What is the best way to flirt with a teenage girl you like, without coming on too strong, if you are a teenage boy? Sometimes teenage guys say stupid things to girls and end up regretting it, especially if the dumb thing said leads the girl to slap the guy in the face.

Young guys in the process of becoming a man sometimes learn valuable lessons the hard way, and learning what things not to say to a girl they like or have a crush should rank very high on the list of learning “how to talk to girls”.

A young, 17-year-old teenage guy contacted me the other day, telling me the story of meeting a teenage girl at a dance that he took a liking to. Unfortunately for him, this young lady didn’t appreciate his attempts to make conversation because of his comments about her “healthy body”.

In other words, this girl was “hot”. Classic hourglass figure, big bust, narrow waist and nice, shapely hips and legs. Get the full picture? He liked her body and wanted this girl to know he liked her (and her body). A lot.

Here is the context of the email message I received:

“Dear Lin,

My name is [removed] and I’m 17 years old.  I discovered your website and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving a girl’s image of her body. She was a girl I had just met at a dance a few weeks ago.  We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off.  We even exchanged email addresses.

Then, things suddenly went downhill.  I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended.  I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only made things worse when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.

She had a classic hourglass figure – large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. Why can’t girls embrace their curves?”

Now, I must admit to having a good laugh when I first read this email message, but we also shared some laughs together with subsequent email exchanges. Poor guy said something stupid to this teenage girl that he thought would be taken as a compliment, but quickly learned the hard way to think before he speaks.

This young man had read the article about girls and female body image and the pressure to be thin in society, and felt the girl he had just met had issues with her own body image. To be clear, I certainly do NOT advocate the fact that this young lady slapped this guy across the face, because of the numerous articles I’ve done about abusive relationships – including teenage abusive relationships.

Abuse of any or all kinds is wrong, unacceptable and should never be tolerated. Capiche?

Here’s my response:

“Hi [name removed],

No, no, no. You’re thinking of the situation with this girl from the perspective of a guy, not of a girl. I don’t know a single girl/woman who feels flattered by a guy she’d just met telling her how hot her body looks, hourglass etc. Especially since she just met you. Any time a guy mentions to a girl or woman about her body and how good she looks, she immediately (and I mean immediately) realizes the guy is checking out her assets. Girls/women know that guys are visual beings, but we don’t like or appreciate it when men/guys make a point of telling us about it. It’s not that she has a poor body image, nope. It’s that she doesn’t want her “healthy body” scanned and critiqued by guys…

There’s a reason for the old saying, “My eyes are up HERE not down there” because of guys constantly checking out a girl’s chest, butt, hourglass figure etc. Girls don’t like that. Guys at dance clubs or nightclubs (stereotypical construction workers) that are staring…and ogling at women’s “assets” are typically thought of as sleeze balls, disgusting pigs and ignored. Slapped sometimes, lol. Plus, chances are this girl already knows she looks good, fit and healthy. There’s no way out of it, no damage control, because she already has it figured that you’re all into her body (and how her body likely turns you on) and she’s not the least bit interested in continuing a conversation with someone like that.

Here’s an example: Say you were at the same dance and some girl you were dancing with and barely knew at all tells you “you’ve got a great looking package from what I can tell with those pants you’re wearing”. I mean, seriously, how awkward would that be?! You would immediately know that she’s checking you out like that and coming on (really) strong with a sexual connotation. Someone you just met. Girls hate that.

Guys are going to check out girls bodies and how “healthy” they look and how fit they are. Girls don’t typically mention things like what you said to her. Women/girls notice a guy’s body too, but we usually keep it to ourselves, so as not to make the guy feel uncomfortable (like being put under a magnifying glass). Don’t ever put yourself in the situation of [being like] typical sleeze balls who act stupid with their guy friends, ogling and pointing out girls “assets” and making an a$$ of themselves trying to look cool and hip. You’ll get thrown into the sleeze ball category, and perhaps slapped. Again. Guys that say those sorts of things are believed to be “interested in one thing only” and you know what I mean by that. Girls don’t like it. Lesson learned?”

I realize there are exceptions to what I replied to this young guy. Some girls/women don’t mind at all when their ass-sets are ogled, stared at and “admired”. Some teenage girls and grown women even encourage such exchanges with guys they meet. Some women/girls accept these things as compliments and aren’t bothered by them at all. Obviously, this young girl was very upset by the things he said to her and she let him know that his “compliments” were inappropriate and he made her feel uncomfortable.

In his follow-up email, this teenage boy admitted to being “guilty of staring at her chest, further agitating her” in response to the quote “my eyes are up here, not down there”. He now understands that there is an art to flirting with girls and getting a girls attention, without coming across as crass or rude.

Teenage boys need to learn how to talk to teenage girls appropriately, so I suggested he search online for articles about conversation starters; what to say to girls and things NOT to say to girls; how to approach girls; how to flirt with girls (without using stupid pickup lines) like what is discussed in this article at Men’s Health on dating tips for guys.

Guys? Do you have a similar story you would like to share with this man, so he doesn’t feel like he’s the the only one who has ever gone through this? Ladies? What suggestions or tips would you add to help enlighten this young teenage guy for the future? Besides don’t get slapped again. He already knows. Make your suggestions or leave your comments for him below.

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Merry Christmas to you and yours! Happy Holidays, Feliz Navidad, or all the other ways of saying Merry Christmas in different languages that I don’t know. I’ll be taking the rest of the decade off and then start working on those New Year’s resolutions…(goals really) like everyone else.

If you’re looking for something to read during your Christmas holiday season, here are few Telling It Like It Is gems you may have missed, plus a couple of interesting articles written by online friends.

• Why Are Women So Strange and Men So Weird?
• A Child’s Ten Commandments For Parents
• Empty Nest Syndrome-Children Leaving Home, What Do I Do Now?
• Keeping The Fire Alive in Your Marriage
• Female Body Image in the Media-The Pressure to Be Thin in Society
• The Most Unbelievable Story Ever Told
• Finding Joy in December
• Why My Kids Will Drive a Piece of Crap

Are you making New Year’s Resolutions? What are your goals for 2010?

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