Does the mere mention of the word “in-laws” or “mother-in-law” increase your blood pressure to possibly dangerous levels? Are you having difficulty in knowing how to get along with the in-laws in your family to the point where you really just want to know how to get rid of your mother-in-law, sister-in-law or other family members? Does one or more of your in-laws cause you to “walk on eggshells” around them most of the time, or when talking about certain subjects?
You might have agreed to stand by the love of your life for better or for worse, but you probably were not expecting to have to try and get along with difficult in-laws or struggle with mother-in-law problems, and you might now even feel like you hate your in-laws. Getting along with in-laws can be very challenging at times, especially if you’re made to feel that all the problems are your fault, causing you to feel that it’s easier to just shut up and put up in order to keep the peace. Then there’s the often ominous time spent over the holidays with in-laws that you’d just rather not have to deal with at all. Sound familiar?
Common problems might be that your mother-in-law criticizes your cooking or housekeeping skills, asking when you and your husband will have children, or criticizing how you raise and discipline your children with unsolicited parenting advice. Maybe your mother-in-law does or says things that suggest she still thinks of your husband as her little boy, struggling or refusing to let go of the apron strings, or the painful reality that your parents and the in-laws will never get along and you wonder if your marriage will last.
Dealing With In-Laws
Are you the spouse that doesn’t understand why your mate has such an angry and resentful attitude when it comes to your parent’s influence in your marriage? If you are the husband trying to figure out “what to do if your mom and your wife don’t get along”, you need to understand why your wife is so upset and why she’s having so much difficulty in getting along with your mother and other members of the family.
While it is true that not every situation or conflict requires you to step in and handle the problems between your mother and your wife, your wife is angry because intrusive, controlling, manipulative, and opinionated in-laws are invading private issues that should only be talked about or decided by you and your spouse alone. This includes dealing with the sister-in-law, brother-in-law, father-in-law, and any other problematic in-law within the family.
Ask yourself: Would you consider it unacceptable behavior if someone came into your home and picked up your checkbook and began questioning you about your purchases? Wouldn’t you take immediate offense to this behavior because it would really be none of their business how you spend your money? Your wife views your parents’ constant involvement and intrusion into personal matters the same way.
Your wife feels that your unwillingness to speak up and put a stop to these intrusions into your marriage and family life, including personal attacks on her as your wife, as a personal betrayal bordering on abuse. Your wife may believe that the emotional abuse, manipulation by controlling and downright toxic in-laws is a relationship deal-breaker for her, and may cost you your marriage if you don’t put an immediate stop to it. Now.
Your wife believes that every time you take your parents’ side or do nothing to stop your parents’ intrusion, you are betraying your wedding vows to leave and cleave unto your spouse, honoring your mate above ALL others. Betrayal is one of the deepest offenses that can ever be inflicted upon the heart of your spouse, which if not changed will create tremendous anger and resentment that will drive you and your spouse further apart, ultimately landing you right into divorce court. Yes, it really is that serious.
Are you planning on staying married to your spouse? Then, regardless of whether you are the wife or the husband, the two of you must come to an agreement that there is a problem with the in-laws that needs to be solved, in order to protect your marriage from toxic in-laws
How to Get Along With In-Laws
- There can be no divided loyalties. When you married your spouse and spoke your wedding vows, you promised to put your husband or wife as the first and primary person in your life, and that’s where your loyalty rightly belongs. If your wife has a problem with her mother-in-law, it’s the husband who needs to step in and work on fixing it. The same applies if a husband has a problem with his in-laws, his wife must speak up on behalf of her husband.
- Good fences make good neighbors. Clear boundaries, as in really good fences, need to be established and set in place about when in-laws are and are not invited into your lives. Negotiate the boundaries with your spouse regarding the role you want your in-laws to have in your life, being as specific as you feel is necessary. Write it all down on paper if that would work well for you during discussion and negotiations.
- Your parents and in-laws only know what you tell them. Set boundaries so you and your spouse know what specific information will or will not be shared with your family. If you go to your parents or family members every time you’re angry, frustrated, or having problems in your marriage, they hear that but they don’t hear when you’ve resolved the issues. If you’re having a problem in your marriage, you need to resolve it in the marriage, privately.
- Set time boundaries so that you both will know how much time will be spent at the in-laws’ house and how often they will be in your home. Sometimes husbands and wives argue because the in-laws are always at your house and you don’t seem to have a moment to yourselves. Or, the wife is almost always at her parents’ home and not taking care of responsibilities at home, or constant phone calls by the in-law to find out personal details that impose upon the time and privacy of your marriage.
- Set decision-making boundaries so that both husband and wife understand that they will make the decisions in their marriage without having to consult the in-laws first. Once a decision is made you should not allow your mind to be changed because one of the in-laws voices disapproval. You have a backbone, so use it.
- Set boundaries about the care and discipline of your children, so the standards and rules established in your home are not contracted by your in-laws. If boundaries are not set, clearly communicated amongst the family, problems and conflicts will arise. Problems and conflicts also persist when the husband or wife fails to correct their unruly parent or family member when boundaries have been breeched.
- Once the boundaries are decided upon, you must now keep to them. If one of the marriage partners violates the agreement then the whole process breaks down and sends a double message to the in-laws. In addition, failing to keep an agreement with your spouse is a violation of your word and his or her trust. You must realize that if you violate your mate’s trust you have betrayed your vows to honor your spouse above all others.
- Talk to your parents (or the in-law that is driving you crazy) about the boundaries you’ve decided upon together. Make it perfectly clear that the boundaries set have been decided upon and mutually agreed to by both husband and wife. Believe it or not, some mother-in-laws may not even realize how their intrusion and criticisms hurt or belittle you, so you must learn how to be assertive, using assertive techniques to express how you feel when she says or does x,y,z.
- If holidays with in-laws are so difficult that it’s obvious your parents and in-laws don’t get along, it would be best for you and your husband to talk to your own sets of parents separately. Explain to them that while you understand that they’re not going to be the best of friends with the other couple, that it will make you and your husband happy if they can at least be civil.
- When it comes to social settings, it may be better to keep them apart than to deal with the stress of potential bickering. If it’s a small holiday dinner, consider celebrating on two separate nights. Bigger parties should have enough people that both sets of parents can avoid each other. But keep in mind that they are all adults, even if their behavior suggests otherwise. And if you’re given an ultimatum such as, “If they’re coming, we’re not”, simply reply, “We’ll miss you.”
- Never attempt to force your spouse to choose between his or her parents and your marriage. Understand that the other woman in every man’s life is his mother. If your husband starts in on you with something like, “Well, my mother does it this way…”, then tell him to go over and sleep with her.
- Pick your battles. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree in some situations, politely telling them that you appreciate their suggestions, but you and your spouse make the final decisions. Be considerate, controlling your emotions and temper as much as possible, being careful to think before you speak those venomous words swirling through your mind at the time.
Are you having difficulty getting along with your in-laws? Would you like to share your story or ask a question related to your specific situation? Or, if your relationship with the in-laws has been virtually flawless, to the point where you simply love and adore your in-laws, what further advice would you give couples dealing with in-law problems? Comments, questions and suggestions are welcome in the comment section below.
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18 responses so far ↓
1 matt (8 comments.) // Jun 4, 2008 at 10:15 pm
The photo at the top of this article hits home with me. That movie sums up my relationship with my in-laws to a t. When it comes to dealing with them, my strategy is simple. Don’t pick ANY battles. There is absolutely no way I can win and complaining will only make my wife feel as though she has to take sides as you so correctly pointed out. I think of dinner at my in-laws as I do a trip to the dentist. Close my eyes and go to a happy place until its all over.
2 Lin (793 comments.) // Jun 5, 2008 at 5:26 am
Matt, I think just about every family has in-law problems to varying degrees. That includes me. Every family has at least one person that just drives you absolutely crazy, and sometimes it gets to the point where you have to make the decision to put a lot of distance between that person/people and yourself in order to have a happy and lasting marriage.
3 How to Fight Fair in Marriage | Telling It Like It Is // Jun 7, 2008 at 2:31 pm
[…] problems with friends, family or in-laws, as this will be seen as a betrayal of trust and makes getting along with in-laws more […]
4 Holly K. (5 comments.) // Jun 9, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I second matt’s post above. My mother-in-law, unfortunately is a narcissist. The only saving factor in this is that she treats everyone equally (but badly), so at least I don’t have doubts or guilt.
After a few years and near divorce, I learned that my marriage will not survive without really steep boundaries. We now have very little contact with MIL, and our marriage is so peaceful and happy.
Moral of the story for me: there are some people (and in-laws) who can’t really be handled. They just have to be kept at a distance.
5 Lin (793 comments.) // Jun 9, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Distancing yourselves from a problematic mother in-law is sometimes what is necessary to save the marriage.
Although my ex-mother in-law passed away shortly after my first marriage, we didn’t speak the same language (she only spoke Spanish) so that eliminated quite a bit of problems for us.
In my current marriage, there were some problems we had to deal with in relation to my FIL (now passed on, as is my husband’s mom), but there are occasional problems with other in-laws that we are swift to handle. Distance works very well for us too.
6 Lin (793 comments.) // Jun 9, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I forgot to mention that I have an article for mother-in-laws coming in two days, so stay tuned for that.
7 How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law | Telling It Like It Is // Jun 11, 2008 at 5:05 am
[…] need to discover for themselves how to get along with the in-laws, and it may take them a little time to determine the right boundaries for them. Do not get pulled […]
8 ayh (1 comments.) // Jun 14, 2008 at 10:52 am
My mother in law to be on July 20, 2008 is a so close to my fiance. They talk on the phone 3-4 times a day, everyday. He is so close to her that he has advised me that it will not change when we get married because he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. Of course he goes over to the house and helps her everytime she calls. He is the middle child and has and brother 17 and and older brother 25. She stills calls my fiance everytime something happens. He says that his mom will always be there and not matter what anybody says he will not change that. I am not asking him to stop talking to his mom but maybe once a day instead of 3-4 times everyday. I also have an issue with the fact that she just says whatever she wants and he will defend her. The other day we were at the store and she came in and said “Didn’t I tell you not to put that on until your honeymoon.” Yes, she was talking to me. This was clothing that I paid for with my own money. I had to ask myself who is she talking to? I explained it to my fiance and he said that I was being SENSITIVE and that if he explained that to his mom that she would just say that I am too sensitive. That she doesn’t feel like she did anything wrong. My question is how do you deal with this situation? Would you still get married?
9 Lin (793 comments.) // Jun 14, 2008 at 11:12 am
Ayh, wow. If my mother-in-law-to-be said that to me, I’d be pretty upset too and I’d say something about it. No, I don’t believe you are being overly sensitive.
If your fiance’ doesn’t see anything wrong with how his mom speaks or behaves with you now, even before the wedding, I’d be very concerned about what things will be like after the wedding and in the future years.
You are not her daughter, and she has no right to say such a mean-spirited comment like that to you, nor does she have the right to tell you what, when, where, how or why to do anything in your life, with or without your husband.
If I were in your shoes right now, I’d be having a very serious (and respectful) conversation with my fiance’ about what you will and will not accept from him, his mother or anyone else in the family. You need to be sure you know what “non-negotiable boundaries” you have for yourself, and make them very clear to your husband-to-be before it’s too late. Be sure to read my article Non-Negotiable Boundaries to learn more about how to know what your own boundaries are, and what things you may want to add to your personal list. Then, stick by them.
Then, there needs to be specific and agreed upon boundaries set as far as how much influence or time your mother-in-law will have in your marriage and life as a couple, including phone calls, visits etc.
Believe me, you want to be sure you know all there is to know about this and how your fiance’ really feels about these things before your wedding arrives. Putting it off until after the wedding may find you in a situation you didn’t imagine or want for your life, and you need to know NOW what life is likely to be like if you marry your fiance’ and what things will be like dealing with your mother-in-law.
I wouldn’t wish these kind of mother-in-law problems on anyone, and I wish you much luck in whatever you decide.
10 Jules // Jul 4, 2008 at 11:56 am
I have been having trouble finding an article about what to do when the in-laws themselves do not get along. My fiance gets along great with my mom and I get along great with his parents, but there is a problem when we all want to get together for some holiday. My mom is very judgmental and can say offensive things without thinking about them beforehand; therefore I know the problem mainly stems from her side. I have tried telling her to be nice and try not to say the first thing that comes to mind because it hurts peoples’ feelings, but she still has a little trouble doing those simple things. My fiance’s mother is very nice and very hard working, she works so hard that she barely ever has time to take care of herself. I can go on and on, but to make this short, ever since the last time that we tried to get everyone together and my mom told my fiance’s mom to get her teeth fixed (since she is missing half of her bottom teeth), neither one of them want to be near each other and I am also afraid that getting them together will only make things worse. Also, my fiance’s brother tends to be vulgar at times which may cause problems with my mom. For now, I believe that it is probably best to keep them apart unless we have no choice but to invite them all to an event, such as graduation and wedding, but I would still like for them to get along and look past each others’ flaws.
11 Lin (793 comments.) // Jul 4, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Hi Jules, I understand all too well what you’re experiencing here. Been there myself, and we’ve found it is best to keep them separate as well.
As much as we’d like in-laws to get along with each other and treat each other with respect, sometimes it just doesn’t happen how we’d like.
What we’ve been doing, and it works well for us, is to have separate gatherings, perhaps a day or so apart, or even on different weekends.
Unfortunately, we can’t control how other people behave, but we can decide for ourselves not to participate in the craziness. I agree that the best option would be to keep things separate for any holidays, etc. Graduation ceremonies may be a little more difficult, but doable if you can arrange to have separate seating areas that would help keep certain people far away from each other as much as possible.
I’ve heard from some people who have decided not to invite the person who creates most of the problems as a way to reduce the stress, and if that’s what you need to do, than it’s up to you. Distance from problematic people is sometimes all that anyone can do. Good luck.
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[…] Dealing with family members and in-laws can be especially difficult and stressful. If there are family members or in-laws that treat you like their personal doormat, criticizing and ridiculing you for everything and anything, you may have to consider putting a strict limit on how often you associate with them, if at all. […]
15 Elizabeth // Aug 19, 2008 at 12:35 am
I have been married eight years to a wonderful man. We are great together and have two little girls, one is five and the other is almost two. My in-laws are very kind and sensitive people who will do anything under the sun for my kids and my husband…..(me?????). There are times when I do love them very much, but yes there is a but…in a very subtle way they are manipulators. The mother more so. There have been numerous incidents when I had to put my foot down, and one which was four years ago was not pretty. Basically they all have to do with the rearing of the children. My m-i-l acts as if they were hers. She literally takes over when she is here in my home and it annoys me to high heaven. Just two weeks ago I had to reprimand my five year old and my f-i-l flipped out. He was yelling at me and saying that I had no right to make her cry, he was going on and on. The m-i-l was doing the same. I ignored them as long as I could then I just firmly said…”I am the mother”, well they really lost it when I said that. They were ranting on and on. They left my home, and two weeks into it have not called my girls or I. My husband now tells me that he spoke to them today and invited them over (we both want to have a talk with them) but they refuse to come to our home. I am in a quandry. I do not want to harbor resentment against them, and I do not want to make my husband miserable as he is very very close to them. I need some good advice.
16 Lin (793 comments.) // Aug 19, 2008 at 5:45 am
Hi Elizabeth, it is very good that you spoke up with your in-laws in how they try to parent your children for you, and even telling you how to be parent. Wow! That would make me mad too!
Neither of them have the right to behave the way they did, and I really hope that your husband is backing you up on this and will speak up to his parents and tell them that it is unacceptable behavior for either of them to be yelling at you or telling you how to care for your own child.
Your husband has reached out to his parents and invited them over, but they won’t come. Perhaps your husband could suggest that the two of you (without children along) go over to their place to have a talk, or meet up for dinner at a restaurant. Maybe they need a little time to calm down, but two weeks later is rather ridiculous.
And hopefully your husband (since it’s his parents) is backing you up on this and will speak up and express the boundaries that the two of you decide on as a couple, in order to present a united front. Don’t allow in-laws to treat you like their personal doormat.
17 marriage laws (1 comments.) // Aug 20, 2008 at 7:31 pm
One of the things I have found to be remarkable is that the tension between the wife and the mother in law (grooms mother) can truly be the “elephant in the room”. As a man, and someone who has talked to a lot of his male friends I have been amazed by the natural contention that occurs between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. It almost has become a joke between my friends. One thing we have commented about more than once is the fact that the conflict always seems to be between the bride and the groom’s mother. Never the groom and the mother-in-law. The crazy thing is that if you watch sitcoms they always portray the issue as between the groom and mother-in-law, where in reality it is very seldom the problem.
I really think more marriage counselors need to talk about the dynamics of the relationship change and tensions that will occur between the wife and the mother in law.
18 Lin (793 comments.) // Aug 20, 2008 at 8:58 pm
ML, problems between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are definitely more common than the conflicts with the son-in-law. It is a real shame that more men/husbands are not speaking up to their mother/parents on behalf of their wives, making very clear that “this is my wife and she will be treated with respect and dignity”, and be prepared to defend their wives when being attacked or ridiculed by family members.
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