Husband Abuse: Abused Husbands and Men in Abusive Relationships

Are you an abused husband? Teenage boys, is your girlfriend abusing you? Does your wife, partner or girlfriend physically, mentally, emotionally or financially abuse you? What should abused men do if they are married to an abusive wife who is verbally, mentally, emotionally or perhaps even physically abusing her husband? Parents, have you taught your sons and daughters to identify the warning signs of abusive relationships, so they know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, in order to avoid becoming an abuse victim?

If you have sons or daughters who are dating or married, how would you react if you discovered they were being abused by the person who claims to love them? If you are a man who is dealing with an abusive spouse or partner, in or outside of the marriage covenant, the psychological damage of being an abused man by the woman you love must be heartbreaking for you.

Relationship Abuse by Abusive Women

Over the last several months, I have received numerous emails from men who say that their wife or girlfriend is not only verbally and emotionally abusive to them but also, in many cases, physically abusive. I am quite familiar with the reported statistics regarding abused men, just as I know the statistics about abused women. Unfortunately, those statistics do not tell the whole story because so many abused men and women do not report the abuse to the police, in order for there to be an accurate and updated database to go by.

Men who are abused by wives, girlfriends or significant others are much less likely to report the abuse to the police than women are, because society in general has not recognized, supported or provided the help, advice and assistance abused men want, need and deserve. Grown men and teenage boys are often left to suffer relationship abuse in silence while the emotional, mental and physical abuse by abusive women and girlfriends takes its toll on their victims.

Emotionally Abused Men

Emotionally abused men, even if not physically battered or beaten, are having their self-esteem and sense of “manhood” and masculinity destroyed from the inside out. There are no visible scars, wounds or bruises to use as evidence to prove to the police or anyone else that these men are being abused by their wives or girlfriends. But make no mistake, the wounds, bruises and scars of being verbally and mentally abused are obvious and constantly felt by the victim.

The shame, embarrassment and fear abused husbands and men feel about being laughed at, criticized and ridiculed by society, police and the court system must feel unbearable. Mentally and emotionally abused men are routinely put down, criticized and ridiculed by their own wives and girlfriends, only to be victimized again by society and those in uniform whose job it is to serve and protect law-abiding citizens.

Even when abused men or husbands choose to leave the relationship and get a divorce, they must face the uphill battle in divorce court to not lose everything they have worked so hard to achieve in life; fight the devastating child custody and visitation battles; deal with false accusations and threats from their abusive spouse, and the dirty tricks shoddy divorce lawyers use to win court cases for their clients. Men, what is on your list of non-negotiable deal breakers for the protection of your health and well-being?

Physically Abused Men

Single and married men are also physically abused and battered by the women in their lives. There is no difference between the kind of abuse women suffer from abusive men and the abuse men suffer at the hands of angry, controlling and abusive women. Abuse is abuse is abuse. Mentally and emotionally abusive relationships often lead to physical abuse at some point, so if you are man or teenage boy in a relationship where nothing physical has occurred yet, don’t be too quick to assume physical abuse won’t happen. It’s important to understand the four types of abusive behaviors that abusers inflict on those they claim to love, because one often accompanies the others, eventually.

A physically abusive relationship often begins with a “one-time” slap, kick or punch during a fight or argument, followed by the promise that “it will never happen again”, but it happens again the next time the couple has a fight. Thus begins the cycle of abuse. The “honeymoon phase” of the cycle includes plenty of good times together for the couple, where everything is peachy-keen (or seems to be), until the pendulum swings the other way and the next argument erupts and is worse than the last one.

If she will hit you once, she WILL hit you again. And again.

Abused men or teen boys know they are being abused by their spouse or girlfriend, but feel shame and helpless about what to do. Boys are often raised by parents to “never hit a girl”, even when circumstances require him to defend themselves against a violent attack in some way. When a man tries to defend himself while he is being battered, beaten, kicked or even stabbed by his wife or girlfriend, the men I’ve heard from say they are the ones who are arrested and hauled off to jail on battery charges. What happened to the women who viciously attacked these men? Nothing. Not a darn thing.

Unmarried, single men or teenage boys in abusive relationships should absolutely leave the relationship, walk away and never look back. What should abused husbands do? Leave and get a divorce lawyer and file for divorce, just like that? How do men, who have been mentally, verbally, physically and/or emotionally abused by their heartless wives, win child custody battles in divorce court without stooping to dirty lawyer tactics? What about the children of these marriages and relationships?

These are just some of the questions abused men have asked, and I will do my best to answer these questions and more in coming articles. Having had personal experience with an abusive marriage relationship many years ago, I get it. I get why these abused men stay and why they haven’t packed up and left their abusers saying “Eat My Dust!”. Yet. These men are filled with fear, but they are making needed changes in their attitudes towards the abuse and their abusers, and I’m betting that this year will be their year to break free from the abuse.

Do you have any suggestions, advice or tips for abused men you would like to share? Are you a man who is or was in an abusive relationship with a story to tell? Share your comments and thoughts below.

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46 Responses to “Husband Abuse: Abused Husbands and Men in Abusive Relationships”

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  1. rayrusso says:

    I’m in a horrible situation.
    my girlfriend that I have known since 15 is killing me. We are both 42 now. We have 1 son together. He’s a year and half now. She has a daughter and a son from a previous marriage. The daughter is 16 and very, very abusive to all of us. The mother and brother are too scared of her to do anything or tell anyone. I fear for my son.
    Over the past two years my girlfriend has slowly turned the tides in the home. Convinced me we only need one car, which is fine for the most part. Her car ofcourse. In my personal opinion she has become completely unstable. She thinks it was okay for her daughter to pin her 10 yearold son down on his stomach and beat the crap out him. He had 32 marks on him. Plus 4 more bite marks that drew blood. The reason she attacked him…. he changed the channel while she was out of the room.
    the daughter yanks my son around by the wrists and he cries. I get yelled at by the mother for intervening. Threatened that my son will be taken away from me forever. The daughter is allowed to yell and scream at me and I’m not allowed to say a word. The daughter lies, steals and does anything she wants.
    I once got attacked by a mother that said she was letting the local 11 and 12 year Oldsmobile molest her so she could use their phones while she was grounded from hers. She denied it. But I tend to believe 3 different parents than her. Her mother ofcourse believes her even though her daughter was caught having sex many different times. Shes dangerous.

  2. raymond russo says:

    Please help
    I’m in nightmare of a relationship. I’m 42 with a 1.5 yearold son. My girlfriend and I live together with her two kids from a previous marriage. The 16 year old daughter is very abusive to everyone and her mother and brother are affraid of her.
    she beat her 10 yearold brother up and left 32 marks on his body and 4 extra bitemarks that drew blood. She yanks around my son by his tiny wrists and he cries to get away. My girlfriend and her son are to afraid of her to do or say anything. The mother takes it out on me. Its no big deal…. shut the f up.
    She has locked me out of all the accounts and taken everything. ” if I do or say anything, I will never see my son again. She has hidden my house keys and there are times I have been locked out for days.
    She protects her daughter out of fear I believe.
    I have no family left and I fear for my son.
    Her parents are old and say” its okay….. everything will be fine.” Two years ago. It gets so much worse.
    I’m afraid I might crack or something.
    There is no place for me to leave and take my son away from this madness
    What do I do?
    Please help

  3. peter says:

    I’ve lived in an abusive marriage for over 5 years. I have severed emotional abuse for long enough and now i feel that time is ripe for me to walk and leave everything and start anew life. I have endured severing for the sake of my 3 kids but i feel that this is the time for me to make a sacrifice by going and looking for peace somewhere else. In Kenya many men beat their wives but i have always chosen to respect my wife despite the abusive nature of our marriage. in Kenya there is only;y one body that purports to-fight this kind of abuse but only if it is mostly physical. but i belief that emotional abuse is more worse than physical abuse. i really need to be helped i have involved all parties my parents her parents her brothers and i have tried all ways.I go to bed hungry many a times not because there is no food but because am so angered and i cant eat or if i do i fear a stomach upset because of the an artist and the sole bread winner of my family i can not concentrate in my work at all i know out there there is someone listening please do advice me.i feel completely drained

  4. SeriousCat says:

    Help, I need help!

    I’m living with a girlfriend and we are at the 18 month point. She has become agitated all the time.

    I’ll sum it up for you. She doesn’t help with anything, and expects / waits for me to do thins. All responsibilities are in my hands while she sits around and nit picks and nags emotionally and mentally.
    Then I get a reward for good behaviour if I don’t bring up what is bugging me. If I do, she flips out and down plays my needs. Constantly pointing out small errors that I do. “Why did you do this, why why why?”

    It is a non stop mental and emotional roller coaster to which I am constantly in fear of more manipulation and stunts. She doesn’t hit me, but her selfish ways have been increasing.


    Even in the bed room she expects all the work done and NEVER initiates sex. Even had the nerve that she would like it 3 – 4 times a week, but obviously it would be me who would be doing it all.

    I’m so stressed and hurt. I’ve been tempted to just pack my things and go.
    Plus, I’ve found myself thinking of another woman lately who has repeatedly promoted equality.

    I have never been in this level of confusion and I need out, but when you care about someone, this is where we get trapped in ourselves.

    • Ryan says:

      That is exactly like my relationship. ‘Why is this here? Who put this there? If I say anything it’s, ‘Ryan, I am telling you how it is. If you have something to say bring it up on your own time like an adult.’ But when I ask to talk she doesn’t have time. And she’s the one leaving her stuff everywhere and I’m expected to put things away if I see they’re out of place, but she never lifts a finger. And then she’s pissed if I’m not getting my own stuff done. She says she juggles all these things when I’m not there, but when she kicks me out for ‘talking back’ the house is always a disaster when I return. My advice is leave if you don’t have kids. We have a 5 month old and its nothing short of a tragedy.

  5. A.R. says:

    My wife is classic abuser. Very manipulative, threatens to cheat on me if I don’t give her what she wants, is always putting me down for not buying her enough things or acting how she wants, etc. When mad she’ll just start swinging. She’s a former model and very attractive physically, but I just have reached a point where I feel no sexual attraction for her anymore due to all the bullsh*t I’ve dealt with and the harshness of it all. Worst mistake was to share money in joint accounts, so now he threatens to take all the money and leave me none. Since March I’ve been siphoning aside money in a new account I only know about because the financial burden is the only reason I haven’t left yet. I’m about a month and a half away from being able to get my own apt and get the hell away from her so I’m looking forward to that. Thank God himself there’s no kids involved with us, just money. At this point I’d be content with a 400 sq ft studio apt with a bed, chair, and tv and be perfectly happy.

  6. lee says:

    HI there, I have been with my wife for 9 years and married for the last 2 years. Our relationship has been very depressinIg since the start as it started on a bad note because of her being raped. We started dating not long after this and her behavior was very eratic, alot of screeming, demanding and drinking and a huge lack of sex, which I forgave her for because of what happend to her, the sex life seemed to get better about 5-6 years in as before it would always be in the dark or she would start talking about random things durning intercorse or watching television. And i would always be the one coming onto her and 90% of the time get knocked back or very awkward sex. It wasnt untill we started trying for a child that the sex life improved allot, but she already has a child from a previous relationship whom I look after all the time and she cant be bothered with him most the time, she wasnt falling pregnant as fast as we had hoped which made her really angry and she started attacking me physically aswell as emotionally. I think its then that I started to feel severily closed in and depressed, for the past year 2 years i havent been able to have friends, socialise or visit family as she decided that i was a cheeting scumbag. we fought every minute of the day bacause of this to the point she got me put in jail, she eventually did fall pregnant which calmed her down for a few monthss, but later started becoming incredibly agressive and violent, often waking me up very early demanding things and keeping me awake late questioning me about cheeting or generally grinding me for not doing things right and saying what i was doing wrong which was everything. sadly we ended up loosing the baby to stillborn 3 months ago, and has persisted that im partly to blame if not compleetly for stressing her out so much. she also kept saying how she was not going to let me see our child when it was born and she was going to dissapear unless i admit to cheeting(which i didnt do) she just seems so cruel. i used to put it down to the rape, and then her not being able to get pregnat, and me not having much income as i was a student. and now because we lost our child, we found out we are expecting again a few days ago and she seemed over the moon. all was calm untill i got back from work last night to come back to her asking were i was that extre 5-10 minutes and then started screeming at me and wacking me and smashing my laptop on the floor, then proceeding to hit me with it whilst shouting she wishes i was dead, i managed to run away on a push bike to my mums house and i cant help but feel like im doing something so wrong. Please help!!!!

  7. KEITH says:

    My wife has slapped me around on three separate occasions. On the last occasion, she concluded by saying, “I’ll have you out of this house so fast your head’ll spin.” (My house, by the way. We’d been married for a year and a half and were living in a house I bought over 16 years ago and greatly enhanced). Then she called the police, told them I’d hit her, and they took me away in handcuffs. The reason I didn’t “report” her was quite simple: I didn’t want her to get into any trouble. I wasn’t ashamed at all (why should I be), I simply didn’t want her embroiled in some legal battle. Would that she’d shown the same concern for me. Now were are engaged in an ugly divorce (I filed mere minutes after spending six hours in a jail cell using a roll of toilet paper as a pillow). I was raised to think that a husband should protect a wife at all costs, and that’s what I did. It has cost me dearly, but I still would not report my wife for abusing me. Some things should just be dealt with privately. By the way, I have NEVER hit my wife, or any woman, for that matter. That’s about the most unmanly thing a man can do.

  8. Ryan says:

    I am for the first time today realizing I am in an emotionally abusive relationship, and its been at the cost of my career and self-worth. We have a blended family, including a 5 month old together, but my partner refuses to spend any time with my daughter despite that I watch her children all week. It wasn’t until my partner demanded I take my 4 year old daughter somewhere else and be back in an hour without her that I realized it may be abuse. I told her I have no way of finding a place for her to go in such a short amount of time, to which she responded that I’ll have no rights to my 5 month old and don’t come back. I felt trapped and had to ask my mother to leave work to watch my daughter so that I could be with my baby. Every time I try and talk to her she says I put her in the position to treat me like that, and if I got my ‘shit’ together she wouldn’t have to, but she’s the one that forced me to leave my career so I could watch the kids while she focused on her business. I don’t what to do now. I don’t want to lose these important times watching my baby grow.