These are some of the questions I’ve received from child sexual abuse victims over the last few weeks, from sexually abused children as young as 10 to older victims in their teens, and others that are married and have children of their own. They all wanted to know what they should do, who they can or should tell, if they should tell anyone about being sexually abused, and how to tell a parent they were sexually abused.
Yes, if someone is sexually abusing you or has sexually abused you in the past, you should tell a trustworthy adult about the abuse and as soon as possible. Why should you tell? Because keeping the abuse a secret is what your abuser wants, and you need help from adults to stop the abuse and stop the abuser from molesting or raping anyone else.
Sexual abuse statistics show that child molesters don’t molest just one person and then suddenly stop. No, pedophiles and child molesters continue to sexually abuse victims until they are caught and arrested, and the authorities are able to bring charges against your abuser so he or she can no longer harm anyone else.
As I’ve said before, most sexually abused children don’t tell because they are afraid to tell, were threatened by their abuser or because victims feel guilty, embarrassed and ashamed. It’s important for sexually abused children, teens and even adult victims to know and understand that what has happened to you is not your fault, and the person who has sexually abused you must be stopped from repeating the abuse against you or anyone else.
Unfortunately, some parents don’t react to being told their child has been sexually abused in the right way, which only creates more problems and stress for the victim. Some mothers and fathers choose not to believe their own child’s disclosure of being sexually abused. Some parents have been known to blame the victim for the abuse, going so far as to claim their child “seduced” their abuser, and/or do nothing to stop the continued abuse of their own child.
If you are being sexually abused or have been abused in the past, ask yourself who you know that will help you. Choose an adult you trust that will help you and then tell that person what has happened to you. That person may be your mother or father, a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, the school counselor, teacher, school nurse or even a police officer.
What happens when you tell? The adult you tell is required by law to tell the police or a social worker, because children of all ages have a right to be protected from sexual abuse, and the person who has abused you needs to be stopped. The social worker or police officer will need to ask you some questions about what happened to you, and if you were sexually abused in your own home, the authorities will want to talk to you somewhere else.
Read this excellent, printable, 13-page sexual abuse packet that victims of all ages and parents need to read, save to your computer and/or print off to read. The packet explains who to tell, how to tell, and what will happen when you tell in easy-to-read and easy-to-understand language even kids can understand. Kids, just click on these words —> Sexual Abuse Information Packet so you can read more on how to tell someone you were sexually abused and get the help you need.
Most children who have told about being sexually abused say it’s worth it because “telling freed them of the guilty secret”, and adults who are getting counseling after being sexually abused when they were children say “I only wish I could have told someone when I was a child.”
Should you tell a spouse you were sexually abused? Yes, you should. When you chose your husband or wife, you married him or her with life experiences that shapes who you are today, and the effects of having been sexually abused can take a long time to recover from, if ever.
Trusting your spouse to be there for you through “better or worse” includes those times when sharing painful memories of past experiences and abuse not only brings you closer together, but helps take away some of the negative self-esteem feelings many victims hold onto for many years and a loving, supportive spouse can make all the difference in the world.
Similar Posts:
- Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talking to Your Children About Sexual Abuse
- Books on Sexual Abuse-Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse-Healing Sexual Abuse
- Violence Unsilenced – True Life Personal Survivor Stories of Abuse, Domestic Violence, Rape
- Child Sexual Abuse: Blaming Mothers of Sexually Abused Children
- Child Sexual Abuse – Facts VS. Myths
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Lin, I always advised my students to tell me, if they’re been sexually abused by their parents, neighbors or strangers. Most of the time, we won’t know, if we didn’t tell the truth…
i was abused as a young child and find it very hard to talk about, i really dont want to tell my partner as im scared that he wouldnt want to touch me again, so i think sometimes its best to keep to yourself.
Nicola, I understand all too well the difficulties associated with talking to anyone about having been sexually abused. But…, talking about what happened to you as a child is the FIRST step towards healing. The fact that it’s very hard for you to talk about sexual abuse tells me you’ve likely got a lot of pent up emotions and stress (after effects) remaining in your heart and mind.
Speaking from experience, I can tell you that talking about your personal experience with someone who loves you and cares about you can do a lot to help you deal with the effects of having been sexually abused. If it weren’t for having talked about my experiences with people who care about me, I would never have gotten to the point where I could advocate and write about sexual abuse on this site. It would be too hard to deal with.
And…, the person who abused you is hoping you won’t tell. Ever. You’re going through your own personal “hell” by not talking about your experience. Who else but your loving husband to tell about what happened to you? If you will ever break free from the torment of having been a victim of sexual abuse, you must talk about it.
From comments and emails I’ve received on the articles about sexual abuse on this site, it is very possible that there are questions in your husbands mind about the sexual intimacy in your marriage. It’s at least possible that he wonders if something had happened to you as a child, but he’s too nervous or afraid to ask you directly. I’ve received numerous emails from husbands asking me about their wife and what they thought were signs that their wife had been abused as a child. Once they asked their wives about it, they each talked at length and discovered they were right. The men/husbands were very understanding and had empathy for their wives, and love her no matter what. They’re now reading some of the books about sexual abuse for spouses and lovers on healing from sexual abuse, and their relationship has been improved by talking about it. Think about it Nicola.
I am just starting counselling for my sexual abuse at the hands of an older kid in my neighborhood growing up. I had nightmares about it starting 17 years later (I’m 27 now) and started to have temper problems, loss of sleep, etc. I talked to my wife about it and she seemed really interested and understanding at first. However, it took some time to build up the courage to see a counselor and it’s been almost a year since I told my wife. We haven’t slept in the same bed since, we haven’t been intimate and theres no emotion in our marriage. I don’t feel I did anything wrong, but she take it well.
At this point, I don’t feel like a member of my family. Rather than feeling like a dad (step-dad) and a husband, I feel like a babysitter and paycheck
James, I’m glad you discussed your experience with your wife. What happened to you could definitely explain the reasons for the temper problems and problems sleeping, nightmares, etc. Telling/explaining to your wife what happened to you is important, but continuing to have conversation with her and allowing her to share her thoughts and feelings is good for both of you. It’s important, though, that both of you feel safe to express your thoughts and feelings without fear of how the other will respond or think about what they’re being told. Of course it goes without saying that some emotions can be rather raw; so it’s important that both of you express yourselves in kind and respectful ways – rather than just “venting” what’s on your minds. Perhaps there will come a time when your counselor will suggest that your wife accompany you to some of the sessions, which would give her an opportunity to share how she feels with an objective person. Now is not the time for either of you to be pulling away from the other mentally, emotionally, etc. Coming to grips with the past is important, vital really, but work together as a couple to rebuild the intimacy between you slowly and gradually if necessary, but don’t let the past ruin the chances of a wonderful marriage. Keep up with the counseling, but also keep up with the mental and emotional connection between you two with kind gestures, hugs, genuine compliments and time spent together. Don’t let this destroy your marriage or your love for each other.
I was sexually abused by my brother when i was younger i never told anyone because i fell as though no one would believe he would do something like that so i kept it to myself but i write on my computer about my experience and that helps me relieve some of that pain
Ariel,
Telling about your personal experience of being sexually abused is so important, in order to heal from the past. Kids don’t tell they were abused because of fear, just like you said. You thought no one would believe you, so you’ve kept it to yourself all this time. Fortunately, there are now books about sexual abuse on the market that not only help sexual abuse victims tell they were abused, but these books also help in the healing process. There is also an incredible website called Violence Unsilenced where abuse victims can tell their personal stories if they want to, and do so anonymously if that is their choice. Children who are or were being abused sexually need to tell their stories.
I told my husband about my sexual abuse and he used it against me to control me. He would make cruel snide remarks about it. He would invite my abusers (who were my family members) to our home and maintain a relationship with them – my abusers acted as if the horrific physical abuse was no big deal and the sexual abuse simply did not happen (the abuse had continued for the 20 years I was in my family home). I was frightened of my abusers and their presence in my home and in my life because of my husband, prolonged my trauma and delayed my recovery. I had to fight for many years with my husband to get these people out of my life because without that I had no safety and no way to heal from the trauma. I am divorced now but I still find it extremely shocking that my husband used my trauma against me and made it clear to my family that they had his support against me (repeatedly they would call him or meet him because they knew I did not want them in my life but Husband had made it clear with his behavior that he did not support me despite knowing about the abuse). I was subjected to horrific sadistic abuse and unfortunately because I come from a South Asian culture, where wat happens in the home stays in the home, I had nobody to turn to and the few times I revealed my situation to outsiders, I was told to just ignore as if it was not happenning and go on living with my family.
I am divorced now but I still find it extremely hard to believe that a man’s hunger to control a woman is so great that he doesnt think twice about retraumatizing somebody who is already severely traumatized. If any of you find yourself in a relationship where the terror u feel for your abusers is used to control you by a boyfriend or spouse, please please leave the situation as soon as you can. Nothing is worth putting yourself through that torture.
And if u reveal your abuse to your bf or husband, please brace yourself for the possibility that the man who the first time listens to you with empathy may also be the man who will soon make cruel remarks or otherwise use your abuse to hurt you – and if that does happen, please leave that person because people with such an utter lack of empathy can never be changed. My husband is still the same man he used to be and if I go back to him like he wants me to, I have no doubt that he will do such things again although he may be more subtle and cunning about it – to this day, despite my tears, anger and heartbeak, he has never once denounced my family in clear terms and never once expressed clear support for me against my family, he is just too passive agressive, too much of a control freak to let me have the assurance of knowing that the man who claims to love me and wants me back even after our divorce, actually will support me from people who have done worse things to me than anybody ever has or ever will. I am so terrified that the next time I get married, somebody will do this to me again. Please please dont let a abusive spouse use your trauma as a torture tactic. (my husband was also physically abusive, very controlling and withheld emotional intimacy and sex from me- the abuse seems to be just another weapon in his arsenal of many weapons used to hurt me).
I totally understand coming from south Asian community,we pretend that abuse does not exists in our community. We have no eduction about sexual abuse or teaching kids about sex. I my self abused as a kid decided not to marry in the community left my culture and family behind it now happily married with 3 kids my husband supports me a lot. There is always hope for us and not all men are same
my parents have recently decided to foster our cousins after hearing about them getting taken by the cps. We didn’t want them to go somewhere other than family.anyways they are still with us but during the third month, we only had the eldest three 11(boy), 10(boy), and 7(girl), living with us, during that time the girl decided to tell my parents that she was sexually abused by her father which is why they were taken in the first place five months before but she didn’t tell because she said her dad would beat her as would he tell the rest of them.soon after she told the 11 and 10 year old decided to tell us that the dad would stick his finger and other things in their behind. so we told their social workers immedidalty but heres the deal, the kids social worker has known their mother since she was 16 so she is trying everything in her power to get these kids back for her.(isn’t that like a conflict of interest?, Can we complain?). then we had gotten the other two 5(boy) and 3 (boy) and we were advised to see if anything happened to them too. so we asked and it comes to find out, they to were molested by the mother. not only did the mom do that but let the molesting of the others go on as well. The mom and dad do drugs, hard drugs and never fed the kids, never had any water to shower with or soap or anything. these kids have suffered. the girl told and was taken to talk to the district attorney and they said that there is no doubt that this happened. but the boys have told about what the mother and father did but nothing is being done and not only that, none of the parents have did any time for any of this. now the social worker is saying the kids are losing the case and may have to go back. now isnt that something how could the judge not see that they are hurting. their moms just putting on an act. how could this happen, is their a limitation on how long you can wait to tell on someone for molestation? does our legal system have a site where i can learn more about how to help them stay here and not go and get hurt again? PLEASE HELP… i am not joking but these kids are so scared to go back that they tell me and my parents THEY ARE GOING TO GET KILLED BY THE MOM AND DAD FOR TELLING ON THEM.. can someone please give me advice. can someone please help us help them. they’ve been hurt enough.
George,
Please understand, I’m not an attorney. It does sound to me as though there is a conflict of interest with the social worker knowing the mother since the age of 16. Have you or your parents discussed this with the DA? I’m not sure about the statute of limitations, so you’d want to ask an attorney about that. There are sex abuse hotlines you or your parents can call, and the numbers can be found online by looking for sex abuse hotline, but here are some:
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is at 1-800-4-A-CHILD
Stop It Now! 888.PREVENT (888.773.8368)
National Center for Victims of Crime 800.FYI.CALL (800.394.2255)
National Children’s Alliance at http://www.nca-online.org or 1-800-239-9950.
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
Phone: 800.656.HOPE, Ext. 1 (800.656.4673, Ext. 1)
“If the legal system does not provide adequate protection for a child, call Justice for Children (713-225-4357) or http://www.jfcadvocacy.org.”
Hopefully your parents have a good attorney fighting for these kids rights. If not, they should get an attorney that will help ensure these children are protected. Hope this helps George.
When I was 7, my brother molested me. I didn’t know it was wrong… I didn’t realize what was happening, so I didn’t stop it. I thought he thought I was special.. I feel like I let it happen. I’m scared it’s my fault. I know what happened was wrong, and it’s effecting me badly, even after 5 years. I want to tell my teacher, it hurts so much.. I feel so dirty, and guilty, but I want to protect my brother. I don’t know what to do… If I tell her what happened, but I don’t say it was my brother, she’ll still have to report it and the police will get involved and everything. If they find out.. Will my family hate me? I don’t want my brother to get hurt.. But I’m hurting so much. What should I do?
Hi,
What your brother did was wrong. Whether it is a family member, friend or random person, it is ALWAYS WRONG. I know from experience it is extremely hard to tell anyone, and possibly you may not be able to speak or tell anyone for years, however to be able to move on (if possible), deal and get help with what has happened and protect other people and show others how it can be done you need to report this peson to the authorities. If not you are jeopordising your own recovery and help. Not even mentioning others safety.
I understand that it can be had, theefore maybe going to your GP and beginning a course of psychotherapy and talking it through with a professional without disclosing any information may be beneficial.
Please get in contact if you want to speak further
i was Sexually Abused a year ago from my sisters husband n i cant tell anyone because my other sister was sexually abused when she was little and no one be lived her. i feel like if i tell someone they will tell me the same thing. that it never happened and that its all in my head. i have two be around this person all the time. and i feel like i let him do it because I’m to scared to tell someone that it happened. and i feel like if i tell on him that my sister will not let me see her two kids. i don’t know what two do. if i tell everyone will tell me that it never happened and if i don’t it will eat at me for ever and i don’t want that. but i don’t want to hurt my family. I’m only 15 years old. and i’m so scared that no one will help me.
Stacie,
I understand all too well how hard it is to tell, but you must tell someone who you can trust to provide help. Your brother-in-law has molested you and your sister, and there’s no way of knowing who else he likely molested. Or….who he will molest at some time in the future. Telling you were molested is not only for yourself and your sister, but also for those yet-to-be victims who need protection from this guy. Molesters don’t just molest once or twice and then stop. They continue doing this to children UNTIL they are caught and the authorities act upon the information provided. If this guy and your sister don’t yet have children of their own (who he might also molest), telling the authorities about this guy abusing you and your other sister can help to prevent him from doing the same thing to his own kids if/when they have some. Perhaps you and your sister can tell the authorities together, which would not only be helpful to the authorities to know you’re not the only one accusing the guy, but it also would help you have someone who has been through it themselves as an emotional support for you.
It’s a darn shame when kids are not believed immediately by family members or parents etc, but their not believing the victims does not mean it didn’t happen and that it shouldn’t be stopped immediately, or that the perpetrator shouldn’t be arrested and charged with molesting children.
In a comment left previously shown above, a list of agencies and phone numbers are given. But also think of grown adults you know well that you trust and feel would believe you, then tell that person or people what he did to you and ask them to help you inform the police, CPS or social worker agency in your town. Even if you don’t know anyone you feel you can trust to help you, you can on your own tell the Child Protective Services agency near you, the Police, hospital officials, or call one of the hotlines listed above. This guy must be stopped now, before he hurts anyone else. Believe me, he WILL do this to other kids if he’s not stopped. People WILL help you Stacie, and will help your sister too, but you two have to take the important step of telling people who are in an authority position to act on the information you/your sister provides.
Stacie,
First, I’m very sorry about what has happened to you. It is a very difficult spot for someone of 15. If at all possible, please find someone to talk to; a school counselor, an adult friend, someone from your church, if you attend, someone who you can trust.
While telling can sometimes bring negative consequences, the consequences of telling no one are usually more serious and bottling it up will not make it go away. It only festers.
Good luck. I wish you peace, comfort and safety.
I am a 45 female, married for 24 years….I was molested at the age of 5…My molester was a well known Doctor and friend of the family…I never told anyone about this, (molester told me not to tell my parents as they would never believe me!) I never told my spouse or any family member…I think I pushed all my feeling some where else, and now as an adult I know this was very wrong….The problem is now I need to speak to someone about what I am feeling, and not sure what to do…Can anyone please help me.
Lynette,
I went through something similar and tired to forget it for years and years. I finally sought therapy and have seen several over about 5 1/2 years. I can’t say that I’m healed, but having someone to talk to is better than not talking about it at all.
I still have triggers that set me off and to this day can not walk into a doctors office without extreme anxiety. But having someone to talk to has helped.
I suggest finding someone who specializes in adult survivors and has a lot of experience. There are also several books out there that can help.
I’m looking into a couple different longer programs, one called The Journey, and one called The Hoffman Process, but since I haven’t been to either I can’t vouch for them, though I have heard good things.
If you’re like me, you’re willing to try just about anything to heal, so I’m looking into those things. The Journey is a 2 or 3 day session and the Hoffman is a week or something like that.
Good luck to you. It can be a very difficult and lonely road to travel alone.
I think these days child sexual abuse within the family is a very disclosed subject. It’s so incredibly unfair for the victim. They’ve been raised by their parents/guardians to always tell when they are suffering from any form of abuse but when it occurs in the family it’s a whole different story.
Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely not categorizing every single family – it’s different for all. But from what I’ve heard from a few psychologists, past victim stories and from my own personal experience is that the family become so in denial over the truth they deny it ever happened. They think you’re ‘crazy’ or ‘craving attention’. The one thing I hated was being called a liar. It was the most painful, horrible feeling I’ve ever felt, just by this one word said from my family.
Understandable it’s hard for them to deal with, but they have to realize that the situation isn’t about them, it’s about their child. Their child is trying to reach out to them, they don’t have the time to see how it affects them. I say help the child first then deal with your own problems. I know it’s judgmental to say but how they reacted, I thought was the most incredibly selfish thing.
Like I would do anything for my family and I’m guessing most other victims would agree. I definitely would go out of my way to help my children if it happened to them (which I desperately hope that it won’t). But this is being quite biased because I know what it’s like to go through it, I’ve experienced it, the parent hasn’t ever encountered anything like this before. But then again what does this say about the parent who lacks the empathy to try and see it from the their child’s perspective?
Also I know it’s hard to judge the offender whether it be the your husband, wife, sibling, cousin etc. I even felt sorry for my offender since they were someone I cared about. They look at it like: What is so wrong with them to actually do something like that? The act is so horrendously wrong that despise turns into pity that I guess is it why the victim’s feelings can get ignored and lead them into denial. But still they need to remember that it’s still unjustifiable regardless on who the person is. I’m necessarily saying to punish but help.
I guess all in all it’s all about finding that balance. Parents just need to come to terms with it instead of ‘brushing it under the rug’ so to speak because the more they bottle it up the more worse it comes later on. Basically what I’m trying to say is that parents to do their f***ing job: take care of their children.
Correction: I’m NOT necessarily saying to punish but help **
I was molested by my uncle at the age of 12 and it continue till the age of 14…. im so confuse and i have so much anger in me, he was suppose to be a father figure to me and he always told me he was and continue to tell me that he was not hurting me. At the time i never told anyone because i was not sure how they were going to react and i still dont. The only person the knows is my boyfriend, i am now 20 and i still have not told my mother or my father. i know it would break my father heart, i just hate it went i am ask by my father how come u dont speak to your uncle anymore. I want to tell my father so bad but i know my uncle will never admit what he did and its going to destroy my dads relationship with the whole family.
and my mom i dont if i will ever be able to tell her i am not sure how she is going to react.
Camilla,
I understand how scary it is to even think about telling someone you were molested or raped by someone, whether by a relative in the family, family friend or complete stranger.
It’s very important that you tell your parents what happened to you by your uncle. He may or may not admit to doing anything, but that isn’t the point. Let him deny molesting you all he wants, but his denials don’t mean you aren’t telling the truth. You know the truth of what happened to you.
Telling you were molested is of course for your own benefit, but telling also helps protect other children who this guy has contact with, family or not. This man should not have the time, opportunity or ability to hurt any other children, perhaps some of your own relatives like cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. Think about the other kids this man could have already molested and those yet to become his victims. They deserve and need to be protected, not the man who did this to you.
Keeping the secret protects the perpetrator who hurt you, and it gives the guy “power” over you and makes it that much harder for you to move on with your life without the memory constantly going through your mind and heart. Being afraid to tell out of concern for how your parents would react is understandable, but you must tell them anyway so this man cannot inappropriately touch or molest anyone else.
I recently told my husband of being sexually abused as a child by a close friend of the family & he has been standoffish ever sense. I feel as if I should have kept it locked up forever as having faced his scorn has made me feel even worse than I already do. The pain I carry & constantly put myself thru daily is enough without having to now deal with this as well. Why can’t he understand how hard it was to tell him in the first place muchless coping with his negative reaction. Its almost as painful as the abuse I’d suffered as a child and is why I’ve never told anyone in over 20 years.
Lee, please go to him and talk to him, ask him what he’s thinking and feeling about what you told him. Not in a confrontational way of course, but where you gently draw him out and allow him to share his thoughts and feelings on the matter. I could guess all day long as to possible reasons why he’s reacting the way he is, but the real reason won’t be known until he expresses. Maybe he’s shocked and stunned by the revelation and hasn’t processed it in his mind enough yet to put words to his feelings. Maybe his love for you as his wife is causing him to feel anger and rage at the person who hurt his wife. Maybe, and it’s a BIG maybe, maybe…just maybe…he can relate. Maybe he doesn’t know what to say, what to think, how to respond or how to respond in the right way so as not to make you feel hurt even more, so he unfortunately says nothing and is standoffish and distant. You won’t know until you discuss it with him. Maybe he just doesn’t know how to verbalize his thoughts and feelings and doesn’t want to share any initial very RAW feelings of knowing the woman he loves was hurt this way. Talk to him Lee. Hugs to you and him.
Good Day,
My apologies if I might jump from one thing to the next, and if this becomes a difficult read.
This question has been hammering my thoughts and conscious every day for the last 13 years.
Me and my twin sister have been sexually abused since 2 (+ half) years old; my abusers took it further with me up to 8 years old. It started with a house / work friend and son of our dad hoes wife baby sit us, then our Nursery school teacher, her husband and eldest son + his best friend, and two of our friend’s dads. A few attempts by our nursery teacher’s sister and her husband whom assisted them with the children. Since then I have been sexually harassed by allot of men, up until recently.
I now suddenly got the urge and desire to let it all out… But don’t know how, when would be appropriate, especially if it is a good idea or not at all, and who to rely on. It seems that my parents can’t handle confrontations, etc. The most difficult part is that our father emotionally, physically and verbally abused us threw out our existence. He never had the patience, and blames us for “the loss of his youth”. Our mother on the other hand have manipulated and played on our emotions since – always, to her every woe. She actually robbed us from allot of opportunities, etc. And kept us / with held us from everything. She is the jealous type. Funny to hear how she brags and forces the idea that to keep us from everything and living in a bottled life, is the best move to make. But she allowed us to be molested and turned her head the other way.
We lived in fear of just about everything; the exhaustion of it is killing me. I had a few emotional breakdowns, anxiety attacks, the list goes on, but all left alone. Since meeting my first boyfriend, I now see that our basic understanding of things in life and mentality are totally in an imbalance, plus wrong. We have been so confused and mislead by so many people and there is just about nothing that my parents now can do or might have done that wouldn’t surprise, nor shock me – anymore. We have been led down and disappointed so many times.
My sister always wondered what was wrong with me, due to the HUGE fits, freak-outs, exploding anger, hate and disgust. I would have allot of ups and downs, trying to commit suicide from the age of 9 with a steak knife, etc., inappropriate outbursts / behaviours, ONLY nightmares, and so on. My mom ignores me and tends to talk over me when I make insinuations or give hints. We confessed to her about our molestation when we were 12. She just stood in the kitchen with her head down (I’m sure she did not know how to re-act or what to do), but it did seem that she was surprised with us remembering and now knew. She totally ignored it and went on as per normal for years and years. She lives in complete denial.
I have a vague memory of being tied to a caged bed at the age of 7, in a hospital after being subdued and being medicated. Have confronted my parents about this memory, which they confessed to – but later on made it to be the time when I drank a whole bottle of perfume and was rushed to the hospital at the age of 5. Now, they don’t recall and says there was no such event.
And almost getting raped twice by a group of boys in my primary school (ages between 10 – 14), a friends dad trying penetration forcefully at a sleep over (he was drunk). We were surrounded by my dad’s sick friends. It’s just weird, he knew exactly how and what they were, and still kept them as friends; however he never allowed any of them near us, especially if he wasn’t present. But he is an alchaholic, after-all. We are finally past being threatened with the guns, and killing us.
Like my sister said tonight, she is terrified of finding out more, because we both have a gut feeling of there being more and far worst. I mentioned of wanting to go under hypnosis, but not sure whether it might be a good thing after all. I just want to be done with this weight, and a world of wonder…
I have so much anger, resentment and disgust towards my parents. Today, they are much better after I left home at 19. I sort of forgave the culprits, but the fact that our parents were so disappointing and unreliable, sears my heart. I love them so very much, and we do have some good memories, but unfortunately there are more bad than good. We were close as a family (mom, dad, sister & me), but not open and honest. We never could talk to ANYONE about this. Everyone always tried to run from the truth or hearing it. We got close to getting kidnapped 4 times at school and after care. My town were full of pedophiles and kidnappers (in those times, never got prosecuted). There weren’t much urgency or caring for those things. Everyone rather tried avoiding the issues…
I know allot of other girls whom had been molested too.
I realize that my parents always kept things at a low key, to keep a good front for the family. Maybe they are afraid of facing the truth and seeing how much they had failed as parents.
Today, I struggle constantly with communicating, concentration, behavior, feelings, ETC. I feel too uncomfortable to walk a certain way, talk and be a certain way. Each day is such a struggle. It used to be much worst. I had twitches and would start sweating if I tried to look up. The constant thoughts of fearing people might see what was really going on; find out my embarrassing and disgusting secret and the feeling of being responsible and at fault, threw the way I use to worry and start panicking if I breathed a certain way, looking too nervous, etc. It was just how people would react to the truth, and how awkward it would be for everyone. I use to have SO MUCH HATE within me, and sometimes still do. Luckily not as much, anymore. Me and my sister still have this feeling of disgust and grossed out by ourselves, sometimes. It is a sudden, unexpected thing. I use to be so disgusted with myself, hating myself that I could not bear the feeling of my skin, and so on.
I cannot stop reminding myself Oh’ I’m a damaged person. It keeps popping up.
There hasn’t been a day in my life that I couldn’t stop thinking of this secret. I could never be happy for more than one hour. This is also how I have came to realize that this is why I am so weird and awkward as a child.
Always wondered and asked myself after happily running around with other children, then suddenly stopped in my tracks with the same feeling of utter disgust, thoughts running threw my head: Why am I feeling this way; Why can’t I be or feel as normal as those kids; Why am I so different; Why do I hate myself so much that I wanted to scratch off my skin every time I accidentally touched myself or someone else. It felt like bacteria or germs had gotten onto my fingertips, then my hand would suddenly go numb and get irritated, then I would freak out jumping up and down. Use to have a few obsessions. Only 2 / 3 now.
Put 1 and 1 together. If my mother and father start telling me off (insulting) and denying when we confess, I will then approach them with “wasn’t it obvious?” My sister saw ALL of the signs – figured it out after questioning it.
How would you suppose I handle this?
PLEASE HELP!
Kind Regards,
Broken
My stepfather molested me from the time I was eight until half a year ago. I told my parents, and my mom kicked him out of the house and is in the process of divorcing the bastard. However, both of my parents have been adamant in the request that I don’t tell anyone else. They say that it wouldn’t help anything, and it would just make life more complicated. They’re traditional and think that things like this should be taken care of, but quietly. Also, my stepfather comes from a wealthy family and could definitely afford a really good lawyer. My whole family went to my stepfather’s family’s shrink (who’s been employed by this family for ages), and she says that he’s not a threat to anyone. She basically said that he’s too weak to pursue a child, so as long as he’s kept under a watchful eye, everything is fine. Of course, this is the same shrink that didn’t report the years of abuse that my stepfather and his siblings received from their father. It’s so sick. This psychologist is pretty well know and even has books out! I really want to tell the authorities, but I don’t know if it would be worth it. I don’t want to cause trouble, but I’m terrified that he’ll hurt someone else! What should I do!?
I’m 17 i was 13 when my stepdad sexually abused me, luckily i got away before he did anything too drastic, its now came to the time where i need to ttell someone but i am so terrified of whats going to happen i dont want my family to hate me, i dont want to lose thhem im so scared its unreal..
I was sexually aboused when I was 9 years old by a family’s friend. It was a one time thing. I kept this secrete to myself my whole life. I recently got married and I feel like I need to tell my husband. I’m so afraid of his reaction! I don’t know what can happen between us. I just feel like I have to tell someone.
Hi all… I was hoping someone could provide some insight. I just found out this past weekend from my girl friend that she had been sexually abused by a teacher when she was in highschool. I don’t really know the extent of it, though I know she wasn’t raped. Also, she tells me this guy is no longer teaching. She’s now 23 and I am the first person she has ever told about this.
My question is, aside from just being there for her … does this need to be reported? Is it too late as it happened about 10 years ago? And then finally… what if she doesn’t want to … is it my duty to report this?
Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.
I was raped and sexually abused from a baby until age 13. I have been seeing a counsellor for two years to try and deal with what happened. However, although my counsellor is very patient and gentle I find that Ian unable to really tell her any details, making everything still so secret. I’m embarrassed to use words (body parts, sexual acts ) etc, even too embarrassed to write or draw them. I just can’t get the words out!! Please help me..
I was Sexually abused by my cousin megan when i was 6 years old. i’m 16 now and i can’t tell my mom because she wouldn’t believe me. i got close to telling my dad, but then started feeling sick of the memory. i have told my closet friend but i’m not sure if i should tell anyone else or not. and how would i go about telling someone else if i get afraid they may think i’m lying or just don’t listen.
I was 13 when it all started with my stepdad molesting me after 3 years my best friend was there to help me tell my mom. She didn’t believe me and blamed me for it, it continued until my 18th birthday when he tried to rape me. I freaked out a man that was supposed to be my “father” that’s been there since I was 2 was trying to take my innocence.
I refused to go anywhere near him I was a wreck. He called my mom and told her everything but I am now 23 with a 2 year old of my own. My mother chose to stay with this man and since I am a single mom as I was in a highly abusive marriage I’m back with my parents have been off and on for the last two and a half years. I had a horrible confrontation with him today and he ended up physically assaulting me shoving me while I had my daughter and my mom keeps guilt tripping my over that child molesting prick excuse my choice of words. I don’t know if its too late to press charges about everything that he did to me I refuse to let my child go through what I went through any help?
Roulette, I’m very sorry you had to go through this and the best I can tell you is to check with your local authorities about whether or not the time has past already for pressing charges on your abuser. Each state has its own laws in that regard so I really don’t know the answer to that.
I was molested from about ages 8 to 10(1948 to about 1950) by an adult male in our neighborhood. We had just moved into the neighborhood and a kid my age said that I had to meet “Jack,” he was a really neat guy. So we went over to Jack’s house. Jack was in the garage with a couple of other boys my age. He acted friendly toward me, promised to take me fishing, and, given our family situation at the time (our parents were having problems and anything like affection our caring was or interest in us was very much lacking), somebody taking interest in me was very welcome. We did go fishing, I went for rides in whatever fancy car he happened to have at the time, and he even took me flying in a Piper Cub once. However, early in the relationship, he started being sexual with me. It never went past his playing with my penis, having me hold his, and french-kissing me a few times. I have no independent memory of the initial incident and how I reacted, whether I cried or fought, I do remember very well, however, another incident where my parents and Jack were sitting in our landlord’s living room, and Jack suddenly grabbed me and put me on his lap. I tried to get away but he was too strong. Then I started to cry and he let me go. My parents just sat there like a couple of stumps. I believe it was shortly after this that the molestation started. I put up with it because it turned out to be a small price to pay for some much-needed attention. But the shame was there and has never gone away. By the way, he molested at least two other boys that I know of, one of whom spent most of his adolescence and adulthood in and out of the New Jersey prison system. As for me, I never married, found it difficult to open up to anyone or develop any kind of close relationships, put in a 23-year career in the Navy, and live quietly (but not happily) in my now old age. The answer? Your kids are absolutely your responsibility. Look at them; listen to them; care about them; and love them.
Lin, I am a 30 year old disabled female,schizophrenia and depression. I was in a relationship for 3 years. Throughout the relationship my disability made it hard to communicate. Also throughout the relationship I feel I have been molested and abused by other males. I have really tried to study my disability and have read many things saying that my disability can cause me to not be able to make decisions for myself. This has happened to me 3 times . All 3 times I feel like I had no control over the situation and its sad because all 3 men knew I was disabled. My mind goes into oblivian and all shuts down to where I am not even controlling my mind or body kind of like I feel manipulated and forced to do things I didnt want to. I guess in reality I am ashamed and embarrassed that this happened to me. My partner the one I trusted doesnt understand the schizophrenia or that this happened to me. He believes I just let it happen. I was looking for advice on what I should say or what I can do.. I feel like I was eaten alive by 3 men all who knew I was disabled and even though now I know they sensed I didnt want them near me they still acted on my weakness. Any advice
Im a 16 year old and i dont know what to do. There is a close family friend who buys me things that u want and he forces me to do things. I cant do anything because my family loves him and they dont see anything wring with a 27 yr old sleeping in the same bed with a 16 yr he has been doing this for the past 3 yrs i am very scared to talk to my parents about it.
hi im kai im 23 my boy frend recently told me the other day hes was raped as a boy by a family friend he wanted me to ask him lots of questions about it but i dident have the heart to be so blunt with questions in a txt as he wouldent speak on the phone or to me about it, iv not yet told him i was raped and abused aswell when i was 11 iv never told anyone before puting it here im the only persone hes told.
My head is such a mess right now a few days ago he phoned to tell me he cheated on me it smashed my hear to pices he told me how it happoned a frend offerd him a masage he got naked his frend saw him he changes his mind and got dresed again then his friend kissed him and put his hand down it trousers then he said i was shouting no in his head but he was frozen i know why it happond like that it brought back a terrible memory for him i can so relate to it anyway i forgave him and were trying to move on but now its all i can think about and for 2 nights iv not slept because it brought all my shit back
ill relate my experence too i think the others who have are so brave to share i think if i do this i could maybe open up a little to him and tell him but i feel like he will hate me like im tainted and want nothing more to do with me im so afraid to loose him or something anyway heres my memory
i was 10 or 11 we lived in plymoth my mums boyfriend had been living with us since he had a bad spill on his motorbike not sure how long but i remember he would make me sit on his lap and hed put his hand on my leg and squeeze it then the next thing i remember is he would make me go to the shed he built in our garden that he used as a workshop and made me watch him work on things then he would make me sit on his lap and feel me as he made me feel him i dont know how long he did this for i have little memory of liveing there except the bad bits but it got worse he would put stuff in me and say thing like you like that dont you i was just so scared i hate myself and hate my body like its allways unclean like people will see im a freak i was also scared of upseting him by telling anyone he worked with guns and such befor the ban and i thought he would kill my family if i told i dont know when we moved but a few weeks befor we did he raped me at this point him and mum were in a rough patch and he wasnt moveing with us that was the last time i saw him even now im afraid to tell anyone so i thought if my BF is so dam brave he can tell me the least i can do is try to be as strong im so pathetic i cant even tell him right now he the first person iv relly ever loved befor him i would just have sex with anyone because i dont feel like i can be further fucked up or made dirtyer then i am i have a terrable memory i barly remember anything in my life as i think i shut it all out i dont remember school but when i see pics of myself i remember bits like i would be quiet and keep to myself i think i had friends as iv met perople who said they used to hang out with me and stuff but i just dont know them moste of the ppl i know now i dont consider friends even if they consider me one i lie left right and center so people can never relly know me only to chris hes the only one iv ever been so hounest with no one has ever know me before him like he dose i think i knew hed been abused befor he told me i even knew who did it though he never told me anyway thats that if this helps anyone (Inot likely) im glad right now looking at this poorly spelt bitch fest i wrote i feel kinda releved thanks
Kai
I just after 25 plus years (Im 36 now) of holding it all in and confused of my childhood, told my big sister what had happened to me and if it had happened to her. She was honest with me and said she was hoping she would die with this secret and that she knew nothing of what was happening to me. She said she was sorry she could not protect me and that she wishs she would have said something about what was happening to her so that it might have protected me. See we share the same abuser. She is very scared now that this is all out again, for me it has been a battle for years of not knowing for sure, I blocked so much out from the age of 12 and earlier and every year it came out more and more in my head, it is all very unclear and fuzzy still, but there is enough there to be something. We both fear telling our mother and father, me because I am unsure if my mom can take it physically ans mentally after all these years, my sister because she feels she will lose her family. I told her we NEED to do this together and that We will make it through this….I just need help to know what is the right direction as an adult to tell your family about the abuse after 25 plus years and what to say or do next.
Thank you so much
Scott
I was abused as a young child by a respected doctor who was well known to my parents. I didn’t tell anyone until many years later and have had years of therapy.
It hasn’t gone particularly well. Even though my wife knew of the abuse, it has gotten harder for me as I’ve been going through therapy. She doesn’t understand and feels that I should “just get over it.”
I’ve told only four other people other than therapists. They have been very supportive.
I do believe that you must deal with the issue, but so far for me, it’s been harder than when no one knew. I’m still hoping to see significant improvement but working through things is much more painful than locking things away.