The expectations that your MIL has about calling every single day and stopping by to visit a few times a week is unrealistic and beyond ridiculous. Her kids are grown and have their own lives, jobs and families to take care of and support. If she’s feeling “empty nest” sort of feelings, then she needs to realize that and make some plans of her own of things she can do with the rest of her life without intruding on the lives of her children. Happy Thanksgiving in advance Amanda, and I hope you and your hubby make the holidays fabulous!

I am going to do my best to grow as a person and move along with my life. I don’t think I will ever have a close relationship with my mother in law, but I’m okay with that. Thanks so much for your advice! It is so nice to hear an unbiased opinion!

I’m glad to hear you are moving out soon. Those situation don’t usually work out very well, so having a place of your own will do a lot to reduce if not eliminate much of the stress you’ve been experiencing.

Since you all live with your mother-in-law and father-in-law and the home is theirs and not yours, you really don’t have much say in the matter of how those unruly kids are or aren’t disciplined. You can only make sure you and your husband are raising your children right and with good manners etc. Of course, the sooner you move out the better.

I personally don’t see the benefit of telling anyone that feelings have been hurt etc, because for the most part everyone will just blow off what you’re saying as being whining. Before you move out, you could always OPT to “have other plans” on Sunday’s which would allow you and your family to do something else away from the chaos and return a couple hours later when everyone has left. It’s just an idea of course, but the sooner you move out the better. Once you’ve moved out, you can then decide what will or won’t go on in your own home.

As much as you would be agreeable to the relationship between your husband and his mother getting better, there must be a reason why that hasn’t happened and why your husband isn’t really inclined to do much about it.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a whole lot that you can do to try and stop his mother from talking crap about either of you, whether in your ear shot or while you’re not around. Gossipers don’t care about the people they’re talking crap about – nor do gossipers take the time to consider how being a gossip makes them look to everyone they’re gossiping TO.

It seems to me that you have two choices. One, you and your husband could sit down with your MIL and respectfully explain to her that the things she’s doing towards you and your husband is creating a much deeper problem between all of you. You could then explain to her the different things you’ve decided as a couple to do in regards to setting boundaries with her, so that you and your husband can enjoy the peace you deserve without having to constantly put up with family nonsense. Your MIL doesn’t have to like the boundaries or agree with any of them. Like, how often you will or won’t be getting together with her. How often she may or may not call. How often you will or won’t “be dropping by to check on her” etc. You can’t let her control your lives, and she needs to know that, preferably from your husband’s mouth in a respectful, calm manner. How she takes the news and reacts to your joint decision is up to her, but you can also make clear to her that how she reacts to these boundaries and how/IF she goes and starts again to gossip and blame either of you etc for the relationship problems will not be tolerated and there will be further consequences to the relationship if she does so.

The other choice is to just ignore it and go on as is. Clearly that option doesn’t work well for any of you. Unfortunately, people gossip and why they do it to the detriment to the family relationships doesn’t seem to be taken seriously enough to stop the behavior. So, those who are continuously being gossiped about… end up taking the position of distancing themselves from the toxic behaviors of gossipers and spend almost NO time with them whatsoever. Good luck in what you decide Amanda.

Sorry for the delay in responding to your comment/question. Your message somehow ended up in my Spam folder and had to be approved from there. I’m going to email you directly about this because there are some things I don’t quite understand and I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying before I respond. Please watch for my email today.

When I first met my mother in law, she was always very polite and courteous to me. My husband warned me and said she was a horrible person and such, but I didn’t want to believe it. She tried to make me feel comfortable in her home and we didn’t experience any problems despite my husband having a poor relationship with her. My husband’s relationship with his mother is best described as volatile. They are both very stubborn people and their relationship has deteriorated in the years since we have married. Admittedly, I haven’t always wanted to spend time with her, but I have done so to keep the peace between her and my husband. I also find it difficult to try and develop a good relationship with a mother in law that clearly doesn’t get along with her son. I feel like if she develops a good relationship with me, she will begin to manipulate him through me as she has done in previous relationships. (She is still in contact with her other son’s ex-wife and my husband’s ex-girlfriend.)

Fast forward about six years. I am unemployed not by choice (my husband accepted a new job in another city) and things have really gone south regarding the relationship with his mother. She has begun to make comments about feeling neglected because he doesn’t spend enough time with her, she says I should be dropping by to check on her, accuses me of alienating my husband from the family, and makes comments about my job loss in ear shot of me. I feel stuck in between the two. I am supportive of the relationship getting better between them, but I don’t think my husband wants it to truly get better. I don’t think I can go on for years and years with blame being placed on me for their poor relationship. What should I do here? She seems to want more of a “spouse” relationship with her son than a normal mother-son relationship.

You’re pregnant, working crazy hours and being treated like a slave in your own home, from what I’m understanding here. Being married for such a short time AND having to deal with the constant invasion from in-laws in your home on a regular basis would most definitely create a lot of problems in marriages. I would think that your in-laws would understand that couples need their space and that they should get themselves a room in a hotel or motel when they’re in town, as a courtesy to you and your husband.

You’ve got to decide what you are willing and able to do, and what you’re not willing or able to do. You are pregnant and you have to take care of yourself and the baby you are carrying. You have to get your rest and being under so much stress and feeling like you have to cater to your in-laws about meals etc is too much.

You and your husband need to discuss calmly and rationally what you’ve told me, and come to an understanding of the boundaries needed. Perhaps discussing this with your doctor and getting some recommendations from him/her about what he/she needs you to do for your health and well-being and that of the baby may help persuade your husband to do what is right and best for his wife and child.

Stick to the subject though. When you’re arguing or fighting and the subject keeps changing from one thing to another, it ends up being the arguing is really over very different problems than when the fight started. I would highly recommend talking to your doctor who is caring for your pregnancy. The stress you are under and the amount of hours you’re working etc can’t be good for your health, plus the stress you’ve been under over the in-law problems. You have to take care of yourself and the baby, and your husband needs to “man up” and understand when enough is enough. You’re his wife, not his slave, chief cook and bottle washer.