Deciding to leave an abusive marriage or relationship is never easy, and the decision to leave is very personal. Leaving abusive relationships can be downright dangerous, even life-threatening, especially during the first few months after leaving. The signs of abuse are all there, even if there are no visible bruises, wounds or scars from being physically abused. The mental and emotional turmoil experienced by victims of domestic violence may be unseen to those unaware of the pain abused husbands or wives have gone through.

But, the men and women who have been battered physically, mentally or emotionally abused and have had their self-esteem beaten down, feel the fear of leaving their abuser for many different reasons. Leaving an abusive husband or wife requires a plan of action, in order to safely and successfully leave the abusive partner or spouse. Statistics show that the chances the abuser will change, even with professional counseling, are slim to none. Men or women with an abusive personality do not change. A truly abusive person does not change, will not change, and victims must get out.

Beware of well-meaning family and friends who say you should stay in hopes of a better relationship in time, perhaps with professional help from counselors, therapists, clergy etc. Getting away from or leaving the abusive woman or man for good is necessary. Spousal abuse, in any of its forms, frequently becomes more severe over time, leading some abusive husbands or wives to maim or murder their spouse in cold blood.

The same is true in abusive relationships where the man and woman are not married, but have either recently started dating or are in a long-term relationship. Keep that in mind when talking to your children or teens about teenage abusive relationships between boyfriends and girlfriends. Abusive husbands and wives often feel trapped in abusive marriages by intimidation, threats of various kinds, financial control, and fear for the children living in homes where spousal abuse is prevalent.

Being afraid to leave an abusive wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend is especially true for victims whose self-esteem is low. Even though leaving abusive relationships is not simple or easy, it is important for abuse victims to remember that thousands upon thousands of men and women before you have not only left, survived and gotten a divorce, but became happier, healthier men and women as a result.

Emotional, physical, psychological, financial, mental or verbal abuse does not create or maintain happy, healthy marriages or long-term relationships. Angry, controlling, abusive behaviors and attitudes destroy marriages every day. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, or being beaten and battered by a violent abuser who claims to love their significant other, developing a safe exit strategy for leaving the abusive marriage is vital for your safety and well-being before leaving the relationship.

A healthy, happy marriage between a husband and wife should always be one that promotes and encourages love, respect, honor, friendship, communication, intimacy, commitment, fidelity, support, sharing common goals and dreams, and much more. Some of these qualities and personality characteristics are even included in traditional marriage vows marrying couples make to each other, right before saying “I do”.

Unfortunately, according to Susan Murphy-Milano’s new book How to Escape Abusive and Stalking Relationships, there are more than five million women and their children living in a violent relationship today, and this number is increasing as new technology from tracking devices on cell phones to computer technology allow an abusive person to track his or her victim’s every move.

It can be intimidating, scary, stressful and overwhelming to consider leaving a marriage where you have continuously been receiving the message that you are inferior, worthless, crazy, and otherwise incapable. Change is never easy; especially if you’ve been mentally and physically beaten down, and victims may not believe they have the strength and courage to leave. But they must leave. For good.

“Domestic violence and stalking related crimes are being dismissed in a flurry of shuffled divorce documents and court orders of protection. You cannot plead with an abuser and walk away from potentially life threatening situations if you are unable to learn the steps necessary to protect yourself”, says veteran violence safety expert Susan Murphy Milano in her Time’s Up guidebook.

Spousal abuse victims desperately need the tools, advice, help and support provided in Susan’s new book, as abused men and women face the debilitating problems in their marriages and take steps to regain control of their lives. Victims of abusive marriages, those considering leaving their abusive spouse and getting a divorce, or victims going through divorce proceedings now are able to provide valuable, documented information about their case to their divorce lawyer and court judges about the fears, dangers and personal experiences they have had at the hands of their abuser.

Abusive personality types are clever like a fox and master manipulators. “Snake in the grass” seems like a good description to me. This book doesn’t merely discuss when you should leave or why you should leave, it tells you HOW you should leave. Included are step-by-step instructions how to covertly and secretly make a plan, set-up a safe escape, deal with financial issues, and the paperwork.

Susan’s book teaches abuse victims the techniques and strategies required to remain ten steps ahead of the abuser while in process of leaving and after leaving, and before a threat against your life can be carried out against you or your children. Susan’s book is like the “Bible” for anyone in an abusive relationship. Susan takes your hand and walks you step-by-step through what you need to do to safely leave and survive, all in one piece.

If you have a friend or family member in an abusive relationship, her book is the best gift you can give them as a way of helping someone you know leave an abusive relationship. Susan’s book also serves as a reality check for an abusive husband or wife, rather than a defensive resource for an abusive person to use against their victims. The pages that call out the different types of abuse, and the profile of an abuser, are excellent reading for anyone in a domestic relationship.

With the Evidentiary Abuse affidavit provided in the book, victims are able to provide legal documentation and answers that describe:

• Threats made against your life or well being,

• Incidents of past abuse that a victim had endured

• Admissions of how a threat will be carried out against a victim once they announce they are leaving or filing for a divorce

• Where evidence or weapons would or could be located

• Portray visible injuries or marks

• Determine how to begin and continue through the complex maze a victim faces with police and prosecutors

• How to leave a Perpetrator

• How to collect evidence “on the fly”

• How to begin and continue on the road to safety using a virtual toolbox of techniques

• How family and friends can be crucial in this process

Susan’s book gives victims the strength, courage, determination and tools needed to get a divorce from an abusive husband or wife safely. Victims are taken from the State of being controlled to the “State of Being in Control”. The denial stops now. The reality of the abusive marriage or relationship is clear. You may be an abused husband or an abused wife. Or you may be dating or living with an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend. Love doesn’t hurt. Love doesn’t abuse. If you are being abused mentally, emotionally or physically, the time has come for the abuse to end so you can move on with your life free of abuse. Now.

Rev. Jennifer Burns Lewis says of Susan’s book, “There is nothing like this out there. The reason this book is so valuable is that it’s the first book to provide step-by step procedures and structure to protect everyone from dangerous and abusive relationships.” Susan Murphy-Milano is also the author of “Defending Our Lives, Getting Away From Domestic Violence and Staying Safe” and the “Moving Out, Moving On, When a Relationship Goes Wrong” workbook.

Similar Posts:

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• Husband Abuse: Mentally, Physically and Emotionally Abused Men
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One of the most frustrating things for people not personally involved in an abusive or battering relationship is trying to understand why a woman doesn’t leave. Far too often they judge domestic violence situations. They may ask, “If it’s that bad, why doesn’t she just leave?” They may say, “She must stay because she enjoys it.” And may say, “This could never happen to me. I wouldn’t allow it.”

The most important thing to keep in mind is that extreme emotional abuse is always present in domestic violence situations. On average, an abused woman will leave her partner several times. The reasons they return or stay in the relationship vary from woman to woman.

This is a topic I am all too familiar with in my previous marriage. My personal experience of spousal abuse may not make me an expert or authority on the subject, but I am someone who truly understands the difficult issues involved with leaving such a relationship. Carefully consider the following information, as it pertains to abused women in general, as well as the aspects that affected me personally. You may see yourself in this Emotional Dance of Domestic Abuse, or someone you know and care about. Educating yourself on these issues may help you save yourself or someone you love.

Some women who remain in abusive relationships may do so for “the sake of the children.” They may feel that an abusive husband and/or father is better than none at all. The abusive episodes they endure have greatly diminished their judgment, leaving them in a constant state of anxiety and fear. They question their ability and strength to live alone and care for their children. Also, the threat of a child custody battle, fear of losing their children and worry about the financial strains of raising children immobilize them.

Personally, I had tremendous fear that my then-husband would take our children to Mexico, where he is from, and I would either never see or hear from my children again, or the struggle that would ensue in trying to locate and return my children to me.

Abused women are usually threatened by their abusers if they try to leave. Continuous “fear” of what the abuser could or might do in retaliation may cause some women to stay even when she knows she should leave. (Refer to “The Many Faces of Domestic Violence.”) Statistically, abused women and their children are in the most danger when they try to escape the violence. This is referred to as “separation violence.”

Personally, I left my then-husband three separate times over the course of our fifteen year marriage. In his usual, no-nonsense manner, he informed me that if I were to leave, I would “lose the children.” How or why he believed I would lose the children was never made clear, but was only meant to intimidate me into staying. It worked, but only for awhile.

Violence often escalates when women leave or are in the process of leaving the relationship. News reports of murder/suicide involving estranged couples, or reports of a parent leaving the country with their children during separation or divorce proceedings, clearly shows the serious dangers involved therein.

Many abused women feel they have nowhere to go and “lack financial resources.” Frequently, they do not have the immediate financial resources necessary to leave, and fear they will be unable to provide for themselves and their children’s needs. Most women suffer dramatic financial loss, much more so than men, following divorce. Because of the emotional abuse endured, women may believe that they are not capable of surviving or succeeding on their own, perhaps due to limited job skills and income potential.

Personally, I was a stay-at-home wife and mother, with no form of income of my own, with little or no access to “his” money. Purchases made had to be cleared with him first, and without such clearance, I was physically locked out of the house with the warning to return the items I had bought (usually for our children) and to bring him back “his money.”

Abusers often attempt to “isolate” their partners from family and friends. Without a support system and outside validation, partners gradually become more and more vulnerable. In time, abusers are able to control their partner’s perceptions of the abuse and victims may begin to doubt their own sanity. Abusers inflict gradual, yet increasing, emotional abuse on their partners, often to the point where the victim comes to believe they are responsible and to blame for the abuse.

With my intense religious upbringing, I dutifully approached religious leaders as well as my own father in an attempt to get help. This, unfortunately, only made matters worse for me. Without carefully listening to me and what I had to say, even my own father, a church leader, told me in no uncertain terms to get my “butt back where I belong”, meaning with my abusive husband. The embarrassment within the church community was the furthest thing from my mind, as I was more concerned about what was surely going to happen once I got my butt back “home.”

Often, abused women feel committed to their partner’s “for better or worse.” Although unrealistic, they want the abuse to stop but the relationship to continue. They hope that “with enough love” the violence will stop, being attracted to their partner’s good side and the period during which there is no violence. However, research has shown that the abuse will not stop, and will likely escalate, without the help of others. Belief in Counseling for the Abuser, and the dream of a life without the violence, holds many women to the relationship.

Even though marrying very young, I took my marriage vows before God and witnesses very seriously. I never imagined that my marriage would become as it did. I was born and raised third-generation of this particular “faith”, wherein the only acceptable grounds for divorce was that of adultery that could be proved by “two or more witnesses”, according to church teaching. To get a divorce without clear proof of adultery, according to church teachings, required complete and total celibacy and no hope of ever remarrying. To remarry after a divorce with no clear proof of adultery, invariably and abruptly lead you to being excommunicated from the church entirely, wherein even your own family and close friends would have nothing to do with you.

The Process of Leaving Issues – Most abused women leave and return several times before permanently separating from their abusers. Separation from abusive partner’s takes time, because of strong emotional involvement and investment in the relationship, as well as a fierce desire that there be change. Every time a woman leaves, they gain more courage and strength, as well as valuable information pertaining to available resources and their own abilities. Because of the potential dangers involved in leaving, it is vital that they do so in the safest way possible, with knowledge of available resources and a plan.

I planned and prepared for leaving the marriage for six long months. I began working part-time a short distance from our home as an Office Manager for a dental office. My organization skills and ability to close patients’ outstanding balances, lead to my being taken on full-time and a nice raise. I opened a secret bank account and began saving every penny I could pinch towards my lawyer and court fees. Until I had the monies needed to file for divorce, I told no one. No one. The mental and emotional strength and validation I received while working and earning my own money, quickly diminished my fears of how I would care and provide for not only myself, but also my children. The person I was before the marriage was returning in full force, and I was quickly becoming a force to be reckoned with.

Often times, women feel that no one will believe that their partner’s are capable of abuse, often referred to as Societal Denial. Outwardly, abusers are often friendly, popular, charming, successful and professionally confident. Treatment and behaviors towards the community and work place are very different from those with whom they live. They are highly skilled at keeping their controlling and abusive behavior behind closed doors.

I cannot emphasize enough the tenacious ability abusers have in covering up their true colors while in public. I would often hear, especially within the church, “Your husband is so nice”, or “You must be so proud of your husband having been recommended for a leadership role” within the church. If these ones only knew the strength it took for me not to scream out loud “Are you kidding me?!”

The Perpetual Cycle of Violence – Women may stay in abusive relationships because their partners promise “it will never happen again.” Abusive partners may check violent tendencies for a time. But, without professional intervention and help, this “honeymoon phase” of tenderness, apologies and even gift giving, will invariably end abruptly and violently once again.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard “it won’t happen again I promise”, I’d never have to work another day in my life. But sadly, even I fell for that one time after time. Until the last time.

Domestic abuse and violence shame and humiliate woman. When women live in a constant state of humiliation, they lose the ability and power to assert themselves and assess accurately what is going on in their own life. As a result, women who endure emotional and physical abuse live in a state of perpetual or intermittent denial in order to simply exist day to day.

Since gaining the emotional strength, and needed financial independence, I have lived up to the promise I made to myself as I walked out of the courtroom, that I will never, ever accept that way of life again.

Since my divorce in 1993, I no longer could accept the religion I was brought up in, for many reasons. Although leaving the religion on my own accord lead to the church decision to excommunicate me, therefore losing contact with my family and then-close friends, I am now truly happy and free of abuse. I remarried in 2003 to a wonderful, kind and loving man, who knows me to be a strong, outspoken woman, a force to be reckoned with.

Further Reading: How To Hide Money From An Abusive Husband
Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men

Similar Posts:

• Abused Men: Battered and Emotionally Abused Male Victims of Domestic Violence
• Husband Abuse: Mentally, Physically and Emotionally Abused Men
• Ladies: Why You Need to Know How to Hide Money From Your Husband
• RELIGION & ABUSE IN MARRIAGE
• Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling and Abusive Men