How to Be a Good Daughter-In-Law: Building a Great Daughter-In-Law Relationship With Your Mother-In-Law
“Daughter-In-Laws from hell”? Are you a good daughter-in-law to your husband’s mother, or soon to be mother-in-law? Can you honestly say to yourself, “I am a good daughter-in-law”? Being a good daughter-in-law and building a great relationship with your husband’s mother, and maintaining that good relationship, can be easier than you think or more challenging and difficult than you could ever imagine.
Ever since I wrote How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law, I’ve been inundated with emails from mothers who describe their current or future daughter-in-law as the daughter-in-law from hell; jealous; selfish; manipulative; controlling; disrespectful; rude; conniving; evil and psychotic, just to name a few not-so-nice descriptive words about daughter-in-laws.
Some mothers used “daughter-in-law hates me” and “I hate my daughter-in-law” in the email subject line to describe the difficulties and animosity felt between the mother and daughter-in-law. A few mothers wrote about their relationship problems with a son-in-law as well, but the typical problems existing between mothers and daughter-in-laws are much more common than those with a current or future son-in-law.
I’ll be dealing with the issues of being a good son-in-law in an upcoming article, but for now let’s just stick with you, the daughter-in-law.
Mother-In-Law/Daughter-In-Law Problems
After reading and responding to many emails, as well as visiting websites, message boards and
online support groups where mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws complain about each other and their problems, it became obvious to me that there is a tremendous amount of misunderstandings, misinterpretations, hyper-sensitivity and mean-spirited gossip being said about each other. But rarely any advice or real solutions being shared.
Based on the complaints posted on those sites, it became apparent to me that most daughter-in-laws are not evil or cruel, but are misguided and feel threatened. Daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws are both guilty of not even attempting to understand the others wants, needs and perspective, but are very quick to criticize and ridicule the other.
Members of various support groups for daughter-in-laws have even linked to my leave and cleave article, taking words out of context, in an extreme attempt to prove their personal opinion that communication with mother-in-laws (and sometimes father-in-laws) should be cut to a bare minimum if not completely eliminated.
Now you just wait a cotton-pickin’ minute! If that is your position, you’ve missed the whole point of that entire article and are twisting the meaning of leaving and cleaving for your own selfish reasons, and your attempts to get rid of your mother-in-law will come back to bite you in the end.
Trouble between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law arises far too often when one or both thinks the other is out to get them, which is not necessarily true. The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law both want the same thing! Time spent with the son! Problems between the MIL/DIL (Mother-In-Law/Daughter-In-Law) often occur when one or both women try to get their needs met by attempting to exclude the other from even the simplest things in life.
One mother emailed me about how hurt she felt by not being included in any of the decisions about the wedding plans or budget for her son and soon to be daughter-in-law’s wedding, despite the fact that this mother is expected to pay more than half of the wedding costs!
Daughter-In-Law Do’s and Don’ts
- Remember, your husband was a son to his mother first, and the relationship bond between mother and son should never be trifled with. The harder you try to divide and conquer the relationship between your husband and his mother, the more you will discover that you’ve undermined any and all efforts to get along with your in-laws and will cause your husband and his family to resent you.
- Don’t take everything so personal. Taking every suggestion, recommendation or idea offered as always being a negative against you suggests the existence of very low self-esteem on your part. Why do you choose to take everything so personal? A mother emailed me about her excitement about becoming a grandmother for the first time and how she made a few harmless baby name suggestions, only to receive an email from her daughter-in-law that such suggestions are not wanted or welcomed. What?!
- The relationship with the son is not a competition. He married you because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. In a marriage, a husband must put his wife as number one in the relationship, but don’t make the mistake of putting your husband in a position of having to defend his relationship with his mother. If setting limits and boundaries are needed on how often your mother-in-law calls to speak to your husband or visits, it is up to your husband to decide and act on that, not yours.
- Communication is key. Take the initiative to call and chat with your mother-in-law with news and updates, even if you think it’s about mundane, trivial matters. Remember birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and special occasions, just as I bet you want your mother-in-law to do for you. Invite your in-laws to your home for a meal on occasion. Send pictures and cards. Ask for advice and willingly listen to her ideas, but that doesn’t mean you must do everything her way. Ask your mother-in-law for recipes of your husband’s favorite meals while he was growing up – she’ll love it and so will your husband.
- Take good care of her son. Your mother-in-law raised your husband to become the man you fell in love with and married, and she should be thanked, praised and respected for that. Your mother-in-law wants and needs to know that the hard work she put forth loving, raising and caring for her beloved son will continue to be provided in your care. Of course your mother-in-law expects to see your home is well-kept, clean and orderly, just as she worked hard to do while raising him. Of course she expects your husband to have clean clothes and clean underwear to wear at all times. Of course she expects your husband to always be well fed with healthy, nourishing meals, just as she did for so many years. Of course she does! So will you when it’s your turn to play the role of mother-in-law when the time comes.
- Do not be a gossip. Are you a gossip? Do you talk crap about any of your in-laws? Spreading negative gossip about any or all family members will cause you to be labeled as a toxic person, undoubtedly leading friends, family and others to not want to associate with you or trust you ever again. The harmful effects of gossip are well-known, and you would be wise to learn the difference between good gossip and negative gossip before you yourself become a victim to a malicious gossiper and discover the results the hard way.
I know, there ARE mother-in-laws who will do everything within their power to prove you are not worthy of their son and will attempt to drive a wedge between you and your husband or husband-to-be. Develop a thick-skin, be assertive and respectful, but don’t stoop to her level and become anyone’s doormat. But not all mother-in-laws are trying to control you or take over your life; they want to be valued and want to share a meaningful place in your lives.
As the daughter-in-law, you’re trying to protect your “turf”, while your mother-in-law wants a place at your table too. Work on your relationship with your mother-in-law; read daughter-in-law books
Are you having MIL/DIL problems you would like to share? Do you have a question about having a good daughter-in-law relationship with your mother-in-law? Feel free to ask your questions in the comments section below.
Similar Posts:
- How to Be a Good Son-In-Law: Building a Great Son-In-Law Relationship With Your In-Laws
- How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law
- “What does it mean to “leave and cleave” in traditional wedding vows? How do you balance “leave and cleave” with honoring your parents?”
- How to Get Along With the In-Laws: Dealing With In-Laws and Extended Family
- Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members
Wow Lin.. Wonderful article. I think it is very important to make an effort and work towards improving a relationship (any relationship rather) rather than just lamenting about how sour it has gone. In fact, whenever you feel you have got a bad mother/daughter in-law, just try stepping into the others shoes and think about their perspective. This goes a long way in understanding the other person and makes for easier acceptance!
Janet, it’s been interesting how so many daughter-in-laws AND mother-in-laws don’t really take the time to consider each others perspective. They both want the same thing, but for all the reasons mentioned (and then some), there is a huge disconnect in the MIL/DIL relationship because the way they each go about getting their needs met is treated like a tug-a-war game.
Lin, your article reminds me of a movie named, “Monster-in-Law”, which is it a conflict between Jennifer Lopez (daughter in law)and Jane Fonda (Mother in law).
Honestly, most of my married friends have problems, when they’re living with their parents-in-law. I thought they should read this post, as it’s a very well-written post that teaching on how to live with our mother in law peacefully!
Wilson, it’s funny that you mention the Monster-In-Law movie with Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda about daughter-in-law and mother-in-law problems because I used an image from that movie in my article about being a good mother-in-law!
There was also the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” that explored in-law problems as well, and I’ve used a picture from that movie for one of my “in-law” posts.
I never, ever advocate or recommend adult children (married or single) living with their parents or the parents-in-law. It just doesn’t work and I’ve explained the reasons why it doesn’t work at great length. I hope your friends are able to read this post and can find some help here.
My soon-to-be mom-in-law seems like a very sweet person. However, she has a habit of ignoring me when we get together with friends and family. Also, she is very critical about the way i dress and the way i cook. Instead of offering advise to make me feel better, she ridicules me in front of others. How can i let her know that this hurts my feelings a lot?
Hi Julia,
I’ve heard from several daughter-in-laws who have said their soon to be or current mother-in-law ignores them at gatherings with friends and family. Some have said their mother-in-law doesn’t talk to them at all at these family gatherings or parties, but spends all of their time gossiping about their daughter-in-law about one thing or another.
Julia, when you say your soon-to-be mother in law “seems” to be a sweet person, it makes me think that possibly the two of you haven’t really spent much time getting to know each on a personal level. If the two of you haven’t spent much time together one-on-one, just chatting and getting to know each other, I would recommend that you start working on that. If the two of you haven’t spent much or any time together one on one, I can kind of understand how your MIL might feel somewhat uncomfortable at social gatherings with someone she hasn’t gotten to know at all. It’s like being a room with a bunch of strangers, when suddenly one or two people you really know well walk in and you spend all your time with those two people, because you know them well and you have a history of friendship.
For the time being, I would give your MIL the benefit of the doubt until you have concrete proof that she doesn’t like you for some reason. Oftentimes, from numerous emails I’ve received from both MIL’s and DIL’s, the bottom line of many of the problems and conflicts is due to the two women not having gotten to know each other very well (or at all) before getting married. Take the initiative to invite your mother in law (and father in law?) over for a meal, run some errands together, or do some shopping together that doesn’t involve clothes since you say she criticizes what you wear.
If you have concrete proof that your mother-in-law has been talking crap about you to others, that’s a big no-no for anyone, including mother-in-laws. Talk to your fiance’ about what is or has been said about you by his mother, explaining in detail what has been said about you, then ask him to tell you how he feels about it. For there to be a good result from any confrontation or conversation with his mother, having your husband-to-be there with you as support is HUGE.
Keeping in mind what I said about whether or not you and your MIL-to-be really know each other well or not, talk respectfully and ASSERTIVELY to her about how it makes you feel when she criticizes your clothes, cooking and whatever else. Begin each and every sentence with “I feel” or “I need” etc, because you don’t want to come across as beating her over the head with accusations that may or may not be true or intended. Starting sentences out with “You criticize my cooking” or “You ridicule me in front of others” etc will immediately put her on the defensive and the conversation won’t go very well.
Assuming your fiance’ is aware that his mother ridicules or criticizes you in front of others, BOTH you and your fiance’ need to respectfully let her know that neither of you will tolerate such behavior on her part, and ask her kindly to stop doing that. Your fiance’ may want to tell his mother that things she’s saying about you to others hurts HIM too, and that continuing to gossip about you will affect the relationship between mother and son, because you are about to become his wife. No husband or husband-to-be should ever tolerate his mother putting his wife down for any reason, but the wife must be treated with respect and dignity, just as the mother-in-law wants and expects to be treated herself.
Relationships of any kind demand a lot of work on both parts in order to grow strong and deep. Some relationships take more time than others. Personally, I get on very well with my in-laws but we’ve both set clear limits as to to which extent they can intrude in our marriage life. Parents and inlaws sometimes find it difficult to let their children grow an independent life. It’s up to us to help them do so.
Jill´s last blog ..Colon Free Zone, Panama
Hi Jill,
So many people struggle with in-law conflicts and problems, it’s very sad. I’ve heard from so many people who say they regret getting married at all because of how they’re treated by their in-laws. Some say they’re treated like outcasts, where no one on their husband or wife’s side of the family has even bothered to get to know them very well or at all. Many have told me that they’re gossiped about on a regular basis, ridiculed and criticized for no valid reason whatsoever. Some have even emailed me asking the typical question of “Can this marriage be saved?” after being married for several years and the family’s “abuse” continues. I certainly can’t tell anyone whether or not they should get a divorce, as that is a personal decision for each to make on their own, but I guess it depends on whether there is any possibility or things getting better over time.
Hi Lin,
What a great idea for you to write this article. I appreciate you coming from an impartial position and providing some meaningful advise that seems logical and makes sense. I am a DIL. I’ve been married to my wonderful husband for 6 years and we have 2 beautiful children. We have a happy marriage. While we try to celebrate this (it’s not common in either of our families) we are often times are faced with resentment or negativaty from my MIL, I feel, because we are happy. My MIL was a young mother at 14 yrs old, has 4 sons (each with a different father). The ages range from early 12 yrs to early 30’s. She’s the only child used to getting her way. I feel she dispises me because I and my husband do not allow her nagative comments and hateful opinions shaek us up. It’s so sad that no one son has a close relationship with her. I see that she is lonely, resentful, depressed, and can’t be happy for anyone because she is not. She calls me to complain about EVERYTHING, talks about me and my loved ones (including my husband + best friend + her mother) to my face but expects no retort on my end. I’ve thought of not answering the phone when she calls to avoid being at the receiving end, but if I don’t answer what will be left of my communication with her? She constantly makes bad finacial decisions, blowing probably several thousands per month. Her relationship descions are even worse. I don’t want to judge her or make her feel bad. But she gets into these really bad situations, calls me to tell me about it, lets me know that everyone was wrong except her, and when I offer my opinion in response she suddenly tells me I’m out of place. She rarely comes to see her grandkids but blames me for why she doesn’t see them. She says she is grateful for me but periodically makes comments implying that my husband could decide to leave me suddenly. For such reason, she says, I shouldn’t get comfortable. I am so confused. Especially since he very committed to his family. Can you offer some advise on what I should do differently?
Hi Crystal,
From you’ve said here, you feel that your mother-in-law resents you and your happy marriage, and that she’s used to getting her own way.
The fact that your MIL doesn’t seem to have a close relationship with any of her four sons says a lot. It appears that all of them recognize the problems and issues for themselves and have chosen to distance themselves from her. Perhaps the sons recognize things about their mother’s attitude and behaviors that signal some “toxicity” in her personality that is damaging to them, to the point where backing away from her in various ways is the only healthy way of dealing with her.
I assume that you’ve had considerable discussion with your husband about your MIL’s behaviors towards you, and the things she’s said to you that hurt you, including those that involve your husband.
From what you describe, it appears that your MIL has you tied up in knots emotionally and mentally, never knowing when she’ll be nice to you and when the shoe will drop and she’ll turn the tables on you and treat you badly.
If you and your husband together….have not yet had a serious and respectful one-on-one conversation with her about her comments to and about you two, I strongly recommend you and your husband do so.
At that discussion, your husband should be the one who primarily handles the conversation, as it is his mother. Your husband should respectfully but clearly state the problems and things she’s doing/saying that HE himself and you want stopped.
Your husband should explain to his mother verbatim the boundaries you two have agreed upon in regards to how she can or can’t speak to the children or to you, and your husband should let his mother know that he is aware of what she’s been saying about you, his chosen wife for life, and anything beyond kind/respectful words will not be tolerated.
He (and you can interject some) should explain how you FEEL inside when she calls to complain/gossip about family members, and explain that you don’t want any part of that. Let her know that each and every time that she begins to talk badly about someone else (family or otherwise), that you will have no choice but to interrupt her mid-sentence and remind her that such things are none of your business and you don’t want to hear it. If she continues anyway, then you will interrupt her and let her know you have to let her go – say goodbye and then hang up. Seriously.
You have every right to decide whether or not you will or won’t answer the phone. You don’t have any control or say in how she spends her money, so I wouldn’t even go there with her. I’d also stay clear of any discussions about her relationships, and if conversations turn that way, remind her again about your one-on-one conversation that made clear you don’t want to know such personal things. Again, if she continues anyway, excuse yourself off the phone, or if necessary..leave the premises where the conversation is being had.
Over time she will learn that there are boundaries she must abide by, whether she likes it or not, and that if she does those things anyway…she is making a conscious choice that requires you and your husband to put even MORE distance between you (for the sake of your family and marriage).
That comment about how your husband could decide to leave you suddenly needs to be nipped in the bud, like yesterday. Your husband needs to deal with her on that one, with firm yet loving, respectful phrases and tone that indicate that she is waaaaay out of line and she’d better stop it. She will have no choice but to realize that the more she tries to hurt or upset you, she is actually causing problems between herself and her son. If you haven’t yet read my article about toxic family members, I suggest you do so now, because I can see some clear signs of that. Take care of yourself and your family.
Maybe you ladies can give me some well-needed advice. I am beginning to think I am crazy, and maybe it’s me who is the root of my problems with my husband’s family. Let me start off by saying I’ve been married to the same man for 20 years, and had previously had a decent relationship with the in-laws, although there has always been constant drama and bickering and gossip between them (there are four siblings – all married). Each of the siblings has lived in my home at some time or another (before we had kids), and we’ve even co-signed for a vehicle for one of them. I do believe that deep down, they are all good decent people. They just hate me. My problems didn’t start until my FIL passed away. (they used to sit around their dinner table and joke about getting FIL drunk and throwing him off a boat to drown…..how warped is that?) Since then, we’ve had numerous “situations” and parties where me and my children are excluded. Very much gossip has made its way back to me, and apparently my in-laws have never thought much of me. My MIL has told me herself that she believes my husband works so hard so I don’t have to. (I was homeschooling my children at the time) I have even been falsely accused of child abuse towards one of my nephews, upon which I let them all know that my feelings were hurt. The only response I got was “what were they supposed to think”, even after the child was seen by a specialist who confirmed that the child’s problem was related to a birth defect that he suffers from. To this day, they still say I “did something” to the child and am covering it up since I will no longer babysit him. Who in their right mind would watch a child they’d been accused of harming in some way? When one of my teenage neices hurt my own child (who is 8 years old) and was nasty to her instead of apologizing, I did become angry and had something to say about that. This family NEVER apologizes for ANYTHING. The family just makes excuses for the young teenaged child about how “hard” her life is right now. (which is true…she is going through alot) So, in handling this, I am ashamed to say that I really would be okay with their kids not being around mine. It is a constant battle, and I do indeed tend to get upset after several years of this and actually do voice my opinions about it lately, which I have learned doesn’t help the matter. My husband just says that’s the way they are and I shouldn’t let it bother me. He will not confront this at all. He says to just go (to family functions) and “rub it in their faces” that I won’t let them bother me (but it’s because they are still nice to my husband, yet haven’t spoken to me in two years). ? What??? Who can do that? I have seen other married-in-members of the family have to sit in their cars during Thanksgiving or Christmas gatherings because they aren’t welcome in the in-laws home. I have seen this family go into SIL’s home to kick her husband out after she (MIL) and another SIL makes up a story that SIL is being abused and wants to kick hubby out and needs help because she is afraid. (a complete false story to get the whole family involved) I have been told (but not seen with my own eyes) that both MIL and SIL use Benadryl for the kids when they don’t want to “deal” with them. I am so tired of the drama, yet, I know I have become vocal in my opposition towards them. How do I get along with these people for the sake of my husband? I can’t avoid them, as we attend the same small church. Nor do I feel that I should make my husband “pick” between us. I don’t want that, but I don’t want to continue this toxic cycle between us either. Half of my husband’s family hates me (probably because I no longer keep my mouth shut). Just the mere thought of holidays with them literally gives me chest and stomach pain. I have tried to invite the “problem” inlaws to dinner, kids’ birthday parties, etc. to try to just be able to get along and make sure no one is excluded, but usually our invitations aren’t even acknowledged, let alone declined. I don’t know how to get to a place where I don’t care what they think or do because they are always around. HELP. Does anyone have any suggestion for me? I hope they don’t read this, or I’ll never live this down…….
Hi Anna, wow…what a mess. What you’re experiencing is a very common problem with many families that I’ve heard from through numerous emails. I don’t know if you read my article about Toxic Family Members but from what you’re saying here, it sounds like there is tons of it going on with your situation, so you might want to read that article too.
The husband won’t confront this at all huh? That’s not good, and since he won’t step up and deal with this within his own family, you can likely expect things to go on this way until he does. That’s not to say that having a husband talk to his family is some “magic bullet” so to speak, but it sure makes the family understand where he’s coming from and he will not tolerate his wife being treated this way.
As far as your nephew is concerned, you’re right. Who in their right mind would continue to babysit or watch a child if they’ve been accused of doing something or hurting the child in some way? I wouldn’t!
Gossip kills relationships, whether family or not, so stay clear of any discussions or gossiping going on. If anyone starts to tell you gossip type things, respectfully stop them and tell them you’d rather not know and change the subject. No matter what…, don’t continue to listen to the gossip and most definitely don’t be a gossiper yourself by telling other people what is being spread around. Even if it means walking away, leaving the room or the house or wherever you are – just get away from it and don’t get involved.
Can you attend another church, or perhaps attend the same church but at a different time? If not, then you can always sit on opposite sides of the church and not be directly involved with the inlaws while there. After the service is over, gather up your kids and head to the car if you like. That is one way of “disengaging” from the toxicity I mention in the Toxic Family Members article. I also discuss dealing with holiday situations there too. There is nothing that requires you to spend time with your inlaws during holidays. Don’t go if you don’t want to be around them and their nonsense. You can’t allow yourself to become their personal doormat. Stand up for yourself and decide what you will and won’t put up with, and then stick to it.
Your husband may not want to deal with this, but you have every right to decide for yourself what you will and won’t put up with in regards to his family. He would have the same right if the reverse were true and your family treated him like his treats you. It’s not about having to “pick” or choose between you and his family. (He already did that when he married you…. – it’s called “leaving and cleaving”). It’s about creating an atmosphere for your own marriage and family (including your children) where you’re not under this stress and pressure because of how inlaws are treating you.
It seems to me…that since they don’t even acknowledge or attend family gatherings or parties at your house, why bother? Don’t invite them over if they’re only going to treat you like crap. That is your right, you know? You can’t really make them love you or accept you or whatever the right word would be. You can and need to decide for yourself (for your health too) what you will and won’t put up with, and then you need to have a calm and respectful conversation with your husband and tell him exactly what you’ve decided. Since he won’t deal with this and create some boundaries for his own family, you are doing it for your own good and your health. In my opinion, his suggestion that you continue to attend family functions and “rub it in their faces” that they don’t bother you, is um….ridiculous. Simply ridiculous. I’d like to see what he’d say if he was the one being treated like crap. I betcha he wouldn’t be so inclined to continue showing up where he’s obviously not wanted, and I bet he’d find that he has “something to do” that day or during the time of the gathering or whatever.
Read my article about Toxic Family Members and I bet you will see yourself and your situation there. Disengage, Disassociate and Disconnect from those who are toxic. It’s really the only way to maintain your sanity and well-being.
Thank you, Lin. I’m headed to that article on Toxic people right now…….
After 14 years of trying I have given up. My MIL and I will never have a good relationship. She has had plenty of opportunities to meet her grand daughter, who is 4 1/2 now, but there is always an excuse.
She has blamed me for everything that her son has done. We now don’t speak. She only calls when she needs something.
I wish we had a relationship but until she wants to try it will stay this way.
It takes 2!
Claire, thanks for stopping by and contributing to the discussion about in-laws and the crazy problems that go on. Looks like you’ve got it under control!
That is a great article.
I have one wonderful daughter-in-law and we are great friends.
My other d-in-law to-be however is so different and yet she is lovely and I love her to bits.
She is not in the least bit interested in me or anything I do and yet I ring her and my son to see how they are and what they’ve been doing. We also have meals together once a week.
I am not one to interfere so I’m not the m-i-law from hell! lol
She likes my husband and will make a big effort to talk to him but often leaves me out of the equation. The other night I walked into my other son’s home and she just ignored me. I cannot fathom it out at all.
Sad to say, she also treats my 14 year-old grandson the same way, and he’s my main concern. He’s such a lovely young guy too but it hurts him as well.
I feel like she doesn’t like him and I, that we are an intrusion of sorts. Also, I’m not the sort of person to answer back or be assertive and stick up for myself, so tend to suffer in silence. I’m a peace-loving person and I just don’t want to cause a rift.
Hi Judy,
I’m so glad you have a great relationship with your DIL. With your soon-to-be DIL though, I wonder if maybe she’s concerned about how you might feel about her. Perhaps she is one the types of women who have heard “horror stories” about mother-in-laws and isn’t quite sure how she will get along with you. Have you at least asked your son about this? He knows her best at this point, and he may be able to shed some light on what she’s thinking and feeling right now. It’s not always a matter of interfering, or a problem of interfering. Sometimes it comes down to both people involved sitting down and talking about how each person feels and just “clearing the air” so to speak so you both know where you’re coming from. I would suggest bringing up the subject with your son in a kind and respectful way and just ask him about it. Just prepare yourself for the remote possibility that he may tell you something about his fiance’ feels that you might not understand or agree with. Maybe she feels like an outsider, and needs a little encouragement to feel like she’s welcome and accepted in the family.
Thank you for your help, Lin.
I agree, the best thing to do would be to approach my son, although somewhat carefully. My other son and I will do that because it’s also affecting his own son.
It seems so strange she should treat both myself and my grandson in the same manner. We are both loving people and try our best to please.
We have all welcomed his fiancee with open arms so I’m mystified why she would feel like an outsider after 3 years. She is treated no differently to my other d-in-law and we are a very close family. Perhaps that’s the problem.
Judy
Thank you for the great article… I don’t have a great relationship with my MIL but we don’t argue… it just seems there is something underlying that she doesn’t like about me. She has mentioned divorce several times casually when we have a conversation – like for example my husband made a joking comment saying I should get a tatoo of his name and she pipes up and says you shouldn’t incase you get a divorce. It leaves me feeling that she could care less about me. I have always tried to be respectful and polite and have tried several times to call and email and tell her we should keep in touch and she only responds and then never initiates later. I forgot to mention that they live far from us so we don’t even know each other that well. I feel like my feelings are always getting hurt because I want her so badly to include me but she doesn’t. Not to mention his sisters are the same… 1 of them doesn’t even respond if I send her an email. I want to be kind but isn’t there a line where you start looking like a fool when no one responds and you keep being the first to initiate everything?
Hi Susan,
I can understand how you might take your MIL’s comment about getting a tattoo personally, but it may or may not be meant the way you’re taking it at all. Like you said, you live far away from your in-laws and don’t really know each very well. Not knowing each other very well can make relationships and building friendships with in-laws verrrry difficult. It’s easy to make assumptions about people and in-laws are no exception to that. The distance between you and your in-laws can be difficult and beneficial all at the same time. The distance makes it more difficult to build a deep, strong bonded relationship where everyone feels loved and cared about, but the distance also allows you and your husband the privacy couples need. Everyone has their own quirks and personality traits that can get on our nerves, and it can often occur when voicing a personal opinion on a subject that comes across as hurtful or “blunt” and ends up hurting someone else’s feelings without meaning to. If his sisters don’t respond to your emails and attempts to build a friendship, don’t waste your time emailing them where you end up feeling hurt because they don’t respond. Your marriage to your husband comes first and foremost, and having a close knit relationship with everyone on his side is great in a perfect world where no one has personality differences etc. Focus your energies on being a wonderful wife to your husband and perhaps in time his mother and sisters will see how happy he is and will begin taking steps to include you more. It may or may not become how you hope and that is one big reason why you shouldn’t base your happiness on whether or not his mother or sisters are openly loving and accepting towards you. Be kind, respectful and all those things, but focus your time and energies on what is most important – your relationship with your husband.
Hi Lin,
I feel so happy seeing your article. It is great and i feel a lot better after read all our friend’s stories and how to handler the situation.
I also facing the same problems but i dont want to repeat here again.
What i want to mention here and would like to seek for your advise is about my sister in law.
She is the root caused for all the problems.
She is interfere mine and my husband relationship. She is married with a daughter and staying with my IL and we are not staying together with them. She always complaint to my IL that i alway controlled his bro. I will get all the blaming for what he did or my daughter did. I never talk back or argue with them coz they are elder and i’m respect them. Even if they said something that i’m not agree with, i wil just say i’m will think about it and look into it, thank you for all the advices. They likes to complaint everything i did and asked my husband not to tell me and he did it coz he dont want me to get upset but i can smell something and asked him then only him admit and tell me the trueand said that he already explain to them.
My SIL said i’m not respect their parent never address them but it’s not true at all. I did greet them but they will never respond like i’m talking to the wall.Actually SIL is the one that not respecting me and will never greet me but i never complaint it to my husband. Even our financial SIL also keep on asking about it. I bought a new car recently. She also jump and complaint and told us must buy one for my MIL too.
The way i educate my daughter also they hv comment. Nowaday the kids are so smart we cannot using the old style to educate them. Me and my daughter relationship is just like a good friend we will talk everything and share everything that happen in her school. Then SIL comment that i teach my daughter to disrespect her father and spoil her. My husband keep on explaining to them but still cant changed their mind set.
My husband warn her to stay away from our affair but she is still brain wash my IL.
My husband said i should be nice to them and care about them, which mean i hv to take the first step, which i agree and start it. But last night SIL SMS my husband saying that MIL worried about him, i controlled too much and spoil my daughter. Then i hv a talk to my husband to find out is it true that unconsciously i cantrolled him too much and the way i teach my daughter is not appropriate but my husband said not at all i did a great job and he can concentrate on his job without worried about everything.
There are still many issues that happend but i cant write all here.
Please guide me how to handle such SIL.
Apology for my poor english, i still learning. Hope you can understand what i mean.
Thank you
CL,
Sorry for the delay in responding to your comment/question. Your message somehow ended up in my Spam folder and had to be approved from there. I’m going to email you directly about this because there are some things I don’t quite understand and I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying before I respond. Please watch for my email today.
Hello and thank you so much for providing some insight into the mystery of mother in law and daughter in law relationships. I, like many of the women on the site, have begun to have some problems with my MIL.
When I first met my mother in law, she was always very polite and courteous to me. My husband warned me and said she was a horrible person and such, but I didn’t want to believe it. She tried to make me feel comfortable in her home and we didn’t experience any problems despite my husband having a poor relationship with her. My husband’s relationship with his mother is best described as volatile. They are both very stubborn people and their relationship has deteriorated in the years since we have married. Admittedly, I haven’t always wanted to spend time with her, but I have done so to keep the peace between her and my husband. I also find it difficult to try and develop a good relationship with a mother in law that clearly doesn’t get along with her son. I feel like if she develops a good relationship with me, she will begin to manipulate him through me as she has done in previous relationships. (She is still in contact with her other son’s ex-wife and my husband’s ex-girlfriend.)
Fast forward about six years. I am unemployed not by choice (my husband accepted a new job in another city) and things have really gone south regarding the relationship with his mother. She has begun to make comments about feeling neglected because he doesn’t spend enough time with her, she says I should be dropping by to check on her, accuses me of alienating my husband from the family, and makes comments about my job loss in ear shot of me. I feel stuck in between the two. I am supportive of the relationship getting better between them, but I don’t think my husband wants it to truly get better. I don’t think I can go on for years and years with blame being placed on me for their poor relationship. What should I do here? She seems to want more of a “spouse” relationship with her son than a normal mother-son relationship.
Amanda,
As much as you would be agreeable to the relationship between your husband and his mother getting better, there must be a reason why that hasn’t happened and why your husband isn’t really inclined to do much about it.
Unfortunately, there isn’t a whole lot that you can do to try and stop his mother from talking crap about either of you, whether in your ear shot or while you’re not around. Gossipers don’t care about the people they’re talking crap about – nor do gossipers take the time to consider how being a gossip makes them look to everyone they’re gossiping TO.
It seems to me that you have two choices. One, you and your husband could sit down with your MIL and respectfully explain to her that the things she’s doing towards you and your husband is creating a much deeper problem between all of you. You could then explain to her the different things you’ve decided as a couple to do in regards to setting boundaries with her, so that you and your husband can enjoy the peace you deserve without having to constantly put up with family nonsense. Your MIL doesn’t have to like the boundaries or agree with any of them. Like, how often you will or won’t be getting together with her. How often she may or may not call. How often you will or won’t “be dropping by to check on her” etc. You can’t let her control your lives, and she needs to know that, preferably from your husband’s mouth in a respectful, calm manner. How she takes the news and reacts to your joint decision is up to her, but you can also make clear to her that how she reacts to these boundaries and how/IF she goes and starts again to gossip and blame either of you etc for the relationship problems will not be tolerated and there will be further consequences to the relationship if she does so.
The other choice is to just ignore it and go on as is. Clearly that option doesn’t work well for any of you. Unfortunately, people gossip and why they do it to the detriment to the family relationships doesn’t seem to be taken seriously enough to stop the behavior. So, those who are continuously being gossiped about… end up taking the position of distancing themselves from the toxic behaviors of gossipers and spend almost NO time with them whatsoever. Good luck in what you decide Amanda.
I like the idea of setting the boundaries and you are probably right about her disliking them. My husband has previously asked her what expectations she has as a good son. She responded by saying he should call everyday and come by a few times a week. Of course, I don’t think these are reasonable expectations for any parent to put on a child with a job and a family unless of course that family member is in a near death situation. He doesn’t think they are reasonable either and the boundaries still have not been defined.
I am going to do my best to grow as a person and move along with my life. I don’t think I will ever have a close relationship with my mother in law, but I’m okay with that. Thanks so much for your advice! It is so nice to hear an unbiased opinion!
Amanda,
The expectations that your MIL has about calling every single day and stopping by to visit a few times a week is unrealistic and beyond ridiculous. Her kids are grown and have their own lives, jobs and families to take care of and support. If she’s feeling “empty nest” sort of feelings, then she needs to realize that and make some plans of her own of things she can do with the rest of her life without intruding on the lives of her children. Happy Thanksgiving in advance Amanda, and I hope you and your hubby make the holidays fabulous!