1. Obey their demands. Give in to their tantrums. Deny them nothing. If they want it, indulge them. Make sure they know you will always be there to get them out of trouble. If they break a toy or wreck a car, replace it.
2. Overlook, defend, or rescue them from the consequences of their negative behavior. Accept their excuses or blame others by saying things such as, “My child would never do that!”, “It can’t be her fault; it must be the school’s fault!”, or “The other child made him do it.”
3. Disregard moral principles. Be dishonest. Involve your children in lying or cheating others and taking pleasure in the misfortune of others. Encourage insecurity by telling them to keep secrets from other family members or family secrets from others.
4. Avoid touching, hugging, and taking time to interact with your children. Deny the existence of their emotional and social needs. Discourage them from expressing feelings and isolate them from friends, organizations, and activities. Disregard their physical needs.
5. Ignore their worthwhile and constructive habits. Avoid complimenting or praising their efforts. When they have done something well, make fun of it. Belittle their ideas, interests, and accomplishments. Dwell on their weaknesses. Expect them to fail. Express hopelessness in their ability to succeed or to cope positively with life’s stresses.
6. Pretend you never make mistakes or have problems. Expect perfection from your children. Judge them harshly if they make a mistake or misbehave. Never forgive, but instead hurt and degrade them by yelling, blaming, shaming, whipping, humiliating, or threatening to abandon them.
7. Establish and enforce tough, rigid rules. Discourage thought and questions by demanding that they do what you want, when you want it done. Never help them think of ways to work through their own problems. Demonstrate your distrust of them by questioning everything they do, and discount their right to privacy and independence as they mature.
8. Keep children constantly on guard by being unpredictable. Become angry at an action one day and laugh at it the next. Avoid any kind of routine. Let them decide when to eat and sleep. Allow them to watch television continually without your supervision or guidance. Avoid traditions. Rarely eat dinner as a family. Treat them differently. Have a “favorite” child who can do no wrong and a “bad” child who can do no right.
9. Remain uninformed about drugs and drug use. If you smoke, drink alcohol excessively, or use other drugs, make excuses and deny your own use. Never discuss your attitudes or feelings about drugs. Disregard the facts concerning the negative effects drugs have on the mind and body.
10. Above all else, discount your own value as a human being. Communicate anger and resentment toward life. Engage in self-indulgent, self-destructive behaviors.
Related Posts:
What Parents Owe Their Children
12 Rules For Raising Delinquent Children
A Sense of Entitlement
What It Means to “Let Go”
A Child’s Ten Commandments For Parents
How to Build Self-Confidence in Children and Teens
Are You An Enabler? Early Warning Signs of Enabling Behaviors
Zero Tolerance for Disrespectful, Cussing Kids
Parents Guide to Surviving the Teen Years
Raising Children With Tough Love
(Used with permission by Leah Davies @ KellyBear.com)
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18 responses so far ↓
1 Jeff@MySuperChargedLife (3 comments.) // Aug 19, 2008 at 7:32 am
This is a great list of what not to do! I especially like, “Overlook, defend, or rescue them from the consequences of their negative behavior. ” Why do so many parents do this and think they are doing a good thing?
You have to let your children learn about consequences when the stakes aren’t too high. Otherwise, when they get to be adults and you can’t protect them anymore, they will make some stupid mistakes that will cost them dearly.
Great post!
2 wilson (27 comments.) // Aug 19, 2008 at 7:38 am
Nice article, you have managed to list out the top 10 ways to lead our next generation involve in the drug abuse…
I was wondering, when will the parents started to know about the mistakes that they have made…
3 Lin (1019 comments.) // Aug 19, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Jeff, the rescuing them from their negative behavior is definitely a big problem that I write about so often, using a variety of titles to really zero in on the topic. It’s definitely a topic that I’m extremely passionate about, to say the least.
4 Lin (1019 comments.) // Aug 19, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Hi Wilson, I wish I knew the answer to your question. So many parents have the attitude that they need to be friends with their kids and basically allow their kids to do as they please with no restrictions or supervisions at all. Then they wonder why they get a knock on the door at 2 a.m. from the police.
5 Matt from MMA Gyms (1 comments.) // Aug 19, 2008 at 9:20 pm
In a survey I read about, kids who never took drugs were asked why they didnt give into the peer pressure. They said that they didn’t want to let down their parents. I thought this was an outstanding answer and indicative of awesome parenting!
6 Lin (1019 comments.) // Aug 19, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Matt, I love that! Some kids really do make their parents proud. Peer pressure is an enormous problem for kids and teens especially, and it’s wonderful to hear stories about kids who have never used drugs and have such great parents! Thanks for sharing that!
7 Kelly@SHE-POWER (5 comments.) // Aug 21, 2008 at 1:39 am
This is a list not only for how to turn your kids onto drugs, but how to raise damaged, irresponsible adults who have no respect for themselves or anyone else. The scary thing is so many people I see today with primary age children (probably teens too) are guilty of numbers 1 and 2. Their children don’t hit, lie, steal, bully or tease other kids - oh no they’re perfect and you and your kid are always the problem.
My 4 year old recently got caught out in a lie and it coincided with the first time I discovered him taking something that wasn’t his. I didn’t freak out because I know it’s pretty standard developmental stuff and I encouraged my son to own up to his actions so we could talk about why we don’t lie or steal. When I mentioned this to some friends with kids aged 4-7 they all said “Oh little Susie/Johnny etc doesn’t lie to me” and acted like my kid is the only child in the universe to ever do these things. Part of me was a little upset, but mostly I was astounded they could be so ignorant of normal child development. One even said her children never fight, which I for one have seen.
Anyway, I loved this post. Stumbled!
Kelly
8 Lin (1019 comments.) // Aug 21, 2008 at 5:26 am
Kelly, you are so right in how many parents of young children (and teens) have the misguided idea that their child is “little miss innocent” and doesn’t do anything wrong. Even when teachers or school officials call the parents or request a meeting, these same parents just deny their child’s guilt, even when there were several first-hand witnesses.
9 raising children, raising parents // Aug 21, 2008 at 6:29 am
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11 Valerie // Sep 19, 2008 at 10:15 am
This is an awesome article! I wish that I can e-mail it to the X so that he could understand that this is what his behavior will cause!
12 Lin (1019 comments.) // Sep 21, 2008 at 10:09 am
Hi Valerie, thank you for the compliment. All these behaviors lead to many problems while raising children, teens etc to adulthood. It’s no wonder why parents are having so much difficulty understanding the issues of “helping vs. enabling” I write so much about. If only parents would realize they are cause and reason why kids are lazy and unmotivated when they become adults and parents want and expect their then-grown kids to be independent and living on their own. Surprise! It doesn’t work that way in the real world.
13 J @ Octamom // Oct 2, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Really clever way to bring the point home! Great post!
Blessings!
14 Lin (1019 comments.) // Oct 3, 2008 at 10:15 am
Hi J, thank you for the compliment. Welcome to Telling It Like It Is.
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17 Carole (4 comments.) // Nov 18, 2008 at 11:43 am
This post made me want to cry.
Letting your kids live with the consequences of their actions is very difficult sometimes. My daughter is living through one now, and it tears my heart out.
It’s not anything really terrible. She doesn’t use drugs, or anything like that. She just made a bad decision and has to live with it for a while. It’s tough.
18 Lin (1019 comments.) // Nov 21, 2008 at 6:35 am
Carole, children have to be allowed to deal with the consequences of their choices and decisions, no matter how hard it is to stand by as a parent and watch. Parents must not rescue their kids from consequences of poor choices, as this only teaches children, teens and adult children that they can do whatever they want regardless of what it is, because mom and/or dad will come running to the rescue every single time and get them out of the trouble they brought on themselves.
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