When planning a modern wedding, who pays for what? In decades past, because of the old tradition of dowry, the bride’s family traditionally paid for most or all the wedding costs. “Traditionally”, around the 17th or 18th century, the brides mother and/or father would pay for everything needed for the wedding and reception, including the venue (location of wedding/reception), bridal gown, music, flowers, venue, food, bar costs, gratuities and anything else. Then they also give a generous wedding gift to the happy newly married couple. However, times have changed.

Nowadays, it is very common for the bride and groom to pay for all or most wedding expenses themselves, or to more evenly split the wedding related expenses among both sets of parents. Why have the traditional rules of who pays for what in weddings changed, and how should engaged couples, parents and families deal with the more modern view of wedding etiquette in relation to the wedding budget and the question of who will be paying for the cost of the wedding?

There are a variety of reasons for the change from traditional to modern in regards to wedding planning and the budget. One reason is that people are choosing to live together before marriage for a period of time, deciding to get married later in life and are more financially established in their careers at the time of their wedding. Another reason is that there are more women working than ever before, compared to the ancient, archaic time period of women staying home “barefoot and pregnant” while men worked outside the home, so brides nowadays are often able to help pay for their own weddings. A third reason is the rising costs of weddings and the increased financial burden placed on parents who may not be able to afford paying for their son or daughter’s expensive dream wedding.

I am a firm believer in tradition, traditional values and beliefs, but I also believe in living within your means and adults paying their own way in life. There is often a big difference between the “traditional” division of wedding expenses and what people/parents can legitimately afford to pay without going into debt, or using their life savings or retirement accounts to pay for a wedding. Hence the numerous emails that continue to fill my inbox from mothers and fathers whose son or daughter is planning a wedding they cannot afford, and the sometimes manipulative tactics used to get the parents to pay more than they can afford.

Since writing the “who pays for what” article in answer to a disabled mother’s problem with her daughter demanding she pay more of the wedding than she could afford, the emails and questions just keep on coming. This time, rather than restating what I’ve already said on the subject, I decided to provide a variety of helpful links to online articles talking about Who Pays For What in Weddings as reference points for brides, grooms and parents.

Note: References to “traditionally who pays” are not rules written in stone but are merely guidelines for creating a wedding budget and determining who pays for the wedding. Sometimes the traditional wedding planning checklist needs to be modified for financial reasons. Brides, grooms and families should understand that your own personal finances will dictate what type of wedding/reception you can have, and who ultimately pays for what is entirely up to you and your families and their ability to pay.

Modern Weddings – Who Pays For What?

Engaged couples should first sit down with both families soon after announcing the engagement to work out the details of the wedding budget and who will pay for what. Without further ado…

Bridal Guide Magazinesays, “If you’re lucky, your families will approach you and your fiance’ to let you know what, if anything, they plan to contribute to your wedding. If your parents don’t initiate a conversation, you will need to, and the sooner you do it the sooner you can start hammering out a realistic wedding budget.”

“After announcing their engagement, the bride and groom sit down and estimate what they’ll spend on the wedding, probably after finding a reception site and making general decisions about theme, style, time of day etc. They then approach their parents and after describing what they’ve decided on so far, say gently, “We were wondering if you would be able to pitch in for any of the costs.” The parents may look at the budget and say, “We’d like to pay for the reception food and the flowers” for example. They may also offer a set amount they’ll contribute. If their parents say they can’t afford to contribute, or only offer a small amount, the bride and groom say, “Thank you for considering,” and perhaps have to revise their budget or find creative ways to pay for the wedding.” Read more here about who pays for what.

“64% of bride and grooms are breaking with the age old tradition of the brides parents footing the bill, by paying for their own wedding. With less than 18% of couples preferring to stick with tradition and allowing the brides parents to pay for the wedding and only 13% of the bride and grooms parents joining together to pay for their children’s big day. With nearly a thousand couples polled the results came as no surprise, confirming the steady shift in the way society views individual responsibilities, with financing for your own wedding being no exception.” Read more here about poll study results on who pays for modern weddings.

“Tradition was not financially kind to the bride’s family. Fortunately, at least if you’re looking at the situation from the viewpoint of that family, times have changed. Rather than burden one family with practically the entire cost of a wedding, it is common practice these days for both families—and sometimes the bride and groom—to share expenses. The best way to decide who will pay for what is for both families (or all the families that apply) and the couple to sit down together and have a frank discussion about what each party can afford to contribute.” Read more here about couples and families paying for weddings and wedding loans.

“Get together with every single person who might contribute to the total cost of the wedding. That means all parents, you and your fiancé, and anyone else with a financial interest (may you be so lucky as to have an eccentric and wealthy aunt). This is the fastest way to find out how big you can dream. More and more often today, weddings are paid for by a two-family counsel—and more than 60 percent of brides and grooms are paying for at least part of the costs as well. This makes it pretty clear that the old rules of divvying up the wedding bills simply no longer apply.” Read more here on traditional vs modern wedding planning and costs.

“Gone are the days when a wedding means the bride’s father stands with an open palm awaiting a bill for all the expenses. Although traditionally the bride’s family was responsible for most (if not all) of the wedding finances, today’s perspective is one of practicality and a general respect for individual outlooks and varying alternatives. Wedding etiquette has evolved to take a host of variables into account. Current day ideologies embrace doing what works best for each couple and their family. No one should feel obligated to accept a financial burden, and couples should understand who will be paying well in advance of the selection process. Keeping everyone’s comfort in mind will allow for a wedding that is both spectacular and affordable.” Read more here…

“Forget the archaic rule that says certain people have to pay for certain things. The bride’s parents need not take out a third mortgage to pay for the wedding, and the groom’s parents are not off the hook either. Besides, the two of you might even be covering a good chunk of the expenses yourselves. The best way to work it out? Sit down with pencil, paper, and calculator and figure out what you really want and can afford. Keep in mind that informal weddings are usually smaller (and therefore cheaper), and formal weddings tend to be larger (and therefore more expensive). Here’s a list of the traditional costs for everyone involved — but remember, these “rules” are made to be broken!” Read more here…

“The most contentious subject for any wedding (and one that, without a doubt, will cause the most arguments) is money. Now you’ve set your budget you need to guide yourselves through the murky waters of working out who’s responsible for paying for what. Whilst traditionally the bride’s parents used to pay for the majority of the wedding, these days with a multitude of different familial circumstances it’s not so cut and dried. The costs may be divided equally between the two families. The bride and groom may choose to pay for the wedding themselves. The bride and groom may pay for majority of the costs with both families contributing towards elements that they’d like to help with, eg. the flowers, transport or cake. The two families may offer to contribute a certain amount towards the wedding, to be spent as the bride and groom wish. If either or both sets of parents are divorced a compromise can usually be found using a mixture of options.” Read more here…

“These days, the cost of a wedding makes a year at Harvard and Yale look affordable. How are you going to scrape together the bucks so you can have the bash you want? Put that idea about sticking up the Federal Reserve on hold. You have options — legal, time-honored, respectable options. The kind of options that, unless you’re in the habit of bouncing checks, won’t land you behind bars. Here’s a rundown of some of them, plus their pros and cons. Keep in mind that a combination of two or more may be how you end up getting your wedding paid for.” Read more here…

“Nowadays, the cost of even the most modest wedding can be astronomical, but times are changing (phew!) and often the family of the bride, the couple themselves and even the groom’s family can contribute to costs. A wise father will set his budget as early as possible and advise the couple as to what he is able, and prepared, to spend. Then there can be no misunderstandings and the couple are able to budget accordingly and decide where their priorities lie.” Read more here…

“There was a time when the Father of the Bride was essentially expected to hand over a blank check in order to cover almost all wedding expenses. That was during an age when marriage was the ceremonial transferal of responsibility for (and possession of) the bride, from her father to her husband. She usually came with a really neat dowry, like two donkeys and a sack of lard. While many still count on Dear-Old-Dad (and Mom!) to foot the bill, most contemporary couples are dealing with a more complicated set of rules, or lack thereof. This is due, in part, to the fact that many couples are getting married later in life and therefore are more financially stable when they do; and also because a greater number of women are enjoying successful and lucrative careers than was the case in previous generations.” Read more here…

“Weddings can be elaborate and very expensive or they can be fairly simple and affordable. The decision about a wedding budget is one that needs to be made by the bride and groom and their families-together. While tradition dictates that the bride’s family covers most of the expenses of a wedding, that tradition is not necessarily relevant today. Particularly with marriages that occur after the bride and groom are educated and established, many of today’s weddings are primarily financed by the bride and groom themselves. In other cases, the traditional divisions of responsibilities for wedding expenses are more flexible than ever.” Read more here…

Are you getting married soon? Have you initiated the “money talk” with your parents yet? Who will pay for your wedding, reception and/or honeymoon? Are you sharing costs equally? Are you paying for your wedding yourselves or are you and your families splitting the costs in some way?

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A lot has been said about how contestants on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette “reality tv” shows on ABC have to sign a contract, but very few people have been able to actually read the “shocking” contract themselves. Now you can. Reality Steve has talked at great length about the crazy contract, and how the heavy editing causes some contestants to be given “bad edits”, where they are made out to be and are treated like villains on and off the show.

Rozlyn Papa got a very bad edit during her stint on The Bachelor with Jake Pavelka “On The Wings of Love”, where claims were made that she and a producer had a shocking sexual affair or “inappropriate relationship”. Didn’t happen. What may be good for boosting ratings and viewership for the show hasn’t been good for Rozlyn’s reputation.

Reality Steve, Steve Carbone of Dallas, has done everything he could to dispel the lies and innuendo perpetrated against Rozlyn, including a two-hour interview with her, but a lot of people still choose to believe what they saw on TV was reality. Not so fast.

Frankenbiting

What is frankenbiting? Remember Wes Hayden from Jillian Harris’ season on The Bachelorette? Wes was the chosen villain during that season, with bad edits via “frankenbiting” editing practices that made it appear as though Wes had a girlfriend while “dating” Jillian. Frankenbiting is a controversial editing practice where editors combine bits and pieces of various soundbites to create new but purportedly representative quotes.

Time Magazine refers to frankenbiting as the splicing/dicing and editing of dialogue and action in reality TV shows to create interesting and completely false stories. It’s called “drama”. Ratings. Frankenbiting happens on reality tv a lot more than most viewers realize. In a post-show interview with KHFI-FM’s “Bobby Bones Show” radio program in Austin, TX, Wes explained how taking words out of context via frankenbiting on The Bachlorette (including his exit interview) made him look like a cheating dog:

“That is a bold-faced lie, I did not have a girlfriend,” Wes said. “I had a girlfriend last summer. She’s still a very good friend of mine, I mean every now and again we’ll go out and to lunch or something like that. I mean, I did some work for her mom, I’m good friends with her family.”

Regarding his exit interview, where it appeared that Wes admitted to having a girlfriend, he says:

“They [didn't] play what I say after that. I said, ‘I’m the only guy in Bachelorette history to make it to the final four with a girlfriend’ [and then] I said ‘Get real dude, if I had a girlfriend, I’d be home with her right now and I wouldn’t be putting up with this,’” Wes told the radio station. “They said stuff like that all the way through, all the way through like that. They can take whatever they want and just play what they want.”

Bachelor and Bachelorette Contract Controversy

Now, about the Bachelor/Bachelorette contract that contestants have to sign to participate on the show. Contestants that sign the legal contract to be on either The Bachlelor or The Bachlorette are setting themselves up for bad edits and frankenbiting. Question is, Who will be the chosen villain for Ali Fedowtowsky’s season on The Bachelorette?

Excerpts of the 22-page Bachelor/Bachelorette contract that contestants sign, Part 1 under DISCLOSURES AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

“If I am selected to be a Participant in the Series, I understand that my actions, voice, and statements during the pre-production period and on the Location during production will be filmed and recorded for the Series on and up to 24 hours a day, 7 days a week basis, including, without limitation, by means of hidden cameras and microphones and I hereby consent to such videotaping, filming, or recording and knowingly and voluntarily waive any privacy rights I may have, regardless of whether I am aware that recording of my actions and conversations is taking place.”

With all the hidden cameras and microphones used on The Bachelor and Bachelorette, why is there NO video or audio of Rozlyn Papa’s “inappropriate relationship” or sex scandal with the producer? Huh ABC? Huh Chris Harrison?

Under “KNOWLEDGE OF SHOW” excerpt:

“I agree that before, during and after the Dates, I will appear in the Series to be interviewed and make observations concerning my experiences on the Dates and thoughts related thereto. I understand that the Series is an unscripted and/or reality series that may involve the element of surprise. I have been informed and understand that I should be prepared for anything, at any time during the production of the Series and that the Series may involve “twists” and that that Producer may make misrepresentations intentionally or unintentionally concerning the Series and/or any element or aspect of the Series. Said misrepresentations may be made by, without limitation, Producer, Host, other Series Participants, Producer’s affiliates and/or other parties connected to the show.

Knowledge of Potential Embarrassment and Surprises: I acknowledge that interviews on or in connection with the Series may consist of another Participant and/or my statements about other Participants, personal relationships and, perhaps, the opinions and statements of my family and/or friends and other people connected with the Series, and that some of these statements and/or statements by the host of the Series, Producer or Producer’s employees or agents or others may be considered surprising, humiliating, embarrassing, derogatory, defamatory, or otherwise offensive or injurious to me, the viewing audience, Producer or Producer’s employees or agents and/or other third parties.”

AstroChicks.com has Part 1 of the 22-page contract that contestants sign here for those interested in the entire first page of the contract excerpted above. Also, The Smoking Gun has a copy of the 17-page contract from Trista’s season on The Bachelorette here for anyone interested in comparing them.

Reality Steve’s blog and reported computer viruses:

A few people have emailed me saying they got a computer virus when they clicked on Reality Steve’s blog, and they wondered if I’ve had any such problems. No, I haven’t, but I did send a message to Steve Carbone on Facebook on January 17 letting him know that McAfee Security has a warning that his blog is in the red zone. The warning message found here on McAfee about RealitySteve.com says: “When we tested this site we found links to sirlinksalot.net, which we found breaches browser security on our test PC.”

I haven’t had any problems or gotten a computer virus going to Reality Steve’s blog, but I also haven’t clicked on any links to “sirlinksalot”. I had no problem downloading Steve’s interview with Rozlyn, and I haven’t had any virus issues reading Steve’s episode recaps or Bachelor spoilers, except for the occasional server problems he was having before changing servers. If you have had computer virus problems from Reality Steve’s blog, leave a comment below explaining your experience.

The Bachelorette season with Ali Fedotowsky begins shooting on March 13, with at least some parts being filmed in New York. The Bachelorette is scheduled to premiere on May 24, 2010 on ABC. It will be interesting to see if Reality Steve gets to spoil Ali’s season too, and which contestant gets the short end of the stick with bad editing, a frankenbite hatchet-job and becomes the “love to hate” villain.

What do you think about Ali being the new Bachelorette? What do you think about the raw deal some contestants get from the editing process to make the “reality show” more dramatic for viewers?

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Reality Steve has done it again with his Bachelor spoilers! This one is a doozy! Reality Steve’s blog is reporting that not only are Jake Pavelka and Bachelor “winner” Vienna Girardi still together, but they are actually ENGAGED and planning on getting married! Jake proposed to Vienna. Are you shocked? Whether or not the engagement will last, or if a wedding will actually take place, is anyone’s guess.

Every Bachelor fan knows that Tenley and Vienna are the final two contestants on The Bachelor “On The Wings of Love” hit show and who Jake chooses to be his wife. The “After the Final Rose” shindig was taped last Sunday, February 21st in Los Angeles.

At the ATFR taping, Jake Pavelka announces that he’s happy and that he and Vienna Girardi are engaged. Yep, they’re still together at this point. Engaged and planning on getting married.

Some online sites have reported that Vienna has been spotted in Dallas at various times, dates and locations, but no proof (photos etc) were provided. Guess proof isn’t needed anymore since Jake announced the news of their engagement himself.

Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi are happy and engaged. Planning a wedding for who knows when. If they’re smart, they won’t rush into marriage too quickly, but take time to get to know each other a lot better. A lot better.

Disappointment setting in for you Bachelor fans? Were you hoping that Reality Steve (Steve Carbone) would be proven wrong about what has been happening on The Bachelor? Were you hoping that Jake Pavelka would “come to his senses” and dump Vienna for Tenley, or perhaps even Ali?

Speculation has been rampant that Jake would suddenly realize that he is in love with Ali after all and chooses her over the final two contestants and will live happily ever after. Sorry…ain’t happenin.

Who will be the next Bachelorette? Reality Steve says Ali pretty much has it in the bag to become the next Bachelorette, even though there has been no official statement. Yet.

Considering how Steve Carbone has gotten every episode and every known detail right about what will happen on The Bachelor, I’m betting that Ali fans will be happy to hear the news that she will be the next Bachelorette when it’s announced officially.

Since taping for The Bachelorette begins next month in March, if some crazy thing happens where Jake and Vienna break up before Ali’s season starts taping, bets are that Jake would show up in hopes of trying to win Ali back.

Do you think Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi will make it to the altar? Most online sites don’t believe for a second that the duo’s relationship will last very long at all. What do you think?

I know, I know, Vienna has been getting slammed and raked over the coals in the trash mags for everything under the sun except for what toothpaste she uses. Yawn. It’s boring to say the least.

Do you think Vienna and Jake can make their relationship work and actually have a successful marriage? Who were you hoping Jake would choose to become Mrs. Jake Pavelka if not Vienna?

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Every year, as our wedding anniversary approaches, we always check to find what the anniversary gift timetables show as being the traditional and modern anniversary gifts for each year. We celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary on January 25, 2010 and according to the tables and charts, the traditional gift idea is wool or copper.

The modern anniversary gift for a seventh anniversary is desk sets. Hmm, seems as though the traditional anniversary gifts would be somewhat more romantic. The idea of giving or getting a desk set as an alternative anniversary gift didn’t appeal to either one of us.

Coming up with a gift idea for my husband made of wool or copper didn’t take much time at all, especially since we were busy planning a vacation to Chicago in the winter months, where having a wool coat would come in quite handy. Fortunately, finding him a wool coat at Men’s Wearhouse in the right size and color wasn’t very hard, even though many of the local stores are already transforming their stock in preparation for spring and summer.

Just for fun, we also decided to buy copper cups that we will have specially engraved with our names and wedding/anniversary date, along with a special romantic inscription or poem of our choosing. As much as we enjoy the look and smell of flowers, we decided to skip buying Freesia flowers, which is the traditional flower for a seventh anniversary.

We enjoyed a wonderful anniversary dinner at a popular swanky restaurant, thanks in part to the
restaurant gift certificate we were given as a gift that covered most of our meal at the extravagant, expensive restaurant that specializes in juicy, delectable steaks and side dishes. It’s not typical for us to spend a lot of money on gifts for each other or eating out, especially since we both had to buy new smartphones recently, so having the gift card to offset most of the dinner costs was a welcome relief.

Traditional Anniversary Gifts vs. Modern Anniversary Gifts

We really liked the idea of getting the cups made of copper and having them engraved, because it’s so easy to forget each of the anniversary gifts we’ve given each other over the years. The traditional anniversary gift for the first anniversary in the U.S. is paper, while the modern gift is clocks, but if we were living in the U.K the gift of choice would be cotton products.

A clock? Really? Why not a new coffee pot since the gift ideas are so unromantic? Oh wait, appliances are for the fourth anniversary, so we must have managed to get through that anniversary without buying small appliances. Whew. Thankfully, the anniversary gift tables seem to show that the upcoming years bring about better and more romantic anniversary gifts.

We still have a couple more years to go before our tenth anniversary, but the traditional gift for that year is tin or aluminum gifts, while the modern gift idea is diamond jewelry. My husband has talked about “upgrading” my wedding ring at some point, but since I’m a very low maintenance-type woman who loves her current wedding ring, perhaps the diamond jewelry will be something like small, inexpensive diamond earrings or a bracelet.

Heaven only knows what gifts we gave each other on our first, second or third anniversary, and I don’t think I could remember any of the gifts we gave each other in the years since, no matter how hard I tried. I suppose that is why the engraved copper gift will be remembered for many years to come, and is now placed where we both can see it everyday.

One of our favorite stores to buy anniversary gifts that can be engraved with unique and special messages is Things Remembered. Anytime we’re hanging out at the mall, we always enjoy looking at the many gift ideas on display there, and it gives us both some good ideas for other special occasions, birthdays and holidays.

When the time comes when we are nearing our 20th, 25th and 30th wedding anniversaries, that’s when the traditional and modern anniversary gifts includes fine jewels like jade, coral, ruby, diamonds, pearl and similar precious stones. Those anniversaries will be special and fun too, and since I typically only wear my wedding ring and no other rings, necklaces, bracelets or watches, what we decide to do for gifts those years will make for some interesting conversation.

I’m interested in finding out what years we can legitimately gift each other electronic gadgets and techie gifts for our anniversary since we both are gadget freaks. If there isn’t an anniversary gift timetable that allows for gadgets as a traditional or modern anniversary gift, I put my vote in to have the timetables changed.

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Spoilers alert! Bachelor fans out there want to know if Ali is going to return to The Bachelor, fight for Jake Pavelka’s heart and actually be the “winner” on this 14th season of The Bachelor in a major reality tv coup de jour? Not so fast. Sure, sure, ABC has a promo circulating with Ali making a phone call to Jake saying she wants to come back to the show. Is Ali returning to The Bachelor this season? No.

Not gonna happen. Reality Steve, our sarcastic and snarky reality tv blogger at www.realitysteve.com sure knows how to tell a great story about the Bachelor goings on, doesn’t he? Reality Steve (Steve Carbone) makes clear on his blog that Ali, just like all the other Bachelor contestants, are under contract to say and do what they’re told to do while they’re on The Bachelor and thereafter.

They’re all under contract. Including Ali, who left the show because her job with Facebook was in jeopardy. Ali hadn’t been working at her job for very long and she took off the amount of time to appear on The Bachelor that she could squeeze out, but the time came where Ali was given the ultimatum to return to work or lose her job.

With this economy and the difficulty people are having finding work, Ali’s decision to “leave Jake” and leave the show for her job vs. thumbing her nose at the job on the 1-in-4 chance that Jake would choose her at the final rose ceremony, was a risk Ali couldn’t take. Is she coming back? Nope.

If you’re a Bachelor fan, or even a Bachelorette fan, have you ever paid real close attention to the video promos ABC puts out? Do you watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette so closely that you can spot where videotape has been edited and spliced together? Have you noticed the editing, splicing and dicing of video promos in order to make things appear how Bachelor bigwigs want them to appear? Yes, no, maybe?

Take a real close gander at ABC’s promo video of Ali placing a phone call to Jake, telling Jake that she wants to return to the show and fight for him. While you’re watching the short video clip, pay very close attention to the bathroom/hotel phone call scene, and see if you notice something suddenly/instantly appearing on Jake’s arm that wasn’t there a split second before? Watch the video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Did you catch the editing of the videotape where Jake is in the bathroom doing some primping, with no watch on his arm at all, but as he suddenly turns the corner from the bathroom to go answer the phone call from Ali, suddenly/instantly he has a watch on? It’s called editing, splicing and dicing of videotape to make things appear as they’re not. For drama and ratings.

The phone call from Ali is completely staged. She HAS to make that phone call. She’s under contract with ABC to do whatever they tell her to do. For drama. For ratings. To get everyone, like you the viewer, all in a dither wondering… Is Ali going to return to The Bachelor and win Jake’s heart and get the proposal at the final rose ceremony in St. Lucia? Nope. Not going to happen.

But all the buzz about Ali coming back sure got people excited and anxious to find out all they can about what’s going to happen on The Bachelor, didn’t it? Reality Steve says on his blog that Ali is very likely going to be the next Bachelorette! How Ali would work all that out with her job is unclear at this point. While you’re over there on Reality Steve’s blog (www.realitysteve.com), be sure to read word-for-word the blog post he wrote about all the humiliating and embarrassing shenanigans (and outright lies) that ABC can do in the taping of the show in the legal contract all the contestants have to sign in order to be on the show. It’s an eye-opener for sure.

RealitySteve says that Ali will be at the “Women Tell All” taping, as will Rozlyn Papa, who was booted from The Bachelor because of the so-called sex scandal that never was. I don’t expect there to be any real revelations about the scandal between Rozlyn and the fired producer, who were accused of having an “inappropriate relationship”. The WTA is being taped this weekend in LA, and you can/should expect a lot more heavy editing. ABC certainly can’t allow Rozlyn to actually prove she is completely innocent, now can they? The Bachelor show is heavily edited. Very heavily edited.

Don’t believe everything you think you see going on with the show. It’s about as real as some of the female Bachelor contestants “ta-tas”, if ya catch my drift. Wouldn’t it be great if Reality Steve could attend the Women Tell All, in disguise if necessary, then post what REALLY went on at the WTA taping?

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Our favorite snarky and sarcastic reality tv blog-master Reality Steve has Bachelor producers in a dither because of Steve’s bachelor spoilers. Reality Steve, aka Steve Carbone, just might need to watch out for the Israeli secret service to come knocking on his door, according to an interview executive producer Mike Fleiss had with EW. Really ABC? I just bet that Reality Steve is shaking in his Texas boots right about now. Not likely.

While Bachelor producers are going about their business of preparing for the upcoming wedding of Jason Mesnick and Molly Malaney, to be aired on March 8, producers of The Bachelor aren’t too happy with Steve Carbone and the oh-so-fabulous spoilers on Reality Steve’s blog.

Reality Steve’s blog updates comes complete with some of the best, if not THE best, Bachelor episode recaps and spoilers on the web. Sarcasm, wit and snarkiness flows freely on Steve’s blog and his fans love it! ABC knows it too and Hollywood Insider interviewed Bachelor producer Mike Fleiss about the impact Reality Steve and his blog is having on the hit reality show.

Part of ABC’s problem with Reality Steve is that he accurately revealed the shocking details of how Jason Mesnick would propose to Melissa Rycroft and then dump her for Molly on national television before the After the Final Rose special aired. The fact that Steve has revealed on his blog a number of great spoilers, who the Final 4 would be and who would “win” Jake Pavelka’s heart at the final rose ceremony, should give viewers and fans reason to believe Reality Steve is right. Again.

“That’s something that kind of bugs us,” says executive producer Mike Fleiss. “In some ways, it’s just more promotion. We would like to find out [who his source is].” While Fleiss says the show has taken extreme measures in the past to track down leaks — “We spent a lot of money and we hired these guys from the Israeli secret service to shake down people and look at phone records and stuff like that. We ultimately found out who it was. That person no longer works for us.” — he has not gone to such lengths to suss out Carbone’s mole. “We would love to know if anyone knows [who the source is]. I’m offering a $25 reward!”

Fleiss’ apparent tongue-in-cheek response to the bachelor spoiler leaks is likely due to the fact that the realitysteve.com spoilers didn’t keep fans from tuning in and watching Jason Mesnick dump Melissa for Molly: The After the Final Rose shocker scored 17.5 million viewers last March.

Steve Carbone, former sports talk DJ from Los Angeles now living in Dallas Texas, says that he doesn’t “go looking for this stuff, it comes to me because I’m willing to throw the show under the bus”. Relying on several different tipsters for his highly sought after bachelor spoilers and sarcastic recaps, Reality Steve says he doesn’t want to read spoilers about his favorite shows like American Idol or Survivor but likes to “one up” The Bachelor simply because he can.

Considering the fact that Reality Steve’s blog only gets somewhere between 400,000-500,000 page views per week, with occasional downtime due to server problems handling such a high volume of traffic, the impact for The Bachelor has been positive. More people are watching this season’s “On the Wings of Love” with Jake Pavelka, 10% more viewers, than the same time last year. Reality Steve has seen a large increase in readership for his blog as well, and for very good reason. He’s hysterical!

Hopefully now that Steve has changed servers, anxious readers won’t have to worry anymore about getting their Reality Steve fix and play-by-play episode recaps. Seems to me that ABC and Mike Fleiss just might owe Reality Steve a big debt of gratitude and a sincere Thank You for doing such a great job at actually getting more people to tune in and watch The Bachelor – even if it’s just to find out if Reality Steve is right or wrong about what will happen on The Bachelor this season.

He’s been right with previous seasons, and his spoilers are right this time too, and Jake Pavelka’s choice for a wife is getting ripped apart in the tabloids while Bachelor host Chris Harrison defends Vienna as a “gentle loving woman”. Speculation is that Jake Pavelka and Vienna won’t last, if they’re even still together at this point since taping ended in November. People that don’t want to know the details of spoilers on The Bachelor, or any other show for that matter, should just not read them. It’s that simple. Really.

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What is the best way to flirt with a teenage girl you like, without coming on too strong, if you are a teenage boy? Sometimes teenage guys say stupid things to girls and end up regretting it, especially if the dumb thing said leads the girl to slap the guy in the face.

Young guys in the process of becoming a man sometimes learn valuable lessons the hard way, and learning what things not to say to a girl they like or have a crush should rank very high on the list of learning “how to talk to girls”.

A young, 17-year-old teenage guy contacted me the other day, telling me the story of meeting a teenage girl at a dance that he took a liking to. Unfortunately for him, this young lady didn’t appreciate his attempts to make conversation because of his comments about her “healthy body”.

In other words, this girl was “hot”. Classic hourglass figure, big bust, narrow waist and nice, shapely hips and legs. Get the full picture? He liked her body and wanted this girl to know he liked her (and her body). A lot.

Here is the context of the email message I received:

“Dear Lin,

My name is [removed] and I’m 17 years old.  I discovered your website and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving a girl’s image of her body. She was a girl I had just met at a dance a few weeks ago.  We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off.  We even exchanged email addresses.

Then, things suddenly went downhill.  I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended.  I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only made things worse when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.

She had a classic hourglass figure – large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. Why can’t girls embrace their curves?”

Now, I must admit to having a good laugh when I first read this email message, but we also shared some laughs together with subsequent email exchanges. Poor guy said something stupid to this teenage girl that he thought would be taken as a compliment, but quickly learned the hard way to think before he speaks.

This young man had read the article about girls and female body image and the pressure to be thin in society, and felt the girl he had just met had issues with her own body image. To be clear, I certainly do NOT advocate the fact that this young lady slapped this guy across the face, because of the numerous articles I’ve done about abusive relationships – including teenage abusive relationships.

Abuse of any or all kinds is wrong, unacceptable and should never be tolerated. Capiche?

Here’s my response:

“Hi [name removed],

No, no, no. You’re thinking of the situation with this girl from the perspective of a guy, not of a girl. I don’t know a single girl/woman who feels flattered by a guy she’d just met telling her how hot her body looks, hourglass etc. Especially since she just met you. Any time a guy mentions to a girl or woman about her body and how good she looks, she immediately (and I mean immediately) realizes the guy is checking out her assets. Girls/women know that guys are visual beings, but we don’t like or appreciate it when men/guys make a point of telling us about it. It’s not that she has a poor body image, nope. It’s that she doesn’t want her “healthy body” scanned and critiqued by guys…

There’s a reason for the old saying, “My eyes are up HERE not down there” because of guys constantly checking out a girl’s chest, butt, hourglass figure etc. Girls don’t like that. Guys at dance clubs or nightclubs (stereotypical construction workers) that are staring…and ogling at women’s “assets” are typically thought of as sleeze balls, disgusting pigs and ignored. Slapped sometimes, lol. Plus, chances are this girl already knows she looks good, fit and healthy. There’s no way out of it, no damage control, because she already has it figured that you’re all into her body (and how her body likely turns you on) and she’s not the least bit interested in continuing a conversation with someone like that.

Here’s an example: Say you were at the same dance and some girl you were dancing with and barely knew at all tells you “you’ve got a great looking package from what I can tell with those pants you’re wearing”. I mean, seriously, how awkward would that be?! You would immediately know that she’s checking you out like that and coming on (really) strong with a sexual connotation. Someone you just met. Girls hate that.

Guys are going to check out girls bodies and how “healthy” they look and how fit they are. Girls don’t typically mention things like what you said to her. Women/girls notice a guy’s body too, but we usually keep it to ourselves, so as not to make the guy feel uncomfortable (like being put under a magnifying glass). Don’t ever put yourself in the situation of [being like] typical sleeze balls who act stupid with their guy friends, ogling and pointing out girls “assets” and making an a$$ of themselves trying to look cool and hip. You’ll get thrown into the sleeze ball category, and perhaps slapped. Again. Guys that say those sorts of things are believed to be “interested in one thing only” and you know what I mean by that. Girls don’t like it. Lesson learned?”

I realize there are exceptions to what I replied to this young guy. Some girls/women don’t mind at all when their ass-sets are ogled, stared at and “admired”. Some teenage girls and grown women even encourage such exchanges with guys they meet. Some women/girls accept these things as compliments and aren’t bothered by them at all. Obviously, this young girl was very upset by the things he said to her and she let him know that his “compliments” were inappropriate and he made her feel uncomfortable.

In his follow-up email, this teenage boy admitted to being “guilty of staring at her chest, further agitating her” in response to the quote “my eyes are up here, not down there”. He now understands that there is an art to flirting with girls and getting a girls attention, without coming across as crass or rude.

Teenage boys need to learn how to talk to teenage girls appropriately, so I suggested he search online for articles about conversation starters; what to say to girls and things NOT to say to girls; how to approach girls; how to flirt with girls (without using stupid pickup lines) like what is discussed in this article at Men’s Health on dating tips for guys.

Guys? Do you have a similar story you would like to share with this man, so he doesn’t feel like he’s the the only one who has ever gone through this? Ladies? What suggestions or tips would you add to help enlighten this young teenage guy for the future? Besides don’t get slapped again. He already knows. Make your suggestions or leave your comments for him below.

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Fans of The Bachelor reality television show on ABC are likely familiar with Reality Steve and his blog. Reality Steve, AKA Steve Carbone of Dallas, has revealed the final 4 Bachelor contestants and who Jake Pavelka picks as winner at the final rose ceremony, due to having a very reliable inside source.

There are many Bachelorette and Bachelor blogs, forums and message boards for fans to read recaps, spoilers and speculations about what happens before the show even airs on ABC, but if you really want to know the reality of what has been going on behind the scenes on The Bachelor, you have to read Reality Steve’s blog at realitysteve.com.

I’ve been a fan of a few “reality television” shows over the years, but the recent so-called sex scandal involving Bachelor contestant Rozlyn Papa and former producer Ryan Callahan has created a negative but well-deserved buzz about the show’s integrity and host, Chris Harrison. Rozlyn has said in interviews on National Television that there was no “inappropriate relationship” between her and Callahan whatsoever, no kissing, no sex, nothing “physical” as Chris Harrison has claimed.

Who is telling the truth? Who is lying? Why was Rozlyn Papa really kicked off The Bachelor, and if there was no inappropriate relationship or affair between Papa and Callahan, why is Rozlyn being raked over the coals? Reality Steve says the sex scandal is a lie and a hoax to get Rozlyn off the show because she had a meltdown conniption fit when she couldn’t talk to her young 7-year-old son on the phone every day as she was promised and started trashing the show.

The Bachelor Spoilers

WARNING: If you don’t want to know who Jake Pavelka chooses at the Final Rose Ceremony, stop reading NOW!

With some good editing and splicing of video and audio tape, Steve says the obviously scripted show created the appearance of an improper relationship where none existed. Reality Steve was right when he blew the top off the Jason Mesnick/Melissa/Molly fiasco and previous seasons with his spoiler blog, and it seems ABC will do just about anything to boost ratings for The Bachelor, including outright lie, manipulate and deceive viewers and fans of the show.

Have you noticed how Chris Harrison is oh-so-careful when choosing the words to imply the supposed sex scandal, never actually giving details about the “inappropriate relationship”, “unfortunate incident” or that it was a sexual affair? Harrison told RadarOnline.com “It was an incident that we’ve never had to deal with before. It was tough for everyone, the crew, the women and Jake. Hopefully we can quickly move past this and it won’t dominate the season. But definitely everyone will see what happens.”

Harrison has referred to the scandal as being a “physical relationship” but never refers to the “incident” as being a sexual relationship of any kind. Various reports online say some of the other female contestants saw Rozlyn snuggled up on the couch with the producer, where some said Rozlyn had her hand on Callahan’s leg. That’s it?! That is the “inappropriate relationship” that has been blown so far out of proportion that Rozlyn Papa gets kicked off the show for an alleged sexual affair and is being made out to be a cheating skank? Puh-leeeeze.

In an exclusive interview with RadarOnline, Rozlyn Papa vehemently denies the rumors that there was an inappropriate or sexual relationship between her and the then-crew member now known to be Ryan Callahan.

“No, I did not have a sexual relationship with a producer on the show,” Rozlyn said. “What they mean by inappropriate relationship is not what inappropriate relationship means in the real world.”

“I had a relationship with someone on the show that didn’t benefit them,” Rozlyn said, referring to the ABC network and the show’s senior producers. “We remained really close but we are not dating now,” Rozyln said of the since-fired producer.

“This is a TV show and it’s made for entertainment, but it is a far cry from reality,” Rozlyn revealed. “I know that things on television weren’t always as they seemed, but I had no idea the extent of the show manipulation.”

“ABC told me I could bring my son to the show to visit and that I could talk about him each day on the show,” Rozlyn told RadarOnline. “But then they didn’t let me. The other girls on the show all knew about my son and ABC kept telling me to hold off and not tell Jake about him yet. At that point all the other girls knew I had a son and they were spending time alone with Jake and it looked like I was hiding the information.”

Who do you believe is telling the truth about the scandal? Chris Harrison or 28 year-old former Bachelor contestant Rozlyn Papa? Rozlyn referred to the show as manipulated entertainment, where she has been used to boost ratings. Considering everything Reality Steve has revealed about the show and all the spoilers with the help of his insider source, I believe Rozlyn and not Chris Harrison or ABC.

WARNING: If you don’t want to know who the Final Four Bachelor contestants are, or who Jake Pavelka picks at the final rose ceremony, stop reading right now.

Final Four Contestants and Winner on The Bachelor Season 14

Reality Steve reveals that Tenley, Gia, Ali, and Vienna are your final four contestants on The Bachelor. Steve says that Ali voluntarily leaves the show at this point (possibly job related), leaving Tenley, Gia and Vienna as the final three. Who does Jake choose?

Gia gets sent home after the overnight dates, leaving Tenley and Vienna as the final two contestants for Jake to choose from to propose to and marry. Who does Jake choose at the ending rose ceremony finale? Jake chooses Vienna Girardi as his final choice over Tenley.

Whether or not Jake Pavelka actually proposes to Vienna at the Final Rose Ceremony Finale, or if the couple are still together or even engaged at this point is not known. Yet.

Head on over to Reality Steve’s blog at www.realitysteve.com for all the spicy recap details of what happens with each episode this season on The Bachelor.

ETA: Reality Steve Bachelor Spoilers vs ABC The Bachelor Mike Fleiss

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Are you an abused husband? Teenage boys, is your girlfriend abusing you? Does your wife, partner or girlfriend physically, mentally, emotionally or financially abuse you? What should abused men do if they are married to an abusive wife who is verbally, mentally, emotionally or perhaps even physically abusing her husband? Parents, have you taught your sons and daughters to identify the warning signs of abusive relationships, so they know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, in order to avoid becoming an abuse victim?

If you have sons or daughters who are dating or married, how would you react if you discovered they were being abused by the person who claims to love them? If you are a man who is dealing with an abusive spouse or partner, in or outside of the marriage covenant, the psychological damage of being an abused man by the woman you love must be heartbreaking for you.

Relationship Abuse by Abusive Women

Over the last several months, I have received numerous emails from men who say that their wife or girlfriend is not only verbally and emotionally abusive to them but also, in many cases, physically abusive. I am quite familiar with the reported statistics regarding abused men, just as I know the statistics about abused women. Unfortunately, those statistics do not tell the whole story because so many abused men and women do not report the abuse to the police, in order for there to be an accurate and updated database to go by.

Men who are abused by wives, girlfriends or significant others are much less likely to report the abuse to the police than women are, because society in general has not recognized, supported or provided the help, advice and assistance abused men want, need and deserve. Grown men and teenage boys are often left to suffer relationship abuse in silence while the emotional, mental and physical abuse by abusive women and girlfriends takes its toll on their victims.

Emotionally Abused Men

Emotionally abused men, even if not physically battered or beaten, are having their self-esteem and sense of “manhood” and masculinity destroyed from the inside out. There are no visible scars, wounds or bruises to use as evidence to prove to the police or anyone else that these men are being abused by their wives or girlfriends. But make no mistake, the wounds, bruises and scars of being verbally and mentally abused are obvious and constantly felt by the victim.

The shame, embarrassment and fear abused husbands and men feel about being laughed at, criticized and ridiculed by society, police and the court system must feel unbearable. Mentally and emotionally abused men are routinely put down, criticized and ridiculed by their own wives and girlfriends, only to be victimized again by society and those in uniform whose job it is to serve and protect law-abiding citizens.

Even when abused men or husbands choose to leave the relationship and get a divorce, they must face the uphill battle in divorce court to not lose everything they have worked so hard to achieve in life; fight the devastating child custody and visitation battles; deal with false accusations and threats from their abusive spouse, and the dirty tricks shoddy divorce lawyers use to win court cases for their clients. Men, what is on your list of non-negotiable deal breakers for the protection of your health and well-being?

Physically Abused Men

Single and married men are also physically abused and battered by the women in their lives. There is no difference between the kind of abuse women suffer from abusive men and the abuse men suffer at the hands of angry, controlling and abusive women. Abuse is abuse is abuse. Mentally and emotionally abusive relationships often lead to physical abuse at some point, so if you are man or teenage boy in a relationship where nothing physical has occurred yet, don’t be too quick to assume physical abuse won’t happen. It’s important to understand the four types of abusive behaviors that abusers inflict on those they claim to love, because one often accompanies the others, eventually.

A physically abusive relationship often begins with a “one-time” slap, kick or punch during a fight or argument, followed by the promise that “it will never happen again”, but it happens again the next time the couple has a fight. Thus begins the cycle of abuse. The “honeymoon phase” of the cycle includes plenty of good times together for the couple, where everything is peachy-keen (or seems to be), until the pendulum swings the other way and the next argument erupts and is worse than the last one.

If she will hit you once, she WILL hit you again. And again.

Abused men or teen boys know they are being abused by their spouse or girlfriend, but feel shame and helpless about what to do. Boys are often raised by parents to “never hit a girl”, even when circumstances require him to defend themselves against a violent attack in some way. When a man tries to defend himself while he is being battered, beaten, kicked or even stabbed by his wife or girlfriend, the men I’ve heard from say they are the ones who are arrested and hauled off to jail on battery charges. What happened to the women who viciously attacked these men? Nothing. Not a darn thing.

Unmarried, single men or teenage boys in abusive relationships should absolutely leave the relationship, walk away and never look back. What should abused husbands do? Leave and get a divorce lawyer and file for divorce, just like that? How do men, who have been mentally, verbally, physically and/or emotionally abused by their heartless wives, win child custody battles in divorce court without stooping to dirty lawyer tactics? What about the children of these marriages and relationships?

These are just some of the questions abused men have asked, and I will do my best to answer these questions and more in coming articles. Having had personal experience with an abusive marriage relationship many years ago, I get it. I get why these abused men stay and why they haven’t packed up and left their abusers saying “Eat My Dust!”. Yet. These men are filled with fear, but they are making needed changes in their attitudes towards the abuse and their abusers, and I’m betting that this year will be their year to break free from the abuse.

Do you have any suggestions, advice or tips for abused men you would like to share? Are you a man who is or was in an abusive relationship with a story to tell? Share your comments and thoughts below.

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Abused men are men and teenage boys who are in physically, mentally and emotionally abusive relationships involving partners, girlfriends or wives. Men who are abused do not get the respect, understanding, encouragement or support from society as a whole and are often criticized and ridiculed unfairly, further victimizing men who are abused.

Victims of domestic violence are not just women, wives or girlfriends. Domestic violence occurs with men too, and it’s about time abused men and society in general wake up to the alarming statistics about women, girlfriends and wives who abuse men and stop turning a deaf ear to the abuse men are experiencing.

Boyfriend and husband abuse is a reality in society and men who are abused by women need help, encouragement and support just as much as abused women do. Domestic violence against men, and abusive relationships of all types, do not discriminate and abuse occurs in all ethnic, racial and socio-economic groups.

When you hear the words “domestic violence” and physical, mental and/or emotional abuse, do you tend to think about women or girls who has been slapped, hit, punched, kicked, bullied, ridiculed, degraded, criticized and humiliated by a man? Domestic violence against women by men who claim to love them has been a serious problem for a very long time, but what about the men? What about men who are abused by women? Why do abused men stay in abusive relationships if it’s so bad, you may wonder.

Some women, girlfriends and wives are physically, mentally and emotionally aggressive in relationships with their boyfriends, partners or husbands. Abused men rarely come forward to share their experiences as domestic abuse victims because of fear. Abused men stay in abusive relationships and marriages for much the same reasons abused woman stay, with fear being the primary reason.

Men who are abused are often afraid of being stigmatized by others with fear of being labeled a dependent, spineless doormat, passive-aggressive “wimp” or “whipped” man with low self-worth. Men who are abused are often too afraid to tell or admit to others that they are being mentally or emotionally abused, if not physically, and view telling as a loss of their manhood.

The statistics for abused men who are beaten or battered by the women who claim to love them say that men are abused more than women are abused, battered, beaten and bruised by men. Unfortunately, physically abused and battered men tend not to call the police or report the abuse they have suffered at the hands of girlfriends or wives, and even when these men do call the police to report the violence, they’re pleas for help are often ignored.

The myths about abused men are astounding. Teen boys and men who are abused need to identify and recognize the warning signs of abusive relationships and take action. Love Doesn’t Hurt. Teenage girls, women or wives who are physical, emotional or psychological abusers gradually chip away at a man’s feelings of self-worth and independence in the same way angry, controlling, abusive men act towards women.

Emotionally Abused Men

Male victims of emotional abuse may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or marriage, often ignoring the symptoms that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship that can so quickly become physically abusive. Emotional abuse includes verbal attacks such as yelling, blaming, ridiculing, name-calling, intimidation, controlling behaviors, isolation from family or friends, shaming, threats of physical violence and more. Abuse of any kind – physical, mental or emotional abuse is an absolute deal breaker in my book and should be for anyone who experiences domestic violence in some form or fashion.

The scars of having been emotionally abused are very real and run very, very deep. Emotional abuse often escalates to the point of physical abuse and battery. Even death. Abusers do not change. Let me repeat that: Abusers do not change, and if you are a man or teenage boy who feels he must “walk on eggshells” around his partner, girlfriend or wife in order to “keep the peace” and try to prevent her from having a conniption fit about everything or anything – you are very likely in an unhealthy, controlling, abusive relationship and need to get out now.

See Toxic Relationships-Toxic Family Members for help figuring out if your girlfriend or wife is toxic or not.

There are many signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, and they are much the same as those that apply to women who are abused by men. Physically or emotionally abused men must not be allow abusive women to control them any longer. Not for one more minute, not for one more hour, and definitely not for one more day of their lives.

Having heard from several men who felt they were pressured into marriage by emotionally abusive girlfriends, plus having written articles about women abused by men, I feel a responsibility and desire to address the issues involving abused men.

Just as I recommended to these men that they read the book, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence authored by Phillip W. Cook, I implore and strongly suggest that men who feel they are being physically, mentally or emotionally abused by a partner, girlfriend or wife to not only read the abused men book but also seek help now. Your very life may depend on it.

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