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Can you divorce your parents? How do you divorce your parents if you are an adult child dealing with controlling parents or in-laws, or a teenager seeking legal minor emancipation or “divorce” from your parents? Are you dealing with a toxic, abusive and/or controlling parent and want to know how to “divorce” your parents?
I’ve received several “divorce your parents” email questions in recent weeks, from adult children dealing with over-involved, controlling parents who don’t know how to parent adult children, and from teens who think that getting pregnant on purpose or getting married too young is the way to qualify for emancipation from parents in order to get out from underneath their parents thumb. I’ll first respond to the adult children, then the teens.
If you are an adult child who has been researching “parents controlling adult children” or “controlling parents”, you likely came across my articles about parents helping vs. enabling adult children and didn’t think those apply to your specific situation (or they do apply, but that’s not what you want to hear and you don’t want to admit it).
How To Divorce Your Parents
Based on some of the emails I’ve received, I’d venture to say that there is a strong possibility that you may have a sense of entitlement that makes you want to “have your cake and eat it too”, but you can’t have it both ways.
If you really are dealing with “controlling parents” or in-laws that don’t understand what parenting adult children means or the need for respectful boundaries, these articles will help explain that “divorcing” controlling, toxic parents
Allow yourself the personal right to disengage, disassociate, and detach.
- Toxic Relationships-Toxic Family Members
- What It Means To Let Go
- How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law
- How to Be a Good Step-Parent
- How to Get Along With the In-Laws
Reasons given for adult children divorcing their parents include:
- Parents who hit and/or verbally abuse their adult children despite being grown, married with children and living independently of parents.
- Parents who don’t show even the slightest measure of respect to their grown children, or anyone else.
- Parents who habitually lie and steal money from their own children.
- Parents who purposely attempt to drive a wedge between their married son/daughter and spouse, in an effort to cause a divorce because of not “liking” their son-in-law or daughter-in-law.
I could go on and on with this list of “divorce your parents” reasons, but you get the idea.
Part of being an adult is having the backbone or assertiveness to stand up for yourself and say NO. You can say NO by not answering phone calls or responding to emails or letters, not attending or participating in family functions, and not allowing yourself to get drawn into the insidious, toxic family drama that you find so upsetting.
An “emotional divorce” from parents may be temporary or long-term. You may discover, after a period of time goes by, that you begin to feel the desire to gradually reconnect with your parents, where new rules and boundaries are assertively negotiated and respectfully followed on both sides.
Or, you may find that the time spent not talking to or visiting with your parents over a period of time brings you the peace and tranquility you’ve needed, where you now have no desire whatsoever of ever reestablishing a relationship with your parents. Whether or not you ever decide to reconnect with your parents is a personal decision you have to live with, along with whatever consequences come from your personal choice or decision on the matter.
Emancipation of Minors
What are your reasons to get emancipated? Saying “I want to get emancipated” isn’t good enough. A minor may seek minor emancipation (often referred to as teen emancipation or child emancipation) for reasons such as abuse, neglect, marriage, teen pregnancy, joining the military or just to be an independent adult.
Unfortunately, some teens throw around the “abuse” and “neglect” words quite freely and undeservedly towards their parents rules and guidelines, and think that emancipation of minors is their personal “get-out-of-jail” free card to do whatever they want without any parental oversight or control.
Reality Check: Emancipation decrees are rarely granted and the court reserves the right to rescind the right and place the minor into the care of the state at any time, for any reason, before the minor reaches the age of majority.
Sure, there are some new “rights” after becoming emancipated, but there are other adult “rights” you will be responsible for as well. Such as:
- Support yourself financially. A judge will not grant your emancipation if you are unable to totally support yourself.
- Paying for your own food, clothing and shelter. Getting and paying for your own medical, dental, and automobile insurance.
- Pay all of your own bills. Your income must be from a legal source.
- You must go to school. Emancipation and education laws require minors stay in school, finish high school until they graduate or reach the age of 18.
- Child labor laws still apply, which means you can’t work as many hours as you may want.
- As a minor, you can’t have sex, drink alcohol or vote until you are of legal age. Forget the idea of becoming a teenage pregnancy statistic just to become emancipated. The laws governing unlawful sexual intercourse (“statutory rape”) means it is illegal for a minor to engage in sex with anyone (even if it’s with another minor), unless the teen is married and having intercourse with his or her spouse.
Running away from home and/or having sex anyway could very well show the judge that you are a troubled, rebellious teenager in need of counseling rather than emancipation. Having sex anyway could mean your “significant other” will find themselves on the list of convicted sex offenders; and it will not work to your advantage when trying to convince a court judge that you are “mature” or deserving of emancipation.
Teens, do you know the legal age to move out of the house without parent consent or permission in your state? If you commit a crime (ie. unlawful sexual intercourse) you may be tried as an adult in a court of law. Whether or not you become emancipated has nothing to do with being tried as an adult. (Age of Consent)
There is a big difference between emancipation and divorcing a parent, but far too often, teens don’t take the time to become knowledgeable about minor emancipation laws or ask the necessary questions regarding becoming emancipated, such as:
- What is minor emancipation? Legal emancipation from parents is a process that gives a teen legal independence from his or her parent or guardian before the “age of majority” (18 years old in most states), whereby a minor may petition the courts to be legally responsible for him or herself and no longer under the custody and control of parents.
- How old do you have to be to get emancipated? Emancipation laws vary from state to state. If the state you live in has an emancipation law, (only about half of them do) it usually requires the minor to be at least 16.
- How do you get emancipated? In the United States, there are three main ways to become emancipated.
1. Get married - Getting married too young and marrying for the wrong reasons will put you on the fast track towards divorce so quick it would make your head spin. (See Marriageable Age)
2. Join the military – you must meet the military’s minimal educational requirements and provide a valid high school diploma or GED. The military must still be willing to accept you.
3. Go to court and have the judge declare you emancipated by “judicial declaration”
In order to get a judge to grant an emancipation judicial declaration, you must prove the following:
- You are at least 14 years old (emancipation age varies by state)
- You don’t want to live with your parents and your parents will consent
- You must prove you are mature. How? Do an online search for “signs of maturity” and “signs of immaturity” and see how your maturity level pans out. Witness accounts from friends, teachers, counselors, YOU, employers, and other responsible adults who will provide testimony of various signs of maturity as proof for the court.
- You can financially and legally support yourself
- You must show that emancipation would be in your best interests.
Court cost of emancipation – To get emancipated, legal forms commonly known as “emancipation papers” or “emancipation forms” will need to be filed with the court. The average filing and court fee is about $250.00, plus the cost of your legally required attorney. Attorney fees for emancipation average between $800-$1000, if the petition is not contested by your parents, otherwise the costs could be much higher if parental permission is not granted. Can you afford emancipation?
Do I need my parents’ consent (permission) to get emancipated? Yes. Minors need parental consent (and consent by the courts) to get married and parental permission to join the military. Plus, the armed forces is under no obligation to accept you. To become emancipated, a minor must give his/her parents notice of the court hearing, and the parents may go to court to contest the emancipation.
Parents: You can do an online search for “Prevent your child from becoming emancipated” for more information on that.
Teens, emancipation is a very heavy responsibility and must be taken very seriously. There are alternatives to emancipation as well, such as your parents consenting to you living with another relative or family friend. Otherwise, you will just have to suck it up and deal with your parents like the rest of us until you are automatically emancipated when you turn 18 and can legally move out of the house and be on your own.
Similar Posts:
- Need a Divorce Lawyer? Common Divorce Mistakes Women Make
- How to Tell Your Parents You Are Getting Married
- Grandma Stories-Grandma and Grandpa Visitation Rights-What Do I Know?
- Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents
- Children and Divorce: How to Tell Children About Your Divorce
Before anything else, I would like some clarification on this.
“The laws governing unlawful sexual intercourse (“statutory rape”) means it is illegal for a minor to engage in sex with anyone (even if it’s with another minor), unless the teen is married and having intercourse with his or her spouse. ”
Does the law allow teenage marriage? I thought 18 was the leagal age to get married with or without parental consent.
Hi Janet,
In most states in the U.S., teens can get married WITH parental and/or judicial/court consent before turning 18. (See Marriageable Age) Some states allow teen marriage without parental consent IF there is a teen pregnancy – which is why some teens consider getting pregnant on purpose just to be able to get out from under their parents thumb. Sad, but true.
Once reaching the age of 18 (19 in Nebraska), people can marry without getting parent consent. If you check that Marriageable Age link, you’ll find a full list of states and countries listing the ages someone can/has to be in order to get married, including other countries other than the United States. I’ve edited the post to include a couple of these type links, since I do get quite a bit of web traffic from many other countries, for clarification purposes.
I’ve seen numerous forums and message boards where teens as young as 14 are asking if they would be allowed to get married in their state because they’re pregnant and are afraid to tell their parents. Other teens have asked if they can move out of the house at the age of 15 or 16 to get married, because their mother and/or father are disciplining them for teen rebellion type situations and the teenager wants a quick way out. Ha.
In Texas, I know that the “move out of the house age” is 17 – where the police won’t haul their butts back home. Otherwise teens who “move out” or actually runaway from home can be brought back to the parents or guardians numerous times by reporting their teen as a runaway.
Wow! That is quite some information. And just think about kids getting pregnant just to escape the clutches of their parents :O
I wonder what happens to filial ties at all!!!
A great article for a serious matter.
The best thing was what you said:
“Part of being an adult is having the backbone or assertiveness to stand up for yourself and say NO”
Couldn’t be closer than this to the truth.
I’ve written a similar article about Controlling parents and I completely agree with you that at some point of his/her life a person needs to wave bye bye to the oppression caused by parents, so that they don’t end up getting pregnant (or finding much worse ways) to avoid the problem.
Hi I’m 17, and my dad died when i was 14 and so my mom gets social security checks. So would i get the social security checks, if i become emancipated?
I highly doubt it. SS checks typically go to the surviving spouse.
I need some help.I understand all of the information that you have typed but I don’t understand how I’m suppose to come up with that kind of money or even how to tell my parents.However,I’ll be 18 in 7 months but I just don’t think I can handle living with my mom and step dad any longer.My email is [removed] I would really appreciate it if you would contact me a.s.a.p.
Thanks.
Tiffany,
You would come up with that kind of money by fulfilling the requirements to become emancipated by holding down a job that would pay you a salary for the work you do. There are no shortcuts or legal loopholes for teens to get emancipated. The laws and rules apply to every teen the same way. You’re going to turn 18 in seven months – you’re much better off just holding out for these remaining months and when you turn 18, you can then decide to move out legally.
ive been staying wit my boytfriend for two months almost because my mom put me out and i let my boyfriend’s mom file my son on her taxes so i could use the money towards a car and ater i mopved out the house my mom told me she really didnt want anything to do wit me. i am sixteen years old and i have a year old son i also have a job and so does my boytfriend. well my mom wants me to move back home because i didnt let her file my son on her taxes and just wanted to know do i have to move back home and do you think i would have a chance of getting emancipated from her. ive also told my father and he’s okay with me staying with my boyfriend because he knows im not happy at home and i also need to know if his consent even matter in tis whole situation.
Jequisha, not only do you need to have a job to get emancipated from your parents, but the job has to be one where you make enough money to provide for yourself and all your needs + your child. I highly recommend that you have a consultation with a family attorney to ask your questions in relation to the state you live in. Each state has its own laws, so you want to know your legal rights about living with your boyfriend or if you’re legally required to live with your mother/father until you are of legal age or emancipated.
Just a question , I want to be emancipated but what if i am already pregnant i am 17 and i live in texas i filed a abuse report because of an incident with my parents… my dad knows i wont come back infact he told me he doesnt want me to live in the house… how do i get the legal papers and how do i even get started on finding who to call?
Zoe,
Look for a Texas family law attorney that deals with emancipation and go in for a consultation visit to find out about the fees and process of becoming emancipated. The attorney would have the necessary papers to file to become emancipated, if you qualify and can prove to the court judge all of the requirements will be met. Remember, you will automatically be emancipated when you turn 18 in most states. That may help you decide if you should go ahead with the emancipation process or wait a few months till your 18th birthday, and save the money you’d be spending on other things – like the baby.
ok, so im 16 years old. i live with my mom, dad and older brother. My mom and dad are both alcoholics. my dad drinks over a 24 pack and my mom is a heavy liquor drinker. they argue all the time. Then when i go in there to stop the arguing and tell them to stop my dad will start screaming at me telling me that i need to shut up and cursing towards me. This has happended since as far as i can remember. My dad has beat my mom and their have also been times when my dad and brother have faught and the cops were called. It’s so hard on me. I am in the 11th grade and trying so hard to finish high school and procede to college but its so hard when i come home and my dad is already drinking then my mother comes home and she does too. its just to much. i come home and i am so worried that they are going to end up fighting. their are holes in the walls from where he gets mad and punches it and my mom is the one who starts the arguing. i used to worry so much about them but now i just try to stay in my room. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and take medication for it. I also went to see a phyciatrist about it and my dad went with me. while i was filling out the paper work i came across a question asking if any of my parents drink….my dad grabbed the paper and marked no. not only that but he also came back in the room with me and told the phyciatrist that i just worry myself that everything at home is fine….i just want to get out of this situation. I feel like im helpless and have nowhere to go. i want to get emanciapted but i dont want to take this risk if it wont work…if i do that then i will probably just end up getting cussed out and yelled at ad start more arguin in the house. please help.
Alisha,
I can understand why you would want to get emancipated from your parents. I’m not a lawyer, so that is why it is very important for teens wanting to get emancipated to find a family law attorney in their area/their state and have a consultation visit with their prospective lawyer and ask the questions that you have. Each state is different in how emancipation is or isn’t granted. There are no short cuts to any of this, and a judge won’t grant emancipation for teens who aren’t able to fulfill the requirements.
Look, I’m 16. Going to be 17 next month. I live in texas. I have a job with good befits. I live with my mom and step dad. I have 4 other bothers and sisters living at home with me. On top of that my mom also took in my older cousin and my other cousin in middle school because she feels that they need to “be deciplined.” My mom owns 3 companies. She has so much stress and anger that she lashes out on EVERYBODY. Hate to say it, but I get most of it. She makes it very clear and will go out of her way to let me know that what I’m doing isn’t good enough. She thinks I am thee worst teenager in the world. When honestly, I’m not even a fraction of how bad other kids are my age. But she dosent get that. She is always trying to make me quit my job. I have been told by everybody and I know that I have way more responsiblites than I should have. Like literally being a mom. My mom has twins. A boy and a girl. Their 1 almost 2. I get up, get myself ready for whatever like school, and then I get them ready. (Shower, dippers, clothes, hair, teeth, socks n shoes, sweater, bottles, then pack them up in the car.) She complains that I make her late when she is the last one out the
Out of the car. Well maybe if she took care of her own kids or helped me, she wouldn’t be late. She slways complains that were tight on money, but she has a whole closet of gucci shoes and purses. With channel, prada, etc. But gucci is her fav. I don’t know what to do. She always plays the victum in EVERY argument we have. I would have a place to stay if I moved out. I would be supported, have a job and save money to go to college. I would be fine and much better by myself. But that woman in literally impossible! She tells me to move out when ever I want and then she gets all mad and says I can only move out with my dad. She’s a nut. Goes back on a lot of her words too. I work all weekend, go to school all week. I never do anything a normal teen would. Like go to the movies or homecoming. Cause she won’t let me. After school and work, I take care of the twins. I need help…sorry I wrote so much. But you said in texas a teen. Could move out on their own at 17 and there will be no problems. I just want to make sure. My mom thinks I couldn’t survive on my own. I could, I’m not stupid, and I would be just fine without any contact with her in my life. I need advise and help!! Please e-mail me all the information you know or have!!
Hi Lauren,
Based on what you’ve said (and the obvious angry tone of your message), it does seem as though you have too much responsibility being placed on you. I’m not a lawyer Lauren, and I’m not going to pretend to be one. This article lays out all the details of how or if a teen like yourself can legally move out of the house or get emancipated. For your specific situation, I would first recommend that you talk with the school counselor about the stress you’ve been under and why. The counselor can then help arrange some sessions with your mom/parents included to try to work out a workable solution that you all can be satisfied with. Other than that, I would say to speak to a family attorney that specializes in emancipation to get all the answers to what is legal for you in Texas. I would strongly recommend working on the communication between you and your mom first and foremost. Emancipation and/or living on your own is a very serious matter and you don’t want to jump to such a serious decision without knowing everything.
I have a 14 yo grandaughter that wants us to take care of her instead of her parents. We agree with her and would like to see her free of her parents. She is aware that there are still rules to follow and she would not be able to just do as she pleases.
What are our options?
Tom,
From your message I can’t tell if you’re looking to get full custody of your granddaughter or not. If you are wanting to get legal custody of her, I would recommend speaking/consulting with a family attorney in your local area. It doesn’t sound as though what you’re asking about is emancipation for your granddaughter, but just where she would live with you and her grandmother until she becomes an adult. Either way, you would be wise to consult with a lawyer with your questions to find out the specific rules and laws about this. I would think that if her parents were agreeable to the change, everything could be handled rather smoothly. I’m not an attorney, so I can’t advise you on the laws regarding this.
I think that’s probably our best approach. Thanks for the input!
Tom
i live with over controlling parents and whats worse is my mom is sadly getting worse due to her poor health, and seeing her in this state really is very sad
:(:( but she never listens to me to what is imporyant to me, and since her and my stepdad aren’t married anymore she thinks he has a say so in my life im 42 yrs old and i feel like they are keeping me here against my will , ive tried everything to find the right answers to my situation and i still come up with nothing, i want a good lawyer to help me legally but at a good price i can afford because also it’s like they keep me dependant money wise on them and i cry literly 4 some help to say hey, enough is enough, ive tried talking to you mom but you shut my words out and i have to do somthing , ive disowned them in my heart and now i want to leave, without fear of being threatened and made to feel like this is my fault. anyone know a very good lawyer that i can talk to? plz help. thank you.
I’ve just turned sixteen, and my parents have told me that we will be moving in june to a different state. I would like to stay here to persue my education, I have always been an above average student and find it in my best educational interest to stay here. I currently don’t have a job or my license but in a month I will be able to have both. I want to be emancipated if they do plan on moving. I was wondering if you thought that there is any way that a judge would be willing to emancipate me?
Bethany, having a job would help you of course. But, keep in mind that you’d have to prove all of the stipulations, rules and laws within your state for a judge to consider allowing you to be emancipated from your parents. There are no shortcuts, no promises to do better or promises to do x,y,z. Everything has to be in place and has to be provable to the judge. Everything listed above is required to be considered for emancipation, including the letters from various people stating you are responsible and would be able to provide 100% for yourself.
Ok well i don’t want to get divorced from my parents. I know i prefer my independence but i’m only a thirteen year old child. My friend Alondra wants to get divorced from her parents and i got worried because she (as most people around my age) doesn’t know what she is doing. She lives in a trailor park and has a mom that is never proud of her and her parents are always arguing and they dont want her seeing her boyfriend. That’s not something the judge would really listen to and she needs to calm down. I have many problems at home but i try to be the mature one (not the adult since there are some children more mature than adults sadly) and not let it get to me. Yes it has affected my grades at school and sometimes even my personal beliefs..my parents drink alot..yet she acts like she is the only child with problems. How do I change her mind? She is quite stubborn so I need a little help here. Should i just sit back and watch? I don’t want her making a huge mistake. She is a very smart girl who has alot to offer the world.
Kekora,
You are very good friend to want to help Alondra understand that divorcing parents isn’t nearly as easy as teens typically think it is. It’s verrrrry verrrrry hard, if not near impossible, to convince a judge to approve emancipation. I assume she’s about your age, 13 or 14. As I said in the article, getting emancipated from parents isn’t about teenagers who don’t like house rules or their living environment or have disagreements with parents etc. Teenagers always…..have complaints of one kind or another about their parents. Always. Teenagers are going through typical desires of wanting some independence but they far too often try to jump waaaay ahead of themselves and want to have NO rules, NO discipline, NO nothing from their parents. They want to do what they want, went they want, how they want etc. Life doesn’t work that way and no judge is going to take seriously a teen who complains about their parents and how they deserve to be emancipated so they don’t have to deal with their parents rules etc.
Just based on the things you’ve said about your friend, she kinda sounds like the type of teenager who a judge would say is a rebellious teenager with a bad attitude in need of an attitude adjustment. Her having a “mom that is never proud of her and her parents are always arguing and don’t want her to see her boyfriend” etc etc is a teenage temper tantrum. Perhaps her parents argue all the time. It affects her, makes her feel bad/sad etc. There is family counseling for that, even within schools with school counselors. I can’t help but think that the biggest issue, the primary reason why she wants emancipation, is because of the boyfriend. The parents don’t approve of him or don’t feel she’s old enough to date etc. They are the parents and have every right to tell their daughter no to dating at her age if they so choose. She doesn’t have to like it or agree, but that’s why they are the parents and she’s not. Just think what family life would be like if every teenager were suddenly the parents and the parents were the children. Total chaos at home. I wouldn’t be surprised if Alondra had the attitude that she’s gonna see her boyfriend no matter what and “my parents can’t do anything about it” and similar rebellious type attitudes and behaviors. Her being “stubborn” as you said says a lot. She is being rebellious towards her parents, and a family judge would be much more likely to put her into a rebellious teenager boot camp before even considering listening to her talk about wanting to be emancipated.
There are NO shortcuts to becoming emancipated/divorced from parents. Considering all the rules and stipulations required to even be considered in family court, I highly doubt your friend would be able to prove she can financially provide for herself 100% at her age. Basically Kekora, your friend needs an attitude adjustment and maybe even some counseling with or without the parents involved.