Being a responsible parent is never an easy task, from the time our children first enter the world and well into adulthood, our job as parents to teach and train our children in all areas of life is often fraught with one obstacle after another, and parents need to know how to deal with the problems as they occur as well as prevent as many problems as possible.
Regular readers of Telling It Like It Is are likely familiar with previous articles where I have discussed the mounting entitlement issues so prevalent in society today, with adult children still living at home with mom and dad, and the struggles parents have in getting their adult children to be responsible financially, mentally and emotionally. For new subscribers and visitors, here are a list of the articles I’ve written that deal with money management, helping and enabling adult children, teenagers and yes, even very young children:
Getting adult children to be responsible for themselves in all areas of life is often hindered by well-meaning parents who want to “help” their children become independent or, “get back on their feet”, but instead come to realize later on that the help provided never seems to end.
Adult children continue to make poor choices and bad decisions regarding how they spend their money, then expect mom and dad to pick up the tab and continuously rescue them from experiencing the consequences of their choices and behaviors, wrongly thinking their parents are a 24-hour bank or ATM machine.
Enabling Adult Children
Adult children, some married with children of their own, are moving back home with their parents at an alarming rate, and shortly thereafter parents become frustrated when boundaries and rules are repeatedly broken, and requests for more money requires parents to dig deep into their life savings and retirement plans to the point where parents have gone broke helping their children.
Enabling occurs even when children are not living with the parents, with adult children and spouse working full-time jobs continuing to make regular phone calls to parents asking for money to pay utility bills because “It’s going to get shut off!”, or saying their “car is going to be repossessed” or the old standby, “We have no food in the house!”. My response would be, “I’m sorry to hear that but I can’t help you this time, and I have full trust and confidence that you will find a solution to the problem, and do what is necessary to make sure it doesn’t happen again”. Real NEED creates REAL motivation for change.
Not being an enabler myself, my message to parents is, “Just say no! Don’t give them anymore money and by all means, Kick them out of the house and change the locks!” I’ve heard from many parents who tell me their adult children are constantly asking for money “to pay bills”, while these “adults” are spending their own money on manicures, pedicures, Botox treatments, new clothes, expensive cell phones, concerts and sporting events, electronic gadgets and other luxuries, all while “there is no food in the house”.
Learn How To Let Go Of The Control
Enablers have to learn how to “let go” of their adult children, let go of the control and Co-Dependent tendencies that run rampant amongst enabling parents and their children, allowing their adult children to experience the consequences that go with making choices on their own.
Continuously rescuing adult children, paying their bills, giving them money, allowing them to live at home with the parents, shielding them from the realities of how the real world works has created an Entitlement society. Todays society of teenagers and adult children have come to believe their parents “owe” them whatever their hearts desire, and if parents don’t put a stop to it and close the bank of mom and dad, the problems of entitlement are only going to get worse.
When your adult children ask you for money tell them, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you this time”. The next time they ask, repeat the same sentence. Do not give your adult children any more money! Able-bodied children, working or not, can and need to learn how to manage their own lives, and that cannot be accomplished as long as children know that parents are their personal “back up plan”.
Why would your children make the grownup decision to get smart with their money, when they know they can spend their own money frivolously on their extensive “want” list, knowing you will give them a handout time after time? Stop it and stop it now, before you find yourselves penniless in your elderly years with no financial means to take care of yourself.
How To Stop Enabling Adult Children
Children know what buttons to push with parents, especially when there are grandchildren being used as an excuse to get money from parents and grandparents, making it vitally important to learn how to stop enabling irresponsible adult children.
If your children have jobs of their own, no one is going to starve to death, and while their electric might be turned off due to bad choices, allowing them to experience the consequences of their own decisions really is helping them more than you may realize.
Oftentimes people in society equate enabling with alcoholics or drug abuse, with many books being written on how parents and family members can help these children and adults conquer their problems, but the overall subject of helping vs. enabling covers a wide range of relationship dynamics between parents and children, but without an equal number of books and resources.
Stop Enabling Your Adult Children
When Our Adult Children Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around him. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors.
The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love
Co-dependency of which enabling is a major element can and does exist in families where there is no chemical dependency. Angelyn Millers own experience is a dramatic example: neither she nor her husband drank, yet her family was floundering in that same dynamic. In spite of her best efforts to fix everything (and everyone), the turmoil continued until she discovered that helping wasn’t helping. Miller recounts how she learned to alter the way she responded to family crises and general neediness, forever breaking the cycle of co-dependency. Offering insights, practical techniques, and hope, she shows us how we can transform enabling relationships into healthy ones.
Toughlove
I’m a big believer in being a tough parent, setting guidelines and boundaries with children regardless of their age, and staying firm on what behaviors are or are not acceptable. Toughlove is not about being abusive towards our children, nor is it solely focused on children with drug or alcohol addictions, and I highly recommend this book for parents struggling with their children, teens and adult kids.
Are you an Enabler? Have you been struggling with the difficulties in trying to understand how to help your adult child but find yourself in the rather upsetting position of being an enabler? Do you understand that there is a difference between helping and enabling? What changes are you willing to make in letting go of the control over your children’s lives, so they can be independent and responsible financially, mentally and emotionally?
Further Reading:
Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children
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34 responses so far ↓
1 Are You An Enabler? Identifying Early Warning Signs of Enabling Behaviors | Telling It Like It Is // Apr 10, 2008 at 5:31 am
[…] How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us […]
2 Closing The Bank Of Mom and Dad | Telling It Like It Is // Apr 10, 2008 at 5:34 am
[…] How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us […]
3 ~Raising Independent Children-Not Moochers~ | Telling It Like It Is // Apr 10, 2008 at 5:35 am
[…] How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us […]
4 Are Parents Helping Or Enabling Their Adult Children? | Telling It Like It Is // Apr 10, 2008 at 5:38 am
[…] How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us […]
5 Momo Fali (7 comments.) // Apr 10, 2008 at 10:31 am
You know, I’ve really tried to enforce the “no entitlement” rule with my school-age children. I have an older sister in her 50’s, and my Mom STILL sends her money and enables her all the time. I don’t want to be that Mom. I want my kids to stand on their own two feet and be able to get through tough times on their own. It starts young.
6 Lin (640 comments.) // Apr 10, 2008 at 10:53 am
Momo Fali, it really does start young, parents have to do everything possible to get kids to do what they are capable of doing, whether or not they want to do it. It’s called being a responsible adult.
7 RT Cunningham (11 comments.) // Apr 10, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I’m confused. Isn’t enabling cutting off the strings? Maybe I have the terms backwards.
8 Lin (640 comments.) // Apr 10, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Hi RT, enabling is when parents DON’T cut the apron strings, financially or otherwise. Constantly giving grown kids money, paying their bills for them, etc. Yep, you have the terms backwards, but it’s all cleared up now.
9 Hungry Mother (45 comments.) // Apr 10, 2008 at 6:10 pm
We raised our children in a small town in PA. We constantly told them, as they were growing up, that we wanted them to go away to college and that we insisted that they move away from their hometown, at least for a few years, after college.
Our youngest, now a successful engineer, was very angry with us during high school because she wanted to come right back to the town after college to be with her high school friends. Now she appreciates what we did for her.
10 Lin (640 comments.) // Apr 10, 2008 at 9:14 pm
HM, you make a good point. Grown adult children may very well become angry at their parents when the hand-outs stop.
Kids may even increase the level of manipulation on their parents, or try to “guilt” parents into giving into their demands for money.
Staying strong and tough will have large dividends in the end, with children realizing what parents did for them by not making things so easy for kids. Very good point HM, thanks for bringing that up.
11 Jeff@My Super-Charged Life (6 comments.) // Apr 11, 2008 at 9:29 am
Lin - Setting the right expectations for our children seems very important. We have to teach them to stand on their own two feet. When we constantly come to their aid, they never learn to depend on themselves. I have young children, but I hope they will grow up to be independent, responsible adults. Great article!
12 Lin (640 comments.) // Apr 11, 2008 at 9:47 am
Hi Jeff - you are exactly right. Parents have to begin teaching children how to manage money and finances from a very early age, continuing througout the teen years, so children can be independent and responsible as adults. Thanks for contributing your thoughts!
13 Rachel (1 comments.) // Apr 11, 2008 at 1:13 pm
My grandmother in law does this for her sons, anytime they mess up she covers right away, and then acts like there isn’t a problem. It has become a problem because she covers up for her son who is an acholic. I think she should work on getting him help, but she just tells him everything is going to be ok. Sometimes you have to be tough.
14 Lin (640 comments.) // Apr 11, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Hi Rachel,
Enabling really is a big problem for many parents and even grandparents, and it’s such a shame too because children won’t learn how to take care of themselves if parents/grandparents continue doing too much for their kids.
Thank you also for the email message, I will respond promptly to your question/request.
15 Debbie // Apr 11, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I agree that its important for our adult children to go out on thier own. I also know that its very costly and nearly impossible for them to buy a home of thier own. I would have no problem with an adult child living home as long as they are being financiallly responsible and saving as much as they can.
I have always told my children that this is the only FREE ride that they get. There will never be a landlord or a bank that will allow you to live rent or mortgage free. Take everyday that they live home and use it wisely. SAVE, SAVE, SAVE or get out. We asked our son to leave when we realized he was not using our home to his betterment. How quickly he found out how expensive it is to be an adult!!!
The maternal instinct kicks in when you see your children struggling. When they were small, we would jump up if we saw them fall. They will grow up fast when they are figuring it out for themselves and and even faster when we let them fall.
Children today definately have a disillusional sense of entitlement. Some of them need life to slap them in the face to wake them up. Thankfully there are some who figure it out early on and follow the rules of sensiblilty. As much as my son has tested me over the years, I have two daughters that just “got it” early on. There is hope in all of them!!!! Thank you again Lin for guiding me thru to the day I said, ” no help yourself, I’m done!! So far, so good!!!
16 Lin (640 comments.) // Apr 11, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Hi Debbie,
I’m glad my advice has been helpful to you. I see examples of entitlement happening all the time, and it’s so frustrating to see how grown up children are abusing their parents in this way.
17 Susan (1 comments.) // Apr 13, 2008 at 10:42 pm
This is some great information. I think my in-laws need to read this about their adult children to save them some heartache.
18 Lin (640 comments.) // Apr 13, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Hi Susan, thanks for stopping by. Feel free to email a link to them, or print off these articles about helping and enabling adult children. Too many parents are losing their life savings by enabling adult children, and end up broke themselves in their elderly years.
19 Tot's Mom (3 comments.) // Apr 13, 2008 at 11:15 pm
I guess it all depends on how you bring them up and the values that you instil upon them when young. Anyway, saying No is often tough becasue as a parent you would always be inclined to help, however old they may be.
20 Lin (640 comments.) // Apr 13, 2008 at 11:19 pm
T.M, it has a lot to do with how children are raised, that’s for sure. But, when grown children are treating parents like a bank and not being responsible for themselves financially or in other ways, parents have to be tough and say No, or the “help” offered will never, ever end. That’s why 35 year old “kids” are still living with parents. Some are even over the age of 40 and still living with mom and dad. That’s ridiculous!
21 Article Reviews #6: From Around The Net // Apr 18, 2008 at 2:56 am
[…] of Telling It Like It Is offers her insight on "How To Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us. I know exactly what she means. This is just one of her many articles on enabling versus helping, […]
22 Helping and Enabling - Is There A Difference? | Telling It Like It Is // Apr 18, 2008 at 8:13 pm
[…] How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us […]
23 Carnival of Ethics, Values, and Personal Finance - May Edition | Greener Pastures: Personal Finance // May 4, 2008 at 5:27 pm
[…] Burress presents How To Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us posted at Telling It Like It […]
24 Susan Fink // Jun 15, 2008 at 4:12 pm
I have once again spent the weekend in bed with phones off the hook. My son - 28 - constasntly calls for money -use of the car - he always has a reason - but I never see any results - I bought him a bike since a car is out of the question.
I am terrified of what will happen to him if I cut of the money etc - I believe drugs are involved. He gets a job - does great for a few weeks - then something happens and he looses his job - it just goes on and on.
Everyone tells me just to say :No More: - but it kills me - I feel like I just want to close my eyes and sleep forever.
Sue
25 Lin (640 comments.) // Jun 15, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Sue, it’s of course very obvious that the subject of helping vs. enabling is an extremely difficult one for you personally. I’m going to email you privately so be sure to check messages in your spam filter, as my email may be filtered there. Talk to you soon.
26 Betty (1 comments.) // Jun 17, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I have read with interest the comments from parents who just can’t say no to their adult children. I’m afraid my husband is also doing this because he can’t seem to stop helping his sons “too much.” My husband is still supporting his younger sone who has been attending college full time for many years and no degree. The older one has difficulties with jobs and owes us back rent and a large credit card debt. I love my husband, but I can’t stand to see what is happening to him or to his sons.
I would like for him to ask his older son to start paying us back for unpaid rent and credit card debt, and I would like to see his younger son finish college so he can get a job where he can be independent. It is costing so much that I’m afraid we will run out of money for our old age. What can I do to encourage my husband to allow his sons to become independent? I know this is the way he shows love, and he is very kind to everyone (he likes to help people including my kids), but I think in the end it will hurt instead of helping. It is difficult to say anything because I know it comes from his heart.
27 Lin (640 comments.) // Jun 17, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Hello Betty! You must be talking about step-children here, so that in itself creates a problem for you since some people feel that talking about children (that isn’t their biological child) is basically off limits.
Problem is, these “kids” aren’t children anymore; they’re grown adults, and the money being given is affecting you financially, and may have detrimental consequences when you are older and need a way to provide for your elderly years.
Many parents have good intentions. They truly want to help their children, but they don’t quite understand when the “helping” should stop and the now-grown “kids” be required to behave as adults. There is such a thing as helping without enabling, but once parents get into the habit of giving and giving and giving some more, they find themselves stuck.
Betty, I would suggest having a private conversation with your husband and ask him questions (very respectfully) about what his specific goals are in continuing to “help” his kids. Then, ask him (in response to his answers) what results has he seen by his efforts? Has his helping accomplished the goals of x,y,z? If so, how? If not, How? Ask him if he’s ever wondered if the amount of help he’s been giving has brought the results he hoped for?
Be sure to allow him time to reflect and think back on various situations where he said he’d “help” pay for something on the condition that so-and-so does…….what? Pays him back? Graduates? Graduates when, in 30 years? Gets his degree? When, in 40 years?
If I were you Betty, I’d be looking deeply into the financial numbers of how you and your husband are doing financially yourselves. I’d be looking at how much savings you have or don’t have. Stocks? CD’s? Real estate? etc. for when you retire, and then you can provide your husband concrete, written in black and white, what your current financial situation is…..vs. what is will/may look like if his “helping” continues as is. Ask him, how much “help” are you willing to give the kids when it’s obvious that all the money being handed out to the kids is likely to put you and your husband in the very same (or worse) financial situation that he’s trying to help the kids get out of. How would that settle in his mind and heart, knowing his helping put you and him in dire straits for your senior years.
Let me know how it goes, ok?
28 patsy // Jun 20, 2008 at 9:36 pm
I have a 12 year old granddaughter. My daughter is a single parent. The father has been out of my granddaughter’s life since she was 2. She’s adhd, has a history of problems with other children, impulsive, distracted. This year in 7th grade she got into trouble a lot with skipping school, not doing homework, running away, talking back. She is now in a 1/2 way house. She doesn’t talk to her mom. She still talks to me because I’ve always spoiled her. It looks like I’ve enabled her behavior and I’m trying to try some tough love but it’s so hard for me. My daughter and I want to have a united front and let her reap the consequences of her behavior. She calls me for things and its hard to say no. Any advice?
29 Lin (640 comments.) // Jun 21, 2008 at 7:02 am
Hi Patsy. Ahh middle school. I remember those years with not no fond memories myself. Seems like the moment children enter middle school all heck breaks loose, as virtually overnight kids seem to change in personality so much so that parents can hardly recognize their own child.
Please understand that I am not well versed on the subject of ADHD, but have limited knowledge of this disorder such as knowing there is medication that these children are often put on to regulate the symptoms. Ok?
Your granddaughter is still very young, so that is good. Getting the enabling under control now while she is still young will help prevent the problems of helping vs. enabling from reeking havoc on your lives when she’s an adult.
Allowing your granddaughter to experience and deal with the consequences of her own choices and behaviors now, while very hard and painful emotionally, is very important. You obviously want what is best for your granddaughter, so keep in mind that the goal is for your granddaughter to learn that in the real world everyone makes choices and must learn to make good choices, otherwise there are often severe consequences for making bad choices or decisions. Allow her to learn that now while she’s still very young, so hopefully she won’t be learning the lesson the hard way in years to come by spending years in jail like some other kids do.
Stand firmly alongside your daughter. Absolutely DO present a united front because if/when your granddaughter sees that she can get her way with one of you (like you mentioned she calls you for things), then watch out for the manipulation games to begin. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of “mother guilt” complex where kids use a mother’s (or grandmother’s) emotional bond against her to get their own way.
It is and WILL be hard to say no, but you have to do it anyway. Sometimes being a tough parent or showing “tough love” with kids first requires parents to get tough with themselves. When you say no to your granddaughter, say no knowing in your heart and mind that it is for HER best interests, not your own. Read again what you said above, “She still talks to be BECAUSE I’ve always spoiled her”.
She will be angry when she can’t get her own way. She will very likely stop talking to you as well for awhile, as it’s obviously her way of trying to control the situations she gets herself into. Don’t take it personally. I mean that, don’t take it personally. She’s reacting with anger and wanting desperately to find someone (anyone) who will give into her. Don’t do it. If you need to cry out your emotions when you tell her no, then be sure that you do so NOT in earshot of your granddaughter (on the phone etc), but when speaking to her directly (in person or on the phone) keep your voice strong. Don’t let your granddaughter use your emotions against you, cause she will if she has the chance. That won’t be good for either of you.
Check out The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love now while your granddaughter is still very young, as this will help prevent it from being a problem for many years to come. It will help you personally deal with your feelings and emotions as well, because kids are well known for using them against their parents and grandparents. I wish the best for you, your daughter and your granddaughter. If I can help any further, please don’t hesitate to drop me a note again. Good luck Patsy!
30 Betty // Jun 21, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Patsy,
I know exactly what you mean! Our 12 year old grandson, who is also ADHD, is giving his Mom fits! He’s living with his Dad and when his Mom is there he is very disrespectful to her. His Dad talks to his Mom in much the same way so he is learning very quickly to be disrespectful to all women. He also gets most of what he wants from both so is spoiled.
Giving in to chldren (by parents/grandparents) and not supporting each other will end in any child having no feeling of self-worth later on. We all need to remember what is said about children asking (by their bad behavior) for boundaries and loving discipline. It is true! Also, having a child “like” a parent/grandparent because they give in is not good for that child, either. All it proves is that manipulation works.
Hope it all works out for you. We’re still working on our offspring!
31 Catherine // Jul 1, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Is there any hope for my relationship? After reading the various articles it doesn’t seem hopeful
I truly love most everything about my adult-child who is 32 and unemployed. He treats me like I have wings and a halo over my head. We’ve been together for 3 years, live together for the last 2 years and split everything 50/50. I have been employed at the same company for six years and prior to that five years. I am 34 years old. He has held 2 jobs since we’ve been together for a total of half our relationship. He wants to get married and I say ‘no job, no marriage’. I told him I want us (”him”) to be completely independent. He said he’s trying to figure out his career path and his parents are just helping him do this (paying for everything). The parents have the means and help all the “kids” ages range from 22-37. Some of them married with kids of their own. I truly understand your moto: “Need creates real motivation” as I was not raised in a wealthy home and have worked since I was 15. So why am I trying to build a life with someone who’s parents are paying for all of it? It’s like living a false life. If he was working, our day-to-day lives would be so different. For the last six months, I’ve been depressed and told him he needs to find a job by Sept. I wish I had more faith but I don’t think that will happen. I’m frustrated at his lack of progress and frustrated with myself for focusing on it so intently and for going back and forth between “enabling” him with his job search (doing things he should do) and then realizing what I’m doing and getting angry at the whole situation.
32 Lin (640 comments.) // Jul 1, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Hi Catherine. I’m very proud of you for having the courage and strength to say “no job, no wedding”. Very good! (clapping my hands loudly and grinning from ear to ear).
I’m really not sure if you actually need anyone’s advice on this, because from you’ve written here, it seems to me that you already know the answers. And, I’m very happy that you have given this very serious thought.
You’re obviously seeing “red flags” waving wildly, and you’re smart to pay attention to them. You say his parents are helping him and he’s still, at the age of 32, ‘trying to figure out his career path’. Yeah, right.
It sounds to me like his parents are definite enablers, and he’s enjoying every minute of it, and if you’re not very careful you’ll be the next in line to enable him. If you let it happen.
I think, if I’m reading between the lines correctly, that you’re wondering how much of this you are willing to accept in your life, or if you need to make serious changes with this relationship. Right?
I can’t answer that question for you. That’s entirely up to you to decide if you are willing to spend your life being the wife of a man who clearly doesn’t have the motivation to take on the responsibilities of an adult; husband; and father to children that may come from the marriage. Are you willing to carry most, if not all, the responsibilities that go with being the wife/husband/mom/dad/breadwinner all wrapped into one? Hugs, Catherine, in whatever you decide.
33 Lydia // Jul 26, 2008 at 10:30 am
I’ve been reading some posts, but nothing is helpful for my situation. My 26 yr. old son is in jail for theft:( 2nd time for this in the past 6 years. He said he stole cause he needed the money for bills, etc.
I’ve helped him pay some of those bills, so not sure why he still needs more money.
Not sure if he’s doing drugs again or not–he has before.
My question is should I try to be tough & not get him out of jail or get him out? Being there, I feel, will make him think about his actions, if it was worth it or not.
If you can help me, thank you. I think I know the answer to my question, just need someone to agree?
34 Lin (640 comments.) // Jul 26, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Hi Lydia, if I were you I would NOT get your son out of jail. He’s all grown up now and needs to deal with the consequences of his choice, no matter how hard it is for you to stand by and watch it all happen. Rescuing him or getting him out of jail will not help him in the long run. Stop paying his bills and stop giving him money to help him pay bills.
Stealing money to pay for bills is an extremely poor decision, but one he chose all on his own. People have to work and work very hard to have the money they need to take care of themselves and be financially responsible as an adult. If your son needs to work two or even three jobs to provide for himself, then that is what he needs to do, and he knows it deep down. It’s just easier to get help from mom and/or dad, or as with his situation, steal the money.
Be very tough and very strong, and let him stay in jail. No more helping him with money please. It won’t make him be responsible.
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