Whether it be married couples, or those in a long-term relationship with a significant other, it should be understood that happy and healthy relationships take a lot of work. The effort involved with deepening the connection between the couple can be enjoyed by both husband and wife (or significant other), thus developing a close intimate bond unlike any other kind of relationship. (Photo by Sean McGrath)
Based on the reaction of visitors and readers of this blog, married couples are looking for ways to improve their marriage and spice things up in the romance department at home. I’ve heard from a number of people that have read and enjoyed my article, Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage, and are asking for more tips on adding spark and romance to their marital relationship.
If you are truly committed to making your marriage strong and healthy, with a bit of creativity and effort on the part of both husband and wife, romance can become second nature to you. Begin each day with the question, “What can I do today to show my husband/wife how much I love him/her?”
Grooming
It seems rather silly to me to have to point out what should be very obvious, but you would be surprised how many people have mentioned basic grooming habits being a problem in their relationship. Brush or comb your hair, brush your teeth, take a bath or shower every day, put on some makeup, get rid of those old nasty sweats and put on an outfit that shows that you care about your appearance. You know that old, worn out “favorite” shirt you’ve been hanging onto for years? Get rid of it! There isn’t much that can diminish the romantic feelings between husband and wife than to see your spouse looking frumpy and disheveled.
Ladies, put your hair up in a nice clip
Physical Touch
Begin each day by physically touching your spouse with hugs and kisses. Hold hands while sharing a cup of coffee or tea together; place your hand on your spouse’ leg while sitting together watching the morning news; gently caress your spouse’ face and say “You’re so beautiful, I love you”. Physical touch is very important in creating romantic atmosphere in the home, so when you arrive home from work be sure to hug and kiss your spouse, and continue physically touching each other throughout the evening.
A common problem in many marriages is where there is virtually no physical touch throughout the day and evening, but as soon as the kids are put to bed and the couple retires to the bedroom, there is an expectation that hot, sizzling sex is going to miraculously heat up the bedroom. Not! See: How to Please a Woman in Bed, Pleasure and Satisfy Her Completely for sex tips.
Frequently offer foot massages, shoulder massages and full-body massages to your spouse. Purchase scented oils or lotions
Listen
Pay close attention to subtle hints and comments about something your husband or wife wants to buy for themselves, and purchase it for them as a surprise. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive, but if your wife sees a purse she likes or a set of earrings she wants, make note of it and stop by the store and pick it up for her. If your husband mentions wanting a new tool for his toolbox, or mentions wanting a new gadget
Has your partner mentioned a concert or sporting event they have interest in attending? Buy some tickets and go as a couple. Does your spouse enjoy craft shows, museums, art festivals or amusement parks? What are you waiting for?, buy some tickets and go! Do you often hear your partner singing or whistling a tune on the radio that they like? Find out who the artist is and buy the CD that includes the song.
Communication
Make time during the day to call or text message your husband or wife to let them know you are thinking about them. Don’t use that time to complain about the kids, or the in-laws, or bills piling up. Text message your husband or wife with a little naughty message in the middle of the day, with a teaser of what you have planned for the two of you once the kids are asleep in bed. Brag to your friends, family and co-workers about how lucky you are to have found such a wonderful, loving and supportive husband or wife. Talking in front of your spouse about your partner’s good qualities is romantic; notice the way your partner’s face lights up when you speak well of them to others.
Couples often complain that they don’t have much time to really communicate with each other, not with taking care of the kids, holding down one or more jobs, doing household chores and paying bills. If your children don’t have a normal bedtime routine, make one. Putting the kids to bed at a reasonable hour gives parents time to unwind from their day at work or other family responsibilities, allowing couples the needed time to focus attention on each other and the marriage.
Romantic Atmosphere
Make the home atmosphere as peaceful and romantic as possible. Turn off the TV. Make the dinnertime meal with the family a peaceful and calm one, rather than using that time to complain and gripe about how the kids upset you, or how the “honey-do list” is still untouched. Keep a ready supply of scented candles
Keep the home clean, toys picked up and put away, so your husband/wife doesn’t come home and wonder what you’ve been doing all day. You may have spent the entire day scrubbing floors and toilets, but none of that is likely to be noticed if your spouse is tripping over a trail of toys the moment he/she walks in the door.
Sex, Sex, Sex Baby!
Make sex and romance fun in your marriage. Buy some naughty adult sex games
Create your own private collection of sex toys
What are some fun and romantic ideas that you and your significant other have enjoyed in your relationship or marriage? What are some things you feel you need improvement on in regards to spicing up your marriage? Share your stories or tips by leaving a comment below.
Sex Every Day for Married Couples – 30 Day Sex Challenge
Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage
Hi Lin.
Great post. I also made a similar post about adding fun and laughter to a marriage.
In fact, the first tip was my personal experience which is doing weird things.
If you’ll view my link here, you’ll find out how. But pls. do not get offended with my picture. I just did it for fun.
Thank you.
G’day Lin,
Great post! Especially liked the tip about keeping one’s self attractive for their spouse – equally important for men and women!
GA thanks. I’ll be sure to check it out.
Hi Allan, thanks. Keeping ourselves looking nice for each other is so important. Unfortunately, over a period of time after the wedding, men and women tend to develop some complacency about keeping themselves looking nice and attractive for their spouse. It’s so important to be honest with ourselves and not become lazy when it comes to our appearance as couples.
Good post. I like it that you mention both sides.
Dressing with the other in mind prepares your love nerves. At the same time it’s like a sweet gift to the other; a gentle touch like bringing her a cup of coffee.
Hi Ruud, you’re right. Doing even the little things like bringing your spouse a cup of coffee can be romantic. Couples need to KIND to each other.
I think something that many couples need to work on is the part about bragging about their spouse in earshot of their husband or wife. Both men and women are often guilty of criticizing their spouse with friends privately, and don’t think about how their words have an impact on how others view the spouse after that.
Just last night we had dinner with a couple and it was sweet how the wife kept complimenting her husband’s cooking and other kind things he does for her. I was complimenting my husband too and his face lit up with pride. It needs to be done more often.
Great ideas! I need all the help I can get. I think your comments about listening and touching are especially helpful. It is easy for me to get busy with my own agenda and forget to do these things that I know my wife appreciates. Thanks for the reminder!
Hi Jeff, getting busy with our own agenda happens to us ladies as well, so both men and women need those reminders from time to time.
Someone emailed me about this post and said I should have included the mention of guys throwing out their um…….stained underwear too. LOL Eeeeuuuuuwwwwww
I like to leave the window open in the daytime and imagine that people are outside watching us at play.
LOL HM. A bit kinky, but if that works well for you, go for it!
You are totall right on the grooming part and holding hands.
Hi Chris, I was actually surprised by the number of people who say that basic grooming (brushing their teeth, showering, combing their hair etc) is such a problem in their relationship. Eeeeeuuuwwww.
I just came across your site and read your article. I think it was full of truths and very comprehensive. I could probably comment on every heading you mentioned. But I will limit myself.
The reminder about touch in an established relationship I think is really important, yet it becomes so very easy to forget about. It is easy for me with my wife. It is hard to be near her without making some kind of physical contact. But I believe it is something some partners just don’t think to do. So I want to suggest that if one partner doesn’t get all of the “casual” but loving touch they want (and need), it is OK to gently ask to have more of it. I think sometimes it is just about being “reminded”. (I am a big fan of “asking for what you want”. But that needs to be accompanied by a: “I’m willing to hear ‘no’ to my request”.) Hmmmm. I think I’ll go elaborate on that on our blog when I finish here.
Fearful of commenting too long (you can cut this next “part 2″).
Something I missed in your article is the importance of actually “scheduling” special time together. In this fast-paced world, it seems that all of our available time can be taken up with things “we must do”, and that list rarely includes making time specifically to nurture our relationship. When we counsel couples to do this, most think it is silly to have to “make a date” with their partner. But for most of us, that is what it takes to use some of your suggestions, like creating a romantic atmosphere.
So I suggest both partners get out their calendars (diaries here in the UK) and actually schedule a date time together. It may sound and feel a bit silly and unnecessary, but it can really work.
Enough for now. I’ll be back to read more.
Hi Bob, thanks for stopping by. I wrote about scheduling time for each other in the “Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage” that I linked to in this post.
Couples can easily allow the cares of the day, job, kids etc cause them to ‘forget’ how important time alone with their spouse really is. Then one day the kids are grown and gone and the couple looks at each other like total strangers. Sad but true.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and contribution to this discussion, I really appreciate it.
Well, my wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have two daughters. It is tough sometimes, but we have pulled through.
I went to a couple of Passion Parties and purchased some products….It is a blast!! Then I became a consultant.
After that many years, our sex life was in the toilet. I didn’t really think I would buy anything, I just wanted to get out of the house! But, I loved the product and they were presented in a very respectful way.
I became a consultant because after I got the product home, we had such a good time. Becoming a consultant not only made our sex life incredible, but the money is fantastic!…..Sex and money~ the top two reasons marriages fail, saving them one bedroom at a time!!!
Men need sex, women need romance, you have work together. Foreplay does not start in the bedroom. It starts as soon as we wake up. Communication is key, we have set aside one day a week for just the two of us. It does not matter what we do, we are together by ourselves.
DGH, although I have not been to a Passion Party before myself, I am familiar with them. There are so many ways to spice up romance in marriages, and those passion parties (from what I hear) have been very rewarding….if ya know what I mean
You are so right, foreplay does not start in the bedroom. Without physical touch and romantic gestures from the moment we wake until the time we go to bed, sex can easily fizzle instead of sizzle. Thank you for your contribution to this discussion!
Try many unusual things and be open-minded. Do not restrict yourselves just because you are already married. Do all the things you did when you were still not married. My wife usually have a date, just the two of us, once a week. We do many different things like watching a movie, eating out, going for a swim or even going to a hotel just to make love. But the best thing to do is talk, yes, communicate with your partner whenever possible and that could surely spice up your marriage because you will be able to discover a lot of things about each other every single day of your marriage.
2 years ago
Very good ideas. I’ve communicated to my husband that I need some romance and not just sex as normal. I called him from work and asked him to put the kids to bed since I had to work late and make our bedroom cozy and sexy and I would bring home the wine and we will have a night filled with love, sex, and then some. He agreed, but when I called to say I was right outside the house and what was he doing, he said folding clothes. The kids were not in the bed and all the clean clothes were spread out over our bed. This is the third time I have tried to create a romantic evening and each time he has done nothing to contribute,but thinks we should still just have sex. My desire is gone, but I go through the motion of sex just so we don’t argue. What am I doing wrong?
LoveJazz, you are not doing anything “wrong”. You are obviously putting forth much effort to spice up your marriage, and trying to put some romance back into the relationship with your husband. Third time huh? Ouch.
I think it’s time for a one-on-one conversation with your hubby (but not in the bedroom), respectfully discussing your need and desire for romance, not just sex. A “wham bam thank you maam” type relationship leaves one feeling pretty good while the other is left feeling used. That’s not ok in a marriage, regardless of how many years a couple has been married.
I believe in being respectful but also assertive. I would recommend arranging for some private time (get a trusted sitter for the kids & take a long walk together or sit in a park and talk to your husband), where you can discuss your feelings with your husband in a non-accusatory manner, and express your need for romance. Ask him questions that require more than a yes or no answer regarding your sex life (What things are you willing to do to improve the romance in our marriage?).
It’s important that your husband truly understand how you feel, and how important it is that your marriage stay fresh and romantic, and discuss the various things each of you is willing to do to make things better. Plan a date night, perhaps once a week if possible, or once or twice a month. Arrange for an overnight stay in a swanky hotel room, including hotel perks like chocolate covered strawberries and a hottub etc. Talk, talk, talk to your husband. Assertively but respectfully. Good luck!
I have straight told my hubby I need more flame under the sheets. I have done and said everything under the sun to add great sex to our marriage I own half of passion parties and red hot party company. Sure I could just do the motion and get off. I want excitement but more importantly I want the romance. I want a weekend getaway planned with exotic measures and effort. I am willing to make sure all responsibility have been taken care of before hand. Cleaning, laundry, bills and such. I work fulltime as a designer and I have 3 boys and we have our own family business. My womanly needs are not being meet I have been more than blunt with my spouse. I have agreed to do what ever it takes to make it better. I get the usual no effort sex = experiences. I can do that with a few AAA batteries. I love my hubby but I need more romance and a little toughness. What do I do? I am out of ideas…
LWINC, it’s clear that you’ve been having a very difficult time with this and I’m sorry about that. After trying all the things you’ve mentioned in order to spice up your marriage but it’s still not working, I’m thinking that maybe there are other things going on (at least in your hubby’s mind) that is making it so difficult.
It sounds like it’s time to have a loving and respectful conversation with your husband, asking him how he sees the relationship in all areas, and then consider marriage counseling. I know many people are against marriage counseling, but it really can help in getting both husband and wife to calmly and respectfully discuss what is going on in the marriage and working together to fix them. Good luck!
With the busy schedules most couples put on themselves, there is so little time for fun together. Exhausted and stressed from working, TV seems to be the default form of relaxation which is unfortunate. Even while sitting together you may still feel alone. Playing games together instead can help reignite the fun and happiness in a relationship. Playing together can also help improve communication with each other.
Any game for two will do but some erotic and foreplay games can be used to encourage additional intimacy. Guys tend to like games with a bit of competition. If you blend these elements with a variety of foreplay techniques, women will enjoy them too if not more.
Try adding some spice with a few competitive games involving foreplay or sexual forfeits. Choose fun games that offer a challenge and set the stakes to be mutually rewarding. Adults need to play too.