17 year-old Melissa and her 21 year-old boyfriend Mark want to know how to tell her parents they are getting married. Melissa and Mark secretly got engaged last month on Melissa’s birthday and are planning on getting married soon, and she is very nervous about telling her parents. She’s especially nervous about telling her dad that she is getting married at 17, as she’s afraid both of her parents will not approve of the marriage. After searching for information on “telling parents about getting married”, Melissa found my Questions to Ask Before Getting Married article, which lead her to email me yesterday.
Melissa wrote, “How do I tell my parents I’m getting married so they will give parental consent? In the state I live, the age you can get married without a parent’s consent is 18, but we don’t want to wait. No, I’m not pregnant. We love each other very much and want to get married right away. I’m very mature for my age and we both feel we are mature enough to handle the responsibilities of being married, so why should we have to wait until I turn 18? What’s the big deal? Please don’t tell me I’m too young to get married, and I’m not looking for a lecture on whether we should get married or not. Oh, we’ve been dating since I was 14 and he was 18.”
Getting married at 17 is a very big deal, and while I won’t lecture on how young is too young to get married, I will give some important things to consider before getting married and then how to tell your parents you are getting married, or at least wanting to get married.
There are many good reasons to get married, just as there are many reasons not to get married, and it doesn’t matter if the person is 17, 18, 21, 26 or 30 years-old or older. Getting married is the easy part; being married and being happily married for the rest of your life is not so easy, and those considering marriage should not take getting married lightly.
Reasons not to get married include getting married because of “love at first sight”, immaturity, sexual attraction/lust, a cure for loneliness, freedom from parents, as an act of rebellion, rebound relationships, pressure to marry, wish for a fancy wedding, friends or peers are married or getting married, a sense of obligation, pregnancy, wanting a baby, emotional insecurity, and financial reasons.
Many of these reasons are purely selfish and do not take into account the other person’s feelings or needs, and such marriages are more likely to end in divorce. Just because there is an chronological age you can get married legally in most states, with or without parental consent, doesn’t mean you should get married now, or ever.
Regardless of age, anyone contemplating marriage should spend a great deal of time learning everything there is to know about the responsibilities in marriage, the roles of husband and wife, paying special attention to learning about how to be a good wife or how to be a good husband before getting married and preferably before getting engaged.
Waiting until you are already married to discover the hard way that having a successful marriage requires a lot more work than you initially imagined will only create conflicts and problems in your marriage you weren’t prepared for.
There aren’t just 10 questions to ask before getting married, there are hundreds of before marriage questions that couples have a duty and responsibility to discuss openly and provide honest answers to, in order for both to know exactly what they’re getting themselves into if they choose to marry each other.
That’s why premarital counseling is so important, regardless of what age you are when you get engaged and plan to marry. My advice for anyone planning to get married (regardless of your age) is to make sure you take the time to get as much marriage advice as humanly possible, seek out premarital counseling by a reputable premarital counselor or minister of your choosing, research information on Christian premarital counseling online, take a marriage preparation course, and read marriage books
Being nervous to tell your parents that you are getting married may be because you already suspect they won’t approve or give consent, but you won’t know that until you talk to them. Keeping your engagement a secret, or rushing off to secretly elope, will only make matters worse when telling your parents about your marriage or wedding plans. Don’t wait any longer to tell your parents; they just might surprise you and give full support of your marriage plans, and offer to pay for the wedding or at least part of it.
If you tell your parents about your plan to get married with a disrespectful attitude and tone of voice, prepare yourself for the news to cause an explosive reaction from both your mom and your dad. You may want to tell your parents over dinner at a restaurant if that makes you feel more comfortable and at ease, otherwise calmly and respectfully tell them you are engaged and would like to get married with their consent and approval.
Be prepared to answer any and all questions they ask honestly and respectfully. If you don’t know the answer to one or more of their questions, say you don’t know but be sure to explain that you and your fiance’ are taking all the necessary steps to educate yourselves about marriage and will complete premarital counseling classes, and make sure you do so. Listen and carefully consider whatever your parents have to say, whether it be questions, concerns, doubts or fears if they feel you are too young to get married at your age, or if your parents have other concerns about your relationship.
Telling your parents what they want to hear rather than the truth is a surefire way of making your parents angry, and you can bet they won’t be inclined to give parental consent and you’ll have no choice but to wait until you are of legal age to marry without their approval.
Your parents likely know you better than anyone else at this point in your life, and while I won’t tell you that you are just too young to get married, the fact that fear and nervousness is keeping you from telling your parents about your marriage plans creates questions and doubts about your maturity and readiness for marriage.
If you were my daughter, or Mark was my son, I’d tell you both to wait a couple/few more years before getting married. I’d tell you both to go to college and get your degree, establish yourselves financially in your careers of choice, as you have your entire lives ahead of you to be married and have a family. No lecture here, just facts to help ensure you are saving your marriage before it starts
Do you think someone that is only 17 is just too young to get married, or do you think the decision to marry depends more on maturity and readiness for marriage? What is your advice for Melissa and Mark, or other young couples thinking about getting married at a very young age?
Related Articles:
Questions Before Marriage – Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members
How to Fight Fair in Marriage
How to Spice Up Your Marriage
How to Get Along With the In-Laws: Dealing With In-Laws and Extended Family
Relationship Deal Breakers – Non Negotiable Boundaries
What does it mean to “leave and cleave” in traditional wedding vows?
How to Spot a Gold Digger
Wow, I could write a novel, but I won’t.
When I told my mom I was getting married, I was 21 and my wife was 19. My mom burst into tears. It was kind’ve a big deal.
We were too young to get married. It was hard for the first couple of years, learning to be a little more mature, learning to work, support each other, get through college – but all that said, it worked out.
We’re deliriously happy now. We love each other very much, and we’re going on 7 years married. It can be done, but the younger you are, the harder it is.
Hi Cory,
It’s amazing how many young people really don’t know or even think about all the work involved with being married, especially happily married.
Parents may even tell their 17, 19, 20 year old kids that they are too young to get married and to wait a few years, but these “teens” don’t want to hear anything that might even hint that they’re just too young and need to wait awhile.
Very young couples (and some older couples) haven’t seriously asked themselves the important questions before getting married, nor do they take the time needed to learn everything there is to know about preparing for marriage so they have a much better chance of having a successful marriage that won’t end up in divorce court. Sad, but true.
I think the advice of getting counseling (or even coaching) is a good one, regardless of age. I have seen folks at 50 not ready to get married, so I don’t think age is a factor at all.
The toughest part about relationships is: communication and how different each person is, in their thinking.
Establishing, in advance how financial, household and all the other responsibilities will be carried out is critical and saves lots of arguing later.
For example, when 2 people cannot agree on a purchase for the home – how will the decision be made, in the end?
Just one example of things that, if they are haggled out in the beginning, makes for the honeymoon lasting much longer!
Wow, that’s a tough one. I am 23 and happily in love, but not yet ready to tie the knot. It’s not really something that I think I want to rush into.
Great advice here!
Hi Pat, young people especially seem to get wrapped up in the idea of getting married and the wedding plans without the real understanding of what it takes to be happily married and how much work is really involved.
Hi Nathalie, it’s great that you realize you’re not ready for the responsibilities of marriage quite yet and taking your time to be sure. Good for you!
Well, first of all I don’t think any advice we can give is going to make a difference – Melissa is convinced that she is mature enough and ready to be married, but here we go:
I got married when I was 21, and after having been married for almost three years, even though I am very happy with my husband, we have far more struggles (particularly financially) than we would have if we had gotten our schooling done and our careers in order.
At 17, you haven’t really lived and you don’t really know who you are. I remember what it was like to be 17 – I thought I knew everything, and I’m sure I thought I was ready to be married by then, too. (In retrospective, that would have been a huge mistake. If I had married the guy I was dating when I was 18-19, we would have been divorced within the year. You become a completely different person when you get out of your teen years and really mature.) You need to really live your life alone, have the experiences you want to have, live by yourself or with some girl friends, even date other people. If you’ve been dating the same person since you’re 14, how does that give you the necessary dating experience to know the kind of person you really want?
I don’t think that wanting to get married right away and refusing to wait are signs of a mature 17-year-old OR a mature 21-year-old. Mature people of any age realize that there is no need to rush into things like this. Marriage isn’t easy – particularly the first few years – and will be a huge wake-up call. It is NOTHING like dating. The highs are much higher, but the lows are much lower.
Get premarital counseling if you’re not willing to change your mind and wait a few years to get married, but understand that you are putting yourself at a huge disadvantage by being so young and not having an education.
I really just wanted to reply to this comment.
I will be turning 20 in November as is my husband of one year. For any skeptics reading this, before getting married, both of us were virgins and have only been with each other since our wedding. In addition, we both attend college on full scholarships, work part time during school and full time over the summers and vacations. Yes, it is difficult at times, but building my life with my husband instead of settling down and getting stuck in our own ways by ourselves was completely worth it. We are getting through everything together. We are supporting each other. We do not, by any means, feel as though we rushed into anything. He completes my life and spending every day with him, no matter what struggle we face, will always be easier than spending one day without him.
You write this: “You need to really live your life alone, have the experiences you want to have, live by yourself or with some girl friends, even date other people. If you’ve been dating the same person since you’re 14, how does that give you the necessary dating experience to know the kind of person you really want?” and my response is that it is ridiculous. When choosing between being alone and finding love, why wouldn’t you find love? Why would I want to live with girlfriends who aren’t as serious in getting their lives together? I met my husband when I was 14- he became my best friend and we got through everything together. We dated for three years before getting engaged. I never thought twice or wondered about any other guy. Why the heck should I have? My husband said he loved me, treated me with the utmost dignity and respect, cherished me, never pressured me to do anything we weren’t ready for. He was a true man- never once did I think I was dating a boy- a child. I feel safe in his arms and I know that no matter what, I can always count on him.
I’m certainly not saying all relationships are like the one I have with my husband, but I am telling you that love can be found at even the age of 17. Also, who says that because they are young, they are rushing? Many “adults” date for just months and are engaged then happily married. Why, because the age is younger, is that rushing. Can not a mature young woman, coming from a strong loving family, make the decision herself to know what she wants and deserves in life. Teenage girls in today’s culture are opten very immature- but look at their role models! Give a handful of girls some really strong, moral, virtuous role models and you have yourself a WOMAN who know what she deserves and what not to settle for.
Again, I do not know the situation that this girl is in incredibly well since not a lot of personal information was disclosed; however, I do know that when parents start underestimating the maturity of their children, they get exactly what they predicted. Give your kids some credit- not all of them are off doing drugs, drinking, or having sex. Some of them are off being good, strong, moral young adults- young men and women- having the full capacity to find love.
Dear Happily Married,
I must say you have said what i would have said, except better. Im 22, and trying to marrt a girl who I havent even dated. Were both virgins and best friends for the past 6 years. I take pride in my virginity and respect that my to be wife has kept something so special for her husband in return. Id basically like to add to your post that sometimes a person may just be under your nose and you may not suspect it. I have had no dating experience what so ever but I like to believe that it isnt neccessary. You dont have to meet people who you might regret meeting later. Its simple logic, if there is someone who is fulfilling your needs in terms of mental compromise, intellectual understanding and even proving loyalty/love towards you then why waste time going around and making hurtful mistakes? I wish you both the happiest of joys from the bottom of my heart, God bless
Momof2, thank you for your insightful comment. Getting married is the easy part, but being married and happy all at the same time is hard on many levels. You’re also right that getting married at 17 or even 21 without getting their education and some independence and life experience while still single makes it more likely that the marriage will end in divorce very quickly.
Mikey, a friend of mine, have decided to getting married with his loved one, Lindsay when they’re both still in 17-year-old!
Well, it has been a controversial between the both families, but everything was ended up happily, when they found out that Lindsay had pregnant. Isn’t it ironic, Lin?
Hi Wilson, getting married at 17 can definitely cause a controversial situation between families, and when you add teenage pregnancy to the conversation, things can go from bad to worse in many situations real fast. Marriage is hard, but when you find there’s a baby on the way too, the reality of the financial stress can oftentimes ruin young marriages. I hope everything goes well for your friends Mikey and Lindsay, and Melissa and Mark.
over here, marriage at 17 is illegal. :O
they should at the very least attempt to get through college before getting married. once marriage occurs, things are going to get a lot more difficult, especially if children begin to arrive. it would be a sad outcome if the kids’ lives end up deprived, if their parents find they cannot provide the minimum for them.
Hi Kouji, getting married at 17 is definitely illegal in some places. It’s so important to finish high school and go to college before getting married and settle into a career, otherwise there is a much higher chance of spending your life working menial jobs where poverty is a very real problem.
I’ve never understood the attitude that waiting is out of the question, especially when you’re so young. Maybe it’s because I don’t see a huge distinction between say, having a long-term boyfriend and living with him, and having a husband, other than that it’s a legal difference and that you’re financially more tied up. Like everything else, you have to weigh the good and bad. Is having that symbolic and legal benefit worth upsetting your parents when you could just wait a few years and make everyone happier? Maybe if you don’t believe in living together before marriage there’s a significant difference – I don’t know what Melissa’s case is like in that respect.
I would think that it would be quite easy to point out to one’s parents, but that it might be hard explaining the reasoning behind the decision. I am sure any parent would be glad for an item such as this, as long as the partners are at the appropriate stage.
Blair, you pose some interesting self-reflection questions for young people to consider before getting married. Everyone has their own opinion as to whether couples should or shouldn’t live together before married, and after weighing the pros and cons of such a decision, it really is a personal choice.
Of course, choices brings natural consequences, so those considering getting married (especially at such a young age) really need to think long and hard about what their reasons for getting married really are.
Armen, young people are worried about telling their parents they are getting married because they are afraid of the parents reaction to the news. And, in states where parental consent is required to get married under the age of 18, teenagers want to know how to tell their parents they are engaged and want to get married so that the parents will give legal consent, rather than just saying “No, end of discussion”.
hi!
i just read all your comments and i wanted to say that you guys raise good points.
in my case, i’m 20 and have 1 year left at university. my fiance and i are getting married in the summer. he has a good job and an apartment. i study fulltime and work part time. we are scheduled to take our premarital course..we’ve read books.. we have married older friends with which we talk. so we are very prepared. as christians we have chosen to honour God and abstain from living together but we’ve been going steady for 2 years..we know how hard marriage is.personally, my mom wants us to wait another year ( but its more of a control issue>>empty nest) but it is up to us really and his parents are ok with it as long as university isnt affected.
what would you say about people like me? because it sounded like you were generalising.
Hi hotpink, thank you for your question and congratulations on your engagement!
With you having one more year of college to finish + trying to hold down a job on top of your education, I personally would suggest waiting until you have completely finished school.
The excitement about the wedding and making the wedding and honeymoon plans (if any) can often crowd out reasonable and practical thinking, and it’s understandable. Getting married is very exciting! But…
Being married (regardless of how much “preparation” received from books and/or counseling) can be very hard, and many couples don’t realize the reality of the changes that take place until after the fun and festivities of the wedding/reception/honeymoon are over and the couple gets busy with living as a married couple and sometimes find themselves saying to themselves “I regret getting married” so young and “I should have waited” a bit longer.
If you feel your mom is dealing with empty nest control issues, it would be understandable for you to consider getting an apartment of your own while you finish school and work, perhaps by getting a female friend roommate to help with expenses.
My vote is to wait to get married until you’ve finished school. The hectic schedule of school, job and being a wife will be much less chaotic if you wait until school is over. Good luck!
I will definitely echo the sentiments of others here and suggest you complete school before heading down the aisle. I also strongly encourage pre – marital counseling because the stronger and more secure your foundation is before you get married, the better off you will be when the storms come.
Best of luck!
Hi Alisa, I’m glad you agree that pre-marital counseling has tremendous benefits for couples planning to get married. I also think couples should plan on continuing with what I refer to as post-marriage counseling for awhile, since the first year or two is typically the hardest for newly married couples.
Hi!
I’m 19 and I just got engaged but I haven’t told my parents.
My Fiancé is 24 and we’re in no big rush.
I’m the baby in the family and I’m afraid of my the reaction I will receive.
I consider myself accomplished enough, and mature enough to handle such a responsibility. I am a licensed cosmetologist and I work at a well known salon. I am steady in my job, but that is not the case for my fiancé. He’s going to school to get his degree, but he’s still unsure about what he’s going to focus on. I have a feeling that is the reason I am hesitant about telling my parents. I may know where my life is headed, but I know they won’t take to kindly to me getting married to someone who isn’t as career oriented as I am.
I want to know what a good way of telling my parents. I’m a bit at a loss when it comes to confrontation. After all, I am the baby and in their eyes, I can’t do wrong. I’m afraid that they will think I have done wrong, despite the fact that I know that I haven’t. I’ve never felt more confident in my life.
I was thinking about inviting my fiancé over for dinner at my parents house (where I still live) and telling them the news there.
I have a conundrum on my hands. I’m an articulate person and I don’t know how to word it correctly. I’ve never been at such a loss for words.
Really, any advise would help.
Mystearica, hopefully you received my email from yesterday as to why the delay in responding to your comment. We were having issues with the site and it was down for several hours, making it impossible to respond.
I can see why you would have some concerns about telling your parents you are getting married, mostly due to the fact that your fiance’ hasn’t decided yet what he wants to do career-wise. You’re working steadily and I’m sure your parents are proud of you for your accomplishments, but the issue of your fiance’ not being where you are in terms of job choice etc, may very likely be a problem for your parents. I can understand why they would be concerned about that.
I typically recommend telling parents on neutral grounds like at a restaurant, not in anyone’s home. A person’s home environment is their own “turf”, and while your parents may feel comfortable in their own turf, the subject of telling your parents you are engaged and their reaction to the news might make your fiance’ feel very, very uncomfortable. Especially if your parents don’t take the news well.
I’m glad to hear you aren’t in any hurry to rush into marriage, especially since your fiance’ isn’t settled into a job/career choice yet. I would recommend telling your parents you are engaged but are NOT making any plans as of yet for a wedding date and are NOT making any wedding arrangements until…………..your fiance’ is settled into his job/career. That means I also recommend to you that you postpone any thoughts of the “big day” and not start looking at wedding dresses and picking your bridemaids etc until your fiance’ is settled in a job.
Engagements can be undone if it found to be necessary for one reason or another, and while marriages can be undone, it’s a heck of a lot harder and much more expensive to undo a marriage that wasn’t meant to be.
Give yourself lots of time, as you said theirs no rush. YOU want to know for certain that you aren’t going to be the only one behaving responsibly in the marriage, paying all the bills while dear “hubby” can’t figure out “what he wants to do with his life” etc. Many wives in that predicament would scream at the top of their lungs…..Don’t get married until he has a steady job and shows you by his actions that he’s ready to act like an adult.
Since we had the issues with the site yesterday, I’d appreciate it if you would let me know that you’ve received this reply so I know it’s working properly again. Hugs and Congratulations on your engagement!
Hi everyone!! I’m 22 my girlfriend is 24.we
been dating for 3 years now and we are very happy together.
My girl feels that we should marry sooner than later because she feels life is passing her by quickly and all her friends her
age are already married.I feel that I’m ready but
I think it’s just smarter to wait , I don’t want to discourage
her but at the same time be in the same page with her.
Any suggestion?
Hi Richard,
Your girlfriend’s reasons for wanting to get married are very common, and you are smart for wanting to wait. Wanting to get married because she feels life is passing her by and ding,ding,ding…. all of her friends are already married is one of the many “wrong reasons to get married“, and quickly leads many couples to feel regret after the wedding, parties and celebrations are over and real life sets in. Pressure to get married before it’s the right time and for the right reasons also leads to regret after the wedding. There are some very good reasons why men don’t want to get married real young anymore and they’re/you’re smart for wanting to wait. Don’t give in to pressure. From what you’ve said her reasoning is on wanting to get married sooner than later is a tell-tale sign that she’s caught up in the hoopla of pre-wedding celebrations and the excitement of planning a wedding/reception and being the center of attention on her wedding day. As exciting and fun planning a wedding is, planning and preparing for what married life is really about is much more important. The wedding is one day in your life – married life is the rest of your life. Read these articles and really analyze and discuss with your girlfriend her reasons for wanting to get married and your reasons for wanting to wait awhile, and read the dating/marriage articles on this site as well, and I’ll just bet that you both will be able to recognize that getting married for the wrong reasons and at the wrong time is not what either of you wants to have happen. Doing so leads to regret, animosity, resentment and divorce.
Thanks. I’ll see about a restaurant, but it will be difficult to get my father out of the house. We’re not exactly best friends. That’s when my fiancé didn’t ask for permission.
No big rush at all. I’m not even looking forward to dress shopping, so that won’t be a problem.
Thanks for replying back so soon. I feel a bit better now about the situation.
I’m also 19 and engaged to a man that I’ve been with for four years. I feel like I’m ready to get married, but it’s really only because I’ve lived a life without anyone backing me up but myself. Both of my parents died when I was really young, and I was placed into my grandmothers care (but in the end I was taking more care of her than she was me.) But my fiance and I are very much ready to get married (we both think so and are presently in college supporting ourselves.) Even though we’re still sort of young, I really do think it wouldn’t affect our lives in any detrimental manner. What’s your opinion?
Hi Sara,
The word you used, “but”, says a lot for me. Growing up without your parents and being raised by your grandmother (or at least partly) may very well have created some sense of “dependency” in you. Not necessarily a terrible thing to depend on someone else, since married couples depend on each other for many things.
But…., getting married because of not growing up with someone to back you up is not a good reason to get married. Actually, it’s one of the worst reasons to get married.
You’re only 19 years old, and still going to college. You love your fiance’ of course, but you will likely still love him when you’ve graduated from college and established yourself in your chosen career. So I would ask you, What’s the rush to get married at 19?
Getting married for the wrong reasons and getting married too young will absolutely affect your lives and any children that may bless the union at some point.
Loving someone as much as you love your man is not a good reason to get married. If you were my daughter Sara, I would ask to give careful and deep consideration to your personal reasons for wanting to get married.
Ask yourself, Why do I want to get married? Why? What are my expectations of being married? What does it mean to be a good wife and a good or a good husband? What role models have I had in being a good wife, in order to know how to be a good wife and mother to our future children?
Living together is not the same thing as being married, despite the assertions of many people in today’s society. Many people advocate living together before married, but research and statistics have shown that those who live together before marriage (especially those who are still very young) increases the likelihood of divorce.
My advice to you Sara would be to wait on getting married. If you love your fiance’ and your fiance’ loves you, there should be no valid reason why the two of you can’t wait for a few more years to finish college and establish yourself (and him establish himself) in your careers. If you love each other now as much as you feel you do, you will both love each other in a few years too.
One thing that struck me when I read your message was that I got the feeling that somewhere deep down inside of you, there may possibly be a sense of insecurity and fear of losing your man if you don’t get married right now. The way you had to grow up without your parents could easily create insecurity about losing someone you love, but that’s a terrible reason to get married.
Finish college, get your career and finances established well, start saving your money, don’t build up a bunch of debt (or pay off any debt you may have due to college loans or whatever) and really put yourself in a position mentally/emotionally and financially of being able to do everything and anything for yourself without the help of any man or anyone else. Fully develop your maturity in all the areas that I commonly refer to as “how to be an adult”, and then and only then would I agree that a couple are truly “ready” to get married. Good luck with your decision hon. I wish you both well.
I am a 24yr old medical student, and I have just transferred to a medical school in the US. I have been living out of the country, and I met the guy that I am going to marry. He is 26. We have known each other for a little over three months. He is still living in another country, but we are talking about getting married when he comes here to visit me at the end of August. He is moving to the US in December, but we wont be able to be together until he starts his clinicals in May/June. We havent told either of our parents yet, and we arent sure if we are going to until we decide to have a real wedding. What do you think? I know it is right between us, but I dont want to hurt my family by not telling them. But I dont think they would approve of us getting married this soon.
Leigh,
If your parents are anything like most other parents, they would not be happy at all about hearing that you’re planning to get married this soon. You’ve only been dating for three months. That is waaaay too soon to start talking about getting married. If you are sure that he is right for you and you are right for him, it will still be right in a year from now. What is the rush to get married?
Leigh, lots of women come to this very article with the search words “I got married but didn’t tell my parents and now they’re mad” and “how do I tell my parents I’m married already”. Please do not get married this soon and please don’t do it without FIRST talking to your parents about it. Give your parents time to get to know your man, and give your man time to get to know your parents. If you are planning to just go to a J.P or even elope, don’t do it right now. It’s far too soon to be talking about marriage after just being together for three months. If you get married right away anyway, when the time comes that your parents do find out, it will be very uncomfortable for everyone involved and you don’t want to start your married life off with hurt feelings amongst the family.
Remember, if you know for sure it is right between you two, it will still be right in a year from now when you, your man and your family have had time to get to know each other. It’s THAT important.
Hello!
I am 19 and engaged. I have been engaged for over a year but my parents don’t know it because when my finace and I tried to tell them, they didn’t take it the right way and they thought it was only a “promise ring”. We didn’t try telling them anymore because we knew they would get very mad. My parents are very very very strict (I am not kidding). They expect me to be home by 9pm. They want to know where I am going and with whom. They don’t let me be laying down with my fiance in the living room’s sofa because they say it is not right. They are very traditional too. I have wanted to go camping with my finace’s family but my parents do not let me because they don’t want me sleeping close to him. They say that it is not right for a boyfriend to be sleeping in the same house as the girlfriend. I have always been scared of my parents reaction towards knowing we are engaged. Now my finace and I are planning a wedding for next year in june and we don’t know how to tell my parents. I know they will tell me I am crazy, and that I don’t know what I am doing. They might even tell me that they never want to see me again. I know that my parents do what they do to protect me. They just want the best for me but when I try to tell them that I am not a little girl anymore, they don’t understand me. They don’t even let me finish my thoughts. I am the type of person who can’t stand confrontation and so when I try to talk with them about something that serious, they get very angry and I lose my words.
I really love my finace. He is very understanding, and he is there for me whenever I need him. We feel like we are both ready to marry. Once we do marry, we will move to where his family lives (like 2 hrs away from mine) and we will both continue our education and keep working, as we do now. His family already knows and they are thrilled. I wish my parents would take it the same way.
How do I let my parents know about our engagement and that we are already planning our wedding? They are very important in my life and I would hate it if they weren’t there for me in that special day.
I always do what my parents want just to keep them happy, but I am tired of doing what they want, and I want to do what I want. I want to live my life my own way without them telling me what is right and what is wrong. I have never done anything they wouldn’t approve. I am tired of being “Miss Perfect”.
I am ready to share my life with the person I love. I don’t want to meet anybody else because I know he is the one for me. I understand that it won’t be easy at first since I am 19 and he is almost 22 (we’re both young). But I trust our love will keep us strong.
But I really need advice over telling my parents our decision.
P.S. What should I do if they don’t kick me out of the house right away but are very mad over our decision? I mean, I will be scared to even go out of my room to see them after I tell them. How will my finace be able to visit me knowing my parents will probably hate him? Would it be best to move out after telling them even if we don’t get married until next year in June?
I really need advice.Thank You
Hi Mari,
From what you’re saying here, your parents sound like traditional Christian parents with Christian values they are raising their kids with. Nothing wrong with that at all, although kids sometimes feel their parents are being too strict with various rules and expectations.
I’ve explained in the article and within the comments what I feel is the best way to tell your parents you are getting married, so you can review my comments to others on that.
Mari, you’re kinda playing the “What IF” game about telling your parents. What IF my parents become very angry when telling them of the engagement and wedding plans?
You can’t control how your parents are going to react when you tell them of your engagement. I’m sure you know that. From the things you’re saying about being too scared to come out of your room once you’ve told your parent, and worries about how your fiance’ will be able to visit you, or if your parents will hate your fiance etc…., tells me you aren’t ready for marriage.
If you are, as you say, truly convinced that your love will keep you strong in marriage…then telling your parents shouldn’t be that difficult. Then again, young people that say things like “our love will keep us strong” are usually kids who have no idea whatsoever what they’re getting themselves into deciding to get married so young.
Do you respect your parents beliefs, values and opinions? If you do, if you REALLY do, then be sure you listen very carefully to their reaction and response when you’ve told them of your engagement. Don’t jump to the conclusion that your parents will automatically be angry or start yelling or whatever. Listen carefully to what they have to say, and answer ALL questions or concerns they may have.
Re-read this article and the comments from others and my responses to them, and then invite your parents to lunch or dinner at a restaurant (public places are often the best place to tell parents) and simply tell them you’re getting married and would like their blessing. Then answer any and all questions they may have. If you really are ready to get married (which I personally don’t think you are), then doing this really shouldn’t be that difficult. Good luck!
hi
im currently a senoir in high school and im 18 my fiance is also 18 and we are engaged. we would like to get married as soon as i gradute. weve been together since my sophmore year he is in the army and is currently in ait in virgina, im in washingtomn, he doesnt know where he is going to get stationed and we would like to live together, but that means leaing everything iv ever known. i dont know how to tell myparents that we want to get married. my father was in the army for 20 years and my parents got married at 18 and 20. theyve always said that they dont want me to follow in thier footsteps. but i dont know how to tell them that i am. iv always been the child who does what shes told and im suppose to be the first in my family to go to university. Getting married would behard for this to happen. id really like any advice you can give me. also his family is very christian and i am agnostic he has accpeted this but were not sure how his family will or how to tell them about the engagment. any advice would be very welcomed, thank you
Hi Jennifer,
Reading your message immediately told me a couple of things. Your boyfriend is in the Army and right now is in Virginia, while you are in WA. You miss him terribly and he misses you, and thinking about getting married so you can be together rather than feeling sad and lonely without each other.
The uncertainty of not knowing where your boyfriend will be stationed, how far away he may possibly be sent etc, creates a sense of urgency about getting married as soon as possible such as right after finishing high school. You mentioned also that going to college/university would be hard if you got married, for obvious reasons.
Why don’t your parents want you to follow in their footsteps by getting married so young? What things about getting and being married at this age, Army included, do your parents know and don’t want their own children to experience because of the hardships, difficulties and problems that you don’t know, yet? Why is it important to your parents in particular that you get your full education, college/university degree, rather than getting married at your age?
Why the rush to get married Jennifer? Because the emotions you’re both feeling about missing each other, not being able to see each other constantly, feeling of loneliness etc are having a major effect on your decision making. His too.
Do you remember some of the wrong reasons to get married I included in this article? Loneliness is one of the worst reasons to get married, and it sounds as though you’re willing to ignore the advice of your parents who’ve been there done that and plan to get married regardless of how your parents or his parents feel about it. That says Rebellion, which is another of the worst reasons to get married. “They’ve always said that they don’t want me to follow in their footsteps, but I don’t know how to tell them that I am.”
The difference in religious beliefs with your boyfriends family may very likely cause HUGE problems for your marriage.
Jennifer, the decision about getting married or not getting married anytime soon isn’t about you being the child who does what she’s told, or being the good little girl in the family. Deciding to get married so young, without getting your full and complete education, without the approval/blessing/support of parents on either side, will make marriage very very difficult. Being married is very hard many times. There are very good reasons why at least 50% of marriages end in divorce.
Take the emotion and feelings you have about your boyfriend and wanting to be with him out of the equation and think very logically and seriously about your future. Ask yourself some very difficult questions and be honest with yourself about your answers. Why do you want to get married? Why? Why now? Why not after college? Why so young rather than when you’ve finished college and established yourself as an independent, successful woman in her own career choice? Why are you willing to throw away your chances of going to college and having some employable skills that provide for you, just so you can be with your boyfriend? “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I doubt very much that the first thing that pops into your mind about who and what you want to be when you grow up is “married”.
Do yourself a favor and ask your parents about what life was like for them when they got married at 18 and 20, why it was so hard and why they want more for their own kids. Telling your parents that you want to get married is the easy part Jennifer. The hard part is making sure you yourself and your boyfriend are being honest with yourselves about whether you should or shouldn’t get married anytime soon, and your “reasons” for getting married. Don’t become another divorce statistic.
What if you know that you love him? You guys are being so harsh on young love. I mean there are a myraid of differnet loves and what if you give this up and never find anything else like it. I know that I could never find a man as caring, respectful and in love with me as I have now. We arent rushing in, we arent getting married for another year… But I know that I love him and Im not settling and that this is the best for me.
Engaged,
There is nothing wrong with young love. The problem comes in when young men and women get married too young, for the wrong reasons and before they are really ready for marriage. Marriage is HARD work, and far too many people get married with crazy ideas of what marriage is like. If you had any idea of the amount of men and women who got married but now REGRET getting married and arrive on my article about “marriage regret” – you would be shocked. If your guy is as wonderful, caring, respectful and in love with you as much as you feel he is…, he will feel that way about you in a couple/few more years when you both are a tad older, more mature and have established yourselves better with college and career choices etc. If I had a penny for the number of times I’ve heard from men and women alike that tell me exactly the same thing you are saying here, but are now wanting/getting divorced, I would be a very rich woman.
I am still young – 22 – and have been with my fiance for 7 years now. The first 5 years of our relationship was long distance and it wasn’t until our 2nd year that we were able to get our parents to allow us to meet.From years 2-5 we would commute 1000 miles to see each other every 6 months. for at least 2 weeks.
I recently made the move (our 5th year together) from my home state to his and have been COMPLETELY independent for 2 years (it’s not easy). We became engaged on Christmas 2008 and love each other more than ever. We work so well together, I can’t even believe it (financially, making decisions.. etc) We don’t live together, yet, but are making arrangements for that. Until then, he spends every friday-monday with me and any other days in between if he is off of work.
He is graduating college for a 2nd time this spring and working full time. I am attending college and also working full time. We both make a lot, have a steady income, and are financially stable.
We feel we are ready to get married and want to, this fall. We both get along VERY well with each others parents. We know his parents approve as we’ve spoken to them but I am TERRIFIED to tell mine. They were divorced when I was young and I don’t know how that has changed their views. They are also traditional in that they will want me to have a HUGE wedding with all of the family there but I really don’t want that at all and I’m afraid they will take that negatively.. Well, if not my mom (she’s more open to new things), DEFINITELY my dad.
Advice?
P.S. We want to keep the wedding small and limited to immediate family only because we don’t want to spend thousands on it. We’d much rather put that money towards a house.
Future Mrs,
It sounds as though you and your fiance’ have been working hard to become more mature/grown up and responsible for yourselves, financially and otherwise. Good for you! Keep it up!
Good for you both in wanting to plan your wedding so that it’s not ridiculously expensive but still a wonderful, memorable day for you and all attendees. The wedding day is just one day in your life, and how great it is to start a new life as married couples being smart about money and wanting to put monies towards a house. Good for you!
Don’t ever feel pressured into having the kind of wedding/reception others may want or envision for you. If you just want a small wedding with close friends and family around you, then that is what you should have.
There are still a lot of the “traditional” parts of weddings that you can include in your small wedding that will make your dad happy and proud. Small weddings don’t have to be boring, so perhaps you could still plan to have the traditional father/daughter dance, your dad walks you down the aisle and “gives you away” and various other traditions.
Decide: Where do you want to get married? A church? An outside garden/park? A wedding chapel?…..
Do you want to wear the traditional bridal dress, plus bridesmaids/groomsmen etc?
Think to yourself how you two want YOUR day to be. The what, where, when, how, etc etc.
FIRST explain to your parents some of the traditional/romantic aspects of weddings that you want for your wedding and reception (such as those I just mentioned), and allow those visuals to run through their minds and begin to feel some of the excitement, you can then explain that you and your fiance’ want the fun/romance/excitement etc but on a smaller scale.
Think of some of the things you feel your dad would want you to have for your wedding. Most dads want their daughters wedding day to beautiful and special etc etc. Dads want many of the traditional things too for their daughters – walk them down the aisle etc as is customary. So let him/them have some of the things they’ve dreamed of for you, their daughter, on your wedding day.
Your wedding day is your day, but it’s also a day parents dream of too, so include some things that both sets of parents can be excited about. Even if it’s something that seems so small or “trivial”. Give a little their way, and they’ll be much more likely to be excited and happy about you having the majority of it your way. Compromise where you can, but be firm and respectful about the non negotiable items. Good luck!
Ok so im 17 and pregnant….just to start off.
I have been with my boyfriend for over two years.I love him more then anything in this world i would give up my own life for him.
He means everything to me.We Want to Get Married soon.He is 20 years old.His parents Agree With getting married they have talked about it in the past.they are a very strong christian family.However im worried about telling my parents becasue there reaction ?
I dont think they will agree with it at all and think im to young.
As they constantly tell me i dont know what love is.Any Advice ?
Lin,
I completely agree with you. Making sure you’re financially secure is a big deal, and if that doesn’t happen, it’s going to be a rocky relationship. I’m in an almost similar but not quite situation. My boyfriend is just waiting until he can save up enough money until he can get me a proper ring, but we are waiting until we’re both a year out of college (I’m 17 now he’s 19) and stable to get married and start our family. I’m nervous for telling my parents, but with this plan I think everything will be okay.
Ally
Hi Allison,
Waiting until both of you have finished college and are more financially set will have A LOT to do with how your parents react to an engagement. Parents want the absolute best for the kids, and when guys and girls decide to get married TOO young and without any/much college education to secure their futures, parents worry. Panic is a better word.
It’s not that parents don’t want their sons or daughters to be happy, meet someone wonderful and make plans to get married. Too many young men and women get married for the wrong reasons and have no real concept of how hard being married is. All the “puppy love” butterflies in the stomach and gooiness stuff is kid stuff. For a lasting marriage, guys and girls have to understand that if it’s right now….it’ll be right later. After fully getting your education, job/career choice and financial smarts. Good luck!
Hello,
I’m 18 and a senior in highschool, my fiancé is 18 and a junior in high school, both of us are working part time, we will star full time this summer. We plan on getting married after he graduates, before he goes to college. Since I just want to be a homemaker I won’t be going to college, and will just keep working till we decide to have kids (once he’s gotten a good job after graduating college) Our parents don’t know yet, we are just a little afraid of their reaction since we are still in high school, but we are going to tell them once I am done representing my town as royalty. We have only ever dated eachother, which I think is amazing, why would I want to give a piece of my heart to many guys if I can just give it all to the one? We will be finacially stable when we get married, so I don’t see any problems with us getting married at this age?
What do you all think?
Hi,
Being a parent myself, I could understand if your parents weren’t very happy with the news, at least right now. Being a wife, mother, homemaker etc is a great thing, don’t get me wrong.
Not going to college is a bad idea, even if it’s a 2 yr community college, taking some kind of courses to teach you a skill set with a degree at the end. Dental school to become a Hygienist or dental assistant, medical assistant etc. Something that will provide you the education, skills and degree to allow you to enter the job market at any time found necessary to provide for yourself, your husband and kids, if the need were to arise.
Stuff happens every day. Husbands lose their jobs with layoffs etc. People get into horrible car accidents or become disabled for various reasons. Being financially secure when your husband graduates is great, but. What happens if something earth shattering happens and he’s unable to work? What skill set, experience, college education/degree etc will you have to step in and provide for (or HELP provide for) your family if/when the need arises? What if, God forbid, your husband were killed in a horrific car accident? You and your children would struggle because you didn’t go to college and get your degree in something………that will ensure you all are well taken care of. Think about it.
I’m not suggesting you being a working wife/mom etc, if your situation allows it. If it does, great! But think about the women out there in society who are now having to enter the workplace with no college education whatsoever. What kinds of jobs are they able to get without a degree of some kind? Minimum wage. That’s a hard hard life to live, especially when there is not just you, but your husband and kids.
I highly recommend that you at least go to a community college and get a degree in something. Something that will sustain and provide for you, your husband and children if there was ever a need. You just never know.
I disagree,
First it is very possible to get a job without a college degree and make more than minimum wage.
Second if something did happen to my husband that is what an emergency fund is for, and if worse came to worse I have family that would help me.
And lastly it would be very possible for me to support a family off of minimum wage if I had to, especially if it was only temorary. I know how to manage my money, I could pay bills, and my kids wouldn’t starve.
I would rather not go to college for something I would never use.
I apprciate your opinion though.
Hello my name is Tia and I want to help my friends not to get married young but I don’t know what to say because one of them is pregnant, the other one is in love and she want to marry him! BUt they all too young for marriage they under 18 and what should I tell them????? Help???they need to go to school??
I am 16 now, and so is my boyfriend. We have been together for 6 months.. And I know it dosen’t sound like a long amount of time (because it really isn’t), but we have known we are a match made by God for a bout 4 months now. We are both Christians, and choosing to marry as virgins, as we believe living any other way before marriage is not proper. We do not want to live common-law. We want to get married as soon as we can after high school. We do not want to wait longer than we have to. We both plan on getting an education, and after we have carrers established, having children. We want to do this in a mature, quiet manner (as are our personalities). I live in Canada, and in Canada we have an organization called Cadets, which includes three elements : Air, Sea, and Army. Both myself and my boyfriend Tyrone are very involved in this organization. Through Air Cadets we both have met military personell, and we have met officers who now recognize us as a couple. He has spoken to officers he has not me before about his “friend” (as Cadets is a military organization that does not welcome displays of affection), and they have quickly realized that this person means more to him than a friend. They tell him that they know that he is talking about a girlfriend, and that they know that we are going to go far in life. It is evident to at least 10 educated people that we know that we are serious and are very liable to last for a long time. To people who meet us for the first time, it is evident that there is something substantial there. Our parents do not know of our plans, and I am afraid to tell them when the time comes. I believe that they know in their hearts that we are planning to do this, especially my parents who tell me all the time about how young marriage is such a bad thing. They have only started talking about it since I met Tyrone and they mention it every day. How do I tell them that we do not want to live together without marriage vows, but do not want to wait? They like him alot, but how do we get our parents to accept this decision?
Diana, convincing both sets of parents that you two are old enough, mature enough and well established etc to get married right after high school will likely be a very hard sell. I’ve already outlined in this post how to go about talking with parents about plans to get married, especially when the couple is afraid to do so for various reasons, so there’s no point in my rehashing what I’ve already said here. There are no easy answers on how to tell parents of your plans to get married this young, and each set of parents may react in different ways depending on their viewpoint. Doing “this in a mature” manner is of course very smart, but the more mature way is to finish your education first, get established in your career choice, get married and then decide on having children. Far too many couples have had the firm belief that after they got married young, that they would pursue their college education afterwards, have found themselves unable to go to college after all and struggle to make ends meet. Many have also been surprised to find themselves pregnant when they had no plans of getting pregnant so soon after marrying, and the responsibilities of parenting an innocent life takes priority over college and college must be put on the backburner – often not ever achieved later on. If you and your boyfriend are “a match made by God” as you believe, that will become clearly evident to everyone as time goes by, after college graduation etc. Not wanting to wait any longer than you have to is a personal mindset, not something mandated by anyone else, especially God.
i have a question to everyone I am 29 and my guy is 27 and we are detting married soon and we haven’t told our parents yet we known eachother for 8 yeat but we started dating 2month ago what do you guy think
Bad idea. Knowing someone for 8 years but only dating him for two months and jumping into marriage is crazy. No wonder parents haven’t been told; they’ll react accordingly.
then what should i do
please tel me what to do
what does any body think
Hi
I know this all seemed to end a few years ago but would just like to add my own little comment here.
I am 17 years old, 18 this month, my fiancé proposed to me on new years eve. We have been promised to each other for two years; since he was 18 and I was 15. I moved in with him in his mothers house when my mum made a long distance move this year and I decided not to move with her. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old and this affected me a lot. I matured very quickly after this, supporting my mother through a few relationships and moving all over the country with her.
My mother was always the more strict of my parents but since she has settled down with her boyfriend she seems more supportive of my decisions and knows that I am the sort of person that looks at things from all angles before making a choice. The first thing I did was phone her to tell her the news and she did ask me some questions like ‘are you sure you’re ready?’ and ‘is this what you want?’. I answered her truthfully yes and explained that I and my fiancé have discussed things and know that we intend to wait until I have fully finished my education and we are both settled in our careers and have found a home of our own. She fully supports both of us however, my father and brother are the harder ones to tell.
Both my dad and my brother seem to have a dislike for my fiancé and this is because they didn’t choose him for me. They have both tried to get me to find other people and set me up with others but none of them match up to my fiancé. I knew that if I told them the way I told my mum they would freak out, start shouting at me and even come and get me from my home to take me away from him. This lead me to the decision to write them both a letter, explaining to them that I understand that as I am the youngest of the family they want to keep me that way and feel that by me moving out, let alone getting engaged they feel they are loosing their grip on me. I have also explained that I know they won’t like hearing about it in this way however it is the only way I know I can get everything across to them without being interrupted and it is the only way I know I will have told them everything I want to.
I am a very emotional person when it comes to my family and as much as I know it will hurt them to know that I feel I have to write to them when they live close enough to them to visit them, it also hurts me to feel this way. I know that if I phoned them to tell them I would end up crying and then I just wouldn’t be able to say anymore and we would probably all end up in a humongous argument.
I just thought I’d put that out to people and see what they think of my idea.
I’d also like to point out that I know many people think I am too young for such a commitment and I understand why, but at the end of the day age is just a number, I have lived in many different areas, experienced many different styles of life. One of the main things I supported my mother through was an emotionally/mentally abusive man, which really made me appreciate that I have found someone so caring and kind that he always thinks of me before anything else, just as I do for him.
It was a hard decision to make to write letters, however having looked at all my options (dinner, phonecall, visiting etc) I knew it was the best way for me personally to get it to them. I know it may not be the best option for others and I know some people may frown upon me for doing so but you only know what I have told you and may not fully understand my situation.
Thanks.
Hi Sally,
It’s ultimately is your personal decision to determine How to tell your parents about your engagement and plans to get married, eventually. You know your parents better than anyone, how they would react to the news, etc. My suggestions of telling them over dinner in a public place etc are simply suggestions, not a rule. Oftentimes, young people are concerned about one or both of their parents blowing up and yelling and creating a scene, so the idea of announcing the engagement news in a public restaurant etc is one way among several methods of informing parents with the hope that being in such a public place will help to keep tempers and voices down low and amicable, even if they disagree with the idea.
The idea of writing a letter, or letters, wouldn’t be my first recommendation, but it’s understandable that you’d want to tell your father uninterrupted and without his having a conniption fit. That being said, I wouldn’t be surprised if your father still has a fit over hearing the news through a letter vs you calling him to tell him or meeting him face to face. Either way, you already expect that your father won’t be happy and thrilled about your plans to get married so young, whether he likes your fiance’ or not. Regardless of how you tell your father, you’ll still have to deal with him face to face eventually, and if this is what you truly want and you honestly believe you’re ready for what marriage is and isn’t, then you’ll just have to explain your thoughts and beliefs to your father and hope that he’ll come around and accept things as they are. Perhaps in time he’ll surprise you and be as supportive of your decision as you’d like. Good luck!
Hi, I got engaged a couple of months ago and my fiance and I are planning on tell our parents today. We are both 18 and have had plenty of time to think through why we want to get married and where or not we are sure. I am the oldest child and i think this is one of the main reasons why I’m afraid of telling our parents, the other is his parents, they tend to yell a lot and get angry over nothing, I hope that both our parents will be happy for us, as we want our wedding to be this summer. You seem to think that there are no young people that can have a good marriage, well your wrong to be honest, i’ve seen it happen lots. Anyways were planning on telling his parents first (I’m probably going to his house for supper) and then tell my parents because I’m not sure when my Dad will be home tonight. We just want them to be happy for us. And they should be marriage is an amazing thing. I can tell you right now that we aren’t getting married for the wrong reasons, so you can save your ‘young married couples regret getting married’ bs. Getting married too young?? people used to get married at 14, and if they knew how to deal with problems and whatnot they got along fine. just thought I’d let the young girls/guys out there that are reading this know that not everyone is the same, and not everyone gets married for the wrong reasons. No wonder there is such a high divorce rate, no one ever gives anybody a chance, as soon as something small goes wrong they leave instead of working out there problems, lady you don’t know what your talking about
Told our parents and they were both happy for us, of course they want us to continue our education but other than that it went well.
just thought id let you know 
Katherine, in no way do I believe that young marriages can’t possibly work for the long haul. I certainly DO know of many cases where that has happened, my own parents being one of them. However, they are the exception to the rule. Congratulations on your engagement and I’m glad to know that telling both sets of parents went well for you both.
Hi,
I’ve been dating a Scottish guy for the past 2 years and have known him for 3 years. I am Australian and met him whilst travelling the UK. I was living and working over there for 2 and a half years. I then had to leave due to visa issues. He was lucky enough however to come out here over Christmas but we have now hit a point in a relationship where its all or nothing.
We are both 21, I’m turning 22. I love him so much. He has proposed that we get married so then I can go back to the UK and work and live with him, its something I have always wanted to do.
His parents are completely cool with it and very excited. However my parents on the other hand I haven’t even told. I am an only child, and live with my mother. My dad lives interstate. While they are both supportive and caring, I really have no idea how to tell them. I don’t think they will be pleased with me going away again and not having a return date. My mother is quiet controlling and my dad has financial pulls on me. I am working full time and am about to finish a course, so I am on my way to a career.
Lin, I really need your advice on how to tell me parents.
I am 18, almost 19, and recently engaged. My fiancé is 19, but will be twenty in two months. We are both working, him full time, and me part time while I take online classes until I can move to my college campus this fall. We are getting married this summer. I am not surprised that so many people seem to have the “why rush” attitude toward marriage. I believe that it is simply the world that we live in. However, my fiancé and I are far from rushing it. We have been dating for almost four years. He was my first boyfriend, and will be the last man I am ever with. He is my best friend, and I cannot imagine my life without him by my side. Neither of us see the point in waiting any longer. Our families have assumed for several years now that we would get married someday. We realize that it will be hard, and that money will be tight for a while, especially since I am becoming a doctor, but we are willing to work through anything that life throws at us since that is exactly what we have been doing for the last four years. I believe that as long as both people are committed to the relationship, are mature, and have jobs that pay enough to support two people, there is no reason why young people should not get married. You should talk with your fiancé before the wedding though about their views on divorce. My fiancé and I are both completely opposed to it, and have agreed that it is not even an option. “Until death do us part” is not just part of the vows for us, it is part of the foundation of our marriage.
Hi,
I know this has been a while, now, but I need to post a question, because this has been driving me crazy.
I’m recently 20 and my boyfriend’s almost 19. We’ve been together three years (since the beginning of my senior year of high school, we’re both young for our grades), but were close friends several years before that. We realized how much we cared for each other after a summer of talking a lot, and so we started dating, getting to know each other, setting clear boundaries, and making a conscious effort to learn how to communicate effectively, how to disagree cordially, etc. He’s the only person in my life who I have ever learned to allow myself to disagree with — I’m naturally very unassertive — and he’s taught me to assert my opinion so that we can have a genuine discussion. And he’s silly and fun and sweet and kind and gentle and smart and altogether awesome. We get along well and he truly is my best friend. So, the subject of marriage came up fairly early on because we both believe in saving sex for marriage and wanted to discuss boundaries, but we were open about our ideas of marriage too, including how we see a household being run, what values we hold important, the way we want to handle finances and stuff. We obviously haven’t figured everything out but we know that a marriage will take work, and we’re willing to do that work together even when one or the other of us is down and out.
Additionally, we have both had to consider our commitment due to the fact that last year, (my freshman year of college and his senior year of high school) my mom wanted us to separate and me to date more people. While I did date one or two guys, my heart wasn’t in it. Over that year, we did stay in touch a bit, and since reuniting this year we are even more sure of the fact that commitment, in its ultimate sense, is deeply freeing. (fyi, we were planning to go to the same college before we ever started dating; he’s studying engineering and me math & we both go to a denominational Christian university)
We’ve talked to adults about our ideas and most are supportive with the fact that we’re committed young. Most notably my boss/pastor/mentor has always been especially supportive, as has my high school physics teacher, who we were both personally close to. (let’s just say the denominational system is pretty tight knit). Actually I think all of the teachers we had in high school, when they see us together, are super glad that we’re still together and think we’re perfect for each other.
Even my boyfriend’s parents adore me. They’re the sweetest people and are always welcoming, and I really could start calling his mom “Mom” right now and she’d be elated.
So what is the problem you ask? Well the fact that I visited this website should say enough– I am having a hard time communicating this with my parents. Whatever I say, I am immediately dismissed as being too young to make any decisions for myself. (and it’s not limited to this decision: I can hardly decide whether to come home or not, or, if I am home, I am frequently required to go with them on shopping trips against my will, and I STILL have to ask their permission to leave the house at any time.) To make matters worse, my mom dislikes my boyfriend for the sole fact that I’m reasonably serious about him. She has said this, almost word for word. She has made it clear that she likes who he is, she just doesn’t like that I’m dating him seriously. If I mention one of my friends from my same class getting married, she makes it clear how stupid she thinks they are. She believes vehemently in the idea that one should NEVER marry until one is out of college, and so because of this my boyfriend is terrified to ask them their blessing, whenever he does that.
We’ve been thinking it through and, for us, we feel like the best time to marry is about a year before we’re out of college. We’ll both take 5+ years, and by the time we’re both out of college, we’ll have been dating 7 years, which is beyond an adequate time to date someone before marrying (honestly, 3 years ought to be adequate, but we’re even planning to make it a total of 5, so 2 more years from now). Marrying would actually gain us money, since I get absolutely nothing from FAFSA due to my parents making a LOT, and we would no longer have to purchase cafeteria food ($7 per meal, required plans, where you can’t take anything out of the caf, suuuck when you eat as little as I do). Additionally, and I know attraction is a poor reason to marry, despite holding ourselves to careful and cautious boundaries we are both ragingly attracted to each other. This wasn’t at all a part of our original reasoning; my attraction towards him has gradually developed and to be honest when I first started dating him I wasn’t particularly attracted to him at all. Anyway, we believe in saving all things sexual til marriage and yet are ridiculously attracted to each other and feel like we’d be unduly tempting ourselves by stretching out our dating and engagement when we already KNOW that we love each other, we’re committed to each other, and we plan on marrying.
Anyway, for me my biggest issue is finding a way to communicate this to my mom maturely because no matter what I talk about, or how calmly I bring it up, she cannot hold a conversation without yelling or crying, and there is no logicalness or coherence to what she says. I don’t know any reason why I covet her approval save for the fact she has the power to tell me no, and I’m sick and tired of bending to her every whim in every facet of life. I don’t know how to tell her that I’m doing something that she disagrees with because instead of being rational about it she will burst into tears and conclude I do not love her, when that is far from the truth. There have been times where she has said that if I understood her, I would automatically agree with her, and that if I loved her I’d do what she said. I feel extremely manipulated and do not know how to do anything except what she wants me to, and yet I am unwilling to break up with my boyfriend (because that’s how far she’d want me to go). (also this is the reason my boyfriend had to teach me to be assertive). Anyway I’m sorry for the long post i am just utterly lost and confused and frustrated. It’d be nice if you could give me some pointers…
Dear MM,
Many people will give you advise but mentally you’ll be more prone to taking in what you seem more healthy for your self, so I will not be supportive nor will I be against you in anything I say.
For starters, YES in the society we live in these days, getting married or just the though of it is outrageous to many/most people. Everyone can list you BILLION things on what and why will be the consequences. They are not wrong at all, but at the same time everyone on this page must accept that they are not all right either.
Problems in terms of commitment (i could have done better), sex life (so boring), arguments (im always right), misunderstandings (you said you were at your friends place), finance (we have to move out, didnt pay the rent last month either) all exist and CAN arise in the future. This is where the terms, compromise and trust and planning take their meaning.
If after all the glamour and fancy lights you look in to the scary and empty hollows of marriage and still would like to go for it, congratulations. You are one of 2 things, immature/mislead OR loyally in love.
Being scared just means your human, but take my advice for it.. its nothing big, in a week everything washes away. You’ll know what i mean soon
just stay calm and composed. everything tends to fall into place no matter how horrid the situation might seem.
Now if after reading through all the comments and stories above (particularly the negative ones) you still seem that your partner seems suffice? Well then I would like to share something with you.
My father has told me a lot of things but this one thing in particular actually stuck in my head.
“son, if you think what your doing is absolutely positively 100% correct? then you cant go TOO wrong
” (yes he smiled in the end)
here are some tips:
One should respect the other and vice versa. Show kindness to one another as you do now, DO NOT TAKE FOR GRANTED your partner at any moment in time. One of the biggest problems is:
before marriage.. Hi baby, did you eat anything? Ive been waiting for you, lets have dinner im starved
after marriage.. What took you so long? where were you? the foods in he freezer, Im exhausted and off to bed.
AVOID Initiating A MENTAL FRACTURE IN EACH OTHERS MINDS THAT “they’ve changed”
If your going to make it a commitment, take it to the death.
DONT BE SHAKY!!! nothing will hurt him more than to find out that after discussions with your mom, your “RETHINKING” things. Put your self in his shoes. This will only force him to keep a grudge or even worse, loath your mother.
Stay composed, react with no reaction. Comfort your mother, let her know you respect and cherish her and also try to inbed in her mind that you really want this and that your really happy
. Dont demand or impose that “I WILL” marry him, instead propose that Id like to marry him and that I know he can keep me happy. MOMS are MOMS shes bound to melt. Your happiness is greater than any thing to her, trust me.
Try to talk abt the good things, avoid the bad. What happened, happened. You cant change the past, but you can always mould the greatest future together.
create a “prince” type image in your mothers mind, it wont help if you say a billion good things about him. Your mother may have a friend or sister or bro etc. try to relate to them and share the matter. If some one hears that all pigs can fly for a while, they end up starting to believe it.
Lastly, your getting married a guy who had the decency to respect you and your body. Its very hard to find that in somebody these days. And a point to ponder. Your getting married, not committing a murder. LOVE IS NOT A CRIME..
In the end Id like to share with you that I speak from experience. I got married finally after 5 years 3 months ago to a girl who was made for me. My dreams, my love, my goal. I had your problem, her family loved me, mine didnt. But look? after the storm there was eternal sunshine. Good luck to you and your partner, there is nothing like prevailing love in this world.. that kind of proves if it was ever love or not.. TC
I’m sorry for the lenght of this post, but I really need some outside advice on my situation! My boyfriend and I met when I was 15, he was 16. I had lived with my mom, but after meeting him moved 3 hours away to my dad’s house to be with my boyfriend, Garrett. He instantly became my best friend and the person I wanted to tell everything to, but because of family issues (my dad didn’t like the idea of me having a serious boyfriend at that young age) I moved back to my mom’s house. We agreed that we would try our hardest to make things work, but after a few miserable weeks and talking to both my mother and his, we decided that if it was meant to be, then it would work out at a later time. We didn’t want to spend our high school years miserable because we weren’t together.
We both dated other people during that time, and ALWAYS kept in touch. If a guy ever broke up with me or did something to hurt my feelings I seemed to dial his number every time. He knew how to cheer me up. We knew we still loved each other, but I think we tried to put it out of our minds and move on.
Well let’s just say after 2 years, we decided enough was enough. But that was right after he made a big life decision. He joined the Navy. We see each other once every couple of months, and although it’s very hard, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can’t bare the thought of losing him for a second time due to distance.
Sorry for the long explanation, now I’ll get to the question!
I’m now 18 years old, and he just turned 19. Getting married to him would give us an opportunity to get an off base apartment and also get payed extra because he’ll have a dependent. There are a lot of benefits that come with being a military spouse. BUT that isn’t why I want to get married. When we start receiving his extra pay, we plan to save all of it and use it for whatever life throws our way.
I feel like waiting is putting off the inevitable. What do you honestly think about this whole situation?
Hi,
I found this post interesting, it seems that no older people (if they have mentioned their age) are supportive.
My boyfriend (although I should say finance) proposed to me on the weekend. He wanted to ask my father first but changed his mind. I am 21 and at university, I still have another year left and have an idea and plan as to where I am going when I finish.
My partner is 26 and is a commissioned officer in the navy, and his job is guaranteed. We are currently living together as well as having a house mate in order to take the pressure off us and also to provide company for me when he is away working. We have lived separately too and I have spent 2 years sharing with friends before now.
We are also looking to buy a house together and have saved for a mortgage and it is just a case of finding the right house and moving over the summer when I have no university commitments. I am also working part time while at university.
We have been together for 3 years now, and we have told his parents and those we want to be in our wedding party but we haven’t told my parents yet. My mother will be excited but I dont think my father will, I am his only girl and very much a “daddy’s girl”. His reaction was quite bad when he first met my boyfriend and took him months to get over and only when my family turned against him and told him to get over it. However now they get on really well. They have a lot in common and can talk for hours. My father has even gone so far as to explain why he is so protective over me to my boyfriend. However, because of his earlier reaction and because he was so young when he had me, we are afraid of his reaction when we tell him on the weekend. I really don’t know how to approach this and I am quite nervous. I want him to be happy with me and to help me plan and to have an input but I am just not sure this is going to be the case.
I am however really happy, and we are taking our time with the preparations and will not be planning anything until I am at least out of uni a year.
I was wondering…my boyfriend recently turned 18 and we want to get married now. were both 18 n want to be with each other. but my parents dnt want me to be with him. they think he’s not good for me but i think he is. i dnt want my parents finding out if we Do decide to get married. So how can i keep our marriage a secret without them knowing and anyone including the state notifiying them were married. Like documents and stuff. And can i keep my name that i was born with? and change it later on? i don’t want ANYONE finding out before i tell them. But im afraid that somthing is going to notify my parents before i do and i dnt want that? can you give me advice on what i should do????
Me (22 years old) and my girlfriend (19 years old) have been dating for a little over a year and a half. We have been living together for a few months and spend just about all of our time together (mainly because we are boring people and just like to spend most nights in together). My work is making me move halfway across the country and she is more than willing to move with me especially since she will be done college in a couple of weeks. I keep thinking that if our lives are sorted out career wise like they are and we are moving far away together if its a good time to think about getting married. I know we havent been dating for a ridiculous amount of time but I love her with all my heart and I know she loves me the same way but im worried about how my parents will react as we are still a little young. Any advice?
This is my situation.
My boyfriend and I are 19 and in university, we’ve been together for about a year, and we want to get married. I’ve been through a lot, and I’m very independant, and he is too. We are Christian, and we know that God has brought us together to be married. We want to get married at the end of the summer of 2014, with me taking school on in the summer and an overload during the school years before that so I only have one or two courses during our first year of marriage. He will be in a very well paying co-op for the first year of our marriage, and we are financially stable enough to afford our wedding as he is a mining co-op student and I am a successful entrepreneur on the side. When he goes back to school for his last year after his co-op, I will be graduated and able to work full time, and I have many connections in my field already. After that 8 months of him being back in school, he will be an engineer in training and we will have sufficient income in our lives. We’ll be 21 at this point, but my mom has serious control issues and will resist. The rest of my family knows I want to marry him, but as my parents are divorced, my mom and stepdad do not know yet. I’m nervous as to how to tell them but I’m so ready to be with the love of my life. Any advice would be great.
I am in a similar situation. I am a sophmore in college (19) and my boyfriend of over four years is 21. He has graduated college and has a job at Ford. We want to spend our lives together, but I’m worried about my parents thinking I’m too young to get married. Both me and my boyfriend want to wait until I have graduated from college and gotten a job before we actually get married, but we do want to get engaged soon. We have been living together for the past year and also have gotten a puppy. Although I don’t think there is an age that is too young, from being in a similar position I think that if you think you can’t wait to get married, then you’re probably not ready. Being married isn’t about the ring on your finger or the ceremony, I think its about the promise that you’re going to be together forever and that you’re willing to fight through things to stay with eachother. This might be a little silly, but thats what I think. Alought I really do want to get married to my boyfriend I know that it wouldn’t be smart to do it right now, I’m not finished with school and I don’t have a job, both of things are really important to me. Getting engaged is a good step because it shows that you’re ready for the next step, but maybe for reasons out of your control not quite ready to have the ceremony. For me those reasons are my schooling and the fact that we are both young and don’t have the money for the wedding right now.
Dear Melissa and Mark, I am 19 years old and so is my fiance. Yes he did ask me to marry him and gave me a gorgeous ring just as I gave him 1 but it was understood between us that we are going to finish our education first. Him asking me was really just like a promise made between us so to speak. Let me tell you why we are finishing our education: both our parents were married young, mine are divorced his aren’t. But they cannot care for us financially and they have proved that if they had taken the time to establish themselves and their carreers first life would have been easier now. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying to do it alone, by all means be together through college but think about your children and eachother. Love is not selfish. At the end of the road if you really love eachother you would want the best possible life for the other and for the children made between the two of you..getting married doesn’t prove you are in love, waiting to get married doesn’t prove you’re in love BUT making the best decision for eachother even if its not what you want is a step in the right direction of love. At the age you’re at the best decision for eachother is to allow eachother to get educated, grow with eachother, and in the end have the life you wanted at 17 without the financial stress you would have had while being able to properly care for your kids..after all the unborn are innocent in this situation why suffer them?