do understand that some mothers and grandmothers, cousins and aunts do sexually abuse their own children and other children, and as a mother I can tell you it makes me sick to my stomach to think anyone would choose to hurt children this way or in any way at all.
Birdie, I wish you all the best life can offer. God bless!
Hi,
I have been reading some of the comments about mothers here. I totally blame my mom. I was raped repeatedly beginning at age 5, by Mom’s brother. There is strong evidence that Mom knew her brother molested kids when she was a girl, she is now 75. At 6 I was molested by my father, while my mom watched. She said nothing, did nothing, and so it continued. My mom’s step father kissed me for a long 5 minutes with my mom standing beside us, watching. I was scolded when he let me go. Mom said “don’t you ever let him do that again young lady.” My mom witnessed the abusers and the abuse and then chose to blame me for it all. She abandoned me as a mother at age 6, resenting me and hating me then and continues it to this day. I have recently confronted her, not forwhat was inflicted upon me by the others, but what she herself has inflicted upon me. Her response was just to make me out to be a liar, and she is concocting a slander/harrassment suit, if she hears from me ever again concerning this. I have one brother, and four sisters, and only one of them will speak to me at all. One sister said I was bringing up childish, petty things that happened 40+ years ago, and she works at a school with children. I confronted my mom to save what sanity I had left, and in the process, have lost my family. Again I am the blame, and the liar. I would just like my mom to be responsible for her part in the sexual abuse, for not protecting me from the abusers and abuse, for abandoning me, physically and verbally abusing me so violently, and not loving me. I don’t know what to do, or if there is anything I can do.
Rita, this is appalling and it breaks my heart and I can’t even imagine how it must make you feel inside. As a mother of six children, I cannot fathom how any mother could stand by and knowingly allow her child to be sexually abused and do nothing to protect her children. Then to realize the long history of sexual abuse within families and the secrecy that often goes on, and also threats of various kinds that sometimes prevent children from telling about the abuse they endured until well into adulthood is simply staggering. Then, such as yourself, for your mother to blame you for what was done to you is sickening and disgusting.
Unfortunately, I don’t see any way of you being able to get the closure you are needing directly from your mother. If she hasn’t taken responsibility for her actions at this point in her life, I highly doubt she ever will. And I’m sooo sorry for that. I don’t see any way for you to “get through to her” and get her to admit her part, especially since she’s threatened a slander lawsuit against you. I’m sorry to say, it does appear from what you describe here that the family has broken down to the point where I don’t see any possible way of reconciliation at all. They choose to blame you, but you know full well that the abuse you suffered was not your fault. You were an innocent child who was taken advantage of in disgusting ways. And no one stood up for you. I would like to hope that your mom would open up to you about what happened, and not when she’s on her deathbed, and find some way of restoring the relationship. I just don’t see it happening, not at her age and not at this stage of her life.
Rita, I do wish you much happiness and healing from the abuse you suffered as a child. No one should ever be put through what you’ve gone through, or others have gone through at the hand of their own mother or another family member or family friend. It really does break my heart to know there are mothers who would sexually abuse their children, or do nothing to stop the abuse/protect their children.
I agree with Lin..it breaks my heart to hear when children are sexually abused by a family and the mother knows and does nothing about it.
I pray healings for those who have been through such experiences. That they can use these experiences to help others to heal as well.
Anything a child is sexually abuse, it breaks my heart. That is why I do what I do, sharing my story and became an advocate for child who are abused.
I am mother who did not know my child was being sexually abused. But..believe me when I say..that went this criminal case went to trial, I was looked upon as ‘knowing it by the defense lawyer and had to go through this extremely difficult experience in court for two days. Jurors could have looked upon me as a ‘bad’ mother. But I had God on my side and the truth came forth in the court.
Even today, over one year ago since the trial and sentencing of the predator…I heard reports that people are blaming me for my child’s sexual abuse from the former church (the one who mishandled this sexual abuse case by leadership in thier own cover up of the truth).
I am secure enough in the Lord, to know that such things no longer bother me anymore and that I am a good mother.
God bless you all.
I was sexually abused as a child…and its a fact that my mother does have a role in allowing that. She did suspect, but was in denial because she has issues believing her children were anything but extensions of her.
I tried on some levels to tell her…she said “don’t sit to close to that uncle then” and said allowed to herself while giving a big smile “no no this cant be happening”.
The abuse continued for about 2 years on weekends when this uncle would drop by while my stay at home mother was in the kitchen cooking or preparing some tea.
She definitely was a enabler due to her own personality disorders and denial…apart from above I was touched inappropriately 100’s of times in crowds…my mom thought only she needed to be protected with my dad walking behind her…my childhood was a nightmare.
Let’s not blanket either way. I am a mother of two girls and am very cautious and prudent in what I allow. Off late, I think there may have been something happening off late at my daughter’s friends place…and I didnt sleep all night and am working on it. I want to say is it might still happen…but please please mothers this is a huge reality, much more bigger than most of us want to believe…protect your kids..
Hi Audrey,
I don’t know which is worse, a mother who refuses to help her child after discovering (or told) their child has been sexually abused, or a mother who actually sexually abuses her son or daughter. When I hear about mothers and fathers blaming the child for the sexual abuse, as if the child somehow “seduced” the perpetrator, it makes me so angry.
Parents, please do keep aware of what is going on with your children. If you think there’s something sexual going or you suspect your child has been sexually abused, more often not it turns out to be true.
Dear Lin. I just thought I’d update you on my son’s progress. I was awarded joint custody of him in Nov. He wasn’t responding well to the treatment he had been recieving since feb.2008, so he was transferred to a level 5 facility in feb.2009. They discovered that he has PDD on top of his other disorders. It is a form of autism. Since he’s been at the new facility, he has made great progress. Thier treatment plan for length of stay is usually 12-15 mnths, then they are transitioned to a step down residential facility to help prepared them for release into society. His dr’s think that because of his age and disabilities, that he was simply acting out what he was shown by my nephew, and that he didn’t realize that it was wrong, or that he was hurting anyone. To him, it was like a game. They are optimistic that they can help him so that he won’t ever reoffend. Still, there are no plans for him to return to my home. My brother will be going to court with me today to see if he can obtain custody when my son is releaseed. We are going for a review on his progress. At least, now I’m able to have contact with him, and I’m involved in his treatment process. Take care and God bless.
Teresa
Teresa,
I’m glad to hear that your son is getting the help he needs, and that the custody issue was handled so that you would have at least joint custody of your son. Hopefully with the care and attention he’s now receiving, he will continue to make good progress so that when the time comes that he is able to be released, he’ll be able to move on with his life and be healthy and happy. Good for you and your son Teresa.
More recently I have been challenged by a ongoing issues, where the abusive ex husband has been making statements through varies communications, in regards to my son’s sexual abuse that happen serveral years ago. He has for the beginning, blamed me for our son being sexually abused and his hasn’t stopped harassing me about it. This is not uncommon with abusers. Everything thing that he has done against me in regard of blame, has been doucmented with local police. I am one who strongly believes in documenting incidents of harassment. I don’t know if anyone else has dealt with an issue of this kind, where the other parent clearly blamed you for the abuse of your child, when you clearly had nothing to do with it. I was the one who reported the predator and the predator is in jail for 18 years. Also this predator molested children in the Philippines, I find this out and reported the predator to Interpol and the FBI. So I have a strong committment in keeping our children safe. No threats or comments from the ex husband will keep me from combating Child Sexual Abuses. I am a advocate for the abused! We need an abuse free world for our children.
On a good note, I am in the process of obtaining my BA in Criminal Justice, for working in the field of Child Advocacy/Victim’s Rights. It’s time for me to move forward and help other victims of Sexual Assaults and Domestic Violence.