When I first announced that I was launching a series of articles about child safety and child sexual abuse issues, I wasn’t quite prepared for the number of emails I received from people wanting to not only express their appreciation that I’m doing this series, but several of them wanted to tell me their personal story of being a victim of sexual abuse, but didn’t feel comfortable leaving a public comment on the post. You may be wondering why I’m even doing this series, since the subject of sexually abused children tends to send chills down the spine of most parents, including mine.
I’ll tell you why I’m doing these posts. I was a victim of sexual abuse when I was a young child, and when I became an adult I did a tremendous amount of research on the subject in order to learn the facts about children being sexually abused, so I could do everything possible to protect my own children from ever becoming a victim.
But, it didn’t work. Despite knowing the statistics and all the known signs and symptoms of child sexual abuse; understanding the “grooming” methods child molesters often use on intended victims; teaching and reminding my children about “good touch, bad touch” on a regular basis; having excellent communication with my children; one of my sons was sexually abused at a young age by a highly respected church minister and close family friend, inside the church we attended at that time.
If you think it is only necessary to watch out for “strangers” who might want to hurt your child, you would be mistaken. You know, “stranger danger” and all that jazz. That is a myth, so forget that idea. Having been abused myself, and being the mother of a child who was sexually abused, I have a lot to say to people who are either uninformed, misinformed, or completely and utterly clueless.
4 Common Myths about Child Sexual Abuse:
Myth #1: You believe that since you live in a nice, safe neighborhood, where you know all your neighbors on a first name basis, and your children play with their children, hanging out at each other’s houses etc, that all is well on the home front.
Fact: Child sexual abuse can happen anywhere, in any neighborhood, in every religion or church group, covering all racial boundaries or ethnic groups, and it certainly doesn’t matter how rich or poor you are. You can live in a beautiful, gated-community of homes worth millions of dollars, and your child is still not protected from being molested or abused.
According to the U.S. Department of Justice national statistics, 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will become victims of sexual abuse by the time they reach their 18th birthday. Not only that, but statistics show that children in elementary school are the most vulnerable and likely targets, and children with disabilities have even higher risk factors. That’s not good news for parents with little children, making it vitally important for parents to become educated about the prevalence of child sexual abuse in society today, without becoming completely paranoid about it.
Myth #2: You have already talked with your children about not allowing anyone to touch their private parts, perhaps even calling those body parts by their proper name, and you believe that’s pretty much all there is to do. You may even have said to your children something like, “No matter what, you can always tell me anything that is on your mind, and I will believe you”.
Fact: Sexual abuse occurs by forcing or manipulating a child in a way that allows the sexual offender to touch the child’s private parts (which may or may not include penetration), or takes photo’s of children without any clothes on, or when an offender exposes themselves to a child, etc. Children need to be taught about sexual abuse, and they need to learn and know the words “sexual abuse”. Listen, you can tell your children over and over about “good touch vs. bad touch” and proper names of body parts, but if your child doesn’t know the correct terminology, how are they going to know how to tell you they were “sexually abused”?!
Myth #3: Most sexual abuse cases are committed by people who are complete strangers to you or your child.
Fact: Closely monitoring the online database for sex offenders who may have moved into your neighborhood simply isn’t enough. 85-90% of child sexual abuse cases are committed by trusted family members and close friends. That includes fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, cousins, babysitters, daycare workers, boyfriends of single mom’s, fellow church members and clergy, and so on.
If I have to write a thousand more posts about sexually abused children, to make it crystal clear who the most likely offenders are, I will write them gladly if it will help just one more parent develop greater awareness to this issue.
Myth #4: You believe that your child would automatically tell you that he or she had been sexually abused. You may say to yourself, “My child and I have such great communication, that I KNOW my child would come and tell me immediately”.
Fact: Most sexually abused children do not tell anyone they were abused, even when directly asked by parents or other authority figures. Victims of sexual abuse are often too afraid that the news will hurt their parents, or they are afraid of not being believed, or they were threatened in some way by the offender.
While some schools offer programs that provide useful information and resources, for children and parents alike, the responsibility of educating children about sexual abuse belongs to the parents. And by the way, sexual abuse does occur in schools too!
Were you a victim of child sexual abuse at some point in your life? Are you a parent of a child who was sexually abused, perhaps now dealing with the agony of not knowing it was happening? Even if you personally have never been abused in this way, I can promise you that someone you know has been victimized sexually, but they just haven’t told you their personal story.
Further Reading-
Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse
The Profile of A Pedophile: Identifying Characteristics and Behaviors of Child Molesters
Launching the Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series
Why Kids Don’t Tell? Talking to Your Children about Sexual Abuse
Sexual Abuse Books-Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse-Healing Sexual Abuse
(Photo by: Beppie K)
I’ve already received two direct emails since this post went public. I wanted to let anyone reading this post know that if you wish to leave a comment, or a personal story about being sexually abused, you do NOT have to leave your real name or website URL.
In the “name required” section, you are welcome to put “Anonymous” or “I was abused too” or anything along those lines.
I completely understand not wanting to leave your name, so don’t let the “name required” deter you from speaking out.
I was sexually abused by my dad’s best friend in my own home (some of it taking place at the dinner table right in front of my parents – except under the table).
Eventually I told my mum and she told me it was all in my head and I was over-reacting.
My biggest dilemma as a parent is trusting ANYONE. I don’t want my children growing up feeling like they can’t trust anyone. But it was my dad’s best friend. If my parents shouldn’t have trusted him, who do you trust.
My 7 year old daughter has been constantly invited on a play date which would involve her going to the home of a family we don’t know. While I wouldn’t want her to sleep overnight, I don’t want her to be completely restricted by my experiences either and my DH and I just don’t know how to proceed with this.
It’s so hard to find the balance between protecting our children and being over-protective.
I never thought about it that way, but I was sexually abused when I was a kid of about 8 or 9 (I’m not sure of the age). A neighborhood boy had evidently just reached puberty and used to try to get me and some friends to take a look at his erection and to touch it. I don’t think anything else ensued and I don’t think he had any orgasms in our presence, but it was bad enough. I have never told anyone about this before, in keeping with what you said. Luckily, I wasn’t affected too much by these occurrences.
HM, thank you for speaking out on this issue. People are afraid to speak out, especially if the emails I’ve received are of any indication.
One lady said she was afraid to leave a comment fearing a backlack of negative, hateful comments from people who just don’t “get it”. She went through a horrible ordeal as a child, and it lasted for several years, at the hands of her single mom’s boyfriend.
Another lady shared her personal story of being sexually abused by her older brother and one of his friends, when she was only 8 years old.
Why don’t children tell? FEAR.
When my son was being sexually abused by the minister he was told, “This is how God wants us to show our love for each other”. Then he threatened my son, and scared him into silence, by telling my son he would murder me and my now-ex husband and would make my son watch.
This topic and all those associated with child sexual abuse makes me so angry!
Mothers are often blamed when word gets out that their child has been a victim of sexual abuse. It is wrong, wrong, wrong to blame these mothers. I’ll explain more of that in an upcoming post. Argh!
Lightening, I apologize for the delay in approving your comment, as it was somehow caught by Askimet (don’t ask me how, I dunno).
I completely understand the concerns about how to protect your children and not go overboard and restrict your daughter from enjoying time with other children.
I would like to suggest that you consider inviting your daughter’s friend over to your house, where she can spend the night with your daughter (if the parents agree of course), and take the time necessary to really get to know the other family.
If that isn’t possible, I would suggest play dates where you are always there, perhaps at a playground or park where the girls can play together but under your watchful eye.
Personally, I don’t believe parents can be “too careful”.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Many victims, like myself, do not tell because they are threatened and intimidated. My abuser made me watch him kill kittens and told me that he would do the same to my parents if I told him. Later he took me to a farm and made me watch a calf being slaughtered. I didn’t speak up because I was ashamed. I didn’t tell because I was afraid he would hurt my parents.
It takes courage to share your story and I want you to know I appreciate you.
Bonnie, what a horrible ordeal you went through! My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you have been able to find some healing from being sexually abused. Thank YOU for sharing your personal story of abuse. (((Hugs)))
I, too, was sexually abused by my babysitter’s son (also our neighbor). I was only 5 at the time. He would always ask his mom if he could wake me up from my naps. He had a twin sister who helped in his little shenanigans. They thought it was funny and always asked to have me touch him or put my mouth on him or if he could touch me. They even tied me to a tree once with my pants down. I also vividly remember him “napping” with me on the living room floor with his mom in the very next room.
What gets me is that some parents are either really ignorant or just choose to live in a world of denial. My mother, well, I’m not sure. She noticed that my private areas were not normal looking. She even had me stand on a chair at the babysitter’s once with my pants down and ask about a “rash” that I had. HELLO! There were all kinds of signs. My mother states, now, that she doesn’t recall any of it. I think she’s just still in denial.
It has really affected me even into my adult life. I have a hard time being intimate with a man or physcially feeling anything. There is so little help avaialble, it seems.
Having been abused, though, I was able to recognize the signs when my boyfriends daughter showed them. Her stepfather’s brother was molesting her and her siblings (4 in total). I was completely appauled when her mother expressed how sorry she felt for him because he was sexually frustrated and no one would talk to him about sex. Oh, I wanted to slap her. After he received counselling, they continued to let him stay in their home. I just can’t imagine having to continually face someone who had done that to me time and time again.
I think, too, as someone else stated, I’m weary of everyone now. I wouldn’t let my children stay at other people’s houses. I constantly leary of people who want the kids to sit on their laps all the time. I watch people closely to see how they interact with the kids. I never trust anyone.
I thank God there are people like you out there talking about this.
Keep talking about the issue everyone. Raising consciousness and busting open the social taboos around open discussion will help to keep our kids safe.
Excellent article Lin.
I think it is great you are bringing attention to this subject! Wonderful post and keep it up!
Jess, Thank you for sharing your personal story of having been sexually abused. More and more victims of abuse need to speak out, rather than continuing the cycle of secrecy so prevalent today.
Megan and Jenna, Thank you both for your support.
I will continue to do these type articles, and I sincerely hope victims who read these posts will find the courage to speak out.
Sexual abuse needs to be talked about more openly & shouldn’t be seen as anything taboo or to be ashamed of. It’s like any other disease, yet because of the stigma that circulates around it, it often goes undiagnosed and people/families are unable to handle it. Then you have children who grow up to be adults and who either also become victimizers or feel that somehow the experience scarred them and affects their entire lives. We’ve got to deflate the tires on that vehicle.
P.D., thank you for speaking out on this issue if sexual abuse. You’re right, far too many people, especially victims of sexual abuse don’t speak out and talk about what happened to them.
I’ve seen many personal stories of sexual abuse online, mostly by grown adults who are talking about what happened to them many years ago as children, for the very first time.
It’s time the stigma and negativity of sexual abuse stop, so more victims feel safe to speak out, and not allow fear to keep them from talking about what happened to them.
I cannot thank you enough for doing this series. It is extremely important to understand that it can happen to your child.
Hi Kim,
Child sexual abuse does happen, and many parents have children who were or are being abused right now and simply don’t know.
Parents cannot afford to have the mindset of, “It could never happen to my child”, that would be a dangerous position to take as a mother or father.
Kim, this is a obviously a very difficult subject to read about, but it’s even harder to write about being a survivor of child sexual abuse and being the mother of a victim. Especially when you consider the number of people in society who tend to “mother blame”, putting the responsibility on mothers that their children were abused due to neglect or not paying close enough attention. Hogwash!
Hello, after reading your posts I am compelled to share with you information on a book that I wrote . I too am a survivor and I am speaking out through the power of the written word.
My book not only deal with the impact of childhood sexual abuse BUT shares how you can heal. You can take the rest of your life back! If you are ready to heal, my book, “Still Scarred, Totally Healed” can help you.
If you have children and want additional resources on how to protect your children, I invite you to visit join a movement I started.
Mothers Against Sexual Assault (MASA) in an effort to help moms protect their kids. I can identify with being a child victim and mom of one. This issue is real, but we can take a stand, starting today. It’s time to sound the alarm. Enough is enough.
Should you choose to visit my site please click on the link that says, “Kids and Strangers”. Kids and Stranger is a television production company that made a very inspirational, educational and relevant DVD to help us to deal with this issue. I am partnering with them to help bring awareness & clarity to the issue.
Thanks for reading and God bless.
This is such a great post. It’d be great if more people talked about things like this. Hopefully, your tips will help someone out there. This type of abuse is happening everyday in our country, and parents need to know that it can happen to any child. They need to be active in watching for the signs. Hopefully they can catch it before it starts. Thanks for such a wonderful post!
Patrina, thank you for stopping by and bringing this information to us. I will be checking out your book and the MASA group, as well as the Kids and Strangers” program.
Wow!! What a powerful post and all of you who have replied to it has given me the I need to tell my story. I was looking for some articles on how to stop enabling my adult daughter when I noticed this link. When she was 9 her brother started to sexualy abuse her. It continued until she saw a program on TV that talked about what was ok sex and what was not ok sex. At that point she told her brother to stop and he did. My husband nor I noticed any behavior changes and she did not tell anyone for a long time. It did affect her life in many ways and when she finally told someone after many years of family counceling and individual counceling,and having been in and out of several mental health hospitals. She was 16 and we were shocked and devistated. We asked why she never said anything and it was because she thought we knew and he stopped when she told him to. That was a real blow in the gut. But here is the worst yet. After working through that pain and anger I thought we were all recovering and doing fine. I only found this out a year ago so I’m still working on my recoverery as is my daughter.My husband who was an alcoholic ( which he died from at age 52 in ’99) had been letting his friends touch her. I can’t tell you the anger that I feel inside,and because of this and the past situations I have felt sorry for my daughter and have given in to her whims and wants, and always being there to “fix” everything because I hadn’t been there when she needed me most. I see now that I have done wrong by controling her life. The way I looked at it,( I came from an alcoholic family where I was physically and verbally abused)I did not want her to feel any more pain or hurt. I would make everything ok, but instead I didn’t let her grow and learn the consequences of her actions or take care of herself.Now we have both come to a point where we are drained and just can’t do it anymore.
I told her I couldn’t fix her problems and she needed to get help for herself, by herself. With that said she started to blame me for not being there when the abuses happened. She is getting help and I’m looking.
Anonymous, thank you for telling your personal story. I know all too well the difficulty involved with being a mother of a sexually abused child,
so I applaud your speaking out.
It’s very easy to get into a situation where children try to use past experiences as a way to control and manipulate parents, or try to “guilt” parents into doing what the child wants. Don’t fall for it. Your daughter knows the pain you experienced and the difficulties you’ve faced in trying to heal from the past. Don’t let her manipulate or control you into doing things for her that she should be doing for herself.
What happened to your daughter is NOT YOUR FAULT, and any attempt to blame you or manipulate you should be quickly dismissed.
Parents cannot be with their child every second of every day. Children have to go to school, and can be molested there. Children go to church and Sunday School and can be sexually abused there. Blaming mothers for their children being abused is ridiculous! Don’t fall for it. Don’t beat yourself up for what you had no knowledge or control over.
The guilty person, the person that is guilty, is the person who hurt your daughter. Not you. (((Hugs)))
This true story is about my son. I cry almost everyday for him. I think I may be more traumatized than him!
My son is now 5 years old. Last December (2007) my step son (who came to live with my husband and I due to abuse by his mother) acted out sexually on my son. He had been with us for 6 months and had shown no symptoms or acting out. I am a young mother too and do not understand why people do it and the affects of it very much. I will be 25 tomorrow. Anyways, he acted out on my son 3 times before I told CPS that he has to be moved out temporarily while he gets help. I told CPS the first time it happened. They had me put door alarms and stuff to protect the kids, but it kept happening somehow. My house was on lock down…I couldn’t even use the bathroom till my husband got home from work. And because of this stuff I miscarried my baby in December. He is now living with his grandpa (my husband’s dad). And things seem a bit better. But when they play together they make references to what occurred between them. I am afraid to have this little boy come back. He is the same age as my son, just 5 months older. I do NOT blame my step son. I can’t bring myself to blame a child. My fear is in the destruction that may have occurred in my beautiful baby boy and that has already occurred in my step son. I am afraid of how this has affected them and will in the future. Especially if my stepson comes to live with us again. I don’t know if that is a good idea. I know they are young enough to learn from this, but they are not old enough to understand it let alone learn from it. That can’t truly happen until they learn about sex and that it’s intended for when you get married and all that good stuff that kids should be taught.
I feel hopeless at times. I wish I could see my kids’ lives in the future so I know what the affects will be so I can try to help them now. I mean they’re both in therapy. I took all the right steps, but I feel like more needs to be done for them. And I just want to know if he comes back to our home how that will affect my son. I am so fearful that they will not get to live a fullfilling life. I am the only one that will and can fight for a good life for them. I just don’t know how sometimes. I know that this has changed them psychologically, but I don’t know how. I don’t know what I am up against trying to give them as much of a normal life as possible. I never dreamed in a million years this would happen to my baby. I am a protective mom and it just breaks me up inside so much. I had left my husband for about a month because he was eager to bring his other son back in our home and I knew they were not ready and it would happen again. Thankfully he isn’t back here yet, so nothing happened. I wish so badly it never happened and that they could be brothers together and live a normal life.
The worst part of all this is the last time that my stepson touched my son I was setting up my OB appointment-not even 5 minutes on the phone- when it occurred (this time it was on top of the clothes)and CPS blamed me for it. For making a doctor’s appointment (before my miscarriage). That is so devastating to me. I took my eyes off of them for two minutes. And I get blamed! It makes me so angry and frustrated.
Thanks for letting me share some of my experience.
Loving Mommie, thank you for sharing your heartwrenching story. I trust that you have by now received my personal email reply, as I felt this situation needed a personal and non-public response.
You are not at fault! This is not your fault! CPS may work very hard to help and protect children in abusive homes, but oftentimes they can be heartless and pathetic in their power-trip jobs. Do not blame yourself, and do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty.
You were there with the children, but how many parents can say that their child is literally by their side every second of every day?
Children play in other rooms of the house, go to the bathroom on their own, and other normal day living where a child is not shackled to the parents’ hip.
Are parents supposed to never sleep too, for fear that someone in their home (a family member) will sexually abuse the child while the parents are asleep? Or should parents begin having all of their children sleep with the parents until the kids turn 18, just to be sure?! It’s ridiculous!
I’ve never had children but my ex-husband was molested as a child. I find it terrifying that even if you’ve done all the things that you should, it can still happen. My case was that it was buried and never spoken of. I’ve seen him struggle and war with the afteraffects – over 30 years later.
I am so impressed by the honesty and candor of the postings – you’ve made me see the situation in a whole new light. For all of you, know you’re loving and caring and have so much to offer. Don’t ever think it was your fault! This should never happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime.
Sarah, being a victim of sexual abuse changes the person psychologically. It affects their entire world, their relationships as adults, the ability to trust others even in a marriage.
Not only is this subject very difficult for me emotionally to write, mostly because my son was victimized, but the number of private emails I receive because of these posts are truly heartbreaking for me.
Many people in society have the belief that sexual abuse should continue to be kept quiet, swept under the rug so to speak. I vehemently disagree. Victims need to speak out, and I will continue to welcome comments and emails from those victims and parents of victims to message me privately if they wish.
All of the things mentioned here were so timely and true. It is unfortunate that many parents sometimes trust the wrong people. It could be the father, grandfather, uncle or boyfriend. It could be the nanny or the aunt. It really could be anyone. Paranoia won’t solve the problem, thus we have to be educated and we must be well informed. Even in that, as you’ve stated, we must have a great relationship with our children and build trust so that they will tell us the first time, or if they do not, that we see the warning signs.
Not to stretch this out, but one thing I’ve noticed is that many parents spend so much time working and providing that they become strangers to their children. You’ve taught them so well that they should not talk to strangers. Then you become one. They will NOT confide in you when they are hurt. Trust me. I’ve been there!
I have a powerful book out on the topic and another one coming.
Lacresha, thank you for contributing your thoughts to this discussion. I’m sure you know that trusting the wrong people with our children is something child molesters work very hard at, using many grooming methods to gain the trust of parents and children alike.
Many parents are afraid that they will scare their children by discussing child sexual abuse with them, or that parents and children are basically being told they can never trust anyone, but that is certainly not the message I’m discussing here.
More often that not, parents will learn or discover that their son or daughter had been molested months or years after the fact. I wonder sometimes about the teenagers who are very promiscuous or having babies at very young ages if they may have been sexually abused as children since part of the signs of sexual abuse indicates promiscuity.
Absolutely. I grew up and became promiscuous, very! You gotta get the book, but long story short, I had my first child at age 15 and the second one that died at age 16 by a married man. So, I definitely understand where you are going and agree.
Lacresha, it really doesn’t surprise me at all. I just may need to drop you an email to see about getting my hands on a few copies of your book to do a review and book giveaway as I’ve done a few times already with other books authors send me.
Well this is tough for me to say but I’ll put it out there. I’m a 29-year old male with a 2-year daughter of my own, and happily married for 8 years.
I have a sister 3 years younger than myself. When we were little, someone (it happened so long ago I can’t recall who, as I had 4 older half-brothers) used to make us do things to each other in a basement. I have a vague recollection of her on top of me, I would have been 5 or 6 and she would have been 2 or 3. Whatever it was that happened, it triggered something inside of me that caused me to do things to my younger sister until I was 12 years old, and no one ever found out about it until we were adults. It was my sister who finally put a stop to it when she was 9, simply by saying “I’ll tell mom and dad”. There was never any penetration, and we never climaxed or anything, it was mostly curiosity and due to us being abused by whoever when we were little, I suppose it seemed normal to us.
One of my older brothers used to make me touch him until he climaxed, and this went on until I was 7 or so. I still have recollections of that. It wasn’t until he was older that he apologized and wept, saying that he was young (13 or so) and had also been abused. Our mom had also been abused by her father. When I was older, my sister told my parents of what had transpired between us; but before this I had already asked my sister for forgiveness and told her that what had happened was evil, and had been initiated when we were both younger.
I used to feel a tremendous amount of guilt because of this, all throughout childhood. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized that I was a victim, if whoever it was that had made us do things together as children had never done anything, I would have led a normal life and it would never even have occurred to us to do the things we did to each other. My mom was very understanding when she found out, and wanted to make sure that I got counseling before I had children of my own. My wife had known about it since before we even got married (I confided everything to her). I still at times get very mad at God and myself for having allowed this to happen in my life, as it has always been a source of guilt, but as I said I had to come to realize that we both were originally victims, I mean how are a 2 and 5 year old kid going to know what is right and wrong? But what kills me is that I then continued to initiate the episodes until I was 13.
Now I’m older, and have a child of my own. I am extremely aware of the dangers of molestation. My daughter has 6 older uncles (who all live in another state). I just can’t trust anyone. But my wife and mom both realize that since I was a victim myself, there would obviously exist the possibility of me doing the same thing to my daughter if I had not received counseling to work through these issues. That is a totally abhorrent idea to me, I cannot imagine how a father could abuse his own daughter; there comes a point in this generational cycle of abuse where someone needs to put their foot down and say “It all stops here!” That’s what I have done, my mission is to make sure that my daughter never has to go through what I went through. I’m not sure how protective I can be of her, but one day I will tell her of my own abuse, and be frank with her about the dangers that are out there, and let her know she can always come to us without fear.
I think what I’m trying to say is that as a male adult who was victimized as a child, it’s very important for people like me to get counseling before there is an opportunity for the cycle of abuse to continue in our own lives (by us potentially abusing others). For me personally, because of the hell I went through, and the pain, I determined a long time ago to never allow anything to happen to my children. But you have to be willing to admit the fact, that most abusers were abused themselves. Its important to stop the cycle of abuse by getting counseling and working through your issues, because this thing will rear its ugly head later on in life. Let other people know you were abused, be accountable to others, be open about what happened.
Anonymous, I appreciate your taking the time to candidly explain your personal story of being sexually abused. Your story breaks my heart, as I was victimized as a child too, so I understand the difficulty in speaking out.
I applaud you for taking what happened to you and doing everything you possibly could to receive counselling in order to help you heal and not repeat the abuse on others.
Yes, according to statistics, most child molesters were sexually abused when they were children. Getting help as soon as possible and for as long as is deemed necessary can help not only the victim of abuse, but can also help in preventing the victim from becoming an abuser later on.
And you’re right, children that have been abused need to tell, scream it from the rooftops if necessary, just make someone listen.
Thank you again for telling your personal story, and I hope your child never has to experience this devastating problem in society.
I was sexually molested by a number of people, it started at about age two and ended at the age of nine. I told my mother when i was nine years old, and what did she do. She let one of my abusers moved into our buildling when i turned fourteen. I learned to forgive him, being that i had no other choice and honestly i didnt blame him. He was only three years older then me. I blame our parents for leaving us anywhere and with anybody.
I know have a daughter of my own, and I swear i did my best to protect her. Never let her stay with anyone but my own grandmother, and i had rules no one was allowed to be visiting when my child was with her. But one day I had to leave to a new job with my husband at work we had no one to watch her, i had to then leave her with my uncle being that my Dad was in and out of the house that day visiting my grandmother i felt like i could trust him. (my grandmother was there too but she was in bed she was sick) i left my daughter with my uncle who i grew up with. And i honestly trusted him. He never once made me feel uncomfortable. He was actually my favorite uncle. And being that he had a son my daugthers age. I left her with him with the assumption that my grandmother too was watching her. So a year passes and he started acting very strange. So one day i had to give him a ride home and i could have sworn that he jiggle his tonge at my my daughter..i didnt know if it was a joke playing around or if he meant it in a sexual way. but to tell you the truth i thought i was being paranoid. I didnt think much of it. But then the worse thing happend that ONE time i let him watch her he molested my daughter right in the living, with my grandmother in the next room sleeping.I blame myself everyday. She told me it only happened to her once, and i believe her because i did in fact leave her alone with him that one time. I went to the police but they said my case was weak. I had no proof. Those were their exact words.
We moved out of state but the pain didnt go away. I feel like its my fault, i should have been with her , i should have never left her alone with anyone. I asked for her forgiveness and she said it wasnt my fault. Now to the present time . She is a normal kid, and a very happy one. That is the only reason i feel i can move on with my life and try my best to give her a happy childhood.
My problem now is that when i told my mother what had happend she chose not to believe me. She still has him living with her. So my daughter is banned from visting my mother house. I dont know how to get over the fact that my mother doesnt believe my daughter nor me. I brought up what had happened to me and she just doesnt want to talk about it.
I love my mother andi know she loves my daughter but i cant get over the fact that she doesnt believe us. And the fact that she still supports him and lets him live with her.
I need some advice…because i dont want to end up hating my mother like i do my uncle.
Maria, I’m so sorry you are struggling with this and blaming yourself. It is NOT and was NOT your fault that your daughter was sexually abused by your uncle. No parent can be with their child at every second or every moment of their lives. You cannot continue to blame yourself, but rather focus on healing the open and sore wounds of being abused and knowing your child was abused.
Unfortunately, none of us can control what our parent believes or doesn’t believe. You cannot force your mother to believe you, and you can’t control her reaction to the news; you can only control and heal your own feelings and emotions from the abuse and memories.
Hopefully there will come a day when your mother will open up and be willing to talk to you about the abuse with an open mind; maybe she fears being blamed too or being told it’s all her fault.
Both mom’s and dad’s of abused children too often are in denial of what has happened, and have the wrong belief and assumption that not talking about the abuse supposedly helps children “deal with it”, like “sweeping it under the rug” will somehow make it go away. Of course, those of us who are survivors of child sexual abuse know that ignoring the facts and not talking about the abuse only makes matters worse for victims.
Maria, I know how you feel, as I’ve been there myself. Having been abused as a child, and then my son becoming a victim too by a church minister, I understand how you feel. I know how you feel, because I’ve been there.
Now it’s time to work on healing the past and moving on with your life, and your daughter’s life. Author Laura Davis has some FABULOUS books that have helped many victims and survivors begin healing from child sexual abuse
and I highly recommend you check them out, not only for yourself but for your child.
Healing takes time, but also takes effort. You are NOT to blame for what happened to your daughter. You did everything you could to protect your child from being abused, and that is all anyone could ever ask or expect. Good luck to you and your daughter. No more of this “Mother Blame” stuff, okay? Hugs…
I was molested by an uncle at 4 and again at 6. My mom somehow didn’t think it was strange for my “new uncle” to want to take his 4yr old niece outside in the winter to play hide and seek in the country. Well my hands got cold so he proceeded to put them somewhere where they would be warm!!! The next time it was summer and we played hide and seek again. He took me deep into a cornfield, he molested me and had me to “rub” him until he was done. I don’t mean to be graphic but I still cannot believe that my mom didn’t look for me for an hour or so. I have found out later that my other cousins were also sexually abused by him. Thank goodness my aunt divorced him within a few years, for physically abusing her. I have always been very careful with my daughter and she says she has never been abused but my son 5 yrs at the time was introduced to oral sex by other 5/6yr. old boys while playing in his room upstairs (I heard the bedroom door slam and went up and they were in the closet with the door closed). I didn’t find out til a few years later what actually happened in that closet. I did ask several times. My son admitted it on his own a few years later. He said he learned about “guilty” in Sunday school and realized that he was guilty of lying to me about what happened. I had to reported it to Family and Children when I took my son in for counseling and they said kids that age would have gotten that from seeing adults do it, either parents or videos, or someone made them do that to them. My son since has acted out on a few other kids. I have had to take him to counseling again as he got older. He is 14 now and we haven’t had any problems in this area for a long time. He is now interested in girls which is a whole different area of concern. I went through problems with men early in my adult life and still am dealing with fear issues in certain situations. I can usually spot a pedophile a mile off. I get this yucky feeling inside. I am glad I found this website it has been helpful in many ways and we all need help in trying to raise our children to be happy healthy individuals.
Mandy, I’m so glad you were able to get counseling for your son to help him come to terms with being abused, and I really hope one of the things emphasized in counseling is that what was done to him was not his fault.
Unfortunately, when children begin to act out from the abuse done to them, it doesn’t become known to parents for quite some time and other children are hurt and sexually abused by other child victims. It’s incredibly sad but a reality. I hope the counseling has helped your son and that there won’t be further repercussions from what he went through and further victims down the line.
I am 17 years old and a male, and i have lived with being raped for 11 years. i havent told anyone my story before, but i feel its time to let someone know thanks to everyone on this page. Reading all of these story’s has made me feel confident enough to tell it finally. I was six and me and my parents along with 4 of my siblings lived in a motor home. My dad was a logger and he had to leave out. I played possum thinking it would be funny. I was wrong. they left me there alone with the door locked. Well i got scared and ran outside just in time to see them drive off. And when i went back inside there was a man there. I didn’t have time to run or scream. he grabbed me and raped my with a gun to my head. After he was done he told me not to ever say anything to anybody or he would kill me and my family. i was so scared that its taken me this long to finally tell anyone. I never knew that child sexual abuse happens as often as it does. I thank everyone for giving me the courage to tell my story. Now all i need is the courage to tell my mother and father. Though i don’t think they will believe me. Thank you again. And thank you Lin
“I was a victim”, I’m so sorry you have been suffering with being a victim of sexual abuse for so long, but I’m glad you found the courage to finally tell your personal story even though I understand how difficult it is to tell. Good for you for speaking out!
I wish you much courage and strength to tell your parents about the abuse and who actually hurt you if you know his name or whereabouts. I also hope your parents will believe you without a doubt in their mind. Do tell your parents.
Perhaps sharing information with your parents about what you’ve been reading about how common sexual abuse really is might be a way for you to start telling your parents about what happened to you personally. Hopefully they will listen carefully as you tell them and will understand you were too afraid to tell anyone until now since you were threatened. Child molesters hope their victims will be too scared to tell if they’ve been threatened. Tell, tell, tell.
I hope and pray that you will find some healing powers for what you’ve been through and that your life and self esteem will be such that you can move on in your life without dreadful memories holding you back. Good luck!
I really appreciate what you’re doing, Lin. It’s something that somehow, I can relate to at my mere age of 13.
My mom comes from a family of 8 children, which means I have a lot of relatives. I was really close to one of my uncles when I was young. I still was as I was growing up until this year. This year, he’s been acting strange, although I only noticed it less than 2 months ago. We would always hold family reunions at my family’s house, and I would usually just stay in my room after the meals. I never knew what was going on outside my room because the only time I would leave it during family gatherings was when I had to say goodbye to my relatives. Less than two months ago, my uncle came to our house to return our car that he borrowed. I didn’t have classes that day. I was eating lunch and he entered. He sat beside me and started touching my legs, gripping my waist, and all of that. I right away finished my food just to make an excuse to get away from him. A few minutes later, my mom asked me to go with him to pick my little sister from school. I was hesitant at the time, but complied anyway. My uncle wanted me to sit in fron with him, but I politely refused, saying I felt much more comfortable in the back, where there’s more room.
When we got home , my sister rushed to the kitchen to find something to eat. My mom was upstairs, and soon it was only me and my uncle in the living room. He started touching my private parts (I was fully clothed though) and touching my legs (again). At this point I got really scared. My mom didn’t come down until after 15 minutes, and I supposed my sister found something to eat, as she wasn’t going out of the kitchen. The incident scarred me.
I think I waited a week or so to find the courage to tell my parents. I actually told my mom at first, for my step dad was out for work. She reprimanded me at first for not telling her right away, but then understood. I woke up pretty late the next day, and I found out that my mom had already told my dad about the incident. I’m glad that my step dad tried to control his anger. Ever since he and my mom got married, he was very protective of me and my little sister (who is 9 as of now). I learned a few minutes later that my parents were going to have a meeting with my uncles and aunts to plan for the family vacation. My dad already knew what happened, so he allowed me to lock myself in my room during their meeting.
Before the meeting, when no one came yet, I was helping our cook out with the food and the other stuff. Apparently, she told me that three months ago (when I would always stay in my room during family gatherings), she noticed my uncle would always look for me. She told me that she has been asked thrice by my uncle as to where I was. She knew where I was, but she told him that I was very busy. So as you can see, almost everyone in the house is over protective of me.
I also learned that she knew about the incident in the kitchen, and that she would always check on me whenever I was alone with my uncle.
Apparently, I’m not going to the family vacation. My family isn’t either, because my parents don’t like me alone in the house with only helpers and a drivers. Just so you know, I don’t trust drivers either.
Wow. I can’t believe I just got that out of my system…
) anyway, I wanna thank you for helping me out on this.
Victimized96, by now you should have received my email to you. I’m of course glad that you’ve found these articles about sexual abuse to be of help to you. That fact that you did tell your parents what your uncle did to you is great! Good for you for telling! Everyone who has been molested or sexually abused in some way should tell, so they can receive help themselves to deal with what happened, and so that the person who did it is held responsible and accountable for their actions.
I really really hope your parents have spoken to the police about the abuse, because (as I said in my email to you) you are surely not the first person your uncle has done this to and you surely won’t be the last unless he is stopped and prosecuted for his actions. Abusers don’t just hurt one person in some way and then stop. There are most likely other victims just like you, perhaps other relatives of yours that you just don’t know about yet.
It’s important that parents not only do whatever is necessary to protect their children from being molested, but it’s also important that parents work with the authorities to ensure other kids like yourself are not victimized too. Sometimes parents just keep the whole thing secret because of feeling embarrassed or ashamed or whatever, but none of that protects other children from becoming this guy’s next victim.
Like I said, I’m glad these articles have been helpful to you in some way, but I’m concerned about whether your parents are doing what they need to do to really protect you and other kids like you from being hurt by your uncle. If he’s not stopped and held accountable, he will continue to hurt other kids.