RSS Feeds: Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members
Would you know if you were in a toxic relationship? Are you dealing with toxic family members or people in your life who manage to drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled, ridiculed or confused? Are you dealing with conflicts and problems because of a toxic parent, sibling, co-worker, spouse, friend, toxic in-laws
Most of us could write a laundry list of names of people who make us feel miserable whenever we’re around them, spewing their noxious negative attitudes, behaviors and gossip like nauseating toxic waste. Have you ever wondered what makes toxic people tick, or why some family members have the tendency and inane ability to be two-faced in their relationships with others in the family?
Who Are Toxic People?
Toxic people are extremely negative, miserable, whiny, jealous, inconsiderate, financially irresponsible and entitled, manipulative, narcissistic, selfish, disrespectful, gossip mongers, mentally and emotionally abusive bullies who have no boundaries. Everyone and anyone is fair game for toxic people, with toxic relationships creating undo stress and anxiety for everyone involved. If you are dealing with these problems and conflicts in your life, know that you are not alone.
According to mental health specialists and psychologists, toxic people are “highly insecure people who only feel better about themselves if they make others feel worse, and they make up about ten percent of the population. A toxic person, including family members and in-laws, cause over 50% of all communication and relationship stress in others, health problems such as headaches, stomach pain and digestive problems, due to negative baggage brought on from low-esteem”.
Understanding how low self-confidence and low self-esteem causes some people to grow up to become toxic adults may help you feel better about yourself. However, having some understanding, compassion and empathy for bad childhood experiences and memories that continue to fester and linger in their personalities does not change the fact that their toxic attitudes and behaviors will continue until you stop allowing them to hurt you and your life.
Toxic people are this way because they can and often do get away with it, and it works well for them. If it didn’t work, and work very well, they wouldn’t continue doing it.
Toxic People Will…if not dealt with:
- Rob us of our dignity.
- Destroy our self-confidence.
- Increase our stress levels.
- Cause health problems.
- Destroy our morale.
- Destroy family relationships.
- Foster negativity.
- Decrease productivity.
- Get you fired from your job.
- Drive you to bankruptcy.
How to Deal With Toxic People and Family Members:
Recognize that toxic people have issues within themselves, and their toxicity has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. In life, everyone has to take personal responsibility for their own choices, attitudes, actions and behaviors. Toxic people do not do this. You become their personal target. They habitually turn things around and manipulate you to the point where you feel bad, you feel guilty, you feel like you are at fault, therefore responsible for their problems.
You may even begin to feel like you’re “going crazy” or “losing your mind”, wondering if you have become the victim of a psychopath desperately trying to manipulate and control you. Once you recognize the toxic behaviors that are engulfing your life and health, it allows you to take your power back.
Keep emotionally toxic people from ruining your health and happiness by setting limits and personal boundaries, assertively speaking up for yourself, and standing your ground. Don’t make someone else’s problems your own, but physically and mentally distance yourself from the negative and toxic people in your life, which may or may not include cutting the person out of your life entirely.
Knowing what it means to “let go” of negative people, along with their personal demons and issues, allows you the strength and determination needed to live your life without the constant barrage of criticism that can easily erode your own self-esteem, health and well-being.
Dealing with family members and in-laws can be especially difficult and stressful. If there are family members or in-laws that treat you like their personal doormat, criticizing and ridiculing you for everything and anything, you may have to consider putting a strict limit on how often you associate with them, if at all.
Holidays and special occasions can quickly become a dread, where just the thought of being around toxic relatives or friends causes your blood pressure to rise to unhealthy levels. You have the right to decide who to associate with and who not to associate with, who is or isn’t invited or welcome to step foot into your home, including toxic family members.
Toxic people
Surround yourself with positive influences, people who genuinely care about you and are supportive of you. These loved ones are a great defense and support group against the negativity of all kinds of toxic relationships or toxic family members, allowing you to choose for yourself to no longer be a victim of their malicious and abusive behaviors.
See: People Pleasers and Doormats as well as Abused Men: Battered and Emotionally Abused Male Victims of Domestic Violence for more.
Are you dealing with problems and conflicts of being in a toxic relationship? Do you struggle with how to respond and react to ridicule and criticism from toxic family members? Share your personal story or even ask a question by leaving a comment below.
Related Posts:
A Sense of Entitlement
12 Rules for Raising Delinquent Children
Building Self-Confidence in Children with Self-Esteem Activities
The Sociopath Next Door – The Ruthless vs. Us
Characteristics of a Psychopath
Relationship Deal Breakers: Non-Negotiable Boundaries
Understanding Assertiveness: Getting the Respect You Deserve
What It Means to “Let Go”
How to Get Along With the In-Laws
How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law
Similar Posts:
- How to Get Along With the In-Laws: Dealing With In-Laws and Extended Family
- Most Popular Blog Posts 2008 at Telling It Like It Is
- People Pleasers and Doormats Care What People Think About Them
- Understanding Assertiveness: Getting The Respect You Deserve
- How to Be a Good Daughter-In-Law: Building a Great Daughter-In-Law Relationship With Your Mother-In-Law
[...] Burress presents Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members posted at Telling It Like It [...]
Wow. This is really good stuff. I’m going to have to print it out and let my wife read it – she and I both are dealing with a couple of toxic people in our lives. So true about every one of those characteristics, and how well they can manipulate you into feeling like scum, all the while making themselves appear to be flawless.
Very interesting post! While it is fairly easy to just write off toxic people in your environment, it is a heck of a lot more complicated when it is a family member. I actually put an end to a 15 year relationship because of a toxic mother-in-law. She may not have been the only cause but she sure was a decisive factor. Thanks for thoughful post.
Hi Tom, I’m glad you found this article to be helpful in dealing with toxic people; everyone has a toxic person they have to deal with in some way, so hopefully this provides some information that can help.
I’ve been dealing with my toxic sister my whole life, but I never looked at it this way before, I always thought it was something to do with me. that there was something wrong with me that I couldnt see. I was raised by my grandparents, but I’ve always had my biological mom and siblings in my life, scince we were little my younger sister loves to make my life misrable, she’s always pushing in my face how much better her life is then mine, how mom kept her and not me, and how she gets everything she wants with a flip of her hair. 2 years ago I met my biological dad and my other 3 sisters that I didnt know exsisted and ever scince, the “relationship” I’ve had with my sister on my moms side has gone down hill even more, now she wont even talk to me, and looks at me as if I’m the biggest POS in the world. I’m so tired of feeling like this, I’ve lived my whole life trying to get some kind of approval from her.
I can see now that I need to push her out of my life, although we do live in diffrent states I think this is going to be a hard step for me, mostly because I’m still trying to have some sort of relationship with my biological mom and my sister lives with her and comes to visit with her once a year, but this year I really dont want my sister to come, I decided this a few months ago, but I know she will, my mom always brings her and my little brother with her every time she visits. do you have any suggestions of how I should go about getting away from my sister without hurting the relationship I’m trying to have with my mom? I feel like if I try to push my sister away my mom will take her side and I’ll end up without both of them, I’ve tried talking to my sister and working things out but I’ve been waiting 2 months for a reply from her and still nothing. I just dont know how I should deal with this any more. can you please help?
Hi Krystal,
Your sister has you jumping through hoops. She has you believing that you are the problem in the relationship, even though she’s done everything she possibly can to bring you down. The mental games she’s been playing on you throughout your life is a lot more than simple “sibling rivalry”.
You have done all you can to try and bring some resolution to the relationship with her but she hasn’t bothered to reply for two months. That should tell you not to bother anymore and to just “let go” of her.
You have to be the one to assertively stand up for yourself, your mental and emotional wellbeing, by explaining to your mother that you love the time you spend with your mom and brother and look forward to each of those visits. But, sister is not welcome anymore and may not come for the visits anymore. Sister is not welcome in your home.
Tell your mom that you are not asking her or wanting her to take sides in the problems between you and your sister, but that your relationship with your mom and brother must be kept separate and private from your sister. Even if your mom asks for specific situations, do not spend time discussing the problems with your mom because she will inevitably attempt to jump through hoops to persuade you the other way. She’s a mom.
If she asks, explain to her that you won’t burden her with all the details and that the problems are between you and your sister and want to leave it there. Don’t give in if she persists to get information. It will go nowhere fast. Simply explain to your mom that you need her to respect your wishes in regards to your sister being brought along for visits. Ask her specifically at some point in the conversation IF she will abide by your wishes and not bring your sister when she and your brother come for visits.
If you feel or are given reason to believe that your mom will STILL bring your sister for visits (even on the sly), then consider making adjustments on how the visits take place and where. You go there instead of them coming to you. You stay somewhere other than at their house (even a hotel is better than chaos) and make specific arrangements for where, when, how etc you’ll meet to spend time together. Always have your own transportation. Always. If your wishes are not respected, you have the ability to walk out and drive away in your own rental car if necessary.
Work on your assertiveness – don’t be anyone’s Doormat, whether it’s your sister or perhaps your mom wanting “the perfect family” etc. Be ready, willing and able to leave situations that go against what you need for good health and happiness. Even if others don’t agree, approve or show respect for your wishes and needs.
Thank you so much Lin. I am taking every word to heart and will have that conversation with my mom, I am at my witts end with my sister, I just hope she will listen and respect my decisions. again thanks so much, its greatly appreciated!
Thank you Krystal for your story. I have 3 toxic sisters who are jealous of everything I have accomplished. No matter how much I have tried to help them they still hate to see me happy. They were the first ones to offer me drugs when we were younger, unfortunately, I accepted it because of wanted to be apart of them. They talked about me worse than anyone else for being on drugs. Fortunately, I have overcome my addiction with people who care about me. They even called me one day and told me that they were glad that I had heart failure and a stroke but God has brought me through again and I am well. I decided to distance myself from them. Sometimes I still feel a little bit down because things are this way but not as bad as when I was around them all the time. I do not share with them that my doctor says I am well enough to go back to work and what my plans are anymore. I realize I should have did this a long time ago. The fact that I am doing it is what is important. Thank you for letting me share and I wish the best to everyone else going through this. I love myself again.
U.L., mother-in-law problems are so common, and it’s unfortunate that these relationships become toxic and marriages are affected and ended. Sometimes people just have to do what they have to do, including ending relationships as you mentioned.
[...] Toxic Relationships: Toxic Family Members How to Fight Fair in Marriage How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage How to Spice Up Your Marriage: Fun and Easy Ways to Add Romance to Your Relationship How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us Understanding Assertiveness: Getting the Respect You Deserve What Does it Mean to Leave and Cleave in Traditional Wedding Vows? [...]
[...] Toxic Relationships: Toxic Family Members [...]
This post hits the nail on the head.
I know . . . I’ve lived it and recently distanced myself from a family member because I decided that I could no longer tolerate the toxicity.
Actually, her husband is even more toxic than her but she allows him to put her down in front of me, walk all over her, use her, and generally be a big old’ obnoxious blowhard while she sits there and does nothing for herself or those around her.
Years and years of being manipulated and told half-truths finally took a toll on me. I got tired of hanging up the phone and feeling bad about myself and my family every time I spoke to her because, of course, everything she does is right and her children are perfect while neither my children nor I can do anything right.
Most importantly, I got tired of being sent a very clear message by her: Her friends are more important to her than her family.
So . . . sadly, I had to remove myself from the situation for the sake of my own physical and mental health. Ironically, everyone in town talks to me about how lovely, gracious, generous, etc. she is and what a wonderful hostess. That’s because they don’t see the real person — the true self she shows only to her family. For instance, she installed a pool at her house a few years ago. All of her friends have been over for pool parties, and her kids have had their friends over numerous times. We’ve never been invited and her kids have never invited my kids to swim. When I told someone that recently, she just stared at me. I truly don’t think that she believed me.
As you said, toxic people get away with their behavior because they fool a lot of people.
Not me. Not any more.
Great article!
Agree with comment above. I am taking your advice with my 2 sisters both toxic and 10 years older than me. My father passed away yesterday and both decided the arrangements without me. No service will be held. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back and will no longer speak to either one of them forever. I have taken physical, verbal, mental abuse all my life and I don’t need their validation on me any more. They are both deceptive and charming with others but the minute the doors are closed are abusive to me to no end. Now I am choosing to close the door to our relationship.
Zoey,
I’m sooo sorry about losing your father yesterday. To have to deal with the loss of a parent is heartbreaking to say the least, but to not even be included in what arrangements or service of some kind would be held must be really tough to handle.
Sometimes it’s necessary for our health and wellbeing to drop relationships completely, and from what you said you’ve been through with your sisters, it sounds as though disengaging from them (for however long you feel is needed) will help you in many ways. We’re all sending you hugs as you grieve and remember your dad during this tough time. Hang in there!
JHS, wow! A lot of people, especially family members, have a real hard time wrapping their mind around the idea that it’s sometimes necessary to completely detach from the toxic people in their lives.
As unfortunate as it is that families deal with these kinds of problems with other family members, when there should be love and respect shown amongst everyone in the family, the toxic people cannot be allowed to damage or destroy our own self esteem and good health, and everyone must accept their own right to choose whether to associate with them or not.
Having children around toxic people on a regular basis can easily destroy all the good parenting done, and sometimes kids will pick up toxic behaviors from those around them, and then even more problems arise for parents to have to deal with.
[...] Burress presents Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members posted at Telling It Like It [...]
I wish I had read this article years ago. My future in laws fit this description to the T. My fiance and I were just dealing with the fact that maybe we need to avoid them completely. We thought it was harsh but now we realize we need to do this to save our relationship and our happiness. As I kept reading on I was like oh my yes, that’s it, they are that way. It’s refreshing to know it’s them and NOT ME. I knew it all along but it’s nice to have some guided advice.
Hi Michelle, toxic people really take a toll on relationships and marriages. It’s good that you and your fiance’ have already talked about these problems and are prepared to take active steps to disengage from such people.
It is not harsh to avoid toxic family who cause stress, anxiety and numerous problems for others in the family. It just might ensure your marriage lasts a long time by doing so. Good luck!
It’s really difficult to draw the line and put toxic people, especially if they are close family or friends, out of lives. A lot of people consider it loyalty, but at the same time, it seems like continuing to take their toxicity without any punishment (in the form of isolating them) almost encourages the behavior to go on and on. Maybe if enough people stood up to them and said “I can’t take your behavior anymore,” they would find motivation to change.
Hi Kristi, dealing with toxic family members is especially difficult but some people simply have no other choice but to completely avoid them altogether.
Some have even decided to move away from family, some even hundreds of miles away, just to be able to get rid of the toxicity they are experiencing that is driving them nuts.
I was recently asked if toxic people know they are toxic? I replied by email telling them that people that are this way simply don’t care to know if they are or not. They just want what they want, and they don’t care who gets hurt in the process, nor do they take into consideration how it affects marriages and relationships. Simply put, they are too selfish minded to care.
We have an award winning toxic “be-otch” in our family. For years she soured parties and dominated games and caused unecessary argumentsand hurt feelings. It caused our family to slowly all avoid any get togethers at all. Then I got mad! I thought I was “keeping the peace” by allowing her behavior to go unchalleged but we were all getting walked all over. So my neice and I had a pow-wow & decided we would have our family gatherings and simply point out any stupid manipulating she tried and stop it “dead in it’s tracks. Of course this caused some tense situations a few times but the toxic person has become quieter and often doesn’t attend our gatherings. It’s been wonderful! Some times you just gotta stop them from the game they like to play.
wow. thank you. i am dealing with the toxicity of jealous family members and i am happy to know i am not alone. they play “victim” to generate sympathy from others and it doesn’t matter whose expense it is at. as a mother of two young children now, i realize i must figure out how to deal with this effectively. it is very hard to ignore their antics, but i realize more and more that if i let their mean comments and bad attitudes affect me, they beat me. in order for me to succeed, i must learn to dismiss their behaviors for the meaningless nonsense it really is.
thank you for this article and allowing me to vent.
Candeelady, it’s great that you found a solution to the problem your family was experiencing and that it’s been much more peaceful for family gatherings since speaking up. Good for you!
Donna, I’m glad this article helped you. Having young children seeing and hearing this sort of nonsense from family members can actually teach kids to become toxic themselves as they grow up, especially when they find the antics of others actually working to their own selfish advantage.
Such a help!!! I was starting to think I was the crazy one. Thank you, Thank you!!
I’m in a tricky situation…I’m slowing coming around to the conclusion that my wife,whom I love, has many of the traits of a toxic person. I try very hard to make her happy and do what she wants, and it’s never enough. I am routinely put down and devalued, and I have a tough time thinking of the last time she said something nice to me. I’m very far from perfect, but damn, I try hard. She refuses marriage counseling–I’ve begged, but she says she doesn’t want to have someone tell her she’s wrong. She’s talked abourt leaving, and I don’t want my marriage to end, but it would be something of a relief. I don’t want a divorce, mainly b/c we have 4 kids, and I hate what that would do to them (fortunately she saves most of the toxicity for me and spares them). And sometimes, for no good reason I can tell, she stops and things are good for a few days–and then they’re very good. But it never lasts. I’m frustrated and don’t know what to do. I’m telling myself that it’s not me–I can’t be THAT bad.
But the positive self-talk seems like it can only help so much…
Hi Matthew, definitely a tough situation for anyone to endure. From what you’ve said, it sure seems as though your wife is the one “calling all the shots” so to speak, AND is being mentally and emotionally abusive towards you, her own husband.
Children learn what they live, and whether or not she inflicts her toxicity directly at the kids, you can bet they know about and feel what has been going on in their home within the deepest parts of their souls.
Divorce is sometimes the only solution to save yourself and your sanity. And your children’s mental and emotional health; and don’t forget the well known fact that children who are raised in abusive homes have a very high chance of becoming abusive partners themselves as adults.
I can’t tell you what to do in your situation Matt. It’s your choice to decide what to do. Just keep in mind that either choice has its own consequences for the kids especially. Which would be better and which would be worse?
I wish I would have read this article earlier. My father recently passed away and my aunt and cousin are expecting me to respect and welcome his abusive girlfriend. He was with her for fifteen years and in those fifteen years, she was so cruel to me. They don’t respect the fact that I want to distance myself from her. They think I’m just being mean and won’t believe me when I try to explain why I want nothing to do with this toxic woman. I’m thinking of cutting off not only this woman, but my aunt and cousin as well. Having toxic people in your life isn’t good for you, mentally and physically.
Megan, I’m very sorry for your loss. Losing your dad and having to deal with toxic people in your life all at the same time has got to be very difficult.
Life is too short to waste time with people who are abusive in one form or another. You have every right to distance yourself from those you have found to be hurtful and abusive towards you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Do whatever you feel you must do to not be bullied by people, and the fact that the girlfriend was with your father for 15 years has nothing to do with what your personal experience has been with her. Respect your own boundaries and don’t allow anyone to pressure you into doing anything with this woman that you don’t feel comfortable about. Hugs Megan!
[...] Burress presents Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members posted at Telling It Like It Is, saying, “Dads and mom’s alike can relate to dealing [...]
[...] Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members How to Get Along With the In-Laws How to Fight Fair in Marriage How to Spice Up Your Marriage Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us [...]
Toxic people, well I must say I stumbled on it by sheer chance. It reminded me of my boss, He was the worst ever human being to deal with. He would try to bring down at each single moment he got. I think people who are toxic really have or suffered a mishap in one area of their lives. People who do that again are victims of their own circumstances and being a toxin to other people is their way of ‘release’. But I am glad coz’ I am human enough to stand on my two feet and ‘detox’ all the toxins in my ’system’ for me to function effectively. So my advise is for us all to detoxify all the toxics and start anew. But don’t hate while you at it because you will turn toxic yourself.
Toxic people are everywhere, and we encounter them in every area of our lives, including our jobs, relatives and neighbors.
It really is all about using our own backbone and standing up to the toxic people or toxic family members that are driving us nuts. Life is simply too short to stand around being bullied by people, even if they are family members and extended relatives.
[...] stress in your marriage due to their own false expectations of time spent together; conflicts and arguments with toxic family members over where holidays and special occasions will be spent; disagreements over how grandchildren [...]
[...] Before Marriage – Questions to Ask Before Getting Married Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members How to Fight Fair in Marriage How to Spice Up Your Marriage How to Get Along With the In-Laws: [...]
I finally stood up to a toxic family member who is manipulative and tries to invalidate other people’s feelings.
She was yelling at me about something that had happened between me and another person, and I couldn’t get a word in edge wise I finally just told her to lower her voice and she hung up on me. , The relationship has changed and commnication has decreased which is probably a good thing. I will be cordial and polite, but that’s about all. I am tired of the manipulation and constantly being “thrown under the bus.”
I know that I will have to deal with her at family functions by being polite, but how do I get out of famly camping trips which my husband looks forward to? I don’t want to spend 4 days with this person.
T, this sort of thing happens all the time with toxic people making life difficult for everyone around them, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it.
Is this camping trip just between you, your husband/children and the toxic person/spouse? Is it limited to a very small group, perhaps only the four of you, or are there other family members involved which make the trip a large event?
How does your husband feel and react to the problems associated with the toxic person? Does your husband know and understand how stressful it is to be around this obnoxious person? Would he be willing to consider camping trips without this person being invited along?
Can you invite other couples, other family members, close friends to make up a group that will ensure everyone (especially you) can and will enjoy going camping rather than dread it? Have you discussed with your husband the possibility that you may decide not to go on the trip if this person is going too?
T, it really comes down to making a decision, personally and as a couple, what behavior you are willing to tolerate vs. what is completely unacceptable, to the point where you may have to decide for yourself and your own health and peace of mind that you choose to “have other plans” that weekend. Perhaps a girlfriends weekend trip in the opposite direction that “just happens” to fall on the same weekend as the camping trip.
Hi Lin,
Thanks for your reply.
This trip is for family and friends. My husband may go by himself for a couple of days which I am OK with. He really enjoys hanging out with his friends.
I normally do enjoy these trips but the last trip was very negative and not much fun. I think a lot of it is that I had not been assertive with this person until now, so her efforts of manipulation really bothered me.
I just don’t need the drama especially when I am stuck out there with her.
There is another friend who goes that is toxic as well. Between the two of them, I am miserable.
Tonight I had another incident where we happen to be together and she got upset with me because I was asked by another family member to give my opinion on how something was written. I gave a suggestion to make it flow better and she took it personally and walked away. I can’t win!!!
I just took the high road, and acted cordial and polite. Although she did not say goodbye to me and was obviously trying to avoid me, I took the lead and said my goodbyes to her.
I think I will have to continue to minimize my contact with her. This is a shame but I don’t want or need the added stress in my life.
She,of course, will tell everyone her side of everything and I just hope that my true friends and family members will take it with a grain of salt and stand by me.
Thanks again for your reply.
T
Hi T, being assertive (especially with toxic people) is an absolute must, and I’m glad you’re standing up to her. Don’t be surprised if she tries other tactics to get under your skin now that she knows you won’t just sit quiet and take her abuse. Isn’t it great to have a strong backbone?
Hopefully other family members realize how she is and won’t believe her lies and manipulations. They may see her for who she really is, but they may not have a specific word to attach to her like “toxic”. A lot of people have the tendency to just look at the symptoms of lying, manipulating, gossiping etc and not yet have a word for it in their minds. Toxic people do drive people nuts, and avoiding them as much as possible helps a lot to reduce if not eliminate the stress. Good luck T.
I am in the process of disengaging abruptly from all 3 of my siblings. I have tried to do this in the past and each time of ‘peace’ (about 3 or 4 months), my physical, emotional, and spiritual health improves dramatically. My father is very ill; decisions need to be made about the house, bringing all 4 of us into contact again over the past 2 weeks. Disaster. I am the ‘mess-up’, yet again and told them off (felt good!) so soundly, I felt nervous and depressed afterward. By supportive family and friends, I did not back down. Now, having reached one by phone (need info about our dad), she seems completely demolished. But, thank God, I finally don’t feel responsible for that. Years and years “they” said all kinds of negative things ‘in concern’ about me to anyone in the extended family. This started over 10 years ago when I started to believe I have been fearfully and wonderfully made and am loved JUST AS I AM by God. No longer their dumping ground, they are quite the unhappy lot. Seriously, I let them ‘have it’ last week, only. I know to be well, to walk forward into joy, I need to leave them all, even if they won’t or cannot acknowledge my ‘good-bye’. I will always feel for them, as they are who I grew up with. But I finally found myself after I stopped letting them define me!! (smile). If anyone is going through a ’sweep’ of rejection, as I have….just know God loves you. And…you can walk away. If you feel desolate, seek counselling. You’ll love knowing you’re a worthwhile individual in your own right!!!
Eileen, I love reading stories of people who finally stand up to toxic people who are destroying relationships and families. It sounds like your backbone is working quite well and you’re not afraid to use it anymore. Good for you! The worst thing people can do when dealing with toxic family members or others they come in contact with is to continue to back down and internalize all the toxicity. Each and every time a person backs down and doesn’t stand up for themselves makes the toxic person feel better! They tear you to shreds with their attitudes and behaviors and viciousness, and they walk away feeling empowered, while the “victim” of the attack walks away feeling like shattered glass. Hello????? What is wrong with this picture? Stand up for yourselves like Eileen has, and show these toxic people you aren’t going to take their abuse anymore! Good job Eileen!
Thanks, Lin. Too many people ‘look the other way’ (myself included) and these folks usually do not WAKE UP on their own. I have one daughter that we’ve (hubby and I) WORKED ON since she was little, since she has had entitlement issues from the age of 3! She could not make and keep relationships throughout much of her life until about 2 years ago. (she is in her 20’s) We put her in intensive therapy (which she LOVED at first, since she craved attention) and kept ‘our’ spine. She is really a terrific woman these days, no longer someone I wish would move far away (she lives at home and attends college locally). She has been one of my staunchest allies, having grown up and watching the family dynamics. If caught early, by an alert parent, this type of behaviour/person can be grown ‘OUT OF IT’, imo. But not without alot of tenacity and steadfastness in not allowing the BS. I actually googled “leaving a toxic family” and found you! Thanks for this article and your ‘cheers’ to all.
Eileen, one of the things I often hear is “I don’t want to make waves” or, “turn the other cheek” and even “just be the better person and ignore it”. Oh please… That sounds like the talk of someone who has regularly and routinely been spineless, PASSIVE to an extreme, or someone with such low self esteem they start shaking internally just thinking about being assertive.
One of the biggest problems I’ve seen or have heard about through private emails from visitors such as yourself Eileen, is that husbands are standing by saying and doing nothing while his family degrades his own wife for one nit-picky thing after another, and then wonders why there are serious problems in the marriage and why the wife is seriously considering divorce.
I mean come on….who would want to stay in a marriage where the husband (or the wife) says or does nothing when their own family members are constantly and routinely attacking their chosen life partner? R.E.S.P.E.C.T or D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
Yeah, I hear that Lin. We (hubs and I) got into counselling 3 years into the marriage. Before then, he always took his family to task for the junk they flung regarding me, but I felt crappy that he wouldn’t break the relationships. I ended up giving an ultimatum. Ended up going by myself 2 or 3 times (counselling); that convinced him I was serious. We learned SOOO MUCH about neurotic and psychotic behaviors; the differences and the similarities. That (the counselling) was so significant in stopping the enabling in my spouse. It was a wonderful feeling to have a professional (and trust me, it was more than one) side with me!!! My husband snapped out of his ‘coma’. I know I would have had to have left him if he chose not to.
It’s amazing how many people we all come into contact with throughout our lives that are sociopaths/psychopaths and people don’t realize until much later just what type of person they are/were dealing with.
[...] 11, 2008, she delved into a subject that struck a chord with me, as well as many other readers: Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members. And it is that post that has earned Lin the Post of the Day [...]
[...] marriage and parenting at TellingItLikeItIs.net and she has written this excellent resource: Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members I found that by just jumping into situations my self confidence has increased significantly. It [...]
I linked over here from Cath’s blog. I had earlier made a statement that toxic family members are those who revel in your misery.
I tried to play peace-maker in my family with a toxic ex-sister for years. What did it cost me? My self-esteem, my confidence, and, ultimately, a viscious law suit after my father died – and she decided after 14 years of not speaking with him that SHE deserved his money.
In a way, that law suit (which she lost, with no chance of appeal) saved my life. Because we COULDN’T talk, as we were both represented by counsel, being sued by her was a blessing. I stopped cringing every time the phone rang. I no longer had to deal with her bullying abuse, and I finally broke away.
If only I had done it 30 years earlier…
Thanks,
Rita
Hi Rita, dealing with toxic people in our lives is incredibly difficult and stressful, but having a toxic family member causing problems really does destroy families. I’m thrilled your sister wasn’t able to win the lawsuit; sounds like your sister definitely fits the description of toxic people feeling “entitled” to whatever they can get, even if they don’t deserve anything at all. Good for you that you stood up and disengaged from the situation, and you’re the better for it as is your health physically, mentally and emotionally. Good job for standing strong and tough!
I really appreciate this article. Unfortunately, my mother is the toxic person in our family. I feel she has destroyed our family. She matches perfectly all of the characteristics of what defines a toxic person. I realize now after reading this article that I have to set some serious boundaries and not allow her to make my life miserable anymore. I love my mother and it saddens me to think that in order for me to live peacefully and happily, I have to limit my association or cut her loose. Things are out of control and yes, I do feel like I am going crazy and my finacial world is upside down. This article was indeed a blessing. For to long my mother has manipulated my sisters, brother and father and has run guilt trips and introduced rediculous dramas into all of our lives. She is not an evil person but a person who was not loved and valued the way little girls should feel. I really do pitty her but only she can heal herself “not I” so she can hopefully have the kind of life full of happiness, peace and stability. This article really addressed some deep feelings of guilt, sadness, and worry that I had weighing heavy in my head.
Thanks for tipping me off to this article. Blended families and toxic people do seem to go hand-in-hand don’t they?
I’ve just begun my efforts to create boundaries – it’s not going over so well with the toxic influences but it’s sure been peaceful around here
Gayla, I was happy to tip you off. When I saw your tweet on Twitter about your situation, I couldn’t help but pop on over and try to give you a boost. Hang in there!
I’ve been dealing with toxic relationships in my immediate family for as long as I can remember. From my mother to my sister, it’s been an extremely difficult thing to deal with. I’m over 40 now and each of them continues to do the same things they have done for years and years, only now, it’s more aggressive now that I am am adut. It’s hurtful and isolating, as if my being a member can somehow be undone. These behaviors have not destroyed the family as much as alienated me from it. What’s most difficult is changing this perception. But every word I say is dissected and scrutinized, so no matter what I do or what I say, no matter how much my heart wants to heal the rift created, somehow, I am still to blame for the lack of a solid foundation between my mother and me as well as my relationship with my sister.
So, I understand the concept of toxicity here far too well. I also understand that no matter how hard I try, it won’t be enough.
Anonymous, toxic people wreak havoc in everyone’s lives, whether it’s toxic family members or others we come in contact with on a daily basis. Being part of a toxic family is especially difficult, as it seems to be never-ending, with no hope in sight for a better relationship.
Putting distance between yourself and the toxic people in your life, including family members such as your mother and/or sister, really is the only way of dealing with these people.
Disengage, disassociate and detach, reminding yourself that you are not to blame for their toxicity and negative attitudes, but that you need to distance yourself in every way possible in order to protect and safeguard your own mental and emotional health.
Maybe, just maybe, some toxic people will get a clue that they have a serious problem of their own when everyone they know no longer accepts their phones, emails, letters, visits anymore. It’s all about them and has nothing to do with you. Hang in there!
Lin: I just had to check back in here . . . I tried to resurrect my relationship with my toxic family member. I sent her flowers on her birthday and arranged to have lunch with her. But it is readily apparent that we cannot have a relationship. Looking into her eyes was like looking into two glaciers — cold as ice or steel, and about as compassionate. Worse, she denied saying some of the things that she has said over the years to the point that she suggested I see a psychiatrist because I am obviously suffering hallucinations. That was it. I got up and left the restaurant with the knowledge that I will not be seeing her again. I simply can’t. I came home, told my husband what she said, and he just stared at me because he clearly remembers the comments &, most importantly, my reactions to them at the time. Ultimately, he announced that he feels sorry for her and is sad for me that it is impossible for me to have a relationship with her, but is relieved not to have to interact with her, either. I’m going to write more about all of this, but wanted to let you know that your article has been very helpful.
JHS, from what you describe about your family member, she definitely fits the description of a toxic person. Everything is your fault, huh? YOU need to see a psychiatrist, huh? Yeah, that’s typical of toxic people for sure.
I’m so proud of you that you had the courage to stand up and walk out of the restaurant. Some people would have just felt beaten down even more, gone home and felt even worse, and even start to second-guess themselves rather than realizing the true origin of the toxicity.
The absolute only way of dealing with toxic family members or any other toxic person in our lives is to disengage, disassociate and detach.
That’s what it takes, and you’re better off without this type person destroying your self confidence and mental/emotional health. I look forward to reading what you have to say about it.
I recently stumbled across the ‘toxic relationships’ definition and WOW was it unbelievable to hear what people had to say – - it matched quite a few people in my life. Unfortunately, my past has consisted of many ‘toxic people’; my parents, boyfriends and I included. As defined, I would have been ‘the drainer’. I had become so involved with so many people in my life that would belittle me, accuse me of cheating, not support me in my goals, etc., I lost all respect and self love and in turn would cling to people for answers and guidance (not my proudest moments) I felt completely crazy. After a lot of counseling, books and time to develop who I actually was, life got tremendously better. I now am dating a guy (John) who is caring, non judgmental, has a nice family and treats me with respect. I feel like I know who I am again and I cannot begin to explain how difficult it was to move on. I felt so incredibly stuck with where my life was. My only issue I have now is John’s two sibling’s are incredibly rude, uncaring, etc ‘toxic’ to him and his/their parents. I hate seeing how John and his parents allow these two to act. They never stick up for themselves and it gets exhausting hearing the drama between them. I have made a few statements about how they should stick up for themselves but respectfully I can only say so much. Any advice?
Hi Jenny,
It’s really a shame that things are going well for you and your boyfriend in your personal relationship, but you are dealing with rude and uncaring behaviors with his two brothers. Wouldn’t it be great if some families at least had NO toxic people in it whatsoever?
“The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior” is a quote I believe so strongly in.
I wish I had a crystal ball to look into the future and tell you whether things will improve with his brothers behaviors towards your boyfriend and his parents. The fact that it continues without any repercussions from the parents in particular tells me that there may be some difficulties with being assertive and having set boundaries on what behaviors are allowable and which are not.
You’re right in that there really isn’t a whole lot you can do about it. You can certainly respectfully discuss your feelings with your boyfriend, and you may want to suggest he read this article.
The real question I would recommend that you consider (especially if you have any hopes of marrying this man) is How much drama are you willing to put up with? “It gets exhausting hearing the drama between them”. Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life listening to what goes on amongst the family? What are your “relationship deal breakers”?
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
This weekend Jon and I went to his parent’s house to make Christmas cookies. Saturday John had his basketball tournament and when we arrived his siblings and their significant others were there. Jon’s sisters husband grabbed John and threatened to punch him, swore and made a big scene in the gym. It was very embracing and of course I was worried for John’s safety. This husband has three restraining orders on him already and always threatens to kill people, including John. I began wondering long term with John, what the consequences would be. This husband is crazy and if he feels fine threatening John what would keep him from threatening John’s kids (my kids)? This guy is someone I would have to deal with my entire life and life is complicated enough as it is. I don’t know what to do about it. I have dealt with scum enough in my life; I don’t want to deal with it any more. I love John, but at what point do you need to step back from the drama of the family to keep your sanity and know it is keeping you and your future family safe?
Jenny, that’s horrible! What are others in the family saying about this guy? What is everyone doing about him if anything? What is your boyfriend saying about the situation? What does John’s sister say and feel about her husband’s behavior and attitude?
If it were me personally, there is no way in heck that I’d continue in a relationship such as this one. Some people believe that loving someone is all that matters in a relationship and/or marriage, but I disagree.
The old saying that when you get married you marry the entire family and everything that goes with it is very true. The good, bad and especially the ugly.
I can’t tell you what to do, you have to decide for yourself if you are willing and interested in staying in a relationship where family violence, threats and abuse is common place. And the fact that no one seems to want to step up and deal with these type situations, preferring to stay quiet in order to “keep the peace”. What peace?! Sounds to me like it’s more a matter of insecurity, zero assertiveness whatsoever, and no willingness to put a great deal of distance between these toxic people and themselves.
Jenny, can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life in such a situation? You’re right to be concerned about the effect this would have on your children. Children live what they learn, and what they would learn being a part of this family is downright scary.
All in all, it’s up to you to decide when you have had enough and get away from all the nonstop drama to enjoy your life in peaceful, harmonious surroundings, with family that is loving and caring about everyone else. This one isn’t it.
Thank you so much for your insite Lin. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have someone else’s opinion on the matter.
Jenny, much luck to you in your decision. It’s a doozy for sure.
Merry Christmas!
For many years mother in laws have worn the label, “Mother In Law from Hell” but we never hear of “Daughter In Law’s from Hell”, and trust me, they’re out there. My son met my future daughter in law in 1995 and the married in 1997. From the second she met me she looked at me like I was vermin and this has never changed regardless of what I’ve done, or tried to do. I have three beautiful grand kids now yet I only know one of them because I kept my first grandchild, a grandson, from the time he was two weeks old until they moved a thousand miles away when he was three and a half. She accused me of being “obsessed” with my grandson and felt he thought I was his “mommy” instead of her…so…off they went. Because she wanted to break this bond I was not allowed to even talk with my grandson over the phone for up to six months, and neither was my oldest son, his uncle, that he had also formed a very loving bond with and called his, “bestest buddy”. My son? Well, he has allowed it unfortunately so it’s been thirteen years of hell not to mention all the “loans” that turned into giveaways over the years. Mother In Laws get a bad rap because who do they call when they want a sitter, or a loan? Dad’s aren’t as easily manipulated as mom’s are, they know this, and so it’s the mean ‘ol mom they whine to when they make irresponsble decisions. It’s too late for me but I would advise other mother in laws NOT to make the mistakes I made. I’m sixty-five now and living on a fixed income because of all the “loans” over the years that haven’t been paid back and probably never will. Her family has been treated like royalty, but again, I fault my son for allowing my daughter in law to bring nothing but total hell into our lives for thirteen years now. I raised him as a “Single” mom and we had a wonderful and loving relationship…until he met her…and nothing has changed with her at all. She’s as nasty today to me, and my oldest son, as she was the first day we met her and now I know why my son laughed when he first told me about meeting her. He said, “Mom, you’ll really like her. She’s a Preacher’s daughter.” Unfortunately, I had never heard those jokes and didn’t “get it”, but I sure do now!
Hi Sandi,
I can so relate to your situation…Our son also brought home a young lady he met in college and said “you will love her, Mom”!
Well, we did love her and thought our son hit the jackpot!…Until they were engaged 6 months later…A new personality suddenly emerged or maybe this was the real personality! She was a fraud and she had a plan….And the plan did not include my son’s family! None of us from sister to grandparents to Aunts and Uncles to niece and nephew! I nearly killed myself trying to build a relationship with her. Nothing worked or was going to work….I found myself in a very serious major depression and will NOT go there again….My son has allowed it and at times seems possessed! Or maybe he isn’t my real son…So here we are, 5.5 years and 2 grandchildren later..I love my son and miss him and feel cheated of my grandchildren. With the help of therapy I now have the tools to cope and not allow myself to be treated like garbage. Because she is toxic and my son enables her toxicity we have a very limited relationship…I now try to focus on what I have and not on what I don’t have….It helps…
Hi Sharon,
I’m glad you’ve been able to find some help with counseling in order to deal with your feelings better. Grandparent alienation is term that hasn’t been well known for very long, but it’s definitely a huge problem. Now there is tons of information online about “grandparent visitation rights” etc because of so many problems within families these days. I can’t help but wonder if your son realizes that he very well may be what is commonly referred as an abused man or abused husband. Abused Men is a serious problem in society, not just abused women. From the way you describe what’s going on there, it sure sounds as if the wife is calling the shots and is very controlling – which he’s allowing to happen for some unknown reason. I wish more men who are in mentally and emotionally abusive relationships (controlled by their girlfriends or wives) would realize what’s being done to them and their self esteem and find the courage to get out.
Hi Sandi,
What you describe going on in your family happens in many families but most people refuse to acknowledge it or don’t know what to call it.
It’s called Toxic Family or Toxic Family Members.
It’s sad when there is conflict between mother in-laws and daughter in-laws, but it’s all too common. What I find especially disturbing is the number of men who refuse to deal with the issues between their wife and mom, preferring to turn a deaf ear to it all and just ignore it. Hoping it will just go away all by itself.
What you mentioned about the “loans” goes right along with other articles I’ve written on this site about “helping vs enabling” grown adult children. It never turns out quite the way it was envisioned or planned, and almost always creates further financial problems for the “kids” and the parents too.
I agree that Mother In-Laws get a bad rap a lot of the time. Hang in there.
I’m going thru a really hard time right now with really nobody to talk to (just someone to talk to outside of the family). I never really knew of “toxic” people before. I knew something was wrong, but then I just did an engine search about adult sibling rivalry and how to deal with it. It took quite awhile searching and not finding what I was needing that I kind of gave up searching. But I continued my search and came across your website. Upon reading the article, it really opened my eyes to see that there are other people out there that are going thru and have gone thru what I am dealing with. And all I want now to do is to talk to these people who have been thru it and can understand what I am feeling and doing and just get some help. I can talk to other family members, but I don’t think they really know the depth of what is going on and how long this has affected me. I really could tell you what is going on, but I don’t know if you want me to do it here. I can tell you this much, just to give you an idea of what’s going on….my mom is in the hospital right now. I have 2 sisters and we are all grown. I am a middle kid and am 41. My mom called me Christmas day to say she needed to go to the ER. She was having a weird lethargic pain in her right side mainly in the hand (couldn’t grip very well). Anyways, my sisters and I have never gotten along. We don’t speak for years and then things like this happen and I just dread having to deal with them because of past experiences in dealing with them. I could go on and tell you more detail of exactly what has happened in the past, but I won’t because it would take awhile just to get it all out and I’m not sure if this is the place you want me to talk about it. I asked my mom if she wanted me to call anybody to let them know we were here and she said no, she didn’t want to make a big deal and have everybody worried and coming up there. So they admitted her and the next day she called my younger sister. I spent the whole morning “preparing” myself on how I was going to deal and I wasn’t going to let her get to me. I was there for my mom and only her. But then the door opened and here she came with her husband. And everything I tried to teach myself and pump myself up on how to deal with them and let everything they say just roll off my back, just went right out the window. I am not perfect and I am not blaming anybody. I myself am toxic, as hard as it is to admit. But I am and have recognized it and know that I have to change. I knew one day my mom would need us and you never think this kind of day comes when you have to drop all your anger and resentment and hatred towards family members and focus on the one who needs help. Things said from my sister (over something petty) and I just lost it and said to her I will NOT let you do this to me. Then the husband said “zip it” to me. I looked at him and said “this is NOT your mother” and he said “yes she is” and I said “you need to worry about your own mother” and he said “THIS is my mother”. We went back and forth and we were just totally losing it. My sister yells at me that I am not needed here anymore and I need to leave and not come back and asked why now do you all of a sudden “care”. All I could say was how dare she say that when she knows nothing of my relationship with my mom and how I’ve been there when she needed me. And the whole time, the brother in law is telling me to shut up. I really didn’t mean to say anything but I was so tired of letting them control how I felt and the person I am. On another note, the brother in law has cut off his own mother because she finally divorced his dad (he is verbally abusive just like the BIL is) and she finally got the courage to leave. He went over there to where she was staying and totally ripped into her saying that it was all her fault and that she would never see the grandkids again. He pushed her. I had never really met her and I had heard my mom say that she was working at a department store here at the Chanel counter. I walked by and just quietly asked her if she was Mrs. Boler. She said yes, very nicely. I said “oh hi, I’m heather and we have never met”. She was so nice and so was I. Then I said “I’m the one they talk bad about” in a jokingly manner (which was true) and she replied saying “I’m the one they talk bad about too”. It took me back a little when she said that and I asked what do you mean? Then she told me that she was divorcing and what her son did to her and I was just totally shocked. She said she hadn’t seen the kids (my sister has 2, a boy 11 and a girl 16) in about 6 months. I told her I was so sorry and I really felt bad that they did this. That’s one of the meanest things somebody can do to a parent is to cut off contact between her and the kids. she kind of shrugged her shoulders and said “well, not much I can do about it”. I could tell she was emotionally drained. I went right home and told my mom and she said she knew about it and told me that Mrs. Boler’s kids have all cut her out of their lives because of the divorce. She was never the problem, it was always the dad. But I also all of a sudden, felt this feeling of I’m not alone. I’m not the only one with the problem since my sisters have always told me that I was the problem and I believed them. Anyways, that was the reason I lashed out and told the BIL that he needed to worry about his mom. I know I was imature and so were they. My cousin, whom I am close to, was there too in the room and kept trying to pull me away, but I had years of crying, hatred, depression, no self esteem and total hatred towards them just like they had for me just rise to the surface and I couldn’t do this anymore. They finally left the room and I said to my mom “why don’t you ever say anything and be on my side for once”. She said you just have to ignore them and not let what they say bother you. She’s always been like that. When we were little and we would fight, it was “go to your room or go play outside and basically separate”. It was never addressed and we weren’t brought back together to say I’m sorry and kiss and make up. It was never addressed. I don’t blame my mom for anything. I blame all of us for being so immature, hateful and bascially toxic people (me and my 2 sisters). I called my mom this morning to check on her and knew that if the phone rang in her room, she would answer because she knows that if someone else answered, be it my sister or BIL, they would hang up on me. So she didn’t answer and I called the nurses station and asked if she was up and if anybody was in there. They came back to say that yes she was up and there was a guy in there. I spent most of last night searching and reading things on toxic people and in some way found the strength to say “I will not let them control me”. I also called my cousin to tell her I was sorry for what she had to see the day before and she said that was the most awful and hateful and utterly horrible two people (my sister and BIL) she had ever heard. She said she wanted to say something so, but knew that they would have probably called security, etc. But it is not my cousins nature to do that. She is a total saint. She has always been there for me when I needed her and will sit and listen quietly to me. She never takes sides. I do lean on her a lot and I really felt bad that she had to see that. I asked her what would she do if she was in my situation and she said I would stear clear of this and them. I said I can’t because I’m doing this for my mom and I want to be there for her. You would think that us “adults” could just be civil to each other without bad things coming up. So this morning, the nurse when in her room and told her that I was on the phone. I was totally nice and mature and didn’t bring up anything from the night before because I wanted to just focus on her. I did tell her I was sorry and I said he was so mean and she said it was ok and yes, he was mean. I told her that I would be up later. Part of me just wanted to stay away and not put myself in that situation in being there with them both, but I knew this is what I needed to do to deal with it. And that was holding my chin up, focusing straight on my mom, and killing THEM with kindness. So I showed up with some flowers walked right in there being as cheerful as I could. That was so hard to do that. I said to the BIL, Hi, how are you? and he mumbled “i’m fine, you? and I said “oh I’m doing wonderful”! I know that was a smart ass, but I guess I was trying to find the humor in all of this and have found that if I can find humor in how this is all going, then I can not let them get to me. So I helped my mom wash her face, brush her teeth, etc. she wanted to sit up and the BIL immediately jumped up and started moving her legs and just doing things that to me was a little disturbing or just weird. Then in comes my sister. She lets out this big SIGH and a roll of the eyes. I very cheerfully (and being a smart ass) said “Hi, Hillary”! She didn’t see a word and I never looked at her when I said that. I never look at her in the face because if I do, I just shrink inside. And she won’t look at me either. So she’s on one side of my mom’s bed and I’m on the other and we were straightening out her sheets and she pulled the sheet up first and then I got the blanket and was pulling it up when my sister yanked the corner of it from me saying “I believe it goes over here” real nasty like and I said calmly “wait, it’s all twisted”. She immediately raised her voice and said “I think we need to do increments”. I quietly said no, stop. My mom made this big sigh like please don’t start this again. She yelled and said Yes, and I said shhhh, stop very quietly. She then yells, “you are starting this” and I just shook my head saying “just stop it” quietly. The BIL was kind of standing next to me and I was really expecting him to whip his head towards me and tell me to shut up, but he didn’t. But I was thinking in my head “increments”??? You mean shifts???? But I never said it out loud. I found it kind of weird that everything my mom was being shifted, the BIL would jump right up and start fixing her pillow under her foot. An intern came in and started asking questions and my mom would answer and he would add his comment saying, she did this but can’t do this, etc. To me I feel he is invading my space between me and my mom. I’m damned if I will let him take over and say this is his mom, etc. I think what’s going on is that he is compensating and doing things for my mom that deep down he should do for his mom??? That’s probably not the right word to use, but I notice I do that with friends and co-workers in that I really let my caring side come out for them so that I can deep down convince myself that I am not a bad person like my sisters say I am. I left the room to go run errands, but before I left I gave my mom a kiss on the cheek and said I love you. That right there took a lot for me to do because I have never told her that. But the minute I got into my car, I totally broke down. I’ve always been so mad deep down at her because I always wanted her for once to be on my side and saying something to them. It really bothered me that she didn’t say anything to the BIL after his really mean comments. But I am learning and I keep telling myself that it’s not my mom’s nature to do this. She doesn’t like conflict and tries to avoid it. We do talk about, but I only go home feeling so depleated and drained because I feel she really doesn’t understand how painful this is for me. I wish I had someone to stand next to me and stand up for me. I’m not married and I don’t have any kids or a boyfriend. I’m not desperate to find someone just for this reason because I know that’s not healthy. I think of a couple of guys I work with and wish they could have been there to put him in his place in a nice way. But I could never do this and ask someone to do this. I have to learn to be strong and handle these things on my own. After reading the article, I now know that I have to eliminate them from my life and find my own happiness. I don’t know how to do that, I don’t have the skills. I know what needs to be done and that it’s a daily thing that I have to practice and basically imbed it in my brain til it is second nature and if I have to deal with them, it won’t bother me. I’ve been thru so much…counseling, anti-depressants, thoughts of suicide in the past, all kinds of treatments. I know what needs to be done, but when I work on it and I feel strong and know that I can handle them, the minute something happens like my mom going in the hospital and just knowing I have to deal with them, all my training just goes right out the door. And it’s like I have to start all over again. I really could go on and on about this, but I know I’ve taken up too much of your time. After yesterday’s blow up, I came home just crying like I’ve never cried before feeling so depleted and drained and feeling so worthless and low and thinking back to past blow ups and thinking they must be right about me that I am a loser, which I get called that a lot. I just cried out to God why was He letting this happen and why after all this time of working myself up to being strong, I lose it in an instant and why was this happening and I just can’t understand why at times I’m toxic and why can’t I change and why can’t we just be civil to each other??? I pray for God to send someone who will stand by my side and stand up for me and help defend all the blows that come my way. I cried to my dad, who passed away 10 years ago,wishing he was here and begging for him to be here in spirit and giving me a sign that he is here, etc. So that’s when I started just searching the internet. There has to be people in my situations with my same problems. I want to be strong, I want to change. My sisters and I will never have a relationship and I’ve learned to deal with that. But I get so sad just thinking how I wish things were different. But it will never happen. Family members constantly tell me they love me and care for me and they tell me I need to form my own “family” and concentrate on that. But I don’t have my own family and I try to concentrate of volunteering and focusing on someone else’s needs which helps a little. I am such a wreck right now and I’m so torn in that I know that I need to be with my mom right now, but I can’t keep walking into that room knowing that there is such tension there. but they won’t leave and would never do a “shift” so we can avoid each other. And if my older sister was to come, which my mom has told her not to, then I would stay away because she has hurt me the deepest of all and I will avoid her at all costs. But when I do stay away, I’m the one that is told “you don’t care about mom, you only care about yourself and you are a loser”. After my dad died, which was very sudden (heart attack at 56), my younger sister called me to give me a “piece of her mind”. She just went on saying that I was the reason he died and I always used him just to get money, and said I was such a loser and I needed to do the world a favor and do away with myself, etc etc. I hung up on her and immediately called my mom and she said why didn’t I just hang up on her and just ignore her and not let what she said bother me etc. My mom never told my sister she shouldn’t have done that or anything. So that just confirmed that they were right and I would build up the anger and become that toxic person just like my sisters were, but to them I was the problem. I admit, which they won’t, that we did treat my dad like crap and only really talked to him when we needed something. All 3 of us did this. My dad did have an anger problem and my parents always would fight and yell a lot and I hated it. I am a lot like my dad in that way that I speak my mind and I will tell someone that they have hurt me. I did talk to my dad about 2 days before he died and I was asking him how he felt. He was battling a real bad cold and couldn’t take anything because he was on heart meds (he did have a heart attack 2 years earlier which again was full of drama at the hospital). And I got the courage up and told him that I cared. It was so sad that it took a lot for me to say that. My sisters never did. I guess it’s called stupid pride?? But he said he always felt nobody ever really cared about his feelings and I said who do you mean, expecting him to say me, and he said all three of you all. After my sisters call to me I did tell her what he said and she was like “yeah, right, whatever” meaning it was never them, just me. I spent a lot of time with him at the funeral home just begging for forgiveness. I wrote him a letter saying how much I loved him and how sorry I was and I put it in his pocket. Nobody knows to this day that I did that. Again, I could go on and on and on. But I believe that God brings people into our lives for a reason and that we all have a purpose and a plan for our life and there is a reason we go thru what we go thru to learn and grow. So I truly believe that “stumbling upon” this site was God’s doing. I just pray for help and the courage to let go and move on and be a happy, fulfilled, healthy person. Thanks for reading.
Hi Heather, I’m soooo sorry you’re having to deal with such nonsense as this. Don’t worry about the length of your message here, it’s not a problem at all.
From what you describe here, it appears to me as though you’ve been raised your entire life to not speak up, not stand up for yourself, but to just “go with the flow” of what goes on in your life. I don’t agree with your mom’s position in how she didn’t handle conflict situations with you and your siblings while you were growing up, and I don’t subscribe to the idea to tell children who are arguing and fighting to simply ignore what is being said or done. Parents MUST act and TEACH their children how to treat other people, including/especially their own family members. That is what Discipline is all about: teaching, training etc. You didn’t receive such teaching and training, but rather you’ve learned over the years to just put up with all types of B.S. handed down to you, with the expectation that you will just roll over and accept it.
But not anymore! Perhaps your mom (and dad?) never developed the skills necessary to deal with obnoxious people either, so they were unable to teach you how to do it as you grew up. But you can all on your own.
From what you’ve written here, I’m not sure that I would say that you personally are toxic. It seems to me that you’re reactions and behaviors are simply reactions to what others are throwing at you on a regular/routine basis. Getting angry and throwing a reactionary fit doesn’t make you a toxic person, but it does exemplify the common reactions from people who have been victimized by toxic people or toxic family members for a period of time.
You have taken on so much “guilt” due to what your siblings have been dishing out at you, and guilt over the fact that no one has had the “balls” to stand up and say No More! That’s just wrong on so many levels. The way your BIL treats you, telling you to shut up etc, is totally unacceptable and it makes me angry for you that no one including your mom has dealt with it. Now look at the effect it has had on you and your emotional/mental health.
The audacity of your sister to tell you that you should basically kill yourself is downright disgusting! We all have just this one life, and we all have to make the very best of the life we each have, and that’s why it’s often necessary to completely cut out of our lives the people who are toxic and mean and hateful to the core.
You have every RIGHT to decide for yourself to no longer associate AT ALL with your siblings who treat you like dirt under their holier than thou feet. You have every right to speak to and visit your mother whenever and wherever you two decide without any involvement from your siblings or BIL.
Here is my suggestion for you to mull over in your mind and heart: Keep your relationship with your mother as loving and healthy as possible. Make arrangements to visit her at the hospital when your toxic siblings can’t possibly be there (perhaps late at night or very early morning).
When she’s out of the hospital, make arrangements to visit your mom at times when no one else could possibly be coming around. Visit with her at your place, or go out for lunch, dinner, a movie together or other mom/daughter activities where there is NO discussion of other family members whatsoever. If necessary, mention to your mom at some point that you want to enjoy your time with her one-on-one without any mention of the others in the family brought up. If it happens, change the subject or say “let’s not talk about that/them right now, let’s just enjoy our time together”.
If you are unable to visit your mother at her place because others are always there, then initiate visits with her outside of her home each and every time. The important thing is to have an enjoyable, pleasant, healthy relationship with your mom whenever possible. The “where” doesn’t matter at all.
I also recommend that you not allow your siblings or BIL to contact you in any way. You can Block the phone numbers from your siblings so they get an automatic message any time they try to call you that you are unavailable. Change your phone numbers if necessary, making them “unlisted” and/or “unpublished” so they can’t be found by any kind of searching online or offline. If there is an aunt or uncle or other relative/family friend that you can trust to respect your wishes of not giving out your numbers or contact information to your siblings, perhaps that person can be the one who can notify you of any family emergencies that may occur at some point.
What I’m saying is: Allow yourself the personal right to disengage, disassociate, and detach. This is your life, and you need and deserve to live your life free of being mentally and emotionally abused by anyone, especially your own family members.
The longer you go without any involvement with your siblings, the more relaxed and stress-free you will be. Your overall health will drastically improve, and you’ll be the better for it.
I would also highly recommend that you read books about toxic people and toxic family members
, since this one article isn’t enough to help you get over the hump you’ve been dealing with.
I also recommend keeping and writing in a personal journey/diary
to be able to see for yourself how you’re feeling much better after you’ve stopped associating and engaging with your siblings. Use the journal to write your positive goals and dreams down on paper, and take active steps to make those things happen for you. The journal is not meant to write down all the terrible things being said or done to you; it’s to change the negative mental picture in your mind into a positive mental picture for yourself.
Each time you reach a goal, even something very small, write down in your journal how you FEEL about achieving your goal. Positive reinforcement on a regular basis, with ZERO negative garbage coming into your life, will drastically change how you feel right now.
Give this some thought. Mull it over. Put it into practice, and then please come back and let us know how you’re doing. Hang in there; It. will. get. better.
I am woundering if there is anyone that could help me out. I am married to an only child and we’ve been married for 11 years and have 2 girls 12 and 8. My problems really started when I felt something wasn’t right in my family and relationship. I constantly felt like a child not a married woman because my husband was so use to “checking in” with his parents, taking ours kids to their house because “they missed them and wanted to see them” (at that time my husband was also a over the road truck driver so time at home was limited with our family) I did suggest that we go to counseling to help and learn how to deal with “cutting the strings” because his mother has narcistic tendencies ,is manipulative and has a sense of entitlement when it comes to our family. We were taught to set bounderies didn’t work they badgered my husband and put big guilt trips on him said that we were keeping the kids from them etc… I don’t deal with them at all in that sense because the counselor said that it should be my husband that deals other wise they’ll just hate me…. well they think that our counselor is a quack and the motherin law has stated that “I’m not her favorite person”, they just won’t let up their idea of abiding with our bounderies is to lay low and basically give it time and go back to their same ol tricks. I’ sick of the roller coaster ride!!! I sometimes feel that my husband doesn’t stick up for me (HIS WIFE!!!!) and our kids enough. it feels like hes on a fence and has to pick n choose where he wants to have his loyalties. My husband also gets tired of it all and I think that he’d just go back to how things were if I didn’t “bring up issues” and make him deal with them. I guess my question is when is enough enough?? Do I just lay things on the line and tell him its either this or else?? I’ve encouraged him , I’ve patted him on the back when hes done something that was difficult, I’ve let him know that I realllly appreciate what he has done, and how it makes me feel that he cares…..but I feel the steam running out for me is this how i have to be the rest of my marriage??? Is there anyone out there that is married to an only child that has similar situations???? I am starting to wounder what it is like to have a family with a committed husband and father. My husband gets so stressed out that it affects his parenting and home life hes crabby and short with the kids. what can I do to help my husband?? I have wanted to cut ties with his parents because I see them as being toxic to our family, but he’d just go behind my back n keep his toxic relationship going. I also didnt mention that the inlaws will corner our girls and question them and put guilt trips on them “oh we sure miss you ….why don’t you come and see us?” “what did we do ?” they were told to not question or put guilt trips on the kids because after all they are kids and they won’t understand everything and they don’t need to know everything that is going on. they just don’t think that they have to follow anything thats asked. I guess that I didn’t sign up for this outrageous mess. but here i am….
Hi Heather, I just finished reading your comments/questions and Lin’s suggestions and wanted to send you a message.
You are in the right place for help, believe me. Not too many months ago I found Lin’s website after looking for information on family enabling.
I am so happy that I did! I have learned so much about family, friends, etc., and now I am learning about toxic people who are in almost all of our lives.
I think you are on the right track by some of what you are saying and what Lin is advising you to do.
Just the fact that you recognize who the toxic people are in your life is a very good thing. You sound like a very caring person who has a lot of love to give. You shouldn’t feel like you are the toxic person in your family. It seems that your family members are trying to put you into that position because they cannot admit that THEY are the toxic people and have always put the blame for anything bad in their lives on you.
You can’t help what happened when you were a child anymore than any of us can. It’s time to love yourself and pray for guidance each day to believe you are the good person you are!
Please, please pay special attention to the advice Lin gave you regarding your mother and the time the two of you need to spend together without the drama from your siblings. That time will be remembered by both of you for as long as you live. You will never have to feel remorse for anything if you do that for yourselves.
I’m saying this because I lost my mother this past summer and because we never had the kind of relationship you can have with your mother. Unfortunately, my mother was the toxic one in our family. We never blamed her for it because of her childhood with her own toxic mother, but it hurt us so much. My remaining brother and I feel such sadness now. We tried so hard to have the kind of relationship with mom that we saw with friends and other relatives, but it didn’t work for us.
Don’t let your toxic family members destroy what good times you will have with your mother! You’ll be so much happier and you will realize that you may never have a good relationship with them because of who they are, not who you are.
Betty — thank you SO MUCH for telling me this. You don’t know how much that means to me to hear that I am not alone. I believe that God truly brought me to this website. In the past two days of dealing with absolutely horrible things happening, I have felt a tremendous peace within and it’s something I have never felt before. Lin is truly an angel with a gift to help others in ways we never knew we could heal or deal with on our own. I’ve been writing down everything she has told me to do and I’m writing your advice too in my journal which Lin advised me to get. I am ready for this, I’m ready for healing. For too long I’ve let them define the person I am and I became toxic too. Finally reading this article and talking with Lin, I realized it was not all me and this is a normal thing and I’m not alone. I am so sorry for you and what you have had to go thru and are still going thru. And I am truly sorry for your loss. No matter who it was and what kind of person they were, it still hurts. But I truly believe that our loved ones that have passed on truly are there with us and we can talk to them. I felt just like you when my dad died, but talking to him in spirit and prayers really helped because deep down I felt this feeling that he really understood and that we have had a “forgiveness” of some sorts and we were ok. I pray that you all will find peace and live the fullest life you can. I always would say to myself and friends that watching the behavior of my sisters and me and my parents was teaching me how NOT to be with my kids and relationships. I don’t have kids or a husband, but I hope one day I do. But I have to get better before I can be good for anybody. Again, my prayers are with you and I thank you again for such kind words.
Thanks, Heather.
I, too, have “talked” (with my mother) and have faith that she is in a much better place. She wasn’t evil; she just had a difficult time in her life here. I always felt sorry for her, and loved her because she was my mom.
I wish you a very wonderful new year!
My sister-in-law fits the description of a Toxic Person perfectly and I know I should cut all ties but I can’t, even her brother – My husband wants to but I can’t. She has done and said awful things to and about my family but she is like a sister to me. I started dating my husband when I was 16 and she was 12, even though they didn’t leave together for most of my husbands teenage years because of divorce, we were still very close. My husband and his sister had pretty messed up childhoods, and my sister-in-law ended up pregnant at 16 by her 15 year old boyfriend. 14 years later she is still married to him and they have 4 children, the oldest two are boys and they have a muscular disease and are in wheel chairs. She has a pretty hard life that she is responsible for a lot of. She isn’t a very happy person to say the least. They spent a year leaving with us when they only had the oldest, he was actually diagnoised while they lived with us. We had no children at the time and I often refer to him as my “oldest” because it feels that way to me. I am also very close to the rest of her children, I even watched her give birth to her youngest.
Here lies the problem, about 6 months ago our families had a huge blow up and we haven’t really spoken or seen them. But about a week ago she sent me a couple text messages , which I confirmed from others in the family, that the 2nd oldest is having a possible life threatning surgery in next month and that I was welcome to be at the hospital or see him before. Every part of me wants to be there for him but how do I avoid being manipulated by his mother? My husband has his wall up and told me I could do what I wanted but he was done. She is also sending other messages trying to make me feel bad for her.
Hi Jen,
For six months there was no communication between you and your sister in-law, but now that her son is having some possible serious health problems, suddenly she’s coming to you. On her terms of course.
You say she’s like a sister to you. A toxic sister no less. A sister who has said horrible things about you and your family, and a sister who is the cause of most of her own problems according to what I’ve read.
You feel sorry for her Jen. You feel sorry for her that she’s had a difficult childhood and difficult life for a variety of reasons, some of which she’s brought on herself, right? Having compassion, pity, empathy etc for people is admirable of course. But.
It’s clear to me that this sisterly relationship is on HER terms, and that tells me this relationship/friendship/sisterhood is one-sided. You care for her and love her despite her toxic personality, and she now decides to message you after six long months of silence because she wants/needs a shoulder to cry on.
Re-read your last sentence above. “She is also sending other messages trying to make me feel bad for her. What does that tell you? What it tells me is m.a.n.i.p.u.l.a.t.i.o.n
Manipulation to get you to do what SHE wants, everything on HER terms, and if she feels that pouring on GUILT TRIPS will work, then by all means let the guilt trips commence. No holds barred.
Do you realize that you actually DID cut all ties previously and that it’s lasted six months so far? But now she “needs” you. You two share a long history together, growing up together in many ways, sharing the joys of children together etc.
She knows you very well doesn’t she? She knows what buttons to push with you, she knows what to say and what to do to get a reaction out of you that suits her, right? That last sentence says it all, at least for me. She’s knowingly, purposely pushing your emotional buttons to make you “feel bad for her” and give in to her not so subtle requests.
I can’t tell you not to go. I wish I could. You already know, as you said above, that she has the ability to manipulate you. That’s what she’s doing right now, and she has you playing an emotional tug-of-war game with yourself, and doing everything she knows how to do to guilt you into doing what she wants. As usual, right?
If it were ME, there’s no way I would fall for that sorry old trick and put myself in the situation of having to deal with this person anymore. Life is just too short to live it dealing with toxic people beating us down emotionally, mentally, spiritually etc. Think about the peacefulness you very likely experienced during those six months of silence; no drama nonsense to contend with etc. Why put yourself back into that same situation that has a long history of not being healthy for you?
Whatever you decide to do I wish you well in that decision.
Hi, Jen
I read with interest your story and Lin’s advice regarding not getting into the same old situation with your sister-in-law by going to the hospital. What a difficult situation for you.
Lin is so right about all that she said! The trouble would start all over again and maybe even be worse than before if you go to the hospital.
If anything you do or say (for instance, going to the hospital) makes life more difficult for you and the rest of your family because of your sister-in-law, it would be a very bad idea to go. It would also be bad for your nephew to be stressed before serious surgery.
My prayers go with your nephew and you!
I have a 28 year old daughter and I moved out of my own home (couldn’t get her to move out) 8 years ago because living under the same roof with her became intolerable. She constantly lied to me, manipulated me, stole from me, bullied me, created problems for me on my job (which I lost in the end because I became so ill from all the stress I had to resign), was so rude to my friends they stopped coming round to see me, alienated me from my family (got them to believe I was abusing her) and emotionally and mentally abused me.
In my case it was subtle and I didn’t see it coming. Her father disappeared when she was 3 and I struggled to raise her by myself. I was so busy and exhausted all the time trying to juggle everything (like most single mothers) – the situation just crept up on me very gradually and by the time I realized what was happening the situation had become unmanageable. There were no clear cut warning signs but in hindsight I can see that it started with very subtle manipulation (it’s easy to not pick up on things if you’re having to do 3 different jobs, have to shoulder all the responsibility, have no help or support and are exhausted all the time) and it just very very gradually escalated over the years until she had me completely under her control and at that point it wasn’t so subtle anymore but I fear it was too late. The thing is that she can seem totally charming and sweet to those on the outside so I just looked like the crazy one who was simply under too much stress and she was the victim having to deal with a crazy mother (she got lots of sympathy from everyone as no-one believed me and her behavior continued to be rewarding for her) she even fooled the one therapist she agreed to see (though she only went for 3 sessions) who came to the conclusion I was the problem (can you believe it?)
I’ve ended up with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and as a result lost everything I worked so hard to achieve, not only for myself but also to guarantee the future I had hoped to give her, has gone up in smoke.
I have spent quite a lot of time in therapy over the last 8 years trying to figure out just how this happened – how did I manage to screw it up so badly. I can honestly say I have done some serious soul searching, taken a good long hard look at myself turned over every stone and the conclusion I’ve come to is that while I admit I have made my fair share of mistakes as a parent I honestly don’t see how I contributed to her behavior. I behave nothing like she does. I like peace and harmony. I hate conflict and am quick to admit when I’m in the wrong and am usually the one who takes the first step in making amends when there’s been some falling out.
My daughter blames me for her behavior – in fact she blames me for everything. She tells me I raised her this way and that everything is my fault and that’s just the nice stuff. She’s very angry that she didn’t have a father when she was growing up. The first problems started to emerge when she was in her teens (at that time they seemed like normal teen-from-broken-home problems) and I saught professional help for her but she refused all help from anybody and it didn’t matter how hard I tried to help or nurture her she’d take everything I’d do for her and throw it back in my face and she’d turn around any positive guidance I tried to give her to fuel more negative and destructive behavior. Any boundaries I’d set would be completely ignored and disregarded. I can honestly say I tried everything – from tough love to lots of nurturing and kind supportive understanding but absolutely NOTHING I would say or do one way or the other seemed to make any difference whatsoever.
I still have contact with her and although we now live in different countries and I have had to put up boundaries as to how much contact we do have – we haven’t completely lost touch. However I’ve been seriously ill for the past 7 years but she never calls me to see how I am and whenever she does call it’s always because she’s screwed her life up again and wants me to comfort and nurture her and tell her that it’s all my fault and if I don’t she threatens to disappear leaving me no way to get in touch with her and leaving me to fear the worse (she’s threatened suicide in the past). She still subtley implies that all her difficulties are my fault and that I’m a total failure as a parent. On top of the CFS I suffer from severe stress, depression, anxiety and have frequent panic attacks. I realize that there’s nothing I can say or do to improve our relationship as I would do whatever it takes but she is unwilling. I am not the same person I used to be – she has completely taken everything from me, destroyed everything I worked for and totally drained me. My life is a living hell – if she weren’t my own daughter who I love with all my heart I’d have cut her out of my life years ago. I think this is what I will probably need to do – but I don’t know how – it hurts so much – it breaks my heart.
Wow Katy, what a heartwrenching story to say the least. The troubles between you and your daughter are very disturbing and I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this. There is definitely a lot of toxic behaviors going on here and you’ve been going through so many damaging effects of toxic family that it has been wreaking havoc on your life.
While reading your story and what you’ve described as the behaviors from your daughter, it reminded me of some very deep reading and research I had done a few years ago about “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” (NPD) and “Pathological Narcissism”. I certainly have no way of knowing or the ability to diagnose anyone with narcissistic personality disorder, but there are elements of what you’ve described that brought those articles and books on narcissistic personality or pathological narcissism to mind.
That being said, there are also things you’ve mentioned that create questions about other psychological problems like psychopath/sociopath manipulations, lies etc that came to mind as well.
I don’t know what causes your daughter to behave the way she does, but I can see the effects it has had on you over a period of many years. Only you can decide if or when to break all ties with her, or to greatly diminish the access she has to you and your life in order for you to have a life free of constant drama and problems she wishes to bring on you. Living in different countries should help some, but if your daughter is able to easily reach you and upset you on a regular basis and cause you a lot of stress and health problems, you may want to seriously consider taking necessary steps to greatly reduce the ways she is able to get a hold of you and keep it on your terms. I wish I could say more Katy, but I do wish you much peace and tranquility by reducing or eliminating the toxic influence she has on you and your life. Good luck!
Hi Lin,
Thankyou for your kind response. I have read about personality disorders and have considered whether she might have one as I’ve read that where there is one mental illness often there are others and on my mother’s side of the family there are mental illnesses (no personality disorders that I’m aware of but problems such as ADHD, ODD, depression, schizophrenia). When I tried to get help I mentioned the family history in addition to describing her behavior to doctors and psychiatrists years ago but I was met with disbelief and told I was neurotic that there was probably nothing wrong with her (how they could say this without knowing her I don’t know) and I just always seemed to come off looking like the crazy one, the nasty controlling mother who was projecting mental illness on her lovely, charming and absolutely normal daughter who was just going through the usual growing pains and if anything it was me who needed to get my act together.
I have suffered from depression myself since all this evolved but before was a fairly happy person and the counselors I have worked with over the years have found me to have an incredibly balanced mind and to be emotionally stable despite all the heartache I’ve been through.
I have taken steps to keep things with her on my terms as much as possible. Sadly over the last year it seemed things were improving and I thought perhaps I had been wrong all along and that it was just a case of her needing more time to grow up and mature (it’s amazing the denial and excuses we make in order not to face the painful truth) – I started to trust her a little more (not too much but I wasn’t as carefully guarded as usual) but then my sister passed away and my mother became extremely ill and, having already let down my guard with my daughter in addition to being vulnerable at that point, she took the opportunity to twist the knife in and torment me about my sister and mother (both relationships my daughter had managed to alienate me from).
Then a couple of months later while I was still grieving and still reeling from the last psychological assault she called in tears making out she was homeless, penniless, sick and alone – it turned out none of this was true however she knows I’m very empathetic and I would personally relate to this story since I myself have experienced being homeless, penniless while sick and alone (after I lost everything when I became ill and alone because she’d managed to alienate me from everyone) and that it was an extremely traumatic experience for me. It seems to me that the sole purpose of her lies is to cause me as much psychological distress as possible. She knows I’m on the other side of the world from her, that I’m very unwell (bedridden) and that there’s nothing I can do – all of this makes me feel so powerless. If I had to describe it I would compare it to some terrorist who has your loved one hostage and uses every method they can to tell you the horrible things and torture they are putting them through knowing you can do nothing. Yes it is very disturbing. There are times that, while I wish her well and hope she will make a turnaround and make something good of her life, I also wish never to see or hear from her again – and I love so so so much – I so wish we could have a close, loving bond (and she knows it) …
She’s talking about moving back to our hometown (which I don’t live far from) – but while I worry about her being so far away I fear for myself if she were closer. Since I am in no condition to move myself, I hope she stays put – at least until she decides to get serious help (don’t know if that will happen).
Thankyou for listening to me … It’s good to get this out and to be in a place where for a change I don’t feel like no-one believes me.
[...] Toxic Relationships-Toxic Family Members [...]
I have had a difficult five years, due to unemployment. My mother, sister, brother, and me all live together (I’m 47, my sister is 55, my brother is 52, my mother is 80). Yes…it’s a dysfunctional family. I had a “normal” upbringing, went to college and finished my masters by 25. However, having graduated in ‘87, Reagan’s economy was awful, and my career has had its ups and downs for years. Well, my sister, who dropped out of college in 1972, never went back, and has many times been out of work ENTIRELY, for years, with no intention of ever working, until maybe four years ago…she finally is holding down a job, as low-level as it is. Well, my relationship with her has gone from pretty close when we were about 20 and 12, to now completely awful. She has clearly become the most toxic agent in my life, with my brother a close second (he hits us every now and then, but that’s for another post). I can’t believe I’m even writing this, but I have not spoken to any of my friends in so long, due to my perpetual unemployment. And my sister just makes my situation worse. She’s mean, she brings up the past, she puts me down, she’s jealous that I studied in France 22 years ago, she says every day that I was a spoiled child, she completely puts words in my mouth every second she gets, she consistently says how much my mother would rather live with her alone if we ever were able to break up (financially, no one can stand on their own two feet now. My brother could have, years ago, but he’s been a BIG NEANDERTHAL BABY his whole life. He did manage to hold down a job for the past 18 years, but just recently was laid, last year, and was laid off again 7 months later, in February of this year. He could still afford a condo, but won’t buy one. He has had a self-fulfilling prophecy for 15 years that he could lose his job and not make, and so now he has.
I hate living here…I hate it with all the passion I had when I was young for singing, and theatre, and my friends, and travel, etc. Now, I’m miserable, I’m screaming with someone every day, I’m entirely flat broke, I can’t even find a temp job (though I was temping for three years straight, completely killing the time I needed to find full-time permanent work in my field. Then, the temp jobs even dried up).
I hate my situation, and frankly pray for my sister’s demise every day. Even though my brother is the one who has hit me in the past from time to time (until I finally called 911 on him), it’s my sister whose relentless accusations, insults, insinuations, lies, calls to the past, and completely mean, snide remarks that make me think of the peace I’ll have the day she dies. I hate her, and would love to never see her again. If only I had the money to leave this house, and never, never return.
Hi Susan,
Your experience with toxic people is very similar to many other people. You are not alone, but that of course doesn’t help you deal with the craziness that surrounds you. Is there anyone you know (other family members or close friends) that you could stay with temporarily while you get on your own two feet and move into your own place? Heck, if it were me in this situation, I’d bust my butt to even find a job flipping burgers to make enough money to move into a cheap hotel/motel room, rather than continue to struggle with toxic family members.
And, there is no way I’d put up with an adult family member thinking it’s okay to hit me; I’d call the police and have his butt arrested too. I can’t even imagine the stress this situation puts on your elderly mother. It must drive her nuts.
Keep looking for a job – any job- anything legal that would get you the money to move out (even into a motel room if necessary), and get outta there. You could always continue looking for a job that pays more and has better benefits once you’ve gotten outta there. I’ve often heard it’s easier to find a job when you have a job. Consider a job that is not in your field right now; you need money and there very well may be a job that isn’t in your field right now that would help you get by on your own, until a job in your field comes along. Even if the job is a “menial” job or a warehouse type job – a job is a job right now in this economy, so be open to taking anything job there is while you search for one in your particular field. Good luck!
Hi Susan.
Read your comments on your family and hope you will take Lin’s advice. She only gives advice to help and support us all.
If you don’t so something soon it will only get worse. Believe me, I know how having a toxic person in the family can affect all members. In our family, the toxic person is my younger daughter. Her influence on my older daughter’s life nearly killed her (attempted suicide) and landed her in more trouble than she ever thought possible. She and her younger sister share a co-dependency that is not healthy for either of them. Her younger sister is very good at manipulation. She had her older sister so upset over all aspects of her life for months that she stopped taking her meds, went into a bad depression, and got into trouble with the local authorities. While she has been awaiting transport to another facility, her younger sister has been using her money for her own use so that there will not be anything for her when she returns to her home, and tries to pick the pieces of her life. Because of this, she will lose her monthly checks for several months, her apartment, and her self-confidence. The ridiculous part of all of this is that she is still very close to her younger sister and defends her. I have tried to talk to her about letting me put some money into a savings account for her, but now she says I’m trying to “tell her what to do with her money” (I’m sure those are her sister’s words), and she hasn’t called me for almost a week. I have accepted collect calls from her at $4.50 a pop, and have tried to help her and support her, but her sister must be having more of an affect on her than I realized. This is not good. I can’t accept their problems anymore as my problems. They are adults. They will have to live with the consequences of their actions. I love them, but there isn’t anything I can do anymore.
Don’t let yourself get into a situation that will ruin your life like my daughter did. It isn’t worth it. Do what you have to do. You’ll be much stronger for it.
Hi, I’m Alexis and I am 15 years old.
I have a mother who says mean things to me all the time..I try really hard for her not to hurt my feelings ..but it always does hurt.. I feel like crying all the time :’(
She’s called me fat cow, dog sh*t, pig, fat, ugly, unnatractive, evil, horrible, failure, and much more things i wish not to say.
But she always makes me feel like I’m this horrible, mean person ..I know I’m not, but sometimes she convinces me…
I know i am a genuine person with a big heart. But when you hear those mean things coming from BOTH your parents , it tears you apart. :’( because i dont wont those type of people in my life , but when those people happen to be your parents..they are all i have :’(
i dont know what to do. i’m SOo confused. I feel so alone and sad all the time. :’(
what can i do ? ?
i pray everyday that the future will get better!
Hi Alexis,
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with things like this. It’s very sad to hear that parents actually say things like this to their own kids. It’s just not right to treat kids this way.
I would suggest talking with the school counselor for a couple/few sessions and expressing your feelings and the things being said to you. Then, when the counselor feels it’s the right time, he/she can arrange for a meeting with you and your parents to kindly and respectfully talk about these things face to face. Having a neutral party helping to guide discussions can really help keep conversations on topic and where there isn’t any name calling etc.
I know that school counselors are still accessible even when school is out for the summer, so if that is the case where you live, you can still find out how to reach your school counselor perhaps on the school district website or by calling the school or district office and ask how you can get in touch with the school counselor.
Perhaps having these conversations with a counselor will help your parents see the harm they’re doing by the things they’re saying to you. I really hope so. Please keep trying.
Wow! Lin, I’ve been reading these posts for nearly an hour and boy- did they hit home. I have a Mom whom I love, but is mentally ill. My brother and I have seen her through a couple of suicide attempts and many hospitalizations. We recognize the behavior prior to becoming manic (for her) as she becomes despondent, no interest in anything, crying, etc. But it seems that she’s changed polarity. She has been obsessed with babysitting my niece since she was born. Why? I’m not sure, but due to her behavior my brother and his family were reluctant. The mood swings and outbursts are unpredicatable. Regardless, my mother has never not been allowed to see her grandchildren (my brother also has a 12 yo son). No one has ever banned her regardless of her behavior. Well, a few months back my sister in law decided she would try to ‘mend fences’ with my Mom and start over. Three weeks later, my Mom called her leaving a voicemail saying she wasn’t welcome in her home any longer. She felt like my sister in law was solely behind her not keeping my niece and she said some other cruel things to her and my brother that I won’t air here. Since then, Mom has chose over and over to verbally bash them to me. I’ve asked her repeatedly not to and she said it was her ‘constitutional right’ to express her opinion. Well, since the ‘blow up’ her conversations are very heavy laden with bashing my brother and his wife and much negative talk about anyone else. Where I feel I failed with her was like many here just ‘turning the other cheek’. I was often told by my Dad, “I know, but she’s your Mom.” So, that’s what we did for years. Well, now it’s reached a point where she and I had a HUGE fight. I asked her again to not discuss my brother and his family. I tried changing the subject, positive talk and anything else I thought would help. She wants my brother back in her life but kept yelling, “I don’t want any dealings with that woman.” I reminded her that this was her grandchildren’s Mom and her son’s wife. She said she didn’t care. Then I did the stupid, I started yelling. I should’ve never allowed it to take me that far. She started telling me what was wrong with me (which isn’t new behavior). I told her 3 different times that if this was to become a bashing session that it had to end. By time 3, I was yelling (and am ashamed for it). She then hung up. I know what I said to her needed saying. I regret how. At this point, I’ve reached a breaking point with her. I don’t have a desire to talk to her and haven’t. Despite it, she calls leaving voicemails to say she’s sorry BUT that I’m too sensitive and immature if I’m still ’sulking’ and mad at her. These putdowns do not encourage me to talk with her. I don’t feel I’m quite ready to engage with her in conversation yet as I’m pretty angry with her. The negative, draining conversations are getting old. The only person that can change that is her. I’ve begged her to seek help and get blown off. I’m aware of her history of mental illness, but I’ve never seen her so angry with ‘the world’. She will even put down those who she claims she cares for the most. The sad thing is, she can be nice and decent and has been. But now when it comes to her children- she doesn’t want to. I guess I just wonder is there anything else I could do here to help. I’m not interested in fighting with her any more. Any ideas? Thanks for your patience with this long thread.
Vicky
Hi Vicky,
Wow, what a mess. Your mom is mentally ill, okay I get that. She feels she has a “constitutional right” to voice her opinions, negative or otherwise. If that is the case, YOU have a constitutional right NOT to have to be the one hearing her opinions.
She is your mom, like your dad has said, but… Where is it written that children must tolerate abusive speech from a parent, mentally ill or not? She is your mother and will always be your mother, but that doesn’t change the facts as they are.
She’s completely out of line with her attitude and behavior towards you, your brother and your sister-in-law. Losing your temper and yelling at your mom is understandable under the circumstances. Who could possibly put up with so much nonsense from one person for so long without losing their cool? Don’t beat yourself up about it – you will surely have an opportunity where (if you so choose) you can apologize for your outburst. She owes all of you a HUGE apology.
Here is what I would suggest that you do, and you can pass this along to your brother and sister-in-law as well, since it really applies to all of you.
1. Each and every time your mother so much as hints as though she’s about to go on a tirade about anyone in the family (or others), kindly but firmly interrupt her and let her know that you will not listen to negative things said about any of you or others.
2. If/when she ignores you and persists in talking negatively about someone, kindly remind her what you had just said. If you are on the phone with her and she’s talking that way, tell her you don’t want to hear such things, that when she’s ready to speak kind and respectfully that she may call back, and that you’re hanging up now. Then say goodbye and hang up. If she calls right back (assuming you have caller id), don’t answer the phone – disconnect or turn off the voicemail so you don’t have to deal with that. If you are at her home, say the above and tell her you have to go now, then leave immediately without saying another word. No if, and’s or but’s. Just turn around and leave – no matter what she says.
3. Every time each of you immediately follows through by disengaging from the negative behavior, it teaches her how you will and won’t be treated by her. You don’t have to be at her beck-and-call as far as her ability to leave nasty voicemails, where she tears you and your family apart verbally.
She’s mentally and emotionally abusing all of you, and even though she’s mentally ill, all of you must set clear and distinct boundaries for your mother of what is and isn’t alright for her to do or say to any of you.
If possible, have a talk with your dad and explain how the situations will be treated from now on, so he’ll know and understand when each of you hangs up or leaves the house unexpectedly. (I can only assume your father is still alive based on your comment).
I don’t know the laws about “forcing” an elderly parent to get help for mental illness, assuming she qualifies as an “elderly parent”. That may be something to discuss with a family law attorney, to see what type of help is available for your mother.
If her mental illness is as severe as it seems, it makes perfect sense to me that she’s not allowed to babysit grandchildren. Gosh, what a mess that could create.
Set clear limits and boundaries with your mother, and prove to her you mean business by hanging up or leaving when she becomes abusive. No more “turning the other cheek” jazz. You don’t wear a bulls eye on the back of your shirt.
Lin,
Thanks for your quick reply. You’ve said pretty much everything I’ve thought since our ‘blow up’ happened. My brother & family and myself are already ’screening’ our calls via caller i.d. In my last conversation w/my Mom I did try to tell her I wasn’t going to discuss it but my fault was feeding into her pushing my buttons. I realize that now.
I failed to mention that my Dad passed away in ‘05. I apologize for that. They divorced in ‘98 (I think) and even after divorcing, he would tell us he understood but to remember this was our mother. I think maybe he told us this as he himself didn’t quite know how to deal with her.
My brother and I were discussing today about when or if we’d be talking to her again. He said we’d have to set some distinct boundaries with her and I agreed. The hard part of all of this is when Mom is ‘called out’ on her part in a conflict she tends to shut down and get defensive. She’s rather passive-aggressive.
As for her being elderly, well I wouldn’t consider her elderly. She’ll only be 59 on her birthday. But I have strongly considered contacting her mental health dr. regarding her changes of behavior. I don’t know if that’d be a good thing or not.
But after her last suicide attempt, we discovered via her dr that according to her records she had minimalized a lot of things. I have a feeling she still does this, but I am not sure. In our state, the only way we can force her to be hospitalized is if she’s a threat to herself or others. Believe me, I’ve checked there already.
It’s a difficult place to be. My brother nor I want to go through these cycles any more and we’re finally doing something about it. We both feel at peace about it. The only concern is her history of hospitalizations/attempts. It will fall to us to step up to ‘take care of things’ if that happens as there is no one else to do so. But I’m not crossing that bridge as we’re not there.
But at any rate, do you know of any good literature my brother and I could read to learn more about this and maybe help us work through our side of it? Again, thanks so much for your reply, your feedback and this thread. It’s a breath of fresh air for anyone dealing with it.
Vicky, I’m sorry about losing your dad.
I’m certainly not a mental health specialist or therapist by any stretch, but what you’ve said about your mom being “passive aggressive”, suicide attempts and hospitalizations, plus the verbal abuse… makes me wonder if maybe she’s Bi-Polar or Manic Depressive and doesn’t know it? Has she ever been tested for either or both?
What you describe as your mother’s attitude and behaviors are some of the symptoms of people with Bi-Polar Disorder (BPD) and/or Manic Depression, both of which offers medications to help deal with the problems. ? Just a thought.
As far as literature or books are concerned, I’m linking you to Amazon’s list of mentally ill parent
books for you to check out for yourself, as I’m not an authority on the mentally ill. I also recommend that you read Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
because I’ve received many emails from visitors and subscribed readers who have said this book is excellent and really helped them deal with the problems. It would probably be really good for your brother and sister-in-law to read up on these things too, because the problems are clear and so are the emotions and feelings associated with what you’re all going through. Hang in there!
Hi, Vicky!
If this has been going on for many years as it was with my mother, sometime during her life she showed symptoms of bi-polar disease and may have suffered some sort of trauma early on. If this is somewhat recent, do you think it may have something to do with hormones? That may sound weird, but I have heard stories about women who actually had a breakdown due to the fluctuation of hormones and became worse as they got closer to menopause. Lin certainly knows more about this than I do, but it was just a thought. In my mother’s case, it may have started in her childhood and became worse when my father left her with the 3 of us & no help. It came to a head when my little brother committed suicide when he was 26. From then on, it was almost impossible to deal with it. I hope your mother will , at some point, be able to get some help so your family can heal. (My mother didn’t and was bitter to the end.) God bless you and our prayers are with you.
I am going through a severe depression – somehow I ran into this site and feel I need to share what is going on in my life. I feel like a doormat to everyone. My ex left me and our 5 year old son 9 years ago. He is an alcoholic, a control freak, verbally abusive, self-centered and just plain mean. He has since remarried (4th time) and has moved on with his life but continues to be verbally abusive towards me. I come from a family where my dad left my mother and I when I was a baby and then she gave me to my grandmother when I was 5 years old. My grandmother abandoned me when I was 15 and I ended up living with an aunt and married when I was 17 and was a young mother. I want very much to be loved and special and it seems I always reach out to people that mistreat me (in my family). I have cousins that ignore me – don’t include me in their lives and two of them are very sarsastic towards me and when we’re together remind me of any mistakes I’ve made in my life (I’ve never done that to them). It’s obvious they do it on purpose to hurt me. My mother is not motherly and we rarely speak to each other. I tried to talk to her about making our relationship better but she has no interest in doing so. My younger son is now 15 years old and I am struggling with severe depression and saddness. It affects my physical health, my self-esteem and have a very difficult time working because I have such a difficult time staying focused and want to stay in bed. At this time, I do not hve one person in my life that I feel cares about me except my younger son. Being 55, it’s difficult to meet men to date and I’m terrified all men are like my ex. I’m on an antidrpressent and it seems to be working a tiny bit but not enough for me to feel “normal” and move on with my life. I feel overwhelmed with responsibility, have financial problems and have lost interest in all things I used to love. I have no energy to do the things I need to do. There are days when I feel sure I want to just have God take me but I’m afraid of death. I feel very isolated. The only parent I had was my grandmother and she passed away 18 years ago. She loved me very much and even though I didn’t bother her with my problems, just knowing she loved me was very comforting. I try to have relationships with relatives, etc. but it seems every time I ask someone to go out to a movie or just get together – they have excuses. I have one cousin that lives less than 10 minutes from me and she never wants to do anything with me. She lives alone and don’t understand why she doesn’t want to do things together. I try very hard to be close to her but she keeps her distance. I’m a very friendly person and after being a single mom for 10 years – I need a life – I’m so lonely. Do you think I gravitate towards people that are not “available” because of my background of having been abandoned by so many people? I don’t know where to find people that are nice, friendly and want to establish a relationship. I am lonely to the point that it deeply hurts me. It feels to me that everyone has someone except me. There are days when I feel like a zombie and just stay in bed. Please help me. Thanks
Hi Lolly, I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time. It definitely sounds like you’re experiencing severe depression, and my heart goes out to you.
When you have talked with your family members about building the relationship to a better one, what reasons (if any) do they give for not wanting to? Do they perhaps think of you as being toxic, where they’re distancing themselves from you for some reason? Have you asked them directly why they don’t appear to want to have a relationship with you? Do they perceive you as always being negative whenever they’re around you? Could your feeling of being lonely be causing friends and family to back off even more? I don’t know, but just thought I’d ask.
I’m also wondering if maybe your anti-depressants aren’t strong enough for you? I’m thinking that maybe you should tell your doctor that the med’s you are taking now aren’t helping very much, and maybe the doctor needs to have you try out a different one? Have you been seeing a counselor too? Counseling can help a lot of people dealing with depression, so that might be something to consider too.
Some of the things you’ve said here, about not wanting to get out of bed and wishing that God would take you etc, really comes across as possibly being suicidal? I sure hope not! You want the pain you’re feeling to go away, that’s for sure, but even considering taking your own life is not the way to deal with your troubles. You NEED to call your doctor right away……… and tell your doctor about what you’re feeling. Please call your doctor right now!
I don’t know why your family is being this way and not spending time with you, and I can only think that sitting them down and pouring out your heart to them about how you’ve been feeling may or may not help. I wonder if telling your family how you feel when they exclude you and ignore you, and asking them specifically WHY they’re doing it, may be a way of beginning discussions to clear up any existing problems. I would hate to think that your family is purposely pushing you away, but maybe they have toxic personalities – I really don’t know, but if they do…. you’re much better off not being around them, especially if they always bring you down and make you feel bad about yourself.
You need to being surrounding yourself with kind and loving people, people who will treat you with respect and dignity. Could you check your local area for social clubs or activity clubs that would be of interest to you? Like, if you enjoy knitting, is there a knitting club at a local recreation center that you could join and get to know people? If you attend a church, are there any groups within the church that would interest you and where you could be around caring people?
If you would like to discuss this further, please use my “contact me” link at the top of the site and we’ll chat more privately. Please call your doctor first and talk to him/her about your feelings and if your medication might need adjusting. Please.
It took 50 years to realize my parents were toxic. I knew they were abusive of each other and the children growing up, but it wasn’t until they became sick and elderly that they reached their peak of toxicity! They continued their marital eternal fights, involving the entire family dragging even the grandchildren to take sides. Using their infermities to draw pitty, it led to a huge family feud as mom wanted to separate from dad and give her son all the money, stealing the house from dad and dad wanted to live with me and get his share. We were dragged into a legal battle we didn’t want to be in, because if I let brother win and keep mom and all the money I was stuck caring for elder dad! It was the most toxic and stomach turning lawsuit, son against father, that anyone could see. I got caught in the middle of this turmoil, like some gets hit by a hurricane, and it took literally thousands of dollars in lawyers, to get dad actually reconciled with his son at least and set up an agreement with both men (dad 82 and brother 50) simply to get rid of him and related headaches. Dad was too toxic to even describe, it would take page and pages. So at least, he had a place and his money!
He has been gone for a year, and made friends with his son again. What a mess. My mom is still the seemingly innocent poor grandma, and the biggest manipulator alive. What a liar and a user, to get her way. My brother may be getting their house, but he will lose his sanity very soon and they will need to put him in a padded cell as these two parents age even more, their toxicity will just get worse. I got nothing but legal bills and thank God that I don’t have my parents or the house! Talk about toxicity. I lived it for years. I feel emancipated. Brother got the estate and the toxic parents, and I got peace!
This article is right, particularly the definition of toxic. But, beware that sometimes it is impossible to distance yourself from these toxics.
I wish I would have read this years ago. I have been married for 19 years together for 23. Looking back I should have left the relationship before we married but I love my husband. His family caused problems from almost the beginning. He has 6 sisters, he’s the only boy and are from a farming family. They are very competitive and jealous of one another and it’s who has the better paying job, the bigger house the better clothes, cars, etc…. His dad was a sloppy, sarcastic alcoholic who never took responsibility for his actions and everyone was expected to look the other way. The girls could do no wrong and were treated like princesses while my husband was blamed for everything.My husband is a great guy and would give you the shirt off his back. If his mom didn’t like something I said or didn’t agree with her she would tell her girls and the next time I saw them, snotty remarks were made toward me. If we went to see my family instead of being with them we were dirt. Even though he saw his folks everyday on the farm. Eventually I had to set some boundaries and keep my distance. I became dirt and the reason they felt the family was falling apart.I say I because my husband was spineless and very defensive, wouldn’t say anything to them in fear of being attacked (verbally)even though he knew what they had done or said. It was normal for his family and he’s say I was too sensitive. Well eventually I sought counseling and had to go on anti-depressants. One sister in particular is a trouble maker and another says there isn’t anyone in the family she hasn’t caused trouble with. The others stand by her and say that’s the way she is. He used to attend family gatherings with the kids when they were young without me. Thank God I work 2nd shift and everyother weekend. Eventually my daughter began to see and experience the same behaviors, and she quit going except for holidays. Family gatherings are chaos to say the least. Women congregate in the kitchen, to gossip, compete and brag. I am treated like the plague. They say hello but that is the extent of it. The rest of the time I usually sit and listen to this absolute nonsense conversations ( if you can call it that with everyone trying to overtalk each other. They plan get togethers and at the last minute call my husband to let him know. Usually The day before. Or it’s a last minute idea and we’re expected to be there. plans or no plans and then we’re called inflexible. My problem now is… I feel left out. My family is scattered around, I don’t get to see them often, I have few friends who have their own families. I lost my mother unexpectedly almost 3 years ago, my daughter just moved to college and I am feeling very lonely. Perhaps it’s the holiday season approaching, but I am feeling so blue. My daughter asked what we were doing for Thanksgiving and said just the 4 of us? I am a fun person. But I have let this incredible situation define me and I Don’t know how not to let it. Any help and/or suggestions would be appreciated.
Sharon, it’s time to start making new holiday traditions and plans that don’t include people that bring you down. Holidays are meant to be fun, but if that is not the case when the hubby’s family is included, then don’t include them. At all. Let them say and feel whatever they want – let them gossip, moan and groan about you – they would anyway. If holidays are a dread because of toxic family, change the way you celebrate the holidays and bring back the fun and excitement.
Family is family even if there are only 4 people attending a holiday gathering, and you can decide ways to make it fun and entertaining and stress free. Love, laughter, joy etc during the holidays (and in between) is what matters most – not the number of people there. Keep the conversation light and happy, enjoy good food and talk about fun times where you remember and reminisce (sp?)about things that make everyone laugh and have a good time. Plan some fun games to play that bring about laughter. Pictionary comes to mind.
When his family calls at the last minute with an expectation that your family drop everything at their beck-and-call, tell them that you already have plans and won’t be able to attend. If your hubby decides to go, so be it, but there is nothing that requires you to go and put up with their noxious behaviors.
If you want, you or your hubby can let them know that you both prefer to make plans in advance rather than just “flying by the seat of your pants” and doing things last minute. Otherwise, don’t give them an explanation at all, they aren’t owed one.
When was the last time you went out of town for the holidays? When was the last time you made plans ahead of time to enjoy Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Years with your family out of town? When was the last time you took a vacation and went to visit your family?
Remember, holidays are meant to be with family and loved ones, and that includes your family who have children and in-laws of their own. Where is it written that you must spend the holidays with his family, rather than your own? Change things up Sharon – it’s about time. Take your power back.
If you can’t afford to go out of town for any of the upcoming holidays, there is absolutely nothing wrong with at least asking your friends if they have made plans for Thanksgiving yet and how they would feel about making it a larger group with you, your daughter, hubby etc? Perhaps one or more of your friends may say they haven’t got plans either!, and you might offer to host Thanksgiving lunch or dinner at your place and have them all bring something. You can have a blast! You won’t know until you ask, and you just might discover that they’re thrilled you brought it up! Maybe things on their side of the family aren’t too peachy either and they’re looking for ways to celebrate without crazy family involved too.
Hi, Sharon. I’m sorry you can’t have the nice holidays everyone likes to share with family.
In my case, I was blessed to have had a wonderful family (my ex’s) for the time he and I were married. His family was great and we visited with them often. After our divorce, my present husband and I visited his aunt & uncle every summer until they were gone. I kept in touch with my ex’s parents until they were gone, also.
Unfortunately, my own family was not close because of our mother’s problems and attitude about us. We were not visiting much even though my brothers & I tried. It was sad for all of us. Now, only my one brother & I are left. We won’t let what time we have left be like it was when our parents were alive.
I wish you had good memories, but you can start to have good memories and traditions, like Lin said, with your husband, kids, and friends. Extended family can be just what we need when we don’t have our own family nearby. Maybe you can get a low rate to fly to see your family, or maybe they can visit you. Good luck and keep thinking about all the blessings you DO have.
Hi Betty,
Thanks for dropping in and giving Sharon some encouragement. P.S. I edited your comment to remove the “yahoo” url. When commenting, it’s not necessary to put anything there; it’s really meant for people who have websites or blogs to put their site address there.
Thank you for your comments and understanding. It’s just so bizarre,the whole thing. Respect in their family is a foreign word. It just really upsets me at this time of year. And you are both right, it is time to start new traditions and be happy about it. Thanks again.
wow! As I read all of the many stories on this page..I just couldn’t believe how many of these same experiences I’ve had throughout my life in dealing with my toxic sister. I’ve read many books on toxic people,but I just in August came to the conclusion that the only way to deal with her was to unplug & detatch. And so I did. However,now just today actually,my dad came over because he just found out from my sister that I don’t want her around me or my daughter anymore. He told me “get a grip!” you’re ruining our family!” I know my dad has been sheltered from much of the heinous and hateful crap she’s done to me because I always end up looking “crazy” or the one who’s to blame because I get so emotional in trying to explain the severity of her hate for me. I need some advice in how to handle my parents comments as we live in a very small community and my parents have been finacially helping me with my daughter since I’m a single mom and struggling to make ends meet. Iam so thankful and grateful for their financial support- but they aren’t emotionally supportive and have always encouraged me to not make waves and sweep everything under the rug..and honestly I’m 35yrs old and tired of allowing my sister’s toxic treatment affect me! However, even though I’ve unplugged from her in Aug. she’s constantly spreading horrible untrue rumors about me to my parents, family friends,people around town,etc. things you wouldn’t even make up about an enemy ..these are highly damaging falsehoods. I’m trying to tell myself not to care becAUse people who know me wont believe her but I feel helpless…like she’s still got the upperhand on ruining my life ..just now she makes up things now that she’s not in my life. Any suggestions that may be useful for me? Thank you all for sharing your stories, I don’t feel so alone.
Hi Lola,
Dealing with a sister who is toxic is hard enough, but then to have to defend yourself with your parents on top of that must be very frustrating. From what you’re saying, it appears as though your sister is making sure your parents are NOT being sheltered and protected from the gossip and perhaps even “slander”. The problem is, it’s all from her point of view and her perspective. Which of course tends to cause your parents to react the way they do. Your sister is running to your parents and telling them this or that about you, how you don’t want her around you and your daughter, and with no clear (emotionless) explanation from you, they don’t know what to think. All they want, what any parent would want, is for everyone in the family to get along great and everyone treat each other kindly and with respect etc. Sometimes that just isn’t possible, especially when a toxic person is running around spreading gossip and lies about one or more people in the family.
When you say you get emotional when trying to explain some things to your father, I assume that means you start to cry or perhaps even raise your voice or yell in your own defense when talking to your parents. You have to learn to control your emotions, don’t cry etc, when your father or parents together come looking for an explanation. I know it’s hard, but if you think about it, guys in particular don’t handle emotional situations very well (especially crying women) – except with anger.
I would first suggest that you get yourself in a position of not receiving financial help from your parents. You are 35 years old, with a child of your own. Find ways to cut back on your expenses, eliminate needless spending or buying things that are not really needed, and take full responsibility for your own finances and live within your own means. I get the feeling that since your parents have been helping you financially that you feel a sense of obligation to do things their way. Eliminate the “need” of their help financially, and the stress you feel will be greatly reduced.
You may feel that you need to plead your case with your parents, or at least your father. If so, then perhaps making a list of some of the things your sister has been saying/doing that have severely affected the relationship between you two might help. Only list absolute FACTS, things you are 100% sure of and things you can actually prove. Leave out things that are more “trivial” in nature or things you assume are happening, but list the most serious and most heinous things that attack your character, as in “character assassination”. Then, you can either talk to your parents fully prepared with FACTS about how your sister has been spreading malicious lies and slander about you to others, and that those things have gotten back to you (explain how) and that as an adult you have made the personal decision not to allow her toxic attitude and negative behaviors to affect you and your child anymore. Or, you can write your parents a letter explaining the above with facts, without any emotion at all. Just clear and defined explanation of the actual facts of what has been done, without any exclamation points thrown in for extra emphasis etc – that shows anger and emotion. Just be precise. At the end, explain that you know they may not be able to understand why you feel you must take drastic action to distance yourself from your sister, but you’ve not wanted to involve them in these things and didn’t want to appear as being the gossip yourself. Slander, if that is occurring, is a very serious matter and in some states (I’m not sure which ones), people involved in slandering other people’s reputation and character can be arrested and charged with a crime. The best thing you can do right away is get yourself in a position of taking care of your own financial matters 100%, even if it means going without some things that aren’t a real need.
Hello,
I love that people talk about this stuff because it can be so consuming and frustrating at times. Anyway, I am engaged to the most perfect guy I have ever met (Jeff); however, his two older siblings (Joanne and Jack) don’t get along with their parents or Jeff.; supposedly it’s because Jeff has almost always sided with his parents and they don’t like that. They have made it very clear they don’t want any communication. It has been over a year and a half since they have spoken and during that time Jack got married and sent a certified letter to his parents and my fiancé saying they are not invited. Jeff immediately respected it but Jeff’s parents after a ton of people telling them to respect Jack’s wishes drove to the wedding and thankfully turned around and went back home before they got there. They do however still call and leave messages and emails which have never been responded to. Here’s where I need help. I love Jeff and want to marry him; everything is perfect with us; however, I have a problem letting Jeff’s parents continually tell me how they are going to approach them and go to their house even when it is clearly known their kids want nothing to do with them. When Jeff’s parents start to talk like that I get really frustrated because they won’t get it through their head and then they cry and holidays are ruined. I don’t know how to separate myself. Please help me. I don’t want to be rude but I can’t stand it. Jeff’s parents are draining!
Hi Jenny,
Wow, wow, wow. Is your fiance’ around at the time his parents start talking about going over to their house, or is this when you are with the parents alone? I’m assuming that it most likely happens when the two of you are together. What does Jeff say about it? Does he just ignore it, tune it out and/or try to change the subject? Anything? Since these are his parents, it’s really important to try to come to an understanding about this between you and Jeff, so that HE can talk to his folks and kindly explain that as much as you both understand and respect how they feel about the separation from their other kids – BOTH of you would appreciate it if they would leave you and him out of the discussions. If you have explained to Jeff how you feel when this happens and Jeff understands/agrees that it’s stressful and upsetting – then Jeff needs to step up and talk to his parents about this. He can explain to his parents that as much as he realizes the pain they are going through with this situation, there isn’t anything you/Jeff can do about it to remedy the problems, and that the continuous discussions about it with you is placing undue burden on both of you. Jeff needs to respectfully ask his parents in a very kind, respectful and understanding manner (considering the fact this situation must truly break their hearts) to please resist talking about this with you two, and perhaps consider speaking to a minister or counselor if they feel they need someone to talk to/vent to etc. If his parents keep doing it, after Jeff has explicitly explained it to them, then you and Jeff may need to decide together as a couple to set some boundaries on how often you will or won’t get together with his folks – until you find the situation has improved to what is comfortable for both of you. It’s for your own health, the health of your upcoming marriage etc that you and Jeff need to take necessary steps to put a stop to this, while at the same time understanding that these folks feel like they’re hearts are being ripped apart. Good luck!
Hello,
This subject on toxic relationships really hit me where I live. I have been dealing with my mom and my sisters and their toxic behaviers for over 30+ years. I thought for years that I was loosing my mind and I even found a website an hour a go for anxiety and stress management to seek help. I grew up in a home that was totally disfuctional. My mother was an alcoholic for all of my childhood and most of my adulthood, the only stability I had was weekend visits with my grandparents as well as summer vacations. When I finally became strong enough to leave home my mother would follow me and sometimes my sisters too. My relationship with my family was so toxic and they were so manipulating, years later I took my two sons and moved miles away. Much to my surprise my mom and one of my sisters followed me and they eventually left and moved back to our hometown because of lack of finances. Oh, I failed to mention that my mom eventually stopped drinking and starting going to church which didn’t change alot, she just got older with the same toxic behavior which she has kept hidden until she decided to move in with me two months ago. I realized that I was living with the same manipulative, controlling, and rebellious person and the only thing missing was the alcohol. She receives a call everyday from one of my sisters and they discuss other peoples faults and mistakes. When I sat down and talked to my mother about how she would waste most of her day talking with my sister and gossiping about other people she got upset with me and told me that she loved my sister and that she was not going to stop talking to her and she hasn’t. They talk almost everyday still gossiping about others and maybe me also while I am at work or at home. I have a great job and I am in college for Business Management. My mom will approach me while I am studying and put papers in my face to read. She will talk on the phone to my sister (same sister) standing over me gossiping while I am on my computer looking up important information. She will then tell my sister that I am quiet, like that would seem real odd to her. Is this relationship toxic or what? I know for a fact that the sister that she talks to often, is not going to let her live with her. She has made that clear and the other two won’t either. I am at my wits end with my mother and she thinks that she is right and others are wrong. She doesn’t work, receives social security and maybe only worked hard 10 years out of her whole life of 71 years, but I think it is time for her to move into her own place. She distracts me with things that are not important just so she can get my attention. I am so glad I read about the comments on toxic relationships because I need to get free once and for all. I don’t want to abandon my mother but I need some peace and stability in my life seeing that I am 48 years old and I have been dealing with this most of my life. I am stressed out with her living with me and I believe she’s only doing it because I have a new car and a good job and am moving into a new home. I also have a nephew that wants to hang at my house all the time and refuses to leave unless I get upset and put him out. My nephew waits until I am not at home and my mother lets him into my house and he stays until he thinks I’m coming home then he leaves. He is the son of one of my other sisters and he has taken on this same attitude as my mother and sisters. I have cut them off before and I know that it will happen again. I have to take responsibility for my own well being and show my family that I really mean business and I will not put up with them any longer.
Hi Lisa,
Dealing with toxic parents is very hard on children, especially when you consider the various ways toxicity shows itself within relationships. Since your mother is in her elderly years, she certainly needs care and attention from everyone in the family, but at the same time there needs to be boundaries in order to reduce stress. Is there perhaps a senior living/independent living apartment complex specifically made for the elderly in your area at all where she can live? She certainly wants and needs attention just like any of us would want and need in our own elderly years, but there are limits to what can continue putting up with. I wrote an article about taking care of aging parents as a family awhile back, and hopefully there is some points there that can be gleaned to help spread the responsibility of taking care of your mother so it’s not primarily/only on your shoulders. I would also suggest looking into government programs that may be of assistance in providing monies to help take care of her financially, if her own income is very limited, such as social security etc.
I am having a hard time with a few toxic sister-in-laws of mine. They are sisters that married my husbands 2 brothers. I feel like I have been targeted by them since they joined the family. We live with my mother and father-in-law and they have everyone over for dinner on Sundays, and I literally have panic attacks just thinking about having them over. they have never been very good about disciplining their children and it has somehow caused me to feel like I have to over disciplining mine just to prove a point, though I am not sure any point has been made. My children are no better for being punished for things they don’t do wrong. I don’t want to look like the bad guy, but I fear other family members won’t understand how much damage they do to me and my family and why it would be better to not associate with them more then we need to. We are moving out soon and we honestly don’t care at this point if we never see any of them again. I don’t know how to tell them that feelings have been hurt without sounding like a little baby who needs to just get over it or if it is best to just keep our distance and not say anything. Obviously there is more detail to it, but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
Elizabeth,
I’m glad to hear you are moving out soon. Those situation don’t usually work out very well, so having a place of your own will do a lot to reduce if not eliminate much of the stress you’ve been experiencing.
Since you all live with your mother-in-law and father-in-law and the home is theirs and not yours, you really don’t have much say in the matter of how those unruly kids are or aren’t disciplined. You can only make sure you and your husband are raising your children right and with good manners etc. Of course, the sooner you move out the better.
I personally don’t see the benefit of telling anyone that feelings have been hurt etc, because for the most part everyone will just blow off what you’re saying as being whining. Before you move out, you could always OPT to “have other plans” on Sunday’s which would allow you and your family to do something else away from the chaos and return a couple hours later when everyone has left. It’s just an idea of course, but the sooner you move out the better. Once you’ve moved out, you can then decide what will or won’t go on in your own home.
my daughter-in-lwa tries to control my days, who i see, when i can babysit my other grandkids, who i can be friends with everything about my life, i let it drag me down lower than low, now that i have detatched myself from her she is calling wanting me to have something to do with her, she had forbade me to ever see my beautiful grandkids again to try to use them as her power over me so i completely stopped letting her use them by cutting her off completely, it strained my relationship with my son but i couldn’t do anything else. now she is wanting to try to get back in there but i just assume not. i have informed her that we can keep the peace but that is as far as i want as a relationship. i would like to see my grandkids but they are the parents and it is their choice. i don’t want to hurt my babies so if i can’t see them now i will when they are older. she says she will allow me to see them but i iknow from past experience that she will forbid me again and that is just repeated pain for them and me, what do you think i should do. i want to see them with every part of my being but at what expense, i mean how much damage is this going to do to them in the long run.
I have thought of this for the past few days and I believe I am suffering from a toxic relationship. It is underlined…this person seems to live a perfect life but always manages to make others feel not good about themselves. I don’t have to deal with this on an on-going basis because she lives in another state…but when she comes to visit she leaves some of us feeling terrible. She does it in a way that it is not direct hit but more indirect…somehow it is almost as though we are making it up. She is a beautiful woman but she will seek our men and make it seem as though she is just tryig to be friendly but she is sending signals to them. Being men they don’t seem to see this. I have experienced this for a life time as she is part of my family and I am tired of dealing with it. There are enough negative things on this Earth that I do not want to deal with this anymore. Just recently she has done this to me…and it is not the first time. I have decided to give up my relationship because the man fed into her approach and I felt very betrayed. She has left again but the broken shattered relationship remains here. For her she just did what she normally does…just proved to herself yes she is beautiful and she can get any man she wants. It does not matter to her that she has caused much stress and much heartbreak. I really don’t want a relationship with a man that will flirt openingly infront of me. I also don’t want to feel as though I am dirt and my heart does not mean anything. I realize I need to not allow myself to get into this type of thing with her again. I really don’t know how to deal with this but it will come to me. It has been helpful for me to tell my story here. I am very upset but I will be ok. This was an eight year relationship and she has given signals to my partner before but I did not pay attention but this time I had enough.
Wow, this is some deep stuff. As I’m searching the web for some help in my situation and looking for some therapy thinking I’m the problem. At last, an answer to my situation. I’ve endured years of abuse because of a toxic mother and it’s so difficult to cut the relationship off totally because she’s my mother. My mother has bullied me all my life. She has forced my family and I into situations that almost broke us apart. Do you have any books that you recommend or website on how to deal with a toxic mother. I don’t want to lose my husband and I don’t want my children to have to go through what I went through and still going through.
Hi Sandra,
Yes, there is an excellent book for people dealing with a toxic parent – whether it be a mother or a father. Here’s a link to Amazon about the book called Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life that I’m positive will help you. Sometimes cutting off the relationship is all you can do for your own health and well-being, but even then…there are still things you can do to help take care of her in the elderly years etc – but from a distance. Hang in there!
Hi, Sandra!
Just wanted to tell you that you have come to the right place for help. Lin is wonderful, and we are all here to listen and let you know you are not alone. We can also share our experiences and perhaps give you some things you can try.
Many people are in the difficult predicament of having parents who are toxic people, but because we love our parents, we feel guilty about having negative feelings toward them.
My brothers & I have been there. It was a difficult & rocky road for all of us that ended in 2008 when our mother passed away. We have felt sadness, guilt, and feelings of low self-esteem. We loved our mother, but knew she was not well. We even tried to let what she said roll off our backs, but it usually ended with us not having contact with her for long periods of time. She succeeded in pushing away most of her family and it caused a lot of unnecessary pain for all. I do remember good times throughout our lives, but during our teen-age and adult years, she became more and more abusive.
I hope she finally has peace wherever she is. think she was a lost soul. I envy friends who have good relationships with their parents. It was the only thing missing in our lives, but it was so important.
When it gets too bad to deal with it, you can only do what we had to do and cut off contact (at least for awhile). Sometimes our mom was in a more up beat mood and we could have fairly good conversations. We just had to make sure we didn’t let her go off on a tangent and start being abusive. When it seemed like she would go that way, we would pretend we had an appointment in about fifteen minutes and say good bye. That made it much better because we didn’t give her time to stew and rant and rave.
She became reclusive when she lost her central vision which had to be scary for her. We each tried to get her to move in with us for many years so we could help her, but she would not hear of it. We even offered to move into a house with a separate apartment for her, but that was rejected, as well. She hated the State where we live so it was not an option. She hated her daughter-in-law so would not move in with my brother. A no-win situation. Too bad. She missed being with us and her grandchildren. They didn’t know her.
I felt guilty for so long, but lately I have been able to put that aside as something I didn’t create. If you can, you should do that, too. If you have done your best to have a relationship with her, don’t blame yourselves if it hasn’t worked. You can only pray for her as we do.
Take care and know you have a lot of support.
Betty
I’ve been in a toxic relationship for over 2 years, a very complex relationship over my childhood sweetheart. In order not to bore the reader, I will try to condense it all.
1.We have both been married to others for over 20 years.
2.I have recently signed divorce papers and my house is in contract for sale.
3.Childhood sweetheart lives in Chicago and I live in New York.
4.We have 2 children each, respectively. Mine are young adults, and hers are both in there last year of H.S.
5.Her husband has stage 3 metastacised colon cancer.
6.We have been planning for a life together as soon as her children go off to College in August,2010.
7.We have been seeing each other an average of every other week for a couple of days together.
8.Our spouses know about the entire situation.
9.We love each other very much. That’s undeniable.
10.WE QUARREL OFTEN REGARDING THE CURRENT SITUATION.
“M” and I have been on this rollercoaster since late October of 2008. All along, I have wanted her to get divorced during the same time frame as myself, however, she claims that she needs to finish the mission of her children graduating High School in Chicago, and has promised to begin a life of transition with me as early as this upcoming month, meaning, I would get an apartment for Us both here and she would spend most of the time with me here in N.Y., and fly to Chicago to be with her children until they graduate. (70/30)
The problem is that we argue most of the time by phone/ and texting due to a host of factors which are mostly related to Her- “still” living with her ill husband and My family having already left my home. This entire process has been agonizing, you see, all along, if it were up to me, she would have been my wife a lonnnnngggg time ago already. She has a way of letting our problems fester in the belief that they will go away by themselves or addressing them @ a later time, and I’M NOT USED TO THAT, not at all. W
Henry, please forgive me if I sound a tad judgmental here, but I’m having a bit of difficulty with this scenario.
You refer to this relationship as a Toxic Relationship. If it really is toxic, why are you putting yourself through such misery knowing how awful these relationships turn out for people? The last couple of words that you were trying to add to your comment/question that got lost, since you sent a second comment to clarify that, were Will we make it? If the relationship is toxic, do you really want this kind of relationship for yourself? Really?
2. Her husband is very very ill, and even if both spouses are aware of your relationship, do you really feel it is kind and loving for her to just leave her sick husband and take up residence with you right now?
What’s the rush? Really, what is the rush?
The arrangement you said that you two agreed to is that the two of you are planning a life together when her children graduate high school and go off to college, in August of 2010. That’s several months away.
Why are you pushing for her to move in with you NOW, as opposed to when she agreed to initially? I’m sorry, but this sounds rather pushy and if I may say so myself….rather controlling on your part.
Her husband is ill. She has two children she of course feels the motherly need to see off to college in August of 2010 – 8 months away from now, yet you are pushing her and apparently arguing with her because as you say…she is “still” living with her ill husband. I would HOPE SO! I can’t even imagine what her children would think or feel if their mother left their ill (dying?) father to rush off and be with you. She’s a married woman! Ill husband or not, she’s a married woman! With responsibilities to her husband and children!
Ask yourself, do you really really want a toxic relationship? Is it possible, and I mean simply possible, that you yourself may have some toxic tendencies – because you are wanting what you want and you want it NOW? Like I said, I’m sorry if I sound judgmental, but this is ridiculous. And very very sad all around.
You asked, Will you make it? I don’t know. It doesn’t sound good from the start, and things like this often don’t get better – they get worse. Much worse.
I really feel like my wife fits all 10 traits that are listed in this article, while I probably carry some of the same traits as well. I would love to get help or counseling, but I have no idea where to start. I feel like I’m already dead inside. What do I do?
JP,
You feel that your wife is toxic? Do you feel as though you are an abused husband by chance? Emotionally abused? Mentally? Physically perhaps? I’ve been hearing from a lot of men over the last few months who tell me their stories of being abused by their wives in various ways. I’ve discussed abused men and abused husbands here in a couple of posts on the “home” page. I’d like for you to take a few minutes and read those two articles about abused husbands and men in abusive relationships and lets see if you agree that IT is the issue you are facing.
I am in a very sad situation with my partner’s daughter and his EX and now it has extended to the brother-in-law and his wife. Very toxic people! The child has a mother who supports her lies, behavior, etc and when I have stood up and called them on it, they paint me as the horrible person. The Ex chose to leave the marriage, but not the family. The family is very close to the Ex and the child and now the brother-in-law and sister of my partner are telling me that I my behavior is immature and silly. I am the only one that has stood my ground with my partner’s child with her lying, manipulative behavior.
My partner is very supportive of me and the only way we can avoid the toxic behavior from the Ex, the child and now the brother-in-law and sister is to not associate with them at family functions.
What is going to become of this 16 year old girl when she leaves her Mother’s protective web and ventures out into the world? How do we STOP the lies and manipulation from spreading?
Hi Lorianne,
My question to you is, what is your partner doing about it? What is he doing to help stop the lies and manipulations from spreading? What is he doing to make his own family understand the situation as it really is, including outwardly and verbally showing his support for you?
Truthfully, there is only so much that you personally can do, because the child is his and you aren’t the girl’s mother or step-mother. The ball is really in your partner’s court, and it’s up to him to take the bull by the horns so to speak and confront the situation/his daughter and deal with it head on. Perhaps getting a therapist or counselor involved with family therapy, a school counselor is an option, can help weed through the muck, lies and manipulations and help cause the girl to tell the truth.
Whether or not counseling will put a stop to the lies or not all depends on how deep the therapy can do in trying to get the daughter to fess up and realize the damage she’s doing. Getting to the bottom WHY the lies are happening, what is going on in her mind and heart to cause her to do these things, should be put high on the priority list.
My partner had confronted the family members who are behaving negatively and they all are ignoring him. They have chosen to align with his Ex-wife. When the child is called on her behavior, she says what the person wants to hear and then immediately does the opposite.
She has had counseling, but obviously it has done nothing to improve her behavior or attitude. As long as she has the support from her Mother and other family members, she has free reign to do whatever she pleases toward her father and me.
She threatened me three years back that she would do whatever it took to break us up. Her father did not take her threat seriously, but I did.
I fear for this child’s future and my partner and I have made the decision to stay away from these toxic family members.
What happens to people like this that are toxic and manipulative. I tend to believe that the kid has a mental disorder to be so cruel and inconsiderate and to be able to influence her aunts and uncle? Mmmm.
Lorianne,
I did some quick searches online for information about pathological lying, pathological liars, narcississm, pathological narcississm, personality disorders + lying, habitual lying and a couple more search terms I can’t think of right now. Some of the search results I got were forums where teenagers (or adults talking about when they were teenagers) who admitted to being a pathological liar or habitual liar. Each of them said the only thing that “cured” them of lying, was having a tough-as-nails counselor who “don’t take no sh*t” and who could see right through the nonsense, plus family counseling/involvement with family members separately (to get the full scoop on the problems) and also family counseling together.
Also, some of the people talking in forums/message boards about lying teenagers (regardless of whether they had been tested or diagnosed as having a personality disorder or not) said the teens had very very low self esteem and that getting them involved with things that will make them feel better about themselves INSIDE their own hearts and minds helped improve (to an extent). I think a combination of a really tough counselor plus building the girls self esteem should be considered as possibilities. A tough, no nonsense counselor could arrange separate meetings with family members including you and hubby to get to the bottom of the problems, then probably with the other side of the family, and a really good take-no-prisoners type counselor could get to the bottom of it. Think about that, ok?
Thank you for this great info. We did take the teen to a no nonsense counselor and she could see the situation very clearly. When my hubby was married to her mother, they both went and the counselor saw right through the Mother’s BS and the Mom only went three times, cause she was called on her stuff.
Yes, the kid is very insecure and she is an ONLY child who has stated she does not like sharing. She has a step-father, but he is not allowed to discipline this child because Mom says so. The step-dad has two kids and whenever they come for the weekend, the teen leaves the home and the aunts and uncle take her in.
I know that the aunts and uncle will NOT attend counseling as they say there is nothing wrong with what they are doing.
The teen has an aunt that was like this in her teens and she suffered years of depression and rejection and finally at 50 is being honest with who she is, but of course is ALONE.
She has a Mother that supports her behavior and she lives full time with Mom. I know that if something happens to this teen..Mom will disown her in a heartbeat!
I love my husband, but I am NOT prepared to participate any longer in her or other family members manipulative behavior. My husband is afraid of losing his daughter completely.
Hello Lin and everyone,
I was grateful to have found this link. I’m going through a very difficult time. I’ll give some background 1st…
My sister and I have been like chalk and cheese all of our lives. I just turned 50 and she is 45. I was the loner/geek growing up and finally married when I was 40. She was always the pretty one always getting the boy. She would start hurting me at a very young age. I wound up getting chubby because food would comfort me. My sister would always say I’d never have a boyfriend.
While growing up, she was the difficult daughter…getting pregnant when she was 15. My parents had sent her away to a disaplinary school because she would stay out past midnight at 13! At the disaplinary school my parents paid over $10,000 a year for 2 years for, she met a young guy who got her pregnant at 15. She never married him. Our folks helped her raise that daughter. Her 1st marriage was to her high school teacher once she turned 18! There were also times she sold herself inbetween marriages to support herself…among other odd jobs. She developed “street smarts” and fine tuned her manipulation skills as the years passed. She has since been married 2 more times…the latest divorce was just 2 years ago. She married a millionare who had strip clubs in Las Vegas. That guy made up a pre nup so she had to be married to him for so long before she could get any $$$ if she wanted to divorce him. I will add that she had admitted to me and to our folks that ed him for $$$…Geesssh. She wound up having 2 daughters. Her 2nd was during her 2nd marriage. Both of her daughters are alcoholics…the oldest having 2 daughters of her own. would you believe her 1st child was at 15 too? And my sister’s mother (had her when she was 14!…and gave her up for adoption…so there are 4 generations that had their 1st child by 15!)…anyway…
I spent nearly 40 of those 50 years trying to be her sister. I would have to do backflips for her to even call me. I’d always feel hurt that she didn’t love me…didn’t care about me.
I’m here in Nebraska. When our step mom died while her and dad were visiting my husband and I, she flew out to visit us and to be supportive…or so I thought.
After all the arrangements were made for my mother’s ashes to be sent back down to Florida (where our folks retired), my sister flew down with dad. she said that she would help get dad settled back at his home for a few weeks. She also made herself EX of dad’s will “in case” anything happened to him, he would be taken care of. She explained it to me that since she had the $$$ with her current husband and free time, she could fly down on a whim and take care of him. At the time, it made sense to me. someone had to be there I thought.
Well, 2 years passed and she moved down to Florida within 15 miles of dad…right after her pre nup with her last husband expired. What did that tell me? She had a plan. Is it my imagination to believe her thoughts are pure to take care of dad….and not try to control his assests/$$$?
Well, again I’ll just mention that I spent 40 years trying to be close to her…and she would always be evasive, aloof, and I would catch her in lies. She was an artist at not having time for me. I would call her up at times hoping to get sympathy, compassion or empathy when i was going through a difficult time…it’s as if she was a stone.
Speeding up to the current time…
Our dad had just been admitted to the hospital at 87 for severe low sodium…and Altzheimer’s is just starting to set in too. I’m devastated! I’m also laid up with a broken leg and my husband and I don’t have the $$$ to fly down and see day til maybe Sept or October.
My sister called me to let me know dad was in the hospital about 5 days ago.
I need to inject a few other points…almost done…whew!
Back around April last year, dad would call me up and tell me that my sister was checking out his $$$ in his bank…the tellers at the bank would tell him!!! She was also trying to get him “committed” by going to his Dr.
Our dad was so upset. He didn’t even feel comfortable being in his own home
The last things I wast to say is about the few conversations my sister and I have had over the past several days. The 1st time she called me was to imform me about dad in the hospital and what happened. She added that she doesn’t want to be my sister and told me to stay away from her because I’m toxic to her!!!!!!!!!!!! I cried over the phone and asked her why she wasn’t even treating me like a human being. She said because all we do is disagree and argue everytime we talk and she can’t be bothered! Then she said in a sickening sweet voice…would you like me to keep you updated on dad’s condition? I said sure…what else was I supposed to say…I was in shock!
She then called me 2 days later. I had already had a bouquet of flowers sent for dad in the hospital.
Ok, another side track I must take so you can see the full picture…
Her current living situation is with her oldest daughter who is a 30 year old alcohalic. My sister is taking care of her 2 children…her grandchildren (5 & 8). The youngest had ADD and another mental disability…not exactly a healthy enviornment for bringing in an elderly father to take care of!
So during her 2nd call to me, she told me the update with dad and his losing more of his comprehension…and he is still very confused.
My sister was convincing me that she would stay with dad for the 1st 2 weeks at his house and then she would clear out a bedroom in her home for dad to stay. I knew that would be bad for dad, but I bit my lip and didn’t argue…afraid she would stop letting me know about dad.
I then sat for a few hours and worried myself sick about her plan…and my dad’s care. I called him at the hospital and I wanted to make sure he had his antenna’s up. I want him to be happy. I know he had made plans for himself to go to a Vetern’s nursing home “when” the time came, but I worried that my sister would try and botch that up if she was trying to take control of everything…especially after what she told me she was planning of doing when he got out of the hospital.
Well, you know what dad told me? Your sister is yanking your chain!! I was devastated. Although 1/2 of the conversation he was confused, he was aware of that!! He was still getting upset at the thought of what my sister might do, so the alarm went off with his blood pressure…which the nurse probably thought I was the terrible daughter for upsetting him…AGH!
The next day I called the church and talked with dad’s pastor. She told me that my sister had no intention fo bringing dad into her home.
So now, the church thinks I’m the nutty daughter and so do the folks in the hospital…and it’s my sister that is the manipulator!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I was becoming sick from all of this today…my sister making me out to be a fool, playing head games to push my buttons knowing I am an emotional person with a heart. So I left her a message on her answering machine today…”I called the hospital and the church and I’m thrilled to hear dad won’t be staying in your unhealthy enviornment in your home and will be going into a facility after the hospital”.
She called me back an hour later and I wouldn’t pick up the phone. I just can’t talk to her anymore. today I became so ill. Have mercy!
I spent almost my entire life trying to be her sister and I see her true colors for what they are now. I always believed that “someday I pray we’ll be close”. I’m now out of denial.
Please help me to understand my sister’s need to be so cruel…
I spent 40 years wasting my time…
As if that wasn’t enough, she had to tell me outright she doesn’t want to be my sister…and then tell me lies about dad to make me look bad in front of others…at the hospital and the church…as if I was the “loopy” emotional one who is trying to hurt dad…(crying).
The only thing that I have managed to look at to keep my sanity is realizing that not only can’t she keep a marriage/relationship, she doesn’t seem to do well with her daughters either…and certainly not with me? what kind of a life is that?
Can you also tell me how I can get out from under her spell of making me look bad in front of others? I don’t even realize it even happens til after the fact
Bless your hearts for reading my grief,
Susan
Susan,
Oh my Lord! Your sister sounds just plain evil, jealous and vicious to the core. In some ways, the way you describe her attitude and actions fit perfectly in how a sociopath tears people and families apart. I’m not saying she is or isn’t, it’s just very interesting how some people can fool others and manipulate people into believing their hideous lies. Why she does this to you? I can think of a few “personality disorders” that might fit the bill perfectly, but unfortunately, there really isn’t a “cure” for this. Other than removing yourself from any contact with her whatsoever, or at least on an extremely limited level.
Sue, there is no way possible for you to prevent or stop her from saying whatever she’s going to say about you to others. You know that. You have to get to a place within yourself, in your heart and mind, where what others think or say about you doesn’t break you into pieces. You can’t spend your life worrying and getting upset over the lies she tells others about you, and given the fact that she’s taking great pains to inflict injury on you, you would do well to create a quarry-like distance between you and her. “Let go” of her – she’s toxic to you and will only continue to hurt you. For as long as you allow her to. Don’t take her calls; block her number if you want; return (unopened) any cards or letters you may receive (“return to sender”; don’t open or read any emails from her; if your email provider allows you to “bounce” back emails from certain people you don’t to hear from…, then exercise your right to have any/all of her emails to be sent right back to her unopened. Have you heard of Incredimail? Look it up online. It’s a great tool that works well with existing email accounts/servers, where you can “bounce” unwanted emails right back to people (plus Incredimail has lots of other options as well..I love it), and it makes it appear as though your email address is no longer valid. hehehe
Another thing, given the situation with your dad, his age, health, etc and how awful your sister is. (To say she’s a Gold Digger would be an understatement). Please make sure that you personally know everything there is to know about what your dad wants/needs etc at each stage as he gets older and needs more care. Make sure you have everything in writing. Copies of completed/signed/notorized forms necessary to ensure your father gets the care HE wants and needs, even though you are not right next door. Make sure your sister doesn’t have a loophole to jump through and steal your dad’s “estate”, where you are left with nothing in the end. If your dad’s mental capacity is changing, make sure you have things in order now, before it gets to the point where you (or your sister) starts scrambling to get forms filled out. Here’s a post I did awhile back about this very thing – it’s amazing how many people aren’t aware of all the things that are needed in caring for an elderly parent, and wait too long and often too late. Don’t wait. Make sure your father’s wishes, wants and needs are legally protected. No loopholes. No unsigned forms your sister can make an issue of. You don’t want to find yourself spending years in court battling probate or lawsuits over the will/estate. From the sound of it, your sister seems like the type who get a thrill from “sticking it to you” in court battles for years and years to come. Make sure everything, and I mean everything, is in order legally.
Your sister knows your buttons and she’s going to push them at every opportunity possible. That’s obviously who she is. Drama queen. She “gets off” on drama and creating conflict for others. You can’t turn off your own “buttons” but you can turn off her ability and access to push your buttons.
Hi Susan,
Sorry to hear what’s been happening, and I’m so happy you’re there, Lin, to help. My brother & I are going through hell with Mother’s family again with regard to her estate so please make sure you do as Lin said and document, document, document everything. We had no knowledge of some of this so could not do that, but we are trying to find someone to help us so our extended family doesn’t take everything like what has happened for years because of our parent’s separate estates. I am so fed up with our dysfunctional family, as a whole, because of events from 1994 to the present. Why are some families so bad? I think I’d rather deal with strangers than family anytime! I just can’t wait for the problems to start with the step-sons if my husband passes on before I do (I think they’ll try something even if I pass first. Their mother wants my antiques – the ones I brought to our marriage from my own home). Sometimes I think it would be better if there were no estates to leave behind. I think couples should spend everything and not worry about family. Didn’t they earn it? Shouldn’t they benefit? If there were not so many expectations, maybe families would not be so ugly to each other. Money is indeed the root of most of the evil that I know I have seen over the years!
Good luck. You can’t put yourself through this anymore. It isn’t good for your emotional or physical health. Not worth it. Toxic people are just that, toxic! They will survive even if you don’t. Don’t waste your time on someone who won’t ever change. What other people think isn’t important in the end. I had to mend a few relationships after my ex bad mouthed me to his colleagues even though what he said were all lies. He and his girlfriend (at the time) were extremely vindictive even though they were the ones pushing for the divorce. Just hatred on their part. Can’t understand what they were thinking. I didn’t do anything to keep them apart after their decision was made. So, do yourself a favor and forget about trying to save a relationship that was never there in the first place. We love you and will continue to pray for you!
I agree with getting away from toxic family members as they are miserable souls themselves with nothing better to do and it does give them a sense of power and well being on their behalf. I have made the decision NOT to interact with any of these people that have done nothing but undermine my character and decisions.
I sold all the furniture that my spouse and I brought into the marriage at an auction. We called family members and told them where and what time the action was being held and if they wanted any items to go and bid on them. Solved that in a hurry!
Beware, because family will try and take what is not theirs just because! Horrible behavior on their behalf!
Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a valid person and go forward with your hubby. The best revenge is being happy and content. They do not like that!
Lorianne
Hmm, wasn’t sure where to reply this time but I figured I’d reply way at the bottom to keep better track of where all the most current comments/discussions are.
Betty, you made a very good point. So did you Lorianne. (You ladies are truly awesome!)
Isn’t it amazing how, in society today, “kids” young, teenage and grown/adult have the attitude that parents owe their children pretty much everything their
selfishlittle hearts desire? The unrealistic and selfish expectation that parents owe their children an inheritance (amongst umpteen other things) is ludicrous.My personal thoughts on dealing with inheritances, especially in regards to passing along heirloom possessions that may likely get swiped by the wrong person/people is to gift those items to the recipient before you die (or become mentally/physically incapacitated). Even if you specifically write out a will, saying this or that goes to so-and-so upon my death etc, who is to say that the schmuck who isn’t supposed to get the item swipes it before the true recipient can get to it? Then there are broken hearts and hurt feelings, possibly lawsuits and court battles, over an heirloom meant for someone else. Personally, it means more to me to be able to present a gift of the heirloom/jewelry whatever to the intended person before my death, so I know they received it and I have those moments to share with the person I’m giving the gift too. Some things, maybe like furniture etc, can’t be done that way but you understand my meaning.
But you know what? Parents fall for the “you owe me” trap hook, line and sinker. If not in the comments section throughout my blog, then my email inbox is filled to the brim with parents who are going through much the same thing you all are, but are too afraid to comment. I’ve been very surprised, shocked really, at the number of parents who email me regularly through the blog contact form telling me how their adult daughter primarily (sometimes it’s the son) has been manipulating them into paying for a wedding they cannot possibly afford. Oh the tantrums these “kids” pull on parents would blow your mind. I’m not shocked very often anymore, but some emails or comments on various topics are truly shocking.
That is very good advice, Lin. I have already started sharing jewelry and other personal items with my kids. I want them to have the choice and if they don’t want something, I know I can dispose of that item and not worry about who has it. It won’t mattter.
Yeah, I have also seen some adult temper tantrums that would put two year olds to shame. It’s amazing how immature people can be. No wonder other societies see Americans as weak and soft.
I sure hope to live to see the pendulum swing the other way with regard to how parents do their parenting! Imagine having to have a reality show with a paid nanny who goes from house to house showing parents what they should already know! More than likely the parents weren’t taught enough about self-discipline and hard work by THEIR parents because their parents thought they were being good parents. We could all easily fall into that trap.
Well, hang in there and know you are doing right by telling your kids to grow up and do something for themselves.
Very good insight. I had a great aunt who I suggested gift her porcelain to family members before she died. Of course she did not and the majority went to her nephew and new third wife. My kids have not received an item and that is sad as the aunt wanted them to have certain pieces.
As for kids today…yes, allot have the attitude that they RULE the household and are entitled to disrupting family.
My husband’s daughter is one of those teens who has torn the family apart and is adamant that her Mother who has been divorced from her father for five years now is still very much part of the family. The unfortunate part is that my husband’s siblings support his Ex as being a part of the family. Between the teen and Mom, they have totally tried to destroy my character through lies and manipulative behavior and actions and now we have a brother-in-law and the youngest sister and their kids not talking to me and I am not allowed in their home because they believe the kid and Ex’s lies. The bro-in-law will talk to my husband as if nothing has happened. Games like this. They will not be happy until they completely alienate me from the entire family.
My husband has repeatedly talked to these people and told them their behavior is unacceptable, but they keep on going. Our only recourse is to remove ourselves from family dinners and events and that is not fair to my husband as he is a good, decent man and I am a good and honest person.
I am just in awe that people can be so malicious, hurtful and believe it is their right to behave so badly.
The message toward me is that they can do whatever they please to me, but when I call them on their behavior, I am the bad one acting out. Not them.
Lorianne,
We went through something similar with the younger son (my husband’s) for several years, but he finally realized he wasn’t getting anywhere with us with his games and anger. I didn’t even know these people when their divorce happened so I didn’t feel guilty about it. I only became more on my guard with this kid when I found out he was telling his mother that he was doing all of the housework and laundry, causing her to regard me with much disdain, and his sneaking out until late or all night and telling tall tales about why he was not at home in bed! His last whopper of a lie, stealing his Dad’s new motorcycle and totaling it resulted in his being sent to live with his mother (who had not had much to do with him prior to this). She saw our “situation” as not being good for him! What a crock! HE was the one who was doing all the damage and I was relieved when he left. He barely finished high school and gave his mother trouble so she finally believed he was lying about a lot of things. That was the positive outcome of all of it.
So, just hang in there and be happy your husband supports you and goes to bat for you. It will be painful for a few years, but these things have a way of dying down and becoming less of a problem as time goes on. People go away, some finally grow up, and no one even remembers why there was so much strife in the family. And, if there are still family members who like to hold on to anger, so what! They are probably toxic themselves.
I am a divorced mother of two sons that are grown now. My youngest was nine years old and my oldest was a teenager when I became a “single” mom. Life was extremely difficult without any input from their fathers and I could not afford to pay lawyer’s ridiculous fees to chase them down for child support. My only choice was to almost work myself to death but we made it, or so I thought. They both ended up with “new age” young women that think it’s “wimpy” for men to stay close to their mom’s after they marry, however, they stay very tightly bonded with their mom’s and family. Needless to say being a mom that seldom hears from my son because he’s just “sooooo busy”, and a grandmother that seldom sees her grand kids my Golden Years have not proven to be a very rewarding experience. In 2004 I had my home paid down to $70,000.00 when my youngest son started having surgeries and they needed financial help. My oldest son had two mild heart attacks and needed financial help also. Their fathers refused to help them and the only way I could help them was to refinance my home, twice, and when the real estate crash hit I lost my home to foreclosure because I got too ill to work any longer and cover my higher payments. I’m glad I lived to see what my son’s, and their mates, did with the money I had intended to leave for their inheritance. I found out quickly that what my father used to say all the time rings true, every time..”Easy money is never respected money.” Now I’m 66 years old, rent a Duplex, and I live on Social Security now so when I die all they will have to divide amongst them is my car and thrift store furniture instead of over $400,000.00. I’m just one of many parents that discover when we can’t keep helping them financially we have no other purpose. This is a national epidemic; and getting worse so I can only imagine what their lives will be like when their children grow up and marry…..
Lorianne,
I just wanted to add that after you get to be my age – 60’s, you realize that life is short and not worth worrying so much about others and their behavior. I want to enjoy what time I have left so I just remove myself from people who are downers and try to do my best to hang on to those who are positive. There are so many good family members out there, and friends who will be good for you, so don’t stress too much. It isn’t good for your physical or emotional health. I almost learned that the hard way. Not worth getting sick over it. Enjoy the world and see as much as you can even if you only go to the park or take a walk in the neighborhood to recharge yourself. Take walks with your hubby everyday, and love him with all of your heart!
I have always maintained that those that want to hurt others are hurting inside themselves!
The best revenge is to live a healthy, loving life and yes, love on my husband and support him!
Go on with living as life is so precious and there is so many great people such as friends and family members that are not caught up in supporting a very spoiled teen and her Mother. Those that do, have blinders on and are harming themselves and their kids when all the smoke clears. Too much damage has been done and I feel for my hubby when he sits across from his daughter and knows what she is capable of. I guess she is wanting to hurt him deeply also.
The Ex just will not let go. She ruled him when they were married and then she told everybody how and when he could fall in love and then tells everybody how things are run in her household and it should be the same in ours. The problem is, she has a few convinced that her way is the way. Give me a break!
OMG. This should be read by all who have toxic people in their life. I agree with Lorianne “The best revenge is to live a healthy, loving life..”
My family is FULL of toxic people. I love my grandmother, but I often wonder why those she raised (her children) are ALL toxic family members. They would rather insult than inspire, they are very judgmental and huge gossip mongers!IF you are doing well, they somehow have to turn that good into bad..its unbelievable! You should help raise each other, not pull each other down. My grandmother said I’d never be a doctor..that I should try something easier, most of my aunts/uncles were huge bad influences (abusers,alcoholics,etc.), my mother has always been a bully…enjoys being negative and saying negative things to me. LOVES to insult me. I often wonder if I was switched at birth. I purposely stay away from family. Its too taxing on my happiness and well-being.
I need help…I have ano ongoing saga with my husband’s ex-wife that has made it very clear that she divorced him, but not his family. She has undermined me silently through her daughter’s horrible actions toward me and whenever I have said Enough or the behavior is unacceptable, I am the trouble maker.
I have a brother-in-law that has lied to my in-laws about me regarding my husband’s daughter and now I am banned from their home.
It is a very dangerous, toxic, situation that I have never been exposed to before and I do fear for my reputation and frame of mind.
They go around and cause so much chaos and lie and then spread it to other family that will listen to them.
I have renounced them all and it is very hard on my husband’s parents because since I came into his life three years back, all hell has broken lose with the child and certain siblings. I believe the son-in-law is positioning himself to become the leader of the family and push my husband aside because I am in his life. He knows that he has lied and I have challenged him, but of course he denies it. This is a fellow who was brought up in a very abusive, alcoholic ridden family that married my husband’s sister and what a gold mine he landed in. Same goes for my husband’s ex. She also came from a very bad family upbringing.
What can I do short of leaving my marriage to protect my worth? This has gone on for three long years and no matter what my husband has said to them, they absolutely ignore him. We have no privacy, we have no respect shown toward us and I have absolutely had enough!
Lorianne, are your husband’s parents sticking by you in all this or are they believing the lies and nonsense?
I keep going back to what your teenage step daughter told you awhile back, that she will do whatever it takes to break you two up. My guess is that she hopes to get her parents back together, even though the chances of that happening are nil.
Is there anyone on your husband’s side of the family sticking by you, or does everyone in the family believe the lies going around? Even his parents?
I would gather info on the legalities involved with Slander and what is necessary to prove in court that you’re being slandered and the emotional toll it’s taken on you. I wish I knew so I could pass that along, but I know there are laws regarding the seriousness of slandering people and lawsuits have been won by people who have been slandered.
What do you mean by “we have no privacy”. I understand what you mean by no respect shown etc, but where is the “leak” in the family that is divulging private matters? The step daughter? Would your husband be willing to set a very strong limit on her not having access to your home, including during visitation periods? Wait, does she live with you and your husband? If so, I’d change that real quick. How about Boot Camp?! If not, would your husband be willing to have his visitations with her away from your home? What is your husband willing to do to preserve your marriage, privacy etc while also maintaining whatever level of closeness to his daughter he wishes? Don’t give up without a serious fight! This is exactly what his daughter is hoping for, and if you and your husband love each other and your husband wants to secure your marriage, what is he willing to do about it? What about teen residential treatment centers for unruly teens? There are tons of them all around the U.S.
Can you absolutely without question make an agreement with your husband that none of the toxic people in the family are allowed to step foot in your home, you and he won’t attend family functions where the toxic family members are included, and you won’t accept phone calls, emails or any other forms of contact by any of them? Is your husband willing to do whatever…..it takes…..to protect your privacy as a couple and your marriage, or is he buckling under the pressure? To protect and preserve your marriage, it sounds as though you both will have to cut them all off entirely and remove all forms of contact. Is your husband willing to do that?
What a tough situation! I hope it all works out for you. It is so difficult to deal with family members who are toxic. I don’t know how that would play out in my marriage if I thought my husband would choose his sons over me every time there is a problem. In a way, he does from time to time, and it is not good for us. Children come and go, but we hope to stay with our mates for a lifetime. How we handle it says a lot about our relationships. You have my prayers that the choices you will both have to make will result in the best for both of you.
Lin, I sure wish I had been able to talk you you when my ex and his girl friend were slandering me to friends, acquaintances, and my kids. There were people who talked about me then and some who are still not friendly since rumors were spread about my being a bad person/parent. I also lost a job offer because his girl friend became friendly with the human resources person in the company where I was offered the job, and must have told her some very bad things about me because the job offer was recinded. I had an excellent rapport with the HR person so I was puzzled when I called her and got a very icy response to my inquiry about the job and was told that there was no job offer anymore. Later, I happened to be driving past the building where I would have worked, and saw my ex’s girl friend sitting at the desk that was supposed to be mine. What a shock that was! They also turned me in to probation by writing some things (I saw the report) that were supposed to result in my losing my kids. You see, my ex wanted me to disappear and leave everything to him and his girl friend. The probation officer saw nothing that even hinted that my kids were unhappy or neglected so he more or less threw away the report. Unfortunately, my girls have told me lately that they were so confused at the time that they almost hated me. They say that they were told so many bad things about me that they didn’t know who to believe. That is something I hope none of you have to go through. It was so bad that one day I thought about going away to end the hurt. I felt so alone. Later, I had friends and some people I didn’t know very well come to me and tell me they were praying for me because they knew what I was going through. They had gone through some tough times and knew I needed a support system. I was so blessed to have had those people with me. They were my angels during such a sad time in my life. There are always times in our lives when we need help and that’s where we can all provide that support and love for each other.
Betty, toxic people will stop at nothing to get what they want and it doesn’t matter who they hurt in the process. They just don’t care. They are selfish to the core of their being and will trample on anyone who gets in their way. Many times through horrific gossip that affects so many areas in life. I’ve heard some people say that toxic people don’t have a conscience at all but I think that’s going a bit too far. People that don’t have a conscience are psychopaths and there’s a difference between the two.
Lin, Thanks.
I guess I just didn’t want to think these two were as selfish and stupid as they were (and still are).
I just wish they had not hurt my kids as much as they did. This woman did much to one of my daughters, especially, and even though she was caught by my ex and his parents while they were visiting, he still denies she did anything wrong. This is the daughter he spoiled and treated like she was more special than our other two kids. He tossed her out after he used her to “get the goods” on me while the probation report was being written. What a dad! My husband treats my kids better than their father does on any day! Thank God for that. There will be a pay day for him in the future!
Yes, my husband is sticking by me and US! He will talk to his sister and bro-in-law and lay things out on the table. If they give him the usual song and dance and tell him they stand by what they believe in, he will tell them that they have made their choice with the Ex and his child and that WE no longer will attend family functions and he will remove himself from them.
His other sister took me on for the first two years and then apologized to me and since then, she has been respectful of our union.
His parents are very supportive of me – Thank God! Also his aunts and uncles.
It is a situation where the EX wife divorced him, but has stated she did NOT divorce his family! I could accept the fact her continuing to interact with the family if she RESPECTED our household, but she does NOT and she has supported the child NOT respecting me.
Mom is in a relationship and we certainly do not interfere in their household!
The child’s boyfriend has been extremely rude to me also and when I called him on it at Xmas the other sister and hubby told me to quit being so melodramtic. I am expected to sit quietly with these people at a table and keep quiet and choke my food down no matter how they treat me. I do not choose to sit at a table where so many treat me like dirt. I also have a choice to surround myself with positive people.
We have not had privacy in our home when the child has been here as she conjures stories and spreads things to other family members. She no longer comes over as she has stated that she fears for her safety around me. Total BS! Whenever she has been cooperative with me, the following day, she has done the opposite and there have been no witnesses to observe her backhanded behavior.
Yes, I have told my husband that if this does not stop with his siblings, Ex and kid, I will go to court on slander regarding my character.
It has taken a toll on my emotions and I have chosen to remove myself from the toxic people that are involved in supporting the lies of the kid and her Mother.
I am divorced and I do not have interactions with his family members out of respect for his privacy and vise-versa.
I look at this and observe adults behaving worse than very spoiled children. Yes, the kid would benefit from Boot Camp, but her Mother would never allow it as she is a very wonderful, lovely young woman in her eyes. Her Mother is teaching this kid to run amock and what is going to happen to her when she leaves home and goes out into the world!
I truly believe through everybody’s heartaches with family dynamics, the best retreat is to be good to each other and oneself and live by example. If others do not want to be a part of the positive, you must let them go! We all have choices. At times they seem very difficult, but being content and positive really is the best revenge!