Telling It Like It Ischild sexual abuse »

This is My Blog and I Will Blog Whatever I Want

Lin — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 12:00:40 +0000

Yes, this is MY blog and I will blog or write about whatever I want, thank you very much. I almost titled this post, “Telling It Like It Is is Not For the Faint of Heart”, which on some levels is very true.

Over the last several months there have been an increasing number of what I refer to as lurkers, spammers, trolls, haters, naysayers and perverts emailing me and attempting to leave pathetic comments on posts.

Some of the worst offenders are those arriving from those pesky “DoFollow blog lists”, where newbie bloggers show up like a bat out of hell, dive-bombing this site in hopes of getting a link back to their site by leaving a pathetic “great blog, keep it up” sort of comment. If you have a blog of your own, you are likely well aware of these pests.

Telling It Like It Is has a comment policy and privacy policy like all/most other blogs and websites have, including a “mark as spam” button and a “delete” button, which I use quite frequently. If “DoFollow” dive bombers wish to continue wasting their time targeting this site for a backlink, knock yourselves out…but if you ever decide to check back to see if your “comment” was approved…you’ll be sadly mistaken.

Running a close second behind the dive bombers are those who are none too happy that I continue to write about child sexual abuse, especially the articles that tell kids and victims to tell they are being sexually abused now or were sexually abused by someone in the past.

I have received emails and attempted comments from people who are not happy at all that the Protect Our Children Act was passed. Now, readers, you tell me…what kind of person would NOT want me or anyone else having the “audacity” to be telling kids to tell someone they are or were sexually abused? Think about that for a minute, then come to your own conclusions.

Blog Post Ideas – Being Audacious

Blog post ideas for Telling It Like It Is come from a large number of sources, which I will get to in a minute. I rarely if ever experience writer’s block (so far), and I write blog posts with audacity and I’m proud of it. My blog is not a “feel good blog”, nor is it a “beat around the bush” blog, and it is certainly not a “tiptoe through the tulips” kind of blog.

I work hard at being an audacious blogger, and the articles about sexual abuse, abusive relationships and the numerous helping vs. enabling posts are emotionally difficult for me to write. I write them anyway and will continue to do so. I am passionate about the topics I write on this blog, even though there are thousands of bloggers who write better than I do, with perfect spelling, grammar, sentence structure and phrasing on every single blog post published.

“If you’re not afraid to be rejected, you keep putting your hand up. If you’re not afraid to be ignored, you keep putting yourself out there. If you’re not afraid to be criticized, you do exactly what you want. If you’re not afraid to make contact with someone more successful than you, you’ll create your own opportunities.”

I am not afraid. I will not be deterred.

I am not a social networking know-it-all, but I put myself out there anyway, meeting and making connections with fellow writers and bloggers in an out of my own “niche”. I am not a “Pro Blogger” by any stretch of the imagination, nor do I feel the need or pressure to become one. I make mistakes while writing and creating blog posts (especially when trying a new and unfamiliar html-type code thingamagig), such as I did on the how to plan a wedding article, turning it into a complete fiasco until I was able to fix it. Oh well…, live and learn as I go.

Okay, blog post ideas…, where I get mine. Aside from the fact that I read a lot, be it books, magazines, news articles online or offline etc, there are a variety of places I go to get my blog post ideas to avoid writer’s block. Here is a short list of those places, in no particular order.

Woopra – If you have a blog or are considering starting a blog, you MUST get Woopra. Woopra, by far, is the most comprehensive, information rich, easy to use, real-time, LIVE Web tracking and analysis application I have ever seen. Woopra provides so much unique information about visitors to your blog/website and how they arrive at your site, it will blow your mind. And it’s free! Woopra’s ability to track keywords/search terms (amongst other things) people have used to arrive at my blog or specific blog posts has already provided me MANY ideas for blog posts, and it’s only getting better by the day.

Google Alerts – Google Alerts are email updates received in your inbox of the latest relevant Google results (web, news, blogs, video, etc.) based on your interests or topics. Email updates from Google alerts can be received “as it happens”, “once a day” or “once a week”, whichever you prefer. I currently have two blogs and am in process of building a third, and receiving email alert messages based on my keywords of choice has brought about more blog post ideas than I could ever have imagined.

StumbleUpon – Wikipedia describes StumbleUpon as an “internet community that allows its users to discover and rate Web pages, photos, and videos”. Basically, StumbleUpon users choose to rate (or not rate) a web page, blog post, pictures or video by way of the “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” feature from the StumbleUpon toolbar, which can result in massive amounts of web traffic from online friends or peers. StumbleUpon is sort of like word-of-mouth advertising from referrals. Online friends and peers have sent me links to articles with messages suggesting I do a blog post on that subject, but in my own “Tell It Like It Is” writing style. One such post was the Miley Cyrus Going Topless “rant” that caught the attention of the New York Times and LA Times, because I was being audacious and bold!

Twitter, Facebook, Google Adwords Keyword Tool, Google Trends and Blogs I’m subscribed to by RSS Feed or email have also brought numerous blog post ideas already found on this site, and still more to come. With the numerous categories and topics I can cover within my blog niche, I would be hard-pressed to run out of things to write about and I have no intention of ever doing so. That’s how I roll.

If you enjoyed this article, you can subscribe to Telling It Like It Is FREE updates by email or RSS Feed, comment or ask questions on posts of interest to you.

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Violence Unsilenced – True Life Personal Survivor Stories of Abuse, Domestic Violence, Rape

Lin — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 22:32:29 +0000

If you or someone you know is being abused or has been a victim of abuse, domestic violence, rape or molestation, it’s vital that you do something right now. Tell someone.

The culture of silence, fear and shame for survivors of abuse must end. Children who have been sexually abused don’t tell because they’re afraid, and that fear of telling is what the abuser is counting on to keep you silent for the rest of your life. If you don’t speak up and tell someone you are being abused now, or were physically or sexually assaulted at some point in the past, your abuser maintains control over you and your life.

You may have been threatened with further violence if you dare tell anyone that you were sexually assaulted, raped or beaten. You may feel you are all alone with the secret you have been keeping, or that no one would understand or believe you.

You are not alone. Abuse survivors and advocates do understand, will believe you and can provide needed encouragement and support to help you find your voice and end the cycle of abuse. How do I know? Because I’ve been there myself. I was afraid to tell anyone I was sexually abused as a child, fearing no one would believe me or do anything about it, but I found my voice and told my story anyway.

Years later I got married and became a victim of domestic violence by the man who vowed to love and cherish me “till death do us part”, but I found the courage and strength to leave and got a divorce. I took my power back, and because of that I don’t see myself as a victim. No, I am a survivor.

How do you develop the courage and strength to tell your personal story of rape, sexual assault or domestic violence, so you can take your power back and begin the healing process? By reading real life personal survivor stories of those who have been victimized themselves, and realizing that if they can do it, so can you. If I can do it, so can you. If other abuse survivors can do it, so can you.

You must tell someone.

Where do you find these personal stories to help you find the courage to tell? Violence Unsilenced shares real life personal accounts of survivors who tell their experiences of domestic violence and sexual assault to real people who listen, regardless of age, race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation or gender.

Story tellers receive encouragement and support in the comments section from others who understand and have empathy for the abuse survivor. You can also submit your own personal story to Violence Unsilenced if or when you are ready. You don’t have to use your “real name” if you don’t want to, and you can tell your story anonymously if that is your preference.

Reading books on sexual abuse also helps victims of all ages find the courage to tell someone they were sexually abused and begin the healing process. Those same books also help family members, parents and spouses better understand how sexual abuse affects victims survivors.

Just tell someone. Tell someone you can trust. Tell someone who will listen, but do tell your story. Tell Violence Unsilenced.

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Should You Tell You Were Sexually Abused? What Happens When You Tell?

Lin — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 10:00:21 +0000

“I was sexually abused, should I tell?”; “Should I tell my mother I was sexually abused?”; “Should you tell your spouse you were sexually abused?”; “What should you do if you were sexually abused and you can’t your mom?”; “How do I know if I’ve been sexually abused?”; “What happens if you tell you were sexually abused?”

These are some of the questions I’ve received from child sexual abuse victims over the last few weeks, from sexually abused children as young as 10 to older victims in their teens, and others that are married and have children of their own. They all wanted to know what they should do, who they can or should tell, if they should tell anyone about being sexually abused, and how to tell a parent they were sexually abused.

Yes, if someone is sexually abusing you or has sexually abused you in the past, you should tell a trustworthy adult about the abuse and as soon as possible. Why should you tell? Because keeping the abuse a secret is what your abuser wants, and you need help from adults to stop the abuse and stop the abuser from molesting or raping anyone else.

Sexual abuse statistics show that child molesters don’t molest just one person and then suddenly stop. No, pedophiles and child molesters continue to sexually abuse victims until they are caught and arrested, and the authorities are able to bring charges against your abuser so he or she can no longer harm anyone else.

As I’ve said before, most sexually abused children don’t tell because they are afraid to tell, were threatened by their abuser or because victims feel guilty, embarrassed and ashamed. It’s important for sexually abused children, teens and even adult victims to know and understand that what has happened to you is not your fault, and the person who has sexually abused you must be stopped from repeating the abuse against you or anyone else.

Unfortunately, some parents don’t react to being told their child has been sexually abused in the right way, which only creates more problems and stress for the victim. Some mothers and fathers choose not to believe their own child’s disclosure of being sexually abused. Some parents have been known to blame the victim for the abuse, going so far as to claim their child “seduced” their abuser, and/or do nothing to stop the continued abuse of their own child.

If you are being sexually abused or have been abused in the past, ask yourself who you know that will help you. Choose an adult you trust that will help you and then tell that person what has happened to you. That person may be your mother or father, a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, the school counselor, teacher, school nurse or even a police officer.

What happens when you tell? The adult you tell is required by law to tell the police or a social worker, because children of all ages have a right to be protected from sexual abuse, and the person who has abused you needs to be stopped. The social worker or police officer will need to ask you some questions about what happened to you, and if you were sexually abused in your own home, the authorities will want to talk to you somewhere else.

Read this excellent, printable, 13-page sexual abuse packet that victims of all ages and parents need to read, save to your computer and/or print off to read. The packet explains who to tell, how to tell, and what will happen when you tell in easy-to-read and easy-to-understand language even kids can understand. Kids, just click on these words —> Sexual Abuse Information Packet so you can read more on how to tell someone you were sexually abused and get the help you need.

Most children who have told about being sexually abused say it’s worth it because “telling freed them of the guilty secret”, and adults who are getting counseling after being sexually abused when they were children say “I only wish I could have told someone when I was a child.”

Should you tell a spouse you were sexually abused? Yes, you should. When you chose your husband or wife, you married him or her with life experiences that shapes who you are today, and the effects of having been sexually abused can take a long time to recover from, if ever.

Trusting your spouse to be there for you through “better or worse” includes those times when sharing painful memories of past experiences and abuse not only brings you closer together, but helps take away some of the negative self-esteem feelings many victims hold onto for many years and a loving, supportive spouse can make all the difference in the world.

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Family Watch Dog: Find Sex Offenders in Your Area at Family Watch Dog

Lin — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 04:14:35 +0000

Family Watch Dog: Find sex offenders in your area free! Are sex offenders living in your area? Did you know you can find sex offenders in your area, neighborhood and state in the U.S. for free? Yes you can, and you need to know where sex offenders, pedophiles and sexual predators live within your local area to help keep your children safe from becoming victims of molestation and/or rape, starting at Family Watch Dog.

FamilyWatchDog.us (NOT FamilyWatchDog.com or Family WatchDog.org) is a free online sex offender registry that tracks sex offenders and where they live, updated on a daily basis, including a Family Watchdog map showing where sex offenders are currently living.

Family Watch Dog provides sex offender information, offender updates, statistics, FDA information, product recalls and much more. How many sex offenders live in your area and surrounding neighborhoods right now?

Knowing how to find registered sex offenders living near you, your children and family, can do much to protect children from becoming a victim of strangers seeking to molest and harm children.

Family Watchdog is the most visited online sex offender resource on the Internet, averaging 5 million visitors every month, with visitors looking to find sex offenders living nearby their homes and businesses.

Protecting children from child molesters, understanding the signs and symptoms of child sexual abuse, goes beyond the mistaken assumption that pedophiles and child molesters are most often strangers (“Stranger Danger”), people you and/or your children don’t know and have never met.

Learn the facts about child molestation in order to know and understand the harsh reality that sex offenders and pedophiles are living much closer than you might think possible. Keeping watch over your children by regularly searching the www.FamilyWatchdog.us database is an absolute must for all parents and families, but don’t stop there.

Sex offenders, child molesters, sexual predators and pedophiles come from all walks of life and unfortunately…, many sex offenders haven’t been caught and put in jail yet because their victims don’t tell on their abusers because they are too afraid to tell or have been threatened in some way.

The effects of child molestation and/or rape are enormous for victims, survivors and families. Adult survivors of child sex abuse, molestation or rape often continue to feel those effects throughout their lives in their relationships, marriage and families, while desperately working towards finding some sense of healing from the past.

Find sex offenders in your area at FamilyWatchDog.us, but don’t assume complete strangers are the ones you should be most concerned about.

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Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talking to Your Children About Sexual Abuse

Lin — Mon, 12 May 2008 19:15:51 +0000

“Not talking about sexual abuse for twenty years”. “I was sexually abused as a child but didn’t tell anyone”. “Sexually abused by my father”. “Personal stories of sexual abuse”. “Sexual abuse survivor stories”. “Adult survivors of child sexual abuse”. “Signs of sexual abuse in children”. These are just some of the terms people have used to search for information about child sexual abuse, and have been brought to this site for help and answers.

Being an adult survivor of sexual abuse, having been a victim as a young child, I understand why kids don’t tell and why sexual abuse is most often not disclosed until well into adulthood. There are many reasons why children don’t tell anyone that they were sexually abused. The most common reason why kids don’t tell is due to FEAR.

Why Don’t Kids Tell?

Children are afraid no one will believe them, because that is what many abusers brainwash and groom their victims to believe. Children may be threatened by the offender, or the child molester tells the victim that the parents or family members will be physically harmed or killed if the child tells anyone about the abuse. Threatening the lives of parents and family members was how my son’s abuser (a church minister and close friend of the family) kept him from disclosing abuse until many years later.

My son was sexually abused in the church we attended at that time. How many churchgoing families trust that their children will be safe while attending Sunday School classes, where children are often in another area of the church, while parents are in the main auditorium or seated in another classroom? If you were being sexually abused and were told your parents would be murdered right in front of you, would you tell?

Children also don’t tell because they feel guilty, embarrassed and ashamed, having been “groomed” by the offender over a period of time to believe they are just as guilty as the offender. Pedophiles use a variety of “grooming methods” to befriend and get close to families with children in order to molest a child. Children may feel guilty if they get an abuser “in trouble”, or are afraid they themselves will “get in trouble” for telling.

Fear of getting in trouble was the basis of my personal story of sexual abuse, and I kept the abuse secret until I became a full-grown adult, thus becoming a part of the statistics of nondisclosure. Children often feel they are somehow responsible for their abuse, and are often told by the abusers that they will be taken away from their home and family and will never see them again.

The victim of child sexual abuse is almost always told not to tell, and children tend to believe what adults say. If you thought no one would believe you if you told, and you knew that your offender would be extremely angry at you and threatened harsh punishment, would you have the courage to tell? What if your offender told you that you would go to jail because you were just as guilty as he or she is? The child who tells is incredibly brave and very rare. Most sexually abused children do not tell anyone they were abused, even when directly asked by parents or other authority figures.

Talking to Your Children About Sexual Abuse:

Educate your child about their own body and about their “private parts” (body parts that are covered up with a modest bathing suit).

Use the correct terminology (penis, scrotum, testicles, vagina, breasts, labia.) when talking about these parts of their body.

Talk about the difference between “good touch vs. bad touch” with words and phrases your child can understand, including the term “sexual abuse”. If children are not taught about “sexual abuse”, how will they know how to tell you they were sexually abused?!

Teach your children to say “NO!” very loudly to anyone who wants or tries to touch their private parts in a way that makes the child feel confused or uncomfortable, or if asked to touch an offender in an inappropriate manner.

If your child does not want to hug or kiss grandma or grandpa, don’t force them to hug or kiss people they don’t want to. It’s sending the wrong message to children, and teaches kids to ignore their confusing or uncomfortable feelings to the point where they do it anyway.

Teach your children to tell you or an adult they trust if anybody touches their private parts or if they are touched in any way that makes them uncomfortable. (However, most children will not tell anyway). Don’t leave your child where you wouldn’t leave a bag with a million dollars in cash.

What To Do If Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused

Remember, the person who abuses a child is to blame for the abuse, not the child! The prognosis for healing after being molested is better for children who are supported and believed when they do disclose.

If your child tells you or even hints that he or she has been touched inappropriately, stay calm. Your reaction may make your child feel more guilty or afraid, and they might have a harder time talking about it.

Some things you can say that will help your child: I believe you. I know it’s not your fault. I will take care of you. You did nothing wrong. Tell your child that you are glad they told you about it.

Tell your child that you will take care of things, and that you will need to talk to someone to figure out what to do next. The biggest mistake a parent can make is not reporting sexual abuse to the authorities.

Don’t allow any further contact between your child and the alleged offender. Don’t confront the offender yourself.

Call your local child abuse hotline or local police department and report the abuse. Failing to report the abuse may mean that other children might get abused, too. Don’t try to handle the situation yourself.

The child has the opportunity to get justice. It gives them satisfaction. Prosecution helps make sure that the abuser cannot strike again.

Seek support and comfort for yourself where the child can’t see or hear what you say. In order to avoid confusion, anxiety or guilt, children should not overhear conversations about their disclosure. Too much information or discussion can also interfere with the police investigation or prosecution.

Further Reading:

Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse
Identifying Characteristics and Behaviors of Child Molesters
Child Sexual Abuse: Facts vs. Myths
Launching the Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series
Sexual Abuse Books-Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse-Healing Sexual Abuse

Were you a victim of sexual abuse, and have not yet disclosed that the abuse occurred? You are not alone. If you would like to share your personal story of abuse, you may do so by leaving a comment below. Finding the courage to speak out, telling perhaps for the very first time, is the first step towards healing the wounds. Even if you personally have not been sexually abused, but wish to convey your support and encouragement to victims and family members, please do leave a comment below.

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Smilie Saturday: Linky Love Weekend Roundup

Lin — Sat, 03 May 2008 15:45:38 +0000

It’s been an extremely busy week around here and I haven’t had much time to prepare new articles, so I wanted to point you towards some articles I’ve read that I believe you’ll find very interesting. I’ve been dealing with an odd little bump that suddenly appeared on my hand two weeks ago, and have been told by the doctor that it’s due to “overuse”, but he wouldn’t give me a doctor’s note that said I had to quit my job on “doctor’s orders”. Darn.

One little side note. I’ve contacted a well-known expert in the area of child sexual abuse, and have suggested to him that he consider doing a Blog Tour to bring greater awareness to the prevalence of sexual abuse on children, the misunderstood subject of “mother blame” and things parents need to know to help protect their children. I’m happy to report that he is very interested, so stay tuned for more on that, as some people may have the idea that what I write regarding child sexual abuse is simply my personal opinion. Nope.

Weekend Roundup:

Be Wise With Your Economic Stimulus Tax Rebate What will you be doing with your tax rebate? We’re just putting ours in the savings account rather than spending it.

What Moms Really Think is a 5-part series that I really enjoyed reading. Be sure to check out each part of the series, as the ladies who participated are awesome!

14 Timeless Ways to Live a Happy Life gives some wonderful reminders for everyone about living a happy and fulfilled life, whether you are a parent or not.

12 Reasons to Turn Off the Television gives excellent advice on many ways our lives will be improved by switching off that little black box.

When Normal Child Sexual Development Becomes Abnormal is something everyone must read, and be sure to check out the links provided there.

Oh Well, Then, Allow Me to Retort is an explosive response to another blogger’s slam on stay-at-home dads. You can click on the links Joe provides in his article to read the “anonymous” dad post on Penelope Trunk’s blog, as I’m not going to give that shameful post any linky love.

Writing Better Blog Post Titles is a Must Read for all bloggers and writers, as this is an area so many bloggers get wrong. Your post titles are one of the most important things to consider in order to pull subscribed readers into your articles, or to increase search engine traffic. Do not miss Lorelle’s article on how to write better titles for your posts.

Thanks to all you for your exceptional blog posts, I really enjoyed all of them.

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Child Sexual Abuse: Blaming Mothers of Sexually Abused Children

Lin — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 11:00:28 +0000

When I first began the series of articles dealing with child sexual abuse, I promised to write about mother blame. I haven’t written about the legal system and society’s role in blaming mothers, when her child has been sexually abused, because the subject of mother blame infuriates me beyond belief. [Update below]

Dealing with the subject of sexually abused children is a difficult one to say the least; just ask a parent of an abuse victim and you will discover the torrent of emotions involved. Better yet, ask ME! Utter shock, disbelief, ferocious RAGE, devastation, gut-wrenching pain racing through your mind and heart, and every other emotion you can think of. (Note: There is a difference between disbelief and not believing!)

Mother Blame

Blaming the mother instead of placing the blame solely on the offender has a long history in our society and does not serve the best interest and protection of abused children. Women are primarily seen as the protectors and nurturers of children, so when it is learned that a child has been sexually abused, many people immediately blame the mother for “allowing the abuse to occur” or, “not paying close enough attention” to her children, without actually knowing the details of the case. “Where was the mother?!” is often the first question people think of when hearing of children being abused.

Mothers of sexually abused children often feel that no matter what they do it is considered wrong by the legal system and society in general. Damned if they do and damned if they don’t. If they react to their child’s disclosure of sexual abuse with anger and take steps to insure the safety and protection of their child, they may be called mean, hysterical or insane in court proceedings. Mothers who work to suppress their unmitigated rage, calmly carrying out the duties needed to protect their children, say they are accused of falsely accusing their child’s perpetrator.

A common tactic for defense attorneys in sexual abuse cases is to discredit and blame those who act to defend and protect the sexually abused child. It is much more successful to discredit and destroy the child’s defenders, especially the mother, by claiming the mother is insane or neglectful of her responsibility to protect her child.

Defense attorneys say that “if it had really happened, she would be enraged!” Yet, if the mother expresses that rage, she’s accused of being a nut case in court. Add to that the mothers who have believed and acted on their child’s disclosure of sexual abuse report that they have been disbelieved by those who evaluated the allegations including Child Protective Services (CPS).

It is one of the sad realities of our society, blaming mothers when a child is sexually abused. Mothers are placed in an impossible, no-win situation. No matter what she does, it seems wrong. Societal norms and expectations about the responsibility mothers bear for what happens inside their homes, and to their children outside the home, greatly influences society’s views towards mothers of sexually abused children.

The degree to which our cultural values may lead society to blame non-offending mothers “is exemplified” by the findings of Dietz and Craft (1980), who reported that most social workers believed that mothers are as responsible for the sexual abuse as the offender, despite the fact that 78 percent of the mothers in their study were being physically abused by the same offender who abused the child” (Massat & Lundy, 1998).

Mothers of Sexually Abused Children Need Support

Emerging research indicates that mothers of sexually abused children need emotional support, as they are often in a state of complete shock because of learning their child has been sexually abused. (Working With Mothers of Sexually Abused Children.pdf) As soon as mothers or parents make it known what has happened to their child, the relationship between these mothers and the rest of the world changes. (Corcoran, 1998)

To think or assume that mothers somehow “just know” that their child is being abused, or has already been abused, is ludicrous! Since sexual abuse often occurs within the home by a family member, does that mean mothers should not take showers, use the bathroom, SLEEP!, just to be on the “safe side”? If sexual abuse occurs during the time a pregnant mother spends five minutes on the phone to schedule a doctor’s appointment, should mothers stop using the phone too?!

How about this: Why don’t mothers just make sure all of her children are sleeping right next to her at night until their 18th Birthday, just to make sure abuse doesn’t happen while she’s sleeping?! (Included sarcasm intended)

UPDATE: When I originally wrote this article, I neglected to mention that some mothers DO molest children. That is appalling to me on every level. For those of you who have been molested or raped by your mother or grandmother, my heart goes out to you. Healing from sexual abuse IS possible for victims of child sexual abuse, whether the abuse was done by a mother or father/grandfather/uncle etc. There are many books on sexual abuse for survivors to find healing from the past, so that your present and future doesn’t have to marred and forever damaged by having been abused.

Further Reading:

Child Sexual Abuse – Facts vs. Myths
Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talking to Your Children about Sexual Abuse
Launching Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series
Sexual Abuse Books-Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse-Healing Sexual Abuse
Child Molestation Prevention:Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse

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Sexual Predator Masquerading as Parent Blogger

Lin — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 10:00:13 +0000

It has come to my attention that there is a sexual predator masquerading as a parent blogger in our midst, and is even an active participant on Entrecard in the Family/Parenting category. I’m furious! To think that I had unwittingly given this pervert advertising opportunities on my Entrecard widget in the past has me feeling enraged and sick to my stomach. It won’t happen ever again!

Having been a victim of sexual abuse myself as a child, and currently writing a series of articles on the subject, I am furious that this sorry sack of flesh would have the nerve to seek advertising on my blog and many others.

I have a message for you, Mr. Pervert! Stop requesting advert space on my blog, you will be denied! I know who you are and I know what blogs you own, so go crawl back into your snake hole and stay put! You are not welcome here! Having said that, it is important to note that not all male family bloggers are sex offenders, so I will continue to use Entrecard and enjoy discovering quality blogs and share advert space on my widget.

For legal reasons, and to respect the rights to privacy for the victim, please do not ask me who it is. I cannot tell you, although I would LOVE to, so you could deny his advert requests too! I can only hope that the officials of Entrecardhave been made aware, and it is my sincere hope that this maniac will be banned very soon, and have his cough, choke, spit…family blogs deleted from the Blogosphere.

The subject of sexually abused children is one that I take very seriously, and I’m working hard to bring you more informative articles to help you parents protect your children. Since I began the sexual abuse series, I have been inundated with emails from victims telling me their personal stories, especially since I know all too well what they went through. If you have been a victim of sexual abuse and want to talk to me, please use the Contact link at the top of my blog, and I will reply promptly.

I have heard from several mothers whose child was sexually abused while in school, daycare, church, by a relative or close family friend, and have asked me to write about the problems associated with “mother blame”. What is the first thing that crosses your mind when you hear about a child being sexually abused? Like many people, the question “Where was the mother?” is often the first thing that crosses people’s minds. Mothers are being vilified and ridiculed in society as being neglectful parents of these children, and it’s got to stop.

For the sake of child safety, it is imperative that parents learn the identifying characteristics of a pedophile, because these perverts are constantly using a variety of “grooming methods” to get close to children.

Further Reading:

The Profile of A Pedophile

Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse

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Child Sexual Abuse – Facts VS. Myths

Lin — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 07:00:39 +0000

When I first announced that I was launching a series of articles about child safety and child sexual abuse issues, I wasn’t quite prepared for the number of emails I received from people wanting to not only express their appreciation that I’m doing this series, but several of them wanted to tell me their personal story of being a victim of sexual abuse, but didn’t feel comfortable leaving a public comment on the post. You may be wondering why I’m even doing this series, since the subject of sexually abused children tends to send chills down the spine of most parents, including mine.

I’ll tell you why I’m doing these posts. I was a victim of sexual abuse when I was a young child, and when I became an adult I did a tremendous amount of research on the subject in order to learn the facts about children being sexually abused, so I could do everything possible to protect my own children from ever becoming a victim.

But, it didn’t work. Despite knowing the statistics and all the known signs and symptoms of child sexual abuse; understanding the “grooming” methods child molesters often use on intended victims; teaching and reminding my children about “good touch, bad touch” on a regular basis; having excellent communication with my children; one of my sons was sexually abused at a young age by a highly respected church minister and close family friend, inside the church we attended at that time.

If you think it is only necessary to watch out for “strangers” who might want to hurt your child, you would be mistaken. You know, “stranger danger” and all that jazz. That is a myth, so forget that idea. Having been abused myself, and being the mother of a child who was sexually abused, I have a lot to say to people who are either uninformed, misinformed, or completely and utterly clueless.

4 Common Myths about Child Sexual Abuse:

Myth #1: You believe that since you live in a nice, safe neighborhood, where you know all your neighbors on a first name basis, and your children play with their children, hanging out at each other’s houses etc, that all is well on the home front.

Fact: Child sexual abuse can happen anywhere, in any neighborhood, in every religion or church group, covering all racial boundaries or ethnic groups, and it certainly doesn’t matter how rich or poor you are. You can live in a beautiful, gated-community of homes worth millions of dollars, and your child is still not protected from being molested or abused.

According to the U.S. Department of Justice national statistics, 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will become victims of sexual abuse by the time they reach their 18th birthday. Not only that, but statistics show that children in elementary school are the most vulnerable and likely targets, and children with disabilities have even higher risk factors. That’s not good news for parents with little children, making it vitally important for parents to become educated about the prevalence of child sexual abuse in society today, without becoming completely paranoid about it.

Myth #2: You have already talked with your children about not allowing anyone to touch their private parts, perhaps even calling those body parts by their proper name, and you believe that’s pretty much all there is to do. You may even have said to your children something like, “No matter what, you can always tell me anything that is on your mind, and I will believe you”.

Fact: Sexual abuse occurs by forcing or manipulating a child in a way that allows the sexual offender to touch the child’s private parts (which may or may not include penetration), or takes photo’s of children without any clothes on, or when an offender exposes themselves to a child, etc. Children need to be taught about sexual abuse, and they need to learn and know the words “sexual abuse”. Listen, you can tell your children over and over about “good touch vs. bad touch” and proper names of body parts, but if your child doesn’t know the correct terminology, how are they going to know how to tell you they were “sexually abused”?!

Myth #3: Most sexual abuse cases are committed by people who are complete strangers to you or your child.

Fact: Closely monitoring the online database for sex offenders who may have moved into your neighborhood simply isn’t enough. 85-90% of child sexual abuse cases are committed by trusted family members and close friends. That includes fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, cousins, babysitters, daycare workers, boyfriends of single mom’s, fellow church members and clergy, and so on.

If I have to write a thousand more posts about sexually abused children, to make it crystal clear who the most likely offenders are, I will write them gladly if it will help just one more parent develop greater awareness to this issue.

Myth #4: You believe that your child would automatically tell you that he or she had been sexually abused. You may say to yourself, “My child and I have such great communication, that I KNOW my child would come and tell me immediately”.

Fact: Most sexually abused children do not tell anyone they were abused, even when directly asked by parents or other authority figures. Victims of sexual abuse are often too afraid that the news will hurt their parents, or they are afraid of not being believed, or they were threatened in some way by the offender.

While some schools offer programs that provide useful information and resources, for children and parents alike, the responsibility of educating children about sexual abuse belongs to the parents. And by the way, sexual abuse does occur in schools too!

Were you a victim of child sexual abuse at some point in your life? Are you a parent of a child who was sexually abused, perhaps now dealing with the agony of not knowing it was happening? Even if you personally have never been abused in this way, I can promise you that someone you know has been victimized sexually, but they just haven’t told you their personal story.

Further Reading-

Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse
The Profile of A Pedophile: Identifying Characteristics and Behaviors of Child Molesters
Launching the Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series
Why Kids Don’t Tell? Talking to Your Children about Sexual Abuse
Sexual Abuse Books-Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse-Healing Sexual Abuse

(Photo by: Beppie K)

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Launching Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series

Lin — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 11:00:42 +0000

Of all the articles I have written on this blog about parenting children and teens, getting adult children to be financially responsible for themselves and dealing with abusive and controlling relationships, nothing upsets me more than the subject of child safety and child sexual abuse in our society.

The subject of child safety involves so much more than parents might think, whether it be ensuring children are kept safely secured in car seats or not leaving children in hot cars, keeping potentially poisonous household cleaning products out of children’s reach, to protecting children from child molesters, identifying the signs of child sexual abuse and dealing with the long-term effects of being a victim of child abuse.

April 3, 2008 is Blog Against Sexual Violence Day, and on that day I will begin a series of articles pertaining to child safety issues and bringing greater awareness to the alarming statistics of sexual abuse involving children, and I am inviting you to tell me what child safety topics you would like me to include in the series.

Parents cannot afford to bury their heads in the sand and turn away from the rather dark and depressing subject of learning everything possible about protecting children from becoming a victim of sexual abuse, only to learn the devastating news that their child had been molested or raped perhaps several years prior, and dealing with the agony of not knowing it was occurring.

Identifying Child Sexual Abuse

I recently read an article on a blog that said “sexual abuse is EASY to identify. Everyone, including the victim, knows what’s happening”. It terrifies me to think that anyone could possibly imagine that recognizing and identifying the signs of child sexual abuse is so easy to accomplish, and that “everyone“, including parents would somehow “just know” it was happening to their child.

Even if your relationship with your child is extremely close, with the best communication and open discussion on all topics, you still may not know he or she had at some time been molested or is being abused right now, but the child is too afraid to say anything. Yes, even to you, dear mom and dad.

Many parents are very diligent in searching the online database for pedophiles that have moved into their local area or neighborhood, and are extremely careful to try and prevent their children from becoming the next victim, but the fact remains that searching online for where child molesters are living just isn’t enough, because the person or persons most likely to harm your child are much closer in proximity than you think.

It is not possible to include in just one post everything pertaining to things parents need to know in order to protect children and teens from child molesters, or the astronomical statistics of child sexual abuse, or the well-known fact that the majority of perpetrators are people within the family, close and trusted friends as opposed to complete strangers.

Dispelling Child Safety and Sexual Abuse Myths

There are so many myths and unknowns about child abuse of a sexual nature, that there are scientific and clinical studies currently being done in order to determine whether there is any possible connection between child sexual abuse and the increasing numbers of teen promiscuity and teen pregnancy.

Did you know that the majority of child sexual abuse victims do NOT tell anyone, even when directly asked by a parent or other authority figures? There are many reasons why that is the case, and I will include those reasons in the upcoming series.

Did you know that if your child tends to be rather quiet, shy and reserved, child molesters view them as a prime target because this type child is more easily manipulated into silence when being abused? Children that are more outspoken and assertive in their personalities are less likely to be chosen by pedophiles because of the higher possibility of the abuse being discovered. Just like rapists will seek out someone who appears to be timid and reserved, easier to manipulate and control, as opposed to those who walk with their head held high and are more assertive and outspoken in their personalities.

Who Do You Trust With Your Child?

Can you really trust anyone, including family members and trusted friends, to be alone with your child or take care of them in some way? There was a recent story on the news about a child who was sexually abused, and the perpetrator of this horrific violence was her own grandfather!

Another recent news story discussed how a child was sexually abused by a magician who was invited to entertain at the school he formerly attended, walked out of the school with a young student, molested the girl and returned her back to the school shortly thereafter.

When it comes to profiling a child molester, there is no profile. It can be anyone. Members of your family. Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, moms and dads, and complete strangers. Daycare workers, Sunday School teachers, babysitters, boyfriends of adult single mothers, and the list goes on.

Just think about the numerous news reports in recent years about church officials and ministers of various denominations accused, found guilty and sentenced to prison for sexually abusing children in their church, and many of these children never told anyone about the abuse until well into adulthood due to outright fear.

Anyone who thinks that the parents of these children and young adults simply weren’t paying close enough attention to the signs of child sexual abuse in their own children is sorely uninformed and needs to learn the facts, so they themselves don’t look back one day with regret and wish they knew the reality of this growing problem in society before it happens to their own child.

The fact is that child sexual abuse can happen to anyone’s child and at any time, and it’s unfortunate that parents must learn to recognize the signs that suggest their child may have already been sexually abused, and then must begin dealing with the often devastating emotional aftermath, getting the needed help and counseling for their child, and possibly even appearing in a court trial to face their perpetrator.

I am very interested in knowing what topics related to child safety that you would like to see included in the upcoming series, and I ask that you leave a comment letting me know your suggestions. I have no date in mind where the series will end, so these articles will likely go on for some time, mixed in with other informative articles you are sure to enjoy and learn from. Please leave your suggestions in the comments below.

Further Reading:

Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse
The Profile of A Pedophile: Identifying Characteristics and Behaviors of Child Molesters
Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talk to Your Children about Sexual Abuse
Child Sexual Abuse-Facts vs. Myths
Sexual Abuse Books-Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse-Healing Sexual Abuse

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