How To Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Being a responsible parent is never an easy task, from the time our children first enter the world and well into adulthood, our job as parents to teach and train our children in all areas of life is often fraught with one obstacle after another, and parents need to know how to deal with the problems as they occur as well as prevent as many problems as possible.
Regular readers of Telling It Like It Is are likely familiar with previous articles where I have discussed the mounting entitlement issues so prevalent in society today, with adult children still living at home with mom and dad, and the struggles parents have in getting their adult children to be responsible financially, mentally and emotionally. For new subscribers and visitors, here are a list of the articles I’ve written that deal with money management, helping and enabling adult children, teenagers and yes, even very young children:
Getting adult children to be responsible for themselves in all areas of life is often hindered by well-meaning parents who want to “help” their children become independent or, “get back on their feet”, but instead come to realize later on that the help provided never seems to end.
Adult children continue to make poor choices and bad decisions regarding how they spend their money, then expect mom and dad to pick up the tab and continuously rescue them from experiencing the consequences of their choices and behaviors, wrongly thinking their parents are a 24-hour bank or ATM machine.
Enabling Adult Children
Adult children, some married with children of their own, are moving back home with their parents at an alarming rate, and shortly thereafter parents become frustrated when boundaries and rules are repeatedly broken, and requests for more money requires parents to dig deep into their life savings and retirement plans to the point where parents have gone broke helping their children.
Enabling occurs even when children are not living with the parents, with adult children and spouse working full-time jobs continuing to make regular phone calls to parents asking for money to pay utility bills because “It’s going to get shut off!”, or saying their “car is going to be repossessed” or the old standby, “We have no food in the house!”. My response would be, “I’m sorry to hear that but I can’t help you this time, and I have full trust and confidence that you will find a solution to the problem, and do what is necessary to make sure it doesn’t happen again”. Real NEED creates REAL motivation for change.
Not being an enabler myself, my message to parents is, “Just say no! Don’t give them anymore money and by all means, Kick them out of the house and change the locks!” I’ve heard from many parents who tell me their adult children are constantly asking for money “to pay bills”, while these “adults” are spending their own money on manicures, pedicures, Botox treatments, new clothes, expensive cell phones, concerts and sporting events, electronic gadgets and other luxuries, all while “there is no food in the house”.
Learn How To Let Go Of The Control
Enablers have to learn how to “let go” of their adult children, let go of the control and Co-Dependent tendencies that run rampant amongst enabling parents and their children, allowing their adult children to experience the consequences that go with making choices on their own.
Continuously rescuing adult children, paying their bills, giving them money, allowing them to live at home with the parents, shielding them from the realities of how the real world works has created an Entitlement society. Today’s society of teenagers and adult children have come to believe their parents “owe” them whatever their hearts desire, and if parents don’t put a stop to it and close the bank of mom and dad, the problems of entitlement are only going to get worse.
When your adult children ask you for money tell them, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you this time”. The next time they ask, repeat the same sentence. Do not give your adult children any more money! Able-bodied children, working or not, can and need to learn how to manage their own lives, and that cannot be accomplished as long as children know that parents are their personal “back up plan”.
Why would your children make the grownup decision to get smart with their money, when they know they can spend their own money frivolously on their extensive “want” list, knowing you will give them a handout time after time? Stop it and stop it now, before you find yourselves penniless in your elderly years with no financial means to take care of yourself.
How To Stop Enabling Adult Children
Children know what buttons to push with parents, especially when there are grandchildren being used as an excuse to get money from parents and grandparents, making it vitally important to learn how to stop enabling irresponsible adult children.
If your children have jobs of their own, no one is going to starve to death, and while their electric might be turned off due to bad choices, allowing them to experience the consequences of their own decisions really is helping them more than you may realize.
Oftentimes people in society equate enabling with alcoholics or drug abuse, with many books being written on how parents and family members can help these children and adults conquer their problems, but the overall subject of helping vs. enabling covers a wide range of relationship dynamics between parents and children, but without an equal number of books and resources.
Stop Enabling Your Adult Children
When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us : Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around him. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors.
The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love
Co-dependency of which enabling is a major element can and does exist in families where there is no chemical dependency. Angelyn Millers own experience is a dramatic example: neither she nor her husband drank, yet her family was floundering in that same dynamic. In spite of her best efforts to fix everything (and everyone), the turmoil continued until she discovered that helping wasn’t helping. Miller recounts how she learned to alter the way she responded to family crises and general neediness, forever breaking the cycle of co-dependency. Offering insights, practical techniques, and hope, she shows us how we can transform enabling relationships into healthy ones.
Toughlove
I’m a big believer in being a tough parent, setting guidelines and boundaries with children regardless of their age, and staying firm on what behaviors are or are not acceptable. Toughlove is not about being abusive towards our children, nor is it solely focused on children with drug or alcohol addictions, and I highly recommend this book for parents struggling with their children, teens and adult kids.
Are you an Enabler? Have you been struggling with the difficulties in trying to understand how to help your adult child but find yourself in the rather upsetting position of being an enabler? Do you understand that there is a difference between helping and enabling? What changes are you willing to make in letting go of the control over your children’s lives, so they can be independent and responsible financially, mentally and emotionally?
Further Reading:
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children
Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents
Similar Posts:
- Are Parents Helping Or Enabling Their Adult Children?
- Helping and Enabling – Is There A Difference?
- Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents
- ~Raising Independent Children-Not Moochers~
- Are You An Enabler? Identifying Early Warning Signs of Enabling Behaviors
[...] How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us [...]
[...] How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us [...]
[...] How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us [...]
[...] How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us [...]
You know, I’ve really tried to enforce the “no entitlement” rule with my school-age children. I have an older sister in her 50’s, and my Mom STILL sends her money and enables her all the time. I don’t want to be that Mom. I want my kids to stand on their own two feet and be able to get through tough times on their own. It starts young.
Momo Fali, it really does start young, parents have to do everything possible to get kids to do what they are capable of doing, whether or not they want to do it. It’s called being a responsible adult.
I’m confused. Isn’t enabling cutting off the strings? Maybe I have the terms backwards.
Hi RT, enabling is when parents DON’T cut the apron strings, financially or otherwise. Constantly giving grown kids money, paying their bills for them, etc. Yep, you have the terms backwards, but it’s all cleared up now.
We raised our children in a small town in PA. We constantly told them, as they were growing up, that we wanted them to go away to college and that we insisted that they move away from their hometown, at least for a few years, after college.
Our youngest, now a successful engineer, was very angry with us during high school because she wanted to come right back to the town after college to be with her high school friends. Now she appreciates what we did for her.
HM, you make a good point. Grown adult children may very well become angry at their parents when the hand-outs stop.
Kids may even increase the level of manipulation on their parents, or try to “guilt” parents into giving into their demands for money.
Staying strong and tough will have large dividends in the end, with children realizing what parents did for them by not making things so easy for kids. Very good point HM, thanks for bringing that up.
Lin – Setting the right expectations for our children seems very important. We have to teach them to stand on their own two feet. When we constantly come to their aid, they never learn to depend on themselves. I have young children, but I hope they will grow up to be independent, responsible adults. Great article!
Hi Jeff – you are exactly right. Parents have to begin teaching children how to manage money and finances from a very early age, continuing througout the teen years, so children can be independent and responsible as adults. Thanks for contributing your thoughts!
My grandmother in law does this for her sons, anytime they mess up she covers right away, and then acts like there isn’t a problem. It has become a problem because she covers up for her son who is an acholic. I think she should work on getting him help, but she just tells him everything is going to be ok. Sometimes you have to be tough.
Hi Rachel,
Enabling really is a big problem for many parents and even grandparents, and it’s such a shame too because children won’t learn how to take care of themselves if parents/grandparents continue doing too much for their kids.
Thank you also for the email message, I will respond promptly to your question/request.
I agree that its important for our adult children to go out on thier own. I also know that its very costly and nearly impossible for them to buy a home of thier own. I would have no problem with an adult child living home as long as they are being financiallly responsible and saving as much as they can.
I have always told my children that this is the only FREE ride that they get. There will never be a landlord or a bank that will allow you to live rent or mortgage free. Take everyday that they live home and use it wisely. SAVE, SAVE, SAVE or get out. We asked our son to leave when we realized he was not using our home to his betterment. How quickly he found out how expensive it is to be an adult!!!
The maternal instinct kicks in when you see your children struggling. When they were small, we would jump up if we saw them fall. They will grow up fast when they are figuring it out for themselves and and even faster when we let them fall.
Children today definately have a disillusional sense of entitlement. Some of them need life to slap them in the face to wake them up. Thankfully there are some who figure it out early on and follow the rules of sensiblilty. As much as my son has tested me over the years, I have two daughters that just “got it” early on. There is hope in all of them!!!! Thank you again Lin for guiding me thru to the day I said, ” no help yourself, I’m done!! So far, so good!!!
Hi Debbie,
I’m glad my advice has been helpful to you. I see examples of entitlement happening all the time, and it’s so frustrating to see how grown up children are abusing their parents in this way.
This is some great information. I think my in-laws need to read this about their adult children to save them some heartache.
Hi Susan, thanks for stopping by. Feel free to email a link to them, or print off these articles about helping and enabling adult children. Too many parents are losing their life savings by enabling adult children, and end up broke themselves in their elderly years.
I guess it all depends on how you bring them up and the values that you instil upon them when young. Anyway, saying No is often tough becasue as a parent you would always be inclined to help, however old they may be.
T.M, it has a lot to do with how children are raised, that’s for sure. But, when grown children are treating parents like a bank and not being responsible for themselves financially or in other ways, parents have to be tough and say No, or the “help” offered will never, ever end. That’s why 35 year old “kids” are still living with parents. Some are even over the age of 40 and still living with mom and dad. That’s ridiculous!
[...] of Telling It Like It Is offers her insight on "How To Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us. I know exactly what she means. This is just one of her many articles on enabling versus helping, [...]
[...] How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us [...]
[...] Burress presents How To Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us posted at Telling It Like It [...]
I have once again spent the weekend in bed with phones off the hook. My son – 28 – constasntly calls for money -use of the car – he always has a reason – but I never see any results – I bought him a bike since a car is out of the question.
I am terrified of what will happen to him if I cut of the money etc – I believe drugs are involved. He gets a job – does great for a few weeks – then something happens and he looses his job – it just goes on and on.
Everyone tells me just to say :No More: – but it kills me – I feel like I just want to close my eyes and sleep forever.
Sue
Sue, it’s of course very obvious that the subject of helping vs. enabling is an extremely difficult one for you personally. I’m going to email you privately so be sure to check messages in your spam filter, as my email may be filtered there. Talk to you soon.
lin – did you ever reply – I just got home from work – all day long I die if I get a call – he says he needs rent money – his car has been repossed – what do I do about all the mail and phone calls I keep getting from debt collectors? -Right now he is with an old girlfriend – he says she is going to kick him out – I told him he cannot come and live with me – he wants to use my car – last time he kept it for 3 days – he has stolen from me and the story goes on and on – do I need medicience to get it all out of my head? I am on Zoloft now – but I could burst into tears at the drop of a hat.
Sue
Hi Sue,
I would strongly suggest that you talk to your employer about setting up a way to block/filter calls from your son at your job. Perhaps if your employer or supervisor got on the phone when your son calls at the job and the boss tells him in no uncertain terms that personal calls such as this are NOT allowed at the work place and really makes it clear, maybe your son will get a clue and stop bugging you at work.
Is there Caller ID at your job? Is there anyone else who can/would take incoming calls for awhile? Can you block calls on the work phone from certain numbers? You should really talk to your boss and explain at least some of the problem, so your boss doesn’t get upset about the constant personal calls that are stressing you, which would obviously have an effect on your work performance. You don’t want this mess to cost you your job.
Keep saying no, and stick to it. Don’t give your son any explanations about why; you don’t owe him any explanation about why you’re saying no. Don’t give in. Each and every time you give in, it teaches your son that if he puts up enough of a fight over the money or “help” that you’ll eventually give in. Trust me, you don’t want to give in. Ever.
There are two books I highly recommend in this article:
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children
and
When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us
Hang in there Sue, keep up the fight – it is worth it.
I have read with interest the comments from parents who just can’t say no to their adult children. I’m afraid my husband is also doing this because he can’t seem to stop helping his sons “too much.” My husband is still supporting his younger sone who has been attending college full time for many years and no degree. The older one has difficulties with jobs and owes us back rent and a large credit card debt. I love my husband, but I can’t stand to see what is happening to him or to his sons.
I would like for him to ask his older son to start paying us back for unpaid rent and credit card debt, and I would like to see his younger son finish college so he can get a job where he can be independent. It is costing so much that I’m afraid we will run out of money for our old age. What can I do to encourage my husband to allow his sons to become independent? I know this is the way he shows love, and he is very kind to everyone (he likes to help people including my kids), but I think in the end it will hurt instead of helping. It is difficult to say anything because I know it comes from his heart.
Hello Betty! You must be talking about step-children here, so that in itself creates a problem for you since some people feel that talking about children (that isn’t their biological child) is basically off limits.
Problem is, these “kids” aren’t children anymore; they’re grown adults, and the money being given is affecting you financially, and may have detrimental consequences when you are older and need a way to provide for your elderly years.
Many parents have good intentions. They truly want to help their children, but they don’t quite understand when the “helping” should stop and the now-grown “kids” be required to behave as adults. There is such a thing as helping without enabling, but once parents get into the habit of giving and giving and giving some more, they find themselves stuck.
Betty, I would suggest having a private conversation with your husband and ask him questions (very respectfully) about what his specific goals are in continuing to “help” his kids. Then, ask him (in response to his answers) what results has he seen by his efforts? Has his helping accomplished the goals of x,y,z? If so, how? If not, How? Ask him if he’s ever wondered if the amount of help he’s been giving has brought the results he hoped for?
Be sure to allow him time to reflect and think back on various situations where he said he’d “help” pay for something on the condition that so-and-so does…….what? Pays him back? Graduates? Graduates when, in 30 years? Gets his degree? When, in 40 years?
If I were you Betty, I’d be looking deeply into the financial numbers of how you and your husband are doing financially yourselves. I’d be looking at how much savings you have or don’t have. Stocks? CD’s? Real estate? etc. for when you retire, and then you can provide your husband concrete, written in black and white, what your current financial situation is…..vs. what is will/may look like if his “helping” continues as is. Ask him, how much “help” are you willing to give the kids when it’s obvious that all the money being handed out to the kids is likely to put you and your husband in the very same (or worse) financial situation that he’s trying to help the kids get out of. How would that settle in his mind and heart, knowing his helping put you and him in dire straits for your senior years.
Let me know how it goes, ok?
I have a 12 year old granddaughter. My daughter is a single parent. The father has been out of my granddaughter’s life since she was 2. She’s adhd, has a history of problems with other children, impulsive, distracted. This year in 7th grade she got into trouble a lot with skipping school, not doing homework, running away, talking back. She is now in a 1/2 way house. She doesn’t talk to her mom. She still talks to me because I’ve always spoiled her. It looks like I’ve enabled her behavior and I’m trying to try some tough love but it’s so hard for me. My daughter and I want to have a united front and let her reap the consequences of her behavior. She calls me for things and its hard to say no. Any advice?
Hi Patsy. Ahh middle school. I remember those years with not no fond memories myself. Seems like the moment children enter middle school all heck breaks loose, as virtually overnight kids seem to change in personality so much so that parents can hardly recognize their own child.
Please understand that I am not well versed on the subject of ADHD, but have limited knowledge of this disorder such as knowing there is medication that these children are often put on to regulate the symptoms. Ok?
Your granddaughter is still very young, so that is good. Getting the enabling under control now while she is still young will help prevent the problems of helping vs. enabling from reeking havoc on your lives when she’s an adult.
Allowing your granddaughter to experience and deal with the consequences of her own choices and behaviors now, while very hard and painful emotionally, is very important. You obviously want what is best for your granddaughter, so keep in mind that the goal is for your granddaughter to learn that in the real world everyone makes choices and must learn to make good choices, otherwise there are often severe consequences for making bad choices or decisions. Allow her to learn that now while she’s still very young, so hopefully she won’t be learning the lesson the hard way in years to come by spending years in jail like some other kids do.
Stand firmly alongside your daughter. Absolutely DO present a united front because if/when your granddaughter sees that she can get her way with one of you (like you mentioned she calls you for things), then watch out for the manipulation games to begin. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of “mother guilt” complex where kids use a mother’s (or grandmother’s) emotional bond against her to get their own way.
It is and WILL be hard to say no, but you have to do it anyway. Sometimes being a tough parent or showing “tough love” with kids first requires parents to get tough with themselves. When you say no to your granddaughter, say no knowing in your heart and mind that it is for HER best interests, not your own. Read again what you said above, “She still talks to be BECAUSE I’ve always spoiled her”.
She will be angry when she can’t get her own way. She will very likely stop talking to you as well for awhile, as it’s obviously her way of trying to control the situations she gets herself into. Don’t take it personally. I mean that, don’t take it personally. She’s reacting with anger and wanting desperately to find someone (anyone) who will give into her. Don’t do it. If you need to cry out your emotions when you tell her no, then be sure that you do so NOT in earshot of your granddaughter (on the phone etc), but when speaking to her directly (in person or on the phone) keep your voice strong. Don’t let your granddaughter use your emotions against you, cause she will if she has the chance. That won’t be good for either of you.
Check out The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love now while your granddaughter is still very young, as this will help prevent it from being a problem for many years to come. It will help you personally deal with your feelings and emotions as well, because kids are well known for using them against their parents and grandparents. I wish the best for you, your daughter and your granddaughter. If I can help any further, please don’t hesitate to drop me a note again. Good luck Patsy!
Patsy,
I know exactly what you mean! Our 12 year old grandson, who is also ADHD, is giving his Mom fits! He’s living with his Dad and when his Mom is there he is very disrespectful to her. His Dad talks to his Mom in much the same way so he is learning very quickly to be disrespectful to all women. He also gets most of what he wants from both so is spoiled.
Giving in to chldren (by parents/grandparents) and not supporting each other will end in any child having no feeling of self-worth later on. We all need to remember what is said about children asking (by their bad behavior) for boundaries and loving discipline. It is true! Also, having a child “like” a parent/grandparent because they give in is not good for that child, either. All it proves is that manipulation works.
Hope it all works out for you. We’re still working on our offspring!
Is there any hope for my relationship? After reading the various articles it doesn’t seem hopeful
I truly love most everything about my adult-child who is 32 and unemployed. He treats me like I have wings and a halo over my head. We’ve been together for 3 years, live together for the last 2 years and split everything 50/50. I have been employed at the same company for six years and prior to that five years. I am 34 years old. He has held 2 jobs since we’ve been together for a total of half our relationship. He wants to get married and I say ‘no job, no marriage’. I told him I want us (”him”) to be completely independent. He said he’s trying to figure out his career path and his parents are just helping him do this (paying for everything). The parents have the means and help all the “kids” ages range from 22-37. Some of them married with kids of their own. I truly understand your moto: “Need creates real motivation” as I was not raised in a wealthy home and have worked since I was 15. So why am I trying to build a life with someone who’s parents are paying for all of it? It’s like living a false life. If he was working, our day-to-day lives would be so different. For the last six months, I’ve been depressed and told him he needs to find a job by Sept. I wish I had more faith but I don’t think that will happen. I’m frustrated at his lack of progress and frustrated with myself for focusing on it so intently and for going back and forth between “enabling” him with his job search (doing things he should do) and then realizing what I’m doing and getting angry at the whole situation.
Hi Catherine. I’m very proud of you for having the courage and strength to say “no job, no wedding”. Very good! (clapping my hands loudly and grinning from ear to ear).
I’m really not sure if you actually need anyone’s advice on this, because from you’ve written here, it seems to me that you already know the answers. And, I’m very happy that you have given this very serious thought.
You’re obviously seeing “red flags” waving wildly, and you’re smart to pay attention to them. You say his parents are helping him and he’s still, at the age of 32, ‘trying to figure out his career path’. Yeah, right.
It sounds to me like his parents are definite enablers, and he’s enjoying every minute of it, and if you’re not very careful you’ll be the next in line to enable him. If you let it happen.
I think, if I’m reading between the lines correctly, that you’re wondering how much of this you are willing to accept in your life, or if you need to make serious changes with this relationship. Right?
I can’t answer that question for you. That’s entirely up to you to decide if you are willing to spend your life being the wife of a man who clearly doesn’t have the motivation to take on the responsibilities of an adult; husband; and father to children that may come from the marriage. Are you willing to carry most, if not all, the responsibilities that go with being the wife/husband/mom/dad/breadwinner all wrapped into one? Hugs, Catherine, in whatever you decide.
I’ve been reading some posts, but nothing is helpful for my situation. My 26 yr. old son is in jail for theft:( 2nd time for this in the past 6 years. He said he stole cause he needed the money for bills, etc.
I’ve helped him pay some of those bills, so not sure why he still needs more money.
Not sure if he’s doing drugs again or not–he has before.
My question is should I try to be tough & not get him out of jail or get him out? Being there, I feel, will make him think about his actions, if it was worth it or not.
If you can help me, thank you. I think I know the answer to my question, just need someone to agree?
Hi Lydia, if I were you I would NOT get your son out of jail. He’s all grown up now and needs to deal with the consequences of his choice, no matter how hard it is for you to stand by and watch it all happen. Rescuing him or getting him out of jail will not help him in the long run. Stop paying his bills and stop giving him money to help him pay bills.
Stealing money to pay for bills is an extremely poor decision, but one he chose all on his own. People have to work and work very hard to have the money they need to take care of themselves and be financially responsible as an adult. If your son needs to work two or even three jobs to provide for himself, then that is what he needs to do, and he knows it deep down. It’s just easier to get help from mom and/or dad, or as with his situation, steal the money.
Be very tough and very strong, and let him stay in jail. No more helping him with money please. It won’t make him be responsible.
[...] How To Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us [...]
[...] “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural [...]
The only question I have is what if your grown child is married to an abusive husband and needs somewhere to go until she can get a job and get on her feet? Do you send her to the women’s shelter?
Hi Nan,
Helping a grown daughter escape from an abusive husband would not be considered enabling, unless the time she is allowed to stay in a parents’ home or relative/friend’s home goes beyond what would be reasonable.
Her safety may be at risk, and anyone who helps her may be at risk from the abuser, so caution must be taken to protect not only the daughter but anyone who offers and provides help.
If there is any concern that the abuser may come after the daughter in order to harm her, it would be in everyone’s best interests for her to stay in a place the abusive husband is not aware of, perhaps a woman’s shelter or a friend/co-worker the husband doesn’t know.
Be sure to have a clearly defined, written and signed contract, that lays out all the details of how long she will stay, what “house rules” she must abide by, things expected of her as far as helping around the house and chores etc, including an end date of when she needs to be on her own.
Helping her get on her own doesn’t mean she gets to save her money to buy a house, pay off all her debt (if any after divorce), buy herself a brand new car, buy herself gadgets or spend money on fun and entertainment.
Helping her is only helping when it’s understood that, despite her circumstances, she must focus her attention and energies (and money) on getting back out on her own, in her own place, as quickly as possible.
If a parent takes on too much of the responsibility for helping a grown child, even in abusive situations, like babysitting children while the grown child is painting the town red with friends, parents often discover their help is being taken advantage of and problems mount.
Women in abusive relationships may find help in reading How to Hide Money From an Abusive Husband, and getting help from counselors, who can suggest various resources to assist in finding jobs and housing.
[...] Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children Are Parents Helping or Enabling Their Adult Children? How to Stop Enabling – When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us Are You An Enabler? Identifying Early Warning Signs of Enabling [...]
Here’s my situation and any help would be greatly appreciated… I have a 19 year old daughter living at hom who has 2 yr old twin boys. We agreed to support her as long as she went to college full time. This past semester she ended up dropping out saying it was too much with the kids (even tho they live with us and I quit my job to stay home to watch them so she could go to school). We told her to get a full time job and as of this date she is only working 8 – 10 hrs a week. She is very rude to me and very disrespectful. Never raises a finger around here to help clean and her room is disqusting. She does make sure the boys are clean and their environment is too tho. Her boyfriend some how now lives here and he is 21 yrs old and has an ok full time job. He continues to not go to work and takes my daughter and the boys out for the day to play. Spends excessive money on toys for himself. He doesnt help financially with the household nor do routine chores. My daughter is doing nothing to find a full time job even tho they both say how much they hate living here and want out on their own.
So my question is.. do I need to just kick them out and let them sink or swim… and my even bigger question is what about the twin boys? As of now my husband and I have full custody so that they can be on our insurance so technically they wont have to leave. Any help would be greatly appreciated… I seem to be alone in this battle with my husband hiding out and not wanting to deal with it.
Wow Kim! Her boyfriend is living there too?, but not working since he’s too busy playing? Yikes!
Yes, kick them out…sink or swim. This is a classic case of kids taking advantage of parents good intentions. Since you have full custody of the twins, they don’t have to leave as you said. But the two so-called adults get the heave-ho, and not allowed to move back in, not even for one day.
It’s a shame and disappointing that your husband is hiding away from this problem and not wanting to deal with it, but someone has to take the first step towards resolving this problem. Looks like it’s gonna be you Kim.
My 29 year old son came back to stay with me 3 months ago. He has been in and out of my house since he was 17. It seems like I’ve been doing this with him forever…I’ve kicked him out twice before and he seems to get his life together for a little while and then it falls apart.
He’s had drug and legal issues since he was 15. At one point I Baker Acted him to a mental hospital….he spent his 16th birthday in court ordered drug rehab.
I know in my head what the right thing for me to do…let him go to jail, sleep in the gutter, or die….it’s just so extremely hard. I raised him alone from 11 months old. His father was not interested in him at all. He is the only family I have.
He has been sleeping on my couch, spending all his money (he had a good job until 3 days ago) going out every weekend, and not even trying to be responsible I told him to come get his stuff and bring me the key. I haven’t heard from him since then and will probably have to change the locks (he has stolen from me before) today.
I’m tired of being taken advantage of, but I’m more tired of being sad, depressed, worried, etc.
This really sucks.
Donna, your story breaks my heart into pieces. Yes, these situations with grown children really does suck. I empathize with you in the struggle of knowing what you need to do vs the emotional pain of actually doing it. It must be done, for your sake and his. Don’t delay in changing the locks; you don’t want a repeat of past occasions of stealing from you. Hugs Donna!
Dear Donna,
We’ll keep you and your son in our prayers. It must be so difficult to see your child in such a destructive situation! Just remember that there are people who are there for you.
God bless both of you!
My BIL has a bench warrant(s?) out for his arrest. Now my husband has to go to court because he did not want to go to jail and gave the police his name and our address when he was pulled over for speeding and driving without a license. This brother has been in trouble, out of work and a alcohol/drug abuser for many years. Both my husband and I suspect that his parents will come to his brother’s rescue when the court date gets here, and once again he will be allowed to walk away without facing any of the consequences. We have cut off all contact with my BIL and will let the local prosecutor deal with him. He is furious with my husband and thinks we are “screwing him”. My in laws say they wish they had done something about his behavior when he was younger, but it’s too late now and they feel guilty. We are concerned that this is going to put a strain on their relationship with us because in the past they have expected us to “let it go” when there’s been trouble. But my husband’s livelihood depends on a spotless record and we cannot afford to look the other way this time. When our own child got into trouble a couple of years ago we had him take full responsibility for his actions, which included making restitution and probation until his 18th birthday. It was the hardest thing we’ve had to do as parents. But he has worked hard to turn his life around, become a good student and pay back what he owes; and we are proud of him. I hope everyday that this will be the day my in laws realize it’s not too late to stop enabling my BIL and “let go”. Meanwhile, we prepare for a process that’s going to cost us in legal fees and time spent away from work to clear my husband’s name.
Rae, this is so sad. Your BIL creates legal problems for your husband and that somehow makes you and your husband “the bad guy” with the relatives? Wow!
It’s wonderful that you’ve made your children take responsibility for themselves and their choices. Good for you! Those tough lessons will be remembered for many years to come, and they’ll be the better for it.
I too hope your BIL’s other relatives will really stop and think about what all has happened and how covering for him over and over again has lead to the current situation. I really hope your husband is able to clear his name and there are no long-term repercussions from this. Hang in there!
[...] How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us [...]
I have a 27 year old son sitting in jail right now , he has 2 children one her other grandmother and I switch back and forth so many days per week. I have know for years he has a pot problem and this is his second time being busted so that make sit a felony in this state . He has a college degreeand does nothing with it delivers pizza for a living his girlfriend mother of the baby that goes back and forth has the same trouble as my son and she doesn’t do anything but smoke pot and watch tv. My trouble is my son can play guilt on me so well and I keep blaming myself for his troubles and I want so badly to stop,but how? My husband is deployed to Iraq and we have already adopted our oldest sons 2 girls while he sits in Federal prison for 14 years and their mother flew the coop. I love my granddaughter but do not feel I can raise another child I will be in my 70″s when she goes to high school and my husband and I will have never had anytime to ourselves, but how do I let go of an innocent child? I do not want to go to court and support my son any longer will I be a bad parent if I don’t go and do not accept his collect calls? This is so painful.
Hi Alice, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. To answer your question, NO you are not a bad parent for not going to court or accepting his collect calls. Stop blaming yourself, and stop allowing your son to make you feel guilty. He obviously knows that he can “guilt” you into doing things for him, so put up an emotional and mental wall between him and you and stop allowing him to manipulate you.
You can only do what you can do, and when you’ve given all you can possibly give, or “help” as much as you can with taking care of grandchildren etc, you have to decide when and where to draw the line and stop stretching yourself out too much.
You have the right to your own life too. Parents are supposed to be taking care of their own children, not grandparents. Perhaps there is help on the children’s mothers side of the family, an aunt, sister, etc that can take the children in, or other relatives that can step in?
Lin,
Just wanted to touch base with you on how we are doing with regard to my step-sons and the enabling my husband does. I think the way they are going, they will never get married or have a family. I have tried to talk to my husband about the enabling, but he gets angry whenever I try to broach the subject after he has had to put another support check into the mail for his son who is in his tenth year of (full time) college (just for a basic degree). His older son is hinting about financing for his own business. We went through this a few years ago and it didn’t work then so don’t think it will now. I think I will just have to accept it. Nothing is going to change as long as my husband is alive. He has also set up his 401K so that his sons get half (even though they owe us a lot of money). I am tired of dealing with it. It isn’t right, but I am just making myself sick with worry about our future. If my husband hasn’t learned by now to say no, it won’t happen. I am going to concentrate on my wellbeing and just try to be as happy as I can be under the circumstances. I have my own children and grandchildren to enjoy and want to do that.
Hi Betty,
I’m so sorry this has been so difficult for you. Trying to get an enabling parent to see the real truth of what they’re doing can be very hard to deal with.
All I can say is do everything in your power to ensure your own financial security for the future. Whether that is a 401K plan for yourself, a nice nest-egg savings account or cd’s etc; just make sure your future is set so that when you are needing money for an unexpected health situation, car problems, etc…, that you have are able to take care of yourself and your own needs (regardless of what your hubby does).
It’s so important to have an “emergency fund” to cover expenses that suddenly pop up. So many women (not talking about you here Betty) assume wrongly that their husbands have set up their finances so that if something happens to the husband, that the wife will have plenty of money to live on. That’s just not the case in many situations, and many women end up in bankruptcy court because of huge amounts of debts (that they weren’t ever aware of), losing their house etc because of having no credit of their own and no knowledge and understanding about finances/retirement planning etc to provide for themselves if the unthinkable happened. Take care of yourself Betty, and make sure you have what you need to be alright financially.
Lin,
Thanks so much for the advice! You are so rightwhen you say that many women do not think about how to secure their own futures. Luckily I can still work part time for my old school district and make some decent money doing it. I plan to work for quite a few more years so that I can always have enough to have back up for myself. My retirement is ok, but I will work to supplement it. Luckily, I enjoy working with former colleagues so it isn’t a hardship. I feel blessed to be able to do it.
By the way, I recently found out my husband co-signed a large loan for his son who is still in college and that scares me a lot! (He co-signed for the older son four years ago and ended up paying off the loan unexpectedly when his son reneged on the loan.) This loan is much larger and the younger son is no better about paying bills, so…. I anticipate having to pay on this one for a long time. I can’t believe my husband did that without consulting with me beforehand! I think it was very dispectful of him not to tell me and to saddle us with that kind of debt (esp. with investments going down hill now)! What was he thinking??? If something happens to him in the next few years (he’s older than I am), I will have to pay off the loan. I have no reason to think that his sons are any more responsible than they were when they were younger.
We recently purchased vehicles and re-financed our house once again. If we were not supporting his younger son, we would have the finances to replace vehicles and do some work on the house. He doesn’t seem to realize how much he is spending on BOTH of his sons during each year.
I don’t understand enablers at all. They seem to feel guilty that they have what their adult children don’t have. They seem to forget how long it took to have the “things” they earned. They also don’t seem to think their children should have to save and earn the “things” THEY want. Something is just wrong with how they think.
I’m afraid that if we continue to go into a deep recession (or semi-depression), these adult children will just come home and live off parents who are struggling to make it when their investments are losing value. I sure hope I’m wrong.
Betty, I’d also be very upset to find out about loans being taken out to “help” grown children without my knowledge. I’d be furious for many reasons (lack of communication and loss of trust just to start with), and since such a situation would be something I’d get saddled with paying off if something were to happen to the hubby, the marriage would be in grave jeopardy. How would the hubby feel if you/I were to do the exact same thing without discussing it with him first? Most likely they’d be just as furious, but somehow it’s okay since it’s their children ie., grown step kids. Argh!
That ol nonsense about making sure kids “have it easier” than parents had it has created a society of entitled, lazy, unmotivated, selfish kids who are given everything their little hearts desire from the time they’re very young, through their teen years and when they become adults, it’s the misguided belief that the world “owes” them what they want instead of having to work their butts off for what they need and want.
It’s no wonder children/teens/adults go around using that word “owe”, as in.., “you owe me” this and that. Sheeeesh.
Lin,
You nailed it! It is too bad that parents have created this mess with their guilt, etc. and just think….! Our kids are the future – who will be/are running our government. No wonder there are so many scandals. Too many of them have no remorse for what they do when they cheat, lie and steal. They have been taught that they can do no wrong and are idolized instead of taught to be decent people who have basic moral values good judgment skills. It is something we all should look at long and hard and ask ourselves if this is what we want for our future and theirs. As long as there are parents who do not teach their kids right from wrong, and do not instill a good work ethic in their minds, this problem will not go away. It is up to all of us to go back a bit to what we learned and expect our kids to be productive and decent human beings as what was expected from us. We can start by teaching them to value life and work. They need the tools to be able to achieve success in whatever they choose for the future. Success without greed. Success with decency. Success with compassion. Success with ethics. Success with protection of all human beings. Success with humility. Making a lot of money doesn’t measure success. What we become is the measure of true success.
Sorry I couldn’t delete the 2nd comment. I tried to edit and somehow doubled it.
That’s alright Betty, I removed the duplicate one.
From the kind of messages I get through comments and private emails, many have the opinion that enabling began after the depression. Since I wasn’t around at that time, I have no concrete answer or opinion on that.
I don’t feel it’s productive to try to figure out when specifically helping became enabling in history, but just the fact that many people think they’re helping their kids when in actuality they are really enabling their children.
It also doesn’t have anything to do with how poor or financially wealthy a parent is, as enabling behaviors cross all boundaries, racial, ethnic, religious, financial etc.
Kids are given whatever their little hearts desire from the time children are very young, and as these kids become teenagers…, many wake up on their 16th Birthday to find a brand spankin’ new sports car in their driveway with a great big red bow on it, as if becoming 16 means parents “owe” them a car of any kind.
Whatever happened to kids growing up and earning their own money in order to buy the things they can afford with their own money? Kids haven’t learned nor have they been taught how to within their means. Kids don’t even know what the phrase “live within your means” actually means for them. Many parents don’t practice what they preach either; you can’t tell or teach children about money and money management when the kids themselves see the parents not doing it either, and going out and spending, spending, buying and buying and then struggle to make payments. Ugh….
[...] Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members How to Get Along With the In-Laws How to Fight Fair in Marriage How to Spice Up Your Marriage Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us [...]
I have one son. He lives 9 miles away. He is in a relationship with a married woman, and they have a child together. He has one from a previous marriage, and she has one as well. I used to ask the children over for an overnight with Grandma, but lately, they have “changed their mind” when I go to pick them up. I have changed my schedule, and made time for them, but they don’t respect that. The parents say nothing to the child. I am asked to babysit, and sometimes it if with 1/2 hour notice. When I do, I feel used. I am expected to visit on Sunday, but I don’t enjoy it. I have stopped visiting. I used to invite my son and his first wife over for dinner, thanksgiving etc. But after being stood up several times, I quit inviting them over. I feel like they think I SHOULD do these things, and that I owe them babsitting, but it doesn’t feel right to me. Last week, I was invited to the baby’s 1st birthday party, with 1/2 hour notice.
I want to be a part of their family, but it doesn’t feel right. I always feel like I am being manipulated and used. and almost always feel disrespected. Do I have to break off all ties with them, or is their a way to be in their lives and visist them when I want, but not be sucked into the disfunction?
Hi Joy, this is obviously a very difficult and emotionally charged situation. You have every right to decide when or if you will or won’t babysit. Being a grandparent doesn’t automatically mean there is an instant babysitter, with or without proper notice.
You have every right to say no to babysitting requests, and while you really don’t owe anyone an explanation or reason as to why you’re “not available this time”, if you want to you could always say you have other plans for that day/time.
I certainly can’t know whether there is manipulation going on or not, but it does appear that there is a definite communication break-down in the relationship between you and your son and his girlfriend. 1/2 hour notice to your own grandchild’s birthday party doesn’t and wouldn’t feel right to me either.
After you’ve had a chance to read my article about How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law, you may want to consider having a private conversation with your son in order to discuss your feelings openly and honestly, and allow him the opportunity to share his own thoughts and feelings at what may be behind this situation. Barring any of the specific problems described in the Mother-In-Law article, talking with your son would be a very important first step at resolving these problems.
No, you don’t have to break off all ties with them if you don’t want to or feel it’s necessary. You should absolutely be treated with respect and dignity, and not only will you need to discuss with your son how you’ve been feeling, but you will also need to clearly discuss reasonable and appropriate boundaries. What grandparents “should” do or not do is up for personal interpretation, and I always hate it when I hear stories about “should” this and “should” that. Who is making the rules anyway?
When talking with your son, there is a chance that he will tell you things that will upset you, perhaps things you’ve said or done that bothered him and his girlfriend. If so, these will very likely be things you weren’t even aware of, since they’ve obviously not discussed them with you, perhaps out of fear of hurting your feelings. Communication is needed on both sides, respectful and dignified communication. Only then will you know the core issues from his/their side and he/they will know what is bothering you, and only then can you all work together to resolve the problems and create a cohesive family unit where everyone is feeling respected and not used and manipulated.
Think about that, read the Mother In Law article, and come back and let me know how your conversation went with your son. Good luck!
[...] with grown, adult children living at home have arrived in my inbox, especially after reading How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us and the “Helping vs. Enabling” articles listed there that deal with the difference [...]
[...] asking or expecting your parents to rescue you from your repeated money mistakes. Parents need to stop enabling your poor choices; they are your choices and subsequent consequences, and you have to figure out [...]
[...] Your Marriage How to Spice Up Your Marriage: Fun and Easy Ways to Add Romance to Your Relationship How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us Understanding Assertiveness: Getting the Respect You Deserve What Does it Mean to Leave and Cleave [...]
I read on one of the other pages that it was wrong for adult children to show up at grandma’s house once a year for presents, then not see them for the rest of the year. My case is similar to that as I am divorced 14 years now from an extremely abusive man, and after a Restraining Order was placed on him we finally got away when my children were 12, 10, and 8 when we split.
After the order expired, for two years my ex came to see the children every day and took them to his mothers many times (she lives 3 hrs away).
After my ex met his current wife all visits stopped and he quit seeing the children. I tried to keep the relationship going between my children and my in-laws by meeting them half way, going for day visits (me driving up and back), etc. (She didn’t want them to spend the night & I couldn’t afford a motel).
The children and I were on welfare the first few years as I had been a stay at home mom during the 16 year marriage and didn’t even know how to turn on a computer. I finally got on my feet with a job and off welfare but money was really tight. My point is that my mother-in-law (who has no money problems) never did anything for these kids. She never made any special effort to see them, etc. So now there is little to no relationship with that side of the family including my ex, their father.
So who is responsible for MAKING the relationship happen so when the children do become adults they will care and want to see their father’s side of the family???? In my opinion it is the adults that should go out of their way to make a relationship with their grandchildren. Then, as adults, it is up to the kids. My mother in law traveled all over the world, went on every cruise and tour overseas, but never once made time to come and see her grandchildren……your thoughts???
Hi Judy, this is very sad indeed. (For anyone who hasn’t seen the article that you’re mentioning, it’s this article that Judy is talking about specifically).
Relationships are a two-way street, and while children/grandchildren are young, of course the adults (parents/grandparents) should go the extra mile to visit children/grandchildren that establishes a strong family bond. Grandchildren need to see their grandparents, and unless the grandparents are what I refer to as “elderly” and unable to drive/travel etc due to age or health reasons, grandparents should/must do everything within their power to communicate regularly and visit with grandchildren in order for the children to feel loved and adored by grandma and grandpa.
Once the kids have become adults, it’s important for both sides to take active steps to make regular phone calls to chat and stay connected, regular visits throughout the year (not just during Birthdays, Thanksgiving or Christmas). If there hasn’t been the heartfelt connection between adult children and grandparents, due to virtually no established bond, it’s understandable that adult children would not feel obliged to visit/call/give gifts etc.
Judy, the article you’re referring to is basically talking about teenagers and grown children who show up at parents/grandparents house ONLY when gifts are expected to be received. No phone calls or visits throughout the year until suddenly there’s a Birthday or Christmas, with the selfish attitude of “lets go to grandma and grandpa’s house to get our presents”, and then not seen or heard from at all until the next round of gifts are “owed”.
If your grown children don’t feel connected or bonded with their grandparents, and there’s been no real effort to establish and build such a bond throughout their life, then it’s understandable that your kids would basically feel as though their grandparents are virtual strangers to them. It’s a real shame to hear that your children’s grandma has managed to travel so much but didn’t feel the desire or need to travel to visit her own grandchildren. I don’t personally understand that. I’ve got my reservations all set to go to visit my grandson and grown children in February who live up north, and I can’t imagine or understand grandparents who don’t do the same. Then they sit back and whine and complain that their children or grandchildren never come to visit. Why should they?
It was a real ugly divorce!! The abuse my children endured was unspeakable! When I “caught” him with my daughter, I locked all 3 kids and myself in my bedroom every night; we were finally able to get away a few months later. I hardly slept during that period before that, as my ex became a predator. Many nights I would jump awake with him standing over my bed just glaring a flicking his fingernails. Another night I awoke with him peeking through the doorway of my bathroom just glaring at me. He would play “mind games” by taking the kids off in the car and not telling me. It was pure hell!
He finally hit me hard enough to send me to the hospital 1995, and I pressed charges. In court I testified of all the abuse and he was ordered to take anger mgmt classes, parenting classes, etc. but he was never charged for the molestation. After the Protective Order was expired he moved one mile away and came and played with the kids everyday with me there. When the kids misbehaved, he just left and went home instead of screaming, cursing and hitting them, then he came back the next day and everyone was over it.
It was dysfunctional but it worked. My divorce decree states that “at periods of time when he has custody of the children he is not allowed to sleep in the same bed with them.”
Now, the children are grown and my daughter remembers his molestation but the boys do not. However, the signs are there as my two youngest now believe they are gay and my oldest has other “root” issues relating to molestation and abuse.
Anyway, I testified to all of this in court and of course it made his side of the family hate me so therefore they didn’t make any effort to see the kids after the new wife came on board in 1997. People tell me they are better off but there is a huge wound there, and my kids feel abandoned.
I did go back to work, but have never brought another man in front of the kids as they were traumatized enough. I just devoted my life to them as best I could, but even that has not been enough…..does that make me the victim? I guess I wouldn’t change it, even if I could.
My in-laws traveled the world, my ex married an educated woman (she’s an architect and he’s an engineer) in 1997 who didn’t want anything to do with kids, and they now both work at the Pentagon.
He got away with it and went on to have his dream job……meanwhile his kids are angry, hurt and wounded people who are having a very hard time figuring out life and relationships……and my daughter tried to take her own life two months ago……….I guess that would make me the enabler….right?
My friends call me “Job” from the Bible, but I’m not that strong!! LOL…..maybe I should write a book and call it “woe is me.” Just kidding!!
No seriously, after years and years of counseling, I still don’t know how to help or not help my kids.
WOW Judy! I’ve written plenty about child sexual abuse on this site and I completely understand what you and your daughter have gone through. I don’t see how you would be considered an enabler though. Perhaps your daughter would be encouraged by this article and resources, as many people (thousands actually) have come to this site for information and help with dealing with sexual abuse. Being the mother of a sexually abused child does not in and of itself mean that you are an enabler, and I can completely understand the struggle you must be feeling in trying to figure out how or how much to help your daughter or your other children. Perhaps the article I just mentioned will help you and your daughter, and I wish you both all the best. It would be easy for me to say that the kids are better off not having anything to do with either their dad or the grandparents, but it is very true that regardless of the abuse endured, in the kids minds it’s still “dad” and still “grandma and grandpa” and open wounds are very hard to heal.
Judy,
I am sad to hear that there was so much abuse and that your children have to go through this sadness and confusion in their lives. I sometimes can’t believe how many of us went through abuse of some kind and that we are as strong as we are today. Molestation is a horrible thing and girls and boys who suffer through it certainly have the scars for life.
I just don’t understand how an abuser’s family can sometimes turn on the victims as if it is their fault somehow. It doesn’t make any sense at all! It’s as if the family thinks the children and spouse deserve such horrible treatment and that their precious son or daughter just couldn’t have done it. It must have been the victim’s imagination or something.
I went through just one incident of molestation and know that I would never have told my family that it happened (especially my mother). I just know she would have believed it was my fault even though I was only 12 years old and very trusting of everyone. It changed how I reacted to men, that’s for sure! I was never very trusting, again! Unfortunately, if a child is very close to the adult who betrays him/her, it’s worse. A child may still love that person in some way, but will never trust that person.
Even if your children never have a good relationship with their father’s family, they should be able to have the best relationship with you because you are not judging them, but loving them. YOUR love is unconditional. That’s what counts. If we have only one person in our lives we can turn to for that unconditional love, we are truly blessed. I am blessed because I have my children who love me for myself and know they are loved no matter what THEY do in their lives. Their father and his wife may have placed conditions on their love, but I don’t. I am doubly blessed because my husband feels the same way about them and they’re not even his children!!! How about that! Even with adversity, we can have what we need. Sometimes that’s all we can ask for.
Stay strong and God bless!
My almost 21 year old daughter seemed to be very responsible until about 8 months ago. She was working, had graduated from vocational school and was living on her own. Then she started using drugs and everything went downhill from there. She lost her job and her apartment. Her father and I put her through rehab but it doesn’t seem to have worked. We have been supporting her since but she is unappreciative and feels that she “deserves” everything we give her. She takes no responsibility for her actions and I am finally ready to cut her off. I am so physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially exhausted that my health and well-being are suffering. She is able to manipulate me so well that I am now having her contact her father (who sees through her lies and excuses) instead of me. It’s a relief not to have to deal with her drama any more even though the consequences scare me to death! Any advice?
Hi Leslie, isn’t it amazing how many grown adult children have the ridiculous idea that their parents “owe” them? Your daughter is definitely not the only adult child who feels the way she does, as it’s commonly referred to as the Entitlement Epidemic nowadays.
It’s time to cut the apron strings in a very swift and strong manner. Tough Love. While you certainly still love your daughter and want the very best for her, continuing to provide for her every want and whim isn’t beneficial for you or your daughter.
From your message, it appears as though your daughter is living with you. It’s great that her father sees through the nonsense and manipulation tactics so commonly used.
You cannot control her choices and behaviors. She must be held accountable and responsible for her own choices and decisions. The good, bad and the downright ugly. She chose drugs for herself, and you and her father did what you could to help her deal with it and that is all anyone could ever expect a parent to do.
Need creates motivation.
Give her a 30-day deadline to get a job, (two jobs if necessary) that will allow her the money she needs to live on her own. Where will she live? That’s totally up to her, so don’t do anything at all to try and find an apartment for her, and absolutely do not co-sign a lease. Perhaps she’ll find a roommate or a room for lease somewhere that she can afford; wherever she finds a place to live is fine, as long as it’s not with you or her dad.
Under no circumstances should a parent c0-sign an apartment for an adult child; it will come back to bite you. If she asks for help in finding an apartment, tell her she’s an adult and that you trust she will be able to find one on her own that she can afford with her own money.
Do not give her any money for a deposit on an apartment. No more money. No money for turning on utilities or deposits on utilities being put in her name etc. No money whatever.
Tell her about the 30-day deadline and include the fact that IF she doesn’t follow through with finding a job and working steadily to get a place of her own and acting like an adult, then at the end of the deadline she will be kicked out of the house. No If, And’s or But’s about it. No crying, whining, moaning and manipulations will do any good. Tell her that up front, so she knows there will be swift accountability for her actions and choices.
Do not back down or give into any of her nonsense. Hold firm to your resolve that you know it is better for her and for yourself that she behave and live like an adult, but not under your roof or her dad’s. No drawing up rental contract agreements etc where she “agrees” to pay you rent. She won’t hold up to the agreement, and you’ll be back to square one again.
Get tough, get strong, and let go of the emotional apron strings that she’s using against you as a mother. Let me know how it all works out.
I had two kids on crystal meth at the same time. I had no husband or support. I went to work everyday as if nothing were wrong, but home was a different story. Each child is different, but I think crystal meth is the most demonic drug existing today…..even more so than heroin.
I tried kicking my children out but never could do it when they came home desperate at 3 in the morning with all new promises……so I probably fueled it further. They both are clean and sober now……but I can only thank God and the many people who prayed for us.
Bottom line, you have to do what is best for you. Weigh the odds…..could you live with yourself if you turned your drugged up child away in the middle of the night and something happened to him/her??
30 day rehabs rarely work, and most allow the patient to have visitors….which are usually the “old” friends. They are like hotels where the patient is drugged and waited on hand and foot, including all meals cooked….and no dishes to clean up. Rehabs also diagnose almost every kid with “bipolar”…..that is the new buzz med for this decade. In the 80’s and 90’s it was ADD and ADHD…..causing an alarming number of children to be put on Ritalen, which is speed.
How can you drug your child when they are 6, and expect them to want to be sober when they are 16? Not all doctors do this, and some of them even believe the hype they’ve fallen into. I was born in the 50’s and no one had ADD back then. ….. or bipolar.
Drugs are a multi trillion dollar business and big Pharma and FDA wants your child!!
3 to 6 month programs work, like boot camps and interventions but they are expensive. If there is a Victory Outreach (VO) in your town, they are excellent and voluntary. Drive you child there instead of just kicking them out to the street. VO is free.
May God bless you and give you His peace.
Hi Judy.
I guess I might have felt the way you do about bi-polar disease if I hadn’t seen how my daughter and a couple of her friends have been able to lead somewhat normal lives since they have been on meds. The meds they are taking are regulating the chemical imbalances they have that led to their diagnoses of bi-polar disease. I seriously doubt my daughter would now be living on her own, paying her bills and dealing with the ups and downs of her disease if she were not on the proper meds for her. If you had seen how she was in her early 20’s, you would believe that her illness is real. Of course, she is closely monitored by her doctor so she gets only the meds she needs and in the proper doses. She was housed in several places for many years, but it was only recently that she was blessed to have a doctor who knows what to do for her and is sensitive to her needs. Nothing is ideal, but if something is working even most of the time, isn’t it worth pursuing it? Mental illness is not helped simply by putting someone in a short term program like a boot camp. It is a lifelong struggle for patients and their families. Ups and downs are common. Most of us are able to curb impulses and “come out” of down periods. People who suffer from mental illnesses cannot do that. They need help for years.
I hope this helps you to understand why we believe that some of these illnesses are real and why we have chosen to be advocates for our children who have these illnesses.
Thank you for your comments regarding my situation. There’s really a lot more to the story and your feedback has given me strength to share it. My daughter will be 21 years old in 2 weeks. After she lost her apartment I found out that she had gotten involved with “Blaine”. They had no place to stay so her father and I said they could move in with us until they got on their feet. We really didn’t know Blaine so I did some investigating because things didn’t feel right. I contacted his father who told me he had an Oxycontin problem. We asked him to leave and told our daughter that she could stay, but she elected to leave with him. They stayed at various friend’s places (both were, and still are, unemployed). Finally it got to be too much for our daughter, and she moved back home. That’s when we found out that they were both addicted to heroin and we sent her to rehab. In the meantime Blaine got arrested for possession and was sent to jail. After our daughter got out of rehab her good intentions lasted about a week until Blaine got out of jail and we were right back where we started. Lies, excuses, crying, etc. Bottom line is, our daughter is out of the house, homeless, with Blaine. I believe they are still using drugs. We’ve taken away her phone, her car, and have not given her any money since she left the house. I’m trying to take your advice to heart and let her make her own decisions and face the consequences. My husband and I are concerned about her safety however, and want to leave the door open to her in the event that she really wants to change. But how do we know if she means it? And what steps can we take to ensure that she follows through? The last time I talked to her I told her that if she left Blaine and wanted to come home, she would need a plan of action and would need to stick to it becuase I will not support her lifestyle and bad decisions. I absolutely will not support her relationship with Blaine. Any comments that you have on our situation would be appreciated.
Hi Leslie, I also appreciate the additional comments others have given for your situation. Readers can be of such wonderful help to each other with their recommendations and suggestions in the comment section and I’m thrilled with that.
How do you know if or when she really means it? That’s virtually impossible to tell anyone. With the history you mentioned of lying, crying, excuses etc so common with these situations, my personal opinion is that IF she really means it she will begin to show signs of real change in herself, her choices, attitudes and behaviors BEFORE trying to come to you or your husband for help.
I would venture the guess that she knows you’re fed up with the nonsense, and someone who really/truly wants to change will typically exhibit signs of true remorse and regret over past deeds. I understand the concern for her wellbeing and safety, but when it comes right down to it, she ultimately must decide for herself what her life and lifestyle will be (or not). Take things one step at a time, one day at a time, continuing to keep the lines of communication open and always letting her know you love and adore her, and want her to change things for herself. Sometimes that includes “hitting rock bottom”, and everyone is different as regards to when rock bottom actually happens and how, so I really can’t tell you what to look for.
Continue to be there for her as emotional support as any parent would do, but be very cautious to watch for those signs that trickery and manipulation may be in play without you being aware.
I’m sorry Betty……I wasn’t addressing mental illness, but drug abuse. I also never said that every single case was a farce or misdiagnosis; however, if you look at the numbers, there is an alarming amount of abuse regarding the dispensing of drugs that are not needed……especially to children.
I am glad the drug exists, and that it works for your daughter….that is a good thing. I addressed the abuse and overuse that is unnecessary, nothing else.
Sorry for any confusion.
Sorry. Judy. I guess I was so focused on mental illnesses that I missed the whole point of drug abuse.
I was a school secretary for about 15 years (and work part time now) so I have seen many, many elementary-aged children on Ritalin and some on anti-depressants. I have often thought that Ritalin is overused. Parents and sometimes teachers have suggested that drugs like Ritalin be prescribed so that children will be focused in class and at home. I did see a few children come in to the Office when they forgot to take their meds at home who were so unfocused that they were all over the place. I always thought they didn’t need meds until I saw how they were without them. I didn’t know whether or not they were having trouble because of the drugs or if they couldn’t focus on anything without the drugs. It just seems like drug use in this country won’t diminish if our kids use or see drugs dispensed casually. I know a lot of adults who pop pills regularly instead of trying to deal with a little discomfort like a slight headache or a little muscle pain. Guess we can’t blame kids entirely for becoming addicted to pills or other drugs when they see commercials on TV for every kind of pill imaginable.
My daughter takes a variety of meds. Unfortunately, some drugs cause liver damage or thyroid problems so she has to take other meds to deal with the side effects. Seems ridiculous, but that is the way it is! Meds are nothing to take lightly. They are powerful and the side effects can be devastating!
Hi Betty,
Well, here I go on my soap box:
When my middle son was a baby, he developed ear infections and asthma….the doctors and specialists gave him antibiotics, adrenalin shots, etc. for over 6 months. They wanted to put tubes in his ears, which was the big money-maker of the 1980’s (as if God just suddenly forgot to put tubes in babies ears)!! I read almost weekly that another baby had died during the procedure….NOT from the ear infections, etc. but from the anesthesia.
Nothing medical ever worked and nothing ever helped….it just got worse and the meds were actually making it worse b/c his bowels became very acidic and he developed sores from diarrhea and the toxicity of the meds….the sores were bleeding and he was screaming and gasping to breathe! I also had a very active 2 yr old, so needless to say I had zero sleep. I finally talked to a lady that lived behind me and she said I should call a nutritionist that she knew of and highly recommended. I was sleep depraved so I would have called Woody Woodpecker at that point! Richard and his wife, Claudia, came over about 10:00 a.m on a Saturday, and by 1:00 a.m Sunday morning, my son just had a slight wheeze, going from gasping for air.
Richard uses homeopathy, which is all natural. Six days later I took my son back to the specialist and he said “oh, he outgrew it!!!” Can you believe???? I said in 6 days??? The doc never backed down, nor would he acknowledge homeopathy!! Such ego!!
We kept my son on Richard’s program and changed his diet. Who knew that Similac and Soy formula could cause allergies! No doctor ever even hinted that what I was feeding him was killing him…..
We took my son off all dairy and put him on goat’s milk….he thrived. Within weeks he was growing teeth and the most beautiful curly hair you ever saw. We fed him veggies, chicken and turkey, and no starch or dairy or sugar.
It worked so fast it was like a miracle.
Meds do have their place, but they are way overused!!
My sister is a 4th grade teacher and sees these drugged kids every day. She says that most of the time (not every case) the chaos going on in a child’s brain is from the chaos going on at home.
Yikes, Judy! What a mess! I’m really glad that you found someone who could help your son. Alternative medicine certainly has its place in our lives.
Tubes were big news when our kids were small, but they didn’t help much. The kids had so many ear infections before they got them so we agreed to have them put in.
At that time, we were blessed with a family doctor who was into holistic medicine which helped a great deal especially when I had a new baby with the flu. He couldn’t nurse and I was also sick so we were in a bind. He was only able to take in carob powder mixed with brown rice water that our doctor prescribed. It did the trick.
Didn’t use commercial baby food. Gave the baby what we ate when he was ready for foods (pureed chicken, mashed potatoes, and veggies, that he could handle minus salt and spices). Also some fruit that he was ready to eat.
Very fortunate that we belonged to a food buying group that only purchased certified organic foods (that included cheese that was not colored with dyes). No hot dogs, bacon, sausage, lunch meats, etc. Cooked from scratch because I was lucky to be able to stay home to do it. No extras because of my quitting outside work, but we didn’t care. Those were the days of great garage sales for recycling clothes, furniture, dishes, cookware, kids toys and books, etc. We did that in the early 70’s and it wasn’t a new concept even back then.
If families can exist like that these days, it really helps avoid spending money that just isn’t available, and helps by staying away from expensive junk food. I know it’s not easy for families where both parents still have jobs or when a single parent has to work one or more jobs, but it does make a difference in the lives of children and parents. I know WE were all healthier and more active.
Oops! The last part didn’t make it. I was just commenting on kids who live in chaotic homes (on meds or not) and how it may contribute to their behavior at school. I feel sorry for parents today. Some of them may have been latch key kids so were not supervised much. It would be difficult to learn parenting skills in a situation like that. They need help and often would ask for advice from our office staff at school. We could only give them what we felt was very general information because we were not professionals and didn’t want to overstep our boundaries. It’s best left to professionals to help families learn parenting skills for these at-risk kids.
Hi Judy and Betty,
I’m about to send you both an email about a completely different topic, where I hope you both can offer some encouragement to a lady who commented on another article on this site. Please check your spam folder as it will likely end up there since I’ll be providing the link to the article.
Its really important to stop our children from doing wrong things from their early childhood.The tips and suggestions are the most appreciable. Being a responsible parents it seems to be very difficult but at the same time it is quite important to train our children for every areas of life. Thanks for the nice job.
My 26 year old daughter and my grandson live with me. When my grandson stays with his Dad, my daughter stays out all night, sometimes days at a time. She likes to drink and says she just spends the night instead of driving home. This makes me very angry. We feel that we are just a pit stop for her. She does have a full time job and does help some around the house. She is trying to move out but doesn’t have enough money saved up, she is also waiting on child support to start. She works a part time job and spends that on eating out and partying instead of putting some away for when she moves out. She is very rude and disrespectful when I bring up the conversation about staying out all nigh. I worry and can’t sleep at night when she is out all night and it’s stressing me out. I want her to move out now but I know that she can’t afford it. Could you please give me some advice in this matter. Thank you.
Hi Anita, what you’re dealing with here is quite common with grown adult children living at home with the parents, and you’re seeing and feeling the effects of it. Your daughter is working full time AND part time at a second job, but can’t afford to move out? Interesting….
If your daughter were to not spend her money on going out partying and drinking at all hours of the night, maybe she’d have the money she needed to move out and live on her own with her child and start acting like an adult.
You don’t mention how long she’s been living with you, but it’s obvious that you’re ready for her to move out on her own. It’s time to come up with a deadline date that is written in stone and that you won’t waver on. You probably know how much money she makes or at least you have some idea of her income to help you come up with a reasonable deadline for her to have moved out.
Think about how much money she’d have to get her own place IF she didn’t spend her money on other stuff, including going out partying. Based on that, and include the amount she expects to get for child support, and decide on a move out deadline date. 30 days? 60 days tops. No arguing, no bargaining for more time, no “but mom” this or that.
She’s taking advantage of you and your home, being disrespectful towards you as her mother, and it will continue and worsen as long as you allow it. Your efforts to help your daughter have been with good intentions I’m sure, but it’s time to stop “helping” her and start requiring her to stand on her own two feet as an adult and parent to her own child, and quit acting like a teenager wanting to have her cake and eat it too.
Decide on a reasonable deadline date, then sit down with her and tell her that you’ve done all you can do to try and help her, but that she obviously doesn’t want or need your help anymore. Arrange to meet your daughter somewhere public, like at a restaurant and tell her she needs to start looking for a place to live, and that she must be moved out of the house by [insert deadline date] because you need to focus on your own life and ……………. whatever else you want to say.
Don’t allow your daughter to rant and rave at you if/when she becomes angry at you. I typically recommend that parents tell their kids about having to move out in a public restaurant or somewhere other than at home, so that if/when the “adult” child starts complaining and causing a scene, the parents can leave and go home in their own car separately from their child.
This gives the adult child some time to calm down and deal with their own feelings and emotions, and it makes clear that the parents aren’t going to be bullied and ridiculed for making a stand. If there is another family member or close friend that can go with you as “back up”, then bring someone along with you (if you want to) for emotional support. Either way, you have to stand firm on your deadline date, and be sure to tell her that on that deadline date at such-and-such a time you will have changed the locks and she won’t be given a key.
Watch out for emotional blackmail tactics like her saying you won’t be allowed to see your grandchild etc. She’ll likely be angry for a little while, so just dismiss her anger and don’t let it get it to you emotionally, because that’s exactly what she’d want. Be strong, show no emotion, no tears of any kind. Act completely opposite of what she would hope or expect from your reactions to what she may say.
Tough love Anita. It’s stressful and hard to do for many parents, but if you don’t do it and get your daughter living on her own as an adult, what you’re seeing and experiencing right now will only get worse. I promise you that. Good luck, and please come back and let us know how it all went. We’re here to support and encourage you along the way.
[...] adult children” or “controlling parents”, you likely came across my articles about parents helping vs. enabling adult children and didn’t think those apply to your specific situation (or they do apply, but that’s not what [...]
I just ordered your book…”Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children” I should have had it 26 years ago. My grown daughter (46) has a 2 day a week job and I have been paying her rent for 9 months now. She has a 20 year daughter without a job and a sometimes boyfriend who does – you know what!!!!
I am sick of bailing the woman and her family out and it has gotten worse. I am retired,have my own home, pay my own way and am now dipping into my nest egg. HELP!!!!!!!
Hi Hedy,
First let me say that the Setting Boundaries book is not “my” book, but is a very informative book on dealing with grown children who have serious entitlement issues and how to stop the nonsense. I’m sure you will enjoy the book and the information provided there.
You have to put your foot down once and for all. No more money handouts, no more paying your grown adult daughter’s rent or any other bills she for “help” with. ZERO money.
Each and every time any of them ask you for money or ask you to pay a bill for them, say “I’m sorry but I can’t help you, but I’m sure if you put your mind to it, you’ll figure out how to take care of it yourself and make it so it isn’t a problem for you anymore”. No further discussion – no “but mom” nonsense full of pleading and begging and guilt-trips galore. Just tell her/them NO and change the subject or get off the phone by saying “I’ve really got to go now, talk to you later, bye” and hang up. If your phone starts ringing again and you know it’s from one of your kids, don’t answer the phone, just let it ring or go to voicemail.
No matter what the excuse or so-called “reason” for the money request or “help” as they would likely put it, just keep on telling them Sorry but I can’t help you. Don’t give them any specific reasons for saying no – you don’t owe them any explanation at all. Your money is your money, and they are NOT entitled to it – but they are entitled to start acting like grown adults and do what the rest of us have to do to take care of OURSELVES. If their electric gets shut off, ok fine, it gets shut off and they’ll figure out a way to come up with the money they need to pay to get the electric or other utilities turned back on. NATURAL CONSEQUENCES……. if they don’t pay their rent and they get evicted…… again, natural consequences. Even if they have to (somehow) move into a cheap motel/hotel, or even if they put themselves in a situation where they stay at a shelter for a time, it’s a TOUGH LOVE lesson these “kids” have to learn once and for all.
Trust me…, they won’t starve or die. They will learn the needed tough lesson of what it means to be an adult, rather than an entitled, selfish, lazy moocher and get up off their butts and get a job (or two jobs if necessary) and begin taking care of their own business themselves, rather than running off to you and pressuring you or putting guilt-trips on you (or ridiculous and juvenile threats of not letting you see grandkids etc).
Permanently CLOSE the “bank of mom and dad” once and for all. Say no, mean no, and no never ever means yes. Put your foot down and put it down HARD.
I have e-mailed you before – I still have my phones unhooked – he still calls and contacts me at work – his excuses are just unbelievable – he’s almost 29 – when will it stop? How can I get a copy of the book? I cannot stand to talk with him because I am such a pushover – my doctor said the stress is getting to me and I must just say “No”
Thanks for all your help and prayers
Hi Hedy,
Oh my gosh! Please, please STOP NOW enabling your daughter! Your family won’t stop expecting your support until 1) you put your foot down & stop giving; or 2) you are broke!
My husband has “helped” his sons so much that he continues to dip into our retirement savings with much anxiety, but it hasn’t stopped him. We have a huge mortgage on our house from doing this (among other things – long story). We should not have a mortgage and should have plenty of savings (even though we took a huge hit from this recession). I was hoping that when his younger son left to ilve with his mommy early this month(as his older son is doing), we would finally be free of both of them. Not so. For instance, my husband recently sent his older son $500 for his birthday. That’s insane! No one needs to get that much for a birthday when they are his age (47)! I have been urging my husband to only get our kids cards for their birthdays. They aren’t children! They don’t need parties every year & presents every year. I can see getting together for dinner or some little treat occasionally to celebrate all birthdays together , but he is still trying to be the good old dad with these people. It’s getting tiresome. I have been talking about counseling and must do something about it very soon. It may not help, but maybe having someone outside of the family letting him know he is really hurting his sons by enabling them will give him the jolt he needs. None of us – family or friends – have been able to get him to slow down or stop with the enabling. He gets very defensive & says that they ARE trying to find work & he is just helping until they do. Well, these brats have been “looking” for work for years! How long does it take to give up on them & think about OUR future?? I think I need the book. I should get it, read it, & leave it out so my husband will pick it up (he will) and read it.
Good luck!
Sorry Hedy. Forgot to mention that you also should not let your family live with you. At least I was successful with that one! It went something like this:
Last month, my husband’s younger son asked if he could move in with us instead of moving in with his mother, but I said NO. I was not going to have him here with us driving us crazy. He would have used our phone to make many long distance calls, asked for date money, made our house a mess, & would have had friends in while we were away. I could just see it and wouldn’t agree to it. My experience with his son using our cottage in another town for laundry & who knows what taught me that! My husband tried to tell me that his son did not ask to live with us, but I overheard his son ask while they were talking on the phone the evening before my husband asked if he could move in. So, this is my advice for whatever it’s worth.
My son just checked himself into a correctional rehab facility for 3 months. He was arrested for unlawful entry, possession of marijuana and most recently in the local park after curfew. He’s 20 years old. He has been in rehab for 3 days and I get a phonecall twice a day from him. At first he was scared and full of anxiety. He’s not a very big kid and there were some pretty rough characters there that had him rattled. Now his being scared has turned to anger. He wants out and I just keep encouraging him that he can do this. I keep telling him that the alternative could be jail and he needs to buck up and follow through. He feels he doesn’t belong there cuz he just smokes weed but it’s more than that. He has been getting in more and more trouble and I just see it leading to him going to prison eventually. I am full of anxiety myself and everytime he calls, I feel so afraid for him. I have to keep reminding myself that he’s going to be ok and that this is the best thing for him. I have realized though that I have some enabling tendencies myself and I don’t want to do that. I want him 2 get his act together and grow up. I’m tired of this. I have another child who is 23 and she is doing great. Just got married and is very responsible. My son has ADD & OCD and I think I started enabling him because of his problems and he learned how to really manipulate me. He’s not disrespectful toward me but he just hasn’t taken responsibility for his own choices. I need to be strong and continue to just encourage him to stick with this and not baby him. Any words of advice or encouragement? I hate feeling sick to my stomach everytime he calls me. I’m almost happier when he doesn’t. I love him dearly but all this drama just wears me out.
Hi Serena,
Being strong and allowing your son to experience the full consequences of his choices is the best thing you can do. You mentioned your son calls you twice a day, and how the phone calls and his wanting out are very stressful to you and you don’t want to enable him. There is no rule or requirement that you must accept two phone calls per day. For me personally, even once every single day complaining about how unfair the situation is (that he chose for himself) is too much stress and drama. If it were me, I would set some boundaries that he can call you three or four times per week, but twice a day is a bit much in my opinion. Of course he’s hoping that the things he tells you and how what he did isn’t so bad etc will get to you emotionally and will cause you to take some action he’s wanting. Of course he’s scared – but being scared about what his life in prison would be like if he doesn’t straighten up would be a heck of a lot scarier than what he’s feeling now. Let me be scared – let him think about the choices he’s been making and how those choices are and have been affecting his life, and his future. Don’t be at his beck and call regarding phone calls and/or visitations. Step back and allow him to deal with the natural consequences of his personal choices. Hang tough and be supportive emotionally, but don’t break down and allow his complaints to get to you. That is the best thing you can do to really help him wake up to the realities of his choices.
I have finally come to the realization that I am guilty of enabling my 30 year old daughter. She is a divorced mother of two children and has a masters degree. She just quit her job because of too much stress and is planning to move in with my husband and me. I am prepared to give her a deadline, but expect that she will find a man to live with and take my grandchildren with her. I am able to accept that she may make a bad decision, but am scared for my grandchildren. The spend a lot of time with my husband and me and truthfully we have parented them more than their mother.
Hi Rose, your situation is a common one for many parents. Realizing that you’ve been enabling your daughter is the first step towards stopping the enabling. If there is any possible way for you to NOT allow your daughter to move in with you, even temporarily with a deadline, all of you will be much better off in the long run. Many, many parents have emailed me that they’ve allowed their adult child to move in with a set deadline almost written in stone, only to find that their “child” ignores the deadline and comes up with excuse after excuse that they can’t afford to move out “right now” and how hard they’re trying to find a job etc. It often turns into two or three years later that the parents put their foot down firmly and basically kick their adult child out of the house. The “child” often moves in with friends for awhile and then manage to move into their own place, because they have to finally start acting like an adult and not a whiny teenager who refuses to grow up.
Parenting adult children isn’t an easy task. Letting go and allowing them the freedom to make their own choices and deal with the natural consequences of their choices requires parents to be tough and stay tough. Don’t allow concerns about your grandchildren to put you in a position where you find yourself being manipulated, blackmailed or threatened by your adult daughter over visitation with your grandchildren. I’ve heard from numerous parents who are currently dealing with grown children who refuse to allow the grandparent time with the grandchildren, all in an attempt to manipulate and control the parents. Don’t fall for it. Good luck Rose!
Hi, Rose.
I just wanted to add something that you and Lin have probably already thought of, but didn’t say in your comments. Have you talked to your daughter about why she feels she had so much stress she had to quit her job? Maybe she doesn’t realize that many women have to raise children by themselves and not only work one job, but many times TWO stressful jobs or more! It would be great if no one had to deal with these circumstances, but it is reality. Maybe if she didn’t have you and your husband there to take her in she would figure out how to make her life work on her own. I wish you luck. Like Lin says, deadlines may not work and YOU may have more stress than you need with more people to take care of.
I am writing to update my current situation with our son. A while back I wrote about our son who borrowed and kept holding his hand out for more. He convinced us he had changed and held his hand out once more. We thought we were helping and again we enabled. He has defaulted on this most recent loan also. “When we expected him to be on time with the most recent payments, he said “we were all about money” and “money mongers”. It was easy for him to blame us for wanting our money back. My husband refuses to bring him to court and I have decided our marriage is more important than being right.
We feel foolish to have wanted to believe in him but we realize now that he will probably never learn. He is not in our lives but we are stronger now and can handle the distance. I wish I did not have to admit I did it again. I know now that you need to let them fall. They will learn NOTHING until you do. We have 2 daughters to focus on and be grateful for. We feel stronger and united in our decision to let go and look forward. Thank you Lin, for everything.
Hi Debbie, please don’t feel “foolish” or guilty in any way. It takes time to realize where the priorities are for many young people and adult children in order to put a stop to any enabling.
You and your hubby really felt and believed in your hearts that you were helping your son, and you helped him with the best of intentions. Your son’s blaming you for supposedly being “all about the money” or being “money mongers” etc is a classic and typical tactic used by grown kids and teenagers too to try and get what they want from their parents.
It’s been really sad to hear from so many parents and grandparents in their elderly years who have emailed me about these “helping vs enabling” articles, where they have explained their personal situations with a son, daughter or grandchildren always asking for money. So many have said that the money has been the only real “relationship” had between these parents and kids, otherwise the parents/grandparents never see or hear from these “kids” until there is another request for money or “help” with paying off a debt or getting a new car loan etc. The end results that have come from those situations have been very very sad.
I’ve lost count of how many elderly folks have said their life savings is almost gone now because of helping so much, and they’re worried now about how they themselves will provide for their own needs when all the money is gone. Some have said their own money is virtually wiped out and when they asked for help from those they had already helped, suddenly the phone calls and visits all came to a complete stop. Heartbreaking indeed. Hang in there Debbie.
I wanted to add another thought on enabling adult children. While on vacation, a woman of 80 plus years was sharing how she was no longer going to help her adopted son with money. She was a woman of means and felt she should continue to give her son money for cars and life’s expenses. She was FINALLY realizing what a mistake it was. It will not end until we wake up! Lets not wait until we are in our golden years.