Ever since I published the 30 Day Sex Challenge, I’ve heard from quite a few women who say they don’t want to have sex with their husbands, while offering a large number of reasons why they don’t want to have sex. I’ve also heard from a number of men who want more sex with their wife but can’t seem to figure out why the sex isn’t happening as frequently as these guys would like. “Is having sex once every 3-9 months normal?”, one husband asked.
“I don’t want to have sex” and “she doesn’t want to have sex” were the common subject titles from women and men who are reporting sexual dysfunction and low libido in their marriages. Most, if not all, were asking “is it normal” to not want to have sex very often (or at all), and what possible reasons there might be for their wives to not be interested in having sex. They also wanted to know how often married couples are “supposed to have sex” to keep the fire alive in their marriage, and some wives reported their husbands “weren’t doing it right”. Ouch.
It came as somewhat of a surprise to me that some women said their husbands don’t know how to please a woman in bed and can’t bring her to orgasm, but these same women admit to never (ever) telling or showing their husbands what they want or need in bed to be completely satisfied sexually. Really? Come on, ladies, it works both ways. Men aren’t mind readers and most men DO want to please their wives in bed, but if you have never talked with your husband about your personal desires or sexual needs, communication in your marriage is a problem to work on. Today.
The common sexual frequency questions, “What is normal?”, “How many times do married couples have sex?”, and “How much sex is enough sex?” was answered by the Kinsey Institute. On average, 18-29 year-olds have sex 112 times per year, 30-39 year-olds have sex 86 times per year, and 40-49 year-olds have sex 69 times per year. 13% of married couples are said to have sex just a few times per year; 45% a few times per month; 34% 2-3 times a week, and 7% 4 or more times per week. Do the math. How does your sex life match up with the statistics?
In my article about ways to spice up your marriage, the importance of sex in marriage and making sex fun and exciting (vs. boring and dull) for married couples cannot be overemphasized. While sex may not be the most important part of marriage, sex becomes a huge problem in marriage if husbands or wives want sex but aren’t “getting any”. Sadly, several of the men who contacted me did so after reading my article about regretting getting married because of virtually no sex and are seriously considering divorce as their only option. Not only do these husbands say they regret getting married in the first place, these men swear they don’t want to get married ever again because of the sex problems they’ve experienced.
The fastest way to increase libido and start having more sex is to…have more sex! That alone is the reason for men AND women to at least explore the idea of the “sex every day sex challenge” for thirty days! If the men and women I have heard from is any indication of the heartbreaking reality of having a mostly sexless marriage that can easily become a deal breaker, both husbands and wives need to not only understand the reasons why some women don’t want to have sex but also work together to find ways to increase sexual desire, libido and satisfaction. Before it’s too late.
Reasons Why Women Don’t Want Sex
According to a study by University of Chicago Medical Center (published in the New England Journal of Medicine), researcher Dr. Edward Laumann concluded that some 43 percent of women suffer with sexual dysfunction, compared to 31 percent of men. Interviews were held with 1,550 sexually active women where 43 percent reported low libido, 39 percent said they had vaginal dryness problems, and 34 percent said they were unable to reach orgasm. Expert researchers have also found that while sexual activity declines somewhat with age, many women (and men) are enjoying sex well into their 60s, 70s, and 80s.
Some of the well known reasons for low libido or lack of interest in sex are: Diabetes, thyroid disease, anemia, childbirth, hormones, lack of sensation due to decreased muscle tone “down there”, painful intercourse, menopause, hysterectomy, and any medical problems that affect the sex hormones estrogen or testosterone can all result in a decreased sex drive. Other causes may be aging, unhealthy diets, excess weight or obesity, stressful lifestyles, depression, anxiety and other emotional problems, or a combination of physical or psychological factors.
“Female sexual dysfunction is characterized by a lack of desire, arousal and orgasm. Lack of desire is the chief complaint among women, affecting about one-third of them at some point in their lives”, says Cindy Meston, assistant professor of clinical psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. Recent studies have focused on various aspects of female sexuality, including hormone levels, libido, how pregnancy and menopause affect a woman’s sexuality and interest in sex, and body image.
There are hundreds of possible reasons why women may not want sex, but WebMD.com listed what it says are the top ten reasons why women don’t want to have sex, which include both physical and psychological reasons:
1. Use of Oral Contraceptives
2. Use of Anti-Depressants
4. Lack of sleep
6. Disagreements with one’s mate.
7. Low levels of testosterone
8. High levels of HSBG (sex hormone binding globulin)
9. Fear of intimacy
10. Body image
A woman’s lack of sexual interest is often tied to her relationship with her partner, says Sandra Lieblum, director for sexual and marital health at the UMDNJ Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in Piscataway, N.J. “The important sex organ (for women) is between the ears. Men need a place for having sex — women need a purpose,” she says. Lack of interest in sex can also be triggered by family problems, illness or death, financial or job worries, in-law problems, childcare responsibilities, managing a career and children, previous or current physical and/or emotional abuse, past history of sexual abuse, fatigue and depression.
“Loss of libido in women, or low sexual desire, is the most common sexual problem for women and the main reason they seek sex therapy,” says Patricia Koch, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Biobehavioral Health & Women’s Studies at Pennsylvania State University and Adjunct Professor of Human Sexuality at Widener University. “It affects anywhere from 33% to 67% of women, depending on how sexual desire is defined and reported,” according to Koch, whose research specializes in loss of libido in women.
“Don’t call loss of libido a disorder,” Laumann says. “How can it be a dysfunction if one-third of women, no matter what their age, report that they lose interest? “This is normal” he says, and a growing number of researchers agree. “Low sexual desire is not a disease, it is the understandable result of an imbalance in your life…in your relationship, your life circumstances or your body,” writes Kathryn Hall, Ph.D. in Reclaiming Your Sexual Self: How You Can Bring Desire Back Into Your Life.
Libido Enhancers, Natural Aphrodisiacs, Female Enhancement Creams
If decreased sexual arousal or lack of sex in your marriage is distressing you, rule out any possible health related problems with your doctor or OB/GYN. Have your hormone levels checked by having your doctor run blood tests, especially if you are menopausal or have had a hysterectomy. Ask your doctor about a trial of testosterone cream – some women like it, while others don’t.
There are many libido enhancer products for women on the market, with many receiving raving reviews by sexually satisfied women (and their husbands), wink wink. That makes for a win-win for any marriage experiencing sex problems or lack of libido, regardless of the cause. Try Laura Corn’s book 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex for some sexy, seductive tips.
Get your Mojo back and have some fun with sexy lingerie your man will LOVE (regardless of your body size or weight), sex toys and sexy marriage games to add some new life and spice to your marriage. Try out natural aphrodisiacs for women that come in tablets, capsules, gels, creams and lubricants that work wonders to boost a woman’s sex drive and pleasure. Zestra is one of many sexual arousal aids getting rave reviews, and it’s even been discussed on talk shows like Tyra Banks and the Rachel Ray Show, amongst others.
Show your husband where your personal “pleasure map” is for your body, and teach your man how to “do it right” for you and teach him (if necessary) the desired techniques to pleasure you and satisfy you completely. Guys, be open to suggestions from your wife and don’t let your ego get in the way of having a satisfying sex life with your spouse if she tells you in some way that you’re not doing it right. Listen….and listen good. Ladies, speak up and tell your man what you want in bed! Better yet, show him… and you’ll both have a great time discovering each other all over again.