Should You Tell You Were Sexually Abused? What Happens When You Tell?
These are some of the questions I’ve received from child sexual abuse victims over the last few weeks, from sexually abused children as young as 10 to older victims in their teens, and others that are married and have children of their own. They all wanted to know what they should do, who they can or should tell, if they should tell anyone about being sexually abused, and how to tell a parent they were sexually abused.
Yes, if someone is sexually abusing you or has sexually abused you in the past, you should tell a trustworthy adult about the abuse and as soon as possible. Why should you tell? Because keeping the abuse a secret is what your abuser wants, and you need help from adults to stop the abuse and stop the abuser from molesting or raping anyone else.
Sexual abuse statistics show that child molesters don’t molest just one person and then suddenly stop. No, pedophiles and child molesters continue to sexually abuse victims until they are caught and arrested, and the authorities are able to bring charges against your abuser so he or she can no longer harm anyone else.
As I’ve said before, most sexually abused children don’t tell because they are afraid to tell, were threatened by their abuser or because victims feel guilty, embarrassed and ashamed. It’s important for sexually abused children, teens and even adult victims to know and understand that what has happened to you is not your fault, and the person who has sexually abused you must be stopped from repeating the abuse against you or anyone else.
Unfortunately, some parents don’t react to being told their child has been sexually abused in the right way, which only creates more problems and stress for the victim. Some mothers and fathers choose not to believe their own child’s disclosure of being sexually abused. Some parents have been known to blame the victim for the abuse, going so far as to claim their child “seduced” their abuser, and/or do nothing to stop the continued abuse of their own child.
If you are being sexually abused or have been abused in the past, ask yourself who you know that will help you. Choose an adult you trust that will help you and then tell that person what has happened to you. That person may be your mother or father, a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, the school counselor, teacher, school nurse or even a police officer.
What happens when you tell? The adult you tell is required by law to tell the police or a social worker, because children of all ages have a right to be protected from sexual abuse, and the person who has abused you needs to be stopped. The social worker or police officer will need to ask you some questions about what happened to you, and if you were sexually abused in your own home, the authorities will want to talk to you somewhere else.
Read this excellent, printable, 13-page sexual abuse packet that victims of all ages and parents need to read, save to your computer and/or print off to read. The packet explains who to tell, how to tell, and what will happen when you tell in easy-to-read and easy-to-understand language even kids can understand. Kids, just click on these words —> Sexual Abuse Information Packet so you can read more on how to tell someone you were sexually abused and get the help you need.
Most children who have told about being sexually abused say it’s worth it because “telling freed them of the guilty secret”, and adults who are getting counseling after being sexually abused when they were children say “I only wish I could have told someone when I was a child.”
Should you tell a spouse you were sexually abused? Yes, you should. When you chose your husband or wife, you married him or her with life experiences that shapes who you are today, and the effects of having been sexually abused can take a long time to recover from, if ever.
Trusting your spouse to be there for you through “better or worse” includes those times when sharing painful memories of past experiences and abuse not only brings you closer together, but helps take away some of the negative self-esteem feelings many victims hold onto for many years and a loving, supportive spouse can make all the difference in the world.
Similar Posts:
- Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talking to Your Children About Sexual Abuse
- Books on Sexual Abuse-Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse-Healing Sexual Abuse
- Violence Unsilenced – True Life Personal Survivor Stories of Abuse, Domestic Violence, Rape
- Child Sexual Abuse: Blaming Mothers of Sexually Abused Children
- Sexual Predator Masquerading as Parent Blogger
Lin, I always advised my students to tell me, if they’re been sexually abused by their parents, neighbors or strangers. Most of the time, we won’t know, if we didn’t tell the truth…
i was abused as a young child and find it very hard to talk about, i really dont want to tell my partner as im scared that he wouldnt want to touch me again, so i think sometimes its best to keep to yourself.
Nicola, I understand all too well the difficulties associated with talking to anyone about having been sexually abused. But…, talking about what happened to you as a child is the FIRST step towards healing. The fact that it’s very hard for you to talk about sexual abuse tells me you’ve likely got a lot of pent up emotions and stress (after effects) remaining in your heart and mind.
Speaking from experience, I can tell you that talking about your personal experience with someone who loves you and cares about you can do a lot to help you deal with the effects of having been sexually abused. If it weren’t for having talked about my experiences with people who care about me, I would never have gotten to the point where I could advocate and write about sexual abuse on this site. It would be too hard to deal with.
And…, the person who abused you is hoping you won’t tell. Ever. You’re going through your own personal “hell” by not talking about your experience. Who else but your loving husband to tell about what happened to you? If you will ever break free from the torment of having been a victim of sexual abuse, you must talk about it.
From comments and emails I’ve received on the articles about sexual abuse on this site, it is very possible that there are questions in your husbands mind about the sexual intimacy in your marriage. It’s at least possible that he wonders if something had happened to you as a child, but he’s too nervous or afraid to ask you directly. I’ve received numerous emails from husbands asking me about their wife and what they thought were signs that their wife had been abused as a child. Once they asked their wives about it, they each talked at length and discovered they were right. The men/husbands were very understanding and had empathy for their wives, and love her no matter what. They’re now reading some of the books about sexual abuse for spouses and lovers on healing from sexual abuse, and their relationship has been improved by talking about it. Think about it Nicola.
[...] tell someone. Tell someone you can trust. Tell someone who will listen, but do tell your story. Tell Violence [...]
I was sexually abused by my brother when i was younger i never told anyone because i fell as though no one would believe he would do something like that so i kept it to myself but i write on my computer about my experience and that helps me relieve some of that pain
Ariel,
Telling about your personal experience of being sexually abused is so important, in order to heal from the past. Kids don’t tell they were abused because of fear, just like you said. You thought no one would believe you, so you’ve kept it to yourself all this time. Fortunately, there are now books about sexual abuse on the market that not only help sexual abuse victims tell they were abused, but these books also help in the healing process. There is also an incredible website called Violence Unsilenced where abuse victims can tell their personal stories if they want to, and do so anonymously if that is their choice. Children who are or were being abused sexually need to tell their stories.
I told my husband about my sexual abuse and he used it against me to control me. He would make cruel snide remarks about it. He would invite my abusers (who were my family members) to our home and maintain a relationship with them – my abusers acted as if the horrific physical abuse was no big deal and the sexual abuse simply did not happen (the abuse had continued for the 20 years I was in my family home). I was frightened of my abusers and their presence in my home and in my life because of my husband, prolonged my trauma and delayed my recovery. I had to fight for many years with my husband to get these people out of my life because without that I had no safety and no way to heal from the trauma. I am divorced now but I still find it extremely shocking that my husband used my trauma against me and made it clear to my family that they had his support against me (repeatedly they would call him or meet him because they knew I did not want them in my life but Husband had made it clear with his behavior that he did not support me despite knowing about the abuse). I was subjected to horrific sadistic abuse and unfortunately because I come from a South Asian culture, where wat happens in the home stays in the home, I had nobody to turn to and the few times I revealed my situation to outsiders, I was told to just ignore as if it was not happenning and go on living with my family.
I am divorced now but I still find it extremely hard to believe that a man’s hunger to control a woman is so great that he doesnt think twice about retraumatizing somebody who is already severely traumatized. If any of you find yourself in a relationship where the terror u feel for your abusers is used to control you by a boyfriend or spouse, please please leave the situation as soon as you can. Nothing is worth putting yourself through that torture.
And if u reveal your abuse to your bf or husband, please brace yourself for the possibility that the man who the first time listens to you with empathy may also be the man who will soon make cruel remarks or otherwise use your abuse to hurt you – and if that does happen, please leave that person because people with such an utter lack of empathy can never be changed. My husband is still the same man he used to be and if I go back to him like he wants me to, I have no doubt that he will do such things again although he may be more subtle and cunning about it – to this day, despite my tears, anger and heartbeak, he has never once denounced my family in clear terms and never once expressed clear support for me against my family, he is just too passive agressive, too much of a control freak to let me have the assurance of knowing that the man who claims to love me and wants me back even after our divorce, actually will support me from people who have done worse things to me than anybody ever has or ever will. I am so terrified that the next time I get married, somebody will do this to me again. Please please dont let a abusive spouse use your trauma as a torture tactic. (my husband was also physically abusive, very controlling and withheld emotional intimacy and sex from me- the abuse seems to be just another weapon in his arsenal of many weapons used to hurt me).