Telling It Like It IsAbuse »

How to Talk to Teenage Girls – Things NOT to Say to a Girl You Like

Lin — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 11:00:25 +0000

What is the best way to flirt with a teenage girl you like, without coming on too strong, if you are a teenage boy? Sometimes teenage guys say stupid things to girls and end up regretting it, especially if the dumb thing said leads the girl to slap the guy in the face.

Young guys in the process of becoming a man sometimes learn valuable lessons the hard way, and learning what things not to say to a girl they like or have a crush should rank very high on the list of learning “how to talk to girls”.

A young, 17-year-old teenage guy contacted me the other day, telling me the story of meeting a teenage girl at a dance that he took a liking to. Unfortunately for him, this young lady didn’t appreciate his attempts to make conversation because of his comments about her “healthy body”.

In other words, this girl was “hot”. Classic hourglass figure, big bust, narrow waist and nice, shapely hips and legs. Get the full picture? He liked her body and wanted this girl to know he liked her (and her body). A lot.

Here is the context of the email message I received:

“Dear Lin,

My name is [removed] and I’m 17 years old. I discovered your website and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving a girl’s image of her body. She was a girl I had just met at a dance a few weeks ago. We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off. We even exchanged email addresses.

Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only made things worse when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.

She had a classic hourglass figure – large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. Why can’t girls embrace their curves?”

Now, I must admit to having a good laugh when I first read this email message, but we also shared some laughs together with subsequent email exchanges. Poor guy said something stupid to this teenage girl that he thought would be taken as a compliment, but quickly learned the hard way to think before he speaks.

This young man had read the article about girls and female body image and the pressure to be thin in society, and felt the girl he had just met had issues with her own body image. To be clear, I certainly do NOT advocate the fact that this young lady slapped this guy across the face, because of the numerous articles I’ve done about abusive relationships – including teenage abusive relationships.

Abuse of any or all kinds is wrong, unacceptable and should never be tolerated. Capiche?

Here’s my response:

“Hi [name removed],

No, no, no. You’re thinking of the situation with this girl from the perspective of a guy, not of a girl. I don’t know a single girl/woman who feels flattered by a guy she’d just met telling her how hot her body looks, hourglass etc. Especially since she just met you. Any time a guy mentions to a girl or woman about her body and how good she looks, she immediately (and I mean immediately) realizes the guy is checking out her assets. Girls/women know that guys are visual beings, but we don’t like or appreciate it when men/guys make a point of telling us about it. It’s not that she has a poor body image, nope. It’s that she doesn’t want her “healthy body” scanned and critiqued by guys…

There’s a reason for the old saying, “My eyes are up HERE not down there” because of guys constantly checking out a girl’s chest, butt, hourglass figure etc. Girls don’t like that. Guys at dance clubs or nightclubs (stereotypical construction workers) that are staring…and ogling at women’s “assets” are typically thought of as sleeze balls, disgusting pigs and ignored. Slapped sometimes, lol. Plus, chances are this girl already knows she looks good, fit and healthy. There’s no way out of it, no damage control, because she already has it figured that you’re all into her body (and how her body likely turns you on) and she’s not the least bit interested in continuing a conversation with someone like that.

Here’s an example: Say you were at the same dance and some girl you were dancing with and barely knew at all tells you “you’ve got a great looking package from what I can tell with those pants you’re wearing”. I mean, seriously, how awkward would that be?! You would immediately know that she’s checking you out like that and coming on (really) strong with a sexual connotation. Someone you just met. Girls hate that.

Guys are going to check out girls bodies and how “healthy” they look and how fit they are. Girls don’t typically mention things like what you said to her. Women/girls notice a guy’s body too, but we usually keep it to ourselves, so as not to make the guy feel uncomfortable (like being put under a magnifying glass). Don’t ever put yourself in the situation of [being like] typical sleeze balls who act stupid with their guy friends, ogling and pointing out girls “assets” and making an a$$ of themselves trying to look cool and hip. You’ll get thrown into the sleeze ball category, and perhaps slapped. Again. Guys that say those sorts of things are believed to be “interested in one thing only” and you know what I mean by that. Girls don’t like it. Lesson learned?”

I realize there are exceptions to what I replied to this young guy. Some girls/women don’t mind at all when their ass-sets are ogled, stared at and “admired”. Some teenage girls and grown women even encourage such exchanges with guys they meet. Some women/girls accept these things as compliments and aren’t bothered by them at all. Obviously, this young girl was very upset by the things he said to her and she let him know that his “compliments” were inappropriate and he made her feel uncomfortable.

In his follow-up email, this teenage boy admitted to being “guilty of staring at her chest, further agitating her” in response to the quote “my eyes are up here, not down there”. He now understands that there is an art to flirting with girls and getting a girls attention, without coming across as crass or rude.

Teenage boys need to learn how to talk to teenage girls appropriately, so I suggested he search online for articles about conversation starters; what to say to girls and things NOT to say to girls; how to approach girls; how to flirt with girls (without using stupid pickup lines) like what is discussed in this article at Men’s Health on dating tips for guys.

Guys? Do you have a similar story you would like to share with this man, so he doesn’t feel like he’s the the only one who has ever gone through this? Ladies? What suggestions or tips would you add to help enlighten this young teenage guy for the future? Besides don’t get slapped again. He already knows. Make your suggestions or leave your comments for him below.

Similar Posts:

Readers who viewed this page, also viewed:

Husband Abuse: Abused Husbands and Men in Abusive Relationships

Lin — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 11:00:20 +0000

Are you an abused husband? Teenage boys, is your girlfriend abusing you? Does your wife, partner or girlfriend physically, mentally, emotionally or financially abuse you? What should abused men do if they are married to an abusive wife who is verbally, mentally, emotionally or perhaps even physically abusing her husband? Parents, have you taught your sons and daughters to identify the warning signs of abusive relationships, so they know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, in order to avoid becoming an abuse victim?

If you have sons or daughters who are dating or married, how would you react if you discovered they were being abused by the person who claims to love them? If you are a man who is dealing with an abusive spouse or partner, in or outside of the marriage covenant, the psychological damage of being an abused man by the woman you love must be heartbreaking for you.

Relationship Abuse by Abusive Women

Over the last several months, I have received numerous emails from men who say that their wife or girlfriend is not only verbally and emotionally abusive to them but also, in many cases, physically abusive. I am quite familiar with the reported statistics regarding abused men, just as I know the statistics about abused women. Unfortunately, those statistics do not tell the whole story because so many abused men and women do not report the abuse to the police, in order for there to be an accurate and updated database to go by.

Men who are abused by wives, girlfriends or significant others are much less likely to report the abuse to the police than women are, because society in general has not recognized, supported or provided the help, advice and assistance abused men want, need and deserve. Grown men and teenage boys are often left to suffer relationship abuse in silence while the emotional, mental and physical abuse by abusive women and girlfriends takes its toll on their victims.

Emotionally Abused Men

Emotionally abused men, even if not physically battered or beaten, are having their self-esteem and sense of “manhood” and masculinity destroyed from the inside out. There are no visible scars, wounds or bruises to use as evidence to prove to the police or anyone else that these men are being abused by their wives or girlfriends. But make no mistake, the wounds, bruises and scars of being verbally and mentally abused are obvious and constantly felt by the victim.

The shame, embarrassment and fear abused husbands and men feel about being laughed at, criticized and ridiculed by society, police and the court system must feel unbearable. Mentally and emotionally abused men are routinely put down, criticized and ridiculed by their own wives and girlfriends, only to be victimized again by society and those in uniform whose job it is to serve and protect law-abiding citizens.

Even when abused men or husbands choose to leave the relationship and get a divorce, they must face the uphill battle in divorce court to not lose everything they have worked so hard to achieve in life; fight the devastating child custody and visitation battles; deal with false accusations and threats from their abusive spouse, and the dirty tricks shoddy divorce lawyers use to win court cases for their clients. Men, what is on your list of non-negotiable deal breakers for the protection of your health and well-being?

Physically Abused Men

Single and married men are also physically abused and battered by the women in their lives. There is no difference between the kind of abuse women suffer from abusive men and the abuse men suffer at the hands of angry, controlling and abusive women. Abuse is abuse is abuse. Mentally and emotionally abusive relationships often lead to physical abuse at some point, so if you are man or teenage boy in a relationship where nothing physical has occurred yet, don’t be too quick to assume physical abuse won’t happen. It’s important to understand the four types of abusive behaviors that abusers inflict on those they claim to love, because one often accompanies the others, eventually.

A physically abusive relationship often begins with a “one-time” slap, kick or punch during a fight or argument, followed by the promise that “it will never happen again”, but it happens again the next time the couple has a fight. Thus begins the cycle of abuse. The “honeymoon phase” of the cycle includes plenty of good times together for the couple, where everything is peachy-keen (or seems to be), until the pendulum swings the other way and the next argument erupts and is worse than the last one.

If she will hit you once, she WILL hit you again. And again.

Abused men or teen boys know they are being abused by their spouse or girlfriend, but feel shame and helpless about what to do. Boys are often raised by parents to “never hit a girl”, even when circumstances require him to defend themselves against a violent attack in some way. When a man tries to defend himself while he is being battered, beaten, kicked or even stabbed by his wife or girlfriend, the men I’ve heard from say they are the ones who are arrested and hauled off to jail on battery charges. What happened to the women who viciously attacked these men? Nothing. Not a darn thing.

Unmarried, single men or teenage boys in abusive relationships should absolutely leave the relationship, walk away and never look back. What should abused husbands do? Leave and get a divorce lawyer and file for divorce, just like that? How do men, who have been mentally, verbally, physically and/or emotionally abused by their heartless wives, win child custody battles in divorce court without stooping to dirty lawyer tactics? What about the children of these marriages and relationships?

These are just some of the questions abused men have asked, and I will do my best to answer these questions and more in coming articles. Having had personal experience with an abusive marriage relationship many years ago, I get it. I get why these abused men stay and why they haven’t packed up and left their abusers saying “Eat My Dust!”. Yet. These men are filled with fear, but they are making needed changes in their attitudes towards the abuse and their abusers, and I’m betting that this year will be their year to break free from the abuse.

Do you have any suggestions, advice or tips for abused men you would like to share? Are you a man who is or was in an abusive relationship with a story to tell? Share your comments and thoughts below.

Similar Posts:

Readers who viewed this page, also viewed:

Abused Men: Battered and Emotionally Abused Male Victims of Domestic Violence

Lin — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 11:00:03 +0000

Abused men are men and teenage boys who are in physically, mentally and emotionally abusive relationships involving partners, girlfriends or wives. Men who are abused do not get the respect, understanding, encouragement or support from society as a whole and are often criticized and ridiculed unfairly, further victimizing men who are abused.

Victims of domestic violence are not just women, wives or girlfriends. Domestic violence occurs with men too, and it’s about time abused men and society in general wake up to the alarming statistics about women, girlfriends and wives who abuse men and stop turning a deaf ear to the abuse men are experiencing.

Boyfriend and husband abuse is a reality in society and men who are abused by women need help, encouragement and support just as much as abused women do. Domestic violence against men, and abusive relationships of all types, do not discriminate and abuse occurs in all ethnic, racial and socio-economic groups.

When you hear the words “domestic violence” and physical, mental and/or emotional abuse, do you tend to think about women or girls who has been slapped, hit, punched, kicked, bullied, ridiculed, degraded, criticized and humiliated by a man? Domestic violence against women by men who claim to love them has been a serious problem for a very long time, but what about the men? What about men who are abused by women? Why do abused men stay in abusive relationships if it’s so bad, you may wonder.

Some women, girlfriends and wives are physically, mentally and emotionally aggressive in relationships with their boyfriends, partners or husbands. Abused men rarely come forward to share their experiences as domestic abuse victims because of fear. Abused men stay in abusive relationships and marriages for much the same reasons abused woman stay, with fear being the primary reason.

Men who are abused are often afraid of being stigmatized by others with fear of being labeled a dependent, spineless doormat, passive-aggressive “wimp” or “whipped” man with low self-worth. Men who are abused are often too afraid to tell or admit to others that they are being mentally or emotionally abused, if not physically, and view telling as a loss of their manhood.

The statistics for abused men who are beaten or battered by the women who claim to love them say that men are abused more than women are abused, battered, beaten and bruised by men. Unfortunately, physically abused and battered men tend not to call the police or report the abuse they have suffered at the hands of girlfriends or wives, and even when these men do call the police to report the violence, they’re pleas for help are often ignored.

The myths about abused men are astounding. Teen boys and men who are abused need to identify and recognize the warning signs of abusive relationships and take action. Love Doesn’t Hurt. Teenage girls, women or wives who are physical, emotional or psychological abusers gradually chip away at a man’s feelings of self-worth and independence in the same way angry, controlling, abusive men act towards women.

Emotionally Abused Men

Male victims of emotional abuse may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or marriage, often ignoring the symptoms that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship that can so quickly become physically abusive. Emotional abuse includes verbal attacks such as yelling, blaming, ridiculing, name-calling, intimidation, controlling behaviors, isolation from family or friends, shaming, threats of physical violence and more. Abuse of any kind – physical, mental or emotional abuse is an absolute deal breaker in my book and should be for anyone who experiences domestic violence in some form or fashion.

The scars of having been emotionally abused are very real and run very, very deep. Emotional abuse often escalates to the point of physical abuse and battery. Even death. Abusers do not change. Let me repeat that: Abusers do not change, and if you are a man or teenage boy who feels he must “walk on eggshells” around his partner, girlfriend or wife in order to “keep the peace” and try to prevent her from having a conniption fit about everything or anything – you are very likely in an unhealthy, controlling, abusive relationship and need to get out now.

See Toxic Relationships-Toxic Family Members for help figuring out if your girlfriend or wife is toxic or not.

There are many signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, and they are much the same as those that apply to women who are abused by men. Physically or emotionally abused men must not be allow abusive women to control them any longer. Not for one more minute, not for one more hour, and definitely not for one more day of their lives.

Having heard from several men who felt they were pressured into marriage by emotionally abusive girlfriends, plus having written articles about women abused by men, I feel a responsibility and desire to address the issues involving abused men.

Just as I recommended to these men that they read the book, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence authored by Phillip W. Cook, I implore and strongly suggest that men who feel they are being physically, mentally or emotionally abused by a partner, girlfriend or wife to not only read the abused men book but also seek help now. Your very life may depend on it.

Similar Posts:

Readers who viewed this page, also viewed:

People Pleasers and Doormats Care What People Think About Them

Lin — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 20:03:09 +0000

Are you a people pleaser? Do you care what people think about you? Should you care what other people think about you or not? Do you have the “disease to please” people in your life to the point where you feel like you have become someone’s personal doormat to wipe their dirty feet on? Do you have difficulty saying no to requests and then feel angry or resentful because you said yes, again? Who is pulling your strings?

By definition, people pleasers are people who have a disproportionate and unhealthy need in their personality to give in to the wants, whims and desires of others around them, to the point of sacrificing their own wants or needs. People pleasers, pushovers and doormats lack assertiveness skills and hold back from speaking up and saying what they really think or feel, and they hold back from asking for what they need or want because they’re worried someone will get upset about it.

Having a people pleasing personality is great…..until. Being considerate, thoughtful, gracious and willing to help others are admirable traits and characteristics, but suffering from doormat syndrome or being a people pleaser to your own detriment are not so admirable. People pleasers put other people’s needs before their own, rarely doing things for themselves and then feel guilty about it.

People pleasers spend time with difficult people who don’t care about or consider other people’s wants or needs above their own- not even a little bit. People pleasers will jump through hoops, so to speak, to make unhappy, insensitive, selfish, ungrateful, controlling, mentally and emotionally abusive people feel better about themselves, to their own detriment. If you are tolerating problematic family relationships out of a sense of duty, obligation or a sense of Christian responsibility, your personal concept and belief system of what family is or isn’t needs to be reexamined and analyzed closely.

People Pleasers and Doormat Syndrome

Are you dealing with extremely difficult people in your life? What does the term “toxic people” mean to you? Do you find yourself in personal or professional relationships where you feel used, abused, battered and beaten down mentally, emotionally, or perhaps even financially? Do you habitually give in to people because the mere thought of displeasing or upsetting them is too much for you to deal with? Do you spend too much of your time, energies or money trying to keep other people happy because of fear of what they will think of you if you stopped? Why do you care what others think about you?

If you routinely put your own needs aside because of wanting to make other people happy, perhaps discovering that he or she is not the least bit grateful or genuinely appreciative for the things you do, you are a classic people pleaser. Here’s some advice: Stop being a martyr, victim, people pleaser or doormat stressing out and worrying about what other people may or may not think of you.

Stop caring what people think about you and start living your life free of the stress, worry and anxiety about what others think or want from you. The cost of caring what your boss, coworkers, subordinates, friends, family members, spouse, grown adult children, parents, inlaws, siblings or other difficult relatives think about you needs to stop. Allowing the opinions of others in your life to control, manipulate and trample on your self-worth is too high a price to pay to feel accepted, liked, loved or validated.

Who is the puppet master in your life? Can you afford the high cost of people pleasing? If you suffer from people pleaser “excess niceness” syndrome, consider the following list of costs typically associated with being a people pleaser or doormat.

Loss of identity, self-respect, self-esteem and personal integrity. Burnout. Nagging doubt about being “good enough” for others. A debilitating sense of guilt, shame, insecurity and inability creating and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships. Difficulty or problems managing, leading or supervising others at home and/or work; inability or difficulty trusting others, accepting kindness, positive feedback or heartfelt compliments from others. Difficulty making decisions, sticking with and accomplishing personal goals, because people pleasers inherently make others a priority over themselves.

People pleasing personality types find it virtually impossible to deny any or all requests made upon them even when doing so creates stress, chaos, financial burden, anxiety attacks, depression and even bankruptcy. The need for the approval and acceptance of others becomes debilitating for people pleasers, where fear of saying no and the intense aversion to confrontations or angry reprisals causes people pleasers to give in time after time after time.

Stop caring what people think about you. Relying on the opinions of others for approval, acceptance and validation is a self-sabotaging behavior and is detrimental to your health, happiness and wellbeing. Harriet B. Braikder, Ph.D writes in her book The Disease To Please, “As a people-pleaser, you feel controlled by your need to please others and addicted to their approval. At the same time, you feel out of control over the pressures and demands on your life that these needs have created”. Does that sound rational to you?

Not caring how other people think or feel towards you doesn’t mean that you should become selfish or egotistical, or that you should make your personal wants, preferences and needs the only priority in your life. Not at all. I’m suggesting that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s; that you should avoid seeking acceptance or approval from people who have their own selfish agenda.

Do things for others because you really care about them and want to, rather than out of fear that they won’t like you or will abandon you if you don’t do what they want. Stop allowing other people’s opinions, needs or wants to control or dictate who or what you are as a person.

If someone doesn’t like you or stops liking you because you don’t do what they want, then you’re being used by them and they are not someone you need in your life anyway. Take your power back. Learn to let go of the disease to please other people and remind yourself that you ARE good enough!

Similar Posts:

Readers who viewed this page, also viewed:

This is My Blog and I Will Blog Whatever I Want

Lin — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 12:00:40 +0000

Yes, this is MY blog and I will blog or write about whatever I want, thank you very much. I almost titled this post, “Telling It Like It Is is Not For the Faint of Heart”, which on some levels is very true.

Over the last several months there have been an increasing number of what I refer to as lurkers, spammers, trolls, haters, naysayers and perverts emailing me and attempting to leave pathetic comments on posts.

Some of the worst offenders are those arriving from those pesky “DoFollow blog lists”, where newbie bloggers show up like a bat out of hell, dive-bombing this site in hopes of getting a link back to their site by leaving a pathetic “great blog, keep it up” sort of comment. If you have a blog of your own, you are likely well aware of these pests.

Telling It Like It Is has a comment policy and privacy policy like all/most other blogs and websites have, including a “mark as spam” button and a “delete” button, which I use quite frequently. If “DoFollow” dive bombers wish to continue wasting their time targeting this site for a backlink, knock yourselves out…but if you ever decide to check back to see if your “comment” was approved…you’ll be sadly mistaken.

Running a close second behind the dive bombers are those who are none too happy that I continue to write about child sexual abuse, especially the articles that tell kids and victims to tell they are being sexually abused now or were sexually abused by someone in the past.

I have received emails and attempted comments from people who are not happy at all that the Protect Our Children Act was passed. Now, readers, you tell me…what kind of person would NOT want me or anyone else having the “audacity” to be telling kids to tell someone they are or were sexually abused? Think about that for a minute, then come to your own conclusions.

Blog Post Ideas – Being Audacious

Blog post ideas for Telling It Like It Is come from a large number of sources, which I will get to in a minute. I rarely if ever experience writer’s block (so far), and I write blog posts with audacity and I’m proud of it. My blog is not a “feel good blog”, nor is it a “beat around the bush” blog, and it is certainly not a “tiptoe through the tulips” kind of blog.

I work hard at being an audacious blogger, and the articles about sexual abuse, abusive relationships and the numerous helping vs. enabling posts are emotionally difficult for me to write. I write them anyway and will continue to do so. I am passionate about the topics I write on this blog, even though there are thousands of bloggers who write better than I do, with perfect spelling, grammar, sentence structure and phrasing on every single blog post published.

“If you’re not afraid to be rejected, you keep putting your hand up. If you’re not afraid to be ignored, you keep putting yourself out there. If you’re not afraid to be criticized, you do exactly what you want. If you’re not afraid to make contact with someone more successful than you, you’ll create your own opportunities.”

I am not afraid. I will not be deterred.

I am not a social networking know-it-all, but I put myself out there anyway, meeting and making connections with fellow writers and bloggers in an out of my own “niche”. I am not a “Pro Blogger” by any stretch of the imagination, nor do I feel the need or pressure to become one. I make mistakes while writing and creating blog posts (especially when trying a new and unfamiliar html-type code thingamagig), such as I did on the how to plan a wedding article, turning it into a complete fiasco until I was able to fix it. Oh well…, live and learn as I go.

Okay, blog post ideas…, where I get mine. Aside from the fact that I read a lot, be it books, magazines, news articles online or offline etc, there are a variety of places I go to get my blog post ideas to avoid writer’s block. Here is a short list of those places, in no particular order.

Woopra – If you have a blog or are considering starting a blog, you MUST get Woopra. Woopra, by far, is the most comprehensive, information rich, easy to use, real-time, LIVE Web tracking and analysis application I have ever seen. Woopra provides so much unique information about visitors to your blog/website and how they arrive at your site, it will blow your mind. And it’s free! Woopra’s ability to track keywords/search terms (amongst other things) people have used to arrive at my blog or specific blog posts has already provided me MANY ideas for blog posts, and it’s only getting better by the day.

Google Alerts – Google Alerts are email updates received in your inbox of the latest relevant Google results (web, news, blogs, video, etc.) based on your interests or topics. Email updates from Google alerts can be received “as it happens”, “once a day” or “once a week”, whichever you prefer. I currently have two blogs and am in process of building a third, and receiving email alert messages based on my keywords of choice has brought about more blog post ideas than I could ever have imagined.

StumbleUpon – Wikipedia describes StumbleUpon as an “internet community that allows its users to discover and rate Web pages, photos, and videos”. Basically, StumbleUpon users choose to rate (or not rate) a web page, blog post, pictures or video by way of the “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” feature from the StumbleUpon toolbar, which can result in massive amounts of web traffic from online friends or peers. StumbleUpon is sort of like word-of-mouth advertising from referrals. Online friends and peers have sent me links to articles with messages suggesting I do a blog post on that subject, but in my own “Tell It Like It Is” writing style. One such post was the Miley Cyrus Going Topless “rant” that caught the attention of the New York Times and LA Times, because I was being audacious and bold!

Twitter, Facebook, Google Adwords Keyword Tool, Google Trends and Blogs I’m subscribed to by RSS Feed or email have also brought numerous blog post ideas already found on this site, and still more to come. With the numerous categories and topics I can cover within my blog niche, I would be hard-pressed to run out of things to write about and I have no intention of ever doing so. That’s how I roll.

If you enjoyed this article, you can subscribe to Telling It Like It Is FREE updates by email or RSS Feed, comment or ask questions on posts of interest to you.

Similar Posts:

Readers who viewed this page, also viewed:

Violence Unsilenced – True Life Personal Survivor Stories of Abuse, Domestic Violence, Rape

Lin — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 22:32:29 +0000

If you or someone you know is being abused or has been a victim of abuse, domestic violence, rape or molestation, it’s vital that you do something right now. Tell someone.

The culture of silence, fear and shame for survivors of abuse must end. Children who have been sexually abused don’t tell because they’re afraid, and that fear of telling is what the abuser is counting on to keep you silent for the rest of your life. If you don’t speak up and tell someone you are being abused now, or were physically or sexually assaulted at some point in the past, your abuser maintains control over you and your life.

You may have been threatened with further violence if you dare tell anyone that you were sexually assaulted, raped or beaten. You may feel you are all alone with the secret you have been keeping, or that no one would understand or believe you.

You are not alone. Abuse survivors and advocates do understand, will believe you and can provide needed encouragement and support to help you find your voice and end the cycle of abuse. How do I know? Because I’ve been there myself. I was afraid to tell anyone I was sexually abused as a child, fearing no one would believe me or do anything about it, but I found my voice and told my story anyway.

Years later I got married and became a victim of domestic violence by the man who vowed to love and cherish me “till death do us part”, but I found the courage and strength to leave and got a divorce. I took my power back, and because of that I don’t see myself as a victim. No, I am a survivor.

How do you develop the courage and strength to tell your personal story of rape, sexual assault or domestic violence, so you can take your power back and begin the healing process? By reading real life personal survivor stories of those who have been victimized themselves, and realizing that if they can do it, so can you. If I can do it, so can you. If other abuse survivors can do it, so can you.

You must tell someone.

Where do you find these personal stories to help you find the courage to tell? Violence Unsilenced shares real life personal accounts of survivors who tell their experiences of domestic violence and sexual assault to real people who listen, regardless of age, race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation or gender.

Story tellers receive encouragement and support in the comments section from others who understand and have empathy for the abuse survivor. You can also submit your own personal story to Violence Unsilenced if or when you are ready. You don’t have to use your “real name” if you don’t want to, and you can tell your story anonymously if that is your preference.

Reading books on sexual abuse also helps victims of all ages find the courage to tell someone they were sexually abused and begin the healing process. Those same books also help family members, parents and spouses better understand how sexual abuse affects victims survivors.

Just tell someone. Tell someone you can trust. Tell someone who will listen, but do tell your story. Tell Violence Unsilenced.

Similar Posts:

Readers who viewed this page, also viewed:

Childhood Obesity and Child Abuse: Is Child Obesity Child Abuse?

Lin — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 11:00:02 +0000

Is childhood obesity child abuse? Should parents of overweight or obese children be criminally charged with child abuse or neglect, where parents may be found guilty of child abuse and sentenced to jail time for having an overfed or obese child? When does parental indulgence become child abuse or neglect? Who is responsible when children are overweight or clinically obese, and should governmental agencies get involved?

A report by USA Today has attracted national attention to the case of a 555-pound teenage boy in South Carolina, whose mother was arrested in June and charged with criminal neglect because of her son’s weight. 14-year-old Alexander Draper is now in foster care, pending the outcome of charges against his mother, 49-year-old Jerri Gray.

“Jerri Gray was doing all she could to help her son lose weight, her attorney says. But something had gone terribly wrong for the boy to hit the 555-pound mark by age 14. Authorities in South Carolina say that what went wrong was Gray’s care and feeding of her son, Alexander Draper. Gray, 49, of Travelers Rest, S.C., was arrested in June and charged with criminal neglect.”

If your child or teenager is overweight or clinically obese, could your child be taken away from you, followed by you being charged with child abuse or neglect? Jerri Gray’s attorney, Grant Varner, says this case could open the door to criminal charges against parents whose children become dangerously overweight.

“If she’s found guilty on those criminal charges, you have set a precedent that opens Pandora’s box,” Grant Varner says. “Where do you go next?”

Childhood obesity is on the rise all across the U.S., according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and many states have begun to take legal action against parents. According to a 2008 report published by Child Welfare League of America, state courts in Texas, Pennsylvania, New York, New Mexico, Indiana and California have been trying to decide what to do about obesity in children.

In all of those cases, except the one in California, courts expanded their state’s legal definition of medical neglect to include morbid obesity and ruled that the children were victims of neglect, the report says. Criminal charges were filed only in the California and Indiana cases, but the parents weren’t sentenced to jail time in either.

Childhood Obesity – Child Abuse?

Linda Spears, vice president of policy and public affairs for the Child Welfare League of America says criminal charges should be a last resort. “I think I would draw the line at a place where there are serious health consequences for the child and efforts to work with the family have repeatedly failed,” she says. “What’s more often needed is a structured plan of action that’s accountable to a court. Most of the time, the health problems tied to childhood obesity don’t become chronic until adulthood, which makes it difficult to charge parents with child abuse”, Spears says.

Obesity in children is not just a problem in the U.S., with children of all ages developing health problems because of poor nutrition, over-consumption and inactivity, and many countries around the world are working hard to combat child obesity. In a 2007 New York case involving an adolescent girl who weighed 261 pounds, the court ordered nutritional counseling, cooking classes and gym workouts.

35-year-old Nicola McKeown, mother of 8-year-old Connor McCreaddie, almost lost custody of her 200-pound child in 2007 for feeding him too much. Authorities involved in the case called a “child protection conference” to consider removing him from his home, claiming “Child abuse is not just about hitting your children or sexually abusing them, it is also about neglect.” The meeting concluded with an agreement for health officials and a dietician to continue trying to help the family deal with Connor’s obesity, rather than removing him from the family home.

The USA Today article raises the question of a possible “Pandora’s Box” scenario. “What about the parents of every 16-year-old in Beverly Hills who’s too thin? Are they going to start arresting parents because their child is too thin?” Will parents of anorexic or bulimic kids be next on the list of the “fat police”?

As a parent, when was the last time you took close inventory of the foods, snacks and drinks found in your kitchen, to determine whether or not changes are needed in your family’s diet?

What personal eating habits are you teaching your children based on what you typically consume as the parent?

What grocery store aisles do you spend most of your time and money while grocery shopping? The outer aisles with fresh meats, dairy, fruits and vegetables etc, or the inner aisles with high calorie, high fat, low nutritional processed foods and snacks? Are you and your family “junk food junkies”?

Where governmental agencies and health officials will draw the line between childhood obesity and child abuse is still unclear, but what is clear is that parents are primarily responsible for what their children consume and in what amount. School cafeteria meals have improved over the years, but there is still a lot of room for improvement. When parents overfeed their child to the point of obesity, parents puts the child at risk for diabetes, heart disease, stroke etc, and are ignoring the health risks associated with overeating.

Characterizing child obesity as child abuse is stretching things a bit, but it appears the days of parents claiming their child is just a picky-eater and won’t eat healthy foods with proper portion control may be coming to an end. At least from a legal standpoint, because “Big Brother” is watching. According to the Institute of Medicine, NINE MILLION children in the United States over the age of six are considered obese, referring to obesity in children as “An Epidemic of Childhood Obesity”.

“The increasing number of obese children and youth throughout the United States has led policy makers to rank it as a critical public health threat. Since the 1970s, the prevalence (or percentage) of obesity has more than doubled for preschool children aged 2-5 years and adolescents aged 12-19 years, and it has more than tripled for children aged 6-11 years. At present, approximately nine million children over six years of age are obese.”

Children learn what they live. Parents have to educate themselves about the importance of eating healthy themselves, be good role models for their kids, in order to teach their children good eating habits, nutritional food choices, portion control and exercise to live healthy lifestyles. Children and teenagers spend a lot of time sitting – watching television, playing video games and browsing the internet, rather than getting natural exercise on a regular basis.

Leading a sedentary lifestyle, while also eating the wrong foods and in the wrong proportions, leads to obesity and health problems. Many parents have wisely chosen to buy Wii Fit for themselves and their children, and when combined with healthy food choices, the results of losing weight and improving their overall health is a benefit the whole family can enjoy. We really don’t need governmental agencies to tell us this, do we?

Similar Posts:

Readers who viewed this page, also viewed:

Deaths in Threes – Do Deaths Come in 3 or Do Celebrity Deaths Come in Threes

Lin — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 16:40:33 +0000

“Deaths occur in threes. If one person in your family dies, two more will within a short period of time.” Do deaths come in threes or is it just an old wives tale? There’s been a lot of discussion in the last few days that deaths always happen in threes or celebrity deaths come in threes, and questions about where the “deaths come in 3” tale came from.

My understanding is that the origin of the old wives tale or legend about deaths occurring in threes came from the first world war. When the men would light their cigarettes they knew not to use 3 on a match because the enemy could pinpoint them and shoot them from the light of the match being lit so long.

The myth about deaths in threes is often used as proof regarding “notable”, famous celebrities, but people tend to forget about the deaths of celebrities who may not be quite as famous and well known around the world as others who have died.

Some people also claim that the deaths in threes rule applies to deaths occurring within 3 days of each other, while others claim the myth applies to deaths happening “within a short period of time” according to the legend.

The Wall Street Journal listed some “deaths in threes” examples like this:

• Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the “Big Bopper” all died together in a plane crash in 1959
• Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison all died in close succession in 1970-71
• In 2003, Johnny Cash, John Ritter, and Warren Zevon all died within the same week
• In 2005, King Fahd, Peter Jennings and Robin Cook died within a week of each other
• The following year brought the closely timed deaths of Don Knotts, Darren McGavin and Dennis Weaver
• Heath Ledger, Suzanne Pleshette and Brad Renfro all died within a week of each other in January 2008

2009 Celebrity Deaths

If famous celebrity deaths really occur in threes, then who is next?

1. David Carradine
2. Ed McMahon
3. Farrah Fawcett

Then

1. Michael Jackson
2. Billy Mays
3. ????

“If you are at a graveside and for some reason the there is a delay in the burial, it is a sign that the deceased person does not wish to leave this earth alone and want to travel with someone. One of the mourners present will die soon.” Oh pa-leeeze.

Out of all the recent celebrity deaths in 2009, Michael Jackson’s death has hit me the hardest. Perhaps it comes from the deep and profound connection I feel having been born into the same controlling religion (or cult) as Michael, or maybe it’s because of the abuse Michael himself reported in the “Living with Michael Jackson” documentary interview with Martin Basher as having experienced as a child at the hand of his father Joe Jackson, and the aftereffects of such abuse. Maybe it’s all of that plus his incredible music career throughout all these years, and watching the Jackson Five on television years ago, but I’m a huge fan of Michael Jackson and always will be.

Losing Michael Jackson far too soon, at the age of just 50 years old, came as a huge shock to all Jackson fans. I can’t even imagine what the Jackson family must be going through right now, and seeing devastated Janet Jackson at the BET Awards show and Jermaine Jackson’s tearful interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show shook us all to the core of our being.

Don’t even get me started talking about Joe Jackson’s behavior before the BET Awards show, where he chose that time to promote and hype a stupid record company in the wake of his son’s death. I have no sympathy for Joe Jackson whatsoever, but my heart breaks for the rest of the Jackson family and Michael Jackson’s children, who are suffering deeply and are apparently about to be thrown into a child custody battle involving Debbie Rowe, according to recent news reports.

If the deaths in threes old wives tale were true, then I’d be worried. Having just attended the funeral for my husband’s 84-year-old aunt yesterday along with other family members and friends, if deaths really do happen in threes then all I can say is Uh-Oh, who is next?

R.I.P. Michael Jackson – you will be dearly missed.

Similar Posts:

Readers who viewed this page, also viewed:

How to Divorce Your Parents, Minors Emancipation, Can You Divorce Your Parents?

Lin — Mon, 18 May 2009 11:00:14 +0000

Can you divorce your parents? How do you divorce your parents if you are an adult child dealing with controlling parents or in-laws, or a teenager seeking legal minor emancipation or “divorce” from your parents? Are you dealing with a toxic, abusive and/or controlling parent and want to know how to “divorce” your parents?

I’ve received several “divorce your parents” email questions in recent weeks, from adult children dealing with over-involved, controlling parents who don’t know how to parent adult children, and from teens who think that getting pregnant on purpose or getting married too young is the way to qualify for emancipation from parents in order to get out from underneath their parents thumb. I’ll first respond to the adult children, then the teens.

If you are an adult child who has been researching “parents controlling adult children” or “controlling parents”, you likely came across my articles about parents helping vs. enabling adult children and didn’t think those apply to your specific situation (or they do apply, but that’s not what you want to hear and you don’t want to admit it).

How To Divorce Your Parents

Based on some of the emails I’ve received, I’d venture to say that there is a strong possibility that you may have a sense of entitlement that makes you want to “have your cake and eat it too”, but you can’t have it both ways.

If you really are dealing with “controlling parents” or in-laws that don’t understand what parenting adult children means or the need for respectful boundaries, these articles will help explain that “divorcing” controlling, toxic parents as grown, adult children may be the only viable option left to protect your physical, emotional, mental health and well-being.

Allow yourself the personal right to disengage, disassociate, and detach.

Reasons given for adult children divorcing their parents include:

Parents who hit and/or verbally abuse their adult children despite being grown, married with children and living independently of parents.
Parents who don’t show even the slightest measure of respect to their grown children, or anyone else.
Parents who habitually lie and steal money from their own children.
Parents who purposely attempt to drive a wedge between their married son/daughter and spouse, in an effort to cause a divorce because of not “liking” their son-in-law or daughter-in-law.

I could go on and on with this list of “divorce your parents” reasons, but you get the idea.

Part of being an adult is having the backbone or assertiveness to stand up for yourself and say NO. You can say NO by not answering phone calls or responding to emails or letters, not attending or participating in family functions, and not allowing yourself to get drawn into the insidious, toxic family drama that you find so upsetting.

An “emotional divorce” from parents may be temporary or long-term. You may discover, after a period of time goes by, that you begin to feel the desire to gradually reconnect with your parents, where new rules and boundaries are assertively negotiated and respectfully followed on both sides.

Or, you may find that the time spent not talking to or visiting with your parents over a period of time brings you the peace and tranquility you’ve needed, where you now have no desire whatsoever of ever reestablishing a relationship with your parents. Whether or not you ever decide to reconnect with your parents is a personal decision you have to live with, along with whatever consequences come from your personal choice or decision on the matter.

Emancipation of Minors

What are your reasons to get emancipated? Saying “I want to get emancipated” isn’t good enough. A minor may seek minor emancipation (often referred to as teen emancipation or child emancipation) for reasons such as abuse, neglect, marriage, teen pregnancy, joining the military or just to be an independent adult.

Unfortunately, some teens throw around the “abuse” and “neglect” words quite freely and undeservedly towards their parents rules and guidelines, and think that emancipation of minors is their personal “get-out-of-jail” free card to do whatever they want without any parental oversight or control.

Reality Check: Emancipation decrees are rarely granted and the court reserves the right to rescind the right and place the minor into the care of the state at any time, for any reason, before the minor reaches the age of majority.

Sure, there are some new “rights” after becoming emancipated, but there are other adult “rights” you will be responsible for as well. Such as:

Support yourself financially. A judge will not grant your emancipation if you are unable to totally support yourself.
Paying for your own food, clothing and shelter. Getting and paying for your own medical, dental, and automobile insurance.
Pay all of your own bills. Your income must be from a legal source.
You must go to school. Emancipation and education laws require minors stay in school, finish high school until they graduate or reach the age of 18.
Child labor laws still apply, which means you can’t work as many hours as you may want.
As a minor, you can’t have sex, drink alcohol or vote until you are of legal age. Forget the idea of becoming a teenage pregnancy statistic just to become emancipated. The laws governing unlawful sexual intercourse (“statutory rape”) means it is illegal for a minor to engage in sex with anyone (even if it’s with another minor), unless the teen is married and having intercourse with his or her spouse.

Running away from home and/or having sex anyway could very well show the judge that you are a troubled, rebellious teenager in need of counseling rather than emancipation. Having sex anyway could mean your “significant other” will find themselves on the list of convicted sex offenders; and it will not work to your advantage when trying to convince a court judge that you are “mature” or deserving of emancipation.

Teens, do you know the legal age to move out of the house without parent consent or permission in your state? If you commit a crime (ie. unlawful sexual intercourse) you may be tried as an adult in a court of law. Whether or not you become emancipated has nothing to do with being tried as an adult. (Age of Consent)

There is a big difference between emancipation and divorcing a parent, but far too often, teens don’t take the time to become knowledgeable about minor emancipation laws or ask the necessary questions regarding becoming emancipated, such as:

What is minor emancipation? Legal emancipation from parents is a process that gives a teen legal independence from his or her parent or guardian before the “age of majority” (18 years old in most states), whereby a minor may petition the courts to be legally responsible for him or herself and no longer under the custody and control of parents.
How old do you have to be to get emancipated? Emancipation laws vary from state to state. If the state you live in has an emancipation law, (only about half of them do) it usually requires the minor to be at least 16.
How do you get emancipated? In the United States, there are three main ways to become emancipated.

1. Get married - Getting married too young and marrying for the wrong reasons will put you on the fast track towards divorce so quick it would make your head spin. (See Marriageable Age)

2. Join the military – you must meet the military’s minimal educational requirements and provide a valid high school diploma or GED. The military must still be willing to accept you.

3. Go to court and have the judge declare you emancipated by “judicial declaration”

In order to get a judge to grant an emancipation judicial declaration, you must prove the following:

You are at least 14 years old (emancipation age varies by state)
You don’t want to live with your parents and your parents will consent
You must prove you are mature. How? Do an online search for “signs of maturity” and “signs of immaturity” and see how your maturity level pans out. Witness accounts from friends, teachers, counselors, YOU, employers, and other responsible adults who will provide testimony of various signs of maturity as proof for the court.
You can financially and legally support yourself
You must show that emancipation would be in your best interests.

Court cost of emancipation – To get emancipated, legal forms commonly known as “emancipation papers” or “emancipation forms” will need to be filed with the court. The average filing and court fee is about $250.00, plus the cost of your legally required attorney. Attorney fees for emancipation average between $800-$1000, if the petition is not contested by your parents, otherwise the costs could be much higher if parental permission is not granted. Can you afford emancipation?

Do I need my parents’ consent (permission) to get emancipated? Yes. Minors need parental consent (and consent by the courts) to get married and parental permission to join the military. Plus, the armed forces is under no obligation to accept you. To become emancipated, a minor must give his/her parents notice of the court hearing, and the parents may go to court to contest the emancipation.

Parents: You can do an online search for “Prevent your child from becoming emancipated” for more information on that.

Teens, emancipation is a very heavy responsibility and must be taken very seriously. There are alternatives to emancipation as well, such as your parents consenting to you living with another relative or family friend. Otherwise, you will just have to suck it up and deal with your parents like the rest of us until you are automatically emancipated when you turn 18 and can legally move out of the house and be on your own.

Similar Posts:

Readers who viewed this page, also viewed:

Should You Tell You Were Sexually Abused? What Happens When You Tell?

Lin — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 10:00:21 +0000

“I was sexually abused, should I tell?”; “Should I tell my mother I was sexually abused?”; “Should you tell your spouse you were sexually abused?”; “What should you do if you were sexually abused and you can’t your mom?”; “How do I know if I’ve been sexually abused?”; “What happens if you tell you were sexually abused?”

These are some of the questions I’ve received from child sexual abuse victims over the last few weeks, from sexually abused children as young as 10 to older victims in their teens, and others that are married and have children of their own. They all wanted to know what they should do, who they can or should tell, if they should tell anyone about being sexually abused, and how to tell a parent they were sexually abused.

Yes, if someone is sexually abusing you or has sexually abused you in the past, you should tell a trustworthy adult about the abuse and as soon as possible. Why should you tell? Because keeping the abuse a secret is what your abuser wants, and you need help from adults to stop the abuse and stop the abuser from molesting or raping anyone else.

Sexual abuse statistics show that child molesters don’t molest just one person and then suddenly stop. No, pedophiles and child molesters continue to sexually abuse victims until they are caught and arrested, and the authorities are able to bring charges against your abuser so he or she can no longer harm anyone else.

As I’ve said before, most sexually abused children don’t tell because they are afraid to tell, were threatened by their abuser or because victims feel guilty, embarrassed and ashamed. It’s important for sexually abused children, teens and even adult victims to know and understand that what has happened to you is not your fault, and the person who has sexually abused you must be stopped from repeating the abuse against you or anyone else.

Unfortunately, some parents don’t react to being told their child has been sexually abused in the right way, which only creates more problems and stress for the victim. Some mothers and fathers choose not to believe their own child’s disclosure of being sexually abused. Some parents have been known to blame the victim for the abuse, going so far as to claim their child “seduced” their abuser, and/or do nothing to stop the continued abuse of their own child.

If you are being sexually abused or have been abused in the past, ask yourself who you know that will help you. Choose an adult you trust that will help you and then tell that person what has happened to you. That person may be your mother or father, a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, the school counselor, teacher, school nurse or even a police officer.

What happens when you tell? The adult you tell is required by law to tell the police or a social worker, because children of all ages have a right to be protected from sexual abuse, and the person who has abused you needs to be stopped. The social worker or police officer will need to ask you some questions about what happened to you, and if you were sexually abused in your own home, the authorities will want to talk to you somewhere else.

Read this excellent, printable, 13-page sexual abuse packet that victims of all ages and parents need to read, save to your computer and/or print off to read. The packet explains who to tell, how to tell, and what will happen when you tell in easy-to-read and easy-to-understand language even kids can understand. Kids, just click on these words —> Sexual Abuse Information Packet so you can read more on how to tell someone you were sexually abused and get the help you need.

Most children who have told about being sexually abused say it’s worth it because “telling freed them of the guilty secret”, and adults who are getting counseling after being sexually abused when they were children say “I only wish I could have told someone when I was a child.”

Should you tell a spouse you were sexually abused? Yes, you should. When you chose your husband or wife, you married him or her with life experiences that shapes who you are today, and the effects of having been sexually abused can take a long time to recover from, if ever.

Trusting your spouse to be there for you through “better or worse” includes those times when sharing painful memories of past experiences and abuse not only brings you closer together, but helps take away some of the negative self-esteem feelings many victims hold onto for many years and a loving, supportive spouse can make all the difference in the world.

Similar Posts: