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How to Manipulate Parents and Get Parents to Do What You Want

Lin — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:21:28 +0000

Learning how to manipulate parents, and doing whatever is deemed necessary to get parents to do what kids, teens and adult children want, sometimes turns into a virtual war between kids and parents. Manipulating parents, often referred to as emotional extortion, means that there are kids of all ages who will do just about anything to get parents to say yes to something, even when saying yes puts parents in a precarious position.

Do children manipulate parents? Oh yes they do, and adult children are just as good at stooping to whatever level they see fit to get their parents to do what the kid wants, and it doesn’t matter what it is children are trying to convince parents to do. The reality of how parents are sometimes manipulated when planning a wedding became a shocking and disturbing reality for a mom I’ve heard from before, based on the email I received this morning.

Regular readers are likely familiar with the article I wrote about who pays for what when it comes time to determine how a wedding budget will be decided and how the wedding, reception and honeymoon will be paid for and by whom. Late last year, shortly before Christmas of 2008, I exchanged a few emails with a mom who was struggling with the decision of who would pay for her daughter’s wedding.

This poor mom, who is disabled and barely able to get by on her meager income, was dealing with her own Bridezilla. Her daughter, who I referred to in the “who pays for what” article as “darling daughter”, has champagne taste on a beer budget. This young, 20-year-old girl pulled every manipulative tactic on her mom and dad that she could muster, in order to have the wedding of her dreams.

Bridezilla wanted what she wanted and she was determined she would get her Cinderella dream wedding, regardless of what the total cost of her wedding finally came to, and who would end up paying for it. Her want list for her wedding was extravagant to say the least, especially when it was to be paid for by parents who don’t have the means to pay for such an expensive wedding. She wanted it all – everything you can imagine that would go into having an expensive wedding, fit for someone on a champagne budget.

She wanted a horse-drawn carriage ride to the wedding venue and limo services to the reception for all eight of her attendants, plus the matching number of groomsmen, flower girl and ring bearer. Add to that the designer wedding gown she “had” to have, an expensive wedding cake and grooms cake, all the fancy wedding decorations and everything else this young lady believed she needed to fulfill her dream wedding.

Throughout our email exchanges, I provided this mom with numerous links to informative articles on ways to reduce the cost of a wedding to an amount that was manageable for her, her ex-husband and the groom’s family. Bridezilla cried, begged, pleaded, stomped her feet, called her mom mean and hateful names, told her mom and dad they owed her the wedding she had dreamed of all her life with one guilt trip after another, and threw a major hissy-fit every time something wasn’t going her way. Wow.

Once our email discussions were over, I wrote the “who pays for what” article and set it up to go live in March of this year, which is right about the time of year when “wedding season” starts kicking in and brides with their moms start working on wedding plans and searching for information online. Did Bridezilla get her dream wedding? Oh yes she did, and how.

“Mom” racked up a killer credit card bill for her daughter’s wedding, and the cost of the wedding that now sits on her credit cards totaled close to $10,000. That’s just the disabled mom’s bill, and when you add another $20,000 or so that was split between Bridezilla’s dad and the groom’s parents, I’d say she got her dream wedding alright.

Her wedding was held during one of the most popular and most expensive months to get married, Saturday, June 6th. The mom put her share of the wedding costs on credit cards, high-interest credit cards to be exact, which was the only way she could help pay for her daughter’s wedding. Guess what has happened?

After getting married just a few months ago, dear “darling daughter” wants a divorce, and she actually expects her mom and dad to “help” pay for her divorce lawyer! There are no real “grounds for divorce” to speak of, no accusations of abuse of any kind, she just “changed her mind” and decided she doesn’t want to be married after all.

Considering the sensitive nature of some of the topics I discuss on Telling It Like It Is, not much surprises or shocks me anymore, but THIS shocked me. Not only was this young lady way too young to get married in the first place, but she’s also one of the most selfish, ungrateful, immature, unappreciative, entitled, manipulative, spoiled brats I’ve ever heard of in all my life.

Who pays for the divorce? Only time will tell, but if past experience is a sign of what is likely to occur in the near future, it’s not looking good for this mom, and probably even the dad. What do you think? Do you think this mom and/or dad should pay for this girl’s divorce after getting married about 5 months ago? By the way, this mom had no problems with me writing about her situation as long as I didn’t use her real name, which I wouldn’t do anyway. Is this situation crazy or what?

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Need a Divorce Lawyer? Common Divorce Mistakes Women Make

Lin — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 22:33:53 +0000

Amy writes, “Do I need a divorce lawyer or can I represent myself?” After 30 years of marriage her husband wants a divorce, which begs the questions: Do you need a divorce lawyer to handle your divorce case? Why? When should you hire a divorce lawyer, and when is it okay to get a do-it-yourself divorce with or without the help of divorce books or online divorce forms? Divorce laws are different in each state, and while you can get a divorce without a lawyer, doing so can be very risky if you don’t know what you are doing.

One of the biggest mistakes women (and men) make in matters of divorce is deciding not to hire an attorney when needed, or opting to share the same lawyer in an understandable yet potentially dangerous effort to cut costs. If you are getting a divorce after 15, 20 or 30 years of marriage or less, hiring a good divorce lawyer can help you avoid the all-too common divorce mistakes that can lead you into personal and financial ruin.

Reasons to Hire a Divorce Lawyer

The old saying, a man (or woman) who acts as his own attorney has a fool for a client, couldn’t be more true in many divorce cases. Even though it is not required by law to hire a divorce lawyer, there are several reasons why hiring an attorney is recommended for divorcing couples, especially those with minor children.

If you have limited or no assets to divide, no children or dependents that require court administered decisions about child custody, child support, visitation, property division, spousal support or alimony, getting a do-it-yourself divorce (DIY) using self-help resources to file your divorce pro se may be an effective way of reducing the cost of getting divorced. But, if your spouse has hired an attorney or is planning to, get yourself your own lawyer a.s.a.p.

The divorce process can be very complicated, so if you don’t know your rights or how your state laws may affect the outcome of your divorce, you would be wise to find a good divorce lawyer to protect your interests and those of your children. Divorce is a time in your life when ignorance is not bliss, and if you don’t do what is necessary to protect yourself throughout the entire process, you’ll end up feeling as though you were taken advantage of and feeling like a victim of the court system.

Common Divorce Mistakes

Unfortunately, many divorce cases turn into a virtual war zone, with false accusations being thrown back and forth by using what is commonly referred to as dirty divorce tricks. Angry, controlling, vindictive men, women and mean divorce lawyers have been known to use dirty tactics, schemes and sneaky games in order to gain an unfair advantage over their soon-to-be ex with a “win at all costs” mindset.

Nasty, dirty tricks are especially used in divorce cases involving young children where child custody, child support and visitation are at stake. If your lawyer or someone you know recommends using any number of dirty tricks in your divorce proceedings, do not under any circumstances play along with such vicious and underhanded tactics. The mental and emotional damage done to children by these methods can last a lifetime, causing your children to grow up resenting you for putting them through such a hostile divorce.

If you have already filed for divorce or are planning to file for divorce from your husband (or wife), it’s important that you carefully and calmly prepare for divorce and that includes putting aside the anger, animosity, frustration or hatred for your spouse in order to think clearly and rationally.

Get your paperwork in order and do your homework by researching the divorce laws in your state. Make copies of all financial documents including debts and assets, bank accounts, property you own and any investments (pension plans, insurance and stock options). Also make a complete and detailed list of the reasons why your marriage is over and why you wish to be granted a divorce, and any special considerations you may want to request from the judge deciding on your case.

Parental Alienation

Parental Alienation, also known as Hostile Aggressive Parenting, is a serious and all-too-common mistake made in many divorces involving children, often with tragic consequences. Learn and know the signs of parental alienation and act quickly to resolve problematic issues that may arise, preferably with the help of a skilled divorce lawyer.

Avoid using any and all parental alienation tactics that family or friends may suggest to you, or suggested dirty tricks found online. When telling your children about your divorce, never say anything negative about your husband or wife, and don’t make up vicious lies about their father or mother in a sick and perverted attempt to “win” a bitter divorce case.

To your kids, the person you are talking about is their Mom or Dad, whom they love. Trying to alienate your children from their other parent by making false or unjustified accusations and derogatory comments is nothing short of child abuse, depriving children of their right to be loved and shown love by both parents equally.

If you are going through a divorce or are considering divorce, do not use your children as pawns in your divorce proceedings. While children need to know some things about the divorce, kids don’t need to know all the details and they certainly should never be made to feel as though they have to choose between their parents. When discussing or fighting about the details of the divorce or decisions that are being made, keep them private and out of earshot from your children.

Keep in mind, the divorce lawyer is not the one getting divorced, you are. Know your rights under the law within your state. Your attorney works for you, and you own the responsibility of what ultimately happens in your divorce, good or bad. If you hire an attorney that you don’t feel is looking out for your best interests, or is giving you bad advice, fire your attorney and get another one. If you can’t afford a divorce lawyer, find local volunteer divorce lawyers in your area to help protect you, your kids and your financial future.

Divorce Support Groups

There are many online divorce support groups for women, men and children, and many can be found in your local area. DivorceCare is a separation and divorce recovery support group for women, men and children, with meetings throughout the U.S., Canada and other countries. Men and fathers can also search online for “mens divorce support groups” for expert help in the recovery process following divorce. Check your local listings for divorce support groups for children, such as Parents Without Partners, that hold meetings in your area.

Amy (not her real name), the woman getting divorced after 30 years of marriage mentioned at the outset of this article, ultimately decided to hire a divorce lawyer. She is also considering mediation, which can save a lot of money in attorney fees. Fortunately for her, there are no minor aged children from the marriage to fight over, but since her soon-to-be ex husband doesn’t appear to want to play nice and has been known to be quite abusive, she decided to consult with an attorney to ensure her rights are protected.

Disclaimer: I am not an attorney. This is article is provided for informational purposes only. This article is not offered as, nor is it to be construed as legal advice. To obtain specific legal advice pertaining to your case, consult an attorney licensed to practice law in your state.

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101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples

Lin — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 11:00:38 +0000

This is a guest book review by Dr Michelle Gannon, a Psychologist/Relationship Expert in private practice in San Francisco. She is also the founder of Award Winning Marriage Prep 101 Workshops with her husband, Dr Patrick Gannon www.MarriagePrep101.com. You can find her on Twitter.com/DrMichellexo

Book Review: 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex by Laura Corn.

Many couples begin their relationship with the anticipation and excitement of a new romantic and sexual partner. In the beginning, most people find their sex lives pleasurable, exciting and interesting enough. When we fall in love, we release the feel good hormone called dopamine.

When we are sensual and sexual, we release the bonding hormone called oxytocin. So the good news is that the early years are fueled by both dopamine and oxytocin. However, these hormones wear off over time.

Also, the daily pressure and stress of working, raising children, dealing with finances and taking care of so many tasks can take a toll on one’s interest in sex and love making. If you think about it, it also makes sense that making love the same way to the same person year after year could get a little routine, mundane and even boring.

The good news is that couples can reclaim their sexual relationship, and even re-invent it to be more playful and exciting.

As a Psychologist and Couples Therapist, I often get asked by individuals and couples for book recommendations of how to improve their sex lives. Over the years, I have found that many sex books are just too serious and technical, emphasizing the need to try new positions and “work” at their sexual relationship.

My clients have complained, “I would never do that”, “Even a new position doesn’t really help”, “Tantra is so not me” and so on. They feel like their sex lives are just too predictable and not much fun. They miss the feelings of seduction, pursuit, anticipation and excitement of the early years.

Since I work with couples of all stages of relationships, I have been motivated to find a book to recommend that truly helps couples “PLAY” at their sex lives, rather than “WORK” at them.

So, here it is: “101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples” by Laura Corn. The book comes with 101 Sealed Seductions. Every week, each partner flips through the book, and then tears out the page for truly fun ideas about how to seduce each other. The sexual “recipes” are playful and secret, and often require some planning and anticipation.

When couples find that their current lovemaking is predictable, these suggestions can easily help them come up with fresh, new and exciting ideas. There is a wide range of suggestions from “Body Tease” to “Dip it in Chocolate” to “Kissing Only” to “Wet and Wetter” and many more. Some are spicier than others, and you can always decline and pick another one.

Some couples even find it erotic and silly to rip the pages together, read them aloud to each other, and improvise. I recommend this book for all couples- from newlyweds to long term married. Just be sure to keep this book hidden in a special place!

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How to Please a Woman in Bed, Pleasure and Satisfy Her Completely

Lin — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 11:00:16 +0000

This is a guest post by Lissa at Owning Pink, a website and a series of women’s workshops committed to empowering women to reclaim their health, their girlytude, and their mojo.

When Lin asked me to write about how to make love to a woman, I felt myself blush. After all, I’m a gynecologist, not a sexpert. Wouldn’t she be better served by asking some Casanova or, better yet, a lesbian? As the founder of Owning Pink: A Gutsy Guide to Getting Your Mojo Back (www.owningpink.com), I’m all about helping women embrace joy and get in touch with their authentic selves. But, how to please a woman in bed? Hmmm. My husband and I were just in the bedroom last night, working on making our own sex life a bit more exciting, so I can honestly say I’m no sexual rock star.

However, after thinking about it for a while I realized, to my surprise, that after ten years of working with women and teaching women’s workshops, I guess I have learned a thing or two on the topic. So if you’re aiming to satisfy a woman in the sack, we girls beg you, pay attention.

20 Tips For Making a Woman Quiver

1. Every woman is different. If your super-duper signature technique had your last girlfriend hanging from the chandeliers and bellowing out to Mother Mary, good for you. But don’t expect the same thing to work on your new lover. Our bodies- and needs- vary drastically. One size does not fit all.

2. A woman’s body is like an old beater car in subzero weather. It takes a while to warm her up. Don’t expect a warm welcome if you go from zero to sixty straight to her coochie. Foreplay will take you far. Our bodies sometimes need a little coaxing. So often we live completely in our heads. Our minds are spinning with thoughts about work, the kids, and tomorrow’s to-do list. If you help bring us into our bodies by arousing different erogenous zones, like the ears, the lips, the breasts, the inner thigh, the belly button, even the toes, you help remind us that our bodies can offer pleasure if we only inhabit them.

3. Love her and earn her trust. For most women, sex and love get all tangled. Not to say there aren’t some Samantha’s out there who love to just get it on. But for most of us, we see sex as an expression of love, and if we don’t feel nurtured by you, we may not get all hot and bothered when you want to shake the sheets. Love her well and earn her trust. Pleasure will likely follow.

4. Set the mood in the bedroom. Surprise her with candles, mood music, and a flower on her pillow. Whisper sweet nothings. Don’t serve up silly platitudes, but say what you feel. When we cover our bellies with our hands and try to turn off the light, tell us we’re beautiful, just the way we are. Share how much you care. Romance gets her in the mood and helps her relax.

5. Know a woman’s anatomy. Need help? Take the Pretty Pink Pussy Tour (http://www.owningpink.com/2009/05/05/the-pretty-pink-pussy-tour-your-vulva-vagina-and-you/)

6. Think sensually, not sexually. Immerse yourself in the sensory experience of her and find your own timing together.

7. Give your partner permission to offer feedback, and don’t take it personally. If your partner doesn’t respond to something you’re doing, it doesn’t reflect on your skill as a lover. It just doesn’t work for her unique anatomy and physiology. If you act dejected every time she offers you feedback, she’s likely to stop trying to help you please her. Accept constructive criticism lovingly.

8. Fine tune your radar. Even if you invite your partner to offer feedback, she may not feel comfortable talking about sex. Many of us have been so conditioned to consider sex taboo that we clam up when the subject arises. Learn to read your partner’s subtle signals, and over time, you will discover what pleases her. Little grunts and moans usually signal YES, and while silence may simply signal shyness, it may also mean that what you’re doing isn’t working for her. Pay attention to body language too. When she moves towards you, it’s a good sign, and if she adjusts her body to a different angle, she might be trying to show you where she wants you to be.

9. Be gentle and go slow. There’s no race to the finish line here. Remember how sensitive girl parts are. Don’t mash on us (unless we ask you too! We are, after all women. We might change our minds). Start slow, then gently pick up the pace as you go. Don’t start bangin’ us around like you’re trying to get to home base before we’ve even gotten up to bat. You may get sprung in 10 seconds flat, but chances are, we’re still thinking about how little Johnny’s teacher thinks he needs a reading tutor, or whether we’re prepared for that big presentation at work tomorrow. Be patient with us and our monkey minds.

10. Do not take it personally if your lover doesn’t orgasm during intercourse. Some lucky women get off from the mere thought of intercourse, but the majority of women do not experience orgasm through intercourse alone. If you expend so much energy trying to make her cum while you’re having intercourse, you may miss the rich opportunity to satisfy her in other ways. Sure, try your darnedest to please your woman. But don’t pressure her. Many women will not orgasm during intercourse, even with the most skilled partner.

11. There may or may not be a G-Spot. While some women swear by the G-Spot and experience vaginal orgasms, most women can only orgasm during intercourse if they’ve figured out a way to directly stimulate the clitoris. For more about stimulating the G-spot, check out The G-Spot: Fact or Fiction (http://www.owningpink.com/2009/07/30/owning-sexuality-the-g-spot-fact-or-fiction/).

12. Pull out the Kama Sutra. No need to focus all your energy on making her orgasm during intercourse, but why not try? Check out some books about sexual positions and have fun experimenting, like 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples by Laura Corn. You never know what might hit the spot for your lover. Be creative.

13. NEVER EVER compare her to another woman. I don’t care what the hell Jane or Sally or Maryanne liked in bed, and neither does your lover. If you think about other women when you’re making love to yours, please- for the love of God- keep your thoughts to yourself.

14. Most women love oral sex. To a woman, it just doesn’t get much better than this. Soft, wet tongue meets delicate pink pearl? Can you hear us purr? We love it even more if we think you do too. Start gently. Explore the inner thighs, the labia, the opening to the vagina. When her body language indicates that she’s ready, lick, suck, and swirl her clitoris in circles, mixed with up and down motions. Use your hands to explore the rest of her.

15. Help your partner out. If you lover prefers to orgasm during intercourse, stimulate her first with oral sex to help sensitize her delicate organs. Encourage her to explore positions that stimulate her clitoris, such as the woman-on-top position. Use your hands to touch her while you’re having intercourse, or invite her to touch herself. She knows best what feels good, and if you tell her how much it turns you on to see her touch herself, she may feel more comfortable augmenting her own pleasure.

16. Just because you’re done, doesn’t mean she is. If your orgasm is over, don’t assume hers is too. Maybe she was holding out so she could orgasm during intercourse, but if you cum before she does, no stress. Just finish the job and help her feel as good as you do.

17. Invite her favorite sex toy into the bedroom. Did you see what happened to Charlotte from Sex and the City when she discovered The Rabbit? Don’t make her go undercover with her vibrator. The sex toys are your friends, not your competition. Let them stimulate both of you, and encourage her to explore.

18. Get Tantric or explore Taoist sexuality. Want to elevate your lovemaking to a spiritual plane? Check out Tantric or Taoist sexuality. (http://www.ofspirit.com/rachelcarltonabrams1.htm)

19. Remember that sex is meant to be about making love. Don’t get so focused on technique that you forget to connect. Look deep into her eyes. Caress her lovingly. Tell her how you feel. Hug her. Love her.

20. Cuddle when it’s over. Please don’t jump up and go watch the game. We make ourselves vulnerable, put ourselves out there, and want to know you’re still with us when it’s over. Snuggle in and stick around a while.

Read A Pink Guide to Orgasm for more about women and orgasms.

Ladies, have I missed anything? Now is your chance to tell the guys if they’re “doing it right” (or not) by adding your tips on improving sex in the bedroom in the comment section below.

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How to Be a Good Son-In-Law: Building a Great Son-In-Law Relationship With Your In-Laws

Lin — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 10:00:06 +0000

This is a guest post from Jeff Nickles at My Super-Charged Life, where he shares tips, motivation and resources for living life to the fullest.

Guys, did you know that there is more to being married than just getting along with your wife? Generally, a woman’s family is important to her. She doesn’t just want you to have a good relationship with your mother-in-law and father-in-law. She needs it. Ladies, am I wrong here?

The Case for Becoming a Good Son-In-Law

Men, your wife needs you to be a good son-law and to blend into her family. Yes, she is, in a sense, leaving them behind when she gets married to start her own family with you. But, she is going to need their support and encouragement along the way. Trust me, your relationship with your wife will grow deeper and be easier if you develop a great son-in-law relationship with your in-laws.

Furthermore, I suggest that it is in your best interest as well. I know that having a terrific relationship with my in-laws has been a true blessing for me. Their love and support of me and my family has been invaluable over the years. For example, they were there for us when an F-5 tornado destroyed our home. In another instance, my mother-in-law took care of our newborn daughter when my wife had to go back to the hospital for a week. I don’t know what we would have done if my in-laws weren’t so willing to help in these situations.

Having children creates a whole other reason to build a great relationship with your in-laws. Grandparents are very important to a child’s sense of well-being. They add depth and security to the loving relationships surrounding a child. The better your relationship is with your in-laws, the easier it is going to be for them to grow close and be a positive role model for your children. This is a valuable gift that you can give your kids that will serve them the rest of their lives.

I hope I have convinced you of the advantages of having a great relationship with your mother- and father-in-law. They are special people to your wife and kids. Your family needs them and therefore so do you. Fortunately, son-in-laws don’t usually have the difficulties forming good relationships with their in-laws like many daughter-in-laws do. However, there are still some points worth mentioning that I believe will help you in this endeavor.

How to Build a Great Son-In-Law Relationship With Your In-Laws

Respect their daughter and take good care of her. Daughters are very special to their parents. I should know because I have two of them. My wife and I have invested our whole hearts in loving and nurturing our daughters to become excellent young women. I have even created a list of things I want to teach my daughters to be successful in life. After giving so much, I want to know that the men that marry my daughters will be gentle with them, respect their opinions, provide them a sense of security and above all love them faithfully. It will be a lot easier for me to love my son-in-law when I know he loves her as deeply as I do.
Be there when their daughter needs you. I shouldn’t even have to mention this one, but we’ve all heard stories about men missing the birth of their child due to some foolish thing. Her parents will love you if they know their daughter comes first in your life. I know that my relationship with my in-laws has grown as they’ve witnessed me caring for their daughter when she was in the hospital.
Act and look like a respectable man. Don’t embarrass your in-laws by acting and dressing like an idiot. There comes a time in a man’s life where he needs to grow up. There is a time and a place for everything. Act appropriately around your in-laws. Get a sense of what they think is acceptable and then conduct yourself accordingly if you want to build a meaningful relationship with them.
Reach out to your father-in-law. The relationship between a father and a daughter is special. It will mean a lot to your wife and your mother-in-law if you can build a relationship with your father-in-law. Find things that you have in common with him and go from there. Invite him to a ball game, go with him to a local event or simply take him to lunch. If you aren’t yet married, then be sure to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage before you pop the question. This is a show of respect that he will appreciate.
Attend family gatherings and engage. When your wife’s family has a get together, make certain that you attend. Unless it is unavoidable, never let your wife and children go to a holiday gathering at her parent’s house alone. It causes your in-laws to worry that something might be wrong in your marriage. In addition, you are missing a fantastic opportunity to build upon your relationship with your in-laws and the extended family through conversation and a shared experience.
Build good relationships with their other children. I believe that part of my success in building a great relationship with my in-laws has a lot to do with how I’ve connected with the rest of the family. Your wife’s siblings have a great deal of influence with your in-laws. The better the relationship you have with her brothers and sisters, the better your relationship will be with her parents.
Consult with your wife on how to handle sticky situations. Your wife knows her parents better than you do. When you sense that a situation might be a little sensitive, consult with your wife for advice on how to respond. My father-in-law used to be big in multi-level marketing programs. I knew he was going to try to recruit me and I didn’t want anything to do with it. I asked my wife how to handle it. She was able to help me diffuse the situation before it became an issue.

Becoming a great son-in-law that your in-laws love has a lot to do with respect. If you want a great relationship with them, then respect their daughter, respect them and respect their family. Be polite. After all, being nice is good for you.

As a son-in-law, you have a responsibility to build a great relationship with your in-laws. Your wife and family are counting on you to do so. You have to learn to become a part of her family and to maintain a balance between the demands of your family and hers. This is a worthwhile cause that you definitely want to invest yourself in whole-heartedly. It has certainly been worth it to me!

Read more of Jeff’s articles about living life to the fullest at My Super-Charged Life!

(Photo by ladyb)

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I’ve Come To Realize That…MySpace Survey Meme

Lin — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 21:20:36 +0000

I’ve been tagged with the “I’ve Come To Realize” meme on Facebook, which originated as the I’ve Come Realize MySpace Survey from bzoink.com. Colloquium and Ukok’s Place have already done their “I’ve Come To Realize” meme posts, and Judd has a weekly Sunday Stealing series where he “steals” memes from around the blogosphere, including the ‘come to realize’ MySpace survey.

RULES: “Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note completing the 36 “I’ve come to realize” statements. At the end, choose the friends you want to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you or I knew you way back when and am interested in what life has taught you!”

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . . is a gift bestowed upon me by my mother, although less would have been fine too.

2. I’ve come to realize that my job. . . is a field I got into quite by accident nearly twenty years ago and it pays the bills. I like it most days, but other days…not so much.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . . is a time for peace and quiet as I listen to my favorite music cd’s or radio stations, blocking out the usual stresses and problems I have no control over.

4. I’ve come to realize that I need. . . peace, quiet, love, acceptance, family, friends, structure, cleanliness, order, organization and my adoring husband to flourish in life. He recently told some people that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he couldn’t imagine life without me. Awww, he’s so sweet and I feel the same way about him.

5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost. . . the ability to accept or tolerate any “B.S.” involvement with my father and one of my grown sons, who were the basis for my article about toxic family members. I haven’t seen, spoken to, or heard from my father for fourteen years now, nor my son for three or four years, and I’m all the better for it.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . . false assumptions are made that all or most articles I’ve written here or elsewhere are about people in my life; they’re not. This blog is NOT a “personal blog”. While a few articles found here are about personal experiences from my childhood, previous marriage, my own children or my ex, many if not most have nothing to do with my current life, marriage or relationships.

I am a member of ConnectContent, where members write articles and link to those within the network with “keyword” links on similar/same topics to help each other build web traffic to their blogs, which has everything to do with post ideas.
I receive emails from mothers, fathers, children and teenagers on a regular basis who ask me to write a post about their situation or problem, without using their real names. Those emails lead to the articles about who pays for weddings; mother-in-law and daughter-in-law problems; the upcoming and yet-to-be-written son-in-law post, and any/all articles about divorce.
My ex-husband is THE basis for ALL articles about “helping vs enabling” here, in hopes that a “light-bulb” would go off in his head about 3 of our grown kids who STILL live with him. It came as quite a surprise to me that there are many other parents who are going through the same thing, if not worse. The sheer number of comments and questions on those posts, as well as the numerous emails I’ve received, showed me the problem is more widespread than even I imagined.
The idea for the article about in-law problems came from a blogger I subscribe to, where I linked to his article on the same subject and expounded on it with my own views, opinions and religious beliefs in regards to my previous in-laws. Communication and relationship-building with people who primarily speak another language brings about all kinds of misunderstandings, hurt feelings and misinterpretations by people who just won’t stop reading into things that aren’t there. This blog is NOT the “life and times”… of me.

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . It’s a case of mistaken identity because I rarely drink and I never get drunk.

8. I’ve come to realize that money… is simply necessary to pay the bills and live on. Nothing more and nothing less. That’s how I’ve always felt about money, and couldn’t care less about being “rich” or any of the societal materialistic jazz.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. . . will never like or accept me as I am, but that’s more their problem than mine. See #5. Life goes on with or without them in my life.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . . wish time travel were real so I could go back in time and undo childhood experiences that no child should ever be put through. Although my childhood doesn’t completely define who I am today and what I’m all about, there is no escaping the longlasting effects of having gone through them.

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . . are people who used to be a part of my everyday life but no longer are. Life goes on with or without them.

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom… is now 69 years old and is struggling with my almost 80-year-old father’s recent Hodgkins Lymphoma diagnosis. I love my mother and father, and despite the problems I’ve had with my father over the years, I will do whatever is needed to help my mother and father in their elderly years.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . . is a piece of crap and I need a new phone. Last week I received a text message that was sent to me on my Birthday (July 5th) and I just got it last week! An out-of-state friend of mine kept trying to reach me on my cell phone, but my phone didn’t ring at all and she kept having to leave voicemails and have me call her back. Stupid phone.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . . we’re officially on Staycation all this week, so why am I sitting here doing this silly meme post instead of out running around with my hubby? Oh yeah, it’s been raining this morning and it’s kinda nasty outside today, so hopefully later today or tomorrow will be better.

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . we’ll be doing some shopping for some bridal shower gifts for an upcoming couple’s shower, and we’re both very excited and happy for the bride and groom.

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . . this meme is too long.

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad. . . is and always will be my dad, even though we’re no longer close. (See above)

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . . it’s not a complete waste of time like many people say, but is an opportunity to stay in contact with family and friends that don’t live close enough to visit often, as well as the fun social networking aspects of Facebook (and Twitter).

19. I’ve come to realize that today. . . is just another Monday like any other Monday – except for being on Staycation.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. . . we may go to the movies to see a popular new movie that is getting great reviews. Not Harry Potter, because we’ve already seen that one the other day and it was great!

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . . and forever I will love and adore my husband, children, grandchildren, family and friends.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . . hurry up and finish paying off our debts, sell the house and downsize.

23. I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is. . . YOU?

24. I’ve come to realize that life. . . is too short to stress and worry about things you have no control over.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . . I’ll be gathering up some baby stuff and posting them on eBay or taking them to a local consignment shop, since my daughter, her boyfriend and their daughter are moving to Chicago within a month or so.

26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . . Josh Groban or Michael Buble cd’s.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. . . love, accept and care about me and have been my friends for most of my life, and always will be.

28. I’ve come to realize that this year. . . I’ve thought about doing something really special with my husband, like making a plan to renew our vows on our next anniversary. I know, I’m such a romantic! We’ve talked before about doing that and it would be fun for both of us.

29. I’ve come to realize that my ex. . . is my ex for very good reasons.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . start working on Christmas 2009 posts since search engine people have been showing up in droves looking for the “hot toys” from last Christmas.

31. I’ve come to realize that I love. . . my husband, friends, family, children and grandchildren with all my heart and soul.

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . . certain religions and their beliefs.

33. I’ve come to realize my past. . . cannot and will not define who I am now or in the future.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties. . . are fun unless everyone gets really loud. I don’t mean a little loud – I mean REALLY loud, for hours at a time.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . . of very few things, except something horrific happening to someone I love and care about.

36. I’ve come to realize that my life. . . has been blessed in many ways. I’m blessed with a husband who loves and adores me, children who love me, family and friends too. Who could ask for more than that?

I’m not going to “tag” anyone with this “I’ve Come To Realize” meme. If you’d like to participate, feel free.

Click here to see the list of other participants and check out their responses.

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Do Men Want To Get Married? Top Ten Reasons Why Men Don’t Want To Get Married

Lin — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 12:00:47 +0000

Do men want to get married, or not? “Do Men Really Want to Get Married” is the question being discussed in a CNN article about whether the stereotypical belief that men are dragged off to the altar to get married kicking and screaming is true or not. CNN reporter, Alex Wallen, claims to have interviewed dozens of men on how they approached marriage, where these men admitted that they had “fantasized about popping the question, getting married, even having a wedding.”

Wallen reports that numerous men reported having a “light-switch” moment when they decided they should get married to their significant other. Examples given include a life-altering event, such as one man who suddenly realized his love for his girlfriend when she helped him deal with the death of his father; or it might be something as simple as having so much fun playing arcade games together that you can’t imagine yourself having this much fun with anyone else. One man decided it was time to get married when he became angry and balled-up his fists when another man made a pass at his then-girlfriend.

“Real men are perceived as committing “till death do us part” for the wrong reasons — they marry out of convenience or under duress, and they acquiesce, kicking and screaming all the way to the altar”, according to the article. If recent statistics are correct, men are choosing to marry later in life, with the average age being 28 before experiencing their “ah ha” moment, which is a good thing. Nevertheless, there are still many young men and women getting married too young, and far too many couples get married for the wrong reasons and end up regretting it later.

According to one survey claiming men DO want to get married, married men reported positive feelings about being married, with 94% saying they were happier married than single, and 73% reported their sex lives were better. Of the single men included in the study, 53 percent said they were not interested in getting married anytime soon, saying “at this stage in my life I want fun and freedom”, while 47 percent said they wouldn’t get married until they could afford to own a home.

“Of the 1,010 men aged 25-34 who were surveyed, 569 were married. Of that group, 81 percent said they got married “because it was the right time to settle down.” The desire to have children was a major factor for 35 percent; only 15 percent said they married sooner than they wished because of pressure from their partner.”

Why Men Don’t Want To Get Married

Another study was conducted by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University of 60 single, heterosexual men of different backgrounds, between the ages of 25-33. The project results revealed the top ten reasons why men won’t commit, or don’t want to get married.

They can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past.
They can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabitating rather than marrying.
They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.
They want to wait until they are older to have children.
They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises.
They are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn’t appeared yet.
They face few social pressures to marry.
They are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children.
They want to own a house before they get a wife.
They want to enjoy single life for as long as possible.

These findings may not be what women want to hear or believe, but relationship experts agree with the results of the study. Audrey Chapman, author of Getting Good Loving and Man Sharing, agrees with the study’s detailed findings that the sexual revolution hasn’t exactly helped women wanting to get married in their search for finding a husband.

“All that stuff that grandma said about `Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ is true. Women are making it too easy for men. They’re giving sex away.”

“Now that there’s more competition, women think that sex is the ticket to get a man when in fact it’s a sure fire way not to get him at all,” Chapman reveals.

“When men get lonely, all they have to do is call up one of their many women. And they call the one that they’re going to be able to spend the night with.”

“She says that nowadays it is common for many men to have a variety of women to cater to their various needs, including sex, companionship, conversation and even meals. “Men can get all the comforts they need without making it legal.”

It’s interesting that Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, says much the same thing but it’s not what women interested in planning their wedding want to hear. It’s not about getting someone to marry you; love and marriage is not a game. It’s about finding the right person, at the right time and under the right circumstances so the marriage will be lifelong. Maybe some men don’t want to get married, now or ever. I would venture to say that there are women who also don’t want to get married and never will.

Wilmington, DE, psychologist Dr. Alvin L. Turner says, “As children, men don’t fantasize about being married–girls do. It takes a while for us to begin to appreciate that marriage is valuable for us and not just for women. It’s easy to see that marriage happens when you fall in love with someone, but even then many men will marry because they want to keep the woman from marrying someone else. So it becomes a way of protecting their investment basically rather than looking at it as something that’s valuable for themselves.”

William July II, author of “Understanding the Tin Man: Why So Many Men Avoid Intimacy” says this to women: “I can’t emphasize enough how important it is for women to accept the point at which a man says he currently is in his life because that determines his entire outlook on everything. If he’s ready, marriage sounds great. If he’s not, it sounds like a prison sentence. It’s better to couple with a man who feels ready than to try to ‘make ready’ a man.”

What about you? If you are a married man, what was your “ah ha” moment where you knew you wanted to get married to your girlfriend? If you are a single man, what are your thoughts on marriage? Ladies, what do you think about the idea that men really don’t want to get married but feel pressured in various ways to tie the knot?

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Mother Of The Bride Dresses, Special Occasion Dresses, Cheap Bridesmaids Dresses

Lin — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 00:36:50 +0000

Are you shopping for Mother-of-the-Bride dresses, special occasion dresses, affordable Bridesmaid Dresses or Wedding Dresses for an upcoming wedding? Although I’m not the mother of the bride, but am the step-mother of the bride who is getting married soon, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to find a special occasion dress to wear to the wedding.

Until now, it hadn’t occurred to me how time-consuming it would be going from one special occasion dress shop to the next in hopes of finding the perfect dress, in the right color, style and size to wear. The price of some modern, unique, beautiful Mother of the Bride Dresses that were also age-appropriate nearly caused me to keel over and faint.

Special Occasion Dresses

In some local dress shops I visited, the cost of special occasion dresses for a wedding was almost the same as a designer wedding dress for an expensive and extravagant Cinderella wedding! Fortunately, there are Cheap Bridesmaid Dresses that come in every color, style, length and size that won’t break the bank.

I did spend a few days checking out the local special occasion dress shop sections in stores like JCPenney, Dillards, Nordstrom, as well as local discount bridal consignment shops, but I didn’t find anything I liked. When I was looking for a prom dress for my daughter, I went to a bridal/prom store in Dallas called “Whatchamacallit” that has thousands of dresses, but if you’re not a professional seamstress who can fix the fraying threads, missing buttons, broken zippers and other problems, you’d be wasting your time there.

I do almost all of my shopping online, and buying a special occasion dress online is no different. I always check the sizing charts and usually buy a dress one size larger than my normal size to leave room for alterations that are almost always necessary. There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all dress, unless you don’t mind your dress looking like a tent or potato sack with rhinestones or sequins sewn on.

Bridesmaid Dresses-Junior Bridesmaid Dresses

I was happily surprised at how many amazing after six bridesmaids dresses I saw online that would actually work very well as a special occasion dress for a mother-of-the-bride, or for the mother-of-the-groom (or any other special occasion), and are very inexpensive.

I liked several online bridal dress shops, with their huge selection of wedding dresses and bridesmaids dresses, including knee-length, floor-length or “after five” tea-length, but I had my heart set on a black full-length gown, and some dresses I liked only came in pink, purple, brown or blue.

A very interesting trend I’ve seen only recently is that of red wedding dresses for a red themed wedding, and some of the red wedding gowns would work very nicely as mother of the bride dresses too! Red is my favorite color and when I think of brides wearing red for their wedding, mixed perhaps with black and white, the entire wedding party must look spectacular!

My favorite dress shop to find bridesmaid dresses, junior bridesmaid dresses and special occasion dresses is at House of Brides, which is the world’s largest online wedding store. The selection, prices, colors and styles just can’t be beat. I found a nice pair of black shoes to go with my dress there too, and anytime I can find a one-stop-shop for nearly everything I need that also offers a 40% discount and free shipping, I look no further.

I knew I wanted a light-weight, full-length black dress to match the wedding color theme of black and white, with short sleeves or sleeveless, because summer weddings in Texas can be unbearably hot and I want to be as comfortable as possible.

I finally decided on a black, sleeveless special occasion dress with rhinestones on the bodice. I also bought a matching black “shawl” to wear around my arms and shoulders, instead of a fancy black jacket, for when the cooler evening temperatures set in.

Tip: Wedding gowns, bridesmaid dresses and special occasion dresses or pantsuits are usually made a size or two smaller than your normal dress size, so be prepared for that shock. Full-figured or big-busted women may find they have to shop for special occasion womens dresses in the plus-size departments due to the sizing differences.

Now that I have the dress and shoes for the wedding as well as for the reception dances, all I need now is a small black purse and some jewelry accessories to complete the outfit, and I’ll be all set! I’m not worried though, because I saw a magnificent set of earrings and matching bracelet at House of Brides that I’ve already ordered and they should be arriving any day now.

What about you? Are you the mother-of-the-bride or groom struggling to find an affordable special occasion dress for the wedding? What has been your personal experience while trying to find a special occasion dress? Have you seen the incredible selection of bridesmaid dresses and junior bridesmaid dresses at House of Brides? Aren’t they amazing?! Share your story or ask a question in the comments below.

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How to Be a Good Daughter-In-Law: Building a Great Daughter-In-Law Relationship With Your Mother-In-Law

Lin — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 12:00:47 +0000

“Daughter-In-Laws from hell”? Are you a good daughter-in-law to your husband’s mother, or soon to be mother-in-law? Can you honestly say to yourself, “I am a good daughter-in-law”? Being a good daughter-in-law and building a great relationship with your husband’s mother, and maintaining that good relationship, can be easier than you think or more challenging and difficult than you could ever imagine.

Ever since I wrote How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law, I’ve been inundated with emails from mothers who describe their current or future daughter-in-law as the daughter-in-law from hell; jealous; selfish; manipulative; controlling; disrespectful; rude; conniving; evil and psychotic, just to name a few not-so-nice descriptive words about daughter-in-laws.

Some mothers used “daughter-in-law hates me” and “I hate my daughter-in-law” in the email subject line to describe the difficulties and animosity felt between the mother and daughter-in-law. A few mothers wrote about their relationship problems with a son-in-law as well, but the typical problems existing between mothers and daughter-in-laws are much more common than those with a current or future son-in-law.

I’ll be dealing with the issues of being a good son-in-law in an upcoming article, but for now let’s just stick with you, the daughter-in-law.

Mother-In-Law/Daughter-In-Law Problems

After reading and responding to many emails, as well as visiting websites, message boards and
online support groups where mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws complain about each other and their problems, it became obvious to me that there is a tremendous amount of misunderstandings, misinterpretations, hyper-sensitivity and mean-spirited gossip being said about each other. But rarely any advice or real solutions being shared.

Based on the complaints posted on those sites, it became apparent to me that most daughter-in-laws are not evil or cruel, but are misguided and feel threatened. Daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws are both guilty of not even attempting to understand the others wants, needs and perspective, but are very quick to criticize and ridicule the other.

Members of various support groups for daughter-in-laws have even linked to my leave and cleave article, taking words out of context, in an extreme attempt to prove their personal opinion that communication with mother-in-laws (and sometimes father-in-laws) should be cut to a bare minimum if not completely eliminated.

Now you just wait a cotton-pickin’ minute! If that is your position, you’ve missed the whole point of that entire article and are twisting the meaning of leaving and cleaving for your own selfish reasons, and your attempts to get rid of your mother-in-law will come back to bite you in the end.

Trouble between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law arises far too often when one or both thinks the other is out to get them, which is not necessarily true. The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law both want the same thing! Time spent with the son! Problems between the MIL/DIL (Mother-In-Law/Daughter-In-Law) often occur when one or both women try to get their needs met by attempting to exclude the other from even the simplest things in life.

One mother emailed me about how hurt she felt by not being included in any of the decisions about the wedding plans or budget for her son and soon to be daughter-in-law’s wedding, despite the fact that this mother is expected to pay more than half of the wedding costs!

Daughter-In-Law Do’s and Don’ts

Remember, your husband was a son to his mother first, and the relationship bond between mother and son should never be trifled with. The harder you try to divide and conquer the relationship between your husband and his mother, the more you will discover that you’ve undermined any and all efforts to get along with your in-laws and will cause your husband and his family to resent you.
Don’t take everything so personal. Taking every suggestion, recommendation or idea offered as always being a negative against you suggests the existence of very low self-esteem on your part. Why do you choose to take everything so personal? A mother emailed me about her excitement about becoming a grandmother for the first time and how she made a few harmless baby name suggestions, only to receive an email from her daughter-in-law that such suggestions are not wanted or welcomed. What?!
The relationship with the son is not a competition. He married you because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. In a marriage, a husband must put his wife as number one in the relationship, but don’t make the mistake of putting your husband in a position of having to defend his relationship with his mother. If setting limits and boundaries are needed on how often your mother-in-law calls to speak to your husband or visits, it is up to your husband to decide and act on that, not yours.
Communication is key. Take the initiative to call and chat with your mother-in-law with news and updates, even if you think it’s about mundane, trivial matters. Remember birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and special occasions, just as I bet you want your mother-in-law to do for you. Invite your in-laws to your home for a meal on occasion. Send pictures and cards. Ask for advice and willingly listen to her ideas, but that doesn’t mean you must do everything her way. Ask your mother-in-law for recipes of your husband’s favorite meals while he was growing up – she’ll love it and so will your husband.
Take good care of her son. Your mother-in-law raised your husband to become the man you fell in love with and married, and she should be thanked, praised and respected for that. Your mother-in-law wants and needs to know that the hard work she put forth loving, raising and caring for her beloved son will continue to be provided in your care. Of course your mother-in-law expects to see your home is well-kept, clean and orderly, just as she worked hard to do while raising him. Of course she expects your husband to have clean clothes and clean underwear to wear at all times. Of course she expects your husband to always be well fed with healthy, nourishing meals, just as she did for so many years. Of course she does! So will you when it’s your turn to play the role of mother-in-law when the time comes.
Do not be a gossip. Are you a gossip? Do you talk crap about any of your in-laws? Spreading negative gossip about any or all family members will cause you to be labeled as a toxic person, undoubtedly leading friends, family and others to not want to associate with you or trust you ever again. The harmful effects of gossip are well-known, and you would be wise to learn the difference between good gossip and negative gossip before you yourself become a victim to a malicious gossiper and discover the results the hard way.

I know, there ARE mother-in-laws who will do everything within their power to prove you are not worthy of their son and will attempt to drive a wedge between you and your husband or husband-to-be. Develop a thick-skin, be assertive and respectful, but don’t stoop to her level and become anyone’s doormat. But not all mother-in-laws are trying to control you or take over your life; they want to be valued and want to share a meaningful place in your lives.

As the daughter-in-law, you’re trying to protect your “turf”, while your mother-in-law wants a place at your table too. Work on your relationship with your mother-in-law; read daughter-in-law books for further advice, be willing to apologize and sincerely say you are sorry for things wrongly said or done. Work hard to make amends with your mother-in-law and stop seeing her as a threat. Spend your time and energies building a good relationship with your mother-in-law that will last a lifetime.

Are you having MIL/DIL problems you would like to share? Do you have a question about having a good daughter-in-law relationship with your mother-in-law? Feel free to ask your questions in the comments section below.

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Today Is My Birthday and I’m Taking The Day Off

Lin — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 13:00:34 +0000

Another year has rolled around and today is my Birthday once again. Happy Birthday to Me! Is it just me or does it seem that Birthdays seem to come a lot faster the older we get? Hmm

Anyway, since I’ll be out of the office and not spending much time online today, but basking in the sun of doing absolutely nothing but fun things with my husband and family, I want to share some articles from other blogs for your reading pleasure.

I also want to welcome new subscribed readers from the DFW area, especially those living in and around Plano, Frisco, Allen, McKinney TX and surrounding suburbs. Thank you and welcome to Telling It Like It Is!

How to Take Fireworks Pictures – by my friend Todd Morris. I’m not much of a photographer myself, so I appreciate the tips and advice offered on taking good fireworks pictures. Now, if I could just manage to keep my thumb from appearing in photos I take with my digital camera, I’d be a happy camper.

How to Get More Time to Blog – by another friend Michael Martine. Finding the time to blog and post articles used to stress me out, but I’ve come to the personal decision that I write as often as I possibly can and when I have something to say. If I don’t post an article for a week or two, so be it. Readers that are truly interested in what I have to say are very understanding and patient, and don’t mind a brief lull in postings.

Living Your Passion: What It Takes To Be An Entrepreneur – by Jeff Nickles. I thoroughly enjoyed Jeff’s article on being an entrepreneur and the “grit” and determination needed to achieve our goals, ignoring the self-doubt or fear of success and just going for it! We really are our own worst enemies when it comes to creating and building our own success stories.

Enjoy your day! I know I will! See you soon!

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