It will be interesting to see who is chosen as the villain for Ali’s season on the Bachelorette, and how frankenbiting is used to mislead viewers to believe what is very likely not true.

It’s unfortunate how so many kids waste their parents money for college partying, alcohol (drugs) and who knows what else. Kids have a much better appreciation for things they’ve have some responsibility paying for. From everything I’ve read and those I linked to in this article, real appreciation and genuine gratitude amongst kids these days is almost a rarity.

More often than not, “kids” expect everything to be handed to them on a silver platter by their parents, with no personal effort put into it. Then parents hear stuff like “I didn’t ask you to pay for that” or, “I didn’t ask you to do that”. Then of course the parents who decide not to pay for college (or other things) are then looked down on because they chose not to pay or contribute. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

My two cents worth is to not let this situation come between you and your wife. You have many years left with her and they should be good years. Neither of you should have to deal with “kid problems” forever. Someday, you will retire and have earned the right to relax and enjoy life. If your son doesn’t get his act together, you will be facing the situation I have with my husband’s sons.

You have probably seen my many comments regarding how my husband is being manipulated by both of his non-working sons. This should not happen to any parent! A helping hand is good when needed, but not for life! I wish I could get through to my husband before this situation results in divorce. Our situation with his sons is never ending.

You may not have to worry as much since you are your son’s biological parents. At least you each have an equal interest in him. I don’t have the patience or desire to deal with step-sons who are lazy.

Anyway, good luck! At least you may be making some progress now.

#2 son did his military service first, participated in the Montgomery GI bill contributions at the maximum amount, and is now a full-time college student living from GI bill as well as from his savings (military single guys should be able to save a lot of money in three to four years). He’ll graduate in December but still has enough GI bill left to pay for grad school. I highly recommend this plan. Older students typically perform much better and are more focused on a career goal.

Even if we would have had plenty of money to contribute, we would not have contributed any more than we did (aside from some special project money). We’ve witnessed many kids who were far too immature and did not perform well in college, wasting parents’ tuition payments. We also know exceptions to that rule, but even my kids (now 27 and 24) agree that having to pay for things themselves has given them a much better appreciation of what they have.
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Kids getting a good education is definitely important. We, as parents, move mountains as our kids grow up to do what is necessary to make sure our kids get a good education starting with elementary school all the way through high school to graduation. Then what? Kids expect parents will pay ALL the costs for them to attend college, with little or no personal financial contribution towards their education themselves. Kids who have no “skin in the game” and don’t at least pay for part of their own college education have been shown to have or develop a sense of entitlement, and feel it’s perfectly fine for them to spend their parents money on a variety of things (partying is just one of them) that wasn’t part of the arrangement. Here is my article about paying for college and the question of should parents pay for all college costs. I provided quite a few links to other “college” related articles in my article, including one on a education site that suggests manipulative tactics kids are told to use on their parents, to “guilt” them into paying for everything pertaining to college. Yikes. In my opinion, entitlement issues started becoming a problem during/after the depression, when parents started saying things like “I want my kids to have more than I did” and similar quotes.

Hang in there David, and keep working towards getting out from underneath your son’s bills and responsibilities. The idea so many “kids” have that they need to hold out for the perfect job sounds exactly like a Dr. Phil program I saw on tv the other day. Except this guy was well into his 40’s, if not 50’s. Ugh.

You can see my note to Suzanne below about my shared account mess with my son. I hope to work this out somehow.

Regarding college, I was scripted by my parents that college was a must and to pull out all stops to get my children through school. I took this a little too far in that I basically supplied everything for my youngest son (my oldest didn’t have it quite so good and he is doing well right now – should have learned, but they are completely different young men). For me the cost was not too great in that my son went to JC which was easy to pay out of pocket; university for only 2 1/2 years. We were fortunate in that my job has paid well and I was able to “pay as we go” with our son’s room, board and school. Many of our relatives have not had it as easy and are deeply in debt. In some ways it is the same story with their adult children. Several will or have moved back home after school and a few are still attached financially many years after graduating. Many of our friends are also in the same boat with their adult children. It is almost as if this situation has been become norm in today’s society. It’s a real problem, and there is underlying peer pressure to conform.

David

Thanks for the advice. I am in a mess with trying to de-tangle from my son’s account. Either he or myself has to take my name off, in person at a bank branch. I am not sure how willing he will be to do this himself at this juncture. I am in Bangkok and will not be back in the States until July. The apt lease is another issue – trying to make the payment myself so I gain control of this again with the money trail. The lease ends in July.

The hardest thing our son is facing is the attitude that he is above the so called lower level work and needs to continue the search until he finds the position commensurate to his “lofty” college education. In this job environment it will never happen (unless he finds a great network connection – doesn’t exist and I can not help through my corporate position). My wife and I have told him to just land a 40 hr/week job anywhere first (He has never put a 40 hr week in his life). He is slowly coming around. We hope to push the issue a little more.

David

I think you should read the article again to fully understand the rules about becoming emancipated. Your dad taking you to his home to live after your grandmother died is not kidnapping, even if you didn’t want to go. You’re still considered a minor until you turn 18, so you living with your dad now is no surprise. Think long and hard about what it means to provide for yourself before thinking “provide for myself and that’s it” as far as emancipation. Read the article again, slowly this time. You have to have parent consent to be emancipated, and the parent(s) have to be informed with the court date etc.