Do you regret getting married? Have you ever said to yourself “I regret getting married”? Is your marriage a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage? If you could do it all over again, would you still choose to be married to your spouse? Are you planning on getting married? Why? The sheer number of unhappy marriages and staggering divorce rates should give dating and/or engaged couples reason for pause, and serious consideration into building a happy marriage without regrets in order to avoid divorce altogether.
According to a study of 4000 married couples carried out by market research firm OnePoll.com, a quarter of married men and women regret getting married to their spouses, while 15% of engaged couples planning to get married have misgivings about their upcoming nuptials. Is it “cold feet” pre-wedding jitters, or is there something more serious going on? Why do people regret getting married?
The average married couple gives up on romance just two years, six months and 25 days into a marriage, according to the research poll. “We tend to think of marriage as something people do when they are in love but this survey reveals that people tie the knot for all sorts of different reasons,” OnePoll’s John Sewell said. “And many of them aren’t sure they want to get married — even as they are standing at the altar saying their vows, which may worry some brides and grooms-to-be.”
- Four percent of the married people surveyed said they had gotten married for the wrong reasons, because they wanted wedding presents and a party, not because they were in love.
- 23 percent said they would not marry their partner if they could do it all over again, and 14 percent wished they had married someone else from their past.
- Only 28 percent confessed to being virgins when they met their future spouse, with some respondents saying they had slept with an average of four people before they met their marriage partner, and five percent admitted to having 20 or more previous sexual partners.
- 35 percent said the person they married was not the best sexual partner they have ever had and another 33 percent said that being single was more fun than being married.
- 12 percent of people surveyed said they stay with their partner just because they couldn’t be bothered to find someone new.
- Fifteen percent of husbands and wives admitted to lying to each other about their love lives, with most decreasing the number of previous sexual partners while two percent admitted to boosting the number.
- 83 percent of those surveyed said they couldn’t be bothered to celebrate the date they tied the knot by their third anniversary.
- Seven out of ten men admitted they were so comfortable with their spouse they frequently left socks, pants and other dirty washing lying around the house, while 79 percent admitted they no longer bothered to put the toilet seat down.
- 75 percent of men and women said they wouldn’t relinquish control over the remote control to their other half, even if they asked nicely.
- Two thirds of the married women polled said they no longer put forth the effort to dress up and look nice for their spouse. Nearly a third said they stay on the far side of the bed, claiming they don‘t have time for sex with their husbands.
- 54 percent of women polled no longer bothered wearing make-up; 61 percent admitted that they throw on a ratty T-shirt, comfy tracksuit bottoms or pajamas as soon as they got home from work, and 10 percent of married women said they don’t bother to wear sexy lingerie to spice things up in the bedroom.
- 83 percent of couples surveyed held hands often while out during the first few months of marriage, compared to just 38 percent after a decade of being married.
- Prior to the first wedding anniversary, partners would cuddle and hug more than eight times a day- compared with five or fewer after ten years of marriage. 60 percent said they hadn’t been surprised with a romantic night out since getting hitched.
John Sewell said, “It would appear that many are stuck in a rut, and whilst they still love their other half, they’re a little too comfortable in each others company. Couples need to find a good balance between feeling comfortable and taking each other for granted. The odd romantic meal would probably be all many couples need to spice things up a bit – and small gestures such as tidying up, and helping out with the housework would go a long way.”
Right and Wrong Reasons to Get Married
Marriage regrets often happen because dating and/or engaged couples haven’t considered their reasons for wanting to get married in the first place. Couples don’t think about the pros and cons of marriage, but choose to focus their time, attention and financial resources to the Cinderella wedding fairytale fantasy while planning a wedding that lasts just one day.
There are good reasons to get married and bad reasons to get married, but brides-to-be and grooms-to-be often pay too much attention to planning the fairytale fluff of the wedding day ceremony and reception, rather than planning and preparing for marriage and the difficulties that go with being married after the wedding day is over.
Brides-to-be often plan their wedding at The Knot Wedding Shop where decisions are made about the wedding budget, wedding dress, flowers, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls, ring bearers, wedding cake, grooms cake, wedding rings, wedding invitations, chapel or wedding venue options, the honeymoon, DJ, photographer and video etc. Your wedding day is just one day out of the rest of your life.
Marriage Without Regrets
If you really want a marriage without regrets
- Resolving conflict in marriage
- Understanding each partner’s role
- Improving the sexual relationship
- Becoming financially wise
- Respecting and keeping marriage vows
Getting married for the wrong reasons can quickly lead to an unhappy marriage ending in divorce, because couples did not prepare for marriage properly, were too young to get married or didn’t consider the fact that being married and being happily married are two entirely different things.
See: How to Please a Woman in Bed, Pleasure and Satisfy Her Completely
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I agree the 5 points of having a marriage without regret are so essential. I would throw in one more:
Sacrifice.
It’s a tough one because everyone only wants to know what they can get – not what they can give. Imagine what life will be like if everyone does things for each other, without regret or getting tired of it.
I can only hope.
Very good point Rudy. Sacrifice in a marriage is very important, but far too many people have a selfish “it’s all about me” attitude, wanting their own way most if not all of the time. Willingness and desire to give to our spouse is a true sign of Love and maturity.
Hi Lin,
I have absolutely no regrets about my current marriage. While I don’t think anybody would put describe us with terms like “very romantic”, we get along great, and our personalities compliment each other.
Now, my first wife on the other hand. lol, in hindsight, I can see many reasons for regret even before we said “I do”.
I can tell you one lesson I took away from that first marriage …
Trying to define how things “should be”, is the surest way to make you miserable about how things actually are.
Todd
Hiya Todd,
Those darn regrets creep up and knock couples upside the head many times huh? Wouldn’t it be great if everyone that got married actually took the time to be fully prepared for what marriage is really all about? More people would likely not get married so young, and perhaps even the divorce rates would drop dramatically.
The night before my first marriage, I almost backed out. I should have listened to that little voice and both of us would have had a better 4 years than we did, I reckon. My second has been going strong for 15 years and we work at it every day. Marriage is a fantastic place to be with 2 mature and thoughtful adults on the same page.
Hi Jed,
Marriage is not easy for anyone, and your experience highlights how many men and women feel about getting married, especially the doubts or regrets that happen with many couples.
It’s great that your second marriage is going much better for you than your previous one. Congrats!
Marriage is a teamwork where two people work together to make it work, with God in the center. Of course there are adversities along the way, as they say, just remember the vows you made on your wedding everytime you’re about to give it up.
Hi Jessica,
Unfortunately, many couples getting married (or are already married) are more concerned about having their OWN needs/wants/wishes met than caring about meeting the needs of their spouse. Much of society today focuses on “It’s all about me”, and that attitude permeates single and married couples alike. Selfishness is at the root of many failed marriages.
50-50. Regret and thankful too. Regret because he seems to be acting like a child as he grew older. Thankful because I have 6 wonderful and intelligent children.
It reminds me of the quote by Socrates..
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
LOL Raman! Finding a good husband can be tricky sometimes too.
I think the root base for any marriage should be trust. The results of this survey are really shocking and I feel this fact demands that both the parties must do a proper inquiry for each other.
Those are pretty abysmal statistics for marriage. Marriage is hard work, but all the more rewarding when you put forth the effort to create a healthy supportive relationship.
It’s interesting when these studies and statistics come out. The statistics in this study doesn’t surprise me at all. It’s pathetically comical when I hear people on occasion talking about their reasons for getting married, and even their reasons for getting engaged.
Lin, some of my friends said, “Marriage is a graveyard for a couple”, where I didn’t agree with it!
To me, I think it’s all about the humanity and loyalty of the couple. The married couple have a responsibility to keep the marriage long lasting…
Hi Wilson,
I’ve heard a few young people in recent weeks (ages 21, 23, 25) saying that when they get married, “If it doesn’t work out, I’ll just get a divorce”. Not even married yet but already having divorce as an option “if it doesn’t work out”. That is a recipe for failure and regret in marriage if there ever was one.
Heyyyy Lin,
It has been quite a while since I paid u a visit and woahh.. I was in for a huge surprise. The new site design… for a moment I thought I was someplace else and re-checked the URL
Congratulations for the new design. I’m sorry for commenting out of the topic but just couldn’t resist
Hi Janet,
Thanks much. The new site design has been planned for a little while now. Glad you realized you were in the right place.
I’m so glad I’m at the right place!
And yeah.. I even got to see how you look like!!
Anyways, many people think honesty should be an important element for a successful marriage. However, I feel that if being dishonest can save a marriage.. why not? There are many scenarios where honesty is not the best policy. What do you think?
Hi Janet, I believe being honest in a marriage is very important. I also believe there are ways of telling a husband or wife things in a such a way that is respectful, kind, loving, etc even when the news is not good. When there is dishonesty or blatant lying in a marriage, the marriage is damaged and trust is lost and hard to get back. I do believe that honesty is the best policy; it matters most HOW the honesty is being spoken to each other.
Marriage just doesn’t make much sense anymore. It stifles both men and women, and unless one is coming from a very severe religious place (evangelical, Taliban) it doesn’t offer healthy roles for men and women anymore. I’m rather glad to see that marriage is falling out of favor among the young–I think they’ll redefine human relations in a much better way. I’m excited to see what changes come up in coming decades.
Hi Kai,
Marriage is a wonderful thing for couples, but unfortunately too many go into marriage with unrealistic expectations, and far too many get married for the wrong reasons and end up regretting getting married within a short period of time.
I’ve just hit five years and have been very happy. But I married older in life and because I met the right guy. I think a lot of people get married because they panic when they hit a certain age, or because they think it’s “what they should do.” If more people paid attention to the power of small and listened to their gut, noticed things about their partner before they got married, and actually worked on their marriage doing all the little things that would make it successful, fewer people would have regrets.
Hi Cherie,
Many couples get married too young and have no idea what being married is really all about. There is also that “ticking biological clock” some women talk about, giving their desire to have children as the reason for getting married. Unfortunately, far too many people have unrealistic expectations of marriage and once the newness wears off after the honeymoon, there are numerous regrets to deal with.
I think marriage is great. And I am married to a great lady. I know she loves me, and I enjoy being with her. One MAJOR problem, however – it feels like we are not sexually compatible. I didn’t know (before we were married) that this would be so important to me. I had much more experience before her, and she is rather prude. She doesn’t even seem open minded to changing. So I fantasize a lot. I share with her, so as to not be deceitful, but it simply hurts her feelings that I have such an unfaithful heart (although I have not acted on it). We are stuck and this seems unsustainable… but I am very committed. Advice?
Trooper, sexual problems within a marriage is very common for married couples. One wants sex more often than the other; one wants “more adventurous” sex than the one who is more “old fashioned” and seemingly uninterested in an active sex life, just to name a couple of examples.
It’s interesting (and perhaps telling) that you say your wife loves you, but you didn’t use the word “love”, but only said you “enjoy being with her”. You don’t mention how long you two have been married, or if there are any children that may complicate an active/adventurous life.
Sex is very important within a marriage, and no one should ever downplay the importance of having an enjoyable, active, mutually satisfying sex life within marriage.
I always hate to use the word “prude” or “prudish” when it comes to discussing sex. As you said, you have had more experience with sex than your wife, before you were married. It’s important that you continue discussing your feelings, wishes and desires about sex with your wife. I can only imagine how your wife must feel deep inside hearing that you have been fantasizing about other women, but haven’t cheated. Yet.
From what you’ve said, it seems to me that your wife probably feels inadequate sexually, due to the fact that she’s less experienced, but there may also be things from her childhood or past that you’re not aware of that may have a lot to do with her perceptions of sex. A very strict religious upbringing, for example, can create in women a feeling that sex is “dirty” and not something to be enjoyed to the fullest and certainly not something a “good girl” would actively seek.
I would strongly recommend that, at least for now, that you not share your fantasies about other women with your wife. Of course it hurts her feelings. It’s important that you have a kind but frank discussion with your wife about how SHE feels about sex in general. Ask her kind and loving questions (be willing to hear the true answers even if it hurts your feelings) about any possible childhood experiences that may affect her feelings about sex. (Tip: If there is even the slightest chance that your wife may have been sexually abused as a child, that would be THE reason for the sexual problems you’re having right now).
If there is no history of such abuse, perhaps she needs kind and loving encouragement to muster up the courage to tell you explicitly what SHE needs sexually.
Excuse my frankness…but, show me a women who doesn’t like sex or doesn’t seem to ever want sex, and I’ll show you a women who hasn’t been truly satisfied sexually (barring a history of abuse). There, I said it.
A women who experiences the pleasure of all the focus and energies being on HER enjoyment of sex and HER complete satisfaction will have a husband who can’t get any rest at all, because she’s constantly going after her man for MORE.
Talk with her about what she needs and wants sexually, and if she coyly says ‘everything is just fine’ as far as she’s concerned (blah blah blah), I would almost bet that she’s one of millions of women who are nervous, uncomfortable and afraid to tell their husband that “things just ain’t happenin’ in the bedroom” the way he thinks and believes it is.
Surprise her with some undivided attention to only her needs, change up your own techniques a bit, be open to reading a book or two about making her “go crazy” (if ya know what I mean) and see if you don’t discover that you can’t get much sleep anymore.
Otherwise, I would suggest marital counseling to get to the bottom of the problems before it’s too late. Good luck!
Thanks for your very thoughtful response. You have so much insight… there were two issues you touched on: 1) her overall satisfaction 2) possible abuse in her past.
As far as the first one goes, my ego is not so big that I’m resistant to hearing it. I’ve asked on numerous occassions if there is anything I can do – if I should work out more, if I can do “this or do that”. I’m super open to learning, exploring, and helping her to be fully satisfied. But that does not seem to motivate her any. When we were first married, she was more “open”, and I would do things that would help her orgasm. Now, she won’t even let me do any of those things. She feels uncomfortable. You are dead on about the “dirty” comment in regards to a suppressive religious view of sex. Too much pleasure can make her feel guilty (very Catholic upbringing). This makes it hard to talk about sex, pleasure, or to read about it and learn. If I put on a romantic album, she might even comment that the song is perverted. So it’s very difficult for me to do anything without feeling judged myself – or without being made to feel that I’m just out for my own selfish needs. Whereas, that’s not even how I am – I really, sincerely seek to please. I think this should be a mutually satisfying experience.
In regards to the possibility of abuse – I’ve suspected that also. In fact, she once woke up from a bad dream and began to tell me about something that happened when she was a little girl. But since then, she won’t talk about it and she acts like I’m being silly if I bring it up. She dismisses it. On top of that, she barely rememebers anything before the age of ten. So I don’t even know what to do about that.
I’m not the best at “drawing her out”. Probably because, at this point, I can feel like she’s not interested in changing. She wants me to change… which to me seems like I’m suppose to suppress my sexuality. Obviously, I’m frustrated and a bit desperate (I’m writing on a blog). Again, thanks.
Hi Trooper,
I’m glad you didn’t take my response in such a way that made you feel attacked or blamed, as that is certainly not the way I feel nor should you.
Your wife’s dream about something that happened to her as a child says it all. She was abused in some way, probably sexually, and she’s terrified of talking about it. She likely hasn’t told anyone about her experience, and is keeping it a secret due to outright fear.
I’ve written quite a bit about sexual abuse on this site, and why people don’t tell they’ve been abused. More than likely, her abuser was someone she knows, and it may very well be a family member. Statistically, children that are sexually abused are most often victimized by a family member or close family friend, not a stranger.
I’ve also provided an article about books for those who have been sexually abused and for those who are related to or married to someone who was sexually abused, and how a healthy/active sex life after being abused is doable.
Why she isn’t willing to tell you about what happened to her as a child is also due to fear. Fear of how you MIGHT react, how you MIGHT feel about her, fear of what you MIGHT say or do if she reveals who abused her.
I really don’t feel that your wife actually wants you to change, even if she’s making it seem that way. She’s more than likely trying to deflect her own personal feelings and fears onto you, rather than facing the past as she needs to. Putting it all on you, or telling you this or that about not wanting sex or whatever… is a defense mechanism to protect herself from feeling emotionally hurt.
At this point, I would suggest taking a hard look at the articles about sexual abuse and the one that includes numerous books for victims of sexual abuse and those who love them. There is surely at least one of those that may help your wife feel safe and secure into talking to you (her own husband) about her experience, and the books that help victims realize there is definitely a wonderful sexual life after childhood sexual abuse.
Don’t give up on your wife, Trooper, this may very well be a test to your relationship and marriage, but it can be worked out with patience and love.
I definitely understand where you are coming from. Sex is very important in a marriage. Both partners should be open minded about trying things that satisfies each other. Also women need to realize that it is very rare that you get a guy who feels like they can open up to you and be honest about their struggles. Women need to realize that although they may not agree with how a guy feels, or even understand, that that is an outlet for men and it makes him feel good to be able to come to “his partner” and discuss his struggles. And Women wonder why men go outside the marriage to another woman and discuss these issues.
Womens libbers have destoyed marriage. Why in “GODS” name would any sane man sign a legal agreement that bankrupts and wrecks a life if a relationship doesn’t work. It’s a shit deal for the man if it doesn’t work out, but not necessarily for the woman. This has resulted in pre-nups to protect the man. Woman say, “this is about comitment”. BULLSHIT, if one is commited or not has nothing to do with post marriage asset raping. The lawyers than run the clock and promote fighting so they can bill the pants off both of you,thier goal is to have both parties disagree. Also, why should a man who has a job before marriage with a pension lose it later for not leaving when kids are were young. The decent guy pays for life, why stay ??? Basically marriage is a legally shit deal for the guy.
Marriage is often like a bad business acquisition. You think that by combining forces you will recognize various synergies and have higher combined growth potential. However, what you often get is a bad fit with an astronimical increase in financial and emotional overhead and your own pre-marriage “bottom line” is wiped out. Basically many people find out that the other person (an marriage in general) does not “add value” to the quality of their lives.
Do I regret getting married.
You bet I do. I’m 66 years old now and if I knew what I know now
I would never ever get married.
She is a good person and thats it. Not being married would mean I could do and go where ever I want without checking with my wife. I wouldn’t have kids, they don’t appreciate any thing.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to be free of married life.
We were crazy to get married.
I certainly regret getting married.
My wife grossly misrepresented her past to me, and the baggage that she carries from her wild lifestyle before I came along still causes problems. She portrayed herself as a religious, honorable person while we were dating. I wrote off her discomfort and dislike for sex during our honeymoon as nervousness and lack of experience, so you can imagine my horror in learning years later that she was used to much more “extreme” sexual encounters than I had been led to believe.
Four years into the marriage I learned about the credit card debt that she had built up and hidden from me. After that I learned about her yearning for old boyfriends, and her continuing contact with them.
We have great kids, and that is the sole reason that I stay married.
I hate her, but mostly I hate myself for being young and stupid and not looking at the warnings signs that are now so plainly evident.
I has been 1 week since I got married. I had to settle for an arranged marriage and my wife was chosen simply because she was the most desirable among the suitors. I knew beforehand that she had a tough character and there were hints that she would be extremely stubborn and bossy.
I got the biggest shock when she declared on our marriage night that she was going to bed as she was tired. We tried to have sex for the first time, 2 days ago and she simply killed my mood by using harsh words when I was trying to arouse her. After that incident, we tried again but she just lay like a rock and expected me to be aroused and also arouse her. Any way, I managed to penetrate her after many futile attempts at trying to find the right opening and she started screaming that it was painful and asked to stop soon. We didn’t discuss sex ever since. We also had our first fight when she publicly rebuked me because I was reluctant to eat at a restaurant of her licking and I was instead accused by her for being rude to her. I might have let he incident pass but then I don’t appreciate being humiliated in front of others.
I am concerned about this as my wife and I will be living apart for almost an year due to work commitment and I wounder whether we will get distant because of our difference in temperament. I have already put on hold plans to let her have any share in my assets until I see whether is any improvement in her behavior…..
I recently got married for the first time at the ripe age of 48. Looking at this thread, I was encouraged with the first set of posts. However, a couple of the more recent posts put a pretty bad taste in my mouth. I noticed a couple of things about these posts.
The first thing I noticed was that the poster seemed to be really concerned that they were not getting what they wanted out of the deal or that they were getting the short end of the stick. as mentioned earlier, once focus on what we want to “Get out of it” we become disappointed. I find comfort in the idea that a great marriage is all about sacrifice and that two mature, thoughtful and “Giving” adults can make it great. So often, I think that one or both spouses are takers and not givers.
The other thing I noticed was that the posters (particularly the males, of which I am one) were concerned that the legal agreement turns out to be a very raw deal for the male if it comes to a divorce. Quite frankly, I think this is true. I saw my brother go through a divorce and he is considerably worse off financially as a result.
That being said, I don’t think that this should deter marriage. I do think it should deter divorce. After much thought, my wife and I decided to include a prenuptial agreement. I have some slight misgivings about doing this but overall think it was the right way to go. Prenups are not foolproof and can be overturned in some circumstances. But they do offer some comfort that divorce is a somewhat equally losing proposition for both of you in the event of a divorce.
On an optimistic note, the goal is to sacrifice and give to the marriage so that it can thrive.
One last and final point. At the ripe age of 48, I found a great gal. Prior to her there were plenty of great dates but I do not believe that any of them would have been the right marriage partner. I have always maintained that you have to choose very carefully when it comes to a spouse. It can make all the difference in the world. Choosing the wrong partner is going to decrease the quality of our lives over the longterm. Choosing the right one might just increase the quality. So a very important choice and one to give time and consideration to.