“Not talking about sexual abuse for twenty years”. “I was sexually abused as a child but didn’t tell anyone”. “Sexually abused by my father”. “Personal stories of sexual abuse”. “Sexual abuse survivor stories”. “Adult survivors of child sexual abuse”. “Signs of sexual abuse in children”. These are just some of the terms people have used to search for information about child sexual abuse, and have been brought to this site for help and answers.
Being an adult survivor of sexual abuse, having been a victim as a young child, I understand why kids don’t tell and why sexual abuse is most often not disclosed until well into adulthood. There are many reasons why children don’t tell anyone that they were sexually abused. The most common reason why kids don’t tell is due to FEAR.
Why Don’t Kids Tell?
Children are afraid no one will believe them, because that is what many abusers brainwash and groom their victims to believe. Children may be threatened by the offender, or the child molester tells the victim that the parents or family members will be physically harmed or killed if the child tells anyone about the abuse. Threatening the lives of parents and family members was how my son’s abuser (a church minister and close friend of the family) kept him from disclosing abuse until many years later.
My son was sexually abused in the church we attended at that time. How many churchgoing families trust that their children will be safe while attending Sunday School classes, where children are often in another area of the church, while parents are in the main auditorium or seated in another classroom? If you were being sexually abused and were told your parents would be murdered right in front of you, would you tell?
Children also don’t tell because they feel guilty, embarrassed and ashamed, having been “groomed” by the offender over a period of time to believe they are just as guilty as the offender. Pedophiles use a variety of “grooming methods” to befriend and get close to families with children in order to molest a child. Children may feel guilty if they get an abuser “in trouble”, or are afraid they themselves will “get in trouble” for telling.
Fear of getting in trouble was the basis of my personal story of sexual abuse, and I kept the abuse secret until I became a full-grown adult, thus becoming a part of the statistics of nondisclosure. Children often feel they are somehow responsible for their abuse, and are often told by the abusers that they will be taken away from their home and family and will never see them again.
The victim of child sexual abuse is almost always told not to tell, and children tend to believe what adults say. If you thought no one would believe you if you told, and you knew that your offender would be extremely angry at you and threatened harsh punishment, would you have the courage to tell? What if your offender told you that you would go to jail because you were just as guilty as he or she is? The child who tells is incredibly brave and very rare. Most sexually abused children do not tell anyone they were abused, even when directly asked by parents or other authority figures.
Talking to Your Children About Sexual Abuse:
- Educate your child about their own body and about their “private parts” (body parts that are covered up with a modest bathing suit).
- Use the correct terminology (penis, scrotum, testicles, vagina, breasts, labia.) when talking about these parts of their body.
- Talk about the difference between “good touch vs. bad touch” with words and phrases your child can understand, including the term “sexual abuse”. If children are not taught about “sexual abuse”, how will they know how to tell you they were sexually abused?!
- Teach your children to say “NO!” very loudly to anyone who wants or tries to touch their private parts in a way that makes the child feel confused or uncomfortable, or if asked to touch an offender in an inappropriate manner.
- If your child does not want to hug or kiss grandma or grandpa, don’t force them to hug or kiss people they don’t want to. It’s sending the wrong message to children, and teaches kids to ignore their confusing or uncomfortable feelings to the point where they do it anyway.
- Teach your children to tell you or an adult they trust if anybody touches their private parts or if they are touched in any way that makes them uncomfortable. (However, most children will not tell anyway). Don’t leave your child where you wouldn’t leave a bag with a million dollars in cash.
What To Do If Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused
- Remember, the person who abuses a child is to blame for the abuse, not the child! The prognosis for healing after being molested is better for children who are supported and believed when they do disclose.
- If your child tells you or even hints that he or she has been touched inappropriately, stay calm. Your reaction may make your child feel more guilty or afraid, and they might have a harder time talking about it.
- Some things you can say that will help your child: I believe you. I know it’s not your fault. I will take care of you. You did nothing wrong. Tell your child that you are glad they told you about it.
- Tell your child that you will take care of things, and that you will need to talk to someone to figure out what to do next. The biggest mistake a parent can make is not reporting sexual abuse to the authorities.
- Don’t allow any further contact between your child and the alleged offender. Don’t confront the offender yourself.
- Call your local child abuse hotline or local police department and report the abuse. Failing to report the abuse may mean that other children might get abused, too. Don’t try to handle the situation yourself.
- The child has the opportunity to get justice. It gives them satisfaction. Prosecution helps make sure that the abuser cannot strike again.
- Seek support and comfort for yourself where the child can’t see or hear what you say. In order to avoid confusion, anxiety or guilt, children should not overhear conversations about their disclosure. Too much information or discussion can also interfere with the police investigation or prosecution.
Further Reading:
Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse
Identifying Characteristics and Behaviors of Child Molesters
Child Sexual Abuse: Facts vs. Myths
Launching the Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series
Were you a victim of sexual abuse, and have not yet disclosed that the abuse occurred? You are not alone. If you would like to share your personal story of abuse, you may do so by leaving a comment below. Finding the courage to speak out, telling perhaps for the very first time, is the first step towards healing the wounds. Even if you personally have not been sexually abused, but wish to convey your support and encouragement to victims and family members, please do leave a comment below.
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20 responses so far ↓
1 Child Sexual Abuse: Blaming Mothers of Sexually Abused Children | Telling It Like It Is // May 12, 2008 at 1:39 pm
[…] Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talking to Your Children about Sexual Abuse […]
2 Child Sexual Abuse - Facts VS. Myths | Telling It Like It Is // May 12, 2008 at 1:40 pm
[…] Why Kids Don’t Tell? Talking to Your Children about Sexual Abuse […]
3 Mary Wallace // May 12, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Because I had two near deaths a few years back, I parent in a different way. I talk explicitly about all things, in case I’m not there to raise my kids. So I explain sex, I explain what I consider to be lovng and healthy environments for sex and I explain the abuse that can happen. We’ve seen a masturbator in a car and I explain why that’s wrong, how it makes the viewer feel. I believe that kids will reject abuse if they can see it coming. Don’t leave kids to be wooed, teach them with thoughtfulness about the good and bad things out there on their path. My little daughter wants to wear suggestive clothes and I tell her she looks beautiful but that the problem is some people will take advantage of her because its not age appropriate, so its not a wise or safe choice at her age. I tell her that she needs to wait until she can really fend for herself, to be provocative. So when she gets creepy stares now, she says, ‘mom, that man is creepy, he keeps looking at me’, because she knows what it is and can describe it in words. I believe that is power that will protect her from abuse. I had a family member who was abused by a priest and I witnessed a masturbater when I was young, so I know its a reality out there and I want my kids to be aware beforehand, not afterwards.
4 Lin (640 comments.) // May 12, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Thank you Mary for speaking out about this very important subject. So many parents are afraid to talk explicitly about sexual abuse and predators, and the various bad things that can happen to kids, because they’re worried about scaring their kids.
Not talking about these things is far more harmful to children, since not knowing the reality of the world in which we live can put children in serious danger.
I’m glad to see that you take an active part in talking about suggestive or provocative clothing, as well as the making her aware of the dangerous people in the world. Knowledge is power. Good for you!
5 mark (1 comments.) // May 12, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Talk to your Kids!! Let them know that if anything ever happens to them it is not there fault and tell them to tell you no-matter WHO did it. The thing is most of the children get abused by someone close to their family, so they think no-one will believe them….
6 Lin (640 comments.) // May 12, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Mark, you’re right about that. Most children are sexually abused by someone they and their family knows, and may even be a member of the immediate family.
7 Megan from Imaginif (15 comments.) // May 12, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Touche Lin. EXCELLENT article. Thank you for helping to raise awareness. Mxxx
8 Mrs. Micah (6 comments.) // May 12, 2008 at 7:54 pm
My mom always let me know that even if someone we knew hurt us (bad touches), we could tell her…even if it was a friend. Fortunately, I was not molested, but I remember being aware of the possibility pretty early and knowing I could tell mom.
9 Lin (640 comments.) // May 12, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Thank you Megan and Mrs. Micah. These articles are difficult for me to write to say the least, but I’m a toughie and I can handle it. Anyone who has been sexually abused needs to have to the courage to speak out and tell. If I can do it and grow up to be strong, others can do it too.
10 Launching Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series | Telling It Like It Is // May 12, 2008 at 8:51 pm
[…] Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talk to Your Children about Sexual Abuse […]
11 Hungry Mother (45 comments.) // May 13, 2008 at 10:25 am
Excellent information and advice on a tough subject. Keeping children safe has to be a constant worry because there’s a constant threat unfortunately.
12 Lin (640 comments.) // May 13, 2008 at 10:47 am
Hi HM. It is a difficult subject, but one I believe needs to be talked about much more. Too many children have grown up silent about the abuse they endured, and victims need to speak out. And, parents need to understand that it can happen to anyone’s child. Including their own.
13 Prestonwood Baptist Church Minister in Plano Texas Arrested and Charged With Solicitation of a Minor | Telling It Like It Is // May 26, 2008 at 8:04 am
[…] Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talking to Your Children About Sexual Abuse […]
14 KT Mama // Jul 7, 2008 at 10:25 pm
I just googled about this subject and your blog popped up. Thank you so much for being such an advocate. I, like you, am a victim of abuse as a child and aware of signs of abuse in kids. My 4 year old daughter has been acting overly touchy to men and doing inappropriate things. I was made aware of this recently, and I am terrified that she may have been abused. We have talked to her about inappropriate touching and good secrets and scary secrets trying to pry something out of her, but can’t figure out if anything has happened, or if this is just a case of curiosity. My stomach is in knots and I can’t make my mind stop going in circles trying to figure out when this could have happened. We’ve been given a packet of info from a friend who is a social worker who deals with this kind of thing daily, I just hope and pray that we will be able to help her.
15 Lin (640 comments.) // Jul 8, 2008 at 5:29 am
KT Mama, my heart goes out to you. As hard as it is to consider the possibility of your daughter having been abused, it’s important for her sake now and in the future that you do everything possible to find out the truth, put a stop to the abuse if it has occurred, reassuring your daughter that it’s not her fault and you believe and love her. Be very careful not to assume this is a case of sexual curiosity; 4 year old children don’t typically know about such things unless something has happened to create that curiosity. Finding out the what, where, when and how is crucial for her well-being. Hopefully your social worker friend will be able to help in this situation, and/or will be able to direct you towards someone experienced in sexual abuse cases to get to the bottom of it. Good luck K.T.
16 Mary Wallace (1 comments.) // Jul 8, 2008 at 12:01 pm
While I worry for your daughter, KT Mama, I also read somewhere about raising girls that there are a few moments when little ones are sexually precocious. The book I read was about raising daughters and their interactions with their dads, their not understanding how to act but trying to be mommy. Very uncomfortable stuff when I read it, little girls can sit on daddy’s lap and squirm around. My little one is now 10 and I talk explicitly with her about how her actions, and mine for that matter, are perceived . Its great to have sexual awareness but we don’t live in a world where its safe to express it without a good parent to look out for and protect you. So I’d call your pediatrician and ask for advice. It could be from overheard conversations, songs on the radio, TV, as well as abuse of some kind. Best wishes to you, my dear! You are wonderful for getting on this as quickly as you did!
17 Emily // Jul 23, 2008 at 9:36 am
I am a 23 year old woman and I have thought for years that my older brother had been abusing me when we were very young, but I have trouble remembering what really happened. Now I am worried that my niece, the Daughter of my brother, may be abused by him. Because her mother and father are no longer together, he has had Partial custody of her for years, and she has recently told her mom that she doesn’t want to go to her dads anymore, that they are mean to her and she always cries or becomes withdrawn when faced with a situation that involves him. Any advice on talking with her?
I always thought that the things that happened when we were young were just because he was a sexually curious pre-teen. But now I wonder if this is an on-going problem, and I may be the only person who suspects a problem. I want to do what is best for my niece, but I am so afraid of causing major problems in my family
18 Lin (640 comments.) // Jul 23, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Hi Emily, this situation with your niece is obviously a difficult one, and I understand your fear of causing problems in the family by voicing your concerns.
I’m not sure who you mean by “they are mean to her”, but I’m assuming you mean your brother has remarried and you mean your brother and his wife? I’m also not sure of your niece’s age, but I’m guessing she’s probably quite young.
Getting a child to disclose any kind of abuse, especially sexual abuse, can be very difficult. The fact that your niece has mentioned to her mom that she doesn’t want to go to her dad’s anymore, that is in itself an opportunity to gently ask questions to help your niece talk about what things go on in the home that would make her not want to be there.
Depending on her age, you and/or the mom could respond to her comments by asking her questions like “why don’t you want to go to your dads house?”, “Is there anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or confused when you’re there?” If so, What?
Since I am not a child psychologist, but having been a victim myself as a child, I know there are a number of books written for children that help them realize the words to use to describe if they’ve been sexually abused. I’ve seen coloring books for children that talk about sexual abuse in a way that helps them know how to tell if they’ve been abused. I just haven’t seen any reports or studies as to whether these books and coloring books have been proven to help get kids to tell/disclose or not. But they’re definitely worth a try. If nothing else, perhaps a child/family counselor may be able to help determine if there is reason for concern and may be able to help in getting your niece to clearly express why she doesn’t want to go to her dad’s. I wish you and your niece much luck, and hopefully it won’t be what you’re suspecting.
19 Lin (640 comments.) // Jul 23, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Emily, I did some quick searching and I’ve got a link for you to help direct you towards books and coloring books etc that can help you and your niece determine what is going on for sure, and if necessary help your niece talk about and tell what is going on in her dad’s home.
Books to help children talk about being abused
20 Emily // Jul 24, 2008 at 11:34 am
Thanks for your response. I feel like I now have a lot of ideas for ways to talk with her about some of the emotions she is having, and what I can do to help. The link you gave me had a lot of books and resources, which I didn’t know were available.
She is only 10 years old, but has already begun puberty. I think that could explain some of the mood swings and emotional sensitivity. Her dads home situation includes his step-wife (who is extremely ‘abrasive’ and even offends many adult members of our family) as well as a younger half-brother, 3 years old, who loves her dearly and enjoys her company.
Thanks for your help. I hope I will be able to do the right thing for everyone involved.
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