Before you say “I do”, and preferably before getting engaged, there are hard questions about marriage that need to be asked that may determine the success or failure of your marriage relationship before it even starts. Asking yourself and your prospective spouse the right questions before marriage will not only help you decide if you’ve truly found “The One”, but will also help you avoid common problems that can lead to divorce.
By taking the time to honestly evaluate your feelings and motivations for getting married, you will be able to determine your degree of readiness for marriage. Honest answers to the hard questions, thereby saving your marriage before it starts, helps determine how well you and your prospective mate will deal with problems and issues that often arise such as finances, sex, communication, conflict, parenting, in-laws, spirituality, expectations and chores.
Premarital counseling should be given serious consideration before getting married, as relationship experts agree that too many couples fail to ask themselves and each other critical pre-marriage questions before marrying. People simply don’t learn enough about each other before they slip on the wedding band and find themselves disillusioned with marriage, so these “getting to know you questions” are important questions to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend, and carefully listening to the answers can save you years of regret and heartache.
Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
Question 1: Am I/we really in love? What do I love about my partner? Be specific! You need to be sure that you both truly love each other rather than confusing infatuation or lust for each other. True love happens slowly, really loving the “whole person” as they are right now, not as you would like them to be after trying to mold him/her into the perfect husband or wife like malleable pieces of clay.
Question 2: Why are we getting married? Why am I asking this person to marry me? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness, need for sex, wanting children, getting away from mom/dad etc are some of the worst reasons to marry and getting married for the wrong reasons can quickly lead to feelings of disappointment, resentment and divorce.
Question 3: What are my expectations of marriage? Have you fully considered and discussed everything involved with preparing for marriage? Marriage expectations can either make or break a marriage. False expectations, believing in the myths about marriage, thinking that someone else can or will make you happy, trying to read each other’s mind, losing yourself to the other person, wanting to do everything together, and wanting to have a “perfect marriage” will put you on the fast track to unhappiness and disappointment in marriage.
Question 4: Do your boyfriend or girlfriend’s family and friends like you? What do you like and dislike about each others family? How much time will you spend with in-laws? How much involvement do or will family members or parents have in decision making? Does your partner stand up for you in conflict situations with family or friends, or does he/she become passive and quiet while you simmer with anger and frustration?
Dealing with in-laws can be very difficult, with one or more family members creating problems and stress in your marriage due to their own false expectations of time spent together; conflicts and arguments with toxic family members over where holidays and special occasions will be spent; disagreements over how grandchildren should be raised or disciplined; mother-in-law’s being over-involved and critical about how to cook and clean house or sharing her personal opinions on being a good wife or husband without being asked for such advice.
Question 5: Are you a saver or spender when it comes to handling money? What are my/our personal and financial goals? Should we have a joint checking account or separate accounts or both? Who will have the primary responsibility for making sure that bills are paid on time? How much do we owe in debts and what are our assets, if any?
Money problems and financial disagreements is one of the top ten reasons for divorce, making it vitally important that couples communicate how money will be spent or saved in order to avoid needless arguments over money. Both husband and wife need to know everything about bills, loans, debts, savings account balances, credit card purchases and balances etc, rather than either the husband or wife controlling all the money and making all the financial decisions without the knowledge and agreement of their spouse.
Question 6: Are the two of you able to “fight fair?” Are there existing problems in your relationship that need to be dealt with before the wedding? Have you created your “non-negotiable deal-breaker” list and discussed them openly with your prospective spouse? What are the things that you will not accept or tolerate in your marriage relationship? Fights and disagreements do happen in marriages, and how you both deal with these problems in a respectful, non-violent, mutually agreeable manner will greatly determine if your marriage will be a happy and successful one or not.
Question 7: Do you want children? When? How many? Does your partner want children? If so, when and how many? Do you both agree on how to discipline children, discussing a variety of discipline methods you both believe in (time-outs, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, spanking, etc.) and are in complete agreement?
Disciplining children effectively requires that both of you are on the same page and agree on how discipline will be handled. Keep in mind that children learn what they live, and your kids will pick up on the verbal and non-verbal communication within the home and will develop what they perceive to be “normal” relationship interactions and behavior based on how you role model proper behavior within the home.
Question 8: Do you like and enjoy sex? How often do you need or expect sex? Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears? What sexual activities do you enjoy most? Least? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? If so, what? Be specific! Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect, want and need?
Does the mere mention of sex toys or vibrators make you feel squeamish, uncomfortable or make you giggle with embarrassment? Women especially have a difficult time discussing sex, foreplay, preferred sexual positions etc, but discussing sex with your soon-to-be spouse and life partner cannot be overemphasized. Expecting your husband or wife to somehow read your mind and “just know” what you want or need sexually doesn’t work and often leads to disappointment and disillusionment in marriage. SEE: How to Please a Woman in Bed, Pleasure and Satisfy Her Completely for tips.
Question 9: Is religion a big part of your life? What current religious affiliation do you currently have, if any? How important is it that your partner share your religious beliefs or convert to your religion? Does your religion impose any behavior restrictions that would affect you and your partner as a married couple such as dietary, social, sexual, familial etc? If so, be very specific!
Religious beliefs, spirituality and expectations for raising children in homes with different religious beliefs and upbringing can easily become a non-negotiable deal-breaker, so be absolutely sure you both discuss, understand and agree on what each other expects in regards to how religion will or will not affect your marriage and role as parents.
Question 10: How well do you communicate with your partner? Are you better at listening or speaking? How do you and your partner feel about using strong language or cuss words when communicating? How do you express yourself when upset or disappointed? Do you speak up for yourself assertively or become passive and quiet, unwilling to engage at all in discussions or during disagreements? Are you prone to screaming and yelling? Slamming doors? Hitting?
The communication differences between men and women are many, how each listens and speaks to the opposite sex is a telling sign of things to come, and how well you communicate will affect to a large degree the happiness and longevity of your marriage. Improving your communication skills with your partner with loving, respectful, effective communication, without resorting to abusive behaviors such as screaming, yelling, cussing, pushing, shoving, hitting and slamming doors will make or break your relationship and will affect the lives of any children that you may have in a negative or positive way.
Is anyone ever really ready for marriage? Getting engaged and planning to get married should be a fun and exciting time in your life. There are going to be ups and downs in any relationship or marriage, as there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. How you and your partner deal with the good times and the bad times will define you as a couple, and that is why it’s so important to make sure you determine your readiness for marriage and your partner’s readiness before taking such a big step into marriage and saying “I do.”
Related Posts:
How to Get Along With the In-Laws: Dealing With In-Laws and Extended Family
Toxic Relationships-Toxic Family Members
How to Fight Fair in Marriage
Sex Every Day for Married Couples – 30 Day Sex Challenge
How to Spot a Gold Digger
Relationship Deal Breakers: Non-Negotiable Boundaries
Why Are Women So Strange and Men So Weird?
Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men
What does it mean to “leave and cleave” in traditional wedding vows?
How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law
How to Discipline Children
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Excellent questions, Lin! I’d expand slightly on #5 with a second part to that question…
Do you trust this person with your money? If you’re going into marriage with the idea of keeping separate finances, there may be a real trust issue at the root of those plans. And if you cannot trust your partner with your money, should you be trusting that person with parts of yourself that are infinitely more important? Money is fleeting. The other stuff lasts a lifetime.
Hi Rob, my personal opinion on the issue of bank accounts is that having a main joint bank account that is used to pay bills and make the major purchases is best.
However, I see no problem with the husband AND the wife having their own separate checking or savings account in addition to their joint bank account, (as well as credit cards in their own name) where they both can make small purchases or buy Christmas or Birthday surprise gifts.
I believe very strongly that women need to know and insist on knowing what is happening with the couple’s money. Just because either the husband or wife may be primarily responsible for seeing to it that bills are paid on time, both of them need to discuss and be fully aware of everything there is to know about where their money is and is going.
Tragedy struck a friend of mine last year when her husband suddenly and without warning passed away, leaving her with so much unknown debt that she’s now in bankruptcy and struggling financially. She didn’t think it important to know about finances and where money was going, and her husband was all too willing to keep their financial situation secret (he was secretly cheating on her) and then he died. She has no credit cards in her name, no bank account in her own name and has virtually no credit history of her own to rebuild her life as it’s all tied up in the husband’s name.
Good stuff Lin, and thanks for the link. If I had it to do over again, my wife and I would have talked about our finances a little more, and perhaps given thought to getting better jobs before we got married.
That said, I’m glad we’re married, and we love each other very much.
Lin, great post with solid advice. I have watched many couples pay more attention to planning the “big day” than planning for the life they will have after the day is over. So many couples make assumptions about money, children and sex rather than talking about it. I know many couples where one partner differed and the other just thought they could change his/her mind. Not a good way to begin a marriage. My old pastor recommended pre-marital counseling before you announce the engagement. That way you were able to focus on the relationship, work through problems without the external pressure, and make a different decision if counseling revealed that marriage was not the right decision.
Karen, I agree that pre-marital counseling is a very good idea and I feel it should be required that couples (of any age) openly discuss many questions before getting married, especially the hard questions that many people feel uncomfortable talking about. Questions about sex, money, and everything else related to being married is too often ignored and couples end up very disillusioned in a short period of time after the wedding.
You’re right about people paying too much attention to planning the actual wedding and the wedding ceremony and reception.
That’s just one day in the lives of marrying couples, and engaged couples or those who are just considering getting married really need to step back and think about where they want to be in 5, 10, 20 or 30 years after the wedding day has passed.
Lin, if only everyone took that advice. I have to ask though, what if you did all those steps and you change after 15 years of marriage. For example, when I got married, we wanted kids, both had great jobs, both wanted the same things… etc.
Communication is so key in a relationship, I think it should be practiced, typed out in bold, hammered into everyone’s head whatever it takes. And to really understand each other’s personalities. My DH and I are completely different.. I mean completely, he is rational, logical and analytical, I am emotional, feeling and intuitive. Once we understood that of one another, we could understand how each of us communicates… you know, sometimes we just don’t get it, because we just don’t and can’t…
Break down the communication, and because we all change as we take our journey through life, being able to communicate is so key.
If we didn’t have that, we would be divorced long long ago. We both have changed so much through our lives and things we wanted and didn’t believe in when we got married has flipped completely….
I think taking a Myers Briggs test should be mandatory too.
Man I hope that makes sense….
Hi Rhonda, I completely understand what you’re talking about as far as communication. I think you’d get a kick out of my article Why Are Women So Strange and Men So Weird as it talks about just how different men and women are, in how each thinks, feels, communicates etc.
Then again, after being married for a few years, people can change. I mean, people do change, and it really becomes important for couples to work very hard to keeping the romance alive, and continue to “court” each other instead of becoming lazy and allowing the “we grew apart” stuff to creep into the marriage.
You’re right, communication should be hammered into each person’s head since it’s often taken for granted and couples stop communicating effectively with each other.
Seems like most people I know either “wing it” or get married because that’s what they think they’re supposed to do. So many ways to get married for the wrong reasons, and then so easy to get out of it (perhaps for the right reasons, but still very easy to do). Good advice Lin. Thanks for the link too
Hi Jeremy, I’ve been surprised to find many people still have the belief that just because their friends, brother or sister is getting married, that it means they need to hurry up and get married too. Huh? As if what other people are doing needs to be the deciding factor of whether or not to get married. Ridiculous to say the least.
Well, there are hundred ways to getting married, while there are over thousand of reasons to getting divorced!
Most of the people in nowadays getting married and divorced like the speed of light!
By the way, I will tell my friends to read on your well written post here, Lin
Hi Wilson,
There are many right reasons to get married, but there are many more people getting married for the wrong reasons, so it’s no wonder why the divorce rate is it what it is.
People getting married too young is just one of many really stupid reasons to get married. I’ll be talking about this more in an upcoming post.
I think question 9 is very important to ask. Religion can be a major hurdle as it is with my husband and I. He isn’t interested in the least in going to church, but I think it is important for our children to go. They see that he isn’t interested in religion, so as they are getting older, they are leaning towards his views. Ugghhhh.
Julie