Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members
Would you know if you were in a toxic relationship? Are you dealing with toxic family members or people in your life who manage to drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled, ridiculed or confused? Are you dealing with conflicts and problems because of a toxic parent, sibling, co-worker, spouse, friend, toxic in-laws
Most of us could write a laundry list of names of people who make us feel miserable whenever we’re around them, spewing their noxious negative attitudes, behaviors and gossip like nauseating toxic waste. Have you ever wondered what makes toxic people tick, or why some family members have the tendency and inane ability to be two-faced in their relationships with others in the family?
Who Are Toxic People?
Toxic people are extremely negative, miserable, whiny, jealous, inconsiderate, financially irresponsible and entitled, manipulative, narcissistic, selfish, disrespectful, gossip mongers, mentally and emotionally abusive bullies who have no boundaries. Everyone and anyone is fair game for toxic people, with toxic relationships creating undo stress and anxiety for everyone involved. If you are dealing with these problems and conflicts in your life, know that you are not alone.
According to mental health specialists and psychologists, toxic people are “highly insecure people who only feel better about themselves if they make others feel worse, and they make up about ten percent of the population. A toxic person, including family members and in-laws, cause over 50% of all communication and relationship stress in others, health problems such as headaches, stomach pain and digestive problems, due to negative baggage brought on from low-esteem”.
Understanding how low self-confidence and low self-esteem causes some people to grow up to become toxic adults may help you feel better about yourself. However, having some understanding, compassion and empathy for bad childhood experiences and memories that continue to fester and linger in their personalities does not change the fact that their toxic attitudes and behaviors will continue until you stop allowing them to hurt you and your life.
Toxic people are this way because they can and often do get away with it, and it works well for them. If it didn’t work, and work very well, they wouldn’t continue doing it.
Toxic People Will…if not dealt with:
- Rob us of our dignity.
- Destroy our self-confidence.
- Increase our stress levels.
- Cause health problems.
- Destroy our morale.
- Destroy family relationships.
- Foster negativity.
- Decrease productivity.
- Get you fired from your job.
- Drive you to bankruptcy.
How to Deal With Toxic People and Family Members:
Recognize that toxic people have issues within themselves, and their toxicity has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. In life, everyone has to take personal responsibility for their own choices, attitudes, actions and behaviors. Toxic people do not do this. You become their personal target. They habitually turn things around and manipulate you to the point where you feel bad, you feel guilty, you feel like you are at fault, therefore responsible for their problems.
You may even begin to feel like you’re “going crazy” or “losing your mind”, wondering if you have become the victim of a psychopath desperately trying to manipulate and control you. Once you recognize the toxic behaviors that are engulfing your life and health, it allows you to take your power back.
Keep emotionally toxic people from ruining your health and happiness by setting limits and personal boundaries, assertively speaking up for yourself, and standing your ground. Don’t make someone else’s problems your own, but physically and mentally distance yourself from the negative and toxic people in your life, which may or may not include cutting the person out of your life entirely.
Knowing what it means to “let go” of negative people, along with their personal demons and issues, allows you the strength and determination needed to live your life without the constant barrage of criticism that can easily erode your own self-esteem, health and well-being.
Dealing with family members and in-laws can be especially difficult and stressful. If there are family members or in-laws that treat you like their personal doormat, criticizing and ridiculing you for everything and anything, you may have to consider putting a strict limit on how often you associate with them, if at all.
Holidays and special occasions can quickly become a dread, where just the thought of being around toxic relatives or friends causes your blood pressure to rise to unhealthy levels. You have the right to decide who to associate with and who not to associate with, who is or isn’t invited or welcome to step foot into your home, including toxic family members.
Toxic people
Surround yourself with positive influences, people who genuinely care about you and are supportive of you. These loved ones are a great defense and support group against the negativity of all kinds of toxic relationships or toxic family members, allowing you to choose for yourself to no longer be a victim of their malicious and abusive behaviors.
Are you dealing with problems and conflicts of being in a toxic relationship? Do you struggle with how to respond and react to ridicule and criticism from toxic family members? Share your personal story or even ask a question by leaving a comment below.
Related Posts:
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12 Rules for Raising Delinquent Children
Building Self-Confidence in Children with Self-Esteem Activities
The Sociopath Next Door – The Ruthless vs. Us
Characteristics of a Psychopath
Relationship Deal Breakers: Non-Negotiable Boundaries
Understanding Assertiveness: Getting the Respect You Deserve
What It Means to “Let Go”
How to Get Along With the In-Laws
How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law
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Wow. This is really good stuff. I’m going to have to print it out and let my wife read it – she and I both are dealing with a couple of toxic people in our lives. So true about every one of those characteristics, and how well they can manipulate you into feeling like scum, all the while making themselves appear to be flawless.
Very interesting post! While it is fairly easy to just write off toxic people in your environment, it is a heck of a lot more complicated when it is a family member. I actually put an end to a 15 year relationship because of a toxic mother-in-law. She may not have been the only cause but she sure was a decisive factor. Thanks for thoughful post.
Hi Tom, I’m glad you found this article to be helpful in dealing with toxic people; everyone has a toxic person they have to deal with in some way, so hopefully this provides some information that can help.
U.L., mother-in-law problems are so common, and it’s unfortunate that these relationships become toxic and marriages are affected and ended. Sometimes people just have to do what they have to do, including ending relationships as you mentioned.
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This post hits the nail on the head.
I know . . . I’ve lived it and recently distanced myself from a family member because I decided that I could no longer tolerate the toxicity.
Actually, her husband is even more toxic than her but she allows him to put her down in front of me, walk all over her, use her, and generally be a big old’ obnoxious blowhard while she sits there and does nothing for herself or those around her.
Years and years of being manipulated and told half-truths finally took a toll on me. I got tired of hanging up the phone and feeling bad about myself and my family every time I spoke to her because, of course, everything she does is right and her children are perfect while neither my children nor I can do anything right.
Most importantly, I got tired of being sent a very clear message by her: Her friends are more important to her than her family.
So . . . sadly, I had to remove myself from the situation for the sake of my own physical and mental health. Ironically, everyone in town talks to me about how lovely, gracious, generous, etc. she is and what a wonderful hostess. That’s because they don’t see the real person — the true self she shows only to her family. For instance, she installed a pool at her house a few years ago. All of her friends have been over for pool parties, and her kids have had their friends over numerous times. We’ve never been invited and her kids have never invited my kids to swim. When I told someone that recently, she just stared at me. I truly don’t think that she believed me.
As you said, toxic people get away with their behavior because they fool a lot of people.
Not me. Not any more.
Great article!
JHS, wow! A lot of people, especially family members, have a real hard time wrapping their mind around the idea that it’s sometimes necessary to completely detach from the toxic people in their lives.
As unfortunate as it is that families deal with these kinds of problems with other family members, when there should be love and respect shown amongst everyone in the family, the toxic people cannot be allowed to damage or destroy our own self esteem and good health, and everyone must accept their own right to choose whether to associate with them or not.
Having children around toxic people on a regular basis can easily destroy all the good parenting done, and sometimes kids will pick up toxic behaviors from those around them, and then even more problems arise for parents to have to deal with.
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I wish I had read this article years ago. My future in laws fit this description to the T. My fiance and I were just dealing with the fact that maybe we need to avoid them completely. We thought it was harsh but now we realize we need to do this to save our relationship and our happiness. As I kept reading on I was like oh my yes, that’s it, they are that way. It’s refreshing to know it’s them and NOT ME. I knew it all along but it’s nice to have some guided advice.
Hi Michelle, toxic people really take a toll on relationships and marriages. It’s good that you and your fiance’ have already talked about these problems and are prepared to take active steps to disengage from such people.
It is not harsh to avoid toxic family who cause stress, anxiety and numerous problems for others in the family. It just might ensure your marriage lasts a long time by doing so. Good luck!
It’s really difficult to draw the line and put toxic people, especially if they are close family or friends, out of lives. A lot of people consider it loyalty, but at the same time, it seems like continuing to take their toxicity without any punishment (in the form of isolating them) almost encourages the behavior to go on and on. Maybe if enough people stood up to them and said “I can’t take your behavior anymore,” they would find motivation to change.
Hi Kristi, dealing with toxic family members is especially difficult but some people simply have no other choice but to completely avoid them altogether.
Some have even decided to move away from family, some even hundreds of miles away, just to be able to get rid of the toxicity they are experiencing that is driving them nuts.
I was recently asked if toxic people know they are toxic? I replied by email telling them that people that are this way simply don’t care to know if they are or not. They just want what they want, and they don’t care who gets hurt in the process, nor do they take into consideration how it affects marriages and relationships. Simply put, they are too selfish minded to care.
We have an award winning toxic “be-otch” in our family. For years she soured parties and dominated games and caused unecessary argumentsand hurt feelings. It caused our family to slowly all avoid any get togethers at all. Then I got mad! I thought I was “keeping the peace” by allowing her behavior to go unchalleged but we were all getting walked all over. So my neice and I had a pow-wow & decided we would have our family gatherings and simply point out any stupid manipulating she tried and stop it “dead in it’s tracks. Of course this caused some tense situations a few times but the toxic person has become quieter and often doesn’t attend our gatherings. It’s been wonderful! Some times you just gotta stop them from the game they like to play.
wow. thank you. i am dealing with the toxicity of jealous family members and i am happy to know i am not alone. they play “victim” to generate sympathy from others and it doesn’t matter whose expense it is at. as a mother of two young children now, i realize i must figure out how to deal with this effectively. it is very hard to ignore their antics, but i realize more and more that if i let their mean comments and bad attitudes affect me, they beat me. in order for me to succeed, i must learn to dismiss their behaviors for the meaningless nonsense it really is.
thank you for this article and allowing me to vent.
Candeelady, it’s great that you found a solution to the problem your family was experiencing and that it’s been much more peaceful for family gatherings since speaking up. Good for you!
Donna, I’m glad this article helped you. Having young children seeing and hearing this sort of nonsense from family members can actually teach kids to become toxic themselves as they grow up, especially when they find the antics of others actually working to their own selfish advantage.
Such a help!!! I was starting to think I was the crazy one. Thank you, Thank you!!
I’m in a tricky situation…I’m slowing coming around to the conclusion that my wife,whom I love, has many of the traits of a toxic person. I try very hard to make her happy and do what she wants, and it’s never enough. I am routinely put down and devalued, and I have a tough time thinking of the last time she said something nice to me. I’m very far from perfect, but damn, I try hard. She refuses marriage counseling–I’ve begged, but she says she doesn’t want to have someone tell her she’s wrong. She’s talked abourt leaving, and I don’t want my marriage to end, but it would be something of a relief. I don’t want a divorce, mainly b/c we have 4 kids, and I hate what that would do to them (fortunately she saves most of the toxicity for me and spares them). And sometimes, for no good reason I can tell, she stops and things are good for a few days–and then they’re very good. But it never lasts. I’m frustrated and don’t know what to do. I’m telling myself that it’s not me–I can’t be THAT bad.
But the positive self-talk seems like it can only help so much…
Hi Matthew, definitely a tough situation for anyone to endure. From what you’ve said, it sure seems as though your wife is the one “calling all the shots” so to speak, AND is being mentally and emotionally abusive towards you, her own husband.
Children learn what they live, and whether or not she inflicts her toxicity directly at the kids, you can bet they know about and feel what has been going on in their home within the deepest parts of their souls.
Divorce is sometimes the only solution to save yourself and your sanity. And your children’s mental and emotional health; and don’t forget the well known fact that children who are raised in abusive homes have a very high chance of becoming abusive partners themselves as adults.
I can’t tell you what to do in your situation Matt. It’s your choice to decide what to do. Just keep in mind that either choice has its own consequences for the kids especially. Which would be better and which would be worse?
I wish I would have read this article earlier. My father recently passed away and my aunt and cousin are expecting me to respect and welcome his abusive girlfriend. He was with her for fifteen years and in those fifteen years, she was so cruel to me. They don’t respect the fact that I want to distance myself from her. They think I’m just being mean and won’t believe me when I try to explain why I want nothing to do with this toxic woman. I’m thinking of cutting off not only this woman, but my aunt and cousin as well. Having toxic people in your life isn’t good for you, mentally and physically.
Megan, I’m very sorry for your loss. Losing your dad and having to deal with toxic people in your life all at the same time has got to be very difficult.
Life is too short to waste time with people who are abusive in one form or another. You have every right to distance yourself from those you have found to be hurtful and abusive towards you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Do whatever you feel you must do to not be bullied by people, and the fact that the girlfriend was with your father for 15 years has nothing to do with what your personal experience has been with her. Respect your own boundaries and don’t allow anyone to pressure you into doing anything with this woman that you don’t feel comfortable about. Hugs Megan!
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Toxic people, well I must say I stumbled on it by sheer chance. It reminded me of my boss, He was the worst ever human being to deal with. He would try to bring down at each single moment he got. I think people who are toxic really have or suffered a mishap in one area of their lives. People who do that again are victims of their own circumstances and being a toxin to other people is their way of ‘release’. But I am glad coz’ I am human enough to stand on my two feet and ‘detox’ all the toxins in my ’system’ for me to function effectively. So my advise is for us all to detoxify all the toxics and start anew. But don’t hate while you at it because you will turn toxic yourself.
Toxic people are everywhere, and we encounter them in every area of our lives, including our jobs, relatives and neighbors.
It really is all about using our own backbone and standing up to the toxic people or toxic family members that are driving us nuts. Life is simply too short to stand around being bullied by people, even if they are family members and extended relatives.
[...] stress in your marriage due to their own false expectations of time spent together; conflicts and arguments with toxic family members over where holidays and special occasions will be spent; disagreements over how grandchildren [...]
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I finally stood up to a toxic family member who is manipulative and tries to invalidate other people’s feelings.
She was yelling at me about something that had happened between me and another person, and I couldn’t get a word in edge wise I finally just told her to lower her voice and she hung up on me. , The relationship has changed and commnication has decreased which is probably a good thing. I will be cordial and polite, but that’s about all. I am tired of the manipulation and constantly being “thrown under the bus.”
I know that I will have to deal with her at family functions by being polite, but how do I get out of famly camping trips which my husband looks forward to? I don’t want to spend 4 days with this person.
T, this sort of thing happens all the time with toxic people making life difficult for everyone around them, and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it.
Is this camping trip just between you, your husband/children and the toxic person/spouse? Is it limited to a very small group, perhaps only the four of you, or are there other family members involved which make the trip a large event?
How does your husband feel and react to the problems associated with the toxic person? Does your husband know and understand how stressful it is to be around this obnoxious person? Would he be willing to consider camping trips without this person being invited along?
Can you invite other couples, other family members, close friends to make up a group that will ensure everyone (especially you) can and will enjoy going camping rather than dread it? Have you discussed with your husband the possibility that you may decide not to go on the trip if this person is going too?
T, it really comes down to making a decision, personally and as a couple, what behavior you are willing to tolerate vs. what is completely unacceptable, to the point where you may have to decide for yourself and your own health and peace of mind that you choose to “have other plans” that weekend. Perhaps a girlfriends weekend trip in the opposite direction that “just happens” to fall on the same weekend as the camping trip.
Hi Lin,
Thanks for your reply.
This trip is for family and friends. My husband may go by himself for a couple of days which I am OK with. He really enjoys hanging out with his friends.
I normally do enjoy these trips but the last trip was very negative and not much fun. I think a lot of it is that I had not been assertive with this person until now, so her efforts of manipulation really bothered me.
I just don’t need the drama especially when I am stuck out there with her.
There is another friend who goes that is toxic as well. Between the two of them, I am miserable.
Tonight I had another incident where we happen to be together and she got upset with me because I was asked by another family member to give my opinion on how something was written. I gave a suggestion to make it flow better and she took it personally and walked away. I can’t win!!!
I just took the high road, and acted cordial and polite. Although she did not say goodbye to me and was obviously trying to avoid me, I took the lead and said my goodbyes to her.
I think I will have to continue to minimize my contact with her. This is a shame but I don’t want or need the added stress in my life.
She,of course, will tell everyone her side of everything and I just hope that my true friends and family members will take it with a grain of salt and stand by me.
Thanks again for your reply.
T
Hi T, being assertive (especially with toxic people) is an absolute must, and I’m glad you’re standing up to her. Don’t be surprised if she tries other tactics to get under your skin now that she knows you won’t just sit quiet and take her abuse. Isn’t it great to have a strong backbone?
Hopefully other family members realize how she is and won’t believe her lies and manipulations. They may see her for who she really is, but they may not have a specific word to attach to her like “toxic”. A lot of people have the tendency to just look at the symptoms of lying, manipulating, gossiping etc and not yet have a word for it in their minds. Toxic people do drive people nuts, and avoiding them as much as possible helps a lot to reduce if not eliminate the stress. Good luck T.
I am in the process of disengaging abruptly from all 3 of my siblings. I have tried to do this in the past and each time of ‘peace’ (about 3 or 4 months), my physical, emotional, and spiritual health improves dramatically. My father is very ill; decisions need to be made about the house, bringing all 4 of us into contact again over the past 2 weeks. Disaster. I am the ‘mess-up’, yet again and told them off (felt good!) so soundly, I felt nervous and depressed afterward. By supportive family and friends, I did not back down. Now, having reached one by phone (need info about our dad), she seems completely demolished. But, thank God, I finally don’t feel responsible for that. Years and years “they” said all kinds of negative things ‘in concern’ about me to anyone in the extended family. This started over 10 years ago when I started to believe I have been fearfully and wonderfully made and am loved JUST AS I AM by God. No longer their dumping ground, they are quite the unhappy lot. Seriously, I let them ‘have it’ last week, only. I know to be well, to walk forward into joy, I need to leave them all, even if they won’t or cannot acknowledge my ‘good-bye’. I will always feel for them, as they are who I grew up with. But I finally found myself after I stopped letting them define me!! (smile). If anyone is going through a ’sweep’ of rejection, as I have….just know God loves you. And…you can walk away. If you feel desolate, seek counselling. You’ll love knowing you’re a worthwhile individual in your own right!!!
Eileen, I love reading stories of people who finally stand up to toxic people who are destroying relationships and families. It sounds like your backbone is working quite well and you’re not afraid to use it anymore. Good for you! The worst thing people can do when dealing with toxic family members or others they come in contact with is to continue to back down and internalize all the toxicity. Each and every time a person backs down and doesn’t stand up for themselves makes the toxic person feel better! They tear you to shreds with their attitudes and behaviors and viciousness, and they walk away feeling empowered, while the “victim” of the attack walks away feeling like shattered glass. Hello????? What is wrong with this picture? Stand up for yourselves like Eileen has, and show these toxic people you aren’t going to take their abuse anymore! Good job Eileen!
Thanks, Lin. Too many people ‘look the other way’ (myself included) and these folks usually do not WAKE UP on their own. I have one daughter that we’ve (hubby and I) WORKED ON since she was little, since she has had entitlement issues from the age of 3! She could not make and keep relationships throughout much of her life until about 2 years ago. (she is in her 20’s) We put her in intensive therapy (which she LOVED at first, since she craved attention) and kept ‘our’ spine. She is really a terrific woman these days, no longer someone I wish would move far away (she lives at home and attends college locally). She has been one of my staunchest allies, having grown up and watching the family dynamics. If caught early, by an alert parent, this type of behaviour/person can be grown ‘OUT OF IT’, imo. But not without alot of tenacity and steadfastness in not allowing the BS. I actually googled “leaving a toxic family” and found you! Thanks for this article and your ‘cheers’ to all.
Eileen, one of the things I often hear is “I don’t want to make waves” or, “turn the other cheek” and even “just be the better person and ignore it”. Oh please… That sounds like the talk of someone who has regularly and routinely been spineless, PASSIVE to an extreme, or someone with such low self esteem they start shaking internally just thinking about being assertive.
One of the biggest problems I’ve seen or have heard about through private emails from visitors such as yourself Eileen, is that husbands are standing by saying and doing nothing while his family degrades his own wife for one nit-picky thing after another, and then wonders why there are serious problems in the marriage and why the wife is seriously considering divorce.
I mean come on….who would want to stay in a marriage where the husband (or the wife) says or does nothing when their own family members are constantly and routinely attacking their chosen life partner? R.E.S.P.E.C.T or D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
Yeah, I hear that Lin. We (hubs and I) got into counselling 3 years into the marriage. Before then, he always took his family to task for the junk they flung regarding me, but I felt crappy that he wouldn’t break the relationships. I ended up giving an ultimatum. Ended up going by myself 2 or 3 times (counselling); that convinced him I was serious. We learned SOOO MUCH about neurotic and psychotic behaviors; the differences and the similarities. That (the counselling) was so significant in stopping the enabling in my spouse. It was a wonderful feeling to have a professional (and trust me, it was more than one) side with me!!! My husband snapped out of his ‘coma’. I know I would have had to have left him if he chose not to.
It’s amazing how many people we all come into contact with throughout our lives that are sociopaths/psychopaths and people don’t realize until much later just what type of person they are/were dealing with.
[...] 11, 2008, she delved into a subject that struck a chord with me, as well as many other readers: Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members. And it is that post that has earned Lin the Post of the Day [...]
[...] marriage and parenting at TellingItLikeItIs.net and she has written this excellent resource: Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members I found that by just jumping into situations my self confidence has increased significantly. It [...]
I linked over here from Cath’s blog. I had earlier made a statement that toxic family members are those who revel in your misery.
I tried to play peace-maker in my family with a toxic ex-sister for years. What did it cost me? My self-esteem, my confidence, and, ultimately, a viscious law suit after my father died – and she decided after 14 years of not speaking with him that SHE deserved his money.
In a way, that law suit (which she lost, with no chance of appeal) saved my life. Because we COULDN’T talk, as we were both represented by counsel, being sued by her was a blessing. I stopped cringing every time the phone rang. I no longer had to deal with her bullying abuse, and I finally broke away.
If only I had done it 30 years earlier…
Thanks,
Rita
Hi Rita, dealing with toxic people in our lives is incredibly difficult and stressful, but having a toxic family member causing problems really does destroy families. I’m thrilled your sister wasn’t able to win the lawsuit; sounds like your sister definitely fits the description of toxic people feeling “entitled” to whatever they can get, even if they don’t deserve anything at all. Good for you that you stood up and disengaged from the situation, and you’re the better for it as is your health physically, mentally and emotionally. Good job for standing strong and tough!
I really appreciate this article. Unfortunately, my mother is the toxic person in our family. I feel she has destroyed our family. She matches perfectly all of the characteristics of what defines a toxic person. I realize now after reading this article that I have to set some serious boundaries and not allow her to make my life miserable anymore. I love my mother and it saddens me to think that in order for me to live peacefully and happily, I have to limit my association or cut her loose. Things are out of control and yes, I do feel like I am going crazy and my finacial world is upside down. This article was indeed a blessing. For to long my mother has manipulated my sisters, brother and father and has run guilt trips and introduced rediculous dramas into all of our lives. She is not an evil person but a person who was not loved and valued the way little girls should feel. I really do pitty her but only she can heal herself “not I” so she can hopefully have the kind of life full of happiness, peace and stability. This article really addressed some deep feelings of guilt, sadness, and worry that I had weighing heavy in my head.
Thanks for tipping me off to this article. Blended families and toxic people do seem to go hand-in-hand don’t they?
I’ve just begun my efforts to create boundaries – it’s not going over so well with the toxic influences but it’s sure been peaceful around here
Gayla, I was happy to tip you off. When I saw your tweet on Twitter about your situation, I couldn’t help but pop on over and try to give you a boost. Hang in there!
I’ve been dealing with toxic relationships in my immediate family for as long as I can remember. From my mother to my sister, it’s been an extremely difficult thing to deal with. I’m over 40 now and each of them continues to do the same things they have done for years and years, only now, it’s more aggressive now that I am am adut. It’s hurtful and isolating, as if my being a member can somehow be undone. These behaviors have not destroyed the family as much as alienated me from it. What’s most difficult is changing this perception. But every word I say is dissected and scrutinized, so no matter what I do or what I say, no matter how much my heart wants to heal the rift created, somehow, I am still to blame for the lack of a solid foundation between my mother and me as well as my relationship with my sister.
So, I understand the concept of toxicity here far too well. I also understand that no matter how hard I try, it won’t be enough.
Anonymous, toxic people wreak havoc in everyone’s lives, whether it’s toxic family members or others we come in contact with on a daily basis. Being part of a toxic family is especially difficult, as it seems to be never-ending, with no hope in sight for a better relationship.
Putting distance between yourself and the toxic people in your life, including family members such as your mother and/or sister, really is the only way of dealing with these people.
Disengage, disassociate and detach, reminding yourself that you are not to blame for their toxicity and negative attitudes, but that you need to distance yourself in every way possible in order to protect and safeguard your own mental and emotional health.
Maybe, just maybe, some toxic people will get a clue that they have a serious problem of their own when everyone they know no longer accepts their phones, emails, letters, visits anymore. It’s all about them and has nothing to do with you. Hang in there!
Lin: I just had to check back in here . . . I tried to resurrect my relationship with my toxic family member. I sent her flowers on her birthday and arranged to have lunch with her. But it is readily apparent that we cannot have a relationship. Looking into her eyes was like looking into two glaciers — cold as ice or steel, and about as compassionate. Worse, she denied saying some of the things that she has said over the years to the point that she suggested I see a psychiatrist because I am obviously suffering hallucinations. That was it. I got up and left the restaurant with the knowledge that I will not be seeing her again. I simply can’t. I came home, told my husband what she said, and he just stared at me because he clearly remembers the comments &, most importantly, my reactions to them at the time. Ultimately, he announced that he feels sorry for her and is sad for me that it is impossible for me to have a relationship with her, but is relieved not to have to interact with her, either. I’m going to write more about all of this, but wanted to let you know that your article has been very helpful.
JHS, from what you describe about your family member, she definitely fits the description of a toxic person. Everything is your fault, huh? YOU need to see a psychiatrist, huh? Yeah, that’s typical of toxic people for sure.
I’m so proud of you that you had the courage to stand up and walk out of the restaurant. Some people would have just felt beaten down even more, gone home and felt even worse, and even start to second-guess themselves rather than realizing the true origin of the toxicity.
The absolute only way of dealing with toxic family members or any other toxic person in our lives is to disengage, disassociate and detach.
That’s what it takes, and you’re better off without this type person destroying your self confidence and mental/emotional health. I look forward to reading what you have to say about it.
I recently stumbled across the ‘toxic relationships’ definition and WOW was it unbelievable to hear what people had to say – - it matched quite a few people in my life. Unfortunately, my past has consisted of many ‘toxic people’; my parents, boyfriends and I included. As defined, I would have been ‘the drainer’. I had become so involved with so many people in my life that would belittle me, accuse me of cheating, not support me in my goals, etc., I lost all respect and self love and in turn would cling to people for answers and guidance (not my proudest moments) I felt completely crazy. After a lot of counseling, books and time to develop who I actually was, life got tremendously better. I now am dating a guy (John) who is caring, non judgmental, has a nice family and treats me with respect. I feel like I know who I am again and I cannot begin to explain how difficult it was to move on. I felt so incredibly stuck with where my life was. My only issue I have now is John’s two sibling’s are incredibly rude, uncaring, etc ‘toxic’ to him and his/their parents. I hate seeing how John and his parents allow these two to act. They never stick up for themselves and it gets exhausting hearing the drama between them. I have made a few statements about how they should stick up for themselves but respectfully I can only say so much. Any advice?
Hi Jenny,
It’s really a shame that things are going well for you and your boyfriend in your personal relationship, but you are dealing with rude and uncaring behaviors with his two brothers. Wouldn’t it be great if some families at least had NO toxic people in it whatsoever?
“The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior” is a quote I believe so strongly in.
I wish I had a crystal ball to look into the future and tell you whether things will improve with his brothers behaviors towards your boyfriend and his parents. The fact that it continues without any repercussions from the parents in particular tells me that there may be some difficulties with being assertive and having set boundaries on what behaviors are allowable and which are not.
You’re right in that there really isn’t a whole lot you can do about it. You can certainly respectfully discuss your feelings with your boyfriend, and you may want to suggest he read this article.
The real question I would recommend that you consider (especially if you have any hopes of marrying this man) is How much drama are you willing to put up with? “It gets exhausting hearing the drama between them”. Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life listening to what goes on amongst the family? What are your “relationship deal breakers”?
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
This weekend Jon and I went to his parent’s house to make Christmas cookies. Saturday John had his basketball tournament and when we arrived his siblings and their significant others were there. Jon’s sisters husband grabbed John and threatened to punch him, swore and made a big scene in the gym. It was very embracing and of course I was worried for John’s safety. This husband has three restraining orders on him already and always threatens to kill people, including John. I began wondering long term with John, what the consequences would be. This husband is crazy and if he feels fine threatening John what would keep him from threatening John’s kids (my kids)? This guy is someone I would have to deal with my entire life and life is complicated enough as it is. I don’t know what to do about it. I have dealt with scum enough in my life; I don’t want to deal with it any more. I love John, but at what point do you need to step back from the drama of the family to keep your sanity and know it is keeping you and your future family safe?
Jenny, that’s horrible! What are others in the family saying about this guy? What is everyone doing about him if anything? What is your boyfriend saying about the situation? What does John’s sister say and feel about her husband’s behavior and attitude?
If it were me personally, there is no way in heck that I’d continue in a relationship such as this one. Some people believe that loving someone is all that matters in a relationship and/or marriage, but I disagree.
The old saying that when you get married you marry the entire family and everything that goes with it is very true. The good, bad and especially the ugly.
I can’t tell you what to do, you have to decide for yourself if you are willing and interested in staying in a relationship where family violence, threats and abuse is common place. And the fact that no one seems to want to step up and deal with these type situations, preferring to stay quiet in order to “keep the peace”. What peace?! Sounds to me like it’s more a matter of insecurity, zero assertiveness whatsoever, and no willingness to put a great deal of distance between these toxic people and themselves.
Jenny, can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life in such a situation? You’re right to be concerned about the effect this would have on your children. Children live what they learn, and what they would learn being a part of this family is downright scary.
All in all, it’s up to you to decide when you have had enough and get away from all the nonstop drama to enjoy your life in peaceful, harmonious surroundings, with family that is loving and caring about everyone else. This one isn’t it.
Thank you so much for your insite Lin. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have someone else’s opinion on the matter.
Jenny, much luck to you in your decision. It’s a doozy for sure.
Merry Christmas!
For many years mother in laws have worn the label, “Mother In Law from Hell” but we never hear of “Daughter In Law’s from Hell”, and trust me, they’re out there. My son met my future daughter in law in 1995 and the married in 1997. From the second she met me she looked at me like I was vermin and this has never changed regardless of what I’ve done, or tried to do. I have three beautiful grand kids now yet I only know one of them because I kept my first grandchild, a grandson, from the time he was two weeks old until they moved a thousand miles away when he was three and a half. She accused me of being “obsessed” with my grandson and felt he thought I was his “mommy” instead of her…so…off they went. Because she wanted to break this bond I was not allowed to even talk with my grandson over the phone for up to six months, and neither was my oldest son, his uncle, that he had also formed a very loving bond with and called his, “bestest buddy”. My son? Well, he has allowed it unfortunately so it’s been thirteen years of hell not to mention all the “loans” that turned into giveaways over the years. Mother In Laws get a bad rap because who do they call when they want a sitter, or a loan? Dad’s aren’t as easily manipulated as mom’s are, they know this, and so it’s the mean ‘ol mom they whine to when they make irresponsble decisions. It’s too late for me but I would advise other mother in laws NOT to make the mistakes I made. I’m sixty-five now and living on a fixed income because of all the “loans” over the years that haven’t been paid back and probably never will. Her family has been treated like royalty, but again, I fault my son for allowing my daughter in law to bring nothing but total hell into our lives for thirteen years now. I raised him as a “Single” mom and we had a wonderful and loving relationship…until he met her…and nothing has changed with her at all. She’s as nasty today to me, and my oldest son, as she was the first day we met her and now I know why my son laughed when he first told me about meeting her. He said, “Mom, you’ll really like her. She’s a Preacher’s daughter.” Unfortunately, I had never heard those jokes and didn’t “get it”, but I sure do now!
Hi Sandi,
What you describe going on in your family happens in many families but most people refuse to acknowledge it or don’t know what to call it.
It’s called Toxic Family or Toxic Family Members.
It’s sad when there is conflict between mother in-laws and daughter in-laws, but it’s all too common. What I find especially disturbing is the number of men who refuse to deal with the issues between their wife and mom, preferring to turn a deaf ear to it all and just ignore it. Hoping it will just go away all by itself.
What you mentioned about the “loans” goes right along with other articles I’ve written on this site about “helping vs enabling” grown adult children. It never turns out quite the way it was envisioned or planned, and almost always creates further financial problems for the “kids” and the parents too.
I agree that Mother In-Laws get a bad rap a lot of the time. Hang in there.
I’m going thru a really hard time right now with really nobody to talk to (just someone to talk to outside of the family). I never really knew of “toxic” people before. I knew something was wrong, but then I just did an engine search about adult sibling rivalry and how to deal with it. It took quite awhile searching and not finding what I was needing that I kind of gave up searching. But I continued my search and came across your website. Upon reading the article, it really opened my eyes to see that there are other people out there that are going thru and have gone thru what I am dealing with. And all I want now to do is to talk to these people who have been thru it and can understand what I am feeling and doing and just get some help. I can talk to other family members, but I don’t think they really know the depth of what is going on and how long this has affected me. I really could tell you what is going on, but I don’t know if you want me to do it here. I can tell you this much, just to give you an idea of what’s going on….my mom is in the hospital right now. I have 2 sisters and we are all grown. I am a middle kid and am 41. My mom called me Christmas day to say she needed to go to the ER. She was having a weird lethargic pain in her right side mainly in the hand (couldn’t grip very well). Anyways, my sisters and I have never gotten along. We don’t speak for years and then things like this happen and I just dread having to deal with them because of past experiences in dealing with them. I could go on and tell you more detail of exactly what has happened in the past, but I won’t because it would take awhile just to get it all out and I’m not sure if this is the place you want me to talk about it. I asked my mom if she wanted me to call anybody to let them know we were here and she said no, she didn’t want to make a big deal and have everybody worried and coming up there. So they admitted her and the next day she called my younger sister. I spent the whole morning “preparing” myself on how I was going to deal and I wasn’t going to let her get to me. I was there for my mom and only her. But then the door opened and here she came with her husband. And everything I tried to teach myself and pump myself up on how to deal with them and let everything they say just roll off my back, just went right out the window. I am not perfect and I am not blaming anybody. I myself am toxic, as hard as it is to admit. But I am and have recognized it and know that I have to change. I knew one day my mom would need us and you never think this kind of day comes when you have to drop all your anger and resentment and hatred towards family members and focus on the one who needs help. Things said from my sister (over something petty) and I just lost it and said to her I will NOT let you do this to me. Then the husband said “zip it” to me. I looked at him and said “this is NOT your mother” and he said “yes she is” and I said “you need to worry about your own mother” and he said “THIS is my mother”. We went back and forth and we were just totally losing it. My sister yells at me that I am not needed here anymore and I need to leave and not come back and asked why now do you all of a sudden “care”. All I could say was how dare she say that when she knows nothing of my relationship with my mom and how I’ve been there when she needed me. And the whole time, the brother in law is telling me to shut up. I really didn’t mean to say anything but I was so tired of letting them control how I felt and the person I am. On another note, the brother in law has cut off his own mother because she finally divorced his dad (he is verbally abusive just like the BIL is) and she finally got the courage to leave. He went over there to where she was staying and totally ripped into her saying that it was all her fault and that she would never see the grandkids again. He pushed her. I had never really met her and I had heard my mom say that she was working at a department store here at the Chanel counter. I walked by and just quietly asked her if she was Mrs. Boler. She said yes, very nicely. I said “oh hi, I’m heather and we have never met”. She was so nice and so was I. Then I said “I’m the one they talk bad about” in a jokingly manner (which was true) and she replied saying “I’m the one they talk bad about too”. It took me back a little when she said that and I asked what do you mean? Then she told me that she was divorcing and what her son did to her and I was just totally shocked. She said she hadn’t seen the kids (my sister has 2, a boy 11 and a girl 16) in about 6 months. I told her I was so sorry and I really felt bad that they did this. That’s one of the meanest things somebody can do to a parent is to cut off contact between her and the kids. she kind of shrugged her shoulders and said “well, not much I can do about it”. I could tell she was emotionally drained. I went right home and told my mom and she said she knew about it and told me that Mrs. Boler’s kids have all cut her out of their lives because of the divorce. She was never the problem, it was always the dad. But I also all of a sudden, felt this feeling of I’m not alone. I’m not the only one with the problem since my sisters have always told me that I was the problem and I believed them. Anyways, that was the reason I lashed out and told the BIL that he needed to worry about his mom. I know I was imature and so were they. My cousin, whom I am close to, was there too in the room and kept trying to pull me away, but I had years of crying, hatred, depression, no self esteem and total hatred towards them just like they had for me just rise to the surface and I couldn’t do this anymore. They finally left the room and I said to my mom “why don’t you ever say anything and be on my side for once”. She said you just have to ignore them and not let what they say bother you. She’s always been like that. When we were little and we would fight, it was “go to your room or go play outside and basically separate”. It was never addressed and we weren’t brought back together to say I’m sorry and kiss and make up. It was never addressed. I don’t blame my mom for anything. I blame all of us for being so immature, hateful and bascially toxic people (me and my 2 sisters). I called my mom this morning to check on her and knew that if the phone rang in her room, she would answer because she knows that if someone else answered, be it my sister or BIL, they would hang up on me. So she didn’t answer and I called the nurses station and asked if she was up and if anybody was in there. They came back to say that yes she was up and there was a guy in there. I spent most of last night searching and reading things on toxic people and in some way found the strength to say “I will not let them control me”. I also called my cousin to tell her I was sorry for what she had to see the day before and she said that was the most awful and hateful and utterly horrible two people (my sister and BIL) she had ever heard. She said she wanted to say something so, but knew that they would have probably called security, etc. But it is not my cousins nature to do that. She is a total saint. She has always been there for me when I needed her and will sit and listen quietly to me. She never takes sides. I do lean on her a lot and I really felt bad that she had to see that. I asked her what would she do if she was in my situation and she said I would stear clear of this and them. I said I can’t because I’m doing this for my mom and I want to be there for her. You would think that us “adults” could just be civil to each other without bad things coming up. So this morning, the nurse when in her room and told her that I was on the phone. I was totally nice and mature and didn’t bring up anything from the night before because I wanted to just focus on her. I did tell her I was sorry and I said he was so mean and she said it was ok and yes, he was mean. I told her that I would be up later. Part of me just wanted to stay away and not put myself in that situation in being there with them both, but I knew this is what I needed to do to deal with it. And that was holding my chin up, focusing straight on my mom, and killing THEM with kindness. So I showed up with some flowers walked right in there being as cheerful as I could. That was so hard to do that. I said to the BIL, Hi, how are you? and he mumbled “i’m fine, you? and I said “oh I’m doing wonderful”! I know that was a smart ass, but I guess I was trying to find the humor in all of this and have found that if I can find humor in how this is all going, then I can not let them get to me. So I helped my mom wash her face, brush her teeth, etc. she wanted to sit up and the BIL immediately jumped up and started moving her legs and just doing things that to me was a little disturbing or just weird. Then in comes my sister. She lets out this big SIGH and a roll of the eyes. I very cheerfully (and being a smart ass) said “Hi, Hillary”! She didn’t see a word and I never looked at her when I said that. I never look at her in the face because if I do, I just shrink inside. And she won’t look at me either. So she’s on one side of my mom’s bed and I’m on the other and we were straightening out her sheets and she pulled the sheet up first and then I got the blanket and was pulling it up when my sister yanked the corner of it from me saying “I believe it goes over here” real nasty like and I said calmly “wait, it’s all twisted”. She immediately raised her voice and said “I think we need to do increments”. I quietly said no, stop. My mom made this big sigh like please don’t start this again. She yelled and said Yes, and I said shhhh, stop very quietly. She then yells, “you are starting this” and I just shook my head saying “just stop it” quietly. The BIL was kind of standing next to me and I was really expecting him to whip his head towards me and tell me to shut up, but he didn’t. But I was thinking in my head “increments”??? You mean shifts???? But I never said it out loud. I found it kind of weird that everything my mom was being shifted, the BIL would jump right up and start fixing her pillow under her foot. An intern came in and started asking questions and my mom would answer and he would add his comment saying, she did this but can’t do this, etc. To me I feel he is invading my space between me and my mom. I’m damned if I will let him take over and say this is his mom, etc. I think what’s going on is that he is compensating and doing things for my mom that deep down he should do for his mom??? That’s probably not the right word to use, but I notice I do that with friends and co-workers in that I really let my caring side come out for them so that I can deep down convince myself that I am not a bad person like my sisters say I am. I left the room to go run errands, but before I left I gave my mom a kiss on the cheek and said I love you. That right there took a lot for me to do because I have never told her that. But the minute I got into my car, I totally broke down. I’ve always been so mad deep down at her because I always wanted her for once to be on my side and saying something to them. It really bothered me that she didn’t say anything to the BIL after his really mean comments. But I am learning and I keep telling myself that it’s not my mom’s nature to do this. She doesn’t like conflict and tries to avoid it. We do talk about, but I only go home feeling so depleated and drained because I feel she really doesn’t understand how painful this is for me. I wish I had someone to stand next to me and stand up for me. I’m not married and I don’t have any kids or a boyfriend. I’m not desperate to find someone just for this reason because I know that’s not healthy. I think of a couple of guys I work with and wish they could have been there to put him in his place in a nice way. But I could never do this and ask someone to do this. I have to learn to be strong and handle these things on my own. After reading the article, I now know that I have to eliminate them from my life and find my own happiness. I don’t know how to do that, I don’t have the skills. I know what needs to be done and that it’s a daily thing that I have to practice and basically imbed it in my brain til it is second nature and if I have to deal with them, it won’t bother me. I’ve been thru so much…counseling, anti-depressants, thoughts of suicide in the past, all kinds of treatments. I know what needs to be done, but when I work on it and I feel strong and know that I can handle them, the minute something happens like my mom going in the hospital and just knowing I have to deal with them, all my training just goes right out the door. And it’s like I have to start all over again. I really could go on and on about this, but I know I’ve taken up too much of your time. After yesterday’s blow up, I came home just crying like I’ve never cried before feeling so depleted and drained and feeling so worthless and low and thinking back to past blow ups and thinking they must be right about me that I am a loser, which I get called that a lot. I just cried out to God why was He letting this happen and why after all this time of working myself up to being strong, I lose it in an instant and why was this happening and I just can’t understand why at times I’m toxic and why can’t I change and why can’t we just be civil to each other??? I pray for God to send someone who will stand by my side and stand up for me and help defend all the blows that come my way. I cried to my dad, who passed away 10 years ago,wishing he was here and begging for him to be here in spirit and giving me a sign that he is here, etc. So that’s when I started just searching the internet. There has to be people in my situations with my same problems. I want to be strong, I want to change. My sisters and I will never have a relationship and I’ve learned to deal with that. But I get so sad just thinking how I wish things were different. But it will never happen. Family members constantly tell me they love me and care for me and they tell me I need to form my own “family” and concentrate on that. But I don’t have my own family and I try to concentrate of volunteering and focusing on someone else’s needs which helps a little. I am such a wreck right now and I’m so torn in that I know that I need to be with my mom right now, but I can’t keep walking into that room knowing that there is such tension there. but they won’t leave and would never do a “shift” so we can avoid each other. And if my older sister was to come, which my mom has told her not to, then I would stay away because she has hurt me the deepest of all and I will avoid her at all costs. But when I do stay away, I’m the one that is told “you don’t care about mom, you only care about yourself and you are a loser”. After my dad died, which was very sudden (heart attack at 56), my younger sister called me to give me a “piece of her mind”. She just went on saying that I was the reason he died and I always used him just to get money, and said I was such a loser and I needed to do the world a favor and do away with myself, etc etc. I hung up on her and immediately called my mom and she said why didn’t I just hang up on her and just ignore her and not let what she said bother me etc. My mom never told my sister she shouldn’t have done that or anything. So that just confirmed that they were right and I would build up the anger and become that toxic person just like my sisters were, but to them I was the problem. I admit, which they won’t, that we did treat my dad like crap and only really talked to him when we needed something. All 3 of us did this. My dad did have an anger problem and my parents always would fight and yell a lot and I hated it. I am a lot like my dad in that way that I speak my mind and I will tell someone that they have hurt me. I did talk to my dad about 2 days before he died and I was asking him how he felt. He was battling a real bad cold and couldn’t take anything because he was on heart meds (he did have a heart attack 2 years earlier which again was full of drama at the hospital). And I got the courage up and told him that I cared. It was so sad that it took a lot for me to say that. My sisters never did. I guess it’s called stupid pride?? But he said he always felt nobody ever really cared about his feelings and I said who do you mean, expecting him to say me, and he said all three of you all. After my sisters call to me I did tell her what he said and she was like “yeah, right, whatever” meaning it was never them, just me. I spent a lot of time with him at the funeral home just begging for forgiveness. I wrote him a letter saying how much I loved him and how sorry I was and I put it in his pocket. Nobody knows to this day that I did that. Again, I could go on and on and on. But I believe that God brings people into our lives for a reason and that we all have a purpose and a plan for our life and there is a reason we go thru what we go thru to learn and grow. So I truly believe that “stumbling upon” this site was God’s doing. I just pray for help and the courage to let go and move on and be a happy, fulfilled, healthy person. Thanks for reading.
Hi Heather, I’m soooo sorry you’re having to deal with such nonsense as this. Don’t worry about the length of your message here, it’s not a problem at all.
From what you describe here, it appears to me as though you’ve been raised your entire life to not speak up, not stand up for yourself, but to just “go with the flow” of what goes on in your life. I don’t agree with your mom’s position in how she didn’t handle conflict situations with you and your siblings while you were growing up, and I don’t subscribe to the idea to tell children who are arguing and fighting to simply ignore what is being said or done. Parents MUST act and TEACH their children how to treat other people, including/especially their own family members. That is what Discipline is all about: teaching, training etc. You didn’t receive such teaching and training, but rather you’ve learned over the years to just put up with all types of B.S. handed down to you, with the expectation that you will just roll over and accept it.
But not anymore! Perhaps your mom (and dad?) never developed the skills necessary to deal with obnoxious people either, so they were unable to teach you how to do it as you grew up. But you can all on your own.
From what you’ve written here, I’m not sure that I would say that you personally are toxic. It seems to me that you’re reactions and behaviors are simply reactions to what others are throwing at you on a regular/routine basis. Getting angry and throwing a reactionary fit doesn’t make you a toxic person, but it does exemplify the common reactions from people who have been victimized by toxic people or toxic family members for a period of time.
You have taken on so much “guilt” due to what your siblings have been dishing out at you, and guilt over the fact that no one has had the “balls” to stand up and say No More! That’s just wrong on so many levels. The way your BIL treats you, telling you to shut up etc, is totally unacceptable and it makes me angry for you that no one including your mom has dealt with it. Now look at the effect it has had on you and your emotional/mental health.
The audacity of your sister to tell you that you should basically kill yourself is downright disgusting! We all have just this one life, and we all have to make the very best of the life we each have, and that’s why it’s often necessary to completely cut out of our lives the people who are toxic and mean and hateful to the core.
You have every RIGHT to decide for yourself to no longer associate AT ALL with your siblings who treat you like dirt under their holier than thou feet. You have every right to speak to and visit your mother whenever and wherever you two decide without any involvement from your siblings or BIL.
Here is my suggestion for you to mull over in your mind and heart: Keep your relationship with your mother as loving and healthy as possible. Make arrangements to visit her at the hospital when your toxic siblings can’t possibly be there (perhaps late at night or very early morning).
When she’s out of the hospital, make arrangements to visit your mom at times when no one else could possibly be coming around. Visit with her at your place, or go out for lunch, dinner, a movie together or other mom/daughter activities where there is NO discussion of other family members whatsoever. If necessary, mention to your mom at some point that you want to enjoy your time with her one-on-one without any mention of the others in the family brought up. If it happens, change the subject or say “let’s not talk about that/them right now, let’s just enjoy our time together”.
If you are unable to visit your mother at her place because others are always there, then initiate visits with her outside of her home each and every time. The important thing is to have an enjoyable, pleasant, healthy relationship with your mom whenever possible. The “where” doesn’t matter at all.
I also recommend that you not allow your siblings or BIL to contact you in any way. You can Block the phone numbers from your siblings so they get an automatic message any time they try to call you that you are unavailable. Change your phone numbers if necessary, making them “unlisted” and/or “unpublished” so they can’t be found by any kind of searching online or offline. If there is an aunt or uncle or other relative/family friend that you can trust to respect your wishes of not giving out your numbers or contact information to your siblings, perhaps that person can be the one who can notify you of any family emergencies that may occur at some point.
What I’m saying is: Allow yourself the personal right to disengage, disassociate, and detach. This is your life, and you need and deserve to live your life free of being mentally and emotionally abused by anyone, especially your own family members.
The longer you go without any involvement with your siblings, the more relaxed and stress-free you will be. Your overall health will drastically improve, and you’ll be the better for it.
I would also highly recommend that you read books about toxic people and toxic family members
, since this one article isn’t enough to help you get over the hump you’ve been dealing with.
I also recommend keeping and writing in a personal journey/diary
to be able to see for yourself how you’re feeling much better after you’ve stopped associating and engaging with your siblings. Use the journal to write your positive goals and dreams down on paper, and take active steps to make those things happen for you. The journal is not meant to write down all the terrible things being said or done to you; it’s to change the negative mental picture in your mind into a positive mental picture for yourself.
Each time you reach a goal, even something very small, write down in your journal how you FEEL about achieving your goal. Positive reinforcement on a regular basis, with ZERO negative garbage coming into your life, will drastically change how you feel right now.
Give this some thought. Mull it over. Put it into practice, and then please come back and let us know how you’re doing. Hang in there; It. will. get. better.
I am woundering if there is anyone that could help me out. I am married to an only child and we’ve been married for 11 years and have 2 girls 12 and 8. My problems really started when I felt something wasn’t right in my family and relationship. I constantly felt like a child not a married woman because my husband was so use to “checking in” with his parents, taking ours kids to their house because “they missed them and wanted to see them” (at that time my husband was also a over the road truck driver so time at home was limited with our family) I did suggest that we go to counseling to help and learn how to deal with “cutting the strings” because his mother has narcistic tendencies ,is manipulative and has a sense of entitlement when it comes to our family. We were taught to set bounderies didn’t work they badgered my husband and put big guilt trips on him said that we were keeping the kids from them etc… I don’t deal with them at all in that sense because the counselor said that it should be my husband that deals other wise they’ll just hate me…. well they think that our counselor is a quack and the motherin law has stated that “I’m not her favorite person”, they just won’t let up their idea of abiding with our bounderies is to lay low and basically give it time and go back to their same ol tricks. I’ sick of the roller coaster ride!!! I sometimes feel that my husband doesn’t stick up for me (HIS WIFE!!!!) and our kids enough. it feels like hes on a fence and has to pick n choose where he wants to have his loyalties. My husband also gets tired of it all and I think that he’d just go back to how things were if I didn’t “bring up issues” and make him deal with them. I guess my question is when is enough enough?? Do I just lay things on the line and tell him its either this or else?? I’ve encouraged him , I’ve patted him on the back when hes done something that was difficult, I’ve let him know that I realllly appreciate what he has done, and how it makes me feel that he cares…..but I feel the steam running out for me is this how i have to be the rest of my marriage??? Is there anyone out there that is married to an only child that has similar situations???? I am starting to wounder what it is like to have a family with a committed husband and father. My husband gets so stressed out that it affects his parenting and home life hes crabby and short with the kids. what can I do to help my husband?? I have wanted to cut ties with his parents because I see them as being toxic to our family, but he’d just go behind my back n keep his toxic relationship going. I also didnt mention that the inlaws will corner our girls and question them and put guilt trips on them “oh we sure miss you ….why don’t you come and see us?” “what did we do ?” they were told to not question or put guilt trips on the kids because after all they are kids and they won’t understand everything and they don’t need to know everything that is going on. they just don’t think that they have to follow anything thats asked. I guess that I didn’t sign up for this outrageous mess. but here i am….
Hi Heather, I just finished reading your comments/questions and Lin’s suggestions and wanted to send you a message.
You are in the right place for help, believe me. Not too many months ago I found Lin’s website after looking for information on family enabling.
I am so happy that I did! I have learned so much about family, friends, etc., and now I am learning about toxic people who are in almost all of our lives.
I think you are on the right track by some of what you are saying and what Lin is advising you to do.
Just the fact that you recognize who the toxic people are in your life is a very good thing. You sound like a very caring person who has a lot of love to give. You shouldn’t feel like you are the toxic person in your family. It seems that your family members are trying to put you into that position because they cannot admit that THEY are the toxic people and have always put the blame for anything bad in their lives on you.
You can’t help what happened when you were a child anymore than any of us can. It’s time to love yourself and pray for guidance each day to believe you are the good person you are!
Please, please pay special attention to the advice Lin gave you regarding your mother and the time the two of you need to spend together without the drama from your siblings. That time will be remembered by both of you for as long as you live. You will never have to feel remorse for anything if you do that for yourselves.
I’m saying this because I lost my mother this past summer and because we never had the kind of relationship you can have with your mother. Unfortunately, my mother was the toxic one in our family. We never blamed her for it because of her childhood with her own toxic mother, but it hurt us so much. My remaining brother and I feel such sadness now. We tried so hard to have the kind of relationship with mom that we saw with friends and other relatives, but it didn’t work for us.
Don’t let your toxic family members destroy what good times you will have with your mother! You’ll be so much happier and you will realize that you may never have a good relationship with them because of who they are, not who you are.
Betty — thank you SO MUCH for telling me this. You don’t know how much that means to me to hear that I am not alone. I believe that God truly brought me to this website. In the past two days of dealing with absolutely horrible things happening, I have felt a tremendous peace within and it’s something I have never felt before. Lin is truly an angel with a gift to help others in ways we never knew we could heal or deal with on our own. I’ve been writing down everything she has told me to do and I’m writing your advice too in my journal which Lin advised me to get. I am ready for this, I’m ready for healing. For too long I’ve let them define the person I am and I became toxic too. Finally reading this article and talking with Lin, I realized it was not all me and this is a normal thing and I’m not alone. I am so sorry for you and what you have had to go thru and are still going thru. And I am truly sorry for your loss. No matter who it was and what kind of person they were, it still hurts. But I truly believe that our loved ones that have passed on truly are there with us and we can talk to them. I felt just like you when my dad died, but talking to him in spirit and prayers really helped because deep down I felt this feeling that he really understood and that we have had a “forgiveness” of some sorts and we were ok. I pray that you all will find peace and live the fullest life you can. I always would say to myself and friends that watching the behavior of my sisters and me and my parents was teaching me how NOT to be with my kids and relationships. I don’t have kids or a husband, but I hope one day I do. But I have to get better before I can be good for anybody. Again, my prayers are with you and I thank you again for such kind words.
Thanks, Heather.
I, too, have “talked” (with my mother) and have faith that she is in a much better place. She wasn’t evil; she just had a difficult time in her life here. I always felt sorry for her, and loved her because she was my mom.
I wish you a very wonderful new year!
My sister-in-law fits the description of a Toxic Person perfectly and I know I should cut all ties but I can’t, even her brother – My husband wants to but I can’t. She has done and said awful things to and about my family but she is like a sister to me. I started dating my husband when I was 16 and she was 12, even though they didn’t leave together for most of my husbands teenage years because of divorce, we were still very close. My husband and his sister had pretty messed up childhoods, and my sister-in-law ended up pregnant at 16 by her 15 year old boyfriend. 14 years later she is still married to him and they have 4 children, the oldest two are boys and they have a muscular disease and are in wheel chairs. She has a pretty hard life that she is responsible for a lot of. She isn’t a very happy person to say the least. They spent a year leaving with us when they only had the oldest, he was actually diagnoised while they lived with us. We had no children at the time and I often refer to him as my “oldest” because it feels that way to me. I am also very close to the rest of her children, I even watched her give birth to her youngest.
Here lies the problem, about 6 months ago our families had a huge blow up and we haven’t really spoken or seen them. But about a week ago she sent me a couple text messages , which I confirmed from others in the family, that the 2nd oldest is having a possible life threatning surgery in next month and that I was welcome to be at the hospital or see him before. Every part of me wants to be there for him but how do I avoid being manipulated by his mother? My husband has his wall up and told me I could do what I wanted but he was done. She is also sending other messages trying to make me feel bad for her.
Hi Jen,
For six months there was no communication between you and your sister in-law, but now that her son is having some possible serious health problems, suddenly she’s coming to you. On her terms of course.
You say she’s like a sister to you. A toxic sister no less. A sister who has said horrible things about you and your family, and a sister who is the cause of most of her own problems according to what I’ve read.
You feel sorry for her Jen. You feel sorry for her that she’s had a difficult childhood and difficult life for a variety of reasons, some of which she’s brought on herself, right? Having compassion, pity, empathy etc for people is admirable of course. But.
It’s clear to me that this sisterly relationship is on HER terms, and that tells me this relationship/friendship/sisterhood is one-sided. You care for her and love her despite her toxic personality, and she now decides to message you after six long months of silence because she wants/needs a shoulder to cry on.
Re-read your last sentence above. “She is also sending other messages trying to make me feel bad for her. What does that tell you? What it tells me is m.a.n.i.p.u.l.a.t.i.o.n
Manipulation to get you to do what SHE wants, everything on HER terms, and if she feels that pouring on GUILT TRIPS will work, then by all means let the guilt trips commence. No holds barred.
Do you realize that you actually DID cut all ties previously and that it’s lasted six months so far? But now she “needs” you. You two share a long history together, growing up together in many ways, sharing the joys of children together etc.
She knows you very well doesn’t she? She knows what buttons to push with you, she knows what to say and what to do to get a reaction out of you that suits her, right? That last sentence says it all, at least for me. She’s knowingly, purposely pushing your emotional buttons to make you “feel bad for her” and give in to her not so subtle requests.
I can’t tell you not to go. I wish I could. You already know, as you said above, that she has the ability to manipulate you. That’s what she’s doing right now, and she has you playing an emotional tug-of-war game with yourself, and doing everything she knows how to do to guilt you into doing what she wants. As usual, right?
If it were ME, there’s no way I would fall for that sorry old trick and put myself in the situation of having to deal with this person anymore. Life is just too short to live it dealing with toxic people beating us down emotionally, mentally, spiritually etc. Think about the peacefulness you very likely experienced during those six months of silence; no drama nonsense to contend with etc. Why put yourself back into that same situation that has a long history of not being healthy for you?
Whatever you decide to do I wish you well in that decision.
Hi, Jen
I read with interest your story and Lin’s advice regarding not getting into the same old situation with your sister-in-law by going to the hospital. What a difficult situation for you.
Lin is so right about all that she said! The trouble would start all over again and maybe even be worse than before if you go to the hospital.
If anything you do or say (for instance, going to the hospital) makes life more difficult for you and the rest of your family because of your sister-in-law, it would be a very bad idea to go. It would also be bad for your nephew to be stressed before serious surgery.
My prayers go with your nephew and you!
I have a 28 year old daughter and I moved out of my own home (couldn’t get her to move out) 8 years ago because living under the same roof with her became intolerable. She constantly lied to me, manipulated me, stole from me, bullied me, created problems for me on my job (which I lost in the end because I became so ill from all the stress I had to resign), was so rude to my friends they stopped coming round to see me, alienated me from my family (got them to believe I was abusing her) and emotionally and mentally abused me.
In my case it was subtle and I didn’t see it coming. Her father disappeared when she was 3 and I struggled to raise her by myself. I was so busy and exhausted all the time trying to juggle everything (like most single mothers) – the situation just crept up on me very gradually and by the time I realized what was happening the situation had become unmanageable. There were no clear cut warning signs but in hindsight I can see that it started with very subtle manipulation (it’s easy to not pick up on things if you’re having to do 3 different jobs, have to shoulder all the responsibility, have no help or support and are exhausted all the time) and it just very very gradually escalated over the years until she had me completely under her control and at that point it wasn’t so subtle anymore but I fear it was too late. The thing is that she can seem totally charming and sweet to those on the outside so I just looked like the crazy one who was simply under too much stress and she was the victim having to deal with a crazy mother (she got lots of sympathy from everyone as no-one believed me and her behavior continued to be rewarding for her) she even fooled the one therapist she agreed to see (though she only went for 3 sessions) who came to the conclusion I was the problem (can you believe it?)
I’ve ended up with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and as a result lost everything I worked so hard to achieve, not only for myself but also to guarantee the future I had hoped to give her, has gone up in smoke.
I have spent quite a lot of time in therapy over the last 8 years trying to figure out just how this happened – how did I manage to screw it up so badly. I can honestly say I have done some serious soul searching, taken a good long hard look at myself turned over every stone and the conclusion I’ve come to is that while I admit I have made my fair share of mistakes as a parent I honestly don’t see how I contributed to her behavior. I behave nothing like she does. I like peace and harmony. I hate conflict and am quick to admit when I’m in the wrong and am usually the one who takes the first step in making amends when there’s been some falling out.
My daughter blames me for her behavior – in fact she blames me for everything. She tells me I raised her this way and that everything is my fault and that’s just the nice stuff. She’s very angry that she didn’t have a father when she was growing up. The first problems started to emerge when she was in her teens (at that time they seemed like normal teen-from-broken-home problems) and I saught professional help for her but she refused all help from anybody and it didn’t matter how hard I tried to help or nurture her she’d take everything I’d do for her and throw it back in my face and she’d turn around any positive guidance I tried to give her to fuel more negative and destructive behavior. Any boundaries I’d set would be completely ignored and disregarded. I can honestly say I tried everything – from tough love to lots of nurturing and kind supportive understanding but absolutely NOTHING I would say or do one way or the other seemed to make any difference whatsoever.
I still have contact with her and although we now live in different countries and I have had to put up boundaries as to how much contact we do have – we haven’t completely lost touch. However I’ve been seriously ill for the past 7 years but she never calls me to see how I am and whenever she does call it’s always because she’s screwed her life up again and wants me to comfort and nurture her and tell her that it’s all my fault and if I don’t she threatens to disappear leaving me no way to get in touch with her and leaving me to fear the worse (she’s threatened suicide in the past). She still subtley implies that all her difficulties are my fault and that I’m a total failure as a parent. On top of the CFS I suffer from severe stress, depression, anxiety and have frequent panic attacks. I realize that there’s nothing I can say or do to improve our relationship as I would do whatever it takes but she is unwilling. I am not the same person I used to be – she has completely taken everything from me, destroyed everything I worked for and totally drained me. My life is a living hell – if she weren’t my own daughter who I love with all my heart I’d have cut her out of my life years ago. I think this is what I will probably need to do – but I don’t know how – it hurts so much – it breaks my heart.
Wow Katy, what a heartwrenching story to say the least. The troubles between you and your daughter are very disturbing and I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this. There is definitely a lot of toxic behaviors going on here and you’ve been going through so many damaging effects of toxic family that it has been wreaking havoc on your life.
While reading your story and what you’ve described as the behaviors from your daughter, it reminded me of some very deep reading and research I had done a few years ago about “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” (NPD) and “Pathological Narcissism”. I certainly have no way of knowing or the ability to diagnose anyone with narcissistic personality disorder, but there are elements of what you’ve described that brought those articles and books on narcissistic personality or pathological narcissism to mind.
That being said, there are also things you’ve mentioned that create questions about other psychological problems like psychopath/sociopath manipulations, lies etc that came to mind as well.
I don’t know what causes your daughter to behave the way she does, but I can see the effects it has had on you over a period of many years. Only you can decide if or when to break all ties with her, or to greatly diminish the access she has to you and your life in order for you to have a life free of constant drama and problems she wishes to bring on you. Living in different countries should help some, but if your daughter is able to easily reach you and upset you on a regular basis and cause you a lot of stress and health problems, you may want to seriously consider taking necessary steps to greatly reduce the ways she is able to get a hold of you and keep it on your terms. I wish I could say more Katy, but I do wish you much peace and tranquility by reducing or eliminating the toxic influence she has on you and your life. Good luck!
Hi Lin,
Thankyou for your kind response. I have read about personality disorders and have considered whether she might have one as I’ve read that where there is one mental illness often there are others and on my mother’s side of the family there are mental illnesses (no personality disorders that I’m aware of but problems such as ADHD, ODD, depression, schizophrenia). When I tried to get help I mentioned the family history in addition to describing her behavior to doctors and psychiatrists years ago but I was met with disbelief and told I was neurotic that there was probably nothing wrong with her (how they could say this without knowing her I don’t know) and I just always seemed to come off looking like the crazy one, the nasty controlling mother who was projecting mental illness on her lovely, charming and absolutely normal daughter who was just going through the usual growing pains and if anything it was me who needed to get my act together.
I have suffered from depression myself since all this evolved but before was a fairly happy person and the counselors I have worked with over the years have found me to have an incredibly balanced mind and to be emotionally stable despite all the heartache I’ve been through.
I have taken steps to keep things with her on my terms as much as possible. Sadly over the last year it seemed things were improving and I thought perhaps I had been wrong all along and that it was just a case of her needing more time to grow up and mature (it’s amazing the denial and excuses we make in order not to face the painful truth) – I started to trust her a little more (not too much but I wasn’t as carefully guarded as usual) but then my sister passed away and my mother became extremely ill and, having already let down my guard with my daughter in addition to being vulnerable at that point, she took the opportunity to twist the knife in and torment me about my sister and mother (both relationships my daughter had managed to alienate me from).
Then a couple of months later while I was still grieving and still reeling from the last psychological assault she called in tears making out she was homeless, penniless, sick and alone – it turned out none of this was true however she knows I’m very empathetic and I would personally relate to this story since I myself have experienced being homeless, penniless while sick and alone (after I lost everything when I became ill and alone because she’d managed to alienate me from everyone) and that it was an extremely traumatic experience for me. It seems to me that the sole purpose of her lies is to cause me as much psychological distress as possible. She knows I’m on the other side of the world from her, that I’m very unwell (bedridden) and that there’s nothing I can do – all of this makes me feel so powerless. If I had to describe it I would compare it to some terrorist who has your loved one hostage and uses every method they can to tell you the horrible things and torture they are putting them through knowing you can do nothing. Yes it is very disturbing. There are times that, while I wish her well and hope she will make a turnaround and make something good of her life, I also wish never to see or hear from her again – and I love so so so much – I so wish we could have a close, loving bond (and she knows it) …
She’s talking about moving back to our hometown (which I don’t live far from) – but while I worry about her being so far away I fear for myself if she were closer. Since I am in no condition to move myself, I hope she stays put – at least until she decides to get serious help (don’t know if that will happen).
Thankyou for listening to me … It’s good to get this out and to be in a place where for a change I don’t feel like no-one believes me.
[...] Toxic Relationships-Toxic Family Members [...]
I have had a difficult five years, due to unemployment. My mother, sister, brother, and me all live together (I’m 47, my sister is 55, my brother is 52, my mother is 80). Yes…it’s a dysfunctional family. I had a “normal” upbringing, went to college and finished my masters by 25. However, having graduated in ‘87, Reagan’s economy was awful, and my career has had its ups and downs for years. Well, my sister, who dropped out of college in 1972, never went back, and has many times been out of work ENTIRELY, for years, with no intention of ever working, until maybe four years ago…she finally is holding down a job, as low-level as it is. Well, my relationship with her has gone from pretty close when we were about 20 and 12, to now completely awful. She has clearly become the most toxic agent in my life, with my brother a close second (he hits us every now and then, but that’s for another post). I can’t believe I’m even writing this, but I have not spoken to any of my friends in so long, due to my perpetual unemployment. And my sister just makes my situation worse. She’s mean, she brings up the past, she puts me down, she’s jealous that I studied in France 22 years ago, she says every day that I was a spoiled child, she completely puts words in my mouth every second she gets, she consistently says how much my mother would rather live with her alone if we ever were able to break up (financially, no one can stand on their own two feet now. My brother could have, years ago, but he’s been a BIG NEANDERTHAL BABY his whole life. He did manage to hold down a job for the past 18 years, but just recently was laid, last year, and was laid off again 7 months later, in February of this year. He could still afford a condo, but won’t buy one. He has had a self-fulfilling prophecy for 15 years that he could lose his job and not make, and so now he has.
I hate living here…I hate it with all the passion I had when I was young for singing, and theatre, and my friends, and travel, etc. Now, I’m miserable, I’m screaming with someone every day, I’m entirely flat broke, I can’t even find a temp job (though I was temping for three years straight, completely killing the time I needed to find full-time permanent work in my field. Then, the temp jobs even dried up).
I hate my situation, and frankly pray for my sister’s demise every day. Even though my brother is the one who has hit me in the past from time to time (until I finally called 911 on him), it’s my sister whose relentless accusations, insults, insinuations, lies, calls to the past, and completely mean, snide remarks that make me think of the peace I’ll have the day she dies. I hate her, and would love to never see her again. If only I had the money to leave this house, and never, never return.
Hi Susan,
Your experience with toxic people is very similar to many other people. You are not alone, but that of course doesn’t help you deal with the craziness that surrounds you. Is there anyone you know (other family members or close friends) that you could stay with temporarily while you get on your own two feet and move into your own place? Heck, if it were me in this situation, I’d bust my butt to even find a job flipping burgers to make enough money to move into a cheap hotel/motel room, rather than continue to struggle with toxic family members.
And, there is no way I’d put up with an adult family member thinking it’s okay to hit me; I’d call the police and have his butt arrested too. I can’t even imagine the stress this situation puts on your elderly mother. It must drive her nuts.
Keep looking for a job – any job- anything legal that would get you the money to move out (even into a motel room if necessary), and get outta there. You could always continue looking for a job that pays more and has better benefits once you’ve gotten outta there. I’ve often heard it’s easier to find a job when you have a job. Consider a job that is not in your field right now; you need money and there very well may be a job that isn’t in your field right now that would help you get by on your own, until a job in your field comes along. Even if the job is a “menial” job or a warehouse type job – a job is a job right now in this economy, so be open to taking anything job there is while you search for one in your particular field. Good luck!
Hi Susan.
Read your comments on your family and hope you will take Lin’s advice. She only gives advice to help and support us all.
If you don’t so something soon it will only get worse. Believe me, I know how having a toxic person in the family can affect all members. In our family, the toxic person is my younger daughter. Her influence on my older daughter’s life nearly killed her (attempted suicide) and landed her in more trouble than she ever thought possible. She and her younger sister share a co-dependency that is not healthy for either of them. Her younger sister is very good at manipulation. She had her older sister so upset over all aspects of her life for months that she stopped taking her meds, went into a bad depression, and got into trouble with the local authorities. While she has been awaiting transport to another facility, her younger sister has been using her money for her own use so that there will not be anything for her when she returns to her home, and tries to pick the pieces of her life. Because of this, she will lose her monthly checks for several months, her apartment, and her self-confidence. The ridiculous part of all of this is that she is still very close to her younger sister and defends her. I have tried to talk to her about letting me put some money into a savings account for her, but now she says I’m trying to “tell her what to do with her money” (I’m sure those are her sister’s words), and she hasn’t called me for almost a week. I have accepted collect calls from her at $4.50 a pop, and have tried to help her and support her, but her sister must be having more of an affect on her than I realized. This is not good. I can’t accept their problems anymore as my problems. They are adults. They will have to live with the consequences of their actions. I love them, but there isn’t anything I can do anymore.
Don’t let yourself get into a situation that will ruin your life like my daughter did. It isn’t worth it. Do what you have to do. You’ll be much stronger for it.
Hi, I’m Alexis and I am 15 years old.
I have a mother who says mean things to me all the time..I try really hard for her not to hurt my feelings ..but it always does hurt.. I feel like crying all the time :’(
She’s called me fat cow, dog sh*t, pig, fat, ugly, unnatractive, evil, horrible, failure, and much more things i wish not to say.
But she always makes me feel like I’m this horrible, mean person ..I know I’m not, but sometimes she convinces me…
I know i am a genuine person with a big heart. But when you hear those mean things coming from BOTH your parents , it tears you apart. :’( because i dont wont those type of people in my life , but when those people happen to be your parents..they are all i have :’(
i dont know what to do. i’m SOo confused. I feel so alone and sad all the time. :’(
what can i do ? ?
i pray everyday that the future will get better!
Hi Alexis,
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with things like this. It’s very sad to hear that parents actually say things like this to their own kids. It’s just not right to treat kids this way.
I would suggest talking with the school counselor for a couple/few sessions and expressing your feelings and the things being said to you. Then, when the counselor feels it’s the right time, he/she can arrange for a meeting with you and your parents to kindly and respectfully talk about these things face to face. Having a neutral party helping to guide discussions can really help keep conversations on topic and where there isn’t any name calling etc.
I know that school counselors are still accessible even when school is out for the summer, so if that is the case where you live, you can still find out how to reach your school counselor perhaps on the school district website or by calling the school or district office and ask how you can get in touch with the school counselor.
Perhaps having these conversations with a counselor will help your parents see the harm they’re doing by the things they’re saying to you. I really hope so. Please keep trying.
Wow! Lin, I’ve been reading these posts for nearly an hour and boy- did they hit home. I have a Mom whom I love, but is mentally ill. My brother and I have seen her through a couple of suicide attempts and many hospitalizations. We recognize the behavior prior to becoming manic (for her) as she becomes despondent, no interest in anything, crying, etc. But it seems that she’s changed polarity. She has been obsessed with babysitting my niece since she was born. Why? I’m not sure, but due to her behavior my brother and his family were reluctant. The mood swings and outbursts are unpredicatable. Regardless, my mother has never not been allowed to see her grandchildren (my brother also has a 12 yo son). No one has ever banned her regardless of her behavior. Well, a few months back my sister in law decided she would try to ‘mend fences’ with my Mom and start over. Three weeks later, my Mom called her leaving a voicemail saying she wasn’t welcome in her home any longer. She felt like my sister in law was solely behind her not keeping my niece and she said some other cruel things to her and my brother that I won’t air here. Since then, Mom has chose over and over to verbally bash them to me. I’ve asked her repeatedly not to and she said it was her ‘constitutional right’ to express her opinion. Well, since the ‘blow up’ her conversations are very heavy laden with bashing my brother and his wife and much negative talk about anyone else. Where I feel I failed with her was like many here just ‘turning the other cheek’. I was often told by my Dad, “I know, but she’s your Mom.” So, that’s what we did for years. Well, now it’s reached a point where she and I had a HUGE fight. I asked her again to not discuss my brother and his family. I tried changing the subject, positive talk and anything else I thought would help. She wants my brother back in her life but kept yelling, “I don’t want any dealings with that woman.” I reminded her that this was her grandchildren’s Mom and her son’s wife. She said she didn’t care. Then I did the stupid, I started yelling. I should’ve never allowed it to take me that far. She started telling me what was wrong with me (which isn’t new behavior). I told her 3 different times that if this was to become a bashing session that it had to end. By time 3, I was yelling (and am ashamed for it). She then hung up. I know what I said to her needed saying. I regret how. At this point, I’ve reached a breaking point with her. I don’t have a desire to talk to her and haven’t. Despite it, she calls leaving voicemails to say she’s sorry BUT that I’m too sensitive and immature if I’m still ’sulking’ and mad at her. These putdowns do not encourage me to talk with her. I don’t feel I’m quite ready to engage with her in conversation yet as I’m pretty angry with her. The negative, draining conversations are getting old. The only person that can change that is her. I’ve begged her to seek help and get blown off. I’m aware of her history of mental illness, but I’ve never seen her so angry with ‘the world’. She will even put down those who she claims she cares for the most. The sad thing is, she can be nice and decent and has been. But now when it comes to her children- she doesn’t want to. I guess I just wonder is there anything else I could do here to help. I’m not interested in fighting with her any more. Any ideas? Thanks for your patience with this long thread.
Vicky
Hi Vicky,
Wow, what a mess. Your mom is mentally ill, okay I get that. She feels she has a “constitutional right” to voice her opinions, negative or otherwise. If that is the case, YOU have a constitutional right NOT to have to be the one hearing her opinions.
She is your mom, like your dad has said, but… Where is it written that children must tolerate abusive speech from a parent, mentally ill or not? She is your mother and will always be your mother, but that doesn’t change the facts as they are.
She’s completely out of line with her attitude and behavior towards you, your brother and your sister-in-law. Losing your temper and yelling at your mom is understandable under the circumstances. Who could possibly put up with so much nonsense from one person for so long without losing their cool? Don’t beat yourself up about it – you will surely have an opportunity where (if you so choose) you can apologize for your outburst. She owes all of you a HUGE apology.
Here is what I would suggest that you do, and you can pass this along to your brother and sister-in-law as well, since it really applies to all of you.
1. Each and every time your mother so much as hints as though she’s about to go on a tirade about anyone in the family (or others), kindly but firmly interrupt her and let her know that you will not listen to negative things said about any of you or others.
2. If/when she ignores you and persists in talking negatively about someone, kindly remind her what you had just said. If you are on the phone with her and she’s talking that way, tell her you don’t want to hear such things, that when she’s ready to speak kind and respectfully that she may call back, and that you’re hanging up now. Then say goodbye and hang up. If she calls right back (assuming you have caller id), don’t answer the phone – disconnect or turn off the voicemail so you don’t have to deal with that. If you are at her home, say the above and tell her you have to go now, then leave immediately without saying another word. No if, and’s or but’s. Just turn around and leave – no matter what she says.
3. Every time each of you immediately follows through by disengaging from the negative behavior, it teaches her how you will and won’t be treated by her. You don’t have to be at her beck-and-call as far as her ability to leave nasty voicemails, where she tears you and your family apart verbally.
She’s mentally and emotionally abusing all of you, and even though she’s mentally ill, all of you must set clear and distinct boundaries for your mother of what is and isn’t alright for her to do or say to any of you.
If possible, have a talk with your dad and explain how the situations will be treated from now on, so he’ll know and understand when each of you hangs up or leaves the house unexpectedly. (I can only assume your father is still alive based on your comment).
I don’t know the laws about “forcing” an elderly parent to get help for mental illness, assuming she qualifies as an “elderly parent”. That may be something to discuss with a family law attorney, to see what type of help is available for your mother.
If her mental illness is as severe as it seems, it makes perfect sense to me that she’s not allowed to babysit grandchildren. Gosh, what a mess that could create.
Set clear limits and boundaries with your mother, and prove to her you mean business by hanging up or leaving when she becomes abusive. No more “turning the other cheek” jazz. You don’t wear a bulls eye on the back of your shirt.
Lin,
Thanks for your quick reply. You’ve said pretty much everything I’ve thought since our ‘blow up’ happened. My brother & family and myself are already ’screening’ our calls via caller i.d. In my last conversation w/my Mom I did try to tell her I wasn’t going to discuss it but my fault was feeding into her pushing my buttons. I realize that now.
I failed to mention that my Dad passed away in ‘05. I apologize for that. They divorced in ‘98 (I think) and even after divorcing, he would tell us he understood but to remember this was our mother. I think maybe he told us this as he himself didn’t quite know how to deal with her.
My brother and I were discussing today about when or if we’d be talking to her again. He said we’d have to set some distinct boundaries with her and I agreed. The hard part of all of this is when Mom is ‘called out’ on her part in a conflict she tends to shut down and get defensive. She’s rather passive-aggressive.
As for her being elderly, well I wouldn’t consider her elderly. She’ll only be 59 on her birthday. But I have strongly considered contacting her mental health dr. regarding her changes of behavior. I don’t know if that’d be a good thing or not.
But after her last suicide attempt, we discovered via her dr that according to her records she had minimalized a lot of things. I have a feeling she still does this, but I am not sure. In our state, the only way we can force her to be hospitalized is if she’s a threat to herself or others. Believe me, I’ve checked there already.
It’s a difficult place to be. My brother nor I want to go through these cycles any more and we’re finally doing something about it. We both feel at peace about it. The only concern is her history of hospitalizations/attempts. It will fall to us to step up to ‘take care of things’ if that happens as there is no one else to do so. But I’m not crossing that bridge as we’re not there.
But at any rate, do you know of any good literature my brother and I could read to learn more about this and maybe help us work through our side of it? Again, thanks so much for your reply, your feedback and this thread. It’s a breath of fresh air for anyone dealing with it.
Vicky, I’m sorry about losing your dad.
I’m certainly not a mental health specialist or therapist by any stretch, but what you’ve said about your mom being “passive aggressive”, suicide attempts and hospitalizations, plus the verbal abuse… makes me wonder if maybe she’s Bi-Polar or Manic Depressive and doesn’t know it? Has she ever been tested for either or both?
What you describe as your mother’s attitude and behaviors are some of the symptoms of people with Bi-Polar Disorder (BPD) and/or Manic Depression, both of which offers medications to help deal with the problems. ? Just a thought.
As far as literature or books are concerned, I’m linking you to Amazon’s list of mentally ill parent
books for you to check out for yourself, as I’m not an authority on the mentally ill. I also recommend that you read Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
because I’ve received many emails from visitors and subscribed readers who have said this book is excellent and really helped them deal with the problems. It would probably be really good for your brother and sister-in-law to read up on these things too, because the problems are clear and so are the emotions and feelings associated with what you’re all going through. Hang in there!
Hi, Vicky!
If this has been going on for many years as it was with my mother, sometime during her life she showed symptoms of bi-polar disease and may have suffered some sort of trauma early on. If this is somewhat recent, do you think it may have something to do with hormones? That may sound weird, but I have heard stories about women who actually had a breakdown due to the fluctuation of hormones and became worse as they got closer to menopause. Lin certainly knows more about this than I do, but it was just a thought. In my mother’s case, it may have started in her childhood and became worse when my father left her with the 3 of us & no help. It came to a head when my little brother committed suicide when he was 26. From then on, it was almost impossible to deal with it. I hope your mother will , at some point, be able to get some help so your family can heal. (My mother didn’t and was bitter to the end.) God bless you and our prayers are with you.
I am going through a severe depression – somehow I ran into this site and feel I need to share what is going on in my life. I feel like a doormat to everyone. My ex left me and our 5 year old son 9 years ago. He is an alcoholic, a control freak, verbally abusive, self-centered and just plain mean. He has since remarried (4th time) and has moved on with his life but continues to be verbally abusive towards me. I come from a family where my dad left my mother and I when I was a baby and then she gave me to my grandmother when I was 5 years old. My grandmother abandoned me when I was 15 and I ended up living with an aunt and married when I was 17 and was a young mother. I want very much to be loved and special and it seems I always reach out to people that mistreat me (in my family). I have cousins that ignore me – don’t include me in their lives and two of them are very sarsastic towards me and when we’re together remind me of any mistakes I’ve made in my life (I’ve never done that to them). It’s obvious they do it on purpose to hurt me. My mother is not motherly and we rarely speak to each other. I tried to talk to her about making our relationship better but she has no interest in doing so. My younger son is now 15 years old and I am struggling with severe depression and saddness. It affects my physical health, my self-esteem and have a very difficult time working because I have such a difficult time staying focused and want to stay in bed. At this time, I do not hve one person in my life that I feel cares about me except my younger son. Being 55, it’s difficult to meet men to date and I’m terrified all men are like my ex. I’m on an antidrpressent and it seems to be working a tiny bit but not enough for me to feel “normal” and move on with my life. I feel overwhelmed with responsibility, have financial problems and have lost interest in all things I used to love. I have no energy to do the things I need to do. There are days when I feel sure I want to just have God take me but I’m afraid of death. I feel very isolated. The only parent I had was my grandmother and she passed away 18 years ago. She loved me very much and even though I didn’t bother her with my problems, just knowing she loved me was very comforting. I try to have relationships with relatives, etc. but it seems every time I ask someone to go out to a movie or just get together – they have excuses. I have one cousin that lives less than 10 minutes from me and she never wants to do anything with me. She lives alone and don’t understand why she doesn’t want to do things together. I try very hard to be close to her but she keeps her distance. I’m a very friendly person and after being a single mom for 10 years – I need a life – I’m so lonely. Do you think I gravitate towards people that are not “available” because of my background of having been abandoned by so many people? I don’t know where to find people that are nice, friendly and want to establish a relationship. I am lonely to the point that it deeply hurts me. It feels to me that everyone has someone except me. There are days when I feel like a zombie and just stay in bed. Please help me. Thanks
Hi Lolly, I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time. It definitely sounds like you’re experiencing severe depression, and my heart goes out to you.
When you have talked with your family members about building the relationship to a better one, what reasons (if any) do they give for not wanting to? Do they perhaps think of you as being toxic, where they’re distancing themselves from you for some reason? Have you asked them directly why they don’t appear to want to have a relationship with you? Do they perceive you as always being negative whenever they’re around you? Could your feeling of being lonely be causing friends and family to back off even more? I don’t know, but just thought I’d ask.
I’m also wondering if maybe your anti-depressants aren’t strong enough for you? I’m thinking that maybe you should tell your doctor that the med’s you are taking now aren’t helping very much, and maybe the doctor needs to have you try out a different one? Have you been seeing a counselor too? Counseling can help a lot of people dealing with depression, so that might be something to consider too.
Some of the things you’ve said here, about not wanting to get out of bed and wishing that God would take you etc, really comes across as possibly being suicidal? I sure hope not! You want the pain you’re feeling to go away, that’s for sure, but even considering taking your own life is not the way to deal with your troubles. You NEED to call your doctor right away……… and tell your doctor about what you’re feeling. Please call your doctor right now!
I don’t know why your family is being this way and not spending time with you, and I can only think that sitting them down and pouring out your heart to them about how you’ve been feeling may or may not help. I wonder if telling your family how you feel when they exclude you and ignore you, and asking them specifically WHY they’re doing it, may be a way of beginning discussions to clear up any existing problems. I would hate to think that your family is purposely pushing you away, but maybe they have toxic personalities – I really don’t know, but if they do…. you’re much better off not being around them, especially if they always bring you down and make you feel bad about yourself.
You need to being surrounding yourself with kind and loving people, people who will treat you with respect and dignity. Could you check your local area for social clubs or activity clubs that would be of interest to you? Like, if you enjoy knitting, is there a knitting club at a local recreation center that you could join and get to know people? If you attend a church, are there any groups within the church that would interest you and where you could be around caring people?
If you would like to discuss this further, please use my “contact me” link at the top of the site and we’ll chat more privately. Please call your doctor first and talk to him/her about your feelings and if your medication might need adjusting. Please.
It took 50 years to realize my parents were toxic. I knew they were abusive of each other and the children growing up, but it wasn’t until they became sick and elderly that they reached their peak of toxicity! They continued their marital eternal fights, involving the entire family dragging even the grandchildren to take sides. Using their infermities to draw pitty, it led to a huge family feud as mom wanted to separate from dad and give her son all the money, stealing the house from dad and dad wanted to live with me and get his share. We were dragged into a legal battle we didn’t want to be in, because if I let brother win and keep mom and all the money I was stuck caring for elder dad! It was the most toxic and stomach turning lawsuit, son against father, that anyone could see. I got caught in the middle of this turmoil, like some gets hit by a hurricane, and it took literally thousands of dollars in lawyers, to get dad actually reconciled with his son at least and set up an agreement with both men (dad 82 and brother 50) simply to get rid of him and related headaches. Dad was too toxic to even describe, it would take page and pages. So at least, he had a place and his money!
He has been gone for a year, and made friends with his son again. What a mess. My mom is still the seemingly innocent poor grandma, and the biggest manipulator alive. What a liar and a user, to get her way. My brother may be getting their house, but he will lose his sanity very soon and they will need to put him in a padded cell as these two parents age even more, their toxicity will just get worse. I got nothing but legal bills and thank God that I don’t have my parents or the house! Talk about toxicity. I lived it for years. I feel emancipated. Brother got the estate and the toxic parents, and I got peace!
This article is right, particularly the definition of toxic. But, beware that sometimes it is impossible to distance yourself from these toxics.
I wish I would have read this years ago. I have been married for 19 years together for 23. Looking back I should have left the relationship before we married but I love my husband. His family caused problems from almost the beginning. He has 6 sisters, he’s the only boy and are from a farming family. They are very competitive and jealous of one another and it’s who has the better paying job, the bigger house the better clothes, cars, etc…. His dad was a sloppy, sarcastic alcoholic who never took responsibility for his actions and everyone was expected to look the other way. The girls could do no wrong and were treated like princesses while my husband was blamed for everything.My husband is a great guy and would give you the shirt off his back. If his mom didn’t like something I said or didn’t agree with her she would tell her girls and the next time I saw them, snotty remarks were made toward me. If we went to see my family instead of being with them we were dirt. Even though he saw his folks everyday on the farm. Eventually I had to set some boundaries and keep my distance. I became dirt and the reason they felt the family was falling apart.I say I because my husband was spineless and very defensive, wouldn’t say anything to them in fear of being attacked (verbally)even though he knew what they had done or said. It was normal for his family and he’s say I was too sensitive. Well eventually I sought counseling and had to go on anti-depressants. One sister in particular is a trouble maker and another says there isn’t anyone in the family she hasn’t caused trouble with. The others stand by her and say that’s the way she is. He used to attend family gatherings with the kids when they were young without me. Thank God I work 2nd shift and everyother weekend. Eventually my daughter began to see and experience the same behaviors, and she quit going except for holidays. Family gatherings are chaos to say the least. Women congregate in the kitchen, to gossip, compete and brag. I am treated like the plague. They say hello but that is the extent of it. The rest of the time I usually sit and listen to this absolute nonsense conversations ( if you can call it that with everyone trying to overtalk each other. They plan get togethers and at the last minute call my husband to let him know. Usually The day before. Or it’s a last minute idea and we’re expected to be there. plans or no plans and then we’re called inflexible. My problem now is… I feel left out. My family is scattered around, I don’t get to see them often, I have few friends who have their own families. I lost my mother unexpectedly almost 3 years ago, my daughter just moved to college and I am feeling very lonely. Perhaps it’s the holiday season approaching, but I am feeling so blue. My daughter asked what we were doing for Thanksgiving and said just the 4 of us? I am a fun person. But I have let this incredible situation define me and I Don’t know how not to let it. Any help and/or suggestions would be appreciated.
Sharon, it’s time to start making new holiday traditions and plans that don’t include people that bring you down. Holidays are meant to be fun, but if that is not the case when the hubby’s family is included, then don’t include them. At all. Let them say and feel whatever they want – let them gossip, moan and groan about you – they would anyway. If holidays are a dread because of toxic family, change the way you celebrate the holidays and bring back the fun and excitement.
Family is family even if there are only 4 people attending a holiday gathering, and you can decide ways to make it fun and entertaining and stress free. Love, laughter, joy etc during the holidays (and in between) is what matters most – not the number of people there. Keep the conversation light and happy, enjoy good food and talk about fun times where you remember and reminisce (sp?)about things that make everyone laugh and have a good time. Plan some fun games to play that bring about laughter. Pictionary comes to mind.
When his family calls at the last minute with an expectation that your family drop everything at their beck-and-call, tell them that you already have plans and won’t be able to attend. If your hubby decides to go, so be it, but there is nothing that requires you to go and put up with their noxious behaviors.
If you want, you or your hubby can let them know that you both prefer to make plans in advance rather than just “flying by the seat of your pants” and doing things last minute. Otherwise, don’t give them an explanation at all, they aren’t owed one.
When was the last time you went out of town for the holidays? When was the last time you made plans ahead of time to enjoy Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Years with your family out of town? When was the last time you took a vacation and went to visit your family?
Remember, holidays are meant to be with family and loved ones, and that includes your family who have children and in-laws of their own. Where is it written that you must spend the holidays with his family, rather than your own? Change things up Sharon – it’s about time. Take your power back.
If you can’t afford to go out of town for any of the upcoming holidays, there is absolutely nothing wrong with at least asking your friends if they have made plans for Thanksgiving yet and how they would feel about making it a larger group with you, your daughter, hubby etc? Perhaps one or more of your friends may say they haven’t got plans either!, and you might offer to host Thanksgiving lunch or dinner at your place and have them all bring something. You can have a blast! You won’t know until you ask, and you just might discover that they’re thrilled you brought it up! Maybe things on their side of the family aren’t too peachy either and they’re looking for ways to celebrate without crazy family involved too.
Hi, Sharon. I’m sorry you can’t have the nice holidays everyone likes to share with family.
In my case, I was blessed to have had a wonderful family (my ex’s) for the time he and I were married. His family was great and we visited with them often. After our divorce, my present husband and I visited his aunt & uncle every summer until they were gone. I kept in touch with my ex’s parents until they were gone, also.
Unfortunately, my own family was not close because of our mother’s problems and attitude about us. We were not visiting much even though my brothers & I tried. It was sad for all of us. Now, only my one brother & I are left. We won’t let what time we have left be like it was when our parents were alive.
I wish you had good memories, but you can start to have good memories and traditions, like Lin said, with your husband, kids, and friends. Extended family can be just what we need when we don’t have our own family nearby. Maybe you can get a low rate to fly to see your family, or maybe they can visit you. Good luck and keep thinking about all the blessings you DO have.
Hi Betty,
Thanks for dropping in and giving Sharon some encouragement. P.S. I edited your comment to remove the “yahoo” url. When commenting, it’s not necessary to put anything there; it’s really meant for people who have websites or blogs to put their site address there.
Thank you for your comments and understanding. It’s just so bizarre,the whole thing. Respect in their family is a foreign word. It just really upsets me at this time of year. And you are both right, it is time to start new traditions and be happy about it. Thanks again.
wow! As I read all of the many stories on this page..I just couldn’t believe how many of these same experiences I’ve had throughout my life in dealing with my toxic sister. I’ve read many books on toxic people,but I just in August came to the conclusion that the only way to deal with her was to unplug & detatch. And so I did. However,now just today actually,my dad came over because he just found out from my sister that I don’t want her around me or my daughter anymore. He told me “get a grip!” you’re ruining our family!” I know my dad has been sheltered from much of the heinous and hateful crap she’s done to me because I always end up looking “crazy” or the one who’s to blame because I get so emotional in trying to explain the severity of her hate for me. I need some advice in how to handle my parents comments as we live in a very small community and my parents have been finacially helping me with my daughter since I’m a single mom and struggling to make ends meet. Iam so thankful and grateful for their financial support- but they aren’t emotionally supportive and have always encouraged me to not make waves and sweep everything under the rug..and honestly I’m 35yrs old and tired of allowing my sister’s toxic treatment affect me! However, even though I’ve unplugged from her in Aug. she’s constantly spreading horrible untrue rumors about me to my parents, family friends,people around town,etc. things you wouldn’t even make up about an enemy ..these are highly damaging falsehoods. I’m trying to tell myself not to care becAUse people who know me wont believe her but I feel helpless…like she’s still got the upperhand on ruining my life ..just now she makes up things now that she’s not in my life. Any suggestions that may be useful for me? Thank you all for sharing your stories, I don’t feel so alone.
Hi Lola,
Dealing with a sister who is toxic is hard enough, but then to have to defend yourself with your parents on top of that must be very frustrating. From what you’re saying, it appears as though your sister is making sure your parents are NOT being sheltered and protected from the gossip and perhaps even “slander”. The problem is, it’s all from her point of view and her perspective. Which of course tends to cause your parents to react the way they do. Your sister is running to your parents and telling them this or that about you, how you don’t want her around you and your daughter, and with no clear (emotionless) explanation from you, they don’t know what to think. All they want, what any parent would want, is for everyone in the family to get along great and everyone treat each other kindly and with respect etc. Sometimes that just isn’t possible, especially when a toxic person is running around spreading gossip and lies about one or more people in the family.
When you say you get emotional when trying to explain some things to your father, I assume that means you start to cry or perhaps even raise your voice or yell in your own defense when talking to your parents. You have to learn to control your emotions, don’t cry etc, when your father or parents together come looking for an explanation. I know it’s hard, but if you think about it, guys in particular don’t handle emotional situations very well (especially crying women) – except with anger.
I would first suggest that you get yourself in a position of not receiving financial help from your parents. You are 35 years old, with a child of your own. Find ways to cut back on your expenses, eliminate needless spending or buying things that are not really needed, and take full responsibility for your own finances and live within your own means. I get the feeling that since your parents have been helping you financially that you feel a sense of obligation to do things their way. Eliminate the “need” of their help financially, and the stress you feel will be greatly reduced.
You may feel that you need to plead your case with your parents, or at least your father. If so, then perhaps making a list of some of the things your sister has been saying/doing that have severely affected the relationship between you two might help. Only list absolute FACTS, things you are 100% sure of and things you can actually prove. Leave out things that are more “trivial” in nature or things you assume are happening, but list the most serious and most heinous things that attack your character, as in “character assassination”. Then, you can either talk to your parents fully prepared with FACTS about how your sister has been spreading malicious lies and slander about you to others, and that those things have gotten back to you (explain how) and that as an adult you have made the personal decision not to allow her toxic attitude and negative behaviors to affect you and your child anymore. Or, you can write your parents a letter explaining the above with facts, without any emotion at all. Just clear and defined explanation of the actual facts of what has been done, without any exclamation points thrown in for extra emphasis etc – that shows anger and emotion. Just be precise. At the end, explain that you know they may not be able to understand why you feel you must take drastic action to distance yourself from your sister, but you’ve not wanted to involve them in these things and didn’t want to appear as being the gossip yourself. Slander, if that is occurring, is a very serious matter and in some states (I’m not sure which ones), people involved in slandering other people’s reputation and character can be arrested and charged with a crime. The best thing you can do right away is get yourself in a position of taking care of your own financial matters 100%, even if it means going without some things that aren’t a real need.
Hello,
I love that people talk about this stuff because it can be so consuming and frustrating at times. Anyway, I am engaged to the most perfect guy I have ever met (Jeff); however, his two older siblings (Joanne and Jack) don’t get along with their parents or Jeff.; supposedly it’s because Jeff has almost always sided with his parents and they don’t like that. They have made it very clear they don’t want any communication. It has been over a year and a half since they have spoken and during that time Jack got married and sent a certified letter to his parents and my fiancé saying they are not invited. Jeff immediately respected it but Jeff’s parents after a ton of people telling them to respect Jack’s wishes drove to the wedding and thankfully turned around and went back home before they got there. They do however still call and leave messages and emails which have never been responded to. Here’s where I need help. I love Jeff and want to marry him; everything is perfect with us; however, I have a problem letting Jeff’s parents continually tell me how they are going to approach them and go to their house even when it is clearly known their kids want nothing to do with them. When Jeff’s parents start to talk like that I get really frustrated because they won’t get it through their head and then they cry and holidays are ruined. I don’t know how to separate myself. Please help me. I don’t want to be rude but I can’t stand it. Jeff’s parents are draining!
Hi Jenny,
Wow, wow, wow. Is your fiance’ around at the time his parents start talking about going over to their house, or is this when you are with the parents alone? I’m assuming that it most likely happens when the two of you are together. What does Jeff say about it? Does he just ignore it, tune it out and/or try to change the subject? Anything? Since these are his parents, it’s really important to try to come to an understanding about this between you and Jeff, so that HE can talk to his folks and kindly explain that as much as you both understand and respect how they feel about the separation from their other kids – BOTH of you would appreciate it if they would leave you and him out of the discussions. If you have explained to Jeff how you feel when this happens and Jeff understands/agrees that it’s stressful and upsetting – then Jeff needs to step up and talk to his parents about this. He can explain to his parents that as much as he realizes the pain they are going through with this situation, there isn’t anything you/Jeff can do about it to remedy the problems, and that the continuous discussions about it with you is placing undue burden on both of you. Jeff needs to respectfully ask his parents in a very kind, respectful and understanding manner (considering the fact this situation must truly break their hearts) to please resist talking about this with you two, and perhaps consider speaking to a minister or counselor if they feel they need someone to talk to/vent to etc. If his parents keep doing it, after Jeff has explicitly explained it to them, then you and Jeff may need to decide together as a couple to set some boundaries on how often you will or won’t get together with his folks – until you find the situation has improved to what is comfortable for both of you. It’s for your own health, the health of your upcoming marriage etc that you and Jeff need to take necessary steps to put a stop to this, while at the same time understanding that these folks feel like they’re hearts are being ripped apart. Good luck!
Hello,
This subject on toxic relationships really hit me where I live. I have been dealing with my mom and my sisters and their toxic behaviers for over 30+ years. I thought for years that I was loosing my mind and I even found a website an hour a go for anxiety and stress management to seek help. I grew up in a home that was totally disfuctional. My mother was an alcoholic for all of my childhood and most of my adulthood, the only stability I had was weekend visits with my grandparents as well as summer vacations. When I finally became strong enough to leave home my mother would follow me and sometimes my sisters too. My relationship with my family was so toxic and they were so manipulating, years later I took my two sons and moved miles away. Much to my surprise my mom and one of my sisters followed me and they eventually left and moved back to our hometown because of lack of finances. Oh, I failed to mention that my mom eventually stopped drinking and starting going to church which didn’t change alot, she just got older with the same toxic behavior which she has kept hidden until she decided to move in with me two months ago. I realized that I was living with the same manipulative, controlling, and rebellious person and the only thing missing was the alcohol. She receives a call everyday from one of my sisters and they discuss other peoples faults and mistakes. When I sat down and talked to my mother about how she would waste most of her day talking with my sister and gossiping about other people she got upset with me and told me that she loved my sister and that she was not going to stop talking to her and she hasn’t. They talk almost everyday still gossiping about others and maybe me also while I am at work or at home. I have a great job and I am in college for Business Management. My mom will approach me while I am studying and put papers in my face to read. She will talk on the phone to my sister (same sister) standing over me gossiping while I am on my computer looking up important information. She will then tell my sister that I am quiet, like that would seem real odd to her. Is this relationship toxic or what? I know for a fact that the sister that she talks to often, is not going to let her live with her. She has made that clear and the other two won’t either. I am at my wits end with my mother and she thinks that she is right and others are wrong. She doesn’t work, receives social security and maybe only worked hard 10 years out of her whole life of 71 years, but I think it is time for her to move into her own place. She distracts me with things that are not important just so she can get my attention. I am so glad I read about the comments on toxic relationships because I need to get free once and for all. I don’t want to abandon my mother but I need some peace and stability in my life seeing that I am 48 years old and I have been dealing with this most of my life. I am stressed out with her living with me and I believe she’s only doing it because I have a new car and a good job and am moving into a new home. I also have a nephew that wants to hang at my house all the time and refuses to leave unless I get upset and put him out. My nephew waits until I am not at home and my mother lets him into my house and he stays until he thinks I’m coming home then he leaves. He is the son of one of my other sisters and he has taken on this same attitude as my mother and sisters. I have cut them off before and I know that it will happen again. I have to take responsibility for my own well being and show my family that I really mean business and I will not put up with them any longer.
Hi Lisa,
Dealing with toxic parents is very hard on children, especially when you consider the various ways toxicity shows itself within relationships. Since your mother is in her elderly years, she certainly needs care and attention from everyone in the family, but at the same time there needs to be boundaries in order to reduce stress. Is there perhaps a senior living/independent living apartment complex specifically made for the elderly in your area at all where she can live? She certainly wants and needs attention just like any of us would want and need in our own elderly years, but there are limits to what can continue putting up with. I wrote an article about taking care of aging parents as a family awhile back, and hopefully there is some points there that can be gleaned to help spread the responsibility of taking care of your mother so it’s not primarily/only on your shoulders. I would also suggest looking into government programs that may be of assistance in providing monies to help take care of her financially, if her own income is very limited, such as social security etc.
I am having a hard time with a few toxic sister-in-laws of mine. They are sisters that married my husbands 2 brothers. I feel like I have been targeted by them since they joined the family. We live with my mother and father-in-law and they have everyone over for dinner on Sundays, and I literally have panic attacks just thinking about having them over. they have never been very good about disciplining their children and it has somehow caused me to feel like I have to over disciplining mine just to prove a point, though I am not sure any point has been made. My children are no better for being punished for things they don’t do wrong. I don’t want to look like the bad guy, but I fear other family members won’t understand how much damage they do to me and my family and why it would be better to not associate with them more then we need to. We are moving out soon and we honestly don’t care at this point if we never see any of them again. I don’t know how to tell them that feelings have been hurt without sounding like a little baby who needs to just get over it or if it is best to just keep our distance and not say anything. Obviously there is more detail to it, but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
Elizabeth,
I’m glad to hear you are moving out soon. Those situation don’t usually work out very well, so having a place of your own will do a lot to reduce if not eliminate much of the stress you’ve been experiencing.
Since you all live with your mother-in-law and father-in-law and the home is theirs and not yours, you really don’t have much say in the matter of how those unruly kids are or aren’t disciplined. You can only make sure you and your husband are raising your children right and with good manners etc. Of course, the sooner you move out the better.
I personally don’t see the benefit of telling anyone that feelings have been hurt etc, because for the most part everyone will just blow off what you’re saying as being whining. Before you move out, you could always OPT to “have other plans” on Sunday’s which would allow you and your family to do something else away from the chaos and return a couple hours later when everyone has left. It’s just an idea of course, but the sooner you move out the better. Once you’ve moved out, you can then decide what will or won’t go on in your own home.
my daughter-in-lwa tries to control my days, who i see, when i can babysit my other grandkids, who i can be friends with everything about my life, i let it drag me down lower than low, now that i have detatched myself from her she is calling wanting me to have something to do with her, she had forbade me to ever see my beautiful grandkids again to try to use them as her power over me so i completely stopped letting her use them by cutting her off completely, it strained my relationship with my son but i couldn’t do anything else. now she is wanting to try to get back in there but i just assume not. i have informed her that we can keep the peace but that is as far as i want as a relationship. i would like to see my grandkids but they are the parents and it is their choice. i don’t want to hurt my babies so if i can’t see them now i will when they are older. she says she will allow me to see them but i iknow from past experience that she will forbid me again and that is just repeated pain for them and me, what do you think i should do. i want to see them with every part of my being but at what expense, i mean how much damage is this going to do to them in the long run.