“Daughter-In-Laws from hell”? Are you a good daughter-in-law to your husband’s mother, or soon to be mother-in-law? Can you honestly say to yourself, “I am a good daughter-in-law”? Being a good daughter-in-law and building a great relationship with your husband’s mother, and maintaining that good relationship, can be easier than you think or more challenging and difficult than you could ever imagine.
Ever since I wrote How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law, I’ve been inundated with emails from mothers who describe their current or future daughter-in-law as the daughter-in-law from hell; jealous; selfish; manipulative; controlling; disrespectful; rude; conniving; evil and psychotic, just to name a few not-so-nice descriptive words about daughter-in-laws.
Some mothers used “daughter-in-law hates me” and “I hate my daughter-in-law” in the email subject line to describe the difficulties and animosity felt between the mother and daughter-in-law. A few mothers wrote about their relationship problems with a son-in-law as well, but the typical problems existing between mothers and daughter-in-laws are much more common than those with a current or future son-in-law.
I’ll be dealing with the issues of being a good son-in-law in an upcoming article, but for now let’s just stick with you, the daughter-in-law.
Mother-In-Law/Daughter-In-Law Problems
After reading and responding to many emails, as well as visiting websites, message boards and online support groups where mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws complain about each other and their problems, it became obvious to me that there is a tremendous amount of misunderstandings, misinterpretations, hyper-sensitivity and mean-spirited gossip being said about each other. But rarely any advice or real solutions being shared.
Based on the complaints posted on those sites, it became apparent to me that most daughter-in-laws are not evil or cruel, but are misguided and feel threatened. Daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws are both guilty of not even attempting to understand the others wants, needs and perspective, but are very quick to criticize and ridicule the other.
Members of various support groups for daughter-in-laws have even linked to my leave and cleave article, taking words out of context, in an extreme attempt to prove their personal opinion that communication with mother-in-laws (and sometimes father-in-laws) should be cut to a bare minimum if not completely eliminated.
Now you just wait a cotton-pickin’ minute! If that is your position, you’ve missed the whole point of that entire article and are twisting the meaning of leaving and cleaving for your own selfish reasons, and your attempts to get rid of your mother-in-law will come back to bite you in the end.
Trouble between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law arises far too often when one or both thinks the other is out to get them, which is not necessarily true. The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law both want the same thing! Time spent with the son! Problems between the MIL/DIL (Mother-In-Law/Daughter-In-Law) often occur when one or both women try to get their needs met by attempting to exclude the other from even the simplest things in life.
One mother emailed me about how hurt she felt by not being included in any of the decisions about the wedding plans or budget for her son and soon to be daughter-in-law’s wedding, despite the fact that this mother is expected to pay more than half of the wedding costs!
Daughter-In-Law Do’s and Don’ts
- Remember, your husband was a son to his mother first, and the relationship bond between mother and son should never be trifled with. The harder you try to divide and conquer the relationship between your husband and his mother, the more you will discover that you’ve undermined any and all efforts to get along with your in-laws and will cause your husband and his family to resent you.
- Don’t take everything so personal. Taking every suggestion, recommendation or idea offered as always being a negative against you suggests the existence of very low self-esteem on your part. Why do you choose to take everything so personal? A mother emailed me about her excitement about becoming a grandmother for the first time and how she made a few harmless baby name suggestions, only to receive an email from her daughter-in-law that such suggestions are not wanted or welcomed. What?!
- The relationship with the son is not a competition. He married you because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. In a marriage, a husband must put his wife as number one in the relationship, but don’t make the mistake of putting your husband in a position of having to defend his relationship with his mother. If setting limits and boundaries are needed on how often your mother-in-law calls to speak to your husband or visits, it is up to your husband to decide and act on that, not yours.
- Communication is key. Take the initiative to call and chat with your mother-in-law with news and updates, even if you think it’s about mundane, trivial matters. Remember birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and special occasions, just as I bet you want your mother-in-law to do for you. Invite your in-laws to your home for a meal on occasion. Send pictures and cards. Ask for advice and willingly listen to her ideas, but that doesn’t mean you must do everything her way. Ask your mother-in-law for recipes of your husband’s favorite meals while he was growing up – she’ll love it and so will your husband.
- Take good care of her son. Your mother-in-law raised your husband to become the man you fell in love with and married, and she should be thanked, praised and respected for that. Your mother-in-law wants and needs to know that the hard work she put forth loving, raising and caring for her beloved son will continue to be provided in your care. Of course your mother-in-law expects to see your home is well-kept, clean and orderly, just as she worked hard to do while raising him. Of course she expects your husband to have clean clothes and clean underwear to wear at all times. Of course she expects your husband to always be well fed with healthy, nourishing meals, just as she did for so many years. Of course she does! So will you when it’s your turn to play the role of mother-in-law when the time comes.
- Do not be a gossip. Are you a gossip? Do you talk crap about any of your in-laws? Spreading negative gossip about any or all family members will cause you to be labeled as a toxic person, undoubtedly leading friends, family and others to not want to associate with you or trust you ever again. The harmful effects of gossip are well-known, and you would be wise to learn the difference between good gossip and negative gossip before you yourself become a victim to a malicious gossiper and discover the results the hard way.
I know, there ARE mother-in-laws who will do everything within their power to prove you are not worthy of their son and will attempt to drive a wedge between you and your husband or husband-to-be. Develop a thick-skin, be assertive and respectful, but don’t stoop to her level and become anyone’s doormat. But not all mother-in-laws are trying to control you or take over your life; they want to be valued and want to share a meaningful place in your lives.
As the daughter-in-law, you’re trying to protect your “turf”, while your mother-in-law wants a place at your table too. Work on your relationship with your mother-in-law; read daughter-in-law books
Are you having MIL/DIL problems you would like to share? Do you have a question about having a good daughter-in-law relationship with your mother-in-law? Feel free to ask your questions in the comments section below.
Wow Lin.. Wonderful article. I think it is very important to make an effort and work towards improving a relationship (any relationship rather) rather than just lamenting about how sour it has gone. In fact, whenever you feel you have got a bad mother/daughter in-law, just try stepping into the others shoes and think about their perspective. This goes a long way in understanding the other person and makes for easier acceptance!
Janet, it’s been interesting how so many daughter-in-laws AND mother-in-laws don’t really take the time to consider each others perspective. They both want the same thing, but for all the reasons mentioned (and then some), there is a huge disconnect in the MIL/DIL relationship because the way they each go about getting their needs met is treated like a tug-a-war game.
Lin, your article reminds me of a movie named, “Monster-in-Law”, which is it a conflict between Jennifer Lopez (daughter in law)and Jane Fonda (Mother in law).
Honestly, most of my married friends have problems, when they’re living with their parents-in-law. I thought they should read this post, as it’s a very well-written post that teaching on how to live with our mother in law peacefully!
Wilson, it’s funny that you mention the Monster-In-Law movie with Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda about daughter-in-law and mother-in-law problems because I used an image from that movie in my article about being a good mother-in-law!
There was also the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” that explored in-law problems as well, and I’ve used a picture from that movie for one of my “in-law” posts.
I never, ever advocate or recommend adult children (married or single) living with their parents or the parents-in-law. It just doesn’t work and I’ve explained the reasons why it doesn’t work at great length. I hope your friends are able to read this post and can find some help here.
My soon-to-be mom-in-law seems like a very sweet person. However, she has a habit of ignoring me when we get together with friends and family. Also, she is very critical about the way i dress and the way i cook. Instead of offering advise to make me feel better, she ridicules me in front of others. How can i let her know that this hurts my feelings a lot?
Hi Julia,
I’ve heard from several daughter-in-laws who have said their soon to be or current mother-in-law ignores them at gatherings with friends and family. Some have said their mother-in-law doesn’t talk to them at all at these family gatherings or parties, but spends all of their time gossiping about their daughter-in-law about one thing or another.
Julia, when you say your soon-to-be mother in law “seems” to be a sweet person, it makes me think that possibly the two of you haven’t really spent much time getting to know each on a personal level. If the two of you haven’t spent much time together one-on-one, just chatting and getting to know each other, I would recommend that you start working on that. If the two of you haven’t spent much or any time together one on one, I can kind of understand how your MIL might feel somewhat uncomfortable at social gatherings with someone she hasn’t gotten to know at all. It’s like being a room with a bunch of strangers, when suddenly one or two people you really know well walk in and you spend all your time with those two people, because you know them well and you have a history of friendship.
For the time being, I would give your MIL the benefit of the doubt until you have concrete proof that she doesn’t like you for some reason. Oftentimes, from numerous emails I’ve received from both MIL’s and DIL’s, the bottom line of many of the problems and conflicts is due to the two women not having gotten to know each other very well (or at all) before getting married. Take the initiative to invite your mother in law (and father in law?) over for a meal, run some errands together, or do some shopping together that doesn’t involve clothes since you say she criticizes what you wear.
If you have concrete proof that your mother-in-law has been talking crap about you to others, that’s a big no-no for anyone, including mother-in-laws. Talk to your fiance’ about what is or has been said about you by his mother, explaining in detail what has been said about you, then ask him to tell you how he feels about it. For there to be a good result from any confrontation or conversation with his mother, having your husband-to-be there with you as support is HUGE.
Keeping in mind what I said about whether or not you and your MIL-to-be really know each other well or not, talk respectfully and ASSERTIVELY to her about how it makes you feel when she criticizes your clothes, cooking and whatever else. Begin each and every sentence with “I feel” or “I need” etc, because you don’t want to come across as beating her over the head with accusations that may or may not be true or intended. Starting sentences out with “You criticize my cooking” or “You ridicule me in front of others” etc will immediately put her on the defensive and the conversation won’t go very well.
Assuming your fiance’ is aware that his mother ridicules or criticizes you in front of others, BOTH you and your fiance’ need to respectfully let her know that neither of you will tolerate such behavior on her part, and ask her kindly to stop doing that. Your fiance’ may want to tell his mother that things she’s saying about you to others hurts HIM too, and that continuing to gossip about you will affect the relationship between mother and son, because you are about to become his wife. No husband or husband-to-be should ever tolerate his mother putting his wife down for any reason, but the wife must be treated with respect and dignity, just as the mother-in-law wants and expects to be treated herself.
Relationships of any kind demand a lot of work on both parts in order to grow strong and deep. Some relationships take more time than others. Personally, I get on very well with my in-laws but we’ve both set clear limits as to to which extent they can intrude in our marriage life. Parents and inlaws sometimes find it difficult to let their children grow an independent life. It’s up to us to help them do so.
.-= Jill´s last blog ..Colon Free Zone, Panama =-.
Hi Jill,
So many people struggle with in-law conflicts and problems, it’s very sad. I’ve heard from so many people who say they regret getting married at all because of how they’re treated by their in-laws. Some say they’re treated like outcasts, where no one on their husband or wife’s side of the family has even bothered to get to know them very well or at all. Many have told me that they’re gossiped about on a regular basis, ridiculed and criticized for no valid reason whatsoever. Some have even emailed me asking the typical question of “Can this marriage be saved?” after being married for several years and the family’s “abuse” continues. I certainly can’t tell anyone whether or not they should get a divorce, as that is a personal decision for each to make on their own, but I guess it depends on whether there is any possibility or things getting better over time.
Hi Lin,
What a great idea for you to write this article. I appreciate you coming from an impartial position and providing some meaningful advise that seems logical and makes sense. I am a DIL. I’ve been married to my wonderful husband for 6 years and we have 2 beautiful children. We have a happy marriage. While we try to celebrate this (it’s not common in either of our families) we are often times are faced with resentment or negativaty from my MIL, I feel, because we are happy. My MIL was a young mother at 14 yrs old, has 4 sons (each with a different father). The ages range from early 12 yrs to early 30′s. She’s the only child used to getting her way. I feel she dispises me because I and my husband do not allow her nagative comments and hateful opinions shaek us up. It’s so sad that no one son has a close relationship with her. I see that she is lonely, resentful, depressed, and can’t be happy for anyone because she is not. She calls me to complain about EVERYTHING, talks about me and my loved ones (including my husband + best friend + her mother) to my face but expects no retort on my end. I’ve thought of not answering the phone when she calls to avoid being at the receiving end, but if I don’t answer what will be left of my communication with her? She constantly makes bad finacial decisions, blowing probably several thousands per month. Her relationship descions are even worse. I don’t want to judge her or make her feel bad. But she gets into these really bad situations, calls me to tell me about it, lets me know that everyone was wrong except her, and when I offer my opinion in response she suddenly tells me I’m out of place. She rarely comes to see her grandkids but blames me for why she doesn’t see them. She says she is grateful for me but periodically makes comments implying that my husband could decide to leave me suddenly. For such reason, she says, I shouldn’t get comfortable. I am so confused. Especially since he very committed to his family. Can you offer some advise on what I should do differently?
Hi Crystal,
From you’ve said here, you feel that your mother-in-law resents you and your happy marriage, and that she’s used to getting her own way.
The fact that your MIL doesn’t seem to have a close relationship with any of her four sons says a lot. It appears that all of them recognize the problems and issues for themselves and have chosen to distance themselves from her. Perhaps the sons recognize things about their mother’s attitude and behaviors that signal some “toxicity” in her personality that is damaging to them, to the point where backing away from her in various ways is the only healthy way of dealing with her.
I assume that you’ve had considerable discussion with your husband about your MIL’s behaviors towards you, and the things she’s said to you that hurt you, including those that involve your husband.
From what you describe, it appears that your MIL has you tied up in knots emotionally and mentally, never knowing when she’ll be nice to you and when the shoe will drop and she’ll turn the tables on you and treat you badly.
If you and your husband together….have not yet had a serious and respectful one-on-one conversation with her about her comments to and about you two, I strongly recommend you and your husband do so.
At that discussion, your husband should be the one who primarily handles the conversation, as it is his mother. Your husband should respectfully but clearly state the problems and things she’s doing/saying that HE himself and you want stopped.
Your husband should explain to his mother verbatim the boundaries you two have agreed upon in regards to how she can or can’t speak to the children or to you, and your husband should let his mother know that he is aware of what she’s been saying about you, his chosen wife for life, and anything beyond kind/respectful words will not be tolerated.
He (and you can interject some) should explain how you FEEL inside when she calls to complain/gossip about family members, and explain that you don’t want any part of that. Let her know that each and every time that she begins to talk badly about someone else (family or otherwise), that you will have no choice but to interrupt her mid-sentence and remind her that such things are none of your business and you don’t want to hear it. If she continues anyway, then you will interrupt her and let her know you have to let her go – say goodbye and then hang up. Seriously.
You have every right to decide whether or not you will or won’t answer the phone. You don’t have any control or say in how she spends her money, so I wouldn’t even go there with her. I’d also stay clear of any discussions about her relationships, and if conversations turn that way, remind her again about your one-on-one conversation that made clear you don’t want to know such personal things. Again, if she continues anyway, excuse yourself off the phone, or if necessary..leave the premises where the conversation is being had.
Over time she will learn that there are boundaries she must abide by, whether she likes it or not, and that if she does those things anyway…she is making a conscious choice that requires you and your husband to put even MORE distance between you (for the sake of your family and marriage).
That comment about how your husband could decide to leave you suddenly needs to be nipped in the bud, like yesterday. Your husband needs to deal with her on that one, with firm yet loving, respectful phrases and tone that indicate that she is waaaaay out of line and she’d better stop it. She will have no choice but to realize that the more she tries to hurt or upset you, she is actually causing problems between herself and her son. If you haven’t yet read my article about toxic family members, I suggest you do so now, because I can see some clear signs of that. Take care of yourself and your family.
Maybe you ladies can give me some well-needed advice. I am beginning to think I am crazy, and maybe it’s me who is the root of my problems with my husband’s family. Let me start off by saying I’ve been married to the same man for 20 years, and had previously had a decent relationship with the in-laws, although there has always been constant drama and bickering and gossip between them (there are four siblings – all married). Each of the siblings has lived in my home at some time or another (before we had kids), and we’ve even co-signed for a vehicle for one of them. I do believe that deep down, they are all good decent people. They just hate me. My problems didn’t start until my FIL passed away. (they used to sit around their dinner table and joke about getting FIL drunk and throwing him off a boat to drown…..how warped is that?) Since then, we’ve had numerous “situations” and parties where me and my children are excluded. Very much gossip has made its way back to me, and apparently my in-laws have never thought much of me. My MIL has told me herself that she believes my husband works so hard so I don’t have to. (I was homeschooling my children at the time) I have even been falsely accused of child abuse towards one of my nephews, upon which I let them all know that my feelings were hurt. The only response I got was “what were they supposed to think”, even after the child was seen by a specialist who confirmed that the child’s problem was related to a birth defect that he suffers from. To this day, they still say I “did something” to the child and am covering it up since I will no longer babysit him. Who in their right mind would watch a child they’d been accused of harming in some way? When one of my teenage neices hurt my own child (who is 8 years old) and was nasty to her instead of apologizing, I did become angry and had something to say about that. This family NEVER apologizes for ANYTHING. The family just makes excuses for the young teenaged child about how “hard” her life is right now. (which is true…she is going through alot) So, in handling this, I am ashamed to say that I really would be okay with their kids not being around mine. It is a constant battle, and I do indeed tend to get upset after several years of this and actually do voice my opinions about it lately, which I have learned doesn’t help the matter. My husband just says that’s the way they are and I shouldn’t let it bother me. He will not confront this at all. He says to just go (to family functions) and “rub it in their faces” that I won’t let them bother me (but it’s because they are still nice to my husband, yet haven’t spoken to me in two years). ? What??? Who can do that? I have seen other married-in-members of the family have to sit in their cars during Thanksgiving or Christmas gatherings because they aren’t welcome in the in-laws home. I have seen this family go into SIL’s home to kick her husband out after she (MIL) and another SIL makes up a story that SIL is being abused and wants to kick hubby out and needs help because she is afraid. (a complete false story to get the whole family involved) I have been told (but not seen with my own eyes) that both MIL and SIL use Benadryl for the kids when they don’t want to “deal” with them. I am so tired of the drama, yet, I know I have become vocal in my opposition towards them. How do I get along with these people for the sake of my husband? I can’t avoid them, as we attend the same small church. Nor do I feel that I should make my husband “pick” between us. I don’t want that, but I don’t want to continue this toxic cycle between us either. Half of my husband’s family hates me (probably because I no longer keep my mouth shut). Just the mere thought of holidays with them literally gives me chest and stomach pain. I have tried to invite the “problem” inlaws to dinner, kids’ birthday parties, etc. to try to just be able to get along and make sure no one is excluded, but usually our invitations aren’t even acknowledged, let alone declined. I don’t know how to get to a place where I don’t care what they think or do because they are always around. HELP. Does anyone have any suggestion for me? I hope they don’t read this, or I’ll never live this down…….
Hi Anna, wow…what a mess. What you’re experiencing is a very common problem with many families that I’ve heard from through numerous emails. I don’t know if you read my article about Toxic Family Members but from what you’re saying here, it sounds like there is tons of it going on with your situation, so you might want to read that article too.
The husband won’t confront this at all huh? That’s not good, and since he won’t step up and deal with this within his own family, you can likely expect things to go on this way until he does. That’s not to say that having a husband talk to his family is some “magic bullet” so to speak, but it sure makes the family understand where he’s coming from and he will not tolerate his wife being treated this way.
As far as your nephew is concerned, you’re right. Who in their right mind would continue to babysit or watch a child if they’ve been accused of doing something or hurting the child in some way? I wouldn’t!
Gossip kills relationships, whether family or not, so stay clear of any discussions or gossiping going on. If anyone starts to tell you gossip type things, respectfully stop them and tell them you’d rather not know and change the subject. No matter what…, don’t continue to listen to the gossip and most definitely don’t be a gossiper yourself by telling other people what is being spread around. Even if it means walking away, leaving the room or the house or wherever you are – just get away from it and don’t get involved.
Can you attend another church, or perhaps attend the same church but at a different time? If not, then you can always sit on opposite sides of the church and not be directly involved with the inlaws while there. After the service is over, gather up your kids and head to the car if you like. That is one way of “disengaging” from the toxicity I mention in the Toxic Family Members article. I also discuss dealing with holiday situations there too. There is nothing that requires you to spend time with your inlaws during holidays. Don’t go if you don’t want to be around them and their nonsense. You can’t allow yourself to become their personal doormat. Stand up for yourself and decide what you will and won’t put up with, and then stick to it.
Your husband may not want to deal with this, but you have every right to decide for yourself what you will and won’t put up with in regards to his family. He would have the same right if the reverse were true and your family treated him like his treats you. It’s not about having to “pick” or choose between you and his family. (He already did that when he married you…. – it’s called “leaving and cleaving”). It’s about creating an atmosphere for your own marriage and family (including your children) where you’re not under this stress and pressure because of how inlaws are treating you.
It seems to me…that since they don’t even acknowledge or attend family gatherings or parties at your house, why bother? Don’t invite them over if they’re only going to treat you like crap. That is your right, you know? You can’t really make them love you or accept you or whatever the right word would be. You can and need to decide for yourself (for your health too) what you will and won’t put up with, and then you need to have a calm and respectful conversation with your husband and tell him exactly what you’ve decided. Since he won’t deal with this and create some boundaries for his own family, you are doing it for your own good and your health. In my opinion, his suggestion that you continue to attend family functions and “rub it in their faces” that they don’t bother you, is um….ridiculous. Simply ridiculous. I’d like to see what he’d say if he was the one being treated like crap. I betcha he wouldn’t be so inclined to continue showing up where he’s obviously not wanted, and I bet he’d find that he has “something to do” that day or during the time of the gathering or whatever.
Read my article about Toxic Family Members and I bet you will see yourself and your situation there. Disengage, Disassociate and Disconnect from those who are toxic. It’s really the only way to maintain your sanity and well-being.
Thank you, Lin. I’m headed to that article on Toxic people right now…….
After 14 years of trying I have given up. My MIL and I will never have a good relationship. She has had plenty of opportunities to meet her grand daughter, who is 4 1/2 now, but there is always an excuse.
She has blamed me for everything that her son has done. We now don’t speak. She only calls when she needs something.
I wish we had a relationship but until she wants to try it will stay this way.
It takes 2!
Claire, thanks for stopping by and contributing to the discussion about in-laws and the crazy problems that go on. Looks like you’ve got it under control!
That is a great article.
I have one wonderful daughter-in-law and we are great friends.
My other d-in-law to-be however is so different and yet she is lovely and I love her to bits.
She is not in the least bit interested in me or anything I do and yet I ring her and my son to see how they are and what they’ve been doing. We also have meals together once a week.
I am not one to interfere so I’m not the m-i-law from hell! lol
She likes my husband and will make a big effort to talk to him but often leaves me out of the equation. The other night I walked into my other son’s home and she just ignored me. I cannot fathom it out at all.
Sad to say, she also treats my 14 year-old grandson the same way, and he’s my main concern. He’s such a lovely young guy too but it hurts him as well.
I feel like she doesn’t like him and I, that we are an intrusion of sorts. Also, I’m not the sort of person to answer back or be assertive and stick up for myself, so tend to suffer in silence. I’m a peace-loving person and I just don’t want to cause a rift.
Hi Judy,
I’m so glad you have a great relationship with your DIL. With your soon-to-be DIL though, I wonder if maybe she’s concerned about how you might feel about her. Perhaps she is one the types of women who have heard “horror stories” about mother-in-laws and isn’t quite sure how she will get along with you. Have you at least asked your son about this? He knows her best at this point, and he may be able to shed some light on what she’s thinking and feeling right now. It’s not always a matter of interfering, or a problem of interfering. Sometimes it comes down to both people involved sitting down and talking about how each person feels and just “clearing the air” so to speak so you both know where you’re coming from. I would suggest bringing up the subject with your son in a kind and respectful way and just ask him about it. Just prepare yourself for the remote possibility that he may tell you something about his fiance’ feels that you might not understand or agree with. Maybe she feels like an outsider, and needs a little encouragement to feel like she’s welcome and accepted in the family.
Thank you for your help, Lin.
I agree, the best thing to do would be to approach my son, although somewhat carefully. My other son and I will do that because it’s also affecting his own son.
It seems so strange she should treat both myself and my grandson in the same manner. We are both loving people and try our best to please.
We have all welcomed his fiancee with open arms so I’m mystified why she would feel like an outsider after 3 years. She is treated no differently to my other d-in-law and we are a very close family. Perhaps that’s the problem.
Judy
Thank you for the great article… I don’t have a great relationship with my MIL but we don’t argue… it just seems there is something underlying that she doesn’t like about me. She has mentioned divorce several times casually when we have a conversation – like for example my husband made a joking comment saying I should get a tatoo of his name and she pipes up and says you shouldn’t incase you get a divorce. It leaves me feeling that she could care less about me. I have always tried to be respectful and polite and have tried several times to call and email and tell her we should keep in touch and she only responds and then never initiates later. I forgot to mention that they live far from us so we don’t even know each other that well. I feel like my feelings are always getting hurt because I want her so badly to include me but she doesn’t. Not to mention his sisters are the same… 1 of them doesn’t even respond if I send her an email. I want to be kind but isn’t there a line where you start looking like a fool when no one responds and you keep being the first to initiate everything?
Hi Susan,
I can understand how you might take your MIL’s comment about getting a tattoo personally, but it may or may not be meant the way you’re taking it at all. Like you said, you live far away from your in-laws and don’t really know each very well. Not knowing each other very well can make relationships and building friendships with in-laws verrrry difficult. It’s easy to make assumptions about people and in-laws are no exception to that. The distance between you and your in-laws can be difficult and beneficial all at the same time. The distance makes it more difficult to build a deep, strong bonded relationship where everyone feels loved and cared about, but the distance also allows you and your husband the privacy couples need. Everyone has their own quirks and personality traits that can get on our nerves, and it can often occur when voicing a personal opinion on a subject that comes across as hurtful or “blunt” and ends up hurting someone else’s feelings without meaning to. If his sisters don’t respond to your emails and attempts to build a friendship, don’t waste your time emailing them where you end up feeling hurt because they don’t respond. Your marriage to your husband comes first and foremost, and having a close knit relationship with everyone on his side is great in a perfect world where no one has personality differences etc. Focus your energies on being a wonderful wife to your husband and perhaps in time his mother and sisters will see how happy he is and will begin taking steps to include you more. It may or may not become how you hope and that is one big reason why you shouldn’t base your happiness on whether or not his mother or sisters are openly loving and accepting towards you. Be kind, respectful and all those things, but focus your time and energies on what is most important – your relationship with your husband.
Hi Lin,
I feel so happy seeing your article. It is great and i feel a lot better after read all our friend’s stories and how to handler the situation.
I also facing the same problems but i dont want to repeat here again.
What i want to mention here and would like to seek for your advise is about my sister in law.
She is the root caused for all the problems.
She is interfere mine and my husband relationship. She is married with a daughter and staying with my IL and we are not staying together with them. She always complaint to my IL that i alway controlled his bro. I will get all the blaming for what he did or my daughter did. I never talk back or argue with them coz they are elder and i’m respect them. Even if they said something that i’m not agree with, i wil just say i’m will think about it and look into it, thank you for all the advices. They likes to complaint everything i did and asked my husband not to tell me and he did it coz he dont want me to get upset but i can smell something and asked him then only him admit and tell me the trueand said that he already explain to them.
My SIL said i’m not respect their parent never address them but it’s not true at all. I did greet them but they will never respond like i’m talking to the wall.Actually SIL is the one that not respecting me and will never greet me but i never complaint it to my husband. Even our financial SIL also keep on asking about it. I bought a new car recently. She also jump and complaint and told us must buy one for my MIL too.
The way i educate my daughter also they hv comment. Nowaday the kids are so smart we cannot using the old style to educate them. Me and my daughter relationship is just like a good friend we will talk everything and share everything that happen in her school. Then SIL comment that i teach my daughter to disrespect her father and spoil her. My husband keep on explaining to them but still cant changed their mind set.
My husband warn her to stay away from our affair but she is still brain wash my IL.
My husband said i should be nice to them and care about them, which mean i hv to take the first step, which i agree and start it. But last night SIL SMS my husband saying that MIL worried about him, i controlled too much and spoil my daughter. Then i hv a talk to my husband to find out is it true that unconsciously i cantrolled him too much and the way i teach my daughter is not appropriate but my husband said not at all i did a great job and he can concentrate on his job without worried about everything.
There are still many issues that happend but i cant write all here.
Please guide me how to handle such SIL.
Apology for my poor english, i still learning. Hope you can understand what i mean.
Thank you
CL,
Sorry for the delay in responding to your comment/question. Your message somehow ended up in my Spam folder and had to be approved from there. I’m going to email you directly about this because there are some things I don’t quite understand and I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying before I respond. Please watch for my email today.
Hello and thank you so much for providing some insight into the mystery of mother in law and daughter in law relationships. I, like many of the women on the site, have begun to have some problems with my MIL.
When I first met my mother in law, she was always very polite and courteous to me. My husband warned me and said she was a horrible person and such, but I didn’t want to believe it. She tried to make me feel comfortable in her home and we didn’t experience any problems despite my husband having a poor relationship with her. My husband’s relationship with his mother is best described as volatile. They are both very stubborn people and their relationship has deteriorated in the years since we have married. Admittedly, I haven’t always wanted to spend time with her, but I have done so to keep the peace between her and my husband. I also find it difficult to try and develop a good relationship with a mother in law that clearly doesn’t get along with her son. I feel like if she develops a good relationship with me, she will begin to manipulate him through me as she has done in previous relationships. (She is still in contact with her other son’s ex-wife and my husband’s ex-girlfriend.)
Fast forward about six years. I am unemployed not by choice (my husband accepted a new job in another city) and things have really gone south regarding the relationship with his mother. She has begun to make comments about feeling neglected because he doesn’t spend enough time with her, she says I should be dropping by to check on her, accuses me of alienating my husband from the family, and makes comments about my job loss in ear shot of me. I feel stuck in between the two. I am supportive of the relationship getting better between them, but I don’t think my husband wants it to truly get better. I don’t think I can go on for years and years with blame being placed on me for their poor relationship. What should I do here? She seems to want more of a “spouse” relationship with her son than a normal mother-son relationship.
Amanda,
As much as you would be agreeable to the relationship between your husband and his mother getting better, there must be a reason why that hasn’t happened and why your husband isn’t really inclined to do much about it.
Unfortunately, there isn’t a whole lot that you can do to try and stop his mother from talking crap about either of you, whether in your ear shot or while you’re not around. Gossipers don’t care about the people they’re talking crap about – nor do gossipers take the time to consider how being a gossip makes them look to everyone they’re gossiping TO.
It seems to me that you have two choices. One, you and your husband could sit down with your MIL and respectfully explain to her that the things she’s doing towards you and your husband is creating a much deeper problem between all of you. You could then explain to her the different things you’ve decided as a couple to do in regards to setting boundaries with her, so that you and your husband can enjoy the peace you deserve without having to constantly put up with family nonsense. Your MIL doesn’t have to like the boundaries or agree with any of them. Like, how often you will or won’t be getting together with her. How often she may or may not call. How often you will or won’t “be dropping by to check on her” etc. You can’t let her control your lives, and she needs to know that, preferably from your husband’s mouth in a respectful, calm manner. How she takes the news and reacts to your joint decision is up to her, but you can also make clear to her that how she reacts to these boundaries and how/IF she goes and starts again to gossip and blame either of you etc for the relationship problems will not be tolerated and there will be further consequences to the relationship if she does so.
The other choice is to just ignore it and go on as is. Clearly that option doesn’t work well for any of you. Unfortunately, people gossip and why they do it to the detriment to the family relationships doesn’t seem to be taken seriously enough to stop the behavior. So, those who are continuously being gossiped about… end up taking the position of distancing themselves from the toxic behaviors of gossipers and spend almost NO time with them whatsoever. Good luck in what you decide Amanda.
I like the idea of setting the boundaries and you are probably right about her disliking them. My husband has previously asked her what expectations she has as a good son. She responded by saying he should call everyday and come by a few times a week. Of course, I don’t think these are reasonable expectations for any parent to put on a child with a job and a family unless of course that family member is in a near death situation. He doesn’t think they are reasonable either and the boundaries still have not been defined.
I am going to do my best to grow as a person and move along with my life. I don’t think I will ever have a close relationship with my mother in law, but I’m okay with that. Thanks so much for your advice! It is so nice to hear an unbiased opinion!
Amanda,
The expectations that your MIL has about calling every single day and stopping by to visit a few times a week is unrealistic and beyond ridiculous. Her kids are grown and have their own lives, jobs and families to take care of and support. If she’s feeling “empty nest” sort of feelings, then she needs to realize that and make some plans of her own of things she can do with the rest of her life without intruding on the lives of her children. Happy Thanksgiving in advance Amanda, and I hope you and your hubby make the holidays fabulous!
I live with my in-laws. And my mother-in-law never has anything good to say about me ever. She has told me outright that I am not her family and never will be. We can afford to move out right not believe me I am doing everything in my power to get out of this house. She doesn’t want me here. She only keeps me here because she won’t throw out her son or grandchildren. She goes to Church and so do I. ( @ different place) And she is always telling me I wouldn’t be the way I am if I were a Christian. But she does the sames things and it is justified. She justifies everything that her kids do and even non family memebers. But anything I do is unacceptable. She has accused me of lies, stealling, being lazy, neglecting my kids. You name it. And while I may be lazing every so often who isnt at one time or another. I stay home with my kids and do everything for them. She doesn’t want me go to work so she doesn’t have to watch them. And I am not always the liar shse thinks I am. And I have never, never stolen from her. She blames me or my 2 younger kids for everything. However she favors my 1st born. I think because he was her 1st Grandchild. But that even comes with a price ever time I punish or scold him I’m just being mean. But the other to I don’t discipline enough. I can’t win. I can clane the whole house. She will find the one thing out of place. But everyone else can leave stuff everywhere. I have no choice but to live here. What do I do. I don’t want to be the bad daughter-in-law but that’s what is coming to. I have tried not fighting with her but anymore I can’t handle it and we have the worst screaming matches ever. Please give me some advice. I am so going crazy………..
Hi Becky,
As I read your message, I can’t help but wonder…what does your husband say about all this? Your husband’s mother says these things to you, and what does your husband say or do about it? Anything? Nothing?
Becky, I certainly can’t tell you what to do about this because it is a personal decision you have to make for yourself. Between you and your husband, or just you. If it were me…, I would pack up my stuff and my child’s stuff and we’d go stay somewhere else – especially if the hubby is doing nothing about how you’re being treated. If there weren’t any family members or a friend to stay with, I would still go stay in a motel if necessary just to avoid the b.s. going on in the house. There MUST be someone you know (parents, family or friends) of yours that would take you and your child in until you could get an apartment of your own. There HAS to be someone. Heck, if the situation called for it, I’d even go stay in a women’s shelter if necessary. Anything is better than being treated like a doormat for people to wipe their feet on you.
You have to ask yourself: How much pushing and shoving around are you willing to put up with, even if the “pushing and shoving” is emotional and mental abuse rather than physical altercations.
I just want to make a comment in regards to this section of your article;
“Take good care of her son. Your mother-in-law raised your husband to become the man you fell in love with and married, and she should be thanked, praised and respected for that. Your mother-in-law wants and needs to know that the hard work she put forth loving, raising and caring for her beloved son will continue to be provided in your care. Of course your mother-in-law expects to see your home is well-kept, clean and orderly, just as she worked hard to do while raising him. Of course she expects your husband to have clean clothes and clean underwear to wear at all times. Of course she expects your husband to always be well fed with healthy, nourishing meals, just as she did for so many years. Of course she does! So will you when it’s your turn to play the role of mother-in-law when the time comes.â€
First of all, it is not the daughter in law’s responsibility to assume the role of her husband’s mother. I’m sorry this is a whole full of bull, you don’t get married so that your husband can expect you to become like your MIL if that’s the case then he can go and marry his own mother.
Yes I agree that your MIL should be respected and thanked for the hard work she has put in to raise his son but that is not to use as a guilt tactic to control the DIL and put pressure on the DIL every time her MIL comes to visit (we all have different ways of keeping our home). The MIL needs to learn to respect the house of her son and DIL even if it doesn’t meet her standards after all that is their home and the MIL should have raised her son well enough to choose a wife and have confidence in her son that he can grow up to be his own man and handle his own marital issues.
“Take good care of her son’ – stop talking about ‘the son’ as if his a little boy, he needs to grow up and part of that growing up is being able to look after yourself and this is why children has to separate from parents to allow them to grow up. I’m assuming this is why people get married in the first place because they love each other and part of that loving one another is taking care of each other anyway (unless the son and DIL do not love each other then it is up to them to work out a solution).
A mother’s job has always been to look after their son/daughter and that in itself has always been a thankless job – it’s a fact of life, now get over it. It’s up to the son to show his thankful and respect and not put that same expectation on the DIL! The MIL worked had to looked after her son but she did not work hard to look after her DIL so it only make sense that the son should be the one to have that responsibility. Even so the son did not have a choice of being born into this world and it’s sad to see that MIL use their role of ‘hard work’ as a mother as a guilt tactic to manipulate their son making it impossible for their son to set boundary or to properly stand up to his married life.
I think such expectation not only put a lot of pressure on both party involved but is also counterproductive and create more problem than it’s worth.
If keeping a happy marriage is all about meeting your MIL’s expectation (which is basically a bottomless pit) and pleasing her for her ‘hard work’ in regards to her son…then fuck me! No woman in their right mind should even consider getting married! Unless the DIL is willing to pay a hefty amount of money on their therapist bill then I suggest pack the whole family and move to another continent!
Do what it takes to save your marriage and peace of mind and never mind about your in laws – you have to live your life.
Hi Angel,
I can understand your feelings about that part of the article. That is why I made sure to address that issue with the MIL directly on the article I wrote for the MIL, which is linked to in the above article.
No MIL should ever comment or criticize a DIL for how she keeps house, cooks, cares for the children/grandchildren etc. The marriage between the son and DIL or vice versa (daughter and SIL) are a personal and private domain – where a mother in law and father in law have no right to step in. It’s one of those things about marriage that is a “mind your own business” area.
Hello-
My fiance and I have been together for about 6 years and are scheduled to be married in 5 months. My mil and I have gotten along just fine up until we started planning our wedding. She gives me suggestions and expects me to take them without ever asking my opinions. She has 4 boys and no girls and has always been the queen of her castle and thinks that her sons should still take her opinions as the bible. She has trouble letting go of her sons and thinks that any girl is not good enough for them. She likes to project the image that her family is very wealthy when so many people in her life tell me the opposite is true. I have always made a good effort with my in laws and went to see them frequently ever since I’ve met them. The problems started when I began planning my wedding. I let her be very involved and when I didn’t invite her to one appointment (because my sister in law is also planning a wedding and took our mil to a similar appointment- the mil spent 3 times more of my sister in laws money then she had wanted.) I wanted to prevent this from happening to my fiance and I so i didn’t invite her to come and when we told her I had take care of the flowers(for my own wedding) she freaked out and went on and on about how I have never planned a wedding and personally insulted my mother and me. Since then things have been very tense and it really gets under my skin. She is constantly trying to manipulate my fiance and me and get us to do things her way. If we decide to make a decision about our wedding, that we are paying for completely, she flips out and will say we don’t know what we are doing. She is very overbearing and if we don’t do what she wants she will try to insult us and make us feel inadequate. You should know that she has very few female friends and her brothers and their wives do not speak to her. My sister in law who has also planned her wedding has very minimal contact with her. My ideal situation concerning her would be to not speak to her after the wedding and not see her at holidays and hardly ever at all. When I have children, I want them to have very minimal, if any, contact with her. My fiance understands my feelings and does a good job of communicating them to her but she is so manipulative and vindictive and is always trying to take shots at me. I need to know if you think I should stick with this man and deal with this situation my entire life or find another man with a nicer family to spend my time with.
Emily, I certainly cannot tell you whether or not to “stick with this man” and find someone else. Let me play devil’s advocate for just a second. Your fiance’s mother, your soon to be MIL, is making suggestions about the wedding plans and preparations – in which you feel she is being overbearing. Is it at all possible, simply possible…, that she is doing nothing wrong at all and that your perceptions of her behavior is a tad hyper-sensitive? You sound angry and somewhat accusatory towards your MIL’s involvement in the wedding plans.
You say your fiance’ “understands” your feelings and tries his best to communicate them to his mother, yet she “takes shots” at you. What I can tell you is this:
Past behavior is an indicator of future behavior, and if you and your fiance’ cannot bring calm and respectful resolution to this problem before the wedding ever happens, this sort of thing can and often does ruin marriages before they ever get off the ground.
Dear Lin,
My husband and I are living with his parents right now until late May, I have had some disputes with my mil and decided to sit down and write her a letter, and I wrote it in the most respectful and constructive way that I could. I made sure to put a lot of positive things in there about how much I loved her and cared for her but I just felt the need to express myself. I have had emotional damage done to me by adults in my life, and my mil is so sweet and I know that she doesnt say or do things to hurt me, I just overreacted. I thought that we would talk about the letter and become closer but it really went the opposite direction, now she wont talk to me because she doesnt want to offend me. I know that I am extremely sensitive with what she says because I have had no real mother figures in my life and since she is so wonderful I just want her undying approval as a mother and I think that it just makes me over react when she says something slightly negative. I realized that I made a total mistake and I did apologize but now I definately feel a huge strain on our relationship. I don’t know what to do from here, I feel like I have some healing of my past that I need to do so I can learn how to not take everything to heart that she says. I don’t do this with anybody else but her, and it’s very frustrating. Any advice?
Hi Tamara,
You don’t do this with anyone else but your mil? I wish we could have “talked” before you wrote her the letter, even though you feel you wrote it in the most kind and respectful way possible.
Just like with cell phone text messages or emails, written letters are one-sided conversations. The recipient of the letter can’t see your eyes, facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, temperament etc to understand how the words are meant to be taken. It is almost inevitable that someone such as your mil would be hurt or take offense from a written letter because they’re just words on a page – no emotion or feeling can be felt.
You obviously feel a very strong need for her approval, likely because you didn’t have a mother role model. Plus, as wonderful as she may be, she’s not perfect and she has her own feelings, opinions and sensitivities to things said or done. Be careful not to put her on a pedestal that she can’t and shouldn’t have to live up to.
The things that have happened to you in your past have likely caused you to become hyper-sensitive, especially towards your mil, because she’s in a motherly position. But, she’s not your mother and she can’t fill that role for you. I would suggest that you begin counseling sessions right away to begin helping you deal with your past. How long will it take? As long as it takes.
She obviously cares deeply about you, and her unwillingness to talk right now may very well be her own way of protecting you. She’s of course protecting herself too, since you say there’s been some conflict. I don’t know that it’s necessary to talk with your mil about what the letter contained and the problems you felt needed to be aired out. At least not right now. Face to face is the best way of doing that. Your hyper-sensitivity is preventing you from having a happy, healthy relationship with your mil. That should be your focus.
I would suggest going to her and without saying a word, wrap your arms around her and give her a very loving hug. One that lasts more than two seconds or one that is simply a pat on the back sorta hug. A real, genuine hug. Then take her hand and tell her you’re going to begin taking steps to deal with your hyper-sensitivity by seeing a counselor, and that you love her dearly and want very much to build a great friendship with her and that you’re going to do your part to allow it to happen.
Remember, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law CAN become like mother/daughter, but is more often a friendship built and deepened over time. Find things that you and your mil agree on and enjoy equally, and focus on the positive things between you two rather than anything negative. You can build or rebuild a great relationship of love and trust, but it’s take two to tango. Be patient with her and hopefully she’ll be patient with you too.
My new daughter-in-law seems to have no interest in developing any kind of relationship with me or my husband. She lost her mother when she was a teenager and has told my son that she had a mother and doesn’t have any need for another one. I don’t want to be her mother-I just want to get to know her. My son loves her so I know she must be a very lovable person. She has many friend who love her and tell me what a wonderful and caring person she is, but we never get to see that side of her. To my knowledge, we have no common interests other than our son. She is not a “hobby” kind of person, doesn’t like books or music or movies and isn’t much intersted in cooking. She is a joiner and is super active in many groups through her job and church, but is not inclined to share her interest in these activities with us. When we try to have conversation with her we get very brief replies and then silence. She does not encourage us to visit and rarely joins us when we go to their city and invite them to a meal (always calling in advance to invite them). In fairness, she treats her own family the same way. She does not have a need for family – her circle of friends are her family. We have met her family and truly enjoy their company. They are all nice people. She and our son have been together for 2 years and we have yet to be invited to their home. She has only been in our home once in that time. She doesn’t approve of our son’s relationship with his family and says that once children are grown they do not maintain close relationships with family-they develop friends and limit contact with family to brief visits at holidays if necessary. Our son calls us often, but usually when he is away from the house. He comes to see us, but on his own. It’s so sad. All we want is to get to know and love the woman our son loves and to include her in our family. Don’t know what to do. Now they are expecting our first grandchild and we fear that we will be excluded from him as well.
Sue, it’s so sad when I hear stories like this. Based on what you’ve said here, it sure seems as though this girl has lots of issues to be worked out with counseling. The fact that she doesn’t approve of your son having a relationship with his own family is alarming to say the least. She may not want to have family connections but she has no right to expect your son to do as she does and eliminate family from his life. She is wrong when she says grown children don’t maintain close relations with their family. It sounds as though she’s trying hard to inflict her way of thinking onto her husband (your son) and put him in a position of having to choose between his wife and his family. I’m sorry but that’s emotional and mental abuse aka husband abuse in the emotional/mental ways. For your son to feel like he has to wait until he’s away from his place to call his parents is alarming.
Sue, if it were me in this situation, I would have a serious conversation with my son about it and clearly express my concerns. You clearly just want to have a healthy relationship with his wife as your DIL, but she’s doing everything within her power to not allow that and also to create a lot of distance between you and your own son. I would also sit my son down ask him how he feels about the matter with questions that require more than a Yes or No answer. I would ask him questions that would provide insight into whether he is being controlled, manipulated and/or mentally and emotionally “abused” by his wife – perhaps where he may not recognize the signs himself. Based on what his answers are and an open conversation where he feels safe and secure to express himself confidentially, I would come up with ideas and possible solutions that help him carefully analyze his own situation so he can decide for himself how he can rectify the problems that are healthy for him. If your son is more on the quiet, “passive” side personality-wise, look for cues and clues from his demeanor and behavior that show “red flags” that something is wrong and he’s “crying for help” so to speak but not sure how to do it. Be prepared to share with him information (printed articles and/or books to be read privately on his own time) about the “signs of mental, emotional abuse” for husbands whose wives are that way towards their own husbands.
I am living in a personal nightmare right now and only wish my
Daughter in Laws would read some of this article. However, I
have decided to offer back Love. That is my new motto…
LOVE.(Period) I hope someday they wish to allow me a place in
their hearts but I can only do my part to foster a good relationship.
I made an early mistake of not accepting my first son’s wife with
full and open arms and it has been pay back ever since. The traditional Father-Daughter dance at the wedding was not followed by a Mother-Son dance. I remember feeling like I had been punched in the gut when the MC started a group party dance while I was standing there expecting they announced the Mother and Son dance. I do feel my DIL has negatively influenced my relationship with Son # 2′s wife
and maybe even made false accusations but…I will continue to try
to love them anyway and understand they are young and hopefully will
someday realize that I can and should be a valuable part of their lives. LOVE .
Juliette,
It’s so sad when I hear stories like yours. The gossip, back-biting and bickering that go on sometimes is heartbreaking for those involved. I can’t even imagine how all the drama, problems, accusations etc must make your son feel.
I can also understand how it must have hurt your feelings to be excluded in the traditional mother and son dance at the reception. Especially since they had the traditional father-daughter dance. Personally…, to me…., I wouldn’t necessarily have the immediate feeling that as the groom’s mother…, that I had somehow been ignored during the reception festivities. But that’s just me.
Nowadays, with traditional weddings/receptions being changed to a more “modern wedding” situation for many couples, I’d just be happy that my son or daughter married someone they truly love and are very happy together. The fluff and circumstance doesn’t have nearly as much meaning to me personally as it might to others, but I really understand how it must have felt.
Just keep on being you, the loving mother of your son, and hopefully in time things between you, your son and daughter-in-law will be better than you could have anticipated. Good luck Juliette.
We have one grandson, he just turned one. We watch him at least once during the week; I pick him up at daycare and keep him into the evening, he is such a joy.
The problem: what they (my son and daughter in law) feed him.
Two months ago when he was 10 months old we went out to dinner and she ordered him chicken strips and french fries, no milk, and only fed him water through a straw. I couldn’t sleep that night. I did talk to my son about how unhealthy this is, too much fat and salt and how he needed healthy foods for all aspects of development. Well, it happened again last night, chicken strips and french fries let alone the pieces where cut quit large and he did choke on one occasion. I started to cut the pieces smaller and my DIA continued to put these “large” chicken pieces in front of him and I continued to cut them smaller. Again, no fruits, vegetables, milk, although this time they did bring a cup for water, no toys, NO NOTHING. I brought a book and a toy in my purse to keep him occupied. My DIA makes no attempt to cook herself, she makes comments on how she “doesn’t cook,” my son does the cooking but works a lot of hours and isn’t home during the dinner hour many nights during the week. I just worry that he isn’t getting the proper nutrition. By the way, his first year of life he was sick frequently.
Janet,
Dealing with issues such as this can get rather sticky if not very careful. I can see you’re not trying to be a mean mother-in-law and certainly not doing things to create problems where there are none. Talking with your son directly is fine and understandable, but be careful you don’t say or imply anything about your DIL that can easily be misunderstood or misconstrued as her being a bad mother etc. What you’ve been doing is great, cutting his meat small, bringing him toys to play with etc. When he’s with you and in your care, you can do a lot to help introduce him to healthy foods and vegetables etc, so he develops a taste for healthier foods. There is only so much you can do without your DIL or son feeling imposed upon, so be very careful not to “cross the line” about how your grandson is fed or cared for. Keep doing what you’ve been doing.
Lin-
I read your post. And I have some issues with it. Being a DIL to an evil MIL. Now, Im sure you heard that first line. However, my MIL has been calling me “disrespectful” and a “whore” since day one because of the fact that I have body art. Apparently those alone make someone a disrespectful whore. Go figure. Shes also threatened me with CPS and tried to convince my husband not to marry me and is constantly telling me how to raise my autistic son. She has no experience with Autism but tells m that my son is “slow” because I dont follow her advice then proceeds to accuse of of having munchausen byproxy (making up or inflicting harm upon yourself or loved ones for attention).
Now…How, exactly, is one now to take those kind of things personally? and she makes sure to say those things when my husband is out of earshot
Mommy Me,
There is a big difference between a DIL taking things too personally all the time (where there is no bad intent) vs a MIL who speaks to you as yours does and calls her DIL horrible names. Taking things too personally, like a mother in law making an innocent baby name suggestion or two, and the DIL getting all upset about it is juvenile. It’s like the MIL can’t say or do or suggest anything – she’s “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” in many respects. Being hyper-sensitive, waaay over the top sensitive to anything the MIL says or does suggests the DIL has issues of her own, rather than it being the MIL being evil or hateful or what have you.
Name calling by a MIL, whether it’s in earshot of the hubby or not, is wrong. Plain and simple, it’s wrong, and the MIL needs to be called on it. What your MIL says and does towards you and your husband and how your autistic son is cared for, is wrong. It would be best for your husband to speak to his mother privately about the problems you’ve described and how she treats you. If what she says to you is always out of his earshot, consider having a voice activated tape recorder handy to later play back to your husband, so it’s not your word against his mother’s word. Proof, undeniable proof. While your husband talks to his mother about the problems, he can and should let her know that her treatment of you as described will not be tolerated and is unacceptable. Perhaps she will also then make negative comments about you directly to her son and he can then deal with that head on with her, as having seen first hand how she’s been towards you. He needs to handle the situation(s) with his mother personally and privately, and if necessary (such as, she denies saying or doing such and such), then you have an opportunity to calmly and respectfully tell your side of the story, where she then has to respond to the accusations and your husband can see and hear for himself and deal with it appropriately.
I think of myself as a if you need me i am here for you type of mother in law Who would put the needs of myself aside to help my children .My problem is my daughter in law is from another country and i had the pleasure of meeting her family when the first grand baby was born and i found out then it is nor good to have 2 mother in laws together at the same time for some reason Example I as she does not speak my english and no no spanish making it hard to talk to each other leaving my DIL to translate but what happen was my DIL had asked me mum can you hold the baby till i go to the wash room i was delighted so i no sooner was holding her when her mother came up said something to me and took the baby from me making me feel oh so uncomfortable so i left the room.Then at the home there were things said like i will leave the room so you and your mum can have time and reply was if you dont mind ?? making me think she did not want me around where our relationship was very good before that I was just there to help .Anyways to make a long short I had the pleasure of another grand baby Her mother came to visit from her country again And my son asked if i could stay to help which i was happy to do So i looked after the oldest so mom and baby and her mother could have time but This time i found it odd i had to ask to hold my new grand daughter as her mother was not too thrilled to share And only did i get to hold her if her mother was not around No english was spoken this time around me and if i asked for translation my DIL was not too happy to do .They would close the door to the new baby room and have their talks and leave me out of everything as i learned from the first time not go near her when feeding I thought i would try and be helpful and i went to the bedroom door only to be talked to like a servant Yes what is it she said whow talk about making me feel off I just said to her i just wanted to ask if anyone needed anything .I dont know if i am making something out of nothing but even my husband noticed things were off .And even with me sitting there and my DIL knowing i was there to help that was all she would call to her mum and ask her to help with the oldest .One remark that made me go ok was DIL saying i am so glad my mother is here to help me so what am i here for ?I thought So needless to say the day i was leaving her mother held onto a new grand daughter i did not bond with tilted her down to me and hubby as if to say kiss her now then leave because that is all your getting. Could not even hold her So i cried all the way home How do i fix this As i dont feel the way i was treated was very nice and i know once her mother is gone she will be calling I dont like to be used but i dont want to cause any problems Do i just blow it all off or wait and hope she does not keep me from my grand children .
Donna, I can understand how this situation with your DIL and her mother made you feel unwanted and hurt. You clearly stated that you were asked by your son to come and help, so it’s not like you just invited yourself out of excitement of seeing and holding the new grandbaby. You DIL’s mother should never have come and taken the baby from you, when clearly your DIL asked YOU to hold the baby while she went to the washroom. Her mother’s behavior was rude and verrry inconsiderate.
It seems to me your DIL’s mother was monopolizing all or most of the baby holding, rather than understanding the both sets of grandparents are just as excited and anxious to bond with the new baby and hold him/her as the other set of grandparents are.
I can’t tell by the wording of your comment Who exactly said “yes what is it” when you approached the bedroom door to see if anyone needed anything, but the response you got was rather unkind. Those sorts of comments would make any mother/grandmother feel like they’re intruding and not really wanted around. At least not during the time the other grandmother is there.
I agree with you that it’s probably best to keep the visits separate from when your DIL’s mother is in town. Two times in a row, with each grandchild, your DIL’s mother has been preferential treatment during her stay – while you have been pushed sort of into the corner, waiting for the opportunity to hold your own grandchild.
I do not believe you are making it out to be more than it was. You were clearly sidelined during the visit, and plainly put, you were treated rather rudely. You were an invited guest, invited by your son, but you were treated poorly while there.
Donna, you have every right to express how you feel about how you were treated. Personally, I feel you owe it to yourself to have a calm, respectful, heartfelt discussion with your son and daughter-in-law, in person (not over the phone, and certainly not by email). Once the dil’s mother has left the country, I would recommend that you and your husband make arrangements to stop by for a visit, or perhaps over a weekend visit. The conversation that needs to be had is not about making the DIL feel as though she’s being accused or attacked in any way, so choose your words and tone carefully.
Express to both your son and daughter-in-law that during your last visit, where you were INVITED to come by your son, that you felt unwanted and uncomfortable. Express everything you just told me, as how you were feeling and the different situations that occurred that caused you feel rudely treated and unwanted. You may also want to express that, out of consideration to your DIL’s mother and her visits and desire to spend time alone with her daughter, that your visits should be kept separate from hers. YOU take the “higher road” in that respect, and be sure to express your feelings about barely being able to hold the baby at all while you were there, and that the sadness and disappointment upset you to the degree where you cried on your trip home.
Assertively but respectfully express your feelings to both of them together. Perhaps…., you may find that your DIL was unaware that your son (her husband) had invited you to visit at the same time her mother was coming. Perhaps…maybe…the DIL wanted her mother to visit first (understandable) and then for you to come after that, and maybe she and your son hadn’t communicated to each other well enough prior to your son inviting you to come. During the discussion, or after you’ve expressed your feelings, allow them both opportunity to reply. Hopefully they will apologize, and then you can enjoy some wonderful bonding time holding your grandchild and visiting with your son and DIL with everything resolved. Good luck and enjoy that little baby.
Lin, My oldest son has been married for 4 years. He and my DIL are expecting their 1st child and our 1st grandchild. We recently have had a huge conflict that I feel may jeopardize my relationship with my grandson to the point that I wonder if I will ever get to see him.
Before explaining the conflict, I feel I need to give you a little history. My son and DIL were high school sweethearts. She came from a Mormon family which admittedly I knew very little about. I was very strict with my son at the time that he must respect their religion and practices even though the DIL was “Non Practicing”. Time passed and both graduated high school. My son was a year older and had started college here in town. Once DIL graduated, they made the announcement that they were engaged and moving in together, I had no problem with this. HER parents did. They threatened to disown her entirely and seize the car that she drove. A wedding was hastily planned to avoid this. I called her mother to encourage postponement of said wedding. The kids wished to live together and a wedding was emminent. Let them enjoy the preparation it takes now a days to pull a wedding off. DIL parents would have NONE of it. In the process of throwing a wedding together, only my immediate family was invited. None of the distant family was included. Addresses were provided. My son understood that most would not attend but would surely send gifts or money. It was to their advantage to send invites to all. I was not told until too late, that relatives never received invitations. This really hurt me and my mother. Relatives realizing this were insulted as well.
Fast forward to the current issue. DIL asked me for names and addresses of those i would like invited to baby shower. She did not give me a deadline or give me a sense of urgency. It was over 6 weeks away. I work full time. I was trying to get my younger son off to out of state college and my husband is experiencing serious health problems. Surely you can see that my world does Not revolve around my DIL. Dont get me wrong, I felt I had a good relationship with her up until now…
ABout 1 1/2 weeks went by and I finally was able to email names and addresses to DIL. I sent 2 lists. List 1 had about 10 people on it. List 2 had about 20 more names and addresses with a note stating that I was sure they would not attend but would send gifts.
The response was that the invites had already been addressed and that DIL was uncomfortable asking host to send 20+ more out. All of this communication was done by texting and email,,,go figure! My reply was such that it reflected my disappoinment that my son’s family would not get toparticipate in this happy event. I made reference to the similar situation with their wedding and that I was deeply hurt, yet again. The reply was venomous! She has obviously harbored hateful feelings toward me all along. She interpreted all of my intentions as self serving and selfish and that the shower was not about me but about HER and HER family and friends.(This is in a nut shell) She had much more untrue things to say about me and then the closing…. DIL will never discuss any of this with me. We can put this behind us and move on!!!!
My reply was “Wow! Really?” It’s been 4 weeks and she will not discuss this matter or even speak to me. The shower is this Saturday and I cannot bring myself to attend.I have forwarded a copy of her words to the host so that the host understands my position. I have also shared her words with close family. It is so out of character for her that no one would believe me in retelling the story.I was looking for advise from family.
I am so appalled by this situation that it is affecting my sleep, work and as I write this to you, I cant seem to stop the tears.
Now my son has stopped returning my calls and texts. Im devastasted and dont know what to do.
Wow Janie, what a mess. If this does not exemplify a “failure to communicate” and communicate effectively, I don’t know what does. Your son and DIL were essentially pushed into marriage because of religious beliefs, otherwise your DIL would be disowned by her family if she/they lived together “outside of wedlock”. Rush wedding ends up excluding sending invitations to all those who should have been invited, even if they were not going to be able to attend. First mistake, and a doozy at that.
Four years later, they’re having a baby and a baby shower is being planned. Forgive me if I’m wrong (I know I’m not) but, baby showers are NOT just about HER, HER family and HER friends. That’s pretty darn selfish on her part to even think that way, let alone to voice it. The baby is not just HERS, but your son’s as well, which means the baby shower is about HER, Her family and friends, as well as your son as the baby’s father, HIS family and HIS friends too.
The invitations to the baby shower is a very sad and disappointing failure to communicate effectively. She obviously knows that you work full time, have problems going on with your husband’s health and other issues that any caring, considerate and compassionate person would understand that you certainly should not be expected to drop everything you are doing in order to rush names and addresses off to her.
Why didn’t she: 1) Give you plenty of notice regarding gathering names/addresses for her? 2) Why didn’t she call you a day or two prior to when the invitations were scheduled to be written and mailed out and respectfully, politely ask about the names/addresses? 3) I’m sorry, but asking the baby shower host to send out 20 or 30 or whatever…more invitations to a baby shower to family members is not out of the question, but is quite a reasonable request.
Gathering names/addresses of those invited to a baby shower is one of the FIRST things shower hosts put at the top of their to-do list. I know because I’ve thrown baby showers before and I always get the names/address of invitees first thing, before doing anything else. Was this shower thrown together last minute too? It sure sounds like it. Two important family events, where your son’s side of the family is passed over and ignored, is just plain wrong – even if some/most/all of them would not be able to attend the shower.
Mentioning to your DIL about family not invited to the wedding four years prior was obviously an emotional hot button, and when you mentioned it and people’s feelings were hurt etc, she lost it. I wouldn’t have done that, because the 4 years of good between you two prior to this happening, was (in her mind) pulled out from under her by bringing up the past.
The fact that, as you’ve said, you two have enjoyed a nice relationship since the wedding up until now, she probably feels that you are one harboring resentments towards HER and was sort of waiting for the moment when you could unleash on her.
Of course, life does not revolve around your DIL, or your son. If it were me Janie, I would do my darndest to attend that baby shower. You two will have ample opportunity to speak to each other and apologize for things said that hurt, perhaps after the baby comes, but don’t bring up stuff from the past (the wedding). Focus on the future, building a great relationship with your DIL with much improved communication on both sides, and focusing love and attention on that dear sweet baby that is coming soon. At some point, and sooner the better, both have to learn to let the past go and not bring up previous hurts, or things will never get better. Apologies on both sides are in order. Hang in there, it’ll get better. Congratulations on the grand baby!
Help!!! I am not married but have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and we have lived together since January of this year. Up until about 6 months ago my mil and sil were great. We all seemed to be really close. Then his 25 yoa daughter moved in with an 8month baby. This is when the problems started. I was keeping the baby gladly. I loved this baby so much as I was unable to have children of my own. The daughter then started leaving for 24 t0 72 hrs at a time (not even telling us where she was) leaving me with the baby to care for. I still said nothing. I also had his two boys 16 and 17 here to care for. The daughter refused to help at all and even when she was here still expected me to care for the baby and get up with him. I done her laundry, cleaned up after her (She wouldn’t even carry her dishes to the sink!!)I have Lupus and several slipped and ruptured disk in my backand despite my pain and fatigue I kept this up for nearly 8 months when I one afternoon I simply said that she was going to have to start helping out around the house because physically I was doing to much. This started war… She began screaming at me and calling me all sort of names then hit me and I had to throw her off of me. (Which she says was assault despite the fact that I simply pushed her off me and she had not a scratch and I was covered in bruises and cuts) She called the MIL to come and rescue her. That day my bf told us at first we both needed to leave until he found out what had happened then ask me to stay because he felt my actions were justified. Now the MIL refuses to speak with me and says the reson is because he asked me to leave and I didn’t and that he doesn’t want me here despite that he has told her many many times this is not the case and that he loves me. Her other “reason” is because she says that the bf and I began a relationship too soon after his former wife died. This however only became an issue after the problems with the daughter.Now the sil who is joined at the hip with the mil won’t talk to me either. I have been good to this family and have called several times attempting to resolve these issues with no success. I have encouraged my bf to go see his daughter, Mother, and grandchild often (Even though I have been told I am not welcome)he however feels as if they are putting him in the middle so seldom goes. He still however will not stand up to them about me and it makes me feel unimportant. They continue to tell him I am tearing the family apart but as I see it they are the ones causing turmoil not me. I want to settle all this and have a peaceful atmosphere but what else can I do?
Hi Leslie,
Wow, what a sad mess you’re going through. This sort of scenario is what I hear about quite often (my email) and the situations you’re describing are very similar to theirs. Boyfriend/husband not standing up to others like parents, not defending their wife/girlfriend etc and allowing these problems to build to a breaking point.
Let me make this very clear: The fact that your boyfriend refuses to step in and deal head on with his family about these problems should be a clear sign to you that if you at some point choose to marry this man, you’ll be on your own when it comes to family disputes with his sister and mother. Can you handle that drama? If your boyfriend already makes you feel unimportant during these problems, can you really trust that you’ll feel any more important if you marry him at some point?
He is the one who should be dealing with his sister and mother directly. The more you try to handle situations and problems, the more ammunition the family is given to use against you because you’ll be perceived as the “bad guy” all the time. All the time.
Another aspect of the problems you’re dealing with is that his sister lives with both of you, her irresponsibility in many areas of life, and the affect it has on you and your life with your boyfriend. Based on what you’ve said here, it crosses my mind that your boyfriend may have all the best intentions by allowing his sister to live there, but you two need to consider if there is the remotest possibility that the fundamental problem comes from what is commonly referred to as Enabling. I’m not going to put words in your mouth, but I’d like you to read an article I wrote here on my site about parents who enable their grown children, and see if by chance your boyfriend is doing this with his sister. Here is my Enabling article. Let me know what you think.
Dear Lin,
My husband and I just had our first son. My relationship with his Mother was good up until our son was born. Brief history, My Husband and I dated for almost 3 years, were engaged for 5 and have been married for 1 year. His parents live out of state and wanted to visit for the birth. They have only 2 sons.
It was my perception that they wanted the red carpet rolled out for them during their visit because they don’t live nearby. It was a decision my husband and I made to not have anyone visit the first week we were home from the hospital to bond and rest. A week before the baby was born, PIL visited unannounced to help mow the lawn. I wasn’t too happy with their surprise but appreciated their help and we communicated to them that they cannot come over unannounced like that again.
The first day we were home from the hospital, they showed up unannounced and wanted to see the baby. Their arrival woke me and the baby up. Husband explained to mother she was supposed to call and he didn’t appreciate her just showing up like that. She cried for the next two hours and moped the rest of the visit. Of course she could not see their visit as a privilege hence we told everyone else they couldn’t come over. So I think she was using the element of surprise to get what she wanted. They showed up again the next two days. I was doing skin on skin time with my baby and they walk in the door asking where the baby is, and husband told them, and then they ask, “he’s up, why can’t we hold him right now?” The fourth day we were home, she called, but we said no, it was 9:30 pm, the last day my husband had off from work, the first and only full day we had together alone as a new family. She called him the next morning, balling and saying stuff like “when will I ever get to see my grandson? when I am in my coffin?” and this type of thing continues.
They visited more often than anyone during their MONTH stay in town. They attacked my behavior ( when I told them they need to respect my wishes during this “newborn time,” they told me I was being selfish), frantically demanded to “share him with me, share him with me,” grabbed my son out of my husbands hand and left the room I was in with my son only to return once I left the room. She told me I wasn’t good enough for her son and that the only reason I must not like her was because I didn’t like myself… all the while I am a new mom, trying to breastfeed and get accustomed to our new life. Never did I tell her she wasn’t allowed to see him, hold him, play with him, but in the first two weeks of his life there is little time for those things, he is always sleeping, or needing to eat. So when I say I need to take him to feed him, she thinks I am keeping her from seeing him… I want my son to have a good relationship with his grandparents which will be tough enough that they live across the country. Both of their sons live in the same state as each other, the parents moved away about 3 years ago. How am I supposed to deal with this? I feel like I compromised and put up with way more than I should have for the first month of being a new mommy. I was tying to be open and honest with her, but it wasn’t ever good enough. I feel like if she continues to expect things that aren’t reasonable ( seeing the grandson 24/7 during their visit, and on their terms) I am always going to be set up to fail and things will never get better. I suggested to them to move back with their sons, they said no because they didn’t have a good experience during their recent visit. It seems to me that if she wants to have a relationship with her grandson, the answer should have been yes.
Everything I read said that in laws and grandparents would be a great help to have around. When we said we needed help with taking care of meals and the house, she offered to take the baby off our hand so I could do those things… I told her that was not the help that I needed. I was recovering from a c-section…
3 months later she is still asking her son to ask me to apologize to her for not letting her see her grandson. In no way did I keep her from seeing him. All that I asked was to give us our space for the first week and not to visit unless my husband was home ( I was not comfortable after the baby grabbing thing to be alone with her after that). She was being over bearing and expecting way too much. Nobody else visited us that first week but them, and a simple request to call turned into a drama scene. Am I wrong for thinking they should have put our needs first as a new family and simply respected our wishes? I felt that because I didn’t put their needs first over mine and my baby’s, I am to blame. Please help, I know I could go on forever, there’s unfortunately more to this!
There were small triggers from before our son was born that showed me this kind of behavior, but in small doses, I could deal. But this latest experience.. I have never felt so hurt, attacked and disrespected in my whole life. And she wants me to apologize.
Husband told them that they shouldn’t have set such high expectations for their trip without discussing any of it with us. They basically ignored what our expectations were in order to meet theirs. I feel like they feel we disappointed them, when really they disappointed us.
SRM, I apologize for the delay in approving your comment/questions and the delay in my response to you. I’ve been sick for a couple of weeks and finally feel up to responding to comments on articles. Sorry about that.
The inlaws are and were clearly out of line, waaay over the top in their expectations, attitudes and behaviors towards you and your husband during this very important time of your lives with your new baby. You had a C-section and that obviously requires quite a bit of recuperation time plus the time you and your husband and baby need alone with each other to bond and relax.
It is incredibly sad to me personally that your MIL was so selfish about HER wants that she completely dismissed and ignored the needs of you, your husband and child. I find it extremely disappointing that your MIL knew and understood that you needed rest and recuperation time from having the C-section, and how receiving help around the house and with meals would be a kind and loving gift to your new family. She only cared about what she wanted, and from all appearances based on what you’ve said here, she/they were bound and determined to get their way and steamrolled over you and your husband.
It appears to me that your PIL planned ahead of time to be in town plenty early to get their wants met, considering they showed up unannounced and uninvited a week prior to the birth “to help mow the yard”. Riiiiiiight. Maybe that’s the story they gave, and maybe they actually did mow the yard, but it appears to me they used that as a way of letting you both know that they’re in town and intend on seeing the new baby the second he was born regardless of anything said about waiting a week or two to visit.
To be perfectly honest, if this had happened to me, there is no way the parents would have made it through the front door the first time. And most definitely NOT the second or subsequent times. You and your husband clearly stipulated to everyone that no one visits for the first week. Anyone (and I mean anyone) who chooses to ignore those stipulations should not be surprised to find the front door locked/deadbolted, the doorbell is not being answered and the door is not being opened even a crack and phone calls are not being answered (the phone would be put on silent) etc.
Your inlaws were out of line, and your husband should have stood his ground and dealt with each and every incident as it happened, thus ensuring you and the baby had your needs/wishes met as you had previously decided together.
You do NOT owe anyone an apology. You didn’t do anything wrong. They did, and both of them owe you and your husband a huge apology for their selfishness and disrespectful attitude. Even though we’re mostly discussing the MIL specifically, the FIL is just as guilty as she is because he went along with it, so FIL does not get a pass in this situation. He is culpable.
I’m getting a sense that the MIL “wears the pants” in the house, and she will get what she wants no matter who she has to steamroll in the process. Both of them are equally guilty, in my opinion. Your husband needs to stand firm by your side, not be manipulated by his mother/father and deal with them himself head on. Your husband needs to speak to his parents and a respectful but FIRM manner and deal with each thing that happened and the fact they showed up uninvited and unannounced even though they knew the stipulations. Let MIL cry all she wants, let her ball her brains out. She’ll get over it. And don’t think for a second that MIL isn’t using the waterworks as a manipulative tool to get her way, to appear soooo wounded and hurt, when clearly she is the one doing wrong.
Your husband should think long and hard about what has already happened, and come to the terms with the fact that current behavior is a precursor of future behavior. In other words, she’s pulled this stuff already (and I just BET she’s been doing this sort of thing for a long time), and she’s going to continue pulling this garbage on people until. Until she is stopped dead cold in her tracks at each and every attempt, and made to turn around and go back to wherever she came from, only to return when invited and on you and your husband’s terms.
If you try to handle the situation yourself, it will be a lose lose rather than a win win. It’s his parents and his responsibility to deal with this stuff head on with his own parents, just like it would be your responsibility with your parents/family members. Is your husband an assertive man, unafraid and unaffected by MIL’s manipulation tactics? Being respectful towards parents is certainly important, but he can be respectful yet firm and resolved and clearly state his position so no doubt is left in anyone’s mind how he feels. Your husband needs to get real tough (but still respectful) and deal with this head on, and make clear to his parents the specific boundary rules you two agree on, and IF/WHEN his parents ignore any/all of those boundaries and/or show up uninvited and unannounced, no one will answer the door and let them in and they’ve wasted a trip etc.
Prepare yourselves (both of you) for more of the same type stuff from the PIL, and prepare yourselves how it will be handled and what will be said and done. It appears to me that you’re going to need it. Until it’s stopped. Good luck.
Lin,
I just wanted to thank you for your advice. It has been a little over a year ago since you gave me the advice to Disengage, Disassociate and Disconnect. It has been a true lifesaver for me. My inlaws still try to start family drama and still exclude us and make sure we find out, etc., but I have followed your advice, and guess what? No chest or stomach pain. I don’t let them bother me anymore. I just wanted to say thank you, because dealing with (or not dealing with) family is just painful sometimes and it’s hard to get to that place without someone on the outside to give you some insights. It wasn’t me being crazy after all. (smiles) Bless you for what you are doing to help people get through the messes.
I have four sons. Three of them have wonderful lovely wives but one of them is just awful. She wont allow anyone to: look after the children so my son and her can go for dinner, movies etc. wont let them stay with us, wont leave them on their own in the backyard unsupervised in case they wander away, get picked up etc. wont let them go swimming in case they get, cold, or get a germ, or drown, even if we are actually holding on to them, and so it goes on and on and on. She accepts any help as an intrusion, blames our son for all the problems, arguments; as a MIL I know my boundary, dont have any problems with other DIL. In fact, they are all very supportive and very aware of what is going on. Its a dreadful situation and my son has walked away from this toxic person, gone into another room, takes the children for a drive to a park but comes home to abuse etc. She wont let them go to their cousins who all live within half hour of each other. There 9 of them all at various ages and could be such a wonderful relationship with all of them. She wont seek medical help and is in fact so clever at convincing people that all the problems are his fault. He has tried everything and done all he can to make things work but he has now turned and is not tolerating any more of her controlling scheming ways. It seems to be working a bit as some of her power over some issues seems to be evapourated temporarily. It is all very sad.
How do you deal with a daughter-in-law who is so possessive of her husband/my son that she has done everything in her power to turn him against his family? She has lied, manipulated and continues to do so at every opportunity, so much so that he has indeed turned against his family. He will not listen to any of his family members that she is lying to him and in fact, his whole personality has changed. He now thinks like her, acts like her, his mannerisms are hers, we’ve basically lost our son. She is rude to us whenever we are around her (won’t say hello, will not engage in any conversation or activity) and she’s done this to us for the whole 3 years they have been married. We’ve tried talking to our son about it, he doesn’t care. Guess that says a lot about our son. But at one point, prior to when they were married, we were a close family. Now this daughter-in-law has totally torn our family apart.
I have a situation with my DIL that I don’t know how to handle. This may have been coming for some time but I have terrific hindsight. She originally seemed like a lovely dil but this must have been festering awhile. We have been very involved in our kids’ lives more because of my husband’s efforts than mine. I have tried to keep my mouth shut about most things, and give them their space by not dropping in unannounced. Recently, we took them to Hawaii along with the rest of our family. There was some minor tension when she was out of sorts but it seemed to pass. I did ask my son if she was okay but he said she was tired. I didn’t push it. I found out later that she miscarried the evening after we returned. We didn’t even know she was pregnant and she was involved in all the activities. The night we returned, I was preparing dinner when my husband said something to our teenaged daughter about her attitude and I agreed with him. My son took it upon himself (this happens frequently with both son and dil) to comment on my husband’s admonition. My husband essentially told him to mind his own business as did I. My dil then jumped to my son’s defense and began berating us, well, mainly me. There was an argument which ended with her enraged and screaming totally out of control. My son had to drag her away, she was trying to jump out of his arms. I thought she might physically attack me. She mumbled under her breath that I was a horrible person. When I confronted her with this she admitted it but both my husband and son were originally sure she didn’t say it. She has since apologized for that part with the caveat that she “hasn’t been herself”. There were many other awful things said that evening which have been brushed aside. This all happened in front of my husband’s elderly mother who let me know how bad she felt about it and expressed her sympathy. The next event was my grandson’s birthday party. I was not planning to attend since I didn’t want another episode like the night of the blowup. I knew there would be tension and told my son this. They were planning the party at a club in which my husband and I are members. This meant we paid for anything which wasn’t brought to the party. (We frequently have parties for them, take them to dinner, etc. They never offer to pay and seem to resent being asked to contribute.) She sent me an invitation email and I decided to attend. When I arrived, I said hello to the general group. She turned away and ignored me. We didn’t have any other interaction until dinner came. My husband suggested I sit by her (he says he didn’t realize that’s what he was doing.) I declined. When it came time for cake and presents, she pointedly passed me over. She did ask a question about her son’s present but when I answered she cut me off. Because I was so sorry for my behavior when asked to sit by her and because I had heard that I had said things which hurt her I decided to apologize. I did and still do think she owes me an apology but am willing to move on without one. The following day I wrote an email (because I didn’t think we should talk personally) in which I apologized for anything I had done or said which had hurt her or undermined her authority with her children. I also requested we move forward with a new relationship. In return, I received a scathing email in which she threw my words back in my face and essentially called me a liar. She let me know she had talked to other family members and they had been uncomfortable. I reiterated my request for peace and told her I wouldn’t respond to her accusations. A few days later, I received another email stating that she was sorry I was offended by her email and also sorry I didn’t tell her I was offended. She stated that it would be “prudent” for me to talk to her personally because she didn’t want to hear it through the grapevine. I was somewhat miffed at her condescending tone and veiled accusations and I guess it came through. I told her I accepted her apology for the offensive email, though she admitted she didn’t know what was wrong with it. I told her I didn’t think it would be “prudent” to talk since that hadn’t worked and we should stick to small talk. I then said I’d like to put the ugly episode behind us. Again, I received a nasty email accusing me of using my husband and son to send her messages. The only time I have talked to my son about this was the day after she attacked me when he came by the house. This was a private conversation between me and him as were any conversations I had with my husband. She was also mad because she said she had invited me to another little party for one of the kids which I didn’t attend. First of all, she didn’t invite me, my son did. I include this because one of the things she screamed at me was that she had never asked me to watch the kids, only my son had. I guess putting a baby in my arms and asking me to watch him doesn’t count. She basically said that if something didn’t come directly from her she wasn’t involved. I had told my son I wasn’t attending. Because of what I was accused of after the birthday party, I didn’t want a repeat of it or a public spectacle and didn’t think it would be in anyone’s best interest, particularly my grandkids. I also didn’t want to watch them parade the baby around while everyone got to hold him but me. She made a veiled threat that if I didn’t tow the line I wouldn’t see my grandkids or son. This isn’t the first time she has threatened me with loss of my grandchildren. She said that I should want a relationship with them enough to put this behind me and that she has no responsibility for any of this, I am the only problem. I chose not to respond to the last email. The next day, my husband had plans with my son and grandson and she was busy with other things. Because I wanted to see them, I changed my original plans and tagged along. Again, it was to the club at which we are members. After we returned home, my husband received a call from my son. He said, “You should have invited DIL too since mom was invited.” What? My husband’s response was, “Okay.” and he hung up. His theory is that it’s like dealing with a 3 year old who is having a temper tantrum. You don’t respond and allow them to come to the place where they see how wrong they are. I can see, however, that she is determined to cut me out of their lives unless I am properly “respectful”. It’s almost funny that a woman who is so disrespectful and arrogant demands respect. In fact, most of the things she has accused me of she is guilty of herself. I don’t want to lose my son and grandchildren but don’t know how to respond to her. It is so uncomfortable to be around her because I don’t know when she’ll pop off again and I am afraid anything I do is going to be judged as evil. I am sorry to burden you but am beside myself and don’t know where to turn.
Wow. What a mess. It sounds like the DIL sort of has you on pins and needles. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. You suddenly out of the blue decide to change your plans and go along with your husband and son to visit with your own child for awhile, but afterwards the DIL throws a hissy-fit that she wasn’t included or “invited”. My immediate perception after reading this is that the DIL feels it is necessary to for her to be present anytime her husband (your own child) will spend any time with his parents – because she fears someone is going to say something negative about her and she wants to be there to hear it and throw her hissy fits about every imagined slight. And it sounds as though your son unfortunately has temporarily misplaced his backbone to explain to his wife that she’s out of line and acting like an immature brat.
I’ve heard this same type situation going on within families so many times, it’s almost like an exact repeat of another MIL’s story told to me by email a couple of months ago. I’ll tell you what I essentially told the other mom dealing with her own DIL problems since both situations appear soooo similar. My observation is that the DIL is pulling the puppet strings, and dear son feels stuck in the middle and not “manning up” to speak his mind. I would almost bet that the DIL virtually forced your son to call and tell your husband that nonsense about how the DIL should have been invited to come along etc. It appears to me that the DIL “wears the pants” in that marriage and in order to keep the peace with the wife, the son basically does as he’s instructed to, even if/when he doesn’t really feel the same way. The son makes excuses for the wife’s attitudes and behavior problems over and over, which is just his way of trying to keep the peace in hopes of preventing “all out war”. I may be wrong, but I get the feeling that the DIL is in charge in their home – she’s the boss. Controlling, possibly mentally/emotionally abusive in some ways towards her husband (typical behavior of female control freaks), but I’d be surprised if you or your husband ever see any real obvious signs of that going on. Would you consider your son to be a “people pleaser“? I would, based on what you’ve expressed here. A people pleaser (commonly referred to as “doormat syndrome”) married to a control freak isn’t a good sign of things to come. If you and your husband don’t “cowtow” to her every whim, she pulls the trump card threat on you – the grandchildren. Typical of control freaks.
So, what do you do? Don’t email with her, ever. Nor text with cell phones. Typed out messages don’t relay true tone – which leaves it wide open to interpretation by the control freak to claim that your very innocent email was something much more injurious than reality. Always require that she treats you and your husband with the utmost respect and dignity, and if/when she’s in your home and she starts making her condescending or disrespectful remarks, you and your husband must be in agreement beforehand that none of that will be allowed in your home and if/when she proceeds to behave poorly towards either of you, she must be told to leave and not return until she decides to treat you both with the respect she herself demands. You and your husband must decide together how much “pushing and shoving” you two will accept from her. Using the grandkids as a threat towards either of you is a low blow, but control freaks never see it that way and any “apology” is rarely ever sincere because they don’t see themselves as contributing in any way to the problems going on. It’s always someone else’s fault. There really is no quick and easy solution to problems with the DIL like this. It basically boils down to you and your husband discussing and agreeing together what your boundaries are and if/when those boundaries are stomped on, what will be your agreed upon action?
Wow! Lin, I think you nailed it. Thanks much. I think I’ll concentrate the boundaries on DIL’s interference in our own parenting. Wish me well.
Great article…I read the “how to be a good mother in law” first, and to be fair, read thus as well. Here’s my problem. My mother in law lives with us. She takes care of our daughter, only part time and has a serious drinking problem. Several times she intoxicated herself beyond belief to the extent that she verbally abuses me, wakes up the next morning and doesn’t remember what was said. My husband gets really defensive when I bring this up & I dont want her living under the same roof anymore. She oversteps her boundaries all the time, & it seems like she
deliberately tries to gain sympathy for being over tired, for working 15 hrs per week watching our baby. She is healthy yet expects us to financially support her. I think in her mind she thinks she’s doing us a favor, but in reality, she’s tearing us apart. I’m not sure if she knows this, & just doesn’t care, or if she is completely clueless. Either way, she’s toxic & is creating major problems in my marriage.
This is drastically affecting my marriage & I don’t know what to do.
im currently a daughter in law but not really..in asian terms i am..but legally not..anyways i’ve lived with my husbands family for a long time now…and in the beginning i’ve tried to accept them for who they are..my life has turned upside down since i’ve began living with them…what motherinlaw hits there daughterinlaw on the head..for no reason..goes and gossips about there daughter inlaw to relatives and friends….it was so much i had to leave my husband and it took me three months before he came to get me..were currently living under his parents roof theres so much tension..if we stay a always hear bickering and gossips and everything else..if we move they say we don’t love them we don’t care about them..how can i deal with this stuff…yeah i love his mom, but there things she has done to me in the past and even now i can stand for it anymore..it’s gettingto the point where i will have to leave again and leave for good..any suggestion on what i should do? i really love my husband and if i leave i don’t want to leave without him..it’s been 5 years now..a person can only handle so much crap..
Hi everyone, I was wondering if anyone could give me advice on handling my unique case with my MIL. She is a widow with a unmarried daughter and they live in the same building as i do; my husband is the eldest and where we live here in Egypt its the older son that is expected to do most of the care and service for his family. In all honesty i have never had a problem with this; my problems center around character differences between my mil and myself; whereas i am very laid back and easy going; she is very tense; task-oriented; a disciplinarian by nature; are you getting the picture? of course her character has resulted in her taking a lot of leadership roles in our life; whereas she doesn’t interfere in my personal relationship with husband; she has been very assertive in her role as grandparent to the extent of full time involvement in the raising and upringing of my two daughters; she herself did not complete her education and was married to an abusive husband who kept her at home and she has very few social skills or interests other than being a mother; I sympathize with her stressful past and current stress with her unmarried 31 year; and I have allowed her to be involved in our lives due to a complexity of reasons. I do not hate my Mil but she has been and remains overbearing and very micromanagerial; at times i accidently blurt out something to her as a result of the continual stress i am under from having to conform to her ways especially with the children. She gets very defense and accuses me of having no respect and no manners; lately, after an arguement; she even accused me of lacking compassion not just respect for her. I must admit she is right most of the time in her views on discipline and behavior; however it is her lack of diplomacy; insensitivity in delivering her ideas and at times her very matter of fact and stern way of giving guidance that turns me off and creates a wedge between us. I want very much to be friends and develop a good relationship; I am a very sensitive person by nature and I personally have very little demands; I just don’t know how to relate to her when she”s always so focused on the kids and their affairs and doing things just right; she leaves very little space for any intimacy or small talk. I have tried to explain myself in the past only to get blamed by everyone; none understands my perspective or even wants to understand it. As far as it looks to my mil and her daughter; i am just one ungrateful person for all the assistance i am getting when other women would die to receive an ounce of it. They totally fail to see my perspective. I feel hurt that i am looked at as the bad guy when all i want is to live a normal life; receive appropriate amount of advice and involvement; and be on good terms with my in-laws. Is there any hope they could accept their share in the tension?
Hi,
I’m Indian, married for over 3 years and have a 6 month baby. Mil lives alone which was her decision, she said she doesn’t want to come in between us if we argue. Lived with her and my hubby for 3 yrs in her house, was fine at first but soon started feeling irritated by mil. Ie she rings every evening and asks if hubby is back from work and what I’ve made to cook. This got annoying and I felt she just wanted to check I’m feeding her only son ok. Have had a few arguments with mil in past but usually felt better for having talked about it. But now it’s getting worse.
Mil can’t leave things in the past and can’t help but bring things up that always seem pathetic. She can’t get over anything. I admit when I make mistakes and apologise but she never apologises for being so rude at times and inappropriate and she misunderstands or misinterprets more or less everything that I now feel nervous to be around her.
She is forever giving me advice on how I should bring up my baby ie feed her, bathe her, even clothe her. She recently said she doesn’t like me clothing my baby with clothes my sister gave me that she used for her baby who is a few months older. She finds it embarassing. And that if I can’t afford clothes, she will buy it! I buy clothes for my baby and frankly it’s nothing to do with her. I have a close family and my sister asked me if I wanted any clothes and I said yes as some of the clothes haven’t been worn. She doesn’t like me telling her what to do if looking after my baby, ie bath days rime for food as shes been a mum too. She will bathe my baby even when I say not to bathe baby today as I bather him yesterday. Baby skin gets dry so I bathe every other day. That’s rude and makes me feel like she thinks I know nothing. I love reading baby books, talking to friends etc and have learnt alot from experience too. She once said that she feels my hubby and I aren’t looking after our baby well. I immediately reacted and said yes we are taking care of our baby thankyou! She didn’t apologise! I think it’s her habit to say what she wants as she does it do others too. No one tells her to be quiet. She is divorced so there isn’t a partner she can talk to. She confides in her mum and sisters and will cry to them and bad mouth me. She makes things worse. Never gives me the benefit of the doubt, always assumes I’m wrong.
My mil says what she likes, and doesn’t know when to bite her tongue. She is forever having a go at me and now I don’t feel comfortable around her and can’t be all happy and fake.
If she has an argument with her son, she blames me and says he was never like this before he got married. Hence trying to say I’ve changed him. She doesn’t realise that her son is an adult and can see when his mum is wrong. My mil never admits to being wrong, she believes she I always right and knows everything. She tells me how she was a great daughter in law and that I can ask any of her sister in laws. She said that she would always say yes to her own mil and never disagree with anything she said to her. She’s shocked that I have an opinion and speak up if I think something is wrong.
She hasn’t moved with the times. She’s been rude about me and my family in the past and didn’t apologise. I don’t want to involve my family as they will be worried and it will cause more issues. She is just the fussiest person I know. She wants everything to be the way she expects. She recently said that she never thought she would get a dil like me and that any other mil from India would have slapped me by now! I was shocked she said that and still haven’t told my husband as then they will argue and it gets worse.
I know I don’t speak to her as much as I did in the past but she hardly calls me. Only calls her son to ask how my baby is. I feel she hates me. She calls me a liar all the time. Everyone who knows me ie friends and family would be shocked as they know what I’m like. I don’t lie as I’m not scared of her that I need to lie. She misinterprets and makes up so much stuff, I hate it!
I know she only has one son and lives alone but that’s her decision, not my fault. Ive been reading up on how to be a good mil and dil and want to sort things out. It’s hard as she talks and talks and never stops to listen and understand my point. My hubby feels in the middle, but does stand up for me when necessary.
We never spend time together just the two of us, I think that would help. I need to tell her to stop telling me how to bring up my baby. I know it’s her grandchild, but it’s my baby. She keeps saying my baby isn’t just mine and that it’s her grandchild too. This is my first child and I want to bring him up my way. I don’t mind the odd advice but she shouldn’t get angry if I don’t listen to it. It’s too much. Times have changed, but she hasn’t. She’s holding onto the past and will never be happy like this. She never appreciates what she does have. She works 24/7 too and I know she’s always tired and sometimes says things on the spot without thinking maybe.
She causes arguments between my hubby and I, which is bad. I just feel like she only cares about her son and grandchild now. I’m glad she’s not living with us as I’d probably go mad. I hate for my baby to grow up amongst bickering.
I’m hoping to resolve these issues before Xmas and start the new year positively. It’s just hard and upsetting. I know me and my mil need to make some changes.
Hey Sonia,
I am such a relieved when i read your comment. I am married too, to my husband who is the only son of MIL. Lately, I have had similar situation like yours. I feel blessed, that at least we have a good relation with our husbands. I can understand how you feel when your MIL says that u’re not doing things properly for you kid, (what the hell, every mom tries to present the best for their kid, dont they) and MIL should understand that its our baby first and their grandchild second.
At least I found something in your MIL that is better than mine is that you guys have separated. My MIL wont separated as he is the only son, she is so extravagant and she expects me to purchase everything for her. I have not found any solution to this one ~ I am sick and tired. I cannot complain my husband not to buy and I hate her buys stuffs branded.
So, just think about it, you’re in a better position than me. Give you MIL a chance to handle her grandchild everytime she comes to visit you. Dont take care of your child when she is around. Tell sweetly that since granny is there, baby will do the diapee / eat with his granny. Let her do everything, that way she will not get a chance to complain that you are not doing it right. Even if she does it differently, let her do, dont look back at her. You can do your style all the time, just dont bother her. You know, even tho they are grandparents, they feel that they have equal rights and when they are with your kid, they wanna show them that they love them even more than you. So let them do. She’s not with you 24/7 its only some times i guess. That will make her happy and you wont take unnecessary tensions. Look and hope it works great for you.
Thanks Reena. I’ve since tried to become more relaxed around my MIL and let her do what she wants a bit more often. She is still OTT but it’s her first grandchild I guess!
I’m lucky we don’t live together as its stressful for us and affects how our husbands are around us too, as I guess they feel in the middle.
Regarding branded gifts, maybe say to your MIL one day that your trying to save money and need hubby to cut downin spending things that we don’t need, and then ask for her advice. That way she may think its nice you asked her and might even take the hint!!! Good luck!!
Life’s too short so we have to do what makes us happy!
My ex husband and I were togather for four years and married a year and a half. I could tell his mother didnt like me from day one because of the little things such as when she hugged me it was like she didnt want to touch me it was just a pat on the back. and once she got drunk and just bluntly told me she didnt like me. when we got married my husband gave them a key to let our dogs out for us while we were at work because we worked long shifts. which was fine with me untill she would start coming over unancounced to clean our house because it wasnt clean enough for her im not nasty but when you work all the time you set aside days to do you house hold chores. she would do our laundry cook it just got to the point of causing my husband and me to fight alot. he didnt see the problem. my husband has a son who was 3 at the time and when his family would come over the poor child could not breathe i mean it doesnt take three people to help a child brush there teeth. it would upset my husbands son when stuff liked this happeded and he would be a lil mouthy to them and would come to me to help him because he was used to me helping him with almost everything. he would get into trouble for that i tried my best to keep my mouth shut and would discuse the situation with my husband after his family had left but would just cause and arguement his mother was trying to be a mother to his son and well it just didnt fly. anyways to the point my grandfather past a way a year ago and my husband at the time could not attend because it was out of state and he had to work, so my sister-in-law went with me. we stayed at my fathers house. mind you she is married and my dad was not. she became very flirty with my dad even asking him to rub her shoulders and she would take her shirt off they went into his bedroom and he said nothing happen but who nos anyway.she start up to at least 3 in the morning with my dad. my sister and her husband and brother and his wife were all there as well. She new i was upset and the day we was suppose to leave she became sick so we had to stay an extra day. My husband was upset cuz i wasnt coming home the day i said i was so me being the kind of person who doesnt lie to my husband told him the situtaion. he didnt believe me and neither did his family my sister-n-law of course turned the tables on me was making all kinds of stuff up on me and even said i was the one coming on to my dad. not long after that my husbands mother gave him a choice to either choose his wife or his family and money well he chose his family and money. well its been 10 months now and we have remained friends and he has told me that he regreats everything that has happened and has apologized over and over. we wants to try and give it a go again because we still care for each other deeply but i think he is scared to tell his family. I am willing to let it all go and start fresh but i dont no if his family can and i dont want to be in the same situation again. we do still care for each other but is there any advice on how we can make this work out need some advice please help.
My future daughter-in-law lives with my son about 200 km. from my home. They come to visit me periodically and sometimes my son comes alone. He is my only child and I prefer to see him alone once in a while but I do not mind if she comes along. Because they live quite a distance from my home, they come on Friday evening and leave on Sunday evening. There are certain traits she possesses that I do not agree with. For instance – I find that she has to be entertained most of the visit or she lies down on the sofa and ‘sleeps’ while my son and I are watching TV. I thought that she might be bored when we watch TV so I suggested that we play a board game which she readily agreed upon. But when she started to loose the game she began to show her displeasure and throw the dice on the board toward my son several times upsetting the gameboard. Neither my son nor I said anything but I did see that it upset my son. I found this behaviour very disrespectful. She also leaves her dirty clothes (underwear, socks, pajamas) in my laundry basket for me to wash. Is this appropriate – I personally feel it demeaning and insulting. However, my son sees nothing wrong with this. Am I too sensitive or picky?
H, it would certainly be great if parents can spend some time alone with their child from time to time even when they’re married. Surely it can happen sometimes, but the more often the spouse can be included and actively participate, the better for the relationships all around. Even when great distances do not separate children from their parents, any expectations that the child will visit without bringing the spouse along, should be avoided. Always expect the spouse will come, and always do your best to make the spouse feel welcome, accepted, comfortable and loved.
That do NOT mean accepting rude and disrespectful behaviors. The idea that you would be expected to do her laundry, and her putting her dirty clothes into your laundry basket without so much as asking, comes across as rude (to me). If you have a guestroom where they stay when they visit, consider putting a small laundry basket in that room’s closet, and sometime during their visit (perhaps the second day), kindly mention that the laundry room is available if either of them would like to do their laundry while they’re visiting. Do not do their wash for them, that’s ridiculous. If either of them suggest they don’t know how to use your particular washer/dryer, resist the temptation to laugh out loud or show any type of facial expression that even I would have to resist (hahaha), and offer to show them how your machines work and then kindly leave the laundry room for them/her/him to do their own. If she once again puts her dirty clothes in your laundry basket for YOU to wash, hand her the empty laundry basket you’ve purchased for guests to use, and ask her to retrieve her belongings from your basket and repeat that the laundry room is available for her use. You’re not being too sensitive or picky in my opinion.
Hello!
I have a problem with a mother in law to be – I actually knew and had a great relationship with my future mother in law before I knew her son – she treated me like a daughter and I called her my second mom. She watched me grow up! But since I started getting to know her son, she has told him to stay away from me, now that we have been dating, she acts like I dont exist, won’t talk to me, look at me, or even acknowledge me to her son. I think that this is very childish and I dont understand why she is doing this. It bothers me, but even moreso it bothers my future husband a lot! I have tried to talk with her about it and she says everything is fine, and we will talk about it later… but she WONT! Its taking a big toll on my relationship with her son, whom I love very very much and I just want to have the same relationship with my future mother in law as I did before he came into the picture. How do I get her to snap out of it!?
Hello,
I think my Mother-in-law is a wonderful person that is very caring, nuturing and giving. However, she insists on weekly family dinners and refuses to stop”helping” in the form of presents (last Christmas would have cost her at least $1,000.00 between my husband and my gifts from her) or sneaky financial gifts (wires funds into our bank account without our knowledge).
I come from a very different background where extended family sees each other once a year at most and financial help doesn’t happen…..period. I feel very “mothered” by her and I don’t like it. To be honest I’m kind of insulted by her behaviour as I question her motives at times. Does she think I can’t take care of myself? Does she think my own mother in the same city is neglecting me? Is she trying to force me away from my family and fully into hers? Does she dislike my family?
I don’t think those are her intentions but sometimes it’s hard to tell. I’ve told her when I go to her place every Sunday (starting around 2pm to late evening) I don’t have time to see my own family or even finish my household chores.(I work full time and I’m a part time student) But she still acts as if I’m ripping out her heart when I say no every once and awhile. My husband does acknowledge the problem but neither one of us wants to hurt her feelings. Would you just ignore this kind of thing as it’s not nearly as bad as other peoples issues? Or is her unwanted assistance and demand of our time a real issue worth bringing up?
How do I tell the difference between a step-mother-in-law that I’m misunderstanding and one who really is toxic to me and my family when emotions are such a strong blinder? My step-mother-in-law complained about me loudly and at length behind my back and in the presence of my children, and when I very politely and kindly asked her not to do it again she refused to listen, so I cut off her contact with my children. I believe this was reasonable. But I am having a hard time because I want my husband to be able to see his father, and she won’t let them see each other while I’m upset.
Hi Lin
I am married to my husband, 4 years and we have a beautiful daughter who is 18 months old.
My husband and I have known one another most of our lives since we were both about 7 or 8 and our families grew up really good friends. So my mother-in-law and i were always good friends. When we were dating i would happily spend time alone with her, go for coffees, i even took her on nights out just to bless her (with flowers and gifts).
I love doing that sort of thing, because i always wanted a really close relationship with my mother in law as ive heard so many stories and always thought “that wont be me and my mum in law” but unfortionately since ive had my daughter (her first grandchild) she has changed. Instead of us being friends she cares nothing about me (or her son for that matter) and only seems to care about her grandchild. I know new grandparents get excited because its there first grandchild, but 18 months later and she still only wants to come around if my daughter is awake, not to see how we are going but just to spend time with her.
I think she may be a bit jealous of my mum because my mum babysits her while i work two days a week. I would ask my mother in law to but she works full time so she cant anyway. and thats the only time my daughter gets babysat because we take her wherever we go so we dont need her babysat.I think what has been hard on me is that i thought my mil and i were good friends and we used to go out alone but now she doesnt want to go out for coffees/etc unless my daughter is there too.
I know shes excited about her grand daughter and so she should be, but i wish she wouldnt ignore me in the mean time. they live about 45 mins away and so we dont see them every week (my husband and prefer once a fortnight as my husband works and does uni full time and we like to have our own family time too) but she is always saying we never see them and we never go over. It feels like its all about my daughter and while i love her to bits too, i just wish i wasnt left out in the process. And my husband too as they dont ask him much how he is going. Anything i could do differently to help things get better?
Hi! Thank you so much for making this site avalible to daughter in laws. Of course, I am here because I have a very rocky relationship with my mil. It all began when my husband and I were going to get married three years ago and she began probing him with questions about my finances and other personal matters. Since we have been married she has talked to my husband and told him to keep information from me, has provocted me to tell her that I thought she was being childish about a matter by asking what I thought about her behavior (something that I also apologized for), she has specifically encouraged me to be honest with her and then when I wrote her a note explaining that the way her husband was touching my shoulders made me feel uncomfortable she refused to talk to me and when I tried to call and apologize for hurting her feelings she would hang up the phone so I had to drive to her house and she refused to answer the door. In addition, she showed the letter to several people, including her husband and then said that it was something that I risked by giving the letter to her in the first place (so it was not wrong for her to share it). She has gossiped about me to various members of her family, talking about how difficult I am to get along with. We moved across the country recently and I was pregnant with our second child, unknown at the time to her. I asked my husband not to tell his family because they were already very upset that we were leaving. When he did tell them, she said some very nasty things to him because he hadnt told her sooner, even though I feel like when and how we tell people should be my decision since it is my body and my hubby agrees. What it has come to at this point is that I am tired of being treated poorly by her. My husband completely understands and sides with me. He doesn’t want me to be hurt anymore either, My family has been to see us five times since we moved last year and they have not come at all. I have never invited them or disinvited them (although my husband has invited them and I support him, of course), but my mil wants an invitation from me, as well as an apology for I don’t know what this time since I have not spoken to her since we have left. Honestly, this move has been the best thing for me and our marriage. Me and my husband are able to enjoy each other and our girls in peace. My husband has told me that he has tried so hard to understand her, but that he just can’t see where she is coming from. She has threatened to stop talking to him altogether and everytime she talks to him she tries to extract information about me from him (like what I think about her, etc.). I have forgiven my mil for these things, but I do not want them to continue happening. I am afraid that if I invite her and it is awkward she will blame it on me and say that it is my fault because I invited them. So, my thought was that I will leave it up to them if they come or not. However, I did turn down an invitation they gave to my husband for us to go on vacation with them (because we went on vacation with my family this year) because I did not want to be stranded with them somewhere if she starts disrespecting me. It is hard for me to forget what happens with her because she never feels like she does anything wrong (at least she doesn’t apologize for anything- which is strange because she expects me to apologize for everything, which I do even if it is for just hurting her feelings. She has never apologized for hurting my feelings, although there have been times that the things she has said to me have made me cry in front of her. During one attempt to make ammends, I told her that maybe we should just try to avoid giving advice to each other (since what had made her made was that I said I thought she was acting childish since she was not going to attend her inlaws funeral because she has been in a feud with them since the 1980′s) and she said that she never felt like we had the kind of relationship that would warrent adive to be given and then in the same conversation she told me that one of my biggest problems was my inability to deal with conflict and that I had better start working on that. I feel like I have to guard myself becuase at any moment she could snap. At least my husband and other people have been present for most of what she has done, so it is not my word agianst hers and other people are aware off how crazy she can get. She claims to be a Christian and I want to treat her as a Christiam dil would, but I am not sure how to proceed. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.
Thanks for the article basically supporting and endorsing everything that I have been telling my son that his girlfriend LACKS.
I did not like her from the beginning because she caused a rift between my youngest son and my oldest due to wrecking a trip to Europe and instead making her own plans with my son to go to Europe with her instead.
Her insistance with the trip, forcing it down my throat to pay for my son to go to Europe with her (and if I didn’t, I heard her whining and near to crying accusing me of being inhumane, as she left her cell phone on and I learned early on that she was a pure manipulator.)
Next, my youngest son reacted badly and my oldest son put his brother LAST and put this wench priority compromising their brotherhood over the trip.
Then, she continued to interfere with any chores or responsibilities my son had with our family (basic family routine for order of normal things, garbage etc.) by constantly calling, texting and telling him to ‘stand up for his rights, as he is an adult now and should’nt have to listen to me.’ (NOTE” he was living rent free here and I was footing the bill for their relationship socializing expenses and ALL GIFTS for her and her family)
Then she would interfere with my son and my relationship as mother and son by causing him to devalue and disregard me, saying that I am not important and tell me to go @@@@ myself whenever I asked for basic things.
NOTE” she brownnoses her own family and also expects my son to run errands with her for her own family and visit all of her distant cousins, BUT when he is asked anything, she PROTESTS, calling me unfair and that he doesnt have to do it ‘because he is an adult now.’
Then she interferred with my x husband from years ago, encouraging my son who was fatherless his entire life to contact him, though this man was a violent abuser to me, owes me child support and never ever sent him a gift for his entire life, not even christmas, nor spend five minutes with him.
This girl convinced him to get money from my x, who owes me money first and also convinced my son to side with this psychopath which is compromising my lawsuit overall.
She also undermined the abuse, saying I am lying about the abuse from him, though this girl was not even born, nor even spent five minutes speaking ot me about my personal business.
SHe has bamboozled, imposed, forced, and destroyed my family.
SO I TOLD MY SON AND HER THAT GOODBYE.
She told my son to get rid of me, his mother and she is not even engaged to him.
She also told me to my face that I would not be invited to their wedding nor see my grandchildren when I reacted to the abuse, exploitation, disrespect and chronic disregard instigated by HER.
THUS, she is destroying my own dream of having a loving adult son, having grandchildren around and everything that I have worked for being a single mother my entire life.
THIS GIRL EVEN TOLD ME THAT IF I CALLED HER PARENTS TO REPORT HER CONDUCT THAT SHE WOULD PUT A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST ME.
Well, it comes down to my son.
If he can allow a girl to be this way to me, his mother, then he is no son of mine.
SOmetimes there are situtations such as the one above that a mother just cannot win because of the degree of seriousness and corruption.
CUT ALL TIES AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
My son was kicked out one month ago and since that time, she has violently physically attacked him leaving scratches and bruises on his neck.
I forsee that he will be behind bars because one day he will hit her back.
At this point, I am preparing myself to move onward without any dream of how it should have been given I was a wonderful mother and gave him everything to expect respect.
I will NOT be endorsing abuse of me, in lieu of this psycho bitch from hell girlfriend.
Putting my foot down, and maybe I will have other hobbies but at least she will not have opportunity to push me over a cliff in my wheelchair when I am 80.
THIS ONE IS LETHAL, but if my son does not value me and can easily be mislead, I can only say that nature versus nurture and he is just like his father, at the end of the day.
I told them both that there is no hope for a future with me because if this is how I am being treated now, I will not subject myself for further abuse and disregard.
REMEMBER THAT I LOSE MY SON, but HE LOSES HIS MOTHER and it will hit home and one day he will blame her for her corruptive ways when they are stuck with kids and no one helping them nor wanting that bitch around.
I say hold your head up with dignity and just give the ultimateum from the beginning when the first disrespectful thing or action comes out.
Any future daughter in law who brings these problems to the table BEFORE marriage is just asking for a divorce to begin with…
THERE IS ONE QUEEN and ONE PRINCESS.
She shot herself in the foot causing me not to like her due to her own warped ways, bad influences on my son and there are no second auditions.
My son has damaged everything in his entire life and he knows better but once pussy drunk, cannot get fundamental values through the thick headedness of sexual addiciton.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but ONLY ONE MOTHER.
Mother’s come first and without BOTH of them respecting it, these type of girls are only mother killers, stealing your hard earned reward after all the sacrifices and also maiking a mockery of you, making an ass out of your family overall and portraying your son to be the biggest jackass for getting himself involved with such a horrible girl.
and to continue it….
OVER MY DEAD BODY just move onward and DO NOT SPEAK TO THEM.
She can explain why his mother hates her frickin gutts to everyone at their wedding.
Besides,
Her control of my son, chronic imposition, including emailing my son or calling incessantly during family meetings, chores or events was evidence that this girl was ill-mannered, psychotic and insecure.
She
The problems I have with my Mil strewn from a hurtful situation that happened to me before my husband and I got married our had children. The main problem for me, that I can’t seem to get over is that when my husband and I moved in together, an ex girlfriend of his called his mother to see how he was doing. Bring that she had never accepted our relationship, she have her my husbands cell number and proceeded to tell the ex girlfriend that he was single and available. When I found out by talking to his ex, I was furious and could not understand how any mil could do that to a daughter in law. I can’t seem to get passed this and it now has been 4 years. We are now married with 2 children and I have a problem with letting my children have a close relationship with her. I trend to snap at her because I take things really personal. She pries in everyone’s lives, wants to know everything and asks questions about other people not to mention is a huge gossip. My marriage has been on the verge of divorce over these issues and that is obviously not what I want, but am really struggling with making peace with the past. Any advice?
My Mother in law and I got into an argument a couple of weeks ago about my daughter staying overnight with her. I tried to put an end to it and told her nicely that she would not be staying anywhere but our house. She kept on egging it on and eventualy she was crying and she left without telling me goodbye. She has step grandchildren that she keeps once a week. I am a working mother and enjoy every minute I can with my daughter, who is only 6 months old. This past week, she wrote my husband (she never writes me when she has a problem) and told him to tell me that she forgave me. I didn’t do anything to be forgiven. Any advice on how to handle this problem?
Thanks for ur article and I really do love it.my major issue wit my mother inlaw is that she prys akot into her sons life which I am not comfortable with.one issue at hand now is my relationship wit her other son.she complains that I am not close to him and wants me to relate wuth him well as he is d only siblin of my fiance.on the other hand the brothr is really annoyn and I am somene wo lovs to steer clear from trouble.wen I noticed this about hm I gave a clear space betwn I and d bro and now d mom has noticed it and is complainin.i dont know aw to relate hm that it wil not lead to disresipespect.