17 year-old Melissa and her 21 year-old boyfriend Mark want to know how to tell her parents they are getting married. Melissa and Mark secretly got engaged last month on Melissa’s birthday and are planning on getting married soon, and she is very nervous about telling her parents. She’s especially nervous about telling her dad that she is getting married at 17, as she’s afraid both of her parents will not approve of the marriage. After searching for information on “telling parents about getting married”, Melissa found my Questions to Ask Before Getting Married article, which lead her to email me yesterday.
Melissa wrote, “How do I tell my parents I’m getting married so they will give parental consent? In the state I live, the age you can get married without a parent’s consent is 18, but we don’t want to wait. No, I’m not pregnant. We love each other very much and want to get married right away. I’m very mature for my age and we both feel we are mature enough to handle the responsibilities of being married, so why should we have to wait until I turn 18? What’s the big deal? Please don’t tell me I’m too young to get married, and I’m not looking for a lecture on whether we should get married or not. Oh, we’ve been dating since I was 14 and he was 18.”
Getting married at 17 is a very big deal, and while I won’t lecture on how young is too young to get married, I will give some important things to consider before getting married and then how to tell your parents you are getting married, or at least wanting to get married.
There are many good reasons to get married, just as there are many reasons not to get married, and it doesn’t matter if the person is 17, 18, 21, 26 or 30 years-old or older. Getting married is the easy part; being married and being happily married for the rest of your life is not so easy, and those considering marriage should not take getting married lightly.
Reasons not to get married include getting married because of “love at first sight”, immaturity, sexual attraction/lust, a cure for loneliness, freedom from parents, as an act of rebellion, rebound relationships, pressure to marry, wish for a fancy wedding, friends or peers are married or getting married, a sense of obligation, pregnancy, wanting a baby, emotional insecurity, and financial reasons.
Many of these reasons are purely selfish and do not take into account the other person’s feelings or needs, and such marriages are more likely to end in divorce. Just because there is an chronological age you can get married legally in most states, with or without parental consent, doesn’t mean you should get married now, or ever.
Regardless of age, anyone contemplating marriage should spend a great deal of time learning everything there is to know about the responsibilities in marriage, the roles of husband and wife, paying special attention to learning about how to be a good wife or how to be a good husband before getting married and preferably before getting engaged.
Waiting until you are already married to discover the hard way that having a successful marriage requires a lot more work than you initially imagined will only create conflicts and problems in your marriage you weren’t prepared for.
There aren’t just 10 questions to ask before getting married, there are hundreds of before marriage questions that couples have a duty and responsibility to discuss openly and provide honest answers to, in order for both to know exactly what they’re getting themselves into if they choose to marry each other.
That’s why premarital counseling is so important, regardless of what age you are when you get engaged and plan to marry. My advice for anyone planning to get married (regardless of your age) is to make sure you take the time to get as much marriage advice as humanly possible, seek out premarital counseling by a reputable premarital counselor or minister of your choosing, research information on Christian premarital counseling online, take a marriage preparation course, and read marriage books
Being nervous to tell your parents that you are getting married may be because you already suspect they won’t approve or give consent, but you won’t know that until you talk to them. Keeping your engagement a secret, or rushing off to secretly elope, will only make matters worse when telling your parents about your marriage or wedding plans. Don’t wait any longer to tell your parents; they just might surprise you and give full support of your marriage plans, and offer to pay for the wedding or at least part of it.
If you tell your parents about your plan to get married with a disrespectful attitude and tone of voice, prepare yourself for the news to cause an explosive reaction from both your mom and your dad. You may want to tell your parents over dinner at a restaurant if that makes you feel more comfortable and at ease, otherwise calmly and respectfully tell them you are engaged and would like to get married with their consent and approval.
Be prepared to answer any and all questions they ask honestly and respectfully. If you don’t know the answer to one or more of their questions, say you don’t know but be sure to explain that you and your fiance’ are taking all the necessary steps to educate yourselves about marriage and will complete premarital counseling classes, and make sure you do so. Listen and carefully consider whatever your parents have to say, whether it be questions, concerns, doubts or fears if they feel you are too young to get married at your age, or if your parents have other concerns about your relationship.
Telling your parents what they want to hear rather than the truth is a surefire way of making your parents angry, and you can bet they won’t be inclined to give parental consent and you’ll have no choice but to wait until you are of legal age to marry without their approval.
Your parents likely know you better than anyone else at this point in your life, and while I won’t tell you that you are just too young to get married, the fact that fear and nervousness is keeping you from telling your parents about your marriage plans creates questions and doubts about your maturity and readiness for marriage.
If you were my daughter, or Mark was my son, I’d tell you both to wait a couple/few more years before getting married. I’d tell you both to go to college and get your degree, establish yourselves financially in your careers of choice, as you have your entire lives ahead of you to be married and have a family. No lecture here, just facts to help ensure you are saving your marriage before it starts
Do you think someone that is only 17 is just too young to get married, or do you think the decision to marry depends more on maturity and readiness for marriage? What is your advice for Melissa and Mark, or other young couples thinking about getting married at a very young age?
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19 responses so far ↓
1 cory huff (2 comments.) // Sep 25, 2008 at 9:18 am
Wow, I could write a novel, but I won’t.
When I told my mom I was getting married, I was 21 and my wife was 19. My mom burst into tears. It was kind’ve a big deal.
We were too young to get married. It was hard for the first couple of years, learning to be a little more mature, learning to work, support each other, get through college - but all that said, it worked out.
We’re deliriously happy now. We love each other very much, and we’re going on 7 years married. It can be done, but the younger you are, the harder it is.
2 Lin (1019 comments.) // Sep 25, 2008 at 9:52 am
Hi Cory,
It’s amazing how many young people really don’t know or even think about all the work involved with being married, especially happily married.
Parents may even tell their 17, 19, 20 year old kids that they are too young to get married and to wait a few years, but these “teens” don’t want to hear anything that might even hint that they’re just too young and need to wait awhile.
Very young couples (and some older couples) haven’t seriously asked themselves the important questions before getting married, nor do they take the time needed to learn everything there is to know about preparing for marriage so they have a much better chance of having a successful marriage that won’t end up in divorce court. Sad, but true.
3 Pat Graham-Block (1 comments.) // Sep 25, 2008 at 11:19 am
I think the advice of getting counseling (or even coaching) is a good one, regardless of age. I have seen folks at 50 not ready to get married, so I don’t think age is a factor at all.
The toughest part about relationships is: communication and how different each person is, in their thinking.
Establishing, in advance how financial, household and all the other responsibilities will be carried out is critical and saves lots of arguing later.
For example, when 2 people cannot agree on a purchase for the home - how will the decision be made, in the end?
Just one example of things that, if they are haggled out in the beginning, makes for the honeymoon lasting much longer!
4 Nathalie Lussier from Billionaire Woman (1 comments.) // Sep 25, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Wow, that’s a tough one. I am 23 and happily in love, but not yet ready to tie the knot. It’s not really something that I think I want to rush into.
Great advice here!
5 Lin (1019 comments.) // Sep 25, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Hi Pat, young people especially seem to get wrapped up in the idea of getting married and the wedding plans without the real understanding of what it takes to be happily married and how much work is really involved.
Hi Nathalie, it’s great that you realize you’re not ready for the responsibilities of marriage quite yet and taking your time to be sure. Good for you!
6 Married Mom of 2 // Sep 28, 2008 at 11:20 am
Well, first of all I don’t think any advice we can give is going to make a difference - Melissa is convinced that she is mature enough and ready to be married, but here we go:
I got married when I was 21, and after having been married for almost three years, even though I am very happy with my husband, we have far more struggles (particularly financially) than we would have if we had gotten our schooling done and our careers in order.
At 17, you haven’t really lived and you don’t really know who you are. I remember what it was like to be 17 - I thought I knew everything, and I’m sure I thought I was ready to be married by then, too. (In retrospective, that would have been a huge mistake. If I had married the guy I was dating when I was 18-19, we would have been divorced within the year. You become a completely different person when you get out of your teen years and really mature.) You need to really live your life alone, have the experiences you want to have, live by yourself or with some girl friends, even date other people. If you’ve been dating the same person since you’re 14, how does that give you the necessary dating experience to know the kind of person you really want?
I don’t think that wanting to get married right away and refusing to wait are signs of a mature 17-year-old OR a mature 21-year-old. Mature people of any age realize that there is no need to rush into things like this. Marriage isn’t easy - particularly the first few years - and will be a huge wake-up call. It is NOTHING like dating. The highs are much higher, but the lows are much lower.
Get premarital counseling if you’re not willing to change your mind and wait a few years to get married, but understand that you are putting yourself at a huge disadvantage by being so young and not having an education.
7 Lin (1019 comments.) // Sep 28, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Momof2, thank you for your insightful comment. Getting married is the easy part, but being married and happy all at the same time is hard on many levels. You’re also right that getting married at 17 or even 21 without getting their education and some independence and life experience while still single makes it more likely that the marriage will end in divorce very quickly.
8 wilson (27 comments.) // Sep 29, 2008 at 5:31 am
Mikey, a friend of mine, have decided to getting married with his loved one, Lindsay when they’re both still in 17-year-old!
Well, it has been a controversial between the both families, but everything was ended up happily, when they found out that Lindsay had pregnant. Isn’t it ironic, Lin?
9 Lin (1019 comments.) // Sep 29, 2008 at 6:39 am
Hi Wilson, getting married at 17 can definitely cause a controversial situation between families, and when you add teenage pregnancy to the conversation, things can go from bad to worse in many situations real fast. Marriage is hard, but when you find there’s a baby on the way too, the reality of the financial stress can oftentimes ruin young marriages. I hope everything goes well for your friends Mikey and Lindsay, and Melissa and Mark.
10 kouji (2 comments.) // Oct 2, 2008 at 2:38 pm
over here, marriage at 17 is illegal. :O
they should at the very least attempt to get through college before getting married. once marriage occurs, things are going to get a lot more difficult, especially if children begin to arrive. it would be a sad outcome if the kids’ lives end up deprived, if their parents find they cannot provide the minimum for them.
11 Lin (1019 comments.) // Oct 3, 2008 at 10:20 am
Hi Kouji, getting married at 17 is definitely illegal in some places. It’s so important to finish high school and go to college before getting married and settle into a career, otherwise there is a much higher chance of spending your life working menial jobs where poverty is a very real problem.
12 Blair (1 comments.) // Oct 13, 2008 at 11:09 am
I’ve never understood the attitude that waiting is out of the question, especially when you’re so young. Maybe it’s because I don’t see a huge distinction between say, having a long-term boyfriend and living with him, and having a husband, other than that it’s a legal difference and that you’re financially more tied up. Like everything else, you have to weigh the good and bad. Is having that symbolic and legal benefit worth upsetting your parents when you could just wait a few years and make everyone happier? Maybe if you don’t believe in living together before marriage there’s a significant difference - I don’t know what Melissa’s case is like in that respect.
13 Armen Shirvanian (3 comments.) // Oct 19, 2008 at 1:53 pm
I would think that it would be quite easy to point out to one’s parents, but that it might be hard explaining the reasoning behind the decision. I am sure any parent would be glad for an item such as this, as long as the partners are at the appropriate stage.
14 Lin (1019 comments.) // Oct 19, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Blair, you pose some interesting self-reflection questions for young people to consider before getting married. Everyone has their own opinion as to whether couples should or shouldn’t live together before married, and after weighing the pros and cons of such a decision, it really is a personal choice.
Of course, choices brings natural consequences, so those considering getting married (especially at such a young age) really need to think long and hard about what their reasons for getting married really are.
15 Lin (1019 comments.) // Oct 19, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Armen, young people are worried about telling their parents they are getting married because they are afraid of the parents reaction to the news. And, in states where parental consent is required to get married under the age of 18, teenagers want to know how to tell their parents they are engaged and want to get married so that the parents will give legal consent, rather than just saying “No, end of discussion”.
16 hottpink88 // Oct 21, 2008 at 6:02 am
hi!
i just read all your comments and i wanted to say that you guys raise good points.
in my case, i’m 20 and have 1 year left at university. my fiance and i are getting married in the summer. he has a good job and an apartment. i study fulltime and work part time. we are scheduled to take our premarital course..we’ve read books.. we have married older friends with which we talk. so we are very prepared. as christians we have chosen to honour God and abstain from living together but we’ve been going steady for 2 years..we know how hard marriage is.personally, my mom wants us to wait another year ( but its more of a control issue>>empty nest) but it is up to us really and his parents are ok with it as long as university isnt affected.
what would you say about people like me? because it sounded like you were generalising.
17 Lin (1019 comments.) // Oct 21, 2008 at 8:02 am
Hi hotpink, thank you for your question and congratulations on your engagement!
With you having one more year of college to finish + trying to hold down a job on top of your education, I personally would suggest waiting until you have completely finished school.
The excitement about the wedding and making the wedding and honeymoon plans (if any) can often crowd out reasonable and practical thinking, and it’s understandable. Getting married is very exciting! But…
Being married (regardless of how much “preparation” received from books and/or counseling) can be very hard, and many couples don’t realize the reality of the changes that take place until after the fun and festivities of the wedding/reception/honeymoon are over and the couple gets busy with living as a married couple and sometimes find themselves saying to themselves “I regret getting married” so young and “I should have waited” a bit longer.
If you feel your mom is dealing with empty nest control issues, it would be understandable for you to consider getting an apartment of your own while you finish school and work, perhaps by getting a female friend roommate to help with expenses.
My vote is to wait to get married until you’ve finished school. The hectic schedule of school, job and being a wife will be much less chaotic if you wait until school is over. Good luck!
18 alisa bowman (2 comments.) // Oct 22, 2008 at 8:25 pm
I will definitely echo the sentiments of others here and suggest you complete school before heading down the aisle. I also strongly encourage pre - marital counseling because the stronger and more secure your foundation is before you get married, the better off you will be when the storms come.
Best of luck!
19 Lin (1019 comments.) // Oct 22, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Hi Alisa, I’m glad you agree that pre-marital counseling has tremendous benefits for couples planning to get married. I also think couples should plan on continuing with what I refer to as post-marriage counseling for awhile, since the first year or two is typically the hardest for newly married couples.
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