Empty nest syndrome refers to the feelings of sadness, grief, depression, loneliness, emptiness and loss when children grow up, leave for college, get married, or leave home to live on their own. “Empty-nesters” can either be mothers or fathers, but mothers are primarily the ones who have difficulty dealing with or coping with an empty nest when children begin leaving home to live their lives as adults.
What do I do now?, What can I do now?, are questions empty-nesters commonly ask before, during or after learning their children are leaving home, since parents have spent most of their lives focused on raising children, caring for the home and family, until suddenly the kids are gone.
Are you an empty-nester? Are your children leaving home to head off to college? Are your children getting married soon, moving away or getting their own home? Is your son or daughter leaving home soon, leading you to ask yourself, What do I do after my children leave home?
Empty Nest Syndrome
First, let me say, Congratulations! Give yourself a big pat on the back for having raised your children in such a way that you’re not dealing with adult children living at home years after kids should have left home and begun living their lives as full grown, successful, independent adults.
You have taught your children how to be an adult, and you should be congratulated! You have cut the apron strings by letting go, and the “tied to his mother’s apron strings” quote doesn’t apply to you in regards to your son or daughter leaving home. Trust me, you don’t want to deal with the “revolving door syndrome” so common in today’s society. Good for you!
If you are trying to deal with an empty nest now, or will be an empty-nester sometime soon, please understand you’re not alone. Many moms and dads are trying to cope with empty nest feelings and emotions just like you are, and no two people deal with stressful situations like this the same way, so patience, understanding and empathy are important.
What Do I Do Now? What Can I Do Now?
What do I do after my children leave home? There are many things you can do, should do or need to do now that your children have left home and you are alone at last. It’s time to change your focus on being a parent and the responsibilities of parenting children still living at home, and direct your time and energies towards other things you can do that bring you enjoyment, pleasure and a sense of fulfillment.
Ask yourself, if you could do it all over again, what are some “coulda, shoulda, woulda” things you wish you had done before getting married or before having children? The answer to “What do I do now” is that you now have time to take a life inventory on yourself and start doing the things you have always wanted to do but never could before.
It’s time to get busy! Put your thinking cap on and get those creative juices flowing, and come up with a “What I Can Do Now” list now that the kids are grown and gone. Go back to school to get your high school diploma, or get the college degree you always wanted. Rekindle the romance with your spouse and fire up your marriage by spending time together and bringing back the fun and excitement experienced when you were dating or before the kids came along.
Do some volunteer work; find a new hobby; join an active online support group for encouragement. Travel! Take a cruise, rent an RV and stay at RV parks while traveling, or check out the cost of Flights and buy a plane ticket to visit places you’ve always wanted to see but couldn’t. (I recommend the Philippines) Learn a new language! You can do what I’m doing and learn spanish online, or you can learn japanese online or any other language you have wanted to learn but never had the time.
Or, here’s an idea for you and it’s completely FREE! I bet, after raising your children, you probably have lots of interesting mom, dad, grandpa or grandma stories to tell. Why not start a free blog and write stories about whatever topics you are passionate about? If you’re wondering what is a blog, you’re reading a “blog post” right now about Empty Nest Syndrome. Get it?
Are you dealing with empty nest syndrome? What are some things you have found that helped you cope with your children leaving home? What is on your What I Can Do Now list? Share your ideas, suggestions, tips and advice in the comment section below.
I guess empty nest syndrome is quite synonmous to post retirement time where u suddenly find all the time in the world to do things that you never got time for!
You’ve pointed out some interesting methods to help the elders to kill their time, Lin. I hope they are going to take your advices here!
The question of What do I do now? is quite common, especially for mothers, but dads also struggle sometimes when children leave home to head off to college or get married etc. Hopefully these suggestions will help some of these folks realize there is still a lot of living to do even though the kids are gone and out of the house. I say, live it up!
I’m afraid that you don’t really get it. “Kill our time?” That’s insulting. We don’t want to fill our lives with meaningless distractions.We are losing our sense of being connected! Without connections, there is no one to enjoy these extra little hobbies with, and so they lose their meaning
We feel abandoned, imprisoned, miserable, and stuck that way – and who cares? Look at what our culture has taught our young people – abort a baby because its life is an inconvenience. And that is what we feel like – suddenly an inconvenience to those we have lovingly served for 20 or more years. It’s just not fair, and more than that, it is a deep emotionaly wound that only the people who are abandoning us could heal.
I totally agree with you!! its like we no longer count. When we aren’t needed we are forgotten and not included in the little things in their lives. It hurts deeply. I pray one day the pain will stop.
Ahhh I know how you guys feel but I don’t think that is what Lin meant at all… I remember leaving my kids on the first day of school. I think it was more like first grade for my son and the very first day of pre-school for my daughter. Two separate times when the memories of tears was so prevalent. But when I sat in my daugher’s orientation for her Drama school and knew that I was leaving her in Los Angeles, Hollywood to be exact! It was a whole different ball of wax. Talk about fear! My daughter and her new roommate danced around the empty high rise apartment with their whole lives in front of her. In a way, she had been my life. Or being a wife and then a mom, raising my kids… had kind of been my dreams come true. Talk about a pink slip hitting you upside the head when I drove away.
I had kissed my daughter goodbye when I heard that there was going to be a Pizza party that evening as a student orientation. She had sweetly invited me to stay for it… But I saw that she had already made new friends and would be okay. I knew she was totally okay if I had stayed but I looked around and only saw a few straggling moms left and hugged her tight and told her to have fun. The tears I cried that day were reminiscent of the ones I cried when I left her at pre-school so many years ago and yet very different. I was happy that I had raised such a wonderful young woman so full of life and ready to conquer the world. I was going to miss her but I knew it was time for me to conquer the second chapter of my life. I have always wanted to write. And now I am working on a book, I work full time and look forward to the time when I can “just” wrirte. Life is full of stages,,, this is just another one… but five years ago… you couldn’t have told me that. Today… I get it and I am just fine and you will be too… I promise. Give yourself time…it’s gonna be okay.
Diane, I’m right there with you. Several months before my now 32-year-old son was getting ready to leave for basic training for the Air Force, I too, started reliving my memories of his early childhood days, first day of kindergarten when he chose to ride the bus, so excited….while I waved him off with tears rolling…then got in the car & followed the bus to school to walk him into class. Going to Texas for his graduation was such a proud moment, but heartwrenching, my baby was now a man. I made a conscious effort to “cut the apron strings” and not smother him, but oh, was it difficult at times! Prime example: three days before 9-11 happened he flew overseas to an unknown “need-to-know” location…and of course, “Mom” didn’t fall into the catagory of “need to know.” He’s now stationed in WY.
In five days, my husband will be driving a rental truck & car hauler with two more of my most precious gifts, my 25-year-old son and my just graduated from college 23-year-old son are both leaving home…one is transferring jobs to NC, and his brother is then headed on to Texas with all his worldly possessions. My husband is going to see them both unloaded and then fly home. Will I once again be at the door waving them off…with tears rolling? Without a doubt. But, I have learned these last 13 years, that this is the natural progression of life. I’ve taken great joy and pride in seeing my children grow into kind, compassionate, respectful adults who are ready to go out into the world and contribute to our society in a meaningful way.
Is my “work” finished? Not quite, I still have one son at home getting ready to start college this fall. But, like you, I feel as if my 2nd chapter is now beginning! It’s now “my” turn. I’m excited to what new opportunities await. I’m looking forwarding to having time alone with my husband, to look into each other’s eyes and get to know one another all over again! Time to do all the things that I’ve put off while I was devoting all my time and energy to my precious charges. Take up a hobby, volunteer, spend time with family and friends, travel, sure (I’ll have children scattered across the country, what better reason!?!) Time to simply sit on the back porch with the sun shining warmly down and listen to the birds sing in the morning and to thank God for all the blessings throughout my life and those yet to come. I feel sure grandbabies are in my future!
My 32-year-old son…that rode that bus all by himself the first day of kindergarten, he’s coming home to OH to get married to a wonderful young woman in October. He’s starting a new chapter of his own…again, the natural progression of life. And I’m going to be right here living every minute of it like I have these last many years.
Don’t waste precious time mourning the loss of your children…remember how quickly those years flew by? We haven’t “lost” them, they have simply done what what we raised them with such love and devotion to do. Diane is right, give yourself time…it’s gonna be okay.
I had my daughter very young and now she is leaving to study in Spain. Its hard for me to realize she is leaving because it hurts me just thinking about it. I am going to travel to Japan and I have plans but sometimes I see things like a old movie she used to watch all the time and I feel such a longing for those times. I guess I am just sad at times because most people start families at my age(33) and I am done.
Caroline,
The feelings you are experiencing are very normal. The fact that you started a family younger than perhaps others did allows you that many more years of being able to travel and enjoy doing the things you like doing. Rather than starting those things at a point where age starts taking its toll on the things you can do and how quickly you can do them, you are able to enjoy many years of creating and experiencing opportunities than older people may not be able to experience because age and health issues may be limiting them. Enjoy the years you have Caroline, and keep in mind that the movie that plays in your head is just part of the movie of your life, not all of it. There is much more to add to it yet.
Empty nest has hit me really hard. My oldest daughter (now 25) left and that wasn’t bad because I still had my twins at home. Now, all of the girls are gone and my mother passed away in October. It’s like what am I suppose to do now? I’m trying to decide what I am suppose to be now that I am not a daughter and my own daughters don’t need a “mom” any more. Two of them live a 12-hour drive away.
Hi Becky
Reading your comments were exactly as I am feeling. I have 2 groen girls. My oldest daughter and son are moving with my grandkids about 1300 miles from me. My husband is deceased and no other family. My grandson 17, practicaly lived with me until a few years back. My grandaughter and I were not as close, but she still comes over alot.
I cant really afford to visit them when they move. I have been diagnosed with some cardiac problems and drs visits and meds arent cheap. My other daughter is close by, but she has her life and boyfrend.
I didnt remarry thinking it would be better for the kids growing up. So any savings was spent on them. I am now more of a fixed income than they are. And my plans to finally get married were ended when I could not bring myself to move 600 miles away from my family
I keep thinking of all the things I should have done differently. Silly as it may seem, I am so very sad. Not seeing the grandkids school functions and just generally being there for them is tearing me up. I have never felt so useless and lonely as I do now
Again, what do I do with me?
Hi Patti – gee, I’m glad I thought to google this issue! I’m having all these same feelings, too, and they are so strong sometimes I don’t think I have any emotional energy to build a “new life”. I home schooled my two girls, so we were really close, longer than most moms as I was so involved with managing every aspect of their lives. I keep thinking – this is so unfair! But, do I really want to stay in this role for the rest of my life? No. But I don’t expect to be abandoned either!
Patti, I don’t understand WHY your older daughter would move so far away given your circumstances. Is she just blind to what you are feeling and going through? I don’t hide my feelings from my girls because I think I have a right to be a real person – I’m not a vending machine that they can just take, take, take – emotionally or financially. Our culture has changed to view parents as DISPOSABLE, but Jesus didn’t think that way. Even when dying, He made plans for His mother to be cared for.
Are you willing to move with your elder daughter’s family? They have grandkids and your younger daughter does not sound so settled….if you are reluctant to bring up the subject, at least let them know how depressed you are and that you are worried about how you will adjust to being alone. Then, think about going to a counselor and invite your daughters to go along. Get someone else to speak for you if you can’t summon the courage to speak for yourself!
God bless!
Awww Becky, I feel just the same way. My parents are still living, but they are going to leave me soon
I am a middle child, and having my parents behind me and my children before me has been a cozy zone to be in. Now I am about to lose them both. I feel lost because I like to be defined relative to serving those I love – a daughter and a mother. I know other people need someone to help them, other people are lonely and depressed, but without the familial connection, I can’t imagine any real consolation in engaging them. Even though I want to serve others with God’s love, from my “almost alone” side of the equation it seems that they would just be a distraction to my root lonliness, I don’t want to distract myself to death – is there any hope for making new connections that are truely meaningful?
I feel the same way as you..Anything else is to me a useless distraction. I am not able to handle my son moving out. I enjoyed being a mom, it gave me a purpose..I enjoyed DOING for my kids..Now, nothing matters..I dont know what to do..I cant stand this void in my life.
I feel like a shell too. I can’t muster up even the smallest level of happiness. I feel like we failed. I thought we taught the kids that family is the root system of the tree. Sure I expected them to branch off, forge their own lives but I thought that FAMILY would still play a role. So when my middle child, the daughter I have always been closest to in many ways dropped them bomb she was moving several states away I was crushed. The root system wasn’t enough to keep the tree alive I guess.
I have my other 2 and I am down on my knees grateful for them and their proximity but it’s like having an incomplete set,when the 2 are here the missing third is all the more missed. WE all will miss her. I don’t want to fill my life with craft circles, scrapbooking and a cute little dog. I’m a Mom, I thought that mattered more then it does. I bristle each time someone well meaningfully says..Oh She’ll be back some day…will she? Why when the only thing to come back to is the thing that couldn’t keep her around to begin with…us.
Becky I totally feel what you’re going through. My youngest just moved out. My two girls have been out for a while. Although they all live here near me at times you still feel like a third wheel in their lives and more like their obligation than their parent. I AM very thankful they live close though. I am watching grandkids grow up. But what do you do when all you know to do is be a mom then suddenly you’re retired and it’s “involuntary”? I went through not even wanting to clean, decorate or do anything because I thought what’s the use, no one will see it anyways. It’s very difficult. If you ever need someone to talk to, email me or find me on facebook.
Tammy
My daughter got married in June and my son got married this month and my other son left home about two weeks ago. All this in one year. I feel so sad. I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life. I am 56 years old.
Sandra
I know exactly how you must feel. I am your age. And I think I let go of many friends because of doing things with my family and grandkids. Or I know how this is making me feel. To have your kids the center of your life, as they should be, and then they move on. How do we move on.
My son just left today to live on the other side of the states. I thought I was going to be excited to the extra room for an office, and have more money, etc, But I feel really sad.
Does anyone have an idea on about how long the depression will last?
Julie, it all really depends on you. The busier you keep yourself with things you enjoy doing the easier it will be. Your son just left today so it’s natural you’d feel a sense of sadness today and even for a few days more. If you don’t have some hobbies that will occupy your mind and time and keep you busy, start looking for some hobbies to enjoy. Crafting, needlepoint, crocheting, painting, sewing, volunteering, etc. Lots of people I know have begun making homemade craft projects that they give as gifts for Christmas, birthdays etc, and some have even started their own online blog to showcase their magnificent craft works and have been selling them online.
I’m a 25 year old stay at home Mom to my three year old daughter and I’m already terrified of her moving out. I want her to live with me forever but I know that she will want to have her own place one day, and I want her to too, but if she moves more than 15 or 3o minutes away I would be very very sad. If she moves an hour away or more I would definately be moving to be closer to her. Does this sound like I’m obsessed?
I can only symphathize with you Jenny because I too never wanted my youngest to leave…we were so close that I thought I was going to have to go UP to the school and FEED her lol… she now is the last getting ready to leave( of four)…love her but I know if she doesn’t leave…she will never actually have a real chance to “grow up”.
Thanks Samantha. Hopefully I’ll grow up in the next 2 years so I won’t have a nervous breakdown when she goes to kendergarten. I’m pregnant now so I’m wondering does empty nest syndrome get any better when you have another child? I mean does it take your mind off your first child a little since you have another little one to love? Or is it double as hard?
Hi Jenny;
I’m afraid it doesn’t get any better with another child. My two children are six years apart and my first is on his way out the door in about two years. That seems like a bit of time but with as quick as we got here I know it’s just a blink away and I’m trying not to blink. Life is a constant transition and as much as children tug at our hearts these letting go periods will be the toughest transitions.
I’m also dreading her going to kendergarten. I try to get her excited about it, and at times she really does get excited but I start tearing up just talking about it because I’m already missing her. We’re going to be away from eachother so much, I can’t even keep it together when she stays overnight with my Mom, I’m crying right after I drop her off.
Hello ladies;
I came searching for some comfort tonight with being faced of owning up to the fact that I’m in beginning stages of empty nest with my first born.
And what I end up hearing is a lot of lonliness here and my heart goes out to each of you and even me as I well up inside at the prospect of my first one out the door. I can see I am not alone.
These are some tough questions, “what do we do now?” ” how long will this feeling last?”. I wish there were easy answers but I don’t think there are.
I would very much be interested in hearing more of what you are thinking. So maybe we can discuss, what can we do for ourselves to help us through this transition?
Hi. I am a stay-at-home father because my wife was in a terrible accidnet. MY son just left for the service. He was my whole life. What is left now? The pride I feel in raising him is overwhelmed by soorow, loss, and despair. There is nothing else. I imagine that time will ease the pain some. I think about all the things that I did not do with him, like when I didn’t want to ride bikes in the summer heat, or watch the car shows with him. But I did so very much else.
These are feelings at odds indeed. I experience the same. Pride from the man he is growing into then sorrow for the child he is no longer and each is intense and both bring tears for me. (Secret: major embarrassment for the kids.)
Do we ever reach a new norm? I would venture to say no since life is in constant transition and nothing stays the same. The address can stay the same but what happens inside the residence is a constant flow of life, always moving, always changing.
Thanks Ryan for sharing your son with us to serve our nation!!
I logged on to this site this morning because my last child is now leaving home to travell 7hours away from me and im heartbroken….she isnt leaving for 2 weeks and i am crying every day just thinking about it…my son left 7years ago but is only 2hours away and comes home once or twice a year….my daughter has always been my strength and rock when he leaves with her advice and reasoning on whats best for him and how i should understand its what he wants and should be no reflection on me as a mom…she has spent hours and days trying to get me to focus now on doing things for myself when shes gone and the advice she has given me is to appreciate the fact that they are not leaving me as a person..they are leaving to improve themselves and see more of the world and experience other things and what i’m feeling isn’t wrong but its a bit selfish to expect them to stay and live the life i want for them not what they want for themselves…she has lived with me 21years and is my best friend…i don’t want to let her down but this is breaking my heart as i see it is doing to other parents..i raised my kids alone after splitting with their dad 13years ago..i have no partner to turn to…i have a fixed income so cant travel and where i live there isn’t a lot of opportunity to do much self improving….some advice would be great
Hi Denise,
I’m so sorry this change in life’s circumstances has been so upsetting for you. Even though parents know throughout all the years kids are growing up that they will one day leave the home and move on with their adult lives, it’s very common for parents (especially mothers) to feel heartbroken and devastated emotionally when that day actually approaches. The feelings you’re experiencing are normal and quite common. The question you will eventually have to ask yourself is, what am I going to do with myself now? You really have two choices. One is positive and the other isn’t. What you’re feeling right now is the sadness and sorrow of the loss of the growing up years, the years you spent raising and teaching your children how to be productive adults. Job accomplished! The sadness and even tears are a normal part of the changing phase in your life, and your children’s lives. What you choose to do with yourself now may require some deep soul searching. Expanding your horizons and focusing on yourself and things you’d like to do that bring you happiness and joy and a sense of accomplishment is at your fingertips. You just have to figure out what those interests are. Getting past this stage and looking forward to the future doesn’t have to include travel; that’s just one of the many options available for parents who are able to and want to. Only you can decide for yourself what opportunities you would like to check into, whether it’s volunteering somewhere to help other people (which helps alot to take your mind off of yourself and your own feelings and focuses your energies on helping others), or getting involved with a whole variety of craft projects, gardening, painting, pottery, etc. There are many many things you could start doing that you may have never done before or even thought of trying, but you won’t discover you actually enjoy doing _________ until you focus your time and energies on it. Your daughter is right. In some ways, you’re experiencing a sort of grief, and anyone who has gone through that knows that putting one foot in front of the other and doing things that take your mind off your woes, and helping other people in some way, helps the grieving person move on with their lives. Life doesn’t stop when kids grow up and leave the home – life just changes. You must decide what your life will consist of now besides the kids. It’s your turn now to focus on you and what you want out of the rest of your life. Go out and grab it! Put one foot in front of the other, every single day, and see what life has to offer you.
My daughter has left for the Marine Corp in a State that is a 9 hour flight for me and my son is preparing to leave for College to Major in Music. The last 20 years is all I lived and breathed. I have come to this fork in the road …all I was and have done was for them….I am having a hard time even trying to figure out what my favorite color is or what do I want or like to eat. I find myself having a hard time even wanting to give myself time to figure it out. Re-training one’s own thoughts is a very difficult thing to do. I find that this grief, this pain is a real emotional rollercoaster ride that only lessens when I think of how proud I am of them. One day at a time……
Well written! One of my favorite lines that I use is that being a full-time parent is the only job that (if you’ve done it well) you expect to get fired. I am a big time believer in coaching as a way to find your path again. So many times we Moms fail to keep up with our own interests, even to the point of forgetting what they are! I wrote a post of my 7 best tips for coping when your child leaves home that may also be of interest to your readers: Kirsten Cameron
I feel for all of you and the advice to start change now and find new things to do with your life is very good. However, I know it’s not that easy. I had 3 boys and went into depression after the last one left home. After a few years it got better and I started ball room dancing which was a lot of fun and I met a lot of nice people. Then I met my new husband and moved 3,000 miles away from my kids. I love my husband and he’s such a great person to have in my life, but it’s so hard to get out of the funk I get into about not seeing my kids. I think they are upset with me because when I go back the relationship is strained and I can’t seem to connect except with my youngest. My oldest picked 2 fights with me while I was home over christmas. I’ve been home less than a week and I am home sick from work, depressed and lots of things I ‘could’ do but no energy to do them. I did get out to my exercise class last night so that was great. I sure feel for all of you. One bit of advice for those moms who are already experiencing empty nest and their kids are babies….. first is to ensure you keep some of your own hobbies and interests. Get a babysitter once a week and make it ‘you’ time. second advice is to not think about it and enjoy each moment you are with your children NOW! The time does fly by and every great experience you give them, every moment you create that is warm and loving towards them will come back to you later on and will add to your sense of fulfulment once they are gone. You might not want to move far away though… this is not working so well for me yet. Though it did help my kids to all become way more independent in their lives. PS There is always foster care, becoming a big sister or brother or getting a new fur baby! Thanks for letting me share, wish I was still waiting for my kids to go to kindergarten, please enjoy, it’s such a magical time!
Lin,
Thank you for your empty nest article. I’m facing my only daughter leaving and moving to another state 6 hours away. It breaks my heart. I started searching for some advise to help me cope. When I came across your article I was actually able to stop crying for a bit. Thank you. For me it’s not an issue of what will I do with my life now. I have lots of things I can do that I don’t have time for now and am looking forward to. It’s not an issue about no longer being a caregiver. For me, the issue is that I’m very close to my daughter. I know that when she’s gone and with the distance between us I will realistically only see her maybe twice a year if I’m lucky. Not being able to see her on a regular basis and being able to do things together. Not being able to see the precious funny faces she makes. Not getting the wonderful crunching hugs only she can give. Seeing the future and the looming possibility that the closeness we share will fade because of the distance. That is what is breaking my heart. I know with today’s technology we can still stay in touch like never before, but … yeah. I was wondering if you or anyone else had any helpful thoughts to share. Thanx
Hi Darcy,
I understand what you’re saying. The closeness you and your daughter have for each other is a beautiful thing. You should feel very proud of your daughter as she goes off into the world, that you’ve prepared her for throughout her growing up years, and now she’s a little bird about to test out her wings. Good for you mom!
To stay in close contact with my own grown children who live several states away, I make regular use of Skype video calls. Skype is great, especially when using a webcam, so we can actually see each other as we’re talking versus just hearing each other’s voices on the telephone. Seeing my small grandchildren on the skype video is something I absolutely adore. I highly recommend downloading Skype to your computer (it’s a free download), and getting a good but inexpensive webcam to hook onto your computer monitor, and make sure your daughter does the same. You can arrange for “chat night” with your daughter, once or twice a week, but don’t push it hahaha. The webcam I have cost me no more than $30.00. Cheap and it works great! You can see her precious funny faces she makes every time you talk with her on Skype. You can get “virtual hugs” and virtual kisses from her, and from you to her, until those times when it can be shared in person.
Darcy, the closeness you share now with your daughter can be maintained with some effort. However, if or when the time comes that your daughter gets married, has children of her own etc, the closeness you two share will STILL be a great and beautiful thing, but she will of course have to focus more of her time and attention on her spouse, her children, her responsibilities as wife and mother. Just like you surely did when you married. The closeness will still be shared, but there will be differences due to the fact that she’s grown up and a woman now with her own life, dreams, goals, responsibilities etc.
For me, I can CHOOSE to be sad and depressed and cry my eyes out at the distance between me and my grown kids and grandchildren. Or, I can CHOOSE to be ever so happy for them, proud of their accomplishments, happy and proud that they’re all doing well and are so happy in their lives whether with a significant other or as single adults living out their goals and dreams. I choose the latter, and my kids are better off for it. My motherly role of caring for, loving and nurturing them as they grew up is finished, but my role in their lives is not over. It’s just different now, and I’m enjoying this part of my role as their mother so much with them being adults now. Hang in there, it’s going to be great. Get Skype and get yourself and your daughter a webcam and give it a test run before she leaves town if possible, and allow your daughter to figure out what day/evening/weekend etc will work best into her schedule to have say….an hour (?) Skype Video Chat time with mom. Enjoy!
Lets see, hmm, I choose depression. My husband wants me to get a job or go to some stupid technical school to learn a trade. “There is high demand in the service industry”. I have been in the service industry for the last 30 years! We are also in between moves. He took a job out of state, so I am here trying to sell yet another house and everything else by myself of course. he originally said to go and find something I wanted to do and I did. I enrolled in culinary school. I thought that I might like to write a cookbook and thought I would rev up my skills. I am unable to stand for long periods of time or work the kind of hours that a chef works so he hates that I am doing this. “Your going to school just to learn new cooking techniques for us?” He is not supportive, although he says he is. I guess he just thinks I have had a party the last 30 years and now I need to go out and work like him, er, I mean like a dog which is the only thing I am qualified to do. We decided 30 years ago that HE would be the one to go to college because HE could make more money, so I quit school and so began my imprisonment. While I loved bringing up our children and he did everything possible to keep me from returning to work over the years when I was frustrated with staying home, now he can’t wait to get me out working because, and I quote, “I don’t get to do what I want to do.” He has a career, he has drug us around the country for THAT job while I always brought up the rear one to three years later, but I did not work the last 30 years because I made no income. Meanwhile, here I am, mad, crying, depressed, miserable, etc. My health has sucked the last three years, breast cancer (double mastectomy), foot surgery, hand surgery and to make matters worse, I also am lucky to have otosclerosis (hearing loss). I am not in the best shape to go out and work and all my husband says is “well, how do all the other women who had breast cancer go to work everyday”. I am still very much in love with my husband, I just want him to be in love with me again. If it were not for my four awesome boys, I would probably just check out but I love them too much to do that. Oh and one more thing, I have been with my husband moving around since I was twenty and as an army brat before that so I have a couple of friends in different states but no one here and no close friends at all. Also, I really think he is being mean to me to somehow as a “payback” for not “being there” for him when he lost his job last year. He found another one better than the one he lost. At the end of the day I felt that he brought it on himself and he was miserable there anyway. So he does not need me, except to unload the house, pay the bills, get a job, etc. And the kids don’t really need me. Yep, I’m pretty darn miserable and it is all my fault.
Dear “I wanna be happy”
What happened with your move? Did you end up back in school? I can appreciate where your at
when you’ve been a stay at home mom for years. Husbands can’t always understand the loneliness and anxiety that are the downside to what I think is the world’s greatest job. Sounds like you’ve served your family over the years and are due for a good pick-me-up. Don’t bottle up all of your feelings ( you sound like you might take off like a rocket.) Consider taking to a councilor (google these your local church or community may have a free one if money’s an issue. Also try prayer, God is a great way to vent feelings, get comfort and advise special tailored to you. I wish you the best!
hi there I came across this web site because I was so upset with my life just now. We lost our business, my mother died and I was so busy then I did not have time to grieve. Now my youngest son is leaving home for University and I am lost. I have no job, my family are all doing there own thing my husband is as depresssed as I am and we just don’t know where to turn. yes so many things we can be doing, but they are so meaningless. I want my mother back, I want my family back to make sunday lunches for and special occassions. Nothing seems to have any meaning anymore.
I am a survivor! Five years ago… my last baby flew from my nest. I remember dreading this time of year back then. I could barely enjoy the last few months she was home, just being so sad that she was leaving. But I love that you say congratulations and look at it as a triumph, reaching this place as a goal like trophey. You are right! If anyone is in the place of sending off their kidlet to college, a pat on the back IS in order!
Yesterday I moved my son into his first permanent apartment six hours away. He has been attending school for the past two years far away but always was home for summer and holidays. This year he is not going to be home for the summer and I am looking at it that he now “lives” there unlike just going to school there. I am feeling the empty nest all over again when truthfully I probably never have recovered from the initial bout with it two years ago.
I have been a single mom since I was 23; I am now 40. Taking care of him and arranging my life around his needs has been all that I have known. I was not a full adult when he was born and I had not truly developed interests and hobbies before he was born so I do not know what to go back to doing. I was a troubled teenager with drinking and drug problems; no healthy hobbies. Now I find myself sadly staring at the television with my two dogs night after night after night.
I am currently unemployed for the past 3 months which has made this even worse this time. I am not having a lot of adult interaction now that I am off of work. I am looking for a job but haven’t had a lot of luck yet as I live in a terribly small southern town with not a lot of employment opportunities. I will be attending college in the fall as I have been working on acquiring my degree for the past 3 years. Eighteen more months and that will be finished and then I will have even more free, empty time.
I have specific questions for you, Lin, which I have found to be problems for me. For example, I would love to have a strong support group of friends. How does one go about making friends as an adult? I have found it much, much harder to accomplish than when I was young as most people my age are still raising families and don’t have a lot of free time. Again, I am in a small town that doesn’t have a lot of resources for singles; in addition I discovered I am a lesbian about 8 years ago and am proud of who I am, but it makes it difficult for me to seek women out for merely friendship as I am scared they will take it as something else when all I want is a best friend. It also limits my ability to find support in church as most of the churches around here ARE NOT LGBT friendly.
My other question is how do I find hobbies? I have no idea where to start. My funds are limited at this time so I can’t just jump onto a cruise ship. I could do needlework and such, but I would really like to find hobbies which bring me into the presence of other people so I can make friends. Right now, I need friends more than anything…going days without human interaction is the absolutely worst of the empty nest syndrome as I didn’t know better in my younger days than to let my friends fade away and depend on my son for friendship. I now find myself wishing for a group of friends to go to dinner with and just talk more than anything. Any suggestions any of you could give on how to accomplish building these relationships would be great!!!
For me personally, finding hobbies hasn’t been hard to do. I just recently started home canning fruits, veggies and meats, and have begun posting some articles here about home canning. I just posted one on the home page yesterday. I didn’t know that I’d like and enjoy canning at home until I actually did it the first time. Now I’m hooked. Finding hobbies often requires trying something new that you might not think you’ll enjoy or that you’re good at doing, but once you actually begin doing it, it’s a lot easier to see if you want to continue. I’m having a blast doing the home canning, and I am anxious for weekends to arrive to so I can do more.
Is there a local recreation center within a reasonable distance from your home that offers various classes to learn how to do stuff? That can be a great start. There are also many Facebook groups on all sorts of hobbies that you can join for free to get some inspiration on different crafts or hobbies. I have a great time doing different crafts, some sewing and some that don’t require sewing at all. I’ve made many “handtied throw blankets” out of fleece fabric, which requires no sewing at all, so it’s very easy to do and fun to give as very inexpensive gifts, or just for the fun of doing them.
You can also look online for what kinds of groups there might be in your local area, even if it means driving a little distance from your home to attend free or cheap classes to learn how to do stuff.
Wow…to find out how many people are going through the same thing. It does help. It gives some hope.
My youngest son left once, called me at 2am crying and said he needed to come back home. I work 12 hour midnight shifts but left at 6am for the 2 hour drive to pick him up. I went through the expense of paying for him, my daughter, my husband and I to make the 12 hour drive to see my parents for 10 days. For the first time since he’d left I felt my family was complete again. Once we hit our home state border he asked me to drop him off in the city so he could go see the ex girlfriend again. When I refused he went nuts. Screamed at me for almost an hour, calling me an idiot and telling me what a horrible mother I was. Yesterday he apologized, crying once again. But also told me he is eventually planning to move back to the ex girlfriends. Needless to say it’s been a terrible rollercoaster.
I entertained the idea of moving closer to my parents, thinking I could take care of them. But my two brothers at 48 and 51, both live with her. Usually when I’m there I feel like I don’t belong at all.
I have a full time career. I am married. I too have had a hard time thinking of what my hobby choices might be. Until now my answer was to pack everything in and move away from everyone. To hide more or less. I realized my friends were all my kids friends, my life was trully revolved around their every move. Today, I realize I need to look harder and find an answer. Thank you, everyone. I feel your pain, my heart is broken. But I see I need to move on.
I’m 57 years old with 2 daughters, ages 21 and 16. My older daughter has left home and is out on her own. She works as a waitress – she’s good at it and likes her job – and lives in a group situation with her boyfriend and a group of friends. My younger daughter is 16 and a junior in high school. She is an artist and plans to attend art school when she graduates and study animation and voice characterization. I’m already dreading her leaving home 2 years from now. She and I are very close, and I’ll be lost without her here to watch crazy stuff on TV with. My relationship with my older daughter has had rough spots in the past. She is a diabetic, and her teen years were difficult because of that. We have a nice, cordial relationship, but it’s not as close as I wish it could be. There are so many things I wish I had said and done when she was younger. I feel very sad now that I hurt her and wish I could make it up to her. I worry about her because of the diabetes and wonder if she’s taking care of herself properly, even though she looks fine. Over the past 10 days I have been weeping constantly, thinking obsessively about her infancy and remembering the days right after I brought her home from the hospital. I cried and cried last night thinking about rocking her to sleep and nursing her, about her learning to walk, about her waving to me out the window of the bus on her first day of school. (All this while the strains of “Baby Mine” from Disney’s Dumbo run through my head.) I’m also having nostalgic, teary flashbacks to my own childhood, remembering playing in the backyard of my old house. And what started all this seemed to be when, 10 days ago, I had all my upper teeth pulled. I’ve been going through this while adjusting to a denture. (Before I left the dentist’s office, I looked wistfully at my pulled teeth. Is it possible to grieve for teeth?)
I know it would be good to “do something for myself”, but I’m afraid that our financial situation is so tight we can’t do much. I can’t really talk to my husband because he obsesses about the finances all the time. I’m really dreading not having the girls around because he doesn’t talk about anything except the mortgage and the bills that have to be paid. He’s gone most of the time anyway, working 2 jobs. We’ve had to spend a lot of money just getting my teeth taken care of.
Does anyone have any ideas?
As a mother it is hard work, always beening there for our children.
I have 2 boys and their partners living at home with me. This week 2 had move away, and the other two are on holidays.
I am happy for them, don’t get me wrong, it nice to see that our kids are making their way in life.
But I feel lost, it is like time has almost stop. no longer that rush here, doing that.
Now I just wait to see how long it takes them to contact me.
As a friend said, when the kids become parents they become close contacted to the family again.
Its life.
IS there hope?
I kind of wonder. I have been reading pages and pages and although a few seem to have gotten through, I read a lot of stories of parents, mostly mothers still grieving years later. I guess we’re just the pathetic ones who poured too much into the vessal and now have to walk around empty.
My oldest daughter is 28 and lives 4 hours away. My 2nd daughter is now 21 and in her 4th year in college and living with her oldest sister. My son recently graduated from HS Spring 2012 and also joined his 2 sisters-living with them. My sister’s son also lives in the same city as my kids, so the two of us travel at least 1-2 times a month south to visit and baby our kids. My siblings share their grandkids with me and even call me “Grandma Gracie”, they tend to fill the emptiness; they invite me to watch their sports games. I work full time and look forward to going to work. My hobby includes quilting. Yes, I had my down time when my kids left home, but…they are still “alive and doing very well”. This feeling overrides the empty nest feeling. Enjoy life…U deserve it