Abused men are men and teenage boys who are in physically, mentally and emotionally abusive relationships involving partners, girlfriends or wives. Men who are abused do not get the respect, understanding, encouragement or support from society as a whole and are often criticized and ridiculed unfairly, further victimizing men who are abused.
Victims of domestic violence are not just women, wives or girlfriends. Domestic violence occurs with men too, and it’s about time abused men and society in general wake up to the alarming statistics about women, girlfriends and wives who abuse men and stop turning a deaf ear to the abuse men are experiencing.
Boyfriend and husband abuse is a reality in society and men who are abused by women need help, encouragement and support just as much as abused women do. Domestic violence against men, and abusive relationships of all types, do not discriminate and abuse occurs in all ethnic, racial and socio-economic groups.
When you hear the words “domestic violence” and physical, mental and/or emotional abuse, do you tend to think about women or girls who has been slapped, hit, punched, kicked, bullied, ridiculed, degraded, criticized and humiliated by a man? Domestic violence against women by men who claim to love them has been a serious problem for a very long time, but what about the men? What about men who are abused by women? Why do abused men stay in abusive relationships if it’s so bad, you may wonder.
Some women, girlfriends and wives are physically, mentally and emotionally aggressive in relationships with their boyfriends, partners or husbands. Abused men rarely come forward to share their experiences as domestic abuse victims because of fear. Abused men stay in abusive relationships and marriages for much the same reasons abused woman stay, with fear being the primary reason.
Men who are abused are often afraid of being stigmatized by others with fear of being labeled a dependent, spineless doormat, passive-aggressive “wimp” or “whipped” man with low self-worth. Men who are abused are often too afraid to tell or admit to others that they are being mentally or emotionally abused, if not physically, and view telling as a loss of their manhood.
The statistics for abused men who are beaten or battered by the women who claim to love them say that men are abused more than women are abused, battered, beaten and bruised by men. Unfortunately, physically abused and battered men tend not to call the police or report the abuse they have suffered at the hands of girlfriends or wives, and even when these men do call the police to report the violence, they’re pleas for help are often ignored.
The myths about abused men are astounding. Teen boys and men who are abused need to identify and recognize the warning signs of abusive relationships and take action. Love Doesn’t Hurt. Teenage girls, women or wives who are physical, emotional or psychological abusers gradually chip away at a man’s feelings of self-worth and independence in the same way angry, controlling, abusive men act towards women.
Emotionally Abused Men
Male victims of emotional abuse may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or marriage, often ignoring the symptoms that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship that can so quickly become physically abusive. Emotional abuse includes verbal attacks such as yelling, blaming, ridiculing, name-calling, intimidation, controlling behaviors, isolation from family or friends, shaming, threats of physical violence and more. Abuse of any kind – physical, mental or emotional abuse is an absolute deal breaker in my book and should be for anyone who experiences domestic violence in some form or fashion.
The scars of having been emotionally abused are very real and run very, very deep. Emotional abuse often escalates to the point of physical abuse and battery. Even death. Abusers do not change. Let me repeat that: Abusers do not change, and if you are a man or teenage boy who feels he must “walk on eggshells” around his partner, girlfriend or wife in order to “keep the peace” and try to prevent her from having a conniption fit about everything or anything – you are very likely in an unhealthy, controlling, abusive relationship and need to get out now.
See Toxic Relationships-Toxic Family Members for help figuring out if your girlfriend or wife is toxic or not.
There are many signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, and they are much the same as those that apply to women who are abused by men. Physically or emotionally abused men must not be allow abusive women to control them any longer. Not for one more minute, not for one more hour, and definitely not for one more day of their lives.
Having heard from several men who felt they were pressured into marriage by emotionally abusive girlfriends, plus having written articles about women abused by men, I feel a responsibility and desire to address the issues involving abused men.
Just as I recommended to these men that they read the book, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence
Similar Posts:
RSS Feeds: 
Hi Lin,
What a great topic. Too often it’s assumed only women get abused, but men are going through the same thing. I agree, many men think they will be “labeled” and thus don’t talk or report the abuse. It’s good to know not only are books being written on this subject, but it’s being blogged about, too.
Great post, Lin.
Barbara,
I’ve been surprised by the amount of men who are abused – primarily emotional and mental abuse, but some have been physically abused as well. It’s a shame society tends to ridicule these men with labels as wimps or whipped, since that has everything to do with why these men don’t report it or get the help they need.
There needs to be more information not only about men being abused, but more supports, resources for the male victims by men themselves. My reasoning for saying this is simple, women for the most part are very capable of speaking out with passion and emotion, men because they tend to be more intellectual in their “thinkings”, rationalize everything. Men NEED to hear from other men and women need to hear the reality of what is going on!
Many men will say when or if they do open up…who will believe me? Most woman abusers will actually turn the tables on their victims and say…he abused me…he neglected me so on and so forth. It is so tragic and so wrong!
I was reading a different blog which gives great insights to some of the issues of abuse, it is a great article on toxic relationships and I would pay attention to the comments, where you will read two viewpoints from men.
http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2007/09/05/toxic-relationships-why-do-we-stay/
why does anyone become or stay abused?
I loved the analogy from this article and I hope that you dont mind me putting it in here:
How do you cook a live frog? If you throw the live frog into a pan of boiling water the frog will hop right out, however, if you put the frog into a nice tepid pan of water and ever so slowly turn up the heat, the frog will cook before he realizes what has happened.
Please make a point of creating more blog articles such as this because folks…this will not just help with helping men…it might help your father, your son or any other person that you care about.
Best Regards,
Diane, thanks for sharing the link to that article about toxic relationships. I also like the analogy of cooking a live frog – very true in abusive relationships.
And when the men finally get enough nerve to leave, these women can falsely accuse the men of domestic violence and use the system to further batter them.
Anon,
Unfortunately, the “system” doesn’t treat abused men very well at all. You’re right, far too many times men who have been abused by their wives especially are further abused during and after the divorce by false accusations, losing half of their stuff (if not more), losing easy access to their children.., and the list goes on. Even then, I am adamant that men who are abused by their girlfriends or wives MUST get out of the relationship/marriage. Child custody and visitation can be fought and won in court if necessary. Income can be dealt with as well. Their self esteem, mental health and well being must be given high priority – versus staying in an abusive relationship where your soul is destroyed from the inside out.
Simple Wisdom. The truth is that the strength and resolve are very hard faught. In the context of a toxic wife who has real health challenges and a disabled child much more. Only faith endures and peace alone secures the fabric of our lives.
In consideration we must balance any redemptive value that may exist.
We are here in a forum that lends great prospect and promise of support in light of those who know that such a social pandemic does in fact exist.
The legal system and social climate has to change if we are at all to arrive at the place where both for men and women the instruments therapies and supports articulate in the social arena.
With the strong foundations of truth, love, openness, and sharing; we can overcome any illness in the right culture.
We have here a petrie dish. We will prevail.
My God, This dredges up a very unhappy time in my life. Im glad those years are over for sure, The scars will always remain.
Hi Lin,
Great post, very close to my heart because I have a close friend who is going through something like that but won’t really admit to it.
I think he’s been in the relationship to long that he thinks that kind of behavior is normal and that’s all he probably knows. As you said abusers don’t change and unfortunately for my friend he’s probably too scared to do anything because of fear and being labeled as a wimp.
To prevent any sort of domestic violence, really getting to know someone before jumping into any serious relationship or moving in together and especially getting married is a must because when your into deep it’s harder to get out of something when you invested so much of your time and life in to a relationship.
A lot of times people jump into marriage too early or for the wrong reasons.
Remember you always have options.
Brandon
I have some questions regarding an issue with my boyfriend of 7 years and his mother. It is very clear to me the signs of emotional and sexual abuse. I have lived the life of a sexually abused child. I got help in my early adult years. Its taken me a long time to get where I am and Im not back to being totally whole yet.
I have lived with the two of them and Im horrified at what he has had to endure as an adult and can only imagine what she put him thru as a defenseless child. He denies any problems. I can understand why he would shame anger disbelief and the reality of what has happened. I feel his pain to my very core and yet I dont know how to help him. Any suggestions? So far nothing I have done seems to help and if anything has caused a problem with us. Instead of him feeling closer to me I somehow have managed to be come the enemy or outsider.
Hi Jamie,
There are no easy answers to what you’re dealing with. It’s very important that you don’t force the issue with your boyfriend. I understand you’ve experienced it yourself and are very sensitive to any signs of the abuse. Be careful, verrry careful, that your concern for your boyfriend doesn’t beyond what you are truly capable of handling. As you said, you’ve not quite gotten to where you need to be yourself, so you should seriously consider stepping back from it. He obviously knows he can come to you if he chooses to. You cannot force him to talk about his childhood experiences, his relationship with his mother etc. That would only make the situation worse. Let him come to you if he chooses to. Otherwise step back from it.
This is a very important subject. Abuse is abuse and it knows not gender or race or economic standing. We must love ourselves enough to learn not to be allow the abuse and to remove ourselves from abusive/toxic relationships.
.-= Mark´s last blog ..Am I Wearing Rose Colored Glasses? =-.
I thought I would come back to see what more was being said. I agree with Mark that on an intellectual level that “We must love ourselves enough to learn not to be allow the abuse and to remove ourselves from abusive/toxic relationships.”
The reality is far different. What I have been finding is that many men don’t actually believe that they are being “emotionally” abused and they fall deeper into a very viscous cycle.
They love their partners ( never said it was healthy) and they keep hoping with everything they have that if they just do this or that..then the partner will get better.
One gets so caught up in just surviving that they can no see beyond the moment and when there is a respite as does happen all too often ( honeymoon period) then their feelings of relief and hope rise once again.
All to often these men become brain washed into believing and even thinking like their abusive partners and as I term it..they look in the demons mirror.
Emotional abuse is so insidious that one wonders how anyone can get beyond the pain that runs so deep and it will affect every aspect to their lives.
The most any of us can do who see the reality..who care for these men, is to just be there if and when they need us.
If anyone has any ideas on how to somehow break though the despair, fear and what i believe is an unhealthy enabling to the abuse, i sure would love to hear it.
Thanks for letting me speak my piece.
It’s easy to say “really get to know someone” before you get into a serious relationship.In my experience, most people do not however, show their true selves until you are in a relationship with them.The problem can be finding the strength to finish it sooner rather than later.
My son finally saw the light last February,and had her arrested.When the police arrived their 4 year old was between them trying to keep her from biting him, (that was her weapon of choice) The abusive wife took everything from him but the kids. Now she has decided she wants them too. She has convinced the judge that she is “better” and should have unsupervised visitation with the 4 and 1 year old. When the older child was 2 she asked me why her mother didn’t love her and was so mean. I fear for my grand children. does anyone have any suggestions. There is no prior criminal record, when she would lose it my son would take her to the mental ward. The only problem is when the Dr.s would start to get a handle on the depth of her sickness she would force the family to move to a new state. In 8 years they have lived in 4 states and the lawyers can’t get her medical records without her approval.
When my son had her thrown in jail, her parents came forward with the records they had. She was removed from their home and put in foster care when she was 12 for attacking her twin sister with a butcher knife. In less than 6 years she went through over 128 foster homes, because of her abusive behavior. She can be very charming when she has to and has the criminal judge convinced she is getting better. The Dr.s say she will never be well. My son is scared to death he will lose his children. He has not worked in 2 1/2 years because he was afraid to leave her alone with the kids.
Does anyone have any encouraging words, or advice?
I did not use my real name to protect my sons privacy; and frankly, my daughter-in-law scares the crap out of me. At time she seems omniscient.
Sometimes I wish I were a lawyer protecting children’s best interests, but I’m not. How was her parents able to get access to her previous health records in order to bring those forward? Is there no one that has more recent records? Police reports? Records or documentation of anything that has happened by this woman? Text messages, voicemail messages, video of her tirades? Nothing that can be used to protect your son and grandchildren? Is there no way the woman’s doctor can be given a subpoena to testify about her behaviors? A psychologist or psychiatrist with information? Doctor/patient privileged information? Argh!
Since her parents brought the health records before, and they obviously recognize their daughter needs help mentally/psychologically, is there no way her parents can be of help to get the help for their daughter and help protect your son and mutual grandchildren? Could her parents not testify as to what they know of her mental state, previous behaviors etc, even with a subpoena requiring them to appear and testify? Surely they must see the signs that your son and grandchildren could be in grave danger at the hands of their own daughter?
What about your son and grandchildren’s attorney? Is he/she offering any suggestions or ideas or possible options that can be used to protect your son and the kids, and get the mother the help she needs? Unsupervised visitation sounds absolutely horrible, downright dangerous, for those kids. What about calling (hounding if necessary) the District Attorney, Child Protective Services, Social Workers, Talk Shows!, Legal Hotline numbers for child custody/divorce cases and child advocacy groups? There MUST be something that can be done about this woman. For her own mental health, your son’s well being and that of the grandchildren.
It is now almost a year and a half later. They are still legally married. Until last Monday, he nor the girls had heard from hersince 2 days before the baby’s birthday, in August.. He had not realized how long he has lived in limbo. The girls therapist was shocked that the divorce was still not finalized. He went straight to his lawyers office and told him enough. It was past time for him and the girls to move on with their lives.
The lawyer agreed and gave him a DVD of her medical files, from June 1st to September 1st, 593 pages. He was told that at this point they have over 3,000.pages since this all started. He found out that she has been in the state mental hospital on a legal hold for threatening to kill my son and granddaughters. She has been arrested 7 times since the separation and has outstanding warrants, that he was unaware of in every state they have lived in. 3 court appointed lawyers have dropped her because she is so crazy. The last time they were in court she claimed she couldn’t't sign the papers because she had no representation.
His lawyer is going to petition the courts for declaration of divorce and full custody so he can leave the state he is in and return home. He will not fight to keep her from visitation but he will not pay for it. He is also not going to tell them that she has 2 outstanding warrants here. She knows it and it may keep her away. Our home is also on the East Coast, this is all taking place on the West. Hopefully this will all be over soon.
This is a great attempt to bring this real issue to the forefront. I believe that most of the time men have to not only weigh the consequences that will personnally effect them as an individual being but they have to consider Kid, Financial stability for all, changes in outlook from friends/family, and future relationships.
We have all heard the stories about the wife who cheats with the “so called” husbands best friend and then end up with the house, car, and kids so the emotionally abused x husband ends up paying alimony, and child support and has to leave with the shirt on his back. Its wrong but try and go to the authorities about it then come back and tell your story.
Or the Husband that decides enough is enough and leaves anyway only to be denied the ability to see his child. Its wrong but go to the authorities about it and then come back and tell your story
Or the xwife/girlfriend that takes every opportunity to berate her X in front of the man’s next relationship. Even a good woman will not stick around to hear crap from the X. Its wrong but go to the authories about it and then come back and tell your story.
The bottom line is this. Most women(NOT ALL) get a pass in the following areas
1. Police (Call the cops in Orlando Florida because your wife did something wrong, all she has to do is say he hit me, yelled at me, threatened me you are off to the big house)
2. Judges (they are so bound to protecting women from abuse most dont have the guts to rule on the evidence at risk of being labelled a woman hater)
3. Counselors (if you get there and they ask what did you do leave immediately you are wasting your time)
4. Family Advocacy groups (kind of one of the points of this article. Not aware of any for men)
5. Court of public opinion (always in favor of the woman. This is one absolute, I mean people might think she is a witch or a bad person but the woman will win every time)
6. Financial proceedings (Half?, yep)
7. Lawyers (wont take men abuse cases because women abuse cases are a no brainer and guaranteed money.)
There are others but dont think there is room for a top 100 list.
Before anyone comments about me personnally. I have not gone through any of the above but know at least 5 people that have and have heard at least 100 other similar stories. Its real and its wrong but until the judicial system is evened out this issue will stay in the closet with the other bones.
I have recently escaped an abusive relationship of 5 years. I am finally out yet I am chastised for reporting it and the City Attorney as well as the victim’s advocate have sided with her simply giving her a slap on the wrist. I have a daughter with her who has been in the middle of her rages from time to time yet the have denied me access to her and have let her keep custody. I am really having a hard time with this. I was lucky enough to have an attorney who had just recently gone through the same thing with his wife pick up papers for a protective order at the same time as me and started asking about my case. When he realized what we shared in common, he talked about the difficulty even for him as an attorney to get access to resources that the state I live in reserves for women and children. He has offered to give me counsel pro-bono and I am grateful, but still feeling that justice will never be served to these abusive women. I went through hell as a child at the hands of my dad’s ex-wife. I watched her beat him with all sorts of things then when he finally got the divorce they gave her custody of us and the abuse turned worse and worse till I was finally hospitalized for two weeks. Even then they tried to blame my dad that I hadn’t seen in over 7 months because she was denying him visit’s even though it is in contempt of court nothing was done. My dad for the crime of battery and aggravated assault of a child was looking at 15 years in prison when they found out it was her that was doing it. She got 2 weeks in jail and lost her teachings license for Utah. I am in desperate need of help. I need people to stand up against the system. I am trying to get the governor of Utah involved yet I need 2000 names on a petition for equal resources and punishments for the abusers in these crimes. No leniency just because they have breasts and can suck off the DA. I am tired of being hurt by women and if i stand up for myself I get thrown in jail. If you are willing to give your name and signature please contact me @ davewillward13@gmail.com and put, “Petition to Governor Herbert”, as the Subject. I promise if one of us starts it the chain will get moving and things will be set right. If you need help doing the same in your state please feel free to contact me. We have to stand together as one voice against abuse if we are to be heard. I do not mean any ill to women victims and if you are willing to help as well that is only going to be better. Thank you.
I was a Battered man.For almost 10 of 15 years of my first marriage, We had three Children .I Had a good job , a Fire Captain in the local department for years, Made great money.Had a nice home in a nice neighborhood. My spouse wanted for nothing. But that wasn’t enough. It was an insidious thing that began when we first started dating ,a slap here a punch there, minor berating usually in public. Than it went away, for years. Than came back with a vengeance. . I remember times at the super market the woman would start berating me because I Saw Something I liked. She would start the name calling,hitting and throwing of stuff until i just plain got fed up and would walk out and leave her at the check stand.Than the affairs began, not designed to be kept secret and always in my face in one form or another. Finally it all came to a point were i couldn’t stand to look at the man in the mirror, I hardly knew myself anymore.One Weekend I went to the bank cleared out the savings and rented myself a place near my kids school so i could care for them after they got out .convenience.Than the real fun began. The break in of my apartment, trashing of my personal things,the nasty calls to my employer.I filed for divorce. Than the woman really became unglued, the gravy train was over.Any time Id go to pick up the kids for the weekend i would be assaulted by her.Punched ,kicked screamed at, usually in front of the children.It was horrible.Some might say ,why didn’t you try the counseling thing, I and we did, Fingers were always pointed at me,by her. Dammed if I couldn’t win. A wise woman shrink who saw the dynamics of the abuse finally took me aside and told me exactly what I needed to do. Get the hell out. So I did.It finally came to the point I had to pin my x to the wall by her throat and tell her if she ever hit me again ,id clean the floor with her. That worked. I finally got my Testicles back.Sometimes the reverse effect does work. Let her know your a man.Today I’m remarried to a wonderful woman,20 years later I’m able to heal from the scars that person left on my mind.By the grace of God.
It’s not always that the men are ashamed of being abused. Sometimes they don’t realize it. I didn’t realize until after my wife left (and took my kid) that She had been abusive almost the whole time. Reading articles like this helped me figure it out, as well as just talking to people about it.
The reason I put up with it was because I figured I could handle it. She had told me stories of abusive exes when we met, so I felt bad for her. Later she would use those excuses, as well as others, to justify her abusive actions. I let her get away with it, because I thought I was trying to “help” her.
In reading these articles,i find that most of the men in here have much in common.Its been 25 years since I left that woman, and im still having some PTS over that. Its gotten way better over time. And I assure you. No woman will physically or emotionally abuse me again.Lifes lessons can hurt.
I’d appreciate some insight from those of you who have been through it. I have reconnected with an old friend who is in an emotionally abusive relationship. He knows he needs to get out, but he keeps finding things he needs to do first, e.g. home repairs. I realize it’s fear. He insists it isn’t & that it’s just because he can get the work done for less than hiring someone.
How do I cut through this denial and get him to admit he’s afraid? In my experience, the first step in overcoming fear is owning up to it. I’ve been trying to help him for awhile now, but I have reached my limit for watching him continuing to sit there too paralyzed to act.
Once, or if, he gets out of there, I know he’d like to pursue a relationship with me (we dated a long time ago & it was good so that’s not out of the question), but I don’t know if I can be with him if he doesn’t learn to stand up for himself. He has sold himself short for so long that it hurts to think about. But I need to know that I can rely on him to take care of himself. I don’t want that job. It would risk turning me into the hyper-vigilant she-b#@*th he is currently with.
There have been some wonderful posts in this discussion with insight far beyond mine. I would really appreciate your thoughtful responses to this situation. He is a dear, dear man & I just don’t know what to do or think anymore. Thanks so much.
Leave , fast, run to the nearest court and file a restraing order. Get the hell out. It took me 5 years to do this.