Abused men are men and teenage boys who are in physically, mentally and emotionally abusive relationships involving partners, girlfriends or wives. Men who are abused do not get the respect, understanding, encouragement or support from society as a whole and are often criticized and ridiculed unfairly, further victimizing men who are abused.

Victims of domestic violence are not just women, wives or girlfriends. Domestic violence occurs with men too, and it’s about time abused men and society in general wake up to the alarming statistics about women, girlfriends and wives who abuse men and stop turning a deaf ear to the abuse men are experiencing.

Boyfriend and husband abuse is a reality in society and men who are abused by women need help, encouragement and support just as much as abused women do. Domestic violence against men, and abusive relationships of all types, do not discriminate and abuse occurs in all ethnic, racial and socio-economic groups.

When you hear the words “domestic violence” and physical, mental and/or emotional abuse, do you tend to think about women or girls who has been slapped, hit, punched, kicked, bullied, ridiculed, degraded, criticized and humiliated by a man? Domestic violence against women by men who claim to love them has been a serious problem for a very long time, but what about the men? What about men who are abused by women? Why do abused men stay in abusive relationships if it’s so bad, you may wonder.

Some women, girlfriends and wives are physically, mentally and emotionally aggressive in relationships with their boyfriends, partners or husbands. Abused men rarely come forward to share their experiences as domestic abuse victims because of fear. Abused men stay in abusive relationships and marriages for much the same reasons abused woman stay, with fear being the primary reason.

Men who are abused are often afraid of being stigmatized by others with fear of being labeled a dependent, spineless doormat, passive-aggressive “wimp” or “whipped” man with low self-worth. Men who are abused are often too afraid to tell or admit to others that they are being mentally or emotionally abused, if not physically, and view telling as a loss of their manhood.

The statistics for abused men who are beaten or battered by the women who claim to love them say that men are abused more than women are abused, battered, beaten and bruised by men. Unfortunately, physically abused and battered men tend not to call the police or report the abuse they have suffered at the hands of girlfriends or wives, and even when these men do call the police to report the violence, they’re pleas for help are often ignored.

The myths about abused men are astounding. Teen boys and men who are abused need to identify and recognize the warning signs of abusive relationships and take action. Love Doesn’t Hurt. Teenage girls, women or wives who are physical, emotional or psychological abusers gradually chip away at a man’s feelings of self-worth and independence in the same way angry, controlling, abusive men act towards women.

Emotionally Abused Men

Male victims of emotional abuse may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or marriage, often ignoring the symptoms that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship that can so quickly become physically abusive. Emotional abuse includes verbal attacks such as yelling, blaming, ridiculing, name-calling, intimidation, controlling behaviors, isolation from family or friends, shaming, threats of physical violence and more. Abuse of any kind – physical, mental or emotional abuse is an absolute deal breaker in my book and should be for anyone who experiences domestic violence in some form or fashion.

The scars of having been emotionally abused are very real and run very, very deep. Emotional abuse often escalates to the point of physical abuse and battery. Even death. Abusers do not change. Let me repeat that: Abusers do not change, and if you are a man or teenage boy who feels he must “walk on eggshells” around his partner, girlfriend or wife in order to “keep the peace” and try to prevent her from having a conniption fit about everything or anything – you are very likely in an unhealthy, controlling, abusive relationship and need to get out now.

See Toxic Relationships-Toxic Family Members for help figuring out if your girlfriend or wife is toxic or not.

There are many signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, and they are much the same as those that apply to women who are abused by men. Physically or emotionally abused men must not be allow abusive women to control them any longer. Not for one more minute, not for one more hour, and definitely not for one more day of their lives.

Having heard from several men who felt they were pressured into marriage by emotionally abusive girlfriends, plus having written articles about women abused by men, I feel a responsibility and desire to address the issues involving abused men.

Just as I recommended to these men that they read the book, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence authored by Phillip W. Cook, I implore and strongly suggest that men who feel they are being physically, mentally or emotionally abused by a partner, girlfriend or wife to not only read the abused men book but also seek help now. Your very life may depend on it.

Similar Posts:

• Husband Abuse: Abused Husbands and Men in Abusive Relationships
• How To Deal With Teenage Abusive Relationships
• Ladies: Why You Need to Know How to Hide Money From Your Husband
• Oprah Warns Rihanna: Oprah Warns Rihanna, Love Doesn’t Hurt
• Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men

One of the most frustrating things for people not personally involved in an abusive or battering relationship is trying to understand why a woman doesn’t leave. Far too often they judge domestic violence situations. They may ask, “If it’s that bad, why doesn’t she just leave?” They may say, “She must stay because she enjoys it.” And may say, “This could never happen to me. I wouldn’t allow it.”

The most important thing to keep in mind is that extreme emotional abuse is always present in domestic violence situations. On average, an abused woman will leave her partner several times. The reasons they return or stay in the relationship vary from woman to woman.

This is a topic I am all too familiar with in my previous marriage. My personal experience of spousal abuse may not make me an expert or authority on the subject, but I am someone who truly understands the difficult issues involved with leaving such a relationship. Carefully consider the following information, as it pertains to abused women in general, as well as the aspects that affected me personally. You may see yourself in this Emotional Dance of Domestic Abuse, or someone you know and care about. Educating yourself on these issues may help you save yourself or someone you love.

Some women who remain in abusive relationships may do so for “the sake of the children.” They may feel that an abusive husband and/or father is better than none at all. The abusive episodes they endure have greatly diminished their judgment, leaving them in a constant state of anxiety and fear. They question their ability and strength to live alone and care for their children. Also, the threat of a child custody battle, fear of losing their children and worry about the financial strains of raising children immobilize them.

Personally, I had tremendous fear that my then-husband would take our children to Mexico, where he is from, and I would either never see or hear from my children again, or the struggle that would ensue in trying to locate and return my children to me.

Abused women are usually threatened by their abusers if they try to leave. Continuous “fear” of what the abuser could or might do in retaliation may cause some women to stay even when she knows she should leave. (Refer to “The Many Faces of Domestic Violence.”) Statistically, abused women and their children are in the most danger when they try to escape the violence. This is referred to as “separation violence.”

Personally, I left my then-husband three separate times over the course of our fifteen year marriage. In his usual, no-nonsense manner, he informed me that if I were to leave, I would “lose the children.” How or why he believed I would lose the children was never made clear, but was only meant to intimidate me into staying. It worked, but only for awhile.

Violence often escalates when women leave or are in the process of leaving the relationship. News reports of murder/suicide involving estranged couples, or reports of a parent leaving the country with their children during separation or divorce proceedings, clearly shows the serious dangers involved therein.

Many abused women feel they have nowhere to go and “lack financial resources.” Frequently, they do not have the immediate financial resources necessary to leave, and fear they will be unable to provide for themselves and their children’s needs. Most women suffer dramatic financial loss, much more so than men, following divorce. Because of the emotional abuse endured, women may believe that they are not capable of surviving or succeeding on their own, perhaps due to limited job skills and income potential.

Personally, I was a stay-at-home wife and mother, with no form of income of my own, with little or no access to “his” money. Purchases made had to be cleared with him first, and without such clearance, I was physically locked out of the house with the warning to return the items I had bought (usually for our children) and to bring him back “his money.”

Abusers often attempt to “isolate” their partners from family and friends. Without a support system and outside validation, partners gradually become more and more vulnerable. In time, abusers are able to control their partner’s perceptions of the abuse and victims may begin to doubt their own sanity. Abusers inflict gradual, yet increasing, emotional abuse on their partners, often to the point where the victim comes to believe they are responsible and to blame for the abuse.

With my intense religious upbringing, I dutifully approached religious leaders as well as my own father in an attempt to get help. This, unfortunately, only made matters worse for me. Without carefully listening to me and what I had to say, even my own father, a church leader, told me in no uncertain terms to get my “butt back where I belong”, meaning with my abusive husband. The embarrassment within the church community was the furthest thing from my mind, as I was more concerned about what was surely going to happen once I got my butt back “home.”

Often, abused women feel committed to their partner’s “for better or worse.” Although unrealistic, they want the abuse to stop but the relationship to continue. They hope that “with enough love” the violence will stop, being attracted to their partner’s good side and the period during which there is no violence. However, research has shown that the abuse will not stop, and will likely escalate, without the help of others. Belief in Counseling for the Abuser, and the dream of a life without the violence, holds many women to the relationship.

Even though marrying very young, I took my marriage vows before God and witnesses very seriously. I never imagined that my marriage would become as it did. I was born and raised third-generation of this particular “faith”, wherein the only acceptable grounds for divorce was that of adultery that could be proved by “two or more witnesses”, according to church teaching. To get a divorce without clear proof of adultery, according to church teachings, required complete and total celibacy and no hope of ever remarrying. To remarry after a divorce with no clear proof of adultery, invariably and abruptly lead you to being excommunicated from the church entirely, wherein even your own family and close friends would have nothing to do with you.

The Process of Leaving Issues – Most abused women leave and return several times before permanently separating from their abusers. Separation from abusive partner’s takes time, because of strong emotional involvement and investment in the relationship, as well as a fierce desire that there be change. Every time a woman leaves, they gain more courage and strength, as well as valuable information pertaining to available resources and their own abilities. Because of the potential dangers involved in leaving, it is vital that they do so in the safest way possible, with knowledge of available resources and a plan.

I planned and prepared for leaving the marriage for six long months. I began working part-time a short distance from our home as an Office Manager for a dental office. My organization skills and ability to close patients’ outstanding balances, lead to my being taken on full-time and a nice raise. I opened a secret bank account and began saving every penny I could pinch towards my lawyer and court fees. Until I had the monies needed to file for divorce, I told no one. No one. The mental and emotional strength and validation I received while working and earning my own money, quickly diminished my fears of how I would care and provide for not only myself, but also my children. The person I was before the marriage was returning in full force, and I was quickly becoming a force to be reckoned with.

Often times, women feel that no one will believe that their partner’s are capable of abuse, often referred to as Societal Denial. Outwardly, abusers are often friendly, popular, charming, successful and professionally confident. Treatment and behaviors towards the community and work place are very different from those with whom they live. They are highly skilled at keeping their controlling and abusive behavior behind closed doors.

I cannot emphasize enough the tenacious ability abusers have in covering up their true colors while in public. I would often hear, especially within the church, “Your husband is so nice”, or “You must be so proud of your husband having been recommended for a leadership role” within the church. If these ones only knew the strength it took for me not to scream out loud “Are you kidding me?!”

The Perpetual Cycle of Violence – Women may stay in abusive relationships because their partners promise “it will never happen again.” Abusive partners may check violent tendencies for a time. But, without professional intervention and help, this “honeymoon phase” of tenderness, apologies and even gift giving, will invariably end abruptly and violently once again.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard “it won’t happen again I promise”, I’d never have to work another day in my life. But sadly, even I fell for that one time after time. Until the last time.

Domestic abuse and violence shame and humiliate woman. When women live in a constant state of humiliation, they lose the ability and power to assert themselves and assess accurately what is going on in their own life. As a result, women who endure emotional and physical abuse live in a state of perpetual or intermittent denial in order to simply exist day to day.

Since gaining the emotional strength, and needed financial independence, I have lived up to the promise I made to myself as I walked out of the courtroom, that I will never, ever accept that way of life again.

Since my divorce in 1993, I no longer could accept the religion I was brought up in, for many reasons. Although leaving the religion on my own accord lead to the church decision to excommunicate me, therefore losing contact with my family and then-close friends, I am now truly happy and free of abuse. I remarried in 2003 to a wonderful, kind and loving man, who knows me to be a strong, outspoken woman, a force to be reckoned with.

Further Reading: How To Hide Money From An Abusive Husband
Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men

Similar Posts:

• Abused Men: Battered and Emotionally Abused Male Victims of Domestic Violence
• Ladies: Why You Need to Know How to Hide Money From Your Husband
• RELIGION & ABUSE IN MARRIAGE
• Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men
• Husband Abuse: Abused Husbands and Men in Abusive Relationships