How to Tell Your Parents You Are Getting Married
17 year-old Melissa and her 21 year-old boyfriend Mark want to know how to tell her parents they are getting married. Melissa and Mark secretly got engaged last month on Melissa’s birthday and are planning on getting married soon, and she is very nervous about telling her parents. She’s especially nervous about telling her dad that she is getting married at 17, as she’s afraid both of her parents will not approve of the marriage. After searching for information on “telling parents about getting married”, Melissa found my Questions to Ask Before Getting Married article, which lead her to email me yesterday.
Melissa wrote, “How do I tell my parents I’m getting married so they will give parental consent? In the state I live, the age you can get married without a parent’s consent is 18, but we don’t want to wait. No, I’m not pregnant. We love each other very much and want to get married right away. I’m very mature for my age and we both feel we are mature enough to handle the responsibilities of being married, so why should we have to wait until I turn 18? What’s the big deal? Please don’t tell me I’m too young to get married, and I’m not looking for a lecture on whether we should get married or not. Oh, we’ve been dating since I was 14 and he was 18.”
Getting married at 17 is a very big deal, and while I won’t lecture on how young is too young to get married, I will give some important things to consider before getting married and then how to tell your parents you are getting married, or at least wanting to get married.
There are many good reasons to get married, just as there are many reasons not to get married, and it doesn’t matter if the person is 17, 18, 21, 26 or 30 years-old or older. Getting married is the easy part; being married and being happily married for the rest of your life is not so easy, and those considering marriage should not take getting married lightly.
Reasons not to get married include getting married because of “love at first sight”, immaturity, sexual attraction/lust, a cure for loneliness, freedom from parents, as an act of rebellion, rebound relationships, pressure to marry, wish for a fancy wedding, friends or peers are married or getting married, a sense of obligation, pregnancy, wanting a baby, emotional insecurity, and financial reasons.
Many of these reasons are purely selfish and do not take into account the other person’s feelings or needs, and such marriages are more likely to end in divorce. Just because there is an chronological age you can get married legally in most states, with or without parental consent, doesn’t mean you should get married now, or ever.
Regardless of age, anyone contemplating marriage should spend a great deal of time learning everything there is to know about the responsibilities in marriage, the roles of husband and wife, paying special attention to learning about how to be a good wife or how to be a good husband before getting married and preferably before getting engaged.
Waiting until you are already married to discover the hard way that having a successful marriage requires a lot more work than you initially imagined will only create conflicts and problems in your marriage you weren’t prepared for.
There aren’t just 10 questions to ask before getting married, there are hundreds of before marriage questions that couples have a duty and responsibility to discuss openly and provide honest answers to, in order for both to know exactly what they’re getting themselves into if they choose to marry each other.
That’s why premarital counseling is so important, regardless of what age you are when you get engaged and plan to marry. My advice for anyone planning to get married (regardless of your age) is to make sure you take the time to get as much marriage advice as humanly possible, seek out premarital counseling by a reputable premarital counselor or minister of your choosing, research information on Christian premarital counseling online, take a marriage preparation course, and read marriage books
Being nervous to tell your parents that you are getting married may be because you already suspect they won’t approve or give consent, but you won’t know that until you talk to them. Keeping your engagement a secret, or rushing off to secretly elope, will only make matters worse when telling your parents about your marriage or wedding plans. Don’t wait any longer to tell your parents; they just might surprise you and give full support of your marriage plans, and offer to pay for the wedding or at least part of it.
If you tell your parents about your plan to get married with a disrespectful attitude and tone of voice, prepare yourself for the news to cause an explosive reaction from both your mom and your dad. You may want to tell your parents over dinner at a restaurant if that makes you feel more comfortable and at ease, otherwise calmly and respectfully tell them you are engaged and would like to get married with their consent and approval.
Be prepared to answer any and all questions they ask honestly and respectfully. If you don’t know the answer to one or more of their questions, say you don’t know but be sure to explain that you and your fiance’ are taking all the necessary steps to educate yourselves about marriage and will complete premarital counseling classes, and make sure you do so. Listen and carefully consider whatever your parents have to say, whether it be questions, concerns, doubts or fears if they feel you are too young to get married at your age, or if your parents have other concerns about your relationship.
Telling your parents what they want to hear rather than the truth is a surefire way of making your parents angry, and you can bet they won’t be inclined to give parental consent and you’ll have no choice but to wait until you are of legal age to marry without their approval.
Your parents likely know you better than anyone else at this point in your life, and while I won’t tell you that you are just too young to get married, the fact that fear and nervousness is keeping you from telling your parents about your marriage plans creates questions and doubts about your maturity and readiness for marriage.
If you were my daughter, or Mark was my son, I’d tell you both to wait a couple/few more years before getting married. I’d tell you both to go to college and get your degree, establish yourselves financially in your careers of choice, as you have your entire lives ahead of you to be married and have a family. No lecture here, just facts to help ensure you are saving your marriage before it starts
Do you think someone that is only 17 is just too young to get married, or do you think the decision to marry depends more on maturity and readiness for marriage? What is your advice for Melissa and Mark, or other young couples thinking about getting married at a very young age?
Related Articles:
Questions Before Marriage – Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members
How to Fight Fair in Marriage
How to Spice Up Your Marriage
How to Get Along With the In-Laws: Dealing With In-Laws and Extended Family
Relationship Deal Breakers – Non Negotiable Boundaries
What does it mean to “leave and cleave” in traditional wedding vows?
How to Spot a Gold Digger
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Wow, I could write a novel, but I won’t.
When I told my mom I was getting married, I was 21 and my wife was 19. My mom burst into tears. It was kind’ve a big deal.
We were too young to get married. It was hard for the first couple of years, learning to be a little more mature, learning to work, support each other, get through college – but all that said, it worked out.
We’re deliriously happy now. We love each other very much, and we’re going on 7 years married. It can be done, but the younger you are, the harder it is.
Hi Cory,
It’s amazing how many young people really don’t know or even think about all the work involved with being married, especially happily married.
Parents may even tell their 17, 19, 20 year old kids that they are too young to get married and to wait a few years, but these “teens” don’t want to hear anything that might even hint that they’re just too young and need to wait awhile.
Very young couples (and some older couples) haven’t seriously asked themselves the important questions before getting married, nor do they take the time needed to learn everything there is to know about preparing for marriage so they have a much better chance of having a successful marriage that won’t end up in divorce court. Sad, but true.
I think the advice of getting counseling (or even coaching) is a good one, regardless of age. I have seen folks at 50 not ready to get married, so I don’t think age is a factor at all.
The toughest part about relationships is: communication and how different each person is, in their thinking.
Establishing, in advance how financial, household and all the other responsibilities will be carried out is critical and saves lots of arguing later.
For example, when 2 people cannot agree on a purchase for the home – how will the decision be made, in the end?
Just one example of things that, if they are haggled out in the beginning, makes for the honeymoon lasting much longer!
Wow, that’s a tough one. I am 23 and happily in love, but not yet ready to tie the knot. It’s not really something that I think I want to rush into.
Great advice here!
Hi Pat, young people especially seem to get wrapped up in the idea of getting married and the wedding plans without the real understanding of what it takes to be happily married and how much work is really involved.
Hi Nathalie, it’s great that you realize you’re not ready for the responsibilities of marriage quite yet and taking your time to be sure. Good for you!
Well, first of all I don’t think any advice we can give is going to make a difference – Melissa is convinced that she is mature enough and ready to be married, but here we go:
I got married when I was 21, and after having been married for almost three years, even though I am very happy with my husband, we have far more struggles (particularly financially) than we would have if we had gotten our schooling done and our careers in order.
At 17, you haven’t really lived and you don’t really know who you are. I remember what it was like to be 17 – I thought I knew everything, and I’m sure I thought I was ready to be married by then, too. (In retrospective, that would have been a huge mistake. If I had married the guy I was dating when I was 18-19, we would have been divorced within the year. You become a completely different person when you get out of your teen years and really mature.) You need to really live your life alone, have the experiences you want to have, live by yourself or with some girl friends, even date other people. If you’ve been dating the same person since you’re 14, how does that give you the necessary dating experience to know the kind of person you really want?
I don’t think that wanting to get married right away and refusing to wait are signs of a mature 17-year-old OR a mature 21-year-old. Mature people of any age realize that there is no need to rush into things like this. Marriage isn’t easy – particularly the first few years – and will be a huge wake-up call. It is NOTHING like dating. The highs are much higher, but the lows are much lower.
Get premarital counseling if you’re not willing to change your mind and wait a few years to get married, but understand that you are putting yourself at a huge disadvantage by being so young and not having an education.
Momof2, thank you for your insightful comment. Getting married is the easy part, but being married and happy all at the same time is hard on many levels. You’re also right that getting married at 17 or even 21 without getting their education and some independence and life experience while still single makes it more likely that the marriage will end in divorce very quickly.
Mikey, a friend of mine, have decided to getting married with his loved one, Lindsay when they’re both still in 17-year-old!
Well, it has been a controversial between the both families, but everything was ended up happily, when they found out that Lindsay had pregnant. Isn’t it ironic, Lin?
Hi Wilson, getting married at 17 can definitely cause a controversial situation between families, and when you add teenage pregnancy to the conversation, things can go from bad to worse in many situations real fast. Marriage is hard, but when you find there’s a baby on the way too, the reality of the financial stress can oftentimes ruin young marriages. I hope everything goes well for your friends Mikey and Lindsay, and Melissa and Mark.
over here, marriage at 17 is illegal. :O
they should at the very least attempt to get through college before getting married. once marriage occurs, things are going to get a lot more difficult, especially if children begin to arrive. it would be a sad outcome if the kids’ lives end up deprived, if their parents find they cannot provide the minimum for them.
Hi Kouji, getting married at 17 is definitely illegal in some places. It’s so important to finish high school and go to college before getting married and settle into a career, otherwise there is a much higher chance of spending your life working menial jobs where poverty is a very real problem.
I’ve never understood the attitude that waiting is out of the question, especially when you’re so young. Maybe it’s because I don’t see a huge distinction between say, having a long-term boyfriend and living with him, and having a husband, other than that it’s a legal difference and that you’re financially more tied up. Like everything else, you have to weigh the good and bad. Is having that symbolic and legal benefit worth upsetting your parents when you could just wait a few years and make everyone happier? Maybe if you don’t believe in living together before marriage there’s a significant difference – I don’t know what Melissa’s case is like in that respect.
I would think that it would be quite easy to point out to one’s parents, but that it might be hard explaining the reasoning behind the decision. I am sure any parent would be glad for an item such as this, as long as the partners are at the appropriate stage.
Blair, you pose some interesting self-reflection questions for young people to consider before getting married. Everyone has their own opinion as to whether couples should or shouldn’t live together before married, and after weighing the pros and cons of such a decision, it really is a personal choice.
Of course, choices brings natural consequences, so those considering getting married (especially at such a young age) really need to think long and hard about what their reasons for getting married really are.
Armen, young people are worried about telling their parents they are getting married because they are afraid of the parents reaction to the news. And, in states where parental consent is required to get married under the age of 18, teenagers want to know how to tell their parents they are engaged and want to get married so that the parents will give legal consent, rather than just saying “No, end of discussion”.
hi!
i just read all your comments and i wanted to say that you guys raise good points.
in my case, i’m 20 and have 1 year left at university. my fiance and i are getting married in the summer. he has a good job and an apartment. i study fulltime and work part time. we are scheduled to take our premarital course..we’ve read books.. we have married older friends with which we talk. so we are very prepared. as christians we have chosen to honour God and abstain from living together but we’ve been going steady for 2 years..we know how hard marriage is.personally, my mom wants us to wait another year ( but its more of a control issue>>empty nest) but it is up to us really and his parents are ok with it as long as university isnt affected.
what would you say about people like me? because it sounded like you were generalising.
Hi hotpink, thank you for your question and congratulations on your engagement!
With you having one more year of college to finish + trying to hold down a job on top of your education, I personally would suggest waiting until you have completely finished school.
The excitement about the wedding and making the wedding and honeymoon plans (if any) can often crowd out reasonable and practical thinking, and it’s understandable. Getting married is very exciting! But…
Being married (regardless of how much “preparation” received from books and/or counseling) can be very hard, and many couples don’t realize the reality of the changes that take place until after the fun and festivities of the wedding/reception/honeymoon are over and the couple gets busy with living as a married couple and sometimes find themselves saying to themselves “I regret getting married” so young and “I should have waited” a bit longer.
If you feel your mom is dealing with empty nest control issues, it would be understandable for you to consider getting an apartment of your own while you finish school and work, perhaps by getting a female friend roommate to help with expenses.
My vote is to wait to get married until you’ve finished school. The hectic schedule of school, job and being a wife will be much less chaotic if you wait until school is over. Good luck!
I will definitely echo the sentiments of others here and suggest you complete school before heading down the aisle. I also strongly encourage pre – marital counseling because the stronger and more secure your foundation is before you get married, the better off you will be when the storms come.
Best of luck!
Hi Alisa, I’m glad you agree that pre-marital counseling has tremendous benefits for couples planning to get married. I also think couples should plan on continuing with what I refer to as post-marriage counseling for awhile, since the first year or two is typically the hardest for newly married couples.
Hi!
I’m 19 and I just got engaged but I haven’t told my parents.
My Fiancé is 24 and we’re in no big rush.
I’m the baby in the family and I’m afraid of my the reaction I will receive.
I consider myself accomplished enough, and mature enough to handle such a responsibility. I am a licensed cosmetologist and I work at a well known salon. I am steady in my job, but that is not the case for my fiancé. He’s going to school to get his degree, but he’s still unsure about what he’s going to focus on. I have a feeling that is the reason I am hesitant about telling my parents. I may know where my life is headed, but I know they won’t take to kindly to me getting married to someone who isn’t as career oriented as I am.
I want to know what a good way of telling my parents. I’m a bit at a loss when it comes to confrontation. After all, I am the baby and in their eyes, I can’t do wrong. I’m afraid that they will think I have done wrong, despite the fact that I know that I haven’t. I’ve never felt more confident in my life.
I was thinking about inviting my fiancé over for dinner at my parents house (where I still live) and telling them the news there.
I have a conundrum on my hands. I’m an articulate person and I don’t know how to word it correctly. I’ve never been at such a loss for words.
Really, any advise would help.
Mystearica, hopefully you received my email from yesterday as to why the delay in responding to your comment. We were having issues with the site and it was down for several hours, making it impossible to respond.
I can see why you would have some concerns about telling your parents you are getting married, mostly due to the fact that your fiance’ hasn’t decided yet what he wants to do career-wise. You’re working steadily and I’m sure your parents are proud of you for your accomplishments, but the issue of your fiance’ not being where you are in terms of job choice etc, may very likely be a problem for your parents. I can understand why they would be concerned about that.
I typically recommend telling parents on neutral grounds like at a restaurant, not in anyone’s home. A person’s home environment is their own “turf”, and while your parents may feel comfortable in their own turf, the subject of telling your parents you are engaged and their reaction to the news might make your fiance’ feel very, very uncomfortable. Especially if your parents don’t take the news well.
I’m glad to hear you aren’t in any hurry to rush into marriage, especially since your fiance’ isn’t settled into a job/career choice yet. I would recommend telling your parents you are engaged but are NOT making any plans as of yet for a wedding date and are NOT making any wedding arrangements until…………..your fiance’ is settled into his job/career. That means I also recommend to you that you postpone any thoughts of the “big day” and not start looking at wedding dresses and picking your bridemaids etc until your fiance’ is settled in a job.
Engagements can be undone if it found to be necessary for one reason or another, and while marriages can be undone, it’s a heck of a lot harder and much more expensive to undo a marriage that wasn’t meant to be.
Give yourself lots of time, as you said theirs no rush. YOU want to know for certain that you aren’t going to be the only one behaving responsibly in the marriage, paying all the bills while dear “hubby” can’t figure out “what he wants to do with his life” etc. Many wives in that predicament would scream at the top of their lungs…..Don’t get married until he has a steady job and shows you by his actions that he’s ready to act like an adult.
Since we had the issues with the site yesterday, I’d appreciate it if you would let me know that you’ve received this reply so I know it’s working properly again. Hugs and Congratulations on your engagement!
Thanks. I’ll see about a restaurant, but it will be difficult to get my father out of the house. We’re not exactly best friends. That’s when my fiancé didn’t ask for permission.
No big rush at all. I’m not even looking forward to dress shopping, so that won’t be a problem.
Thanks for replying back so soon. I feel a bit better now about the situation.
[...] magazines and wedding books telling couples how to plan a wedding, suggest that couples who have told their parents they are getting married should FIRST: decide what type of wedding they want, create a wedding planning checklist, choose [...]
I’m also 19 and engaged to a man that I’ve been with for four years. I feel like I’m ready to get married, but it’s really only because I’ve lived a life without anyone backing me up but myself. Both of my parents died when I was really young, and I was placed into my grandmothers care (but in the end I was taking more care of her than she was me.) But my fiance and I are very much ready to get married (we both think so and are presently in college supporting ourselves.) Even though we’re still sort of young, I really do think it wouldn’t affect our lives in any detrimental manner. What’s your opinion?
Hi Sara,
The word you used, “but”, says a lot for me. Growing up without your parents and being raised by your grandmother (or at least partly) may very well have created some sense of “dependency” in you. Not necessarily a terrible thing to depend on someone else, since married couples depend on each other for many things.
But…., getting married because of not growing up with someone to back you up is not a good reason to get married. Actually, it’s one of the worst reasons to get married.
You’re only 19 years old, and still going to college. You love your fiance’ of course, but you will likely still love him when you’ve graduated from college and established yourself in your chosen career. So I would ask you, What’s the rush to get married at 19?
Getting married for the wrong reasons and getting married too young will absolutely affect your lives and any children that may bless the union at some point.
Loving someone as much as you love your man is not a good reason to get married. If you were my daughter Sara, I would ask to give careful and deep consideration to your personal reasons for wanting to get married.
Ask yourself, Why do I want to get married? Why? What are my expectations of being married? What does it mean to be a good wife and a good or a good husband? What role models have I had in being a good wife, in order to know how to be a good wife and mother to our future children?
Living together is not the same thing as being married, despite the assertions of many people in today’s society. Many people advocate living together before married, but research and statistics have shown that those who live together before marriage (especially those who are still very young) increases the likelihood of divorce.
My advice to you Sara would be to wait on getting married. If you love your fiance’ and your fiance’ loves you, there should be no valid reason why the two of you can’t wait for a few more years to finish college and establish yourself (and him establish himself) in your careers. If you love each other now as much as you feel you do, you will both love each other in a few years too.
One thing that struck me when I read your message was that I got the feeling that somewhere deep down inside of you, there may possibly be a sense of insecurity and fear of losing your man if you don’t get married right now. The way you had to grow up without your parents could easily create insecurity about losing someone you love, but that’s a terrible reason to get married.
Finish college, get your career and finances established well, start saving your money, don’t build up a bunch of debt (or pay off any debt you may have due to college loans or whatever) and really put yourself in a position mentally/emotionally and financially of being able to do everything and anything for yourself without the help of any man or anyone else. Fully develop your maturity in all the areas that I commonly refer to as “how to be an adult”, and then and only then would I agree that a couple are truly “ready” to get married. Good luck with your decision hon. I wish you both well.