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How to Manipulate Parents and Get Parents to Do What You Want

Lin — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:21:28 +0000

Learning how to manipulate parents, and doing whatever is deemed necessary to get parents to do what kids, teens and adult children want, sometimes turns into a virtual war between kids and parents. Manipulating parents, often referred to as emotional extortion, means that there are kids of all ages who will do just about anything to get parents to say yes to something, even when saying yes puts parents in a precarious position.

Do children manipulate parents? Oh yes they do, and adult children are just as good at stooping to whatever level they see fit to get their parents to do what the kid wants, and it doesn’t matter what it is children are trying to convince parents to do. The reality of how parents are sometimes manipulated when planning a wedding became a shocking and disturbing reality for a mom I’ve heard from before, based on the email I received this morning.

Regular readers are likely familiar with the article I wrote about who pays for what when it comes time to determine how a wedding budget will be decided and how the wedding, reception and honeymoon will be paid for and by whom. Late last year, shortly before Christmas of 2008, I exchanged a few emails with a mom who was struggling with the decision of who would pay for her daughter’s wedding.

This poor mom, who is disabled and barely able to get by on her meager income, was dealing with her own Bridezilla. Her daughter, who I referred to in the “who pays for what” article as “darling daughter”, has champagne taste on a beer budget. This young, 20-year-old girl pulled every manipulative tactic on her mom and dad that she could muster, in order to have the wedding of her dreams.

Bridezilla wanted what she wanted and she was determined she would get her Cinderella dream wedding, regardless of what the total cost of her wedding finally came to, and who would end up paying for it. Her want list for her wedding was extravagant to say the least, especially when it was to be paid for by parents who don’t have the means to pay for such an expensive wedding. She wanted it all – everything you can imagine that would go into having an expensive wedding, fit for someone on a champagne budget.

She wanted a horse-drawn carriage ride to the wedding venue and limo services to the reception for all eight of her attendants, plus the matching number of groomsmen, flower girl and ring bearer. Add to that the designer wedding gown she “had” to have, an expensive wedding cake and grooms cake, all the fancy wedding decorations and everything else this young lady believed she needed to fulfill her dream wedding.

Throughout our email exchanges, I provided this mom with numerous links to informative articles on ways to reduce the cost of a wedding to an amount that was manageable for her, her ex-husband and the groom’s family. Bridezilla cried, begged, pleaded, stomped her feet, called her mom mean and hateful names, told her mom and dad they owed her the wedding she had dreamed of all her life with one guilt trip after another, and threw a major hissy-fit every time something wasn’t going her way. Wow.

Once our email discussions were over, I wrote the “who pays for what” article and set it up to go live in March of this year, which is right about the time of year when “wedding season” starts kicking in and brides with their moms start working on wedding plans and searching for information online. Did Bridezilla get her dream wedding? Oh yes she did, and how.

“Mom” racked up a killer credit card bill for her daughter’s wedding, and the cost of the wedding that now sits on her credit cards totaled close to $10,000. That’s just the disabled mom’s bill, and when you add another $20,000 or so that was split between Bridezilla’s dad and the groom’s parents, I’d say she got her dream wedding alright.

Her wedding was held during one of the most popular and most expensive months to get married, Saturday, June 6th. The mom put her share of the wedding costs on credit cards, high-interest credit cards to be exact, which was the only way she could help pay for her daughter’s wedding. Guess what has happened?

After getting married just a few months ago, dear “darling daughter” wants a divorce, and she actually expects her mom and dad to “help” pay for her divorce lawyer! There are no real “grounds for divorce” to speak of, no accusations of abuse of any kind, she just “changed her mind” and decided she doesn’t want to be married after all.

Considering the sensitive nature of some of the topics I discuss on Telling It Like It Is, not much surprises or shocks me anymore, but THIS shocked me. Not only was this young lady way too young to get married in the first place, but she’s also one of the most selfish, ungrateful, immature, unappreciative, entitled, manipulative, spoiled brats I’ve ever heard of in all my life.

Who pays for the divorce? Only time will tell, but if past experience is a sign of what is likely to occur in the near future, it’s not looking good for this mom, and probably even the dad. What do you think? Do you think this mom and/or dad should pay for this girl’s divorce after getting married about 5 months ago? By the way, this mom had no problems with me writing about her situation as long as I didn’t use her real name, which I wouldn’t do anyway. Is this situation crazy or what?

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Genealogy, Family Tree Maker Family History Software, Genealogy Records Research

Lin — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:00:43 +0000

Genealogy research and tracing my family tree history has been an interest and hobby of mine for several years. October is Family History Month and there is no better way to celebrate but to begin creating a family tree of your own with names, stories, photos, vital records, birth dates, marriages, divorces, deaths etc for a complete family history of your ancestry and roots.

Genealogy or ancestry research can seem rather daunting for a beginner, especially when you consider the time it takes collecting family documents and records kept in old Bibles, going to libraries checking through large volumes of books and files, family history databases, charts and vital records reports.

Then there are the newspapers, obituaries, cemeteries, tombstones, census records, church records, land and property records, deeds of ownership and much more. It would be great if diaries, personal letters, Bible notes and photos were all we needed to build a family tree, and it would make the process of building a family tree pretty easy.

Free Family Tree Makers

When I first started searching for information on relatives and ancestors to create a family tree online to pass onto my children and grandchildren, I wanted to collect as many details as I could for free. There are genealogy search engines and websites that provide information about family records and data for little or no cost at all (Geni.com), to get help in finding your family tree history and create a family tree online, or you can use family tree software on your computer.

MyHeritage.com is also a free family tree maker that allows users to create and print a family tree for free, but after trying it for awhile I chose Ancestry.com instead. Some “free” tree maker sites are really just a free trial period, where after a certain period of time, your free trial runs out and you must become a paying member to continue using the site. Personally, I would much rather go with a well known, highly respected and user friendly website or trusted genealogy software on my computer than to risk having to start all over again.

Even though you don’t need to become a paid member of a genealogy research site such as Ancestry.com in order to make a family tree, perhaps with the help of the free family tree finder from the Mormon Church Genealogy records site (LDS) or Yahoo Groups, it sure helps to have thousands if not millions of genealogy researchers doing much of the work for you.

To get an idea of the amount of information you can gather with or without the help of genealogy software for PC and Mac users, or family history sites on the internet besides those already mentioned, here is a list of some kinds of records hobbyist and professional genealogists use in their research:

Vital records – birth records, death records, marriage and divorce records

Adoption records – which, if you’ve ever gotten stuck while researching your family tree, adoption records can make genealogy research very difficult

Church records – baptism/christening, confirmation, bar or bat mitzvah, marriage, church membership and funeral records

Court records – civil and criminal records

Emigration, immigration and naturalization records

Medical, military and conscription records

Ship passenger lists

Hereditary and lineage organization records

Newspaper articles, occupational records, oral/dental records,

Passports, schools and colleges attended, alumni association records

Social Security, pension and tax records

Voter registration, wills and probate records

Deeds, land and property records

Family Tree Genealogy Software

Family tree software programs are available in compatible Windows versions and for Mac users to run on the Macintosh operating system, making your genealogy research a simple and easy process. Be sure the program you choose is not an old version and that it allows you to import Genealogical Data Communications, also known as GEDCOM files, and offers upgrades. Reviews of genealogy software for Mac users say Reunion 9 is the best family tree program, and while MacFamilyTree by Synium was given good mention, most preferred Reunion 9 overall.

Reviews for PC users show Family Tree Maker to be at the top of the list of genealogy software, easy for beginners and experienced family tree researchers to use. Legacy Family Tree tied for second place with RootsMagic. Software programs like Personal Ancestral File and The Master Genealogist weren’t given the best marks all around, with most recommending Family Tree Maker overall.

Surname Origin and Last Name Meanings

Have you ever wondered what the nationality of your surname is or what the origin and meaning of your last name is? Do you know what your family crest or coat of arms looks like? Discovering the origin and meaning of your last name is fun too, and you can get a lot of detailed information about your surname by using a free surname finder online.

Reading surname histories and discovering the meanings behind your family name, family crest or coat of arms symbols, shield and colors is very enlightening and fun. Being of part German descent, reading the history of the German coat of arms featuring an eagle with colors similar to that of the Flag of Germany in black, red and gold offered a good history lesson for me, which is now included in my family tree.

If you ever need a translation of the motto, flags and banners for your coat of arms or family crest and what they all mean, Wikipedia has a complete list of coats of arms articles, motto’s, emblems and descriptions that include Presidents and Vice Presidents from every state in the U.S., Canada and other countries.

Common surnames such as Miller, Jones, Brown, Smith and similar last names can make researching genealogy and creating a family tree tedious, time-consuming and overwhelming while trying to find past relatives and ancestors, which is why I personally recommend Ancestry.com to create a family tree online.

The list of things you can do with a family tree are virtually limitless. You can design or make a coat of arms that matches your family tree, look at coat of arms pictures and clipart online where you can download a printable copy of your coat of arms for your records, and even purchase a coat of arms plaque to hang on your wall at home as decoration.

I’ve learned a lot about my family history since I started a family tree online a few years ago, and I have found and met cousins and distant relatives who use RootsWeb, even connecting with them on Facebook and sharing family stories. If you haven’t already started your own family tree, I would encourage you to start a family tree today. You never know who you might find in your family line, and just how easy and fun it is to make some interesting discoveries along the way.

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Need a Divorce Lawyer? Common Divorce Mistakes Women Make

Lin — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 22:33:53 +0000

Amy writes, “Do I need a divorce lawyer or can I represent myself?” After 30 years of marriage her husband wants a divorce, which begs the questions: Do you need a divorce lawyer to handle your divorce case? Why? When should you hire a divorce lawyer, and when is it okay to get a do-it-yourself divorce with or without the help of divorce books or online divorce forms? Divorce laws are different in each state, and while you can get a divorce without a lawyer, doing so can be very risky if you don’t know what you are doing.

One of the biggest mistakes women (and men) make in matters of divorce is deciding not to hire an attorney when needed, or opting to share the same lawyer in an understandable yet potentially dangerous effort to cut costs. If you are getting a divorce after 15, 20 or 30 years of marriage or less, hiring a good divorce lawyer can help you avoid the all-too common divorce mistakes that can lead you into personal and financial ruin.

Reasons to Hire a Divorce Lawyer

The old saying, a man (or woman) who acts as his own attorney has a fool for a client, couldn’t be more true in many divorce cases. Even though it is not required by law to hire a divorce lawyer, there are several reasons why hiring an attorney is recommended for divorcing couples, especially those with minor children.

If you have limited or no assets to divide, no children or dependents that require court administered decisions about child custody, child support, visitation, property division, spousal support or alimony, getting a do-it-yourself divorce (DIY) using self-help resources to file your divorce pro se may be an effective way of reducing the cost of getting divorced. But, if your spouse has hired an attorney or is planning to, get yourself your own lawyer a.s.a.p.

The divorce process can be very complicated, so if you don’t know your rights or how your state laws may affect the outcome of your divorce, you would be wise to find a good divorce lawyer to protect your interests and those of your children. Divorce is a time in your life when ignorance is not bliss, and if you don’t do what is necessary to protect yourself throughout the entire process, you’ll end up feeling as though you were taken advantage of and feeling like a victim of the court system.

Common Divorce Mistakes

Unfortunately, many divorce cases turn into a virtual war zone, with false accusations being thrown back and forth by using what is commonly referred to as dirty divorce tricks. Angry, controlling, vindictive men, women and mean divorce lawyers have been known to use dirty tactics, schemes and sneaky games in order to gain an unfair advantage over their soon-to-be ex with a “win at all costs” mindset.

Nasty, dirty tricks are especially used in divorce cases involving young children where child custody, child support and visitation are at stake. If your lawyer or someone you know recommends using any number of dirty tricks in your divorce proceedings, do not under any circumstances play along with such vicious and underhanded tactics. The mental and emotional damage done to children by these methods can last a lifetime, causing your children to grow up resenting you for putting them through such a hostile divorce.

If you have already filed for divorce or are planning to file for divorce from your husband (or wife), it’s important that you carefully and calmly prepare for divorce and that includes putting aside the anger, animosity, frustration or hatred for your spouse in order to think clearly and rationally.

Get your paperwork in order and do your homework by researching the divorce laws in your state. Make copies of all financial documents including debts and assets, bank accounts, property you own and any investments (pension plans, insurance and stock options). Also make a complete and detailed list of the reasons why your marriage is over and why you wish to be granted a divorce, and any special considerations you may want to request from the judge deciding on your case.

Parental Alienation

Parental Alienation, also known as Hostile Aggressive Parenting, is a serious and all-too-common mistake made in many divorces involving children, often with tragic consequences. Learn and know the signs of parental alienation and act quickly to resolve problematic issues that may arise, preferably with the help of a skilled divorce lawyer.

Avoid using any and all parental alienation tactics that family or friends may suggest to you, or suggested dirty tricks found online. When telling your children about your divorce, never say anything negative about your husband or wife, and don’t make up vicious lies about their father or mother in a sick and perverted attempt to “win” a bitter divorce case.

To your kids, the person you are talking about is their Mom or Dad, whom they love. Trying to alienate your children from their other parent by making false or unjustified accusations and derogatory comments is nothing short of child abuse, depriving children of their right to be loved and shown love by both parents equally.

If you are going through a divorce or are considering divorce, do not use your children as pawns in your divorce proceedings. While children need to know some things about the divorce, kids don’t need to know all the details and they certainly should never be made to feel as though they have to choose between their parents. When discussing or fighting about the details of the divorce or decisions that are being made, keep them private and out of earshot from your children.

Keep in mind, the divorce lawyer is not the one getting divorced, you are. Know your rights under the law within your state. Your attorney works for you, and you own the responsibility of what ultimately happens in your divorce, good or bad. If you hire an attorney that you don’t feel is looking out for your best interests, or is giving you bad advice, fire your attorney and get another one. If you can’t afford a divorce lawyer, find local volunteer divorce lawyers in your area to help protect you, your kids and your financial future.

Divorce Support Groups

There are many online divorce support groups for women, men and children, and many can be found in your local area. DivorceCare is a separation and divorce recovery support group for women, men and children, with meetings throughout the U.S., Canada and other countries. Men and fathers can also search online for “mens divorce support groups” for expert help in the recovery process following divorce. Check your local listings for divorce support groups for children, such as Parents Without Partners, that hold meetings in your area.

Amy (not her real name), the woman getting divorced after 30 years of marriage mentioned at the outset of this article, ultimately decided to hire a divorce lawyer. She is also considering mediation, which can save a lot of money in attorney fees. Fortunately for her, there are no minor aged children from the marriage to fight over, but since her soon-to-be ex husband doesn’t appear to want to play nice and has been known to be quite abusive, she decided to consult with an attorney to ensure her rights are protected.

Disclaimer: I am not an attorney. This is article is provided for informational purposes only. This article is not offered as, nor is it to be construed as legal advice. To obtain specific legal advice pertaining to your case, consult an attorney licensed to practice law in your state.

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Pro Bono Volunteer Lawyers: Free or Low Cost Legal Services in Divorce, Child Custody, Visitation

Lin — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:00:49 +0000

Free or low cost legal services in matters of divorce, child custody, child support, separation, dissolution of marriage, alimony, visitation, dividing property and mediation are available in states all across the U.S. The cost of getting a divorce through an expensive lawyer has caused many couples to seek a “divorce for free” by going the do-it-yourself “Pro Se” route, usually with the help of online divorce kits, books and ebooks for uncontested, no-fault divorces.

Divorce software packages, commonly referred to as divorce kits, can save you a lot of money in attorney’s fees if your divorce is an amicable, uncontested divorce and there are no young children involved. If you’re wondering how to get a divorce on the cheap, it’s important that you spend some time doing your research and learning what your rights are, regardless if you hire a lawyer for your divorce or download divorce forms and do it yourself.

If you don’t understand your legal rights pertaining to getting a divorce from your husband or wife, or about child custody and visitation laws in your area, getting a “free divorce” by way of downloadable forms found online may end up costing you thousands upon thousands of dollars in lawyer fees that you may not be able to afford.

How Much Does a Divorce Cost?

Divorce is big business in the United States, with the average cost of a divorce ranging somewhere between $20 – $40,000 according to recent statistics. Do you really want a divorce? Are you sure? If there is any doubt in your mind about divorcing your spouse, consider the option to stop your divorce and save your marriage while you still can. Nevertheless, there are many ways to reduce the high cost of attorney’s fees, since lining the pockets of expensive divorce lawyers with your hard-earned money isn’t on the list of favorite things to do for most people.

Is there a way to get a free divorce if you can’t afford the high cost of hiring an attorney, or at least a low cost divorce that includes child custody, visitation and child support? Is there such a thing as a “hardship divorce”? Darlene writes, “I want to divorce my husband and need a divorce lawyer, but I can’t afford to hire an attorney and pay the full price with my limited income. How do I get a low cost or cheap divorce nowadays, and is there such a thing as a free divorce?”

The quick and short answer is Yes, you can get free legal services or a low cost divorce, but you have to be willing to do some searching online, make some phone calls and fill out the required forms your attorney will need to provide the best legal help possible. For a hardship divorce, you can choose to file for a divorce yourself with forms found at your local county clerk’s office or state court website, and even represent yourself in court proceedings, but that can be very risky if you don’t know what you are doing. There are also forms to fill out about your financial situation and where you can ask that your court fees be waived, or request that your soon-to-be ex be required to pay your fees.

Get a Free Divorce

Finding a free divorce lawyer or family law attorney to handle your case with or without child custody, visitation, child support and similar problems typical in divorce cases is as simple as searching for information with the right terms or words. Have you ever heard the terms “Pro Bono Lawyers”, “Volunteer Lawyers”, “Legal Aid”, “Lawyer Referral Service”, or “Volunteer Lawyer Program”?

If you are having child custody battles with your spouse, or anticipate child custody or visitation issues to flair up during your divorce proceedings or even after the divorce is finalized, tough child custody attorneys to “kick butt” in court when needed should be at the top of your list.

Legal aid services can sometimes be frustrating, especially if you’ve been told you don’t qualify for legal aid based on low income eligibility requirements or other factors. LSC Legal Services Corporation (www.lsc.gov) is the largest provider of civil legal aid services in our nation, providing legal help and family law assistance to low income individuals, veterans, families and children, victims of domestic violence, the elderly and more. Check the LSC website for details to determine if you meet the Legal Aid Eligibility Requirements in your area.

Pro Bono Lawyers are lawyers who volunteer their time to provide legal services for free. A pro bono lawyer takes on free cases from basic administrative issues, to civil and criminal legal cases. As you could probably imagine, many pro bono lawyers don’t advertise their free services, even though many state bar associations require attorneys to complete a certain number of pro bono hours annually.

To find pro bono lawyers in your area, you can call local general practice attorneys and ask if they are accepting pro bono cases (or ask to speak with their pro bono coordinator if they have one), or you can head straight to the American Bar Association (ABA) website at www.abanet.org and click on the “Public Resources” tab at the top of the page and then click on “Find Legal Help” for a list of legal referral services and resources in your state.

Volunteer Lawyers

Volunteer Lawyers participate in the Volunteer Lawyers Program, providing high quality free legal services within their communities. Chicago Volunteer Legal Services (CVLS) at www.cvls.org has 20 legal clinics in the Chicagoland area, with Margaret C. Benson as Executive Director. Since the Chicago Volunteer Legal Services Foundation was formed 45 years ago, CVLS has provided free legal services to more than 200,000 clients including me by more than 2,700 volunteer lawyers, for FREE.

There are many federally funded legal services programs and referral services in every state, just as there are many pro bono, low-cost or reduced-fee attorney panels and hotlines providing affordable legal help for those who meet eligibility requirements and limitations.

If you are looking for a Volunteer Lawyer to handle your divorce case, be sure to visit LawHelp at www.LawHelp.org, as LawHelp helps low income and moderate income people find free legal aid programs and referrals in their local communities, including answering questions about your legal rights as it pertains to your case. Other possible legal resources to check out include websites such as Divorce.com, DivorceOnline.com and CompleteCase.com that offer state-specific legal forms to downloadable divorce kits.

No Fault Divorce Online is a website that promises a fast and easy “click and split” divorce for uncontested or default divorces, including various divorce forms and other divorce papers that are needed to get a divorce, however they are not divorce lawyers and do not give legal advice. There are also many do it yourself divorce books or divorce guide books with forms and papers included to help with the divorce process. Divorce is never easy or painless, at least not emotionally or mentally, but it is doable and you can survive it just fine even if your divorce is not completely 100% free.

(Disclaimer: I am not lawyer, and this site is provided for informational purposes only, so please don’t send me your personal case information. The views expressed herein are solely those of the author and do not constitute legal advice and should not be used as a substitute for legal advice from a professional attorney in your state. That means, this site is “as is”. No representations are made as to the accuracy, timeliness or completeness of the stuff here and you should not rely upon it as legal advice, because I don’t want to update this post every day. Use at your risk. This may be an advertisement, blah blah blah. Your mileage may vary. Past performance does not guarantee future returns. Do not run with scissors. Call your mother. FTC be damned)

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I’ve Come To Realize That…MySpace Survey Meme

Lin — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 21:20:36 +0000

I’ve been tagged with the “I’ve Come To Realize” meme on Facebook, which originated as the I’ve Come Realize MySpace Survey from bzoink.com. Colloquium and Ukok’s Place have already done their “I’ve Come To Realize” meme posts, and Judd has a weekly Sunday Stealing series where he “steals” memes from around the blogosphere, including the ‘come to realize’ MySpace survey.

RULES: “Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note completing the 36 “I’ve come to realize” statements. At the end, choose the friends you want to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you or I knew you way back when and am interested in what life has taught you!”

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . . is a gift bestowed upon me by my mother, although less would have been fine too.

2. I’ve come to realize that my job. . . is a field I got into quite by accident nearly twenty years ago and it pays the bills. I like it most days, but other days…not so much.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . . is a time for peace and quiet as I listen to my favorite music cd’s or radio stations, blocking out the usual stresses and problems I have no control over.

4. I’ve come to realize that I need. . . peace, quiet, love, acceptance, family, friends, structure, cleanliness, order, organization and my adoring husband to flourish in life. He recently told some people that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he couldn’t imagine life without me. Awww, he’s so sweet and I feel the same way about him.

5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost. . . the ability to accept or tolerate any “B.S.” involvement with my father and one of my grown sons, who were the basis for my article about toxic family members. I haven’t seen, spoken to, or heard from my father for fourteen years now, nor my son for three or four years, and I’m all the better for it.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . . false assumptions are made that all or most articles I’ve written here or elsewhere are about people in my life; they’re not. This blog is NOT a “personal blog”. While a few articles found here are about personal experiences from my childhood, previous marriage, my own children or my ex, many if not most have nothing to do with my current life, marriage or relationships.

I am a member of ConnectContent, where members write articles and link to those within the network with “keyword” links on similar/same topics to help each other build web traffic to their blogs, which has everything to do with post ideas.
I receive emails from mothers, fathers, children and teenagers on a regular basis who ask me to write a post about their situation or problem, without using their real names. Those emails lead to the articles about who pays for weddings; mother-in-law and daughter-in-law problems; the upcoming and yet-to-be-written son-in-law post, and any/all articles about divorce.
My ex-husband is THE basis for ALL articles about “helping vs enabling” here, in hopes that a “light-bulb” would go off in his head about 3 of our grown kids who STILL live with him. It came as quite a surprise to me that there are many other parents who are going through the same thing, if not worse. The sheer number of comments and questions on those posts, as well as the numerous emails I’ve received, showed me the problem is more widespread than even I imagined.
The idea for the article about in-law problems came from a blogger I subscribe to, where I linked to his article on the same subject and expounded on it with my own views, opinions and religious beliefs in regards to my previous in-laws. Communication and relationship-building with people who primarily speak another language brings about all kinds of misunderstandings, hurt feelings and misinterpretations by people who just won’t stop reading into things that aren’t there. This blog is NOT the “life and times”… of me.

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . It’s a case of mistaken identity because I rarely drink and I never get drunk.

8. I’ve come to realize that money… is simply necessary to pay the bills and live on. Nothing more and nothing less. That’s how I’ve always felt about money, and couldn’t care less about being “rich” or any of the societal materialistic jazz.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. . . will never like or accept me as I am, but that’s more their problem than mine. See #5. Life goes on with or without them in my life.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . . wish time travel were real so I could go back in time and undo childhood experiences that no child should ever be put through. Although my childhood doesn’t completely define who I am today and what I’m all about, there is no escaping the longlasting effects of having gone through them.

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . . are people who used to be a part of my everyday life but no longer are. Life goes on with or without them.

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom… is now 69 years old and is struggling with my almost 80-year-old father’s recent Hodgkins Lymphoma diagnosis. I love my mother and father, and despite the problems I’ve had with my father over the years, I will do whatever is needed to help my mother and father in their elderly years.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . . is a piece of crap and I need a new phone. Last week I received a text message that was sent to me on my Birthday (July 5th) and I just got it last week! An out-of-state friend of mine kept trying to reach me on my cell phone, but my phone didn’t ring at all and she kept having to leave voicemails and have me call her back. Stupid phone.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . . we’re officially on Staycation all this week, so why am I sitting here doing this silly meme post instead of out running around with my hubby? Oh yeah, it’s been raining this morning and it’s kinda nasty outside today, so hopefully later today or tomorrow will be better.

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . we’ll be doing some shopping for some bridal shower gifts for an upcoming couple’s shower, and we’re both very excited and happy for the bride and groom.

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . . this meme is too long.

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad. . . is and always will be my dad, even though we’re no longer close. (See above)

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . . it’s not a complete waste of time like many people say, but is an opportunity to stay in contact with family and friends that don’t live close enough to visit often, as well as the fun social networking aspects of Facebook (and Twitter).

19. I’ve come to realize that today. . . is just another Monday like any other Monday – except for being on Staycation.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. . . we may go to the movies to see a popular new movie that is getting great reviews. Not Harry Potter, because we’ve already seen that one the other day and it was great!

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . . and forever I will love and adore my husband, children, grandchildren, family and friends.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . . hurry up and finish paying off our debts, sell the house and downsize.

23. I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is. . . YOU?

24. I’ve come to realize that life. . . is too short to stress and worry about things you have no control over.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . . I’ll be gathering up some baby stuff and posting them on eBay or taking them to a local consignment shop, since my daughter, her boyfriend and their daughter are moving to Chicago within a month or so.

26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . . Josh Groban or Michael Buble cd’s.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. . . love, accept and care about me and have been my friends for most of my life, and always will be.

28. I’ve come to realize that this year. . . I’ve thought about doing something really special with my husband, like making a plan to renew our vows on our next anniversary. I know, I’m such a romantic! We’ve talked before about doing that and it would be fun for both of us.

29. I’ve come to realize that my ex. . . is my ex for very good reasons.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . start working on Christmas 2009 posts since search engine people have been showing up in droves looking for the “hot toys” from last Christmas.

31. I’ve come to realize that I love. . . my husband, friends, family, children and grandchildren with all my heart and soul.

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . . certain religions and their beliefs.

33. I’ve come to realize my past. . . cannot and will not define who I am now or in the future.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties. . . are fun unless everyone gets really loud. I don’t mean a little loud – I mean REALLY loud, for hours at a time.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . . of very few things, except something horrific happening to someone I love and care about.

36. I’ve come to realize that my life. . . has been blessed in many ways. I’m blessed with a husband who loves and adores me, children who love me, family and friends too. Who could ask for more than that?

I’m not going to “tag” anyone with this “I’ve Come To Realize” meme. If you’d like to participate, feel free.

Click here to see the list of other participants and check out their responses.

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How to Divorce Your Parents, Minors Emancipation, Can You Divorce Your Parents?

Lin — Mon, 18 May 2009 11:00:14 +0000

Can you divorce your parents? How do you divorce your parents if you are an adult child dealing with controlling parents or in-laws, or a teenager seeking legal minor emancipation or “divorce” from your parents? Are you dealing with a toxic, abusive and/or controlling parent and want to know how to “divorce” your parents?

I’ve received several “divorce your parents” email questions in recent weeks, from adult children dealing with over-involved, controlling parents who don’t know how to parent adult children, and from teens who think that getting pregnant on purpose or getting married too young is the way to qualify for emancipation from parents in order to get out from underneath their parents thumb. I’ll first respond to the adult children, then the teens.

If you are an adult child who has been researching “parents controlling adult children” or “controlling parents”, you likely came across my articles about parents helping vs. enabling adult children and didn’t think those apply to your specific situation (or they do apply, but that’s not what you want to hear and you don’t want to admit it).

How To Divorce Your Parents

Based on some of the emails I’ve received, I’d venture to say that there is a strong possibility that you may have a sense of entitlement that makes you want to “have your cake and eat it too”, but you can’t have it both ways.

If you really are dealing with “controlling parents” or in-laws that don’t understand what parenting adult children means or the need for respectful boundaries, these articles will help explain that “divorcing” controlling, toxic parents as grown, adult children may be the only viable option left to protect your physical, emotional, mental health and well-being.

Allow yourself the personal right to disengage, disassociate, and detach.

Reasons given for adult children divorcing their parents include:

Parents who hit and/or verbally abuse their adult children despite being grown, married with children and living independently of parents.
Parents who don’t show even the slightest measure of respect to their grown children, or anyone else.
Parents who habitually lie and steal money from their own children.
Parents who purposely attempt to drive a wedge between their married son/daughter and spouse, in an effort to cause a divorce because of not “liking” their son-in-law or daughter-in-law.

I could go on and on with this list of “divorce your parents” reasons, but you get the idea.

Part of being an adult is having the backbone or assertiveness to stand up for yourself and say NO. You can say NO by not answering phone calls or responding to emails or letters, not attending or participating in family functions, and not allowing yourself to get drawn into the insidious, toxic family drama that you find so upsetting.

An “emotional divorce” from parents may be temporary or long-term. You may discover, after a period of time goes by, that you begin to feel the desire to gradually reconnect with your parents, where new rules and boundaries are assertively negotiated and respectfully followed on both sides.

Or, you may find that the time spent not talking to or visiting with your parents over a period of time brings you the peace and tranquility you’ve needed, where you now have no desire whatsoever of ever reestablishing a relationship with your parents. Whether or not you ever decide to reconnect with your parents is a personal decision you have to live with, along with whatever consequences come from your personal choice or decision on the matter.

Emancipation of Minors

What are your reasons to get emancipated? Saying “I want to get emancipated” isn’t good enough. A minor may seek minor emancipation (often referred to as teen emancipation or child emancipation) for reasons such as abuse, neglect, marriage, teen pregnancy, joining the military or just to be an independent adult.

Unfortunately, some teens throw around the “abuse” and “neglect” words quite freely and undeservedly towards their parents rules and guidelines, and think that emancipation of minors is their personal “get-out-of-jail” free card to do whatever they want without any parental oversight or control.

Reality Check: Emancipation decrees are rarely granted and the court reserves the right to rescind the right and place the minor into the care of the state at any time, for any reason, before the minor reaches the age of majority.

Sure, there are some new “rights” after becoming emancipated, but there are other adult “rights” you will be responsible for as well. Such as:

Support yourself financially. A judge will not grant your emancipation if you are unable to totally support yourself.
Paying for your own food, clothing and shelter. Getting and paying for your own medical, dental, and automobile insurance.
Pay all of your own bills. Your income must be from a legal source.
You must go to school. Emancipation and education laws require minors stay in school, finish high school until they graduate or reach the age of 18.
Child labor laws still apply, which means you can’t work as many hours as you may want.
As a minor, you can’t have sex, drink alcohol or vote until you are of legal age. Forget the idea of becoming a teenage pregnancy statistic just to become emancipated. The laws governing unlawful sexual intercourse (“statutory rape”) means it is illegal for a minor to engage in sex with anyone (even if it’s with another minor), unless the teen is married and having intercourse with his or her spouse.

Running away from home and/or having sex anyway could very well show the judge that you are a troubled, rebellious teenager in need of counseling rather than emancipation. Having sex anyway could mean your “significant other” will find themselves on the list of convicted sex offenders; and it will not work to your advantage when trying to convince a court judge that you are “mature” or deserving of emancipation.

Teens, do you know the legal age to move out of the house without parent consent or permission in your state? If you commit a crime (ie. unlawful sexual intercourse) you may be tried as an adult in a court of law. Whether or not you become emancipated has nothing to do with being tried as an adult. (Age of Consent)

There is a big difference between emancipation and divorcing a parent, but far too often, teens don’t take the time to become knowledgeable about minor emancipation laws or ask the necessary questions regarding becoming emancipated, such as:

What is minor emancipation? Legal emancipation from parents is a process that gives a teen legal independence from his or her parent or guardian before the “age of majority” (18 years old in most states), whereby a minor may petition the courts to be legally responsible for him or herself and no longer under the custody and control of parents.
How old do you have to be to get emancipated? Emancipation laws vary from state to state. If the state you live in has an emancipation law, (only about half of them do) it usually requires the minor to be at least 16.
How do you get emancipated? In the United States, there are three main ways to become emancipated.

1. Get married - Getting married too young and marrying for the wrong reasons will put you on the fast track towards divorce so quick it would make your head spin. (See Marriageable Age)

2. Join the military – you must meet the military’s minimal educational requirements and provide a valid high school diploma or GED. The military must still be willing to accept you.

3. Go to court and have the judge declare you emancipated by “judicial declaration”

In order to get a judge to grant an emancipation judicial declaration, you must prove the following:

You are at least 14 years old (emancipation age varies by state)
You don’t want to live with your parents and your parents will consent
You must prove you are mature. How? Do an online search for “signs of maturity” and “signs of immaturity” and see how your maturity level pans out. Witness accounts from friends, teachers, counselors, YOU, employers, and other responsible adults who will provide testimony of various signs of maturity as proof for the court.
You can financially and legally support yourself
You must show that emancipation would be in your best interests.

Court cost of emancipation – To get emancipated, legal forms commonly known as “emancipation papers” or “emancipation forms” will need to be filed with the court. The average filing and court fee is about $250.00, plus the cost of your legally required attorney. Attorney fees for emancipation average between $800-$1000, if the petition is not contested by your parents, otherwise the costs could be much higher if parental permission is not granted. Can you afford emancipation?

Do I need my parents’ consent (permission) to get emancipated? Yes. Minors need parental consent (and consent by the courts) to get married and parental permission to join the military. Plus, the armed forces is under no obligation to accept you. To become emancipated, a minor must give his/her parents notice of the court hearing, and the parents may go to court to contest the emancipation.

Parents: You can do an online search for “Prevent your child from becoming emancipated” for more information on that.

Teens, emancipation is a very heavy responsibility and must be taken very seriously. There are alternatives to emancipation as well, such as your parents consenting to you living with another relative or family friend. Otherwise, you will just have to suck it up and deal with your parents like the rest of us until you are automatically emancipated when you turn 18 and can legally move out of the house and be on your own.

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Oprah Warns Rihanna: Oprah Warns Rihanna, Love Doesn’t Hurt

Lin — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 00:49:52 +0000

Oprah’s warning to Rihanna has been all over the internet, and I really hope Rihanna is paying attention to what Oprah warns WILL happen if Rihanna isn’t very careful about her relationship with “alleged-abuser” Chris Brown. Oprah knows what she’s talking about, and abused women all over the world need to take heed to Oprah’s warning that Love Doesn’t Hurt! Rihanna, are you listening to Oprah?!

We’ve all heard the news reports of the “alleged attack” by Chris Brown on his girlfriend Rihanna, and we’ve seen the pictures online “allegedly” showing a beaten, bruised and battered Rihanna. It’s enough to make Oprah and all women outraged that Chris Brown raised his hand to Rihanna at all, but also that Brown not only bit Rihanna, but “allegedly” punched her in the face multiple times.

To Rihanna, teenage girls and women who are being abused by angry, controlling, abusive men listen up! Abusive men do NOT change! Do NOT become a statistic like so many other Rihanna’s in the world. The truth is, Rihanna is a celebrity who has been battered and beaten, and I’m thrilled that Oprah is doing a show next week dedicated to abused women and teen girls.

Abusive relationships affect teenage girls and women all over the world, and teenage abusive relationships are on the increase. Regardless of Rihanna’s celebrity status, Rihanna is no different than any other women who has been abused either physically, mentally or emotionally. Rihanna could be your sister, mother, cousin, niece or even your own daughter, and it’s about time abused teenage girls and women finally realize that abusive men will promise you “it will never happen again”, but don’t you believe it! Love Doesn’t Hurt! Oprah was right when she said, “If a man hits you once, he WILL hit you again“!

Oprah Warns Rihanna Video

I sure hope Rihanna will watch Oprah’s show, and that Rihanna will do some serious soul-searching about the abuse she suffered. I also hope Rihanna will take some time to herself, read everything she can get her hands on about abusive men and how statistics prove that if a man hits you once, he WILL hit you again! Are YOU in an abusive relationship? Do you know the signs of an abusive relationship and the steps you must take to protect yourself from your abuser?

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Grandma Stories-Grandma and Grandpa Visitation Rights-What Do I Know?

Lin — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 15:00:31 +0000

What do I know about being a Grandma? As a grandparent, do I have visitation rights to see my grandchildren? I’m not so sure anymore. Until recently, I had no idea that getting to see my grandson, living out of state, would be next to impossible with current laws being as they are. What visitation rights do grandparents have, if any?

If anyone had told me that getting grandparents visitation rights would be so difficult (or necessary), with me living in Texas and my one-year-old grandson living with his mother in Illinois, I would have thought they were joking. Unfortunately, it’s no joke at all, and I’m not the only grandparent having difficulty in being allowed to see and visit with their own grandchildren.

It came as quite a shock to me when I heard the news that my son and his significant other had split up and went their separate ways even before my grandson was born. Who would have thought that one major fallout of two people ending a relationship and going their separate ways would mean that Grandma and Grandpa would have no right to meet, see or visit our own grandchild as much as possible?

Grandparents Rights

I’ve been spending a lot of time researching grandparent’s rights, to find out what (if any) rights of grandparents there are, in order to get visitation rights to see my grandson living in Illinois. Apparently, there is no such thing as “grandparents rights”, as Illinois law refers to grandparent visitation as a “privilege”, not a right.

I’ve read numerous Illinois and Texas Supreme Court case documents that don’t seem to favor grandparents having the right to see their own grandchildren, but I’m not through yet. I’ve even been told that if I want visitation rights to see my grandchild that I have to move to Illinois and file a court petition and ask the family court judge to grant visitation with my grandson, but the court is not required to give grandparent visitation rights at all.

The law requires that if any legal action is being planned to gain visitation with a grandchild, action must be done in the state where the child resides, that being Illinois in my case. Under Illinois law, grandparent’s must show that “denying visitation will harm the child mentally or physically, and that you are being unreasonably denied visitation by a parent”.

Illinois Visitation Rights

Let me be very clear. I am not seeking grandparent custody of my grandson. I just want opportunities to visit with and bond with my grandson, share in the joys of being a grandmother, exercise my bragging rights by telling Grandma stories, and be a part of his life as he grows up. Is that too much to ask?

My grandson’s mother is a fit and competent young mother, taking very good care of my grandson, from what I hear through the grapevine. Whatever happened between her and my son is a private matter between them and has nothing to do with me.

I attempted to contact her for several months, before and after my grandson was born, in order to clear up any questions or concerns she may have had, only to discover that HER mother and father are the ones pulling the strings and preventing me from knowing my own grandson. Apparently, from their twisted point of view, their grandparent rights trump my right to shared visitation to a grandchild we all share.

After emailing back and forth with my grandson’s mother, and actually making arrangements to see and visit my grandson for the very first time during a recent vacation trip to Illinois, a final email arrived in my inbox saying I wouldn’t be allowed to see my grandchild because her parents said no.

The maternal grandma and grandpa are dictating the rules of who gets to see and spend time with my/our grandson, and because my grandson’s mother lives with her parents in Illinois and I live in Texas, they figure there isn’t much I can do about it.

Grandparents Visitation Rights

According to Illinois Legal Aid, a judge may order grandparent visitation rights to visit with a grandchild if:

The parental rights of at least one parent have not been terminated, and

Visitation with your grandchild is in that grandchild’s best interest, and

At least one the following 6 rules are true:

Your child (mother or father of your grandchild) has been incarcerated during the 3-month period prior to filing the petition, or has been found to be incompetent, or is dead.
The parents of your grandchild are divorced or have been living apart for at least three months.
Your grandchild has been abused or neglected by a parent.
It has been found by the court that your grandchild is a child in need of supervision.
Your child (a parent of your grandchild) has had his or her parental rights to your grandchild terminated.
Your grandchild has resided with you for at least six months during the last two years.

Illinois law says grandparents, great-grandparents and siblings can file a petition in a court of law to ask for visitation. Once the petition is filed, it is recommended to continue trying to work out an amicable agreement for a visitation order, otherwise there will be a court trial with witnesses and evidence presented to the judge, wherein the judge will make his ruling.

Illinois Legal Aid says: “If the mother is considered a fit parent, then the court must follow her wishes unless there is a danger of harm to the child. However, Judges will usually try to maintain a healthy and established relationship between grandparents and a grandchild”.

The child’s mother made arrangements with me personally to meet and spend time with my grandson, but the “mother’s wishes” were denied by her parents, and since she is currently living in their home while attending college, they are controlling her life and my right and privilege to visitation with my grandson.

Family law attorneys aren’t cheap by any means, and while I hope to resolve this problem amicably and with no hurt feelings on either side of this issue, I am considering all of my options. Whether or not grandparents rights should be a “right” or a “privilege” is still open for debate, but when it comes to deciding whether or not a grandparent should give up trying to have visitation with their own flesh and blood, giving up isn’t in my nature.

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A Marriage Without Regrets – Do You Regret Getting Married?

Lin — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 11:00:50 +0000

Do you regret getting married? Have you ever said to yourself “I regret getting married”? Is your marriage a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage? If you could do it all over again, would you still choose to be married to your spouse? Are you planning on getting married? Why? The sheer number of unhappy marriages and staggering divorce rates should give dating and/or engaged couples reason for pause, and serious consideration into building a happy marriage without regrets in order to avoid divorce altogether.

According to a study of 4000 married couples carried out by market research firm OnePoll.com, a quarter of married men and women regret getting married to their spouses, while 15% of engaged couples planning to get married have misgivings about their upcoming nuptials. Is it “cold feet” pre-wedding jitters, or is there something more serious going on? Why do people regret getting married?

The average married couple gives up on romance just two years, six months and 25 days into a marriage, according to the research poll. “We tend to think of marriage as something people do when they are in love but this survey reveals that people tie the knot for all sorts of different reasons,” OnePoll’s John Sewell said. “And many of them aren’t sure they want to get married — even as they are standing at the altar saying their vows, which may worry some brides and grooms-to-be.”

Four percent of the married people surveyed said they had gotten married for the wrong reasons, because they wanted wedding presents and a party, not because they were in love.

23 percent said they would not marry their partner if they could do it all over again, and 14 percent wished they had married someone else from their past.

Only 28 percent confessed to being virgins when they met their future spouse, with some respondents saying they had slept with an average of four people before they met their marriage partner, and five percent admitted to having 20 or more previous sexual partners.

35 percent said the person they married was not the best sexual partner they have ever had and another 33 percent said that being single was more fun than being married.

12 percent of people surveyed said they stay with their partner just because they couldn’t be bothered to find someone new.

Fifteen percent of husbands and wives admitted to lying to each other about their love lives, with most decreasing the number of previous sexual partners while two percent admitted to boosting the number.

83 percent of those surveyed said they couldn’t be bothered to celebrate the date they tied the knot by their third anniversary.

Seven out of ten men admitted they were so comfortable with their spouse they frequently left socks, pants and other dirty washing lying around the house, while 79 percent admitted they no longer bothered to put the toilet seat down.

75 percent of men and women said they wouldn’t relinquish control over the remote control to their other half, even if they asked nicely.

Two thirds of the married women polled said they no longer put forth the effort to dress up and look nice for their spouse. Nearly a third said they stay on the far side of the bed, claiming they don‘t have time for sex with their husbands.

54 percent of women polled no longer bothered wearing make-up; 61 percent admitted that they throw on a ratty T-shirt, comfy tracksuit bottoms or pajamas as soon as they got home from work, and 10 percent of married women said they don’t bother to wear sexy lingerie to spice things up in the bedroom.

83 percent of couples surveyed held hands often while out during the first few months of marriage, compared to just 38 percent after a decade of being married.

Prior to the first wedding anniversary, partners would cuddle and hug more than eight times a day- compared with five or fewer after ten years of marriage. 60 percent said they hadn’t been surprised with a romantic night out since getting hitched.

John Sewell said, “It would appear that many are stuck in a rut, and whilst they still love their other half, they’re a little too comfortable in each others company. Couples need to find a good balance between feeling comfortable and taking each other for granted. The odd romantic meal would probably be all many couples need to spice things up a bit – and small gestures such as tidying up, and helping out with the housework would go a long way.”

Right and Wrong Reasons to Get Married

Marriage regrets often happen because dating and/or engaged couples haven’t considered their reasons for wanting to get married in the first place. Couples don’t think about the pros and cons of marriage, but choose to focus their time, attention and financial resources to the Cinderella wedding fairytale fantasy while planning a wedding that lasts just one day.

There are good reasons to get married and bad reasons to get married, but brides-to-be and grooms-to-be often pay too much attention to planning the fairytale fluff of the wedding day ceremony and reception, rather than planning and preparing for marriage and the difficulties that go with being married after the wedding day is over.

Brides-to-be often plan their wedding at The Knot Wedding Shop where decisions are made about the wedding budget, wedding dress, flowers, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls, ring bearers, wedding cake, grooms cake, wedding rings, wedding invitations, chapel or wedding venue options, the honeymoon, DJ, photographer and video etc. Your wedding day is just one day out of the rest of your life.

Marriage Without Regrets

If you really want a marriage without regrets that lasts a lifetime, you need to prepare for marriage, starting with asking the hard before marriage questions every couple should ask and answer before getting married in order to have a happy, successful marriage without any regrets.

Resolving conflict in marriage
Understanding each partner’s role
Improving the sexual relationship
Becoming financially wise
Respecting and keeping marriage vows

Getting married for the wrong reasons can quickly lead to an unhappy marriage ending in divorce, because couples did not prepare for marriage properly, were too young to get married or didn’t consider the fact that being married and being happily married are two entirely different things.

See: How to Please a Woman in Bed, Pleasure and Satisfy Her Completely

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Most Popular Blog Posts 2008 at Telling It Like It Is

Lin — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 07:00:13 +0000