Telling It Like It Is» Divorce

Marriage in College

Lin — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 11:00:34 +0000

Fourteen percent of women between the ages of 25 and 29 who had been married were divorced. Although this seems like a significantly high rate, it represents a 30 percent drop from just ten years ago. More people are waiting until later in life to get married, contributing to the lower divorce rate.

Some still prefer to marry young, though, and even choose to make the leap at while in college. Doing so may be thought to be rash, or to require at least one parent to put off finishing school or take online classes for college, but in fact couples willing to face the challenge stand chances as good as anyone else of making a lasting marriage.

For college-age newlyweds, marriage can actually be a smart option. Getting married at a young age can prove to be financially viable. Financial aid for college is determined based on the income of students’ parent’s until they are 24 years old. Even if students are legally independent, they have to include their parent’s income regardless unless they are married, older than 24, or have children.

College students have notoriously low incomes, and would often qualify for more financial aid if they could apply as financially independent from their parents. A married college-age couple is able to apply for financial aid with precisely this advantage.

However, most people who choose to get married in college do so for reasons other than money. You find that special someone and decide that you cannot wait to spend the rest of your life with them. For some, this can work out well. A well-thought-out marriage founded on common interests, good communication, and a strong bond can be a blessing during a tumultuous period of life.

Being young doesn’t mean one isn’t emotionally ready for marriage any more than anything else. Although the divorce rate has decreased among women ages 25 to 34, it has actually increased from 27 to 37 percent for women ages 60 to 69. Of course this doesn’t mean every student should go out and tie the knot, but it does show youth isn’t a overriding factor in the viability of a marriage today.

Married life isn’t all fun and games for the young students who make the leap. Getting married while still in school can lead to a great deal of added stress. In addition to academics, students must also balance their married lives and all of the problems that go with them. Making enough time for a serious relationship can be difficult for any college student, and particularly so for newlyweds.

Students also may have problems maintaining their other social relationships. While other students are out partying and living the life of little responsibility, married couples might struggle to figure out where to fit into this social scene.

Deciding whether to maintain a busy social and night life or adjust to more settled leisure can be a big decision for new couples. If they do try to remain socially active, married students may find it difficult to interact with peers who aren’t in serious couples themselves.

Meanwhile, despite the possible financial aid benefits, money can also cause issues within the new marriage. Figuring out how to balance household expenses and deciding on joint or single accounts is stressful to most married couples. Deciding who pays for what and striking an optimum balance takes time that may not exist for students already distracted by full-time school and work.

Children may also be an unexpected development. Even if family planning puts the decision firmly in the young couple’s hands, they may find their opinions changing about when to have kids after being married. For college couples, children add a slew of worries and costs to already thinly stretched budgets. Being able to adjust to the demands of parenting while in school can be problematic and tiresome.

Children are a blessing, but the realities of finding babysitters or trading off taking care of the baby while the other spouse works are daunting. As students, college parents may at least have some recourse: many schools offer childcare programs for students, and of course many other students will be available to babysit for minimal cost.

Considering these factors before taking the leap can be the key to marriage success. For most people, it would seem marriage is being put off until later in life. In 2003, men were married on average around 27, while women made the commitment at about age 25. Over the prior fifty years, this age has risen.

Though the average couple waits to finish college and get some grounding in life, the important thing is whether the marriage is right, not whether the couple’s in college. Those who do make the leap are less likely to get divorced than they were even ten years ago. Although college life can put added stressors on newlywed couples, any stage of life comes with its own set of problems and dilemmas. Can a marriage made in college last? Most certainly.

About the Guest Post Author: Marina Salsbury planned on becoming a teacher since high school, but found her way instead into online writing after college. She writes around the Web about everything from education to exercise.

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Toxic Relationships – Narcissism and its Deadly Effects

Lin — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 21:24:31 +0000

Thank you, Lin, for asking me to guest post on the topic of narcissism and its deadly effects. This is a subject that has come into its own. Lin’s awesome post, Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members has garnered almost 200 comments and 700+ Facebook “likes” since it was written three years ago.

Many more resources are available to folks who find themselves in a relationship with these insidious people than when my co-author, Lori Hoeck, and I first wrote The Narcissist: A User’s Guide a scant eighteen months ago. Since then, our User’s Guide e-book has been downloaded over a thousand times, and continues at a steady rate.

People are recognizing that they’re dealing with a person whose behavior hinges upon creating a partner dynamic designed to elevate the narcissistic person’s self-esteem by way of depleting it in another person. Where the struggle remains is what I’m going to discuss in this post.

It would be wonderful to say that the incidence of narcissism has declined since Lori, Lin, others and myself have sounded the alarm bells. This doesn’t appear to be the case. If anything, it appears that narcissism might have increased somewhat as the recognition factors became more well-known.

We’ll never truly know whether this perception is accurate, however, because, as Lori and I were among the first non-academics to point out, narcissists rarely seek treatment. There’s something wrong with them, not everyone else, after all. Estimates vary widely concerning the incidence of narcissistic personality disorder within the general population, ranging from .5% all the way up to 16%.

The negative effects these toxic people have are highly disproportionate to their numbers, whatever those numbers may ultimately be. Direct interaction with them creates dread and drains emotional energy, but we also expend additional energy anticipating, deflecting and developing strategies to neutralize their behavior. Extended interaction with narcissists in the workplace or social/family situations can be detrimental to physical health as well, with partners exhibiting physical manifestations of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and other effects.

Still, even with the word getting out about how dangerous these people can be to good emotional health, many of us find ourselves ill equipped to deal with narcissists effectively. Lori and I have received many heartbreaking stories from people – both men and women, gay and straight – who were caught totally off-guard and sucked into a relationship with a Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde-like charmer. The pattern is fairly predictable:

the person initially appears too good to be true
an escalating series of interactions where the partner is caught off-guard and devalued
incidences of hypersensitivity and overreaction (including rage) to criticism, perceived slights or other behaviors in the partner they deem unacceptable
increasing demands for narcissistic supply and corresponding passivity from the partner
difficulties in ending the relationship because the partner is emotionally incapacitated and/or fearful of physical or emotional retaliation

Many self-help references get hung up on understanding the whys and hows behind narcissists becoming what they are. It’s all fine and good, but this is where most people get stuck. They think it’s their fault: if they only were better at holding up their end of the relationship, it would improve.

You must know what you can do other than blame yourself. Yet, time after time, we see well-meaning advisors who have the non-narcissist partner adapting in an attempt to create a more harmonious relationship. The problem with this advice is it amplifies the root causes of the toxic dynamic and can actually exacerbate its troublesome aspects.

As a result of the research and personal experience that prompted us to write The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, Lori and I concluded the most effective way to deal with a narcissistic person is to minimize contact. Ideally, you would eliminate it completely, but of course, this isn’t always possible. Ultimately, you’re going to have to reduce it to the bare minimum. In our e-book we provide strategies and scripts you can really use when you’re ready for that path.

Once you’ve left the relationship, you can’t let your guard down. There’s evidence to suggest a repetitive pattern in many co-dependents. If this kind of relationship is only what you know, then you may sub-consciously seek it over and over again. Fortunately, if you recognize this as a pattern in your relationships, you can overcome its causative factors and be on the lookout for triggers that affect you. For some this is a life-long process, but it’s well worth the vigilance.

If you or anyone you know is in a relationship with a toxic individual, you owe it to them or yourself to be aware that it’s undeserved and there are ways to escape. Lori and I used to say that if we helped just one person put behind the agony that these relationships cause, our own painful experiences would be vindicated. I think it’s safe to say we’ve done that, and we’re asking you to pass things along. We’ll probably never eradicate narcissistic behavior, but we don’t have to tolerate its toxic effects, either.

Be sure to “Like” The Narcissist: A User’s Guide on Facebook – Stop struggling with toxic people and learn to deal with them on your own terms!

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Letting Go of Our Grown Adult Children, When What We Do is Never Enough

Lin — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 12:00:31 +0000

“Letting go of adult children. It’s something parents do all the time. At least we’re told that’s what parents are supposed to do about the time their children turn eighteen”, says author Arlene Harder in her book on dealing with grown children who haven’t turned out the way parents hoped and expected. Whether our grown “adult children stayed living under our roof longer than we want, or strike out into the world earlier than anticipated, parents are told they need to cut the apron strings that have kept us focused on our child.”

In other words, says Harder, “when our children reach the age of maturity, we are expected to make a major change in our relationship with them- to transfer responsibility for decisions concerning their lives from us to them. If we successfully complete this transition, we will, says conventional wisdom, accept our children as independent individuals just as they are, including imperfections, values that conflict with ours, and different needs and desires. And they will accept us in return. We will communicate openly and share our values and experiences with one another without believing we have the right, or the power, to change the other person.”

Sound easy? Not if you’re the parent of a grown child who marches to a drum very different from the one you played for your child when he or she was young. You know it would be better for both of you if you could let go. But you can’t. You remain uncomfortably, perhaps painfully, “stuck” because things haven’t turned out the way you expected.

Parenting Adult Children

Letting go of grown adult children can be especially difficult for parents with adult children who have serious problems with drug addiction, alcohol abuse, mental illness, and/or choose to break societal laws and perhaps go to jail or prison for crimes committed. Many such parents have discovered that there are no guarantees that children will turn out the way they were raised, or how the parents expected, hoped and prayed their children would become as adults.

Arlene Harder’s book, “Letting Go of Our Adult Children, When What We Do is Never Enough”, is a FREE online book parents and families struggling to let go can read and receive helpful tips and advice on letting go with love. Having been granted permission to reprint the intro of the free book, parents who enable their grown children, or parents who can’t or won’t let go of their adult kids for various reasons may relate to many of the personal experiences discussed in the book and find the encouragement and support needed. The Introduction to the nine-chapter book, published in 1994, continues with the author saying:

Parents may unintentionally fail their children in some fundamental way so they aren’t really able to meet the standards we hold for them. Even more, because they have minds of their own, they can choose a lifestyle that we don’t approve of or that we feel is less than they are capable of achieving. Being stuck and unable to let go can arise from minor, irritating differences between you and your child or major obstacles that appear to be intractable. For example, you may be unable to get past frequent arguments over relatively unimportant issues that both of you always seem to turn into contests of who is right. Or while you and your daughter don’t often disagree, you can’t shake the disappointment you feel when she loses yet another job.

You want to accept the fact that how well she does at work is her problem. But you know she doesn’t demonstrate the commitment to work that employers want. How can you let go when you blame yourself for not teaching her responsibility? Or perhaps you need the money from the sale of a family house your thirty-eight year old son has been living in rent-free for Fifteen years. The only “problem” is that he doesn’t have money to move else- where; forcing him out would make you feel like Simon Legree.

Or, while you may realize that there is probably nothing you can do to prevent your son’s divorce, you remain entangled in accusations and defenses with your son’s in-laws because you’re afraid you will lose contact with a precious grandchild. And sticky in-law problems are legion in complicated step-family configurations.

Even if your children are happily married, however, you may have a hard time understanding and accepting in-laws who are of a different race, religion, or social group. You hadn’t thought of yourself as prejudiced, but you are having a hard time adjusting. And what if your child is single and living with a member of the opposite sex; or has chosen a member of his or her same sex as a life partner? With less than 25 percent of families made up of father, mother, and dependent children, family constellations aren’t what they used to be.

Letting go may be particularly difficult if the problems you face seem highly resistant to change. This is especially true when your child is mentally ill or is in serious trouble with the law. And if your child is like my son, whose difficulties in relationships and jobs have been compounded by drug and alcohol abuse, the road to letting go can be extremely long and trying. Yet your situation may be even more painful if your child died before you were able to work out the issues that kept you from letting go; all that unfinished business leaves you with pain you are sure will never go away.

You may be a parent who claims you have no choice but to let go when your child refuses to have any contact, or has extremely minimal contact, with you. Don’t kid yourself. On the surface you may look as though you have let go, but anyone probing a centimeter deep can see that your hurt in being excluded from your child’s life penetrates deep into your heart. This may be especially difficult if you are at a loss to understand what went wrong.

Yet the situation isn’t any easier if you recognize all too clearly how you contributed to the rift that has torn the family fabric in half. For example, perhaps you abused alcohol or drugs when your children were small. Today, although you are now clean and sober, your child is unwilling to forgive you, despite your apologies. In that case you may be paralyzed by guilt; concluding that you have permanently injured your child and that the gap between you can never be bridged.

On the other hand, you may be a parent who is perfectly satisfied with how your child has turned out and who thought you had a good relationship with her. Recently, however, she has accused you and her father of being “dysfunctional” and perhaps even “abusive.” Even though you realize you weren’t perfect parents, you are saddened by alienation created by her anger and your hurt.

If you see yourself in any of these situations (or ones uncomfortably similar), you realize that you’ve been unable to let go no matter how hard you try. This is what is meant by the subtitle of this book, “When What We Do Is Never Enough.” No matter what we say, think or do — no matter how hard we try — until we let go with love we remain uncomfortably bound to a child who is legally old enough to make his decisions without parental interference or approval.

As parents of children whose values and lifestyles are in conflict with ours — whether we experience a fairly small amount or a great deal of disappointment in that fact — we have probably already discovered that heavy-handed bullying and significant bribes cannot make our child become what we had hoped he would become. Money may work in the short run, of course, but in the long haul it can’t buy the integrity, honesty, determination, and responsibility we desire for our child.

Yet masking our attempts to change our child through less obvious measures is not unlike trying to run him over with a fuzzy bulldozer; it only leaves him, and us, bruised. Let’s face it — as long as we keep trying to get our child to live according to our values, we don’t stand much chance of having the kind of adult-to-adult relationship we all deserve with our children when they grow up.

The first part of the book, “Getting Caught up in Our Expectations,” deals with what happens when parents discover their child is marching to a different drummer. In it I offer a path to letting go with love and to forming a more positive relationship with your adult child, a path involving five stages of healing. In these chapters you will see that your disappointment and pain are not unique; nor is it unusual for you to keep trying to get your child to change. Most important of all, you will realize why it is essential for you to shift your attention from your adult child to yourself.

If you already know you must change your focus away from whatever stands between you and your child, you may want to go directly to the second part of the book, “Finding Peace by Letting Go.” These five chapters offer suggestions for healing the pain caused by the realization that your child does not share your values or cannot live up to the expectations you once had for him or her. Here you will find motivation to explore the issues that keep you pulling on your end of the rope in the family tug-of-war, to grieve your unfulfilled expectations, to forgive yourself and your child and, finally, to let go with love. And if differences between you and your child are still irreconcilable, you can learn how to bring closure and healing to that situation as well.

The concept of a path of healing for parents first arose for me during the painful years when I struggled with great disappointment in a child who was not living the kind of life I envisioned for him. Gradually I realized that I was moving through a series of stages and turned my attention from my son’s problems to those which I needed to address in my own life. I continued to observe this process and to further develop my theory in working with disappointed parents as part of my practice as a licensed family therapist.

Later these ideas were reinforced in interviews with over seventy-five parents, both those who were disappointed in how things have turned out and those who were very satisfied. To protect confidentiality in sharing the stories of others, I have changed names and identifying characteristics. In a few instances I have combined several elements from more than one situation to emphasize a particular point.

Letting go can be difficult for parents whether they are married, divorced, or widowed; adoptive or biological parents; single or step-parents. Since the specific circumstances in everyone’s life are different, and since we all have somewhat different expectations for our children, we will each experience different reactions to our adult children if those expectations are not met.

Consequently, the act of letting go with love will be easier and go more quickly for some and be more difficult and take longer for others. Yet this book offers to every parent the evidence that it is possible to let go and find peace even in the most difficult of circumstances.

It is my hope that this book will guide you in moving past your disappointment and pain into peace, healing, and acceptance of your child, even if he or she continues to make choices that have, until now, driven you up a wall. We cannot change our grown children. But dealing honestly and openly with our disappointment creates an opportunity to change ourselves — and in the process to let go with love so that our disappointment no longer causes us pain.

Parents, you can begin reading the free online book by Arlene Harder on letting go of grown adult children at Support4Change.com.

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Abusive Marriage – How to Leave Abusive Marriages or Abusive Relationships

Lin — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 09:21:08 +0000

Deciding to leave an abusive marriage or relationship is never easy, and the decision to leave is very personal. Leaving abusive relationships can be downright dangerous, even life-threatening, especially during the first few months after leaving. The signs of abuse are all there, even if there are no visible bruises, wounds or scars from being physically abused. The mental and emotional turmoil experienced by victims of domestic violence may be unseen to those unaware of the pain abused husbands or wives have gone through.

But, the men and women who have been battered physically, mentally or emotionally abused and have had their self-esteem beaten down, feel the fear of leaving their abuser for many different reasons. Leaving an abusive husband or wife requires a plan of action, in order to safely and successfully leave the abusive partner or spouse. Statistics show that the chances the abuser will change, even with professional counseling, are slim to none. Men or women with an abusive personality do not change. A truly abusive person does not change, will not change, and victims must get out.

Beware of well-meaning family and friends who say you should stay in hopes of a better relationship in time, perhaps with professional help from counselors, therapists, clergy etc. Getting away from or leaving the abusive woman or man for good is necessary. Spousal abuse, in any of its forms, frequently becomes more severe over time, leading some abusive husbands or wives to maim or murder their spouse in cold blood.

The same is true in abusive relationships where the man and woman are not married, but have either recently started dating or are in a long-term relationship. Keep that in mind when talking to your children or teens about teenage abusive relationships between boyfriends and girlfriends. Abusive husbands and wives often feel trapped in abusive marriages by intimidation, threats of various kinds, financial control, and fear for the children living in homes where spousal abuse is prevalent.

Being afraid to leave an abusive wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend is especially true for victims whose self-esteem is low. Even though leaving abusive relationships is not simple or easy, it is important for abuse victims to remember that thousands upon thousands of men and women before you have not only left, survived and gotten a divorce, but became happier, healthier men and women as a result.

Emotional, physical, psychological, financial, mental or verbal abuse does not create or maintain happy, healthy marriages or long-term relationships. Angry, controlling, abusive behaviors and attitudes destroy marriages every day. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, or being beaten and battered by a violent abuser who claims to love their significant other, developing a safe exit strategy for leaving the abusive marriage is vital for your safety and well-being before leaving the relationship.

A healthy, happy marriage between a husband and wife should always be one that promotes and encourages love, respect, honor, friendship, communication, intimacy, commitment, fidelity, support, sharing common goals and dreams, and much more. Some of these qualities and personality characteristics are even included in traditional marriage vows marrying couples make to each other, right before saying “I do”.

Unfortunately, according to Susan Murphy-Milano’s new book How to Escape Abusive and Stalking Relationships, there are more than five million women and their children living in a violent relationship today, and this number is increasing as new technology from tracking devices on cell phones to computer technology allow an abusive person to track his or her victim’s every move.

It can be intimidating, scary, stressful and overwhelming to consider leaving a marriage where you have continuously been receiving the message that you are inferior, worthless, crazy, and otherwise incapable. Change is never easy; especially if you’ve been mentally and physically beaten down, and victims may not believe they have the strength and courage to leave. But they must leave. For good.

“Domestic violence and stalking related crimes are being dismissed in a flurry of shuffled divorce documents and court orders of protection. You cannot plead with an abuser and walk away from potentially life threatening situations if you are unable to learn the steps necessary to protect yourself”, says veteran violence safety expert Susan Murphy Milano in her Time’s Up guidebook.

Spousal abuse victims desperately need the tools, advice, help and support provided in Susan’s new book, as abused men and women face the debilitating problems in their marriages and take steps to regain control of their lives. Victims of abusive marriages, those considering leaving their abusive spouse and getting a divorce, or victims going through divorce proceedings now are able to provide valuable, documented information about their case to their divorce lawyer and court judges about the fears, dangers and personal experiences they have had at the hands of their abuser.

Abusive personality types are clever like a fox and master manipulators. “Snake in the grass” seems like a good description to me. This book doesn’t merely discuss when you should leave or why you should leave, it tells you HOW you should leave. Included are step-by-step instructions how to covertly and secretly make a plan, set-up a safe escape, deal with financial issues, and the paperwork.

Susan’s book teaches abuse victims the techniques and strategies required to remain ten steps ahead of the abuser while in process of leaving and after leaving, and before a threat against your life can be carried out against you or your children. Susan’s book is like the “Bible” for anyone in an abusive relationship. Susan takes your hand and walks you step-by-step through what you need to do to safely leave and survive, all in one piece.

If you have a friend or family member in an abusive relationship, her book is the best gift you can give them as a way of helping someone you know leave an abusive relationship. Susan’s book also serves as a reality check for an abusive husband or wife, rather than a defensive resource for an abusive person to use against their victims. The pages that call out the different types of abuse, and the profile of an abuser, are excellent reading for anyone in a domestic relationship.

With the Evidentiary Abuse affidavit provided in the book, victims are able to provide legal documentation and answers that describe:

Threats made against your life or well being,

Incidents of past abuse that a victim had endured

Admissions of how a threat will be carried out against a victim once they announce they are leaving or filing for a divorce

Where evidence or weapons would or could be located

Portray visible injuries or marks

Determine how to begin and continue through the complex maze a victim faces with police and prosecutors

How to leave a Perpetrator

How to collect evidence “on the fly”

How to begin and continue on the road to safety using a virtual toolbox of techniques

How family and friends can be crucial in this process

Susan’s book gives victims the strength, courage, determination and tools needed to get a divorce from an abusive husband or wife safely. Victims are taken from the State of being controlled to the “State of Being in Control”. The denial stops now. The reality of the abusive marriage or relationship is clear. You may be an abused husband or an abused wife. Or you may be dating or living with an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend. Love doesn’t hurt. Love doesn’t abuse. If you are being abused mentally, emotionally or physically, the time has come for the abuse to end so you can move on with your life free of abuse. Now.

Rev. Jennifer Burns Lewis says of Susan’s book, “There is nothing like this out there. The reason this book is so valuable is that it’s the first book to provide step-by step procedures and structure to protect everyone from dangerous and abusive relationships.” Susan Murphy-Milano is also the author of “Defending Our Lives, Getting Away From Domestic Violence and Staying Safe” and the “Moving Out, Moving On, When a Relationship Goes Wrong” workbook.

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You Plan For Your Wedding – Do You Plan For Your Marriage?

Lin — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 11:00:44 +0000

This is a guest post from Dr. Michelle Gannon, a Relationship Expert and Psychologist who writes her own blog at www.drmichellegannon.com. Dr. Gannon is Founder of Marriage Prep 101, a Writer; Wife, Mom, Friend, Health, Fitness & Wellness Enthusiast.

When couples get engaged and plan their wedding, they are often busy with the excitement, details and stress of wedding planning. We spend a lot of time, money and energy on planning our weddings. Do you plan for your marriage?

Current research shows that the best way to build a lifelong marriage is to prepare for it. In our Marriage Prep 101 Workshops we apply the latest scientific research that shows what makes marriages succeed and fail.

Marriage preparation can help couples enhance their strengths, clarify expectations, identify areas needing change, learn and practice communication and conflict resolution skills, and develop more emotional and sexual intimacy. With attention and effort, most couples can create a strong relationship that will safeguard them against the inevitable strains of modern life.

Unfortunately, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Half of those report being happily married, soonly 25% of married couples consider themselves happily married. Taking a marriage preparation workshop can help couples increase the likelihood of happy, successful marriages.

The Facts About Marriage Preparation

Research by four studies has found that taking a skill-based marriage preparation class can reduce the divorce rate by 30%. Also, research has found that couples who increase their positivity, learn how to resolve conflict, prioritize their marriage, and avoid relationship traps are indeed able to increase satisfaction and longevity.

In addition, according to the research, when couples have a baby, 2/3 report that their marital satisfaction goes down. However, if they know how to prioritize and work on their marriage, they will be better able to transition to parenthood and reclaim their marriage after children to work well together as parents, friends and spouses.

Most of us take Driver’s Ed classes when we learn to drive, and childbirth classes when we are expecting a baby. Why not take a marriage preparation class to prepare for your marriage? We invest in what is important to us – our education, career, hobbies and interests, parenting, golf game, yoga practice…what about our relationships?

Prepare for the Big Issues

The first five years of marriage are essential to figure out how to have a satisfying friendship, romantic life, and partnership. The most popular issues during the first five years of marriage are time, sex and money.

Many couples continue to fight about domestic responsibilities and finances. Conflict is inevitable in a long-term relationship, so it is essential to learn healthy conflict resolution skills and emotional repair. Couples need to learn how to communicate well, express love and caring, have fun together, appreciate each other, and create a relationship that is satisfying to both.

Imagine being the person you really want to be, and creating a long-term marriage that you can be proud of. We believe that we can be intentional, committed, proactive and positive, and even have fun along the way!

Dr Michelle Gannon is a San Francisco Psychologist specializing in Relationships, Wellness and Women’s Issues. She has been in private practice for 20 years helping individuals and couples live more positive, happier lives. She teaches award winning workshops, Marriage Prep 101 for seriously dating, engaged and newlywed couples with her husband, Dr Patrick Gannon. Over the past 10 years, over 1200 couples have visited San Francisco to take their workshop and describe it as positive, proactive and fun!

Dr. Michelle Gannon has been featured on the CBS Early Show, Evening Magazine TV, The Kathleen Show, Ronn Owens Radio Show, Sex with Emily Radio Show, TIME, PEOPLE, San Francisco Chronicle, SF Gate, Kathleen Show Health and Wellness Blog, Hitched Magazine, and many other newspaper, magazine, radio and TV shows over the years.

Dr. Michelle Gannon is a Psychologist who is proactive about her own relationships and well being. She has been happily married for 15 years, and is a mother of 12 and 11 year old boys, a cat and a golden retriever. She deeply understands the importance and challenges of balancing her own business, career, family, marriage, friends, fitness, wellness and fun. She writes at her own blog, Dr Michelle Gannon and Marriage Prep 101 website and welcomes your comments. She also enjoys interacting on Twitter: @DrMichellexo.

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Should We Get Married? Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

Lin — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 11:00:03 +0000

Many if not most dating couples seem to believe that getting married is the natural course of life. You grow up, graduate high school, go to college or get a job, meet and fall in love with Mr. or Ms. Right, get engaged, get married, start a family. Just like that, botta bing botta boom. Even if only one partner wants to get married, the pressure is on to get married anyway and start having babies because well, it just seems to be the natural next step in life. Right?

One of the most alarming questions I have ever received was from a young woman in her mid-twenties asking me to give her advice on how to make her boyfriend propose and marry her, because “he won’t commit”. After I declined to give her a list of things she could do to get a proposal from her boyfriend, she decided the best thing for her to do was to get pregnant on purpose and then propose to her boyfriend.

There are sites on the web that tell women of all ages a whole variety of underhanded ways to get their boyfriend to propose marriage, even when the poor guy has clearly stated his reasons for not wanting to get married quite yet or ever. Some girls want to get married for very strange and immature reasons (the wrong reasons), and will go to great lengths to figure out how to get him to propose anyway.

My advice is for the men who don’t want or plan to get married anytime soon, but their girlfriend is pressuring them into getting married. Don’t have sex, use protection or, better yet, Run! Feeling trapped into marriage is not a place you guys want to be, so if you’re dating a girl and feel you’re too young to get married or you’re not using condoms to protect against pregnancy, you’re setting yourself up for heartache.

Should You Get Married?

Before you marry, or before you even consider the idea of proposing marriage to your girlfriend or boyfriend regardless of age and level of maturity, the most important question dating or engaged couples should ask themselves is, Why get married or, Why should we get married? Are you ready for marriage at this stage in your life? Are you planning a marriage or just a wedding? Are you too young to get married? Do you know the reasons why you should or shouldn’t get married? Do you know the right and wrong reasons to get married? How do you know for sure that he or she is “the one” you want to spend the rest of your life being married to?

Any married person, including parents, grandparents, friends, coworkers and family that tells you that being married doesn’t change anything is absolutely out of their mind. Marriage changes a lot. There is a reason why wedding ceremonies include the words “for better or worse” right before the marrying couple share their momentous kiss, thus sending the happy newly married couple into what is supposed to be wedded bliss to “live happily ever after”.

Marriage Preparation Courses

If you decide you are ready and willing to get married to your significant other, one of the most important things both of you should do together during the wedding planning activities is premarital counseling. If you are planning to be married by a minister or clergyman, or you are planning to have your wedding in a church, synagogue, mosque or temple, the questions premarital counselors ask engaged couples will help ensure a successful marriage that lasts a lifetime. Or, you may be helped to realize you are planning to marry the wrong person and need to break off the engagement, cancel the wedding and/or run for your life.

Premarital counseling by an officiating minister, or marriage preparation courses for Christian couples (Catholic, Lutheran, Methodist, Protestant, Non-Denominational etc) who are planning a wedding in the near future should put pre-marriage counseling at the top of your To-Do list.

There are hundreds of verrry personal questions couples who are seriously dating or are already engaged need to ask themselves and each other before the wedding day arrives, not just 10 or 20 questions. Marriage is a serious commitment, so it is vitally important that you take your time thinking about and answering the counselors questions about marriage and your relationship.

Be sure to take the Myers Briggs Personality Test, commonly referred to as the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, which tests 16 different personality types for compatibility in marriage and family relationships. If your minister or counselor doesn’t suggest the Myers-Briggs test, be sure to ask that arrangements be made where both of you are given the quiz at the beginning of your counseling sessions. The Myers/Briggs test results can be a real eye-opener, helping couples learn things about their husband or wife-to-be that may surprise/shock you.

There are hundreds, if not thousands of books, premarital workbooks and workshops couples can do together, along with completing questionnaires and quizzes that help determine your readiness for marriage. Pre-marriage books are especially helpful if you’re not having a minister officiate your wedding, but are planning to get married by a judge or justice of the peace.

In order to make sure couples don’t regret getting married after the engagement parties, wedding and reception are all over with, dating and engaged couples must understand that getting married for the wrong reasons can quickly lead to an unhappy marriage full of resentment, disappointment and ultimately divorce. Couples who do not prepare for marriage properly, or are simply too young and immature to get married, often learn the hard way that getting married, being married and being happily married for a lifetime are entirely different from what they imagined marriage to be like.

Books on Marriage

You can find many before marriage questions in the book 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married by Monica Leahy. Other books with similar questions to consider are The Hard Questions:100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do” by Susan Piver and 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged by Norm H. Wright.

Three more books to consider are There Goes the Bride: Making Up Your Mind, Calling it Off and Moving On by Rachel Safier, A Handbook for Engaged Couples by Alice and Robert Fryling, as well as the essential Getting Ready for Marriage Workbook by Jerry Hardin and Dianne Sloan.

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