Deciding to leave an abusive marriage or relationship is never easy, and the decision to leave is very personal. Leaving abusive relationships can be downright dangerous, even life-threatening, especially during the first few months after leaving. The signs of abuse are all there, even if there are no visible bruises, wounds or scars from being physically abused. The mental and emotional turmoil experienced by victims of domestic violence may be unseen to those unaware of the pain abused husbands or wives have gone through.

But, the men and women who have been battered physically, mentally or emotionally abused and have had their self-esteem beaten down, feel the fear of leaving their abuser for many different reasons. Leaving an abusive husband or wife requires a plan of action, in order to safely and successfully leave the abusive partner or spouse. Statistics show that the chances the abuser will change, even with professional counseling, are slim to none. Men or women with an abusive personality do not change. A truly abusive person does not change, will not change, and victims must get out.

Beware of well-meaning family and friends who say you should stay in hopes of a better relationship in time, perhaps with professional help from counselors, therapists, clergy etc. Getting away from or leaving the abusive woman or man for good is necessary. Spousal abuse, in any of its forms, frequently becomes more severe over time, leading some abusive husbands or wives to maim or murder their spouse in cold blood.

The same is true in abusive relationships where the man and woman are not married, but have either recently started dating or are in a long-term relationship. Keep that in mind when talking to your children or teens about teenage abusive relationships between boyfriends and girlfriends. Abusive husbands and wives often feel trapped in abusive marriages by intimidation, threats of various kinds, financial control, and fear for the children living in homes where spousal abuse is prevalent.

Being afraid to leave an abusive wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend is especially true for victims whose self-esteem is low. Even though leaving abusive relationships is not simple or easy, it is important for abuse victims to remember that thousands upon thousands of men and women before you have not only left, survived and gotten a divorce, but became happier, healthier men and women as a result.

Emotional, physical, psychological, financial, mental or verbal abuse does not create or maintain happy, healthy marriages or long-term relationships. Angry, controlling, abusive behaviors and attitudes destroy marriages every day. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, or being beaten and battered by a violent abuser who claims to love their significant other, developing a safe exit strategy for leaving the abusive marriage is vital for your safety and well-being before leaving the relationship.

A healthy, happy marriage between a husband and wife should always be one that promotes and encourages love, respect, honor, friendship, communication, intimacy, commitment, fidelity, support, sharing common goals and dreams, and much more. Some of these qualities and personality characteristics are even included in traditional marriage vows marrying couples make to each other, right before saying “I do”.

Unfortunately, according to Susan Murphy-Milano’s new book How to Escape Abusive and Stalking Relationships, there are more than five million women and their children living in a violent relationship today, and this number is increasing as new technology from tracking devices on cell phones to computer technology allow an abusive person to track his or her victim’s every move.

It can be intimidating, scary, stressful and overwhelming to consider leaving a marriage where you have continuously been receiving the message that you are inferior, worthless, crazy, and otherwise incapable. Change is never easy; especially if you’ve been mentally and physically beaten down, and victims may not believe they have the strength and courage to leave. But they must leave. For good.

“Domestic violence and stalking related crimes are being dismissed in a flurry of shuffled divorce documents and court orders of protection. You cannot plead with an abuser and walk away from potentially life threatening situations if you are unable to learn the steps necessary to protect yourself”, says veteran violence safety expert Susan Murphy Milano in her Time’s Up guidebook.

Spousal abuse victims desperately need the tools, advice, help and support provided in Susan’s new book, as abused men and women face the debilitating problems in their marriages and take steps to regain control of their lives. Victims of abusive marriages, those considering leaving their abusive spouse and getting a divorce, or victims going through divorce proceedings now are able to provide valuable, documented information about their case to their divorce lawyer and court judges about the fears, dangers and personal experiences they have had at the hands of their abuser.

Abusive personality types are clever like a fox and master manipulators. “Snake in the grass” seems like a good description to me. This book doesn’t merely discuss when you should leave or why you should leave, it tells you HOW you should leave. Included are step-by-step instructions how to covertly and secretly make a plan, set-up a safe escape, deal with financial issues, and the paperwork.

Susan’s book teaches abuse victims the techniques and strategies required to remain ten steps ahead of the abuser while in process of leaving and after leaving, and before a threat against your life can be carried out against you or your children. Susan’s book is like the “Bible” for anyone in an abusive relationship. Susan takes your hand and walks you step-by-step through what you need to do to safely leave and survive, all in one piece.

If you have a friend or family member in an abusive relationship, her book is the best gift you can give them as a way of helping someone you know leave an abusive relationship. Susan’s book also serves as a reality check for an abusive husband or wife, rather than a defensive resource for an abusive person to use against their victims. The pages that call out the different types of abuse, and the profile of an abuser, are excellent reading for anyone in a domestic relationship.

With the Evidentiary Abuse affidavit provided in the book, victims are able to provide legal documentation and answers that describe:

• Threats made against your life or well being,

• Incidents of past abuse that a victim had endured

• Admissions of how a threat will be carried out against a victim once they announce they are leaving or filing for a divorce

• Where evidence or weapons would or could be located

• Portray visible injuries or marks

• Determine how to begin and continue through the complex maze a victim faces with police and prosecutors

• How to leave a Perpetrator

• How to collect evidence “on the fly”

• How to begin and continue on the road to safety using a virtual toolbox of techniques

• How family and friends can be crucial in this process

Susan’s book gives victims the strength, courage, determination and tools needed to get a divorce from an abusive husband or wife safely. Victims are taken from the State of being controlled to the “State of Being in Control”. The denial stops now. The reality of the abusive marriage or relationship is clear. You may be an abused husband or an abused wife. Or you may be dating or living with an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend. Love doesn’t hurt. Love doesn’t abuse. If you are being abused mentally, emotionally or physically, the time has come for the abuse to end so you can move on with your life free of abuse. Now.

Rev. Jennifer Burns Lewis says of Susan’s book, “There is nothing like this out there. The reason this book is so valuable is that it’s the first book to provide step-by step procedures and structure to protect everyone from dangerous and abusive relationships.” Susan Murphy-Milano is also the author of “Defending Our Lives, Getting Away From Domestic Violence and Staying Safe” and the “Moving Out, Moving On, When a Relationship Goes Wrong” workbook.

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Are you an abused husband? Teenage boys, is your girlfriend abusing you? Does your wife, partner or girlfriend physically, mentally, emotionally or financially abuse you? What should abused men do if they are married to an abusive wife who is verbally, mentally, emotionally or perhaps even physically abusing her husband? Parents, have you taught your sons and daughters to identify the warning signs of abusive relationships, so they know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, in order to avoid becoming an abuse victim?

If you have sons or daughters who are dating or married, how would you react if you discovered they were being abused by the person who claims to love them? If you are a man who is dealing with an abusive spouse or partner, in or outside of the marriage covenant, the psychological damage of being an abused man by the woman you love must be heartbreaking for you.

Relationship Abuse by Abusive Women

Over the last several months, I have received numerous emails from men who say that their wife or girlfriend is not only verbally and emotionally abusive to them but also, in many cases, physically abusive. I am quite familiar with the reported statistics regarding abused men, just as I know the statistics about abused women. Unfortunately, those statistics do not tell the whole story because so many abused men and women do not report the abuse to the police, in order for there to be an accurate and updated database to go by.

Men who are abused by wives, girlfriends or significant others are much less likely to report the abuse to the police than women are, because society in general has not recognized, supported or provided the help, advice and assistance abused men want, need and deserve. Grown men and teenage boys are often left to suffer relationship abuse in silence while the emotional, mental and physical abuse by abusive women and girlfriends takes its toll on their victims.

Emotionally Abused Men

Emotionally abused men, even if not physically battered or beaten, are having their self-esteem and sense of “manhood” and masculinity destroyed from the inside out. There are no visible scars, wounds or bruises to use as evidence to prove to the police or anyone else that these men are being abused by their wives or girlfriends. But make no mistake, the wounds, bruises and scars of being verbally and mentally abused are obvious and constantly felt by the victim.

The shame, embarrassment and fear abused husbands and men feel about being laughed at, criticized and ridiculed by society, police and the court system must feel unbearable. Mentally and emotionally abused men are routinely put down, criticized and ridiculed by their own wives and girlfriends, only to be victimized again by society and those in uniform whose job it is to serve and protect law-abiding citizens.

Even when abused men or husbands choose to leave the relationship and get a divorce, they must face the uphill battle in divorce court to not lose everything they have worked so hard to achieve in life; fight the devastating child custody and visitation battles; deal with false accusations and threats from their abusive spouse, and the dirty tricks shoddy divorce lawyers use to win court cases for their clients. Men, what is on your list of non-negotiable deal breakers for the protection of your health and well-being?

Physically Abused Men

Single and married men are also physically abused and battered by the women in their lives. There is no difference between the kind of abuse women suffer from abusive men and the abuse men suffer at the hands of angry, controlling and abusive women. Abuse is abuse is abuse. Mentally and emotionally abusive relationships often lead to physical abuse at some point, so if you are man or teenage boy in a relationship where nothing physical has occurred yet, don’t be too quick to assume physical abuse won’t happen. It’s important to understand the four types of abusive behaviors that abusers inflict on those they claim to love, because one often accompanies the others, eventually.

A physically abusive relationship often begins with a “one-time” slap, kick or punch during a fight or argument, followed by the promise that “it will never happen again”, but it happens again the next time the couple has a fight. Thus begins the cycle of abuse. The “honeymoon phase” of the cycle includes plenty of good times together for the couple, where everything is peachy-keen (or seems to be), until the pendulum swings the other way and the next argument erupts and is worse than the last one.

If she will hit you once, she WILL hit you again. And again.

Abused men or teen boys know they are being abused by their spouse or girlfriend, but feel shame and helpless about what to do. Boys are often raised by parents to “never hit a girl”, even when circumstances require him to defend themselves against a violent attack in some way. When a man tries to defend himself while he is being battered, beaten, kicked or even stabbed by his wife or girlfriend, the men I’ve heard from say they are the ones who are arrested and hauled off to jail on battery charges. What happened to the women who viciously attacked these men? Nothing. Not a darn thing.

Unmarried, single men or teenage boys in abusive relationships should absolutely leave the relationship, walk away and never look back. What should abused husbands do? Leave and get a divorce lawyer and file for divorce, just like that? How do men, who have been mentally, verbally, physically and/or emotionally abused by their heartless wives, win child custody battles in divorce court without stooping to dirty lawyer tactics? What about the children of these marriages and relationships?

These are just some of the questions abused men have asked, and I will do my best to answer these questions and more in coming articles. Having had personal experience with an abusive marriage relationship many years ago, I get it. I get why these abused men stay and why they haven’t packed up and left their abusers saying “Eat My Dust!”. Yet. These men are filled with fear, but they are making needed changes in their attitudes towards the abuse and their abusers, and I’m betting that this year will be their year to break free from the abuse.

Do you have any suggestions, advice or tips for abused men you would like to share? Are you a man who is or was in an abusive relationship with a story to tell? Share your comments and thoughts below.

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Abused men are men and teenage boys who are in physically, mentally and emotionally abusive relationships involving partners, girlfriends or wives. Men who are abused do not get the respect, understanding, encouragement or support from society as a whole and are often criticized and ridiculed unfairly, further victimizing men who are abused.

Victims of domestic violence are not just women, wives or girlfriends. Domestic violence occurs with men too, and it’s about time abused men and society in general wake up to the alarming statistics about women, girlfriends and wives who abuse men and stop turning a deaf ear to the abuse men are experiencing.

Boyfriend and husband abuse is a reality in society and men who are abused by women need help, encouragement and support just as much as abused women do. Domestic violence against men, and abusive relationships of all types, do not discriminate and abuse occurs in all ethnic, racial and socio-economic groups.

When you hear the words “domestic violence” and physical, mental and/or emotional abuse, do you tend to think about women or girls who has been slapped, hit, punched, kicked, bullied, ridiculed, degraded, criticized and humiliated by a man? Domestic violence against women by men who claim to love them has been a serious problem for a very long time, but what about the men? What about men who are abused by women? Why do abused men stay in abusive relationships if it’s so bad, you may wonder.

Some women, girlfriends and wives are physically, mentally and emotionally aggressive in relationships with their boyfriends, partners or husbands. Abused men rarely come forward to share their experiences as domestic abuse victims because of fear. Abused men stay in abusive relationships and marriages for much the same reasons abused woman stay, with fear being the primary reason.

Men who are abused are often afraid of being stigmatized by others with fear of being labeled a dependent, spineless doormat, passive-aggressive “wimp” or “whipped” man with low self-worth. Men who are abused are often too afraid to tell or admit to others that they are being mentally or emotionally abused, if not physically, and view telling as a loss of their manhood.

The statistics for abused men who are beaten or battered by the women who claim to love them say that men are abused more than women are abused, battered, beaten and bruised by men. Unfortunately, physically abused and battered men tend not to call the police or report the abuse they have suffered at the hands of girlfriends or wives, and even when these men do call the police to report the violence, they’re pleas for help are often ignored.

The myths about abused men are astounding. Teen boys and men who are abused need to identify and recognize the warning signs of abusive relationships and take action. Love Doesn’t Hurt. Teenage girls, women or wives who are physical, emotional or psychological abusers gradually chip away at a man’s feelings of self-worth and independence in the same way angry, controlling, abusive men act towards women.

Emotionally Abused Men

Male victims of emotional abuse may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or marriage, often ignoring the symptoms that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship that can so quickly become physically abusive. Emotional abuse includes verbal attacks such as yelling, blaming, ridiculing, name-calling, intimidation, controlling behaviors, isolation from family or friends, shaming, threats of physical violence and more. Abuse of any kind – physical, mental or emotional abuse is an absolute deal breaker in my book and should be for anyone who experiences domestic violence in some form or fashion.

The scars of having been emotionally abused are very real and run very, very deep. Emotional abuse often escalates to the point of physical abuse and battery. Even death. Abusers do not change. Let me repeat that: Abusers do not change, and if you are a man or teenage boy who feels he must “walk on eggshells” around his partner, girlfriend or wife in order to “keep the peace” and try to prevent her from having a conniption fit about everything or anything – you are very likely in an unhealthy, controlling, abusive relationship and need to get out now.

See Toxic Relationships-Toxic Family Members for help figuring out if your girlfriend or wife is toxic or not.

There are many signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, and they are much the same as those that apply to women who are abused by men. Physically or emotionally abused men must not be allow abusive women to control them any longer. Not for one more minute, not for one more hour, and definitely not for one more day of their lives.

Having heard from several men who felt they were pressured into marriage by emotionally abusive girlfriends, plus having written articles about women abused by men, I feel a responsibility and desire to address the issues involving abused men.

Just as I recommended to these men that they read the book, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence authored by Phillip W. Cook, I implore and strongly suggest that men who feel they are being physically, mentally or emotionally abused by a partner, girlfriend or wife to not only read the abused men book but also seek help now. Your very life may depend on it.

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Oprah’s warning to Rihanna has been all over the internet, and I really hope Rihanna is paying attention to what Oprah warns WILL happen if Rihanna isn’t very careful about her relationship with “alleged-abuser” Chris Brown. Oprah knows what she’s talking about, and abused women all over the world need to take heed to Oprah’s warning that Love Doesn’t Hurt! Rihanna, are you listening to Oprah?!

We’ve all heard the news reports of the “alleged attack” by Chris Brown on his girlfriend Rihanna, and we’ve seen the pictures online “allegedly” showing a beaten, bruised and battered Rihanna. It’s enough to make Oprah and all women outraged that Chris Brown raised his hand to Rihanna at all, but also that Brown not only bit Rihanna, but “allegedly” punched her in the face multiple times.

To Rihanna, teenage girls and women who are being abused by angry, controlling, abusive men listen up! Abusive men do NOT change! Do NOT become a statistic like so many other Rihanna’s in the world. The truth is, Rihanna is a celebrity who has been battered and beaten, and I’m thrilled that Oprah is doing a show next week dedicated to abused women and teen girls.

Abusive relationships affect teenage girls and women all over the world, and teenage abusive relationships are on the increase. Regardless of Rihanna’s celebrity status, Rihanna is no different than any other women who has been abused either physically, mentally or emotionally. Rihanna could be your sister, mother, cousin, niece or even your own daughter, and it’s about time abused teenage girls and women finally realize that abusive men will promise you “it will never happen again”, but don’t you believe it! Love Doesn’t Hurt! Oprah was right when she said, “If a man hits you once, he WILL hit you again“!

Oprah Warns Rihanna Video

I sure hope Rihanna will watch Oprah’s show, and that Rihanna will do some serious soul-searching about the abuse she suffered. I also hope Rihanna will take some time to herself, read everything she can get her hands on about abusive men and how statistics prove that if a man hits you once, he WILL hit you again! Are YOU in an abusive relationship? Do you know the signs of an abusive relationship and the steps you must take to protect yourself from your abuser?

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• Ladies: Why You Need to Know How to Hide Money From Your Husband

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you may be thinking I must have lost my mind to suggest that women should hide money from their husbands. Give me a few minutes to explain my reasoning on wives hiding money from their husbands, and I’m sure you’ll understand and agree with my reasons for doing this post.

For happy and healthy marriages, free of any kind of emotional, mental or physical abuse, I certainly do not advocate hiding money from your husband. But, based on the kind of web traffic this blog receives from women in abusive relationships and marriages, abused women want and need to know how to hide money from an abusive husband, and I am just the person to tell them exactly how to do it so they can get a divorce from these jerks.

Listed here are the various articles I’ve written that are getting a lot of attention from women doing keyword searches on topics relating to being in abusive relationships or marriage, and based on the feedback and emails I receive on a regular basis, I believe these women have a right to know how to hide money from abusive husbands.

I have now written, “How to Hide Money from an Abusive Husband”, and it is my sincere hope and wish that women suffering emotional, physical and mental abuse will take active steps to leave their abusive relationship, saving themselves as well as their children from further abuse.

Can abusive men be cured? No! So get out now while you still can, before he inflicts more bodily harm to you and/or your children! Children that are raised in abusive homes are more likely to grow up to become abusers themselves (or end up in abusive relationships themselves as adults), so protect yourself and your children from these behaviors before it is too late.

Your additional comments and suggestions on how abused women can hide money from their abusive husbands are welcome, and you can do so by leaving a comment below.

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If you have ever been the victim of angry, controlling and abusive men, you understand the depths of despair many women in society experience at the hands of men claiming to love them. Domestic violence against women occurs every day, with victims of violence often too afraid to report the abuse to the police, and is often kept secret from close family members and friends.

Getting inside the minds of men exhibiting controlling and abusive behavior is no easy task, and if current statistics are correct, there isn’t much hope in clinical studies nor positive data as to whether or not they can ever be cured. That is not good news for women that are married to an abuser or involved in abusive relationships, making it that much more important for women to become educated as to the early warning signs of abusive behaviors in order to protect themselves and their children.

(Photo By: Giina Caliente)

Abusive men are often very charismatic, living in virtual denial, quick to blame and manipulate others into thinking and believing they are Mr. Wonderful. These manipulative tendencies often create doubt in a woman’s mind over a period of time as to whether she herself is at fault for the abuse, where she then begins to try and make changes in herself in hopes it will end the domestic abuse in the home.

Anger Management Programs and Couples Counseling for abusers haven’t brought much change in these men, as abusive men have the unique and disturbing ability to manipulate and persuade even their counselors that they themselves are simply misunderstood and not at all to blame for the problems at home. One of the most prevalent features of an angry and controlling partner is how he frequently tells women how they should think and tries to get women to doubt their own perceptions and beliefs.

Each year in the United States, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners or husbands, and one out of three women will become a victim of violence by their husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. Children of abusive men, especially the boys, are more likely to grow up to become abusers themselves in their own relationships.

Intimate partner violence against women is steadily increasing, crossing all racial and ethnic boundaries, involving women and teenage girls by their husbands or boyfriends. Founded in 1977, Emerge is the first abuser education program established in the United States, counseling abusive men on an individual basis rather than in group settings, and is working hard to increase public awareness that domestic violence is a learned behavior not a disease, with the goal of helping men stop their abusive behaviors and become better men, husbands and fathers.

Identifying the early warning signs of abusive and controlling men, understanding the four types of abusive behaviors, and recognizing the characteristics of men who batter women can save women’s lives.

“Why Does He Do That?” is an essential resource for women of all ages, for victims of domestic violence, women’s shelters, therapists and counselors. Detailed explanations of the nine types of abusers; manipulative tactics abusive men use; early warnings signs of abusive relationships; dispelling common myths about men who abuse women; the effect such abuse has on children; and getting needed help for abused women.

The good news is that abuse is a learned behavior and can be solved. The bad news is that the abuser must commit to following every step of a quality program in order to solve the problem. Only a small percentage of those who join a quality program actually follow all the necessary steps towards change, and those men who deny having a problem at all have a prognosis of change amounting to ZERO. What if it were to happen to someone you loved? What if it were your sister, mother, niece that were being abused? Or, perhaps your own daughter? Would it still be “someone else’s problem?”

Further Reading:

People Pleasers and Doormats Care What People Think
Abused Men: Battered and Emotionally Abused Male Victims of Domestic Violence
Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members
How To Hide Money From An Abusive Husband
Identifying the Early Warning Signs of Abusive Men
International Women’s Day Say No to Violence Against Women
The Sociopath Next Door-The Ruthless Versus Us

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