Remembering September 11, 2008 – In Memory of 9/11

September 11, 2008 marks the seven-year anniversary of 9/11, with memorial events and tributes taking place in New York City and other areas to honor and remember the victims of September 11, 2001, in remembrance of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon that killed thousands of innocent men, women and children.

Whether or not you are able to attend commemoration activities at Ground Zero or in your local communities, take a few moments and say a prayer for the victims of 9/11 and the families left behind without the people they love. I still remember where I was and what I was doing at the time the attacks occurred and I’m sure you do too, and we will never forget what happened on Tuesday, September 11, 2001 for as long as we live.

In Memory of September 11

What Grown Children Owe Their Parents

What do grown children owe their parents? Do adult children owe their parents for what they’ve done while growing up? What does honor thy father and honor thy mother really mean? What are the duties and responsibilities towards elderly parents by their children, and how do these responsibilities relate to the scriptural requirement to cleave in a marriage relationship?

The challenges of parenting parents in their advanced years can often cause personal and financial problems in marriages and families, but it’s a shame when grown children use the word “owe” when discussing how or IF they will provide care for their aging parents, as if what parents do for their children while raising them is somehow a debt that must be repaid in full.

Some children have grown up in abusive or neglectful homes, using those past experiences and memories as an excuse not to help or assist in providing needed care and attention to their elderly parents, with the selfish attitude of “I didn’t ask to be born” or, “I don’t have to take care of my parents because of x, y, z done to me while growing up”.

Caring For Elderly Parents

Getting along with aging parents can be a challenge, and you don’t have to be part of the Sandwich Generation to appreciate the difficulties and conflicts that sometimes arise in marriages and families while taking care of mom and/or dad. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Throughout our own lives and the lives of parents, genuine forgiveness for past hurts and misdeeds is a sign of maturity and good character as opposed to holding onto a lifelong grudge that hurts no one but you.

Jane English, a philosophy professor at the University of North Carolina, was asked the question “What do grown children owe their parents?” English’s response was “nothing”, arguing that “grown children have no filial obligations to their parents, but that there are things that children ought to do for their parents, but they do not owe them things”.

Caring for aging or elderly parents is not so much a question of whether the aged generation should be taken care of, but more of a question of who should take care of them. Isn’t caring for elderly parents just the right and moral thing for their children and families to do?

Don’t we all hope that when we are old and needing help of some kind that our children would without question or a moments hesitation be willing to come to our aid, rather than having the attitude of “owing” such help? Or worse, completely ignore the parent’s plea for help or need of help, and simply decide to let the state or society handle their care.

Honor Thy Father and Mother

The United States Catholic Catechism for Adults says “children owe their parents respect, gratitude, just obedience and assistance” as part of the Ten Commandments in the Old Testament. The commandment says to “Honor thy father and mother…that thou mayest live long on the earth.” Nowhere in the text does it say “Honor thy father and mother” IF:

  1. If they are good parents…
  2. If they stay together in marriage until death do them part…or
  3. If they did everything right as parents or as individuals, etc.

Nor does it say that children owe their parents love, which is another common excuse used by adult children not wishing to provide care for their parents saying, “I don’t love my parents so I don’t need to do anything for them”. The scriptural text simply and clearly states that children are to honor their parents. To Honor means “to dignify; to raise to distinction or notice; to bestow honor upon; to elevate in rank or station; to ennoble; to exalt; to glorify; hence, to do something to honor; to treat in a complimentary manner or with civility”.

Taking care of elderly parents is primarily the responsibility and moral obligation of families and the individual needing care, and the state can assist as needed. There are state programs available that may be able to provide financial assistance by paying caregivers or family members that are having difficulty in dealing with elderly parents and the increasing need for care that can become quite costly.

Cleave

The definition of cleave is “to adhere closely; to stick; to hold fast; to cling” and, “to unite or be united closely in interest or affection; to adhere with strong attachment”. So, how do you balance “leave and cleave” with honoring your parents at the same time? “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24)

The parent-child relationship is the temporary one…there will be a “leaving.” The husband-wife relationship is the permanent one (let not man put asunder-Matthew 19:6). When an adult child has gotten married and the parent/child relationship remains primary or the first priority, the newly formed marital union is seriously threatened.

Cleaving indicates such intimate closeness that there is to be no closer relationship than that between the two spouses, not with any former friend or with any parent. They are to become “one flesh”. When a parent deliberately or unknowingly violates the biblical principles found in Genesis 2:24, they should be respectfully disobeyed. It is necessary to distinguish real physical and emotional needs from the “felt needs” of an overbearing, meddling, controlling and demanding parent.

Whether or not there is good relationship between grown children and their parents, there is still the need to provide care for elderly parents in order to lead a truly peaceful, happy and contented life, but also because St. Peter may call your name one day as well as mine, and the choices we all make in life will determine if we’re on St. Peter’s list or not.

Related Posts:

Caring For Our Elderly Parents
One Flesh in Marriage
What Parents Owe Their Children
Taking Care of Aging Parents as a Family
Can I Get Paid to Care for a Family Member: Mother or Father?
What Does it Mean to Leave and Cleave in Traditional Wedding Vows?
Taking a Bite Out of the Sandwich Generation

What It Means to “Let Go”

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off,
it’s the realization I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another,
it’s to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for,
but to care about.

To “let go” is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To “let go” is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To “let go” is not to be protective,
it’s to permit another to face reality.

To “let go” is not to deny,
but to accept.

To “let go” it not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes,
and cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To “let go” is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To “let go” is to fear less,
and love more.

(Unknown Author)

Related Posts:

The Art of a Good Marriage
How to Be a Good Stepparent
How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law
How to Fight Fair in Marriage
Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage

24 Interludes of Life

One of my dearest friends sent me this poem entitled “24 Interludes of Life” the other day, and its meaning and message about life is so true, I couldn’t help but share it.

24 Interludes of Life:

  1. Don’t go for looks, they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile.
  2. There are moments in life when you really miss someone that you want to pick them up from your dreams and hug them. Hope you dream of that someone.
  3. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want in life.
  4. May you have…
    Enough happiness to make you sweet
    Enough trials to make you strong
    Enough sorrow to keep you human
    Enough hope to make you happy
    And enough money to buy gifts.
  5. When one door of happiness closes, another opens. But we often took so long at the closed door, that we don’t see the one which has been opened for us.
  6. The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch, swing with, never saying a word and then walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you’ve had.
  7. It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
  8. Always put yourself in other’s shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably does hurt the person too.
  9. A careless word may kindle a strife;
    A cruel word may wreck a life
    A timely word may level stress
    A lovely word may heal and bless.
  10. The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them with our own image, otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
  11. The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along the way.
  12. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we should know how to be grateful for that gift.
  13. It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone – but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
  14. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.
  15. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, the romance and find out you still care for that person.
  16. A sad thing about life is that when you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.
  17. Love starts with a smile, develops with a kiss and ends with a tear.
  18. Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, need to love those who still love, even though they’ve been hurt before.
  19. It hurts to love someone, and not to be loved in return but what is most painful is to love someone and never finds the courage to let the person know how you feel.
  20. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can’t go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
  21. Never say goodbye when you still want to try;
    Never give up when you still feel you can take it;
    Never say you don’t love that person anymore when you can’t let go.
  22. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they’ll love you back. Don’t expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their hearts but if it doesn’t, be content it grew in yours.
  23. There are things you love to hear but you would never hear it from the person whom you would like to hear it from, but don’t be deaf to hear it from the person who says it with his heart.
  24. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life to the fullest so that when you die, you’re smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Related Posts:

If Tomorrow Never Comes
The Art of a Good Marriage
Gold Diggers Get Their Due Reward
In Memory of the Sad Passing of Common Sense
Understanding Assertiveness: Getting the Respect You Deserve
Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel, Because Those Who Mind Don’t Matter, and Those Who Matter Don’t Mind


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Ten Places I Have to See Before I Die

Now that the kids are grown and gone, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to creating a list of the ten places I have to see before I die, since traveling in or out of the country can be pretty expensive for a large family of eight such as we were, budget travel is a must. There are so many beautiful places to see in the world, and I haven’t had the opportunity to see many of the scenic places even within the U.S., except for a visit to San Francisco and a beautiful drive along the California Coastline two years ago. I love being near large bodies of water, and if I could choose the best place to retire and grow old, it would most definitely be a place near an ocean.

My husband and I also love the mountains, and if we could find a beautiful location to retire that had both mountains and a large body of water nearby, I’d be able to die happy and content when the time comes. My husband loves large trees, and would love to own several acres of ranch land to build a house for us to grow old in, but before that time comes we plan to visit as many beautiful places in the world as possible so we don’t look back on our lives with a lot of regrets.

Great Barrier ReefGreat Barrier Reef- Australia’s own Great Barrier Reef is one place I must see; said to be the world’s biggest single structure made by living organisms and visible from outer space. How cool is that? Seeing pictures and video of the barrier reef on television makes the reef a must-see on my “before I die” list of places to see. The Great Barrier Reef covers 135,000 square miles (350,000 square kilometers), an expanse greater than Poland. Simply amazing.

The Grand CanyonThe Grand Canyon- My husband has been to the Grand Canyon but I haven’t seen it yet. From what he and others have said, it an awe-inspiring place to take in its beauty, and where you may be brought to tears from a spiritual awakening. I’m not someone who is easily brought to tears, even from the sappiest of movies, but if that is the experience some have had when visiting the Grand Canyon then so be it.

The Iguazu WaterfallsThe Iguazu Waterfalls- The Brazilian waterfalls consist of 275 falls, measuring between 210 and 269 feet in height, with an amazing U-shaped cliff called “Devil’s Throat” marking the border between Argentina and Brazil. Having seen Niagara Falls as a little girl and feeling overwhelmed by it’s size, it’s incredible that the Iguazu Waterfalls are said to be “vastly larger” than Niagara Falls, and it brings back the memories of how nervous and scared I was when the family visited Niagara Falls so many years ago.

The Tasmania IslandThe Tasmania Island- Here we go again with yet another beautiful place in Australia I have to see. It seems to me that I should just plan a lengthy trip to Australia and take in all the sights, and perhaps even drop in on a few fellow Aussie bloggers while there. I wonder if people in Australia have the tendency to take for granted the beauty surrounding them like people here in the U.S. do? I suppose it happens to most anyone living near such beautiful places to become so accustomed to their surroundings that it’s easy to forget just how much beauty surrounds us and really enjoy every moment of it.

Victoria WaterfallsVictoria Waterfalls- Located in Zimbabwe, the Victoria Waterfalls are said to be the largest waterfall in the world, based on its width of one mile and height of 360 feet. One thing that I’m anxious to see with the falls is how the whole thing can be seen face-on, as opposed to other waterfalls that are viewed in separate sections. I’m not real anxious to see any of Africa’s wildlife up close and personal, but I suppose I put my fears to rest since the Victoria Waterfalls is one of Africa’s major tourist attractions, and I’m married to big strong man to protect me from the pesky critters.

Niagara FallsNiagara Falls- Even though I’ve been to Niagara Falls once in my life, I was so young at the time that my only clear memory of having been there is that of fear. The noise made from the falls is so loud that I physically shook with fear, while my brothers pointed and laughed at me. So I must see Niagara Falls at least one more time in my life to put away those fears and just take in the beauty of it all. I’ll be sure to leave my nasty, mean brothers at home this time.

Bora-BoraBora-Bora- This Polynesian island is largely dependent on tourism, with an array of bungalows and resorts for tourists, as well as being a hot spot for snorkeling and scuba diving in and around its lagoon. I’m not the least bit interested in participating in the well-known manta ray dives and shark-feeding dives, because as luck would have it, I’d most likely be on the menu for the day. Um, no thanks! I just have to go and see this beautiful island, enjoy the various touristy hot spots, and make a safe exit back home.

Barcelona SpainBarcelona Spain- I have a brother that lives in Barcelona, and the pictures he sends me are breath-taking to say the least. He has invited my husband and I to visit there numerous times over the years he’s lived there, and we’re definitely going to take him up on his offer as soon as possible. Barcelona contains 68 municipal parks, divided into 12 historic parks, 5 thematic (botanical) parks, 45 urban parks and 6 forest parks that will surely keep me entertained, along with seven beautiful beaches to develop a nice tan.

Jiuzhaigou RiverJiuzhaigou River- Jiuzhaigou Valley is a nature reserve in a northern province of China, known for their colorful lakes and multi-level waterfalls. During our China Travel, we’ll have to be sure to go during the fall season since Jiuzhaigou’s forests take on attractive yellow, orange and red hues in the autumn, and a number of plant species that will surely be of interest to the gardener side of my husband. I’m primarily interested in seeing Jiuzhaigou’s blue, green and turquoise-colored lakes, as these lakes are amongst its best-known features.

The Neuschwanstein CastleThe Neuschwanstein Castle- Since my heritage is mostly German, I think it’s only fitting that I should see as much of Germany as possible, especially the Neuschwanstein Castle. Pictures I’ve seen of the castle take my breath away, and I can only imagine my reaction when I see it in person. I didn’t know until recently that the castle has appeared in several movies, and was the inspiration for the Sleeping Beauty Castle in Disneyland. Darn, I haven’t been to Disneyland or Disney World either.

Are you planning a cheap vacation anytime soon? Have you made your own list of places you have to see before you die? What places did you list?


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Ricki Lake: Ricki Lake’s The Business of Being Born

The Business of Being BornThe Business of Being Born” is a passionate, ground-breaking documentary by executive producer, actress and former talk-show host Ricki Lake, making a strong case for home childbirth. In the film, the number of home births in the United States are shown to have virtually disappeared, compared to the number of at-home births in Europe and Japan, increased by technological advances in medicine, thereby turning the birthing process into a surgical procedure involving multiple and far too often unnecessary procedures.

In the film, Ricki Lake and Director Abby Epstein, strive to drive home the point that nearly all American babies are born in hospitals, yet the U.S. ranks near the bottom of the list in infant and mother mortality. The Business of Being Born suggests that the drugs American hospitals use to induce labor, as well as epidurals to reduce pain during childbirth, may very well contribute to the alarming high rate of Cesareans being performed. In the year 1900, 95% of births in the United States took place at home, but by the year 1938 the number had shrunk to half. Today the number of home births is less than 1 percent.

The film examines the political, economical and history of how and where most American births occur, including the births of Epstein’s and Lake’s own babies. The overall message of the documentary focuses on the need for expectant fathers and mothers to know all the options available to them, and make an informed choice for themselves and their baby, rather than unknowingly accept whatever advice is given by doctors and hospitals.

Various disadvantages of hospital births are discussed in the film, suggesting the possible attempts of the medical establishment to control any and all decisions regarding childbirth for economic and psychological reasons, while the medical establishment would make the argument that a hospital is the safest place to give birth in case something goes wrong during labor. The use of a Cesarean section to deliver a baby was once the last resort in the event of an emergency, but has largely become commonplace, with increased risk of serious complications with subsequent C-sections.

Lake and Epstein insist that their mission is about empowering women with knowledge, reminding them that there are more choices regarding childbirth than expectant mothers may realize. Lake says, “The film is not advocating anything but choice. I’m not at all telling people to have a home birth like me”, who decided she wanted to give birth to her second child at home. Watch this brief, 2:34 minute video-trailer of The Business of Being Born.

According to Lake and Epstein, the most important point is not that the technology of a modern delivery room is necessarily a bad thing but that the great majority of women in the United States seem to believe it is their only option. The film also suggests that the rise in C-section surgeries is a “doctor-friendly” trend that helps hospitals avoid malpractice suits and moves women out of the maternity ward much faster. “I don’t want women to walk away feeling bad if they had a C-section” says Lake. “You can still be empowered with an elected C-section, as long as you’re informed and educated.”

Some of the disadvantages of hospital births discussed in the film include the point that, while Obstetricians have surgical training, many have never seen nor are prepared to supervise and assist a fully natural birth. Since hospitals are businesses that thrive on a high turnover rate, drugs are often given to induce and speed labor (which makes labor more intense and painful), which only serves the medical system by filling and emptying beds at a much faster rate. Cha-ching, cha-ching?

Having delivered the last two of my six children in the comfort of my own home, with the assistance of a home-birth doctor and midwife in close association with a nearby hospital, giving birth at home was by far the most appealing and best option for me and my baby.

My last baby was in breech position when labor began, but with the skill of the home-birth doctor and painless maneuvering of the baby’s position, she was born headfirst without any problems. Each and every one of my births (one of them weighing 11 lbs) were done fully natural, without any form of medication or pain relief whatsoever, including the four babies born in the hospital.

“I’ve never been a conspiracy theorist, but my God, it’s getting to the point where we’re soon going to be at over a 50 percent C-section rate,” says Epstein. While researching midwifery for the documentary, Epstein visited private hospitals in Brazil that report a planned C-section rate as high as 90 percent.

“You’d think that’s some kind of science fiction of the future, but it’s not,” Epstein says. “You walk in these private hospitals in South America and there is literally a piano and a bar in the labor room. I am not kidding. There is no labor room because everybody has a C-section unless, as the joke goes, your doctor gets stuck in traffic.”

“Moms want more control,” says Lis Worcester, a licensed midwife in San Francisco, speaking of the attitudes of her newer pregnant patients. “They don’t like being in the setting of an institution that they feel so vulnerable. Moms want somebody they know to be there so that they can completely let go. They can’t do that in a hospital, where there are constant changes in shifts, beds, nurse attitudes and the pressure of time.”

The Business of Being Born Documentary MovieThe documentary criticizes the supine position, in which the mother is required to lay flat on her back while being told to “push.” Because this position makes the pelvis smaller, it increases the likelihood of having to deliver a baby with forceps or a vacuum extractor. The natural births in the film, including that of Ms. Lake, are carried out in a squatting position which is much less stressful for the mother, but far more stressful for the doctor who must catch the baby.

The supine position quickly became a bone of contention between me and my doctor, during one of my hospital births. Having mostly back labor, with pain streaming down my spine, being told to stay flat on my flat infuriated me. That, along with the fetal monitor strapped around my midsection for no apparent reason caused an argument in the labor room, hours before I was moved to the delivery room.

Upon questioning my doctor about the “need” for me to be in that tortuous position before being ready to deliver, as well as the doctor’s admission that there were no medical concerns about the baby’s health or well-being, the doctor agreed to remove the fetal monitor and allow me to move around freely. I dare say that I doubt many women would even think to question their doctor or the hospital staff about their “routine practices” and make an informed choice such as I did.

Midwifery and home-birth continues to be a controversial topic with enormous ingrained prejudice. The Business of Being Born argues the point, quite successfully in my opinion, that most women can and should deliver most babies outside of the pharmaceutically controlled production line of the maternity ward, with the assistance of a midwife, either at home or in a birthing center affiliated with a hospital. And, home-births are much cheaper than a hospital birth.

The bottom line truth of the film is that many, if not most, moms- and dads-to-be don’t know everything they should and need to know about childbirth options in order to make an informed choice for themselves, and this film helps accomplish that goal. Kudos to Ricki Lake and Ms. Epstein.

Related Posts:

The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be
Pregnant Teenagers – Unplanned Teenage Pregnancy