Abused Men: Battered and Emotionally Abused Male Victims of Domestic Violence

Abused men are men and teenage boys who are in physically, mentally and emotionally abusive relationships involving partners, girlfriends or wives. Men who are abused do not get the respect, understanding, encouragement or support from society as a whole and are often criticized and ridiculed unfairly, further victimizing men who are abused.

Victims of domestic violence are not just women, wives or girlfriends. Domestic violence occurs with men too, and it’s about time abused men and society in general wake up to the alarming statistics about women, girlfriends and wives who abuse men and stop turning a deaf ear to the abuse men are experiencing.

Boyfriend and husband abuse is a reality in society and men who are abused by women need help, encouragement and support just as much as abused women do. Domestic violence against men, and abusive relationships of all types, do not discriminate and abuse occurs in all ethnic, racial and socio-economic groups.

When you hear the words “domestic violence” and physical, mental and/or emotional abuse, do you tend to think about women or girls who has been slapped, hit, punched, kicked, bullied, ridiculed, degraded, criticized and humiliated by a man? Domestic violence against women by men who claim to love them has been a serious problem for a very long time, but what about the men? What about men who are abused by women? Why do abused men stay in abusive relationships if it’s so bad, you may wonder.

Some women, girlfriends and wives are physically, mentally and emotionally aggressive in relationships with their boyfriends, partners or husbands. Abused men rarely come forward to share their experiences as domestic abuse victims because of fear. Abused men stay in abusive relationships and marriages for much the same reasons abused woman stay, with fear being the primary reason.

Men who are abused are often afraid of being stigmatized by others with fear of being labeled a dependent, spineless doormat, passive-aggressive “wimp” or “whipped” man with low self-worth. Men who are abused are often too afraid to tell or admit to others that they are being mentally or emotionally abused, if not physically, and view telling as a loss of their manhood.

The statistics for abused men who are beaten or battered by the women who claim to love them say that men are abused more than women are abused, battered, beaten and bruised by men. Unfortunately, physically abused and battered men tend not to call the police or report the abuse they have suffered at the hands of girlfriends or wives, and even when these men do call the police to report the violence, they’re pleas for help are often ignored.

The myths about abused men are astounding. Teen boys and men who are abused need to identify and recognize the warning signs of abusive relationships and take action. Love Doesn’t Hurt. Teenage girls, women or wives who are physical, emotional or psychological abusers gradually chip away at a man’s feelings of self-worth and independence in the same way angry, controlling, abusive men act towards women.

Emotionally Abused Men

Male victims of emotional abuse may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or marriage, often ignoring the symptoms that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship that can so quickly become physically abusive. Emotional abuse includes verbal attacks such as yelling, blaming, ridiculing, name-calling, intimidation, controlling behaviors, isolation from family or friends, shaming, threats of physical violence and more. Abuse of any kind – physical, mental or emotional abuse is an absolute deal breaker in my book and should be for anyone who experiences domestic violence in some form or fashion.

The scars of having been emotionally abused are very real and run very, very deep. Emotional abuse often escalates to the point of physical abuse and battery. Even death. Abusers do not change. Let me repeat that: Abusers do not change, and if you are a man or teenage boy who feels he must “walk on eggshells” around his partner, girlfriend or wife in order to “keep the peace” and try to prevent her from having a conniption fit about everything or anything – you are very likely in an unhealthy, controlling, abusive relationship and need to get out now.

See Toxic Relationships-Toxic Family Members for help figuring out if your girlfriend or wife is toxic or not.

There are many signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, and they are much the same as those that apply to women who are abused by men. Physically or emotionally abused men must not be allow abusive women to control them any longer. Not for one more minute, not for one more hour, and definitely not for one more day of their lives.

Having heard from several men who felt they were pressured into marriage by emotionally abusive girlfriends, plus having written articles about women abused by men, I feel a responsibility and desire to address the issues involving abused men.

Just as I recommended to these men that they read the book, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence authored by Phillip W. Cook, I implore and strongly suggest that men who feel they are being physically, mentally or emotionally abused by a partner, girlfriend or wife to not only read the abused men book but also seek help now. Your very life may depend on it.

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46 Responses to “Abused Men: Battered and Emotionally Abused Male Victims of Domestic Violence”

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  1. logan says:

    I am writing this because I have been told this is happening to me. I trust the people telling me, but I just don’t know. I only know that I feel bad enough now that I have seriously considered killing myself. I have planned, and covered all thoughts and actions around this. After many months now I have grown comfortable with it, and now almost welcome the chance to stop the pain I am in. There is no fear, no sadness, no apprehension. I even had a blog where I tried to put the feelings out there. I actually got no response. The comment about “walking on eggshells” almost made me choke because I have used the same words to describe where I am now.

    • Jessica says:

      Without having seen your blog, I suspect you got no response for a couple of reasons. Strong possibility that people didn’t believe you – there’s so much fake stuff on the internet that we should all be cautious with what we accept as truth. Another possibility is that the people who believed you didn’t feel qualified to comment on a dire situation. I would put myself in that camp. Sheesh, even the advice columnists, people paid to respond, recognize situations beyond their expertise and refer the letter writer to a professional.

      I don’t have the answer for you, but I have noticed in my own life that when I am feeling down, lonely, or lost … going on the internet has only reinforced those feelings. When I’m in that place, I have learned that’s when I call a friend and make plans that get me out of the house, out of my own head. It doesn’t fix things, but the change of scenery (physical & mental) feels like a life saver. After that, I am able to remind myself to be brave and face whatever it is that is getting me down. I don’t mean to sound like Pollyanna, but in my experience, the dread is usually worse than the reality when I finally act. I now try to minimize the dread.

      There are others on this forum with more experience in this and suggestions of more concrete steps for you to take and I defer to them. Good luck.

  2. val DiGiorgio says:

    Please refrain from criticism anout this situation: My boyfriend is in an abusive marriage; afraid to get out. He was upfront with me when we first started dating ten years ago. His marriage had technically but not legally been over for five years prior to meeting me. He has his own room and they basically exist as roommates. He’s always on eggshells around her. He hates going home except for the fact that his kids live there. He had low self esteem when we first started dating; it took me years to get him to acknowledge that he IS handsome & intelligent.

    She lives beyond their means as a way of further controlling him, besides being passive aggressive and verbally abusive. Because she’s spending money faster than he can make it, he can’t afford to move out. Because of her, and the stress he’s under, he suffers from migraines. When we’ve spent a week or more together, he NEVER has migraines.

    He’s a very gentle man; he’s 6’4/220 lbs and he’s a police officer. I think that’s what makes it even harder for him to admit to being abused by her. He’s told me that she’s mentally unstable, & that he never knows what to expect when he gets home.

    After 8 years of dating him, she found out about us, & now I fear for his life. She’s very vindictive, & ever since she found out, his health has been suffering. He’s a marathon runner, works out religiously, eats healthy, organic foods, watches his sugar & salt intake, but has been so stressed by her in the past year that he’s had several episodes of passing out from low blood sugar, & has been hospitalized several times because of his blood sugar as well as because of chest pains that turned out to be panic attacks.

    I think she’s slowly killing him with her toxicity. I’ve been buying him supplements for his blood sugar and his heart, as well as to help him sleep. A few years ago he was diagnosed as pre diabetic, & has consulted with his dr about all the supplements I give him to help keep his stress levels down, like St. John’s wort, melatonin, Sam-E, COQ-10, etc.

    looking back at some emails he’s sent me over the years, it’s obvious he’s been depressed for quite some time, & it’s getting progressively worse because she is being more abusive towards him. He tells me when she “blows up” on him, but doesn’t go into detail about it because I think he’s ashamed or embarrased.

    We’re closer than any two people I know, & he has confided in me about many intense subjects, but won’t go jnto detail about the abuse because I think he feels like less of a man, especially since he’s a big guy & a cop. We’ve discussed spending the rest of our lives together, but he’s afraid to get divorced because of what she’ll do.

    I don’t know how to help him. He can’t afford a place of his own, not just because she’s keeping him in debt, but he’s also paying his parents mortgage on top of his own, & she’s unemployed. I’m willing to buy him a 5th wheel and some land to live on, just so he can escape and have a place of his own until we figure something else out. (I’m unemployed but will do whatever it takes to keep him safe and get his health, both physical & emotional, back on track).

    Whats most important to me is his health-emotional & physical, & that he gets out of the negative environment that he’s in, not just to be with me, but for his own personal safety & well being, whether we ultimately end up together or not.

    Any help would be greatly appreciated.