What Grown Children Owe Their Parents
What do grown children owe their parents? Do adult children owe their parents for what they’ve done while growing up? What does honor thy father and honor thy mother really mean? What are the duties and responsibilities towards elderly parents by their children, and how do these responsibilities relate to the scriptural requirement to cleave in a marriage relationship?
The challenges of parenting parents in their advanced years can often cause personal and financial problems in marriages and families, but it’s a shame when grown children use the word “owe” when discussing how or IF they will provide care for their aging parents, as if what parents do for their children while raising them is somehow a debt that must be repaid in full.
Some children have grown up in abusive or neglectful homes, using those past experiences and memories as an excuse not to help or assist in providing needed care and attention to their elderly parents, with the selfish attitude of “I didn’t ask to be born” or, “I don’t have to take care of my parents because of x, y, z done to me while growing up”.
Caring For Elderly Parents
Getting along with aging parents can be a challenge, and you don’t have to be part of the Sandwich Generation to appreciate the difficulties and conflicts that sometimes arise in marriages and families while taking care of mom and/or dad. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Throughout our own lives and the lives of parents, genuine forgiveness for past hurts and misdeeds is a sign of maturity and good character as opposed to holding onto a lifelong grudge that hurts no one but you.
Jane English, a philosophy professor at the University of North Carolina, was asked the question “What do grown children owe their parents?” English’s response was “nothing”, arguing that “grown children have no filial obligations to their parents, but that there are things that children ought to do for their parents, but they do not owe them things”.
Caring for aging or elderly parents is not so much a question of whether the aged generation should be taken care of, but more of a question of who should take care of them. Isn’t caring for elderly parents just the right and moral thing for their children and families to do?
Don’t we all hope that when we are old and needing help of some kind that our children would without question or a moments hesitation be willing to come to our aid, rather than having the attitude of “owing” such help? Or worse, completely ignore the parent’s plea for help or need of help, and simply decide to let the state or society handle their care.
Honor Thy Father and Mother
The United States Catholic Catechism for Adults says “children owe their parents respect, gratitude, just obedience and assistance” as part of the Ten Commandments in the Old Testament. The commandment says to “Honor thy father and mother…that thou mayest live long on the earth.” Nowhere in the text does it say “Honor thy father and mother” IF:
- If they are good parents…
- If they stay together in marriage until death do them part…or
- If they did everything right as parents or as individuals, etc.
Nor does it say that children owe their parents love, which is another common excuse used by adult children not wishing to provide care for their parents saying, “I don’t love my parents so I don’t need to do anything for them”. The scriptural text simply and clearly states that children are to honor their parents. To Honor means “to dignify; to raise to distinction or notice; to bestow honor upon; to elevate in rank or station; to ennoble; to exalt; to glorify; hence, to do something to honor; to treat in a complimentary manner or with civility”.
Taking care of elderly parents is primarily the responsibility and moral obligation of families and the individual needing care, and the state can assist as needed. There are state programs available that may be able to provide financial assistance by paying caregivers or family members that are having difficulty in dealing with elderly parents and the increasing need for care that can become quite costly.
Cleave
The definition of cleave is “to adhere closely; to stick; to hold fast; to cling” and, “to unite or be united closely in interest or affection; to adhere with strong attachment”. So, how do you balance “leave and cleave” with honoring your parents at the same time? “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24)
The parent-child relationship is the temporary one…there will be a “leaving.” The husband-wife relationship is the permanent one (let not man put asunder-Matthew 19:6). When an adult child has gotten married and the parent/child relationship remains primary or the first priority, the newly formed marital union is seriously threatened.
Cleaving indicates such intimate closeness that there is to be no closer relationship than that between the two spouses, not with any former friend or with any parent. They are to become “one flesh”. When a parent deliberately or unknowingly violates the biblical principles found in Genesis 2:24, they should be respectfully disobeyed. It is necessary to distinguish real physical and emotional needs from the “felt needs” of an overbearing, meddling, controlling and demanding parent.
Whether or not there is good relationship between grown children and their parents, there is still the need to provide care for elderly parents in order to lead a truly peaceful, happy and contented life, but also because St. Peter may call your name one day as well as mine, and the choices we all make in life will determine if we’re on St. Peter’s list or not.
Related Posts:
Caring For Our Elderly Parents
One Flesh in Marriage
What Parents Owe Their Children
Taking Care of Aging Parents as a Family
Can I Get Paid to Care for a Family Member: Mother or Father?
What Does it Mean to Leave and Cleave in Traditional Wedding Vows?
Taking a Bite Out of the Sandwich Generation
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Wow Lin,
You write long, deep articles.
I like this one, and the topic. To me, it is not black and white as to what grown children own their parents. One of my goals as a parent is to be financially responsible, and not end up being a burden on my kids. It goes along with my belief that one shouldn’t have kids if you can’t support them, and part of that means not being a burden on them later in life (yeh, I know things can change). I believe in “pay it forward”. I want my grown kids to focus on their kids and not me. They don’t owe me anything, except a phone call on fathers’ day, though I expect to get more than that. I just want them to be responsible and take care of themselves, and I’ll do the same.
~ Steve (aka “display booths“)
PS. Didn’t mean to ramble so much if I did.
Steve, yeah, some of my articles are long and some are very deep. I’ve been rather surprised myself to see the words people have used to come to and read those other articles linked in this article. Pretty sad I must say, so I felt I needed to do this one that dealt with all of it in one fell swoop, using some of those phrases including the title. I actually think some of my other articles are a lot longer than this one, and I try to not get too heavy in “religion” posts. ugh….
hi Lin,
It might be kind of interesting to do a post on “strangest search terms people use to find Telling It Like It Is”. I’ve seen another blog do that and it was funny. But then again, based on what you write about and how personal it is, and how much trouble some people get into (sometimes just by bad luck), such a post might be a bit depressing. Oh well.
I meant to add that I like your discussion of “cleaving”. It’s important for parents to know when to let go.
~ Steve (aka display booths)
LOL. Remember the one about gold d……rs? Yeah, that one’s been interesting to say the least. Then there’s the one I did about “the lolita effect” that brings in many low-life’s every day. Most of the words are relatively tame, and I thought maybe of doing a linky-love post soon and including a couple/few search terms at the end of the post. We’ll see.
Hi Lin,
Yeah, a very informative and well written article about how to take care the elders…
It’s our duty and responsibility to do it, thus we cannot even throw our parents to the elderly house, as it is not fair to them and it’s also a very cruelty action as well!
Hi Wilson,
There are varying opinions about whether to put elderly parents in nursing homes or assisted living facilities or to stay in the family home, and I believe it is up to each family to determine whether or not their parent is needing that level of care and are unable to take care of their parents in their own home for various reasons.
It’s really a personal decision for families, and we have to be careful not to judge the children harshly if putting mom or dad in a nursing home is their choice, since no one knows the details of their situation.
I’ve known parents who have requested through a “living will” that they want to be placed in a nursing home when or if they are unable to take care of themselves properly so they don’t put too much responsibility or “burden” on their kids, while also trying to care for their own families.
I really think it’s important to prepare well ahead of time for what we would or would not want done in the event we become incapacitated in some way by having a living will and other legal forms prepared, signed and notarized and kept safe in a file for whoever is making decisions about our care.
hi Lin,
I agree with you on this really being a personal decision that each family has to make, and who are we to judge those decisions?
That said, I thought about it more, and I would have to say that we don’t owe our parents anything. Parents decide to have kids, and thus I do think parents owe their kids a good upbringing. But kids don’t get to decide who their parents are, and thus don’t owe them the same way. Parents can do a good job and earn certain things, but they aren’t owed anything by default. Just my three cents now.
~ Steve (aka display booths)
My mom’s recent health scare has reinforced my ideas on taking care of family first. I was raised on the example of my parents taking care of their parents, and my grandparents caring for his parents (and brothers and sisters, in their old age).
I recently discovered that there are many married couples struggling with caring for elderly parents on either side of the family, while at the same time maintaining the proper balance and understanding of what it means to cleave.
That is one (of several) very big issues that creates stress and strain while taking care of aging parents and staying happily married, with or without children.
[...] What Grown Children Owe Their Parents. This article really hit home for me as my own mom has been going through some serious health issues recently. [...]
Hi Lin
I agree with most of the comment posted on your site.
I believe in family values and think it is our responsibility to look after the elders or even help strangers who are unable to help them self.
We all will get old some day and can only hope someone will look after us as we did to others.
Hi Sam, I also believe in “do unto others as we would have done to us” and I think it aptly applies to what we do to take care of the elderly and the infirm.
Hi Lin,
I completely agree with you on taking care of your elderly parents.
No matter what your relationship was, except if they physcially, sexually, or mentally abused you, your parents did the best they could.
I think it’s really sad when personal issues and selfishness get in the way of doing what is right.
Hi Renita, I’ve personally seen people who choose to ignore the needs of their elderly parent(s) for the most trivial “reasons” imaginable and it’s so incredibly sad.
I think the best reason for taking care of your parents or grandparents is a perfectly logical one. The elders in your family or community have the most accumulated experience (on average), and has the most potential to spread the wisdom for a healthy society. The elderly are less likely to be looking out for themselves only, and are finally at a point where they are more likely to contribute and want to leave a larger legacy when they have gone.
Herb, taking care of elderly parents is an important and necessary responsibility for grown children as well as the entire family, including teenagers and grandchildren. No one in the family is exempt from doing what is necessary in taking care of mom, dad, grandma or grandpa. There is much everyone in the family can do to share the duties and responsibilities, rather than the majority falling on just one person in the family.
What Do People Owe thier Parents? To try to treat them with respect and dignity and kindness. Caregiveing IF POSSIBLE. Let’s be real here. It is not always possible to give care if the Elder is rejecting and abusive and prefers others to do it. Setting reasonable limits to behavour is admirable but not always possible with some Elders. I have a friend whose family believes whole heartedly in “incest is best”. When she refused to join in and told someone, she was branded the snitch who was “destroying” the family. She was raised by others and returned to her family when 16. Througout her childhood and into her adulthood, her family sees her as the family slave and scapegoat, made to do all the chores and delibertly left out or marginalized at all holidays…as punishement for refusing incest.
Her family fraudelently stole an inhertance for her, routinely attempst to borrow money from her, despite the fact that they have a fair amount of money and she is dirt poor. They have attempted to have her killed(she was beaten and raped and left for dead by someone whom her brother had hired) and made numerouse attempts to THIS DAY to recruit her only child into the incest.
Most of her siblings have had thier own children removed to foster care for incest related matters. She reports nieghborhood “girlfriends” in thier thirties sitting in her father’s lap and making suggestive remarks(as though they also were recruited). On several occasions in her youth, her father attempted to “set her up” to date adult men who lent him money or could advance his career and likewise “overnights” with his children being lent out to his business partners was not uncommen.
Not only does she need not caretake them but to do so endangers both her life and the life of her child, as they continue to exhibit bizarre behaviours and make not very skillfull attempts to seduce her child. Because she is human and deep down would really like to belong to a family Holidays are especially hard on her. She maintians some contact with a sister but doesn’t want the parents to know her exact wereabouts as they demand money from her and make trouble for her. They see her as existing to forfill thier needs.
I have repeatedly advised her NOT TO VISIT THEM ALONE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES as the psycho brother may pop in, and the sexual business is ONGOING.
This holiday season they tried to hit her up to pay off her brother and sister’s credit card debt, they incurred with Switzeraland holidays. They are asking someone who has worked hard and has a disabled child, and who lives on beans and rice.
I spent a lot of time explaining to her that the family is locked into a destructive and abusive pattern with her and that her first responsibility is to care for herself(as in finishing her education for a better job) and her child(as in seeing that she gets a healthy diet and not a subsistance diet). Her parents and siblings can easly care for themselves and pose both a physical and psychological threat to her.
Although she has been told the same by couselours it is still difficult for her to walk away from her family, who want to keep thier slave.
Intellectually she knows this, but at holidays will slip into “pleasing and placating” the abusing family as she deep down would like thier love and approval. Does she owe them? Not in my book.
Hi Carol,
The situation you describe is disgusting to say the least, and it is absolutely true that she needs to protect herself and her children from any such abusive behaviors by the parents/grandparents and accomplices. Absolutely, without a doubt.
Have the authorities been notified? Any charges pending?
When I talk about “abusive behaviors” by elderly parents, I’m referring to how SOME elderly parents may be verbally abusive or combative with caretakers, NOT abusive in ways that you describe.
Some illnesses predominant in the elderly can make caring for elderly parents extremely stressful, Alzheimer’s comes to mind, which caretakers have to adjust to and find meaningful ways to help take care of the elderly parents.
Carol, in the case you describe, I agree that she does not “owe” her parents care, and that word “owe” is often overused by both the young and elderly in today’s society which is why I used the term.
I hope your article could open the eyes of many immature adults.
Those who raised us as parents as well should be treated as such, a grandparent, and uncle etc.
Love and regards.