How to Say No to Children
“I can’t say no to my children and I need to learn how to say no to my kids without feeling like a bad guy all the time. Saying no to my kids is very hard for me and they usually get whatever they want because I give in. Can you help?” says Megan, mother of 3 young children. Sorry Megan, but parents have to say no to toddlers and older children, teens and grown adult children, and not saying no is a big “no-no” when raising kids.
I’m a firm believer in “let your yes mean yes and no mean no”. Yes always means yes and no always means no. By no means should children be raised with mixed messages where kids learn that no means maybe or no means yes. When parents say no, it means no and it always means no.
Saying No to Children
Parents have to set reasonable, age-appropriate boundaries for their children and teenagers, as well as providing needed discipline and consequences for inappropriate attitudes and behaviors, rather than parenting with empty threats where kids quickly learn the word “no” means nothing at all.
Many parents today find themselves in a situation of “the tail wagging the dog”, whereby children and teens are controlling the parents, cussing and disrespecting parents and other authority figures, because parents want to be “friends with their children” rather than parents being parents.
Kids need to learn what no means, and it’s the parents responsibility to teach their children the meaning of no. Parents must learn how to say no to children without feeling like “the bad guy” for saying no and then caving in to demands, but must also balance saying no with saying yes when appropriate to do so, providing options, choices and explanations that are reasonable and age-appropriate for the child to understand.
Not saying no to your children because you don’t want to be seen as “the bad guy” is no excuse for lax parenting. Parents must say no to their children, and all the whining, crying, complaining and tantrums kids may try in order to get their own way should never cause parents to relinquish their parental responsibility to parent and discipline their children. Each and every time a parent caves or gives in after saying no, the parent is teaching and training their child how to manipulate and control their parent.
Parents must determine when to say yes and when to say no to children or teens and firmly stick to the decision without wavering. In this modern, mollycoddled society we’re living in, commonly referred to as an Entitlement Epidemic, kids are controlling the parents rather than parents teaching, training, setting reasonable boundaries and limits
How to Say No to Children
Physically getting down to the child’s level, giving great eye contact, sitting closely to your child while carefully listening to the child or teenager’s requests without interruption are all things parents can and need to do when considering whether to say yes or no. Talking with teenagers can be very challenging at times, but your relationship with your teen will be greatly improved if you spend more time listening than you do talking, even if you decide on saying no to their request.
Once you have made your decision, explain to your child the reason you are saying no (or why you are saying yes), so they can better understand you aren’t trying to be a mean ol’ mom or dad, but that you are their parent and must make the final decision you feel is best. Cynthia Whitham, author of The Answer is No: Saying it and Sticking to it
If your children whine or nag to get you to buy the latest fads, toys or gadgets (often because of peer pressure and strong desire to “fit in”), Jody Johnston Pawel, author of The Parent’s Toolshop: The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family
Saying no really isn’t that hard, but when you say no you must remember to let your yes mean yes and no mean no. Is it hard for you to say no to your children? Do you have a question on how to say no to children? What would you suggest for parents like Megan?
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A Sense of Entitlement
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12 Rules for Raising Delinquent Children
Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep Them Talking to You and How to Hear What They’re Really Saying
Zero Tolerance for Disrespectful, Cussing Kids
Surviving The Teen Years-A Parent’s Guide
How to Build Self-Confidence in Children and Teens
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Well, Lin. That’s why is not easy to being a parent here, as we have to keep ourselves update with all the parenting knowledge from time to time.
I loved the ways you stated out the points here, Lin
Hi Wilson, being a parent (or at least a good parent) takes a lot of hard work and saying no to children who need to hear no is an absolute must.
Something that’s been very obvious for quite a few years is the difficulty for grown up “children” and parents to say no to themselves (ie. the “financial crisis” and the Entitlement Epidemic so prevalent today).
Parents have to say no. Saying “no” isn’t hard; it’s saying no and sticking to it without caving in to tantrums that parents have difficulty with. No wonder the show “Super Nanny” is so popular.
Sometimes saying No becomes a real problem, especially when I (mom) say NO and Dad says YES for the same request. I don’t allow my daughter to eat too much of chocolate, she has problems with teeth and I don’t want her teeth to be out of order, Daddy is sure that 1 small chocolate bar daily can’t do anything bad to a child… And she sees that we don’t have equal opinions and tries to manipulate… So, not only saying NO is important, but NO should be NO for both parents (friends and grannies). You should always warn your friends and relatives of what is allowed to the child and what is NEVER allowed.
We’ve all been observers to the situation where a parent tells their child no to something repeatedly over a few minutes and then just gives up.
I always have to shake my head at this when I see it because all that has happened there is that the child has learned the value of persistence and that “no” means “eventually yes”.
That’s great training for parenting that child in later years…
P, you are so right. If parents can’t figure out how to say no to kids when they’re toddlers or a little older, they are in for some very tough years later on.
Lina, parents must work together establishing and maintaining the rules in the home, and parents who are in conflict with saying no to their kids can bet the children are watching and learning that if mommie says no, daddy will say yes (or vice versa). Pretty sad, but it goes on every day in many homes.
I’m a firm believer in discipline. No means no, and I will say so. If it escalated, I won’t spare the rod. It kept me in line while I was growing up, so I know it’ll work with my kid.
With that said, I also believe there needs to be a follow up via dialogue, and lots of love. I make sure I discuss the behavioral problem with my kid, and make her apologize. My kid is a stubborn one (just like me) so being stern is the key for us.
Good for you Rudy. Isn’t it amazing the number of parents who haven’t figured out the need to say no, and mean no?
Follow up dialogue is also a must, having children say they are sorry for misbehavior etc. Stubborn kids, also referred to as a “strong willed child”, can be especially challenging and difficult to deal with.
Consistency, reminders and loving discipline is necessary from the time children are very young, all the way through the teen years.
No is the word that I don’t really like to hear from my parent when I was a kid. But, now, I realized that there must be a balance between yes and no. Good explanation always help kids understand why it is no. Kudos to you for this guide
Hi Lin – I struggle with this. A lot of the time, I find myself saying no to horror films. Like you say, I give my teenage son a reason.
In the case of horror films, it’s because some kids have gone out and done really bad things after watching them.
But then he’ll come out with things like, those kids must have been basket cases anyway.
I hate when they have an answer for everything and I can’t think of something to say next.
Hi Cath, teens are especially good about having any number of retort comments for parents when they’ve been told no, but parents have to say no and mean no. No If, And’s or But’s about it. One of my daughters was good about trying to debate every decision (especially when told no), and you should see her debate abilities now with the presidential campaign (now over).
Norha, parents have to keep in mind that if they’re always saying no and rarely saying yes (when appropriate), constantly saying no about every little thing creates lots of problems between children and parents. Finding a reasonable, appropriate balance between Yes and No are vital.
hi Lin,
When I first read your post title, I thought it was “How to say no to (having) children” and it was going to be advice for a newly married couple on how to deal with a mother or mother-in-law nagging them about when are they going to have kids?
Anyway, I quickly realized what it was actually about. To me one key is to establish control as a parent from the get go. I know some parents that appear to think they’ll not say no to their baby, or their toddler, because they’re “so cute” and they don’t know what’s going on anyway. The longer you wait, the harder it’ll be.
~ Steve (aka the trade show guru)
Hi Steve, I’ve been surprised by the number of parents who seem to feel that saying no to very small children is “mean” and unnecessary. How sad that is, since even toddlers figure out real fast how to get their own way by throwing tantrums and hissy-fits in public places, and the parents give in just to shut them up. Zero discipline from the get-go means little or no discipline later on.
You’re right, the longer you wait, the harder it’ll be.
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Hi Lin,
I have a 3 year old niece and lately she has been throwing a lot of tantrums. After the birth of her younger sister we have been overtly careful not to let her feel ignored or sidelined.
But for all the extra care and concern that we show to her .. She is becoming naughtier by the day. Its a complex situation. We don’t want her to feel left out at the same time dont want to encourage her tantrums.
What to do?
[...] may not work on another. If you are frustrated with trying to learn how to discipline a toddler, or how to say No to your children, you are not [...]
Hi Janet, kids throwing tantrums is a problem for many parents. It’s very good that the family is doing things to keep her feeling involved and loved. I assume by your message that you and her parents have invited or asked her to help take care of the baby directly, perhaps helping with changing diapers or feeding schedules etc. Even simple things like bringing mommie a diaper or handing mom the baby wipes etc help older siblings feel involved and not left out.
If she is seeing other kids throw tantrums and get their way, she may be learning this “skill” from watching other kids. It’s important to nip it in the bud now while she is still very young.
I like how “Super Nanny” has parents put small children on a “naughty chair”, “naughty mat” or even on the bottom step of the staircase leading upstairs if there is one, requiring children to stay there quietly for a few minutes. It’s important to physically get down on her level, eye to eye, and explain the reason in a calm but firm manner as to why she is being disciplined.
In your niece’s case, she would have to sit quietly on the naughty seat for three minutes since that is her age. Each time she refuses, gets up and runs off etc, the timer starts over. If she runs off after being firmly told she must sit there because she did….x,y,z, keep putting her back on the naughty seat and firmly tell her No! (it may take several tries to get her to stay, depending on how defiant she becomes) and then walk away out of sight.
Let her cry all she wants, but make sure she stays on the naughty seat/mat for the entire 3 minutes before allowing her to get back up. Once the three minutes is up (don’t forget about her being there), get down on her level eye to eye and give her the reason again as to why she was being disciplined, and have her say she’s sorry for misbehaving. Tell her you love her and give her a hug before she resumes playtime.
Some parents may feel a swat on her behind (a spanking) would be effective, but at her age I honestly feel naughty chairs get the point across just fine. More often than not, the parents give up too soon with this method of naughty chairs because they get tired of having to chase the kid down over and over, or become so angry the parent starts yelling and screaming at the child. That only makes matters worse, since the parents are then teaching their kid to scream and yell at the parents when they don’t get their way.
Tantrums are a kids way of starting a power struggle between the child and the parents. Parents must remain calm and firmly resolved in stopping the negative behavior their children exhibit, whether the behavior is while at home or in a public place such as a restaurant or store.
In public places, parents must immediately leave the store with the child throwing tantrums, regardless of how close they are to being finished with their shopping. Not only is it intrusive to other customers, but staying at the store/restaurant with a child throwing a fit teaches the child the behavior is acceptable since they aren’t being disciplined and removed from the location.
Janet, you might want to take a look at the article How to Discipline Children for more discussion on saying no to children and disciplining kids.
Thank you so much for your words Lin. I loved the idea of ‘Naughty Chair.’ I’ll tell you about it how it works for the kid.
We do however make her say sorry every time she does something wrong and tell her why exactly she was wrong. Like when she hits the younger one, she is made to say sorry and kiss the baby!
Janet, I look forward to hearing how things are going with the naughty chair method. It’s great that you have her apologize for misbehaving and explain why her behavior is not acceptable. That is very important.
I often find that families where both parents work, and then want to sit and watch TV are the ones who have more of these problems. In many cases, these kids are starving for attention, and that’s the only way to get it. Like in Janet’s case, they pay more attention to the child when she’s upset, but is she getting attention when she’s being good?
Carole, there is no excuse for parents who don’t say no to their children or who don’t discipline their children. I’m not sure that I agree that this mostly occurs with parents who both work. Some newer parents didn’t have a very good role model of disciplining children and are “flying blind” without any idea of how to say no to their kids or how to discipline their children.
Consistency in discipline is key. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no.
This is a real issue for many parents. It’s so hard to say no to your children when you know it will make them upset. Discipline is definitely one of the most important things when raising a child and as you say, Lin, consistency is key. We should never send them mixed messages. But it is still extremely difficult sometimes because you feel like you’re really hurting your child’s feelings when you say no, and of course you don’t want to hurt them.
I’ve got pessimistic view on that. I think children (especially in the 21st century) will always whine and cry and complain. The parent’s task is to smooth it up and make it less of a problem.
Sometimes saying No to your own child is very-very difficult some parents told me. Even more difficult it is for the child’s grandparents. So let’s say No but sometimes still say Yes.
Hi George,
No parent wants to disappoint their children, but if parents don’t start saying no to their kids, the Entitlement Epidemic in our society is only going to get worse. Saying no (and yes when appropriate) must begin when a child is very young and continue throughout their teen years, and in many cases after they’ve become full grown adults. Are we growing a nation of wimps because of parents who can’t or won’t say no to their kids?
Lin,
I’m not saying we need to allow the kids do what the hell they want to do because that would lead to anarchy. What I am saying is that the television culture, the focus on material things, the “don’t touch a child” attitude have made their way through the society to the family and it is now simply impossible to raise a child with the strict “No” bringing-up. Something somewhere will crack. I’m not saying that you’re wrong but the old ways are not working now and the parents simply need to adjust to the society and to the environment that surrounds a child.
Hi George, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I can’t help but remember the time when well-known author and ‘parenting expert’ Dr. Spock said spanking children was the right and proper thing to do, then Spock changed his tune to say spanking a child in any form or fashion was nothing but abuse. Then he changed his mind once again. One expert tells us one thing and the next expert tells us something completely different, and parents fall for it hook, line and sinker every time there’s a change in viewpoint by the “experts”. To spank or not to spank? I don’t believe in the concept of “don’t touch a child”, as if a swat on the behind to get a child’s attention or show you mean what you say as being abusive at all. Unfortunately, there are extremes to each discipline method, and we’ve got a society where we’re throwing the baby out with the bath water, rather than focusing primarily on Teaching and Training children vs discipline/punishment etc, IMO.
Lin,
I completely agree with you. This is why I ment the parents need to adjust to the times if they’re “not in them yet” so to speak. because otherwise NSPCC may come and take the children away from them. And in the UK it’s unfortunately very feasible scenario.