Telling It Like It Is» empty nest syndrome

Too Old To Learn? Hogwash. You’re Never Too Old To Learn Something New

Lin — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 14:47:29 +0000

It never ceases to amaze me the number of times I’ve been told that erroneous quote, “I’m too old to learn”. It is utter nonsense for anyone to think, let alone actually say to themselves or outloud, that they’re too old to learn something new.

What’s even more odd is the age range of people who’ve been saying they’re too old to learn things, to educate themselves and grow or expand their knowledge once they’ve reached a certain age. Men and women (mostly women) saying they’re too old to learn new things when they’re only in their forties, fifties, sixties and so on. Hogwash. That ridiculous quote has got to be one of the biggest cop-out’s of all time. You’re never, ever too old to learn anything.

Over the last few months, that cop-out excuse has been used more times than I care to remember by parents struggling with “empty nest syndrome“, where their children have grown up and moved out on their own for one reason or another. Some of the “kids” have gone off to attend college, others have gotten married, while others have simply made the adult choice of living in their own apartment or bought a house.

Numerous email letters from mostly moms who say they feel depressed, “life is over”, feeling as though there is nothing else for them to do in their lives now that the kids have left the nest. Life is over? Really?! Some moms have even asked if, in my opinion, they should consult with a physician to prescribe anti-depressants for them, with the hope the pills would somehow magically lift them out of the “worsening” depression they feel.

Inquiring about the kinds of interests and activities the parents have enjoyed over the years, including the many years the children were still very young and throughout their growing up years, more often than not brings answers such as “my children received all of my attention and taking care of them was all I did”.

Meaning, some if not most of these parents were so completely engrossed in raising their children that they lost all sense of self and sacrificed their own identity, letting go of any and all personal interests, goals, desires, dreams, wishes etc. They’re now feeling as though they don’t know who they are anymore as individuals, men, women, separate and apart from being a parent. “Life is over”, or so they say. What’s the alternative? What choices are there, if any?

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude” – Maya Angelou

Perhaps this is just one of the reasons why I cannot and do not subscribe to “empty nester syndrome” as a real “disease” or some sort of illness, to be “cured” by taking prescription depression medications. Nor do I subscribe to the idea of spending months, if not years, sitting or laying on the couch at a psychologist’s or psychiatrist’s office as a means of getting over and moving on from the sadness empty nester’s feel when their children leave the home. There is no such thing as a magic pill that will miraculously lift these depressed parents out of the sense of depression they feel.

Depression med’s or not, parents dealing with the normal, albeit temporary, feelings of sadness brought on by the normal and natural change of life’s circumstances must eventually come to the realization that life goes on and they must begin to put one foot in front of the other and adjust to the reality that their children are all grown up now and have moved on with their lives – as they should and need to.

One of the most disappointing responses to inquiries about the kinds of activities these “depressed” parents engage in, now that their children have already left the home or are about to leave, is the amount of time spent watching T.V. Some parents spend enormous amounts of time sitting in front of and watching that “boob tube” black box on a daily basis, with several parents actually making suggestions of T.V. shows that I should check out myself. Ugh. Sure, there are some entertaining, educational, inspirational and motivating-type shows to watch. But.

Of all the things I can think of to do with my time and energies, parking myself in front of that black box for hours on end, mindlessly watching what’s being shown on the screen, is a huge waste of time. Living such a sedentary lifestyle, rarely if ever getting off of the couch and actually DOING something constructive, educational, FUN!, affects our overall health and wellbeing – either for the positive or for the negative. It’s all about the choices we make for ourselves.

We can choose to be happy and fulfilled in life, or we can choose not to, opting to wallow in self-pity over our “lot in life” and bring down everyone else around us emotionally or mentally. Life is all about choices, and parents whose children are leaving the home or have left already don’t need a doctor to tell them to stop the self-inflicted pity-party and get on with living their lives to the fullest.

Learn something new, perhaps something you may have never thought would be of interest before. You may surprise yourself and discover the enormous benefits derived from learning how to play an instrument, like the violin or piano, etc. It’s incredibly sad and disappointing to hear from parents who are nowhere near being “old” who say they made sure their children took an interest in reading books of various kinds but don’t follow their own advice and read books themselves. You’re never too old to learn something new! Pick up and read a book! DO something.

Look, life is what you make of it. You can either choose to explore and make new discoveries, learning new things you’ve never thought of before or further your knowledge and understanding of things previously learned – or not. Taking depression medication, giving psychologists/psychiatrists your hard-earned money for months or years, because your children have grown up and moved out isn’t the answer. The answer lies in the reflection shown in the mirror. Take a good, long, hard look in the mirror and make the choices that must be made. What other alternative is there?

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Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Feliz Navidad

Lin — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 05:16:20 +0000

Merry Christmas to you and yours! Happy Holidays, Feliz Navidad, or all the other ways of saying Merry Christmas in different languages that I don’t know. I’ll be taking the rest of the decade off and then start working on those New Year’s resolutions…(goals really) like everyone else.

If you’re looking for something to read during your Christmas holiday season, here are few Telling It Like It Is gems you may have missed, plus a couple of interesting articles written by online friends.

Are you making New Year’s Resolutions? What are your goals for 2010?

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Empty Nest Syndrome-Children Leaving Home, What Do I Do Now?

Lin — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 11:00:40 +0000

Empty nest syndrome refers to the feelings of sadness, grief, depression, loneliness, emptiness and loss when children grow up, leave for college, get married, or leave home to live on their own. “Empty-nesters” can either be mothers or fathers, but mothers are primarily the ones who have difficulty dealing with or coping with an empty nest when children begin leaving home to live their lives as adults.

What do I do now?, What can I do now?, are questions empty-nesters commonly ask before, during or after learning their children are leaving home, since parents have spent most of their lives focused on raising children, caring for the home and family, until suddenly the kids are gone.

Are you an empty-nester? Are your children leaving home to head off to college? Are your children getting married soon, moving away or getting their own home? Is your son or daughter leaving home soon, leading you to ask yourself, What do I do after my children leave home?

Empty Nest Syndrome

First, let me say, Congratulations! Give yourself a big pat on the back for having raised your children in such a way that you’re not dealing with adult children living at home years after kids should have left home and begun living their lives as full grown, successful, independent adults.

You have taught your children how to be an adult, and you should be congratulated! You have cut the apron strings by letting go, and the “tied to his mother’s apron strings” quote doesn’t apply to you in regards to your son or daughter leaving home. Trust me, you don’t want to deal with the “revolving door syndrome” so common in today’s society. Good for you!

If you are trying to deal with an empty nest now, or will be an empty-nester sometime soon, please understand you’re not alone. Many moms and dads are trying to cope with empty nest feelings and emotions just like you are, and no two people deal with stressful situations like this the same way, so patience, understanding and empathy are important.

What Do I Do Now? What Can I Do Now?

What do I do after my children leave home? There are many things you can do, should do or need to do now that your children have left home and you are alone at last. It’s time to change your focus on being a parent and the responsibilities of parenting children still living at home, and direct your time and energies towards other things you can do that bring you enjoyment, pleasure and a sense of fulfillment.

Ask yourself, if you could do it all over again, what are some “coulda, shoulda, woulda” things you wish you had done before getting married or before having children? The answer to “What do I do now” is that you now have time to take a life inventory on yourself and start doing the things you have always wanted to do but never could before.

It’s time to get busy! Put your thinking cap on and get those creative juices flowing, and come up with a “What I Can Do Now” list now that the kids are grown and gone. Go back to school to get your high school diploma, or get the college degree you always wanted. Rekindle the romance with your spouse and fire up your marriage by spending time together and bringing back the fun and excitement experienced when you were dating or before the kids came along.

Do some volunteer work; find a new hobby; join an active online support group for encouragement. Travel! Take a cruise, rent an RV and stay at RV parks while traveling, or check out the cost of Flights and buy a plane ticket to visit places you’ve always wanted to see but couldn’t. (I recommend the Philippines) Learn a new language! You can do what I’m doing and learn spanish online, or you can learn japanese online or any other language you have wanted to learn but never had the time.

Or, here’s an idea for you and it’s completely FREE! I bet, after raising your children, you probably have lots of interesting mom, dad, grandpa or grandma stories to tell. Why not start a free blog and write stories about whatever topics you are passionate about? If you’re wondering what is a blog, you’re reading a “blog post” right now about Empty Nest Syndrome. Get it?

Are you dealing with empty nest syndrome? What are some things you have found that helped you cope with your children leaving home? What is on your What I Can Do Now list? Share your ideas, suggestions, tips and advice in the comment section below.

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Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents

Lin — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 10:00:09 +0000

Numerous emails from parents needing help in finding support groups for parents with grown, adult children living at home have arrived in my inbox, especially after reading How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us and the “Helping vs. Enabling” articles listed there that deal with the difference between helping and enabling and parenting adult children.

Having grown, adult children at home with the parents, after adult children leave home to attend college, get married and start having families of their own, creates enormous problems and conflicts for many families.

Frustrated parents begin searching for a “child parent contract” with a list of “adult children rules” for grown children and parents to agree on and sign, only to discover the hard way that rules for adult children, parent child contracts and adult children moving back home rarely (if ever) works for either the parent or the adult children.

Having adult children living at home may temporarily ease some of the empty nest feelings and emotions for parents, but thinking that you are truly helping your child by allowing your grown children to move back home, especially lazy adult children who refuse to work, don’t budget or live within their means etc will not cure empty nest syndrome, but your enabling behavior will cripple your adult children.

It’s time to stop enabling, and there are online support groups, forums and/or message boards to help you stop enabling people that can, should and need to be doing things for themselves.

CafeMom is the largest support group/social networking site for moms and moms-to-be. Included amongst the various support groups found at CafeMom are groups for parents with adult children at home (commonly referred to as Boomerang Kids).

There you will experience emotional help and support in setting boundaries between parents and adult children, and groups of women/parents sharing personal stories of their adult children living at home and discussing ideas of getting these kids out of the parent’s house once and for all.

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