Does the mere mention of the word “in-laws” or “mother-in-law” increase your blood pressure to possibly dangerous levels? Are you having difficulty in knowing how to get along with the in-laws in your family to the point where you really just want to know how to get rid of your mother-in-law, sister-in-law or other family members? Does one or more of your in-laws cause you to “walk on eggshells” around them most of the time, or when talking about certain subjects?
You might have agreed to stand by the love of your life for better or for worse, but you probably were not expecting to have to try and get along with difficult in-laws or struggle with mother-in-law problems, and you might now even feel like you hate your in-laws. Getting along with in-laws can be very challenging at times, especially if you’re made to feel that all the problems are your fault, causing you to feel that it’s easier to just shut up and put up in order to keep the peace. Then there’s the often ominous time spent over the holidays with in-laws that you’d just rather not have to deal with at all. Sound familiar?
Common problems might be that your mother-in-law criticizes your cooking or housekeeping skills, asking when you and your husband will have children, or criticizing how you raise and discipline your children with unsolicited parenting advice. Maybe your mother-in-law does or says things that suggest she still thinks of your husband as her little boy, struggling or refusing to let go of the apron strings, or the painful reality that your parents and the in-laws will never get along and you wonder if your marriage will last.
Dealing With In-Laws
Are you the spouse that doesn’t understand why your mate has such an angry and resentful attitude when it comes to your parent’s influence in your marriage? If you are the husband trying to figure out what to do if your mom and your wife don’t get along, you need to understand why your wife is so upset and why she’s having so much difficulty in getting along with your mother and other members of the family.
While it is true that not every situation or conflict requires you to step in and handle the problems between your mother and your wife, your wife is angry because intrusive, controlling, manipulative, and opinionated in-laws are invading private issues that should only be talked about or decided by you and your spouse alone. This includes dealing with the sister-in-law, brother-in-law, father-in-law, and any other problematic in-law within the family.
Ask yourself: Would you consider it unacceptable behavior if someone came into your home and picked up your checkbook and began questioning you about your purchases? Wouldn’t you take immediate offense to this behavior because it would really be none of their business how you spend your money? Your wife views your parents’ constant involvement and intrusion into personal matters the same way.
Your wife feels that your unwillingness to speak up and put a stop to these intrusions into your marriage and family life, including personal attacks on her as your wife, as a personal betrayal bordering on abuse. Your wife may believe that the emotional abuse, manipulation by controlling and downright toxic in-laws is a relationship deal-breaker for her, and may cost you your marriage if you don’t put an immediate stop to it. Now.
Your wife believes that every time you take your parents’ side or do nothing to stop your parents’ intrusion, you are betraying your wedding vows to leave and cleave unto your spouse, honoring your mate above ALL others. Betrayal is one of the deepest offenses that can ever be inflicted upon the heart of your spouse, which if not changed will create tremendous anger and resentment that will drive you and your spouse further apart, ultimately landing you right into divorce court. Yes, it really is that serious.
Are you planning on staying married to your spouse? Then, regardless of whether you are the wife or the husband, the two of you must come to an agreement that there is a problem with the in-laws that needs to be solved, in order to protect your marriage from toxic in-laws
How to Get Along With In-Laws
- There can be no divided loyalties. When you married your spouse and spoke your wedding vows, you promised to put your husband or wife as the first and primary person in your life, and that’s where your loyalty rightly belongs. If your wife has a problem with her mother-in-law, it’s the husband who needs to step in and work on fixing it. The same applies if a husband has a problem with his in-laws, his wife must speak up on behalf of her husband.
- Good fences make good neighbors. Clear boundaries, as in really good fences, need to be established and set in place about when in-laws are and are not invited into your lives. Negotiate the boundaries with your spouse regarding the role you want your in-laws to have in your life, being as specific as you feel is necessary. Write it all down on paper if that would work well for you during discussion and negotiations.
- Your parents and in-laws only know what you tell them. Set boundaries so you and your spouse know what specific information will or will not be shared with your family. If you go to your parents or family members every time you’re angry, frustrated, or having problems in your marriage, they hear that but they don’t hear when you’ve resolved the issues. If you’re having a problem in your marriage, you need to resolve it in the marriage, privately.
- Set time boundaries so that you both will know how much time will be spent at the in-laws’ house and how often they will be in your home. Sometimes husbands and wives argue because the in-laws are always at your house and you don’t seem to have a moment to yourselves. Or, the wife is almost always at her parents’ home and not taking care of responsibilities at home, or constant phone calls by the in-law to find out personal details that impose upon the time and privacy of your marriage.
- Set decision-making boundaries so that both husband and wife understand that they will make the decisions in their marriage without having to consult the in-laws first. Once a decision is made you should not allow your mind to be changed because one of the in-laws voices disapproval. You have a backbone, so use it.
- Set boundaries about the care and discipline of your children, so the standards and rules established in your home are not contradicted by your in-laws. If boundaries are not set, clearly communicated amongst the family, problems and conflicts will arise. Problems and conflicts also persist when the husband or wife fails to correct their unruly parent or family member when boundaries have been breeched.
- Once the boundaries are decided upon, you must now keep to them. If one of the marriage partners violates the agreement then the whole process breaks down and sends a double message to the in-laws. In addition, failing to keep an agreement with your spouse is a violation of your word and his or her trust. You must realize that if you violate your mate’s trust you have betrayed your vows to honor your spouse above all others.
- Talk to your parents (or the in-law that is driving you crazy) about the boundaries you’ve decided upon together. Make it perfectly clear that the boundaries set have been decided upon and mutually agreed to by both husband and wife. Believe it or not, some mother-in-laws may not even realize how their intrusion and criticisms hurt or belittle you, so you must learn how to be assertive, using assertive techniques to express how you feel when she says or does x,y,z.
- If holidays with in-laws are so difficult that it’s obvious your parents and in-laws don’t get along, it would be best for you and your husband to talk to your own sets of parents separately. Explain to them that while you understand that they’re not going to be the best of friends with the other couple, that it will make you and your husband happy if they can at least be civil.
- When it comes to social settings, it may be better to keep them apart than to deal with the stress of potential bickering. If it’s a small holiday dinner, consider celebrating on two separate nights. Bigger parties should have enough people that both sets of parents can avoid each other. But keep in mind that they are all adults, even if their behavior suggests otherwise. And if you’re given an ultimatum such as, “If they’re coming, we’re not”, simply reply, “We’ll miss you.”
- Never attempt to force your spouse to choose between his or her parents and your marriage. Understand that the other woman in every man’s life is his mother. If your husband starts in on you with something like, “Well, my mother does it this way…”, then tell him to go over and sleep with her.
- Pick your battles. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree in some situations, politely telling them that you appreciate their suggestions, but you and your spouse make the final decisions. Be considerate, controlling your emotions and temper as much as possible, being careful to think before you speak those venomous words swirling through your mind at the time.
Are you having difficulty getting along with your in-laws? Would you like to share your story or ask a question related to your specific situation? Or, if your relationship with the in-laws has been virtually flawless, to the point where you simply love and adore your in-laws, what further advice would you give couples dealing with in-law problems? Comments, questions and suggestions are welcome in the comment section below.
Related Posts:
Toxic Relationships: Toxic Family Members
How to Fight Fair in Marriage
How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law
Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage
How to Spice Up Your Marriage: Fun and Easy Ways to Add Romance to Your Relationship
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Understanding Assertiveness: Getting the Respect You Deserve
What Does it Mean to Leave and Cleave in Traditional Wedding Vows?
The photo at the top of this article hits home with me. That movie sums up my relationship with my in-laws to a t. When it comes to dealing with them, my strategy is simple. Don’t pick ANY battles. There is absolutely no way I can win and complaining will only make my wife feel as though she has to take sides as you so correctly pointed out. I think of dinner at my in-laws as I do a trip to the dentist. Close my eyes and go to a happy place until its all over.
Matt, I think just about every family has in-law problems to varying degrees. Every family has at least one person that just drives you absolutely crazy, and sometimes it gets to the point where you have to make the decision to put a lot of distance between that person/people and yourself in order to have a happy and lasting marriage.
I second matt’s post above. My mother-in-law, unfortunately is a narcissist. The only saving factor in this is that she treats everyone equally (but badly), so at least I don’t have doubts or guilt.
After a few years and near divorce, I learned that my marriage will not survive without really steep boundaries. We now have very little contact with MIL, and our marriage is so peaceful and happy.
Moral of the story for me: there are some people (and in-laws) who can’t really be handled. They just have to be kept at a distance.
I cant agree w u more! Ive tried but nothing good comes out of it!! So I stay away!! Im a very sensitve person. I feel like this is only way. Nothing I do is good enough and it sucks:(
Distancing yourselves from a problematic mother in-law is sometimes what is necessary to save the marriage.
Although my ex-mother in-law passed away shortly after my first marriage, we didn’t speak the same language (she only spoke Spanish) so that eliminated quite a bit of problems for us.
I forgot to mention that I have an article for mother-in-laws coming in two days, so stay tuned for that.
My mother in law to be on July 20, 2008 is a so close to my fiance. They talk on the phone 3-4 times a day, everyday. He is so close to her that he has advised me that it will not change when we get married because he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. Of course he goes over to the house and helps her everytime she calls. He is the middle child and has and brother 17 and and older brother 25. She stills calls my fiance everytime something happens. He says that his mom will always be there and not matter what anybody says he will not change that. I am not asking him to stop talking to his mom but maybe once a day instead of 3-4 times everyday. I also have an issue with the fact that she just says whatever she wants and he will defend her. The other day we were at the store and she came in and said “Didn’t I tell you not to put that on until your honeymoon.” Yes, she was talking to me. This was clothing that I paid for with my own money. I had to ask myself who is she talking to? I explained it to my fiance and he said that I was being SENSITIVE and that if he explained that to his mom that she would just say that I am too sensitive. That she doesn’t feel like she did anything wrong. My question is how do you deal with this situation? Would you still get married?
Oh my your situation mirrors mine almost completely. Middle child 2 brothers however they are older 33 -30- 28, and a mother in law that calls constantly oh no now she works with my husband at our shop. Everything is double sided. Argh. I married him, he stood up at first for me but now after only 3 years less and less, my advice snip, clip and run!
Hi Ana,
Sometimes that’s all a person can do. Count your blessings knowing you’ve learned of this before the wedding and move on with your life. I hadn’t heard of that expression, “snip, clip and run” but I suppose it’s pretty accurate in many in-law situations.
This is my 6yrs of marriage and the house I lives in belong to my husband and his mother. Before everything was going okay with my husband and I because we both was working. When I got pregnant with my first son everything was still okay. Now I have my second son and there alot of problems in the home. My mother in law then becomes monster in law she put her mouth in everything, if I’m talking with my husband she’s in the middle, with my kids especially the 4yr old she’s in the middle and when I tell my husband about it he does notting and I really sick of it now. I told my mother in law that I don’t want my son to each pop corn and also gum because I find that it is not safe for kids at that age. She had to say something smart and still give it to him. Then she told my husband and he agrees with her and saying that he don’t see anything wrong with chewing gum because it is fun and pop has a lot of fiber. I don’t know what to do again sometime I feel when I have to go out that I’m not safe living my children with her. The gum part a 4yr old ate so much gum and was swallowing it and she end up in the hospital they had to do surgery on her. I need help what can I do cause no matter what that is his blood and he will always choose her over me. Any Advice plz
Soniell, where families live together versus living in their own place separate and apart from inlaws, there is going to be conflict and problems. Your MIL may or may not have the best intentions as a grandmother etc, but there should always be respected boundaries even when families live apart from each other. She should definitely/absolutely respect you and your husband’s rules regarding your own children – how she raised her kids is her business, but how you choose to raise/feed/discipline etc your own children is you and your husband’s business and not hers. If your husband sides with her, says nothing, does nothing in defense of what you two have established in your marriage and parenting, then that alone should tell you everything you could possibly want/need to know about the situation you’re dealing with.
My mother hated my wife from day one . She stated several times in the presents of my wife that she wished I had married a girl like my brother did .I don’t know if she knew it or not ,but my brothers wife is a slut and whore and has cheated on him numerous times .She had a child( don’t know if it is my brothers child),but all my mother talks about is Mikey this,and Mikey that ,referring to her grandson . As her son,I have lost all respect for my mother ,because growing up my brother treated her like dirt and complained about everything she did for him .
Ayh, wow. If my mother-in-law-to-be said that to me, I’d be pretty upset too and I’d say something about it. No, I don’t believe you are being overly sensitive.
If your fiance’ doesn’t see anything wrong with how his mom speaks or behaves with you now, even before the wedding, I’d be very concerned about what things will be like after the wedding and in the future years.
You are not her daughter, and she has no right to say such a mean-spirited comment like that to you, nor does she have the right to tell you what, when, where, how or why to do anything in your life, with or without your husband.
If I were in your shoes right now, I’d be having a very serious (and respectful) conversation with my fiance’ about what you will and will not accept from him, his mother or anyone else in the family. You need to be sure you know what “non-negotiable boundaries” you have for yourself, and make them very clear to your husband-to-be before it’s too late. Be sure to read my article Non-Negotiable Boundaries to learn more about how to know what your own boundaries are, and what things you may want to add to your personal list. Then, stick by them.
Then, there needs to be specific and agreed upon boundaries set as far as how much influence or time your mother-in-law will have in your marriage and life as a couple, including phone calls, visits etc.
Believe me, you want to be sure you know all there is to know about this and how your fiance’ really feels about these things before your wedding arrives. Putting it off until after the wedding may find you in a situation you didn’t imagine or want for your life, and you need to know NOW what life is likely to be like if you marry your fiance’ and what things will be like dealing with your mother-in-law.
I wouldn’t wish these kind of mother-in-law problems on anyone, and I wish you much luck in whatever you decide.
I have been having trouble finding an article about what to do when the in-laws themselves do not get along. My fiance gets along great with my mom and I get along great with his parents, but there is a problem when we all want to get together for some holiday. My mom is very judgmental and can say offensive things without thinking about them beforehand; therefore I know the problem mainly stems from her side. I have tried telling her to be nice and try not to say the first thing that comes to mind because it hurts peoples’ feelings, but she still has a little trouble doing those simple things. My fiance’s mother is very nice and very hard working, she works so hard that she barely ever has time to take care of herself. I can go on and on, but to make this short, ever since the last time that we tried to get everyone together and my mom told my fiance’s mom to get her teeth fixed (since she is missing half of her bottom teeth), neither one of them want to be near each other and I am also afraid that getting them together will only make things worse. Also, my fiance’s brother tends to be vulgar at times which may cause problems with my mom. For now, I believe that it is probably best to keep them apart unless we have no choice but to invite them all to an event, such as graduation and wedding, but I would still like for them to get along and look past each others’ flaws.
Hi Jules, I understand all too well what you’re experiencing here. Been there myself, and we’ve found it is best to keep them separate as well.
As much as we’d like in-laws to get along with each other and treat each other with respect, sometimes it just doesn’t happen how we’d like.
What we’ve been doing, and it works well for us, is to have separate gatherings, perhaps a day or so apart, or even on different weekends.
Unfortunately, we can’t control how other people behave, but we can decide for ourselves not to participate in the craziness. I agree that the best option would be to keep things separate for any holidays, etc. Graduation ceremonies may be a little more difficult, but doable if you can arrange to have separate seating areas that would help keep certain people far away from each other as much as possible.
I’ve heard from some people who have decided not to invite the person who creates most of the problems as a way to reduce the stress, and if that’s what you need to do, than it’s up to you. Distance from problematic people is sometimes all that anyone can do. Good luck.
I have been married eight years to a wonderful man. We are great together and have two little girls, one is five and the other is almost two. My in-laws are very kind and sensitive people who will do anything under the sun for my kids and my husband…..(me?????). There are times when I do love them very much, but yes there is a but…in a very subtle way they are manipulators. The mother more so. There have been numerous incidents when I had to put my foot down, and one which was four years ago was not pretty. Basically they all have to do with the rearing of the children. My m-i-l acts as if they were hers. She literally takes over when she is here in my home and it annoys me to high heaven. Just two weeks ago I had to reprimand my five year old and my f-i-l flipped out. He was yelling at me and saying that I had no right to make her cry, he was going on and on. The m-i-l was doing the same. I ignored them as long as I could then I just firmly said…”I am the mother”, well they really lost it when I said that. They were ranting on and on. They left my home, and two weeks into it have not called my girls or I. My husband now tells me that he spoke to them today and invited them over (we both want to have a talk with them) but they refuse to come to our home. I am in a quandry. I do not want to harbor resentment against them, and I do not want to make my husband miserable as he is very very close to them. I need some good advice.
Hi Elizabeth, it is very good that you spoke up with your in-laws in how they try to parent your children for you, and even telling you how to be parent. Wow! That would make me mad too!
Neither of them have the right to behave the way they did, and I really hope that your husband is backing you up on this and will speak up to his parents and tell them that it is unacceptable behavior for either of them to be yelling at you or telling you how to care for your own child.
Your husband has reached out to his parents and invited them over, but they won’t come. Perhaps your husband could suggest that the two of you (without children along) go over to their place to have a talk, or meet up for dinner at a restaurant. Maybe they need a little time to calm down, but two weeks later is rather ridiculous.
And hopefully your husband (since it’s his parents) is backing you up on this and will speak up and express the boundaries that the two of you decide on as a couple, in order to present a united front. Don’t allow in-laws to treat you like their personal doormat.
One of the things I have found to be remarkable is that the tension between the wife and the mother in law (grooms mother) can truly be the “elephant in the roomâ€. As a man, and someone who has talked to a lot of his male friends I have been amazed by the natural contention that occurs between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. It almost has become a joke between my friends. One thing we have commented about more than once is the fact that the conflict always seems to be between the bride and the groom’s mother. Never the groom and the mother-in-law. The crazy thing is that if you watch sitcoms they always portray the issue as between the groom and mother-in-law, where in reality it is very seldom the problem.
I really think more marriage counselors need to talk about the dynamics of the relationship change and tensions that will occur between the wife and the mother in law.
ML, problems between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are definitely more common than the conflicts with the son-in-law. It is a real shame that more men/husbands are not speaking up to their mother/parents on behalf of their wives, making very clear that “this is my wife and she will be treated with respect and dignity”, and be prepared to defend their wives when being attacked or ridiculed by family members.
I have a dilema.
I dont’ really have a specific problem with my bf’s parents. And they have never mentioned their dislike or disapproval towards me to him until he spoke to them about his problems with our relationship. Then his parents told him the things they didn’t like about me, which sparked his decision to break up with me. While I knwo he still loves me, his parents not being happy with me is a real big deal to him. I feel betrayed in a way because he was never on my side, and never defended me while his parents said all these things to him. Althought I dont know exactly what they said to him, I know that he would not defend me. I just feel like if this relationship is able to be salvaged, I will always be second to his parents. And that I would always be left alone in situations. But I really want us to work out, how should i approach his parents and also make him realize that he has to be on my side?
Air, as hard as this is for you, it may be out of your control. You certainly can decide to approach his parents (respectfully of course) and ask them to tell you what problems they have with your relationship with their son.
However, they’re not under any obligation to tell you anything, or even agree to discuss it. Whatever the problems are/were in your relationship, they’re enough to cause you BF to decide to break things off.
His not defending you in situations with family or others is a very big deal. Whatever his personal reasons are for not speaking up on your behalf, you can’t force what isn’t there.
Before deciding if you will or won’t talk to his parents, I recommend spending some time really evaluating the good, bad and the ugly aspects of the relationship. The chances that his parents will somehow change their minds, or change their opinion of you after speaking with them is slim-to-none, leaning more towards none.
Carefully consider your personal list of “relationship deal breakers”, and being very honest with yourself, ask yourself: Do I really want to be in a relationship/marriage where my BF/husband’s family doesn’t like me and….where I am completely on my own in conflict situations because my BF/husband won’t defend me?
Is that the kind of relationship/marriage and treatment that you really want to put yourself through, or cut your losses now and move on knowing you aren’t putting up with less than you deserve. Like, being treated with respect and dignity. Personally, I think you’d be wasting your time trying to talk to his family, but the choice is always yours. Good luck!
I know that their major problem is that we don’t have much communication going out between us. Because I’m typically a very quiet person and don’t have much to say. I actually think that problems between his parents and me can be solved and improved on. My biggest issue is the bf.
Wow Air. I really feel for you. It sounds like a really tough situation to be in.
Lin said:
His not defending you in situations with family or others is a very big deal.
While I understand and agree with Lin in part, I think that the fierce loyalty between couples should be reserved for the man or woman you marry. Sometimes we really need to listen to the wise advice our parent give.
It might we wise to talk to your BF and explain to him that you would like to know what his parents said because if you have character flaws you are not aware of, then the only way you will know is if someone tells you.
Then if he does tell you, once he is done, be very gracious and say, “While you might be right, this is a lot for me to take right now. I really need time to think about everything you just told me.†Again be very gracious. Then really evaluate what he has said, and see if there is any truth in it.
If you think he is wrong, then he is probably using his parent as an out because he is not man enough to break up for another reason.
This is my second marriage. I do not get along w my in-laws. They don’t like me and visa versa. The thought of having to spend time w them makes my stomach in knots. My sister-in-law asked her brother to go away this weekend. Me included, the only problem is that I haven’t spoke to my sister-in-law in one year. the last time we did speak it was a screamin fest. How do I tell my husband that I don’t want to go this weekend without having a fight? When it comes to his family he gets very defensive. We have seperated several times over his family. I love him but I can’t see this working when he doesn’t want to be with my family and he expects me to be with his. A whole weekend w her, her boyfriend and her daughter who is a spoiled little brat that when she is around my husband doesn’ know I exsist. He goes overboard with the i love you’s and your my angel hi honey the whole gamit. I love my grandkids and I don’t act like that. It makes my stomach turn. Helpless in Coram
Unhappy, spending time with in-laws that you don’t get along with can be very difficult for sure. The fact that you and your husband have separated over in-law problems definitely shows there’s a real problem, perhaps communication is a big problem for the both of you.
It’s really important for married couples to learn to pick their battles, and not turn every situation into a deal breaker. Your husband is going to feel loyalty for his family to some degree, just like you would feel loyalty for your own family. A big problem for both husband and wives is when it comes to “leaving and cleaving”, and having those apron strings tied real tight to parents and family on either side.
You and your husband need to talk with each other about the family problems as you see them, and as he sees them. You both need to come to an agreement on what the REAL problems are with any in-laws and agree on solutions you both can be happy and excited about. It doesn’t have to be just your way or his way, but rather “our way”.
Discussing these problems together as a married couple, without sounding accusatory or pointing fingers at his family or his pointing fingers at your family, and carefully considering each others views and feelings, can help resolve the problems by working together rather than as opponents.
There’s certainly nothing wrong with telling your husband you don’t want to go this weekend, and you can even give him solid information as to why (not accusations though), but the more you avoid contact and family time with his side of the family will only work to divide your marriage even more.
It seems to me that the two of you might benefit from marriage counseling, where the both of you can discuss the problems openly with a third party, and who can give you both suggestions and advice on finding solutions you both can be satisfied with.
Wow! unhappy in coram that sounds like a real messy situation. It sounds like there are many attachments and competing loyalties involved in this situation.
It is always hard to be the bigger person, but you might just have to be that person during the weekend visit. If it is only once a year it might be worth the effort of being the peace maker. It won’t be easy, but it could just pay dividends.
I would make sure to have concrete exit strategy if you feel you are about to loose it. Maybe bring some walking shoes or plan on something you can go cook for the group. When the weekend is over and you are ready to tear into you husband just choose to let it go. It has taken me years, and I still have not perfected it. It might be worth seeing a counselor together to talk about the issues. Just let him know you love him and that you are willing to make the effort. It really could go a long way. Again, you might want to give a counselor a try because it does sound like you guys are dealing with some tough issues.
Good Luck!
Hi David, I’m glad to see we agree on the benefits of seeking marriage counseling, especially since the statistics of divorce for second and/or third marriages is very high. It’s much better to work very hard together as a couple to find solutions to problems, as dealing with in-laws is one very big problem for many married couples, and seeing a counselor could certainly bring great benefits.
I have always wanted to be a good mother in law to my son in law and daughter in law. I always tried hard to get to know my mother in law and to be liked by her, but it never happened. I wanted it so badly and always wondered what I did to make her dislike me that much. So I vowed that if I could make it different when my children got married it would not be the same for their spouse.
I knew that their would be times that I would not agree with the way that they did things. So I decided that the best way to help them along their path in marrage is not to preach at them but to be a friend and make it not just my life through example, but to teach them to have fun and know that it is alright to have days that they do not agree with me, as I told each of them that I could promise them that one day I would probably not agree with them. The best part of life is that no one said my way was the only way. Love, Learn, Laugh, and most of all admit we are all human and have differences. Be a friend not just to their face but a friend behind their back too. It will make life a whole lot easier. Have fun as you grow into becoming a mother in law or father in law, be sure to warn the youth that we have our lisense to not be liked by them, because we are elderly. So when they think we are all those bad names, tell them not to feel that way, it happens with our minds as we become aged, we forget were our nose belongs. Except the fact they might not do everything the way we did it and just remember humor helps to get through the rough areas. Trust me, if you try it in years, you will agree with me. Best wishes for all those youth and all those cranky prefect elderly parents like me that love to offer our help a little to much. Smile, and talk to yourself as you leave your childs home, Talking to yourself has to do with becoming elderly too. Great excuse…But will help both sides grow closer together.
MsB, some parents haven’t learned to let go of their children once they’ve grown and moved on with their lives, gotten married and begun having families of their own. If more parents would take your approach and not become too involved or begin meddling in their children’s lives and marriages, everyone would be a lot happier and people wouldn’t have to try and figure out “how to get along with the in-laws” as much as they do. Good for you!
My in laws try to spark insecurity in me. They think that I am looking for relationship/marriage guidance. I do not solicit them for advice, nor do I give them details about our relationship. They take simple comments from him or I and speculate. Then then ask very personal questions like, “Well are you two sure you’re ready for marriage?” They hear one thing from my husband to be, then tell me something else. It’s like they are trying to create conflict between us. The latest is, “Well he told me that marriage is all your idea.” Of course I tell them the truth, it’s actually the other way around, and they reply, “Well that’s not what I heard!”
They’ve sparked fights between us several times over the past 5 years, and I know they love it. I just can’t get over the nerve of these people.
My husband to be is from a different culture, but it is not extremely different in regards to custom, rather it is different in terms of class and respect. They openly show me signs of disrespect, some do not even acknowledge me when I speak to them. The “problem in laws” are all female. Most are single parents and insecure. I know it’s a waste of time to wonder why they dislike me, and I don’t care. My family is quite opposite from his, we are very reserved. My family would never openly ask us personal questions about our relationship, much less ask him separately.
I’ve told my husband to be that he must be very clear about our relationship with them, even vague is necessary.
He does agree with me that they “toxic” but continues to feed them personal information, after which they speculate and gossip.
My family wants me to have a wedding, but I can’t stand the thought of inviting the “toxic in laws” or even his mother, who asked me why she wasn’t included in making our decision to get married. At this point I having doubts about even getting married; I can’t stand the thought of these people thinking I’m forcing the marriage.
Hi Susan, it sure does appear from your message that his side of the family isn’t liking the idea of you two getting married. It’s always a bad idea to discuss personal relationship stuff with in-laws; they will always…take sides with their closest relative in some sense of “loyalty”.
You are wise to consider carefully what marriage would be like if you choose to get married into this family.
Past and present behavior is always an indicator of future behavior, and if this is the way things have been going, it comes down to deciding whether or not you are willing to spend the rest of your life dealing with this sort of thing in your life and marriage.
I’m glad that your fiance’ agrees that their is definite toxicity in the relationship, but it is disturbing that he continues to feed them information about your relationship that only makes matters worse. It isn’t likely to stop though.
Only you can decide when enough is enough and if you are willing to tolerate the meddling and gossip etc in your life, for the rest of your life.
You are fortunate that you recognize these things prior to getting married; others haven’t been so fortunate, as you can probably see from the number of comments and questions on this article and the one about toxic family members. Good luck in whatever you decide.
I have really messed up. I married my husband 9 years ago and over half that time we have spent living with his parents. They cater to all his whims, and pay for all his expensive hobbies (first hunting, then guitar, hot rods, golf, motorcycles…). He thinks guys who give their wives a paycheck to pay bills are chumps, so he never has given me money to manage the finances, but at the same time, won’t pay the bills either. If it’s in his name, his parents will eventually pay it for him. If it’s in my name, the bill collectors call and call and call. He says he loves me and wants us to have our own place but his actions don’t mirror those sentiments. He blows every dime he gets his greedy hands on. We have one son, 8 years old. There are days when my husband comes home from work and doesn’t acknowledge our son at all. Like he’s just a housemate at some hippie commune. It’s like he doesn’t remember that he is someone’s father because he’s too busy enjoying being his mother’s son. I am working right now but i don’t make enough money to support my son and i. We don’t have any family where we live. I love the town we live in but I can’t afford to live there on my own even with a full time job and child support. I could move in with my dad (6 hrs away)but he views house work as woman’s work and every time i’ve lived with him i’ve felt like a servant. They don’t treat me like that here but since I’ve started working the house work situation is desperate. My husband only washes his own clothes, not mine or our sons and if he does wash our jeans with his greasy work clothes he acts like he deserves an award. In-laws hate me. mil is always baiting the conversation to bring up topics she can give advice about. this woman is overweight, unemployed (and has been for most of her marriage), and her two grown sons, ages 32 and 31, still live with her yet she gives me advice on weight loss, careers and get rich quick schemes, and parenting. i have made such a mess of my life. i have no control over what happens in the home i live in and very little over how my son is raised. please give me advice!
Wow Jane! Your in-laws are what I describe as “enablers”, and it’s such a shame that some parents haven’t figured out how enabling grown adult children really is hurting them in so many ways.
My opinion is that as long as you are living with his parents and under their thumb, your marriage will suffer, likely to the point of divorce. Just the fact that you’re saying you can’t afford to provide for just yourself and your son suggests to me that you’ve at least considered divorce as an option.
You must, somehow, find a way of moving out of their home A.S.A.P and begin living on your own, but not with anyone else either, whether that includes your husband or not is up to you.
Even if it means starting out in a low-rent neighborhood, or even if it means getting federal housing help due to your income, you must live on your own rather than with your in-laws or with anyone else.
Whatever bills are in your name, pay them with your income and on time, even if it means you need to actually hide money from your husband so he doesn’t get to use/waste the money. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of what can/will happen to your credit by not doing so.
Starting out on your own, even if it’s in a “sub standard” neighborhood until you get something better/nicer will bring you so much peace and tranquility, you’ll wonder why you didn’t decide to do it beforehand.
Remember: Children learn what they live. Staying in the in-law’s home, with all the constant drama, interference and meddling (and enabling for goodness sake) will teach your young son to be lazy, disrespectful, etc despite your efforts to teach him otherwise.
Make a plan to move out and do so as soon as you possibly can. You and your son will be the better for it, and your husband will very likely show you his “true colors” about any desire to continue with the marriage or not. I do not recommend discussing your plan with your in-laws or with anyone else, as it will likely be used against you in various ways. Please let me know how it all works out.
Thank you so much for your advice. Yesterday I made the decision to leave my husband and to tell the truth, he seemed relieved. Sad too, but I think we both knew where it was headed. Today I am leaving to find work and a place to live closer to my family. My husband says he will not contest custody in the divorce, that our son will live with me and visit him on weekends/summer vacation etc. He has also said he won’t try to keep him from me and I can try to find a job and house first. He says that way it will be less stressful for our son and we don’t have to tell him right away. I think it would be less stressful but my husband told his parents about what is going on, of course, and I’m afraid they will wait until I’m gone and tell my son I’ve left without him because I didn’t want him. I would love to say they are above that but I can’t. I believe my husband means what he says but he is easily swayed by others’ opinions and you know how people are when they know you’re getting a divorce. Should I trust them and let my son stay until I get situated? I’m hoping it doesn’t take more than 3 weeks.
Hi Jane,
I’m really not surprised at all how things turned out. It seemed like the divorce was long in coming, and now it’s arrived.
Under NO circumstances would I recommend leaving your son with him and his family. Absolutely take your son with you when you leave. There are important things to consider about telling your child about the divorce, so I’d like you read my article telling children about your divorce in order to understand the Do’s and Dont’s about discussing the divorce and when with your child.
Considering how your in-laws feel about you, and your husband’s unwillingness/inability to confront situations, I would absolutely NOT recommend that you leave your son there for even a MINUTE when you leave. Take him with you, no matter what it takes to do so. You don’t want to inflict any more emotional stress on your child by anything that might be said by the in-laws, and there’s no way of knowing what might be said when your husband is not around. Protect your child’s emotional and mental health by taking him with you. No matter what it takes.
I agree and I have Something to vent on .My husband has three sisters and a mother who all lives in the same house.They invite his kids mothers over for all type of gatherings and bring them up in conversations that we have and when I try to voice my opinion they get mad and say all type of bad things to me like i hope he leaves you and I had one come to my job and try to fight me. When we disagree about anything or have a heated discussion they always have something to say Ive had it with them I love my husband but its like whenever we get into it he goes over there house like I have done something wrong what advice do you have for me
Mrs. Doss, Wow what a mess you’re going through. I just found your email (somehow it ended up in my spam folder) and if I remember right it said you just got married in March of this year? Yikes! After discussing in-law problems to such a large extent on this site, I’m really not sure what to tell you other than for you to have a calm and respectful conversation with your husband about these issues to find out for sure where he stands. If he is unwilling and uninterested in resolving the issues with his family’s attitude and behavior towards you, you have to decide for yourself what your “relationship deal breakers” are. When is enough enough for you? Do you get a divorce? Separate for awhile hoping things get better? That is something you have to decide for yourself.
jane its funny that you said sit down and have a calm discussion with my husband we did last night and he said he never meant to make me feel the way i do he just try to keep the peace without bringing me back the rifraf thanks
Mrs. Doss,
Sometimes husband’s feel like they’re caught in the middle and they don’t know when to step in and say something to stop the drama. Usually the sort of things I hear about are when husband’s do absolutely nothing…ever. They sit back and say nothing while their wife is being attacked by his own family and he says and does nothing. That’s just wrong. Guys that are…how do I put this…very passive in their personalities (“don’t want to make waves”) are often the kind of men who have wives that going through this sort of thing with in-laws. Husbands have to understand that then they those to get married to their wife, the principle of “leaving and cleaving” unto their wife includes speaking up on behalf of their wives with their family members. It’s just one part of the responsible and role of husbands. The same is the case with wives and their families too.
This will be the last chance I get to go online until I find a new place and get everything going. I just wanted to say thank you so much for taking the time to “tell it like it is.” I really needed a second opinion and my instincts agree with everything you’ve said. My son and I are leaving tonight and even though it is a really difficult situation, the tension in my stomach is gone. I know 100% that this is the right decision. Thanks again, you really made a difference.
Take care Jane, and I’ll be thinking of you while you and your son go through this transition in your lives.
My bf’s father was living in an RV in our backyard for 1 1/2 before moving out (he left the RV there). But as he was leaving her blamed me up in down for kicking him out. We got into a huge agruement while my boyfriend was in Japana serving in the army. As soon as he came back, his dad told him that he wasn’t going to come to the wedding if we ever got married, along with other name calling. I admit, I didn’t want him there to begin with. But I never came out and said that he needs to go. We finally got the RV out of our backyard 6 months later. The whole time he was there, we could not seem to rebuild our lives. We were devestated by katrina with 14 feet of water. He supposedly moved in to help rebuild, but he didn’t even pick up a hammer. I had discussion with my bf to see when his dad thinks he can move but i never told him to leave. Well my bf went back and told his dad everything i was saying. That’s when it all started. We still do not talk to this day. His dad didn’t even show up for Christmas which was at our house.
Shannon, first let me say that I’m so sorry that you and so many others have had to deal with the devastation Katrina brought to all of you on the Texas/Louisiana coastline. I can definitely see how you would feel used by the brother. Not even picking up a hammer and helping with making repairs etc is just awful. It’s ridiculous how some family members can behave when things don’t go their way! You and your boyfriend have every right to make a decision about how long the brother can continue living on your property, so don’t make any apologies for that. You allowed him to stay for awhile and then it was decided that he needed to go his own way. Nuf said. How “dad” reacted to it, not showing up for xmas etc is simply ridiculous. Hopefully your relationship with your boyfriend is going strong and you’re able to pick up the pieces of your lives there and move on. Sometimes it’s just best to “cut your losses” even with family members who try to dictate your lives to you, when you’re obviously old enough to make decisions on your own. Good luck Shannon!
I have had to deal with an interfering MIL since I was 15 years old. That is when my husband and I started dating. In the beginning I cherished the ground my MIL walked on. I loved her so much. She said that I was like a daughter to her… Well the problem is that she was friends with my husband’s ex-girlfriend. When I say friends, she would invite her to family dinner, while I was there. She would invite her to my husband’s baseball games. She would invite her to my husband’s little sister’s birthday parties. She would come over ALL THE TIME. When I got pregnant with my first daughter, she encouraged me to invite her to my baby shower, being young and dumb, of course I did. I was only 18 at the time and was just trying to please my MIL. Well on top of all that she also encouraged my husband to remain friends with her. That was a BIG issue for us because the ex was still in love with him. She never wanted to break up in the first place. She would send my husband cards, and pictures, and she even got him a motorcycle in her name, and paid for it sometimes. Eventually I left my husband because I couldn’t deal with competing for my own HUSBAND. Well we were apart for about 8 months, and got back together. I asked him, upon getting back together, why was this girl always there and he told me it was because he was listening to his mom. His mom was basically supporting their friendship even though it was tearing our family apart. I have been married for 4 years, have been with him for 8, and we have 2 daughters. His mom was trying to tear our family apart. To this day I don’t know what him mom has against me. I wasn’t a bad child when we met. I was actually on my way to any college that I wanted to attend because I had a 3.9 GPA. That was placed on hold because of my daughter. I take great care of my kids and her son, who doesn’t work by the way. I have never done anything flat out wrong to deserve the treatment she has given me. She doesn’t think she did anything immoral by having this other woman in our lives. And right now she still remains friends with this woman. My husband doesn’t talk to her any longer, but his mom does. Now we’re having issues, my husband and I, because his mom is trying to control what goes on in OUR house. He won’t really say anything to her. He tells me that I should go talk to her. I don’t think that is my job. I feel like he should be the one to smooth things over because it is his mother who is interfering in our marriage. I am at a loss right now. Please advise.
Wow Kiana, this is really a crazy situation you’re having to deal with. I’d be pretty upset about it too if I was in this situation.
There is definitely a big problem here, and your MIL isn’t doing much to prove her words are true at all. While there isn’t a law against your MIL remaining friends with your husband’s ex, her insistence to include this lady in everything that goes on in the family is overstepping her boundaries for sure.
I’d be livid. While I would definitely be upset with the MIL if it were me, but I’d be downright LIVID toward the hubby for being such a momma’s boy and not speaking up on your behalf, and telling his mother (respectfully) to butt out. From the outside looking in on this situation, it feels to me as though your MIL is secretly hoping your husband and this chick will get back together. Maybe that’s not correct (and you can bet the MIL wouldn’t admit it if confronted directly), but it sure LOOKS like that from the outside.
If it were me in this situation, I’d be putting my foot down real hard with the hubby. I’d be telling him that under no circumstances will I tolerate the meddling of the MIL and I certainly will not tolerate/allow the other lady to be involved or in attendance of any family functions from this day forward. Then I’d say, if this woman is invited/plans to attend a family function or gathering where you and hubby are invited to be, I’d cancel those plans immediately and refuse to attend no matter what. The hubby would know without an ounce of doubt that there will be no game playing allowed from the MIL, no further “momma’s boy b.s.” and that he either stands up and behaves like a grown man/husband, and makes clear he is married to you and only wants to be with you etc…or he can hit the road and don’t let the door hit ya in the arse……on your way out the door jack.
Kiana, I have my own personal “deal breakers”, and you need to develop your own and make those perfectly clear to your hubby. He is obviously very…………..passive, especially in regards to his mother. Argh! Guys that won’t speak up to their own mothers meddling makes me nuts!, and I can only imagine how it makes you feel.
Sometimes when I hear stories like yours, I want to go up to the guy and ask him Where are your man pants?!
Basically Kiana, you have to either make perfectly clear to the hubby how this whole situation is affecting you and what exactly you need him to do about it, and then see what (if anything) he actually DOES about it, and go from there. If he does nothing, or says x,y,z and doesn’t follow through when needed, then you will know without a doubt that you’re married to a momma’s boy who is not likely to change. Then you have a really important decision to make: Is it a relationship deal breaker for you? Only you can decide that. But I wish you well in trying to work this out, or not.
I have been married for 24 years, and Im now begining to believe that maybe my hubby is right, that it me and not them in the wrong…
My in-laws that if now refer to as the Governing Body.
Hi Sunflower,
If that is the case, that you are creating problems within the family, I hope these In-law articles are a help to you in figuring out how to fix the problems so all of you can have a great family relationship.
HI. I am having problems with my husband. The problem started when my mother in law heard a gossip from my maid that I am having an afair.. which of course is not true.
But my mother in law believing the gossip, called my husband who has been working in another country for quite some time, and told all about the gossip.
Naturally my husband reacted and called me and started bickering on me.
My mother in law never called me first or talked about it with me.
Now my husband after 3 years that happened, is still telling me that his mother’s reaction is natural and that his reaction is natural.
What I am sad and mournful about was that he never did have second thoughts that the rumor wasn’t true. Because he immediately yanked on me and severely hurled emotional hurtful words.
I am most sad because I am working that time too, leaving my children with the maids and seeing them only in the evenings after work. I have been work and home only with no real social life. But here comes my mother in law hurriedly talking to my husband because of the rumor.
The rumored guy I am seeing was my subordinate who happened to ask only what are the other tasks he need to do since he is at night shift.
That’s it and up to now, what I only ask is a sincere apology from my husband that he misjudged me. I never thought he would think of me that way and would react that way.
Until now, though it has been 3years, still he is very stern that his mother’s reaction is not faulty because she reacted naturally. But he never gave me a sincere apology because he told me outright I am the type that can be doubted.
What will I do? I love my husband but he seems he cannot go over defending his mother at the expense of the truth and what I feel.
Hi Menyi,
This sort of situation is just one reason why long distance relationships or marriages can often create problems for couples.
If it’s been three years since this situation happened and there hasn’t been an apology from your husband or mother in law, it’s safe to say that there won’t be an apology coming. You may have to just let that one go and move on from there.
It would have been best if your mother in law had come to you and discussed the rumor she heard from the maid as soon as she heard it, so that you could dispel any concerns or fears that the rumor might be believed.
It doesn’t surprise me that your MIL would only discuss this scenario with her son, because like it or not… she’s going to feel loyalty to her son over and above any feelings or loyalty towards you.
Your feelings of hurt and sadness are understandable, and I hope you, your husband and MIL can move on from this and not let it cause a strain in your relationship with either of them.
With your husband living so far away, hearing gossip and rumors about what his wife may or may not be doing in his absence has to be very difficult for him. The fact that he told you that you are “the type that can be doubted” tells me there is some work to be done in the relationship/marriage. The distance has a lot to do with it, because if both of you were living in the same place, rumors and gossip such as this wouldn’t be such a problem for you. I do hope you and your husband can work this out and have a great marriage, but at this point it seems as though you’re “beating a dead horse”, and I really don’t see an apology coming from either your husband or mother in law. Good luck!
My husband and I got married in June 2007. Most couples have a whole year without the in-laws at there place. Well, not my case, I believe his father has to work, due to the economy. They live 3 hours away and he comes down to stay with us approximately every 6 weeks for a week straight sometimes more give or take the most (three weeks) to work. Sometimes the MIL as well. My husband and I first fought over it because he wanted the house in tip top shape. Mind you I worked 50 plus hours a week most of the time. He worked about the same. I cooked and cleaned on top of that. Very tiresome to entertain….When the in laws came into town, they didn’t have to pay for anything. I did ask for space but it only lasted a short time.
Now, in Nov my FIL came down for a week, I am 4 and 1/2 months pregnant. I had a bad first trimester. 2 trimester is going better. But, I had to clean the house by myself before my husband and his dad came back from up north. I work midnights, after work I had to go to court on cases I was in charge of. So, my hours were from 9pm to roughly 11am, M,W,T,F. it was rough and major broken up sleep.I had all the dinners planned out that I wanted to cook that week and My husband tried the best to help with cooking but needs some training. What set me over the edge was on Thursday, I told him I was tired and could not cook dinner that night. He stated “you promised to cook beef stew.” He was more concerned about his dad and himself getting that damn beef stew then his pregnant wife. So, since then we have been arguing over his parents being over way too much. I can’t tolerate it anymore. on top of that the in laws been having an issue with me since God knows how long. Which has only came up since my volcano has errupted. What should I do, I feel my marriage is coming to an end with a baby on the way…
Jessica,
You’re pregnant, working crazy hours and being treated like a slave in your own home, from what I’m understanding here. Being married for such a short time AND having to deal with the constant invasion from in-laws in your home on a regular basis would most definitely create a lot of problems in marriages. I would think that your in-laws would understand that couples need their space and that they should get themselves a room in a hotel or motel when they’re in town, as a courtesy to you and your husband.
You’ve got to decide what you are willing and able to do, and what you’re not willing or able to do. You are pregnant and you have to take care of yourself and the baby you are carrying. You have to get your rest and being under so much stress and feeling like you have to cater to your in-laws about meals etc is too much.
You and your husband need to discuss calmly and rationally what you’ve told me, and come to an understanding of the boundaries needed. Perhaps discussing this with your doctor and getting some recommendations from him/her about what he/she needs you to do for your health and well-being and that of the baby may help persuade your husband to do what is right and best for his wife and child.
Stick to the subject though. When you’re arguing or fighting and the subject keeps changing from one thing to another, it ends up being the arguing is really over very different problems than when the fight started. I would highly recommend talking to your doctor who is caring for your pregnancy. The stress you are under and the amount of hours you’re working etc can’t be good for your health, plus the stress you’ve been under over the in-law problems. You have to take care of yourself and the baby, and your husband needs to “man up” and understand when enough is enough. You’re his wife, not his slave, chief cook and bottle washer.
Hello all…please help shed some light. I was dating my husband for little over a year and we got pregnant (on accident) we got married a week before the baby was born….we would have gotten married regardless of baby or not. we eloped due tot he fact that we are both in our ealry 30′s and didnt want to spend the cash for a wedding instead we bought a house. When we found out I was pregnant his brother who is 16 months older than my husband and has been is competition with his entire life announced that he and his wife were having a baby. We delayed our new until i hit the 4 month mark (they live in another state)Low and behold our due dates were only 2 days apart. The kids were born (both girls) 19 hours apart. The SIL starting acting weird saying she didnt want them compared b/c she has a cousin who is the same age as her and their grandma compared them…Needless to say it makes thing awkard for eveyone…and my MIL & FIL come to visit us twice a year each time staying a week or more and they take over the house….It drives me insane. I am a clean freak and they make a complete mess….I want to tell them that they need to come more often but for shorter time frames. I am pregnant again and they are upset b/c we are not going on the annual camping trip (my husband hasnt gone in 15 years) when we told them I was pregnant their first response was “that messes up the camping trip” no congratulations or anything and the SIL asked if it was an accident or planned and when we said it was planned. she was a bitch and the BIL wont even talk to me..I was heartbroken…My husband was pissed but he never says anything he just lets it go….It makes me not to want to have anything to do with them EVER again…Side note….My FIL is a functional alcholic and refuses to go to treatment except for AA he does good for awhile then falls off the wagon…I dont even want him around without supervision from either my husband or I…he cant be trusted and the MIL covers up for him………truly desperate for advice…
Sarah,
From what you’re saying, it appears that there are some jealousy issues going on with the SIL. If your hubby and his brother have been in competition all their lives, feeling like they have to “one up” the other all the time, it sounds as though maybe the SIL has fed into the pettiness between the brothers.
Since your husband hasn’t gone on the camping trip for 15 years already, I don’t see why there is such a big problem with you not going. Ever. Family vacations are nice when everyone is being nice towards each other, but it sure doesn’t sound like niceness is part of the equation. There is no law that states that you have to go where you don’t want to go or do things with people you don’t want to be with just because you’re married.
As far as your FIL and MIL, you and your husband need to have a long talk about where to draw the line in how often your in-laws can come for a visit and for how long etc. You need to explain to your hubby exactly how you feel when they are in your home, taking over and making a mess etc as you’ve said. Then your hubby needs to share his feelings with you on the subject, then come to a reasonable compromise that both of you can accept.
Then it’s up to your husband to present the bottom line to his parents. He might want to consider suggesting his folks stay in an inexpensive hotel from now on….
If you do the talking with the parents, they will be angry and resentful that they didn’t hear it from their son. You both need to set some boundaries regarding the in-laws and both of you be willing to stick to the decisions you’ve made together, but the hubby needs to do the talking. Good luck and congrats on the baby!
Hey people!
I am surprised that there are lesser issues on sister-in-law ( husband’s sister ). Well , I have a unique problem! My in-laws are fine, polite, non-interfering and stay in a different country. My husband is the elder son and he has a younger brother who is getting married recently, an older married sister with 2 daughters and she is housewife. Now the problem: Right from the day 1 of our engagement, my SIL was extremely insecure and jealous with me, she drove me really crazy with too much shitty talks.She has issues with me doing PhD and she being not studied much because she never has any interest in it. We used to fight a lot initially but over a period of 6 yrs, its lessened. My FIL dotes on my SIL, Out of my SIL’s jealousy or insecurity or whatever, the relatives are informed that we do not call them very often, which i s not true, when we tried to argue with FIL, he completely refused anything like this happened, but it actually did. On every function at thier home, they would not bother sharing with us the joys and how the function went etc when we call them. they just IGNORE us and when we go out for some vacation or anything, they keep calling us where we are , etc, to become part of our happiness , that drives me crazy.. it is so creepy and cheap of them not to involve us in their happiness times and throwing themselves on us when we are enjoying…. My FIL also has a little greed problem , my husband sends them money every month which is okay for me because it is not a big amount. My FIL keeps asking about my salary /job etc and interferes in our matters. My SIL has off late stopped calling us altogether, she is just maintaining a very distant ” hello / hi” relation with us, sometimes I feel since we HAVE to share most of our things woth our MIL and FIL, they communicate about our well being to my SIL, so she doesnt even bother calling us…. its the IGNORE factor that hurts me.. NON INVOLVMENT in the family….recently we went to bahamas and I was v happy and we were on talks with FIL and MIL off and on over phone, when we came back, my SIL has not even bothered to ask us how was our vacation, not even a single word of ” how was it”…. this was when we called her to wish her for new year…… what should I do?
Shruti, it sounds as if your SIL may be jealous of your education and success, especially if she never went to college or got her PhD etc as you did. There really isn’t much anyone can do to deal with someone else’s jealousy issues, other than to ignore it and not let it get to you. You can’t change how she behaves – but you can change how you react to her. It seems to me the less often you speak with her the better off you are.
Personally, it seems rather intrusive of your FIL to be asking questions about your income or job. How much money you make doing your job is really none of his business, or anyone else’s for that matter. Hopefully you and your husband have not given him any details about the kind of money you make. It makes me wonder if he might start asking for more money from you and your husband if he knows how much you make, and that would NOT be good. Keep those details to yourself. I would like to suggest to you that you read one of my newest articles on the site about People Pleasing. It do believe that once you’ve read it, there will be some things that sounds familiar to you. Here’s the link: People Pleasers – Let me know what you think once you’ve read it. It’s not at all good or fair that family is calling you guys when you’re on vacation and trying to enjoy your time alone. I would highly recommend not answering the phone when any of them call you during those times and just call them back later or when you return home. There is no rule that says you must answer the phone when it’s not the best time to talk. It’s important that you and your husband set some boundaries about how much the inlaws are allowed to call or bother you guys etc, and then stick to it.
Thanks for the comments and inputs Lin!
I read your article on people pleasers and found that on certain occasions , while dealing with my Boss and my in-laws , I do really risk being a doormat. But now, since I have realized it, I would be making necessary improvements in myself and my hubby. Before we went for vacation, me and my hubby had decided not to pick any calls from home but my MIL underwent an eye surgery during that time, so, I became little lenient on talking to them.. otherwise we call them every weekend, Also, we havent told any one about my salary.. day beofre yesterday, my FIL came to know that I would be graduating soon, and his complete tone and voice changed , he mellowed and started talking sweetly and questioning me about what kind sog jobs would I be looking etc, and I restrained from telling him and told my hubby to not to involve him in such details…. so yeah, I just wish life could be simple without having to think about how to thwart clever mean people from life..
Here is my scenario, I have been dating my fiance now for 6 years and we have moved away from all families but right before moving away me, my SIL, my BIL and his wife all had a fallen out over the BIL ex-girlfreind. The situation is very complicated but the fact of the matter is that all 3 got mad at me because I didn’t tell them that I was talking back to the ex-girlfriend whos daughter is the best friend of my kids. Our kids wanted to hang out so me as a parent I believe you can’t have a relationship with a child without the mother. Well the ex-girlfriend and I were friends way before the BIL and her got together any way when they broke up it was another horrible situation that left me with the choose factor my BIL or my friend. Well since I’m marrying into the family I made a split decision and chose my BIL. Well time has passed by and me and my friend start to communicate a lil bit for our girls sake and the family found out about it and now none of them are talking to me. My fiance’s mothers birthday is this weekend and he is going back home without me and it’s got me infuriated because he doesn’t see that he is letting them get away with thinking it’s ok that I don’t come around as long as their brother is there. I mean this has only been going on 3 months but it’s killing me to know that little issues like that can bring a family not talking to each other. I mean this family reallly has some big issues. My SIL is married 34 3 kids, one kid in juvy and she doesn’t want him, her marriage is pretty much over they both cheat on each other constantly and she can’t keep a job and has no education. I’m thinking misery just loves company but I can’t keep it company. I’m really close to just giving up on 6 years and moving on. Any advice should I be patient and see how it plays out I mean this would be the first time we have had a bad moment like this between family. I think I’m just so use to my family being able to agree to disagree that i don’t know nothing else but I don’t want my kids to think it’s ok for families not to like each other.
Hi Chaauna,
One thing I always tell people is that past behavior is a strong indicator of future behavior. In other words, if your fiance’ of six years is acting like this and treating you as though you’ve done something wrong by continuing a friendship that has nothing to do with his family, this is very likely the same attitude and same behavior that will go on in your marriage.
Choosing sides in families hurts everyone. I don’t personally understand why you remaining friends with this lady because of your children’s friendship should be such a big deal. As you’ve said, you’ve known her for a very long time, so why should you “divorce” your friend just because she and your BIL broke up?
Personally, I’m still to this day best friends with my brother’s ex-wife. She has been a sister to me since I was a teenager and as far as I’m concerned, just because the marriage between her and my brother didn’t work out, it has nothing to do with me and my closeness to my “sister”. I didn’t choose one over the other, I chose to keep them both in my life because they both have been family to me forever. Why should your friendship with this lady be any different? What gives this family the right to tell you who you can or can’t remain friends with? That “loyalty” to family jazz is overrated. Your friends are none of their business, just like their friends are none of your business, so why can’t everyone just leave well enough alone?
If your fiance’ won’t step up and deal with his family head on and tell them to mind their own business, that should give you a clear indication of what would or wouldn’t take place if you choose to marry him.
Thank u for the comment I thought I was going crazy for a minute the last time I checked I was grown and who I want to b friends with is my business. I think I’m going to wait n see how he handles the situation before making any decisions if I should or shouldn’t wed him.
Hi Chauna, I experienced something similar, not quite the same. I have been married a year, but with my husband for 7 years. I have a job, education, am relatively nice looking, and a nice personality. I come from a good middle class family. My MIL and SIL don’t like me.
I haven’t been to my in-laws home (SIL lives there with her child) in almost 2 years. The last time I was there, they made a racist comment towards me and my husband didn’t say anything or defend me. The fact was, the racist comment was made with such little intelligence, I really wasn’t offended. I was hurt because she thought it was offensive, and his mother just laughed while my husband and I had blank faces. Since then, we’ve gotten married, first in a civil ceremony (his mother was calling him non-stop before and he wouldn’t answer) and then a few months later in a traditional style wedding with our families. They came and acted like nothing happened. My condition for getting married was for him to support me in these situations. He admitted that they (along with some other females) in his family have been rude to me for no reason, and that I didn’t deserve it.
Since that day I was in their home, 2 years ago, they talk about me to other people in their family. My husband’s family is huge and some people just come tell me what they say. They’ve even asked people to join sides, as if its junior high. Sometimes I pick up his cousin’s son, not because she asks but because I want to. Once the son said to me, “my mom doesn’t like you and doesn’t want you at her wedding.” I changed the subject – kids should not be involved in this. Later I told my husband and guess what, he told me we weren’t going. After her wedding, everyone was calling and asking why we didn’t go, including her. My husband told everyone what happened. He then told her and she denied everything! She even said she never treated me poorly-amazing the lies, and he knew it. The important thing is that HE had the conversation with her.
My advice is to let things like this go – be the bigger person, be “above” petty things like this. You don’t have to be friends with them, visit them etc (I don’t) but when it comes to family functions, make sure you go! Act cordial and polite. When controversy comes up, change the subject or move on. These people don’t have satisfying lives – they need to occupy themselves with yours.
Give your husband time, but also be very clear about your expectations. Don’t short change yourself – you will always resent this in your marriage, so fix it now!
Hello!
back again in such a short time with one more issue! As I mentioned in my earlier post, my in-laws do not like me and they do not involve us in familye matters( but they do involve other members). Anothing thing is , all my in-laws are out of the country. Ever since my husband’s younger brother has been engaged, the attitude towards me has completely changed, I am more ignored now… not only me, both me and my husband.
My hubby is sick ( sore throat , fever etc) since last 5 days and he has taken off from job. He called my in-laws yesterday and talked to his mother and came to know that his uncle ( with whom he had very nice childhood memories ) had expired 2 weeks back!! and we had no clue ! He was really mad at his mother and asked why he did not tell… she simply told ” we forgot”..my hubby is really very sentimental and emotional , we already miss family since we are so far away from them… When things like these come up , like we are not even involved in important news like these, he feels really miserable. He did not even tell them that he was sick.. and simply hung up. I asked him if I shud call them and talk but he refused telling he is not going to share his joys and sorrows with them.. and he told it adamantaly. In the next 8 hrs, in sleep, he asked me several times if his parents called or not, they did not. Finally, he became weak for his emotions and called and told them he was sick… I felt so stupid, I can understand his attachment to his parents but why I feel my hubby is making himself ( and me ) a doormat infront of them. Realizing he was sick, they just uttered some words of oh how are you and what happened ( sounded very formal ) and sounded as if they did not care. I could not even fight with my hubby as he is sick…. I am getting scared that time would come when I would not even exchange hello/hi to them…. ( We have talked over this issue of us being no t invovled several times with them, but they just dont acknowledge the fact that they are doing it )
Shruti,
It’s really sad that your husband’s family did not even let him know of his uncle’s death. That must have been heartbreaking for your husband to find out his uncle had died two weeks before and his family never bothered to let him know.
I’m not sure I would describe your husband as putting himself or you in the “doormat” situation that you’re describing, unless I’m not understanding completely. There are definitely some problems with his family/your in-laws, and it’s obvious that it’s taking a toll on your husband. Understandably.
It seems to me that while your husband is trying to be strong and not let it seem to hurt him as much as it does when his family acts this way, it is pretty obvious to me that deep down inside…he wants very much to have a great relationship with them. For some reason, it’s just not happening and it’s making your husband feel very sad and upset. He may act angry or upset for awhile, saying his family doesn’t matter etc etc, but deep down it’s hurting him a lot. It’s really up to your husband to handle the situation with his family, and I would not advise you to call his family and try to discuss the problems with them on your own. Most likely, that would only cause his family to be more upset with you and would probably upset your husband. Unfortunately, there really isn’t a way to force his family to realize what they’re doing and make them stop it and make them accept/like you. Sometimes couples just have to decide to happy between themselves in their own marriage, separate and apart from other family members. The fact that your in-laws live in another country has its advantages and disadvantages (they aren’t showing up on your doorstep uninvited every day of the week). You and your husband can and need to focus on your love for each other and your marriage, because the bottom line is…your marriage is between you and your husband and if his family chooses to act this way, it’s their loss.
I have the sister-in-law from hell. This woman is the most intrusive, inappropriate, disrespectful and bazaar person on the planet. She is asks where we’ve been, with whom, why, how much money we’ve spent… and even harasses our kids. Trys to invite herself on our vacations and to my house EVERY WEEKEND, lies, manipulates people and even trys to force herself on my children. I HATE THIS WOMAN… I’ve tried to set boundaries and she refuses to respect them. I want this woman OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER. I will divorce my husband and place a restraining order on this psycho nut just to be rid of her. Thats how bad the situation is.
I can relate myself to ur case except she is my mum in law n I don’t have kids. She is MIL from hell. She harasses me for everything. This is the way you put clothes in washing machine, these clothes you should not use washing machine, you should wash by hand. This is the way you put clothes to dry, that is the way you pick up clothes after they dry. This is the way to put food on the plate, you should wash dishes in this particular manner. I blame my MIL that I don’t have kids because my life was so stressed out and I did not want to bring up kids in this environment. She destroyed my self esteem and till today am afraid to speak up my mind. My husband knows the situation and sadly when he tries to remedy the situation my MIL picks on him too n makes life help. My mistake was that I felt sad for my MIL as she was single mum who got divorced as soon as she got married and she had to raise her child alone. GREAT MISTAKE ‘!!! I should have asked for me n hubby to live in separate house.
Kathy,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Have you tried to talk it out with your husband? What is his say in this….Does you SIL stay near to your home? Have you ever blatantly told her that it is none of her business to interfere in your personal life?
We have a very big problem on our hands NOW and we have no idea how to handle it. It pertains to in laws (my sister in law). My husband needed a kidney last year and his sister’s husband was the only match possible. We had been looking for awhile and thankfully he was tested and it worked out perfectly. They ended up doing the transplant a year ago this spring and both my husband and his brother in law recovered extremely well. It was a godsend. The day of transplant, I took both of them cards and balloons and magazines and whatever else they could have after major surgery… The next month was our brother in laws birthday so we sent a card and gift card and of course said thank you again in the card. We’ve never been invited over for his birthday, even though we get together for all other birthdays, so we knew we wouldnt see him, hence we sent the card. Since then we’ve had them over numerous times, close to every holiday… We have said thank you plenty and have bought them dinner on my sister in laws birthday and drinks etc. We honestly didnt know how else to tell them thank you for what they’d done for my husband.
Well a benefit dinner was given to my husband and money was raised to go towards his medical bills. When we received the money we offered some to his sister and brother in law immediately. They declined, said we needed it more. We didn’t argue, it was a tough previously year and we did have medical bills and he was permanently laid off, I had a baby 9 days after his transplant, it was a tough time for us. Its fine now, I am working full time but my husband is still laid off and stays home with our 4 children.
A year later, my sister in law blows up at my husband (lots of other details to this story but gotta stop somewhere) and says we haven’t been appreciative enough to her husband (who donated) for what he’s done. She brought up the money and asked how we spent it, etc… It was a HUGE slap in the face to my husband. Now we don’t know what to do. We feel horrible that his brother in law feels this way, but actually question if he DOES IN FACT feel this way, OR if its his sister not getting enough attention. We feel that if we send money now, we’re putting a price tag on his donation (kidney). I mean honestly, we don’t know what we’re supposed to do. I am angry at his sister (but staying out of it) because if this is how she knew her husband felt, then I believe SHE should have gone to her brother and told him right away to FIX IT. And my husband would have done anything to make it right, why wouldnt he? Any suggestions on how to rectify this situation???
Thanks!
Hi Cheryl,
It definitely sounds to me as if the issue is with your sister-in-law, rather than your BIL. Her attitude suggests that she feels her husband giving the kidney is a DEBT to be paid back rather than a kind and loving GIFT to a family member. The fact that your SIL had the audacity and gaul to ask how you spent the money from the benefit says a lot. What nerve! You offer them a portion of the benefit money, and they decline, but she holds it over your husband’s head as if there is a price to be paid for the kidney donation. I can’t help but wonder (sarcastically), what is the buying price for a kidney from your SIL’s perspective? Her husband gave a gift of a kidney, and you’ve both said Thank You more times than necessary, and have been trying to socialize more together and remember them for Birthdays and Holidays etc.
Geez, is the kidney a gift or a debt? If it’s a debt as far as they’re concerned, what do they (actually just your SIL probably), what do you two have to do, say, give etc to show your gratitude and appreciation for the kidney? And, for how long do these acts of gratitude and appreciation need to go on? Years? For the rest of their lives? Do you and your husband have to bow down and kiss their feet because her husband willingly donated his kidney?
I’m with you and your husband on this – it sounds to me like your SIL is being petty and wanting to not only be the center of attention, but SHE is treating this kind GIFT as a debt that she expect you two to pay for god knows how long. I also question if this is how her husband feels, and HE’S the one who gave the kidney, not her. Your SIL sounds selfish to me, and it sounds to me as if she’s pouring on the guilt manipulation nonsense so common when donations such as this take place amongst family. There’s a reason why people who receive donated body parts and organs don’t know the name of the person who gave it. Your situation goes to show how smart it is to not know because some twit like your SIL is gonna come along and make a huge deal out of it by making it seem as though you’re having to pay off a debt rather than it being a kind gift of love.
I can’t help but wonder if your BIL is even aware how his wife has acted towards her brother about this kidney donation. If it were me dealing with this type situation, I would suggest your husband make arrangements to take his BIL to lunch or to get a beer or something and have your husband discuss the matter between them privately. I highly doubt that your BIL feels the way the SIL is claiming or implying. It’s like the organ donation is being used (by the SIL) to hold her brother “hostage” and she expects that her brother basically bow down and kiss their ______ for however long, but then stand back and refuse your husband’s kind offer of sharing the benefit money. I mean, seriously, what does this chick want? Dismiss her b.s. and suggest to your dear hubby that the two grown men discuss this privately amongst themselves. Something tells me the drama queen SIL is behind all this, and very likely the hubby doesn’t feel this way at all. Hang in there.
I have had major issues with my mother-in-law since I started planning my wedding in May 2009. My now husband said he knew whoever he married would have trouble with his mother because she is overbearing, overwhelming, loud, and extremely opinionated. She is a self-employed florist and offered to make my centerpieces for the wedding. I was excited as it would save a lot of money. I bought all the flowers and vases and showed her how I wanted them done. She insisted though on adding things of her own in even though that wasn’t what I wanted. When I politely asked her to keep the arrangements the way I had planned them, she went off. She sent text messages saying I was ungrateful and I was making her feel bad. Then a few hours later, she apologized and said she had had one too many glasses of wine. Every incident she blows up, and then apologizes making up some excuse. On our honeymoon, she sent my husband and I an awful e-mail blaming my friends for giving her younger son (age 20) drinks at the reception. He did get sick that night, but not because of my friends. But because of his own actions. I thought it was completely rude, especially while on our honeymoon. She couldn’t send something that said, “Hey, hope you guys are having a great time!”. Then his aunt gets involved and sends an e-mail to my husband, about me. Saying I didn’t include their family in anything and that I was an inconsiderate person. I did nothing but try to please everyone. No one else complained about the wedding except for his mom and aunt. And the drama has continued, as she now is cancelling Christmas and not allowing her son to stay at her house because she has noticed I have distanced myself from her. How should I deal with her?
I have an issue that isn’t resolving itself. I have a disfuntional in-law family. Both of my husbands siblings haven’t been raising their children. His mother has. The problem has always been bad but since his youngest sister had her child it just went worse!!! The child’s father pays child support but has never seen the child… Promises but never shows up. She has no specific address just stays with friends. Her parents told her to let them have her but “feel” better with us raising their grandchild. They don’t permit any type of boundaries to be placed on their grandchildren. They actually tell the mama she is a piece of ____ if she wants to take her child. She will take her but brings her back within an hour or 2 max. She parties everynight and goes home with a new “man” frequently. She quit her job so she’s not even supporting her child. She uses child support for cigs and alcohol each night at the clubs. When she comes over its I’m the best mom there ever was. She screams and hollars. Won’t get up and make the child mind. It’s a mess and I get “guilted” into keeping her. I have a child with a disability that I am raising and a child who struggles with school. I can’t even rely on them to get her when I have an appointment with a doctor for my child. They expected me to keep my teen home from school to “watch” their child. My husband won’t hear me. It’s just I feel bad about how she will be raised if we don’t have her.
I’m just tired of it all….
I’ve been researching in-law troubles for a very long time and have not found any help to my problem. I have never posted a comment or entered a forum but here it goes. I’m desperate. I have been married for 8 years and with my husband for 18 yrs. I have always gotten along with my in-laws. As far as my mother and sis in law I love them as my own family. Now….my brother in law on the other hand is a completely different story. We had always gotten along UNTIL he asked to be set up with one of my friends. My friend was not a close friend but started to say that he was an ***hole and stuff so I stopped talking to her as much to not cause problems between me and the in-laws. My mil and sil didn’t like her for there own reasons but the bil fell for her and her kid hard. She told him a bunch of lies and would cry to him about his family not liking her and caused him to be distant from my mil and sil and he stopped speaking to me and his brother for 2 yrs even though a year of the she left him and they have not seen or been together since (now about 3 years) last xmas he called my husband (his brother) and they started talking and hanging out. When it came to me though he wouldn’t say even hi or look my way. He would not be respectful even at family gatherings. My daughters bday party came and just as the past 3 yrs my bil did not get an invitation. He gave his couSin and my mil a sob story about not being invited but how could I have someone in MY home who could not be respectful towards me. This was hurting my hubby, my mil and my kids so since I knew he wouldn’t meet me I text him and said exactly this….” I want to apologize for any thing I did or anything you think I did. I see this problem with you and me is affecting your mom, brother and nieces and I don’t like to see the people I love hurt so maybe we can just leave the past in the past and be respectful towards one another at least so that things can be somewhat normal.” This was the reply I got ” you fu##ed up when you fu**ed with my last girlfriend. Stay the f**k away from me a**hole”
Okay now. In my eyes totally not called for. Now I expected my hubby to defend me (his wife) mother of his kids. Not fight the guy but tell him that crap is unacceptable. My bil has anger issues. No secret. He has gotten into confrontations with just about every person in his family. He treats his sis and mom like crap and no one tells him anything cuz he is sensitive and will get angry or upset. But there is line and I feel he crossed it. My husband seemed more mad at me for sending the message without asking him first then what his brother said to me. Hubby turned cold to me and kept talking to his bro like nothing. He said his brother needs to blame someone other then himself for his girl leaving him and his brother chose me and that’s fine. (Why is that fine, tell him maybe she left him cuz he cheated on her, or she found numbers in his pants or cuz he used to push and shove her and call her names) Eventually he read for himself what his brother sent and stopped talking to him for awhile. The mil guilts my hubby and he was not letting up and I was proud of him. He said ” I’m not giving my brother a pass, he owes me something. An apology or acknowledgment that he was wrong” I was sooo happy. He was being strong and in some way defending me. Standing by my side. That was short lived. He gave his brother the pass cuz his mom made him feel guilty for not talking to his brother. When he didn’t speak to my hubby for 3 yrs over some girl he was just dating. Don’t get me wrong. They are not the same. They text and what not and have small talk. But that’s the start. Eventually they will go out to the store or hang out and it kills me. It makes me so angry and hurt when I hear his brother call his cell. Or I know he is texting his brother. I tried to have the I don’t care attitude but I do. It is so uncomfortable going to his moms house (bil 36 still lives with mommy) that I ONLY go there for parties and even that is uncomfortable.
I don’t know what to do. I feel my hubby should have told him that crap you said to my wife wasn’t cool or acceptable. But nothing. I feel let down by my bestfriend. I get so angry when he is talking or texting his brother. Like I have been slapped in the face. How can I overcome these feelings. When his relationship with his brother goes back to hanging out and stuff I’m gonna explode. Today I shut my hubbys alarm off on his cell and he had a text from his brother and he could sense my mood change but I always say its nothing cuz I would feel like a horrible person if I asked him to chose between me and his brother. If anyone lasted reading this long any suggestions are appreciated.
I also want to add husband made a promise to me that she would be out here every other year. Well that isn’t happening she was here last year and returning again this year. And when I told her 2 weeks was too long she came back with “if we stay longer, we can always stay with someone else. he (my husband) has a lot of vrey generous friends and neighbors.” anyone else notice didn’t say would get a motel just impose on people that WE are friends with not HER my husband and I. She is in her 30′s and so tired of fighting over this matter. HELP. PS no mother in law as both husband & sisinlaw hate and father in law deceased.
i sympathize with you in bro/sis in laws. mine is a gem too. Tired saying she tired commited suicide when 14 (husband knew nothing about it) she decided to tell me this after husbands daughter did commit (we weren’t married at the time and i found her) where they get off disresecting us is beyond me I have tried to be civil but I know how you feel the burning that they are back in the picture. I too wish my husband would grow a set and tell her this is MY wife and I respect her and her feelings even if you don’t
so I have a sister in law whom i don’t care for. She discusses with my husband when she will be coming to our house, I am not included in this they TELL me when she will be here no asking my opinion about the dates. When she is here it is always “oh your coming with us?” this woman will not stay in a motel nor rent a car she stays in our camper & drives my vehicle (wanted to take 160 miles to her friends house I told her to rent she changed her mind.) Well am my wit’s end as husband feels I am wrong to want to be included-to be told she is coming is enough and they will now spend her vacation together & I am excluded. Divorce seems to be in my future.
ok me again. the sil is a major problem I can’t say WHY i dislike so much maybe because when she visits (am not included in discussion of length of visit or time) she makes me feel inferior. That i don’t have a choice of when or length of visit as SHE IS COMING. Just knowing she will return this summer is causing our marriage problems Jeff (husband) has informed me that as I blew it by getting mad over her returning I no longer have a choice they will discuss and he has closed off no affection just walls and cold should this arguemnt happend Sat 29th of Jan it started over a comment that i had made about her cooking well esculated to Jeff saying I have made this mess and no longer will he love me as I have hurt him this will be the way our relationship will be no love. I have made my self sick-am literally throwing up. I can’t stop what happened Sat & I want to have a happy life with this man. I get angry that they make decisions without ME. how do I handle have also been told they will do things without me, to me it’s like he is a parent and I have been the bad child and this is my punishment
My sister never liked my husband and never gave any reason for not likinghim. She caused a lot of drama on my wedding night. as she told most of my family members and closest friends horrible things about him which are not true. Unfortunately all my family members except my closet friends believed her.
Its been 6 months since our marriage and we live next door to my sister and my mom. The worse thing is trying to deal with it all as my husband has lost all trust in my mother whom he had a great relationship with before and my sister uses my car which I am paying for and I have not taken it back from her because she has to take my mother around.
This causes a strain in my relationship with my husband at times because he thinks I’m being taken advantage of and he can’t stand to see my sister now knowing that she ruined his reputation with ,my family whim he once had a great relationship with.
My problems with my mother-in-law started a year ago (after one year of marriage). She lives in FL and we live in OH. She had my son and my husband visiting in FL while I was in OH. My son was only 6 months old and I arranged the visit because she had never seen him (her only grandchild from her only son). While they were there, my husband and I had a long distance argument (can’t even remember about what) and my mother-in-law sent me a text that said, “Just so you know, whenever people talk negatively about you, Chris always defends you.”
I WAS LIVID! First, I thought, “WHAT are ‘people’ saying about me?” My husband’s family doesn’t even know me! Second, I was upset because clearly my husband must have been portraying me negatively to his family in FL, and that must be why they are talking negatively about me.
From that day, it’s gone downhill. My mother-in-law and father-in-law have twice threatened to take my son and keep him and “CHALLENGED me to try to come and take my son back!” Who do they think they are?
I told my husband, I refuse to see, or allow my son to see them until a sincere apology is given and my trust is restored. His mom, emailed me (after 4 months) an apology that said, “Sorry for whatever we did to upset you.” After that my father-in-law came to visit us, and to my face, he threatened me again with taking my son. Neither of them have apologized since.
I feel since last June, my in-laws have only tried to find a way to divide my marriage and my family. I do not trust them at all, and I have lost trust in my husband. He does not come to my defense or the defense of our marriage. He says, “It’s my mom. I’m her only son. You need to respect her. She said sorry. You both need to work it out.” He is secretive about their communication. He makes me believe he is telling her negative things about our marriage.
Virtually 100% of our arguments during our marriage have been about his loyalty to our marriage.
I am to the point of giving up. If he wants to put his mother over our family, he can leave and go back to FL and live with mommy. I just don’t know HOW to make it better. I believe it is a value system and his values are clearly different than mine. IF my mother EVER threatened my husband with our SON, THAT would be the END of my communication with HER until SHE fixed it!
I’d say act like you care…burn the bridges to make your husband happy but keep record of every time they threaten to take your son…if your husband won’t stand up for your family, he needs to know that he made a commitment to you and you aren’t telling him to choose, but asking him to make peace or this can lead to divorce…though we have our families, when you marry someone, you choose to spend the rest of your life with them and you choose to break certain ties from your families. Hope this helps…
This is my 4th time trying to write this. So much has happened over the past 2 years, I just don’t know where to start. Part of me feels really stupid and ashamed to be in this situation when I seen the red flags even before we started dating. We’re not married but maybe the problem is that I honestly seen myself happily married to this man if it weren’t for his family. And I know we’d be a lot better off if he just knew how to set appropriate boundaries. His inability to do that has left me feeling very alone and betrayed. During the 13 months we were together he tried to break up with me 10 times because it was easier to rationalize that I was the problem and just get rid of me than to stand up to his toxic family members.
We were living together and I went through so much stress that I started to go crazy and even had an episode of dissociation. We ended up separating and I moved out of state. Then his brother and mom moved into his 1 bedroom condo. I came back and was living in my car. So recently I was staying with him and ended up getting pregnant. A few weeks before I found out, he went out of state for work…my car got stolen, his mother kicked me for no good reason and I ended up filing a harassment charge against his brother. I soon came to realize his brother was the one who stole and damaged my car.
Because I was homeless and am now pregnant I am staying with him again and we’re trying to work out our relationship. His mom goes back and forth from nice to verbally abusive. My bf seems to bury problems and not seem to think about how actions reflect personalities/attitudes and how that will continue to come up in the future. I’m falling into a depression deciding if it’s coming down to me being a poor single mom or dealing with this drama and being unhappy for the rest of my life.
hi,
mine is also the same problem.
I have done love marriage, my parents were not ready for this marriage but i left them and married to my husband, nw 2 yrs over. for first few months she was very good to me and nw she started creating misunderstanding in me and my husband by finding any reason of my responsibility of home or something. hearing that my husband start arguing with me without listening to me and he used to beat me many times. but i ignored that many times. nw its getting over to my head. Even for her wish I left my job and took responsibility of home still she has a problem with me. She said that either you live in this house otherwise I’ll leave. Now my husband is fully her, he dnt care n listen to me at all. he dnt talk to me only…
I am very confused. just now i joined at new work. I dnt have my parents also to tell them or to go to them.
what to do i really dnt knw…bt I love my husband very much and I cant leave him….
Okay, I’m not married, but I’m in a serious committed relationship. Me and my boyfriend get along wonderfully, we are so similar, we understand each other, we have so much fun together… I really can’t picture a life without him, he is my best friend.
We have a serious problem though: he has a big family, and he spends a lot of time with them. Both he and his family are very keen on me “joining” the family so to speak, they often want me to come to dinner and this and that, and they come and visit without any warning (hardly even knocking!). Me on the other hand, come from a very small family where everyone keeps to themselves and hardly ever get personal with each other. I very much prefer this since I like having control over my own time, I like deciding for myself when and how I’m going to meet people, what time I’m going to eat dinner, what time I want to be alone, etc. I’m a grown woman now and I want to be in charge, not bend my life according to someone else’s family. I aslo suffer from social anxiety disorder, which really doesn’t help the situation since it’s not only a question of Do I Want to See His Family, but also: Can I Meet Them Without Having an Anxiety Attack?
This is putting a lot of strain on our relationship. He gets upset of my avoidance-behaviour where I hide, invent excuses and sometimes avoid eating only to escape his family (typical when suffering from social anxiety). The fact that he becomes upset in turn upsets me, I feel like he doesn’t accept me for who I am. And it upsets me that he’s not on my side, that he constantly put me in the types of situation where I feel like I have to hide etc to escape. If he would just tell his family to Ask before they stop by for example, a lot of problems would be solved right there. But he won’t. The fact that I can’t trust him to have my back triggers my anxiety even more.
No matter how much we talk about it, the facts remain: he wants to spend time with his family and he wants me there with him (anxiety free) – And I have no desire to be part of his family beyond polite civility, and I have suffered from social anxiety all my life, it’s not going to go away just like that.
We love each other so much, we have cried about this problem many times… we don’t want to break up. Is there anything we can do to solve it?
I would definitely talk it over with his family. Let them know how you are and put it in a way they can see how uncomfortable you are. If he loves you, he should try and smoothe it out as well, especially if he wants to marry you one day. I was like that too…not the anxiety thing, but I came from a small family and married into a big family and I am possessive and not easy to open up. But I feel that you should resolve it soon if you love each other and as much as he loves his family, he needs to realize that there are boundaries especially when it comes to relationships. It’s a simple notification that they’re coming that can save you from crying…also, give it time and let him know you can get along with them but just not to push it…good luck with your situation!
Here is my scenario…I married into a family with different culture and beliefs. I moved in with my husband and son last year because they invited us and said that they would not tell us what to do and wanted to help us save money…I ended up unemployed because I couldn’t go back to work after maternity leave. To cut this story short, my husband finally found a job in the military and now that he’s deployed and I’m still living there with my son, I feel like they’re monitoring everything I do and finding my lifestyle to be stressing them when I try and do my part to Contribute to their house. It has led to my father in law expressing that if I don’t change, as in do what they want me to do, he will kick me and my son out. There were a lot of hurtful things said and they make me feel so hurt. The things they have done for us is being thrown in my face and it’s like they’re expecting me to pay it back. How do I handle this type of situation? And the other question is, this kind of conflict has happened before. Should I continue to live with them and suck it up or should I move out and move on. I feel like they are trying to control me and since my husband is gone, they think they can belittle and bring me down. Should I just suck it up for my husband and stay there? This is really tough…I mean I will love them regardless but I need some sort of resolution to all this stress…
So how do you deal when you live with the in-laws? I’m 20, married, and have a 15 month old daughter and the two biggests issues is bedtime routines and disagreements with my husband. His mother steps in and doesnt let us come to a solution on our own and just tells us to shut up and go to bed. She is always trying to take over how we raise our daughter saying “Dont let that baby cry” “You don’t know whats wrong with her” “You cant do that to her because her daddy wouldnt do it when he was a baby” (lets not forget that both my husband and his sister are disrespectful brats) My husband was unemployed for 8 months and just started a new job about 3 weeks ago. HELP
Well Skylar, it’s the case of the “new grandma” syndrome as I see it. My mother in law was like that too when my son was born and it was mostly her and my husband that took care of him. It hurt me a lot because I didn’t feel like I was being a mother to him and felt like I failed but I failed to understand that they helped way more than they should because they needed me to heal from my c section but they didn’t see that I fell into postpartum depression because I felt like I wasn’t doing my job. As he got older, there were some disagreements, like what to feed him and when but you just have to put your foot down and let them see that this is NOT their child but yours. As much as they might say some hurtful things to you or try to belittle you, just remember that they had kids too…you need to talk to your mother in law because she needs to understand it’s not HER child and she needs to respect your ways of raising your child. As with your husband, we all have disagreements when it comes to raising children and not everyone will agree with everything. But you should talk to him and try to compromise on how to raise your child together and have your mother in law not interfere with it either. Since your husband just started a job, he needs to find trust in you that you can raise your daughter whether he is there or not. My husband is currently in boot camp for the air force and being away from him while living with his inlaws is REAL tough. You just need to have thicker skin and show your husband too that you both are a team and you need to work it out…I’m 24 with my first child and yea it’s HELLA tough…so it’s good to have your mother in law help..but let her know she is only a SUPPORTER, not the MOTHER. My father in law told me that..he said, “we are only here to support you and help you, not raise your children…” hope that helps!
oh and btw Skylar, it’s all about TRUST and TRUTH…he trusts that I can care for my son on my own…we both trust each other on whatever decision needs to be made for our son and future children…just talk to your mom in law and husband and hope everything works out:)
The relationship I have with my father in law is very strained. My husband and I have been married 3 years and together 4 years prior to our wedding. My father in law has never liked me and has made that pretty evident with how he speaks about me behind my back. It reached a breaking point when he physically attacked me soon after my son was born. He claims that I have been avoiding him and not sharing my son with him as much as I should. After many emails back and forth we are finally starting to mend our relationship and have had two family visits since he attacked me. I am really struggling with appeasing my mother in law and husband by agreeing to spend time as a family. Every time I’m around my father in law I have to bite my tongue and feel completely emotionally drained after visiting with him. My husband gets irritated with me because I don’t want to visit them more often. He says I need to be thinking about our son and his relationship with his grandparents. I hate my father in law and feel like I’m an actress every time I’m around him pretending that we have this okay relationship. How do I deal? This is tearing me apart, I wish I didn’t ever have to see that man again.
Melina, I see a couple of things here in your message. You say your FIL “attacked” you shortly after your son was born; Your FIL has never liked you and, your FIL feels like you’ve been avoiding him and not sharing your son with him. You feel like your FIL has never liked you and that you feel like you have to bite your tongue when visiting, but you haven’t said or implied why that’s the case. You also say you hate your father in law, and you feel emotionally drained after visiting with him.
Based on your message, it immediately became clear that both you and your FIL have not felt “liked” by the other from the get go. Why is that? What happened the first day you two met and spoke to each other? Did something specific and downright horrible occur that day, or within a matter of one or two days after meeting, that caused at least you to feel as though your FIL didn’t like you from the very beginning? Did he say or do something to you that first day of meeting or within a matter of days that caused you to feel that he didn’t like you?
I can’t help but get the feeling that in this situation, there appears to be an overwhelming sense that many assumptions have been made without any real evidence or facts, perhaps by both you and your FIL. I’m not suggesting that he didn’t “attack” you as you’ve said, not at all. I don’t know what you mean by that word so I’m not going to make up images in my own mind based on what the meaning of “attacked” means to me. I’m glad to hear that you both have been discussing ways to improve the relationship. I find that the majority of MIL, DIL and FIL problems appear to begin from the very moment family’s meet the new girlfriend, and the false assumptions often made by one or both sides are based on such inconclusive “evidence” that it becomes comical and silly. Assumptions of not being liked from the get go, based on a whole variety of factors include:
He/she kept staring at me during our first meet so that I felt uncomfortable, and “not liked”.
He/she barely looked at me during our first meet so that I felt uncomfortable, and not liked.
He/she asks too many questions so that I feel they’re prying into my personal life.
He/she barely ever asks me anything, so that I feel they barely know me at all, and don’t seem to want to get to know me.
I could go on and on with the He/She this and that scenarios, but I’m sure you get the gist of what I’m getting at. Getting to know people and feeling comfortable, safe and secure, liked and even loved when becoming involved with someone’s son or daughter takes time and lots of effort on both sides. You’ve been with your husband a total of four years, three of those as a married couple. That gave his family just one year to get to know you, and for you to get to know them. That’s tough to do in just a year, so it is understandable that the “getting to know” each other would go on for a much longer period of time. The unfortunate thing that occurs far too often is that many assumptions are often made on both sides – most often false assumptions.
The fact that your FIL said that he feels you’ve been avoiding him (and not sharing your son with him) tells me that he certainly realizes there is some mental/emotional distance between you two. Based on your message, it appears that your relationship with the MIL is fine. So, what brought about this problem between you and your FIL? Assumptions made from the get go? Something mean he said or did to you early on?
Since you’ve been emailing each other and trying to make strides in improving the relationship, which is excellent!, all I can suggest for you to do is do some soul searching to find to figure out and pinpoint at what moment did you feel you were not liked or wanted by your FIL? Regardless of the answer to that question, you have to find a way of moving forward in the family relationship that creates comfort, respect, caring, love etc for your own good, for your FIL’s benefit, for your husband and MIL’s benefit and your son’s benefit. Nothing good can come from continuing to hold onto grudges, nor believing false assumptions as factual occurrences. The biggest question you must ask yourself, besides figuring out at what moment you felt unliked and unwanted in the family, is: What are you doing to develop and maintain a good relationship with your FIL (and MIL and other inlaws), where you personally are making honest effort to display the characteristics of a loving, caring person towards your FIL in particular? It takes two to tango, so to speak, so what part of this He/She dance are you playing that needs to change?
Lots of good advice. My husband and have actually been together a total of seven years, three married, four unmarried. We lived four hours away from my husband’s parents up until two years ago when we moved closer for jobs. During the time we were living futher away, my FIL was often displeased by the fact that my husband didn’t call home as often now that he had the new girlfriend. We also didn’t come up for the holidays because we didn’t get the time off from work to allow us to make the trip. To this day, he blames me for his son not calling home as often as he would have liked. The “attack” I speak of occured while we were temporarily living with them. Both my MIL and FIL invited us to live with them while I was pregnant and taking maternity leave, to make us more financially comfortable. The entire time we lived there I felt uncomfortable and kept to my room a lot. He took this personally and has said that he thought I was actively trying to avoid spending time with them. After my son was born, I felt a lot of depression and a rollercoaster of emotions. I kept to myself because my FIL’s constant negativity and harsh comments had me at my breaking point. He is an alcoholic and during one of his binges he came at me while I was changing my sons diaper and said he hopes that I like living on the street and I’m done living with them. he said he was sick of my disrespectful behaivior (avoiding him and not doing my part to vaccuum and sweep the floors). I started crying and told him I loved him and appreciated all the help and would try harder. He started screaming in my face, calling me a liar, I pushed past him and ran for my room and he came after me trying to strangle me. My husband pulled him away and my FIL then started strangling my husband. I called the police and ran out of the house with my son. Since then, I’ve had a hard time moving forward and forgetting about that night. Since the first time I met my FIL I’ve felt this negativity from him and have had a hard time opening up and being myself. Since talking to him recently, he said he’s felt distance and interpreted it to be me being stuck up and cold. I guess I had heard too many stories about him from my husband to know that he’s a hard person to get along with and had my defenses up from the very beginning. He is getting older and his wife think he has dementia, which makes building a relationship even tougher. I’m trying my best to let the past be in the past and start fresh, but I cannot feel comfortable around him especially if he is drinking. He does not believe he is an alcoholic and believes the definition of an alcoholic is one that goes through withdrawals and have a physical dependency on alcohol. He drinks straight whisky every night from the moment he gets home til he passes out in front of the TV. How can I create a relationship with someone like this? He doesn’t see that he may possibly have a problem and won’t discuss it at all.
Thankfully my mother in law is normal.. But..my father in law drives me crazy.. He is rude.. He taunts everytime i speak to him… He is money minded and expects that my husband would give him money after he starts his job.. he even created so many issues in our marriage.. he insulted my parents.. My parents gave me some money as gift..my father in law took all of it.. my mother in law is uneducated and blindly supports her husband… my father in law is a very avaracious person but has never done anything for me as per traditions in india…but he expects a lot from us… i cant stand that person at all… he is so dominating and rude that even my husband is scared of saying things to him ..though he knows that his father is wrong.. Plz suggest me what should i do..Its almost 1 year now and Im sick of him already…
I don’t know what to do. My husband has been working with his dad all his life. I have been with my husband thru thick and thin, but now that the economy is not doing so well, I feel he needs to get a better job away from his dad. He absolutely refuses to do this and our family is struggling. If I being the issue up, he gets aggraviated and he goes off on me. What should I do? Please help!! I’m getting told old to put up with a man that’s 45 years old and can’t leave his parents work. It’s ridiculous and shows me that my marriage to him is worthless!!
Thanks
My husband and I were shortly married when we went on a trip with his parents to their home country. The parents speak two languages French and German really well and some English. With the Children they talk one and I happen to know the other language. When I first met his parents we hit it off and really got a long great. I was looking forward to being a part of their family and so was my Husband. Both of us had always heard these horrible stories about in laws. Well lets just say after this trip thing have been quite different. We ended up spending two weeks together with them. Spent every hour of the day together, me not understanding most of the conversations because they spoke their language. I took my husband a side and asked if we couldn’t make visits separate, but he didn’t know how to tell him parents. After all they did pay for the car rental and he had to drive them. I felt so much like a fifth wheel and was so disappointed. I really wanted to get to know his family and where he came from. I remember one visit where one of his uncles asked me about my family history and there was his mom sitting there and correcting me thinking she knew better. (Most of their family also spoke German so I could communicate, they just chose to speak French). Sometimes we’d walk into someones house and stand there the whole visit and the family wouldn’t even notice we were there too. Over and over I asked my husband to separate from his parents but he decided not too, so the tension grew and grew.
Today things just don’t seem to be normal anymore. My husband did finally see that it was wrong what happened there, but my mother in law just told me again the other day it’s normal when a man wants to spend time with his parents (after all he lived at home for many years). We don’t live in the same province but they come and visit about twice a year and we go maybe once. We have children so they come and see the children and babysit if we want them to, but there is hardly no conversations between us anymore. When they come they make comments about how I should do this and that. I give them Food and it’s not healthy for them. My husband has talked to them about it and they just say there is no problem. This time around when they came I thought things would be different. The first two nights we had really nice conversations as the four of us, but than when my husband wasn’t home one day they started question me about my past (we have been married 5 years now). I thought it was all in good in tensions and filled them in a bit and since then they haven’t talked to me again. It seems they question and if they don’t like the answers they just ignore you after. They have told some of this to their daughters and now they don’t like me either. Some of the family was worried since I spoke the same language I would be their favorite in-law and it seems they are doing everything they can to prevent that. One of my husband’s sisters even called me and said I make my husband very unhappy. So I wanted her to tell him that herself, but she didn’t want me to. In fact didn’t want me to tell him that she said that.
Anyways, that’s the base of the whole story. How do I get passed this? They are still in town and I am sure I’ll see them again sometime before they leave. My husband is suffering because his family doesn’t like me and in a few occasions have left him out of family time. We are struggling as a couple because of this and I can’t handle it much longer. What do I do?
Marika
I must say -this was very helpful. My in-laws are not nightmarish but they can be difficult. I feel often that they are waiting for me to change into someone who would fit in better with the family and disapproval is written all over their faces whenever they come to visit. I am expected to dote on my husband, be “more respectful”, to be more helpful at family functions, attend more family functions etc. I feel I am constantly being compared to his exes and how they could have done better at these things.
His youngest sister speaks to me as she pleases often in his presence with no intervention from him.
My mother in law is very traditional and conservative woman. At a family function last December after breaking our backs to make it to the function, I was literally attacked by her because of how I was dressed!!! I was from a wedding and dressed in a knee-length sleeveless cocktail dress. Since we were so late already coming back from a wedding out of town, we went straight to my husband’s home. as soon as we arrived she dashed straight to me (I was chatting with a relative) and said “oh look at how you’re dressed. we cant have you walking around like that-come inside and get something decent to wear”
I was livid and felt humiliated! When I told my husband-he yelled at me saying “stop villifying my mother. She is just trying to make sure you fit in with everyone!” the nerve!!!! I have not forgiven him for that. I felt he failed to protect me from his family and would allow them to just walk all over me and do as they please! I stopped visiting them completely unless they specifically ask us to come over. I need to protect myself since clearly my husband is incapable of it.
I know that if this happens again-he and I will have serious issues-I cannot be married to a man who fails to keep his own family from abusing me
What about a clingy cousin in law who gets angry at the thought of her younger cousin having a woman in his life more important than her? Weird huh? My partner’s cousin is an emotional basket case with abandonment issues and no siblings. After her mum died when she was 24 she became dependent on my partner. Her father left her mum and never contacted her when she was 5. I get her issues. But, I also lost my mum when I was 15, then my dad kicked me out once he remarried when I was 17. I’ve not seen him since. My elder siblings never defended me and so I became super independent, went to uni, went travelling, moved to Asia. My now partner was an old uni friend. We got together and I convinced him to move to Asia with me. He was game because he’s half Chinese. Anyway, this led to a hysterical cousin, her fiance (over bearing control freak) told my partner he was abandoning his cousin.
He still left with me. Fast forward 3 years, we’ve just returned. My bf had to apologise to his cousin and vow to never “abandon” her again before she would agree to see us. She criticises me to his alcoholic mother(who also has issues), saying I’m not working. I’m volunteering full time while unemployed. I received some nasty messages from his mum when drunk saying the cousin said I was a lazy, loser, stuck up etc. My bf says I’m being to sensitive cos his mum is horrible to everyone when drunk and she probably lied and his cousin didn’t say that. That’s one example. His cousin also refuses to admit we both have had horrible experiences losing our mums and being abandoned. She just won’t admit it. Her fiance suggested once maybe I deserved to be thrown out by my dad aged 17. (i wasn’t a terrible teen, the opposite, a straight A student who hated getting drunk and had a straight edge boyfriend. My step mum used to taunt me calling me “little miss perfect” in a derogatory way).
Where’s my bf in all this. Burying his head, saying I’m too sensitive, need to learn his family saying hurtful things but unintentionally. He also hates speaking to either on the phone so ignores their calls. This has led to a conspiracy that I’m somehow controlling him. He won’t ever speak up and put the record straight. He just says if it’s not true why get worked up?
Basically I’m at breaking point. I actually miss my ex’s family because they really accepted me. I spent Christmas with them one year and I felt like family. When we spent an Xmas with the cousin, fiance and brother,(flew back specially) I was ignored and asked out right why I wasn’t spending Xmas with my own family by the cousin. I’m resent my bf each time he lets me down and doesn’t just defend me or set things straight.
Hi Lin,
Maybe you could help me figure out if I’m as awful as my in-laws seems to think I am or if I have a right to hate them as much as I do. First of all, my husband refuses to back me up with anything that flies my way and does not see his fault in any of this. He is very quiet and peaceful and prefers to just keep quiet rather than to speak up and voice his opinion, especially if it’s contrary to his parents’ or sister’s opinion. I do believe that’s our first issue since his whole family seems to think it’s acceptable to yell at me if/when we happen to disagree about something or at their whim, as it seems.
They (MIL, FIL, SIL and BIL) have all yelled at me (not at him eventhough it was always for decisions we made together, which he never backs me up for) for different reasons, ranging from how we should decorate our house, what colour of paint is on our wall (what do I know? I mean, I only chose the paint and see it every day!) where the furniture should go, where/when/how to plan our wedding and who to invite and how to share a trailer (they think we should all go whenever we want and just work out sleeping arrangements when we get there, with up to 4 adults and 3 kids in a one-bedroom trailer with a sofa bed, instead of setting up a schedule for shared visits; they are there every weekend and think it’s completely unreasonable and selfish of us to think that we could alternate weekends for our stays, eventhough every article about shared cottages I found recommend that and all of my friends have said that that’s what they would assume to do as well). I even called to apologize for obviously seeing “sharing” in a different way then they did and we’d be happy to do it their way and I got yelled at and insulted again.
I realize that I have done things wrong where I have voiced my opinion strongly at times because I have a backbone (maybe I shouldn’t) and I often can’t help but mention to them when I am stressed because my husband works sometimes between 18-48 hour days and is not around for support at home much (I was hoping for help like offering to babysit once in a while). They see that as criticism towards him. My husband and I don’t always see eye to eye and I’m sure he discusses all of this with them (putting me in a bad light) yet they don’t see all the bad things he does to me (of course not).
His dad seems to be trying to keep the peace with me lately because he often emails me during his workdays and I don’t mind seeing him.
They say that they feel they’re walking on egg-shells with me but that’s exactly how I feel about them. I don’t feel like my husband and I have any right to an opinion of our own and often don’t bother to voice it anymore, and if it’s important to me, then I’m fighting it out solo because my husband refuses to say anything to any of them. I’m starting to think that he knows that he’ll never win any of the battles so he just takes it (or rather, lets me take the blows). The only reason I still spend any time with them is so our son grows up knowing them. I would really much rather eat shards of glass then see any of them.
Does any of this seem normal to you?
I could really use a sanity check to see if I am being completely unreasonable or not. If they all think that way and think I am such an awful person, then maybe they’re right (?)
I have as of late found myself in a jam. My husband and I are newly married and have inherited his grandparent’s house and property. The house and property was left in his father’s name, his brother’s name, and my husband’s name. The father passed the house and land up to build his own, the brother also did the same. So my husband accepted the offer. The house is rather large, and rather old. So constant upkeep is needed. Which no one has done since the 1940s until now, with my husband and I. We are constantly fixing things and adding on to our “new” place. Well lately his father has been at the house, a lot. And is making changes to the house as he pleases. Adding this, adding that. And every time we are trying to spend a weekend alone, the father, the step mother, the cousins, the aunts, the uncles, they all show up, and they all make comments about the work I’ve done to the house, and how they don’t like it. Well the father has been making hints that we need to check in with everyone before we make any changes cause he insists the house is fine as is. I feel like I’ve put myself in a terrible spot. And I’m finding myself not feeling like a wife, or a homemaker. I am very independent and I want to be established. I feel this whole situation is hindering that. If anyone has any advice, on what I should do, say, or how I should respond to this situation…please, please let me know!
Hi Friends
I got married last year, I have one Sister-in-Law who is unmarried and 24yrs old and one Brother-in-law who is 29yrs. My husband is the eldest in his family. My in-laws are money minded persons and very selfish. For my husband they are important than me, he used to share all the things with his sister and parents. My husband always used to listen to his sister and parents words, they have given lots of trouble in my life. He is a good person and even their parents also manageable but my husband always fight, hit me badly listening to his sister words, she is ruling my family like anything.
Many times i spoke to husband about my feeling and expectation. I spoke to my husband bout the boundary level for the in-laws between us but for him they are important than me. I love him so much but i want to live him happily. Because of this behavior of my husband iam not at all happy in my marriage life.
Someone kindly help how to tackle my sister-in-law.
What I’ve learned is that you and your husband need to be on the same page. Really that is the biggest thing that needs to be tackled, then the rest can fall into place.
I have to say this has been very helpful to read. My husband is a major mama’s boy most of the time we get along with his mother. However this year her oldest son is getting married and she basicly put a down payment on a rental house for a week and then called to tell us we were staying with them and paying for half the house without even asking if we had rented a place she has us sleeping in seperate beds for 9 days planning and paying for all meals and driving 16 hours /paying for all the gas. While her and her husband ‘catch a ride with ya’ll’. I seem to be the only person to see a problem with this and when I told my husband I had a problem with the entire situation I got nasty phone calls from everyone in the family wanting to know ‘why I’m trying to keep my husband from his family.’ As if expecting someone 5 years into a happy marriage to sleep apart and foot the bill for your entire vacation is normal and I’m evil for saying costs should be split down the middle or we will rent our own place and drive ourselves.
This hit very close to home as I read it. I am not yet married but have been in a very serious relationship for over 3 years. My bf and I share a home, bills, responsibilities, time, and love with eachother equally. My family respects our time and decisions that we make together and have never intervened or made him feel in any way disrespected. His family, however, mainly his sisters, have completely invaded our privacy and disrespected me in various occasions. They have never agreed with me on anything, always override any plans or suggestions I make when it comes to my bf and our relationship. If I tell them something or reassure them that I will handle something, such as cooking or going to the doctor with him they will right away go and tell him like I never said a word to them. They do not let me speak when there is a conversation going on, if they do, they never let me finish, they cut me off and go against whatever it is I am saying. Even when I express something that I personally like, such as a food item, they will oppose it. It is completely unnecessary for anyone to do that at any time. Because of this, I stay quiet most of the time and act like I am invisible. They don’t like that either saying I’m too quiet. It really is impossible to spend any time with them. I have been avoiding them for quite some time now and my bf prefers to stay with me rather than go see them. They think I am holding him back from his family which is not the case. Whenever they need a favor from him they don’t care to ask if he is busy or can do it, they just demand that he does it and usually he goes and does it. Even on our days off which is the only time we get to be together they intrude and practically force him to go out to help them with something. I feel like saying something to them myself but feel it is HIS responsibility to put a stop to their intrusive, disrespectful ways. As a man though, he prefers to just avoid the situation in the hopes that it will disappear. It is getting worse and I don’t know how to make him understand that. He tells me to talk to them myself and explain how I feel. I don’t feel comfortable doing so. Should I talk to them myself? Should HE talk to them for me? Should we talk to them together? I do not want to keep avoiding them or not going with him to visit because i know it makes him unhappy that we cannot be in the same room but I don’t want to keep holding back tears of frustration and being stepped on by them either. Help!
You need to find out what your boundaries are for yourself in order to protect the mental, physical, emotional and financial well-being of you and your offspring. If your husband cannot come into agreement, that will be your biggest problem. However, stick with your own boundaries being sure to communicate them as necessary and enforce consequences for crossing your boundaries. I’m in a similar situation and, for me, unfortunately that has resulted in separation because my BF wouldn’t allow me to set boundaries with his family.
I cannot tell you what should or shouldn’t be done because it is whatever works for the both of you. Like, I think it’s very important that my BF be able to stand up to his family or whomever if he sees they are mistreating me. It makes me feel very insignificant if he just ignores it and expects me to deal with it myself.
Hi, I’m so glad I found this website because boy do I need to vent. My husband and I are fairly newlywed. Our relationship is awesome… The problem is his parents. I thought I was going to have the best in laws ever…until we were seriously dating. Good news is..if it can be called that..he doesn’t get along with them either. So we don’t argue about them..they do however maker us feel horrible. Guiltripping us all the time for not coming over…not inviting them..calling etc. well we would if they werent so critical. They don’t really meddle in our marriage but I know it makes my husband feel the worst. Idk what to do..i don’t feel bad about all that because were not close. But ten again I feel like we need to justify everytging. Ridiculous! They feel ‘ hurt’ all the time for idk what! Ugh.saying we are not thoughtful. Help!
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so i have a soon to be sis n law. My fiance has 4 sister the older one hates me. Weve gotten into after a year of me just sitting back and letting her say her rude comments and giving me dirty looks. She has said stuff over the phone or over the computer that i would never say but right when where face to face at a family event she always comes up to me and says sorry ive even told her i was sorry before when i only started defending myself but she will then be ok with me for like a month then goes right back to her old ways i just started ignoring her for awhile so then there was no way for her to have anything rude to say to me but she still managed to this has been going on for 5 years and i dont have the slightest idea on what to do about her
i am married for 6 years and have two kids (4& 1 1/2yrs. one year after our marrage, (i was working abroad) my FIL proposed and advised to buy a plot of land for housing from his eldest son -BIL. I paid the money for the plot and construction of the sub-structure. i tried the best i can to get even the empty plot. ALL the family- in-laws know the issue. i believe my wife tried everything. this is full four years. the BIL always says tomorrow, give me three days. now a days he don’t answer his phone. even if i call 1000 times. what do you advise
Any suggestions on what to do if everytime my father-in-law or naval instructor makes a suggestion my husband usually decides that it’s the best course to take despite our discussion and realization that it might not really be best?
My husband and I have been together now for 10 years. We lived with my in-laws (his parents) since then together with our 3 boys. There are many ups and downs throughout the years but this last year is the worst. My husband has been paying for the mortgage since his father has not worked for 20 years, he can’t afford to pay it anymore. His mom, I think I am getting along with better now. I know what she wants and it is easy to please her. The dad is on the other hand, is probably feel useless because of not working and not contributing to the house. To make it worse, he is such a hoarder that he does not want to throw things away. For him, everything still have value (the same amount he paid for before). My husband and I are spending a lot of money trying to make improvements to the house so that it could look presentable. How can I help to let him go of this things? My husband wants me to talk to him but I feel like that should be his job since we both want to get the house clean up.