Are you an abused husband? Teenage boys, is your girlfriend abusing you? Does your wife, partner or girlfriend physically, mentally, emotionally or financially abuse you? What should abused men do if they are married to an abusive wife who is verbally, mentally, emotionally or perhaps even physically abusing her husband? Parents, have you taught your sons and daughters to identify the warning signs of abusive relationships, so they know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, in order to avoid becoming an abuse victim?
If you have sons or daughters who are dating or married, how would you react if you discovered they were being abused by the person who claims to love them? If you are a man who is dealing with an abusive spouse or partner, in or outside of the marriage covenant, the psychological damage of being an abused man by the woman you love must be heartbreaking for you.
Relationship Abuse by Abusive Women
Over the last several months, I have received numerous emails from men who say that their wife or girlfriend is not only verbally and emotionally abusive to them but also, in many cases, physically abusive. I am quite familiar with the reported statistics regarding abused men, just as I know the statistics about abused women. Unfortunately, those statistics do not tell the whole story because so many abused men and women do not report the abuse to the police, in order for there to be an accurate and updated database to go by.
Men who are abused by wives, girlfriends or significant others are much less likely to report the abuse to the police than women are, because society in general has not recognized, supported or provided the help, advice and assistance abused men want, need and deserve. Grown men and teenage boys are often left to suffer relationship abuse in silence while the emotional, mental and physical abuse by abusive women and girlfriends takes its toll on their victims.
Emotionally Abused Men
Emotionally abused men, even if not physically battered or beaten, are having their self-esteem and sense of “manhood” and masculinity destroyed from the inside out. There are no visible scars, wounds or bruises to use as evidence to prove to the police or anyone else that these men are being abused by their wives or girlfriends. But make no mistake, the wounds, bruises and scars of being verbally and mentally abused are obvious and constantly felt by the victim.
The shame, embarrassment and fear abused husbands and men feel about being laughed at, criticized and ridiculed by society, police and the court system must feel unbearable. Mentally and emotionally abused men are routinely put down, criticized and ridiculed by their own wives and girlfriends, only to be victimized again by society and those in uniform whose job it is to serve and protect law-abiding citizens.
Even when abused men or husbands choose to leave the relationship and get a divorce, they must face the uphill battle in divorce court to not lose everything they have worked so hard to achieve in life; fight the devastating child custody and visitation battles; deal with false accusations and threats from their abusive spouse, and the dirty tricks shoddy divorce lawyers use to win court cases for their clients. Men, what is on your list of non-negotiable deal breakers for the protection of your health and well-being?
Physically Abused Men
Single and married men are also physically abused and battered by the women in their lives. There is no difference between the kind of abuse women suffer from abusive men and the abuse men suffer at the hands of angry, controlling and abusive women. Abuse is abuse is abuse. Mentally and emotionally abusive relationships often lead to physical abuse at some point, so if you are man or teenage boy in a relationship where nothing physical has occurred yet, don’t be too quick to assume physical abuse won’t happen. It’s important to understand the four types of abusive behaviors that abusers inflict on those they claim to love, because one often accompanies the others, eventually.
A physically abusive relationship often begins with a “one-time” slap, kick or punch during a fight or argument, followed by the promise that “it will never happen again”, but it happens again the next time the couple has a fight. Thus begins the cycle of abuse. The “honeymoon phase” of the cycle includes plenty of good times together for the couple, where everything is peachy-keen (or seems to be), until the pendulum swings the other way and the next argument erupts and is worse than the last one.
If she will hit you once, she WILL hit you again. And again.
Abused men or teen boys know they are being abused by their spouse or girlfriend, but feel shame and helpless about what to do. Boys are often raised by parents to “never hit a girl”, even when circumstances require him to defend themselves against a violent attack in some way. When a man tries to defend himself while he is being battered, beaten, kicked or even stabbed by his wife or girlfriend, the men I’ve heard from say they are the ones who are arrested and hauled off to jail on battery charges. What happened to the women who viciously attacked these men? Nothing. Not a darn thing.
Unmarried, single men or teenage boys in abusive relationships should absolutely leave the relationship, walk away and never look back. What should abused husbands do? Leave and get a divorce lawyer and file for divorce, just like that? How do men, who have been mentally, verbally, physically and/or emotionally abused by their heartless wives, win child custody battles in divorce court without stooping to dirty lawyer tactics? What about the children of these marriages and relationships?
These are just some of the questions abused men have asked, and I will do my best to answer these questions and more in coming articles. Having had personal experience with an abusive marriage relationship many years ago, I get it. I get why these abused men stay and why they haven’t packed up and left their abusers saying “Eat My Dust!”. Yet. These men are filled with fear, but they are making needed changes in their attitudes towards the abuse and their abusers, and I’m betting that this year will be their year to break free from the abuse.
Do you have any suggestions, advice or tips for abused men you would like to share? Are you a man who is or was in an abusive relationship with a story to tell? Share your comments and thoughts below.
Similar Posts:
- Abused Men: Battered and Emotionally Abused Male Victims of Domestic Violence
- Husband Abuse: Mentally, Physically and Emotionally Abused Men
- Oprah Warns Rihanna: Oprah Warns Rihanna, Love Doesn’t Hurt
- How To Deal With Teenage Abusive Relationships
- Abusive Marriage – How to Leave Abusive Marriages or Abusive Relationships
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Hi Lin,
My parents are still married … over 40 years. Sure they argued, but never fought physically.
So, at 23 years old, when I got married for the first time, it was quite the shock to my system when I found myself playing “duck and cover” as objects (and fists) whizzed past my head on what sometimes seemed like a daily basis.
That was just a couple of months into it. I stayed married to her for almost 9 more years. Over the course of time, I’d love to say that I continued to always be “completely innocent” … but I’m more honest than that. Should have gotten out much sooner … I’d be way prouder of my past.
Happily, in my current relationship, we rarely raise voices … let alone fists.
Quick story from my first marriage, that I think illustrates some of the difficulties men in these situations can sometimes face due to societal expectations …
One day I came home from work, and things quickly devolved into raised voices and name calling (oddly, it had never occurred to me that I might be a “lazy, worthless, piece of crap”)
At that point, I was definitely still in my “I need to get away from this situation” frame of mind … so I left the house, and went to my parking space across the street, where I locked myself in my car.
Lovely ex-wife, proceeds to follow me with a broom … demanding that I unlock the door and get out. When I refuse, she starts beating on the hood of my car with the broom.
About this time, there is a police officer with a dog, doing a foot patrol through the neighborhood. She approaches my wife, and I think ok, at least she’ll put the broom down.
The officer reaches the car, and I roll down the window. The officer than turns to my ex wife, and asks her …
“Ma’am, are you ok? … is HE hurting you?”
To this day, almost 2 decades later, I still can’t believe what I heard with my own ears.
Seriously?
Hi Todd,
Your story is similar in some ways to some of the others men have shared with me. The ridiculous assumption that men and husbands can’t be abused by their wives or girlfriends because men are bigger, stronger yadda yadda is pathetic. If guys even try to defend themselves and perhaps there are scratches or marks on the female from his attempts to protect himself without actually attacking her back, these guys are basically laughed at by police officers and others. The guys go to jail while the perpetrator stays behind acting like SHE is the victim! I read somewhere online where women were asking if it were even possible for a wife to abuse her husband. Hell YES wives and women abuse their husbands, boyfriends and S.O’s and the ought to be ashamed of themselves! And thrown in jail!
I’m glad you found the strength and courage to get a divorce and move on. Several of the men I’ve heard from aren’t (yet) experiencing physical abuse, but the abuse is mental and emotional and these guys feel so empty inside of their soul, it’s verrrry sad. The depression some of them feel because their self esteem has been eroded to close to nothing, and fear of trying to save themselves and get out of the relationship makes some of them feel stuck. Most have at least one child and they’re afraid of what would happen to their child if he doesn’t win the custody battle that they feel is inevitable. Some mentioned their fear of the child’s mother carrying out her threats of preventing the men from seeing their child, and the horrible things the mother says about her husband TO the child to make him look bad in the kids eyes. Using the kids as pawns basically, and I hear stories like that quite often. A really good divorce attorney who specializes in child custody and family law, and who believe that men/husbands are just as capable of having custody of their children as women, is number one on my list.
Oh yes, I’ve got some stories I could tell on this topic. But, as you mentioned, even though it’s pretty well in my past now, “reminiscing” about these events can still be kind of a bummer.
I will share one last comment/story regarding your point in the 1st paragraph of your reply, then I’m gonna leave this topic alone …
Again, early in our marriage, I did actually pick up the phone and start to dial the police a couple of times when she would get violent. You know what she told me? …
“Go ahead and call them, I’ll just go upstairs and bang my head against the door until I bleed … I’ll say you hit me … who do you think they’ll believe?”
Don’t get me wrong, even with my personal experiences, I still think that the great majority of domestic violence is perpetuated by males against females. (ie, my ex-wife probably had a good point, that the cops would have believed her … and not necessarily unreasonably, on their part)
But anyone who thinks that it can’t (or doesn’t) happen the other way around … more often than you might imagine … is not looking at the subject objectively.
Thanks for posting these articles.
Todd, your ex is a nutcase and lots of men “out there” are dealing with women just like or similar to your ex.
You’re right when you say that anyone that thinks that men can’t or aren’t abused in or outside of marriage doesn’t know the facts.
I hope you’ll stick around in case abused men or husbands decide to chime in, or are in need of some support or advice.
todd it does happen, I was in a abusive marriage but i was the women, mine ended as he had asthma attack at work. god had mercy on me. but i met a man and now we are engaged, he sat down and told me his storys. his ex and her mother mentally abused him for years driving him to the only out he had a affair, it was wrong but he at that point was hopeless and she gave him what he missed for so long. the just finalized their divorce, he sstill co dependent on her. her hook to pull him back in is if you put me in jail what will happen to our kids they will hate you. her latest was the estate his fathers removed her from home she told kids daddy kicked us out. she wants 31.50 for soccer by friday or hes in contempot of court. doesnt say when its to be paid she wants it now. she wants him to quite school work 3 jobs and give her more money . get the piture I need help making him understand he and he alone can stop this by taking action on the continued abuse she is harrassing him thru letters and he thinks it will go away . any advise for him anyone help we want peace in our lifes and for kids.
use a tape recorder and get it on tape
women can be verbally abusive and they are heartless
everybody out there if you have a witch wife I FEEL FOR YOU MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
My son is with a women from He–. I can’t count the number of times he had to dis- own his family because of her. She puts him down in front of people and now uses F.B. to do it for over 500 or more of her friends. I can’t seem to reach him and show him that he deserves to be happy. What can a mother do??? Please give me some sujestions, as I am at the end of my rope with him and her. There is also grand kids that are being hurt too. He lives over 500 miles so there is no way to just talk to him with out his wife. Thanks Sharon
Hi Sharon,
As hard as it may be to accept, there isn’t much that you can do until your son comes to the realization on his own and actually wants/asks for help to get out. You can be supportive if/when he contacts you upset and hurt and in need of someone to talk to. He has to choose and decide for himself what he will or won’t put up with. The concerns men often have about “losing their children” in a divorce oftentimes keeps them with the spouse for some time, but some get to a point where they realize their own happiness and their children’s longterm wellbeing (mentally, emotionally, physically, etc) is more important than staying in a bad relationship and do leave. It’s incredibly sad how some spouses use social networking sites to bash their spouse, but it happens alot these days. I’ve always had the thought that anytime someone disses their spouse to other people, it really says more about the gossiper than the person being put down. It has to be incredibly hard for you to know how she’s treating your own son, to his face or by talking garbage to others online or offline. As hard as it may be, it’s really important not to get mixed up in the nonsense she’s doing because anything you might say or do to help will only be twisted around and you’re made out to be the bad guy. Your son will either choose to stay for whatever reasons he has, or he will at some point choose to leave. Just be there for him and the grandkids as best you can. Even if you tried to talk to him personally, or them together, and express how you feel when she talks about your son the way she does and how she treats him, the response from either or both of them towards what they might think is “meddling” on your part could make matters much worse and cause some retaliation towards you by not letting you see or speak to the grandkids. He’s a grown man and has to decide for himself. Hang in there.
Lin, thanks so much for highlighting this important and heartbreaking issue. I knew a couple in college where the female routinely pounded the male when she got drunk and angry. We didn’t stay friends too long, and he ended up leaving her and moving to a different country!
I wish there was something for abused husbands. I spent 20 years being verbally abused by a wife who cared about nothing but herself. She abused our kids as well. I filed for divorce after finally seeing a doctor who suggested I take my son and leave.
I wanted to play by the rules and worked within the system, yet we just had our temporary hearing in Dubuque Iowa and my doctor testified, my two adult kids testified, my own wife admitted she wanted to kill herself and that she’s been on bipolar meds for 10 years.
After all of that, the judge, who apparently didn’t hear any of the testimony have temp custody to my wife. The judges and laws in this country are so one sided and don’t give a guy a chance. I was brought up to respect women, yet I was hit and yelled at, called very bad names and after the judge ruled and obviously doesn’t care…it was as if I relived each day all at once. I have no help it seems. Alone in Dubuque Iowa.
Krecker,
It’s stories like yours that I’ve been hearing so much about in recent months, and it’s unfortunate that the laws and judges don’t seem to get the message that wives DO abuse their husbands, and far too often the abusing spouse/wife is given custody of the kids. The notion that kids should always be raised primarily by the mother in a custody fight is ludicrous, especially when there has been testimony and eye witness accounts of abuse. I really do hope you have a tough lawyer who will fight the judge’s ruling and keep on fighting to get custody of the kids. Men who are abused by their wives should not be victimized all over again by the court system and idiotic judges who don’t care or at least ACT like they don’t care. The ones who lose the most are the children. Hang in there and keep fighting!
You’re right when you say that anyone that thinks that men can’t or aren’t abused in or outside of marriage doesn’t know the facts.I hear stories like that quite often. A really good divorce attorney who specializes in child custody and family law, and who believe that men/husbands are just as capable of having custody of their children as women.I need help making him understand he and he alone can stop this by taking action on the continued abuse she is harrassing him thru letters and he thinks it will go away .
I am a 31 yr old recently divorced husband with a 2yr old girl. I was emotionally and mentally abused for the five years I was married. She started hitting me when she in the beginning of our marriage but I held her back standing my ground. Then the emotional abuse and manipulation began. I had no confidence in myself and was secretly drinking and smoking to cope daily. It wasn’t until I had a love affair with an woman whom was also engaged to an abusive partner. We both got caught mainly due to investigators my x wife had hired. She never had money to go to counseling but she had money for pi. Well needless to say my love affair has ended, I got divorced three months ago but an still living in the same apartment due to fear for my daughter. I’ve been going to counseling and am starting to realize that I’ve been in denial about this whole dv situation. My x wants me to stay “for the family” and I thought it was the right thing to do because she has been very supportive and loving ever since the affair but now I think that I am just in a honeymoon phase. I want to leave but I am scared for my daughter and I’m still hopeful that she has changed. Don’t get me wrong I am not perfect but I can’t go back to the way it was without killing my spirit and love of life. I don’t know know what to do. I think if she did change why so suddenly after the affair. She ,mentioned to me the other day that she has has some thoughts of “seriously hurting me” but that sue ignores them. My counselor says I need to develop a “safety plan” but this is all happening so fast and I am hopeful she has changed. It is strange to fear the one you love. Is it truly better to be all on my own?
Ernesto,
No one should ever feel fear with the one they love. Ever. People don’t change their abusive behaviors and attitudes quickly, so I can only assume you’re very much in the midst of the kinder part of the abusive cycle. It won’t last – it never does.
Your counselor is right when saying you need to create a safety plan of getting away and out of the abuse. Not only for yourself but also for your child. Kids learn what they live and you don’t want your child to grow up thinking this type of relationship is normal and acceptable – or she will grow up and get involved with the same type person who will abuse her too, because she grew up believing it’s normal to act this way. She’ll believe she deserves to be abused, and will stay in it and struggle with the same questions and doubts you have right now.
I also agree that you’re in denial about the true nature of your relationship. Don’t leave your child with an abusive spouse; take her with you! If you decide to get a divorce to protect yourself and your child from further abuse (abusers rarely ever truly change), get a good lawyer who will fight like H*** in court for you to have custody of your child, to protect her from abuse. Document each incident of mental, emotional and physical abuse inflicted on you by your wife. Call the police and file a police report about each time she is abusive towards you. Those documents can be very helpful in court to ensure your child’s interests are protected, perhaps with supervised visitations etc. At least have a good, detailed consultation with a good divorce lawyer about your situation and the laws in your state, and get some good informed legal options to decide. Good luck!
Thankyou for your advice. It was nice to have someone remind me that I’m in a cycle.
Hi Lin,
I’m 23 years old. I’ve been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 15. Things were great when we first started going out. His father was an alcoholic, and at 15 my husband could down liquor. Probably should have been my first red flag. In our senior year of high school, he became very jealous and possessive and I merely thought ,as a lot of high school girls, he just really loves me. As the jelousy got worse, the violence began. It started out with a push which gradually turned into slapping, kicking, and choking. In February of 2009, I had had enough. I pressed charges and got a restraining order. At 23 years old and a toddler with him, I finally left. I’ve never been happier. He calls a lot to beg my forgiveness although in the apology he’ll find a way to blame me and make me feel bad for my actions. The only problem is is as a single mother with a lot of bills, I can’t afford a divorce. One of my friends told me if I had proof of the abuse (and I do) that I can get help with the cost of the divorce. I’ve searched the internet and can’t find anything about it. Would you know anything?
Hi Susie,
There are what are commonly referred to as Pro Bono Lawyers and Pro Bono Divorce Lawyers, or even Low Income Divorce Lawyers that specialize in family law situations. Here is a short list of Dallas area Pro Bono Divorce Lawyers for you to check out. Good luck to you, and watch out for those ridiculous “apologies” that you obviously can see right through. Good for you!
Legal Aid of Northwest Texas 1515 Main Street Dallas, TX 75201 Phone: 214-742-5768 Fax: 214-698-1106
Dallas Legal Hospice 3626 N. Hall Street Dallas, TX 75219 Phone: 214-521-6622 Fax: 214-941-2205
Dallas CASA 2816 Swiss Ave Dallas, TX 75204-5958 Phone: 214-827-8961 Fax: 214-827-8973
Dallas Tenants’ Association Housing Crisis Center 3108 Live Oak St Dallas, TX 75204-6174 Phone: 214-828-4244 Fax: 214-828-9623
National Fathers Resource Center – Fathers for Equal Rights, Inc. PO Box 50052 Dallas, TX 75201-3523 Phone: 214-953-2233 Fax: 214-953-0633
Susie, here are a few more options for you in the Dallas TX area.
Lawyers Against Domestic Violence – Women’s Legal Advocacy Center 1515 Main Street Dallas, TX 75201 (214) 748-1234 Lower Level Fax (214) 760-7839 (Legal Staff) 1st Floor Fax (214) 748-1159 (Legal Staff) 2nd Floor Fax (214) 748-8773 (Legal Staff)
Legal Services of North Texas 888-529-5277 or 214-744-5277 (Dallas)
Dallas Bar Association & Mexican-American Bar Legal Line 214-969-7066 (Dallas) 2nd & 3rd Wednesdays of each month, 5-9 p.m.
Dallas Volunteer Attorney Program 214-742-5768 (Dallas) Dallas Legal Hospice 214-521-6622 (Dallas)
Legal Services of North Texas 800-246-1300 (Dallas)
I am glad I found this website. I am married since 7 years with am abusive woman. I am working full time while she is staying home with our kids. Regardless, she comes between 5-6am into my room and drops our 1.5 year old girl who is crying into my bed and tells me I have to help. If the little one gets up and walks to her in the kitchen, my wife will explode and yell my name over and over. When I come to get my daughter she yells at me saying that I have to help and why I am so selfish that I don’t see that she needs help. 5 minutes later she yells my name again and wants me to drop off the little one at the table. Then I leave and 5 minutes later she yells at me again, over and over and demands that I hold the little one again, and she says don’t you see that I can’t eat like that ? This happens every morning, every day. Her ex is always around, she invites him to every possible occasion. And of course if he is around and I am around I have to be the babysitter so she can do whatever she thinks she has to do. When I ask her why she is making food for her ex or why she is doing this and that for him and not for me, she gets extremely angry and tells me if I don’t like it I can leave, and that I need a psychologist because of my stupid jealousy. I see her yelling at the kids from morning to the evening. She leaves the house with them yelling and returns yelling. Often times my older daughter comes to me crying and tells me how hurt she is about this. What’s interesting is, whenever I try to put some sense into my wife she is saying ‘THIS’ is all because I don’t help enough. She says she doesn’t kiss me or sleep with me because I DON”T inspire her. The last times she forgot fathers’ day, and my birthday, when I tried to talk with her she got furious and told me it was my fault because this and that. She doesn’t go to work but wants to put our older daughter in a extremely expensive private school, and demands that I get a 2nd job besides my full time job and me going to college at night. The kids are not allowed to eat candy, watch TV or play video games because apparently it is so bad for them. Subsequently, I am the one who has to entertain them cause my wife fails at that very quickly and of course freaks out, screams and yells and blames me and everybody for the stress.
i just really don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t have family here in the states, and while I really want to leave, I am so worried for my kids. I just wish I was dead, really. Thanks for reading.
Johnathan,
First and foremost, I am so glad you have been researching information about abused husbands. Your situation definitely describes the mental and emotional abuse wives sometimes inflict on their husbands. It’s not going to change, but can very easily get worse, much much worse.
You’ve been mentally and emotional (physically?) beaten down by your wife for all these years, and your children are also suffering as well. It’s time to take stock of the situation you are in and begin to take needed steps to get both you and your kids out of the abusive home environment.
Yes, divorce court and custody battles can be overwhelming, financially, mentally and emotionally exhausting etc. You may or may not “win” custody of your kids, but you can find a really good tough divorce lawyer who understands and perhaps even specializes in abused husband cases who will fight tooth and nail for you and your children.
Your kids need you to be strong. You may very well need professional help through counseling for awhile, to help you come to terms with the abusive marriage and its affect on you and your kids. You need to be strong.
While I understand and acknowledge that some divorced couples are able to become “friends” to some degree after their divorce, the fact that your wife continues to spend so much time with him and does so much for him as you stated, creates questions and doubts about her faithfulness in your marriage. Perhaps she’s cheating on you, perhaps not, but the red flags are there.
I strongly recommend that you find a divorce attorney in your local area and have a detailed consultation appointment with him or her, to learn the specific details of your rights per the laws in your state. Today if possible. If the divorce lawyer does not specialize in abusive marriage cases, perhaps he/she can refer you to one that will go to bat for you and really make sure every legal right and privilege available to you is fought for.
You have rights, so fight for them. Your kids have rights, so fight for them too. There are shelters for abused husbands/men as well, so research those as well. You do not have to put up with your wife abusing you and treating you like dirt. Before leaving the home (hopefully with your children), be sure to speak with a good divorce attorney to find out if in your state there are any penalties to the person who leaves the home. Apparently, some states don’t look well upon a husband or wife who leaves the family home while seeking a divorce, and doing so MAY make it difficult for the person who left to receive everything they are rightly due in regards to the possible sale of the home and even custody of the children. Get a lawyer Johnathan, a really good divorce lawyer. Make your plan and work your plan. Good luck! Don’t give up!
Thank you for your kind words. I live in Austin, Texas, so I would imagine there must be plenty of lawyers / counselors around here.
I just feel so weird because I am sitting in a public library typing these words. I simply had to leave the house and she is believing I am at work …just trying to get some time to breathe. If I was at home I would probably be in full schedule under her commands / threats.
Anyways, thanks for your response.
It’s good that you’re taking some time to yourself, to think clearly and catch your breath. Take the whole day if you need to, but spend your time getting a clear view of the reality of your situation, so you can make a plan for yourself. Be verrrry careful who you choose to discuss the situation with. Make sure anyone you talk to about this is someone very trustworthy to not spread the news to anyone, and I mean anyone. Perhaps a trustworthy family member, even out of state, who can be a way of support for you during this time and perhaps can offer ideas and suggestions – and maybe even a place to stay should it come to that. Get your thoughts and emotions together – really see the situation as it truly is, and begin your plan with the help of a good lawyer. It’s time to be free of abuse, both for yourself and your children.
I’ve been married for more than 2 yeasr to a woman who I was engaged to for 8 years. I admit to not being the perfect husband especially after my former company fired me due to some trumped up charges. I filed a suit and won but during the 7 months that I didnt have a job and we were living with her parents, I felt that she was slowly taking away my self esteem. Telling me how I should be this and how I can do that or I can work for this company or be something that Im not. I felt that she was not happy with who I was. About this time, she started hitting me. It began with random punches and blows to the chest but escalated to the use of weapons. During one argument she took a belt, looked for the buckle and swung it at me. She even attempted to blind me by spraying my eyes with lysol. She tried stabbing with a pen and basically hit me with whatever she can get her hands on. I left her then but our families stepped in and tried to make us attend counselling so we decided to get back together and get our own place. I was feeling really good that the abuse was over but during one argument she swung a power strip at me and drew blood. One time when she was getting frisky, I tried to indulge her but being so tired I dozed off and I awoke while she was trying to pull my shorts and she had a pair of scissors in her hand. That was the scariest night of my life.
Now we have been separated for almost a month and I wonder why I miss her after all the things she’s done to me.
Hi Joe,
What a scary, life threatening story you have gone through with your wife. It’s no wonder you were so scared – she could have killed you! From you’ve described at the hands of your wife, you’ve been an abused husband in every way there is. Phyically, oh my goodness, and how. Emotionally, mentally, you name it.
It’s not really uncommon for men with abusive wives (or abused women, for that matter) to experience feelings of missing their abusive partner from time to time. Thoughts and memories of the good times, times when you laughed and had fun together, can sometimes cause doubts in a person’s mind about whether to leave and get a divorce or not. Or, go to counseling together and try to work things out.
The problem comes in when abused men or women downplay or virtually ignore the reality that they’re in an abusive relationship, and that they may very well be putting their very lives in danger by staying. The reality of your situation with your wife is that she has already shown, proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, that is not only capable of extreme abuse towards you, but she is also very capable of killing you – based on what you’ve described.
It’s so important for abused men and/or women to face the harsh reality of their abusive marriage, not push the evidence aside and ignore the facts. You of course have to decide for yourself, as does anyone else in an abusive relationship, what and how much abuse you are willing to take or accept. Are you willing to risk losing your life at the hands of your abusive wife, in hopes that she will one day change and see the error of her ways? Love doesn’t hurt. Abuse does.
Your wife’s abusive behaviors towards you does not show proof that she loves you, and it certainly proves she has no respect for you either. Take a good, hard, long look at your marriage over these years to your wife and really see clearly for yourself whether or not you truly believe that your marriage has been one of love, honor, cherish, respect, and all the other qualities in a good, healthy marriage. Good luck Joe!
I was compelled to post after noticing the most recent post was on my birthday. I am wrapping up a masters program in Mental Health Counseling. My final term I am taking an Abusive Relationships class. After several weeks of class and study I have realized there is no mention of women being the abusers and men being the abused. I am appalled. Having survived and emotionally abusive relationship for ten years myself, and being free for the last four years I would have thought I would have noticed my male friend was in an emotionally abusive marriage. After some internet research I am sure of it. I knew his experiences in his marriage was parallel to my past emotionally abusive relationship, but it just never dawned on me. It is scary that I am weeks away from completing a degree of being a therapist, and I never noticed. Unfortunately, I cannot share my discovery due to his wife not allowing me to talk to him. May the Universe show him the path to freedom. I found mine and the road is tough, but far better than a lifetime of abuse.
Jess, I agree that it is appalling that your abusive relationships class has no mention of women abusers. I personally find it appalling as well. In my opinion, mental health specialists and relationship counselors should absolutely be taught about the prevalence of girlfriend and/or wife abusers, the most recent and relevant statistics, and most definitely the importance of training counselors how to respond and help these abused men. Society in general does not take husband abuse or boyfriend abuse seriously, almost acting as if such abuse cases are laughable. They’re not funny, they’re serious, and these guys need help just as much as abused women do. I too hope your friend is able to come to realize his personal situation and get the help he needs.
Hi Lin,
I’m girlfriend of an divoiced abused husband, who suffered fron mentally, physically and emotionally abuse from his ex for more than ten years. Now he is still struggling with winning the custody battle after divoiced for more than two years. And it’s horrible that his ex says about hin and me TO the child to make us look bad in the kids eyes. Using the kids as pawns to continue to dominate his life even that she remarried now.
Do you know any tough laywer specializes in child custody and family law for this kind of case in CT? The sutiation is very hard for our relationship. I love him so much, but feel helpless very often. We both need support. But it’s not easy to get support.
I’m so glad to find out this website and all sharing here. It help me a lot.
I’ve been married 7 years to an emotional and verbally abusive woman. I’m amazed at how everyone at work thinks she’s so wonderful. Every holiday season she begins with the sarcasm and cutting comments until an argument ensues, which ruins the holiday. Of course she never apologizes and blames me for making her angry. This season she announced that she wanted to start going church downtown which is a 45 minute drive each way. I suggested that she go to a church closer to us to save gas money and she exploded. She told me how I hated God and have been always plotting to stop her from going to church. She said “the devil acts in mysterious ways and he’s active in you!”. Now I’m wondering if she’s going to stab me in my sleep sometime to purge the demons. The problem is since we lost our business (another long story) I have no financial independence. I know she’ll never get better, so I can only hope to find a job and escape this woman.
I’m going thru a situation right now w me futuer ex wife. But I also have been going thru same stuff over and over again for almost the past 10 years. In and outta jail 3 differant times for domestic but she was always the aggreser yet I’d be the 1 going to jail for it because they would always believe her lies. In this situation right now tho has me wondering what the hay is happening. She was finally arrested for domestic and ofcaurse aromaticly an order if protection was put against her and I should had custady of my kids. But with my permission her mama took the kids but was suppose to bring kids back to me after everything was settaled down. She went to jail and her mama never brought the kids back to me. 2 days later she goes to haven of hope and never told them she was arrested and was able to get a restraining order on me by telling them that I am a child abuser. ( that’s bullcrap). The cops made me leave the house and she got the kids aswell. Went to court about the 1 that she got on me already but nit on her arrest yet. Anyway the judge and her family are good friends and never recused himself and let the both of them stand up thier and said I was a child abuser. He drop the order and put a no-contact on her and I but told her and her mama that he wasn’t going to keep my kids away from me and that I was allowed to see my kids and talk to my kids and yet to this day she will not let me see them or talk to them. My oldest step daughters calls me a week later and tellsme that mama told them that I was NOT allowed to see them or talk to them. Said I didn’t love them anymore is the reason I’m not thier. And a bunch of other lies that I can’t believe she told them. She had to call me and ask if eveything was true in what mama was saying. Ofcaurse I said NO. Here it is Christmas time and they won’t let me see my kids. My question is is how the heck can she keep getting away with this crap. I’m left defenclive with no help and I’m just at a lost anymore. It’s ridiculous what woman gets away with.
My adult deaf son has come to me and told me all the abusive things that his wife is doing to him. I, myself, and my family have seen episodes of her behavior slips in front of us in the past.
He has also given me an extensive list of medications that she is giving their child which is followed by a dose of Benadryl (to make her sleep). He has told me and her that he thinks she is overdosing the child and she will not listen to him. We are not allowed to know the extent of the child’s illness nor who is prescribing the medicines. She, herself, is on an antidepressant patch and a sleeping aid. I am terrified that she has harmed my granddaughter and that she will physically attack him. We have tried to talk with her, but now there is NO communication from her. What, what, what do I do?
He is a machinist with limited vocabulary and she is a schoolteacher who knows how to make herself out to be an authority on every type of subject. Who is going to believe the illiterate deaf man when there is a professional woman handing out another story? His work has sent him to a counselor, but she refuses to go.
Where do I start to help him? I know he is an adult and should be able to take care of this himself, but his communcation skills are limited. The only thing that I have gotten through to him is -”Do NOT hit or hurt her”. He has said that he knows that that is what she has been trying to get him to do.
I feel very much sympathy for this family.
I am dating a great guy still trying two years later to divorce his abusive wife. He is truly great, but the abuse he received can shine through and I feel it is now effecting me. We got together as friends, and I did not know the details of the situation but knew it was bad. I had meet the girl before I meet him and only befriended her (small town) as she was that scary I did not want to be an enemy. I have tried to help him as much as I can since we meet. I focus on putting want he wants first, talking reasonably and openly about any subject (especially sex), listening and understanding his emotions and his work life, encouraging him to speak his mind and ask for what he wants when he wants it, and much more. I understand and know that it will take him however long to deal with all of the issues, and that with a finalized divorce it will help him part with the past. However, at times I can see his issues coming through. I can’t have my own emotions without hurting him and bring up past issues for him. Sometime comments which I can understand come up and I tell him it hurts me to hear it, but I don’t even think he realizes what he is saying or how it effects me such as ‘I’m not taking the blame any more’ though nothing has been said about blame I was just quite after a bad day. Other times in an effort to not have past issues come up in our relationship he says things to me that can be baffling such as making plans for the weekend and I don’t want to go out and he persist on me that I am sure that is what I want as he does not want me to be upset later. I get were it is coming from and I talk to him about it, but I am now starting to recognize that I need help to help him, and I need him to seek out help for himself as well before it drives me nuts. I am now taking up the cause to find us help and a safe environment for both of us, but mainly one for him and I am just looking for places to start. As well for legal advice to help him with. I have suggested to him to have the venue moved to the city that we live in now (he moved for his job) to hopefully have a bit more of a sympathetic hearing and to find a better lawyer. Any advice from any one for the Canadian system???
Hi,
I’m approaching 29 years being married, and although there have been some good moments in the past. I can honestly say there has not been 1 good year. How stupid is that? She was an affectionate and attentive girlfriend for the 2 years we were together before marrying, but the disinterest started soon after. We had sex once on our honeymoon. When our second child was born mildly retarded, I quadrupled my efforts to get some sort of attention from her, She takes, somewhat begrudgingly, but does not give. She has not been physically abusive, but it has been so long she she has even reached out to hold my hand in a movie theater, i can’t even remember when(decade(s)). Rarely does she even return one of my hugs. I donn’t believe her to be a bad person, but is certainly warped. She stopped attending counseling when I laid the hard truth out on the table. Any physical or sexual touching between us is sooo sparse, I feel like a perv, and I’m not. She never touches me, sexually or not, yet I feel like a flesh hound. I’m trying to make plans to leave her after my youngest daughter graduates HS in June. I’m usually a good, organized writer, but I’m upset right now, and i can see that my thoughts aren’t flowing very smoothly, so I’ll try to write back later. If ever ther was anybody with low self asteem, you’re talking to him
This is a good site. I was abused by my wife for several years before she abandoned our family. I blamed myself for a long time but have finally reached the point that I realize people are cruel by choice. Yes, I will have to live with her affair and the treatment I received from her but sometimes just surviving is good enough. Never let another person treat you as an option. I have found a much more loving relationship now and feel blessed. Good luck to all the men out there who have suffered at the hand of a selfish woman with a mean streak….don’t take it for one second.
I’m in a horrible situation.
my girlfriend that I have known since 15 is killing me. We are both 42 now. We have 1 son together. He’s a year and half now. She has a daughter and a son from a previous marriage. The daughter is 16 and very, very abusive to all of us. The mother and brother are too scared of her to do anything or tell anyone. I fear for my son.
Over the past two years my girlfriend has slowly turned the tides in the home. Convinced me we only need one car, which is fine for the most part. Her car ofcourse. In my personal opinion she has become completely unstable. She thinks it was okay for her daughter to pin her 10 yearold son down on his stomach and beat the crap out him. He had 32 marks on him. Plus 4 more bite marks that drew blood. The reason she attacked him…. he changed the channel while she was out of the room.
the daughter yanks my son around by the wrists and he cries. I get yelled at by the mother for intervening. Threatened that my son will be taken away from me forever. The daughter is allowed to yell and scream at me and I’m not allowed to say a word. The daughter lies, steals and does anything she wants.
I once got attacked by a mother that said she was letting the local 11 and 12 year Oldsmobile molest her so she could use their phones while she was grounded from hers. She denied it. But I tend to believe 3 different parents than her. Her mother ofcourse believes her even though her daughter was caught having sex many different times. Shes dangerous.
Please help
I’m in nightmare of a relationship. I’m 42 with a 1.5 yearold son. My girlfriend and I live together with her two kids from a previous marriage. The 16 year old daughter is very abusive to everyone and her mother and brother are affraid of her.
she beat her 10 yearold brother up and left 32 marks on his body and 4 extra bitemarks that drew blood. She yanks around my son by his tiny wrists and he cries to get away. My girlfriend and her son are to afraid of her to do or say anything. The mother takes it out on me. Its no big deal…. shut the f up.
She has locked me out of all the accounts and taken everything. ” if I do or say anything, I will never see my son again. She has hidden my house keys and there are times I have been locked out for days.
She protects her daughter out of fear I believe.
I have no family left and I fear for my son.
Her parents are old and say” its okay….. everything will be fine.” Two years ago. It gets so much worse.
I’m afraid I might crack or something.
There is no place for me to leave and take my son away from this madness
What do I do?
Please help
I’ve lived in an abusive marriage for over 5 years. I have severed emotional abuse for long enough and now i feel that time is ripe for me to walk and leave everything and start anew life. I have endured severing for the sake of my 3 kids but i feel that this is the time for me to make a sacrifice by going and looking for peace somewhere else. In Kenya many men beat their wives but i have always chosen to respect my wife despite the abusive nature of our marriage. in Kenya there is only;y one body that purports to-fight this kind of abuse but only if it is mostly physical. but i belief that emotional abuse is more worse than physical abuse. i really need to be helped i have involved all parties my parents her parents her brothers and i have tried all ways.I go to bed hungry many a times not because there is no food but because am so angered and i cant eat or if i do i fear a stomach upset because of the ulcers.am an artist and the sole bread winner of my family i can not concentrate in my work at all i know out there there is someone listening please do advice me.i feel completely drained