RSS Feeds: Do Men Want To Get Married? Top Ten Reasons Why Men Don’t Want To Get Married
Do men want to get married, or not? “Do Men Really Want to Get Married” is the question being discussed in a CNN article about whether the stereotypical belief that men are dragged off to the altar to get married kicking and screaming is true or not. CNN reporter, Alex Wallen, claims to have interviewed dozens of men on how they approached marriage, where these men admitted that they had “fantasized about popping the question, getting married, even having a wedding.”
Wallen reports that numerous men reported having a “light-switch” moment when they decided they should get married to their significant other. Examples given include a life-altering event, such as one man who suddenly realized his love for his girlfriend when she helped him deal with the death of his father; or it might be something as simple as having so much fun playing arcade games together that you can’t imagine yourself having this much fun with anyone else. One man decided it was time to get married when he became angry and balled-up his fists when another man made a pass at his then-girlfriend.
“Real men are perceived as committing “till death do us part” for the wrong reasons — they marry out of convenience or under duress, and they acquiesce, kicking and screaming all the way to the altar”, according to the article. If recent statistics are correct, men are choosing to marry later in life, with the average age being 28 before experiencing their “ah ha” moment, which is a good thing. Nevertheless, there are still many young men and women getting married too young, and far too many couples get married for the wrong reasons and end up regretting it later.
According to one survey claiming men DO want to get married, married men reported positive feelings about being married, with 94% saying they were happier married than single, and 73% reported their sex lives were better. Of the single men included in the study, 53 percent said they were not interested in getting married anytime soon, saying “at this stage in my life I want fun and freedom”, while 47 percent said they wouldn’t get married until they could afford to own a home.
“Of the 1,010 men aged 25-34 who were surveyed, 569 were married. Of that group, 81 percent said they got married “because it was the right time to settle down.” The desire to have children was a major factor for 35 percent; only 15 percent said they married sooner than they wished because of pressure from their partner.”
Why Men Don’t Want To Get Married
Another study was conducted by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University of 60 single, heterosexual men of different backgrounds, between the ages of 25-33. The project results revealed the top ten reasons why men won’t commit, or don’t want to get married.
- They can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past.
- They can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabitating rather than marrying.
- They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.
- They want to wait until they are older to have children.
- They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises.
- They are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn’t appeared yet.
- They face few social pressures to marry.
- They are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children.
- They want to own a house before they get a wife.
- They want to enjoy single life for as long as possible.
These findings may not be what women want to hear or believe, but relationship experts agree with the results of the study. Audrey Chapman, author of Getting Good Loving
- “All that stuff that grandma said about `Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ is true. Women are making it too easy for men. They’re giving sex away.”
- “Now that there’s more competition, women think that sex is the ticket to get a man when in fact it’s a sure fire way not to get him at all,” Chapman reveals.
- “When men get lonely, all they have to do is call up one of their many women. And they call the one that they’re going to be able to spend the night with.”
- “She says that nowadays it is common for many men to have a variety of women to cater to their various needs, including sex, companionship, conversation and even meals. “Men can get all the comforts they need without making it legal.”
It’s interesting that Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, says much the same thing but it’s not what women interested in planning their wedding want to hear. It’s not about getting someone to marry you; love and marriage is not a game. It’s about finding the right person, at the right time and under the right circumstances so the marriage will be lifelong. Maybe some men don’t want to get married, now or ever. I would venture to say that there are women who also don’t want to get married and never will.
Wilmington, DE, psychologist Dr. Alvin L. Turner says, “As children, men don’t fantasize about being married–girls do. It takes a while for us to begin to appreciate that marriage is valuable for us and not just for women. It’s easy to see that marriage happens when you fall in love with someone, but even then many men will marry because they want to keep the woman from marrying someone else. So it becomes a way of protecting their investment basically rather than looking at it as something that’s valuable for themselves.”
William July II, author of “Understanding the Tin Man: Why So Many Men Avoid Intimacy
What about you? If you are a married man, what was your “ah ha” moment where you knew you wanted to get married to your girlfriend? If you are a single man, what are your thoughts on marriage? Ladies, what do you think about the idea that men really don’t want to get married but feel pressured in various ways to tie the knot?
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Wow.. Great article Lin! You have touched the classic subject here
I guess most men would not consider marriage till they have an easy go. Its only when they feel the pressure or threat that their women may not be ‘theirs’ forever do they decide to tie the knot
Thanks Janet. Some men want to get married at some point in their life, but some men don’t want to get married, now or ever. Women don’t want to accept the truth and reality of whether their boyfriend will propose or not, and why it seems to be “taking so long” to get engaged. Hopefully this post will shed some light on the subject for women.
Yeah.. Another thing that I noticed is that there is so much literature available on “tips & tricks” to keep your man/ attract a man/ make him say yes etc etc. And the irony is they sell too!! I wonder why women need to be (or considered so) so desperate for a man. After all, there are better things to concentrate upon like your self, career, friends, family and so on.
There are not many “How to make a women say YES” books written!!
Janet, women have been raised to grow up to become wives and mothers from the time they are very young girls. Think about all the cartoon movies that little girls gush over, like Cinderella dreaming and wishing her Prince Charming will come and rescue her off to a life of wedded bliss. There are tons of other movies for kids just like that, and girls grow up thinking/believing that it’s a reality for them, that they need to grow up and get married. In older generations there was the belief that if a woman didn’t get married by the time she was 30 years old, she was an “old maid”, where no man would want her and she’d likely never get married. Some people still believe in that nonsense, but fortunately the times have changed to where women are growing up with plans to go to college and establish herself in a career of her choosing, and then (if she wants to) get married and have children etc. Of course, there’s that thing about the “biological clock ticking” for women wanting to get married while she’s still young enough to bear children.
You have cited a very interesting point there Lin. The whole stereotypical idea about women wanting to grow up and get married and men growing up to earn bread for the family has been so deep rooted right from the childhood years. Even the cartoons, the stories are drafted on the same lines. For the society to change, there would have to be a complete revamp of the system!!!
A role reversal is not what is needed. The problem is when these norms pressurize women (and even men) to follow a certain expected way of life and if someone tries to deviate from them, the society accept it very easily.
Janet, last night I was reading a couple of online articles and one message board where women were saying “I want to get married” but their boyfriend doesn’t want to get married, where these women were asking questions to each other about how to get their man to propose. Yikes!
The advice given to the women were various “pressure” tactics and some rather underhanded ways of getting their boyfriend to marry them, including several suggesting that they get pregnant on purpose. *rolls eyes*
Some of the women gave their ages were clearly too young to even be thinking about getting married, and others came across as desperate. I guess they didn’t see my article “Don’t be that girl”, hehe
Gosh.. Someone ask them to go get a life!! There are actually women who waste precious time on forums to discuss how to nail a guy??? Din’t you leave a link to yout blog.. They would fare so much better in life if they become a regular here..
I have read that post of yours but haven’t read the book as of yet. But I’m sure you have illustrated the crux of the book very well.
Ladies, let’s be honest here… marriage is a good deal for women, but not men – via the legal system if a divorce occurs. If you think men are simply people to be manipulated, or pressured into marriage… your marriage will never last with that disingenous viewpoint. Men are considerably brighter than you think… they understand if a divorce occurs what they have to lose – they’ve seen it and heard about it from family to friends who have firsthand experience. If he won’t marry you, it’s not because he’s immature, or doesn’t love you… it’s because marriage is a legal contract and he knows full well he may end up losing his assets, children, money, pension, house, etc., via the current legal system. The problem is… the secret’s out ladies – too many divorced dad’s are talking/educating younger men.
Marriages can and do end in divorce in many cases, as the divorce rates indicate. The legal system definitely has its problems in regards to division of property and assets when a divorce occurs – but statistically speaking, there is still truth to the fact that divorced women often find themselves in a worse financial state then divorced men do. Unfortunately, there are still a lot of divorced fathers who don’t take their responsibility towards their children seriously enough and don’t pay child support and don’t show up for visitation etc. All in all, the children of divorcing parents are the ones who suffer the most.
Guess I’m late getting to this topic, but I’m a 29 year old woman. I’ve been living together with my boyfriend for a year and he recently proposed. I said yes without thinking about it (why are these thins manufactured to be like a gameshow where you have to come up with an answer on the spot??). Now I am absolutely panicking. Let me tell you why:
1. As a single woman it is incredibly easy to get sex. Definitely don’t need a husband for that.
2. I can enjoy the benefits of being married by cohabitating. I get to sleep next to a warm body and make him take out the trash but I don’t have to share my income with him and I don’t have to do his laundry (ughh)
3. I definitely have no desire to go through a divorce or have him end up with rights to half my money (especially my retirement account!!)
4. Uh, I don’t really have an opinion about children. My sister was born when I was 13 and I feel like I’ve done my fair share of child raising in this world. I’m not against having a baby, but it’s definitely not a time sensitive thing. I’m a little worried about the biological clock thing but I guess if I decide later that I absolutely MUST have a baby then there are adoption options out there. I know several people who have adopted. A baby would be nice I guess. Definitely not excited about the 4am feeding thing, though. Yeah. Not excited. At. All.
5. Now, here’s the kicker – the compromise thing. The idea of thinking of myself as part of some marital unit is absolutely scaring the pants off me. Granted, since we live together now I can’t really be bringing home loose men, but I still have a degree of independence. And if he doesn’t like that I stay out late drinking with my friends he can kick it.
Having said all that, I enjoy spending time with him, sleeping with him, all of that. But now he’s asked me to marry him — what do I do?????? I don’t think I’m ready for this but I can’t imagine what he will think if I tell him I’m not ready. But the idea of giving up my freedom and independence has me absolutely paralyzed with fear. He’s basically asking me to jump off a cliff with love as some sort of lifeline. I don’t know, the odds are not looking good.
And here’s question number 2: Am I some sort of freak of nature? Why am I acting like a guy?? Is there some biological reason I’m not dreaming of Cinderella? I mean, Cinderella is great and all but what we’re talking about here is trading a big poofy dress for… for what? I don’t know. Seriously. I already live with him, what will marriage give me that I don’t already have other than uncertainty?
I think I need to sign off here as
Cold Feet Big time
Misa,
You are a perfect example of a woman who doesn’t want to get married, at least not now. Maybe one day you will want to get married and then again, maybe you are one of many women who have no interest in ever being married. There’s nothing wrong with that – it just is the way it is.
You’re right…, the moment a man pops the question, the girl is supposed to gush and cry and immediately say yes. There IS something wrong with that.
Both men and women are sometimes pressured into getting married. I’ve heard from men who have said their families/parents pressured them to propose to their girlfriend and got married, when neither of them felt they were ready for marriage.
Misa, don’t panic. You obviously know what you want and what you don’t want. Being together for a year as you two have really isn’t very long to know for sure within your heart and mind whether “this is the one” etc. No, you’re not a freak of nature.
There are many women who don’t want to get married. Ever. There are men who don’t want to get married. Ever.
You’re still young – there’s plenty of time for you to decide if you want to have kids at some point, so don’t let the whole biological clock thing get to you. Remember, there are right and wrong reasons for getting married. Don’t get married if you don’t want to get married. It will only lead you to regret it later on, and then there are a whole other set of problems to deal with then.
You just have to find a way of letting him know that you aren’t ready to start planning a wedding etc etc. Some couples decide to have a long engagement, and I mean a verrrry long engagement – some have been engaged for several years without actually getting legally married. Don’t get married for the wrong reasons Misa, it will only hurt you both later.