Empty nest syndrome refers to the feelings of sadness, grief, depression, loneliness, emptiness and loss when children grow up, leave for college, get married, or leave home to live on their own. “Empty-nesters” can either be mothers or fathers, but mothers are primarily the ones who have difficulty dealing with or coping with an empty nest when children begin leaving home to live their lives as adults.
What do I do now?, What can I do now?, are questions empty-nesters commonly ask before, during or after learning their children are leaving home, since parents have spent most of their lives focused on raising children, caring for the home and family, until suddenly the kids are gone.
Are you an empty-nester? Are your children leaving home to head off to college? Are your children getting married soon, moving away or getting their own home? Is your son or daughter leaving home soon, leading you to ask yourself, What do I do after my children leave home?
Empty Nest Syndrome
First, let me say, Congratulations! Give yourself a big pat on the back for having raised your children in such a way that you’re not dealing with adult children living at home years after kids should have left home and begun living their lives as full grown, successful, independent adults.
You have taught your children how to be an adult, and you should be congratulated! You have cut the apron strings by letting go, and the “tied to his mother’s apron strings” quote doesn’t apply to you in regards to your son or daughter leaving home. Trust me, you don’t want to deal with the “revolving door syndrome” so common in today’s society. Good for you!
If you are trying to deal with an empty nest now, or will be an empty-nester sometime soon, please understand you’re not alone. Many moms and dads are trying to cope with empty nest feelings and emotions just like you are, and no two people deal with stressful situations like this the same way, so patience, understanding and empathy are important.
What Do I Do Now? What Can I Do Now?
What do I do after my children leave home? There are many things you can do, should do or need to do now that your children have left home and you are alone at last. It’s time to change your focus on being a parent and the responsibilities of parenting children still living at home, and direct your time and energies towards other things you can do that bring you enjoyment, pleasure and a sense of fulfillment.
Ask yourself, if you could do it all over again, what are some “coulda, shoulda, woulda” things you wish you had done before getting married or before having children? The answer to “What do I do now” is that you now have time to take a life inventory on yourself and start doing the things you have always wanted to do but never could before.
It’s time to get busy! Put your thinking cap on and get those creative juices flowing, and come up with a “What I Can Do Now” list now that the kids are grown and gone. Go back to school to get your high school diploma, or get the college degree you always wanted. Rekindle the romance with your spouse and fire up your marriage by spending time together and bringing back the fun and excitement experienced when you were dating or before the kids came along.
Do some volunteer work; find a new hobby; join an active online support group for encouragement. Travel! Take a cruise, rent an RV and stay at RV parks while traveling, or check out the cost of Flights and buy a plane ticket to visit places you’ve always wanted to see but couldn’t. (I recommend the Philippines) Learn a new language! You can do what I’m doing and learn spanish online, or you can learn japanese online or any other language you have wanted to learn but never had the time.
Or, here’s an idea for you and it’s completely FREE! I bet, after raising your children, you probably have lots of interesting mom, dad, grandpa or grandma stories to tell. Why not start a free blog and write stories about whatever topics you are passionate about? If you’re wondering what is a blog, you’re reading a “blog post” right now about Empty Nest Syndrome. Get it?
Are you dealing with empty nest syndrome? What are some things you have found that helped you cope with your children leaving home? What is on your What I Can Do Now list? Share your ideas, suggestions, tips and advice in the comment section below.
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I guess empty nest syndrome is quite synonmous to post retirement time where u suddenly find all the time in the world to do things that you never got time for!
You’ve pointed out some interesting methods to help the elders to kill their time, Lin. I hope they are going to take your advices here!
The question of What do I do now? is quite common, especially for mothers, but dads also struggle sometimes when children leave home to head off to college or get married etc. Hopefully these suggestions will help some of these folks realize there is still a lot of living to do even though the kids are gone and out of the house. I say, live it up!
I’m afraid that you don’t really get it. “Kill our time?” That’s insulting. We don’t want to fill our lives with meaningless distractions.We are losing our sense of being connected! Without connections, there is no one to enjoy these extra little hobbies with, and so they lose their meaning
We feel abandoned, imprisoned, miserable, and stuck that way – and who cares? Look at what our culture has taught our young people – abort a baby because its life is an inconvenience. And that is what we feel like – suddenly an inconvenience to those we have lovingly served for 20 or more years. It’s just not fair, and more than that, it is a deep emotionaly wound that only the people who are abandoning us could heal.
I had my daughter very young and now she is leaving to study in Spain. Its hard for me to realize she is leaving because it hurts me just thinking about it. I am going to travel to Japan and I have plans but sometimes I see things like a old movie she used to watch all the time and I feel such a longing for those times. I guess I am just sad at times because most people start families at my age(33) and I am done.
Caroline,
The feelings you are experiencing are very normal. The fact that you started a family younger than perhaps others did allows you that many more years of being able to travel and enjoy doing the things you like doing. Rather than starting those things at a point where age starts taking its toll on the things you can do and how quickly you can do them, you are able to enjoy many years of creating and experiencing opportunities than older people may not be able to experience because age and health issues may be limiting them. Enjoy the years you have Caroline, and keep in mind that the movie that plays in your head is just part of the movie of your life, not all of it. There is much more to add to it yet.
Empty nest has hit me really hard. My oldest daughter (now 25) left and that wasn’t bad because I still had my twins at home. Now, all of the girls are gone and my mother passed away in October. It’s like what am I suppose to do now? I’m trying to decide what I am suppose to be now that I am not a daughter and my own daughters don’t need a “mom” any more. Two of them live a 12-hour drive away.
Hi Becky
Reading your comments were exactly as I am feeling. I have 2 groen girls. My oldest daughter and son are moving with my grandkids about 1300 miles from me. My husband is deceased and no other family. My grandson 17, practicaly lived with me until a few years back. My grandaughter and I were not as close, but she still comes over alot.
I cant really afford to visit them when they move. I have been diagnosed with some cardiac problems and drs visits and meds arent cheap. My other daughter is close by, but she has her life and boyfrend.
I didnt remarry thinking it would be better for the kids growing up. So any savings was spent on them. I am now more of a fixed income than they are. And my plans to finally get married were ended when I could not bring myself to move 600 miles away from my family
I keep thinking of all the things I should have done differently. Silly as it may seem, I am so very sad. Not seeing the grandkids school functions and just generally being there for them is tearing me up. I have never felt so useless and lonely as I do now
Again, what do I do with me?
Hi Patti – gee, I’m glad I thought to google this issue! I’m having all these same feelings, too, and they are so strong sometimes I don’t think I have any emotional energy to build a “new life”. I home schooled my two girls, so we were really close, longer than most moms as I was so involved with managing every aspect of their lives. I keep thinking – this is so unfair! But, do I really want to stay in this role for the rest of my life? No. But I don’t expect to be abandoned either!
Patti, I don’t understand WHY your older daughter would move so far away given your circumstances. Is she just blind to what you are feeling and going through? I don’t hide my feelings from my girls because I think I have a right to be a real person – I’m not a vending machine that they can just take, take, take – emotionally or financially. Our culture has changed to view parents as DISPOSABLE, but Jesus didn’t think that way. Even when dying, He made plans for His mother to be cared for.
Are you willing to move with your elder daughter’s family? They have grandkids and your younger daughter does not sound so settled….if you are reluctant to bring up the subject, at least let them know how depressed you are and that you are worried about how you will adjust to being alone. Then, think about going to a counselor and invite your daughters to go along. Get someone else to speak for you if you can’t summon the courage to speak for yourself!
God bless!
Awww Becky, I feel just the same way. My parents are still living, but they are going to leave me soon
I am a middle child, and having my parents behind me and my children before me has been a cozy zone to be in. Now I am about to lose them both. I feel lost because I like to be defined relative to serving those I love – a daughter and a mother. I know other people need someone to help them, other people are lonely and depressed, but without the familial connection, I can’t imagine any real consolation in engaging them. Even though I want to serve others with God’s love, from my “almost alone” side of the equation it seems that they would just be a distraction to my root lonliness, I don’t want to distract myself to death – is there any hope for making new connections that are truely meaningful?
I feel the same way as you..Anything else is to me a useless distraction. I am not able to handle my son moving out. I enjoyed being a mom, it gave me a purpose..I enjoyed DOING for my kids..Now, nothing matters..I dont know what to do..I cant stand this void in my life.
My daughter got married in June and my son got married this month and my other son left home about two weeks ago. All this in one year. I feel so sad. I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life. I am 56 years old.
Sandra
I know exactly how you must feel. I am your age. And I think I let go of many friends because of doing things with my family and grandkids. Or I know how this is making me feel. To have your kids the center of your life, as they should be, and then they move on. How do we move on.
My son just left today to live on the other side of the states. I thought I was going to be excited to the extra room for an office, and have more money, etc, But I feel really sad.
Does anyone have an idea on about how long the depression will last?
Julie, it all really depends on you. The busier you keep yourself with things you enjoy doing the easier it will be. Your son just left today so it’s natural you’d feel a sense of sadness today and even for a few days more. If you don’t have some hobbies that will occupy your mind and time and keep you busy, start looking for some hobbies to enjoy. Crafting, needlepoint, crocheting, painting, sewing, volunteering, etc. Lots of people I know have begun making homemade craft projects that they give as gifts for Christmas, birthdays etc, and some have even started their own online blog to showcase their magnificent craft works and have been selling them online.
I’m a 25 year old stay at home Mom to my three year old daughter and I’m already terrified of her moving out. I want her to live with me forever but I know that she will want to have her own place one day, and I want her to too, but if she moves more than 15 or 3o minutes away I would be very very sad. If she moves an hour away or more I would definately be moving to be closer to her. Does this sound like I’m obsessed?
I can only symphathize with you Jenny because I too never wanted my youngest to leave…we were so close that I thought I was going to have to go UP to the school and FEED her lol… she now is the last getting ready to leave( of four)…love her but I know if she doesn’t leave…she will never actually have a real chance to “grow up”.
Thanks Samantha. Hopefully I’ll grow up in the next 2 years so I won’t have a nervous breakdown when she goes to kendergarten. I’m pregnant now so I’m wondering does empty nest syndrome get any better when you have another child? I mean does it take your mind off your first child a little since you have another little one to love? Or is it double as hard?
Hi Jenny;
I’m afraid it doesn’t get any better with another child. My two children are six years apart and my first is on his way out the door in about two years. That seems like a bit of time but with as quick as we got here I know it’s just a blink away and I’m trying not to blink. Life is a constant transition and as much as children tug at our hearts these letting go periods will be the toughest transitions.
I’m also dreading her going to kendergarten. I try to get her excited about it, and at times she really does get excited but I start tearing up just talking about it because I’m already missing her. We’re going to be away from eachother so much, I can’t even keep it together when she stays overnight with my Mom, I’m crying right after I drop her off.
Hello ladies;
I came searching for some comfort tonight with being faced of owning up to the fact that I’m in beginning stages of empty nest with my first born.
And what I end up hearing is a lot of lonliness here and my heart goes out to each of you and even me as I well up inside at the prospect of my first one out the door. I can see I am not alone.
These are some tough questions, “what do we do now?” ” how long will this feeling last?”. I wish there were easy answers but I don’t think there are.
I would very much be interested in hearing more of what you are thinking. So maybe we can discuss, what can we do for ourselves to help us through this transition?
Hi. I am a stay-at-home father because my wife was in a terrible accidnet. MY son just left for the service. He was my whole life. What is left now? The pride I feel in raising him is overwhelmed by soorow, loss, and despair. There is nothing else. I imagine that time will ease the pain some. I think about all the things that I did not do with him, like when I didn’t want to ride bikes in the summer heat, or watch the car shows with him. But I did so very much else.
These are feelings at odds indeed. I experience the same. Pride from the man he is growing into then sorrow for the child he is no longer and each is intense and both bring tears for me. (Secret: major embarrassment for the kids.)
Do we ever reach a new norm? I would venture to say no since life is in constant transition and nothing stays the same. The address can stay the same but what happens inside the residence is a constant flow of life, always moving, always changing.
Thanks Ryan for sharing your son with us to serve our nation!!
I logged on to this site this morning because my last child is now leaving home to travell 7hours away from me and im heartbroken….she isnt leaving for 2 weeks and i am crying every day just thinking about it…my son left 7years ago but is only 2hours away and comes home once or twice a year….my daughter has always been my strength and rock when he leaves with her advice and reasoning on whats best for him and how i should understand its what he wants and should be no reflection on me as a mom…she has spent hours and days trying to get me to focus now on doing things for myself when shes gone and the advice she has given me is to appreciate the fact that they are not leaving me as a person..they are leaving to improve themselves and see more of the world and experience other things and what i’m feeling isn’t wrong but its a bit selfish to expect them to stay and live the life i want for them not what they want for themselves…she has lived with me 21years and is my best friend…i don’t want to let her down but this is breaking my heart as i see it is doing to other parents..i raised my kids alone after splitting with their dad 13years ago..i have no partner to turn to…i have a fixed income so cant travel and where i live there isn’t a lot of opportunity to do much self improving….some advice would be great
Hi Denise,
I’m so sorry this change in life’s circumstances has been so upsetting for you. Even though parents know throughout all the years kids are growing up that they will one day leave the home and move on with their adult lives, it’s very common for parents (especially mothers) to feel heartbroken and devastated emotionally when that day actually approaches. The feelings you’re experiencing are normal and quite common. The question you will eventually have to ask yourself is, what am I going to do with myself now? You really have two choices. One is positive and the other isn’t. What you’re feeling right now is the sadness and sorrow of the loss of the growing up years, the years you spent raising and teaching your children how to be productive adults. Job accomplished! The sadness and even tears are a normal part of the changing phase in your life, and your children’s lives. What you choose to do with yourself now may require some deep soul searching. Expanding your horizons and focusing on yourself and things you’d like to do that bring you happiness and joy and a sense of accomplishment is at your fingertips. You just have to figure out what those interests are. Getting past this stage and looking forward to the future doesn’t have to include travel; that’s just one of the many options available for parents who are able to and want to. Only you can decide for yourself what opportunities you would like to check into, whether it’s volunteering somewhere to help other people (which helps alot to take your mind off of yourself and your own feelings and focuses your energies on helping others), or getting involved with a whole variety of craft projects, gardening, painting, pottery, etc. There are many many things you could start doing that you may have never done before or even thought of trying, but you won’t discover you actually enjoy doing _________ until you focus your time and energies on it. Your daughter is right. In some ways, you’re experiencing a sort of grief, and anyone who has gone through that knows that putting one foot in front of the other and doing things that take your mind off your woes, and helping other people in some way, helps the grieving person move on with their lives. Life doesn’t stop when kids grow up and leave the home – life just changes. You must decide what your life will consist of now besides the kids. It’s your turn now to focus on you and what you want out of the rest of your life. Go out and grab it! Put one foot in front of the other, every single day, and see what life has to offer you.
My daughter has left for the Marine Corp in a State that is a 9 hour flight for me and my son is preparing to leave for College to Major in Music. The last 20 years is all I lived and breathed. I have come to this fork in the road …all I was and have done was for them….I am having a hard time even trying to figure out what my favorite color is or what do I want or like to eat. I find myself having a hard time even wanting to give myself time to figure it out. Re-training one’s own thoughts is a very difficult thing to do. I find that this grief, this pain is a real emotional rollercoaster ride that only lessens when I think of how proud I am of them. One day at a time……
Well written! One of my favorite lines that I use is that being a full-time parent is the only job that (if you’ve done it well) you expect to get fired. I am a big time believer in coaching as a way to find your path again. So many times we Moms fail to keep up with our own interests, even to the point of forgetting what they are! I wrote a post of my 7 best tips for coping when your child leaves home that may also be of interest to your readers: Kirsten Cameron
I feel for all of you and the advice to start change now and find new things to do with your life is very good. However, I know it’s not that easy. I had 3 boys and went into depression after the last one left home. After a few years it got better and I started ball room dancing which was a lot of fun and I met a lot of nice people. Then I met my new husband and moved 3,000 miles away from my kids. I love my husband and he’s such a great person to have in my life, but it’s so hard to get out of the funk I get into about not seeing my kids. I think they are upset with me because when I go back the relationship is strained and I can’t seem to connect except with my youngest. My oldest picked 2 fights with me while I was home over christmas. I’ve been home less than a week and I am home sick from work, depressed and lots of things I ‘could’ do but no energy to do them. I did get out to my exercise class last night so that was great. I sure feel for all of you. One bit of advice for those moms who are already experiencing empty nest and their kids are babies….. first is to ensure you keep some of your own hobbies and interests. Get a babysitter once a week and make it ‘you’ time. second advice is to not think about it and enjoy each moment you are with your children NOW! The time does fly by and every great experience you give them, every moment you create that is warm and loving towards them will come back to you later on and will add to your sense of fulfulment once they are gone. You might not want to move far away though… this is not working so well for me yet. Though it did help my kids to all become way more independent in their lives. PS There is always foster care, becoming a big sister or brother or getting a new fur baby! Thanks for letting me share, wish I was still waiting for my kids to go to kindergarten, please enjoy, it’s such a magical time!