How to Get Along With the In-Laws: Dealing With In-Laws and Extended Family
Does the mere mention of the word “in-laws” or “mother-in-law” increase your blood pressure to possibly dangerous levels? Are you having difficulty in knowing how to get along with the in-laws in your family to the point where you really just want to know how to get rid of your mother-in-law, sister-in-law or other family members? Does one or more of your in-laws cause you to “walk on eggshells” around them most of the time, or when talking about certain subjects?
You might have agreed to stand by the love of your life for better or for worse, but you probably were not expecting to have to try and get along with difficult in-laws or struggle with mother-in-law problems, and you might now even feel like you hate your in-laws. Getting along with in-laws can be very challenging at times, especially if you’re made to feel that all the problems are your fault, causing you to feel that it’s easier to just shut up and put up in order to keep the peace. Then there’s the often ominous time spent over the holidays with in-laws that you’d just rather not have to deal with at all. Sound familiar?
Common problems might be that your mother-in-law criticizes your cooking or housekeeping skills, asking when you and your husband will have children, or criticizing how you raise and discipline your children with unsolicited parenting advice. Maybe your mother-in-law does or says things that suggest she still thinks of your husband as her little boy, struggling or refusing to let go of the apron strings, or the painful reality that your parents and the in-laws will never get along and you wonder if your marriage will last.
Dealing With In-Laws
Are you the spouse that doesn’t understand why your mate has such an angry and resentful attitude when it comes to your parent’s influence in your marriage? If you are the husband trying to figure out what to do if your mom and your wife don’t get along, you need to understand why your wife is so upset and why she’s having so much difficulty in getting along with your mother and other members of the family.
While it is true that not every situation or conflict requires you to step in and handle the problems between your mother and your wife, your wife is angry because intrusive, controlling, manipulative, and opinionated in-laws are invading private issues that should only be talked about or decided by you and your spouse alone. This includes dealing with the sister-in-law, brother-in-law, father-in-law, and any other problematic in-law within the family.
Ask yourself: Would you consider it unacceptable behavior if someone came into your home and picked up your checkbook and began questioning you about your purchases? Wouldn’t you take immediate offense to this behavior because it would really be none of their business how you spend your money? Your wife views your parents’ constant involvement and intrusion into personal matters the same way.
Your wife feels that your unwillingness to speak up and put a stop to these intrusions into your marriage and family life, including personal attacks on her as your wife, as a personal betrayal bordering on abuse. Your wife may believe that the emotional abuse, manipulation by controlling and downright toxic in-laws is a relationship deal-breaker for her, and may cost you your marriage if you don’t put an immediate stop to it. Now.
Your wife believes that every time you take your parents’ side or do nothing to stop your parents’ intrusion, you are betraying your wedding vows to leave and cleave unto your spouse, honoring your mate above ALL others. Betrayal is one of the deepest offenses that can ever be inflicted upon the heart of your spouse, which if not changed will create tremendous anger and resentment that will drive you and your spouse further apart, ultimately landing you right into divorce court. Yes, it really is that serious.
Are you planning on staying married to your spouse? Then, regardless of whether you are the wife or the husband, the two of you must come to an agreement that there is a problem with the in-laws that needs to be solved, in order to protect your marriage from toxic in-laws
How to Get Along With In-Laws
- There can be no divided loyalties. When you married your spouse and spoke your wedding vows, you promised to put your husband or wife as the first and primary person in your life, and that’s where your loyalty rightly belongs. If your wife has a problem with her mother-in-law, it’s the husband who needs to step in and work on fixing it. The same applies if a husband has a problem with his in-laws, his wife must speak up on behalf of her husband.
- Good fences make good neighbors. Clear boundaries, as in really good fences, need to be established and set in place about when in-laws are and are not invited into your lives. Negotiate the boundaries with your spouse regarding the role you want your in-laws to have in your life, being as specific as you feel is necessary. Write it all down on paper if that would work well for you during discussion and negotiations.
- Your parents and in-laws only know what you tell them. Set boundaries so you and your spouse know what specific information will or will not be shared with your family. If you go to your parents or family members every time you’re angry, frustrated, or having problems in your marriage, they hear that but they don’t hear when you’ve resolved the issues. If you’re having a problem in your marriage, you need to resolve it in the marriage, privately.
- Set time boundaries so that you both will know how much time will be spent at the in-laws’ house and how often they will be in your home. Sometimes husbands and wives argue because the in-laws are always at your house and you don’t seem to have a moment to yourselves. Or, the wife is almost always at her parents’ home and not taking care of responsibilities at home, or constant phone calls by the in-law to find out personal details that impose upon the time and privacy of your marriage.
- Set decision-making boundaries so that both husband and wife understand that they will make the decisions in their marriage without having to consult the in-laws first. Once a decision is made you should not allow your mind to be changed because one of the in-laws voices disapproval. You have a backbone, so use it.
- Set boundaries about the care and discipline of your children, so the standards and rules established in your home are not contradicted by your in-laws. If boundaries are not set, clearly communicated amongst the family, problems and conflicts will arise. Problems and conflicts also persist when the husband or wife fails to correct their unruly parent or family member when boundaries have been breeched.
- Once the boundaries are decided upon, you must now keep to them. If one of the marriage partners violates the agreement then the whole process breaks down and sends a double message to the in-laws. In addition, failing to keep an agreement with your spouse is a violation of your word and his or her trust. You must realize that if you violate your mate’s trust you have betrayed your vows to honor your spouse above all others.
- Talk to your parents (or the in-law that is driving you crazy) about the boundaries you’ve decided upon together. Make it perfectly clear that the boundaries set have been decided upon and mutually agreed to by both husband and wife. Believe it or not, some mother-in-laws may not even realize how their intrusion and criticisms hurt or belittle you, so you must learn how to be assertive, using assertive techniques to express how you feel when she says or does x,y,z.
- If holidays with in-laws are so difficult that it’s obvious your parents and in-laws don’t get along, it would be best for you and your husband to talk to your own sets of parents separately. Explain to them that while you understand that they’re not going to be the best of friends with the other couple, that it will make you and your husband happy if they can at least be civil.
- When it comes to social settings, it may be better to keep them apart than to deal with the stress of potential bickering. If it’s a small holiday dinner, consider celebrating on two separate nights. Bigger parties should have enough people that both sets of parents can avoid each other. But keep in mind that they are all adults, even if their behavior suggests otherwise. And if you’re given an ultimatum such as, “If they’re coming, we’re not”, simply reply, “We’ll miss you.”
- Never attempt to force your spouse to choose between his or her parents and your marriage. Understand that the other woman in every man’s life is his mother. If your husband starts in on you with something like, “Well, my mother does it this way…”, then tell him to go over and sleep with her.
- Pick your battles. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree in some situations, politely telling them that you appreciate their suggestions, but you and your spouse make the final decisions. Be considerate, controlling your emotions and temper as much as possible, being careful to think before you speak those venomous words swirling through your mind at the time.
Are you having difficulty getting along with your in-laws? Would you like to share your story or ask a question related to your specific situation? Or, if your relationship with the in-laws has been virtually flawless, to the point where you simply love and adore your in-laws, what further advice would you give couples dealing with in-law problems? Comments, questions and suggestions are welcome in the comment section below.
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Toxic Relationships: Toxic Family Members
How to Fight Fair in Marriage
How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law
Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage
How to Spice Up Your Marriage: Fun and Easy Ways to Add Romance to Your Relationship
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Understanding Assertiveness: Getting the Respect You Deserve
What Does it Mean to Leave and Cleave in Traditional Wedding Vows?
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- How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law
- “What does it mean to “leave and cleave” in traditional wedding vows? How do you balance “leave and cleave” with honoring your parents?”
- How to Be a Good Daughter-In-Law: Building a Great Daughter-In-Law Relationship With Your Mother-In-Law
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The photo at the top of this article hits home with me. That movie sums up my relationship with my in-laws to a t. When it comes to dealing with them, my strategy is simple. Don’t pick ANY battles. There is absolutely no way I can win and complaining will only make my wife feel as though she has to take sides as you so correctly pointed out. I think of dinner at my in-laws as I do a trip to the dentist. Close my eyes and go to a happy place until its all over.
Matt, I think just about every family has in-law problems to varying degrees. Every family has at least one person that just drives you absolutely crazy, and sometimes it gets to the point where you have to make the decision to put a lot of distance between that person/people and yourself in order to have a happy and lasting marriage.
[...] problems with friends, family or in-laws, as this will be seen as a betrayal of trust and makes getting along with in-laws more [...]
I second matt’s post above. My mother-in-law, unfortunately is a narcissist. The only saving factor in this is that she treats everyone equally (but badly), so at least I don’t have doubts or guilt.
After a few years and near divorce, I learned that my marriage will not survive without really steep boundaries. We now have very little contact with MIL, and our marriage is so peaceful and happy.
Moral of the story for me: there are some people (and in-laws) who can’t really be handled. They just have to be kept at a distance.
Distancing yourselves from a problematic mother in-law is sometimes what is necessary to save the marriage.
Although my ex-mother in-law passed away shortly after my first marriage, we didn’t speak the same language (she only spoke Spanish) so that eliminated quite a bit of problems for us.
I forgot to mention that I have an article for mother-in-laws coming in two days, so stay tuned for that.
[...] need to discover for themselves how to get along with the in-laws, and it may take them a little time to determine the right boundaries for them. Do not get pulled [...]
My mother in law to be on July 20, 2008 is a so close to my fiance. They talk on the phone 3-4 times a day, everyday. He is so close to her that he has advised me that it will not change when we get married because he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. Of course he goes over to the house and helps her everytime she calls. He is the middle child and has and brother 17 and and older brother 25. She stills calls my fiance everytime something happens. He says that his mom will always be there and not matter what anybody says he will not change that. I am not asking him to stop talking to his mom but maybe once a day instead of 3-4 times everyday. I also have an issue with the fact that she just says whatever she wants and he will defend her. The other day we were at the store and she came in and said “Didn’t I tell you not to put that on until your honeymoon.” Yes, she was talking to me. This was clothing that I paid for with my own money. I had to ask myself who is she talking to? I explained it to my fiance and he said that I was being SENSITIVE and that if he explained that to his mom that she would just say that I am too sensitive. That she doesn’t feel like she did anything wrong. My question is how do you deal with this situation? Would you still get married?
Ayh, wow. If my mother-in-law-to-be said that to me, I’d be pretty upset too and I’d say something about it. No, I don’t believe you are being overly sensitive.
If your fiance’ doesn’t see anything wrong with how his mom speaks or behaves with you now, even before the wedding, I’d be very concerned about what things will be like after the wedding and in the future years.
You are not her daughter, and she has no right to say such a mean-spirited comment like that to you, nor does she have the right to tell you what, when, where, how or why to do anything in your life, with or without your husband.
If I were in your shoes right now, I’d be having a very serious (and respectful) conversation with my fiance’ about what you will and will not accept from him, his mother or anyone else in the family. You need to be sure you know what “non-negotiable boundaries” you have for yourself, and make them very clear to your husband-to-be before it’s too late. Be sure to read my article Non-Negotiable Boundaries to learn more about how to know what your own boundaries are, and what things you may want to add to your personal list. Then, stick by them.
Then, there needs to be specific and agreed upon boundaries set as far as how much influence or time your mother-in-law will have in your marriage and life as a couple, including phone calls, visits etc.
Believe me, you want to be sure you know all there is to know about this and how your fiance’ really feels about these things before your wedding arrives. Putting it off until after the wedding may find you in a situation you didn’t imagine or want for your life, and you need to know NOW what life is likely to be like if you marry your fiance’ and what things will be like dealing with your mother-in-law.
I wouldn’t wish these kind of mother-in-law problems on anyone, and I wish you much luck in whatever you decide.
I have been having trouble finding an article about what to do when the in-laws themselves do not get along. My fiance gets along great with my mom and I get along great with his parents, but there is a problem when we all want to get together for some holiday. My mom is very judgmental and can say offensive things without thinking about them beforehand; therefore I know the problem mainly stems from her side. I have tried telling her to be nice and try not to say the first thing that comes to mind because it hurts peoples’ feelings, but she still has a little trouble doing those simple things. My fiance’s mother is very nice and very hard working, she works so hard that she barely ever has time to take care of herself. I can go on and on, but to make this short, ever since the last time that we tried to get everyone together and my mom told my fiance’s mom to get her teeth fixed (since she is missing half of her bottom teeth), neither one of them want to be near each other and I am also afraid that getting them together will only make things worse. Also, my fiance’s brother tends to be vulgar at times which may cause problems with my mom. For now, I believe that it is probably best to keep them apart unless we have no choice but to invite them all to an event, such as graduation and wedding, but I would still like for them to get along and look past each others’ flaws.
Hi Jules, I understand all too well what you’re experiencing here. Been there myself, and we’ve found it is best to keep them separate as well.
As much as we’d like in-laws to get along with each other and treat each other with respect, sometimes it just doesn’t happen how we’d like.
What we’ve been doing, and it works well for us, is to have separate gatherings, perhaps a day or so apart, or even on different weekends.
Unfortunately, we can’t control how other people behave, but we can decide for ourselves not to participate in the craziness. I agree that the best option would be to keep things separate for any holidays, etc. Graduation ceremonies may be a little more difficult, but doable if you can arrange to have separate seating areas that would help keep certain people far away from each other as much as possible.
I’ve heard from some people who have decided not to invite the person who creates most of the problems as a way to reduce the stress, and if that’s what you need to do, than it’s up to you. Distance from problematic people is sometimes all that anyone can do. Good luck.
[...] Marriage How to Be a Good Step-Parent How to Fight Fair in Marriage How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law How to Get Along With the In-Laws Taking Care of Aging Parents as a Family Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage How to Spice Up [...]
[...] to Fight Fair in Marriage How to Keep the Fire Alive in Your Marriage How to Spice Up Your Marriage How to Get Along With the In-Laws How to Be a Good Step-Parent How to Be a Good [...]
[...] Dealing with family members and in-laws can be especially difficult and stressful. If there are family members or in-laws that treat you like their personal doormat, criticizing and ridiculing you for everything and anything, you may have to consider putting a strict limit on how often you associate with them, if at all. [...]
I have been married eight years to a wonderful man. We are great together and have two little girls, one is five and the other is almost two. My in-laws are very kind and sensitive people who will do anything under the sun for my kids and my husband…..(me?????). There are times when I do love them very much, but yes there is a but…in a very subtle way they are manipulators. The mother more so. There have been numerous incidents when I had to put my foot down, and one which was four years ago was not pretty. Basically they all have to do with the rearing of the children. My m-i-l acts as if they were hers. She literally takes over when she is here in my home and it annoys me to high heaven. Just two weeks ago I had to reprimand my five year old and my f-i-l flipped out. He was yelling at me and saying that I had no right to make her cry, he was going on and on. The m-i-l was doing the same. I ignored them as long as I could then I just firmly said…”I am the mother”, well they really lost it when I said that. They were ranting on and on. They left my home, and two weeks into it have not called my girls or I. My husband now tells me that he spoke to them today and invited them over (we both want to have a talk with them) but they refuse to come to our home. I am in a quandry. I do not want to harbor resentment against them, and I do not want to make my husband miserable as he is very very close to them. I need some good advice.
Hi Elizabeth, it is very good that you spoke up with your in-laws in how they try to parent your children for you, and even telling you how to be parent. Wow! That would make me mad too!
Neither of them have the right to behave the way they did, and I really hope that your husband is backing you up on this and will speak up to his parents and tell them that it is unacceptable behavior for either of them to be yelling at you or telling you how to care for your own child.
Your husband has reached out to his parents and invited them over, but they won’t come. Perhaps your husband could suggest that the two of you (without children along) go over to their place to have a talk, or meet up for dinner at a restaurant. Maybe they need a little time to calm down, but two weeks later is rather ridiculous.
And hopefully your husband (since it’s his parents) is backing you up on this and will speak up and express the boundaries that the two of you decide on as a couple, in order to present a united front. Don’t allow in-laws to treat you like their personal doormat.
One of the things I have found to be remarkable is that the tension between the wife and the mother in law (grooms mother) can truly be the “elephant in the room”. As a man, and someone who has talked to a lot of his male friends I have been amazed by the natural contention that occurs between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. It almost has become a joke between my friends. One thing we have commented about more than once is the fact that the conflict always seems to be between the bride and the groom’s mother. Never the groom and the mother-in-law. The crazy thing is that if you watch sitcoms they always portray the issue as between the groom and mother-in-law, where in reality it is very seldom the problem.
I really think more marriage counselors need to talk about the dynamics of the relationship change and tensions that will occur between the wife and the mother in law.
ML, problems between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are definitely more common than the conflicts with the son-in-law. It is a real shame that more men/husbands are not speaking up to their mother/parents on behalf of their wives, making very clear that “this is my wife and she will be treated with respect and dignity”, and be prepared to defend their wives when being attacked or ridiculed by family members.
[...] Dealing with in-laws can be very difficult, with one or more family members creating problems and stress in your marriage due to their own false expectations of time spent together; conflicts and arguments with toxic family members over where holidays and special occasions will be spent; disagreements over how grandchildren should be raised or disciplined; mother-in-law’s being over-involved and critical about how to cook and clean house or sharing her personal opinions on being a good wife or husband without being asked for such advice. [...]
I have a dilema.
I dont’ really have a specific problem with my bf’s parents. And they have never mentioned their dislike or disapproval towards me to him until he spoke to them about his problems with our relationship. Then his parents told him the things they didn’t like about me, which sparked his decision to break up with me. While I knwo he still loves me, his parents not being happy with me is a real big deal to him. I feel betrayed in a way because he was never on my side, and never defended me while his parents said all these things to him. Althought I dont know exactly what they said to him, I know that he would not defend me. I just feel like if this relationship is able to be salvaged, I will always be second to his parents. And that I would always be left alone in situations. But I really want us to work out, how should i approach his parents and also make him realize that he has to be on my side?
Air, as hard as this is for you, it may be out of your control. You certainly can decide to approach his parents (respectfully of course) and ask them to tell you what problems they have with your relationship with their son.
However, they’re not under any obligation to tell you anything, or even agree to discuss it. Whatever the problems are/were in your relationship, they’re enough to cause you BF to decide to break things off.
His not defending you in situations with family or others is a very big deal. Whatever his personal reasons are for not speaking up on your behalf, you can’t force what isn’t there.
Before deciding if you will or won’t talk to his parents, I recommend spending some time really evaluating the good, bad and the ugly aspects of the relationship. The chances that his parents will somehow change their minds, or change their opinion of you after speaking with them is slim-to-none, leaning more towards none.
Carefully consider your personal list of “relationship deal breakers”, and being very honest with yourself, ask yourself: Do I really want to be in a relationship/marriage where my BF/husband’s family doesn’t like me and….where I am completely on my own in conflict situations because my BF/husband won’t defend me?
Is that the kind of relationship/marriage and treatment that you really want to put yourself through, or cut your losses now and move on knowing you aren’t putting up with less than you deserve. Like, being treated with respect and dignity. Personally, I think you’d be wasting your time trying to talk to his family, but the choice is always yours. Good luck!
I know that their major problem is that we don’t have much communication going out between us. Because I’m typically a very quiet person and don’t have much to say. I actually think that problems between his parents and me can be solved and improved on. My biggest issue is the bf.
Wow Air. I really feel for you. It sounds like a really tough situation to be in.
Lin said:
His not defending you in situations with family or others is a very big deal.
While I understand and agree with Lin in part, I think that the fierce loyalty between couples should be reserved for the man or woman you marry. Sometimes we really need to listen to the wise advice our parent give.
It might we wise to talk to your BF and explain to him that you would like to know what his parents said because if you have character flaws you are not aware of, then the only way you will know is if someone tells you.
Then if he does tell you, once he is done, be very gracious and say, “While you might be right, this is a lot for me to take right now. I really need time to think about everything you just told me.” Again be very gracious. Then really evaluate what he has said, and see if there is any truth in it.
If you think he is wrong, then he is probably using his parent as an out because he is not man enough to break up for another reason.
This is my second marriage. I do not get along w my in-laws. They don’t like me and visa versa. The thought of having to spend time w them makes my stomach in knots. My sister-in-law asked her brother to go away this weekend. Me included, the only problem is that I haven’t spoke to my sister-in-law in one year. the last time we did speak it was a screamin fest. How do I tell my husband that I don’t want to go this weekend without having a fight? When it comes to his family he gets very defensive. We have seperated several times over his family. I love him but I can’t see this working when he doesn’t want to be with my family and he expects me to be with his. A whole weekend w her, her boyfriend and her daughter who is a spoiled little brat that when she is around my husband doesn’ know I exsist. He goes overboard with the i love you’s and your my angel hi honey the whole gamit. I love my grandkids and I don’t act like that. It makes my stomach turn. Helpless in Coram
Unhappy, spending time with in-laws that you don’t get along with can be very difficult for sure. The fact that you and your husband have separated over in-law problems definitely shows there’s a real problem, perhaps communication is a big problem for the both of you.
It’s really important for married couples to learn to pick their battles, and not turn every situation into a deal breaker. Your husband is going to feel loyalty for his family to some degree, just like you would feel loyalty for your own family. A big problem for both husband and wives is when it comes to “leaving and cleaving”, and having those apron strings tied real tight to parents and family on either side.
You and your husband need to talk with each other about the family problems as you see them, and as he sees them. You both need to come to an agreement on what the REAL problems are with any in-laws and agree on solutions you both can be happy and excited about. It doesn’t have to be just your way or his way, but rather “our way”.
Discussing these problems together as a married couple, without sounding accusatory or pointing fingers at his family or his pointing fingers at your family, and carefully considering each others views and feelings, can help resolve the problems by working together rather than as opponents.
There’s certainly nothing wrong with telling your husband you don’t want to go this weekend, and you can even give him solid information as to why (not accusations though), but the more you avoid contact and family time with his side of the family will only work to divide your marriage even more.
It seems to me that the two of you might benefit from marriage counseling, where the both of you can discuss the problems openly with a third party, and who can give you both suggestions and advice on finding solutions you both can be satisfied with.
Wow! unhappy in coram that sounds like a real messy situation. It sounds like there are many attachments and competing loyalties involved in this situation.
It is always hard to be the bigger person, but you might just have to be that person during the weekend visit. If it is only once a year it might be worth the effort of being the peace maker. It won’t be easy, but it could just pay dividends.
I would make sure to have concrete exit strategy if you feel you are about to loose it. Maybe bring some walking shoes or plan on something you can go cook for the group. When the weekend is over and you are ready to tear into you husband just choose to let it go. It has taken me years, and I still have not perfected it. It might be worth seeing a counselor together to talk about the issues. Just let him know you love him and that you are willing to make the effort. It really could go a long way. Again, you might want to give a counselor a try because it does sound like you guys are dealing with some tough issues.
Good Luck!
Hi David, I’m glad to see we agree on the benefits of seeking marriage counseling, especially since the statistics of divorce for second and/or third marriages is very high. It’s much better to work very hard together as a couple to find solutions to problems, as dealing with in-laws is one very big problem for many married couples, and seeing a counselor could certainly bring great benefits.
[...] How to Get Along With the In-Laws [...]
I have always wanted to be a good mother in law to my son in law and daughter in law. I always tried hard to get to know my mother in law and to be liked by her, but it never happened. I wanted it so badly and always wondered what I did to make her dislike me that much. So I vowed that if I could make it different when my children got married it would not be the same for their spouse.
I knew that their would be times that I would not agree with the way that they did things. So I decided that the best way to help them along their path in marrage is not to preach at them but to be a friend and make it not just my life through example, but to teach them to have fun and know that it is alright to have days that they do not agree with me, as I told each of them that I could promise them that one day I would probably not agree with them. The best part of life is that no one said my way was the only way. Love, Learn, Laugh, and most of all admit we are all human and have differences. Be a friend not just to their face but a friend behind their back too. It will make life a whole lot easier. Have fun as you grow into becoming a mother in law or father in law, be sure to warn the youth that we have our lisense to not be liked by them, because we are elderly. So when they think we are all those bad names, tell them not to feel that way, it happens with our minds as we become aged, we forget were our nose belongs. Except the fact they might not do everything the way we did it and just remember humor helps to get through the rough areas. Trust me, if you try it in years, you will agree with me. Best wishes for all those youth and all those cranky prefect elderly parents like me that love to offer our help a little to much. Smile, and talk to yourself as you leave your childs home, Talking to yourself has to do with becoming elderly too. Great excuse…But will help both sides grow closer together.
MsB, some parents haven’t learned to let go of their children once they’ve grown and moved on with their lives, gotten married and begun having families of their own. If more parents would take your approach and not become too involved or begin meddling in their children’s lives and marriages, everyone would be a lot happier and people wouldn’t have to try and figure out “how to get along with the in-laws” as much as they do. Good for you!
My in laws try to spark insecurity in me. They think that I am looking for relationship/marriage guidance. I do not solicit them for advice, nor do I give them details about our relationship. They take simple comments from him or I and speculate. Then then ask very personal questions like, “Well are you two sure you’re ready for marriage?” They hear one thing from my husband to be, then tell me something else. It’s like they are trying to create conflict between us. The latest is, “Well he told me that marriage is all your idea.” Of course I tell them the truth, it’s actually the other way around, and they reply, “Well that’s not what I heard!”
They’ve sparked fights between us several times over the past 5 years, and I know they love it. I just can’t get over the nerve of these people.
My husband to be is from a different culture, but it is not extremely different in regards to custom, rather it is different in terms of class and respect. They openly show me signs of disrespect, some do not even acknowledge me when I speak to them. The “problem in laws” are all female. Most are single parents and insecure. I know it’s a waste of time to wonder why they dislike me, and I don’t care. My family is quite opposite from his, we are very reserved. My family would never openly ask us personal questions about our relationship, much less ask him separately.
I’ve told my husband to be that he must be very clear about our relationship with them, even vague is necessary.
He does agree with me that they “toxic” but continues to feed them personal information, after which they speculate and gossip.
My family wants me to have a wedding, but I can’t stand the thought of inviting the “toxic in laws” or even his mother, who asked me why she wasn’t included in making our decision to get married. At this point I having doubts about even getting married; I can’t stand the thought of these people thinking I’m forcing the marriage.
Hi Susan, it sure does appear from your message that his side of the family isn’t liking the idea of you two getting married. It’s always a bad idea to discuss personal relationship stuff with in-laws; they will always…take sides with their closest relative in some sense of “loyalty”.
You are wise to consider carefully what marriage would be like if you choose to get married into this family.
Past and present behavior is always an indicator of future behavior, and if this is the way things have been going, it comes down to deciding whether or not you are willing to spend the rest of your life dealing with this sort of thing in your life and marriage.
I’m glad that your fiance’ agrees that their is definite toxicity in the relationship, but it is disturbing that he continues to feed them information about your relationship that only makes matters worse. It isn’t likely to stop though.
Only you can decide when enough is enough and if you are willing to tolerate the meddling and gossip etc in your life, for the rest of your life.
You are fortunate that you recognize these things prior to getting married; others haven’t been so fortunate, as you can probably see from the number of comments and questions on this article and the one about toxic family members. Good luck in whatever you decide.
I have really messed up. I married my husband 9 years ago and over half that time we have spent living with his parents. They cater to all his whims, and pay for all his expensive hobbies (first hunting, then guitar, hot rods, golf, motorcycles…). He thinks guys who give their wives a paycheck to pay bills are chumps, so he never has given me money to manage the finances, but at the same time, won’t pay the bills either. If it’s in his name, his parents will eventually pay it for him. If it’s in my name, the bill collectors call and call and call. He says he loves me and wants us to have our own place but his actions don’t mirror those sentiments. He blows every dime he gets his greedy hands on. We have one son, 8 years old. There are days when my husband comes home from work and doesn’t acknowledge our son at all. Like he’s just a housemate at some hippie commune. It’s like he doesn’t remember that he is someone’s father because he’s too busy enjoying being his mother’s son. I am working right now but i don’t make enough money to support my son and i. We don’t have any family where we live. I love the town we live in but I can’t afford to live there on my own even with a full time job and child support. I could move in with my dad (6 hrs away)but he views house work as woman’s work and every time i’ve lived with him i’ve felt like a servant. They don’t treat me like that here but since I’ve started working the house work situation is desperate. My husband only washes his own clothes, not mine or our sons and if he does wash our jeans with his greasy work clothes he acts like he deserves an award. In-laws hate me. mil is always baiting the conversation to bring up topics she can give advice about. this woman is overweight, unemployed (and has been for most of her marriage), and her two grown sons, ages 32 and 31, still live with her yet she gives me advice on weight loss, careers and get rich quick schemes, and parenting. i have made such a mess of my life. i have no control over what happens in the home i live in and very little over how my son is raised. please give me advice!
Wow Jane! Your in-laws are what I describe as “enablers”, and it’s such a shame that some parents haven’t figured out how enabling grown adult children really is hurting them in so many ways.
My opinion is that as long as you are living with his parents and under their thumb, your marriage will suffer, likely to the point of divorce. Just the fact that you’re saying you can’t afford to provide for just yourself and your son suggests to me that you’ve at least considered divorce as an option.
You must, somehow, find a way of moving out of their home A.S.A.P and begin living on your own, but not with anyone else either, whether that includes your husband or not is up to you.
Even if it means starting out in a low-rent neighborhood, or even if it means getting federal housing help due to your income, you must live on your own rather than with your in-laws or with anyone else.
Whatever bills are in your name, pay them with your income and on time, even if it means you need to actually hide money from your husband so he doesn’t get to use/waste the money. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of what can/will happen to your credit by not doing so.
Starting out on your own, even if it’s in a “sub standard” neighborhood until you get something better/nicer will bring you so much peace and tranquility, you’ll wonder why you didn’t decide to do it beforehand.
Remember: Children learn what they live. Staying in the in-law’s home, with all the constant drama, interference and meddling (and enabling for goodness sake) will teach your young son to be lazy, disrespectful, etc despite your efforts to teach him otherwise.
Make a plan to move out and do so as soon as you possibly can. You and your son will be the better for it, and your husband will very likely show you his “true colors” about any desire to continue with the marriage or not. I do not recommend discussing your plan with your in-laws or with anyone else, as it will likely be used against you in various ways. Please let me know how it all works out.
Thank you so much for your advice. Yesterday I made the decision to leave my husband and to tell the truth, he seemed relieved. Sad too, but I think we both knew where it was headed. Today I am leaving to find work and a place to live closer to my family. My husband says he will not contest custody in the divorce, that our son will live with me and visit him on weekends/summer vacation etc. He has also said he won’t try to keep him from me and I can try to find a job and house first. He says that way it will be less stressful for our son and we don’t have to tell him right away. I think it would be less stressful but my husband told his parents about what is going on, of course, and I’m afraid they will wait until I’m gone and tell my son I’ve left without him because I didn’t want him. I would love to say they are above that but I can’t. I believe my husband means what he says but he is easily swayed by others’ opinions and you know how people are when they know you’re getting a divorce. Should I trust them and let my son stay until I get situated? I’m hoping it doesn’t take more than 3 weeks.
Hi Jane,
I’m really not surprised at all how things turned out. It seemed like the divorce was long in coming, and now it’s arrived.
Under NO circumstances would I recommend leaving your son with him and his family. Absolutely take your son with you when you leave. There are important things to consider about telling your child about the divorce, so I’d like you read my article telling children about your divorce in order to understand the Do’s and Dont’s about discussing the divorce and when with your child.
Considering how your in-laws feel about you, and your husband’s unwillingness/inability to confront situations, I would absolutely NOT recommend that you leave your son there for even a MINUTE when you leave. Take him with you, no matter what it takes to do so. You don’t want to inflict any more emotional stress on your child by anything that might be said by the in-laws, and there’s no way of knowing what might be said when your husband is not around. Protect your child’s emotional and mental health by taking him with you. No matter what it takes.
I agree and I have Something to vent on .My husband has three sisters and a mother who all lives in the same house.They invite his kids mothers over for all type of gatherings and bring them up in conversations that we have and when I try to voice my opinion they get mad and say all type of bad things to me like i hope he leaves you and I had one come to my job and try to fight me. When we disagree about anything or have a heated discussion they always have something to say Ive had it with them I love my husband but its like whenever we get into it he goes over there house like I have done something wrong what advice do you have for me
Mrs. Doss, Wow what a mess you’re going through. I just found your email (somehow it ended up in my spam folder) and if I remember right it said you just got married in March of this year? Yikes! After discussing in-law problems to such a large extent on this site, I’m really not sure what to tell you other than for you to have a calm and respectful conversation with your husband about these issues to find out for sure where he stands. If he is unwilling and uninterested in resolving the issues with his family’s attitude and behavior towards you, you have to decide for yourself what your “relationship deal breakers” are. When is enough enough for you? Do you get a divorce? Separate for awhile hoping things get better? That is something you have to decide for yourself.
jane its funny that you said sit down and have a calm discussion with my husband we did last night and he said he never meant to make me feel the way i do he just try to keep the peace without bringing me back the rifraf thanks
Mrs. Doss,
Sometimes husband’s feel like they’re caught in the middle and they don’t know when to step in and say something to stop the drama. Usually the sort of things I hear about are when husband’s do absolutely nothing…ever. They sit back and say nothing while their wife is being attacked by his own family and he says and does nothing. That’s just wrong. Guys that are…how do I put this…very passive in their personalities (”don’t want to make waves”) are often the kind of men who have wives that going through this sort of thing with in-laws. Husbands have to understand that then they those to get married to their wife, the principle of “leaving and cleaving” unto their wife includes speaking up on behalf of their wives with their family members. It’s just one part of the responsible and role of husbands. The same is the case with wives and their families too.
This will be the last chance I get to go online until I find a new place and get everything going. I just wanted to say thank you so much for taking the time to “tell it like it is.” I really needed a second opinion and my instincts agree with everything you’ve said. My son and I are leaving tonight and even though it is a really difficult situation, the tension in my stomach is gone. I know 100% that this is the right decision. Thanks again, you really made a difference.
Take care Jane, and I’ll be thinking of you while you and your son go through this transition in your lives.
My bf’s father was living in an RV in our backyard for 1 1/2 before moving out (he left the RV there). But as he was leaving her blamed me up in down for kicking him out. We got into a huge agruement while my boyfriend was in Japana serving in the army. As soon as he came back, his dad told him that he wasn’t going to come to the wedding if we ever got married, along with other name calling. I admit, I didn’t want him there to begin with. But I never came out and said that he needs to go. We finally got the RV out of our backyard 6 months later. The whole time he was there, we could not seem to rebuild our lives. We were devestated by katrina with 14 feet of water. He supposedly moved in to help rebuild, but he didn’t even pick up a hammer. I had discussion with my bf to see when his dad thinks he can move but i never told him to leave. Well my bf went back and told his dad everything i was saying. That’s when it all started. We still do not talk to this day. His dad didn’t even show up for Christmas which was at our house.
Shannon, first let me say that I’m so sorry that you and so many others have had to deal with the devastation Katrina brought to all of you on the Texas/Louisiana coastline. I can definitely see how you would feel used by the brother. Not even picking up a hammer and helping with making repairs etc is just awful. It’s ridiculous how some family members can behave when things don’t go their way! You and your boyfriend have every right to make a decision about how long the brother can continue living on your property, so don’t make any apologies for that. You allowed him to stay for awhile and then it was decided that he needed to go his own way. Nuf said. How “dad” reacted to it, not showing up for xmas etc is simply ridiculous. Hopefully your relationship with your boyfriend is going strong and you’re able to pick up the pieces of your lives there and move on. Sometimes it’s just best to “cut your losses” even with family members who try to dictate your lives to you, when you’re obviously old enough to make decisions on your own. Good luck Shannon!
I have had to deal with an interfering MIL since I was 15 years old. That is when my husband and I started dating. In the beginning I cherished the ground my MIL walked on. I loved her so much. She said that I was like a daughter to her… Well the problem is that she was friends with my husband’s ex-girlfriend. When I say friends, she would invite her to family dinner, while I was there. She would invite her to my husband’s baseball games. She would invite her to my husband’s little sister’s birthday parties. She would come over ALL THE TIME. When I got pregnant with my first daughter, she encouraged me to invite her to my baby shower, being young and dumb, of course I did. I was only 18 at the time and was just trying to please my MIL. Well on top of all that she also encouraged my husband to remain friends with her. That was a BIG issue for us because the ex was still in love with him. She never wanted to break up in the first place. She would send my husband cards, and pictures, and she even got him a motorcycle in her name, and paid for it sometimes. Eventually I left my husband because I couldn’t deal with competing for my own HUSBAND. Well we were apart for about 8 months, and got back together. I asked him, upon getting back together, why was this girl always there and he told me it was because he was listening to his mom. His mom was basically supporting their friendship even though it was tearing our family apart. I have been married for 4 years, have been with him for 8, and we have 2 daughters. His mom was trying to tear our family apart. To this day I don’t know what him mom has against me. I wasn’t a bad child when we met. I was actually on my way to any college that I wanted to attend because I had a 3.9 GPA. That was placed on hold because of my daughter. I take great care of my kids and her son, who doesn’t work by the way. I have never done anything flat out wrong to deserve the treatment she has given me. She doesn’t think she did anything immoral by having this other woman in our lives. And right now she still remains friends with this woman. My husband doesn’t talk to her any longer, but his mom does. Now we’re having issues, my husband and I, because his mom is trying to control what goes on in OUR house. He won’t really say anything to her. He tells me that I should go talk to her. I don’t think that is my job. I feel like he should be the one to smooth things over because it is his mother who is interfering in our marriage. I am at a loss right now. Please advise.
Wow Kiana, this is really a crazy situation you’re having to deal with. I’d be pretty upset about it too if I was in this situation.
There is definitely a big problem here, and your MIL isn’t doing much to prove her words are true at all. While there isn’t a law against your MIL remaining friends with your husband’s ex, her insistence to include this lady in everything that goes on in the family is overstepping her boundaries for sure.
I’d be livid. While I would definitely be upset with the MIL if it were me, but I’d be downright LIVID toward the hubby for being such a momma’s boy and not speaking up on your behalf, and telling his mother (respectfully) to butt out. From the outside looking in on this situation, it feels to me as though your MIL is secretly hoping your husband and this chick will get back together. Maybe that’s not correct (and you can bet the MIL wouldn’t admit it if confronted directly), but it sure LOOKS like that from the outside.
If it were me in this situation, I’d be putting my foot down real hard with the hubby. I’d be telling him that under no circumstances will I tolerate the meddling of the MIL and I certainly will not tolerate/allow the other lady to be involved or in attendance of any family functions from this day forward. Then I’d say, if this woman is invited/plans to attend a family function or gathering where you and hubby are invited to be, I’d cancel those plans immediately and refuse to attend no matter what. The hubby would know without an ounce of doubt that there will be no game playing allowed from the MIL, no further “momma’s boy b.s.” and that he either stands up and behaves like a grown man/husband, and makes clear he is married to you and only wants to be with you etc…or he can hit the road and don’t let the door hit ya in the arse……on your way out the door jack.
Kiana, I have my own personal “deal breakers”, and you need to develop your own and make those perfectly clear to your hubby. He is obviously very…………..passive, especially in regards to his mother. Argh! Guys that won’t speak up to their own mothers meddling makes me nuts!, and I can only imagine how it makes you feel.
Sometimes when I hear stories like yours, I want to go up to the guy and ask him Where are your man pants?!
Basically Kiana, you have to either make perfectly clear to the hubby how this whole situation is affecting you and what exactly you need him to do about it, and then see what (if anything) he actually DOES about it, and go from there. If he does nothing, or says x,y,z and doesn’t follow through when needed, then you will know without a doubt that you’re married to a momma’s boy who is not likely to change. Then you have a really important decision to make: Is it a relationship deal breaker for you? Only you can decide that. But I wish you well in trying to work this out, or not.
[...] How to Get Along With the In-Laws [...]
[...] a son-in-law, you have a responsibility to build a great relationship with your in-laws. Your wife and family are counting on you to do so. You have to learn to become a part of her [...]
I have been married for 24 years, and Im now begining to believe that maybe my hubby is right, that it me and not them in the wrong…
My in-laws that if now refer to as the Governing Body.
Hi Sunflower,
If that is the case, that you are creating problems within the family, I hope these In-law articles are a help to you in figuring out how to fix the problems so all of you can have a great family relationship.
HI. I am having problems with my husband. The problem started when my mother in law heard a gossip from my maid that I am having an afair.. which of course is not true.
But my mother in law believing the gossip, called my husband who has been working in another country for quite some time, and told all about the gossip.
Naturally my husband reacted and called me and started bickering on me.
My mother in law never called me first or talked about it with me.
Now my husband after 3 years that happened, is still telling me that his mother’s reaction is natural and that his reaction is natural.
What I am sad and mournful about was that he never did have second thoughts that the rumor wasn’t true. Because he immediately yanked on me and severely hurled emotional hurtful words.
I am most sad because I am working that time too, leaving my children with the maids and seeing them only in the evenings after work. I have been work and home only with no real social life. But here comes my mother in law hurriedly talking to my husband because of the rumor.
The rumored guy I am seeing was my subordinate who happened to ask only what are the other tasks he need to do since he is at night shift.
That’s it and up to now, what I only ask is a sincere apology from my husband that he misjudged me. I never thought he would think of me that way and would react that way.
Until now, though it has been 3years, still he is very stern that his mother’s reaction is not faulty because she reacted naturally. But he never gave me a sincere apology because he told me outright I am the type that can be doubted.
What will I do? I love my husband but he seems he cannot go over defending his mother at the expense of the truth and what I feel.
Hi Menyi,
This sort of situation is just one reason why long distance relationships or marriages can often create problems for couples.
If it’s been three years since this situation happened and there hasn’t been an apology from your husband or mother in law, it’s safe to say that there won’t be an apology coming. You may have to just let that one go and move on from there.
It would have been best if your mother in law had come to you and discussed the rumor she heard from the maid as soon as she heard it, so that you could dispel any concerns or fears that the rumor might be believed.
It doesn’t surprise me that your MIL would only discuss this scenario with her son, because like it or not… she’s going to feel loyalty to her son over and above any feelings or loyalty towards you.
Your feelings of hurt and sadness are understandable, and I hope you, your husband and MIL can move on from this and not let it cause a strain in your relationship with either of them.
With your husband living so far away, hearing gossip and rumors about what his wife may or may not be doing in his absence has to be very difficult for him. The fact that he told you that you are “the type that can be doubted” tells me there is some work to be done in the relationship/marriage. The distance has a lot to do with it, because if both of you were living in the same place, rumors and gossip such as this wouldn’t be such a problem for you. I do hope you and your husband can work this out and have a great marriage, but at this point it seems as though you’re “beating a dead horse”, and I really don’t see an apology coming from either your husband or mother in law. Good luck!