Child Sexual Abuse: Blaming Mothers of Sexually Abused Children

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Sexually Abused ChildWhen I first began the series of articles dealing with child sexual abuse, I promised to write about mother blame. I haven’t written about the legal system and society’s role in blaming mothers, when her child has been sexually abused, because the subject of mother blame infuriates me beyond belief. [Update below]

Dealing with the subject of sexually abused children is a difficult one to say the least; just ask a parent of an abuse victim and you will discover the torrent of emotions involved. Better yet, ask ME! Utter shock, disbelief, ferocious RAGE, devastation, gut-wrenching pain racing through your mind and heart, and every other emotion you can think of. (Note: There is a difference between disbelief and not believing!)

Mother Blame

Blaming the mother instead of placing the blame solely on the offender has a long history in our society and does not serve the best interest and protection of abused children. Women are primarily seen as the protectors and nurturers of children, so when it is learned that a child has been sexually abused, many people immediately blame the mother for “allowing the abuse to occur” or, “not paying close enough attention” to her children, without actually knowing the details of the case. “Where was the mother?!” is often the first question people think of when hearing of children being abused.

Abused ChildrenMothers of sexually abused children often feel that no matter what they do it is considered wrong by the legal system and society in general. Damned if they do and damned if they don’t. If they react to their child’s disclosure of sexual abuse with anger and take steps to insure the safety and protection of their child, they may be called mean, hysterical or insane in court proceedings. Mothers who work to suppress their unmitigated rage, calmly carrying out the duties needed to protect their children, say they are accused of falsely accusing their child’s perpetrator.

A common tactic for defense attorneys in sexual abuse cases is to discredit and blame those who act to defend and protect the sexually abused child. It is much more successful to discredit and destroy the child’s defenders, especially the mother, by claiming the mother is insane or neglectful of her responsibility to protect her child.

Defense attorneys say that “if it had really happened, she would be enraged!” Yet, if the mother expresses that rage, she’s accused of being a nut case in court. Add to that the mothers who have believed and acted on their child’s disclosure of sexual abuse report that they have been disbelieved by those who evaluated the allegations including Child Protective Services (CPS).

It is one of the sad realities of our society, blaming mothers when a child is sexually abused. Mothers are placed in an impossible, no-win situation. No matter what she does, it seems wrong. Societal norms and expectations about the responsibility mothers bear for what happens inside their homes, and to their children outside the home, greatly influences society’s views towards mothers of sexually abused children.

The degree to which our cultural values may lead society to blame non-offending mothers “is exemplified” by the findings of Dietz and Craft (1980), who reported that most social workers believed that mothers are as responsible for the sexual abuse as the offender, despite the fact that 78 percent of the mothers in their study were being physically abused by the same offender who abused the child” (Massat & Lundy, 1998).

Mothers of Sexually Abused Children Need Support

Emerging research indicates that mothers of sexually abused children need emotional support, as they are often in a state of complete shock because of learning their child has been sexually abused. (Working With Mothers of Sexually Abused Children.pdf) As soon as mothers or parents make it known what has happened to their child, the relationship between these mothers and the rest of the world changes. (Corcoran, 1998)

End Sexual Abuse of ChildrenTo think or assume that mothers somehow “just know” that their child is being abused, or has already been abused, is ludicrous! Since sexual abuse often occurs within the home by a family member, does that mean mothers should not take showers, use the bathroom, SLEEP!, just to be on the “safe side”? If sexual abuse occurs during the time a pregnant mother spends five minutes on the phone to schedule a doctor’s appointment, should mothers stop using the phone too?!

How about this: Why don’t mothers just make sure all of her children are sleeping right next to her at night until their 18th Birthday, just to make sure abuse doesn’t happen while she’s sleeping?! (Included sarcasm intended)

UPDATE: When I originally wrote this article, I neglected to mention that some mothers DO molest children. That is appalling to me on every level. For those of you who have been molested or raped by your mother or grandmother, my heart goes out to you. Healing from sexual abuse IS possible for victims of child sexual abuse, whether the abuse was done by a mother or father/grandfather/uncle etc. There are many books on sexual abuse for survivors to find healing from the past, so that your present and future doesn’t have to marred and forever damaged by having been abused.

Further Reading:

Child Sexual Abuse – Facts vs. Myths
Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talking to Your Children about Sexual Abuse
Launching Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series
Sexual Abuse Books-Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse-Healing Sexual Abuse
Child Molestation Prevention:Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse


Sexual Predator Masquerading as Parent Blogger

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Keeping Kids Safe


It has come to my attention that there is a sexual predator masquerading as a parent blogger in our midst, and is even an active participant on Entrecard in the Family/Parenting category. I’m furious! To think that I had unwittingly given this pervert advertising opportunities on my Entrecard widget in the past has me feeling enraged and sick to my stomach. It won’t happen ever again!

Having been a victim of sexual abuse myself as a child, and currently writing a series of articles on the subject, I am furious that this sorry sack of flesh would have the nerve to seek advertising on my blog and many others.

I have a message for you, Mr. Pervert! Stop requesting advert space on my blog, you will be denied! I know who you are and I know what blogs you own, so go crawl back into your snake hole and stay put! You are not welcome here! Having said that, it is important to note that not all male family bloggers are sex offenders, so I will continue to use Entrecard and enjoy discovering quality blogs and share advert space on my widget.

For legal reasons, and to respect the rights to privacy for the victim, please do not ask me who it is. I cannot tell you, although I would LOVE to, so you could deny his advert requests too! I can only hope that the officials of Entrecardhave been made aware, and it is my sincere hope that this maniac will be banned very soon, and have his cough, choke, spit…family blogs deleted from the Blogosphere.

The subject of sexually abused children is one that I take very seriously, and I’m working hard to bring you more informative articles to help you parents protect your children. Since I began the sexual abuse series, I have been inundated with emails from victims telling me their personal stories, especially since I know all too well what they went through. If you have been a victim of sexual abuse and want to talk to me, please use the Contact link at the top of my blog, and I will reply promptly.

I have heard from several mothers whose child was sexually abused while in school, daycare, church, by a relative or close family friend, and have asked me to write about the problems associated with “mother blame”. What is the first thing that crosses your mind when you hear about a child being sexually abused? Like many people, the question “Where was the mother?” is often the first thing that crosses people’s minds. Mothers are being vilified and ridiculed in society as being neglectful parents of these children, and it’s got to stop.

For the sake of child safety, it is imperative that parents learn the identifying characteristics of a pedophile, because these perverts are constantly using a variety of “grooming methods” to get close to children.

Further Reading:

The Profile of A Pedophile

Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse


Child Sexual Abuse – Facts VS. Myths

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When I first announced that I was launching a series of articles about child safety and child sexual abuse issues, I wasn’t quite prepared for the number of emails I received from people wanting to not only express their appreciation that I’m doing this series, but several of them wanted to tell me their personal story of being a victim of sexual abuse, but didn’t feel comfortable leaving a public comment on the post. You may be wondering why I’m even doing this series, since the subject of sexually abused children tends to send chills down the spine of most parents, including mine.

I’ll tell you why I’m doing these posts. I was a victim of sexual abuse when I was a young child, and when I became an adult I did a tremendous amount of research on the subject in order to learn the facts about children being sexually abused, so I could do everything possible to protect my own children from ever becoming a victim.

But, it didn’t work. Despite knowing the statistics and all the known signs and symptoms of child sexual abuse; understanding the “grooming” methods child molesters often use on intended victims; teaching and reminding my children about “good touch, bad touch” on a regular basis; having excellent communication with my children; one of my sons was sexually abused at a young age by a highly respected church minister and close family friend, inside the church we attended at that time.

If you think it is only necessary to watch out for “strangers” who might want to hurt your child, you would be mistaken. You know, “stranger danger” and all that jazz. That is a myth, so forget that idea. Having been abused myself, and being the mother of a child who was sexually abused, I have a lot to say to people who are either uninformed, misinformed, or completely and utterly clueless.

4 Common Myths about Child Sexual Abuse:

Myth #1: You believe that since you live in a nice, safe neighborhood, where you know all your neighbors on a first name basis, and your children play with their children, hanging out at each other’s houses etc, that all is well on the home front.

Fact: Child sexual abuse can happen anywhere, in any neighborhood, in every religion or church group, covering all racial boundaries or ethnic groups, and it certainly doesn’t matter how rich or poor you are. You can live in a beautiful, gated-community of homes worth millions of dollars, and your child is still not protected from being molested or abused.

According to the U.S. Department of Justice national statistics, 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will become victims of sexual abuse by the time they reach their 18th birthday. Not only that, but statistics show that children in elementary school are the most vulnerable and likely targets, and children with disabilities have even higher risk factors. That’s not good news for parents with little children, making it vitally important for parents to become educated about the prevalence of child sexual abuse in society today, without becoming completely paranoid about it.

Myth #2: You have already talked with your children about not allowing anyone to touch their private parts, perhaps even calling those body parts by their proper name, and you believe that’s pretty much all there is to do. You may even have said to your children something like, “No matter what, you can always tell me anything that is on your mind, and I will believe you”.

Fact: Sexual abuse occurs by forcing or manipulating a child in a way that allows the sexual offender to touch the child’s private parts (which may or may not include penetration), or takes photo’s of children without any clothes on, or when an offender exposes themselves to a child, etc. Children need to be taught about sexual abuse, and they need to learn and know the words “sexual abuse”. Listen, you can tell your children over and over about “good touch vs. bad touch” and proper names of body parts, but if your child doesn’t know the correct terminology, how are they going to know how to tell you they were “sexually abused”?!

Myth #3: Most sexual abuse cases are committed by people who are complete strangers to you or your child.

Fact: Closely monitoring the online database for sex offenders who may have moved into your neighborhood simply isn’t enough. 85-90% of child sexual abuse cases are committed by trusted family members and close friends. That includes fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, cousins, babysitters, daycare workers, boyfriends of single mom’s, fellow church members and clergy, and so on.

If I have to write a thousand more posts about sexually abused children, to make it crystal clear who the most likely offenders are, I will write them gladly if it will help just one more parent develop greater awareness to this issue.

Myth #4: You believe that your child would automatically tell you that he or she had been sexually abused. You may say to yourself, “My child and I have such great communication, that I KNOW my child would come and tell me immediately”.

Fact: Most sexually abused children do not tell anyone they were abused, even when directly asked by parents or other authority figures. Victims of sexual abuse are often too afraid that the news will hurt their parents, or they are afraid of not being believed, or they were threatened in some way by the offender.

While some schools offer programs that provide useful information and resources, for children and parents alike, the responsibility of educating children about sexual abuse belongs to the parents. And by the way, sexual abuse does occur in schools too!

Were you a victim of child sexual abuse at some point in your life? Are you a parent of a child who was sexually abused, perhaps now dealing with the agony of not knowing it was happening? Even if you personally have never been abused in this way, I can promise you that someone you know has been victimized sexually, but they just haven’t told you their personal story.

Further Reading-

Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse
The Profile of A Pedophile: Identifying Characteristics and Behaviors of Child Molesters
Launching the Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series
Why Kids Don’t Tell? Talking to Your Children about Sexual Abuse
Sexual Abuse Books-Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse-Healing Sexual Abuse

(Photo by: Beppie K)

Launching Child Safety and Child Sexual Abuse Series

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Of all the articles I have written on this blog about parenting children and teens, getting adult children to be financially responsible for themselves and dealing with abusive and controlling relationships, nothing upsets me more than the subject of child safety and child sexual abuse in our society.

The subject of child safety involves so much more than parents might think, whether it be ensuring children are kept safely secured in car seats or not leaving children in hot cars, keeping potentially poisonous household cleaning products out of children’s reach, to protecting children from child molesters, identifying the signs of child sexual abuse and dealing with the long-term effects of being a victim of child abuse.

Blog Against Sexual Violence logo April 3, 2008 is Blog Against Sexual Violence Day, and on that day I will begin a series of articles pertaining to child safety issues and bringing greater awareness to the alarming statistics of sexual abuse involving children, and I am inviting you to tell me what child safety topics you would like me to include in the series.

Parents cannot afford to bury their heads in the sand and turn away from the rather dark and depressing subject of learning everything possible about protecting children from becoming a victim of sexual abuse, only to learn the devastating news that their child had been molested or raped perhaps several years prior, and dealing with the agony of not knowing it was occurring.

Identifying Child Sexual Abuse

I recently read an article on a blog that said “sexual abuse is EASY to identify. Everyone, including the victim, knows what’s happening”. It terrifies me to think that anyone could possibly imagine that recognizing and identifying the signs of child sexual abuse is so easy to accomplish, and that “everyone“, including parents would somehow “just know” it was happening to their child.

Even if your relationship with your child is extremely close, with the best communication and open discussion on all topics, you still may not know he or she had at some time been molested or is being abused right now, but the child is too afraid to say anything. Yes, even to you, dear mom and dad.

Many parents are very diligent in searching the online database for pedophiles that have moved into their local area or neighborhood, and are extremely careful to try and prevent their children from becoming the next victim, but the fact remains that searching online for where child molesters are living just isn’t enough, because the person or persons most likely to harm your child are much closer in proximity than you think.

It is not possible to include in just one post everything pertaining to things parents need to know in order to protect children and teens from child molesters, or the astronomical statistics of child sexual abuse, or the well-known fact that the majority of perpetrators are people within the family, close and trusted friends as opposed to complete strangers.

Dispelling Child Safety and Sexual Abuse Myths

There are so many myths and unknowns about child abuse of a sexual nature, that there are scientific and clinical studies currently being done in order to determine whether there is any possible connection between child sexual abuse and the increasing numbers of teen promiscuity and teen pregnancy.

Did you know that the majority of child sexual abuse victims do NOT tell anyone, even when directly asked by a parent or other authority figures? There are many reasons why that is the case, and I will include those reasons in the upcoming series.

Did you know that if your child tends to be rather quiet, shy and reserved, child molesters view them as a prime target because this type child is more easily manipulated into silence when being abused? Children that are more outspoken and assertive in their personalities are less likely to be chosen by pedophiles because of the higher possibility of the abuse being discovered. Just like rapists will seek out someone who appears to be timid and reserved, easier to manipulate and control, as opposed to those who walk with their head held high and are more assertive and outspoken in their personalities.

Who Do You Trust With Your Child?

Can you really trust anyone, including family members and trusted friends, to be alone with your child or take care of them in some way? There was a recent story on the news about a child who was sexually abused, and the perpetrator of this horrific violence was her own grandfather!

Another recent news story discussed how a child was sexually abused by a magician who was invited to entertain at the school he formerly attended, walked out of the school with a young student, molested the girl and returned her back to the school shortly thereafter.

When it comes to profiling a child molester, there is no profile. It can be anyone. Members of your family. Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, moms and dads, and complete strangers. Daycare workers, Sunday School teachers, babysitters, boyfriends of adult single mothers, and the list goes on.

Just think about the numerous news reports in recent years about church officials and ministers of various denominations accused, found guilty and sentenced to prison for sexually abusing children in their church, and many of these children never told anyone about the abuse until well into adulthood due to outright fear.

Anyone who thinks that the parents of these children and young adults simply weren’t paying close enough attention to the signs of child sexual abuse in their own children is sorely uninformed and needs to learn the facts, so they themselves don’t look back one day with regret and wish they knew the reality of this growing problem in society before it happens to their own child.

The fact is that child sexual abuse can happen to anyone’s child and at any time, and it’s unfortunate that parents must learn to recognize the signs that suggest their child may have already been sexually abused, and then must begin dealing with the often devastating emotional aftermath, getting the needed help and counseling for their child, and possibly even appearing in a court trial to face their perpetrator.

I am very interested in knowing what topics related to child safety that you would like to see included in the upcoming series, and I ask that you leave a comment letting me know your suggestions. I have no date in mind where the series will end, so these articles will likely go on for some time, mixed in with other informative articles you are sure to enjoy and learn from. Please leave your suggestions in the comments below.

Further Reading:

Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse
The Profile of A Pedophile: Identifying Characteristics and Behaviors of Child Molesters
Why Don’t Kids Tell? Talk to Your Children about Sexual Abuse
Child Sexual Abuse-Facts vs. Myths
Sexual Abuse Books-Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse-Healing Sexual Abuse