Thank you, Lin, for asking me to guest post on the topic of narcissism and its deadly effects. This is a subject that has come into its own. Lin’s awesome post, Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members has garnered almost 200 comments and 700+ Facebook “likes” since it was written three years ago.

Many more resources are available to folks who find themselves in a relationship with these insidious people than when my co-author, Lori Hoeck, and I first wrote The Narcissist: A User’s Guide a scant eighteen months ago. Since then, our User’s Guide e-book has been downloaded over a thousand times, and continues at a steady rate.

People are recognizing that they’re dealing with a person whose behavior hinges upon creating a partner dynamic designed to elevate the narcissistic person’s self-esteem by way of depleting it in another person. Where the struggle remains is what I’m going to discuss in this post.

It would be wonderful to say that the incidence of narcissism has declined since Lori, Lin, others and myself have sounded the alarm bells. This doesn’t appear to be the case. If anything, it appears that narcissism might have increased somewhat as the recognition factors became more well-known.

We’ll never truly know whether this perception is accurate, however, because, as Lori and I were among the first non-academics to point out, narcissists rarely seek treatment. There’s something wrong with them, not everyone else, after all. Estimates vary widely concerning the incidence of narcissistic personality disorder within the general population, ranging from .5% all the way up to 16%.

The negative effects these toxic people have are highly disproportionate to their numbers, whatever those numbers may ultimately be. Direct interaction with them creates dread and drains emotional energy, but we also expend additional energy anticipating, deflecting and developing strategies to neutralize their behavior. Extended interaction with narcissists in the workplace or social/family situations can be detrimental to physical health as well, with partners exhibiting physical manifestations of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and other effects.

Still, even with the word getting out about how dangerous these people can be to good emotional health, many of us find ourselves ill equipped to deal with narcissists effectively. Lori and I have received many heartbreaking stories from people – both men and women, gay and straight – who were caught totally off-guard and sucked into a relationship with a Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde-like charmer. The pattern is fairly predictable:

• the person initially appears too good to be true
• an escalating series of interactions where the partner is caught off-guard and devalued
• incidences of hypersensitivity and overreaction (including rage) to criticism, perceived slights or other behaviors in the partner they deem unacceptable
• increasing demands for narcissistic supply and corresponding passivity from the partner
• difficulties in ending the relationship because the partner is emotionally incapacitated and/or fearful of physical or emotional retaliation

Many self-help references get hung up on understanding the whys and hows behind narcissists becoming what they are. It’s all fine and good, but this is where most people get stuck. They think it’s their fault: if they only were better at holding up their end of the relationship, it would improve.

You must know what you can do other than blame yourself. Yet, time after time, we see well-meaning advisors who have the non-narcissist partner adapting in an attempt to create a more harmonious relationship. The problem with this advice is it amplifies the root causes of the toxic dynamic and can actually exacerbate its troublesome aspects.

As a result of the research and personal experience that prompted us to write The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, Lori and I concluded the most effective way to deal with a narcissistic person is to minimize contact. Ideally, you would eliminate it completely, but of course, this isn’t always possible. Ultimately, you’re going to have to reduce it to the bare minimum. In our e-book we provide strategies and scripts you can really use when you’re ready for that path.

Once you’ve left the relationship, you can’t let your guard down. There’s evidence to suggest a repetitive pattern in many co-dependents. If this kind of relationship is only what you know, then you may sub-consciously seek it over and over again. Fortunately, if you recognize this as a pattern in your relationships, you can overcome its causative factors and be on the lookout for triggers that affect you. For some this is a life-long process, but it’s well worth the vigilance.

If you or anyone you know is in a relationship with a toxic individual, you owe it to them or yourself to be aware that it’s undeserved and there are ways to escape. Lori and I used to say that if we helped just one person put behind the agony that these relationships cause, our own painful experiences would be vindicated. I think it’s safe to say we’ve done that, and we’re asking you to pass things along. We’ll probably never eradicate narcissistic behavior, but we don’t have to tolerate its toxic effects, either.

Be sure to “Like” The Narcissist: A User’s Guide on Facebook – Stop struggling with toxic people and learn to deal with them on your own terms!

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Dallas’ own Steve Carbone, AKA the Reality Steve blog at realitysteve.com, revealed the season spoilers for Brad Womack’s second chance shot at love on The Bachelor four whole weeks before the premiere aired on ABC. Great job Steve!

After last season’s debacle of RealitySteve being wrong about Ali, saying she didn’t choose anyone and was single when Ali actually picked Roberto at the final rose ceremony, it’s quite entertaining reading Steve’s spoiler blog and his sarcastic episode recap’s of Brad Womack’s season on The Bachelor.

The tabloid rag mags have been having a field day with Bachelor contestant Michelle Money, but according to Reality Steve, other contestants on the oh-so-popular reality show will also find themselves gracing the covers of your favorite birdcage liner tabloids soon enough.

On his blog, Reality Steve has the complete breakdown of what happens on each and every one-on-one date and group dates, who received a rose and which ladies were sent packing. The catfights amongst these women contestants are comical. The tears, the jealousy, who gets more time with Brad than the other girls. Snif. That’s enough to keep us wanting to watch The Bachelor, regardless of who Brad picked, proposed to and got engaged to in the end. Or did he?

Knowing the lengths ABC and producers of The Bachelor (and The Bachelorette) will go for ratings and viewership, with that insane legally binding contract each contestant must sign, makes it much easier to watch Bachelor and The Bachelorette with a realistic understanding of how contestants are portrayed on TV after all the splicing and dicing and editing of video tape is finished.

Monday night’s Bachelor NASCAR episode will show blond beauty Emily Maynard from Charlotte NC visibly upset during the NASCAR tryouts group date, since Emily was engaged to Ricky Hendrick from well known Hendricks Motor Sports until his untimely death in a plane crash in 2004 along with nine others.

Just five days after Ricky died, Emily found out she was pregnant with Ricky’s baby girl, who is now five years old. Emily has been quoted as saying that no matter how the NASCAR episode is shown to viewers and the obvious emotional toll it took on her, shooting the episode helped bring her some needed “closure”.

Chantal O’Brien slapping Brad Womack across the face when they first met was an obvious setup, and various online sites have said the producers told Chantal to do it. No surprise there. Chantal is a good competitor vying for Brad’s heart (and engagement ring), and between Emily and Chantal and a couple other of our favorite contestants, Brad has a tough decision to make in choosing one of these ladies to become his wife.

Who will Brad Womack pick? Care to make a guess? Who do you think Brad should choose? Do you care?

Reality Steve Bachelor Final Four and Winner Spoiler

***If you don’t want to know who the final four contestants are, or who Brad Womack chose to propose to from the final two girls, stop reading now.

When the Bachelor show gets down to the final four contestants, that’s when things really get interesting and intense. The hometown dates (airing February 21st) are always interesting to watch. How the girl’s families and friends will feel about Brad and whether Brad feels he would fit into the family dynamic if he chooses this or that girl must be terrifying for him.

The final four contestants on Brad’s season of The Bachelor are Emily Maynard from Charlotte North Carolina, Chantal O’Brien from Mercer Island MA, Ashley Hebert from Madawaska ME, and Shawntel Newton from Chico California. Shawntel Newton doesn’t get a rose and is eliminated at the rose ceremony, leaving the final three.

The final three contestants head to South Africa for the overnight dates, where Ashley Hebert is eliminated. That leaves Emily Maynard and Chantal O’Brien as the Final Two contestants on season 16 of The Bachelor. Reality Steve says he’s absolutely positive that he’s right in who Brad picked at the final rose ceremony, propose and hopefully get engaged to. Brad actually chooses someone this time! Who did Brad pick?

In the end, Brad chose Chantal O’Brien to (hopefully) become his wife. The girl who slapped Brad across the face shortly after getting out of the limo. Reality Steve says he’ll be vindicated on March 14th, when the final rose ceremony airs on ABC, and everyone sees for themselves that he was right. This time. Apparently Brad spent the Thanksgiving holiday in Palm Springs California with Chantal and her family at the family’s private vacation home called the Hideaways, one week after filming ended.

Whether or not Brad and Chantal are able to build their relationship and actually get married remains to be seen. The odds of Bachelor/Bachelorette couples actually making it down the aisle and run off into the sunset together have been lousy. Time will tell and we can only wish the lovebirds the best of luck. Reality Steve’s blog (www.realitysteve.com) will surely keep us all informed on any new news, twists and turns in Brad and Chantal’s relationship and if a wedding will actually take place.

No telling what will happen on the Bachelor’s Women Tell All (airing March 7th), what possible drama will be stirred up among the contestants, but thankfully there haven’t been any crazy sex scandals this season. Who should be the new Bachelorette? Emily Maynard? What do you think? Who will be the next Bachelorette? Which Bachelor contestant would get your vote to become the Bachelorette?

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Christian parenting of adult children, and step-parenting grown adult children in Christian families, has lead to several questions from readers on the matter of helping vs. enabling adult children. The questions came from numerous parenting articles here, where I discuss the problems many parents and step-parents are having with grown children, especially in regards to the adult children asking for money or needing some kind of monetary “help” on a regular basis.

Mothers, fathers, step-mothers and step-fathers, have emailed me asking for tips and advice on how to handle their parenting problems with their adult children, from a Christian perspective. Some parents even asked for Bible scripture quotes and biblical principles for them to share with their grown kids, to help explain why the parents should not, could not and will not give the grown children money and/or pay their bills. Trust me, if there were ever public speaking opportunities for me to discuss parents enabling adult children, I would not have to be asked twice.

The answers to the questions involve many aspects of parenting adult children and married life, not only for Christians, but for any parent who may be enabling their grown children without realizing the harm done by this behavior. The Christian responsibility of fathers and mothers; the husband’s role in marriage and the wife’s role; the subject of leaving and cleaving; what “giving away the bride” means in Christian wedding ceremonies; traditional wedding vows brides and grooms make to each other, are all involved in these problems. Christian parents of adult children, are you helping or enabling your grown kids?

It came as no surprise that the subject of step-parenting adult children, children who are full-grown married adults with or without kids of their own, challenged parenting skills to the max and were creating marriage problems between the enabling parent and his/her spouse. To me, parenting is parenting, regardless of whether the parents or family are Christian or church-going families or not. There are, of course, scriptures and Bible principles for Christian parents of adult children that offer assistance in these difficult, often emotionally-charged, sensitive matters.

Christian Parenting – Parenting Adult Children

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” – Proverbs 22:6

From infancy to adulthood, Solomon instructs Christian parents of the importance and God-appointed parental responsibility of teaching, training and disciplining children to love and fear God; to obey their parents; to learn how to be a responsible adult in society; and to live a clean, righteous and moral life, to name a few. Parents, Christian believers or not, have an enormous challenge training children in today’s society, with the prevalent attitude of “it’s all about me” often shown in young children, teenagers and grown adult children.

We live in a generation of entitlement, where kids of all ages are growing up as selfish, arrogant, ignorant, rebellious, lazy, immature, disrespectful, profane, foolish, wasteful children, believing the world and parents owe them everything they want. Financially irresponsible adult children and adult step-children continue to drain their parents bank accounts and retirement accounts due to their own poor judgment, poor money-management skills, and an ever-growing want list because the kids refuse to grow up and won’t tell themselves No.

“But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever.” – 1 Timothy 5:8

Husband Role in Christian Marriage

One Christian father emailed me saying his son-in-law would not work, preferring to play video games all day, while the father’s daughter struggled to provide for and feed her family with two young children, which included regularly asking the father for money to pay bills and cover their basic needs. Apparently, no one taught or explained to this young man the husband’s role in the Bible, or about Christian marriage roles and responsibilities for husbands and wives.

Men, when you get married, you immediately become duty-bound in God’s eyes to fulfill the roles and responsibilities of providing for and caring for the needs of your wife and children, something that your wife’s father and/or mother is no longer responsible for. Whether brides and grooms recite the traditional Christian wedding vows or not, before God and witnesses the man and woman getting married promise to “have and to hold from this day forward for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live.”

Giving Away the Bride

For Christians, marriage is a covenant relationship, not a simple contract. Some Christian wedding traditions and customs, like the father giving away the bride, cause some people to cringe or wince at the mere mention of this custom. Modern brides and grooms may not like nor allow the traditional words “who gives this woman in marriage to this man?” to be included in their wedding ceremony, because of the historical origin those words came from.

The words “Who gives this bride away?“ or some alternative wording are considered to be so controversial, if not abhorrent, that anyone attending a wedding officiated by a justice of the peace may find those words excluded from the ceremony altogether. For Christian wedding ceremonies, the act of the father walking his daughter down the aisle and “giving the bride away” to the groom, is a very important part of a wedding ceremony for many parents.

The father, as head of the house, is not just presenting his daughter in marriage to a man he approves of. By giving away his daughter in marriage, and placing her hand into the groom’s hand during the ceremony, the bride’s parents are thereby demonstrating their blessing on the marital union AND are symbolizing the transferal of responsibility and care onto the husband. Saying the words “I Do”, right before repeating wedding vows to each other, the bride and the groom thus express their willing acceptance of all responsibilities marriage brings and are duty-bound before God to fulfill them to the best of their ability.

Cutting the Apron Strings

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” – Genesis 2:24

The scripture quote found above, located at Genesis 2:24, is repeated at Ephesians 5:31, showing God’s pattern for marriage to include a “leaving” of one’s parents and a “cleaving” to one’s spouse. Leaving and cleaving is a shifting of allegiance from the parents before marriage, to a marriage allegiance between husband and wife alone. Psychologists call this “cutting the psychological apron strings”, which requires a letting go of responsibilities, financial support and control that parents previously had with their children.

Single or married adult children living with parents, in-laws or grandparents, cannot develop full independence and adult responsibility that being an adult requires while living with their parents. Dependence on parents or others to give support financially stops when couples marry or move out to live on their own as full grown adults, and parents should help encourage and promote such independence and responsibility.

Mental, emotional and spiritual support, guidance and encouragement for married children need not stop, and occasional financial help when truly needed. God requires parents to “let go” of their adult children, to allow their grown kids the room and space needed to live their lives as adults, to make their mistakes and to find ways to fix their own self-made problems, rather than running to rescue their children from each and every poor decision made. How else will grown kids learn how to be an adult, independent and responsible, except by their own diligent efforts?

How to Be a Good Christian Husband

In the Bible, the Christian husband’s role in marriage to his wife begins with the announcement by the minister or church Pastor that the couple is now pronounced “husband and wife“, during the Christian wedding ceremony. Christian husbands not only assume the primary leadership role in their marriage as “head of the house”, but Ephesians 5: 28-29 tells husbands to love their wives in the same way that they love their own bodies, including feeding and caring for their wives, as good Christian husbands do.

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.” – NIV

Good husbands, especially Christian believers, happily comply with biblical principles to work and make enough money to sufficiently provide for all of life’s basic necessities for his wife and children. A fundamental failure as a husband in marriage is when Christian husbands neglect their God-given responsibility as provider of their family’s needs, leaving their wives to take on the husband role as head of the household, rather than her wifely role as helper or helpmate.

Unfortunately, some Christian ministers fail to discuss in detail the husband’s role and wife’s role in marriage prior to the hectic wedding ceremony, leaving those fine Scriptural principals about marital roles and responsibilities to go unheard. Dating and engaged couples who are considering marriage, or couples already planning their wedding, should carefully ask themselves and each other if they are really ready to be married, before getting married. You’ll be glad you did, and so will your Christian parents who want you to be happy in your marriage, and your mom and dad’s bank account to be left intact.

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Choosing the perfect wedding venue for local or destination weddings tops the list of things to do when planning a wedding. Catlin Gardens is an exquisite wedding venue in Slate Hill, NY, with an equally elegant Catlin Gardens Inn adjacent to the Victorian-style Manor House.

Nestled on 5 acres of the most beautiful, award-winning, flower-filled lavish gardens brides can imagine, Catlin Gardens is an excellent place for a destination wedding, graduation party, wedding vow renewal ceremony and reception, cocktail reception party, special occasions or business meetings in or around upstate New York.

Catlin Gardens and the adjacent Catlin Gardens Inn is located on Route 6 in Slate Hill, New York, just minutes from Round Hill and Middletown New York. The Inn has 40 guestrooms, featuring fine linens, fireplaces, fitness center, Jacuzzis, indoor pool, Irish-style pub, room service and complimentary breakfast, plus an extraordinary terrace overlooking a meadow.

Catlin Gardens Slate Hill NY

Catlin Gardens and the Inn at Catlin Gardens is surrounded by five acres of luscious sunken gardens, strolling pathways covering one half mile, water fountains, cascading waterfalls, romantic bridges, garden trellis and over 12,000 breathtaking blooming flora for a perfect wedding ceremony and reception. Besides the amazingly manicured landscaping and incredible view at Catlin Gardens, the outdoor wedding ceremony, cocktail hour area and catering banquet hall are magnificent in their beauty.

Brides who are looking for a magical, romantic wedding venue location in New York, need not look any further. Catlin Gardens in Slate Hill is a fantastic setting for a perfect wedding and reception, accommodating up to 210 seated guests, and will prove to be well beyond your wildest dreams or imagination. Picturesque perfect is what Catlin Gardens is all about, in the charming Hudson Valley hamlet of Slate Hill, and calling or visiting this family-owned and operated special occasion/wedding venue castle should be number one on a bride and groom’s to-do list.

Having recently attended a wedding at Catlin Gardens, there is no question as to why Catlin Gardens and the Inn is Hudson Valley’s most sought-after wedding venue, and why Catlin Gardens have received rave reviews. The Stack family owners (Jack Stack, his son John and daughter Stephanie, and John’s wife Jennifer) have every reason to be proud of Catlin Gardens and the newly opened Catlin Gardens Inn.

In a recent interview with the Times Herald, the owners discussed plans for the $7 million Inn and the Irish pub that will be open to the public for lunch and dinner, as well as the opening of a day spa.

“Eventually, we’ll be opening a day spa, so it’ll be, ‘Drop your keys and stay the weekend,’” Stephanie Stack said.

The Inn will include banquet rooms, including a smaller room with a wine cellar theme that will be suitable for rehearsal dinners and parties. Bridal suites and extra “green rooms” will accommodate makeup and hair for the bridal party.

“We’re hoping to become a destination,” Jennifer Stack said. “If you walk a bride through here, you don’t even have to sell the facility,” Jennifer says. “It’s like a fairy tale. Even the inn looks like a castle.”

The property has come a long way since 1990, when it was just the 19th-century house and the gardens along Catlin Creek, which patriarch Jack Stack designed and built himself. His daughter, Stephanie, got married in the gardens — and an idea was born. By 1997, the manor house had been converted to a catering hall, and Jennifer and John Stack — Jack’s son — were the first couple married in the hall.”

I couldn’t agree more. The staff at Catlin Gardens were spectacular and extremely helpful throughout the entire weekend wedding and reception. Jamie in particular is a staff member who deserves a lot of praise and thanks (and a pay raise), as he kindly took care of every detail, no matter how trivial the requests. Nearly every wedding has some kind of last minute problem to be solved, and Jamie was quick to bring whatever was required to fill the need.

Jamie kept the entire wedding party relaxed and organized, ensuring everyone had plenty of food and drinks (ie cocktails), giving the entire bridal party directions and detailed explanation as to how the wedding event and reception would occur, right down to its final blissful moments. The Catlin Gardens wedding menu packages and wedding cake selections are a sight to behold, and you’ll leave the facility tour and scheduled taste testing appointment fully appreciating the hard work and skill of the Culinary Institute of America-trained Chef.

Apparently Catlin Gardens has jobs available for area people looking for work too, interviewing for a variety of full and part-time positions such as Housekeeping Supervisor, Housekeepers, Cooks, Waitstaff, Bartenders, Front Desk and Night Auditor. Interested job applicants should email their resume to jobs@catlingardens.com for interview opportunities.

Catlin Gardens offers different wedding/reception packages, with price quotes for the middle range package somewhere around $139 per person (plus tax & gratuity), and the cheaper package somewhere around $99 per person + tax & gratuity. To discuss a negotiated price, if allowed, contact Stephanie Stack or visit the Catlin Gardens website at www.catlingardens.com.

Fulfilling every bride’s wish for a Cinderella dream wedding within the wedding budget makes Catlin Gardens and the Catlin Gardens Inn a favorite wedding venue, receiving praiseworthy reviews from The Knot Wedding Shop, if not THE BEST wedding venue in upstate New York.

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Planning a bridal shower, especially if it’s your first time and you’re not quite sure how to throw a bridal shower for the bride-to-be, is not only exciting and fun but can also be stressful. Having a bridal shower checklist at your fingertips, that lists all the things to do in preparation for the upcoming wedding bridal shower, helps keep the party hostess organized and stress-free.

Showering the bride with gifts, friendship and love by close friends and family is the purpose of a bridal shower, and bridal shower etiquette traditionally says a shower should be held at least four to six weeks before the wedding for practical reasons. If you or someone you know is planning to throw a surprise bridal shower, or the party is being held closer to the wedding date, feel free to adjust the details or timeline of the checklist according to your needs.

If you’re considering throwing a surprise bridal shower, talk with the bride and groom’s family and friends for help with compiling the guest list of full names and addresses. Be sure to include information on the Bridal Shower Invitations and “save the date” cards that the shower is a surprise, so invited guests don’t accidentally spoil the surprise.

Sending out “Save the Date” cards to everyone on the guest list, very early in the planning process, helps build excitement and anticipation for the bridal or personal shower amongst all the attendees, but also alerts all guests to mark their calendar and watch for the formal invitation arriving in the mail soon.

The Knot Wedding Shop says to begin planning the bridal shower and all the details as early as possible, even if the bridal shower is still six to eight or more weeks away. The more time you give yourself to plan and arrange everything for the shower, you will feel more confident and relaxed when the big day arrives, rather than rushed. Last minute bridal showers can be unique and fun too, but hosting a bridal shower at the last minute only adds to the stress and can become chaotic.

Bridal Shower Checklist

6 to 8 Weeks Before the Shower

• Decide the date, time and location of the bridal shower with the bride and groom, unless the shower is a surprise. Does the bride want a women-only shower or a co-ed couples shower?

• Traditionally, the Maid or Matron of Honor is responsible for hosting the bridal shower, with help from the bridesmaids. Confer and decide on the shower budget with all who will participate and help with the expenses, and make a detailed to-do list of tasks and who is assigned to perform each task.

• Prepare the guest list of names, addresses, phone numbers and email addresses with help from the couple, or the bride and groom’s family if it is a surprise shower. Review the guest list carefully so no one is forgotten and hurt feelings occur.

• If the shower will be held at a restaurant, private club or special occasion venue, reserve the date and time as soon as possible.

• Decide on the bridal shower theme, style or color. Possible bridal shower themes might be a Wine and Cheese Tasting Shower; an afternoon Tea Bridal Shower; a Beach Bridal Shower; a Hawaiian Luau shower; a Kitchen Shower; a Garden Bridal Shower; a Lingerie Shower, just to name a few ideas.

• Make your own bridal shower invitations or purchase shower invites. Printable bridal shower invitations can be personalized in many ways and printed from your computer on card stock paper, along with personalized envelopes.

4 to 6 weeks Before the Shower

• Prepare and mail invitations (with directions and map) to all invited guests, being sure to include Bridal Registry and RSVP details.

• If you are planning on playing bridal shower games or special activities at the shower, decide which games or activities will be played and gather needed party supplies like pens and paper, plus game prizes and bridal shower favors.

• If catering the bridal shower, reserve the caterer as soon as possible.

• Order the bridal shower cake

• Order the flowers and balloon bouquets (if applicable)

• Make or purchase the shower decorations, centerpieces, paper goods, bridal shower wishing well, candles, music, nametags, etc.

• Brainstorm the menu of foods and beverages to be served at the bridal shower, and create lists of ingredients to buy to complete the shower menu.

2 to 3 Weeks Before the Shower

• Finalize the shower menu and who will bring what, if not a catered event. The menu should reflect the shower theme. Plan to serve a variety of foods and refreshments in appropriate amounts, including a few options for guests who may have dietary restrictions or food allergies.

• Buy your shower gift for the bride from the bridal registry, or if an intimate personal shower, purchase the bride’s personal gift(s) and gift wrap them immediately.

• Purchase champagne or spirits, if serving alcohol at the shower.

• Make your shopping list of ingredients needed for the menu.

• If needed, pick up any borrowed or reserved rental equipment such as punch bowls, cake stands, crystal wine glasses or tea service, serving platters and stereo equipment, party props, etc.

1 Week Before the Shower

• Pick up needed chairs, tables, dishes, utensils, linens, etc.

• Finalize the number of confirmed guests, and make phones calls to guests who have not yet RSVP’d. Catered bridal showers and showers held at special venues or restaurants need the final count in order to know how much food and drinks to prepare and serve, and the final count is part of what determines the total cost of renting the venue space.

• Confirm reservations (if applicable)

• Place food orders (if applicable)

• Clean your home or hire someone to clean for you (if applicable)

• Decide what you will wear to the shower, making sure your outfit is clean, pressed and ready.

• Buy film for camera or purchase disposable cameras for guests to take pictures.

1 to 2 Days Before Shower

• Decorate your home, arrange furniture and set tables (if applicable)

• Set up extra seating or chairs for guests

• Wash and prepare china and/or crystal, if needed

• Have a large trash bag ready for wrapping paper and trash

• Pick up the bridal shower cake

• Purchase beverages, prepare food, buy ice

• Make street signs, if necessary

The Big Day Has Arrived!

• If shower is being held somewhere other than your home, arrive at the venue at least 30 minutes prior to guests and honoree. Shower helper’s should arrive early to help.

• Set out party favors on tables

• Create a gift-opening area with the guest of honor’s chair, scissors, large trash bags, pen and paper nearby for listing gift items and from whom. Save the ribbons for the rehearsal bouquet!

• Light candles

• Pick up balloons (if needed) and finish any last minute decorating

• Prepare and set out beverages or punch, drink glasses, plates, napkins, cups and silverware

• Prepare and set out food on buffet table

• Warmly greet and introduce each guest to others as they arrive

Take a deep breath and relax. Enjoy hosting the bridal shower and have fun, as you have done everything necessary to plan a perfect bridal shower party for the bride-to-be!

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A bridal shower party (or couple shower) is a gift-giving party held for the bride-to-be in anticipation of her wedding. Gifts are given to the bride at her bridal shower to “shower” her and the groom with gifts to help them begin their new life together on the right foot.

The history of bridal showers is said to have grown out of dowry practices, originating in the 1890’s, and is common in our modern day in the U.S., Canada and Australia. If unable to attend a bridal shower you have been invited to, there are varying opinions on whether or not you should still send a gift. When in doubt, send a gift.

Who can throw a Bridal Shower? Traditionally, the maid or matron of honor is responsible for organizing and hosting a bridal shower, often with help from the bridesmaids. If the Maid of Honor lives out of town or is unable or unwilling to throw a bridal shower party for the bride, it is perfectly fine for someone else to do the honors.

Bridal Shower Planning

Past “traditional” etiquette for bridal showers dictated that mothers, or other immediate family members such as sisters or aunts, should not be involved in the planning of a bridal or personal shower. Modern bridal shower etiquette rules have changed to a more relaxed view, as many couples nowadays plan and pay for their own weddings, so family members often do participate in planning a bridal shower, personal shower or couples shower.

Another change to the traditional etiquette rules for bridal showers is about brides marrying for the second, third or more times. Old tradition rules said bridal showers were not held for second time brides, and certainly not for women marrying for three or more times. Modern bridal shower etiquette rules have disregarded and eliminated the old, archaic tradition. A bridal shower rule that remains the same in modern times is the bride never hosts her own bridal shower party.

When should a Bridal Shower be held? Traditional bridal shower etiquette says that, for practical reasons, a shower should be held at least four to six weeks before the wedding. However, there is nothing wrong with a bridal shower being held closer to the wedding date, provided that the busy bride and most of her family and friends can attend the shower. Traditional etiquette says the shower should be a surprise and held at least two weeks prior to the wedding, but surprise bridal showers may not be the most convenient for a bride and invited guests to attend, plus engagement parties and a Bachelorette party. Talk to the bride or use your best judgment.

Where should a Bridal Shower be held? There is no etiquette rule about where bridal showers can be held. Basic bridal shower guides list a private home, restaurant, garden park, special wedding party venue, church, country club, outdoor recreation area, or a hotel banquet room as possible ideas of where bridal showers are held. Choosing the location for the bridal shower depends upon the number of guests invited, type or theme of the party, budget, time and day of the shower, etc.

Tip: Shower guests should never be required to pay for their own meal. If a catered bridal shower is too expensive for the budget, or the costs of hosting a bridal or personal shower at a restaurant is too high a price to pay, don’t do it at those locations. Traditionally, people who are not invited to the wedding are not invited to the shower, unless there are very special reasons for doing so. Use your best judgment.

Who should be invited to a Bridal Shower? Women in the wedding party (or the entire wedding party if a couples shower), mothers and step-mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, aunts and female cousins of the bride and groom, and the bride’s closest friends and/or coworkers. It is a personal decision whether to include and invite every woman invited to the wedding or not. A modern trend is to host a large bridal shower, where virtually everyone the bride knows receives an invitation to the shower.

Bridal Shower Etiquette

A traditional bridal shower is meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride’s closest friends and family. So-called “proper” bridal shower etiquette says the guest list should be a group no larger than ten to twenty invited guests, but medium to large bridal showers (100-300 guests) are becoming more the norm due to large families, step-families and the steady increase of couples showers.

Bridal shower games are not a required part of bridal showers, but serve the purpose as an “ice breaker” with guests who don’t know each other. If games will not be played at the bridal shower, be sure to begin the shower with introductions and/or provide nametags for all guests in attendance.

Thank you notes are an absolute must. Thank you’s from the bride should be sent to each person who provides a gift. Guests who purchase bridal shower gifts together, or guests who go in on a gift with each other, each individual person must receive a personal thank you note. Thank you notes should be mailed out within a couple of weeks following the shower, with an extra special thank you for the bridal shower hostess.

There are varying opinions on whether it is inconsiderate or rude to ask shower guests to write their names and addresses down on an envelope at the shower, to “help expedite” the mailing out of thank you notes. Some feel the idea is wonderful and thoughtful, while the vast majority apparently feel as I do that, as busy as the bride is prior to her wedding day, taking time to write out personalized thank you notes to her party guests for gifts received is a small but important part of what bridal showers are all about.

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