Would you know if you were in a toxic relationship? Are you dealing with toxic family members or people in your life who manage to drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled, ridiculed or confused? Are you dealing with conflicts and problems because of a toxic parent, sibling, co-worker, spouse, friend, toxic in-laws
Most of us could write a laundry list of names of people who make us feel miserable whenever we’re around them, spewing their noxious negative attitudes, behaviors and gossip like nauseating toxic waste. Have you ever wondered what makes toxic people tick, or why some family members have the tendency and inane ability to be two-faced in their relationships with others in the family?
Who Are Toxic People?
Toxic people are extremely negative, miserable, whiny, jealous, inconsiderate, financially irresponsible and entitled, manipulative, narcissistic, selfish, disrespectful, gossip mongers, mentally and emotionally abusive bullies who have no boundaries. Everyone and anyone is fair game for toxic people, with toxic relationships creating undo stress and anxiety for everyone involved. If you are dealing with these problems and conflicts in your life, know that you are not alone.
According to mental health specialists and psychologists, toxic people are “highly insecure people who only feel better about themselves if they make others feel worse, and they make up about ten percent of the population. A toxic person, including family members and in-laws, cause over 50% of all communication and relationship stress in others, health problems such as headaches, stomach pain and digestive problems, due to negative baggage brought on from low-esteem”.
Understanding how low self-confidence and low self-esteem causes some people to grow up to become toxic adults may help you feel better about yourself. However, having some understanding, compassion and empathy for bad childhood experiences and memories that continue to fester and linger in their personalities does not change the fact that their toxic attitudes and behaviors will continue until you stop allowing them to hurt you and your life.
Toxic people are this way because they can and often do get away with it, and it works well for them. If it didn’t work, and work very well, they wouldn’t continue doing it.
Toxic People Will…if not dealt with:
- Rob us of our dignity.
- Destroy our self-confidence.
- Increase our stress levels.
- Cause health problems.
- Destroy our morale.
- Destroy family relationships.
- Foster negativity.
- Decrease productivity.
- Get you fired from your job.
- Drive you to bankruptcy.
How to Deal With Toxic People and Family Members:
Recognize that toxic people have issues within themselves, and their toxicity has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. In life, everyone has to take personal responsibility for their own choices, attitudes, actions and behaviors. Toxic people do not do this. You become their personal target. They habitually turn things around and manipulate you to the point where you feel bad, you feel guilty, you feel like you are at fault, therefore responsible for their problems.
You may even begin to feel like you’re “going crazy” or “losing your mind”, wondering if you have become the victim of a psychopath desperately trying to manipulate and control you. Once you recognize the toxic behaviors that are engulfing your life and health, it allows you to take your power back.
Keep emotionally toxic people from ruining your health and happiness by setting limits and personal boundaries, assertively speaking up for yourself, and standing your ground. Don’t make someone else’s problems your own, but physically and mentally distance yourself from the negative and toxic people in your life, which may or may not include cutting the person out of your life entirely.
Knowing what it means to “let go” of negative people, along with their personal demons and issues, allows you the strength and determination needed to live your life without the constant barrage of criticism that can easily erode your own self-esteem, health and well-being.
Dealing with family members and in-laws can be especially difficult and stressful. If there are family members or in-laws that treat you like their personal doormat, criticizing and ridiculing you for everything and anything, you may have to consider putting a strict limit on how often you associate with them, if at all.
Holidays and special occasions can quickly become a dread, where just the thought of being around toxic relatives or friends causes your blood pressure to rise to unhealthy levels. You have the right to decide who to associate with and who not to associate with, who is or isn’t invited or welcome to step foot into your home, including toxic family members.
Toxic people
Surround yourself with positive influences, people who genuinely care about you and are supportive of you. These loved ones are a great defense and support group against the negativity of all kinds of toxic relationships or toxic family members, allowing you to choose for yourself to no longer be a victim of their malicious and abusive behaviors.
See: People Pleasers and Doormats as well as Abused Men: Battered and Emotionally Abused Male Victims of Domestic Violence for more.
Are you dealing with problems and conflicts of being in a toxic relationship? Do you struggle with how to respond and react to ridicule and criticism from toxic family members? Share your personal story or even ask a question by leaving a comment below.
Related Posts:
A Sense of Entitlement
12 Rules for Raising Delinquent Children
Building Self-Confidence in Children with Self-Esteem Activities
The Sociopath Next Door – The Ruthless vs. Us
Characteristics of a Psychopath
Relationship Deal Breakers: Non-Negotiable Boundaries
Understanding Assertiveness: Getting the Respect You Deserve
What It Means to “Let Go”
How to Get Along With the In-Laws
How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law
Wow. This is really good stuff. I’m going to have to print it out and let my wife read it – she and I both are dealing with a couple of toxic people in our lives. So true about every one of those characteristics, and how well they can manipulate you into feeling like scum, all the while making themselves appear to be flawless.
Very interesting post! While it is fairly easy to just write off toxic people in your environment, it is a heck of a lot more complicated when it is a family member. I actually put an end to a 15 year relationship because of a toxic mother-in-law. She may not have been the only cause but she sure was a decisive factor. Thanks for thoughful post.
Hi Tom, I’m glad you found this article to be helpful in dealing with toxic people; everyone has a toxic person they have to deal with in some way, so hopefully this provides some information that can help.
I’ve been dealing with my toxic sister my whole life, but I never looked at it this way before, I always thought it was something to do with me. that there was something wrong with me that I couldnt see. I was raised by my grandparents, but I’ve always had my biological mom and siblings in my life, scince we were little my younger sister loves to make my life misrable, she’s always pushing in my face how much better her life is then mine, how mom kept her and not me, and how she gets everything she wants with a flip of her hair. 2 years ago I met my biological dad and my other 3 sisters that I didnt know exsisted and ever scince, the “relationship” I’ve had with my sister on my moms side has gone down hill even more, now she wont even talk to me, and looks at me as if I’m the biggest POS in the world. I’m so tired of feeling like this, I’ve lived my whole life trying to get some kind of approval from her.
I can see now that I need to push her out of my life, although we do live in diffrent states I think this is going to be a hard step for me, mostly because I’m still trying to have some sort of relationship with my biological mom and my sister lives with her and comes to visit with her once a year, but this year I really dont want my sister to come, I decided this a few months ago, but I know she will, my mom always brings her and my little brother with her every time she visits. do you have any suggestions of how I should go about getting away from my sister without hurting the relationship I’m trying to have with my mom? I feel like if I try to push my sister away my mom will take her side and I’ll end up without both of them, I’ve tried talking to my sister and working things out but I’ve been waiting 2 months for a reply from her and still nothing. I just dont know how I should deal with this any more. can you please help?
Hi Krystal,
Your sister has you jumping through hoops. She has you believing that you are the problem in the relationship, even though she’s done everything she possibly can to bring you down. The mental games she’s been playing on you throughout your life is a lot more than simple “sibling rivalry”.
You have done all you can to try and bring some resolution to the relationship with her but she hasn’t bothered to reply for two months. That should tell you not to bother anymore and to just “let go” of her.
You have to be the one to assertively stand up for yourself, your mental and emotional wellbeing, by explaining to your mother that you love the time you spend with your mom and brother and look forward to each of those visits. But, sister is not welcome anymore and may not come for the visits anymore. Sister is not welcome in your home.
Tell your mom that you are not asking her or wanting her to take sides in the problems between you and your sister, but that your relationship with your mom and brother must be kept separate and private from your sister. Even if your mom asks for specific situations, do not spend time discussing the problems with your mom because she will inevitably attempt to jump through hoops to persuade you the other way. She’s a mom.
If she asks, explain to her that you won’t burden her with all the details and that the problems are between you and your sister and want to leave it there. Don’t give in if she persists to get information. It will go nowhere fast. Simply explain to your mom that you need her to respect your wishes in regards to your sister being brought along for visits. Ask her specifically at some point in the conversation IF she will abide by your wishes and not bring your sister when she and your brother come for visits.
If you feel or are given reason to believe that your mom will STILL bring your sister for visits (even on the sly), then consider making adjustments on how the visits take place and where. You go there instead of them coming to you. You stay somewhere other than at their house (even a hotel is better than chaos) and make specific arrangements for where, when, how etc you’ll meet to spend time together. Always have your own transportation. Always. If your wishes are not respected, you have the ability to walk out and drive away in your own rental car if necessary.
Work on your assertiveness – don’t be anyone’s Doormat, whether it’s your sister or perhaps your mom wanting “the perfect family” etc. Be ready, willing and able to leave situations that go against what you need for good health and happiness. Even if others don’t agree, approve or show respect for your wishes and needs.
Thank you so much Lin. I am taking every word to heart and will have that conversation with my mom, I am at my witts end with my sister, I just hope she will listen and respect my decisions. again thanks so much, its greatly appreciated!
I just experienced an exhaustive visit from my siser. For the second year in a row, she has moved into my cottage and has made it her own. She proceded to invite all her friends over to drink and socialize. She made it apparent that she was not interested in talking with me by constantly texting and leaving the room to talk on her phone. When she learned that we may be up for the evening, she kept asking how long we would be staying, and was overheard telling a friend on the phone that “they were still here”.Again, the brand new cottage was left in a terrible state, including garbage, empty liquor bottles, dirty towels strewn over the bannisters. In addition, she refused to visit my parents who are heartbroken at being treated so poorly. Unfortunately, she is not a teenager, she’s forty years old. I am tired and sad.
Cathy,
It sounds to me as though your sister uses your cottage to crash and throw parties, trash your place in the process, and then walk away as if nothing is wrong. It is quite obvious to me that your sister has zero respect for you, your home or your belongings. She’s using you Cathy. Question is…, how long are you going to allow it? At what point do you say Enough? Enough of being trampled on and walked over, with no consideration or regard for your feelings? What right does she have to get away with doing these things to you and your home without repercussions, not just once, but twice? She knows better, but she doesn’t care. She doesn’t care how you feel or how your parents feel. The only thing that matters to her is how she feels – what she wants and when she wants it. When is Enough enough?
Thank you Krystal for your story. I have 3 toxic sisters who are jealous of everything I have accomplished. No matter how much I have tried to help them they still hate to see me happy. They were the first ones to offer me drugs when we were younger, unfortunately, I accepted it because of wanted to be apart of them. They talked about me worse than anyone else for being on drugs. Fortunately, I have overcome my addiction with people who care about me. They even called me one day and told me that they were glad that I had heart failure and a stroke but God has brought me through again and I am well. I decided to distance myself from them. Sometimes I still feel a little bit down because things are this way but not as bad as when I was around them all the time. I do not share with them that my doctor says I am well enough to go back to work and what my plans are anymore. I realize I should have did this a long time ago. The fact that I am doing it is what is important. Thank you for letting me share and I wish the best to everyone else going through this. I love myself again.
Krystal, You have to let go. I’ve been in counseling for years and she says I don’t need counseling. We grew up alone. My dad left my mom and at 9 she raised me I was 6. My mother had no choice she had no family, no friends, no education and no driver license. She worked 4 jobs and there was no daycare in those days. My sister resented raising me and giving up her childhood. She throws it in my face every chance. I stood up to her eventually and only visited 1-2x a year for about 1-2 hours max. Now that I’m divorcing my alcoholic husband, she has taken his side and said she’s through with me. It hurts because I don’t have any siblings but her but she did me a favor. I should have realized that I was an only child years ago. I feel bad for my mother. My sister calls her every week (for 2 months now) to persuade her to not help me at all so I will have to go back to my husband. Let your sister go. You luckily have more siblings and true friends that really care about you and will treat you better. My mom feels stuck in the middle but she is starting to see how my sister is and she has separate relationships with us. I just don’t talk about my sister other than how is she and her family? It’s not easy but I am much happier with these toxic people (sister and almost ex hubby) out of my life. Good Luck!
Krystal, your sister has a lot of growing up to do. If you have tried to reach out to her to discuss your feelings and she wants nothing to do with it, I hate to say it, but perhaps you need to communicate with her no longer. As far as your mom, she should respect your wishes and realize that you want to spend time with her alone to reconnect. I’m sorry you are going through this. You cannot change them. Given the opportunity, just let them know how you really feel calmly, respectfully and honestly. If they don’t want to listen, then there is nothing else you can do. Good luck.
U.L., mother-in-law problems are so common, and it’s unfortunate that these relationships become toxic and marriages are affected and ended. Sometimes people just have to do what they have to do, including ending relationships as you mentioned.
I’m really getting depressed because of the situation I’m in. There seems to be more than our 10% share of toxic people in this state. I’m familiar with toxic people and grew up with an unconscious understanding of the need for boundaries. Fast forward to a guy I met through a now former friend. I knew his family and the red flag went up but I really liked him and we ended up dating.
This post hits the nail on the head.
I know . . . I’ve lived it and recently distanced myself from a family member because I decided that I could no longer tolerate the toxicity.
Actually, her husband is even more toxic than her but she allows him to put her down in front of me, walk all over her, use her, and generally be a big old’ obnoxious blowhard while she sits there and does nothing for herself or those around her.
Years and years of being manipulated and told half-truths finally took a toll on me. I got tired of hanging up the phone and feeling bad about myself and my family every time I spoke to her because, of course, everything she does is right and her children are perfect while neither my children nor I can do anything right.
Most importantly, I got tired of being sent a very clear message by her: Her friends are more important to her than her family.
So . . . sadly, I had to remove myself from the situation for the sake of my own physical and mental health. Ironically, everyone in town talks to me about how lovely, gracious, generous, etc. she is and what a wonderful hostess. That’s because they don’t see the real person — the true self she shows only to her family. For instance, she installed a pool at her house a few years ago. All of her friends have been over for pool parties, and her kids have had their friends over numerous times. We’ve never been invited and her kids have never invited my kids to swim. When I told someone that recently, she just stared at me. I truly don’t think that she believed me.
As you said, toxic people get away with their behavior because they fool a lot of people.
Not me. Not any more.
Great article!
Agree with comment above. I am taking your advice with my 2 sisters both toxic and 10 years older than me. My father passed away yesterday and both decided the arrangements without me. No service will be held. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back and will no longer speak to either one of them forever. I have taken physical, verbal, mental abuse all my life and I don’t need their validation on me any more. They are both deceptive and charming with others but the minute the doors are closed are abusive to me to no end. Now I am choosing to close the door to our relationship.
Zoey,
I’m sooo sorry about losing your father yesterday. To have to deal with the loss of a parent is heartbreaking to say the least, but to not even be included in what arrangements or service of some kind would be held must be really tough to handle.
Sometimes it’s necessary for our health and wellbeing to drop relationships completely, and from what you said you’ve been through with your sisters, it sounds as though disengaging from them (for however long you feel is needed) will help you in many ways. We’re all sending you hugs as you grieve and remember your dad during this tough time. Hang in there!
Zoey, I think you are doing the right thing. My father also passed away two 1/2 mos. ago. No one was interested about what I thought. I got rid of that bunch(5)when they were trying to tell me how to spend my inheritence my dad left me. They told me that I was a horrible mother and my children will hate me if I did not use some of the money on them that my dad left me. I do, but its none of their business how. I don’t tell them anything now. They have really never been interested in finding out who I really am. They all hang together as thick as thieves as to what their next move will be to hurt me or controll me and how I raise my children. My father would get upset when we would argue and then my sister would tell him how hateful and mean I am. Dad would get so upset. So when he passed away, those 6 are now 5 as I truly want no part of them. I tried forever to follow the rule: “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” but it really doesn’t work with some people. My 3 brothers and 2 sisters are so messed up. I try to pray for them, which is very difficult so I put it in God’s hands. Thanks for sharing with me Zoey. It makes me realize I am not alone in this matter of toxic families.
Jackie
I can’t tell you how happy I am to read all of these comments!!! JHS, I can relate to you in everything you said. My sister has manipulated and twisted everything she comes in to contact with…..and I am one of the people she has chosen to do this with. From the outside, she looks like an angel and everyone who knows her on an acquaintance basis LOVES her. She has over 1000 friends on facebook constantly backing her up for all of her countless stories where she is the victim in each one. She has complete control over my Mother, whom lives with her. My Mother is so brainwashed by her, she holds her at celebrity status and believes she can do NO wrong. My Mother takes care of her 4 kids every day, all of the dogs, cats, horses…..and thinks that I have a lot of nerve to voice how I feel WHEN I do! I have stayed quiet for years after countless arguments with my Mother about my sister in the past, just to keep the peace (my mother would confront me and yell at me to get along with my wonderful sister). They moved away for about 6 years and then, they just moved to the city I live in, to be CLOSER!!! My Mother will not visit without bringing my sister and 4 kids (my mother watches them the entire time they visit while my sister “talks” to me….usually rubbing a job or money in my face). After many requests to give my family space (I have 4 kids and am happily married), they once again did not respect my wishes and came over…..I was done. I called and said DO NOT come back unless you ask me (they had made all my plans for me that day, I forgot to mention). My Mother and sister BLEW UP!!! They blamed me for everything and just didn’t understand how I could be so horrible. My sister yelled and cussed at my for a bit while I tried to stay calm (which was very hard!) They called at least one of my other sisters and got her involved and I now believe she is no longer speaking to me (she moved away at 18 to get away from the family). All in all, I feel relieved and empowered to have spoken up. I feel like I have had no control over my life for so long, that it feels good to make my own decisions. I keep rewinding what they said in my head and questioning myself….my husband really tries to assure me what I did was best for our family ( he heard the whole thing). So, thank you to all of you for making me feel sane and knowing that there are many others out there dealing with this. I know a lot of you have it a lot worse! Take care everyone!
JHS, wow! A lot of people, especially family members, have a real hard time wrapping their mind around the idea that it’s sometimes necessary to completely detach from the toxic people in their lives.
As unfortunate as it is that families deal with these kinds of problems with other family members, when there should be love and respect shown amongst everyone in the family, the toxic people cannot be allowed to damage or destroy our own self esteem and good health, and everyone must accept their own right to choose whether to associate with them or not.
Having children around toxic people on a regular basis can easily destroy all the good parenting done, and sometimes kids will pick up toxic behaviors from those around them, and then even more problems arise for parents to have to deal with.
I absolutely agree with you 100%. I’m in the same predicament. I grew up in a very dysfunctional, meaning, many sociopaths who very toxic. No one in my family was educated enough to decipher the sociopaths behavior and overlooked it. They would always say… no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. It was devastating. As you mentioned, being around sociopaths or toxic family members can destroy someone emotionally… Generally speaking, if you have kids, they should not have witness that type of behavior because it can impact them. To make a long story short, I have cut off connections with most of my family members, because they are either sociopaths or destructive. There’s only a few members of my family whom I talk to on the phone, and they live in another state. I must say that I feel much better cutting ties with them for the sake of my own kids. I did not want them to interfere in children upbringing. Besides, what do they have to offer: nothing but belittlement and destruction. I know it’s hard for most people to agree with me on this, but, apparently, they have not experienced a childhood similar to ours; or they have been brainwashed by so many people telling them to stick with their family no matter what. I have no regrets and will stick to it. My heart goes out to others who are facing a similar crisis in their “so called” loving families. What people fail to realize is this…just because someone is your mother or father that does not mean that they love you or care about you. I believe animals sometimes care more for their young than humans do for their children.
I wish I had read this article years ago. My future in laws fit this description to the T. My fiance and I were just dealing with the fact that maybe we need to avoid them completely. We thought it was harsh but now we realize we need to do this to save our relationship and our happiness. As I kept reading on I was like oh my yes, that’s it, they are that way. It’s refreshing to know it’s them and NOT ME. I knew it all along but it’s nice to have some guided advice.
Hi Michelle, toxic people really take a toll on relationships and marriages. It’s good that you and your fiance’ have already talked about these problems and are prepared to take active steps to disengage from such people.
It is not harsh to avoid toxic family who cause stress, anxiety and numerous problems for others in the family. It just might ensure your marriage lasts a long time by doing so. Good luck!
It’s really difficult to draw the line and put toxic people, especially if they are close family or friends, out of lives. A lot of people consider it loyalty, but at the same time, it seems like continuing to take their toxicity without any punishment (in the form of isolating them) almost encourages the behavior to go on and on. Maybe if enough people stood up to them and said “I can’t take your behavior anymore,” they would find motivation to change.
Hi Kristi, dealing with toxic family members is especially difficult but some people simply have no other choice but to completely avoid them altogether.
Some have even decided to move away from family, some even hundreds of miles away, just to be able to get rid of the toxicity they are experiencing that is driving them nuts.
I was recently asked if toxic people know they are toxic? I replied by email telling them that people that are this way simply don’t care to know if they are or not. They just want what they want, and they don’t care who gets hurt in the process, nor do they take into consideration how it affects marriages and relationships. Simply put, they are too selfish minded to care.
We have an award winning toxic “be-otch” in our family. For years she soured parties and dominated games and caused unecessary argumentsand hurt feelings. It caused our family to slowly all avoid any get togethers at all. Then I got mad! I thought I was “keeping the peace” by allowing her behavior to go unchalleged but we were all getting walked all over. So my neice and I had a pow-wow & decided we would have our family gatherings and simply point out any stupid manipulating she tried and stop it “dead in it’s tracks. Of course this caused some tense situations a few times but the toxic person has become quieter and often doesn’t attend our gatherings. It’s been wonderful! Some times you just gotta stop them from the game they like to play.
I have recently been in a similar situation with a highly toxic sister in law. She has caused endless family drama by manipulating situations and turning herself into the victim. I have had her in chunks, and decided to take on the task of stopping her in her tracks. She has been ALLOWED to behave badly for so long, she believes that it is the norm,. Sadly it looks like my relationship with my brother will never be the same, as he believes that through my actions of trying to piont out the where all the trouble starts, I am victimizing her.I choose peace in life not screaming, shouting,and agression on an unparralleled level. She has turned my brothers life into The Jerry Springer show and I refuse to be part of it any longer.
wow. thank you. i am dealing with the toxicity of jealous family members and i am happy to know i am not alone. they play “victim” to generate sympathy from others and it doesn’t matter whose expense it is at. as a mother of two young children now, i realize i must figure out how to deal with this effectively. it is very hard to ignore their antics, but i realize more and more that if i let their mean comments and bad attitudes affect me, they beat me. in order for me to succeed, i must learn to dismiss their behaviors for the meaningless nonsense it really is.
thank you for this article and allowing me to vent.
Candeelady, it’s great that you found a solution to the problem your family was experiencing and that it’s been much more peaceful for family gatherings since speaking up. Good for you!
Donna, I’m glad this article helped you. Having young children seeing and hearing this sort of nonsense from family members can actually teach kids to become toxic themselves as they grow up, especially when they find the antics of others actually working to their own selfish advantage.
Such a help!!! I was starting to think I was the crazy one. Thank you, Thank you!!
I’m in a tricky situation…I’m slowing coming around to the conclusion that my wife,whom I love, has many of the traits of a toxic person. I try very hard to make her happy and do what she wants, and it’s never enough. I am routinely put down and devalued, and I have a tough time thinking of the last time she said something nice to me. I’m very far from perfect, but damn, I try hard. She refuses marriage counseling–I’ve begged, but she says she doesn’t want to have someone tell her she’s wrong. She’s talked abourt leaving, and I don’t want my marriage to end, but it would be something of a relief. I don’t want a divorce, mainly b/c we have 4 kids, and I hate what that would do to them (fortunately she saves most of the toxicity for me and spares them). And sometimes, for no good reason I can tell, she stops and things are good for a few days–and then they’re very good. But it never lasts. I’m frustrated and don’t know what to do. I’m telling myself that it’s not me–I can’t be THAT bad.
But the positive self-talk seems like it can only help so much…
Hi Matthew, you sound like my brother. He has an award winning toxic wife, who orders him around, talks to him as if he is dirt, has no respect for him and has turned his life into The Jerry Springer show. She is constantly involved in an altercation with either a family member or a colleage. It is so bad that her daughter in law, who is carrying their first grandchild, has made it very clear that she may only see the baby under strict supervision, as she does not know how to behave.The problem is, that my brother has allowed her bad behaviour for so long, in order to keep the peace, that I fear it is too late. She is 54 and the chances of her changing her behaviour is very slim. If you stay in your relationship, you will end up having wasted your life, feeding your toxic wifes bad habits.
Hi Matthew, definitely a tough situation for anyone to endure. From what you’ve said, it sure seems as though your wife is the one “calling all the shots” so to speak, AND is being mentally and emotionally abusive towards you, her own husband.
Children learn what they live, and whether or not she inflicts her toxicity directly at the kids, you can bet they know about and feel what has been going on in their home within the deepest parts of their souls.
Divorce is sometimes the only solution to save yourself and your sanity. And your children’s mental and emotional health; and don’t forget the well known fact that children who are raised in abusive homes have a very high chance of becoming abusive partners themselves as adults.
I can’t tell you what to do in your situation Matt. It’s your choice to decide what to do. Just keep in mind that either choice has its own consequences for the kids especially. Which would be better and which would be worse?
I believe this is one of the most difficult situations to cope. It is not so simple as to simply say you will not allow this toxicity in your life because it is not ONLY your life you are dealing with. You are also dealing with the lives of your children. You cannot control the toxicity of your spouse or ex-spouse on your children. You can move away, taking your children with you, but they want and need both parents in their lives. If your spouse simply will not, for the sake of your children, discontinue using your children for their own personal desire to make your life miserable you are confronted daily with the saddness, hurt and confusion you see in thier eyes, behavior and attitude. As the saying goes, children idolize the absent parent and a self-absorbed, narcissicistic parent will use this to his/her advantage – never once caring or considering how this effects the kids. This type of person sees one thing and one thing only – him or herself. I was married for 12 years, had 4 sons (one prior to the marriage who he adopted after we married). I went to counseling for years, tried to get him involved over and over again (the spouse). He did go a couple of times but as soon as he was confronted with his behavior that was the end of that. One counselor told me that in his 20 years as a professional he had NEVER dealt with anyone so unreachable or determined to destroy another if he couldn’t have things his way. Well, I divorced him and eventually moved 3000 miles away – thinking distance would make things much easier for our children and myself too. It did in so many ways. I went on with my life, went back to school attaining both my bachelors and masters degrees while raising our sons, with no help from him whatsoever. Over the years he did have visitation and he did everything to undermine my efforts with our children every chance he got, even calling our sons at school and telling them to tell counselors there that they were being abused by me – the list goes on and on. One of our sons started having nightmares, waking up crying in the middle of the night with dreams that his dad had kidnapped him and wouldn’t allow him to see or talk to me. Well, yes, I set up counseling sessions immediately for him and he learned how to simply tell his dad that he wasn’t going to talk to him if he continued. He was only 9 years old! As our sons grew older (all adults now and the two oldest have passed away) there still was no end to their dad’s continued efforts to try to turn them against me at whatever expense. We went through some very tough times. Today, I have been divorced from him for 24 years. We lost our first son (between the two of us) 4 years ago in a car wreck. My ex is 73 years old – I am 56. At the time of our son’s funeral he used every oportunity to try to make me out as the most evil person on earth – telling others if it was up to me I would have had him creamated and on a shelf in my home – oh the list never stops. There was no truth in his statements at all. Mind you, he has been remarried for 13 years but even that has not slowed his campaigne to somehow try to destroy me in our children’s eyes and his wife has joined in his efforts. The courts gave him visitation but they were very reserved in the amount of visitation he would have and I did hold to that decision for the most part. There were times I allowed him more time as the boys wanted to spend time with their dad but I soon learned I could not allow this either as there was no end to the emotional abuse he put them through with lies about me as their mother. I even had to take our youngest son in for counseling after a summer visit as he came home so distraught. I told our son this was for him and nothing had to be shared with me regarding the time spent with the counselor unless he wanted me to know. I knew he felt tugged and pulled between us and didn’t know how to stop it. When one parent chooses to use the children to hurt the other you can take all the seemingly right steps to try to help your children get through unscarred but you cannot control what the other parent will do and thus you cannot protect your children from the effects this has on their lives totally. I didn’t talk badly about thier dad to them – worked very hard at not doing so for more than anything, I did not want them to feel tugged and pulled. I wanted them to have happy and healthy lives. What I told them was that people love in different ways – that their dad and I both loved them very much and sometimes people say or do things hurtful to others because they don’t know any other way. When they were adults we spoke much more directly as they saw the truth much more clearly on thier own. So it is not so simple as to just block toxic people out of your life when children are involved. I truly enjoy this site – today is the first day I have seen it.
I wish I would have read this article earlier. My father recently passed away and my aunt and cousin are expecting me to respect and welcome his abusive girlfriend. He was with her for fifteen years and in those fifteen years, she was so cruel to me. They don’t respect the fact that I want to distance myself from her. They think I’m just being mean and won’t believe me when I try to explain why I want nothing to do with this toxic woman. I’m thinking of cutting off not only this woman, but my aunt and cousin as well. Having toxic people in your life isn’t good for you, mentally and physically.
Megan, I’m very sorry for your loss. Losing your dad and having to deal with toxic people in your life all at the same time has got to be very difficult.
Life is too short to waste time with people who are abusive in one form or another. You have every right to distance yourself from those you have found to be hurtful and abusive towards you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Do whatever you feel you must do to not be bullied by people, and the fact that the girlfriend was with your father for 15 years has nothing to do with what your personal experience has been with her. Respect your own boundaries and don’t allow anyone to pressure you into doing anything with this woman that you don’t feel comfortable about. Hugs Megan!
Toxic people, well I must say I stumbled on it by sheer chance. It reminded me of my boss, He was the worst ever human being to deal with. He would try to bring down at each single moment he got. I think people who are toxic really have or suffered a mishap in one area of their lives. People who do that again are victims of their own circumstances and being a toxin to other people is their way of ‘release’. But I am glad coz’ I am human enough to stand on my two feet and ‘detox’ all the toxins in my ‘system’ for me to function effectively. So my advise is for us all to detoxify all the toxics and start anew. But don’t hate while you at it because you will turn toxic yourself.
Toxic people are everywhere, and we encounter them in every area of our lives, including our jobs, relatives and neighbors.
It really is all about using our own backbone and standing up to the toxic people or toxic family members that are driving us nuts. Life is simply too short to stand around being bullied by people, even if they are family members and extended relatives.
I finally stood up to a toxic family member who is manipulative and tries to invalidate other people’s feelings.
She was yelling at me about something that had happened between me and another person, and I couldn’t get a word in edge wise I finally just told her to lower her voice and she hung up on me. , The relationship has changed and commnication has decreased which is probably a good thing. I will be cordial and polite, but that’s about all. I am tired of the manipulation and constantly being “thrown under the bus.”
I know that I will have to deal with her at family functions by being polite, but how do I get out of famly camping trips which my husband looks forward to? I don’t want to spend 4 days with this person.
T, this sort of thing happens all the time with toxic people making life difficult for everyone around them, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it.
Is this camping trip just between you, your husband/children and the toxic person/spouse? Is it limited to a very small group, perhaps only the four of you, or are there other family members involved which make the trip a large event?
How does your husband feel and react to the problems associated with the toxic person? Does your husband know and understand how stressful it is to be around this obnoxious person? Would he be willing to consider camping trips without this person being invited along?
Can you invite other couples, other family members, close friends to make up a group that will ensure everyone (especially you) can and will enjoy going camping rather than dread it? Have you discussed with your husband the possibility that you may decide not to go on the trip if this person is going too?
T, it really comes down to making a decision, personally and as a couple, what behavior you are willing to tolerate vs. what is completely unacceptable, to the point where you may have to decide for yourself and your own health and peace of mind that you choose to “have other plans” that weekend. Perhaps a girlfriends weekend trip in the opposite direction that “just happens” to fall on the same weekend as the camping trip.
Hi Lin,
Thanks for your reply.
This trip is for family and friends. My husband may go by himself for a couple of days which I am OK with. He really enjoys hanging out with his friends.
I normally do enjoy these trips but the last trip was very negative and not much fun. I think a lot of it is that I had not been assertive with this person until now, so her efforts of manipulation really bothered me.
I just don’t need the drama especially when I am stuck out there with her.
There is another friend who goes that is toxic as well. Between the two of them, I am miserable.
Tonight I had another incident where we happen to be together and she got upset with me because I was asked by another family member to give my opinion on how something was written. I gave a suggestion to make it flow better and she took it personally and walked away. I can’t win!!!
I just took the high road, and acted cordial and polite. Although she did not say goodbye to me and was obviously trying to avoid me, I took the lead and said my goodbyes to her.
I think I will have to continue to minimize my contact with her. This is a shame but I don’t want or need the added stress in my life.
She,of course, will tell everyone her side of everything and I just hope that my true friends and family members will take it with a grain of salt and stand by me.
Thanks again for your reply.
T
Hi T, being assertive (especially with toxic people) is an absolute must, and I’m glad you’re standing up to her. Don’t be surprised if she tries other tactics to get under your skin now that she knows you won’t just sit quiet and take her abuse. Isn’t it great to have a strong backbone?
Hopefully other family members realize how she is and won’t believe her lies and manipulations. They may see her for who she really is, but they may not have a specific word to attach to her like “toxic”. A lot of people have the tendency to just look at the symptoms of lying, manipulating, gossiping etc and not yet have a word for it in their minds. Toxic people do drive people nuts, and avoiding them as much as possible helps a lot to reduce if not eliminate the stress. Good luck T.
I am in the process of disengaging abruptly from all 3 of my siblings. I have tried to do this in the past and each time of ‘peace’ (about 3 or 4 months), my physical, emotional, and spiritual health improves dramatically. My father is very ill; decisions need to be made about the house, bringing all 4 of us into contact again over the past 2 weeks. Disaster. I am the ‘mess-up’, yet again and told them off (felt good!) so soundly, I felt nervous and depressed afterward. By supportive family and friends, I did not back down. Now, having reached one by phone (need info about our dad), she seems completely demolished. But, thank God, I finally don’t feel responsible for that. Years and years “they” said all kinds of negative things ‘in concern’ about me to anyone in the extended family. This started over 10 years ago when I started to believe I have been fearfully and wonderfully made and am loved JUST AS I AM by God. No longer their dumping ground, they are quite the unhappy lot. Seriously, I let them ‘have it’ last week, only. I know to be well, to walk forward into joy, I need to leave them all, even if they won’t or cannot acknowledge my ‘good-bye’. I will always feel for them, as they are who I grew up with. But I finally found myself after I stopped letting them define me!! (smile). If anyone is going through a ‘sweep’ of rejection, as I have….just know God loves you. And…you can walk away. If you feel desolate, seek counselling. You’ll love knowing you’re a worthwhile individual in your own right!!!
Eileen, I love reading stories of people who finally stand up to toxic people who are destroying relationships and families. It sounds like your backbone is working quite well and you’re not afraid to use it anymore. Good for you! The worst thing people can do when dealing with toxic family members or others they come in contact with is to continue to back down and internalize all the toxicity. Each and every time a person backs down and doesn’t stand up for themselves makes the toxic person feel better! They tear you to shreds with their attitudes and behaviors and viciousness, and they walk away feeling empowered, while the “victim” of the attack walks away feeling like shattered glass. Hello????? What is wrong with this picture? Stand up for yourselves like Eileen has, and show these toxic people you aren’t going to take their abuse anymore! Good job Eileen!
Thanks, Lin. Too many people ‘look the other way’ (myself included) and these folks usually do not WAKE UP on their own. I have one daughter that we’ve (hubby and I) WORKED ON since she was little, since she has had entitlement issues from the age of 3! She could not make and keep relationships throughout much of her life until about 2 years ago. (she is in her 20′s) We put her in intensive therapy (which she LOVED at first, since she craved attention) and kept ‘our’ spine. She is really a terrific woman these days, no longer someone I wish would move far away (she lives at home and attends college locally). She has been one of my staunchest allies, having grown up and watching the family dynamics. If caught early, by an alert parent, this type of behaviour/person can be grown ‘OUT OF IT’, imo. But not without alot of tenacity and steadfastness in not allowing the BS. I actually googled “leaving a toxic family” and found you! Thanks for this article and your ‘cheers’ to all.
Eileen, one of the things I often hear is “I don’t want to make waves” or, “turn the other cheek” and even “just be the better person and ignore it”. Oh please… That sounds like the talk of someone who has regularly and routinely been spineless, PASSIVE to an extreme, or someone with such low self esteem they start shaking internally just thinking about being assertive.
One of the biggest problems I’ve seen or have heard about through private emails from visitors such as yourself Eileen, is that husbands are standing by saying and doing nothing while his family degrades his own wife for one nit-picky thing after another, and then wonders why there are serious problems in the marriage and why the wife is seriously considering divorce.
I mean come on….who would want to stay in a marriage where the husband (or the wife) says or does nothing when their own family members are constantly and routinely attacking their chosen life partner? R.E.S.P.E.C.T or D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
Yeah, I hear that Lin. We (hubs and I) got into counselling 3 years into the marriage. Before then, he always took his family to task for the junk they flung regarding me, but I felt crappy that he wouldn’t break the relationships. I ended up giving an ultimatum. Ended up going by myself 2 or 3 times (counselling); that convinced him I was serious. We learned SOOO MUCH about neurotic and psychotic behaviors; the differences and the similarities. That (the counselling) was so significant in stopping the enabling in my spouse. It was a wonderful feeling to have a professional (and trust me, it was more than one) side with me!!! My husband snapped out of his ‘coma’. I know I would have had to have left him if he chose not to.
It’s amazing how many people we all come into contact with throughout our lives that are sociopaths/psychopaths and people don’t realize until much later just what type of person they are/were dealing with.
I linked over here from Cath’s blog. I had earlier made a statement that toxic family members are those who revel in your misery.
I tried to play peace-maker in my family with a toxic ex-sister for years. What did it cost me? My self-esteem, my confidence, and, ultimately, a viscious law suit after my father died – and she decided after 14 years of not speaking with him that SHE deserved his money.
In a way, that law suit (which she lost, with no chance of appeal) saved my life. Because we COULDN’T talk, as we were both represented by counsel, being sued by her was a blessing. I stopped cringing every time the phone rang. I no longer had to deal with her bullying abuse, and I finally broke away.
If only I had done it 30 years earlier…
Thanks,
Rita
Hi Rita, dealing with toxic people in our lives is incredibly difficult and stressful, but having a toxic family member causing problems really does destroy families. I’m thrilled your sister wasn’t able to win the lawsuit; sounds like your sister definitely fits the description of toxic people feeling “entitled” to whatever they can get, even if they don’t deserve anything at all. Good for you that you stood up and disengaged from the situation, and you’re the better for it as is your health physically, mentally and emotionally. Good job for standing strong and tough!
I really appreciate this article. Unfortunately, my mother is the toxic person in our family. I feel she has destroyed our family. She matches perfectly all of the characteristics of what defines a toxic person. I realize now after reading this article that I have to set some serious boundaries and not allow her to make my life miserable anymore. I love my mother and it saddens me to think that in order for me to live peacefully and happily, I have to limit my association or cut her loose. Things are out of control and yes, I do feel like I am going crazy and my finacial world is upside down. This article was indeed a blessing. For to long my mother has manipulated my sisters, brother and father and has run guilt trips and introduced rediculous dramas into all of our lives. She is not an evil person but a person who was not loved and valued the way little girls should feel. I really do pitty her but only she can heal herself “not I” so she can hopefully have the kind of life full of happiness, peace and stability. This article really addressed some deep feelings of guilt, sadness, and worry that I had weighing heavy in my head.
Thanks for tipping me off to this article. Blended families and toxic people do seem to go hand-in-hand don’t they?
I’ve just begun my efforts to create boundaries – it’s not going over so well with the toxic influences but it’s sure been peaceful around here
Gayla, I was happy to tip you off. When I saw your tweet on Twitter about your situation, I couldn’t help but pop on over and try to give you a boost. Hang in there!
I’ve been dealing with toxic relationships in my immediate family for as long as I can remember. From my mother to my sister, it’s been an extremely difficult thing to deal with. I’m over 40 now and each of them continues to do the same things they have done for years and years, only now, it’s more aggressive now that I am am adut. It’s hurtful and isolating, as if my being a member can somehow be undone. These behaviors have not destroyed the family as much as alienated me from it. What’s most difficult is changing this perception. But every word I say is dissected and scrutinized, so no matter what I do or what I say, no matter how much my heart wants to heal the rift created, somehow, I am still to blame for the lack of a solid foundation between my mother and me as well as my relationship with my sister.
So, I understand the concept of toxicity here far too well. I also understand that no matter how hard I try, it won’t be enough.
Anonymous, toxic people wreak havoc in everyone’s lives, whether it’s toxic family members or others we come in contact with on a daily basis. Being part of a toxic family is especially difficult, as it seems to be never-ending, with no hope in sight for a better relationship.
Putting distance between yourself and the toxic people in your life, including family members such as your mother and/or sister, really is the only way of dealing with these people.
Disengage, disassociate and detach, reminding yourself that you are not to blame for their toxicity and negative attitudes, but that you need to distance yourself in every way possible in order to protect and safeguard your own mental and emotional health.
Maybe, just maybe, some toxic people will get a clue that they have a serious problem of their own when everyone they know no longer accepts their phones, emails, letters, visits anymore. It’s all about them and has nothing to do with you. Hang in there!
Lin: I just had to check back in here . . . I tried to resurrect my relationship with my toxic family member. I sent her flowers on her birthday and arranged to have lunch with her. But it is readily apparent that we cannot have a relationship. Looking into her eyes was like looking into two glaciers — cold as ice or steel, and about as compassionate. Worse, she denied saying some of the things that she has said over the years to the point that she suggested I see a psychiatrist because I am obviously suffering hallucinations. That was it. I got up and left the restaurant with the knowledge that I will not be seeing her again. I simply can’t. I came home, told my husband what she said, and he just stared at me because he clearly remembers the comments &, most importantly, my reactions to them at the time. Ultimately, he announced that he feels sorry for her and is sad for me that it is impossible for me to have a relationship with her, but is relieved not to have to interact with her, either. I’m going to write more about all of this, but wanted to let you know that your article has been very helpful.
JHS, from what you describe about your family member, she definitely fits the description of a toxic person. Everything is your fault, huh? YOU need to see a psychiatrist, huh? Yeah, that’s typical of toxic people for sure.
I’m so proud of you that you had the courage to stand up and walk out of the restaurant. Some people would have just felt beaten down even more, gone home and felt even worse, and even start to second-guess themselves rather than realizing the true origin of the toxicity.
The absolute only way of dealing with toxic family members or any other toxic person in our lives is to disengage, disassociate and detach.
That’s what it takes, and you’re better off without this type person destroying your self confidence and mental/emotional health. I look forward to reading what you have to say about it.
I recently stumbled across the ‘toxic relationships’ definition and WOW was it unbelievable to hear what people had to say – - it matched quite a few people in my life. Unfortunately, my past has consisted of many ‘toxic people’; my parents, boyfriends and I included. As defined, I would have been ‘the drainer’. I had become so involved with so many people in my life that would belittle me, accuse me of cheating, not support me in my goals, etc., I lost all respect and self love and in turn would cling to people for answers and guidance (not my proudest moments) I felt completely crazy. After a lot of counseling, books and time to develop who I actually was, life got tremendously better. I now am dating a guy (John) who is caring, non judgmental, has a nice family and treats me with respect. I feel like I know who I am again and I cannot begin to explain how difficult it was to move on. I felt so incredibly stuck with where my life was. My only issue I have now is John’s two sibling’s are incredibly rude, uncaring, etc ‘toxic’ to him and his/their parents. I hate seeing how John and his parents allow these two to act. They never stick up for themselves and it gets exhausting hearing the drama between them. I have made a few statements about how they should stick up for themselves but respectfully I can only say so much. Any advice?
Hi Jenny,
It’s really a shame that things are going well for you and your boyfriend in your personal relationship, but you are dealing with rude and uncaring behaviors with his two brothers. Wouldn’t it be great if some families at least had NO toxic people in it whatsoever?
“The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior” is a quote I believe so strongly in.
I wish I had a crystal ball to look into the future and tell you whether things will improve with his brothers behaviors towards your boyfriend and his parents. The fact that it continues without any repercussions from the parents in particular tells me that there may be some difficulties with being assertive and having set boundaries on what behaviors are allowable and which are not.
You’re right in that there really isn’t a whole lot you can do about it. You can certainly respectfully discuss your feelings with your boyfriend, and you may want to suggest he read this article.
The real question I would recommend that you consider (especially if you have any hopes of marrying this man) is How much drama are you willing to put up with? “It gets exhausting hearing the drama between them”. Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life listening to what goes on amongst the family? What are your “relationship deal breakers”?
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
This weekend Jon and I went to his parent’s house to make Christmas cookies. Saturday John had his basketball tournament and when we arrived his siblings and their significant others were there. Jon’s sisters husband grabbed John and threatened to punch him, swore and made a big scene in the gym. It was very embracing and of course I was worried for John’s safety. This husband has three restraining orders on him already and always threatens to kill people, including John. I began wondering long term with John, what the consequences would be. This husband is crazy and if he feels fine threatening John what would keep him from threatening John’s kids (my kids)? This guy is someone I would have to deal with my entire life and life is complicated enough as it is. I don’t know what to do about it. I have dealt with scum enough in my life; I don’t want to deal with it any more. I love John, but at what point do you need to step back from the drama of the family to keep your sanity and know it is keeping you and your future family safe?
Jenny, that’s horrible! What are others in the family saying about this guy? What is everyone doing about him if anything? What is your boyfriend saying about the situation? What does John’s sister say and feel about her husband’s behavior and attitude?
If it were me personally, there is no way in heck that I’d continue in a relationship such as this one. Some people believe that loving someone is all that matters in a relationship and/or marriage, but I disagree.
The old saying that when you get married you marry the entire family and everything that goes with it is very true. The good, bad and especially the ugly.
I can’t tell you what to do, you have to decide for yourself if you are willing and interested in staying in a relationship where family violence, threats and abuse is common place. And the fact that no one seems to want to step up and deal with these type situations, preferring to stay quiet in order to “keep the peace”. What peace?! Sounds to me like it’s more a matter of insecurity, zero assertiveness whatsoever, and no willingness to put a great deal of distance between these toxic people and themselves.
Jenny, can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life in such a situation? You’re right to be concerned about the effect this would have on your children. Children live what they learn, and what they would learn being a part of this family is downright scary.
All in all, it’s up to you to decide when you have had enough and get away from all the nonstop drama to enjoy your life in peaceful, harmonious surroundings, with family that is loving and caring about everyone else. This one isn’t it.
Thank you so much for your insite Lin. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have someone else’s opinion on the matter.
Jenny, much luck to you in your decision. It’s a doozy for sure.
Merry Christmas!
For many years mother in laws have worn the label, “Mother In Law from Hell” but we never hear of “Daughter In Law’s from Hell”, and trust me, they’re out there. My son met my future daughter in law in 1995 and the married in 1997. From the second she met me she looked at me like I was vermin and this has never changed regardless of what I’ve done, or tried to do. I have three beautiful grand kids now yet I only know one of them because I kept my first grandchild, a grandson, from the time he was two weeks old until they moved a thousand miles away when he was three and a half. She accused me of being “obsessed” with my grandson and felt he thought I was his “mommy” instead of her…so…off they went. Because she wanted to break this bond I was not allowed to even talk with my grandson over the phone for up to six months, and neither was my oldest son, his uncle, that he had also formed a very loving bond with and called his, “bestest buddy”. My son? Well, he has allowed it unfortunately so it’s been thirteen years of hell not to mention all the “loans” that turned into giveaways over the years. Mother In Laws get a bad rap because who do they call when they want a sitter, or a loan? Dad’s aren’t as easily manipulated as mom’s are, they know this, and so it’s the mean ‘ol mom they whine to when they make irresponsble decisions. It’s too late for me but I would advise other mother in laws NOT to make the mistakes I made. I’m sixty-five now and living on a fixed income because of all the “loans” over the years that haven’t been paid back and probably never will. Her family has been treated like royalty, but again, I fault my son for allowing my daughter in law to bring nothing but total hell into our lives for thirteen years now. I raised him as a “Single” mom and we had a wonderful and loving relationship…until he met her…and nothing has changed with her at all. She’s as nasty today to me, and my oldest son, as she was the first day we met her and now I know why my son laughed when he first told me about meeting her. He said, “Mom, you’ll really like her. She’s a Preacher’s daughter.” Unfortunately, I had never heard those jokes and didn’t “get it”, but I sure do now!
Hi Sandi,
I can so relate to your situation…Our son also brought home a young lady he met in college and said “you will love her, Mom”!
Well, we did love her and thought our son hit the jackpot!…Until they were engaged 6 months later…A new personality suddenly emerged or maybe this was the real personality! She was a fraud and she had a plan….And the plan did not include my son’s family! None of us from sister to grandparents to Aunts and Uncles to niece and nephew! I nearly killed myself trying to build a relationship with her. Nothing worked or was going to work….I found myself in a very serious major depression and will NOT go there again….My son has allowed it and at times seems possessed! Or maybe he isn’t my real son…So here we are, 5.5 years and 2 grandchildren later..I love my son and miss him and feel cheated of my grandchildren. With the help of therapy I now have the tools to cope and not allow myself to be treated like garbage. Because she is toxic and my son enables her toxicity we have a very limited relationship…I now try to focus on what I have and not on what I don’t have….It helps…
Hi Sharon,
I’m glad you’ve been able to find some help with counseling in order to deal with your feelings better. Grandparent alienation is term that hasn’t been well known for very long, but it’s definitely a huge problem. Now there is tons of information online about “grandparent visitation rights” etc because of so many problems within families these days. I can’t help but wonder if your son realizes that he very well may be what is commonly referred as an abused man or abused husband. Abused Men is a serious problem in society, not just abused women. From the way you describe what’s going on there, it sure sounds as if the wife is calling the shots and is very controlling – which he’s allowing to happen for some unknown reason. I wish more men who are in mentally and emotionally abusive relationships (controlled by their girlfriends or wives) would realize what’s being done to them and their self esteem and find the courage to get out.
Hi Sandi,
What you describe going on in your family happens in many families but most people refuse to acknowledge it or don’t know what to call it.
It’s called Toxic Family or Toxic Family Members.
It’s sad when there is conflict between mother in-laws and daughter in-laws, but it’s all too common. What I find especially disturbing is the number of men who refuse to deal with the issues between their wife and mom, preferring to turn a deaf ear to it all and just ignore it. Hoping it will just go away all by itself.
What you mentioned about the “loans” goes right along with other articles I’ve written on this site about “helping vs enabling” grown adult children. It never turns out quite the way it was envisioned or planned, and almost always creates further financial problems for the “kids” and the parents too.
I agree that Mother In-Laws get a bad rap a lot of the time. Hang in there.
I’m going thru a really hard time right now with really nobody to talk to (just someone to talk to outside of the family). I never really knew of “toxic” people before. I knew something was wrong, but then I just did an engine search about adult sibling rivalry and how to deal with it. It took quite awhile searching and not finding what I was needing that I kind of gave up searching. But I continued my search and came across your website. Upon reading the article, it really opened my eyes to see that there are other people out there that are going thru and have gone thru what I am dealing with. And all I want now to do is to talk to these people who have been thru it and can understand what I am feeling and doing and just get some help. I can talk to other family members, but I don’t think they really know the depth of what is going on and how long this has affected me. I really could tell you what is going on, but I don’t know if you want me to do it here. I can tell you this much, just to give you an idea of what’s going on….my mom is in the hospital right now. I have 2 sisters and we are all grown. I am a middle kid and am 41. My mom called me Christmas day to say she needed to go to the ER. She was having a weird lethargic pain in her right side mainly in the hand (couldn’t grip very well). Anyways, my sisters and I have never gotten along. We don’t speak for years and then things like this happen and I just dread having to deal with them because of past experiences in dealing with them. I could go on and tell you more detail of exactly what has happened in the past, but I won’t because it would take awhile just to get it all out and I’m not sure if this is the place you want me to talk about it. I asked my mom if she wanted me to call anybody to let them know we were here and she said no, she didn’t want to make a big deal and have everybody worried and coming up there. So they admitted her and the next day she called my younger sister. I spent the whole morning “preparing” myself on how I was going to deal and I wasn’t going to let her get to me. I was there for my mom and only her. But then the door opened and here she came with her husband. And everything I tried to teach myself and pump myself up on how to deal with them and let everything they say just roll off my back, just went right out the window. I am not perfect and I am not blaming anybody. I myself am toxic, as hard as it is to admit. But I am and have recognized it and know that I have to change. I knew one day my mom would need us and you never think this kind of day comes when you have to drop all your anger and resentment and hatred towards family members and focus on the one who needs help. Things said from my sister (over something petty) and I just lost it and said to her I will NOT let you do this to me. Then the husband said “zip it” to me. I looked at him and said “this is NOT your mother” and he said “yes she is” and I said “you need to worry about your own mother” and he said “THIS is my mother”. We went back and forth and we were just totally losing it. My sister yells at me that I am not needed here anymore and I need to leave and not come back and asked why now do you all of a sudden “care”. All I could say was how dare she say that when she knows nothing of my relationship with my mom and how I’ve been there when she needed me. And the whole time, the brother in law is telling me to shut up. I really didn’t mean to say anything but I was so tired of letting them control how I felt and the person I am. On another note, the brother in law has cut off his own mother because she finally divorced his dad (he is verbally abusive just like the BIL is) and she finally got the courage to leave. He went over there to where she was staying and totally ripped into her saying that it was all her fault and that she would never see the grandkids again. He pushed her. I had never really met her and I had heard my mom say that she was working at a department store here at the Chanel counter. I walked by and just quietly asked her if she was Mrs. Boler. She said yes, very nicely. I said “oh hi, I’m heather and we have never met”. She was so nice and so was I. Then I said “I’m the one they talk bad about” in a jokingly manner (which was true) and she replied saying “I’m the one they talk bad about too”. It took me back a little when she said that and I asked what do you mean? Then she told me that she was divorcing and what her son did to her and I was just totally shocked. She said she hadn’t seen the kids (my sister has 2, a boy 11 and a girl 16) in about 6 months. I told her I was so sorry and I really felt bad that they did this. That’s one of the meanest things somebody can do to a parent is to cut off contact between her and the kids. she kind of shrugged her shoulders and said “well, not much I can do about it”. I could tell she was emotionally drained. I went right home and told my mom and she said she knew about it and told me that Mrs. Boler’s kids have all cut her out of their lives because of the divorce. She was never the problem, it was always the dad. But I also all of a sudden, felt this feeling of I’m not alone. I’m not the only one with the problem since my sisters have always told me that I was the problem and I believed them. Anyways, that was the reason I lashed out and told the BIL that he needed to worry about his mom. I know I was imature and so were they. My cousin, whom I am close to, was there too in the room and kept trying to pull me away, but I had years of crying, hatred, depression, no self esteem and total hatred towards them just like they had for me just rise to the surface and I couldn’t do this anymore. They finally left the room and I said to my mom “why don’t you ever say anything and be on my side for once”. She said you just have to ignore them and not let what they say bother you. She’s always been like that. When we were little and we would fight, it was “go to your room or go play outside and basically separate”. It was never addressed and we weren’t brought back together to say I’m sorry and kiss and make up. It was never addressed. I don’t blame my mom for anything. I blame all of us for being so immature, hateful and bascially toxic people (me and my 2 sisters). I called my mom this morning to check on her and knew that if the phone rang in her room, she would answer because she knows that if someone else answered, be it my sister or BIL, they would hang up on me. So she didn’t answer and I called the nurses station and asked if she was up and if anybody was in there. They came back to say that yes she was up and there was a guy in there. I spent most of last night searching and reading things on toxic people and in some way found the strength to say “I will not let them control me”. I also called my cousin to tell her I was sorry for what she had to see the day before and she said that was the most awful and hateful and utterly horrible two people (my sister and BIL) she had ever heard. She said she wanted to say something so, but knew that they would have probably called security, etc. But it is not my cousins nature to do that. She is a total saint. She has always been there for me when I needed her and will sit and listen quietly to me. She never takes sides. I do lean on her a lot and I really felt bad that she had to see that. I asked her what would she do if she was in my situation and she said I would stear clear of this and them. I said I can’t because I’m doing this for my mom and I want to be there for her. You would think that us “adults” could just be civil to each other without bad things coming up. So this morning, the nurse when in her room and told her that I was on the phone. I was totally nice and mature and didn’t bring up anything from the night before because I wanted to just focus on her. I did tell her I was sorry and I said he was so mean and she said it was ok and yes, he was mean. I told her that I would be up later. Part of me just wanted to stay away and not put myself in that situation in being there with them both, but I knew this is what I needed to do to deal with it. And that was holding my chin up, focusing straight on my mom, and killing THEM with kindness. So I showed up with some flowers walked right in there being as cheerful as I could. That was so hard to do that. I said to the BIL, Hi, how are you? and he mumbled “i’m fine, you? and I said “oh I’m doing wonderful”! I know that was a smart ass, but I guess I was trying to find the humor in all of this and have found that if I can find humor in how this is all going, then I can not let them get to me. So I helped my mom wash her face, brush her teeth, etc. she wanted to sit up and the BIL immediately jumped up and started moving her legs and just doing things that to me was a little disturbing or just weird. Then in comes my sister. She lets out this big SIGH and a roll of the eyes. I very cheerfully (and being a smart ass) said “Hi, Hillary”! She didn’t see a word and I never looked at her when I said that. I never look at her in the face because if I do, I just shrink inside. And she won’t look at me either. So she’s on one side of my mom’s bed and I’m on the other and we were straightening out her sheets and she pulled the sheet up first and then I got the blanket and was pulling it up when my sister yanked the corner of it from me saying “I believe it goes over here” real nasty like and I said calmly “wait, it’s all twisted”. She immediately raised her voice and said “I think we need to do increments”. I quietly said no, stop. My mom made this big sigh like please don’t start this again. She yelled and said Yes, and I said shhhh, stop very quietly. She then yells, “you are starting this” and I just shook my head saying “just stop it” quietly. The BIL was kind of standing next to me and I was really expecting him to whip his head towards me and tell me to shut up, but he didn’t. But I was thinking in my head “increments”??? You mean shifts???? But I never said it out loud. I found it kind of weird that everything my mom was being shifted, the BIL would jump right up and start fixing her pillow under her foot. An intern came in and started asking questions and my mom would answer and he would add his comment saying, she did this but can’t do this, etc. To me I feel he is invading my space between me and my mom. I’m damned if I will let him take over and say this is his mom, etc. I think what’s going on is that he is compensating and doing things for my mom that deep down he should do for his mom??? That’s probably not the right word to use, but I notice I do that with friends and co-workers in that I really let my caring side come out for them so that I can deep down convince myself that I am not a bad person like my sisters say I am. I left the room to go run errands, but before I left I gave my mom a kiss on the cheek and said I love you. That right there took a lot for me to do because I have never told her that. But the minute I got into my car, I totally broke down. I’ve always been so mad deep down at her because I always wanted her for once to be on my side and saying something to them. It really bothered me that she didn’t say anything to the BIL after his really mean comments. But I am learning and I keep telling myself that it’s not my mom’s nature to do this. She doesn’t like conflict and tries to avoid it. We do talk about, but I only go home feeling so depleated and drained because I feel she really doesn’t understand how painful this is for me. I wish I had someone to stand next to me and stand up for me. I’m not married and I don’t have any kids or a boyfriend. I’m not desperate to find someone just for this reason because I know that’s not healthy. I think of a couple of guys I work with and wish they could have been there to put him in his place in a nice way. But I could never do this and ask someone to do this. I have to learn to be strong and handle these things on my own. After reading the article, I now know that I have to eliminate them from my life and find my own happiness. I don’t know how to do that, I don’t have the skills. I know what needs to be done and that it’s a daily thing that I have to practice and basically imbed it in my brain til it is second nature and if I have to deal with them, it won’t bother me. I’ve been thru so much…counseling, anti-depressants, thoughts of suicide in the past, all kinds of treatments. I know what needs to be done, but when I work on it and I feel strong and know that I can handle them, the minute something happens like my mom going in the hospital and just knowing I have to deal with them, all my training just goes right out the door. And it’s like I have to start all over again. I really could go on and on about this, but I know I’ve taken up too much of your time. After yesterday’s blow up, I came home just crying like I’ve never cried before feeling so depleted and drained and feeling so worthless and low and thinking back to past blow ups and thinking they must be right about me that I am a loser, which I get called that a lot. I just cried out to God why was He letting this happen and why after all this time of working myself up to being strong, I lose it in an instant and why was this happening and I just can’t understand why at times I’m toxic and why can’t I change and why can’t we just be civil to each other??? I pray for God to send someone who will stand by my side and stand up for me and help defend all the blows that come my way. I cried to my dad, who passed away 10 years ago,wishing he was here and begging for him to be here in spirit and giving me a sign that he is here, etc. So that’s when I started just searching the internet. There has to be people in my situations with my same problems. I want to be strong, I want to change. My sisters and I will never have a relationship and I’ve learned to deal with that. But I get so sad just thinking how I wish things were different. But it will never happen. Family members constantly tell me they love me and care for me and they tell me I need to form my own “family” and concentrate on that. But I don’t have my own family and I try to concentrate of volunteering and focusing on someone else’s needs which helps a little. I am such a wreck right now and I’m so torn in that I know that I need to be with my mom right now, but I can’t keep walking into that room knowing that there is such tension there. but they won’t leave and would never do a “shift” so we can avoid each other. And if my older sister was to come, which my mom has told her not to, then I would stay away because she has hurt me the deepest of all and I will avoid her at all costs. But when I do stay away, I’m the one that is told “you don’t care about mom, you only care about yourself and you are a loser”. After my dad died, which was very sudden (heart attack at 56), my younger sister called me to give me a “piece of her mind”. She just went on saying that I was the reason he died and I always used him just to get money, and said I was such a loser and I needed to do the world a favor and do away with myself, etc etc. I hung up on her and immediately called my mom and she said why didn’t I just hang up on her and just ignore her and not let what she said bother me etc. My mom never told my sister she shouldn’t have done that or anything. So that just confirmed that they were right and I would build up the anger and become that toxic person just like my sisters were, but to them I was the problem. I admit, which they won’t, that we did treat my dad like crap and only really talked to him when we needed something. All 3 of us did this. My dad did have an anger problem and my parents always would fight and yell a lot and I hated it. I am a lot like my dad in that way that I speak my mind and I will tell someone that they have hurt me. I did talk to my dad about 2 days before he died and I was asking him how he felt. He was battling a real bad cold and couldn’t take anything because he was on heart meds (he did have a heart attack 2 years earlier which again was full of drama at the hospital). And I got the courage up and told him that I cared. It was so sad that it took a lot for me to say that. My sisters never did. I guess it’s called stupid pride?? But he said he always felt nobody ever really cared about his feelings and I said who do you mean, expecting him to say me, and he said all three of you all. After my sisters call to me I did tell her what he said and she was like “yeah, right, whatever” meaning it was never them, just me. I spent a lot of time with him at the funeral home just begging for forgiveness. I wrote him a letter saying how much I loved him and how sorry I was and I put it in his pocket. Nobody knows to this day that I did that. Again, I could go on and on and on. But I believe that God brings people into our lives for a reason and that we all have a purpose and a plan for our life and there is a reason we go thru what we go thru to learn and grow. So I truly believe that “stumbling upon” this site was God’s doing. I just pray for help and the courage to let go and move on and be a happy, fulfilled, healthy person. Thanks for reading.
Hi Heather, I’m soooo sorry you’re having to deal with such nonsense as this. Don’t worry about the length of your message here, it’s not a problem at all.
From what you describe here, it appears to me as though you’ve been raised your entire life to not speak up, not stand up for yourself, but to just “go with the flow” of what goes on in your life. I don’t agree with your mom’s position in how she didn’t handle conflict situations with you and your siblings while you were growing up, and I don’t subscribe to the idea to tell children who are arguing and fighting to simply ignore what is being said or done. Parents MUST act and TEACH their children how to treat other people, including/especially their own family members. That is what Discipline is all about: teaching, training etc. You didn’t receive such teaching and training, but rather you’ve learned over the years to just put up with all types of B.S. handed down to you, with the expectation that you will just roll over and accept it.
But not anymore! Perhaps your mom (and dad?) never developed the skills necessary to deal with obnoxious people either, so they were unable to teach you how to do it as you grew up. But you can all on your own.
From what you’ve written here, I’m not sure that I would say that you personally are toxic. It seems to me that you’re reactions and behaviors are simply reactions to what others are throwing at you on a regular/routine basis. Getting angry and throwing a reactionary fit doesn’t make you a toxic person, but it does exemplify the common reactions from people who have been victimized by toxic people or toxic family members for a period of time.
You have taken on so much “guilt” due to what your siblings have been dishing out at you, and guilt over the fact that no one has had the “balls” to stand up and say No More! That’s just wrong on so many levels. The way your BIL treats you, telling you to shut up etc, is totally unacceptable and it makes me angry for you that no one including your mom has dealt with it. Now look at the effect it has had on you and your emotional/mental health.
The audacity of your sister to tell you that you should basically kill yourself is downright disgusting! We all have just this one life, and we all have to make the very best of the life we each have, and that’s why it’s often necessary to completely cut out of our lives the people who are toxic and mean and hateful to the core.
You have every RIGHT to decide for yourself to no longer associate AT ALL with your siblings who treat you like dirt under their holier than thou feet. You have every right to speak to and visit your mother whenever and wherever you two decide without any involvement from your siblings or BIL.
Here is my suggestion for you to mull over in your mind and heart: Keep your relationship with your mother as loving and healthy as possible. Make arrangements to visit her at the hospital when your toxic siblings can’t possibly be there (perhaps late at night or very early morning).
When she’s out of the hospital, make arrangements to visit your mom at times when no one else could possibly be coming around. Visit with her at your place, or go out for lunch, dinner, a movie together or other mom/daughter activities where there is NO discussion of other family members whatsoever. If necessary, mention to your mom at some point that you want to enjoy your time with her one-on-one without any mention of the others in the family brought up. If it happens, change the subject or say “let’s not talk about that/them right now, let’s just enjoy our time together”.
If you are unable to visit your mother at her place because others are always there, then initiate visits with her outside of her home each and every time. The important thing is to have an enjoyable, pleasant, healthy relationship with your mom whenever possible. The “where” doesn’t matter at all.
I also recommend that you not allow your siblings or BIL to contact you in any way. You can Block the phone numbers from your siblings so they get an automatic message any time they try to call you that you are unavailable. Change your phone numbers if necessary, making them “unlisted” and/or “unpublished” so they can’t be found by any kind of searching online or offline. If there is an aunt or uncle or other relative/family friend that you can trust to respect your wishes of not giving out your numbers or contact information to your siblings, perhaps that person can be the one who can notify you of any family emergencies that may occur at some point.
What I’m saying is: Allow yourself the personal right to disengage, disassociate, and detach. This is your life, and you need and deserve to live your life free of being mentally and emotionally abused by anyone, especially your own family members.
The longer you go without any involvement with your siblings, the more relaxed and stress-free you will be. Your overall health will drastically improve, and you’ll be the better for it.
I would also highly recommend that you read books about toxic people and toxic family members
, since this one article isn’t enough to help you get over the hump you’ve been dealing with.
I also recommend keeping and writing in a personal journey/diary
to be able to see for yourself how you’re feeling much better after you’ve stopped associating and engaging with your siblings. Use the journal to write your positive goals and dreams down on paper, and take active steps to make those things happen for you. The journal is not meant to write down all the terrible things being said or done to you; it’s to change the negative mental picture in your mind into a positive mental picture for yourself.
Each time you reach a goal, even something very small, write down in your journal how you FEEL about achieving your goal. Positive reinforcement on a regular basis, with ZERO negative garbage coming into your life, will drastically change how you feel right now.
Give this some thought. Mull it over. Put it into practice, and then please come back and let us know how you’re doing. Hang in there; It. will. get. better.
I am woundering if there is anyone that could help me out. I am married to an only child and we’ve been married for 11 years and have 2 girls 12 and 8. My problems really started when I felt something wasn’t right in my family and relationship. I constantly felt like a child not a married woman because my husband was so use to “checking in” with his parents, taking ours kids to their house because “they missed them and wanted to see them” (at that time my husband was also a over the road truck driver so time at home was limited with our family) I did suggest that we go to counseling to help and learn how to deal with “cutting the strings” because his mother has narcistic tendencies ,is manipulative and has a sense of entitlement when it comes to our family. We were taught to set bounderies didn’t work they badgered my husband and put big guilt trips on him said that we were keeping the kids from them etc… I don’t deal with them at all in that sense because the counselor said that it should be my husband that deals other wise they’ll just hate me…. well they think that our counselor is a quack and the motherin law has stated that “I’m not her favorite person”, they just won’t let up their idea of abiding with our bounderies is to lay low and basically give it time and go back to their same ol tricks. I’ sick of the roller coaster ride!!! I sometimes feel that my husband doesn’t stick up for me (HIS WIFE!!!!) and our kids enough. it feels like hes on a fence and has to pick n choose where he wants to have his loyalties. My husband also gets tired of it all and I think that he’d just go back to how things were if I didn’t “bring up issues” and make him deal with them. I guess my question is when is enough enough?? Do I just lay things on the line and tell him its either this or else?? I’ve encouraged him , I’ve patted him on the back when hes done something that was difficult, I’ve let him know that I realllly appreciate what he has done, and how it makes me feel that he cares…..but I feel the steam running out for me is this how i have to be the rest of my marriage??? Is there anyone out there that is married to an only child that has similar situations???? I am starting to wounder what it is like to have a family with a committed husband and father. My husband gets so stressed out that it affects his parenting and home life hes crabby and short with the kids. what can I do to help my husband?? I have wanted to cut ties with his parents because I see them as being toxic to our family, but he’d just go behind my back n keep his toxic relationship going. I also didnt mention that the inlaws will corner our girls and question them and put guilt trips on them “oh we sure miss you ….why don’t you come and see us?” “what did we do ?” they were told to not question or put guilt trips on the kids because after all they are kids and they won’t understand everything and they don’t need to know everything that is going on. they just don’t think that they have to follow anything thats asked. I guess that I didn’t sign up for this outrageous mess. but here i am….
Hi Heather, I just finished reading your comments/questions and Lin’s suggestions and wanted to send you a message.
You are in the right place for help, believe me. Not too many months ago I found Lin’s website after looking for information on family enabling.
I am so happy that I did! I have learned so much about family, friends, etc., and now I am learning about toxic people who are in almost all of our lives.
I think you are on the right track by some of what you are saying and what Lin is advising you to do.
Just the fact that you recognize who the toxic people are in your life is a very good thing. You sound like a very caring person who has a lot of love to give. You shouldn’t feel like you are the toxic person in your family. It seems that your family members are trying to put you into that position because they cannot admit that THEY are the toxic people and have always put the blame for anything bad in their lives on you.
You can’t help what happened when you were a child anymore than any of us can. It’s time to love yourself and pray for guidance each day to believe you are the good person you are!
Please, please pay special attention to the advice Lin gave you regarding your mother and the time the two of you need to spend together without the drama from your siblings. That time will be remembered by both of you for as long as you live. You will never have to feel remorse for anything if you do that for yourselves.
I’m saying this because I lost my mother this past summer and because we never had the kind of relationship you can have with your mother. Unfortunately, my mother was the toxic one in our family. We never blamed her for it because of her childhood with her own toxic mother, but it hurt us so much. My remaining brother and I feel such sadness now. We tried so hard to have the kind of relationship with mom that we saw with friends and other relatives, but it didn’t work for us.
Don’t let your toxic family members destroy what good times you will have with your mother! You’ll be so much happier and you will realize that you may never have a good relationship with them because of who they are, not who you are.
Betty — thank you SO MUCH for telling me this. You don’t know how much that means to me to hear that I am not alone. I believe that God truly brought me to this website. In the past two days of dealing with absolutely horrible things happening, I have felt a tremendous peace within and it’s something I have never felt before. Lin is truly an angel with a gift to help others in ways we never knew we could heal or deal with on our own. I’ve been writing down everything she has told me to do and I’m writing your advice too in my journal which Lin advised me to get. I am ready for this, I’m ready for healing. For too long I’ve let them define the person I am and I became toxic too. Finally reading this article and talking with Lin, I realized it was not all me and this is a normal thing and I’m not alone. I am so sorry for you and what you have had to go thru and are still going thru. And I am truly sorry for your loss. No matter who it was and what kind of person they were, it still hurts. But I truly believe that our loved ones that have passed on truly are there with us and we can talk to them. I felt just like you when my dad died, but talking to him in spirit and prayers really helped because deep down I felt this feeling that he really understood and that we have had a “forgiveness” of some sorts and we were ok. I pray that you all will find peace and live the fullest life you can. I always would say to myself and friends that watching the behavior of my sisters and me and my parents was teaching me how NOT to be with my kids and relationships. I don’t have kids or a husband, but I hope one day I do. But I have to get better before I can be good for anybody. Again, my prayers are with you and I thank you again for such kind words.
Thanks, Heather.
I, too, have “talked” (with my mother) and have faith that she is in a much better place. She wasn’t evil; she just had a difficult time in her life here. I always felt sorry for her, and loved her because she was my mom.
I wish you a very wonderful new year!
My sister-in-law fits the description of a Toxic Person perfectly and I know I should cut all ties but I can’t, even her brother – My husband wants to but I can’t. She has done and said awful things to and about my family but she is like a sister to me. I started dating my husband when I was 16 and she was 12, even though they didn’t leave together for most of my husbands teenage years because of divorce, we were still very close. My husband and his sister had pretty messed up childhoods, and my sister-in-law ended up pregnant at 16 by her 15 year old boyfriend. 14 years later she is still married to him and they have 4 children, the oldest two are boys and they have a muscular disease and are in wheel chairs. She has a pretty hard life that she is responsible for a lot of. She isn’t a very happy person to say the least. They spent a year leaving with us when they only had the oldest, he was actually diagnoised while they lived with us. We had no children at the time and I often refer to him as my “oldest” because it feels that way to me. I am also very close to the rest of her children, I even watched her give birth to her youngest.
Here lies the problem, about 6 months ago our families had a huge blow up and we haven’t really spoken or seen them. But about a week ago she sent me a couple text messages , which I confirmed from others in the family, that the 2nd oldest is having a possible life threatning surgery in next month and that I was welcome to be at the hospital or see him before. Every part of me wants to be there for him but how do I avoid being manipulated by his mother? My husband has his wall up and told me I could do what I wanted but he was done. She is also sending other messages trying to make me feel bad for her.
Hi Jen,
For six months there was no communication between you and your sister in-law, but now that her son is having some possible serious health problems, suddenly she’s coming to you. On her terms of course.
You say she’s like a sister to you. A toxic sister no less. A sister who has said horrible things about you and your family, and a sister who is the cause of most of her own problems according to what I’ve read.
You feel sorry for her Jen. You feel sorry for her that she’s had a difficult childhood and difficult life for a variety of reasons, some of which she’s brought on herself, right? Having compassion, pity, empathy etc for people is admirable of course. But.
It’s clear to me that this sisterly relationship is on HER terms, and that tells me this relationship/friendship/sisterhood is one-sided. You care for her and love her despite her toxic personality, and she now decides to message you after six long months of silence because she wants/needs a shoulder to cry on.
Re-read your last sentence above. “She is also sending other messages trying to make me feel bad for her. What does that tell you? What it tells me is m.a.n.i.p.u.l.a.t.i.o.n
Manipulation to get you to do what SHE wants, everything on HER terms, and if she feels that pouring on GUILT TRIPS will work, then by all means let the guilt trips commence. No holds barred.
Do you realize that you actually DID cut all ties previously and that it’s lasted six months so far? But now she “needs” you. You two share a long history together, growing up together in many ways, sharing the joys of children together etc.
She knows you very well doesn’t she? She knows what buttons to push with you, she knows what to say and what to do to get a reaction out of you that suits her, right? That last sentence says it all, at least for me. She’s knowingly, purposely pushing your emotional buttons to make you “feel bad for her” and give in to her not so subtle requests.
I can’t tell you not to go. I wish I could. You already know, as you said above, that she has the ability to manipulate you. That’s what she’s doing right now, and she has you playing an emotional tug-of-war game with yourself, and doing everything she knows how to do to guilt you into doing what she wants. As usual, right?
If it were ME, there’s no way I would fall for that sorry old trick and put myself in the situation of having to deal with this person anymore. Life is just too short to live it dealing with toxic people beating us down emotionally, mentally, spiritually etc. Think about the peacefulness you very likely experienced during those six months of silence; no drama nonsense to contend with etc. Why put yourself back into that same situation that has a long history of not being healthy for you?
Whatever you decide to do I wish you well in that decision.
Hi, Jen
I read with interest your story and Lin’s advice regarding not getting into the same old situation with your sister-in-law by going to the hospital. What a difficult situation for you.
Lin is so right about all that she said! The trouble would start all over again and maybe even be worse than before if you go to the hospital.
If anything you do or say (for instance, going to the hospital) makes life more difficult for you and the rest of your family because of your sister-in-law, it would be a very bad idea to go. It would also be bad for your nephew to be stressed before serious surgery.
My prayers go with your nephew and you!
I have a 28 year old daughter and I moved out of my own home (couldn’t get her to move out) 8 years ago because living under the same roof with her became intolerable. She constantly lied to me, manipulated me, stole from me, bullied me, created problems for me on my job (which I lost in the end because I became so ill from all the stress I had to resign), was so rude to my friends they stopped coming round to see me, alienated me from my family (got them to believe I was abusing her) and emotionally and mentally abused me.
In my case it was subtle and I didn’t see it coming. Her father disappeared when she was 3 and I struggled to raise her by myself. I was so busy and exhausted all the time trying to juggle everything (like most single mothers) – the situation just crept up on me very gradually and by the time I realized what was happening the situation had become unmanageable. There were no clear cut warning signs but in hindsight I can see that it started with very subtle manipulation (it’s easy to not pick up on things if you’re having to do 3 different jobs, have to shoulder all the responsibility, have no help or support and are exhausted all the time) and it just very very gradually escalated over the years until she had me completely under her control and at that point it wasn’t so subtle anymore but I fear it was too late. The thing is that she can seem totally charming and sweet to those on the outside so I just looked like the crazy one who was simply under too much stress and she was the victim having to deal with a crazy mother (she got lots of sympathy from everyone as no-one believed me and her behavior continued to be rewarding for her) she even fooled the one therapist she agreed to see (though she only went for 3 sessions) who came to the conclusion I was the problem (can you believe it?)
I’ve ended up with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and as a result lost everything I worked so hard to achieve, not only for myself but also to guarantee the future I had hoped to give her, has gone up in smoke.
I have spent quite a lot of time in therapy over the last 8 years trying to figure out just how this happened – how did I manage to screw it up so badly. I can honestly say I have done some serious soul searching, taken a good long hard look at myself turned over every stone and the conclusion I’ve come to is that while I admit I have made my fair share of mistakes as a parent I honestly don’t see how I contributed to her behavior. I behave nothing like she does. I like peace and harmony. I hate conflict and am quick to admit when I’m in the wrong and am usually the one who takes the first step in making amends when there’s been some falling out.
My daughter blames me for her behavior – in fact she blames me for everything. She tells me I raised her this way and that everything is my fault and that’s just the nice stuff. She’s very angry that she didn’t have a father when she was growing up. The first problems started to emerge when she was in her teens (at that time they seemed like normal teen-from-broken-home problems) and I saught professional help for her but she refused all help from anybody and it didn’t matter how hard I tried to help or nurture her she’d take everything I’d do for her and throw it back in my face and she’d turn around any positive guidance I tried to give her to fuel more negative and destructive behavior. Any boundaries I’d set would be completely ignored and disregarded. I can honestly say I tried everything – from tough love to lots of nurturing and kind supportive understanding but absolutely NOTHING I would say or do one way or the other seemed to make any difference whatsoever.
I still have contact with her and although we now live in different countries and I have had to put up boundaries as to how much contact we do have – we haven’t completely lost touch. However I’ve been seriously ill for the past 7 years but she never calls me to see how I am and whenever she does call it’s always because she’s screwed her life up again and wants me to comfort and nurture her and tell her that it’s all my fault and if I don’t she threatens to disappear leaving me no way to get in touch with her and leaving me to fear the worse (she’s threatened suicide in the past). She still subtley implies that all her difficulties are my fault and that I’m a total failure as a parent. On top of the CFS I suffer from severe stress, depression, anxiety and have frequent panic attacks. I realize that there’s nothing I can say or do to improve our relationship as I would do whatever it takes but she is unwilling. I am not the same person I used to be – she has completely taken everything from me, destroyed everything I worked for and totally drained me. My life is a living hell – if she weren’t my own daughter who I love with all my heart I’d have cut her out of my life years ago. I think this is what I will probably need to do – but I don’t know how – it hurts so much – it breaks my heart.
Wow Katy, what a heartwrenching story to say the least. The troubles between you and your daughter are very disturbing and I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this. There is definitely a lot of toxic behaviors going on here and you’ve been going through so many damaging effects of toxic family that it has been wreaking havoc on your life.
While reading your story and what you’ve described as the behaviors from your daughter, it reminded me of some very deep reading and research I had done a few years ago about “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” (NPD) and “Pathological Narcissism”. I certainly have no way of knowing or the ability to diagnose anyone with narcissistic personality disorder, but there are elements of what you’ve described that brought those articles and books on narcissistic personality or pathological narcissism to mind.
That being said, there are also things you’ve mentioned that create questions about other psychological problems like psychopath/sociopath manipulations, lies etc that came to mind as well.
I don’t know what causes your daughter to behave the way she does, but I can see the effects it has had on you over a period of many years. Only you can decide if or when to break all ties with her, or to greatly diminish the access she has to you and your life in order for you to have a life free of constant drama and problems she wishes to bring on you. Living in different countries should help some, but if your daughter is able to easily reach you and upset you on a regular basis and cause you a lot of stress and health problems, you may want to seriously consider taking necessary steps to greatly reduce the ways she is able to get a hold of you and keep it on your terms. I wish I could say more Katy, but I do wish you much peace and tranquility by reducing or eliminating the toxic influence she has on you and your life. Good luck!
Hi Lin,
Thankyou for your kind response. I have read about personality disorders and have considered whether she might have one as I’ve read that where there is one mental illness often there are others and on my mother’s side of the family there are mental illnesses (no personality disorders that I’m aware of but problems such as ADHD, ODD, depression, schizophrenia). When I tried to get help I mentioned the family history in addition to describing her behavior to doctors and psychiatrists years ago but I was met with disbelief and told I was neurotic that there was probably nothing wrong with her (how they could say this without knowing her I don’t know) and I just always seemed to come off looking like the crazy one, the nasty controlling mother who was projecting mental illness on her lovely, charming and absolutely normal daughter who was just going through the usual growing pains and if anything it was me who needed to get my act together.
I have suffered from depression myself since all this evolved but before was a fairly happy person and the counselors I have worked with over the years have found me to have an incredibly balanced mind and to be emotionally stable despite all the heartache I’ve been through.
I have taken steps to keep things with her on my terms as much as possible. Sadly over the last year it seemed things were improving and I thought perhaps I had been wrong all along and that it was just a case of her needing more time to grow up and mature (it’s amazing the denial and excuses we make in order not to face the painful truth) – I started to trust her a little more (not too much but I wasn’t as carefully guarded as usual) but then my sister passed away and my mother became extremely ill and, having already let down my guard with my daughter in addition to being vulnerable at that point, she took the opportunity to twist the knife in and torment me about my sister and mother (both relationships my daughter had managed to alienate me from).
Then a couple of months later while I was still grieving and still reeling from the last psychological assault she called in tears making out she was homeless, penniless, sick and alone – it turned out none of this was true however she knows I’m very empathetic and I would personally relate to this story since I myself have experienced being homeless, penniless while sick and alone (after I lost everything when I became ill and alone because she’d managed to alienate me from everyone) and that it was an extremely traumatic experience for me. It seems to me that the sole purpose of her lies is to cause me as much psychological distress as possible. She knows I’m on the other side of the world from her, that I’m very unwell (bedridden) and that there’s nothing I can do – all of this makes me feel so powerless. If I had to describe it I would compare it to some terrorist who has your loved one hostage and uses every method they can to tell you the horrible things and torture they are putting them through knowing you can do nothing. Yes it is very disturbing. There are times that, while I wish her well and hope she will make a turnaround and make something good of her life, I also wish never to see or hear from her again – and I love so so so much – I so wish we could have a close, loving bond (and she knows it) …
She’s talking about moving back to our hometown (which I don’t live far from) – but while I worry about her being so far away I fear for myself if she were closer. Since I am in no condition to move myself, I hope she stays put – at least until she decides to get serious help (don’t know if that will happen).
Thankyou for listening to me … It’s good to get this out and to be in a place where for a change I don’t feel like no-one believes me.
I have had a difficult five years, due to unemployment. My mother, sister, brother, and me all live together (I’m 47, my sister is 55, my brother is 52, my mother is 80). Yes…it’s a dysfunctional family. I had a “normal” upbringing, went to college and finished my masters by 25. However, having graduated in ’87, Reagan’s economy was awful, and my career has had its ups and downs for years. Well, my sister, who dropped out of college in 1972, never went back, and has many times been out of work ENTIRELY, for years, with no intention of ever working, until maybe four years ago…she finally is holding down a job, as low-level as it is. Well, my relationship with her has gone from pretty close when we were about 20 and 12, to now completely awful. She has clearly become the most toxic agent in my life, with my brother a close second (he hits us every now and then, but that’s for another post). I can’t believe I’m even writing this, but I have not spoken to any of my friends in so long, due to my perpetual unemployment. And my sister just makes my situation worse. She’s mean, she brings up the past, she puts me down, she’s jealous that I studied in France 22 years ago, she says every day that I was a spoiled child, she completely puts words in my mouth every second she gets, she consistently says how much my mother would rather live with her alone if we ever were able to break up (financially, no one can stand on their own two feet now. My brother could have, years ago, but he’s been a BIG NEANDERTHAL BABY his whole life. He did manage to hold down a job for the past 18 years, but just recently was laid, last year, and was laid off again 7 months later, in February of this year. He could still afford a condo, but won’t buy one. He has had a self-fulfilling prophecy for 15 years that he could lose his job and not make, and so now he has.
I hate living here…I hate it with all the passion I had when I was young for singing, and theatre, and my friends, and travel, etc. Now, I’m miserable, I’m screaming with someone every day, I’m entirely flat broke, I can’t even find a temp job (though I was temping for three years straight, completely killing the time I needed to find full-time permanent work in my field. Then, the temp jobs even dried up).
I hate my situation, and frankly pray for my sister’s demise every day. Even though my brother is the one who has hit me in the past from time to time (until I finally called 911 on him), it’s my sister whose relentless accusations, insults, insinuations, lies, calls to the past, and completely mean, snide remarks that make me think of the peace I’ll have the day she dies. I hate her, and would love to never see her again. If only I had the money to leave this house, and never, never return.
Hi Susan,
Your experience with toxic people is very similar to many other people. You are not alone, but that of course doesn’t help you deal with the craziness that surrounds you. Is there anyone you know (other family members or close friends) that you could stay with temporarily while you get on your own two feet and move into your own place? Heck, if it were me in this situation, I’d bust my butt to even find a job flipping burgers to make enough money to move into a cheap hotel/motel room, rather than continue to struggle with toxic family members.
And, there is no way I’d put up with an adult family member thinking it’s okay to hit me; I’d call the police and have his butt arrested too. I can’t even imagine the stress this situation puts on your elderly mother. It must drive her nuts.
Keep looking for a job – any job- anything legal that would get you the money to move out (even into a motel room if necessary), and get outta there. You could always continue looking for a job that pays more and has better benefits once you’ve gotten outta there. I’ve often heard it’s easier to find a job when you have a job. Consider a job that is not in your field right now; you need money and there very well may be a job that isn’t in your field right now that would help you get by on your own, until a job in your field comes along. Even if the job is a “menial” job or a warehouse type job – a job is a job right now in this economy, so be open to taking anything job there is while you search for one in your particular field. Good luck!
Uh, yeh. What she said. Get out *pronto*. And remember that toxic people will if not subconciously attempt to manage you with “oasis periods” where things go just swell again. Listen to your get, get the hell out. And physical abuse? That isn’t just mean, it happens to be criminal. Take care of yourself and do what’s best for YOU.
Adam
Hi Susan.
Read your comments on your family and hope you will take Lin’s advice. She only gives advice to help and support us all.
If you don’t so something soon it will only get worse. Believe me, I know how having a toxic person in the family can affect all members. In our family, the toxic person is my younger daughter. Her influence on my older daughter’s life nearly killed her (attempted suicide) and landed her in more trouble than she ever thought possible. She and her younger sister share a co-dependency that is not healthy for either of them. Her younger sister is very good at manipulation. She had her older sister so upset over all aspects of her life for months that she stopped taking her meds, went into a bad depression, and got into trouble with the local authorities. While she has been awaiting transport to another facility, her younger sister has been using her money for her own use so that there will not be anything for her when she returns to her home, and tries to pick the pieces of her life. Because of this, she will lose her monthly checks for several months, her apartment, and her self-confidence. The ridiculous part of all of this is that she is still very close to her younger sister and defends her. I have tried to talk to her about letting me put some money into a savings account for her, but now she says I’m trying to “tell her what to do with her money” (I’m sure those are her sister’s words), and she hasn’t called me for almost a week. I have accepted collect calls from her at $4.50 a pop, and have tried to help her and support her, but her sister must be having more of an affect on her than I realized. This is not good. I can’t accept their problems anymore as my problems. They are adults. They will have to live with the consequences of their actions. I love them, but there isn’t anything I can do anymore.
Don’t let yourself get into a situation that will ruin your life like my daughter did. It isn’t worth it. Do what you have to do. You’ll be much stronger for it.
Hi, I’m Alexis and I am 15 years old.
I have a mother who says mean things to me all the time..I try really hard for her not to hurt my feelings ..but it always does hurt.. I feel like crying all the time :’(
She’s called me fat cow, dog sh*t, pig, fat, ugly, unnatractive, evil, horrible, failure, and much more things i wish not to say.
But she always makes me feel like I’m this horrible, mean person ..I know I’m not, but sometimes she convinces me…
I know i am a genuine person with a big heart. But when you hear those mean things coming from BOTH your parents , it tears you apart. :’( because i dont wont those type of people in my life , but when those people happen to be your parents..they are all i have :’(
i dont know what to do. i’m SOo confused. I feel so alone and sad all the time. :’(
what can i do ? ?
i pray everyday that the future will get better!
Hi Alexis,
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with things like this. It’s very sad to hear that parents actually say things like this to their own kids. It’s just not right to treat kids this way.
I would suggest talking with the school counselor for a couple/few sessions and expressing your feelings and the things being said to you. Then, when the counselor feels it’s the right time, he/she can arrange for a meeting with you and your parents to kindly and respectfully talk about these things face to face. Having a neutral party helping to guide discussions can really help keep conversations on topic and where there isn’t any name calling etc.
I know that school counselors are still accessible even when school is out for the summer, so if that is the case where you live, you can still find out how to reach your school counselor perhaps on the school district website or by calling the school or district office and ask how you can get in touch with the school counselor.
Perhaps having these conversations with a counselor will help your parents see the harm they’re doing by the things they’re saying to you. I really hope so. Please keep trying.
Wow! Lin, I’ve been reading these posts for nearly an hour and boy- did they hit home. I have a Mom whom I love, but is mentally ill. My brother and I have seen her through a couple of suicide attempts and many hospitalizations. We recognize the behavior prior to becoming manic (for her) as she becomes despondent, no interest in anything, crying, etc. But it seems that she’s changed polarity. She has been obsessed with babysitting my niece since she was born. Why? I’m not sure, but due to her behavior my brother and his family were reluctant. The mood swings and outbursts are unpredicatable. Regardless, my mother has never not been allowed to see her grandchildren (my brother also has a 12 yo son). No one has ever banned her regardless of her behavior. Well, a few months back my sister in law decided she would try to ‘mend fences’ with my Mom and start over. Three weeks later, my Mom called her leaving a voicemail saying she wasn’t welcome in her home any longer. She felt like my sister in law was solely behind her not keeping my niece and she said some other cruel things to her and my brother that I won’t air here. Since then, Mom has chose over and over to verbally bash them to me. I’ve asked her repeatedly not to and she said it was her ‘constitutional right’ to express her opinion. Well, since the ‘blow up’ her conversations are very heavy laden with bashing my brother and his wife and much negative talk about anyone else. Where I feel I failed with her was like many here just ‘turning the other cheek’. I was often told by my Dad, “I know, but she’s your Mom.” So, that’s what we did for years. Well, now it’s reached a point where she and I had a HUGE fight. I asked her again to not discuss my brother and his family. I tried changing the subject, positive talk and anything else I thought would help. She wants my brother back in her life but kept yelling, “I don’t want any dealings with that woman.” I reminded her that this was her grandchildren’s Mom and her son’s wife. She said she didn’t care. Then I did the stupid, I started yelling. I should’ve never allowed it to take me that far. She started telling me what was wrong with me (which isn’t new behavior). I told her 3 different times that if this was to become a bashing session that it had to end. By time 3, I was yelling (and am ashamed for it). She then hung up. I know what I said to her needed saying. I regret how. At this point, I’ve reached a breaking point with her. I don’t have a desire to talk to her and haven’t. Despite it, she calls leaving voicemails to say she’s sorry BUT that I’m too sensitive and immature if I’m still ‘sulking’ and mad at her. These putdowns do not encourage me to talk with her. I don’t feel I’m quite ready to engage with her in conversation yet as I’m pretty angry with her. The negative, draining conversations are getting old. The only person that can change that is her. I’ve begged her to seek help and get blown off. I’m aware of her history of mental illness, but I’ve never seen her so angry with ‘the world’. She will even put down those who she claims she cares for the most. The sad thing is, she can be nice and decent and has been. But now when it comes to her children- she doesn’t want to. I guess I just wonder is there anything else I could do here to help. I’m not interested in fighting with her any more. Any ideas? Thanks for your patience with this long thread.
Vicky
Hi Vicky,
Wow, what a mess. Your mom is mentally ill, okay I get that. She feels she has a “constitutional right” to voice her opinions, negative or otherwise. If that is the case, YOU have a constitutional right NOT to have to be the one hearing her opinions.
She is your mom, like your dad has said, but… Where is it written that children must tolerate abusive speech from a parent, mentally ill or not? She is your mother and will always be your mother, but that doesn’t change the facts as they are.
She’s completely out of line with her attitude and behavior towards you, your brother and your sister-in-law. Losing your temper and yelling at your mom is understandable under the circumstances. Who could possibly put up with so much nonsense from one person for so long without losing their cool? Don’t beat yourself up about it – you will surely have an opportunity where (if you so choose) you can apologize for your outburst. She owes all of you a HUGE apology.
Here is what I would suggest that you do, and you can pass this along to your brother and sister-in-law as well, since it really applies to all of you.
1. Each and every time your mother so much as hints as though she’s about to go on a tirade about anyone in the family (or others), kindly but firmly interrupt her and let her know that you will not listen to negative things said about any of you or others.
2. If/when she ignores you and persists in talking negatively about someone, kindly remind her what you had just said. If you are on the phone with her and she’s talking that way, tell her you don’t want to hear such things, that when she’s ready to speak kind and respectfully that she may call back, and that you’re hanging up now. Then say goodbye and hang up. If she calls right back (assuming you have caller id), don’t answer the phone – disconnect or turn off the voicemail so you don’t have to deal with that. If you are at her home, say the above and tell her you have to go now, then leave immediately without saying another word. No if, and’s or but’s. Just turn around and leave – no matter what she says.
3. Every time each of you immediately follows through by disengaging from the negative behavior, it teaches her how you will and won’t be treated by her. You don’t have to be at her beck-and-call as far as her ability to leave nasty voicemails, where she tears you and your family apart verbally.
She’s mentally and emotionally abusing all of you, and even though she’s mentally ill, all of you must set clear and distinct boundaries for your mother of what is and isn’t alright for her to do or say to any of you.
If possible, have a talk with your dad and explain how the situations will be treated from now on, so he’ll know and understand when each of you hangs up or leaves the house unexpectedly. (I can only assume your father is still alive based on your comment).
I don’t know the laws about “forcing” an elderly parent to get help for mental illness, assuming she qualifies as an “elderly parent”. That may be something to discuss with a family law attorney, to see what type of help is available for your mother.
If her mental illness is as severe as it seems, it makes perfect sense to me that she’s not allowed to babysit grandchildren. Gosh, what a mess that could create.
Set clear limits and boundaries with your mother, and prove to her you mean business by hanging up or leaving when she becomes abusive. No more “turning the other cheek” jazz. You don’t wear a bulls eye on the back of your shirt.
Lin,
Thanks for your quick reply. You’ve said pretty much everything I’ve thought since our ‘blow up’ happened. My brother & family and myself are already ‘screening’ our calls via caller i.d. In my last conversation w/my Mom I did try to tell her I wasn’t going to discuss it but my fault was feeding into her pushing my buttons. I realize that now.
I failed to mention that my Dad passed away in ’05. I apologize for that. They divorced in ’98 (I think) and even after divorcing, he would tell us he understood but to remember this was our mother. I think maybe he told us this as he himself didn’t quite know how to deal with her.
My brother and I were discussing today about when or if we’d be talking to her again. He said we’d have to set some distinct boundaries with her and I agreed. The hard part of all of this is when Mom is ‘called out’ on her part in a conflict she tends to shut down and get defensive. She’s rather passive-aggressive.
As for her being elderly, well I wouldn’t consider her elderly. She’ll only be 59 on her birthday. But I have strongly considered contacting her mental health dr. regarding her changes of behavior. I don’t know if that’d be a good thing or not.
But after her last suicide attempt, we discovered via her dr that according to her records she had minimalized a lot of things. I have a feeling she still does this, but I am not sure. In our state, the only way we can force her to be hospitalized is if she’s a threat to herself or others. Believe me, I’ve checked there already.
It’s a difficult place to be. My brother nor I want to go through these cycles any more and we’re finally doing something about it. We both feel at peace about it. The only concern is her history of hospitalizations/attempts. It will fall to us to step up to ‘take care of things’ if that happens as there is no one else to do so. But I’m not crossing that bridge as we’re not there.
But at any rate, do you know of any good literature my brother and I could read to learn more about this and maybe help us work through our side of it? Again, thanks so much for your reply, your feedback and this thread. It’s a breath of fresh air for anyone dealing with it.
Vicky, I’m sorry about losing your dad.
I’m certainly not a mental health specialist or therapist by any stretch, but what you’ve said about your mom being “passive aggressive”, suicide attempts and hospitalizations, plus the verbal abuse… makes me wonder if maybe she’s Bi-Polar or Manic Depressive and doesn’t know it? Has she ever been tested for either or both?
What you describe as your mother’s attitude and behaviors are some of the symptoms of people with Bi-Polar Disorder (BPD) and/or Manic Depression, both of which offers medications to help deal with the problems. ? Just a thought.
As far as literature or books are concerned, I’m linking you to Amazon’s list of mentally ill parent
books for you to check out for yourself, as I’m not an authority on the mentally ill. I also recommend that you read Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
because I’ve received many emails from visitors and subscribed readers who have said this book is excellent and really helped them deal with the problems. It would probably be really good for your brother and sister-in-law to read up on these things too, because the problems are clear and so are the emotions and feelings associated with what you’re all going through. Hang in there!
Hi, Vicky!
If this has been going on for many years as it was with my mother, sometime during her life she showed symptoms of bi-polar disease and may have suffered some sort of trauma early on. If this is somewhat recent, do you think it may have something to do with hormones? That may sound weird, but I have heard stories about women who actually had a breakdown due to the fluctuation of hormones and became worse as they got closer to menopause. Lin certainly knows more about this than I do, but it was just a thought. In my mother’s case, it may have started in her childhood and became worse when my father left her with the 3 of us & no help. It came to a head when my little brother committed suicide when he was 26. From then on, it was almost impossible to deal with it. I hope your mother will , at some point, be able to get some help so your family can heal. (My mother didn’t and was bitter to the end.) God bless you and our prayers are with you.
I am going through a severe depression – somehow I ran into this site and feel I need to share what is going on in my life. I feel like a doormat to everyone. My ex left me and our 5 year old son 9 years ago. He is an alcoholic, a control freak, verbally abusive, self-centered and just plain mean. He has since remarried (4th time) and has moved on with his life but continues to be verbally abusive towards me. I come from a family where my dad left my mother and I when I was a baby and then she gave me to my grandmother when I was 5 years old. My grandmother abandoned me when I was 15 and I ended up living with an aunt and married when I was 17 and was a young mother. I want very much to be loved and special and it seems I always reach out to people that mistreat me (in my family). I have cousins that ignore me – don’t include me in their lives and two of them are very sarsastic towards me and when we’re together remind me of any mistakes I’ve made in my life (I’ve never done that to them). It’s obvious they do it on purpose to hurt me. My mother is not motherly and we rarely speak to each other. I tried to talk to her about making our relationship better but she has no interest in doing so. My younger son is now 15 years old and I am struggling with severe depression and saddness. It affects my physical health, my self-esteem and have a very difficult time working because I have such a difficult time staying focused and want to stay in bed. At this time, I do not hve one person in my life that I feel cares about me except my younger son. Being 55, it’s difficult to meet men to date and I’m terrified all men are like my ex. I’m on an antidrpressent and it seems to be working a tiny bit but not enough for me to feel “normal” and move on with my life. I feel overwhelmed with responsibility, have financial problems and have lost interest in all things I used to love. I have no energy to do the things I need to do. There are days when I feel sure I want to just have God take me but I’m afraid of death. I feel very isolated. The only parent I had was my grandmother and she passed away 18 years ago. She loved me very much and even though I didn’t bother her with my problems, just knowing she loved me was very comforting. I try to have relationships with relatives, etc. but it seems every time I ask someone to go out to a movie or just get together – they have excuses. I have one cousin that lives less than 10 minutes from me and she never wants to do anything with me. She lives alone and don’t understand why she doesn’t want to do things together. I try very hard to be close to her but she keeps her distance. I’m a very friendly person and after being a single mom for 10 years – I need a life – I’m so lonely. Do you think I gravitate towards people that are not “available” because of my background of having been abandoned by so many people? I don’t know where to find people that are nice, friendly and want to establish a relationship. I am lonely to the point that it deeply hurts me. It feels to me that everyone has someone except me. There are days when I feel like a zombie and just stay in bed. Please help me. Thanks
Hi Lolly, I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time. It definitely sounds like you’re experiencing severe depression, and my heart goes out to you.
When you have talked with your family members about building the relationship to a better one, what reasons (if any) do they give for not wanting to? Do they perhaps think of you as being toxic, where they’re distancing themselves from you for some reason? Have you asked them directly why they don’t appear to want to have a relationship with you? Do they perceive you as always being negative whenever they’re around you? Could your feeling of being lonely be causing friends and family to back off even more? I don’t know, but just thought I’d ask.
I’m also wondering if maybe your anti-depressants aren’t strong enough for you? I’m thinking that maybe you should tell your doctor that the med’s you are taking now aren’t helping very much, and maybe the doctor needs to have you try out a different one? Have you been seeing a counselor too? Counseling can help a lot of people dealing with depression, so that might be something to consider too.
Some of the things you’ve said here, about not wanting to get out of bed and wishing that God would take you etc, really comes across as possibly being suicidal? I sure hope not! You want the pain you’re feeling to go away, that’s for sure, but even considering taking your own life is not the way to deal with your troubles. You NEED to call your doctor right away……… and tell your doctor about what you’re feeling. Please call your doctor right now!
I don’t know why your family is being this way and not spending time with you, and I can only think that sitting them down and pouring out your heart to them about how you’ve been feeling may or may not help. I wonder if telling your family how you feel when they exclude you and ignore you, and asking them specifically WHY they’re doing it, may be a way of beginning discussions to clear up any existing problems. I would hate to think that your family is purposely pushing you away, but maybe they have toxic personalities – I really don’t know, but if they do…. you’re much better off not being around them, especially if they always bring you down and make you feel bad about yourself.
You need to being surrounding yourself with kind and loving people, people who will treat you with respect and dignity. Could you check your local area for social clubs or activity clubs that would be of interest to you? Like, if you enjoy knitting, is there a knitting club at a local recreation center that you could join and get to know people? If you attend a church, are there any groups within the church that would interest you and where you could be around caring people?
If you would like to discuss this further, please use my “contact me” link at the top of the site and we’ll chat more privately. Please call your doctor first and talk to him/her about your feelings and if your medication might need adjusting. Please.
It took 50 years to realize my parents were toxic. I knew they were abusive of each other and the children growing up, but it wasn’t until they became sick and elderly that they reached their peak of toxicity! They continued their marital eternal fights, involving the entire family dragging even the grandchildren to take sides. Using their infermities to draw pitty, it led to a huge family feud as mom wanted to separate from dad and give her son all the money, stealing the house from dad and dad wanted to live with me and get his share. We were dragged into a legal battle we didn’t want to be in, because if I let brother win and keep mom and all the money I was stuck caring for elder dad! It was the most toxic and stomach turning lawsuit, son against father, that anyone could see. I got caught in the middle of this turmoil, like some gets hit by a hurricane, and it took literally thousands of dollars in lawyers, to get dad actually reconciled with his son at least and set up an agreement with both men (dad 82 and brother 50) simply to get rid of him and related headaches. Dad was too toxic to even describe, it would take page and pages. So at least, he had a place and his money!
He has been gone for a year, and made friends with his son again. What a mess. My mom is still the seemingly innocent poor grandma, and the biggest manipulator alive. What a liar and a user, to get her way. My brother may be getting their house, but he will lose his sanity very soon and they will need to put him in a padded cell as these two parents age even more, their toxicity will just get worse. I got nothing but legal bills and thank God that I don’t have my parents or the house! Talk about toxicity. I lived it for years. I feel emancipated. Brother got the estate and the toxic parents, and I got peace!
This article is right, particularly the definition of toxic. But, beware that sometimes it is impossible to distance yourself from these toxics.
I wish I would have read this years ago. I have been married for 19 years together for 23. Looking back I should have left the relationship before we married but I love my husband. His family caused problems from almost the beginning. He has 6 sisters, he’s the only boy and are from a farming family. They are very competitive and jealous of one another and it’s who has the better paying job, the bigger house the better clothes, cars, etc…. His dad was a sloppy, sarcastic alcoholic who never took responsibility for his actions and everyone was expected to look the other way. The girls could do no wrong and were treated like princesses while my husband was blamed for everything.My husband is a great guy and would give you the shirt off his back. If his mom didn’t like something I said or didn’t agree with her she would tell her girls and the next time I saw them, snotty remarks were made toward me. If we went to see my family instead of being with them we were dirt. Even though he saw his folks everyday on the farm. Eventually I had to set some boundaries and keep my distance. I became dirt and the reason they felt the family was falling apart.I say I because my husband was spineless and very defensive, wouldn’t say anything to them in fear of being attacked (verbally)even though he knew what they had done or said. It was normal for his family and he’s say I was too sensitive. Well eventually I sought counseling and had to go on anti-depressants. One sister in particular is a trouble maker and another says there isn’t anyone in the family she hasn’t caused trouble with. The others stand by her and say that’s the way she is. He used to attend family gatherings with the kids when they were young without me. Thank God I work 2nd shift and everyother weekend. Eventually my daughter began to see and experience the same behaviors, and she quit going except for holidays. Family gatherings are chaos to say the least. Women congregate in the kitchen, to gossip, compete and brag. I am treated like the plague. They say hello but that is the extent of it. The rest of the time I usually sit and listen to this absolute nonsense conversations ( if you can call it that with everyone trying to overtalk each other. They plan get togethers and at the last minute call my husband to let him know. Usually The day before. Or it’s a last minute idea and we’re expected to be there. plans or no plans and then we’re called inflexible. My problem now is… I feel left out. My family is scattered around, I don’t get to see them often, I have few friends who have their own families. I lost my mother unexpectedly almost 3 years ago, my daughter just moved to college and I am feeling very lonely. Perhaps it’s the holiday season approaching, but I am feeling so blue. My daughter asked what we were doing for Thanksgiving and said just the 4 of us? I am a fun person. But I have let this incredible situation define me and I Don’t know how not to let it. Any help and/or suggestions would be appreciated.
Sharon, it’s time to start making new holiday traditions and plans that don’t include people that bring you down. Holidays are meant to be fun, but if that is not the case when the hubby’s family is included, then don’t include them. At all. Let them say and feel whatever they want – let them gossip, moan and groan about you – they would anyway. If holidays are a dread because of toxic family, change the way you celebrate the holidays and bring back the fun and excitement.
Family is family even if there are only 4 people attending a holiday gathering, and you can decide ways to make it fun and entertaining and stress free. Love, laughter, joy etc during the holidays (and in between) is what matters most – not the number of people there. Keep the conversation light and happy, enjoy good food and talk about fun times where you remember and reminisce (sp?)about things that make everyone laugh and have a good time. Plan some fun games to play that bring about laughter. Pictionary comes to mind.
When his family calls at the last minute with an expectation that your family drop everything at their beck-and-call, tell them that you already have plans and won’t be able to attend. If your hubby decides to go, so be it, but there is nothing that requires you to go and put up with their noxious behaviors.
If you want, you or your hubby can let them know that you both prefer to make plans in advance rather than just “flying by the seat of your pants” and doing things last minute. Otherwise, don’t give them an explanation at all, they aren’t owed one.
When was the last time you went out of town for the holidays? When was the last time you made plans ahead of time to enjoy Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Years with your family out of town? When was the last time you took a vacation and went to visit your family?
Remember, holidays are meant to be with family and loved ones, and that includes your family who have children and in-laws of their own. Where is it written that you must spend the holidays with his family, rather than your own? Change things up Sharon – it’s about time. Take your power back.
If you can’t afford to go out of town for any of the upcoming holidays, there is absolutely nothing wrong with at least asking your friends if they have made plans for Thanksgiving yet and how they would feel about making it a larger group with you, your daughter, hubby etc? Perhaps one or more of your friends may say they haven’t got plans either!, and you might offer to host Thanksgiving lunch or dinner at your place and have them all bring something. You can have a blast! You won’t know until you ask, and you just might discover that they’re thrilled you brought it up! Maybe things on their side of the family aren’t too peachy either and they’re looking for ways to celebrate without crazy family involved too.
Hi, Sharon. I’m sorry you can’t have the nice holidays everyone likes to share with family.
In my case, I was blessed to have had a wonderful family (my ex’s) for the time he and I were married. His family was great and we visited with them often. After our divorce, my present husband and I visited his aunt & uncle every summer until they were gone. I kept in touch with my ex’s parents until they were gone, also.
Unfortunately, my own family was not close because of our mother’s problems and attitude about us. We were not visiting much even though my brothers & I tried. It was sad for all of us. Now, only my one brother & I are left. We won’t let what time we have left be like it was when our parents were alive.
I wish you had good memories, but you can start to have good memories and traditions, like Lin said, with your husband, kids, and friends. Extended family can be just what we need when we don’t have our own family nearby. Maybe you can get a low rate to fly to see your family, or maybe they can visit you. Good luck and keep thinking about all the blessings you DO have.
Hi Betty,
Thanks for dropping in and giving Sharon some encouragement. P.S. I edited your comment to remove the “yahoo” url. When commenting, it’s not necessary to put anything there; it’s really meant for people who have websites or blogs to put their site address there.
Thank you for your comments and understanding. It’s just so bizarre,the whole thing. Respect in their family is a foreign word. It just really upsets me at this time of year. And you are both right, it is time to start new traditions and be happy about it. Thanks again.
wow! As I read all of the many stories on this page..I just couldn’t believe how many of these same experiences I’ve had throughout my life in dealing with my toxic sister. I’ve read many books on toxic people,but I just in August came to the conclusion that the only way to deal with her was to unplug & detatch. And so I did. However,now just today actually,my dad came over because he just found out from my sister that I don’t want her around me or my daughter anymore. He told me “get a grip!” you’re ruining our family!” I know my dad has been sheltered from much of the heinous and hateful crap she’s done to me because I always end up looking “crazy” or the one who’s to blame because I get so emotional in trying to explain the severity of her hate for me. I need some advice in how to handle my parents comments as we live in a very small community and my parents have been finacially helping me with my daughter since I’m a single mom and struggling to make ends meet. Iam so thankful and grateful for their financial support- but they aren’t emotionally supportive and have always encouraged me to not make waves and sweep everything under the rug..and honestly I’m 35yrs old and tired of allowing my sister’s toxic treatment affect me! However, even though I’ve unplugged from her in Aug. she’s constantly spreading horrible untrue rumors about me to my parents, family friends,people around town,etc. things you wouldn’t even make up about an enemy ..these are highly damaging falsehoods. I’m trying to tell myself not to care becAUse people who know me wont believe her but I feel helpless…like she’s still got the upperhand on ruining my life ..just now she makes up things now that she’s not in my life. Any suggestions that may be useful for me? Thank you all for sharing your stories, I don’t feel so alone.
Hi Lola,
Dealing with a sister who is toxic is hard enough, but then to have to defend yourself with your parents on top of that must be very frustrating. From what you’re saying, it appears as though your sister is making sure your parents are NOT being sheltered and protected from the gossip and perhaps even “slander”. The problem is, it’s all from her point of view and her perspective. Which of course tends to cause your parents to react the way they do. Your sister is running to your parents and telling them this or that about you, how you don’t want her around you and your daughter, and with no clear (emotionless) explanation from you, they don’t know what to think. All they want, what any parent would want, is for everyone in the family to get along great and everyone treat each other kindly and with respect etc. Sometimes that just isn’t possible, especially when a toxic person is running around spreading gossip and lies about one or more people in the family.
When you say you get emotional when trying to explain some things to your father, I assume that means you start to cry or perhaps even raise your voice or yell in your own defense when talking to your parents. You have to learn to control your emotions, don’t cry etc, when your father or parents together come looking for an explanation. I know it’s hard, but if you think about it, guys in particular don’t handle emotional situations very well (especially crying women) – except with anger.
I would first suggest that you get yourself in a position of not receiving financial help from your parents. You are 35 years old, with a child of your own. Find ways to cut back on your expenses, eliminate needless spending or buying things that are not really needed, and take full responsibility for your own finances and live within your own means. I get the feeling that since your parents have been helping you financially that you feel a sense of obligation to do things their way. Eliminate the “need” of their help financially, and the stress you feel will be greatly reduced.
You may feel that you need to plead your case with your parents, or at least your father. If so, then perhaps making a list of some of the things your sister has been saying/doing that have severely affected the relationship between you two might help. Only list absolute FACTS, things you are 100% sure of and things you can actually prove. Leave out things that are more “trivial” in nature or things you assume are happening, but list the most serious and most heinous things that attack your character, as in “character assassination”. Then, you can either talk to your parents fully prepared with FACTS about how your sister has been spreading malicious lies and slander about you to others, and that those things have gotten back to you (explain how) and that as an adult you have made the personal decision not to allow her toxic attitude and negative behaviors to affect you and your child anymore. Or, you can write your parents a letter explaining the above with facts, without any emotion at all. Just clear and defined explanation of the actual facts of what has been done, without any exclamation points thrown in for extra emphasis etc – that shows anger and emotion. Just be precise. At the end, explain that you know they may not be able to understand why you feel you must take drastic action to distance yourself from your sister, but you’ve not wanted to involve them in these things and didn’t want to appear as being the gossip yourself. Slander, if that is occurring, is a very serious matter and in some states (I’m not sure which ones), people involved in slandering other people’s reputation and character can be arrested and charged with a crime. The best thing you can do right away is get yourself in a position of taking care of your own financial matters 100%, even if it means going without some things that aren’t a real need.
Here’s what toxic person wants if they don’t like you: your reactions. So be silent, close the emotional door, and forget them. They will over time (short or unfortunately very long periods of time) try to get your attention. I’ve heard of this same scenario over and over again, and it’s unfortunate. But it goes like this: First they gossip to others and attempt character assassination, second they go silent and ignore you, third they try to connect with you in little ways, fourth they make small apologies mixed with excuses, fifth they own up with greater apologies, and sixth they truly feel sorry…that they can’t manipulate you. Get it? They never feel sorry for their behavior, it’s that they are all that time trying to manipulate you. So: Be silent, wait for the apology (could be years), then manage them as you would a dangerous child and continue to keep a healthy distance. Good luck. Adam
Hello Adam. That is most likely the best and most direct response to any form of toxicity I have seen.
Adam, you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for your insight. My brother has destroyed his relationship with me and for a few bad years had my extended family thinking that I was the mean one. It went on and on till I thought I was crazy. Thankfully, I began to realize that I was not the problem. If anything, I spent years championing my brother with emotional and financial support. He is entirely ungrateful and it took him trying to obnoxiously manipulate attention away from my sick daughter to open my eyes. My parents spoiled and enabled him. He now is acting passive again, but has turned his new wife thoroughly against us (so he can probably use that against her when it suits him – it certainly keeps us from being able to help her if he decides she is no longer worthy – he has effectively made sure that we would not have a relationship with her while trying to make it look like that is our fault). My husband and my sister are very leery of him now, but my dad and another brother are still wavering. Toxic people can be charming and appear empathetic, but they are poison to deal with! I’m sad to not have a good relationship with my brother, but in truth, it really was never good since I was basically the only one ever giving and he was always taking.
Hello,
I love that people talk about this stuff because it can be so consuming and frustrating at times. Anyway, I am engaged to the most perfect guy I have ever met (Jeff); however, his two older siblings (Joanne and Jack) don’t get along with their parents or Jeff.; supposedly it’s because Jeff has almost always sided with his parents and they don’t like that. They have made it very clear they don’t want any communication. It has been over a year and a half since they have spoken and during that time Jack got married and sent a certified letter to his parents and my fiancé saying they are not invited. Jeff immediately respected it but Jeff’s parents after a ton of people telling them to respect Jack’s wishes drove to the wedding and thankfully turned around and went back home before they got there. They do however still call and leave messages and emails which have never been responded to. Here’s where I need help. I love Jeff and want to marry him; everything is perfect with us; however, I have a problem letting Jeff’s parents continually tell me how they are going to approach them and go to their house even when it is clearly known their kids want nothing to do with them. When Jeff’s parents start to talk like that I get really frustrated because they won’t get it through their head and then they cry and holidays are ruined. I don’t know how to separate myself. Please help me. I don’t want to be rude but I can’t stand it. Jeff’s parents are draining!
Hi Jenny,
Wow, wow, wow. Is your fiance’ around at the time his parents start talking about going over to their house, or is this when you are with the parents alone? I’m assuming that it most likely happens when the two of you are together. What does Jeff say about it? Does he just ignore it, tune it out and/or try to change the subject? Anything? Since these are his parents, it’s really important to try to come to an understanding about this between you and Jeff, so that HE can talk to his folks and kindly explain that as much as you both understand and respect how they feel about the separation from their other kids – BOTH of you would appreciate it if they would leave you and him out of the discussions. If you have explained to Jeff how you feel when this happens and Jeff understands/agrees that it’s stressful and upsetting – then Jeff needs to step up and talk to his parents about this. He can explain to his parents that as much as he realizes the pain they are going through with this situation, there isn’t anything you/Jeff can do about it to remedy the problems, and that the continuous discussions about it with you is placing undue burden on both of you. Jeff needs to respectfully ask his parents in a very kind, respectful and understanding manner (considering the fact this situation must truly break their hearts) to please resist talking about this with you two, and perhaps consider speaking to a minister or counselor if they feel they need someone to talk to/vent to etc. If his parents keep doing it, after Jeff has explicitly explained it to them, then you and Jeff may need to decide together as a couple to set some boundaries on how often you will or won’t get together with his folks – until you find the situation has improved to what is comfortable for both of you. It’s for your own health, the health of your upcoming marriage etc that you and Jeff need to take necessary steps to put a stop to this, while at the same time understanding that these folks feel like they’re hearts are being ripped apart. Good luck!
Hello,
This subject on toxic relationships really hit me where I live. I have been dealing with my mom and my sisters and their toxic behaviers for over 30+ years. I thought for years that I was loosing my mind and I even found a website an hour a go for anxiety and stress management to seek help. I grew up in a home that was totally disfuctional. My mother was an alcoholic for all of my childhood and most of my adulthood, the only stability I had was weekend visits with my grandparents as well as summer vacations. When I finally became strong enough to leave home my mother would follow me and sometimes my sisters too. My relationship with my family was so toxic and they were so manipulating, years later I took my two sons and moved miles away. Much to my surprise my mom and one of my sisters followed me and they eventually left and moved back to our hometown because of lack of finances. Oh, I failed to mention that my mom eventually stopped drinking and starting going to church which didn’t change alot, she just got older with the same toxic behavior which she has kept hidden until she decided to move in with me two months ago. I realized that I was living with the same manipulative, controlling, and rebellious person and the only thing missing was the alcohol. She receives a call everyday from one of my sisters and they discuss other peoples faults and mistakes. When I sat down and talked to my mother about how she would waste most of her day talking with my sister and gossiping about other people she got upset with me and told me that she loved my sister and that she was not going to stop talking to her and she hasn’t. They talk almost everyday still gossiping about others and maybe me also while I am at work or at home. I have a great job and I am in college for Business Management. My mom will approach me while I am studying and put papers in my face to read. She will talk on the phone to my sister (same sister) standing over me gossiping while I am on my computer looking up important information. She will then tell my sister that I am quiet, like that would seem real odd to her. Is this relationship toxic or what? I know for a fact that the sister that she talks to often, is not going to let her live with her. She has made that clear and the other two won’t either. I am at my wits end with my mother and she thinks that she is right and others are wrong. She doesn’t work, receives social security and maybe only worked hard 10 years out of her whole life of 71 years, but I think it is time for her to move into her own place. She distracts me with things that are not important just so she can get my attention. I am so glad I read about the comments on toxic relationships because I need to get free once and for all. I don’t want to abandon my mother but I need some peace and stability in my life seeing that I am 48 years old and I have been dealing with this most of my life. I am stressed out with her living with me and I believe she’s only doing it because I have a new car and a good job and am moving into a new home. I also have a nephew that wants to hang at my house all the time and refuses to leave unless I get upset and put him out. My nephew waits until I am not at home and my mother lets him into my house and he stays until he thinks I’m coming home then he leaves. He is the son of one of my other sisters and he has taken on this same attitude as my mother and sisters. I have cut them off before and I know that it will happen again. I have to take responsibility for my own well being and show my family that I really mean business and I will not put up with them any longer.
Hi Lisa,
Dealing with toxic parents is very hard on children, especially when you consider the various ways toxicity shows itself within relationships. Since your mother is in her elderly years, she certainly needs care and attention from everyone in the family, but at the same time there needs to be boundaries in order to reduce stress. Is there perhaps a senior living/independent living apartment complex specifically made for the elderly in your area at all where she can live? She certainly wants and needs attention just like any of us would want and need in our own elderly years, but there are limits to what can continue putting up with. I wrote an article about taking care of aging parents as a family awhile back, and hopefully there is some points there that can be gleaned to help spread the responsibility of taking care of your mother so it’s not primarily/only on your shoulders. I would also suggest looking into government programs that may be of assistance in providing monies to help take care of her financially, if her own income is very limited, such as social security etc.
I am having a hard time with a few toxic sister-in-laws of mine. They are sisters that married my husbands 2 brothers. I feel like I have been targeted by them since they joined the family. We live with my mother and father-in-law and they have everyone over for dinner on Sundays, and I literally have panic attacks just thinking about having them over. they have never been very good about disciplining their children and it has somehow caused me to feel like I have to over disciplining mine just to prove a point, though I am not sure any point has been made. My children are no better for being punished for things they don’t do wrong. I don’t want to look like the bad guy, but I fear other family members won’t understand how much damage they do to me and my family and why it would be better to not associate with them more then we need to. We are moving out soon and we honestly don’t care at this point if we never see any of them again. I don’t know how to tell them that feelings have been hurt without sounding like a little baby who needs to just get over it or if it is best to just keep our distance and not say anything. Obviously there is more detail to it, but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
Elizabeth,
I’m glad to hear you are moving out soon. Those situation don’t usually work out very well, so having a place of your own will do a lot to reduce if not eliminate much of the stress you’ve been experiencing.
Since you all live with your mother-in-law and father-in-law and the home is theirs and not yours, you really don’t have much say in the matter of how those unruly kids are or aren’t disciplined. You can only make sure you and your husband are raising your children right and with good manners etc. Of course, the sooner you move out the better.
I personally don’t see the benefit of telling anyone that feelings have been hurt etc, because for the most part everyone will just blow off what you’re saying as being whining. Before you move out, you could always OPT to “have other plans” on Sunday’s which would allow you and your family to do something else away from the chaos and return a couple hours later when everyone has left. It’s just an idea of course, but the sooner you move out the better. Once you’ve moved out, you can then decide what will or won’t go on in your own home.
my daughter-in-lwa tries to control my days, who i see, when i can babysit my other grandkids, who i can be friends with everything about my life, i let it drag me down lower than low, now that i have detatched myself from her she is calling wanting me to have something to do with her, she had forbade me to ever see my beautiful grandkids again to try to use them as her power over me so i completely stopped letting her use them by cutting her off completely, it strained my relationship with my son but i couldn’t do anything else. now she is wanting to try to get back in there but i just assume not. i have informed her that we can keep the peace but that is as far as i want as a relationship. i would like to see my grandkids but they are the parents and it is their choice. i don’t want to hurt my babies so if i can’t see them now i will when they are older. she says she will allow me to see them but i iknow from past experience that she will forbid me again and that is just repeated pain for them and me, what do you think i should do. i want to see them with every part of my being but at what expense, i mean how much damage is this going to do to them in the long run.
I have thought of this for the past few days and I believe I am suffering from a toxic relationship. It is underlined…this person seems to live a perfect life but always manages to make others feel not good about themselves. I don’t have to deal with this on an on-going basis because she lives in another state…but when she comes to visit she leaves some of us feeling terrible. She does it in a way that it is not direct hit but more indirect…somehow it is almost as though we are making it up. She is a beautiful woman but she will seek our men and make it seem as though she is just tryig to be friendly but she is sending signals to them. Being men they don’t seem to see this. I have experienced this for a life time as she is part of my family and I am tired of dealing with it. There are enough negative things on this Earth that I do not want to deal with this anymore. Just recently she has done this to me…and it is not the first time. I have decided to give up my relationship because the man fed into her approach and I felt very betrayed. She has left again but the broken shattered relationship remains here. For her she just did what she normally does…just proved to herself yes she is beautiful and she can get any man she wants. It does not matter to her that she has caused much stress and much heartbreak. I really don’t want a relationship with a man that will flirt openingly infront of me. I also don’t want to feel as though I am dirt and my heart does not mean anything. I realize I need to not allow myself to get into this type of thing with her again. I really don’t know how to deal with this but it will come to me. It has been helpful for me to tell my story here. I am very upset but I will be ok. This was an eight year relationship and she has given signals to my partner before but I did not pay attention but this time I had enough.
Wow, this is some deep stuff. As I’m searching the web for some help in my situation and looking for some therapy thinking I’m the problem. At last, an answer to my situation. I’ve endured years of abuse because of a toxic mother and it’s so difficult to cut the relationship off totally because she’s my mother. My mother has bullied me all my life. She has forced my family and I into situations that almost broke us apart. Do you have any books that you recommend or website on how to deal with a toxic mother. I don’t want to lose my husband and I don’t want my children to have to go through what I went through and still going through.
Hi Sandra,
Yes, there is an excellent book for people dealing with a toxic parent – whether it be a mother or a father. Here’s a link to Amazon about the book called Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life that I’m positive will help you. Sometimes cutting off the relationship is all you can do for your own health and well-being, but even then…there are still things you can do to help take care of her in the elderly years etc – but from a distance. Hang in there!
Hi, Sandra!
Just wanted to tell you that you have come to the right place for help. Lin is wonderful, and we are all here to listen and let you know you are not alone. We can also share our experiences and perhaps give you some things you can try.
Many people are in the difficult predicament of having parents who are toxic people, but because we love our parents, we feel guilty about having negative feelings toward them.
My brothers & I have been there. It was a difficult & rocky road for all of us that ended in 2008 when our mother passed away. We have felt sadness, guilt, and feelings of low self-esteem. We loved our mother, but knew she was not well. We even tried to let what she said roll off our backs, but it usually ended with us not having contact with her for long periods of time. She succeeded in pushing away most of her family and it caused a lot of unnecessary pain for all. I do remember good times throughout our lives, but during our teen-age and adult years, she became more and more abusive.
I hope she finally has peace wherever she is. think she was a lost soul. I envy friends who have good relationships with their parents. It was the only thing missing in our lives, but it was so important.
When it gets too bad to deal with it, you can only do what we had to do and cut off contact (at least for awhile). Sometimes our mom was in a more up beat mood and we could have fairly good conversations. We just had to make sure we didn’t let her go off on a tangent and start being abusive. When it seemed like she would go that way, we would pretend we had an appointment in about fifteen minutes and say good bye. That made it much better because we didn’t give her time to stew and rant and rave.
She became reclusive when she lost her central vision which had to be scary for her. We each tried to get her to move in with us for many years so we could help her, but she would not hear of it. We even offered to move into a house with a separate apartment for her, but that was rejected, as well. She hated the State where we live so it was not an option. She hated her daughter-in-law so would not move in with my brother. A no-win situation. Too bad. She missed being with us and her grandchildren. They didn’t know her.
I felt guilty for so long, but lately I have been able to put that aside as something I didn’t create. If you can, you should do that, too. If you have done your best to have a relationship with her, don’t blame yourselves if it hasn’t worked. You can only pray for her as we do.
Take care and know you have a lot of support.
Betty
I’ve been in a toxic relationship for over 2 years, a very complex relationship over my childhood sweetheart. In order not to bore the reader, I will try to condense it all.
1.We have both been married to others for over 20 years.
2.I have recently signed divorce papers and my house is in contract for sale.
3.Childhood sweetheart lives in Chicago and I live in New York.
4.We have 2 children each, respectively. Mine are young adults, and hers are both in there last year of H.S.
5.Her husband has stage 3 metastacised colon cancer.
6.We have been planning for a life together as soon as her children go off to College in August,2010.
7.We have been seeing each other an average of every other week for a couple of days together.
8.Our spouses know about the entire situation.
9.We love each other very much. That’s undeniable.
10.WE QUARREL OFTEN REGARDING THE CURRENT SITUATION.
“M” and I have been on this rollercoaster since late October of 2008. All along, I have wanted her to get divorced during the same time frame as myself, however, she claims that she needs to finish the mission of her children graduating High School in Chicago, and has promised to begin a life of transition with me as early as this upcoming month, meaning, I would get an apartment for Us both here and she would spend most of the time with me here in N.Y., and fly to Chicago to be with her children until they graduate. (70/30)
The problem is that we argue most of the time by phone/ and texting due to a host of factors which are mostly related to Her- “still” living with her ill husband and My family having already left my home. This entire process has been agonizing, you see, all along, if it were up to me, she would have been my wife a lonnnnngggg time ago already. She has a way of letting our problems fester in the belief that they will go away by themselves or addressing them @ a later time, and I’M NOT USED TO THAT, not at all. W
Henry, please forgive me if I sound a tad judgmental here, but I’m having a bit of difficulty with this scenario.
You refer to this relationship as a Toxic Relationship. If it really is toxic, why are you putting yourself through such misery knowing how awful these relationships turn out for people? The last couple of words that you were trying to add to your comment/question that got lost, since you sent a second comment to clarify that, were Will we make it? If the relationship is toxic, do you really want this kind of relationship for yourself? Really?
2. Her husband is very very ill, and even if both spouses are aware of your relationship, do you really feel it is kind and loving for her to just leave her sick husband and take up residence with you right now?
What’s the rush? Really, what is the rush?
The arrangement you said that you two agreed to is that the two of you are planning a life together when her children graduate high school and go off to college, in August of 2010. That’s several months away.
Why are you pushing for her to move in with you NOW, as opposed to when she agreed to initially? I’m sorry, but this sounds rather pushy and if I may say so myself….rather controlling on your part.
Her husband is ill. She has two children she of course feels the motherly need to see off to college in August of 2010 – 8 months away from now, yet you are pushing her and apparently arguing with her because as you say…she is “still” living with her ill husband. I would HOPE SO! I can’t even imagine what her children would think or feel if their mother left their ill (dying?) father to rush off and be with you. She’s a married woman! Ill husband or not, she’s a married woman! With responsibilities to her husband and children!
Ask yourself, do you really really want a toxic relationship? Is it possible, and I mean simply possible, that you yourself may have some toxic tendencies – because you are wanting what you want and you want it NOW? Like I said, I’m sorry if I sound judgmental, but this is ridiculous. And very very sad all around.
You asked, Will you make it? I don’t know. It doesn’t sound good from the start, and things like this often don’t get better – they get worse. Much worse.
I really feel like my wife fits all 10 traits that are listed in this article, while I probably carry some of the same traits as well. I would love to get help or counseling, but I have no idea where to start. I feel like I’m already dead inside. What do I do?
JP,
You feel that your wife is toxic? Do you feel as though you are an abused husband by chance? Emotionally abused? Mentally? Physically perhaps? I’ve been hearing from a lot of men over the last few months who tell me their stories of being abused by their wives in various ways. I’ve discussed abused men and abused husbands here in a couple of posts on the “home” page. I’d like for you to take a few minutes and read those two articles about abused husbands and men in abusive relationships and lets see if you agree that IT is the issue you are facing.
I am in a very sad situation with my partner’s daughter and his EX and now it has extended to the brother-in-law and his wife. Very toxic people! The child has a mother who supports her lies, behavior, etc and when I have stood up and called them on it, they paint me as the horrible person. The Ex chose to leave the marriage, but not the family. The family is very close to the Ex and the child and now the brother-in-law and sister of my partner are telling me that I my behavior is immature and silly. I am the only one that has stood my ground with my partner’s child with her lying, manipulative behavior.
My partner is very supportive of me and the only way we can avoid the toxic behavior from the Ex, the child and now the brother-in-law and sister is to not associate with them at family functions.
What is going to become of this 16 year old girl when she leaves her Mother’s protective web and ventures out into the world? How do we STOP the lies and manipulation from spreading?
Hi Lorianne,
My question to you is, what is your partner doing about it? What is he doing to help stop the lies and manipulations from spreading? What is he doing to make his own family understand the situation as it really is, including outwardly and verbally showing his support for you?
Truthfully, there is only so much that you personally can do, because the child is his and you aren’t the girl’s mother or step-mother. The ball is really in your partner’s court, and it’s up to him to take the bull by the horns so to speak and confront the situation/his daughter and deal with it head on. Perhaps getting a therapist or counselor involved with family therapy, a school counselor is an option, can help weed through the muck, lies and manipulations and help cause the girl to tell the truth.
Whether or not counseling will put a stop to the lies or not all depends on how deep the therapy can do in trying to get the daughter to fess up and realize the damage she’s doing. Getting to the bottom WHY the lies are happening, what is going on in her mind and heart to cause her to do these things, should be put high on the priority list.
My partner had confronted the family members who are behaving negatively and they all are ignoring him. They have chosen to align with his Ex-wife. When the child is called on her behavior, she says what the person wants to hear and then immediately does the opposite.
She has had counseling, but obviously it has done nothing to improve her behavior or attitude. As long as she has the support from her Mother and other family members, she has free reign to do whatever she pleases toward her father and me.
She threatened me three years back that she would do whatever it took to break us up. Her father did not take her threat seriously, but I did.
I fear for this child’s future and my partner and I have made the decision to stay away from these toxic family members.
What happens to people like this that are toxic and manipulative. I tend to believe that the kid has a mental disorder to be so cruel and inconsiderate and to be able to influence her aunts and uncle? Mmmm.
Lorianne,
I did some quick searches online for information about pathological lying, pathological liars, narcississm, pathological narcississm, personality disorders + lying, habitual lying and a couple more search terms I can’t think of right now. Some of the search results I got were forums where teenagers (or adults talking about when they were teenagers) who admitted to being a pathological liar or habitual liar. Each of them said the only thing that “cured” them of lying, was having a tough-as-nails counselor who “don’t take no sh*t” and who could see right through the nonsense, plus family counseling/involvement with family members separately (to get the full scoop on the problems) and also family counseling together.
Also, some of the people talking in forums/message boards about lying teenagers (regardless of whether they had been tested or diagnosed as having a personality disorder or not) said the teens had very very low self esteem and that getting them involved with things that will make them feel better about themselves INSIDE their own hearts and minds helped improve (to an extent). I think a combination of a really tough counselor plus building the girls self esteem should be considered as possibilities. A tough, no nonsense counselor could arrange separate meetings with family members including you and hubby to get to the bottom of the problems, then probably with the other side of the family, and a really good take-no-prisoners type counselor could get to the bottom of it. Think about that, ok?
Thank you for this great info. We did take the teen to a no nonsense counselor and she could see the situation very clearly. When my hubby was married to her mother, they both went and the counselor saw right through the Mother’s BS and the Mom only went three times, cause she was called on her stuff.
Yes, the kid is very insecure and she is an ONLY child who has stated she does not like sharing. She has a step-father, but he is not allowed to discipline this child because Mom says so. The step-dad has two kids and whenever they come for the weekend, the teen leaves the home and the aunts and uncle take her in.
I know that the aunts and uncle will NOT attend counseling as they say there is nothing wrong with what they are doing.
The teen has an aunt that was like this in her teens and she suffered years of depression and rejection and finally at 50 is being honest with who she is, but of course is ALONE.
She has a Mother that supports her behavior and she lives full time with Mom. I know that if something happens to this teen..Mom will disown her in a heartbeat!
I love my husband, but I am NOT prepared to participate any longer in her or other family members manipulative behavior. My husband is afraid of losing his daughter completely.
Hello Lin and everyone,
I was grateful to have found this link. I’m going through a very difficult time. I’ll give some background 1st…
My sister and I have been like chalk and cheese all of our lives. I just turned 50 and she is 45. I was the loner/geek growing up and finally married when I was 40. She was always the pretty one always getting the boy. She would start hurting me at a very young age. I wound up getting chubby because food would comfort me. My sister would always say I’d never have a boyfriend.
While growing up, she was the difficult daughter…getting pregnant when she was 15. My parents had sent her away to a disaplinary school because she would stay out past midnight at 13! At the disaplinary school my parents paid over $10,000 a year for 2 years for, she met a young guy who got her pregnant at 15. She never married him. Our folks helped her raise that daughter. Her 1st marriage was to her high school teacher once she turned 18! There were also times she sold herself inbetween marriages to support herself…among other odd jobs. She developed “street smarts” and fine tuned her manipulation skills as the years passed. She has since been married 2 more times…the latest divorce was just 2 years ago. She married a millionare who had strip clubs in Las Vegas. That guy made up a pre nup so she had to be married to him for so long before she could get any $$$ if she wanted to divorce him. I will add that she had admitted to me and to our folks that ed him for $$$…Geesssh. She wound up having 2 daughters. Her 2nd was during her 2nd marriage. Both of her daughters are alcoholics…the oldest having 2 daughters of her own. would you believe her 1st child was at 15 too? And my sister’s mother (had her when she was 14!…and gave her up for adoption…so there are 4 generations that had their 1st child by 15!)…anyway…
I spent nearly 40 of those 50 years trying to be her sister. I would have to do backflips for her to even call me. I’d always feel hurt that she didn’t love me…didn’t care about me.
I’m here in Nebraska. When our step mom died while her and dad were visiting my husband and I, she flew out to visit us and to be supportive…or so I thought.
After all the arrangements were made for my mother’s ashes to be sent back down to Florida (where our folks retired), my sister flew down with dad. she said that she would help get dad settled back at his home for a few weeks. She also made herself EX of dad’s will “in case” anything happened to him, he would be taken care of. She explained it to me that since she had the $$$ with her current husband and free time, she could fly down on a whim and take care of him. At the time, it made sense to me. someone had to be there I thought.
Well, 2 years passed and she moved down to Florida within 15 miles of dad…right after her pre nup with her last husband expired. What did that tell me? She had a plan. Is it my imagination to believe her thoughts are pure to take care of dad….and not try to control his assests/$$$?
Well, again I’ll just mention that I spent 40 years trying to be close to her…and she would always be evasive, aloof, and I would catch her in lies. She was an artist at not having time for me. I would call her up at times hoping to get sympathy, compassion or empathy when i was going through a difficult time…it’s as if she was a stone.
Speeding up to the current time…
Our dad had just been admitted to the hospital at 87 for severe low sodium…and Altzheimer’s is just starting to set in too. I’m devastated! I’m also laid up with a broken leg and my husband and I don’t have the $$$ to fly down and see day til maybe Sept or October.
My sister called me to let me know dad was in the hospital about 5 days ago.
I need to inject a few other points…almost done…whew!
Back around April last year, dad would call me up and tell me that my sister was checking out his $$$ in his bank…the tellers at the bank would tell him!!! She was also trying to get him “committed” by going to his Dr.
Our dad was so upset. He didn’t even feel comfortable being in his own home
The last things I wast to say is about the few conversations my sister and I have had over the past several days. The 1st time she called me was to imform me about dad in the hospital and what happened. She added that she doesn’t want to be my sister and told me to stay away from her because I’m toxic to her!!!!!!!!!!!! I cried over the phone and asked her why she wasn’t even treating me like a human being. She said because all we do is disagree and argue everytime we talk and she can’t be bothered! Then she said in a sickening sweet voice…would you like me to keep you updated on dad’s condition? I said sure…what else was I supposed to say…I was in shock!
She then called me 2 days later. I had already had a bouquet of flowers sent for dad in the hospital.
Ok, another side track I must take so you can see the full picture…
Her current living situation is with her oldest daughter who is a 30 year old alcohalic. My sister is taking care of her 2 children…her grandchildren (5 & 8). The youngest had ADD and another mental disability…not exactly a healthy enviornment for bringing in an elderly father to take care of!
So during her 2nd call to me, she told me the update with dad and his losing more of his comprehension…and he is still very confused.
My sister was convincing me that she would stay with dad for the 1st 2 weeks at his house and then she would clear out a bedroom in her home for dad to stay. I knew that would be bad for dad, but I bit my lip and didn’t argue…afraid she would stop letting me know about dad.
I then sat for a few hours and worried myself sick about her plan…and my dad’s care. I called him at the hospital and I wanted to make sure he had his antenna’s up. I want him to be happy. I know he had made plans for himself to go to a Vetern’s nursing home “when” the time came, but I worried that my sister would try and botch that up if she was trying to take control of everything…especially after what she told me she was planning of doing when he got out of the hospital.
Well, you know what dad told me? Your sister is yanking your chain!! I was devastated. Although 1/2 of the conversation he was confused, he was aware of that!! He was still getting upset at the thought of what my sister might do, so the alarm went off with his blood pressure…which the nurse probably thought I was the terrible daughter for upsetting him…AGH!
The next day I called the church and talked with dad’s pastor. She told me that my sister had no intention fo bringing dad into her home.
So now, the church thinks I’m the nutty daughter and so do the folks in the hospital…and it’s my sister that is the manipulator!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I was becoming sick from all of this today…my sister making me out to be a fool, playing head games to push my buttons knowing I am an emotional person with a heart. So I left her a message on her answering machine today…”I called the hospital and the church and I’m thrilled to hear dad won’t be staying in your unhealthy enviornment in your home and will be going into a facility after the hospital”.
She called me back an hour later and I wouldn’t pick up the phone. I just can’t talk to her anymore. today I became so ill. Have mercy!
I spent almost my entire life trying to be her sister and I see her true colors for what they are now. I always believed that “someday I pray we’ll be close”. I’m now out of denial.
Please help me to understand my sister’s need to be so cruel…
I spent 40 years wasting my time…
As if that wasn’t enough, she had to tell me outright she doesn’t want to be my sister…and then tell me lies about dad to make me look bad in front of others…at the hospital and the church…as if I was the “loopy” emotional one who is trying to hurt dad…(crying).
The only thing that I have managed to look at to keep my sanity is realizing that not only can’t she keep a marriage/relationship, she doesn’t seem to do well with her daughters either…and certainly not with me? what kind of a life is that?
Can you also tell me how I can get out from under her spell of making me look bad in front of others? I don’t even realize it even happens til after the fact
Bless your hearts for reading my grief,
Susan
Susan,
Oh my Lord! Your sister sounds just plain evil, jealous and vicious to the core. In some ways, the way you describe her attitude and actions fit perfectly in how a sociopath tears people and families apart. I’m not saying she is or isn’t, it’s just very interesting how some people can fool others and manipulate people into believing their hideous lies. Why she does this to you? I can think of a few “personality disorders” that might fit the bill perfectly, but unfortunately, there really isn’t a “cure” for this. Other than removing yourself from any contact with her whatsoever, or at least on an extremely limited level.
Sue, there is no way possible for you to prevent or stop her from saying whatever she’s going to say about you to others. You know that. You have to get to a place within yourself, in your heart and mind, where what others think or say about you doesn’t break you into pieces. You can’t spend your life worrying and getting upset over the lies she tells others about you, and given the fact that she’s taking great pains to inflict injury on you, you would do well to create a quarry-like distance between you and her. “Let go” of her – she’s toxic to you and will only continue to hurt you. For as long as you allow her to. Don’t take her calls; block her number if you want; return (unopened) any cards or letters you may receive (“return to sender”; don’t open or read any emails from her; if your email provider allows you to “bounce” back emails from certain people you don’t to hear from…, then exercise your right to have any/all of her emails to be sent right back to her unopened. Have you heard of Incredimail? Look it up online. It’s a great tool that works well with existing email accounts/servers, where you can “bounce” unwanted emails right back to people (plus Incredimail has lots of other options as well..I love it), and it makes it appear as though your email address is no longer valid. hehehe
Another thing, given the situation with your dad, his age, health, etc and how awful your sister is. (To say she’s a Gold Digger would be an understatement). Please make sure that you personally know everything there is to know about what your dad wants/needs etc at each stage as he gets older and needs more care. Make sure you have everything in writing. Copies of completed/signed/notorized forms necessary to ensure your father gets the care HE wants and needs, even though you are not right next door. Make sure your sister doesn’t have a loophole to jump through and steal your dad’s “estate”, where you are left with nothing in the end. If your dad’s mental capacity is changing, make sure you have things in order now, before it gets to the point where you (or your sister) starts scrambling to get forms filled out. Here’s a post I did awhile back about this very thing – it’s amazing how many people aren’t aware of all the things that are needed in caring for an elderly parent, and wait too long and often too late. Don’t wait. Make sure your father’s wishes, wants and needs are legally protected. No loopholes. No unsigned forms your sister can make an issue of. You don’t want to find yourself spending years in court battling probate or lawsuits over the will/estate. From the sound of it, your sister seems like the type who get a thrill from “sticking it to you” in court battles for years and years to come. Make sure everything, and I mean everything, is in order legally.
Your sister knows your buttons and she’s going to push them at every opportunity possible. That’s obviously who she is. Drama queen. She “gets off” on drama and creating conflict for others. You can’t turn off your own “buttons” but you can turn off her ability and access to push your buttons.
Hi Susan,
Sorry to hear what’s been happening, and I’m so happy you’re there, Lin, to help. My brother & I are going through hell with Mother’s family again with regard to her estate so please make sure you do as Lin said and document, document, document everything. We had no knowledge of some of this so could not do that, but we are trying to find someone to help us so our extended family doesn’t take everything like what has happened for years because of our parent’s separate estates. I am so fed up with our dysfunctional family, as a whole, because of events from 1994 to the present. Why are some families so bad? I think I’d rather deal with strangers than family anytime! I just can’t wait for the problems to start with the step-sons if my husband passes on before I do (I think they’ll try something even if I pass first. Their mother wants my antiques – the ones I brought to our marriage from my own home). Sometimes I think it would be better if there were no estates to leave behind. I think couples should spend everything and not worry about family. Didn’t they earn it? Shouldn’t they benefit? If there were not so many expectations, maybe families would not be so ugly to each other. Money is indeed the root of most of the evil that I know I have seen over the years!
Good luck. You can’t put yourself through this anymore. It isn’t good for your emotional or physical health. Not worth it. Toxic people are just that, toxic! They will survive even if you don’t. Don’t waste your time on someone who won’t ever change. What other people think isn’t important in the end. I had to mend a few relationships after my ex bad mouthed me to his colleagues even though what he said were all lies. He and his girlfriend (at the time) were extremely vindictive even though they were the ones pushing for the divorce. Just hatred on their part. Can’t understand what they were thinking. I didn’t do anything to keep them apart after their decision was made. So, do yourself a favor and forget about trying to save a relationship that was never there in the first place. We love you and will continue to pray for you!
I agree with getting away from toxic family members as they are miserable souls themselves with nothing better to do and it does give them a sense of power and well being on their behalf. I have made the decision NOT to interact with any of these people that have done nothing but undermine my character and decisions.
I sold all the furniture that my spouse and I brought into the marriage at an auction. We called family members and told them where and what time the action was being held and if they wanted any items to go and bid on them. Solved that in a hurry!
Beware, because family will try and take what is not theirs just because! Horrible behavior on their behalf!
Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a valid person and go forward with your hubby. The best revenge is being happy and content. They do not like that!
Lorianne
Hmm, wasn’t sure where to reply this time but I figured I’d reply way at the bottom to keep better track of where all the most current comments/discussions are.
Betty, you made a very good point. So did you Lorianne. (You ladies are truly awesome!)
Isn’t it amazing how, in society today, “kids” young, teenage and grown/adult have the attitude that parents owe their children pretty much everything their
selfishlittle hearts desire? The unrealistic and selfish expectation that parents owe their children an inheritance (amongst umpteen other things) is ludicrous.My personal thoughts on dealing with inheritances, especially in regards to passing along heirloom possessions that may likely get swiped by the wrong person/people is to gift those items to the recipient before you die (or become mentally/physically incapacitated). Even if you specifically write out a will, saying this or that goes to so-and-so upon my death etc, who is to say that the schmuck who isn’t supposed to get the item swipes it before the true recipient can get to it? Then there are broken hearts and hurt feelings, possibly lawsuits and court battles, over an heirloom meant for someone else. Personally, it means more to me to be able to present a gift of the heirloom/jewelry whatever to the intended person before my death, so I know they received it and I have those moments to share with the person I’m giving the gift too. Some things, maybe like furniture etc, can’t be done that way but you understand my meaning.
But you know what? Parents fall for the “you owe me” trap hook, line and sinker. If not in the comments section throughout my blog, then my email inbox is filled to the brim with parents who are going through much the same thing you all are, but are too afraid to comment. I’ve been very surprised, shocked really, at the number of parents who email me regularly through the blog contact form telling me how their adult daughter primarily (sometimes it’s the son) has been manipulating them into paying for a wedding they cannot possibly afford. Oh the tantrums these “kids” pull on parents would blow your mind. I’m not shocked very often anymore, but some emails or comments on various topics are truly shocking.
That is very good advice, Lin. I have already started sharing jewelry and other personal items with my kids. I want them to have the choice and if they don’t want something, I know I can dispose of that item and not worry about who has it. It won’t mattter.
Yeah, I have also seen some adult temper tantrums that would put two year olds to shame. It’s amazing how immature people can be. No wonder other societies see Americans as weak and soft.
I sure hope to live to see the pendulum swing the other way with regard to how parents do their parenting! Imagine having to have a reality show with a paid nanny who goes from house to house showing parents what they should already know! More than likely the parents weren’t taught enough about self-discipline and hard work by THEIR parents because their parents thought they were being good parents. We could all easily fall into that trap.
Well, hang in there and know you are doing right by telling your kids to grow up and do something for themselves.
Very good insight. I had a great aunt who I suggested gift her porcelain to family members before she died. Of course she did not and the majority went to her nephew and new third wife. My kids have not received an item and that is sad as the aunt wanted them to have certain pieces.
As for kids today…yes, allot have the attitude that they RULE the household and are entitled to disrupting family.
My husband’s daughter is one of those teens who has torn the family apart and is adamant that her Mother who has been divorced from her father for five years now is still very much part of the family. The unfortunate part is that my husband’s siblings support his Ex as being a part of the family. Between the teen and Mom, they have totally tried to destroy my character through lies and manipulative behavior and actions and now we have a brother-in-law and the youngest sister and their kids not talking to me and I am not allowed in their home because they believe the kid and Ex’s lies. The bro-in-law will talk to my husband as if nothing has happened. Games like this. They will not be happy until they completely alienate me from the entire family.
My husband has repeatedly talked to these people and told them their behavior is unacceptable, but they keep on going. Our only recourse is to remove ourselves from family dinners and events and that is not fair to my husband as he is a good, decent man and I am a good and honest person.
I am just in awe that people can be so malicious, hurtful and believe it is their right to behave so badly.
The message toward me is that they can do whatever they please to me, but when I call them on their behavior, I am the bad one acting out. Not them.
Lorianne,
We went through something similar with the younger son (my husband’s) for several years, but he finally realized he wasn’t getting anywhere with us with his games and anger. I didn’t even know these people when their divorce happened so I didn’t feel guilty about it. I only became more on my guard with this kid when I found out he was telling his mother that he was doing all of the housework and laundry, causing her to regard me with much disdain, and his sneaking out until late or all night and telling tall tales about why he was not at home in bed! His last whopper of a lie, stealing his Dad’s new motorcycle and totaling it resulted in his being sent to live with his mother (who had not had much to do with him prior to this). She saw our “situation” as not being good for him! What a crock! HE was the one who was doing all the damage and I was relieved when he left. He barely finished high school and gave his mother trouble so she finally believed he was lying about a lot of things. That was the positive outcome of all of it.
So, just hang in there and be happy your husband supports you and goes to bat for you. It will be painful for a few years, but these things have a way of dying down and becoming less of a problem as time goes on. People go away, some finally grow up, and no one even remembers why there was so much strife in the family. And, if there are still family members who like to hold on to anger, so what! They are probably toxic themselves.
I am a divorced mother of two sons that are grown now. My youngest was nine years old and my oldest was a teenager when I became a “single” mom. Life was extremely difficult without any input from their fathers and I could not afford to pay lawyer’s ridiculous fees to chase them down for child support. My only choice was to almost work myself to death but we made it, or so I thought. They both ended up with “new age” young women that think it’s “wimpy” for men to stay close to their mom’s after they marry, however, they stay very tightly bonded with their mom’s and family. Needless to say being a mom that seldom hears from my son because he’s just “sooooo busy”, and a grandmother that seldom sees her grand kids my Golden Years have not proven to be a very rewarding experience. In 2004 I had my home paid down to $70,000.00 when my youngest son started having surgeries and they needed financial help. My oldest son had two mild heart attacks and needed financial help also. Their fathers refused to help them and the only way I could help them was to refinance my home, twice, and when the real estate crash hit I lost my home to foreclosure because I got too ill to work any longer and cover my higher payments. I’m glad I lived to see what my son’s, and their mates, did with the money I had intended to leave for their inheritance. I found out quickly that what my father used to say all the time rings true, every time..”Easy money is never respected money.” Now I’m 66 years old, rent a Duplex, and I live on Social Security now so when I die all they will have to divide amongst them is my car and thrift store furniture instead of over $400,000.00. I’m just one of many parents that discover when we can’t keep helping them financially we have no other purpose. This is a national epidemic; and getting worse so I can only imagine what their lives will be like when their children grow up and marry…..
Lorianne,
I just wanted to add that after you get to be my age – 60′s, you realize that life is short and not worth worrying so much about others and their behavior. I want to enjoy what time I have left so I just remove myself from people who are downers and try to do my best to hang on to those who are positive. There are so many good family members out there, and friends who will be good for you, so don’t stress too much. It isn’t good for your physical or emotional health. I almost learned that the hard way. Not worth getting sick over it. Enjoy the world and see as much as you can even if you only go to the park or take a walk in the neighborhood to recharge yourself. Take walks with your hubby everyday, and love him with all of your heart!
I have always maintained that those that want to hurt others are hurting inside themselves!
The best revenge is to live a healthy, loving life and yes, love on my husband and support him!
Go on with living as life is so precious and there is so many great people such as friends and family members that are not caught up in supporting a very spoiled teen and her Mother. Those that do, have blinders on and are harming themselves and their kids when all the smoke clears. Too much damage has been done and I feel for my hubby when he sits across from his daughter and knows what she is capable of. I guess she is wanting to hurt him deeply also.
The Ex just will not let go. She ruled him when they were married and then she told everybody how and when he could fall in love and then tells everybody how things are run in her household and it should be the same in ours. The problem is, she has a few convinced that her way is the way. Give me a break!
OMG. This should be read by all who have toxic people in their life. I agree with Lorianne “The best revenge is to live a healthy, loving life..”
My family is FULL of toxic people. I love my grandmother, but I often wonder why those she raised (her children) are ALL toxic family members. They would rather insult than inspire, they are very judgmental and huge gossip mongers!IF you are doing well, they somehow have to turn that good into bad..its unbelievable! You should help raise each other, not pull each other down. My grandmother said I’d never be a doctor..that I should try something easier, most of my aunts/uncles were huge bad influences (abusers,alcoholics,etc.), my mother has always been a bully…enjoys being negative and saying negative things to me. LOVES to insult me. I often wonder if I was switched at birth. I purposely stay away from family. Its too taxing on my happiness and well-being.
I need help…I have ano ongoing saga with my husband’s ex-wife that has made it very clear that she divorced him, but not his family. She has undermined me silently through her daughter’s horrible actions toward me and whenever I have said Enough or the behavior is unacceptable, I am the trouble maker.
I have a brother-in-law that has lied to my in-laws about me regarding my husband’s daughter and now I am banned from their home.
It is a very dangerous, toxic, situation that I have never been exposed to before and I do fear for my reputation and frame of mind.
They go around and cause so much chaos and lie and then spread it to other family that will listen to them.
I have renounced them all and it is very hard on my husband’s parents because since I came into his life three years back, all hell has broken lose with the child and certain siblings. I believe the son-in-law is positioning himself to become the leader of the family and push my husband aside because I am in his life. He knows that he has lied and I have challenged him, but of course he denies it. This is a fellow who was brought up in a very abusive, alcoholic ridden family that married my husband’s sister and what a gold mine he landed in. Same goes for my husband’s ex. She also came from a very bad family upbringing.
What can I do short of leaving my marriage to protect my worth? This has gone on for three long years and no matter what my husband has said to them, they absolutely ignore him. We have no privacy, we have no respect shown toward us and I have absolutely had enough!
Lorianne, are your husband’s parents sticking by you in all this or are they believing the lies and nonsense?
I keep going back to what your teenage step daughter told you awhile back, that she will do whatever it takes to break you two up. My guess is that she hopes to get her parents back together, even though the chances of that happening are nil.
Is there anyone on your husband’s side of the family sticking by you, or does everyone in the family believe the lies going around? Even his parents?
I would gather info on the legalities involved with Slander and what is necessary to prove in court that you’re being slandered and the emotional toll it’s taken on you. I wish I knew so I could pass that along, but I know there are laws regarding the seriousness of slandering people and lawsuits have been won by people who have been slandered.
What do you mean by “we have no privacy”. I understand what you mean by no respect shown etc, but where is the “leak” in the family that is divulging private matters? The step daughter? Would your husband be willing to set a very strong limit on her not having access to your home, including during visitation periods? Wait, does she live with you and your husband? If so, I’d change that real quick. How about Boot Camp?! If not, would your husband be willing to have his visitations with her away from your home? What is your husband willing to do to preserve your marriage, privacy etc while also maintaining whatever level of closeness to his daughter he wishes? Don’t give up without a serious fight! This is exactly what his daughter is hoping for, and if you and your husband love each other and your husband wants to secure your marriage, what is he willing to do about it? What about teen residential treatment centers for unruly teens? There are tons of them all around the U.S.
Can you absolutely without question make an agreement with your husband that none of the toxic people in the family are allowed to step foot in your home, you and he won’t attend family functions where the toxic family members are included, and you won’t accept phone calls, emails or any other forms of contact by any of them? Is your husband willing to do whatever…..it takes…..to protect your privacy as a couple and your marriage, or is he buckling under the pressure? To protect and preserve your marriage, it sounds as though you both will have to cut them all off entirely and remove all forms of contact. Is your husband willing to do that?
What a tough situation! I hope it all works out for you. It is so difficult to deal with family members who are toxic. I don’t know how that would play out in my marriage if I thought my husband would choose his sons over me every time there is a problem. In a way, he does from time to time, and it is not good for us. Children come and go, but we hope to stay with our mates for a lifetime. How we handle it says a lot about our relationships. You have my prayers that the choices you will both have to make will result in the best for both of you.
Lin, I sure wish I had been able to talk you you when my ex and his girl friend were slandering me to friends, acquaintances, and my kids. There were people who talked about me then and some who are still not friendly since rumors were spread about my being a bad person/parent. I also lost a job offer because his girl friend became friendly with the human resources person in the company where I was offered the job, and must have told her some very bad things about me because the job offer was recinded. I had an excellent rapport with the HR person so I was puzzled when I called her and got a very icy response to my inquiry about the job and was told that there was no job offer anymore. Later, I happened to be driving past the building where I would have worked, and saw my ex’s girl friend sitting at the desk that was supposed to be mine. What a shock that was! They also turned me in to probation by writing some things (I saw the report) that were supposed to result in my losing my kids. You see, my ex wanted me to disappear and leave everything to him and his girl friend. The probation officer saw nothing that even hinted that my kids were unhappy or neglected so he more or less threw away the report. Unfortunately, my girls have told me lately that they were so confused at the time that they almost hated me. They say that they were told so many bad things about me that they didn’t know who to believe. That is something I hope none of you have to go through. It was so bad that one day I thought about going away to end the hurt. I felt so alone. Later, I had friends and some people I didn’t know very well come to me and tell me they were praying for me because they knew what I was going through. They had gone through some tough times and knew I needed a support system. I was so blessed to have had those people with me. They were my angels during such a sad time in my life. There are always times in our lives when we need help and that’s where we can all provide that support and love for each other.
Betty, toxic people will stop at nothing to get what they want and it doesn’t matter who they hurt in the process. They just don’t care. They are selfish to the core of their being and will trample on anyone who gets in their way. Many times through horrific gossip that affects so many areas in life. I’ve heard some people say that toxic people don’t have a conscience at all but I think that’s going a bit too far. People that don’t have a conscience are psychopaths and there’s a difference between the two.
Lin, Thanks.
I guess I just didn’t want to think these two were as selfish and stupid as they were (and still are).
I just wish they had not hurt my kids as much as they did. This woman did much to one of my daughters, especially, and even though she was caught by my ex and his parents while they were visiting, he still denies she did anything wrong. This is the daughter he spoiled and treated like she was more special than our other two kids. He tossed her out after he used her to “get the goods” on me while the probation report was being written. What a dad! My husband treats my kids better than their father does on any day! Thank God for that. There will be a pay day for him in the future!
Yes, my husband is sticking by me and US! He will talk to his sister and bro-in-law and lay things out on the table. If they give him the usual song and dance and tell him they stand by what they believe in, he will tell them that they have made their choice with the Ex and his child and that WE no longer will attend family functions and he will remove himself from them.
His other sister took me on for the first two years and then apologized to me and since then, she has been respectful of our union.
His parents are very supportive of me – Thank God! Also his aunts and uncles.
It is a situation where the EX wife divorced him, but has stated she did NOT divorce his family! I could accept the fact her continuing to interact with the family if she RESPECTED our household, but she does NOT and she has supported the child NOT respecting me.
Mom is in a relationship and we certainly do not interfere in their household!
The child’s boyfriend has been extremely rude to me also and when I called him on it at Xmas the other sister and hubby told me to quit being so melodramtic. I am expected to sit quietly with these people at a table and keep quiet and choke my food down no matter how they treat me. I do not choose to sit at a table where so many treat me like dirt. I also have a choice to surround myself with positive people.
We have not had privacy in our home when the child has been here as she conjures stories and spreads things to other family members. She no longer comes over as she has stated that she fears for her safety around me. Total BS! Whenever she has been cooperative with me, the following day, she has done the opposite and there have been no witnesses to observe her backhanded behavior.
Yes, I have told my husband that if this does not stop with his siblings, Ex and kid, I will go to court on slander regarding my character.
It has taken a toll on my emotions and I have chosen to remove myself from the toxic people that are involved in supporting the lies of the kid and her Mother.
I am divorced and I do not have interactions with his family members out of respect for his privacy and vise-versa.
I look at this and observe adults behaving worse than very spoiled children. Yes, the kid would benefit from Boot Camp, but her Mother would never allow it as she is a very wonderful, lovely young woman in her eyes. Her Mother is teaching this kid to run amock and what is going to happen to her when she leaves home and goes out into the world!
I truly believe through everybody’s heartaches with family dynamics, the best retreat is to be good to each other and oneself and live by example. If others do not want to be a part of the positive, you must let them go! We all have choices. At times they seem very difficult, but being content and positive really is the best revenge!
Thanks for putting this post online. I read the book Toxic Parents in 1998 when I was 18 years old and couldn’t figure out why my Mom always chose my step-dad over her kids when he was obviously a jerk. He was nice and friendly on the outside, but really was a lying, selfish, jealous person. So I ended up moving out my senior year in high school and had to cut the ties. I grieved the loss of the relationship with my mother, but I was going deep into a hole created by her husbands criticism, belittling, and making us kids feel second class to him. It took me 3 years to recover from nearly 7 years of his toxicity. I’ve lived away from them most of my adult life (mostly on purpose). They have moved to the same town as me and the cycle has begun again. He tells complete strangers lies about me and makes up stories, my mom never defends me or my siblings, and says I should be the bigger person and just forgive. Well what about him being a bigger person…be an adult and not be cruel(she is on medication herself to deal with him). So this posted comment comes on the morning after me telling my mom I have to remove him from being a part of my life. I am grieving again today for the loss of a fulfilling relationship with my mom, and having to make the big girl choice of not allowing my stepdad to affect my emotions. Hopefully I can set an example for other family members and my daughter to not let a bully be a bully to us anymore. I shouldn’t be angry or in turmoil because he is toxic. I choose to live a happier life without his negativity and mental abuse.
My heart goes out to everyone who is going through this and my God grant us forgiveness and peace.
Tif, you’re doing what has to be done to have peace in your life. Maybe someday your mother will decide where her loyalities lie, and make the decision to leave the bully. Besides, the medication may not be enough then so she will do it easily and without regret.
Yeah, most of us have had bullies around us. Mine was at work. My husband urged me to retire early so I did. I feel much better even though my retirement check isn’t great. Peace is more important! I hear the bully is still up to his old tricks, but I don’t have to be there anymore! I’m happy!
Dear Lin and readers,
(I am usually the one to make a big deal out of nothing.)
I’m going to go out on a limb and sacrifice myself to the negative replies to my post I am almost 100% positive I will receive…
I admit, I feel that I am a toxic person. I have a wonderful boyfriend of four years who is also my best friend and he has never done anything but helped me. For the most part, we are a great heterosexual couple and we have so much fun together and enjoy being near each other. Our friends and relatives have often said that we seem to bring the best out in each other and we appear to be very happy. We have a ton in common and have always looked forward to whatever our future may bring. We are both in our low twenties and have a lot to look forward to.
We met in our freshman year in college and lived in separate residences until our third year together. We then moved to a different state for both of our careers and I would like to think that we are doing pretty well for being so young. I feel that we are a mature couple, sexually responsible, have never had any mishaps regarding children, and are not rushing getting married until we know for sure that that’s what we both want.
But I feel like our relationship is cyclical… meaning that our arguments arise over time again and again in some form or another. Most of the problems begin with very small things that mean nothing negative at all… Those of which are rarely negative could easily be solved in a very simple and logical manner except I always seem to take it too far.
I have gone so far as throwing stupid temper tantrums while acting like a two year old and screaming while literally throwing things on the floor (luckily never at my boyfriend…) to deliberately insulting him with unnecessary (and always untrue) name-calling. I even have punched him in his shoulder once on two different occasions. The first was when we’ve been together for about two years, the second at about three years. After doing anything negatively, I always feel a great sense of remorse and hate myself for doing such awful things. I always apologize to my boyfriend, who I love very, very much. He has always forgiven me and we’ve moved on. The issue here is that it keeps happening time and time again (even if over long< stretches of time).
The reason I am writing this to the public is because I am so thankful that I came across such a wonderful article. I want to thank you, Lin for writing what you have because it has provided me with great insight to myself. I think I am very lucky that I have admitted this problem to myself and have accepted that I need to change… Not only for my boyfriend but most especially for myself… If it so happens that we decide to go our separate ways I will be thankful for my current boyfriend’s patience with me and do my best to not carry my issues to another potential relationship. I would not be lying if I was to say I can see potential for my current boyfriend and I… Wonderful and great amounts of potential.
I apologize for my post being so long (and I’m sure my grammar and sentence structure is horrible). But I admit it has been hard not to share more. I am honestly terrified for myself and also for my boyfriend because I am afraid I’ve pushed him to the brink. During the last fight we had, I said horrible things. Such hurtful things that I can never take back because of the way they were said. I am not scared of us breaking up if that is what needs to happen. I know that he needs his space right now, for a long “right now†(as do I) and I am and will continue to respect that. I also know that if we do continue to share our lives with each other, it is going to take a long, long time for me to earn his respect again… (I don’t even know if I will ever have his complete respect again.)<< That’s what I’m so scared of. I’m constantly cursing myself silently because I have no idea how much I have hurt him and I’m scared it has been a severe amount on an emotional level.
As of now, he has said that he still needs time to think about what he wants in our relationship. We are comfortable being civilized… still running errands together and spending some time here and there relaxing (separately… but still in the same room).
The only thing I am asking is if any of the readers and especially you, Lin… feel that I deserve another chance to grow and give my favorite person the love and caring he deserves. I am currently seeking a therapist and I am being patient as I wait my honey’s decision on our next step whether it is together or not. Thank you for anyone who has read my entire post… I appreciate any feedback (even negative) and will do as much as I can in my power to heal myself of this horrible trait.
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Hi A,
It takes courage to admit what you’ve been doing to your boyfriend. If there is any chance to repair this abusive relationship and make it a healthy one, you have to figure out why you do it and where you learned this type of abusive behavior and then stop it. Yes, you are an abusive girlfriend. Emotionally, mentally and physically abusing the man you say you love. Abusive women destroy their relationships, tearing their men down and he would be smart to leave you and never look back. Abusive women are no different than abusive men and both must be dealt with. You mentioned the cyclical nature of your relationship. Very very common in abusive relationships and I’ve talked about the cycle of abuse on my article about men and husbands in abusive relationships article.
I bet if you were to read my article about abusive women and the signs that a man is dating or married to an abusive woman, you would see yourself. You learned this behavior somewhere – only you know where. Long term counseling with someone experienced in abusive relationships may be able to help you heal from your issues and help you get where you can have a great, healthy relationship with a man. Maybe not the same man, because if he’s smart…, he’ll end the relationship and move on without you.
Do you deserve another chance, you ask. Whatever you’ve done to him, whatever you’ve said to him that broke his heart and made him want space from you, may be enough for him to say goodbye to you forever. He’d be smart to do so. Changing abusive behaviors is hard hard work and most people end up quitting therapy and just give up with the backwards idea that they are the way they are and so be it. Callous attitude. That’s not love. Love doesn’t hurt, so I have difficulty believing that you truly love this man.
If there is any possible chance of you two having a good, healthy relationship will only happen after you have gone through extensive counseling long term and have taken the time to really go deep within your own mind and heart to figure out where it came from and learn how not to be abusive towards men. The statistics aren’t good, they’re not on your side at all. Dealing with your own issues and demons that cause you to be this way may be longer than he’s willing to give you. Statistically speaking, he’d be smart not to give you another chance. Even if he doesn’t and your relationship ends forever, if you will ever have a happy long lasting relationship, marriage and family, you STILL would need to continue with the counseling and really spend time on “personal development” of yourself. Read books about personal development in regards to abusive relationships, especially those that talk about abusive women. If your boyfriend were the one leaving the message here, I would tell him to run and run fast and don’t ever look back wondering What If. You have a lot of work to do on yourself, and I guess the bottom line question is, Are you truly willing to do the work it takes to fix your personal demons even if it takes a long time, or will you just give up and end up repeating the same things with the next guy(s) that come into your life. That’s a tough self-reflection question to ask yourself. It shouldn’t be a question of if or how you can keep your current boyfriend from leaving you. He shouldn’t be part of the equation – you have to fix you, not him fix you or stick with you while you try to figure it all out for yourself. Sorry, but that’s the truth.
Dear A,
You do have a long way to go. I see some of myself in what you have described, but I do know where it all came from. I am trying so hard to get past all of what I learned as a child so I can finally achieve a great relationship with my second husband. Yes, in this case it isn’t all about me, but some of it is. With my second husband, I decided I wasn’t going to ever let anyone bully or control me the way I was in my childhood or in my first marriage so I literally fought him a lot (and still do). I had many toxic people in my life so didn’t learn how to have good relationships with men. I was also very immature. After an incident of molestation, I learned not to trust men. I had male friends, but they were more like brothers so I had no problem being buddies with them. It was only with men I wanted to date and with whom I might pursue a lasting relationship that the trouble started.
Please do see a therapist and don’t give up! Someday, you may be able to like yourself and have a great relationship with someone you can love because you love yourself enough to do so. You are young so go for it!
Good luck!
A short note because I’ve gotta run…
Things are looking up. Being friends with my current boyfriend is the best things in the world and we’ve actually started flirting and holding hands again.
Therapy is going wonderfully and I have more self control than I’ve ever thought I could have.
I have so much support with my closest friends and immediate family members which has helped immensely. I keep reminding myself that today’s a day to learn and grow and tomorrow’s a day to practice what I’ve learned.
I know that the chances of us working out in the long run as a couple are slim, but I’m not letting go of my hope. Giving my boyfriend the space and respect he needs is #1 on my list of priorities and I refuse to forget that. So far, so good. =D
xoxo
best thing*
after reading this i have learned that not only do i have a toxic mother i have become a toxic person to my wife..which upsets me to no end..i have tried all my life not to be my mothers son (to become her in anyway) but i think i have….my mother as done it all to me and even more…and now after talking to my wife and a doctor and reading this i now belive that i m a toxic person
how do i deal with this toxcity that i may have become?????
Yeah, I have a toxic father. I really can’t stand him. Whatever I do never satisfies him. He always puts people down, whether it be my mom, my brother, or me. He finds the smallest wrong, finding reasons to get angry. He never looks for the positives and the good in people. Oh, and don’t ever think about making a mistake, because he treasure that moment and bring it up day after day; month after month; year after year. What I really hate about him, is that he’s such a hypocrite. He yells about how we never clean our room, our bathroom, etc. Except HIS room is absolutely filthy, disgusting, nasty! And his bathroom, which he doesn’t even use anymore because it’s so dirty. Ugh, everything about him I hate. I’m seriously thinking about getting an emancipation for him.
My toxic problem/problems are my siblings and one sisters children in particular. These people constantly tell each other what they should or shouldn’t do, fight about it and then after a brief period start all over again. They also insist on interfering in everyone’s business as long as they can. They live for the drama, they will push people around if they are allowed and will tell you what you need to be doing in your life and gossip run rampant. I have stayed away from them most of my life because of this, but once they get started they don’t quit until I have had enough and tell them to back off and stay out of my affairs as it is none of their business. I am then the villain and they try to drag our mother into the middle of the frey by yelling at her when she has nothing to do with any of the gossip and drama they themselves have created. I am 51 and am the oldest of children,
we are all too old to be behaving this way.
Not a one of them will talk to the person the gossip is about to find out what is actually going on from both points of view and they get angry with me when I confront them about this. I have found that I have to cut ties with them because they are never going to stop this behavior and my health is suffering because of this. I don’t let myself get involved in any of their mess unless it concerns their gossip and judgment of myself. Their lives and how they choose to live them are none of my business and I stay out of it, they are after all adults, yet I always get pulled into the drama and after I stand up for myself, they decide that all the drama is my fault. I have enough drama of my own without needing to be a part of their drama circle. I don’t know or really care why they do this as long as they leave me out of it. Nothing doesn’t give them the right to pull anyone they choose into the middle of their mess and later act as if they are the wounded party in the whole affair. For the most part I can and usually do ignore it but it gets to the point when I have to say enough is enough and I don’t mince words because if I do they wouldn’t pay a bit of attention anyway.
I am glad I found this web site, it has helped me a lot, thank you.
Hi Lin and Readers,
I’m an older single woman, never married. Throughout my adulthood, I’ve felt like I’m caught in a car wreck whenever I see an adult hit a child. Since my brother’s children were little, I’ve lived within a half-hour’s driving distance of his family, trying to be a loving aunt to the boys while they were being raised by a mother addicted to hitting them. My brother and I both kept trying to persuade her to stop, but he eventually joined her in physically punishing the older boy. The younger boy apparently wasn’t hit as much, but he had his own nightmares and anxieties growing up. Both boys are grown now and living away from home. They seem to get along better with their parents now.
My problem is that I can hardly stand to be around my brother and his wife any more. My brother has grown extremely argumentative and critical, his wife has remained her usual narcissistic self, and I’ve become extremely withdrawn in their presence, putting up with their casual, habitual rudeness toward me. I realize I’m to blame for putting up with it. But now I’m sick to death of it. My brother has become a stranger to me, and I’ve never liked his wife.
In recent years I’ve rarely seen them except for family affairs, which have dwindled down to Christmas and Easter. For several years I’ve simply dreaded Christmas, but I’ve spent it with them rather than spend it alone. Now I’d rather spend it alone, but I think I need to celebrate Christmas with people who have no families.
I would be very grateful for any suggestions you can give for celebrating Christmas away from a toxic family.
Hi Kirsten, welcome to the site. The holidays can be an especially difficult and depressing time for people with toxic family members. Choosing to spend the holidays away from such relatives can really help a lot, but as you say, it can be rather sad and the feeling of being alone brings its own pain.
No one has to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter or any other holiday alone. I highly recommend checking into local charity events that go on in your local area, where you can thoroughly enjoy volunteer work helping those in need. The joy received from helping others and doing for others less fortunate than ourselves before, during and after the holiday season are enormous.
Check into holiday celebrations at homeless shelters, women’s shelters, church food pantry’s, abused and/or neglected children’s shelters, organizations that provide assistance to the elderly and infirm, senior citizen centers and the like.
The more focus and energies placed on helping others and assisting those in real need by doing volunteer work as often as you can will feel amazing to you. Focus on the outward expression of kind, loving, giving to others and you’ll find your inner joy grow exponentially even when it’s not the holiday season. You’ll feel wonderful!
Hi Lin,
Thank you so much for your reply. These are very good suggestions, and you’ve offered them in such an inspiring way, I hope they help others who need to reconnect with humanity. I already feel I’ve started “reconnecting” in finding your site. Best wishes who you and all your readers.
I am a 39-year-old married woman with one child. My toxic relationships are with my mother and sister (both live in other states) who are seemingly normal and successful in their own lives but are especially toxic when we are together as a family. My parents had a very rocky marriage (still together after 42 years) and while they have good times and enjoy each other, my mother launches into abusive tirades about my father’s self-absorbed laziness quite frequently when we’re together, and my sister is prone to jump in and spread the hostility around. While I can’t entirely dismiss my mother’s comments, I find her behavior extremely toxic and traumatizing — it brings me back to very difficult periods in my childhood when they were on the verge of divorce.
She (ironically a retired mental health professional) is also prone to self-righteous lectures about life choices and comes off as very condescending to me, my husband and other family members as well. It can be embarrassing to attend events with extended family when she’s acting this way. My sister struggles with a serious weight problem (probably related to some of the issues I’m describing here), is incredibly moody and can be downright mean to me and my 6-year-old daughter at family events. I’ve told her that her responses are uncalled for and that I don’t treat her or her children that way, but it doesn’t change her behavior.
My question … how do I limit the stress and depression I feel after spending time with them? A lot of my relationship with them is conducted over the phone given that they are both out of state, and generally, we do fine. These family gatherings can be awful, though. I often feel like they are the aggressors in creating toxic levels of conflict while my father and I just absorb and react to it. I also have a younger brother who has mostly distanced himself from the family over the past several years, and I don’t wonder why.
Hi Dani,
It’s a terrible thing when family members behave this way, and the stress brought on can be devastating to everyone around it. As you’ve said yourself, you’ve tried to let them know how their behavior and attitudes have affected you and they just continue doing it anyway. Like your brother has already done, creating a degree of distance between you and the toxic people in the family is pretty much all you or anyone else can do. What degree that is rests entirely with you, where you draw the line between what is comfortable for you, your daughter and husband. Greatly limiting phone calls, or accepting phone calls, can go far in reducing the stress and anxiety that often comes with communicating with such people. Just because someone in the family calls you, doesn’t mean you have to answer the phone, emails, text messages or what have you. Let the calls go to voicemail, and then decide if you want to actually listen to the full message(s) or simply delete them.
For family get togethers, if you find there is a certain point during the gatherings where the toxic people start in on other people, that’s the time to get up and leave. There is no need to make a scene or make it obvious in some way that you’re leaving, but simply have a code word or signal between you and your husband that indicates the need to leave, and then do so. If possible, have gatherings at public places (restaurants for example) or someone else’s house, where you can more easily leave when things appear to be getting strained. Eliminate or greatly limit such family members being at your house because it’s often impossible to defuse the situations that come up, and certainly impossible to just leave. Your brother chose to distance himself from such things for his own sake and well-being. You can do the same, to whatever degree you choose. Good luck.
Hello, I am having a difficult time and thought you could offer some words of wisdom to help out in this particular situation? My husband and I have been married for a short time, together for 5 years.In this 5 years we have spent 3.5 years living interstate away from both of our families. At the beginning I warmed to my inlaws ( husband has mother, father and two sisters) My husband is the middle child.
The inlaws were friendly enough and included me in most things, although now looking back my mother in law started doing some very strange things – we were staying with them for about two months to save some money, so we both felt indebted to them in some way, and got a phonecall from mil letting us know that she had invited my boyfriends (at the time) ex girlfriend over for dinner with us.
I naturally told my boyfriend and her that i was uncomfortable with this and wouldnt attend which i didnt. MIL rang BF back crying and claiming she was sorry etc. etc. which BF felt bad about – even stating to me that it’s not his mum’s fault.. I felt that this was done to 1. make a statement to me that MIL did not approve/like me and 2. make BF and I uncomfortable and cause a fight between us. Please note that this was very early on in our relationship. MIL explained to me that she didnt consider ex GF a life partner for BF but there was never any apology or realisation on her behalf that she should never have invited the ex GF if she cared about my feelings..AND the ex GF treated BF terribly when they were together including cheating on him?! Which the family were aware of. BF’s eldest sister had stated to me when I first met her that she HATED the ex GF for the way she treated their brother blah blah blah
The norm for this family is to control everyone within it by knowing what is going in their lives all the time – FIL calls my husband everyday and sometimes MIL too – but seperartely?? Now we have put a stop to this and told them to stop calling everyday. they tried to push us to talk to the sisters everyday too?? We got married and I involved every single member of BF’s family in the wedding party and the two sisters proceeded to stress me out over small wedding details such as colour of the nail polish – they tried to bully me into their preferences which by the time the big day came around I was relieved and also disgusted in myself and regretting that I ever invited them to take part..
Since this we have had a baby and all of husbands family invited themselves to stay immediately after as we lived interstate. Elder sister in law lives overseas and rang after she ha booked the flights to let us know the dates. This was after I had talked to my siblings and explained that they couldnt come immediately after but maybe later on – which they understood. MIL also assumed a seat in our car for a lift on way home as this would be cheaper option for them and she preferred to ride with us, I needed all the room I could get as I had a c section and was breastfeeding etc. and I told her so of this but was ignored. MIL turned up at house and threw an unwrapped gift thanks for the grandkid she says and stayed for 10 excruciating days, I was recovering from major surgery here and childbirth and adjusting to motherhood but not once did she ask how was i feeling, how was i coping nor offer help around the house or with the baby.
She sat down nursing the baby all day and watched my mother wash and clean and cook for all of us. Ok so naturally I was veru tired at this tme and not really up for in depth conversations as I was grabbing all the sleep and rest i could get, second day MIL is there she goes for a walk and calls her husband (FIL) to tell him she is feeling unwelcome and that she is not “allowed” to hold the baby FIL who then calls husband and it snowballs frm there, husband doubts me me for awhile and demands to know what is going on which causes a huge fight between us which she sat calmly listening to in my living room. Husband did not want to confront MIL at this time and I think I would have lost it if I had of. I am a very honest straight forward person and was disgusted in this underhanded behaviour. I believe this was to cause trouble in my marriage and believe she had thought this through and maybe even planned it? What do you think? I am struggling to understand this or I am being drama queen?
Okay so sisters visit followed with a display of first day of helping me in the housework and then it stopped altogether, they expected to use our family car for day trips and even an overnight trip, leaving me with a month old baby and no car to get around? I heard sister gossiped about me before arriving that I was really hormonal and it was funny so I had my back up before they came. Anyways I got through the visit by napping with the baby lots but I did put my foot down about the car which for the rest of the time they brought it up in conversation to both of us trying to guilt my husband. After they left elder sister proceeded to slander me on a social networking site – through my friends! For some reason all of our friends even if the sisters tell us they dont really like them the sisters and MIL seem to maintain contact with our friends as if a control mechanism of our life together? I have started to shun a lot of my friends because of this – they are mutual friends and I am unsure of where my friends loyalties lie.
which is really sad but I cant see anyway around this without creating more drama.
We started receieving abusive messages from elder sister and messages such as wanting to see how husband and baby are not me. From the beginnig all of the inlaws when talkng to husband enquire on him, then our dog then me, now it is husband, baby and thats it. They dont even try to hide that? Husband says I overreact about this. Finally after many fights my husband and I have had it out and stood up to his parents and told them to give us space to be our own family – they have respected this but totally cut contact with hubby at one stage as if to say if they cant control him they dont want to see him at all.
Husband has questioned inlaws how they think they can have a relationship with him and baby without having one with me, as there has been NO effort at all on their behalf to build trust or a relationship with me after all this drama. We explained to MIL trust has been broken etc. I have organised family events for their birthdays but this was clearly not enjoyed at the time or appreciated because it was done by me. So I have made an effort.This to me is very controlling behaviour particularly on FIL part – husband does admit he can recognise this but after everything still contacts them as he seems to need to?? Elder sister has been cut contact form us but younger sister LURKS.
All inlaws cannot reply to any of my emails or messages. Husband and I have nearly seperated over all this and got counselling which helped a lot but I feel the inlaws will never stop trying to cause trouble in our marriage.I feel guilty as we both have a great relationship with my family. At this point in time we have decided to have contact with the inlaws only at family functions and see how we go on the future if we can increase this time. Problem is I don’t think I will ever want to incraese time spent with these people, how do I work through this? – I don’t trust them the are sneaky and fake liking me to my husband and all of the other family when their words and actions quite clearly tell me they don’t. Would you agree?
We are living interstate so contact will be limited anyway but it really really upsets me whenever they call or message my husband in general and he gets back to them – he has said he wants to maintain a relationship with them but I dont and I really cant move past getting angry about this as I have been treated badly! My husband has been supportive and speaks up to them when something happens but stil talks to them. Please help me move past this for my husbands sake, am I selfish to say I don’t want to work with them at all ever, nor my son as I have big trust issues with them??
I am considering getting further counselling (the counsellor seemed to dither abit so what should i tell her i need to work on?) to build my sense of empowerment and help me respond in future situations but shouldnt they eb the one getting the help? I feel like their drama will never stop as I hear small things that have been said and the extended family have distanced themselves from us which I’m really sad about as I know it hurts hubby too, and am at the point where i dont care if they dont like me or miss out on being grandparents i just worry for my husbands longterm wellbeing, who am i to force him to make a choice between our family now and his birth family? Husband wants to do some counselling on his own to learn assertive and some confidence but I think we both need to realise we cant control their behaviour. From all of this what do you think? im sorry for the rant
Winnie,
Just so you know, I did a quick edit of your comment to create paragraph breaks so the message doesn’t run together in one big block of words. It just makes it easier for ME to follow along with what you’re saying.
Winnie, it appears to me, looking at the situation from the outside and not being part of the family and where I can be objective, that there are quite a few assumptions being made that may not be fair. I don’t know you or your husband or his family and how all of you interact with each other, but using “red flag” words like “controlling”, “abusive”, “slander” etc are troublesome.
1. Inviting the ex GF to a gathering shortly after you two began dating is not a good idea, and I would have thought common sense would have made that clear. The fact that you say that your now-MIL called her son crying and saying she’s sorry etc etc tells me that perhaps she didn’t have an understanding of how it could be perceived, and how it would make you feel uncomfortable, not liked etc. Since this happened about five years ago, when you two first started dating and you two are now married and with a child, it’s time to let it go and move on.
2. Both sets of families inviting themselves over to see the new baby right after you gave birth is a common problem for new mothers. Trust me, it happens a lot and I hear about it a lot through email communication primarily. Everyone, both sets of families, both sets of grandparents etc, are all super excited to see and hold the new baby. It’s natural and makes perfect sense. However…, it also makes perfect sense that both sets of family takes turns to come for a visit, rather than everyone converging on the new parents all at once. It also seems to ME to be common sense, but..apparently not.
It would have been very wise to discuss beforehand, before the baby was born and perhaps early into the third trimester, that you and your husband inform each sets of family when it would be alright for them to come. Decide beforehand who, if anyone, will come to stay with you to help around the house, help you with things you need to recuperate (rest, meals, cleaning house, etc) and respectfully and kindly make clear who will be coming over right after the baby is born. Perhaps you as the mother would like/prefer for your own mother to come and stay with you during the first week or two, then it’s time for her to go home and allow your husband’s mother and ? to come to visit, hold and bond with the baby and help with whatever may need to be done during that time, especially with c-sections.
3. Negative gossip destroys family relationships, or at least severely damages family relationships that may or may not be able to recover. It works both ways of course, so no matter who is doing it, it’s wrong and needs to stop.
4. Do not attempt, imply or suggest in any way that your husband should break off communication with his family. Winnie, if you pursue in any way or implication of wanting/expecting your husband to stop talking with his own family, you may find yourself being labeled a Toxic Person who should/deserves to be avoided at all costs. Think about that and be very careful how you talk or act in any way that even suggests driving a wedge between your husband and his family.
As I said in the article above about daughter-in-laws and the article I wrote about mother-in-laws, there is often a lot of miscommunication, misunderstandings, false assumptions, name-calling, negative gossip on either/both sides, an incredible lack of respect and downright rudeness involved in family relationships.
I don’t know if counseling will or won’t help, but I’m certainly not against getting counseling to discuss and deal with personal issues. Respectful boundaries need to be decided between you and your husband together, where you both agree on the terms. It’s not where, or shouldn’t be, where your husband must abide by your overall terms for each set of parents/family. It’s also not where your husband decides what the boundary rules will be for everyone and you fall in line with his demands.
Marriage is MUTUAL decision making, not where either is attempting to bully, manipulate, control etc the other person’s relationship with their own family and/or inlaws. Decide together in a kind and respectful way the boundaries for inlaws phone calls, visits, etc etc and you then respectfully and kindly explain the terms to your side of the family and he does the same with his side of the family. Don’t make family relationships a tug-of-war game to be won or lost. And don’t ever even consider using grandchildren as a pawn against grandparents or inlaws. Good luck Winnie.
Oh sorry I forgot to add MIL thought it amusing to boast to all of the extended family before our wedding that her outfit cost more than the brides my wedding dress – repeatedly! Oh and the elder sister has coffee now with the ex GF – depsite hating her guts – how am I meant to truly believe these people are genuine??
My IL’s and SIL are also pretty insensitive. After my 3rd baby came home, they all came over for a meal while I was in bed. Guess who ended up doing the dishes later? Me. This was really the least of the stress they can cause at times. They acted hurt that I would stay in bed and not ‘celebrate’ when I was not only exhausted from no sleep and delivery, but had a staph infection that left me extremely fatigued. I felt like a baby for being so mad that my husband had to spend our first few hours at home with our new one entertaining his family. They kept saying that they were going to buy us something big for the baby, and ended up buying a $25 stroller instead. Not that I’m not grateful, but they really said they would buy the crib and then never did (silence – so I went out and got it after the baby was born). My MIL laughingly informed me that she got me a book for free for my birthday because she got 2 for the price of one. I suppose I should be happy because she often forgets my birthday entirely, while moving heaven and earth to get a card to my husband on his birthday. I used to buy her nice presents but she would act disapproving that I had spent precious money (I guess my husband’s money?). One year we totally forgot her birthday and she had FIL call my husband to tell him how ‘upset’ she was. She’s not always toxic, but it is a chronic problem that she can’t seem to help.
Jus to clarify, they didn’t buy the stroller until the baby was several months old, after hemming and hawing about ‘what’ they should buy for months (I NEVER brought up the subject, but they seemed to enjoy making me listen). I just wish they wouldn’t make such a big deal about gifts/money. I would rather have had them just give us a card because they play such games. MIL has given her grandchildren’s gifts back saying she didn’t like the gifts and was being thoughtful by offering it back (so the grandchildren could enjoy it instead). I was raised by a mother who had a lot of social grace so this is frustrating for me. SIL is a complete life disaster who gets mom and dad to pay her payments when she is out of work (a lot). My husband used to let his parents enable him until together we set boundaries. They discouraged both of us from finishing college and I insisted that we finish. Now my husband has had great-paying skills/jobs that neither of his siblings were able to do. We married in our very early twenties and I think it was good to grow up together instead of getting more entangled in mom and dad relationships. My FIL thinks it’s unnecessary for my daughter to be in college (sigh), but we just ignore him. Why don’t they want the best for their family? Because they want everyone to think just like them and don’t understand that people might have different paths in life. My husband and I are concerned about his much older SIL wanting us to take care of her when elderly parents are gone. We joke about moving halfway across the world! These sites have been so helpful to me the last few years. I can’t thank you all for helping us know that we are not alone. One last sad fact – they didn’t attend my mother’s funeral. They will drive cross-country to go to several funerals a year of their friends and their side of the family, though.
I am involved with a man that I dated in Highschool. He pursued me through his brother six months ago. Was wonderful, attentive and we talked and talked about everything and anything.
As soon as he convinced me to move to another city and into his home, he became distant. He convinced me to sell all my furniture. Thank God, I stored my art work.
Just one month into the relationship, he told me he was not sexually attracted to me any longer. I was/am heartbroken. He says we are not compatable. I found out he has a long history of doing this to other women.
What type of person does this?
Lorraine, I’m so sorry you’ve been put through something like this. I can’t be sure of course and I’m not able to diagnosis this guy, but you might want to look up information on the Characteristics of a Psychopath or Sociopath, to read for yourself various signs that may indicate you’ve crossed paths with one.
This all hits so close to home. My husbands family are incredibly toxic, I have wanted to detach from these people for a long time. The problem I’m facing is that my husband is so well trained in his role as rescuer, that it is impossible for me to keep these people out of my home and life without ending my marriage. Our life and plans have become so obscured by the dramas that his family creates I feel like I’ve forgotten who I am, and my relationship with my husband is something that happens if there’s any time left over. If I try to discuss my feelings about the situation he becomes very defensive and uncharacteristically angry. A little while ago we did a parenting course together to address some issues with a teenage boy we care for sometimes (the half brother of my husbands son). Surprisingly the information we got from them helped my husband to understand a little about the dysfunction in his relationships with his adult family members. We began to set some small boundaries, but recently his mother was diagnosed with cancer and everything that we had set in place came crashing down and the problems intensified to an unbearable degree. I understand that his mothers illness is serious and that she needs his support, I really do, but she has become entitled to the point where she will walk into peoples houses and take what she wants without asking and expect that she won’t be challenged because she is having a hard time. She calls my husband at any time of the night and demands he drive an hour each way to do things like buy milk, because she’s afraid, and he does it. She needed to go to an info session on her treatment a week ago, and on the day my husband got so sick that he ended up in hospital, she called all day saying that she only wanted him to take her and refused to answer the phone to her niece who we had arranged to drive her. This behavior has been triggered a real situation, but she is only one of six family members who all behave in this entitled way towards him. we have had many of his family members move in with us for periods of time while they’re in “crisis” but have been too ineffective to move out again for months. They have created dramas out of nothing for the entire six years we’ve been together, and they always need my husband to solve it. And when I stand up for my space, my child, my right to decide how my time is spent, their dramas still invade my life, via my husband, who tells me how I’ve made them feel, that he doesn’t mind doing this stuff so leave it and, the most difficult for me to challenge, this is my family, I always want to be there for them. I feel the same about my family but there is “being there” and there is “being completely used up.” I don’t want to end my marriage. We have the potential for (and have had) a really fantastic relationship, but there are just too many dysfunctional people for me to manage. My health is suffering, I’m barely sleeping, I get anxiety when the phone rings and have started to have panic attacks. He just won’t deal with the situation, is leaving him my only way around this? or is there another approach I could try?
Hi Linda,
Leaving your husband is NOT the only way to deal with this situation of toxic family. In-laws specifically. For the moment, I want you to take a verrry big deeeeep breath and let it out verrrrry slowly. Do it again, please. Okay, now…
It’s pretty clear to me that boundaries in your marriage relationship to your husband are being trampled on and stomped on. And your husband is allowing it to happen, for his numerous “reasons”. I’ve read your message Linda like 5 times now, to make sure I really understand, and I believe I do. I see a couple of different problems in the family dynamics, and when they’re all put together in one big pile (like what you feel overwhelming you), chaos ensues. Emotions become raw, feelings and expectations becomes so hurt and damaged for a variety of reasons, that it’s often difficult to see through the ummm dung.
For now, please stop thinking or even considering leaving your husband over this. You love him. You want the chaos to stop, and to feel like you are your husband’s priority as it should be. You want your MIL to receive the love, care and attention she needs, but not at the total/complete expense of everyone else, their lives and marriages.
Plainly put, your MIL entering homes and taking things that don’t belong to her needs to be addressed and dealt with. Firmly but lovingly and with respect. But not by you; by your husband, since he is the blood relative. If it happens in other sons/daughter’s homes, the blood relative needs to confront the situation with the MIL firmly but with respect. It must not be tolerated, excused or dismissed as nothing. Her actions are inexcusable, cancer or no cancer. Life threatening illnesses do not provide legitimate excuses for bad behavior, misuse of power within relationships, and down-and-dirty manipulative tactics to get her way.
Not only do I see manipulation and control tactics being used by the MIL in a variety of ways, but I also see your husband’s misplaced idea that his “rescuing” everyone in the family in one way or another is actually having substantial negative affects on himself and you, and the ones he thinks he’s “helping” or rescuing. Your husband is an enabler, Linda.
Being there for family is one thing. There are many ways of helping family and friends etc, but being someone’s doormat to use and abuse and walk all over and mistreat with unrealistic expectations/demands/wants etc, is not part of “being there for family”. Your husband needs to learn the Difference Between Helping and Enabling people, regardless of who “they” are.
His priority is to you, his wife, and your children. Everyone else, and I mean everyone……else, comes after that. Before God and Witnesses, he vowed on your wedding day to be your loving, caring, cherishing husband. He promised in his vows to you to fulfill the role of husband and all that being a good husband means. Putting you on the sidelines, while he “helps” everyone else and to the detriment of your health and relationship with him, is wrong. Plain and simple, it’s wrong.
If you and/or your husband attend any religious services of any kind, I would highly recommend speaking with your minister and ask for his help in these matters. Your husband needs to read and learn what Enabling is about. Often, Enabling is associated solely with parenting adult children, but enabling can happen with anyone we know or meet in our lives. Sometimes adult children enable their aging/elderly parents, in a variety of ways, and it sure sounds to me like your husband is enabling his mother big time. And she’s taking advantage of every minute of it, perhaps because it’s ONE way of getting lots and lots of attention.
Rather than thinking about splitting up with your husband, do what you can to help your husband come to understand what it means to be an Enabler, and how his attitude/behavior regarding his mother and others he’s been “helping”, really hasn’t been helpful at all. It’s been putting his/your marriage in danger. Good luck Linda, and please feel free to comment more here on this topic if you wish. I have many, MANY, articles on this site about Enabling. Primarily focused on parents who enable their adult children, but if you and your husband read them in relation to your own situations, I trust you’ll see a common denominator in them. Hang in there. It really can get better.
Hi, Linda.
I know what you’re dealing with and how difficult it is for you. If you have read any of my posts, you will see that the problem I have is with my husband’s sons and now his ex. Same drama. Same rescuing. Unfortunately, for men like this, it doesn’t seem to stop because they feel guilty or responsible for their families and keep rescuing them. I hope you and your husband can go back to a program that will help him deal with this feeling of having to rescue his toxic family. It certainly is not healthy to have such stress in your life without having a negative effect on you and your marriage.
What worries me about what you have said is that your husband may not be able to stop rescuing his family because he wants to be needed by them. I feel this is what we are going through. Our husbands’ self-worth may be tied to what they feel they must do for their families. God forbid, if your mother-in-law passes on from complications of her cancer, the rescuing may accelerate. He may start finding substitutes for her in his family and will help them even more than now.
Hopefully, more intensive therapy is the answer (if he goes along with it). Some men see this as weakness so won’t participate. I pray that yours will be able to seek help that will help solve this problem.
My prayers go with you, and hope it didn’t sound negative on my part.
Lynn will give you so many ideas for both of you so I’ll leave that to her. Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone.
Hi Betty,
The word “rescuing” jumped out at me too in Linda’s message above, amongst other things. What keeps coming to mind is a recent request from a reader to write an article about helping, enabling, rescuing etc etc.., but where I include Biblical/Scriptural scripture texts for Christian parents specifically to share with their grown children who are constantly asking for money or “help” of some kind.
The difficulty in it is that enabling/helping/rescuing involves so many areas of life, husband roles and wife roles, and the responsibility to care for aging/elderly parents as needed etc. I’ve given serious thought to writing the article as I’ve been asked to, but I haven’t gotten all of my thoughts together in order to write the article on this site in a way that makes sense, and applies to all family relationships. I don’t know; we’ll see.
Thanks, Lin.
I will pray for you in your endeavors in writing an article that will cover so many people! I know you will succeed and I’ll be looking for it!
Some of my own questions:
Would enabling and toxicity have become such issues if people in this country still worked together in family businesses and farms in the same towns as they did so many years ago? Maybe it always existed, but with the internet we are hearing of it more often.
It sure seems that enabling has become an epidemic! Was it the depression that had children vowing to give the children THEY had in the 40′s-on more than they ever had? Was it guilt? Was it T.V. with its constant barage of commercials telling parents to buy, buy, buy, thus spoiling the new generatons? Was it people like Dr. Spock who, in his ignorance, told parents to let their children express themselves to the point that they became undisciplined, spoiled brats? Was it becoming friends with children instead of parenting as should be done for balance? Not giving boundaries so children could learn to be self-disciplined, responsible, and mature? Has secularism had a part in where we are? What about the effect of our politicians and celebrities with their behaviors that may be confusing to our children? What about the scandals in our churches? What has all of that taught the generations that came after WWII?
This sure opens up a lot of thought into how we evolved as a nation after WWII! Sorry! Sometimes I get too deep and ask too many questions where there are no answers.
Betty
Hi Betty, I wanted to let you and others here know I’ve published my article about parents enabling adult children, from a Christian perspective. It can found right here at Christian Parenting, Parenting Adult Children. Enjoy, comment, ask questions etc.
I am living with my parents who are blind. It is very hard for me to take care of them and try to have my own life at the same time. My sister who is married and lives in Connecticut does not want to seem to help me. My mother and I do not get along. She is treating me like a two-year old and basically controlling my life. She is telling my what career I should be in and what to eat and things like that. I also have to drive my parents everywhere’s and they do not want to except help from other people. I want to move out, but I am afraid that they are going to bother me even more. I can not go on living like this. I need help and advice.
This is a good one. I moved in with a fellow I had dated in High School.
I had him checked out and everybody told me what a fantastic guy he is. He was great to me while we were dating back and forth. I moved in with him and less than a month he became frustrated with me and would yell at me if I asked him a question. He pushed me away and then told me he was not interested in me sexually.
What kind of man does this and how do guys like this get away without any repercussions.
Oh, how familiar this seems! I am currently struggling with the toxic in-laws. The problem is that even though my husband can see how his family treats him and knows that it isn’t right, they always guilt him into responding to their needs.
My husband works and off-shift, and so he sleeps during the day. This does not stop his family (mother, father, and brother) from calling at any hour so that he can fix their problem: his brother doesn’t have enought money for gas, his father needs him to drive 30 minutes one way in order to make a tuna fish sandwich or buy him soda, or his parents need us to take out a loan for them because they are behind on car payments.
While we have successfully avoided taking out loans (we can’t afford it!), the little expenses keep adding up. $50 here for groceries, $20 for a prescription, and so on. My husband and I are not rich–we work hard for every penny. Of course, before I met my husband, his family successfully stole nearly $10,000 from him by taking credit cards out in his name as well as defaulting on loans that he had co-signed. This is after he willingly gave them $15,000 for a down payment on a house and put his brother through college.
It seems like the toxicity goes through cycles. It gets so bad that my husband threatens to stop having contact with them and then they behave for a while, until the next drama occurs. My husband has been screamed at, reminded of everything his parents ever did for him as a child, told that if his father commits suicide it will be his fault, etc.
How do I help my husband with this? I feel like I need to do something, but I don’t know what. It is easy for me to avoid them, and that is how I’ve chosen to end relationships in the past. But my husband can’t do this. And it’s hard for me to confront them, both because I don’t like confrontation and because they try very, very hard not to pull any of this crap in front of me. They know that I can’t be guilted into anything and so they treat me very nicely.
I want to help my husband make a decision that his good for him personally and for our relationship. I don’t want to force him to break off contact, even though I feel that this would be best.
We’ve only been married for three years–how much more can we take?
Hi Jessica,
While reading your comment I began to wonder how old your boyfriend’s parents are? Are they “elderly” in the sense of being perhaps 60+ years old and need some level of assistance in their daily lives? It struck me that me from when you said they’ve asked for your bf to come fix him/them a sandwich. IF his parents are “elderly parents” then we may need to be discussing a completely different subject: helping elderly parents but without giving up your own lives.
If they’re not elderly per se, plus the matter of his brother’s asking for help in various ways, is it possible the problems going on are more about your BF being an Enabler? I’m not suggesting that their aren’t toxicity problems going on, but I get the feeling there is more about this than meets the eye. I’ve written a lot about parents who are enablers of their grown adult children but I haven’t broached the subject on the flip side.
Hi Lin,
No, my husband’s parents are not elderly. However, they are not in the best of health. They are both in their early to mid-50s and morbidly obese. His father also suffers from uncontrolled diabetes.
However, this control is not a recent phenomenon. My husbad started paying “rent” ($25/week) when he was 12 years old. This increased to nearly $100/week when he was in high school. My husband worked on his grandfather’s farm full time in the summers and for about 20 hours during the school year. (This is in addition to playing sports all year long–soccer, hockey, baseball, and boxing–all to fulfill his father’s own dreams.) He paid for all of his own wants and needs (clothes, car, etc.).
I think that you are right about my husband being an enabler. He is definitely a person whose self-esteem is based on how others feel about him. He wants to make everyone happy.
However, my husband is not the only one that his family uses. They are constantly receiving money from their church in order to pay their bills or buy food. All the while they manage to always pay the cable bill and the rental bill for the 42 inch TV.
He needs to stop letting his parents get away with using him to fuel their uncontrolled spending.
You and your husband have YOUR life to live. You need to go talk to somebody as they will tell you that your life is separate from the inlaws. Their lack or respect is childish and unfair. Your hubby has to tell them that he loves them, but there are boundaries and they must respect them. It has to come from your husband. People thrive on Drama! I left a relaltionship because the siblings thrived on DRAMA.
If you hubby does not have the backbone to do this, you will live with this as long as you are married.
I feel for you!
Oh my! I guess I never thought of myself as being “elderly” because I’m well over 60! A lot of us work full time jobs and are vital, active people. That aside, some parents, no matter how old or young they are, manipulate their kids by being very needy. I saw this for years because of parents who had to be in control mode all of the time. This manipulation seems to fulfill the need to control every aspect of their kids’ lives, but actually makes everyone miserable.
My guess is that they think their son will move away from them emotionally and possibly physically and ignore them. Just a guess. If, however, they are control freaks, anything he does that takes the attention away from them may be seen as losing control. So sad. Too bad people don’t see that they can share their kids. It is difficult to lose a son to a girlfriend or wife, but I try to see it as enriching our lives. This is especially true when there are grandchildren involved. We have gained family members and love them to pieces! Sure hope this works out somehow. If not, now’s the time to tell the parents it’s time to move on into another phase of life.
In the past when I was dealing with a toxic person instead of standing up for myself I would just be agreeable or say nothing at all just to end the whole conversation/situation, “avoiding” was my middle name. I became an easy target for these kind of people and I couldn’t figure it out. Why were there so many people bullying me? I found that the way I was acting was helping them feel extremely comfortalbe to walk all over me and treat me like garbage and it actually prolonged the situation that I was trying to avoid. I just wouldn’t challenge them at all. Then I found a beautiful word that I would have never considered using before because I felt it was asking for more unwanted dialog.
This magic word is WHY?
I started asking clarifing questions: Why do you feel this way?
Why are you so angry at him/her? What exactly did he/she do to you?
Why do I feel like you just don’t like me? Why do you think I am setting you up? Why do you insist on one on one meetings with my husband? Why is this important to you? Why do you think that?
Why do you exclude me by making plans when you know I will not be able to attend? Why isn’t this a good idea? Why don’t you think this will help? Why don’t you treat your step-grandchildren the same as the others? Why are you acting like _ _ _ _ _ _ (be specific). I get the feeling that you don’t consider the step-grandchildren as important as the others because you don’t invite them on outings w/the others, why is that?
When there is unnecessary gossip, I started to ask for clarification because I found that usually they are speaking 1/2 truth or something that they completely made up in their mind out of insecurity.
Such as:
Who told you this? When did they do this?
How many times have they done this? (It might have been just one time that the offence was committed but they will use words such as “always”, “never”, etc.)
Treat them as if you are an investigator at a crime scene. When, where, what, how, etc. Then make them answer the question. They will try to get you off of the subject, but go back and say, you never answered that question I asked you. Every time I have used this form of communication with a toxic person, they usually can’t even answer me. They get flustered because they are not in control of the conversation anymore. After a while the person starts to avoid me, especially with their garbage because they know that I will want too many details and they may be revealed.
My sister in law is a toxic person. I regret not letting her have it sooner. Now going through a nasty divorce, my brother has to deal with her manipulation of their young daughter who lives with her. To top it off, my neice has other siblings (whose fathers have nothing to do with) that poison her mind and teach her hatred. Throughout the divorce, I stayed in contact with my sister in law for the sake of my neice. While she was usually cordial with me, she never let me see my neice. I had to draw the line with her when she had a strange person call me to ask me questions about something to do with the divorce–the person stating to me “we don’t want your neice to be homeless.” If I could have reached through the phone, I would have–I won’t mention it here. Needless to say, I let her have it. She was schocked at how I reacted, but I realized at that moment her interests were only her own and how much of a malicious, manipulating person she really is. I understand some of her anger towards my brother (as he has also made plenty of mistakes), but one thing I know is my brother is not malicious or evil spirited–he needs to work on his self esteem and step up and fight (though I understand why he feels defeated). I realize that I cannot change other people. My problem is I feel like I am unable to help this poor child — and — how do I help my sibling when his anger, depression and feelings of helplessness get the better of him? This, of course, is upsetting my mother because she worries about him. So now I have someone else who is suffering because of this. I tried to explain to my mother that she is enabling my brother by not encouraging him to be independent. She does everything for him. I realize this is part of being a mother, but she babys him, while putting up with his behavior of lashing out at people because he is angry. It’s difficult to disassociate myself as I feel I have an obligation to support and help them, but they these situations are making me ill. Any thoughts?
I just left a toxic relationship of 12 years. Funny thing is…I was made out to be the toxic one. By the time I left (3 months ago) I was like a withdrawn shell of myself. I came to realize he manipulated me constantly right where he wanted me & I wasn’t even aware of it. I left when I learned the truth about him; he is a full blown sociopath. Horrible. Now I’m out of there and starting completely over from scratch with nothing and a whole lot of unpaid bills. Wish me luck and good luck to you.
Holly
I posted this on another site without much help. After reading this post and all the wonderful comments I decided this is where I would get the help I so desperately need.
I am a 35 year old woman, and the 5th of 7 children. I dont even know where to begin….other than my “family” has always hated me…from the time I was a child. I wont go back into all the gory details of the 35 year history of mental, verbal and physical abuse I have endured. Rather just touch here and there on a few things thats happened during that time…
A little about “them”:
They are 99% (all 4 brothers and youngest sister) alcoholics and drug addicts, my older sister is a mental case whom I swear has split personalities because you never know which “person” you are gonna talk to from one conversation to the next. They all have multiple children, most by different mothers/fathers. My older brother ( 50 years old )beat me up last year while visiting my mother, he was coming down from meth…I had no idea the effects these drugs have because I have never experimented with any of them. My younger sister is currently living with my ex fiance ( she is the reason we called it off!)She has always dated my ex’s I have no idea why. It hurt me when she done it each time, and I told her so , but she didn’t seem to care. They all bounce from one dead end job to another…always complaining about their money situation , or lack of money I should say and their lives in general. Its not my fault!
I am always excluded from gatherings, barbecues, birthday parties etc. ( not that I would go, but it would be nice to be invited) But at the first sign of family drama, that they create 9 times out of 10, I am included in their “soap operas” via phone , Facebook and email. None of them are anything like me. Yet some how whatever is going on is my fault? I dont have a relationship with any of them anymore.I am done with it all. I feel as if I am the only normal one in the family.
A little about me:
I was an honor student, graduated high school at age 15 and on my own since then. I met a great guy who is now my husband, we have 2 children, a son and a daughter. We have a nice home, are financially stable and choose to stay out of the family drama that always seems to be going on. We dont drink or do drugs. Never have. We have always given our children what our parents werent able to give us. We have always spent our money wisely, not on drugs and the like. So “they” think we spoil our children. Are “rich and snooty” because we choose a different path in life. We are seriously contemplating selling our home and moving almost 1,000 miles away to be rid of all of them in the summer. But I really am torn because my mother is getting older and has a lot of health issues.
We tried to have a “family” meeting of sorts during one of my mother’s illness’s and it didnt go to well. Its hard to talk rationally with people that stay intoxicated or high nearly 24/7, I kinda listened while my older sister was doing most of the talking. But still got cussed out just for being there…I wasnt part of the “family”, I had no right to be there. According to them. Even though my older sister and I had been the one caring for Mom since she got sick. They never even tried. I have visited over the years since I left home. Until my mom got sick last year, then I had to be there daily, she needed alot of care and a nursing home wasnt an option. I took an exteneded leave from work and drove 2hrs each way to take care of her during the day until my older sister got off work to take over for the evening so I could go back home for the night. I was just there caring for her when my brother started beating me up last summer, my mother is the one that called the police.
The thing that is really strange to me, it isnt a “feud” , at least on my end. Its alot more to the story, but the whole reason I left home at 15 after I graduated early was to be away from them. It was unbearable living around them one second longer. I dont “argue” with any of them, its pointless.
I have completely distanced myself form all of them, since my mother has recovered some. They all live off my mother except for my sisters. So it made it hard to stay away when Mom needed so much care. Its been over 2 1/2 months now since I have been able to see my mother because of them. I talk to her on the phone daily, but its not the same. She understands why I have always choose stay away. But still kinda makes me feel guilty for not being there for her more.
I just dont understand why they hate me so much? Why me? Why not discuss what they “think” I did with me and work through it as adults? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
I think you’ll have to do what I did with family members who were/are toxic. Stay away! They aren’t going to change. You and your husband and kids need to just live your lives in peace and leave the rest alone. I would certainly continue to talk to your mom everyday, but she understands so you don’t need to feel guilty if you don’t see her as often as you both would like. Maybe you and your husband can schedule a visit and take your mother to another location to for a few hours or a day. No easy solution for this problem, that’s for sure.
Virginia, some people (a lot of people) actually thrive on drama, regardless of the why, who, etc. It doesn’t matter to the family members who are acting this way towards you the “why” they act the way they do. As long as there is drama, conflict, he said/she said etc…the toxic relationship thrives on the drama. Some people actually CREATE drama where there is none, just for the sake of having the “high” of conflict. Alcohol and drugs of course creates another level to the problems. There is no reasoning with people addicted to drugs/alcohol and/or drama situations. The more attention brought to the problems in the family, or with the specific people involved (even the innocent persons), simply helps to feed the drama going on. There are people in this crazy world of ours that are known as extreme narcissists, otherwise known as pathological narcissists. The whole world revolves around them – the world in general and the people in it “owe” them whatever they want/need at the time, which continually changes at their whim.
As Betty said, complete and total avoidance of these toxic family members that bring nothing but emotional and mental and physical harm to others is the only solution. Let them rant and rave and gossip and whatever else they choose to do. Avoid them completely. Don’t accept their calls, don’t reply to their emails, simply block them out of your life. Stay in touch with your mother as best you can, see her and visit with her as often as possible, but with advance planning that such visits will be without any toxic person around. If you can bring your mother to your home for brief or short term visits (weekends, a week or so?), then do that and enjoy every moment of your time together. During your visits with her, avoid discussing the family problems and toxicity and gossip going around etc, but focus all your time and attention on happy/pleasant things and all positive. I would also suggest that if by chance your mom brings up certain situations or gossip heard etc, kindly and respectfully change the subject or if need be, kindly let her know that you’d rather not discuss such things as they only bring you down mentally and emotionally. You can only do what you can do, so guilting yourself or feeling guilty about the time spent with your mother doesn’t help anyone, so focus on positive things between you and your mom and let that be enough.
Thanks Betty & Lin for your advice.
I would love to spend/plan more time with my mom, but the problem is that all of them , except for my 2 sisters, live with and off of her, they rarely work, so they are there all the time. I cant bring her to our home because she is bascially home bound. She does go out to the grocery store with my older sister sometimes, but that is seldom because she is in a wheelchair now. So my only option is to visit with her at her house. That is where I have the concern, especially after the beating from my older brother last summer. The only time I have really spent with her was during her hospitalizations since then, she has been home 2 1/2 months now, I havent seen her at all in that time period.
I’m scared to go to her house around them, even for a few minutes. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but I am. I guess thats where the guilt I have comes in. I dont’ know how to spend any time with her at this point. Im so emotionally torn by that though, because her doctors dont know how long she has left to live and feel like I should be spending as much time with her as I can…so how is that even possible if I am scared to be in her house?
Virginia, Lin always gives good advice and you can be sure she knows what she’s talking about!
Please take her advice and do what you have to do to avoid these family members, AND find a way to visit with your mother. You can do it!
Don’t forget that the way this plays out also has an effect on your OWN kids. They see and hear all that transpires and are learning all the time. If you want them to grow up with positive ideas about what a family is, please don’t expose them to so much of the trauma that seems evident in this situation. They’ll have enough on their plates just growing up. I know we can’t insulate our kids from everything, but they don’t need more than they can understand right now.
Just make your time with your kids the best it can be and they’ll know love and acceptance.
Good luck!
Wow…its been since March 31st since I left the above comments and boy have things have changed, mostly good, until last night…
Betty & Lin, I took your advice shut all of them out, blocked their numbers, deleted their Facebook friendship…the whole nine yards. although, a couple of them managed to use other people’s phones to contact me via text, it hasnt been nearly as bad or often as it once was. Life has been so calm, and almost 100% stress free, if not for me coping with the fact that I still havent seen my mother and her illness weighing on me, it would be 100% stress free! I was so shocked at the level of stress I must have had to notice this much of a difference once it was gone.
Then last night…I got a call from my Mothers number, expecting it to be her, I answered my phone, to my disbelief, it was my older sister, whom I havent spoken too since March, apparently Mom took a turn for the worse, was hospitalized for over a week in early June and sent back home a couple weeks ago to die, with stage 4 terminal liver cancer, and the lady has never drank alcohol a day in her life! =( Hospice has been called in, and she has an in home nurse again. I had been trying to call Mom during that time, with no answer, little did i know “they” ( the siblings) were there and wouldnt answer the phone to let me know what was going on. I just knew that was gonna happen though, when I shut them out. “They seen the number on the phone when I called but choose not to answer”, according to my older sister that is.
During the conversation with her, she had the same attitude with me she has always had, wanted me to bring her money for Mom, I asked her “what Mom could possibly need my money for? She has her own money, She had just received her Social Security check a little over a week ago and I paid her bills online through her bank, so I knew there was more than enough money left to cover what she could need in the bank.” (I think the asking for money thing, was just a ploy to start her crap.)
Thats when all hell broke loose….she started screaming at me, “You havent seen Mom in months, you are never here, I work all day and then have to come help take care of her for a couple hours when I get off work. The other sibilings are here 24/7 and you should be ashamed of yourself, you are nothing but a piece of shit, you blocked my number like it mattered to me, no wonder why I hate your effin ass, we all do..,.” this went on for a couple of minutes…then a switch went off in my head…I was shaking,…I lost it…I screamed louder than she was….”Do you hear yourself? After what all of you put me through in my life, and this last year and a half was one of the worst ones I can remember, you expect me to just keep taking your BS? Im done taking any of your crap, or any of the other “siblings” crap!, Do I feel guilty for not being there for Mom, hell yes, but she and I have discussed why I cant be and as hard as it is for both of us, I cant change it because of you all being crazy! I couldnt take it anymore, so if that makes me a bad person for saying enough is enough with the abuse I endured from you whack jobs then I guess I am one bad B***H…but at least I own it!” and I hung up on her. She called back, over and over, and I didnt answer the phone…I turned it off.
Now, my dilemma is…how the heck am I gonna live with myself after Mom passes away if Im not there for her before she goes? I have always been there for her, through everything she has been through, and God knows the poor lady has had a rough life, I endured the abuse from the rest of the siblings for her sake , but I just cant do it anymore. .
I to, have experienced a toxic sister in law. she married my brother and has since tried everything in her power to come between all of us kids and our parents. i have always been very close to my brothers and my mom and dad. she told my parents i was supposidly talking behind everyones back bad about my family……long story short, i was disowned for over 14 years. i never turned bitter and stayed clear of all of them relizing, that God and good always prvails and the Truth will always win. out of the blue, my dad calls me to chrismas and i am back with them closer than ever. of course that sister in law is still very distint, and a backstabber, i ignore her and just act like nothing ever happened. she is a vinvictive, and evil person. but, i am the winner here by just always trying to just do the right thing. God always will honor that and the truth will always be revealed..maybe not right away, but always in His perfect time. I pray you all have peace within and God bless this site i found to share love where love can be shown.
on the above comment, i ment to click notify me of followup comments via email. if possible please do that, thank you so much. lindsey
Hi Lindsey, you’ll have to do that. I don’t have a way of editing it so you’re subscribed to further comments or replies. Sorry!
Hi: This information is so helpful to me. I have a very dysfunctional family. I have for 25 years of marriage while raising our son and daughter been the dutiful daughter to my parents. My father is a verably abusive alcoholic. My mother is very much an enabler to him and my 4 brothers. I am the only girl in the bunch. After several years of keeping distance from my siblings my husband and I allowed 3 of my brothers and their families back into our home to attend our Christmas party. During this party my neice snuck in vodka in water bottles and proceeded to get drunk with my nephew then they offerd their alcohol to other teenagers in our home. My husband and I do not allow under age drinking in our home. We had two teenage children of our own at the time who alerted us to what was going on. This experience outraged my husband and I and we have not seen our family for many years since this happened. Due to the fact that I have made it clear that I will no longer attend family gatherings or host them in our home my family has been brutal. Especially my parents and 2 of my siblings. This is just one of many horrific circumstances that I have dealt with my entire life. My father who I only see about 4 times a year is very rude to me and will lash out at me at every event I ask him to attend. My daughter and son will be graduaring from college this year and I always thought it would be nice to include their grand parents in the ceremony. But I also have my doubts because of the way he treasts me. My husnabd get so upset becasue he has seen this horror for so many years now and he really does not like the way my family treats me. I will keep this information handy and re-read it often.
Fascinating stuff. I have been on the receiving end of a toxic person, a single woman of 42 who admitted to me that she was a feminist and that she had ‘issues’ with men. At first we just met for walks, and the relationship soon developed into a sexual one. I thought it strange that she insisted on ‘being on top’ and never engaging in any foreplay towards me. And then the lovemaking would last for hours without me being allowed any conclusion. Then she would spend the week alone and being evasive about making plans to meet, until the following week, when the whole sexual drama would arise again. Then came the accusations, of me being a ‘bad’ man and having a ‘shady past’. She would go crazy if I so much as looked at another woman, and would deliberately press my buttons, accusing me of being elsewhere and a liar. At one point, I thought I was going insane. I have never met a person so delusional. She told me she was awaiting counselling to address why she kept attracting lying cheating men into her life. I would often explode with her and point out her selfish, manipulative, controlling behaviour, both in and out of the bedroom, but she would turn it round and accuse me of abusing her! When we met, I told her that I liked her and she sent a text message asking me if I would like to be her lover, and if so, she would put me on a training course to teach me how to make love to a woman like her! Shortly before the relationship ended, she told me to visit my G.P. and ask for some viagra. I have actually been left very damaged by the whole experience. She was very clever in manipulating situations to make me look like the abuser and never even attempted to take responsibility for her attitude or the things she said to me. Its very subtle and it’s only now that the situation is n more that I can see that I was taken in, practically raped, and mentally and emotionally abused. And as a 50 year old man with experience of life, I can honestly say I feel ashamed that I didn’t see things clearly and get out of it immediately. She appears to be fine, totally lacking in emotion or sorrow, and is carrying on with her life as if nothing took place, and wearing the badge of ‘victim’. It’s very frightening to think that people cannot see the damage that they cause to others, although she did admit at the beginning that she had a problem with men due to the abusive relationships she had been in earlier in her life. I now think that her behaviour is deliberate and vengeful and that she is attempting to mentally and emotionally castrate men for what has happened to her in the past. I may need couselling to get over it and some of the things she did and said. Anyone reading this, please be aware. The fallout is worse than physical violence. At least if its not too severe, healing takes place in time, but with mental and emotional bullying and controlling behaviour, the scars run much much deeper. Anyone like to share on this one I would love to hear from you as I’m having to deal with this on my own and am feeling isolated. Best wishes.
Steve, by all means do see someone who can at least validate who you are and you will find as I did, that you are a good person (perhaps too trusting) and you will be able to get on with your life. I had to step back after my divorce and get in touch with who I was before I got married to realize that I was ok! Maybe that would help you in some way.
Sometimes it’s better to find a soul mate who has good character traits that are more attractive than just someone you have sex with. Not that it isn’t important, but once the initial attraction wears off, what’s left? Have to have something to build on.
This website was wonderful!!!! I finally had to come to the conclusion that my mother is toxic along with a few other family members. Through the years I had had to go to therapy for depression and not wanting to live. I wished my mother never had a child and I wished I never was born. When I was 14 my mothers new boyfriend and then husband began sexually abusing me and making my life hell. When I was in my 20′s I finally had a fight with my mother and told her everything he had done to me….all she could say was why did you not tell me sooner. She stayed with him and told me to forgive and forget and that it was my fault also and that he did those things because he was drunk. I was expected to deal with him the rest of the time…all family functions and so on. I thought I was the bad person for not forgiving him. But what really hurt was that my mom did not stick up for me……..the only time she made him go to prison was when he attacked her….when he did all the things he did to me including coming after me with a knife threatening to kill me with her in the room doing nothing…..she did nothing……..I was the bad person. Years later, I found out my father was a pedophile because he was doing things to my niece and nephew and I stood up and made a scene……My mother then became jealous of the good relationship I had with my niece and nephew and started blaming me for everything saying I was a horrible person. My brother did not allow me to see the children unattended and when I had enough my mother finally told me in an outburst that she was going to take revenge on me and she would take those children away from me. Well, they still love me and the rest of my family thinks I am dirt. My mother has told them lies and made me the scapegoat. I never realized that a mother could do this to her child……..I ended the relationship with her and my family two years ago and she is still going behind my back saying horrible things about me making me to be a rotton person. My niece is now getting the venom and she finally told a therapist who said my mother has a personality disorder…….I feel relieved..someone believes me………….I went to therapy for years just to live on this planet……and it is still hard to exist knowing that my own mother hates me so much and would wish me harm but to the outside world she is a lovely christian woman……thanks for this website…..it has helped me and my niece and nephew understand toxic people and the damage they do! I hope one day to rid my self of all the guilt I feel for divorcing my family. Thanks for this website!!!!
Is there anybody out there who has been manipulated, controlled and abused by a sibling and nobody believes them?
Yes. Thankfully, my husband and my sister believed me but many acquaintances and some family did not. I had to change churches and make new friends.
This has really opened my eyes to just how toxic my younger sister is. She is a year younger than me is has always wanted to have things her way. If they weren’t then she would start some type of nonsense to call whatever type of attention on herself. She has just recently on the advice of a counselor cut all of us out of her life. My parents are heartbroken, as well as I am, but at the same time I’m almost relieved. She never cared about what was happening in anyone else life, just hers. I’m headed to my parents house for a visit and I’m kinda glad that I won’t have to worry about seeing her.
Yeah unfortunately this is very true. I have been codependant with this man for the last six years and I know the constant stress of the roller coaster ride has caused me to become very ill. I now have a sleep disorder and Thyroid disease because of it. We aren’t even together but we see each other (not even sexually) once a week, he only wants to be friends. I have tried to get away along time ago, but now I feel unable to muster up some strength to leave. I know I still care for him and will go back, but it has cost me my health and I don’t doubt I will have some other health problem soon because of the stress on my body. I know it can cause me to feel so bad about my behavour and self that I can feel physically ill, anxious, grinding my teeth, coffee and smoking addiction etc. Bit I figure there’s no point talking to him cause he will just dismiss it and then go and do something to upset me again,then find ways to get my attention again. Tragic, and I feel very ashamed I can’t walk away and continue to accept bad behavour. I feel pathetic
Oh, Virginia! I’m so sorry that your Mother is so ill and you can’t see her right now much less talk to her. Just know in your heart that she loves you and understands why you can’t be there. Pray for her and know that she will be free of all of the pain and sadness that she has had to suffer through all of this.
We will pray for YOU and for her!! You have our love and support as you go through this difficult time! Never forget that you have done nothing wrong! Personally, I believe you also had the right to be angry with your sister.
Toxic people never realize how they destroy relationships. They only know how to blame others for how their lives have played out. Don’t blame yourself!
Take care! God bless you always!
I am very glad to have stumbled across this article! It appears that a lot of us are waking up when it comes to detoxing. I won’t bore folks with too many details except to say that it was only when I unfriended said relative on Facebook that I heard from them/they perhaps sensed something was wrong–and of course, the feedback I got was a note (on Facebook) with severe poor me undertones. “So saddened that you are no longer my friend–blah blah blah.” It’s hard to be done with people who’ve spent so much time as a part of your life, but the alternative (in my case, everything from heartbreak to outright rage) is no longer healthy for me–I’m expecting a child under the best possible circumstances (supportive work, husband and the like) but said relative has not acknowledged this news–and I have learned through my parents that in some crazy way, said relative does not support our choice to have a child–and has begun to terrorize my folks who are far more tolerant than I will ever be AGAIN! So I’ve taken myself out of the equation and am choosing to focus on people who will love and support this news. Funny how social networking plays such a creepy role these days, ain’t it? Keep on keepin on everyone! Brand new days await us all!!
This website is great. I came to the realisation a few years ago (I’m in my mid 20′s) that my mother was a toxic person. Constant negativity and snide subtle putdowns, massive mood swings seemed to be normal to me growing up. The frustrating thing for me is that even though I now realise what has gone on, I can’t seem to shake off my subconscious social anxiety, particularly around women.
My daughters, daughter, my granddaughter had a daughter not relizing she was pregnent, the baby is a girl born 1lb 13oz. she was 17 lives at home with parent, and brought in a boyfreind, the run the house hold, my daughter is affraid if she kicks them out she’ll never see the baby again or if she’ll be taken care of , meanwhile this youg couple is running a muck, my daughter needs to be stronge and let them go the baby is almost two, and of course my daughter and her husband have be come attached , what do I do for her Please
I just would like to thank you all for keep this site running. It has validated me in ways you will never know. Right now I am in the midst of toxicity with a sibling, a parent, a relationship with a man that just ended. In one way shape or form all behaved identical to the others. It’s all too long to get into so I will spare you all the drama. I will say, however, that I am disabled and not having the support of those family members in particular is hard.
Not too long ago I got into an argument with a sibling about moving in with a parent who moved in with the sibling. Both have toxic behavioral tendencies and with my situation I always hoped for the best and that they would see my situation not as an opportunity for them to manipulate but for them to help. The parent lived near me but moved to live with said sibling because “the Lord told her to.” After the argument, said sibling called to apologize saying, “I usually don’t have conversations like that with people I don’t like,” and throughout the apology said nothing of my situation or feelings but only their’s and how it made them feel. Now I know, there is nothing to cure a poison of toxic behavior unless the person infected realizes what they are doing. Truth be told? Toxic people are often narcissistic and prideful. If pride cometh before a fall, I don’t want them holding me down when they take a tumble. None of them.
Hang in there Bella, it does get better once the toxic people aren’t allowed the time or space to hurt you anymore.
This has been real good for me to read tonight! I have just about had it with almost everyone in my family. I love them but now know I cant “change them” My dad is so depressing and always gives me guilt trip over everything, my mother is hot and cold torwards me and I just dont get her.. ( they are divorced) my brother owes me 15,000 and wont talk to me or pay me back,. My sister is always just wanting to fight and be so easy to set off…. thing is.. Im married i have 3 beautiful children and I dont want them to see or hear what I have gone throught my whole life. Its been nothing but emotional chaos and affecting me in so many different ways… but mail thing is also I feel guilty feeling this way torwards them,,, But im 34 now and nothing has changed only myself is the one who keeps getting hurt feelings or sad or mad… Any advice??? thanks so so much!! christy
I hope this post gets answered the comments are pretty old. I was searching last night about sibling rivalry in adulthood. jealousy amongst adult siblings and what not and I finally found the right term to use. Me and my sister Tika believe we have a toxic sister. I am the middle sister and mateka is one year below me and our toxic sister is 3 years my senior.
It seemed all along she always had some type of problem with me, I can tell in the way she say stuff. I believe she is jealous of me and mateka relationship alot. We came a long way ourselves but now we are at a point where we communicate better and have respect for each others opinions and wishes. Our toxic sister does not.
(Tika)Shes always points out the wrongs and faults in everybody and she doenst even have room to talk. Whenever me or my sister make mistakes she capitalizes it like she has never done wrong. When the truth is she has made plenty of mistakes some even worse than either of us. She manipulates my mom into believing everything she says n when I try to tell my mom, she doesn’t believe me. I am 4 yrs younger than her so when we were growing up we were never close. She was never there for me as a big sister. Whenever I tried to confide in her she put my business out to the rest of family to make me look bad. She never gave any positive advice like a big sister should. It seems like all she does is wait for me to mess up so she can have some to say. I never understood what her problem was with me I never did anything to her personally. Whenever I address the issues she denies it to the fullest making me feel like im dilusional or something. I have tried to smooth things out with her so many times but it always comes apart because she always has an issue with what I say and do.
The behavior she displays is rubbing of on her children (my nephews). They treat my son a certain way and so does she. She lets my nephews do whatever they want to my son and when I tell her she doesn’t discipline them but when my son does something she expects me to punish him. My nephews know that their mother is not fond of me so they feel they don’t have to respect me. I guess they hear her talk about me so that influences them. The part that hurts is that my son speaks so highly of them and for them to treat him that way is awful. I don’t have much of a relationship with them because I want to stay away from my sister to prevent any drama. Whenever I do come around I feel tension. We can never be around each too long with out there being a disagreement. I really don’t know whatelse to do but stay away from her.
(Cassandra) And for me ok I was raised by y grandmother and saw my immediate fam during school breaks and holidays and stuff. I been back for 6 years and its been a long road. I came a long way me and teka get along great but our sister trys to get us to go against other. She is a double agent she play both sides and trys to get ppl to argue with you because she too scared to address it herself. She is the type of person that when it comes to money she tries to get over.
Let me tell you the tactis and the things she said. Okay, so me and teka got a apartment in long beach together. It was my official first place as well as hers. Teka has been in Inland Empire her whole life, always been under microscope and she wanted to to try my city. She felt independent and free and I did too. There was times when we would get our student checks for school or taxes and our sister would try to act like she is entitled to borrowing our money. She will criticize how and what we spend money on but when she gets her shit she act stank about it. There were times she came to spend time and make lil sly comments as to what we dont have in our house. When at her house its the same shit. That used to bother me it was just a way for her to be think she better than us by saying oh yall dont have this and that I do. Well anyways I went through alot of stuff in my first place it was def a learning experience for me and teka.
So as of last year we lost our brother and it seemed like that tragedy bust shit wide open like everything negative she was already feeling is heightned now that she has an excuse to target me. Truth be told me and my brother was having problems and wasnt speaking. We was close to getting back cool again before he was murdered. I realized after the funeral that she was playing double agent between me and my brother. Telling me about my brother attitude and laughing when I told her about the fights we were having. And then she would turn to my brother basically painting a bad picture of me she encouraged him to go at me and him not knowing any better and wanted to communicate with me and not knowing how, believed it. She always brings up she the oldest and shes not all that older than me. If she was an older sister she would have tried to bring us together. She knew my brother better than me I didnt grown up with my bro’s and sis’s. So around that time she tried to pin mateka against me reminding her “she didnt grow up with us blah blah blah” After a heated confrontation I left back out to long beach again to stay away from her. If you avoid her she will make her feelings and presence known as if I give a f… Another thing is she puts subliminal messages on facebook knowing dam well I can read it and when I gave her the chance to keep it real she couldnt. But this is the same girl claiming she’s real. Although I had moved to another city she was still sending me facebook messages emails myspace messages to me and they were very nasty. Im not the type to shoot lowblows but if ppl wanna pull my cards out then I will do the same. she saying all kinds of things like ” im ugly or its my fault our brother died, I should have died, she talked about the fact I contracted a virus from a previous boyfriend/bad relationship and she threw in my face every message like im supposed to be ashamed. I regret even confiding in her even when me and mateka was learning each other I made the mistake of confiding in her because I was frustrated and I thought she can give me advice. I was wrong she capitalized on it and told me stories that painted a a bad picture of her to me. It fueled alot of drama. Same she did with my brother. I lived with the pain of not making up with my brother, I felt we would have been closer by now once we learned each other. I had to block her from my accounts . She managed to get my mother against me as well and when I found out I was pregnant I was pretty much alone. no calls nothing just like I was literally a stranger. It hurt but I got over it im a strong person I can take it and I did. By then she was already pregnant also by 2 more months so just imagine her being so hateful and spiteful sending stupid messages to me all day. When I tried to tell our oldest brother he didnt really listen to me and just doesnt want to get involved in womans quarrels. I went through my whole pregnancy talking only to my sister mateka and extended family which i had grown up around. My dad was such a great support system during that time. Had a healthy happy baby.
ok so fast forward to now recently tika IM’d me via facebook about her and the toxic sister was having problems. she was basically pushing tika into doing something regarding her chilld about what school he should attend or whatnot. She missed one day to turn in the app and allofasudden our sister started sending her crazy messages and saying she was irresponsible and dont care blah blah blah. So we always confide in each other cuz we have no one else that would listen. So I was talking to her about it. I said she was miserable. well one day our sister had ended up going on tika login on fb and reading the convo and she started flooding up my fb page. I had to hurry up and erase it because we have family on there we had already argued on fb which im not proud of but we did and they was reading all of it. how embarassing. Anywho after that I called her to ask her what the f was her problem she didnt answer, left a message. went back n forth i ended it. So she runs right back to tika after she erased her on fb and blocked her. She came to HER house and try to “work things out” only because me and her got into it (not to mention she called a male friend of hers and said some nasty untrue rumors about STDs smh something i would have NEVER did to my own sister.) . She has always done that go back and forth between me and tika. Well shortly after that I got into a hit and run accident me and my 6mth old daughter at the time. I THOUGHT that would be the wake up call but nope. I remember her telling me on the phone “if you woulda died I would have felt guilty and couldnt live with myself” So easlily she coulda been where I was at when our brother passed. She would know the pain I was put through.
So we all became cool again, whatever that means. but it was very wishywashy and volatile. I know at anytime she can switch gears on me.
This is whats going on now: I decided to add her back to my facebook since we was all cool. tika did not. rightfully so. So I started noticing that she was making lowkey subliminal ass statements on her statuses. So I wuld post something about ppl doing subliminals as well basically saying im above all that shit. So this girl would write an ESSAY on her status talking about insecurity. It had nothing to do with insecurity and everything to do with being phony as fuck and indirect. You basically added me just to talk shit about me and when I call you on it im being “insecure”. Every status is negative and subliminal. “im better than you in this area” no your not. For someone who had multiple abortions, keep getting pregnant every month by the same loser over and over she has her nerve. But she will put a blind eye to her mishaps and exploit yours. YOU WONT BELIEVE THE LENGTHS SHE WENT TO. she made a fake facebook profile and put a fake pic of a girl. she started posting how “she had problem with her sisters, hate them, they jealous of me cuz im better than them” and then she posted to her own fake profile trying to be slick. how convenient this fake profile has the ironically the same problem you do. She called me and my sister all kinds of bitches. The whole time I was wonderign why is this random chick co signing and the whole time it was HER. To me thats fake as hell you smiling in my face the whole time spitting subliminals on facebook and on a fake fb profile. She stooped to a new low. I dropped the facke profile and send her a message telling her about her self. Aint nothing changed I thought after our accident she claimed we would start over again and try to be honest with each other. She couldnt even do that. She still holding on to old grudges still got malice in her heart for me. I blocked the profile. Me and tika couldnt believe it. Now she trying to kiss and make up with tika as always because she always asking for shit. She her love is based on conditions, what YOU CAN DO FOR HER. If you dont comply she starts a witchhunt against you. All i can say is im done I tried so hard to be cool with her but she has too much envy and hate in her heart for me thats is unfixable. She is a miserable soul and I want no parts of her ass anymore. Am I wrong? is she a toxic person? How can i deal? I can’t anymore and I feel it woulld be best.
It is so important to set boundaries for yourself and others. It is so frustrating to also add in step-parenting. I could write a book and regurgitate the last 8 years…but I won’t. I find it’s helpful to focus on my spouse to keep my sanity, to keep my distance physically and emotionally from my brother and sister in law as well as family get togethers. Even with that, the emotional bullshit game they play is awful. They are SO insecure and ignorant of what is happening with my husband’s kids. They think they know, but they don’t. Even vacations on a sunny beach are difficult!
What do “Bipolar treatment centers” or “Bipolar” have to do with your message about toxic people? People can have a mood disorder and still be sensible boundary setters who are subject to toxic individuals who are otherwise not diagnosed with a mood disorder. It is my opinion that you are misusing this diagnosis in order to exemplify tendencies in toxic people that should be attributed to character flaw or perhaps a personality disorder–not a chemical/physiological embalance that cannot be helped.
The reference to Bipolar treatment centers in no way suggests that toxic people or toxic family members are Bipolar, or have any number of undiagnosed personality disorders. It simply suggests that indepth and sometimes long-term therapy may be needed to cause toxic persons to be made aware of what causes them to be toxic and why, with hope that such therapy may possibly…help create change in their attitudes or personalities.
I have FINALLY had enough of my family! I have two alcoholic brothers both over the age of 40 who have nothing to show for their lives except for all of the legal trouble they have encountered over the years. Our Dad left when I was 3, I saw him on and off until I was 13, he remarried and I don’t ever hear from him so he is not a part of my life. According to my toxic Mother it is ALL my Dad’s fault that my brothers are so screwed up. I have supported both my brothers and Mother financially on and off through the years. I am the baby girl at 36 years old, yet I feel like a parent.
I grew up in a VERY dysfunctional household, usually filled with my brothers drunk,becoming violent and being hauled off by the police. My Mom pretty much slept through my childhood. Apparently she was depressed over my Dad leaving and NEVER to this day has overcome it.
I left home at 17 and never looked back. I have a BEAUTIFUL life, I am VERY fortunate and grateful for where I am today. I took some wrong turns along the way in my life and have not always made the wisest choices but they got me to where I am today.Believe me my Mom and brothers are always there to remind me of some of my choices. I have a wonderful husband and 3 great stepchildren. I never had children of my own because of my own childhood.
Recently, brothers moved in together and as you can imagine two violent alcoholics living together is never a good thing. So many phone calls about being in jail, the fighting, the bitching, the whining, the negativity. The other morning was THE LAST STRAW for me when I awoke to find a nasty, horrible, hate filled voicemail from one of my brothers who was wasted. It really hurt me to the core because I have done so many things for them over the years and yet I get attacked! I realize it is jealousy and they hate their own lives and envy what I have but why must they do that?
My Mom isn’t much better! It has always been and still is today, “poor pitiful me” I am on food stamps, I can’t afford anything, blah blah blah. She made money on Ebay years ago while claiming she had absolutely no money. Yet, I found her bank receipt by accident and needless to say I was shocked at the amount of money she had. Let’s just say she wasn’t exactly as destitute as she led me to believe, not even close. She quit selling on ebay, because she said they were charging too much in fees! For the past 5 years she has done absolutely nothing to help herself. She has ALWAYS chastised me, told me numerous times that I am nothing but a stuck up B***H. That I got by in life because of nothing more than my looks. Yet I still make the hour drive to see her every week. I make sure that she has everything she needs. Cat food for the cats, paper items because food stamps don’t cover those things, I paid for her $450 car repair a month ago and my husband has no idea I did that! I give her money for gas, I buy lunch every visit, etc. When she seems ungrateful I point out ALL that I do for her and her response is, “I didn’t ask you to do these things for me”. No Mom you didn’t “ask” per se you GUILTED me into it. She is in very bad health, never dated nor remarried after my Dad left .She is miserable, negative, and wants to take me down with her and make me feel guilty because I have a nice home and nice things. She CHOOSES to live in an awful, cold, run down house that she rents. I have BEGGED her to move but she refuses and I swear it is because she absolutely enjoys wallowing in her own self pity. She has always blamed everyone else for her problems and also for my alcoholic brothers’ problems.She has enabled them their entire lives and I will never understand it. With one brother it is a sick codependency relationship, he lived with my Mother until almost 40 years old! He has never had a bank account and still does not to this day!
My Mom has never, not ONCE said she was proud of me. She never hugged me as a child nor did she instill any confidence in my whatsoever. In fact she would constantly humiliate me in front of friends and family while enjoying doing so.I finally found my self esteem when I was 30 years old and I am still working on it. I have a COMPLETELY different life than my family. I made a choice to become happy with the help of my spirituality. Like I said I didn’t always make the greatest choices but here I am today….so incredibly blessed and happy. As the saying goes, you can pick your friends but not your family. I now realize how toxic and insane they really are. Looking back I now understand why over the years many people have said to me they cannot believe how normal I am and how much I have overcome.
I am living my life to the fullest and the happiest. I am truly blessed.
Thank you for letting me vent and it brings me so much comfort to know I am not alone with my toxic family!
Hello. My sister sent me the link to this website. This is something that my family is going through. However, the person who we have that is “toxic” Is our mother. She finds a way all te time to say how we are bad daughters, we don’t love her, she should have never had us, he never wanted us, and so much more. Now it is 4 children biologically ( the oldest has not lived with us since he was 17 years old) and she adopted our 3 cousins (ages 11, 12, 14). They are a handful and since she took them in, we have stopped our lives to help her raise them. Wether it’s dr’s appts, hospitalizations, babysitting, and so on. We have been there with her. Now we are adults with our own families and still live with her to help her. She doesn’t want us to move out because “she doesn’t want to be alone” and “we started this together, we must finish it together” (ie raising the 3 girls). Very stressful and time consuming. It’s to the point where we would go MONTH without speaking and living in the same house. My older sister has moved with her 2 kids. My younger sister and myself (I have a 3 year old daughter) are now in the process of leaving because we cannot keep dealing with the abuse and the torment.
Emily. Your mother sounds like mine did for many years until she passed away in 2008! She told my remaining brother and me the same things. You don’t love me, etc., etc. It hurt us badly, but we finally recognized that she was ill, not mean. Between having dementia and paranoia, and possibly being bo-polar, she had many problems that require outside help. She could fool anyone for awhile, but it didn’t last long so she lost some of her support system. She wouldn’t see anyone to get help (claiming she was perfectly normal and WE were the problem). It was so sad. I live 3K miles from where she lived, and she was a heavy smoker so you can imagine that I couldn’t see her much to try to get her help. I imagine it wouldn’t have done any good anyway. She was very stubborn, and with the illnesses she had, childish behavior must have been part of it.
If it is possible, all of you should try to get help for your mother. She needs it now! It will only get worse if she doesn’t get help soon. Also, giving in to her blackmail is not good for any of you and will just cause more problems down the road. I don’t even know what to suggest beyond that. If you all leave, maybe a condition of either visiting her or moving back in would be that she would seek help and give it a try. It may not work, or be in your best interests to insist on it. Anything can happen. Lin can certainly give you much better advice than I can.
Sorry. I forgot to mention that I have bad allergies and asthma so visiting my mother’s home did not work for me, and we couldn’t afford to stay for an extended amount of time in a motel/hotel. If she had not smoked, I would probably have stayed for at least a month to try to help her.
Hi Emily,
Wow, what a mess. I’m glad to hear that you and your younger sister are moving out of the house. Your mother chose to adopt the three children, you didn’t make that choice. The responsibility of raising those children are hers, not yours. The fact that you’ve been helping with the children is certainly admirable and very kind of you. For your mother to say “we started this together and must finish it together” is absurd. SHE chose to adopt children, along with all of the responsibilities of raising those children. I’m not so sure that her real reason for not wanting any of you to move out is that she doesn’t want to be alone. Maybe, and it’s a BIG maybe, a small part of it may be of not wanting to grow old alone and the more children that are kept around her, she’ll continue to feel needed and useful etc etc.
Being in the same house and not speaking to each other for a month because of all the stress and her horrific comments about wishing she hadn’t ever had any of you kids etc is horrible. It’s important for your own good, your own health and well-being to get out of that house, away from the mentally and emotionally abusive environment, but it’s equally important to get your young daughter away from that too. Those poor kids that were adopted see and hear all that stuff, and I can only imagine what must be going through their young minds when they hear your mother talking that way. Surely it must cause them to question in their own minds if what has said about you older kids isn’t also how she feels about those adopted children. Horrible!!!
In my opinion, looking in from the outside, it appears to me that your mother doesn’t want you grown kids to move out because then she’ll be faced with the full 100% responsibility of everything going on within the home, including all of the care and responsibilities of the adopted kids. Simply put, she “doesn’t want to be alone” really means “Please don’t leave me here to be a mother to these kids that I’ve chosen to adopt but really don’t want to have to do the work without everyone else’s help, while I also continue to be mentally and emotionally abusive to my grown children that I selfishly expect to cater to my whims and take care of these adopted kids that I had no business adopting in the first place.” You grown kids are needed there to help run errands, cook, clean, and carry out any other type services she deems necessary, while your personal lives and your own children are as if second class citizens, because you grown kids are needed as maids and nannies etc etc. I could go on and on, but I’m sure you get the picture.
wow, this artical really hits home for me, i am a 16 year old mother and i thought i was all alone in this sittuation i am in. i started to think that i was gowing crazy and it was me with the problem. i prayed and prayed everyday for god to give me a sign and tell me somethjing, and today i found this artical. u have in a way saved my life! i am hopeing that i can show this artical to an attorney or a child advacasy center and get someone to help me. i am so glad to hear that i am not isane. its my parents and in my heart i knew that but everyday it seemed like they would brake me down just a little bit more and now it is time i put my foot down and stand up for myself and my child becausse now its not just me that will suffer its my daughter too. thank you lord for helping me find this artical today and god bless who wrote it!
Wow I needed to hear these words…in tears now
I’ve been dealing with a sil that I’ve never clicked with even before she or I married into the family. I’ve always thought we just didn’t click and I didn’t care to try because our personalities are so different. Now things have gotten worse, I feel like she’s just a bully to me and negative for me to be around. It seems like we are the only ones to have issues with each other but its making my relationship with my husband hard because its his brothers wife and he wants me to get along with her. After reading about toxic people, I would categorize her as one in my life but is it normal for her to just be toxic to me and no one else as far as I know? Could it be just a conflict we have with each other and still be toxic for me? I can’t stand to be around her and feel sick just knowing I’m going to be around her at family functions. I can’t stand her around my child, she acts like Gods gift to children. She requires so much attention from them it seems strange and fake. She’s trying so hard to make herself look like shes so ” wonderful” with kids in front of family and look at how much the kids “love” her comments just fuel her. Is it just me? I’m so confused and my husband just wants to force me to be “civil” with her which I am. I don’t even talk to her anymore to avoid getting put down and bullied.
Glad I found this site..
. He’s 11 years older than me.. I thought he would be a great step dad for my daughter :/ 2 months into Dateing he called me once a slut always a slut, I was blown away I did nothing to deserve that .. I’ve always have had high morals besides the time I got pregnant pretty much after 2 wks of knowing my daughters dad.. I didn’t talk to him but eventually I did again and then got pregnant with my son.. He had moved in and out for 4 years.. It was nuts never stable.. I was called so many names slut, bitch, pitiful, stupid , skank. Bad mom etc… His exes were better.. On an on.. After being called these names so much I blew up hit him.. Then I was called an abuser 
he was to good for me, no one would want me.. Mind you I’m pretty attractive most people say and pretty quiet and caring and giving.. He’s an drunk drinks at least 6 beers a day.. But his family an friends thinks he’s great.. He only sees my son and none of his other 4 kids 
I’m confused .. I left him moved on started dating a great guy.. But ended it cause my ex says its my fault I destroyed our family.. I was in the wrong.. I want to be happy but I’m do confused.. Maybe I am crazy, and in the wrong.. Maybe I could of done something different.. Somedays I feel so scared to let go of him.. Help!!!!!!
I was in a 4 year relationship, that ended a year ago. I have a 3 year old son by him.. And a 5 year old daughter from a previous relation.. We got together when my daughter was 3 wks old. We were friends for years be for dating.. I thought he was nice.. He has 4 other kids by 2 other women.. One daughter 17 that I felt he treated horrible.. Always calling her names like loser and stupid
My husband’s family is very very toxic. His dad is an alcoholic, his sister is a 500 lb food addict, and his mom was chronically bitter and angry at everyone. They are all in horrible health, sedentary, and chain smokers. The weird thing about these people is that they are highly educated and well off, and you would think they would know better. My husband is also a recovering alcoholic as well. This family is THE definition of toxic. They can’t get along with outsiders, and CHRONICALLY criticisize and dwell on everyone else’s flaws yet justify and excuse their own bad behavior. When any one of these emotionally stunted recluses are in a bad mood over something, they vent their anger and frustration on others who have done NOTHING to them. My SIL has a crap life because of her food addiction and obesity, and unfairly vents and projects her anger onto others if you don’t magically read her mind and do what she wants. If you get upset at her nasty behavior, she then turns the tables, and tells you how horrible you are for being mean to her. TOXIC!!!! All three of these maladaptives LOVE LOVE LOVE to play the innocent victim. It’s funny because when my husband and I step aside, and remove ourselves from the situation, they turn on each other. My husband FINALLY sees how toxic is his family. I describe these people like walking in a mine field…you take a few steps in any direction and BAMMMMM, you get blasted. You are damned if you do, and you are damned if you don’t. You cannot win with them because sooner or later they NEED to vent their negativity and they WILL find some reason as to WHY you DESERVE to be the target. After five years of this crap, I am DONE with them. I am going no contact because these toxic types infect you with their negativity, undermine your sense of being a decent kind human, and tempt you to lower yourself to their level of negative stupid petty mind games. Here’s what I have learned about truly toxic people.
1. You can’t win. They are always right.
2. If you attempt to defend yourself, they will twist your words and turn the tables. It’s called crazymaking.
3. They are unhappy, jealous, resentful, angry, bitter, and fearful. They want to stir the pot to transfer this negativity onto YOU.
4. They cause you to self doubt. You think you are a decent, peaceful, kind human yet they accuse you of being the opposite. Are you? This erodes your very sense of who you KNOW you are, and infects you with guilt and self doubt.
5. They are passive aggressive with the use of the silent treatment, shunning, snide remarks, blaming, twisting words around, and crazymaking.
6. They secretly want to see you destroyed, hurt, or in pain. This makes them happy and satisfied. You happiness upsets them.
7. If you continue to subject yourself to their toxicity, your mental and physical well being could eventually be affected. You may end up sick and depressed because of the grief and stress.
So what is the solution?
RUN!!!!! Go back to your happy, content, peaceful life, and leave these sickly souls in the dust. They must learn their own lessons, and deal with their own problems without bringing others down with them. If you stick around, prepared to be mentally and physically weakened by their toxic garbage. Prepare for YOUR precious life energy to be WASTED in sifting through their chaos and dysfunction. So cut them off or do minimal contact or no contact or move or take a Xanax once or twice a year, smile, say hello, and then goodbye as fast as you can.
Just get the hell away. They are poison!!!!
Wow, so much family toxicity! My sister completely disowned our entire family because of our emotionally abusive parents. No one else ever did anything wrong to her. Unfortunately, I was included in that.She managed to never talk to them for the rest of her life. I mangaged to get her to have a relationship with me albeit a long distant one and not too close. Her husband was completely on board with her decision, and her 3 sons, my nephews were only raised with his family. Her husband was never really too friendly with me or my husband. I always felt if he was it was done because he had to. Her now grown children only know me as her side of our family. They live in NY and I in WA state.I went back to NY 2 months ago because she was dying of cancer. After she died her husbands brother and sister and my nephews wife made all of the funeral arrangements without ever consulting me about anything.Going to dinner etc and not asking me to go etc. She died on May 1st and I have texted all of them several times and left phone messages but no one has bothered to contact me.She was my only immediate family left. My husband died 3 years ago. So my nephews are my closest family I have left. Should I keep trying to contact them or is this a case of letting it go? I am so hurt by all of this.They all have each other, you would think that at least one of them would call to check on me.
All I can say is AMEN. This truly explains what has baffled me about my brother, and niece. It is so refreshing to know that my avoidance is not abnormal. It is my right to choose to stay spiritually and emotionally healthy in order to accomplish my dreams. This was a revalation.Thank you!!!
Hi there. I’m a 62 year old mother of a daughter that My Dr. diagnosed as a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I always blamed myself for her bad behavior. She literally drove me to major depression and only by the grace of God and intuition of my son was my suicide averted. Don’t ever underestimate what people with this disorder can do. My Dr. ordered that I evict her from my farm property immediately, NEVER let her back, limit my contact with her or have none at all. I bless my smart Dr and my dear son that I’m still alive. Thank you very much for your forum because I was the Mother and was about to kill myself because I couldn’t “fix” my daughter. Thank you so much in helping me open my eyes as to what was going on right under my eyes for so many years.
Hello,
I would like to thank you for writing this article. My mother is a toxic personality and I have been struggling with her behaviour for years now. She has caused problems with my health and tried her best to break up my relationships and cause problems between my children and I. Your article has helped me to validate this behaviour and better understand that it is her problem, NOT mine. I have recently ended my relationship with her because it was sucking the life out of me and causing me no end of issues with my siblings, fiancee, and other family members. I am happy she is out of my life – I am healing and getting my power back, however, she is now focusing her energy on undermining my relationship with my children. That’s a whole other story – but I wanted to thank you for an excellent, insightful article.
Everything describing a toxic person that you stated above is entirely true. But, what do you do when not only it’s a family member, but a family member that works with you in your business but is heavily relied on to keep things running?
We have a construction company and my sibling supervises the field management while I supervise everything else (pricing work, getting contracts, making sure that we get paid for the work, making sure that we can pay our employees—just making sure we can keep going), but he constantly lies about EVERYTHING and consistently makes bad decisions in his personal life that ends up becoming mine and my company’s problem! He has child support coming out of his check for 6 kids, yet I’m suppose to figure out a way to make sure that he gets his normal pay??? He has hardly any bills, but never has any money. He can’t drive on our company’s insurance because he’s had several tickets and a DWI, so he’s had to drive his own personal vehicle, yet the company is paying for his gas and all the repairs and maintenance. Now that vehicle is no good and I’m sitting here trying to figure out a way to get him another one with company cash and he owes the company over $5000 in loaned money?? I’m stuck because he has to have a vehicle to run the work, but he has no cash, horrible credit—I’m truly sick of it!!! I’ve tried finding someone to replace him for the past couple of years, but no one has stepped up to the plate. To fire him, I would literally have to go out and run the field myself and supervise and do everything that I’m doing now. We have about 10 million in work that we’re contracted to do over the next several months, but I’m literally considering closing or selling the business and doing something else, yet I feel a responsibility for the other 50+ employees that work for me (including my parents). Any advice?
Have you talked with him about his behaviour? Is he a violent type, like would he try to sabotage your company or injure you if you did fire him? What do your parents say about all of this? How long has he been working for you? Your brother sounds troubled but not psychopathic. He’s paying child support. A psychopath would find a way to avoid this (might order you to pay him under the table) and lie to his ex so that she doesn’t know he’s working.
If he’s been working for you a long time he’s comfortable doing what he does and thinks he can get away with it. If not, you have to put your foot down right away. If he has been working for you a long time, is he good at his job? Does he know what he’s doing? You have to weight the pros and cons.
Is he ruining the company or are you just resentful that he’s getting more than he should? He is what he is and he’s not going to change but you can start putting your foot down. Do it in an almost apologetic way, “We have to cut corners or everyone is out of work and that means no pay at all and then how are you going to afford your child support payments? I’m not trying to be an asshole, I’m just telling you how it is”.
If he’s not evil, you might think about re-training him in bits so he knows that the company money doesn’t grow on trees. Because he isn’t managing that side of the business he doesn’t think about it. And he has his own problems with his family. and if he is good at his job, re-train him in bits.
And once and awhile complain to him about your problems so he stops resenting you. If he thinks you have problems too he won’t be as intimidated of you and won’t do so much passive-aggressives stuff. Lie and say you got a speeding ticket, “Shit man” and he will see you as not ‘better’ than him.
If he’s evil and you fire him, he might retaliate.
I have dealed with a toxic family for 25 years, first with my mother now with the rest of the family. My mother would always played one child against another making my brother and one sister her favorites. After her death she put her favorite daughter in charge of her trust. This daughter had no interest in keeping the family farm in the family only the money she would inherit. In the end she not only took her share of the money ,but also stole many thousands of dollars from the trust. When the trust was finally settled , I was not allowed in the negotations. For 25 years all this family ever thought about was money and what they could buy, never about how hard my parents worked to buy the farms, and put money away for them. I can not long be apart of a family who puts money before family.
Not sure how to say this, the toxic person in my family is my husband. His mother is a very toxic, negative, critical person, and she brought up her children in that way. I have distanced myself from her now, I could handle her criticisms of me, we live in another state, I only see her once a year. But one Christmas she made several rude comments about the size of my son (her grandson) who she hadn’t seen for two years. I was so annoyed, that she could be so hurtful to someone so nice and loving. But it is not so easy to distance myself from her son, my husband. I feel like I have no choice now. My daughter moved out of home one year ago because she could not tolerate her father. She and i had both moved out of the home after a big altercation, then i got her into a share house with her brother and I went back to the family home. He was always nagging her about lights left on, doors left open, what food she was eating, what food she was cooking, how she needs to help out more, what else she could be doing rather than reading or watching tv, etc. etc. She’s a good kid who has never given us any problems growing up and helps me so much. She is a happy, delightful, loving person. So I just cannot see how he can find fault. He says she annoys him as she thinks she knows everything. She actually stands up to him. It hurts me so much as I just want them to have a good relationship. She wants it, and tries hard, he says he wants it but can’t stop himself. Anyway, while she was living away, things were ok. Now she has to move back home as the share house has folded and she has no money. I have been dreading it, knowing he will start again. I have talked and talked to him about it, and he is devastated that he has such an effect on her, he even told her he would be nice to her. But the other day she was home to move some stuff in (I was at work) and I get a phone call from her very upset. He got mad because she let the dogs out while carrying boxes in. And when he demanded she get them, she said they’d be ok for a bit (which they would be, they are often out) That is when he lost it, she had disobeyed him, and he called her all sorts of names. Earlier she had been making a cake for me, and he had been at her, how many of his eggs had she used, did the oven still need to be on, how many lights had she left on around the house, just pointless negetive critisicms. When I got home he started criticising her to me, and saying how bad she was that I had to tell her she had to conform. She had not done anything wrong. So my fears are confirmed, she hasn’t even moved in yet and we are having scenes, what is it going to be like next week? Do I have to choose between my husband and my child? If she has to distance herself from him, should I go with her? She can’t afford to be on her own yet. I can’t stand it that he is the sort of person that can not get along even with his own daughter and that his actions have put us in this position.
This is an amazing article, wow.
I need to share and please feel free to comment.
I detached from my family years ago and a few years ago reconnected via email. I like it this way and I have moved very slowly at letting them in my life.
My father was diagnosed with bipolar about 15 years ago, and is the controler, manipulator etc. I responded to an email with what had been going on in my life etc, and also mentioned an opportunity that came my way and once in a lifetime you get these.
He responds, and fwds my email to his entire family, and tells me they agree that it’s stupid, danderous and “I should be happy people still love me being gone this long”.
I explained that it was nobody elses business and I had only emailed him (my Dad), and that if they didn’t love me b/c I didn’t live closer or visited, that was their problem not mine.
I added that I didn’t need approval/validation from others to feel good or love myself. I am loved and am showed that from people who do care about me. I also explained that I had no intention of moving there (I have built a life where I am) or visiting b/c I am put out in hotels and can’t really afford it.
We had one phone call after this and all he kept saying was that I need help.
I wrote him one time after and explained how I feel and have gotten no response.
So I am starting to doubt myself, and think maybe my email was a bit harsh?
Thanks for reading.
Hello Lin, I am so glad that I found your article on toxic relationships…it has been truly a blessing
Awesome job! I would really like to share my story with everyone here.
I can relate to a lot of what many have said here. Lately I have been bombarded with feelings of guilt for cutting toxic family members and in-laws out of my life…and going back and forth with thoughts of whether or not I am right or wrong for making the decision to cut them off entirely.
I have questioned,”Is it just me, am I the problem? Or am I having a difficult time forgiving and learning to put the past behind me?” After doing some soul-searching, and after careful evaluation of my thoughts, feelings, and my own behavior…..and also after reading this article and the comments, I realize and I am happy to know and to understand that IT IS NOT ME AND I AM NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!!!! WHAT A RELIEF….
It has been rough for me. I have been seperated from my immediate family (Father, Mother and two sisters) for 6 years. In 2006, I realized that I was seriously being controlled by my family (in-laws included) in various different ways. I, too, thought that I would “keep the peace” by not confronting the issues. I didn’t realize at the time, that I was enabling them to continue this behavior. I was fearful. I had a problem with being assertive. I never stood up for myself…EVER! I kept it all in because I was trying not to make problems, but I was sooo HURT and ANGRY on the inside for not taking a stand for my personal rights or setting any boundaries. I had more of a passive-aggressive personality….I’d hold it all in and allow them to do whatever they wanted to me, and then when I became fed up with their control, selfishness, inconsideration, and disrespect, I would BLOW UP. At that point, I had overreacted….so everyone would think that I was crazy because of the way that I went off on them from time to time.
I had a lot of hurt, anger, fear, low self-esteem and a sense of loss in identity because of the influence of toxic, controlling people in my life. And I needed some serious healing, so for three years I worked on those issues diligently, and I needed to seperate myself from family in order for me to stay focused and gain the strength that I needed to stand up to them. After 3 years I felt that I was ready and strong enough to be reconciled back to them and (lovingly) confront them about certain issues of the past so that we could begin to heal and move forward into a new relationship. I have changed alot…and I am very different from who they once knew me to be. I wanted them to get to know the real me. But unfortunately, that didn’t go well at all.
They refuse to understand why I had to seperate from the family or why I didn’t call for 3 years, and they are angry about that. They don’t want to see my side of things or put themselves in my shoes. They don’t want to talk about the issues of the past…they would rather leave it buried under the rug. But the problem with that is that the issues always find a way to re-surface again. I tried to open up my life to them, but they don’t like the “new” person that I’ve become or the changes in our (Hubby and I) lifestyle, and they are upset at the fact that they don’t have a relationship with our children. They are too afraid to ask any questions, so they make wrong assumptions and judgements about me and then gossip about me, and ridicule me.
I am a person who is very in-tuned spiritually (they also have a problem with my spirituality), and I sensed the negativity coming from them…I have even had dreams that they were against me and their own behavior towards me was confirmation of what I had been sensing. I confronted them in letters or emails but I’d get absolutely no response at all. So I decided to just stay focused on what was more important, and that is my Husband, my children, and my work.
In April, after about a year of no communication, I reached out to my sister on facebook. She immediately wanted me to reconcile with the family again. But I tried to explain to her that it is not that simple. She sent me an email discussing her feelings of how she felt about me distancing myself from the family… all she made was wrong assumptions and judgements about me because she has no clue of who I am. I actually felt as if it was my Mother’s words and not hers. I felt like I was defending myself against the entire family. This wasn’t about me and her…she has allowed the family’s emotions to affect her. After writing her a 4 page email clarifying things and saying a whole lot, which took a lot of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual energy….I got no response from her, once again, and after waiting about 2 months of no response, I told her that I was curious to know what she had to say about everything….she only gave excuses of why she hadn’t responded to me. (She claimed to have some technical difficulties with her internet connection, and this is why she hasn’t responded. She told me that she didn’t want me to think that she was avoiding me. I told her that I promise not to make that assumption….but that was in July…it is now October.) Could it be that she is just that busy? However, she continues to make the time to post comments and pictures on facebook. And after 3 months of not hearing anything from her, she drops me a message saying, “What’s up? How’s the fam?” ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!
My family (in-laws included) are facebook acquaintances…They would rather sit and make small talk and share and comment on photos on facebook instead of discussing the issues in our relationship. So there is a serious wedge and apparently it is all my fault because I continue to assertively mention the issues! They hate that I refuse to let it go and allow them to continue treating me like crap.
The issue with my in-laws is a different story. My Husband and I have been together for 18 years total (we have 4 children and one on the way) and I have NEVER been accepted into the family. My Husband’s family controlled his life, and when I came along, they hated how loving and attentive he was towards me. Especially his Mother! She was jealous and tried everything in her power to cause problems between us. This woman turned their entire family against me before they even got a chance to get to know me. I would literally DREAD them coming to visit because whenever they came it was DRAMA!! My Husband began to see how toxic his family was and how they had been that way his whole life, and he saw how they treated me and he had began to distance himself from them as well. Instead of asking him what was the reason why he distanced himself, they blamed it all on me telling him that he allows me to control him and how he is a coward and how they think that I have mental problems….and throwing my past in my face (about things that I had done when I was 17 years old…they made judgements about me without knowing the facts)
We have cut them all off and we have moved far far away….out of the country. (Our decision to move out of the country had little to do with them. We did what was best for our family. But of course they would think that I am the one who influenced my Husband to alienate his family)
My Husband has his brothers on his facebook page and they continue to make small talk and ignore the real issues. It drives me up the wall, as they talk about family reunions and get togethers! They talk about everything under the sun BUT the issues. I believe that my Husband is hoping for a change…but I’m more of a realist. I don’t believe that they even care enough to want to change.
I’m sorry but I just can’t pretend like everything is okay when it is not. I won’t have my feelings pushed off to the side while they move on. I won’t tolerate fake (deceptive) people who smile in my face and tell me that they love me but they can’t stand my guts….I won’t do it. They are not welcome in my home, or in my life for that matter. I feel that the only way that I will ever be able to forgive them and begin to heal is for me to distance myself from them completely. They are angry because they think that we are unforgiving. Forgiving is easy to do (and I do forgive, because I know that they truly lack understanding, knowledge and wisdom)…but trust is entirely a different issue. We do not trust them at all….it would be foolish to trust them after everything they have said and done. Should we allow their continuous disrespect just because they lack understanding? I think not…
It is hard living without the unconditional love, loyalty, and support of family members. Many people just settle, and put up with toxic family because they have been taught to stick with family no matter what, regardless of anything…even if they are wrong. Well, I no longer believe that. If their behavior is not right, I am going to confront and challenge it. And they hate me for that. Since I have become more assertive, I have made many enemies and it is sad that most of them are so called family members. I love them all, but I will not allow them to control my life and do whatever they want to me or my family.
My true family are those who love me unconditionally, they are loyal and supportive, they encourage and uplift me, they have integrity and they are honest with me about their feelings no matter how ugly. Right now at this present time in my life, those people happen to be my Husband and my children. Nothing else really matters.
Some things are much easier said than done. Our emotions are tied to family and it is very hard to let go completely…How can I fight the urge to stop reaching out to them? How can I learn to accept that it is what it is? How can I learn to accept that my family will probably never change and never be a part of my life or my children’s lives? How can we recover from the loss of our entire family? I would like some feedback.
Wow, this sound just like my family. Out of five children, I’m the only one with a vehicle. well my dad had a car too but when he passed my mom immediately sold it to my oldest sister’s boyfriend. I never really understood why she would sell a car she so much needed but I soon found out why. She knew she had me to lean on and her transportation as well. Living down the street from my mom has been a living nightmare and I’m planning to move next summer. My family is toxic, and its been this way for many, many years. They will manipulate you, lie to you in order to get what they want, and their very bossy and controlling. if you don’t do what they say, most of them will attack you by trying to take you down financially. They feel if you don’t help them, then you don’t deserve what you have, and its so sad to be in a family like this. I was at one point angry at God because he placed me in a family like this but its not his fault. I have cut off ties with them. Since then my life has been stress free and rid of all the drama. I’ll always love them, but caring and helping them is no longer a part of my life. I’m done, no more. I have days when I feel guilty, but I turn to God to give me the strength to carry on, and it works. I have a very selfish family and they whine a lot and blame others for their own failures. I feel moving off the street I share with my mom would be a big step for me.
Thank you for posting this info. I have been married to a toxic husband for 23 years and so is his whole fam. They were raised by a toxic father and abuser, so that’s all they know, for them it is very normal, for me and my 20 and 16 year old son has been very stressful, scary and difficult. Our marriage now is going down the drain and he lost us, I tried to help him for years and have been an understanding wife, but there comes a time when enough is enough and now he has to deal with his issues by himself. I pray for him to find himself and make the right choices to get the help is out there. Now it is up to him!
Just reading this has me feeling upset within myself, I hope you reply, really need help…A few things you’ve said just nailed it, like sometimes I feel confused like I am going crazy. I have hit all of the criteria,
e.g “Rob us of our dignity. Destroy our self-confidence.” …etc
My story;
I moved away from London to Birmingham 5 years ago with my mum back to her family. I noticed straight away how most of the grown ups were like children competing with each other over pathetic things….But I didn’t pay attention to it, fast forward 5 years, and now I hate 95% of my relatives, they literally make me sick on the inside, they hate on me, they are jealous of me, they envy me, they backbite about me, they want to know everything about me, they criticize me, subtle bullying, and alot of the males have mental health issues but they like to put on fake pretenses.
I just hate all of them, sometimes I just want to kill them (not literally) but they’ve hurt me so badly, I don’t know what to do, I’m an emphatic guy generally so everything is amplified. I don’t want to get into specifics but I’ll be here all day…
Recently I got my own place, it’s still near where they my extended relatives are, but I have locked them all off, it hurts to see that my mum has to deal with them, they are not as bad as I describe but they grow on you in the most disgusting ways, manipulate, critical, sucking your energy.
Even though I am physically apart, I am mentally going crazy I don’t know what to do, how to get them out of my head, sometimes I want to rampage I keep it all bottled inside and I don’t like to let loose because I regret it all the time. Done it twice made a fool of myself. How do I get them out of my head and my heart? How do I destroy them without….do anything? I just want to move on with my life and be happy. Please help.
It’s going to take time Omar. You are probably feeling guilty because you’ve cut them out of your life and are having side effects, like an alcoholic having the shakes. In toxic situations, when we change, it isn’t easy because a part of us has been so well trained or brain washed. If you are feeling resentful and bitter about them, forgive yourself and say, “that was then and this is now”. Realize your feelings are like side effects and they will taper off.
i remember when i was a 1 year old, my mother work abroad, me and my father and my two old brothers are in the house living without a mom, when i came 4 years old she came back home with my little sister, my mother became so rude or everything negative that i might called her, her hands are always on my skin, every mistakes there is a corresponding hit with her hands handling anything that she picked and those things hit me everywhere in my body, of course when you are in the childhood age your feelings was so sensitive, i always say that she doesn’t love me either like me, then one day my auntie was came home and i tell her what her younger sister doing when my father was not home, she decided to get me out from hell… she’s still exhausting my life, later on i heard the news that they got separated, when mu auntie was died she replace my auntie’s place, same attitude and there is a time she tried to kill my life she put her hands over my neck because of that religion i dont want to belong, i said i was baptized in catholic i will die in catholic… until i got in college still she ruin my every single days! so i decided to live in a boarding house where i will not hear her shit voice… until i graduated, still she ruin my days… even im working , she want me to clean all her mess in the house, oh God! can you do that after working hours at office when you are deadly tired? every day she’s telling me to get out in my job she’s telling me if im tired “resigned to your work ” you got stress to your work same at home, then i resigned now she’s f@king tell my Auntie (the older sister of my f@king mother who work hard to send me in grade school up to college) that im so laggard everything negative she say to my auntie…. how can i get rid with this kind of human?? i want her push out in my life… thanks for the help…
Wow this describes my family down to the last word. I am the youngest of 10 siblings all by our parents that were married for 50years before our father died in 1997. My mother was 38 and my father was 42 when I was concieved. I was the little suprise because my mothers tubes had been tied, clipped and burned for over 15years. There is a 15year difference between me and my closest in age sibling. My siblings photo should be in the dictionary on the side of the definition of dysfuctional family. My siblings have done everything from send me death threats, killed my animals, and leave threating messages on the phone. That is nothing compared to what they do to there biological mother, if I write a book know one would believe the things that they have done. Somebody please help. I am Bi-Polar and I have Anxiety/Panic disorder. My mother is 78 years old with congestive heart failure, lukemia, two knee replacements, a partial hip replacement. Help because I have to go home for Thanksgiving with my husband and kids to celebrate with my mother.
Wow. Thanks so much for this. I’m currently dealing with my younger sister and her bf constantly arguing, usually fueled from jealousy on both sides. (theyre outside arguing at this moment). And whenever I ask her to come out with me so she can get a breather, she runs back to her bf to “fix” the problems.
There is no valuable time spent between us, since he is literally at our house everyday. (idk why my mom won’t say no). So I can’t talk with her in private. She became toxic ever since she got with this toxic guy. She acts so tough around me, and we never have decent convos anymore. The only way I can escape this is when I move to college next semester…
This article was helpful in trying to understand what has happened with my daughter. How do you handle the pain when you own child? I feel to blame for covering for her and never standing up just ignoring her insults, threats, blackmail and treating me like I owed it to her to be her doormat. I always feard if I took a stand that her threats would be easy for her to follow through with. she constantly makes up lies about her life, about me. She believes anything she says is ‘reality’ and says when confronted ‘prove it’. Finally she lied one too many times and confronted her. She has now banished me, says the most horrific lies and now turned on her grandfather. It is painful beyond belief. I tried everything but I waited to many years letting her get by with her bullying. She plays the victim, acts so mean to people then makes up life false stories about bad things in order to manipulate people into feeling bad for her. This seems to have worked for her getting her way.
Of course when people learn others will over look selfish mean behavior by making up that she has been abused, causes people to forgive her.
She will never say she is sorry, never admit to her lied. She rages at anyone that crosses her. I became her doormat for quite a few years in her 20′s and 30′s, I just didn’t accept she could be anything but my adorable little girl. I now have to face I crossed her by telling her to stop lying. She has now lied to my grandchild and turned her against me with lies.
How can you walk away? I keep trying to get through to her, but the worse she gets.
I had her when I was only 17.
I don’t know how to handle this loss, even though she has done this before, I took all the blame and basically let her lie and do anything to me, talk mean, ridicule everything because I was afraid she would follow through with her threats. If I crossed her-and I didn’t get along with her-I would not see my grandchild. Finally I stood up to her new lies and now it is a nightmare. I know she will never admit her lies nor at this point can she fix things because to tell the truth would show those she knows her issues.
I is like losing a child,, the hurt. I try not to, but I just cry and cry. It is making me sick. I can’t bare not seeing them and losing them.
Thanks for the article, it descibes her so exactly I was shocked. Wish I had seen it 10 years ago, I might have been able to avoid all the trauma the last ten years
I was very impressed with how well this topic was covered. People who are toxic are not rare. I think the 10% number stated is quite low. I find it is very easy for most people to notice the negative in life and then to share it with others. Unfortunately what a person focuses on will over time effect them. If they focus on the positive then they are often more optimistic and if on the other hand, they focus on the negative, they become much less optimistic. That is often how people become more toxic over time. There is no question that toxic people are life takers. If you know someone who is toxic, know they need help. I would highly suggest that you do not make the mistake that many make and try to help them yourself.
me and my husband are recently Living in My mother in law’s house, in there, at first I feel gratefull as my mother in law set up our marriage, she did help us a lot , but i was suprised when my housekeeper told me that while she’s doing all “the good stuff”. she complaining me, nosing around like seeing my garbage to know what I’m buying, complaint again how i spent my husband’s money and tell all the bad stories to my housekeeper and relatives. Until now, I’m struggling with this two faces mom. And beside her, me and my husband also lives with the “prince” brother in law. He doesn’t work, always sitting on the couch, watching tv, play games and.. Sleep. And he is doing this mental abuse to me, makes me feel really bad with coughing and making mocking noises all the times whenever he “thinks” I didn’t do things that I should do as a person that “sleep and eat in HIS HOUSE”. I have tried to do my best, but still he thinks that I’m not doing my best to get along in the house, I feel confuse and stress and I have come to my edge to insanity. I can’t tell this to my family, they will hate my in laws. So still I try to pretend lives peacefully in that house.
Please… Tell me how can I get along with this two nosy and bossy in laws?
Where to start? It sounds like many of you have been through a lot with your families, too. I’ve encountered toxic people all my life…some were family, some weren’t. Anyway, I will tell you about a few toxic people in my family.
My stepfather…verbally/emotionally/mentally abused me for years, since I was 13 years old.
My aunt…verbal/emotional abuse and one incident of physical abuse. She was my favorite aunt as a child, but now I avoid her.
One of my male cousins…severe bullying and abuse. However, I’m trying to forgive him because he has become a better person. I feel sorry for him because he has experienced a lot of hardships and he was taking it out on me.
One of my female cousins…along with my aunt (not her mother), I will focus on her. She is very toxic and no one sees it but me. She is only a year older than me but we couldn’t be more different. I am a very shy, quiet person while she loves to be the center of attention. Her mother is narcissistic and manipulative, traits which my cousin inherited from her. Her mother threw her out of the home when she was 14 and since then, my cousin has been playing the victim her whole life. She is an expert at being manipulative and eliciting sympathy from people…it also doesn’t hurt that most people see her as being beautiful, so that gets her even more sympathy because no one wants to hurt a “pretty” girl, right?
She is now 30 years old and still acts like a selfish, entitled princess. My mother takes pity on her and often says: “poor Sophia. She’s had such a tough life”. I agree that it is sad that she has a poor relationship with her mom, but other people have had it much worse. She is a professional victim who never takes responsibility for her actions. She was jealous of me when we were growing up because I was thinner, I was
My sister in law has been a toxic family member for years-she has periodically viciously verbally attacked my husband and myself without regard for our feelings for years. She has screamed at me on the phone, attacked my husband and tried to stab him with a fork at the dinner table, screamed at us and verbally berated us because our 7 year old daughter accidentally cut her foot at her house and got some small blood spots on her carpet which we cleaned and told her husband about ( when we got home the phone rang and it was crazy woman who viciously berated my husband), verbally attacked and swore at a nun at our daughter’s first communion-humiliating us. She has never apologized for her actions and we have broken with her before but my husbands parents are desperate to see the family close together. They make excuses for her behavior and accept it. I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years. My father in law was recently diagnosed w/ terminal cancer & he asked me to take him to a medical procedure and to call his doctor & leave a msg asking the doctor to call him. I was happy to do & w/ mu husband’s permission I sent an e-mail to my sister in law, her husband, & my brother in law- letting them know how he was doing. I live only about 3 miles from my FIL, my crazy SIL lives about an hour away, and my BIL lives in Florida. I gave up a vacation day to take my FIL to the procedure & stay with him & make sure he was ok. My SIL sent me a nasty e-mail back (copied to everyone) telling me to but out and that She, my husband, and BIL would take care of their father from now on. Then I had to see her at a family function only days later- I was so hurt and upset but I didn’t say anything to her- she saw tht I appeared upset and came up to me and began to verbally attack me- I tried to walk away and she followed me then physically pinned me to a sofa and began screaming at me. I refused to fight with her or speak to her other than to tell her to get her hands off me. She told me if I didn’t talk to her she would never speak to me again, and I tol her that she had ruined our relationship and I walked away. She screamed at me to get out of her parents house in front of my daughter and my husband and humiliated me. I knew this might happen and my husband & I had planned what to do- I took the car keys and left. After I left my husband said she attacked her parents and said she had never forgiven them for supporting he ex-husband, etc… This was several days ago. I am so torn-I want so much to be there for my FIL at this awful time, I feel like she has- I know this discord is deeply upsetting to them but I have really reached my limit. I feel like the volatility of the ensuing family tragedy is amplifying her already bad behaviors. I honestly don’t want to reconcile & I don’t think she would want to- she made it very clear that she never wants to see me again- my anger has mostly melted away-I have remaining sadness because I didn’t want this for my FIL and my husband. I feel like if we do somehow manage to reconcile she will just flip out on us again. I just can’t take any more- for my sake and my daughters. I’m praying to God for help for us all to get through each day. I’m also feeling guilty at times and wondering if this was my fault for feeling upset and angry at her over her nasty e-mail and showing it. It is a horrible, painful situation. I do think I’m an understanding person-if it was just the stress of the family situation that would be one thing but there has been a pattern of utter disrespect and lack of regard for my husband, my daughter, and I. I am wondering if anyone has gone through something similar and if they could share any advice/insights. I would greatly appreciate it.
I’m sorry to read about your situation. It sounds extremely stressful. I’ve had to deal with my share of toxic people. Of course it’s hardest when the toxic person is someone close to you or a family member.
The best advice I can give you is to set boundaries for your SIL and stick to them. You’ll most likely have to come to an agreement with your husband first. If he doesn’t agree, then you have a problem. One I’ve been in and it’s not pretty.
My standpoint is that people are programmed early on about how they SHOULD feel about and treat family members. In a healthy scenario, that would probably be for the best. But when it is at the expense of you and YOUR immediate family’s mental, physical or emotional health then I think that is where people should draw the line.
You can’t change others. You can just say hey, I do not appreciate and won’t tolerate you doing ______ and if you continue to do it I/we will not be around you (or other appropriate boundary). It’s difficult if you don’t have the support of your in laws.
It’s hard. Besides boundaries I think it’s all about your perception. This is something I’ve had a hard time with. But you really just need to see her for who she is and realize that IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S HER PROBLEM. This doesn’t mean excusing her actions but it will probably make it easier for YOU to deal with. Like the email…you could just ignore it and treat it likes “she’s crazy” in a way, instead of taking it personally.
Thanks for the post. You really helped me clear my head as well.
Good luck.
To Shattered: It really sounds lile your sister in law has some deep set, PERSONAL issues. When people act in such a destructive, violent manner, there is something going on that is a lot more serious than having a bad attitude or being mean. Have you had a heart to heart with your husband as to why she behaves that way? She is obviously a very unhappy person who may have had severe trauma of some kind (perhaps her childhood). This being said, you can have empathy for this person, but she does not have the right to treat you badly when you did nothing to her. Sister in law or not, it’s not your responsibility to save–and she won’t change unless she makes the conscious decision to get help and want to change. You don’t want that negativity and destructive behavior around your daughter. I wish you luck in dealing with this situation; thank you for sharing.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through so much with your family, but know you’re not alone. I have a sister who attacks me every chance she get when she never get her way. I have a mom who take money from me knowing I have three kids to care for. It’s sad because family should be the very least who hurt you. I have two drug addict brothers and one of them lives with my mom. she calls me when he don’t have a ride or he need bus fair. My dad died a year ago from heart failure. Before he died I watched him go through the exact same thing i did. I refuse to allow this to happen to me.