UPDATED: Who pays for what? Who decides the wedding budget when planning a wedding? Who pays the wedding costs and expenses according to traditional wedding etiquette vs. modern etiquette? Who pays for the honeymoon? How do you go about planning a wedding when you have Cinderella wedding dreams dancing in your head?
Who pays for what is a common question for brides, grooms, and their families when it comes time to begin planning a wedding. If you do an online search for “wedding who pays”, “who pays for wedding” or even “who pays for what wedding”, you’ll find a lot of old-fashioned, archaic nonsense akin to the 18th or 19th century.
It’s about time that brides, grooms and parents begin to pay attention and accept the changes taking place in American wedding customs about who pays for weddings, receptions and honeymoons with open arms, not an open bank account, Credit Cards or loans.
Planning a Wedding On a Budget
According to The Knot Wedding Shop, a popular wedding planning website, the average cost of a wedding in the U.S. is expected to drop at least 10% in 2009 from the average price of $21,814 for a wedding in 2008. Due to the economy, personal financial circumstances and just plain common sense, engaged couples and families are having to find ways to cut wedding costs while still planning a beautiful, affordable, spectacular wedding that won’t create a financial burden for whoever ultimately pays for the wedding.
“Traditional” rules say the bride’s parents pay for everything but the kitchen sink, except for a little help from the groom’s family, who have traditionally been expected to pay for the rehearsal dinner and groom’s cake. Tradition hasn’t been too kind to the bride’s parents, who have been saddled for far too long with the cost of an expensive wedding and reception for their darling daughter and her Cinderella fairytale-fantasy dreams of the perfect wedding.
This is not the 18th or 19th century, and traditional wedding customs have shifted to a more modern view of wedding etiquette and how wedding expenses are to be paid and by whom. Thank goodness for that! Despite your best efforts, weddings, receptions and honeymoons can easily become very expensive, and no one should feel obligated to accept a financial burden of paying more than what is reasonable or what you feel comfortable paying, if anything.
The days of planning a wedding and reception, then sticking dear ol’ mom and dad with the whole tab are over, but some of today’s brides want to have their cake and eat it too. These brides want what they want and they want it now, and when it comes right down it, some brides use the buzz words “traditionally, parents pay for the wedding and reception” in order to guilt-trip parents into paying for a “typical wedding” they may not be able to afford.
In the olden, “traditional” days, women typically stayed at home and didn’t have jobs or careers of their own and couples certainly weren’t living together as is so common today, but try as you may to remind your son or daughter that times have changed to a more modern view of wedding etiquette, and you will likely see some rolling of the eyes or foot stomping as they attempt to come up with another guilt-trip.
Traditional views and trends have changed to where we now see couples deciding to live together before marriage while working full-time jobs of their own, couples getting married later in life, and the increased number of second marriages and blended families.
This more “modern” trend towards greater maturity before marriage brings higher income levels and the ability for engaged couples to take on a more responsible, active role in paying for their own wedding, reception and honeymoon, according to their personal wedding budget.
Who Pays for What?
That is not to say that parents and families on either side can’t or shouldn’t help pay for or assist in covering the cost of a wedding. If you can, want or decide to pay for or split the costs of your son or daughter’s wedding, by all means do so. Just don’t get caught up in the tangled web of old-fashioned rules of traditional wedding etiquette, or allow your son or daughter to hurl guilt-trips at you when or if you are unable to afford paying what he or she expects you to pay for their wedding.
Which begs the question; Who decides what the wedding budget will be? More traditional, typical nonsense found online, in bridal magazines and wedding books telling couples how to plan a wedding, suggest that couples who have told their parents they are getting married should FIRST: decide what type of wedding they want, create a wedding planning checklist, choose the wedding location, decide the theme, style, colors etc, decide how many bridesmaids and groomsmen there will be, decide the wedding budget and THEN hit the parents up for the money.
Back up the horse-drawn carriage or thoughts of wedding limousine services for a modern-day reality-check. Before the bride and groom jump feet first into planning a wedding, ordering a tiffany wedding cake, picking out his and her wedding bands, or begin shopping for wedding china and table settings, couples should FIRST: have a conversation with each person or family member that is hoped/expected to pay for the wedding in order to ASK what each can afford to contribute to the wedding (if anything), BEFORE making any money-related decisions whatsoever.
THEN you will know in advance how much money there is to work with, and you can plan your wedding around a wedding budget that has been decided by the people who are actually paying for the wedding. Your parents/family may offer to pay for certain parts of the wedding, like paying for your wedding dress, the wedding flowers, invitations or food at the reception etc, or they may offer you a lump sum of money to help cover the overall cost of the wedding.
It is possible that your parents or family may not be financially able to contribute any monies at all; which means the engaged couple will have to pay for the entire wedding themselves. Even if your parents or family cannot afford to pay for the wedding as a whole or in part, you can still have a beautiful, if not spectacular, wedding by searching for creative, inexpensive or cheap wedding planning ideas.
Sources:
Who Pays For What at a Wedding
Wedding Budget: Who Pays For What
Old-School Wedding Etiquette Gets a Thoroughly Modern Makeover
Who Pays For Weddings These Days?
Son’s Wedding…well what do you think?
Related article: How to Plan a Wedding
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This was such a good article and very well balanced since more and more couples don’t have the luxury of family helping.
My husband and I paid for everything ourselves and planned a 100 guest wedding in 3 months for under 3000. It CAN be done. The most important things I can say are that:
Weddings are great, but don’t forget it’s about the marriage- don’t let the wedding and paying for it get in the way of your relationship.
Don’t go into debt for the wedding. Marriage is hard work and getting used to one another is hard enough without also stressing about the extra debt you both now share for that one day.
Know that you can have a beautiful wedding on the cheap and you really can do it yourself. It’s intimidating, but not hard. Ebay and craft stores are your best friends!
U know what Lin, there is a tradition called ‘Dowry’ in the eastern countries like India where the bride’s family has to pay money as well as give gifts (read various home furnishing items, clothes and jewellary for the grrom’s family etc.) as a wedding ritual, apart from taking care of all the wedding expenses. This tradition is taken undue advantage of and the bride’s family is actually tortured. So much so that girl child is considered a burden on parents there.
Though the government has baneed the Dowry ritual, it continues in the underbelly as a mutually understood system. There are also cases where newly wed brides are tortured and even murdered because she failed to bring in enough dowry.
I guess the situation is so much better in the West, where the groom’s family shares the wedding expenses even if marginally so!
When I got married, we approached both sets of parents and asked them what they would be willing to help with. From there we knew what we would be willing to pay ourselves and were able to set reasonable aspirations for our wedding.
Honestly, if my fiancee want to share the payment for the our wedding, I won’t stop her to do so, as I always respected her decision no matter what, Lin.
I have always admired a couple that has the “DIY” attitude. I guess that it’s just my personality, but I enjoy a smaller and more organic affair over a HUGE traditional wedding.
If you are doing things yourself, when it comes to purchasing wedding band and jewelry, learn as much as you can about your basic metal options – platinum, palladium, and gold. And keep an eye on each metal’s current market value. Like oil – they tend to fluctuate. An educated consumer is really the jewelry industry’s best customer.
The typical wedding planner dictates that the bride’s parents pay for the wedding. In reality, these days that isn’t always the norm.
My second wife and I both have two sets of parent. We had been living together for 8 years, but were ill equipped to throw our own wedding. We could contribute, sure, but to throw the whole shin-dig would be out of our realm. We asked each parent-couple to contribute $500 and they all agreed wholeheartedly. That gave us a budget of $2,000 which was plenty!
Paul, the “typical” wedding planner does say that the bride’s parents pay for the wedding, and there are now some wedding planning books and sites that have begun bringing the groom’s parents/family into the equation of who pays.
I’ve lost count of the number of emails I’ve received from parents saying their son or daughter is planning their wedding and wants…no, “expects” the parents to pay for an elaborate, expensive “cinderella wedding” that the parents are in no position to pay for.
Several parents emailed me saying they are unable to afford the type of wedding costs ($22,000 +) that their son or daughter presented to them, and the other set of parents were in no better position financially than they were and the engaged couple were furious that they now have to trim the guest list, amongst other things.
One mother who emailed me said she’s a widow and living on a fixed income, but her daughter literally started stomping her feet and poured on a guilt trip when the mother told her daughter she couldn’t afford to pay the $26,000 total cost for the wedding she was dreaming of “her whole life”.
Parents are certainly wanting and willing to help pay for their son or daughter’s wedding, but the problem often lies in what the bride and groom’s expectations are for their wedding and the ability for the parents to pay.
That’s why I strongly recommend the wedding budget be discussed first with everyone and anyone involved in covering the expenses of the wedding/reception/honeymoon etc before anything else is done, so that the bride, groom and everyone involved in paying for the wedding are all on the same page.
My sister and her fiance are making my mom and dad crazy right now with thier wedding. last night was the big talk about what kind of wedding and reception they wanted and the estimate came to be around 27000! my dad almost fell on the floor and my moms face said it all. my parents are both retired and living on a fixed income and no way are they able to afford my sisters wedding and when my parents told her she got mad and stormed out of the house cryin. just like you said about a bride wanting what she wants, that is what my mom and dad are going through now. I tried to tell my sister she can have a very nice wedding but it doesn’t have to cost so much but she didn’t want to hear it. somehow people need to understand when the parents traditional pay for the wedding it’s what the parents can afford not what the girl or guy wants.
Hi Sharonda,
Wow, that sounds like a very expensive wedding, and from the emails I’ve received over the last several months, this amount falls right in line with the price range of many planning their wedding. Depending on what your parents are able to afford, there’s some really good information tips online about paying for a wedding that is much less expensive than that and still makes a beautiful wedding.
If you do a search online for “plan a wedding under” you’ll get some great tips and advice on how to plan a wedding under say…$10K, $5K, under 3000 and even less than that, like a wedding under 500 or 300. If you like, shoot me an email from my Contact page and I’d be happy to send you some really good links that talk about cheap wedding planning and I bet your parents and your sister and her fiance will be surprised and happy at the same time.
As parents, we need to learn to say NO! We give them life and 18 years of love, give them shelter and thier needs are met. Assisting them with college is hard enough but weddings are 6 hours long and in the end, you should not be in a lifetime of debt. What about retirement? By the time college and weddings are paid for,there is little left.
As far as the divorce bill, she got herself into this, now let her figure it out. Chances are she will take her next marriage more serious if she has to pay for her bad judgement!
Hi Debbie, thanks for weighing in on this. It is shocking to me personally that after just 6 months of marriage this young lady now wants a divorce. I can’t help but think that she fell into the trap of not thinking ahead of time about what her expectations of marriage really were. Marriage is very serious and should be taken seriously, and anyone considering getting married needs to think about what their real reasons are for wanting to get married in the first place. This poor guy that she got married to must be simply heart broken right now, as I said in the comments on the other related post, he wants to work on the marriage and hopes it will last. It doesn’t appear that it’s going to happen though, since this young lady is adamant that she wants out of the marriage.
Great stuff here, I totally agree about the way our wedding was, and how a lot of it was out of our pocket. It is very wise to try and spread the costs between family members.
I will be back to read up on more great wedding ideas.
-Jenny
With the indian weddings, families just try to compete with each other. Prestige issues. If they don’t do a lavish wedding then they feel they won’t be well respected. Most the times, the bride and groom have to foot the bill after. It’s like another mortgage.
Simple advice. Get married at a temple / church and use the money to go on a honeymoon (Extra long one). People will talk but who cares. They won’t be there when you need them.
great article, I have to agree the way our wedding went, and how a lot of it was out of our pocket. It makes sense to try and spread the costs between family members.
I found some great wedding speech examples at [site removed] if you are interested
Dwight, as much as I appreciate legitimate comments on my blog, deliberate spam is not welcome. Therefore I’ve delinked your name within your comment and your extra link attempt within your comment. Next time, I will just put your name and info into Askimet and you’ll find yourself filtered as spam on other sites as well. Please, don’t do it again.
The bride and groom should be prepared financially to pay for any part of the wedding that is not covered by the parents. Many parents expect to contribute, but not to the point of fiscal irresponsibility. The best way to determine what donations you may receive is to ask, and then plan around the amounts provided to you, taking on the financial responsibility to finish it off if need be.
You make some very good points HW. One of the biggest problems brides run into is when they make a bunch of wedding decisions before they even know how much money there will be in the “pot” to spend on planning the wedding. Talking with the parents first, before making any plans or signing contracts etc, should be priority one. That way the bride will know what their wedding budget is and can make plans around that amount.
This was such a good article and very well balanced since more and more couples don’t have the luxury of family helping.
Thanks David! I’ve heard from a few more parents, both mothers and fathers of brides-to-be, who are stressed out to the max because of what they’re daughter or son is expecting them to pay for in regards to the wedding. Many of these parents are retired or disabled in some way, or in a very difficult financial spot because of the economy and can’t afford to pay for the wedding and the kids are using guilt and manipulation to get their way. Paying for a wedding with credit cards is a very dangerous and risky thing to do, which a couple of these brides suggested to their parents, and fortunately the parents said no.
For too long, “fairy tale weddings” and marriages have held us captive. It can be a real rude “awakening” when two people, who thought they were “so in love” begin to share their lives together. The smallest of issues can become huge! I dated my current husband for 5 years before we married. Even lived together for 1. After 12 yrs of marriage, raising children, and generally being caught up in life and living… even as much in love as we were… tragic events happened. My best advice? Live in reality. Take off the rose colored glasses… NOW! This is another human being and you WILL have issues! Take courses together to keep you communicating honestly! Don’t hide out, seek help before the issues get too big! All this to also say: It doesn’t however, mean that you shouldn’t enjoy your moment! COMMUNICATION and creating a reality based wedding is far more enjoyable and easier on all involved! Fairy Tale is a “state of mind”!
Jyl,
I think the operative words in your comment are very true and realistic. The Fairy Tale “Cinderella” wedding is not only unrealistic in a variety of ways but extremely expensive, which many/most parents cannot afford. A wedding is just one day in the lives of engaged couples, and as nice as weddings can be, going broke or bankrupt in the process of planning or hosting a wedding is not a smart practice.
Lin, Thanks for the opportunity to comment… I love your site!
This was a great read. I was lucky enough to be married at the wisconsin capitol last year, and since i know the governor it didn’t cost for that part. But the rest of our wedding costs were kept as minium as could be and it still ended up just under $5000.00
We really saved for over a year to pay for it but in the long run we have been happy with our decission to pay for the wedding expenses our selves. My parents would still be paying for our wedding if we had not saved and paid ourselves. Most people don’t realise how expensive a wedding can really be, they plan big and find out it will cost more than they bargain for. The old fashion way needs to be rethought, people can’t expect to have a lavish wedding and expect someone else pay for it, thats unfair to your parents in some cases it could cripple them financally.
Hi Tina,
There are many ways of cutting costs for a wedding and reception. The parents that I hear from on a regular basis say their kid wants what they want and the wedding does not fit the “cheap” category at all. These parents are baffled; some tell me after the fact that they put some of the wedding costs on a credit card and will be paying for it for quite a long time. Others say they dipped into their retirement fund against their better judgment and are now regretting doing so. One mother emailed me saying her daughter was looking through a pile of Bridal Magazines and found pictures of an extremely expensive wedding gown and bridesmaids dresses etc, and this girl told her mother that THAT is the wedding she wants. When the mom totaled up what it would cost IF she agreed to pay for that kind of wedding, the total cost came out to $52,000. The mom said no. Whew.
Interesting article. I think that with today’s economy, the couple should aleviate the parents burdon and pay for some of the expensess.
My wife is Indonesian, in the island where she comes from it’s tradition for the bride to be’s parents to ask the groom and his parents for the money to cover the cost of the wedding.
They’re thinking is ‘very’ rigid and anything else is highly frowned upon unfortunately.
I have the same issue and it is causing my girlfriend much grief and heartache. I really need advice as what to do. My parents are pretty poor and I’m struggling to make ends meet and we never thought we’d need a wedding savings account as our family has always been married into and the brides father has always paid for the wedding parts he traditionally paid and we paid our traditional parts as is American custom.
I completely agree with the issue of bride and groom nowadays not knowing the exact “etiquette” of who would pay for what at their wedding… Formal weddings nowadays average almost $30,000 so there is definitely enough incentive for most couples to ask for the right wedding etiquette … who pays for what?
Until not too long ago, it was seldom a question for brides and grooms as to who will pick up the wedding expenses. At least for formal weddings, the traditional way has always been for the bride’s father, her family respectively, to pay for their daughter’s wedding. One major reason for this “traditional” rule was that couples used to get married at a comparatively early stage in their lifes, starting off their life together at a point where financial dependency to their parents was often the rule. This, however changed over the past few decades. Nowadays, couples often not only get married at a later point in their lifes, but also at a point where they are financially secured enough to cover their own wedding expenses.
Another reason why the traditional “wedding etiquette, who pays for what” changed – at least if we want to believe polls asking “newly-wed” couples – is that more and more couples nowadays want to have their own “say” in the wedding. From the guest-list to the menu, from the flower bouquets to the wedding cake … should the wedding have classical music, or the couple’s most favorite local band … should we really invite uncle Graig, who never agreed to our wedding to begin with? I am summarizing useful information on this and related wedding topics on wedding etiquette who pays for what and wedding shower etiquette, I really beleave that the topic of wedding etiquette is a truly wide minefield; in order to comply with today’s “correct” etiquette, one has to do some serious research – but this blog is a great starting point in my opinion…
wowzers – those figures are insane!! I could never imagine spending that much on one day! that money could so much better be put towards a deposit on a house and it would last a lot longer too! When I got married I didn’t expect my parents to pay for anything – me and my hubby had some savings and it was a bonus that my parents gave us some money to put towards costs and my mum wanted to buy my dress. But we were prepared to pay for all of it if needs be and we just organised it to fit with the budget we had. Also as we had been living together for so long we didn’t really need any of the usual wedding gifts like toasters and kettles etc so we just set up a fund with the company we booked our honeymoon with and guests could just give to that instead of buying some kitchen utensil! It meant that we had a fab honeymoon (we did an around the world trip for a month) and came back with great memories rather than saddled with debt! Guests thought it was such a good idea that lots of our friends who have got married since have done the same thing. The idea of the girls mentioned above who expect their parents to fork out £27000 and getting stroppy when they can’t is unbelieveable to me – spoilt and brat come to mind!
I think some parents are still super traditional and want to pay for the wedding of their children. I was really lucky in that my father inlaw was insistant on paying for our wedding. We agreed but as long as we could pay for certain things like invitation cards and drinks at the engagement party etc. We would have been happy to pay for our own wedding but our generous family helped us out. We used the money we’d saved and used it as a deposit for our first house.
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Tradition stated that the Father of The Bride, or rather the brides family, would pay for the wedding. However, recent spiralling costs have meant that this is no longer an expectation…nor should it be. Hvaing had three daughters married in the last three years, if I had had to pay for the wedding in full then I simply could not have done it. Thankfully, though there seems to be a fairer split these days. Often the grooms family will contribute significantly and the bride and groom themselves will hopefully have saved money. Prior to my eldest daughter getting married, my wife and I sat down with my daughter and her soon-to-be husband and his parents and we discussed what each could offer. It worked out very well.
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Thanks for the analysis about who should foot the bill. I agree, things have changed quite a big since these traditions were first put in place, and a lot of them don’t make much sense anymore. It seems to me that if a bride and groom want a very elaborate wedding, they should probably be willing (and able) to pay for it themselves. (At least that’s what my parents always told me — not to expect them to help pay!) Weddings can be expensive, and it’s better that no one go into debt trying to pay for one they can’t afford simply because they are expected to.
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Haha I think the whole “$10,000 is cheap” deal that I’ve heard from multiple sources is ridiculous. I went to my parents with a $3000 budget and everything more or less planned out (just haven’t called all my family asking for chairs) and they were shocked that I asked them for that little. I think they were thinking they would have to be contributing a lot more. But isn’t a wedding a celebration of love (which is free, last time I checked) and 2 people starting their lives together? I’m sorry, but my wedding will not be a fairytale (when is life one?) nor will it be perfect. But it will be meaningful and fun.