Thank you, Lin, for asking me to guest post on the topic of narcissism and its deadly effects. This is a subject that has come into its own. Lin’s awesome post, Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members has garnered almost 200 comments and 700+ Facebook “likes” since it was written three years ago.

Many more resources are available to folks who find themselves in a relationship with these insidious people than when my co-author, Lori Hoeck, and I first wrote The Narcissist: A User’s Guide a scant eighteen months ago. Since then, our User’s Guide e-book has been downloaded over a thousand times, and continues at a steady rate.

People are recognizing that they’re dealing with a person whose behavior hinges upon creating a partner dynamic designed to elevate the narcissistic person’s self-esteem by way of depleting it in another person. Where the struggle remains is what I’m going to discuss in this post.

It would be wonderful to say that the incidence of narcissism has declined since Lori, Lin, others and myself have sounded the alarm bells. This doesn’t appear to be the case. If anything, it appears that narcissism might have increased somewhat as the recognition factors became more well-known.

We’ll never truly know whether this perception is accurate, however, because, as Lori and I were among the first non-academics to point out, narcissists rarely seek treatment. There’s something wrong with them, not everyone else, after all. Estimates vary widely concerning the incidence of narcissistic personality disorder within the general population, ranging from .5% all the way up to 16%.

The negative effects these toxic people have are highly disproportionate to their numbers, whatever those numbers may ultimately be. Direct interaction with them creates dread and drains emotional energy, but we also expend additional energy anticipating, deflecting and developing strategies to neutralize their behavior. Extended interaction with narcissists in the workplace or social/family situations can be detrimental to physical health as well, with partners exhibiting physical manifestations of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and other effects.

Still, even with the word getting out about how dangerous these people can be to good emotional health, many of us find ourselves ill equipped to deal with narcissists effectively. Lori and I have received many heartbreaking stories from people – both men and women, gay and straight – who were caught totally off-guard and sucked into a relationship with a Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde-like charmer. The pattern is fairly predictable:

• the person initially appears too good to be true
• an escalating series of interactions where the partner is caught off-guard and devalued
• incidences of hypersensitivity and overreaction (including rage) to criticism, perceived slights or other behaviors in the partner they deem unacceptable
• increasing demands for narcissistic supply and corresponding passivity from the partner
• difficulties in ending the relationship because the partner is emotionally incapacitated and/or fearful of physical or emotional retaliation

Many self-help references get hung up on understanding the whys and hows behind narcissists becoming what they are. It’s all fine and good, but this is where most people get stuck. They think it’s their fault: if they only were better at holding up their end of the relationship, it would improve.

You must know what you can do other than blame yourself. Yet, time after time, we see well-meaning advisors who have the non-narcissist partner adapting in an attempt to create a more harmonious relationship. The problem with this advice is it amplifies the root causes of the toxic dynamic and can actually exacerbate its troublesome aspects.

As a result of the research and personal experience that prompted us to write The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, Lori and I concluded the most effective way to deal with a narcissistic person is to minimize contact. Ideally, you would eliminate it completely, but of course, this isn’t always possible. Ultimately, you’re going to have to reduce it to the bare minimum. In our e-book we provide strategies and scripts you can really use when you’re ready for that path.

Once you’ve left the relationship, you can’t let your guard down. There’s evidence to suggest a repetitive pattern in many co-dependents. If this kind of relationship is only what you know, then you may sub-consciously seek it over and over again. Fortunately, if you recognize this as a pattern in your relationships, you can overcome its causative factors and be on the lookout for triggers that affect you. For some this is a life-long process, but it’s well worth the vigilance.

If you or anyone you know is in a relationship with a toxic individual, you owe it to them or yourself to be aware that it’s undeserved and there are ways to escape. Lori and I used to say that if we helped just one person put behind the agony that these relationships cause, our own painful experiences would be vindicated. I think it’s safe to say we’ve done that, and we’re asking you to pass things along. We’ll probably never eradicate narcissistic behavior, but we don’t have to tolerate its toxic effects, either.

Be sure to “Like” The Narcissist: A User’s Guide on Facebook – Stop struggling with toxic people and learn to deal with them on your own terms!

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Yes, this is MY blog and I will blog or write about whatever I want, thank you very much. I almost titled this post, “Telling It Like It Is is Not For the Faint of Heart”, which on some levels is very true.

Over the last several months there have been an increasing number of what I refer to as lurkers, spammers, trolls, haters, naysayers and perverts emailing me and attempting to leave pathetic comments on posts.

Some of the worst offenders are those arriving from those pesky “DoFollow blog lists”, where newbie bloggers show up like a bat out of hell, dive-bombing this site in hopes of getting a link back to their site by leaving a pathetic “great blog, keep it up” sort of comment. If you have a blog of your own, you are likely well aware of these pests.

Telling It Like It Is has a comment policy and privacy policy like all/most other blogs and websites have, including a “mark as spam” button and a “delete” button, which I use quite frequently. If “DoFollow” dive bombers wish to continue wasting their time targeting this site for a backlink, knock yourselves out…but if you ever decide to check back to see if your “comment” was approved…you’ll be sadly mistaken.

Running a close second behind the dive bombers are those who are none too happy that I continue to write about child sexual abuse, especially the articles that tell kids and victims to tell they are being sexually abused now or were sexually abused by someone in the past.

I have received emails and attempted comments from people who are not happy at all that the Protect Our Children Act was passed. Now, readers, you tell me…what kind of person would NOT want me or anyone else having the “audacity” to be telling kids to tell someone they are or were sexually abused? Think about that for a minute, then come to your own conclusions.

Blog Post Ideas – Being Audacious

Blog post ideas for Telling It Like It Is come from a large number of sources, which I will get to in a minute. I rarely if ever experience writer’s block (so far), and I write blog posts with audacity and I’m proud of it. My blog is not a “feel good blog”, nor is it a “beat around the bush” blog, and it is certainly not a “tiptoe through the tulips” kind of blog.

I work hard at being an audacious blogger, and the articles about sexual abuse, abusive relationships and the numerous helping vs. enabling posts are emotionally difficult for me to write. I write them anyway and will continue to do so. I am passionate about the topics I write on this blog, even though there are thousands of bloggers who write better than I do, with perfect spelling, grammar, sentence structure and phrasing on every single blog post published.

“If you’re not afraid to be rejected, you keep putting your hand up. If you’re not afraid to be ignored, you keep putting yourself out there. If you’re not afraid to be criticized, you do exactly what you want. If you’re not afraid to make contact with someone more successful than you, you’ll create your own opportunities.”

I am not afraid. I will not be deterred.

I am not a social networking know-it-all, but I put myself out there anyway, meeting and making connections with fellow writers and bloggers in an out of my own “niche”. I am not a “Pro Blogger” by any stretch of the imagination, nor do I feel the need or pressure to become one. I make mistakes while writing and creating blog posts (especially when trying a new and unfamiliar html-type code thingamagig), such as I did on the how to plan a wedding article, turning it into a complete fiasco until I was able to fix it. Oh well…, live and learn as I go.

Okay, blog post ideas…, where I get mine. Aside from the fact that I read a lot, be it books, magazines, news articles online or offline etc, there are a variety of places I go to get my blog post ideas to avoid writer’s block. Here is a short list of those places, in no particular order.

Woopra – If you have a blog or are considering starting a blog, you MUST get Woopra. Woopra, by far, is the most comprehensive, information rich, easy to use, real-time, LIVE Web tracking and analysis application I have ever seen. Woopra provides so much unique information about visitors to your blog/website and how they arrive at your site, it will blow your mind. And it’s free! Woopra’s ability to track keywords/search terms (amongst other things) people have used to arrive at my blog or specific blog posts has already provided me MANY ideas for blog posts, and it’s only getting better by the day.

Google Alerts – Google Alerts are email updates received in your inbox of the latest relevant Google results (web, news, blogs, video, etc.) based on your interests or topics. Email updates from Google alerts can be received “as it happens”, “once a day” or “once a week”, whichever you prefer. I currently have two blogs and am in process of building a third, and receiving email alert messages based on my keywords of choice has brought about more blog post ideas than I could ever have imagined.

StumbleUpon – Wikipedia describes StumbleUpon as an “internet community that allows its users to discover and rate Web pages, photos, and videos”. Basically, StumbleUpon users choose to rate (or not rate) a web page, blog post, pictures or video by way of the “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” feature from the StumbleUpon toolbar, which can result in massive amounts of web traffic from online friends or peers. StumbleUpon is sort of like word-of-mouth advertising from referrals. Online friends and peers have sent me links to articles with messages suggesting I do a blog post on that subject, but in my own “Tell It Like It Is” writing style. One such post was the Miley Cyrus Going Topless “rant” that caught the attention of the New York Times and LA Times, because I was being audacious and bold!

Twitter, Facebook, Google Adwords Keyword Tool,  Google Trends and Blogs I’m subscribed to by RSS Feed or email have also brought numerous blog post ideas already found on this site, and still more to come. With the numerous categories and topics I can cover within my blog niche, I would be hard-pressed to run out of things to write about and I have no intention of ever doing so. That’s how I roll.

If you enjoyed this article, you can subscribe to Telling It Like It Is FREE updates by email or RSS Feed, comment or ask questions on posts of interest to you.

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I mentioned recently that Telling It Like It Is would be getting a new theme and new host. Well, this is it! What do you think? This new theme is called Silver Light, and I like the clean, simple, content-oriented look, rather than having a site loaded with cutsey images in the header etc. There is still some tweaking to the theme and sidebar going on, so please “pardon our mess” while everything is put into its proper place.

I know I mentioned before that I planned on using the Visionary Magazine Theme, but due to my lack of knowledge and/or inexperience with coding, I decided to stay clear of anything remotely complicated that would require a great deal of time spent on editing and coding.

Creating and having quality content for visitors and  subscribed readers is by far the most important thing to me, and I believe this new theme focuses on content quite well.

On a side note, I’ve received quite a few emails from regular visitors and subscribers asking what social networking sites I frequent so they can “friend” me and chat on a more personal basis than just in the comment section.

Here’s a list of where I can be found online.

• Twitter

• Facebook

• MySpace

• StumbleUpon

What do you think of this new theme?

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