Learning how to discipline children effectively is an important and necessary skill for all parents to learn. Discipline is not a dirty word, but is often misunderstood and misused by parents, teachers, school principals and religious clergymen who do not understand that there is a difference between punishment and discipline. If you were asked the question, “What is discipline vs. punishment?”, how would you respond?
What is Discipline?
Discipline means to teach and train children family values, right from wrong, to respect the rights of others, and how they are to behave or not behave. For example, parents discipline their child to wash their hands before meals or after going to the bathroom, thus helping a child learn to become self-disciplined in these areas and how to become responsible for themselves as they get older.
Discipline is a positive parenting skill that emphasizes nurturing, guidance, teaching and training that builds a child’s self-confidence and teaches self-control and behavior management. The better you are with discipline, the less you will have to punish.
Punishment, however, is discipline after the fact to enforce proper behavior as defined by society or family. Punishment for children, toddlers or teens who have misbehaved in some way has lead to the ongoing, controversial debate over whether to spank or not to spank kids. “Spare the rod, spoil the child”?
Some parents, school officials and religious leaders feel that corporal punishment that includes spanking, whipping, paddling, caning, hitting and slapping are examples of “positive punishment”, while others have taken the position that physical punishment such as this should be outlawed and banned as nothing more than child abuse.
Discipline techniques vary in every family and culture, but there is no such thing as discipline without punishment of some kind, especially when dealing with a strong-willed child or an unruly, out-of-control teenager. As a parent, do you have the tendency to ignore the need to discipline your child when he or she is pushing and shoving another child or being a bully towards other children? Do you habitually say “Use your words!” when your child is being mean to another child, thinking that will miraculously stop the negative behavior, then do nothing to back up and enforce your own words?
Show me an undisciplined child and I’ll show you the quickest way to teach your kids to use drugs and kids that have no respect for anyone in authority, that may bring severe punishment handed out by the court system for juvenile delinquents, due to the lack of discipline taught from an early age and throughout the teen years.
How to Discipline Your Child
Disciplining children needs to take place all the time, not just when a child misbehaves. All children are different, with different temperaments and developmental levels, and the parenting style of discipline used for one child may not work on another. If you are frustrated with trying to learn how to discipline a toddler, or how to say No to your children, you are not alone.
Toddlers often say “no” or do the complete opposite of what you want them to do, like run in the other direction away from you while laughing at the same time. Understand that this is a normal phase of childhood development where children will test or resist the parents rules and limits to see if you will “practice what you preach” and do as you say you will if the child does x, y, z.
Discipline your child with consistency, love, encouragement, praise, patience and compassion, keeping in mind that a toddler may need to hear these reminders a hundred times before finally getting the message. If you give in after your strong-willed child repeatedly argues, becomes violent, throws a temper tantrum or starts hitting, kicking, cussing or screaming, then he/she learns it’s okay to repeat this negative behavior because he knows you will eventually give in, again and again. Be consistent.
“Time-outs” can be very effective for children 3 yrs old and up, but younger children being put in time-out or on a “naughty chair” may lead to frustration and confusion. Toddlers have a very short attention span so when he/she does misbehave, forget the long lecture. Give him/her a firm “no”, along with a brief explanation such as “that’s not a toy” or “no jumping on the couch/bed” and redirect the child’s attention to an acceptable activity.
Taking privileges away, especially those the child/teen most enjoys can be very effective. Simply sending a kid to their room for a period of time to “think about” what they’ve done may not bring the results you wish for, since it’s likely that they will just entertain themselves with what they have in their room and not think about anything else.
- Avoid power struggles with your children. Don’t focus on the negatives all the time, but express your positive feelings by saying “I like how you put all your toys away” or “I like how you played with your little brother/sister today”.
- Give your child choices and set reasonable limits on behavior. Praise your child whenever you “catch” him or her being good, like sharing their toys or picking up after themselves, and avoid being too critical.
- Teach your child that he/she doesn’t have to behave in a negative way to get your attention, but make it easier for your children to do the right thing and behave in the way you want. That’s what discipline is for.
- Be a good role model for your children by not yelling and screaming at your child. Put yourself in time-out if necessary, to give yourself a break and get your temper under control. Remember: Children learn what they live.
- Encourage appropriate behavior and pick your battles. Be gentle but firm with your child. Don’t make commands you don’t intend to enforce. If you say you’re going to do it, then do it.
Parents with children of any age can learn effective discipline techniques, sometimes referred to as “win-win discipline”, by reading parenting books that deal with all types of child behaviors, behavior management and positive parenting tips.
Many of the best parenting books provide excellent tips and ideas for moms and dads dealing with discipline problems at home, and advice on how to avoid discipline problems and sibling rivalry issues. Reading a discipline book or two like 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12
Another excellent discipline book, Parenting With Love And Logic
What is your opinion on the subject of spanking vs. not spanking? Do you spank your child or were you spanked while growing up? What discipline methods have you found to be effective, and which techniques were not so effective? Share your thoughts and stories by leaving a comment below.
Related Posts:
How to Say No to Children
Books on Building Self-Confidence in Children and Teens
10 Ways to Raise Children to USE Drugs
12 Rules for Raising Delinquent Children
A Child’s Ten Commandments For Parents
Improving Self-Esteem in Children
Zero Tolerance for Disrespectful, Cussing Kids
Building Self-Confidence in Children in Self-Esteem Activities
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I personally against the spanking, as I think this way won’t work at all and will only make the children becoming even more rebelled…
If my students (I’m a high school counsellor) have done a wrong thing, I will spend my time, sitting with him/her and solve the problems together.
There is no problems in the world that cannot be solved!
What a great post! I love your site and this post is fabulous (I will be sure to spread the word about it).
I too like Wilson above am against spanking. I have always been the type of parent to set down expectations (clearly) to my children and then I spend more time talking than anything.
Communication is the common thread in ALL parenental issues
Hi Texas,
It may be a little early for me to start worrying about discipline issues, being very new to fatherhood
Still, I know I shall be a more regular visitor to your blog once I finally get back home and start tackling life as a parent.
Wilson, the spanking issue is definitely a controversial topic for most people. There are many ways to discipline children without resorting to that.
Hi Aurelia, thank you. Setting reasonable limits, clearly stated, followed with consistent and loving reminders….can do a lot in getting kids to behave how parents want.
It’s very frustrating to see kids in stores or restaurants etc behaving horribly, and the parents say and do nothing about it.
Corporal punishment is still legal in 21 states. The rest of the country is having good success with positive discipline programs and enjoying higher graduation rates and testing scores while the paddling states have higher dropout rates and incarceration rates.
http://www.stophitting.com/disatschool/fact-vs-opinion-school-corporal-punishment.php
Some states have laws guaranteeing legal immunity to paddlers when children are injured and require medical care. (Boy in Vidor, TX has vertebra fractured during paddling – google it.)
http://nospank.net/violatn.htm
Right now Indiana governor is working on passing the immunity legislation for his school teachers and administrators citing the high cost of lawsuits.
http://www.post-trib.com/news/1126568,ropgop.article
Fort Stockton, Tx just changed their school policy for the new school year allowing them to paddle without permission of a parent.
http://www.disciplinehowto.com/child-punishment/paddling-makes-a-comeback-in-texas#comment-6
This is just the tip of the iceberg. If you set up daily google or yahoo news alerts for “abuse in school”, “teacher abuse”, “paddling”, etc., you will see children at risk from physical and sexual abuses in schools across our country.
Schools are more concerned with their protection, financial or otherwise, than protecting our children.
Please help end violence in education. There are many groups online that have been fighting this fight for up to decades. Federal and state lawmakers have been comfortable with passing this responsibility to the local school districts. Citizens and child health professionals are asking them to take responsibility in their legislation.
http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2008/aug/30/guest-commentary-corporal-punishment-has-no-place-/#comments
Email, make phone calls, write letters, talk to your friends and neighbors.
Maurice, I cannot congratulate you and your wife enough on the birth of your little angel TJ. I really hope that the fact he was born so prematurely and so tiny will all work out well and you’ll be loving on him at home in no time flat. Many good wishes for you and family!
Hi Lin,
Another informative post … I’ve come expect nothing less when I visit your site.
Just a quick thought on spanking …
In the majority of cases, when a parent spanks their kids it’s a Failure of discipline … either lack of self-discipline on the parents part (they spank when they are angry). Or, not enough of the positive discipline described in your bullet points above.
When my older kids were younger (and so was I), they were spanked. Looking back, it was counter productive on at least two fronts …
1) Spanking was not an adequate deterrent. In fact, by the time my son was 7 or 8, I vividly remember hearing the dreaded words “what are you gonna do, spank me?” … there’s no good way out of that one for a parent.
2) Second, anytime I did spank the kids, it made me feel horribly guilty afterwards … especially if it was done while I was angry. It made me feel like I was a “bad parent” … which oddly enough, can sometimes become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I’m glad I’m re-embarking on fatherhood as an older (and hopefully wiser) person this time.
Todd
Hi Todd, I can relate to what you’ve said here. I’ve also learned a lot over the years of raising my own kids and made mistakes just like anyone else. That’s why I personally am such a believer in reading books that provide other options and viewpoints on being a good parent, disciplining children etc.
I stopped reading when I saw the massive paddle… like that is actually used anymore. Spanking your child is not abuse. And you don’t even have to use pressure.
Disciplining your child so they learn good habits is a good thing, however if they do not learn about consequences then they grow up thinking they don’t have to worry about it. Punishment doesn’t even have to involve spanking, yet the extreme is always taken on sites like this.
Junebug, if you don’t think paddles are still used (even the ones with holes in the paddle), you’d be wrong. Paddling is something that continues to be done by parents and in many schools. Just take a look at the links shown above to a variety of efforts being made to stop the practice of paddling.
@Sheber, your comments with the links included was held in moderation mode until I approved it.
Many people seem to think that paddling and spanking with paddles in schools has stopped. Nope, it hasn’t.
Great post! Great site!
I have a different perspective which won’t be popular but here goes… I adopted angry, neglected, abused, manipulative, 3 and 7 year olds who had been through several foster and adoptive families who all gave up on them. A couple of controlled, attention getting spankings, amidst all the love, positive reinforcement, rewards systems, loss of privelages, etc., made us a success where many others had failed.
You see, I wasn’t trying to teach any lessons other than getting their attention and letting them know that although they had walked over a lot of people in the past, that was over and I was in charge. The shock of the spank got their attention. Sure they still tested us and had to work out their demons, but not by punching me or spitting in my face as they felt they were perfectly entitled to do.
Once hostile, self loathing, self mutilating, and highly medicated, they are happy, silly, thriving, and medicine free at 8 and 12.
The trouble is spanking is not used as a tool or a method, it is a last resort when a parent is at their wits end and losing control themselves. This is where abuse comes in and nothing is learned by the child. They might stop the behavior for a minute, but it will come back double later.
All that said, I still don’t know where I stand on spankings. We may have gotten lucky that our children responded so well to it and we have not had to contemplate it since. A usual situation where a child is born into a family that loves them and doesn’t have to push extreme limits to figure out whether or not his parents are going to keep him may never require such measure.
I only know how things have turned out for us. The bigger issue to me is being told how to raise and discipline my kids. Darn skippy they should not be spanking in school. But if I decide that my disrespectful child needs a good old fashioned hand to butt introduction, that’s my call.
Hi Cin,
I’ve read so many stories about the hardships of adopting children that have been neglected and abused in various ways, I can’t even imagine how difficult those situations must be.
Many parents are against spanking and paddling, while other parents feel it’s not abusive and just fine if done by school teachers or principals etc. Since I know that real paddles continue to be used in schools, that makes me nervous for kids/teens in school.
I can’t imagine giving parental permission to school principals to paddle kids, since parents aren’t usually there to witness how it’s done. I’m thinking that if the school feels a child/teen “needs” to be paddled or spanked, it should be done by the parent who actually LOVES the child, rather than by anyone else.
Well, in my day, we got a slap if we were bold. It saves having long conversations with small children, who aren’t at your intellectual level anyway.
Because parents have been brainwashed out of doing this, we seem to have more bratty kids these days. Or is it just media hype?
There’s something pathetic about a grown woman having to plead with her child to behave.
Tom, I’ve wondered the same thing but I have no concrete answers to the question. I find it interesting that shows like Super Nanny showcase the growing problems of the lack of discipline, or perhaps I should say the non-existence of discipline in many homes.
To Tiger Tom- I’m not as surprised at the comments you made as much as I’m surprised that educated adults still cling to these types of negative ideas in light of all the research done to prove otherwise and the opposition to corporal punishment by a long list of credible child health organizations.
I’ve had conversations with my young child since he was born, at his intellectual level. Slapping a kid in the face for being too bold. That’s crazy. It’s also assault.
How ca someone be brainwashed out of doing that. People becoming more educated and choosing to take responsibility for the emotional and physical enduring effects of slapping or spanking a child. I spanked my older children when they were young. I’m not proud of it. I was ignorant and blindly following tradition.
Kids aren’t more bratty today. They are manipulated in a material society by none other than adults. They have incredible exposure to much media due to our fast advancing technology which is the same reason we hear more stories of all facets of life, including wrongly disciplined children.
And to Lin- I am surprised that you would say that Super Nanny showcases “the growing problems of the lack of discipline”. Why are people always looking for this magical period of history where children were so well disciplined? Is it so hard to accept that disciplining children has always been hard and maybe that’s why some adults feel they have to resort to a slap or a spanking? Even Solomon who promotes the rod in the Old Testament had sons who turned on him. The only example of discipline there was that it didn’t work.
As for Super Nanny, it’s an excellent parenting show that showcases a number of families that never learned how to discipline their children and just winged it by resorting to the same old traditions they were raised by. Some of the parents are completely overwhelmed by the stress in their lives and shut down rather than relate to their children. On every show parents are taught how to respect their children and include them in their lives in a meaningful way which always results in the parents gaining the respect of the children. I always learn something from that show. I find it fascinating how stubborn the parents are to let go of their traditions even when they are proven not to work.
“Common Sense- So Rare it’s a Super Power!”
Hi Sheber, I do feel lack of discipline is an increasing problem, but that’s just my opinion from what I personally observe in society. Very young children being extremely disrespectful towards their parents verbally and otherwise while the parent says or does nothing to teach and train their child that their behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated, with reasonable consequences.
I am not slamming Super Nanny. I watch the show too and I think she does an excellent job of teaching and training the parents how to discipline their child/children in order to bring respect and peace back into their homes.
I agree that parenting and disciplining children has always been difficult throughout history. But, it does seem (to me) that a lot of people have difficulty understanding the difference between discipline and punishment, and punishment is often used as a “quick fix” to problems when discipline (teaching and training) would have greater benefits.
I’ve read on other sites where parents have said in comments that spanking or slapping their child/teen was “quicker” and it “doesn’t take much time”, and it’s sad that some parents would choose the quick way rather than taking the time to actually Teach and Train their children how to behave properly.
You’re right that many parents have never learned how to discipline their children. I also think it’s very possible that some parents may have been beaten and abused by their own parents and have gone to the other extreme where no discipline or reasonable punishments are given at all out of fear of repeating the abuse done to them.
I enjoyed the comments. Does anyone else have something to add to the reason why child discipline has been neglected. I personally feel that the pace of society leaves little time for it. I wish it wasn’t that way! I wish we could get back to basics and focus on what really matters.
Hi Evan, I apologize for the delay in approving your comment. I must disagree with your thought that there is little time for discipline because of the pace of society. Being a good mother and father requires parents to make time/take time to teach, train and discipline children regardless of other things going on their lives. There are only poor excuses as to why parents aren’t disciplining their children properly or at all. Not disciplining children from the time kids are very young, all the way to adulthood, is why there are so many problems in society today with young people getting into all sorts of trouble. There is no viable reason for not disciplining children; only lousy excuses.
You actually responded faster than i expected. thanks! Family matters, i understand. I agree that the discipline of our children is a choice and there shouldn’t be any excuses for not doing it. I am motivated to discipline my children because i am well aware of the consequences of not doing it. I would much rather take the time now than regret it later. I am totally convinced that moral decline in society can be traced back to the family unit. I am writing an english paper about why discipline has been neglected. I started doing research and it brought me to this site. I wanted some opinions from people that could easily relate instead of information from people who are writing about the subject just because it’s their job. So, since it’s apparent that child discipline has been neglected over the years, what do you think is one of the main reasons?
Hi Evan, the responses you get may depend on how you personally define “discipline”. In discussions with other parents, I often hear the word discipline being used to replace the word punishment. Discipline means to teach and train, and properly disciplining children must start from infancy to adulthood, otherwise children, teens and parents are basically….screwed because of not disciplining.
My personal opinion about discipline being neglected for so many years is because MANY parents have the mistaken view that parents should be “friends” with their kids rather than PARENTS.
Parents have lost sight of the clear and distinct line between parenting children and being friendly towards their kids. That is one major reason why there is such an incredible problem of entitlement in society, and why children, teens and grown adult children believe their parents “owe” them whatever their little hearts desire.
Parents don’t know how to say no to children anymore, and even if parents do know how to say NO, they don’t anymore because “little johnny or susie won’t like me anymore” (and we just can’t possibly allow that! Sarcasm intended)
Consider the ridiculous situation in society today with children and teens ruling their parents, telling their parents what to do or not to do, making demands on parents and completely/totally/utterly disrespectful to parents and anyone else in authority.
The blame and responsibility for these problems rests solely on the shoulders of parents who may know HOW to be a parent but choose the less stressful and less time-consuming, easy way out.
Then there are parents who had lousy role models for parents themselves, who may have been physically abused and go to the other extreme of not disciplining or punishing children at all out of fear of becoming abusive parents themselves. Such parents fail to realize that NO discipline and NO punishment of any kind (or what is extremely lax) is abusive in a different way, but it’s still abusive.
This is a terrific post and I love your site! I am a ‘ tell it like it is’ person myself so I enjoy your forwardness. I think that some of the commenters here are right on the mark. The situation today is ridiculous with kids ruling the parents!! This notion of being your child ‘friend’ instead of parent is rather frustrating.
It’s true I believe that most of society’s problems today can in fact be traced back to the deconstruction of strong family units in this country. People don’t spank their kids anymore. So the kids don’t respect the parents. Therefore the kids don’t respect their teachers because they know that they have a patsy for a parent at home. Multiply that times 200 million and you have a problem that could last for a generation or two if not corrected.
Hi Chris, thanks for stopping by. I’m not sure I agree that spanking kids or not spanking kids is the cause or reason for children disrespecting their parents. Spanking is only one form of discipline, while there are many other ways of disciplining children that have gotten significantly better results. Spanking children is (in my opinion) simply a parents quick and immediate reaction to a problem, and spanking is often done in anger which only makes a bad situation worse.
It goes without saying that children that do not respect their parents or teachers (or any other authority figure) haven’t received the kind of discipline and training they needed and should have received. Consistent discipline (teaching and training), and a clear line drawn between being a child’s friend and being their parent is an absolute necessity.
A really fantastic post! Lots of good advice here that people should be paying attention to. For me, the most important thing about discipline or punishment is that it must be done immediately in conjunction with the behavioral issue. You can’t punish later. The law of immediacy comes into play here, and as you said, toddlers have a low attention span. If you don’t discipline right away, they won’t unconsciously link the behaviour to the discipline.
Hi Chris, thanks for stopping by. You are sooo right, discipline or punishment must be immediate. That old saying “Just wait until your father gets home” for dear ol dad to hand out the discipline doesn’t work.
Being consistent is such a daily struggle for me. I have never been consistent, organized, structured in my life – I think my two boys are the best thing that happened to me for many reasons – getting my own life on track for their sake is just one of them.